Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 21 - Another Night with Neil Diamond - full transcript

Just now Alan believed to get his life in order, Lyndsey dumps him for a hot catch. Commiserating and mainly concerned he'll be stuck with Alan constantly, Walden tries to help and keep an eye on him. Herb also has his reasons to spy on the new couple.

- Oh, hey. - Hey.
I thought you and Alan were going out to dinner.
We were, but then he discovered his coupon was only good for to-go orders.
- That guy's a piece of work. - He is.
Which is ironic because he never seems to go to work.
That's true.
But that being said, I do envy what you guys have.
You guys are like termites.
- Termites? - Yeah, they mate for life...
...and once they live in your house you can never get rid of them.
Just like Alan.
You all right?
Yeah. I have to do something with him tonight that's going to be really painful.
Okay, that's between two consenting adults.
I'm breaking up with him.
No. But you guys are great together.
You're so beautiful and smart and fun...
...and Alan is so lucky.
I don't want to hurt him.
Then do something else.
Disneyland, dancing, bowling, pretty much anything but break up with him.
- I have to. - But you and I are his world.
- And if you leave, I'll be his world. - I'm sorry.
No, I don't think you heard me. I'll be his world.
I feel so bad.
All right. Come here.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
And I pushed a baby out of my vagina.
I'm back!
Don't say anything.
Hey, Walden, you wanna join us?
No, thanks.
Hey, what do you say we all go bowling?
Doesn't that sound fun? Just bowling?
No, I think we're just gonna stay in tonight.
Oh, but I have a confession to make. I, uh, opened my fortune cookie in the car.
And listen to this: "Your life is about to take a turn for the better."
I think you may have got Lyndsey's cookie.
- Would you like another glass of wine? - Yes.
Oh, you know, I was thinking after dinner we could light a fire.
Don't worry, I've got all the wood we'll need.
Uh, you seem awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?
- I've just got a lot on my mind. - Hmm? What is it, sweetie?
Oh, boy. I don't know how to say this.
Well, a problem shared is a problem halved.
Kind of like that fried rice, although I noticed you didn't touch your half...
...despite the fact you had to order it though the white rice was free...
...and the coupon specifically said "no substitutions."
I think we should break up.
Excuse me.
Are you okay?
You owe me 22.50 for dinner.
Hey, Berta.
Just finishing up, then I'll get out of your way.
I think you should stay here.
All right. Let me take a quick shower first.
No. Lyndsey's downstairs breaking up with Alan.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, we knew this was coming.
First time I saw them together, I asked her to blink twice...
...if she was being held hostage.
He's gonna be devastated.
He's in love with her, they've been dating for years.
They were planning on getting married. Oh, my God, he's never gonna leave my house.
It's sweet that you actually thought he was going to.
Why do people have to break up?
Well, in my experience, either the magic wears off or the mushrooms.
I feel really bad for him. I mean, I always feel bad for him...
- ...but I feel really bad for him. - Yeah, yeah, it's tough.
We gonna do this thing or what?
I don't understand. Where is this coming from?
There's no spark anymore. All we do is sit around, watch TV... takeout from whatever restaurant you have a coupon for.
Did you want to go to the food court? Because we can do that.
- Alan, it's not that. - Then what is it?
I thought you were happy. I thought everything was great.
It was, but things change. People change.
That's not true. I don't change. I never change.
- Maybe that's part of the problem. - I can change.
I know this is upsetting, but better do this now before it gets worse.
How can it be worse?
You gonna tell me you've been faking it all these years? Don't answer that.
Alan, I have to go.
Fine, go. Don't go.
I'm really sorry.
The thing is I still love you, Alan.
I'm just not in love with you anymore.
It's not a deal breaker.
- You okay? - I guess.
I suppose it's better that she broke up with me now than after we got married.
Then she would've gotten half of all my stuff.
- You know, I'm here for you. - I know that, and I appreciate it.
- But I'm good. - Good.
- Walden? - Yeah?
I'm not good.
I love her.
- I know you do. - I'll never find another one like her.
I know you won't.
I'm just saying I know how great she is.
You're gonna be fine. Just you have to focus on the good things in your life.
Lyndsey was the only good thing in my life.
Okay. Let it all out.
That's a lot out. Let's put some back in.
Now you're all I have.
I know.
Good morning. Beautiful day.
To stick your head in an oven?
Okay, I realize I was a little upset last night.
A little? You Googled "how to kill yourself without it hurting."
Drama queen.
But I woke up this morning and I realized...
...what am I so upset about? Lyndsey and I are not breaking up.
Okay. So when she said that she didn't wanna see you anymore...
...and she didn't think you made a good couple and she wasn't in love with you...
- ...what do you call that? - Foreplay.
Okay. Looks like someone's starting their day with a hot, steaming cup of denial.
No, this is a little dance we do all the time.
She decides I did something wrong and gives me the business...
...and then I apologize and I give her the business.
Okay, see, that right there. That's why she broke up with you.
I'm telling you, we are not broken up.
Okay. I see what you're doing here...
...but pretending like what happened didn't happen...
...won't make it not happen, no matter what you would like to have had happen.
Yeah, that's right.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
But if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get my girl back.
Okay. Just in case, I'll preheat the oven.
Alan. What are you doing here?
What am I doing here? That's what I love about you.
Okay, let's do this. I'm sorry.
There's nothing to be sorry about. Our relationship just isn't going anywhere.
All right, message received, loud and clear. Now let's get down to business.
Alan, it's over.
- But why? - It just is.
Is it because we don't like the same things? Because I can learn to love sports.
- It has nothing- - Is it because I'm frugal?
Okay. Watch this. I'm gonna rip a 20- A 5-dollar bill in half. Okay.
Tell me that's not sexy.
Okay, look, I didn't wanna have to say this...
...but the fact of the matter is...
...I've met someone else.
Oh, wow. Wow.
Uh, world spinning, gut tightening, vomit rising.
- I'm really sorry. - Who is he?
- What's the difference? - I need to know who my competition is.
I need to know how I can win.
You can't win. Goodbye, Alan.
Well, I have got news for you. The word "win" is not in my vocabulary.
"Can't. " The word "can't" is not in my vocabulary.
Damn it.
Ow! Son of a bitch.
Of course, dog crap.
Hey. There's soup on the stove if you want some.
I wonder if Lyndsey's new boyfriend likes soup.
He probably loves soup and wears cable-knit sweaters.
"Look at me, I'm eating soup and wearing a sweater...
...while I bang the memory of Alan Harper out of this woman's mind."
- Let it go. - You brought it up.
I brought up soup.
I can't stop thinking about him. And her.
And what they're doing. And what position they're doing it in.
And where they're doing it.
In the bed, in the shower, at the Costco between the meat and the tires.
That was our place.
That shouldn't be anyone's place.
- You're obsessing. - No, I'm not.
Right. We all picture our exes screwing between a rump roast and a snow tire.
You know, I'm gonna go for a drive.
- Where? - Just out. You know, joy ride.
I've seen your car. There's no joy in that ride.
Now, where are you going?
I'm gonna drive up the coast a little bit, take in the sea air.
How? Your windows don't roll down.
Just the ones in front. The ones in back don't roll up. Goodbye.
I should buy him a new car.
So he can live in it.
All right, where are they?
They're probably watching sports right now.
"Hey, Lyndsey, heh... don't mind if I watch this baseball game in the nude, do you?"
You can kiss me between the strikes and I'll kiss you between the balls."
Hey, Walden.
Yeah, I'm just, you know, taking a drive down the Malibu coast, trying to clear my head.
Yeah, now I'm walking on the beach. The sand feels nice on my toesies.
Walking on the beach, huh?
- Are you stalking me? - Are you stalking Lyndsey?
I asked you first.
Pathetic. Sitting outside a woman's house...
...trying to catch a glimpse of her through the window. What kind of person does that?
Hey, guys. What are we doing? Playing a little peek-a-boo with Lyndsey?
- No. - Yes.
Lyndsey broke up with Alan and he's having a hard time understanding.
Well, one look at the new guy and you'd understand it.
- Wait, you've seen him? - Oh, yeah, Nick's gorgeous.
- He kind of looks like Walden. - Aw, thank you.
You know his name. So you've met him?
No, but I've heard her yell it.
It's either, uh, "Nick" or "Oh, God, right there."
That's it. I've gotta see this Nick guy for myself.
No. Alan, don't.
- You're better than this. We both know that's not true.
- I feel for him. It's gotta be tough. - Yeah, no doubt.
You really are a very handsome man.
Again, thank you.
It's not hard to imagine you naked and cast in marble.
- Getting weird, Herb. - Right.
All right.
Where are you, you home-wrecker? Oh!
That's better.
Can this get any worse?
Oh, God, Nick, right there!
- Lyndsey, hey. - Hey, I need your help.
You need my help getting back together with Alan?
I need you to tell him to stop calling, e- mailing and texting me.
Words and pictures. Especially the pictures.
- He's just upset, but he means well. - Really?
- Does this picture look like he means well? - Oh, dear God.
Is he lying on my kitchen table?
- So will you talk to him? - Sure.
- Right after I burn my kitchen table. - Thank you.
By the way, you might wanna burn your bathtub too.
He's coming now, gotta go.
Hey. There he is.
Looking good.
'Ha, ha."
- Where you going? - Lyndsey un-friended me on Facebook... I'm gonna go re-friend her with my face.
- No, you're not. - You can't stop me.
Damn you.
- Hey, Zip. - What do you want?
A motorcycle and another night with Neil Diamond.
- But, for now, we need to talk. - I just wanna be left alone.
Like I'm gonna be for the rest of my life.
Look, Lyndsey's crazy for breaking up with you.
- You are a great guy. - You're just saying that.
I know I'm rough on you, but that's just for fun.
I really mean this.
- Thank you. - All right, good talk.
- How? - What?
How am I a great guy?
Well, you're punctual.
- I do make it a priority to be on time. - Yep.
What else?
Okay, you have pretty good toilet aim.
And that's important to a housekeeper.
My secret is I sit down.
And that should've stayed a secret. Take care.
- Berta? - What?
If I'm such a great guy, then why did Lyndsey leave me?
There's no telling with chicks.
But don't worry, you'll find somebody else.
As good as Lyndsey?
Look at you, already making jokes.
- How'd it go? - He's gonna die alone.
And he pees sitting down.
I really don't wanna be here, Walden.
What are you talking about? You're doing great.
You shaved, you showered... realized wearing Lyndsey's underwear wasn't a long-term solution.
I may have it together on the outside, but on the inside I'm still a wreck.
I just wanna go home and eat ice cream on the toilet until I fall asleep.
Will you listen to yourself? Trust me, tonight is gonna be fun.
Okay, but if it's not, you're gonna have to watch The Notebook with me.
Really? Again?
- Walden? - Oh, hey, Allie, hi.
This is my friend Alan I was telling you about.
- Hi, Alan. - Hello.
You two have a lot in common.
You know your girlfriend's boyfriend, Nick?
- Yeah. - I'm his soon-to-be ex-wife.
I'll just let you two talk.
Oh. oh.
I can see what Walden's trying to do here.
He means well, but I don't know that I'm emotionally ready to jump back in-
- How do you feel about revenge sex? - Big fan. I'll get the check.
Well, well, well, look who's doing the walk of shame.
More like the stride of pride.
Guess who heard "Oh, God, right there" multiple times last night?
Not Nick.
- Congratulations. I'm very happy for you. - I have you to thank.
I didn't do anything.
Tracking Allie down couldn't have been easy.
It wasn't that hard.
When we were outside Lyndsey's house, she was parked behind us.
Ironic, because last night I was parked behind-
All right, got it. I got it.
I'm happy you're feeling better.
Oh, yeah. Let me tell you, revenge sex is way better than revenge masturbation.
Of course, there's no reason you can't do both.
Oh, God, why am I eating on this table?