Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 17 - Welcome Home, Jake - full transcript

Realizing that Barry fits too nicely among his parasitic-lazy house-mates, Walden finds the courage to give him marching orders, albeit generously helping to find him a cozy apartment at Walden's expense. Alan feared his relationship being found out would wreck his Jeff Streogan alter ego happiness, but Lyndsey gets jealous enough to resume sex with Alan and Larry is delighted to find his sister engaging in kinky sex with briefs-only best man 'Jeff', whom he even promotes best friend. To Walden's horror, Barry shamelessly abuses his standing invitation hardly to leave the beach-house, so the owner seeks privacy in the apartment.

Previously on Two and a Half Men...

I am gonna ask Lyndsey to marry me.

- Will you marry me?
- Yes, I will marry you!

I was wondering if you'd do me
the honor of being my best man.

- What?
- What?

Larry, where can I put this poop?

This is my sister, Gretchen.
She just moved here.

Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman!

I think the computer
just read his thoughts!

The guy I had dinner with last night
offered me a job in San Francisco.

- Where does that leave us?
- I have to take this.

Sorry, buddy. I'm here for you.

- If you wanted to go with her...
- Thank God.

I thought about what you said
and I don't wanna work for Google.

I wanna stay and work with you.

We're gonna do great things

All right.

So where do I sleep?

So where do I sleep?

- Hello?
- Hey.

- Jake?
- Barry.

Did you break into this house
and kill Walden?

Because if you did, just know.
I'm one hell of a roommate.

No, I'm a friend of Walden's.

I'm gonna be crashing here
for a few days.

Actually, Walden would probably say
I'm his best friend.


Because I have a picture
of us at Splash Mountain

that refutes that statement.

What's that you're cooking?

Cinnamon-French toast.
Walden's favorite.

- Walden's allergic to cinnamon.
- No, Walden is allergic to nutmeg.


What's his birthday, favorite color
and worst fear?

July 12th, forest green,
dying in your arms.

Coffee? Cream, two Splendas?

- Wait, you know what I like, too?
- I know a lot of things.

I know you're sleeping with Lyndsey,
who is engaged to Larry,

who thinks you're Jeff Strongman.

And you just went on a date
with Gretchen, Larry's sister.

And your worst fear
is not dying in this house.


- Get out of my head!
- Something smells good.

That is the cinnamon-French ta-tas.

Hey, you must be Jake!

Give your cousin Jenny a hug.

- That's not Jake.
- Shut up, Dad.

- Morning.
- Hey, Berta.

Welcome home, Jake.

That's not Jake.
That's Walden's friend, Barry.

Berta, making a special batch
of French toast for you,

topped with a dollop
of marijuana butter.

I like Not-Jake.

All right, who wants the first batch?


Hell, no!



Extra, extra!
Alan boards the Titanic!

Read all about it!

You're just jealous.

Jealous of what?
Your role in the Newsies remake?

I will have you know
that the salesgirl at Goodwill

said that I looked dashing.

Why are you wearing this outfit?

Going out with Gretchen
again tonight.

What, as her date or her caddie?

That reminds me.
I got to get a cover for my wood.

Why are you going out
with her again?

What do you mean?
I like her, she likes me.

Honestly, I can see myself spending
Jeff Strongman's life with her.

Okay, unlike Jeff Strongman,

she is a real person,
with real feelings.

And real...

I know, I know.
I don't wanna hurt her.

If that's the case,
then you need to walk away.

I will, I will, you're right.
Right after I have sex with her.


Well, I'm not gonna walk away
while I'm having sex with her.

That would be rude.

Hey, Jeff Strongman
looks good in that hat.

Top of the day to you, too, sir.

Wait, you can tell
when he's not Alan?

Oh, yeah.
Jeff exudes a quiet confidence.

Whereas Alan just exudes.

Is there a shower I can use?

Yeah, Alan's room's down the hall,
on the left.

- What about Jenny's?
- She's in there with Brooke.

I don't think I can go in again
"by accident".

But what about your bathroom?

They're all my bathrooms!
Alan's shower.


So, is this a pee-in-the-shower
or not-pee-in-the-shower household?


So, it's a pee-in-the-shower
and-lie-about-it household.

Don't touch my shower-porn!

That stuff took a long time
to laminate.

Everything you say is weird!

Look, I know you're upset
about Barry moving in with us.

But hitting me with a 25-cent hat
is not gonna solve anything!

He's not moving in!

He's just staying for a couple days
while we brainstorm some new ideas.

Walden, you are such a pushover.

Somebody else said they were
gonna stay for a few days. Remember?

Believe me, I remember.

Here we are, four months later
and Jenny's still living with us.

Why can't you hear yourself?


- Maybe we should start again.
- Why, was I pitchy?

You're so adorable.

And you have broccoli
in your teeth.

- You wanna get it, for me?
- A kiss and a free meal.

Yum. I've never had broccoli
and tongue before.

I got to say I love that hat on you.

It's funny, I gave one
just like that to Goodwill.

Yeah, yeah, this is the same one.

Well, thanks again
for dinner tonight.

- Next one's on you, though.
- Absolutely.

Speaking of which, I'm not sure
we should keep seeing each other.

We don't have to go
somewhere expensive.

God, you're making this so hard.

That's what he said.

Oh, peas, pod.

No, it's just, you know.

I'm Larry's best man
and you're his sister.

What if things go wrong
and we screw up the wedding?

Look, I like you
and I think you like me.

If it'll make you more comfortable
we can keep it a secret for now.

I mean,
if you're good at keeping secrets.

I don't know.

Strongman in German
means "honest man".

- Is that true?
- Jawohl.

But I suppose we could keep it
under ze radar.

So, you know, Larry and Lyndsey
are in Palm Springs for the weekend.

- They are?
- Yeah.

You wanna come inside?

- That's what she said!
- That's what he said!

This is awesome.

These are the best graphics
I've ever seen.

The cops shot my tires out.
Now I'm running.

Wait, this isn't a video game.

We're watching a car-chase
on the news.

So I didn't score that three-pointer
to win the Laker game, either?

Are you sure you're not Jake?

I'm not sure.

Hey, are you guys really lesbians?

Or are you like those "lesbians"
from Craigslist,

that came over and tied me up
and stole my laptop?

If we weren't, would we do this?

Okay, Brain, you are high,
but I need you to remember this.

Forget calculus if you have to.

Nobody heard the pizza guy
at the door?

I told you
we wouldn't have to get up.

Told you
we wouldn't have to pay for it.

Is this you guys have been doing
the whole day?

No, we spent an hour trying to find
where you hid your bong.

Which knocked me into overtime, FYI.

Walden, I am loving it here.

I mean, pizza, lesbians,
weed scavenger hunts.

Nobody paying rent.

It just keeps getting better.

Barry, can I talk to you
for a second?

You're in trouble!

Is this why you're here?
To hang out, get high, eat pizza?

I feel this is a trick question.

Listen, I thought you were here
to work on a new project with me.

No, no, no, I am. I am.

Okay, okay, check out this idea.

Brooke and Jenny make out earlier,
and I thought to myself,

what if we filmed lesbians
doing stuff to each other?

And then,
we put that on the internet.

- How has no one thought of that?
- I know!

You know what?
It's too late for them.

They're a lost cause.

We can hear you.

I will give any of you
a hundred dollars.

All you have to do is come up here
and take it from me.

- We're good.
- Later.

Did you see that? Don't be them!

I only let you stay for a few days
to help you transition.

Okay, okay, I got another idea.

Bacon-flavored eggs.

All me and you got to figure out

is how to make the chicken
and the pig have sex.

Maybe you could show them
the lesbian porn.


Wait, wait, wait, I have an idea.

What if you got the chickens drunk?
Would that work?

I've got laid a lot
by getting chicks drunk.

Hey, Berta, what about you?
You ever been with a woman?

Have you?

There you are.

Get down off that couch,
you naughty boy.

A quarter.
Hey, this hat just paid for itself.

Give me that.

Drop it.


So how was Palm Springs?

- What the hell's going on here?
- It isn't what it looks like.

Looks like you're having kinky sex
with my sister.

Then it is what it looks like.

- I can't believe this.
- Me, neither!

This is the best day of my life!

What guy doesn't wanna see
his best friend bang his sister?

- What?
- What?

My two favorite people in the world
got together!

Those are your two favorite people?

Don't worry, you're number three.

If you were banging my sister,
you'd be number one.

Well, I'm glad
you're so excited about this.

I was worried you were gonna
punch me in the face.

If anything, I'd swat your nose
with a rolled-up newspaper.

Or cut off your balls.

Well, I'm gonna go get dressed.
I have to take Jeff for a walk.

That special bottle of champagne
we were saving for our wedding?

Let's pop it now!

Why not? I just popped your sister
five minutes ago.

Jeff, you are the king!

Really? What are you doing
with Larry's sister?

Just a little game.

I pretend I'm a dog, she rescues me,
and then I give her my bone.

All right, Alan, you know what? Stop.

Stop being friends with my fiancé,
stop dating my fiancé's sister

and stop poking me on Facebook!

It doesn't mean
what you think it does!

You can't tell me what to do!
I am my own man!

I will do what I want,
with whomever and whenever I want!

Now excuse me!

You're standing on my leash.

All the single Barrys
All the single Barrys

Make a turkey sandwich
Make a turkey sandwich

If you like,
You shoulda put some cheese on it

If you like it,
You shoulda put some cheese on it



- Barry, can I talk to you?
- Sure. What's up?

Let me ask you something.

Suppose someone was living with you
and you wanted them to leave.

How would you go about
making that clear?

Well, I don't like confrontation.

So I'd probably
do something passive-aggressive.

Sit them down and ask them
how they would approach...

Oh, you're asking me to move out.

No, no, no,
I'm not asking you to move out.

I'm asking you to move in

to the outside.

Man, I'm so sorry.
I've been having a lot of fun here.

You know, everybody's so nice
and you've been so welcoming.

Up until just now,
when you told me to get out.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that
I don't love having you here.

I don't think I can legally
have anyone else live here

unless I adopt them.

I'm down for that.

Okay, well, let's table that.

But in the meantime,
we'll look for an apartment.

Well, today's kind of already shot.
Maybe pick it up tomorrow?

Yeah, okay, yeah.
I mean, it's 10:30.

In the morning.

Great, I'm gonna go get high
and eat my sandwich out on the deck.

He's never moving out.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Wait, are you just getting back
from your date with Gretchen?

I had to go back to the restaurant.
I left my hat at the valet stand.


You would never pay for parking.

All right, admit it.
You slept with Gretchen.

You're right, I slept with her.

And I found a broken meter
two blocks away from the restaurant.

I thought you were calling it off.

Well, I started to!
But you know how breakups go.

I mean, you try to be considerate
and let her down easy.

Next thing you know, you're wearing
a dog-collar and a leash,

she lets you lick peanut butter
out of a chew-toy between her boobs.

Look at this place.

Hello, apartment.
Goodbye panties, huh?

I don't think this place is for me.
It just doesn't scream, "Barry."

It will, when the panties come off.

No. Plus, the feng shui is just off.

All right, this is the sixth place
you didn't like.

And the last one, you said,
"was in a bad school district."

- What's going on here?
- Nothing. Nothing's going on.

- I've never really lived alone.
- Never?

When my dad left, I lived with Mom.
And then, boarding school.

In college, I always had roommates.
After college, I lived with Nicole.

I'm like a baby duck, Walden.

When Mama Duck leaves,
I cling to the next mama duck.

Okay, but my flock is too big.

So, you got to get the flock
out of my house.

I don't think
I can make it on my own.

Listen, I know what's going on.
I know how you feel.

I felt the same way
when my wife walked out on me.

- What'd you do?
- I bought a house.

And let a 45-year-old man
and his son live there.

A real Scared Straight moment here.
Let's grab a pizza on the way back.

Barry, listen to me!

I'm gonna say something to you
that I have never said before.

You can't live with me!

My God.


I did it.
I'm sorry, you're my first.

No, no, I don't wanna be your first!

Your first should be special,
like a whore your step-dad buys you.

Is an example I just made up.

Listen, you are gonna be okay.

And you can come and visit
anytime that you want.

Yeah, just stop on by.

But you can't live with me!
Now or ever!

Okay, but I can't just stay here.

Yes, you can!

I'll take care of the paperwork,
then I'll send your stuff over.

You can just make yourself at home!
But you can't live with me!

All right, message received.

I'm sorry. I'm just really excited.
This is a big moment for me.

I'm gonna go find Alan!
You can't live with me!

You can't live with me!
I'm sorry, sir.

But you can't live with me!

I can't tell you how happy I am
you guys are dating.

No offense, sis.
Some of the guys you've brought.

I mean, no job, no house, no car.
Real losers.

Like the deadbeats I used to date
before I found Larry.

I've had some real winners
in my past, too.

Cheaters, drunks,

45-year-old women
trying to pass as 38.

Lyndsey's just turned 38!

Well, luckily, those people
are out of our lives now.


Sometimes, I see their stupid faces
right in front of me.

That might be
a wine-induced hallucination.

Speaking of wine,
a toast to the four of us.

May this be the first of many
dinners, celebrations, holidays,

- vacations, anniversaries...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.

To us. Bottoms up.

- I know mine will be.
- Bad girl.

We're making them uncomfortable.

Not as uncomfortable as last night.

Having sex with your butt
on a hot stove.

We were fooling around
in the kitchen

and I picked him up
in a moment of passion.

I loved it.

Lyndsey doesn't use the stove
for cooking or sex.


Sweetie, what are you doing?

Don't forget
the little butter-packets.

You're my little butter-packet.

Doesn't look like they're thinking
about their exes now.

No, it doesn't.

- He's thinking about banging...
- I know what he's thinking!

One roommate down, two to go.

Alan, where are you?

Hey, there he is.

Barry, what are you doing here?

Well, you said I could stop by
anytime I wanted.

Yeah, but I just left you
17 minutes ago.

I know. Missed you, too.

Are you done?
We're in the middle of a game.

Can you go on a beer-run?

What the hell is going on here?
This is my house!

Do you mind?

Some of us are trying to nap!

Well, put up a sign that says,
"Only one roll of mints per person".


Are you waiting?
Someone pooping in there?

What the hell was that about?
"You're my little butter-packet."

What upset you more?

That she stole that bread
or my heart?

So you are doing this
just to make me jealous.

No, that's not it, at all.

That's too bad because it's working.

Sorry. No, I really like Gretchen.
I can't do this.

Jeff Strongman can't,
but Alan Harper can.

Works for me.

That a roll of mints in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?

Actually, it is a roll of mints.

And a comb.

And a bottle of Paco Rabanne.

All right, this shot for the win.

Be the ball. See the cups.

Hey, Barry, check out these cups.

Ball to the face.
First time for everything.

I may need to see that again
and again.

Walden, we have security cameras,

Where's Walden?

I could totally live here.

Screech, will you never learn?


(English US - SDH)