Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 15 - Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It - full transcript

Alan is alarmed when discovers that Jake's new girlfriend is almost twice his age, has three children, and owns a tattoo parlor.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Dad.

Long time no talk.

I was starting to think
maybe you weren't

a part of this family anymore.

What? I'm not that easy
to get rid of.

Just been really busy lately,
you know,

spending a lot of time
with my girlfriend.

Oh, please, tell me it's not
the 35-year-old single mother

with the two kids.

No, Tammy's 36,
and she has three kids.

Jake, she's almost
twice your age.

No, she's not; I'm 19.

Geez, do the math.

How well do you even know
this woman?

Enough to know that I love her.

Jake, slow down.
I'm just not sure

that you know
what you're getting into.

You always do this.

You think every decision I make
is wrong.

You're wrong about that.

You've already made up your mind
about Tammy,

and you don't even know her.

Let me ask you this question.

If you've never tasted
a strawberry ice cream cone

in your life, how do you know
what it tastes like?


My point is,
you've never licked Tammy.

I don't know
how to respond to that.

Yeah, you don't.

She's delicious.

Fine, why don't you bring her
up here so I can meet her.

Okay, I will.

I've got leave next weekend.

You know where I live.

Yeah, someone else's house.

He's a dull blade,
but he cuts deep.

♪ Two and a Half Men 10x15 ♪
Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
Original Air Date on February 7, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth

Well, I've got Jake's room
all ready for this weekend.

You know, just
out of curiosity,

when are we going to stop
calling it "Jake's room"?

'Cause I'd really like it to be
referred to as

"Walden's gym"
or "Walden's home theater,"

or "Walden's room to do whatever
the hell he wants with it."

Look, I don't mean
to split hairs,

but a room can't really be both
a gym and a home theater.

That's why
I also need "Alan's room."



Will you stop
futzing with my desk?!

I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, I'm just...

I'm nervous about meeting
Jake's girlfriend.

I mean,
he's obsessed with this woman.

It's like he's been brainwashed
by some cult.

What guy hasn't?

I'm sorry, you said "cult."

You're enjoying this,
aren't you?

Yep, I got to get something
out of you living here.

You don't pay rent.

Listen, I think you're getting
all worked up over nothing.

Nothing? She's 36 years old.

So? I'm 34.

Yeah, and I don't want you
dating my son, either.


That's probably them.

It can't be.

Jake wouldn't ring the bell.

Um, h-hello?

Hey, Dad.

Uh, this is my girlfriend,

Uh, Tammy, this is my dad, Alan.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

Come in.


Yeah, it would take
the jaws of life

to get me out of this house.

Look, you already have
something in common.

I'm, uh, Walden Schmidt.

Good God,
you're prettier than I am.

That's quite the grip.

Yeah. I milked cows
when I was a kid.

Then I discovered boys.

I'm just kidding.

Not really.

This really is an
amazing house though.

Thank you.

Be much nicer with
a home theater.

But, uh, I've been
very fortunate.

Yeah, so I've heard.

Jake tells me
you're stupid rich.

He tells me
you're very resourceful.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Please, make yourselves
at home. Have a seat.

Is there anything I can
get you to eat or drink?

Oh, I'd love a drink,

but it would set off
my ankle bracelet.

Not really.

I got that sucker
off a week ago.

You hear that, Walden?

She just got
her ankle bracelet off.

I don't see how this
could get any better.

Oh, oh, oh!

It just got better!

Well... look at you.

Uh, now,
where would a skull be going

that he would
even need a top hat?

Oh, he might be going
to visit Yosemite Sam.


Yeah, they're kind
of my business cards.

I own a tattoo parlor.

Oh, did you hear that, Walden?

She owns a tattoo parlor.

That sounds fun.

Yeah, it's called
Tammy's Tatties.

It makes guys
think of boobs.

Thank you.

Speaking of which,
in case you forget,

my name's
written right here.


What's the other
one called?

I like you.

I like you, too.

Everybody likes everybody.

So, so, so, how'd
you two meet?

Oh, Jake came
into my shop.

Tammy's Tatties.

Exactly. See, once
you get it in your head,

you can't get it out.

No, you cannot.

Yeah, a couple of us
guys from the base

went out drinking, and
they bet me 100 bucks

that I wouldn't get
this tattoo of two arms

coming out of my butt crack.
Like, you know,

Someone was trying to escape.

Oh, Jake, you didn't.

No, Tammy
wouldn't let me.

Damn right.
Thank you for that.

I took one look at his ass
and I thought,

I don't want to tattoo that,
I want to bite that.


Hey, what's going on?

Jake made pizza bagels.

I make them for Tammy's kids
all the time.

Is it breakfast? Is it lunch?

Is it pizza? Is it a bagel?

I'll tell you what it is,
it's delightful.

So, uh, how does
that work exactly?

Is, uh, Tammy's ex
in the picture?

He's in some.

And in some,
his head's been torn off.

But was I right or what?
Isn't Tammy awesome?

She seems great, but still,
you have to acknowledge

that this is
an unusual relationship.

I mean, she's old enough
to have you as her kid.

So what?
You are, too.

He's got a point.

Doesn't make any sense,
but it's a point.

I just want to be sure
you know what you're doing.

That's the beauty of it.

When I don't know
what I'm doing, she shows me.

Two-zero, Jake.

Face it, Dad,
I'm not a kid anymore.

Oh, baby,
you got a milk moustache.

You ready to go?


Where you
guys heading?

Oh, we're gonna do
a little shopping,

pick up some souvenirs
for my kids

and pick up a new nipple gun.

N-Nipple gun?

Yeah, for piercing.

You give me a body part,
I can paint it, pierce it or plug it.

I really like her.

Good, 'cause I want to pick
your brain, Mr. Moneybags.

Go ahead.

Well, I'm looking for
a stable investment

for my pension plan.

Do you think Google's
business model is sustainable

over a 20-year period?

Tell you what, while you're out,
I'll Google it.

You're funny.

Come on, babe.
All right.

See you, guys.

This makes no sense.

What are you
talking about?

She's beautiful,
she's cool, she's smart.

Exactly. What the hell's
she doing with Jake?

Besides doing him?

You're not helping.

I'm not trying to.


You ever get tired of this view?

I do not.

I've worked hard for it.

Good one.

Can I ask you a question?


What do you
hate about me the most?

No, I don't, I don't hate
anything about you.

Oh, please.

I've been in your shoes.

My 17-year-old daughter
brought home a 32-year-old guy,

and I chased that son of a bitch

right out of the house
with a gun.

Oh, my God.

Well, it was a nipple gun.

Which explains
why I needed a new one,

and also why I was wearing
an ankle bracelet.

The point is, I get
what people think about me.

And they're only looking
at the surface.

Well, there's a
lot to look at.

Look, here's all you need
to know about me.

I'm raising three kids
by myself,

I run a successful business,
and I own a three-bedroom house

that's not on wheels.

So, anybody who judges me
can kiss my ass

right on my tattoo
of Brad Paisley.

I-I'm not judging you.
I just,

I-I don't understand
why you're with Jake.

I'm with him
because I care about him.

I mean,
he's sweet and kind and funny.

And I don't when
the last time you had sex

with a 19-year-old boy was,
but it is a lot of fun.

Then eight minutes later,
it's a lot of fun again.

Um, I'll-I'll take
your word for it.

Alan, has anybody ever
looked at you

like you were the greatest thing
on the planet?

Do strippers count?

Then no.

Well, that's the way
Jake looks at me.

He thinks I can do no wrong,

and he worships the ground
I walk on.

Uh, to be fair, for a while,
he worshipped Twinkies.

Yeah, yeah, he still does.

But don't worry, I don't let him
have sugar past 9:00.


The bottom line is,
I think your son is terrific.

And I know what we have
isn't gonna last forever,

but it's what I want in my life
right now.

I'm really sorry
if you don't approve.

Well, you have
to understand,

Jake is still my...


I hear you.

It's exactly what I told
the judge

when he wanted to try
my oldest son as an adult.

They're always your babies.



You busy?

I'm thinking about
getting a tattoo.

How about this?

It's just a bunch
of ones and zeroes.

Yeah, it's my favorite
Gandhi quote in binary code.

"You can never
imprison my mind""

Why don't you just
get one that says,

"I'm a nerd,
don't sleep with me"?

Did you want

Yeah, I was wondering
if you know

why my dad's being
such a jerk.

Oh, dads worry.

That's their job.

I'm practically a dad,

and I don't act like that
toward my children.

That's because you
respect your elders.

Look, your dad just doesn't
want to see you get hurt.

How am I gonna get hurt?

Are you kidding me?

Have you never seen a movie or
heard a song or read a poem?

Uh, yes, yes and no.

Okay, listen, I think your
dad just needs a little time

to get used to the idea of
you and Tammy being together.

Yeah, well,
he'd better hurry,

'cause tomorrow we're gonna
go to Vegas and get married.

That should be
plenty of time.

Oh, you can't
be serious.

Are-are you really
getting married?

Yeah, I mean,
assuming Tammy says yes.

Oh, okay, you haven't
thought this through at all.

No, I totally have.

I've even started
on our vows, here.

"I can't wait to start
our life together,

"I like it when you dress
in leather.

"I'll love you
forever and a day,

You make me glad
I'm not gay."

And you said
you've never read poetry.

All right,
here, listen.

You're too young to get married.

You got married at my age.

Yeah, and look what happened.

I lost my wife
and half my money,

and the only thing I gained
was your father.

I'm not going to argue
about this with you.

Just don't say anything
to my dad, all right?

You can't do this to me.

I hate keeping secrets.

Don't worry, I'll tell him
when the time is right.

When, after you
get married?

That's a good idea.

No, you-you need
to tell him before.

That's not going
to happen,

and you're not going
to tell him either.

Okay, look, your dad
is my best friend,

and you're putting me in
a very difficult position.

Hey, Tammy put me
in a difficult position

the other night, too,
and it worked out great.


why don't you just
tell your father?

'Cause he'll just say it's a bad idea.

You know why?
'Cause it's a bad idea!

Jake, get back here!

Do not do this to me!

I just want a home theater.

Hey, dinner's
almost ready.

I'm gonna pass.

What? You can't.

Jake's making gnocchi.

He's into cooking things
he can't spell.

What's for dessert-- cake?


Come on, join us.

No, no,
it's-it's a family thing.

I don't want to...
get in the middle of it.

Oh, oh, there's nothing
to get in the middle of.

I, uh, I had a nice
conversation with Tammy,

and she knows this thing
with Jake isn't serious.

Does Jake know that?

Well, I assume he does.

Why, did he say
something to you?

Did... he say something?

Why would he say
something to me? I...

Let's go eat.

I-I thought
you didn't want to eat.

I changed my mind,
just like you did.

You didn't like Tammy,
now you do.

Who knows what's going
to happen next? Not me.



He's a billionaire,
he's not going to miss it.

Jake, this gnocchi
is amazing.

Yeah, I like to make it
'cause it sounds like "nookie."

Get it?

I do.

Not as much as I do.

So, uh, Tammy, where did you
learn the art of tattooing?


I'm kidding.




Jakey, you haven't even touched
your asparagus.

I don't like

Then, why'd you make it?
'Cause you like it.

Don't try to butter
me up, young man.

Eat your vegetables.
I don't wanna.

Jake, listen to your mo...

...arvelous girlfriend.

Look, just take
a few tiny bites.

Do I have to?

It's delicious.

Yeah, it really is.

Did you know
that the asparagus plant,

uh, dates back
to ancient...

Jake's taking Tammy to Vegas
to get married!


What the hell, dude?

I told you,
I'm not good with secrets.

Baby, you want
to get married?

Uh, no, no, no,
he doesn't.

Yes, he does.

I can't wait
for our life together,

I like it
when you dress in le...

No-Nobody's getting married.

We are, 'cause we love
each other, right?

Damn right we do.

I thought you were just
using him for his body!

You said that?

You're so sweet.


I am not going to let you throw
your life away like this!

Wait, which one of us
are you talking to?

My son, the idiot.

Oh, so, because he wants
to marry me, he's an idiot?

Uh, to be fair,

he was an idiot
long before he met you.

I don't need you
to defend me.

Come on, Tammy,
let's get out of here.

Oh, Jake, you can't
possibly be this stupid.

You know, it doesn't matter
what you think of me.

But why the hell
do you have

such a low opinion
of your son?

Because I know him!

Could be worse.

He could be one
of those showbiz kids

who goes off the rails.

All right, there's
a 24-hour chapel in Vegas.

If we hurry, we can get there
before it closes.

Yeah, I don't think
we should go to Vegas.

Why not?

A wedding's supposed to be about

bringing a family together,
not breaking it apart.

Hang on a sec.

You were just as mad
at my dad as I was,

and now you're on his side?

I'm not choosing sides.

Your dad's a tool
with a bad haircut.

But I'm just saying, if
we were to get married,

I would want the
whole family there--

my kids, your dad, the guy
your dad sponges off of.

Yeah, well,
I don't want him there.

You know, Jake, you're
lucky you have a dad.

When I was five, mine
went out for a sandwich

and never came back.

What kind of sandwich?


Sorry, we left
in the middle of dinner.

I'm still kind of hungry.

Look, the point is, I
don't want to be the cause

of an estrangement between
you and your father.

Don't worry, my dad was pretty
estrange before he met you.

Okay, look, let's approach
this from a different angle.


I think, before we do
anything else,

you need to make things right
with your dad.

I think he needs to make
things right with me.

It doesn't matter
who takes the first step.

Jake, he loves you,

and that's not something
you can just throw away.

But you're more important
to me than he is.

Thank you.

But family is the most
important thing in the world.

That's why I make sure
my kids get to see their dad,

even if he is
behind Plexiglas,

wearing an orange jumpsuit.

I can't believe
I'm not going to be there

to see my only son get married.

Well, if it makes
you feel any better,

I'm pretty sure you'll have
many more opportunities.

I got married in Vegas,

and divorced in Reno.

Hell of a weekend.

Dad, I got to talk to you.

Yeah, yeah, I-I need
to talk to you, too.

Um, I want to tell you
both that I'm sorry,

um, that...

if marrying Tammy is the
right thing for you...

you have my love
and support.

We're not getting married.

Oh, thank God!


I'm also sorry.

You're dead to me.

And your room's a home theater.

W-What made you
change your mind?

I just decided that I don't want
to get married

unless you're going to be the
one to walk me down the aisle.

A-Actually the dad
walks the, uh...

Let it go.

I just-- I want
you to be happy.

Thanks, and, you know, someday
we are going to get married,

maybe get a dog or a leopard,

have a couple kids of our own--

maybe more than a couple,
maybe, like, two or three.

You're going to need
a bigger house.

You know, this place
could really use a home gym.

That's a good idea.

Where could we put it?

I've been, uh,
thinking about names

for when Tammy and I have
our first kid.

You're enjoying
this, aren't you?


Although I-I am a little worried

about a third generation
of freeloaders living here.

If it's a boy, what do you think
about Walden Harper?

I like it.

All right, then, I guess
it's down to either

Alan or Xiang Xao.

Xiang Xao?

Yeah, I got to be ready, Dad.

They say one out of every three
babies born is Chinese.

I love it.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth