Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 7 - Avoid the Chinese Mustard - full transcript

Jake goes AWOL from the Army to spend another weekend with Missi, and Walden hires an actress to play the role of his girlfriend.

Previously on Two and a Half Men:

- What you doing here?
- Got a weekend pass.

- I took a train in to surprise you guys.
- Hi, soldier.

- Hello.
- You must be Jake.

- I'm sleeping in your room.
- Well, God bless America.

You are just so sweet.
I swear I could just eat you up.

But, you know, then I'd probably get
a sugar rush.

- Missi still sleeping?
- No, she's in the shower.


I get another pass in a month.
Maybe we can see each other then.

I sort of have a boyfriend.

Boyfriend? But I thought you...

Goodbye, Jake.

Don't be a hero.

What the hell just happened?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Wait, I thought you had a date
with Lyndsey.

Oh, yeah, I was supposed to,
but we decided to take a little break.

- How come?
- Oh, I'm not privy to that information.

All I was told is we need to take a break.

So you're supposed to just wait around...

...until she decides you're worthy
of her presence?

Or until she needs her rain gutters
cleaned out.

And that's not a euphemism.

This is the kind of crap you put up with
when you're in a relationship.

Oh, but it's a small price to pay
for love, companionship...

...and a parking spot for the pink Prius.

It's hard to believe
that Lyndsey needed a break from you.

If you will excuse me, I have a date
with an extra-large meat lover.

That did not sound right.

I ordered a pizza.

- Walden.
- Missi?

I am so sorry to show up unannounced,
but me and my mom got in this huge fight...

...over whether or not I should pay rent.

I said, "If I pay, your boyfriend should too."
He said, "Don't sass your mother."

I said, "Do not tell me what to do.
I am six months older than you."

Anyway, you said I was welcome here
anytime I want.

So ding-dong, here I am.

- Alan, how are you?
- I'm good. What brings you here?

- Me and my...
- No, no.


- Jake, what are you doing here?
- I got a weekend pass.

Missi? What are you doing, here?

Jake? What a surprise.

- I'm suspicious.
- You think?

I just can't get over this coincidence.
I mean, what are the odds...

...the same weekend I come home,
Missi just...

Jake, let it go.

Missi, help me out here.
I thought you guys broke up.

We did. But then Jake sent me
this giant cookie he baked...

...that was shaped like a heart and said,
"I Missi You." And I just melted.

Well, you know, I can't take all the credit.
The cookie was loaded with pot.

So, Jake, you wanna go
to your bedroom and unpack?

That's okay, I don't really have much.

Well, then maybe
you could help me unpack.


Dude, she's not really talking
about unpacking.

Oh. Oh, okay, yeah. I could definitely go
for a good unpacking.

Well, then come on.

Hey, maybe later we could go
for a walk on the beach.

Oh, yeah.

She means an actual walk
on the beach.

That's it. I'm out of here.

- Where you going?
- Someplace quiet.

- What are you talking about? It's quiet here.
- Wait for it.

Jake, slow down.
There's a zipper on this thing.

Oh, God,
I can't hear my son having sex. Ugh.

Push it good

Ah, push it

Much better.


Excuse me?

I'm sorry. That... That was involuntary.

I just think you're very beautiful.

Thank you.

If we weren't in a library,
I would have applauded.

Got it. Thanks.

I'm sorry. What are you doing here?

Nobody goes to the library anymore.

Oh, it's one of the few places
that I can go to...

...where strange men don't hit on me.


Sorry. It's... I'll leave you alone.

I come here because they have a great
collection of Thomas Edison diaries.

They're very illuminating.

Get it? It's Thomas Edison's?

The light bulb?

Never mind.

Just for the record,
I wasn't hitting on you.

I was just making small talk.

Duly noted.

Last thing I would wanna do
is hit on anyone.

I'm taking a time out from the whole
"boy meets girl, girl dumps boy...

...boy doubts his worth
as a human being" thing.


Oh, for God's sake.
Would you like to join me?

- Oh, no, no, no. I don't want to impose.
- Just get over here.

- Walden.
- Whitney.

Hi. So, Whitney, tell me about yourself.
What do you do?

- I'm an actress.
- Oh.

- How's that going?
- Not so good.

- I haven't worked in almost two years.
- Ooh.

Tough business
or are you just not talented?

What do you mean,
am I "just not talented?"

You don't know me.
You don't know what I can do.

You're lucky I don't reach under this table,
rip off your balls and feed them to you.

Sorry. It's my bad.

And scene.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Where's Missi?
- She's unpacking.

You know, for real.

- Right. I'm glad you're having fun.
- Oh, I am.

I can't imagine ever being
with anyone else.

Yeah, I remember that feeling.

You kiss a girl, see fireworks,
and fall head over heels in love.

And then, one day, you wake up
in a cold, loveless marriage...

...with a soul-sucking shrew
who makes you wish for an early death.

Uh, you realize you're talking about
my mother.

Yeah. So you get it.

So anyway,
after I moved out to Los Angeles...

...I promised myself I'd give it two years.

And if I wasn't a star by then,
I'd move home and get a real job.

- So how much time do you have left?
- Eleven days.

Well, that's four more than God took.

God didn't have my agent.

Listen, if I could hire you to act, I would.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

You know, what if I could hire you?

- For what?
- Well, stick with me...

...because I'm just thinking out loud here.

See, here's the thing.

I'm a serial monogamist,
but I'm not very good at relationships...

...because they're emotional,
they get messy...

...people fall in and out of love,
somebody ends up crying.

That's usually me.

Walden, I'm not gonna date you.

Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want you to date me.

What if I hired you
to play the role of my girlfriend?

You think I'm a hooker?

No, no, no. No sex. I...
You know, take sex off the table.

In fact, take it off the table,
the car, the floor, the bed...

...windmill at the putt-putt golf course.


So I'm supposed to just believe
that some random guy...

...that I meet in the public library... going to pay me
to be his sex-free companion?

How does this not end
with my head in a freezer?

- Google me.
- What?

Walden Schmidt. Google me.

Wow, that's a lot of zeros.

Are you really a genius,
entrepreneur, philanthropist?

I also fight crime.

- What do you say?
- You know how weird this is, right?

What is weird about wanting
to control every aspect of a relationship... using money as a weapon?

Okay, let me rephrase that.

- How does 5 grand a week sound?
- Sounds like you got a girlfriend.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Where's Jake?
- Oh, he's still sleeping...

...because in the Army,
he has to get up at 4.

In the military, that's 0400. Don't understand
why they need the "oh" or "hundred."

"What time is it?" "Four." Boom, done, next.

I don't understand
watches without the numbers on it.

- I mean, I never know what...
- Missi.

I love you dearly, but you gotta shut up.

Well, all I heard was, you love me dearly.

Oh, you're here.

And action.

You're adorable.

I brought you an iced coffee,
no sugar, soy milk.

That's exactly the way that I like it.
How'd you know?

You're my boyfriend.
It's my business to know.

- Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.
- Beer, wings, football.

Best girlfriend ever.

- I'll just go get changed.
- Why?

- This is a smelly shirt. I haven't showered.
- Stinky. Just the way I like it.

Oh, this is good.

Can I fart in the car?

- Hello?
- Sorry to disturb you, sir.

Is this the residence
of Private Jake Harper?

- Yes, it is. Is everything okay?
- No, sir. He's absent without leave.

- He's AWOL?
- Now we've both said it.

If he doesn't return to the base within 24
hours, he will be brought up on charges.

- Oh. That's not good.
- No, sir. It's bad.

Uh... Well, I... I haven't seen him.

But, you know, if I do,
I will get in touch right away.

- Immediately.
- Thank you, sir.

- Okay.
- Here's our contact information.

Good day, sir.

Jake. Ha, ha, ha.


Not now, Dad.

The military police were at the door
looking for you.

What'd you tell them?

- I told them you weren't here.
- Oh, thanks. See you at dinner.

- Are you kidding me, Jake? AWOL?
- Oh, come on, it's not that big a deal.

You could go to jail.

Really? That seems a little extreme.

All right, enough. Get your things,
I'll drive you to the base.

No, I'm staying here with Missi.

- This is not a discussion. Let's go.
- Dad, I'm not a kid anymore.

I'm 18 and I'm in the Army.

You're using the excuse that you're
in the Army to not go back to the Army?

- Hey. Why don't you let me go talk to him.
- Think you can bring him to his senses?

I'm good at getting people
to do what I want.

They call me the People Whisperer. Like
the Horse Whisperer except with people.

I don't whisper. Tried it with a horse.
He was looking at me like I was crazy.

Kind of like you're doing right now.
I'll go talk to Jake.

She cannot become my daughter-in-law.

Oh, good, you're going back.

Nope. You and me are getting out of here.

- Where are we going?
- Doesn't matter. I just wanna be with you.

Jake, I gotta go back home. I have a job.

Hey, if I can leave the Army,
you can leave your job.

Whoa, slow down.

Why? I love you and you love me, right?


Jake, you have to know
how much I really like you.

Oh, man.

But you're in good company
because I only really like great things.

You know, like ice cream sundaes
and jumping up and down on bubble wrap.

And that bear in the commercial
that wipes his butt on the tree.

Okay, I heard it that time.
I do gotta shut up.

- I brought you another beer.
- Ugh. Come on, I don't know if I should.

Oh, come on, drunk guys are hot.

Yeah, I gotta tell you, Whitney,
I am having the best time with you.

Good. Because I think you're wonderful.


- Do you really mean that?
- Of course I do.

You're smart, you're funny.
Not to mention, very handsome.

Ah, too late. You mentioned it. Ha, ha, ha.

No, but seriously, I am so glad I met you.

Thanks. Me too.

See, here's the thing.

- I really mean it.
- So do I.

Okay, I don't know if you're saying that
because I'm paying you...

...or if you really believe it.

How does it feel to you?

It feels like you mean it.

Then that's all that matters.

What? No, it's not.

See, I wanna know if it's for "real" real...

...or if it's "best performance
by a girlfriend hired in a library" real.

Because on my end, it is real.

Me too.

Okay, if I wasn't paying you,
would you still feel that?

It wouldn't matter
if you were paying me or not.

- But I am paying you.
- Which doesn't change the way I feel.

Okay, let's try this another way.

I want you to feel that it's really real...

...for "real" real.

And that is exactly how I feel.

Son of a bitch.



- You okay?
- What do you care?

Come on, Jake, you know I care.

- I feel so stupid.
- No.

You're not stupid.

You wanna hear stupid?

One time I drank an entire Slurpee
in one slurp...

...had a three-hour brain freeze
and my pee looked like Windex.

- What the hell are you talking about?
- Don't know, I'm not real good with silence.

Just promise me
you'll go back to the Army.

Yeah, I'm going back.


Hey. We did have some fun,
though, right?

Yeah, we did.

Well, just remember that part.

Goodbye, Jake.

Where am I gonna find
another girl named Missi?



- Where's your new girlfriend?
- She's off for the day.

Where's your boyfriend?

We kind of broke up.

How come?

You know, I just thought I was coming here
for a fun weekend, no strings attached.

But then Jake told me that he loved me
and I just couldn't say it back.

- Ouch.
- I wasn't trying to hurt him. It's just...

...he's not my soul mate.

Well, I hate to break it to you,
but there is no such thing.

That's not true.
Everybody has a soul mate.

When you find yours, it's like that feeling
after the first big snowfall of the year.

You race outside to go sledding and you go
to the top of the steepest hill you find.

Your heart starts racing, you get sweaty
even though all your boogers are frozen.

Next thing you know,
you are zipping down Montague Street...

...laughing and crying all at the same time
and you never want it to end.

And that's what real love should feel like.

Nobody should settle for anything less.

- Remember when I told you to shut up?
- I'm sorry.

- I know.
- No.

Don't ever listen to me again.

Because that was awesome.

Where you going?

I'm gonna go see if my girlfriend wants
to really be my girlfriend.

And the People Whisperer strikes again.

And we're flying down the hill.

And you're all sweaty and there are,
like, boogers frozen everywhere.

And the point is,
is I wanna share that feeling with you.

For real.

I'm gay.

- What?
- I like women.

For real?

For real.


You're a really good actor.

Thank you.

- Do you wanna go to a movie tomorrow?
- Sure, yeah, that sounds great.

- I love you.
- Love you too, honey.

- You all right, buddy?
- I'm fine.

- It's okay to be upset.
- I'm not upset.

If you were, I would understand.

I mean, you give yourself to somebody,
you finally let down all your walls...

...and then they break your heart.


I'm really sorry
you have to go through this.

I mean, it just...
It kills me to see you in pain.

I mean, I know you're a soldier now...

...but you're still my little baby boy.

I remember bringing you home
from the hospital...

...wrapped in your fuzzy, blue blanket.

I love you so much.

I just... I just wish I hurt instead of you.

Dad, it's okay.

No, no, it's not okay.

- Maybe I should drive.
- Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.

Thank you.

All I'm saying is you can't give up.

- Your soul mate's out there.
- Yeah, I don't know, Missi.

Gotta keep your eyes and your heart open.
Never know where you're gonna find her.

Could be anywhere. Might even be
at a Costco passing out egg rolls... you can sample the sauce.
Little tip, avoid the Chinese mustard.

Feels good going in,
not so good coming out.

Well, let's just hope I find her
before I get old.

Ooh, then you better hurry up, Grandpa.

Hey, let's make a deal.

Next time you're in town,
assuming you haven't found anyone...

...and I haven't found anyone,
what do you say that you and I...


I was gonna say,
"Help each other find someone."