Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 21 - Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot - full transcript
Walden, Jenny & Barry travel to Colorado in Walden's private jet to reconnect with his 1st car. While there they take advantage of Colorado's legalization; Gretchen pushes Alan to reveal his identity to Larry. Alan gets down on 1 knee & proposes to Gretchen.
- Are you eating cookie dough?
- Yep. It's my favorite recipe.
All you need is cookie dough
and weed.
The only thing you have to bake
is yourself.
It's very efficient.
It causes the munchies
and it immediately cures them.
Hey, what do you know?
They found my car.
You lost your car?
What's your cookie dough laced with?
No, I found this company.
They help you locate old vehicles.
It's called, "Dude, Where's My Car?"
So what's so great about this thing?
I don't know, it's my first car
and I had a lot of firsts in it.
First time I learned to drive,
first time I had sex.
First time I had a condom break.
First time I prayed.
So you gonna buy this car?
No, some guy named Dirk,
in Denver, has it.
Why have the effort of tracking it
if you don't want it?
Nostalgia?
It's kind of like looking up
your first girlfriend
or your high school math teacher.
For me, those were one and the same.
She still writes me from prison.
I think my math teacher
had a crush on me, too.
Why would he ask me to take a shower
after Math Team practice?
Good, everybody's here.
I would now like to introduce
my girlfriend.
- The very fetchin' Gretchen.
- Hey, everybody.
Hi, I'm Walden.
It's nice to finally meet you.
Alan told me you work in an
animal shelter, taking in strays.
So we have a lot in common.
- This is my niece, Jenny.
- Hi.
And we met.
I'm Barry, Walden's youthful ward.
It's really nice to meet all you.
God, this place is amazing.
How do you afford the rent, Alan?
- What's so funny?
- Well, I don't pay rent, per Se.
Or per month.
Or per year.
Really? No rent?
How long has that been going on?
Three years with Walden,
eight years with my dad.
You have been living here
for 11 years for free?
- Yeah.
- I have never wanted you more.
Who's my cheap daddy?
Would you like to see the bedroom
I don't pay for?
Would you like to see my boobs
I bought with a Groupon?
Will you let me get my grope on?
Nice to meet you, Gretchen.
Make yourself at home.
I've got to stop saying that.
What do you say
we hop on your plane,
head over to Denver
and at least look at this car?
You know you want to.
You guys just wanna go to Colorado
because pot is legal there.
What? It's legal?
They legalized marijuana
in Colorado?
You say up to three ounces?
Look, we're not going to Denver
to look at a car
and bring home three ounces of pot.
Yeah, but if we go with you,
we can bring back nine ounces.
I'll fire up the jet.
♫ (THEME SONG) ♫
Well, guess who just joined
the Mile-High Club?
No, it doesn't count
when you do it alone.
Oh, it counted, twice.
Up top.
- No!
- Not gonna happen.
This is crazy.
There's no way my old car
is worth the cost of going to Denver
and putting in a new bathroom.
We can't turn back now.
I canceled an audition for this.
You're kidding, right?
The part was,
"Dead Junkie Number Two".
Although, I did buy the painkillers
to get into character.
It doesn't matter what the role is.
This job leads to the next,
and you're playing
"Dead Junkie Number One".
And before you know it,
you're playing a live junkie!
Then, what?
Win a bunch of Oscars, get rich,
fly around on a private plane?
Oh, look, I skipped to the end.
What kind of car we gonna look at?
You can thank me later
for changing the subject.
It's a 1967 Mustang, with a 289 V-8,
a Holley four-barrel carb
and positraction.
What does that mean?
I have no idea.
My dad used to say it all the time
when we were working on the car.
I think it was one of his ways
of saying, "I love you."
Another was,
"Why is Daddy's beer empty?"
I totally get it.
My dad's coded "I love you" was,
"Seriously?
You can't catch a football
one damn time?"
So you worked on this with your dad.
Apparently, there is an emotional
connection with this car.
Well, it's a mixed emotion.
It took us two years to restore it.
When it was finished, it was cherry.
"Cherry" was also the name
of the stripper he drove off with
when he left me and my mom.
Why would you wanna buy something
that caused you so much pain?
I mean, that'd be like me
buying the senior prom.
Because on my 16th birthday,
I go outside the house
and there's that car,
sitting in the driveway.
No sign of my dad, though.
It was still the best birthday ever.
Until my mom took a baseball bat
to the windshield.
You know what my dad got me
for my 16th birthday?
Box of condoms and a card that said,
"Don't make the same mistake I did."
He was a joker.
How about you, Jenny?
She would've nailed
"Dead Junkie Number Two"!
What a great idea.
Having sex in every room
in the house.
Well, to be fair, the laundry room
was more you sitting on the dryer
- while I took a breather.
- Yeah.
Next time, I'm gonna throw in
a pair of snow boots.
- You know, "Boom, boom, boom"!
- Yeah.
One of the advantages
of being here alone.
Kind of makes a man
wanna buy a place of his own.
No, I'm gonna die here. I really am.
So, what do you wanna do tonight?
You know, besides this guy.
I would love to spend the night
doing "this guy".
But we promised Lyndsey and Larry
we'd meet them, remember? Karaoke?
Oh, that's right.
We can use my Halloween costumes
from last year.
You know, Donny and Marie?
Although I'm not sure you'd fit
into Walden's Donny outfit.
You know, I was thinking.
It'd be a great time to tell Larry
that you're not Jeff Strongman.
That you're really Alan Harper.
That's funny because I was thinking
tonight might be a great night
to not ruin four people's lives.
He's my brother, Alan.
I can't just keep lying to him.
I lied to my brother all the time.
It worked out great.
Your brother's dead!
I didn't say it worked out great
for everybody.
♫ (TUNING GUITAR) ♫
Hey. You Dirk?
- Are you a cop?
- No.
Then, I'm Dirk.
I'm Walden Schmidt.
I called about the car?
Actually, on the phone,
you asked if I was a cop.
And then, you asked me
if I wanted to buy any weed.
Yeah, that's the right order
to ask those questions.
I learned that the hard way.
- These your kids?
- No.
Are they mine?
Is this the car?
Yeah,
let me take her top off for you.
You're about to see one hot car.
Where? Behind this piece of crap?
She's not that pretty,
but she gets the job done.
Just like my old lady.
Hey, that's not bad.
♫ She's not that pretty
But she gets the job done ♫
♫ I like to escape
But I'm too old to run ♫
Yeah, that's a hit!
- So, is this your car?
- Yeah.
It still got the "Vote For Bush"
bumper sticker on it.
You were a Republican?
No, my friends and I
just thought it was funny.
You know, "Bush".
Tell you what. I love Bush.
You and me, both.
She's got a lot of wear-and-tear.
Not much to look at.
Looks like it was rear-ended.
Just like my old lady.
But she's got new headlights
and a roomy back seat.
Just like your old lady.
Hey, that's the mother
of three of my five kids!
Anyway, this bad boy
can still get up to a buck-ten.
Yeah, maybe if the truck towing it
was going a 110.
You don't believe me?
World's Wildest Police Chases,
episode 139.
- Whoa! What died in here?
- My granddad.
Seat-belt got jammed.
We had to leave him in there
for a couple of days.
Okay, well, hey, thank you
for showing us the car.
Hang on, hang on.
How much do you want for it?
Ah-ah-ah!
What are you doing?
$1800, unless you can come up
with some kind of other arrangement.
Ew!
- How about you?
- No!
$1800 it is, then.
Come on, I'm not buying this car.
Walden,
this car is a piece of your life.
It doesn't mean anything
to anybody in the world except you.
Alright, I'll give you $1800.
Dude, didn't haggle.
It's no good, unless you haggle.
Okay, fine, $1600.
- $1700.
- Deal, $1700.
Yeah!
I was just gonna give you $1800.
That's the thing about haggling.
Sometimes, you win.
Sometimes, you lose.
We definitely have to get
some of this guy's weed.
♫ (SINGING KARAOKE) ♫
Yeah! Gretchen! Jeff!
Follow that, bitches.
Come on, Lyndsey. It's our turn.
♫ Who let the dogs out? ♫
Woof, woof. Woof, woof.
Come on,
you can do better than that.
Larry, do I look like
I wanna do better than that?
Last time I saw that face,
I forgot to pick up wine.
Boy, was I in
the doghouse that night.
Hey!
♫ Who's in the doghouse? ♫
- ♫ Who, who, who, who? ♫
- That's what I'm talking about!
Let's show them how you
and your brother do it doggystyle!
He really doesn't hear himself,
does he?
Why are you here?
I've told you a hundred times.
I don't wanna double-date
with Gretchen and Jeff Strongman!
Well, you won't have to anymore.
Guess who's gonna tell Larry?
♫ Who, who, who, who? ♫
- What do you mean?
- I told Gretchen who I really am.
I was tired of living a lie.
Sneaking around, being dishonest.
I'm better than that.
- She caught you.
- Yes, yes, she did.
But it felt good
to get it off my chest.
If you tell Larry
who you really are,
then he's gonna wonder
why I didn't tell him.
That's not something I wanna deal
with less than two weeks
before we're supposed
to get married.
God, is it two weeks?
Boy, I better find those rings.
Alan, you're not gonna say a thing
about who you really are.
Well, I'm sorry,
but I already promised Gretchen.
And the fact of the matter is,
we aren't in a relationship anymore.
So you no longer have me
by the... (HIGH-PITCHED) balls!
♫ (SINGING KARAOKE) ♫
- Let's show them how we do it.
- There you go!
Menstrual cramps can't stop my lady!
It's Larry-oke time!
Oww!
♫ (SINGING KARAOKE) ♫
So did you talk to Larry, yet?
Well, I was running this whole thing
by Lyndsey and...
Whoa. Wait.
Why would you run it by Lyndsey?
She is the one getting married
and I didn't wanna spring it on her.
Because Lyndsey is not the girl
you wanna get angry,
unless you're about to have sex
because she turns into a freak.
I don't know why I'm saying this.
I know why.
You still have feelings for her.
That's crazy.
I think it's the right thing to do.
Oh, my God.
That is why you invented
Jeff Strongman in the first place.
It was to win Lyndsey back.
- Feelings like that don't disappear.
- Sure, they do.
There are things I used to love
that I don't love anymore.
Roller coasters, dairy, my mother.
This isn't funny, Alan!
- Well, I was just saying...
- No, listen to me.
If you wanna run everything
by your ex-girlfriend
and not tell Larry the truth,
then so be it.
But I don't want anything
to do with it, or you!
- Gretchen, wait!
- ♫ I feel good ♫
♫ I knew that I would now ♫
Come on, Jeff, you know the words.
♫ So good, so good ♫
I'm gonna die alone.
Oww!
- Aren't you glad I made you do this?
- Yeah, I'm having déjá vu.
My dad used to let me sit on his lap
and steer.
Yeah, my dad wasn't around much.
I had to teach myself
all the things that dads teach you.
How to ride a bike, how to shave,
how to change a tire,
how to masturbate.
What? No, dads don't teach you
how to masturbate.
I'm glad somebody told me
before I had kids.
This thing is actually really cool.
What made you sell it?
Needed the seed money
to start my company.
This was the only thing I had
that was worth anything.
You know, when you think about it,
this car is really responsible
for everything I have.
My beach house, my jet, my fortune.
- Alan.
- Shh.
That's not true.
That means your dad is responsible
for your success, too, doesn't it?
Never thought of it like that.
Guess he is.
Thanks, Dad.
Wow, that gave me the chills!
Oh, no, wait.
There's a hole in the floorboard.
- Does anybody else wanna drive?
- I don't know how to drive.
- What?
- I grew up in Manhattan.
I've been in taxis and cop cars.
Ooh!
This is my first time
in the front seat!
Well, there's no time
like the present.
- (ALL SCREAMING)
- (CARS HONKING)
I'm gonna pull in here.
I'm pretty sure they sell underwear
at Cracker Barrel.
- Berta?
- Hey, Zippy.
It's 10:00.
What are you still doing here?
It's 11 years later.
What are you still doing here?
- Where's your girlfriend?
- Gone. Think I lost her.
You mean, "lost," like you broke up?
Or, "lost," like the time
Charlie took Jake to Disneyland?
Broke up.
Wait, Charlie lost Jake?
Actually, Jake lost Charlie.
Security found him.
He was doing white snow
with Snow White.
So, what did you do
to drive this girlfriend away?
She thinks I still love Lyndsey,
which I'm not.
But she doesn't believe me.
Well, make her believe you.
You can make anybody
believe anything.
You made the IRS believe
you had seven dependents.
That's true.
I went to chiropractic college
on an NAACP scholarship.
Exactly.
You made those people
at the movie theater
believe that you were under 14.
And over 65.
Once on the same day.
The secret, both of those groups
wear little baseball caps.
I was saving this for your funeral.
But, Zippy, you're a charmer.
Thanks, Berta.
No, thank you.
Now, I don't have to go
to your funeral.
Wow!
This Utah sky is amazing.
We're indoors.
Wow!
This Colorado weed is amazing.
Guess who just joined
the 6106-Foot Club?
It doesn't count
when you do it alone!
Whatever. I don't like it here.
There's no Wi-Fi or cell service.
Like one of those movies
where the town's full of zombies.
- Or werewolves.
- Or zombie-werewolves.
- How would that happen?
- Hello, do the math!
Zombie bites a werewolf,
werewolf dies.
Comes back as a zombie-werewolf.
That's a badass unkillable creature!
He's right. Chain the door.
You think chaining the door
is gonna stop a zombie-werewolf?
I'll tell you what.
I'm not gonna be the guy
who gets killed by a zombie-werewolf
because I didn't chain the door.
Hey.
Thanks for coming with me, guys.
And I'm not just saying that
because I can use you as shields
when the zombie-werewolf
bursts through the door.
I'm really glad we came, too.
And about almost killing you guys
in the car earlier?
That's my bad.
I am glad
that Cracker Barrel had underwear.
And these "I Heart Denver"
sweatpants.
This is better than that family trip
I took to Utah as a kid.
My dad was trying to convince my mom
to add another wife to the family.
Started with one, tried to get two,
came home with zero.
- Hotel had a great pool, though.
- At least you knew your dad.
I barely knew Charlie.
I got one letter from him
my entire childhood.
It said, "Are your friends 18, yet?"
Hearing you talk about your dads
and thinking about mine,
makes me question
even wanting to have kids.
- You already have kids.
- Papa.
Come on, I'm not your dad.
You've been a better dad to me
than anybody ever has.
You took me in.
You inspired me
to be a better person.
You pushed me to be a dead junkie!
I really want that for you, too.
She's right, man.
You're a role model.
You believe that I can make
something out of myself.
You stopped me from going to prison
for teaching my son
how to masturbate.
That's right.
You wanna be a hands-on dad,
but not too hands-on.
Hey, bring it in, kiddo.
- (ALL CHUCKLE)
- Aww.
Oh, Dad?
Barry's got his hand
on my butt again.
- That's not my hand.
- Okay.
- Hey, Gretchie.
- I don't wanna talk to you now.
Gretchen's still mad at you.
But I'm on your side, Jeff.
Bros before hos.
Oh, good. You're all here.
Because I have something to say
to everyone.
Are you sure, Jeff?
Some things are better left unsaid.
I love you so much,
I can't imagine my life without you.
- Just stop.
- Maybe this will help.
OK, I appreciate the gesture.
But looking for change together
isn't gonna work this time.
The only change I want
is for us to be husband and wife.
- What?
- What?
Gretchen Martin,
will you do me the honor
of becoming Mrs. Alan Harper?
Oh, my God! My sister and my best...
Wait a minute.
- Who the hell is Alan Harper?
- Larry, look, boobs!
Look at you. You're doing great!
Haven't hit a guard-rail in miles.
Once you get the hang of it,
this driving thing isn't so tough.
How about after I restore it,
I give it to you?
What? You love this car.
I've gotten what I need out of it.
Rather have it stay in the family.
And who better to have it
than my sort-of daughter.
Aww!
You're the best sort-of dad, ever!
Whoa, hands on the wheel!
Hands on the wheel!
- Whoa!
- Why are you yelling at me?
You should yell at them for driving
on the wrong side of the road!
- (HORNS HONKING)
- (ALL SCREAMING)
♫ (THEME SONG) ♫
♫ (THEME SONG) ♫
(English US - SDH)
- Yep. It's my favorite recipe.
All you need is cookie dough
and weed.
The only thing you have to bake
is yourself.
It's very efficient.
It causes the munchies
and it immediately cures them.
Hey, what do you know?
They found my car.
You lost your car?
What's your cookie dough laced with?
No, I found this company.
They help you locate old vehicles.
It's called, "Dude, Where's My Car?"
So what's so great about this thing?
I don't know, it's my first car
and I had a lot of firsts in it.
First time I learned to drive,
first time I had sex.
First time I had a condom break.
First time I prayed.
So you gonna buy this car?
No, some guy named Dirk,
in Denver, has it.
Why have the effort of tracking it
if you don't want it?
Nostalgia?
It's kind of like looking up
your first girlfriend
or your high school math teacher.
For me, those were one and the same.
She still writes me from prison.
I think my math teacher
had a crush on me, too.
Why would he ask me to take a shower
after Math Team practice?
Good, everybody's here.
I would now like to introduce
my girlfriend.
- The very fetchin' Gretchen.
- Hey, everybody.
Hi, I'm Walden.
It's nice to finally meet you.
Alan told me you work in an
animal shelter, taking in strays.
So we have a lot in common.
- This is my niece, Jenny.
- Hi.
And we met.
I'm Barry, Walden's youthful ward.
It's really nice to meet all you.
God, this place is amazing.
How do you afford the rent, Alan?
- What's so funny?
- Well, I don't pay rent, per Se.
Or per month.
Or per year.
Really? No rent?
How long has that been going on?
Three years with Walden,
eight years with my dad.
You have been living here
for 11 years for free?
- Yeah.
- I have never wanted you more.
Who's my cheap daddy?
Would you like to see the bedroom
I don't pay for?
Would you like to see my boobs
I bought with a Groupon?
Will you let me get my grope on?
Nice to meet you, Gretchen.
Make yourself at home.
I've got to stop saying that.
What do you say
we hop on your plane,
head over to Denver
and at least look at this car?
You know you want to.
You guys just wanna go to Colorado
because pot is legal there.
What? It's legal?
They legalized marijuana
in Colorado?
You say up to three ounces?
Look, we're not going to Denver
to look at a car
and bring home three ounces of pot.
Yeah, but if we go with you,
we can bring back nine ounces.
I'll fire up the jet.
♫ (THEME SONG) ♫
Well, guess who just joined
the Mile-High Club?
No, it doesn't count
when you do it alone.
Oh, it counted, twice.
Up top.
- No!
- Not gonna happen.
This is crazy.
There's no way my old car
is worth the cost of going to Denver
and putting in a new bathroom.
We can't turn back now.
I canceled an audition for this.
You're kidding, right?
The part was,
"Dead Junkie Number Two".
Although, I did buy the painkillers
to get into character.
It doesn't matter what the role is.
This job leads to the next,
and you're playing
"Dead Junkie Number One".
And before you know it,
you're playing a live junkie!
Then, what?
Win a bunch of Oscars, get rich,
fly around on a private plane?
Oh, look, I skipped to the end.
What kind of car we gonna look at?
You can thank me later
for changing the subject.
It's a 1967 Mustang, with a 289 V-8,
a Holley four-barrel carb
and positraction.
What does that mean?
I have no idea.
My dad used to say it all the time
when we were working on the car.
I think it was one of his ways
of saying, "I love you."
Another was,
"Why is Daddy's beer empty?"
I totally get it.
My dad's coded "I love you" was,
"Seriously?
You can't catch a football
one damn time?"
So you worked on this with your dad.
Apparently, there is an emotional
connection with this car.
Well, it's a mixed emotion.
It took us two years to restore it.
When it was finished, it was cherry.
"Cherry" was also the name
of the stripper he drove off with
when he left me and my mom.
Why would you wanna buy something
that caused you so much pain?
I mean, that'd be like me
buying the senior prom.
Because on my 16th birthday,
I go outside the house
and there's that car,
sitting in the driveway.
No sign of my dad, though.
It was still the best birthday ever.
Until my mom took a baseball bat
to the windshield.
You know what my dad got me
for my 16th birthday?
Box of condoms and a card that said,
"Don't make the same mistake I did."
He was a joker.
How about you, Jenny?
She would've nailed
"Dead Junkie Number Two"!
What a great idea.
Having sex in every room
in the house.
Well, to be fair, the laundry room
was more you sitting on the dryer
- while I took a breather.
- Yeah.
Next time, I'm gonna throw in
a pair of snow boots.
- You know, "Boom, boom, boom"!
- Yeah.
One of the advantages
of being here alone.
Kind of makes a man
wanna buy a place of his own.
No, I'm gonna die here. I really am.
So, what do you wanna do tonight?
You know, besides this guy.
I would love to spend the night
doing "this guy".
But we promised Lyndsey and Larry
we'd meet them, remember? Karaoke?
Oh, that's right.
We can use my Halloween costumes
from last year.
You know, Donny and Marie?
Although I'm not sure you'd fit
into Walden's Donny outfit.
You know, I was thinking.
It'd be a great time to tell Larry
that you're not Jeff Strongman.
That you're really Alan Harper.
That's funny because I was thinking
tonight might be a great night
to not ruin four people's lives.
He's my brother, Alan.
I can't just keep lying to him.
I lied to my brother all the time.
It worked out great.
Your brother's dead!
I didn't say it worked out great
for everybody.
♫ (TUNING GUITAR) ♫
Hey. You Dirk?
- Are you a cop?
- No.
Then, I'm Dirk.
I'm Walden Schmidt.
I called about the car?
Actually, on the phone,
you asked if I was a cop.
And then, you asked me
if I wanted to buy any weed.
Yeah, that's the right order
to ask those questions.
I learned that the hard way.
- These your kids?
- No.
Are they mine?
Is this the car?
Yeah,
let me take her top off for you.
You're about to see one hot car.
Where? Behind this piece of crap?
She's not that pretty,
but she gets the job done.
Just like my old lady.
Hey, that's not bad.
♫ She's not that pretty
But she gets the job done ♫
♫ I like to escape
But I'm too old to run ♫
Yeah, that's a hit!
- So, is this your car?
- Yeah.
It still got the "Vote For Bush"
bumper sticker on it.
You were a Republican?
No, my friends and I
just thought it was funny.
You know, "Bush".
Tell you what. I love Bush.
You and me, both.
She's got a lot of wear-and-tear.
Not much to look at.
Looks like it was rear-ended.
Just like my old lady.
But she's got new headlights
and a roomy back seat.
Just like your old lady.
Hey, that's the mother
of three of my five kids!
Anyway, this bad boy
can still get up to a buck-ten.
Yeah, maybe if the truck towing it
was going a 110.
You don't believe me?
World's Wildest Police Chases,
episode 139.
- Whoa! What died in here?
- My granddad.
Seat-belt got jammed.
We had to leave him in there
for a couple of days.
Okay, well, hey, thank you
for showing us the car.
Hang on, hang on.
How much do you want for it?
Ah-ah-ah!
What are you doing?
$1800, unless you can come up
with some kind of other arrangement.
Ew!
- How about you?
- No!
$1800 it is, then.
Come on, I'm not buying this car.
Walden,
this car is a piece of your life.
It doesn't mean anything
to anybody in the world except you.
Alright, I'll give you $1800.
Dude, didn't haggle.
It's no good, unless you haggle.
Okay, fine, $1600.
- $1700.
- Deal, $1700.
Yeah!
I was just gonna give you $1800.
That's the thing about haggling.
Sometimes, you win.
Sometimes, you lose.
We definitely have to get
some of this guy's weed.
♫ (SINGING KARAOKE) ♫
Yeah! Gretchen! Jeff!
Follow that, bitches.
Come on, Lyndsey. It's our turn.
♫ Who let the dogs out? ♫
Woof, woof. Woof, woof.
Come on,
you can do better than that.
Larry, do I look like
I wanna do better than that?
Last time I saw that face,
I forgot to pick up wine.
Boy, was I in
the doghouse that night.
Hey!
♫ Who's in the doghouse? ♫
- ♫ Who, who, who, who? ♫
- That's what I'm talking about!
Let's show them how you
and your brother do it doggystyle!
He really doesn't hear himself,
does he?
Why are you here?
I've told you a hundred times.
I don't wanna double-date
with Gretchen and Jeff Strongman!
Well, you won't have to anymore.
Guess who's gonna tell Larry?
♫ Who, who, who, who? ♫
- What do you mean?
- I told Gretchen who I really am.
I was tired of living a lie.
Sneaking around, being dishonest.
I'm better than that.
- She caught you.
- Yes, yes, she did.
But it felt good
to get it off my chest.
If you tell Larry
who you really are,
then he's gonna wonder
why I didn't tell him.
That's not something I wanna deal
with less than two weeks
before we're supposed
to get married.
God, is it two weeks?
Boy, I better find those rings.
Alan, you're not gonna say a thing
about who you really are.
Well, I'm sorry,
but I already promised Gretchen.
And the fact of the matter is,
we aren't in a relationship anymore.
So you no longer have me
by the... (HIGH-PITCHED) balls!
♫ (SINGING KARAOKE) ♫
- Let's show them how we do it.
- There you go!
Menstrual cramps can't stop my lady!
It's Larry-oke time!
Oww!
♫ (SINGING KARAOKE) ♫
So did you talk to Larry, yet?
Well, I was running this whole thing
by Lyndsey and...
Whoa. Wait.
Why would you run it by Lyndsey?
She is the one getting married
and I didn't wanna spring it on her.
Because Lyndsey is not the girl
you wanna get angry,
unless you're about to have sex
because she turns into a freak.
I don't know why I'm saying this.
I know why.
You still have feelings for her.
That's crazy.
I think it's the right thing to do.
Oh, my God.
That is why you invented
Jeff Strongman in the first place.
It was to win Lyndsey back.
- Feelings like that don't disappear.
- Sure, they do.
There are things I used to love
that I don't love anymore.
Roller coasters, dairy, my mother.
This isn't funny, Alan!
- Well, I was just saying...
- No, listen to me.
If you wanna run everything
by your ex-girlfriend
and not tell Larry the truth,
then so be it.
But I don't want anything
to do with it, or you!
- Gretchen, wait!
- ♫ I feel good ♫
♫ I knew that I would now ♫
Come on, Jeff, you know the words.
♫ So good, so good ♫
I'm gonna die alone.
Oww!
- Aren't you glad I made you do this?
- Yeah, I'm having déjá vu.
My dad used to let me sit on his lap
and steer.
Yeah, my dad wasn't around much.
I had to teach myself
all the things that dads teach you.
How to ride a bike, how to shave,
how to change a tire,
how to masturbate.
What? No, dads don't teach you
how to masturbate.
I'm glad somebody told me
before I had kids.
This thing is actually really cool.
What made you sell it?
Needed the seed money
to start my company.
This was the only thing I had
that was worth anything.
You know, when you think about it,
this car is really responsible
for everything I have.
My beach house, my jet, my fortune.
- Alan.
- Shh.
That's not true.
That means your dad is responsible
for your success, too, doesn't it?
Never thought of it like that.
Guess he is.
Thanks, Dad.
Wow, that gave me the chills!
Oh, no, wait.
There's a hole in the floorboard.
- Does anybody else wanna drive?
- I don't know how to drive.
- What?
- I grew up in Manhattan.
I've been in taxis and cop cars.
Ooh!
This is my first time
in the front seat!
Well, there's no time
like the present.
- (ALL SCREAMING)
- (CARS HONKING)
I'm gonna pull in here.
I'm pretty sure they sell underwear
at Cracker Barrel.
- Berta?
- Hey, Zippy.
It's 10:00.
What are you still doing here?
It's 11 years later.
What are you still doing here?
- Where's your girlfriend?
- Gone. Think I lost her.
You mean, "lost," like you broke up?
Or, "lost," like the time
Charlie took Jake to Disneyland?
Broke up.
Wait, Charlie lost Jake?
Actually, Jake lost Charlie.
Security found him.
He was doing white snow
with Snow White.
So, what did you do
to drive this girlfriend away?
She thinks I still love Lyndsey,
which I'm not.
But she doesn't believe me.
Well, make her believe you.
You can make anybody
believe anything.
You made the IRS believe
you had seven dependents.
That's true.
I went to chiropractic college
on an NAACP scholarship.
Exactly.
You made those people
at the movie theater
believe that you were under 14.
And over 65.
Once on the same day.
The secret, both of those groups
wear little baseball caps.
I was saving this for your funeral.
But, Zippy, you're a charmer.
Thanks, Berta.
No, thank you.
Now, I don't have to go
to your funeral.
Wow!
This Utah sky is amazing.
We're indoors.
Wow!
This Colorado weed is amazing.
Guess who just joined
the 6106-Foot Club?
It doesn't count
when you do it alone!
Whatever. I don't like it here.
There's no Wi-Fi or cell service.
Like one of those movies
where the town's full of zombies.
- Or werewolves.
- Or zombie-werewolves.
- How would that happen?
- Hello, do the math!
Zombie bites a werewolf,
werewolf dies.
Comes back as a zombie-werewolf.
That's a badass unkillable creature!
He's right. Chain the door.
You think chaining the door
is gonna stop a zombie-werewolf?
I'll tell you what.
I'm not gonna be the guy
who gets killed by a zombie-werewolf
because I didn't chain the door.
Hey.
Thanks for coming with me, guys.
And I'm not just saying that
because I can use you as shields
when the zombie-werewolf
bursts through the door.
I'm really glad we came, too.
And about almost killing you guys
in the car earlier?
That's my bad.
I am glad
that Cracker Barrel had underwear.
And these "I Heart Denver"
sweatpants.
This is better than that family trip
I took to Utah as a kid.
My dad was trying to convince my mom
to add another wife to the family.
Started with one, tried to get two,
came home with zero.
- Hotel had a great pool, though.
- At least you knew your dad.
I barely knew Charlie.
I got one letter from him
my entire childhood.
It said, "Are your friends 18, yet?"
Hearing you talk about your dads
and thinking about mine,
makes me question
even wanting to have kids.
- You already have kids.
- Papa.
Come on, I'm not your dad.
You've been a better dad to me
than anybody ever has.
You took me in.
You inspired me
to be a better person.
You pushed me to be a dead junkie!
I really want that for you, too.
She's right, man.
You're a role model.
You believe that I can make
something out of myself.
You stopped me from going to prison
for teaching my son
how to masturbate.
That's right.
You wanna be a hands-on dad,
but not too hands-on.
Hey, bring it in, kiddo.
- (ALL CHUCKLE)
- Aww.
Oh, Dad?
Barry's got his hand
on my butt again.
- That's not my hand.
- Okay.
- Hey, Gretchie.
- I don't wanna talk to you now.
Gretchen's still mad at you.
But I'm on your side, Jeff.
Bros before hos.
Oh, good. You're all here.
Because I have something to say
to everyone.
Are you sure, Jeff?
Some things are better left unsaid.
I love you so much,
I can't imagine my life without you.
- Just stop.
- Maybe this will help.
OK, I appreciate the gesture.
But looking for change together
isn't gonna work this time.
The only change I want
is for us to be husband and wife.
- What?
- What?
Gretchen Martin,
will you do me the honor
of becoming Mrs. Alan Harper?
Oh, my God! My sister and my best...
Wait a minute.
- Who the hell is Alan Harper?
- Larry, look, boobs!
Look at you. You're doing great!
Haven't hit a guard-rail in miles.
Once you get the hang of it,
this driving thing isn't so tough.
How about after I restore it,
I give it to you?
What? You love this car.
I've gotten what I need out of it.
Rather have it stay in the family.
And who better to have it
than my sort-of daughter.
Aww!
You're the best sort-of dad, ever!
Whoa, hands on the wheel!
Hands on the wheel!
- Whoa!
- Why are you yelling at me?
You should yell at them for driving
on the wrong side of the road!
- (HORNS HONKING)
- (ALL SCREAMING)
♫ (THEME SONG) ♫
♫ (THEME SONG) ♫
(English US - SDH)