Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 8 - Something My Gynecologist Said - full transcript

Alan loses Lyndsey over his refusal to make a long-term commitment, while Walden becomes a "boy toy" for a rich older woman who has no idea that he's a billionaire.

I feel like I spent

the last half hour
yodeling in a cave.

I'm sorry.
It wasn't you.

No, it was, it was
like licking a lollipop

that never gets
any smaller.

I mean, you enjoy it,

but after a while you
start to crave the stick.

Did I at least make
you crave the stick?

You did great.
I'm just...

a little distracted.

Is everything okay?

Not really.
We need to talk.

Come on. I got lockjaw
and you want to talk?

I want to know where we're
going with this relationship.

Do we have
any kind of future?

Of course we do.
Things are good.

Things are great.
Why rock the boat?

I mean, I know the little
man inside your boat

could use some rocking.

I'm talking about making

a long-term commitment
to each other.

You mean like marriage?

Would that be so awful?

Ask my ex-wife.

Her statement in court read
like a Stephen King novel.

Where is this coming
from all of a sudden?

It was something
my gynecologist said.

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.

He said, "Everything looks
great down here.

Would you like to
have dinner sometime?"

Wow. Wow. That is
wildly inappropriate.

- I mean, as a doctor myself...
- You're a chiropractor.

I am a healer.

There's a code!

I mean, you don't
ask someone out

when they're buck naked with
their feet in the stirrups.

Unless you're drunk
at a rodeo.

Well, he did.

Do you want to go
out with him?

It's not about
going out with him.

But if you and I
don't have a future,

I need to examine
my options.

The way you got examined
by Dr. Busyfingers?

Look, I don't want
to grow old alone.

So, if you're not ready to make
this kind of commitment,

better to know now.

Geez, Lyndsey, you
kinda sprung this on me.

I mean, I don't have to give you
an answer just this second, do I?

No, no, of course not.
Just think about it.


Good night.

Good night.

And just for the record,

he gets paid to
go down there.

I do it for the
love of the game.

♪ Two and a Half Men 10x08 ♪
Something My Gynecologist Said
Original Air Date on November 15, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth


Oh, hey, can I borrow your car?

I need to take my bike into the
shop, and it won't fit in mine.

Sure. No problem.


I assume it needs gas?

And oil.

And brake fluid.

And wiper blades.

So, uh, what are
you reading?

I'm trying to finish Ulysses.

Oh, that's a tough one.

How long have you
been reading it?

14 years.

I'm on page eight.


I'm still on the first
Tuesday with Morrie.

He dies in the end.

Thank you.

So, listen, I want to ask your
opinion about something.

Lyndsey has been pushing me
to make a commitment

'cause some other guy
asked her out.

- Who asked her out?
- Her gynecologist.

Well, at least he knows
what he's getting into.

Cute. I mean,
don't want to lose Lyndsey,

but I'm just not ready
to make a commitment.

Well, my advice is you better do
something soon,

or you're out
and the doctor's in.

And when I say,
"The doctor's in," I mean...

No, I got it, I got it.

All right, I got
to get out of here.

Oh, here you go.

Oh, uh, the driver's side door
doesn't work anymore,

so either get in
the passenger side

or climb in through the window.

Got it.

Oh, and whatever you do, when
you put the key in the ignition,

make sure you're
holding something rubber.

You know,
so you're grounded.

Does Lyndsey
have a nice car?

- Yeah.
- Marry her.

♪ You know I wish that I had
Jessie's girl ♪

♪ I wish that I had
Jessie's girl ♪

♪ Where can I find
a woman like that? ♪



Everything okay?

Oh, yeah.
I think it just overheated.

Can I give you a ride
to a gas station?

Gee, I don't know.
My mom always told me

never to get in a car
with a stranger.

I'm Shari McMartin.

Solves that problem.

Thank you.
I really appreciate it.

Oh, no problem.

So your old Volvo's
seen better days, huh?

Yeah, it's actually,
it's not mine.

I borrowed it from a friend
to get my bike fixed.

You ride a bike around town.

You must have
amazing stamina.

Well, it's not the only way
that I get around.

Hey, it's nothing
to be ashamed about.

With the price of gas
being what it is,

a bicycle is
very practical.

I'm-I'm not ashamed.

Trust me, there will come a day
when you won't have

to worry about having enough
money for gas.


I look forward to that day.

So what's your name?


That's a nice name.

What are you doing in
Los Angeles, Walden?

You trying to be an actor
or a model or something?

Right now I'm trying
to finish a book.

Oh. How long
have you been at it?

14 years.

Oh, a struggling writer.

Yes. Yes, I am.

Well, you are in luck. I happen to be
a big supporter of the arts.

Oh, really?
How fortuitous.

Ooh, "fortuitous."

You are a writer.

Listen, what do you say we
go grab a bite to eat,

get the car fixed later?

Sure. There's a really
great deli right up here.

Well, actually, I have
a better place in mind.

- Where's that?
- My house.

Oh. What's on the menu there?





Whatcha doing?

Nothing much.

How about we go out to a movie?

Sure, we could do that.

Great, great.
I will check some times.


Did you think about what we
discussed last night?

Oh, yes, oh, yes.

Thinking about it constantly.

Anything you want to talk about?

Not yet.

Still thinking.
You know...

uh, mulling.

All the pertinent "ings."



Stalling, avoiding, ducking.

Ooh! Procrastinating.

What? No.
That's-that's crazy.

I'm not doing any
of those things.

I mean, why would I do
those things?

So what movie would you
like to see?

I know what you're doing.

This is not gonna go away.

I just don't understand

why we can't keep things
the way they are.

You mean, living day-to-day,

never knowing what kind of
future you have with the person

you've been in a relationship
with the past three years?

I prefer to think of it
as cherishing each day,

nay each moment,
with the woman I love

because none of us knows
how much time we have left.

I mean, it could all disappear
in the blink of an eye.

You mean like this?


Well, it would appear
that a bicycle's

not the only thing
you can ride.

I'm also good with bulls
and merry-go-rounds.

So, did you enjoy
your lunch?

Oh, yeah.

I would definitely
eat here again.

Mm, mm.

Do you mind
taking a taxi home?

Uh, sure, no problem.

I'd drive you, I just
have some things to do.


So... then we're done here?

I am.


You know, uh,
we should do this again.

Oh, we will.
I'll let you know when.

All righty.

Oh, here.

What's this?

It's money for a taxi.

I don't need that.

Sweetie, don't be proud.
Take the money.

Okay, great.

Thank you.

Hey, hey!

Hey. Where've you been?

I got some good news
and I got some bad news for ya.

What's the bad news?

Your car overheated
and broke down.

Ah, I should have told you
not to turn on the radio.

So, uh, what's the good news?

This beautiful woman pulls up

in a Bentley and offers me help,

and then she takes me back
to her house

and bangs my brains out.

How is that good news for me?

Oh, sorry, I misspoke.

The bad news was for you,
the good news was for me.

Do you have any idea
how many times

I've been stranded by the side
of the road 'cause of that car?

The only person who's ever
stopped was a truck driver

with no pants
and drawn-on eyebrows.

She also gave me money
for a taxi.

- I hate you!
- I know, right?!

How was your day?

I'm pretty sure
Lyndsey and I broke up.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

I really liked Lyndsey.
I thought she was great.

Yeah, well, she is great,
but I'm not gonna be bullied

into spending the rest of my life
with somebody just 'cause they're great.

Who would? It's like being
forced to win the lotto.

Wait a minute.
If you took a cab home,

where's my car?


Here's a hundred bucks.
Buy a better car.

So, you ready
for round two?

Oh, right now?

Could we just talk a little while

the boys, you know,
restock the shelves?

Yeah, sure, let's talk.

Um, how are things
going with your book?

How's... with the what?

Your book.

The one you're
trying to finish?

Oh, my... the book.


It's good.

It's going good.

Writing words.

Making sentences.

What's it about?

Okay, um... yeah.
It's about this, uh...

guy named Alan.


He... and he lives
with his brother

in this, uh, fabulous
Malibu beach house.


And... the brother dies.

He falls in front
of a train in Paris.

Didn't see that coming.

Neither did he.

Anyway, this, uh, this
billionaire named Wal... ter...

comes along and
he buys the house,

and then, and Alan
continues to live there.

Wait. With a
complete stranger?


Are they gay?

No. No, no.

No, they're just...
they're just friends.

That's a bit far-fetched,
isn't it?

What? No.

That's totally plausible.

They have these...
adventures together.

It's funny.

It's a good thing
you're pretty.



Look at you.
Bought some new clothes, huh?


Somebody bought new clothes
for me.

Shari took her boy toy
shopping in Beverly Hills.

I felt like Julia Roberts
in Pretty Woman.

The only thing I got
from the truck driver

was a pack of cigarettes
and an eyebrow pencil.

Yeah, I gotta tell you,

it is nice to be taken
care of for a change. Well...

Look who I'm talkin' to.

All right, I'm gonna go
do some manscaping.

Mama like me smooth.

Oh, hey, buddy.

Hey, Dad.
Well, this is a nice surprise.

What's going on?

Well, I heard from Eldridge
that you and his mom broke up,

so I'm just checking in
to see how you're doing.

That is really sweet
of you, Jake,

to be concerned
about your old man.

Well, I love you, Dad.
I want you to be happy.

Thank you.

And, you know, you've always
been there for me.

Now I get to be here for you.

That's true.

- Speaking of which...
- How much?

A couple hundred bucks would
make it a Merry Christmas

for all the people I love.

All right, Jake,
I'll take care of it.

Oh, thank you, Dad.
Love you, bye.


Totally worked!
We're going to Tijuana!

Totally worked.
He thinks I'm sending him money.

Um. Excuse me.
Is this seat taken?


But if a lady comes along,

I'm gonna have
to ask you to vacate.

Right back atcha.

I'm not worried.

Sid Olsen.

Oh. Nice to meet you.

Uh, Alan Harper.

So, Alvin,
you play the ponies?

Uh, I'm not much
of a gambler.

I don't know, that shirt's
kind of a gamble.

So, uh...

what brings you
in here, Sid?

Besides dispensing
fashion advice?

I like to get out,
make the rounds,

you know, talk to
the young people.

But I'll talk to you
until one comes along.

Whether I like it or not.

Oh, I got some more
advice for you, Albert.

When you get to be my age,

always bring a big
plastic cup into the john.


You gotta lower the water level

or your nuts get wet.

Oh, excuse me,
darlin', darlin'.

Could we have some
more wings, please?

I'll have a
beer, please.

You know, it's
all-you-can-eat for $6.99.

It's also dollar beers.

Yeah, I don't drink beer.

It gives me the wind.

What's your problem,

I don't have a problem.

Oh, come on.

You're in a bar at
4:00 in the afternoon

talking to an 80-year-old man
about his balls.

You got a problem.


I-I guess, uh, I've been
having relationship issues.

Ah, I get it.

I'm having trouble
with my wife.

What's the matter?

She's dead.

Oh. Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.

Ah, so am I.

If she were still alive,

I wouldn't have to be
talking to you.

Now we both wish she was alive.


Our marriage was the best
30 years of my life.

My only complaint was
that she couldn't cook.

The woman could
screw up iced tea.

I mean, you know the recipe
for iced tea?

It's ice. Tea.


Well, I guess you have to take
the good with the bad.

You're smarter
than you look.

You got a good one,
you gotta hang onto her.

Yeah, but how do you know
you've got a good one?

Well, you don't always know.

Sometimes you just gotta
take the leap.

Ah, here we go.
Thank you.

Thank you very much.

These are for my cat.

I don't have a cat.

Well, it was great
talking to you, Archie.



Here's my card.

Oh. Thanks.

I'll call you if
I need a wingman.

Get it?


The-the chicken?

Leave the jokes to me, Chuckles.

Aw, geez. I forgot my wallet.

Don't worry.
I've got it.

Thank you.
Much appreciated.

Works every time.

- Alan?
- We need to talk.

Oh, really?
Now you want to talk.

I don't know, you just
kind of sprung this on me.

Okay, I deserved that.

But just listen, please.

Go ahead.

I've just come to
the realization that...

I don't want to end up alone
with my nuts in the toilet.


All I know is this.

I was scared because

every time I've made
a commitment to a woman,

it's blown up in my face.

But I'd rather be scared

than risk losing you.

I-I want to be with you forever.

That's all I ever
wanted to hear.

I-I love you, Lyndsey.

And as soon as I can
save enough money,

I'm gonna put a deposit down
on an engagement ring.

You don't have to buy me
some dumb ring.

That's all I ever
wanted to hear.


Is your mom here?

My mom?

Walden, what are you doing here?

Well, I just wanted
to surprise you.

Oh, that's very sweet.

Baby, go put these in water.


Honey, you really have to
call before you come over.

What's up with the kid
from Twilight?

Oh, uh, he works
at Foot Locker.

You know, he's like you,

he just has a little
more ambition.


You're kidding me.

Oh, no, don't take
that the wrong way.

I mean, you are very good
at what you can do.


I'm a billionaire.

I own my own company.

Oh. There's that imagination.

Hey, that's what you
should be writing about.

I'll call you, okay?

I own my own freakin' jet!

That's it.
I'm going to buy Foot Locker.

Thank you for inviting me over,

No problem.

You, too, Winston.

Any time, Sid.

Look, I don't want to tar
anybody else's roof,

but either one of you
tappin' the hot redhead?


Mind if I take
a swing at her?

Go right ahead.

Yeah, she might
swing back.

I like 'em feisty.

This may take a minute.

Is your friend pool
that shallow?

Hey, Red.
You like chicken wings?

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth