Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 18 - West Side Story - full transcript

Walden's reunion with his ex-girlfriend Kate does not go as planned, and Alan takes Gretchen over to "his apartment."

Previously on Two and a Half Men...

Larry, where can I put this poop?

This is my sister, Gretchen.
She just moved here.

Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman!

Larry and Lyndsey
are in Palm Springs.

You wanna come inside?

- That's what she said!
- That's what he said!

No, I really like Gretchen.
I can't do this.

Jeff Strongman can't,
but Alan Harper can.

Works for me.

- Oh, boy.
- What?

I just got an interesting e-mail.

If it says, "Local, horny housewives
looking for action," it's a lie.

It should say, "Local police
entrapping confused citizens."

It's an Evite from Kate.
She's opening a boutique in LA.

- Who's Kate?
- It's a long story.

It's not that long.

Kate was the great love of his life,
who he met by pretending to be poor.

By the time he told her the truth,

she'd become a successful designer
and moved to China.

At first, they e-mailed frequently,
but it tapered off over time.

Now he just uses Google Earth
to look in her bedroom window.

But the image hasn't refreshed,
so he just stares for hours

at a photo of a Hong Kong cab driver
named Bao Ling.

I never told you any of that.

Well, it's kind of my job to know
the ins and outs of your life.

No, it's not!

If you don't want me to know,
come up with a harder password.

dollar-symbol big-C-little-K".

She says, "I hope to see ya."
That's good, right?

Is it, "ya, Y-A,"
or "you, Y-O-U"?

"Ya, Y-A".

Why? She hopes I can make it.

I say, "ya,"
when I wanna blow somebody off.

See ya. Call ya.
I have Chlamydi-ya.

She's right.

Get out of here, "ya freak."
Never done this before, have "ya?"

I'm your cousin.
What's wrong with ya?

It doesn't matter
whether it's "you" or "ya".

The important thing is,
she wants me to go.

On the other hand,
it could be a mass e-mail.

I'd hate to go and have her talking
to a guy named Jacques or Filippo.

Okay, those names are awesome.

"Hi, it's-a me, Filippo.

I live with my mother, but
it's not weird because I'm Italian."

Maybe I'm wrong. Just go and see.

And, Filippo, your fly's open.


ALAN: Hey.

Is that your stuff?

Is it happening?
Are you moving out?

You're cute.
I'm not leaving till I'm in a box.

I dug out all our old board games
for my couples night with Larry.

Monopoly, Parcheesi, Clue.

First, you have sex
with this guy's girlfriend.

Now you're having sex
with his sister?

I'm with "Larry in the living room
with the lead pipe".

He wants to spend more time together
now that I'm dating Gretchen.

How's Lyndsey taking you moving on?

Pretty well. Last night she said,
"I still want you."

I heard him! I heard him!


It's a movie.

- West Side Story!
- We have a winner!

How the hell did you get that?

You know, fin, shark,
Sharks and Jets.

And I know how my Jeffy
loves his musicals.

My favorite musical is My Fair Lady.
It reminds me of my Gretchie.

I think I'm gonna wretchie.

- You guys are tough!
- It's like I can read her mind.

- I think it.
- And I say it!

Larry and I are the same way.
Watch. It's a movie.

A duck! A beak! A duck!

Flying ducks! Ducks ahoy!

Donald Duck! Daffy Duck!

Duck and cover!
Duck, Duck, Goose!

Duck Dynasty! Mighty Ducks!

Mighty Ducks Two!
Mighty Ducks Three!

It's not a duck!


Ben Affleck!

Good Will Hunting!
Hunting ducks!

Ducky from Pretty in Pink!

It's The Wizard of Oz!

There's no duck in The Wizard of Oz.

What the duck is wrong with you?

- I need a drink.
- Anyone else want a refill?

- Gretchen?
- Why don't you just read her mind?


Sex on the beach. And not the drink.

Looks like my fair lady
is more like "my naughty lady".

Can you guess
what I'm thinking, Lyndsey?


Whoa, that is spooky!



Alan, let's see
if you can read my mind.

I'll give you a hint.
It rhymes with duck.

- I'm not sure that's a good idea.
- I just came in for dessert.

Okay, well, there's pie.

There's cake.
There's gluten-free cookies.

Hey, Jeff!


Hey, how did I get here?
Am I sleepwalking?

- Lyndsey?
- This isn't what it looks like.

- It looks like you're cheating.
- Okay, I can explain.

I'm not stupid.
I know what's going on.

You'll never fit that wedding dress
if you keep cheating on your diet.

- Yes, the diet. He's not stupid.
- You're right, honey. I am weak.

This is all my fault, Larry.

As Best Man, I have to make sure
that nothing goes into her mouth

that shouldn't be there.

Exactly. You can't let her blow it.


Oh, my God. I'm so nervous.

Do I look nervous?
I don't wanna be nervous.

I have dry-mouth.

Is that weird?
I don't wanna be weird. Am I weird?

There she is.

- Hi, handsome.
- Hey, bring it in!

I forgot how beautiful you are.

That's a lie.
I think about it every day.

You look beautiful, too.

Thank you!
I'm using a new seaweed scrub.

It makes me smell like dead fish,
but I get a glow.

This is Barry and Jenny.

They're my new Alans.

- Hi, it's nice to meet you.
- You, too.

You look different
than your satellite photos.

Can you hang on one second?

I have to say goodbye
to this magazine editor.

- Yeah, sure.
- Okay, I'll be right back.

Oh, if you can't find me,
just follow the smell of dead fish!

If I die, that's the last thing
she remembers me saying.

Would you just relax?
She's obviously into you.

She looks at you
the way that he looks at me.

Like she wants to eat me?


When I said, bite me, it didn't mean
what you think it means.

Just ask her out.

Then she goes back to China
and I get left heartbroken again?

Think about it this way.

You can spend the next two days
hanging out with her,

or the next two days
hanging out with us.


Come on, Barry.
Let's get drunk and grope models.

This is nice.

Walden? Sorry.

Sorry, my date's a little tipsy.

Don't worry. She's not driving.

Hey, do you want to go out?
For dinner or something?

I mean, no pressure.
Just two old friends catching up.

Old friends who've taken pictures
of each other naked.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

I deleted those photos.

- I didn't.
- Me, neither.

I wanna hear what's been going on.
I've got so much to tell you.

So let's do it.

Okay. Dinner, conversation.
No sex!

Get rid of the conversation,
we can pretend we're married.

- Well, thanks again. This was fun.
- I'm gonna walk Jeff out.

You guys probably want some privacy
so you can play tonsil-hockey.

Seriously, Larry?

It's not like we don't know
they're having sex.

Remember the other night,
I was like, they're going at it.

You were, like, "Larry!"
And I was, like, what?

You were, like, "Focus on me!"
I was, like, I already finished.

I remember!

Why don't I get the door for you?

- Again, we had a lovely evening...
- Yeah, yeah, see you.

Wow, that was uncomfortable.

I think Lyndsey's tired
of having me around.

I've been living in the guest room
for two weeks.

Doesn't seem so long to me.

Hey, how about tomorrow
we go to your place?

My place? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

But what about Larry?

I mean, he seems to really enjoy
hearing us have sex.

Jeff, do you not want me
to see your place?

You're worried about your porn?
Don't. I love porn.

You're perfect.

Did someone make you in the lab
or sent directly from heaven?

That's me.

I am a robot angel,
who masturbates to pornography.

My place it is. Tomorrow night.


I can't wait to see
what your place looks like.

Neither can I.

Quick, Barry. Call the police.

A male model is robbing us
and he's already stolen my heart.

What do you want?

My heart back.

Also, Gretchen is coming over.


She wants to see
Jeff Strongman's place.

This isn't even Alan Harper's place!

Alan Harper's Place.
That's a good name for a sitcom.

"Alan Harper's Place is filmed
before a live studio audience."

That's funny.

Anyway, just while she's here,
just call me "Jeff".

Or "Mr. Strongman, J-Dawg."
Whatever, just have fun with it.

Okay, I'm gonna go on my date now.

And when I get back,
I don't wanna see Gretchen,

or "Jeff", or "J-Dawg",
or "DJ Strongman".


In fact, I don't wanna see Alan,
or "A-Dawg",

or any of the cast
of Alan Harper's Place.

If I had a place to sleep here,
my apartment would be free.

You had me at "free."

Have you traveled around China?
Did you get to see the Great Wall?

Yeah, I saw it.
It's a good wall. It's not great.

I felt the same way
about the Grand Canyon.

More like, the Bland Canyon.

I'm glad we came back here.

I thought it was appropriate to come
to the place we had our first date.

It's very sweet.

What's when I thought you were poor.
Now you're just cheap.

I figured,
since we're not having sex,

why bother spending
a lot of money on dinner?

Tonight just kind of feels right,
you know?


And honestly,
the no-sex thing isn't weird at all.

I didn't even have to shave my legs.

I did, but that was more
of a personal choice.

It's like friends-with-no-benefits.

Yeah, I actually kind of prefer it.
I mean, there's no pressure.

- No nerves.
- No walk of shame.

No massages.

No hot oil.

No kisses on my neck.

No fingers running down my spine.

No orgasms.

And no idea
why we're not having sex right now.

- I'll race you to the car.
- Right behind you.

Oh, God.
I've been waiting a year for this.

It feels so great
to be with you again.

That's against the rules.
No feelings.

So you don't want me to feel this?

Apparently, the rules can be bent
and straightened.



Was that you or me?

Girls don't make sounds like that,



That was you!


Did I make it to the toilet?

- Oh, this is a cute place.
- Yeah, it really is cute, isn't it?

I like what I've done with it.

- Oh, and you have a cat?
- Apparently, I do.

What's his name?

His name is Mr. Cat.

You're terrible
at coming up with names.

You didn't tell me you went to MIT.

Well, I don't like to brag.

- What did you major in?
- Math.

With a focus on numbers.

I'm terrible at math.

Every time I count to a hundred,
I get stuck on 69.

Dirty math jokes.

Let's see how many times
your orgasms multiply.

We really are perfect
for each other.

I know, right?

- Can I tell you something?
- Yeah, of course, anything.

You are the first man I have trusted
since my divorce.

Well, you know,
MIT stands for "Man I Trust".

No, it's more than that.

My husband was a liar and a cheater.
He was not the man I thought he was.

Well, you know,
some guys can be real jerks.

Thank God you're not like that.

Yeah, thank God.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't mean to bring us down.

It just feels so good to open up
and let somebody in again.

Well, I'm glad you did.

In fact, I'm not even
going to make a dirty joke

about you opening up
and letting me in.

You care enough about me
to pass up sexy wordplay.

And it was very hard on me.

- You said "hard on."
- Kiss me.

- How you doing in there? You okay?
- KATE: Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

If someone read a transcript
of this date,

it'd sound like
we were having hot sex.

Oh, God, it's in my hair!

That sounds like
we just finished having hot sex.


KATE: What was that?

Hold on.
I think Alan saw a spider again.

What the hell is going on?
Oh, Lyndsey.


- Wait. You two didn't...
- Are you kidding? No!

Third base.

I got into bed to surprise Alan...


- Where is Alan?
- He's at my place.

- What?
- What?


What the hell was that?

Oh, God!


So, you ready for a ride
on the Barry-go-round?

Boy, I really regret buying
a wicker waste basket right now.

Thank you.

I can't help feeling
this is my fault.

Why? Just because you ordered
the Squid Surprise?

"Try it, Walden. It won't kill you."
I wish it had.

Only you could make me smile
when I'm this sick.

- I really missed you.
- I've missed you, too.

Even if this is the way we spend
the whole time that you're here...

I’m just glad we're together.

You are so sweet.

Hey, you know,
right after you throw up

how there's that 20-minute window
when you feel better?

- Yeah?
- I'm in mine.

So if you're in yours...

Then you could put yours in mine.



Window's closing!

Oh, me, too!


Shrimp's sexy sister.

Tastes a little odd,
but Alans can't be choosers.

Oh, hey, Lyndsey. What's up?

- Where were you last night?
- Last night?

Don't you ask questions
while you think of a lie.

"That thing where I ask questions
while I think of a lie"?

I was with Gretchen.

I see. Well, I snuck into your room
to give you a little surprise

and molested the kid
sleeping in your bed.

Please, tell me he's 18.

If you told me he was anywhere
from 12 to 60, I'd believe you.

Let's not waste time fighting.
I have a half-hour to meet Larry.

He's in the park,
feeding the fricking ducks.

Oh, no, no, Lyndsey, wait.

- What?
- I can't do this.

What do you need?
Pills, porn or pinky?

No, I'm not gonna have sex with you.
I really like Gretchen.

I'm not gonna cheat on her.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

So, I guess this is goodbye.

I'm still gonna be the Best Man
at your wedding.

Goodbye, Alan.

Well, well.
Look who's back for more.

Get away from me, you freak.

Wait, did you say "ya" or "you"?

- Well, this has been horrible.
- Yes.

But from now on,

every time you see a toilet,
you'll think of me.

And every time you hear a woman say,
"Hold my hair out of the puke",

you'll think of me.

So, listen.

Next time we see each other,
if we're still single,

we'll forget all the rules
and just bang our brains out.

I'll get a air mattress
for the bathroom floor.


Let's not make a big deal of this.
Let's just kiss and say goodbye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

BERTA: Sorry about that.


By the way, I saw your bathroom.
I quit.

Screw China. Let's do it right now.

Wow, you're lighter than I remember.

I'm not lighter. I'm just empty.

Puking all night
and screwing all day.

It's like Charlie never left.

Down, Mr. Cat! Down, down!

- Really love that little guy.
- You want some breakfast?

Sure, if it comes
with a side order of Gretchen.

And you can serve me over-easy.

And you can serve me

Oh, hey.

- Who the hell are you?
- No, it's okay. This is my...


Jimmy. Jimmy Strongman.

It's Jim, Dad.
I'm not a little kid anymore.


- Oh, God.
- What was that?


My other mom
never dressed like that.

(English US - SDH)