Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 14 - Run, Steven Staven! Run! - full transcript

Sorry I'm late.

I've been waiting here for over an hour.
I had to pee in that bush.

I shudder to think
what you used to wipe.

Did you knock to see
if Walden and Berta were home?

Yeah, they invited me in...

...but I decided I'd rather pee on my feet
while an azalea tickled my crack.

Actually, it's an oleander.

Probably not the salient
part of your story.

None of this would have happened
if I had a key.

Oh, come on, we've been over this.

I feel like I'm overstepping my boundaries
with Walden...



...by asking if my girlfriend can have a key.
- I feel like an unwelcome guest in this house.

- I'm an unwelcome guest in this house.
- I don't think you're taking me seriously.

Isn't it enough that
you have the key to my heart?

Oh, bite me.

Okay. I get it. You're upset and
you have every right to be.

Why don't we just take a deep breath,
maybe open a bottle of wine, take a bath...

...light some candles?

Do you believe
I'm gonna have sex with you tonight?

I can't believe you ever have sex with me.

But you're here now, you look lovely,
you have an empty bladder. Why not?

You know what? Keep the key.

Oh. Lyndsey, come on.
Don't be like this.

What, you're just gonna mark
your territory and leave?

- Son of a bitch.
- Bet you wish you gave me that key now.



You're gonna keep doing that
until I ask you what's wrong, aren't you?

What's wrong?

Kate updated her Facebook status.

Still no mention of me.

Let it go.

She's eating a bagel.

- We used to eat bagels.
- Here.

Now you're eating bagels together.

I miss her.

Oh, boohoo.
I miss waking up next to Burt Reynolds.

What? It happened.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Where's Lyndsey?
I thought she was spending the night.

Me too, but then she decided I suck.

Why?

- Did it take her so
long to figure that out?

I don't know what happened.
It just came out of nowhere.

It always does.

You know who knew relationships?

- Your brother.
- Heh. Oh, please.

His lasted an hour at a time.

An hour and a half if he was drunk.

Exactly.
He treated women like rental cars.

You pay for them when you need them...

...and it's someone else's job to empty out
the trunk and hose them down.

Well, I'm not paying for sex.

And he can't afford to.

I don't need a hooker, I have Lyndsey.

You should lead with that
when you apologize to her.

We'll be fine. This whole thing will blow
over and be gone by tomorrow morning.

So would the hooker.

Hey.

Well, well, well. Look who finally decided
to grace us with his presence.

I needed some time.

Kate and I split up.

Wait a second, another woman left you?

She moved to New York.

Now it's... They're crossing state lines
to get away from you now.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a loser, I'm alone...

...and meanwhile, you're having wild,
crazy sex with my ex-wife...

...like I could never imagine.

Oh, you don't have to imagine it,
let me paint you a word picture.

Uh, the candles were flickering,
the music was playing...

...and she rode me
like I was a giant pink pogo stick.

You're not a giant anything.

Heh. That's funny.
You know what else is funny?

You're alone. Ha-ha-ha.

Okay, I get it.

It's a joke. Women always leave me.
I get it.

Well, you know what? It still hurts.
Not that I expect you to understand...

...how it feels to have your heart broken
by someone you love.

Because that would actually require you
having a heart.

- Do you even know how it feels...?
- She dumped me.

What?

Bridget left me.

Are you serious?

She said I was inconsiderate,
condescending...

...and that I looked
like a lesbian art teacher.

I don't know what to say.

Other than you do look
like a lesbian art teacher.

I'm glad that my pain can make you happy.

Oh, you have no idea.

Let me paint you a word picture.

Flowers are blooming, birds are singing,
angels are farting rainbows.

That's not funny. All right?
My life is falling apart.

Come on,
I'm just giving you a hard time.

I'm sorry. It's gonna be okay.

- No, it's not. I loved her.
- I know. I did too.

Then I realized she's the broken one.

- You think so?
- Of course.

She dumped me to be with you. I mean:

- Hey...
- Shh. It gets better.

Here you go.

We got chicken-and-stars soup and grilled-cheese
sandwich with the crusts cut off.

I got dumped by my girlfriend,
not pushed off the monkey bars at recess.

And that's why I put whiskey
in your sippy cup.

Ooh.

- What's going on?
- Oh, Billy got dumped by Bridget.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Me and my girlfriend are going through
a rough patch ourselves.

So she sewed you up in your sheets
while you were sleeping...

...and started beating
you with a broom?

- Uh, no.
- Then it's not a rough patch.

What is it that makes relationships
so difficult?

Women.

Exactly. When's the last time
you were dating someone...

...and you decided to ask,
"Where is this relationship going?"

Or, "Are you mad at me?"

Or, "What's all this glittery sparkly stuff
on your pants?"

Guys ask questions that you can answer,
like, "How are we fixed for ham?"

"Why is my beer empty?"

Heh, heh. God, I hate it when
Lyndsey asks me that. Heh.

Oh, I'm sorry. Wait, were we
doing guys' or girls' questions?

On the other hand, there's no better feeling
than when you're in a loving relationship.

The sweet release of black tar heroin
is a close second.

The good news is neither one of you guys
is gonna be single for long.

- You've got looks and money.
- Thank you, Alan.

And you've got... money.

- That's true.
- What about you? You got...

Most of your hair. Both eyes.

Yeah, yeah, I mean... No...
You've got, uh...

- You've got...
- To go apologize to my girlfriend?

- Yep.
- Exactly.

By the way, how are we fixed for ham?

Alan.

Wow. Oh, um...

- Hey, Lyndsey.
- What are you doing here?

Well, I've left you a few messages.
I don't know if you got them.

I did.

Oh, okay. Well...

You look nice.

Did someone die?

- I'm going out.
- Oh, girls' night out?

- No.
- Oh.

Did someone die?

I have a date with Dr. Staven.

Wait, Dr. Staven, your gynecologist?

That's right.

Is this about the other night?
Because I said I was sorry.

Look, if it'll make you feel better, you
can lock me out and I'll pee in your bush.

Okay, that came out much worse
than I meant it.

Okay, I have to get going.

Are you mad at me?

No. We just have different ideas
of what a relationship should be.

Let's just sit down and talk about it.

Nothing to talk about.

Oh, yeah, right. Like a woman is ever done...
She's mad at me.

They're hot when they're angry,
aren't they?

Oh, Herb.

- Jeez, you scared me.
- Little trouble in paradise?

Oh, yeah, you know, relationships.

Wanna come across the street
for a beer and talk about it?

Oh, sure, thanks.

So, what are you doing over here, anyway?

Oh. Just seeing if Lyndsey's coming out
for her 6:15 jog.

- Oh, you jog with her?
- Nope.

Ah, you know, I don't think Judith's
gonna be too happy to see me.

Oh. Don't worry. She's gone.

Okay, when you say "gone,"
do you mean she's traveling?

Or is her head in that cooler?

She left me, Alan.

Oh, my God, what happened?

I had a moment of weakness
with my receptionist.

Actually,
36 and a half moments of weakness.

- A half?
- Judith walked in during 37.

Herb, how could you?

This is my receptionist.

I would have finished 37
while she was watching.

Thanks for inviting me over.
I really appreciate it.

Ah, come on,
you'd do the same thing for me.

We both know that's not true,
but it's sweet of you to say.

Besides, breakups are like a bruise...

...and I wanna be there when yours turns
from dark purple to yellow.

That is the meanest thing you've ever said.

Kudos.

Who's your dream schtupp?

- What?
- Any woman in the world, one night.

- Who's it gonna be?
- Oh, that's easy.

Kate.

See, right there,
that's why I wouldn't have you over.

Who picks their ex-girlfriend?

I mean, I'm talking any woman in the world.

- Okay. Dead or alive?
- Doesn't matter.

- Do I have to know her?
- Nope.

What if she doesn't like me?

For the love of God.
In the game, she has to like you.

Okay.

- Can she be animated?
- Like a cartoon?

You wanna be chomped by Ms. Pac-Man?

No, but I always had these weird feelings
when I used to see Bugs Bunny in drag.

Fine, she can be animated.

- Her place or mine?
- Who cares?

I do. It's hard for me to relax
in strange surroundings.

- You know what? Just forget it.
- But I didn't pick a girl.

Shut up. You ruin everything.

Mother Teresa.

What?

That woman gave her whole life
for the benefit of mankind.

One man should give her
a little something back.

Hey, guys.

- Oh, hey. Hey.
- Hi.

Oh, Alan's girlfriend is taller
than I would have thought.

Herb, you remember Walden.
This is Billy.

Oh. Hello, Billy.

Alan tells me you got dumped
by Walden's ex-wife.

I got dumped by Alan's ex-wife.

I guess that makes us dump brothers.

That's... Who is this guy?

You don't recognize
your own dump brother?

Herb is the most recent victim
of Judith's unrelenting assault on mankind.

Oh. Sounds like just the kind of horrible
ball-breaker I always end up with.

She available?

Not emotionally.

- She's only physically available twice a year.
- Twice?

Birthdays and Valentine's Day.

Oh, that explains it.
My birthday's on Valentine's Day.

- I thought you were going to see Lyndsey.
- I did.

Right as she was going out on a date.

- Gut-punch.
- Yikes.

- With her gynecologist.
- Shut up.

- What?
- That man is a trained vagina handler.

You do not want him down there.

- He's already been down there.
- Yeah, on business.

You don't want him to return
on a pleasure cruise.

He could take apart and reassemble her
undercarriage blindfolded.

You're more like a guy trying to put
a bookshelf together from IKEA.

- You know what? I don't care. I don't need her.
- That's a good attitude.

Mm-hm.
- Exactly. Who needs women, huh?

- Not me.
- Me neither.

Know what we should do?

- Go to a bar, pick up women?
- Yep.

All right, this is not gonna be that hard.

Look at us, we got a doctor,
a billionaire, another billionaire.

Billionaire's permanent houseguest.

Ooh, he said I'm permanent.

- Check out the talent at 3 o'clock.
- Oh. Oh, oh.

Hotsy-totsy.

- I got dibs on the blond.
- Who's taking the manly one?

- What manly one?
- Herb's got the one with the Adam's apple.

Okay, what are we gonna do here, guys?
What's the plan?

I mean, teams of two,
every man for himself, shock and awe?

Or we can just send in the tall,
handsome guy with the big johnson.

- I'll see what I can do.
- Not you.

Pretty boy here.

Well, I am more than just a pretty face.

Come on, man, you could be
like the great white shark...

...and we'll be the plucky little pilot fish who
swim alongside you and feed off your scraps.

Why do I have to be cursed
with all of this?

Back off. I will seal the deal.

I've seen this movie before.
You're gonna enjoy it.

Ahem. Hi, hi. Hate to interrupt,
so I'm just gonna cut right to the chase.

I'm neither tall nor handsome,
but I'm incredibly rich.

So which of you would like
the honor of sleeping with me...

...for $5000?

I apologize. Ten thousand?

Gentlemen, the bar has been lowered.

This was a great idea, Herb.

We shouldn't call him Herb,
we should call him "Herb."

Well, as a doctor, I have access
to some pretty righteous chronic.

- You're a pediatrician.
- I prescribe it to the parents.

This would be better
if there were four hot women in here.

Yeah, and none of you.

Please, the only way you could satisfy
four women is if they were cannibals.

Oh, heh.

Yeah, look. I will have you know I have
no trouble satisfying multiple women.

In fact, that's kind of the reason I ended
up in this big bowl of sausage soup.

What do you mean?

Bridget and I would enjoy
the occasional threesome.

And by "occasional," I mean every
Friday, Saturday and Sunday night.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Bridget, like my Bridget?
- Yep.

She was a weekend warrior.

Wow.

Closest we ever came to a threesome
was one time we dog-sat...

...and left the bedroom door open.

Me and that beagle made eye contact
at the most inopportune moment.

Well, hey, hey, hey.
One word of advice:

Do not look up from the lap of a girl
you just picked up at Safeway...

...and say to your girlfriend,
"My God, I never want this to end."

Eh, threesomes never work out.

Somebody always feels left out.

That's why my receptionist and I
got another couple and swing.

Ooh. String bean's a freak. I like it.

If you and Bridget ever get back together,
maybe she'd like to become a Herbivore.

I will keep that in mind.

Okay, so I lied to the woman I love
about who I am.

Herb cheated on his wife.

Billy spent too much time
yodeling in the wrong canyon.

- Why did you and Lyndsey break up?
- She wanted a key to the house.

And?

And I said no.

Why?

Well, it's not mine to give.
It's your house.

Since when does that matter to you?

Since I don't want my girlfriend to have
unrestricted access to my house.

And we're back to your house.

I like my space.
I wanna keep my options open.

Options?

You have "op-shun."

"Shun." As in all other girls shun you.

Look, Alan, don't be a schmuck.

If you're gonna throw away
your relationship, do it for a good reason.

Like spending too much time
face down on the checkout girl.

Or fooling around with your hot,
young receptionist...

...who lets you wear a diaper
while riding her around the office.

Is one example.

Nobody's gonna think about that
next time we see you.

My point is, you're the only one of us
who has a chance to get his girl back.

What about not needing women?

We only said that
because we don't have women.

- Really?
- Of course. Lyndsey is awesome.

She really is. She's got the face of an angel,
buttocks you can bounce a quarter off...

...and a bosom that just makes you wish
she was your mother.

What? I'm saying she's awesome.

Just give her the key, Alan.
Give her anything she wants.

- It's a little late. She's out with another guy.
- No, it's not too late.

Go get her. Do it for yourself. Do it for
all of us who can't get our girl back.

- Yeah.
- Go get her.

Okay. You're right. I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it for all of us.

Oh.

I cannot believe he is our only hope.

Ah.

I don't know what the problem is.

This is delightful.

- Oh! Oh, boy.
- Alan?

Oh, Lyndsey. Lyndsey, hi. Hi.
I just need two minutes.

- Were you peeing in my bushes?
- What? No. No.

Hi, I'm Alan Harper.

No, thanks.

Alan, this is not a good time.

- Just hear me out.
- She said this wasn't a good time.

- Get him!
- Whoa, whoa.

- Walden? Herb? What are you doing?
- You'll thank us later.

- Put me down. Who are you?
- You look lovely, Lyndsey!

- What the hell is going on?
- I swear, I had nothing to do with this.

- Why did they take my date away?
- Don't worry, they're trying to help.

Help with what?

Okay, I know this seems crazy, but I've
been doing a lot of thinking, and here.

- What's this?
- A key to the house.

I want you to have it.

- Really?
- Yes. Yes, you're my girlfriend.

Mi casa es su casa.

Actually,
mi casa es Walden's casa es su casa.

I think I went to high school
with a Sue Casa.

Which is ironic
because she ended up homeless.

Sorry.
Anyway, the point is, the key is yours.

- What made you change your mind?
- I love you, Lyndsey.

What really made you change your mind?

All right, here we go.

The fact that while you could certainly
do better, there's no way I ever could.

Alan, that is so sweet.

And so true.

So I know Herb and Walden,
but who's the lesbian in the bathrobe?

Sorry about kidnapping you.

Aw, don't worry about it. It was never
gonna work with Lyndsey and me.

Outside of her vagina,
we have nothing in common.

Doctor to doctor,
can I ask you a medical question?

Is it beautiful?

Herb. Sorry about that, Dr. Staven.

Oh, please, call me Steven.

Steven Staven?

It's made me a stronger person.

You wear that robe
better than Judith ever did.

- Really? I feel boxy.
- No.

What was that?

Uh-oh.

- Oh, crap.
- Run, Steven Staven! Run!

- Oh. Wait!
- Herb's down.

Leave him!

Oh, dear God! Help me!

Tell Lyndsey I love her!