Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump - full transcript

Never mix tequila and scotch.

Morning, Uncle Charlie.

Jake, buddy.

Dad said you'd never get
up to go to soccer with me.

But I said, he promised.
So he was wrong.

What?

You know, most of the parents wear
shorts and lots of sunscreen,

but that's another way to go.

Alan, I can't go to a soccer game.
I just got home from Vegas.

You went out last night
to return a video.

I ran into a friend of mine who was
getting married at the Bellagio.



That explains the tuxedo.

No, I think this was
for something else entirely.

I'm sure I'll read about
it in the paper.

I am the Soccer Snack Buddy this week,
so I've gotta stop at the grocery store.

Why don't you ride to the game
with Jake when the van gets here?

I got a better idea.

Why don't I go upstairs, throw up
and sleep in my clothes for 12 hours?

Fine, but if you're not gonna come,

- you gotta tell Jake yourself.
- Fine. He'll understand.

- Jake?
- I got new cleats.

Nice. Listen, Jake, buddy.

Have you ever been to Vegas?

So you're the infamous Uncle Charlie.

I've heard about you.



Everybody out. Watch your heads.
One at a time.

- Party time.
- Come on.

Here's the deal, Uncle Charlie.
I find you attractive.

I have three kids,
a bastard of an ex-husband,

I work 50 hours a week
at my own travel agency,

I'm at the peak of my sexuality,

I have a three-hour window Wednesdays
when the kids are at tae kwon do.

You in or out?

I'm sorry, I'm terminally hung over
and I just took a cleat in the groin.

E- mail me. Allaboardgloria @aol. com.

So, which one's yours?

Please don't make me talk.

This is Charlie Harper.
Alan Harper's brother.

- So, who's winning?
- No one.

We don't keep score. We think it's
healthier if the kids just play for fun.

You're yanking me, right?

Judith warned us that you were a pistol.

By the way, we were so sorry
to hear about her and Alan.

So tell us, is it true?

Did Judith leave your
brother for another woman?

- Why don't you ask Judith?
- We wouldn't want to pry.

Ladies, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go because,
hell, I don't need a reason.

Someone's a little full of himself.

Forget him. His brother's
the one who's in play.

How's Jake doing?

Jake's fine. He's 10.
He's got his whole life ahead of him.

Me, on the other hand,

I'm sitting in the hot sun, in
rented pants listening to myself blink.

I'll ask somebody else.

What?

Sorry. I couldn't help
overhearing, and you just look so

pathetic.

Really? The guy at the
tux shop said I looked dashing.

Of course, that was yesterday.

And I found his phone
number in my pocket.

- What was the occasion?
- Just returning a video.

- Charlie Harper.
- Kate McLaughlin.

Let me ask you something,
Kate McLaughlin.

What's your take on this
whole no-keeping-score thing?

I think it's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

Can I stay here next
to you where it's safe?

Sure.

So, which one's yours?

Number nine. But I'm not the father.

Aren't you a good sport?

Jake, for the last time,

nobody got "creamed. "
No one won, no one lost.

Yeah. Except for us. 12-2.

It doesn't matter if you win or lose.
It's whether or not you beat the spread.

Thank you, Charlie.
Jake, go take a shower.

Charlie, we are trying to teach
the kids not to keep score.

You should've thought of that
before you taught them to count.

By the way, what are you doing
with Jake tomorrow?

I don't know. Why?

I made a play date for him with
one of the kids from the game.

You're hitting on the mother,
aren't you?

Can't slip one past you, can I?

That's not what a play date is for.

What? The kid plays,
I have a date. Everybody wins.

- Everybody wins?
- Yes.

But I promise not to keep score.

Charlie, you cannot use my son
to pick up single mothers.

But I can.

Good night, Snack Buddy.

No going in the water,
no throwing rocks, and remember,

if you can't see us, we can't see you.

Is there anything you'd
like to add, Charlie?

- Why can't they throw rocks?
- Go.

Ernie loves the beach.
Thanks for inviting him.

Anything for the kids.
They're our future.

- So, where's Alan?
- I sent him to the movies.

He deserves a break, and I get
some quality uncle time with Jake.

I think that is really nice of you.

Ernie, keep your socks with your shoes.

I'm sorry, where was I?

You were saying
I was nice about something.

How long have you lived
in Sherman Oaks?

We moved in and...
Ernie, put that down, it's dead.

That kid'll pick up anything,
no matter what it looks like.

Been there.

We moved in just in time
for the earthquake...

Ernie, I am not gonna say it again.

Put the dead thing down.

Jake, you should probably
put your dead thing down, too.

- Kids.
- I know. They're just...

Ernie, put it down
or we're leaving right now.

I'm counting to three. One, two...

Ernie, for God's sake,
you're killing me here.

- Thank you.
- No problem.

- So, did you grow up in L.A.?
- No.

My dad was in the Army
so we moved around...

Hell, that thing's not dead.

I'd like to get to know you,
it's not gonna happen on a play date.

- Ask me out sometime?
- That's a really good...

Are you happy?
I told you to put it down, Ernie.

Get the sand off of it.
No. Don't touch it.

- What night's good for you?
- Jake, you're not helping.

- Don't wait up.
- Back to Vegas?

Even better. Sherman Oaks.

The gateway to Van Nuys.

Kate again?

You have no clue
what you're getting involved in

- with these divorced soccer moms.
- You're right.

I don't have a clue. I've never had
a clue. It's part of my charm.

At least keep in mind that all
these women talk to each other.

So anything you do
will get back to my wife,

and somehow become my fault.

That doesn't seem fair.

So, where are you going?

I'm helping Gloria with
the soccer league newsletter.

I'm thinking of calling it
"Just For Kicks. "

This is the same Gloria
who drives the kid van?

- Yeah. Why?
- Nothing. Have fun.

Talk about not having a clue.

And I designed a logo,

the "K" in "Kicks" is a little foot.

Sounds wonderful.

I can't thank you enough
for taking the time to do this.

Anything for the kids.

You're such a good father.

It's a shame that Judith
didn't appreciate you.

She just needed
a little time to sort things out.

But, yeah. It's a shame.

Look at you.

A successful chiropractor,
intelligent, dedicated.

You're embarrassing me.

I'm sorry.

Let's get back to your little logo.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

It's my neck. I must have slept wrong.

Make an appointment with my office,
we'll see if we can fix that.

No, I'd feel funny.

We know each other.

Don't be silly. It's what I do.

Turn around. Go ahead.

- Are you getting enough calcium?
- I guess.

It's really important for
a woman your age.

Osteoporosis is a real problem.

Curvature of the spine.

Last thing you want
is to wind up with a hump.

I hope you didn't start without me.

- What are you talking about?
- Bill, you did this on purpose.

You showed up late
so you could snoop on me.

- You got to meet my girlfriend.
- What meet? She was our babysitter.

Will you get out of here, Bill?

Kate, I'm trying.
Ernie, would you put your shoes on?

- Bill.
- Charlie.

That your Jag?

- Yeah.
- It's nice.

I got the Navigator over there.

That's nice, too.

Let's go, Dad.

All right, then.
You try and make her happy.

Truthfully, I think
that my ex was intimidated

by my sexual...

I don't even know, how to say it.
Appetite.

So we're agreed we'll set aside
six inches for the editorial column?

I'm sorry. Yes, six inches.

I don't know how I got so off-topic.

I know exactly how you got off-topic.

I think the next piece of business
is to decide on the paper color.

I brought some samples. We've got

goldenrod, salmon, mustard...

You had me at goldenrod.

Everybody has you at goldenrod.

My brother, Alan, warned me
not to go out with you tonight.

That's funny.

Everybody warned me
not to go out with you.

It worked for Romeo and Juliet,

up until the poison and the stabbing.

Charlie, I have a confession.

I haven't been out with a man other
than my husband in 12 years.

That's not a problem.

A couple of things have changed,
I can bring you up to date.

Please do.

All right, well, nowadays,
women pay for dinner.

And of course, sex is a given.

I'll tell you one thing,
I am not paying for dinner.

Rats.

Look at the time.
Maybe we should get going.

Give Gloria a chance
for a little quiet time before

her many, many kids come home.

I don't need any quiet time.

Don't be silly.

Alan, would you mind driving me home?

I'm feeling a little tipsy.

A little tipsy?
How about a little obvious?

- I'm sorry?
- Could I talk to you for a minute?

- It is getting a little late.
- Sit down.

We'll be right back.

I think she's going through the change.

- What do you think you're doing?
- What?

He's in play. I'm playing.

I'm the one who told you he's in play.

Please. I told you two years ago
that marriage was toast.

So what?

He's in my house
on tae kwon do Wednesday,

and I don't have time to
mess around with you.

Why don't we just let him decide?

Let him decide?

He still thinks we're doing
a soccer newsletter.

- You don't even like him, do you?
- He's okay.

He's here and it's Wednesday.

I happen to think he's hot.

You wouldn't know
what to do with a hot guy.

Yeah? Well, watch me.

Great. You broke him.

The biggest surprise was how
much I loved having him around.

I mean, Jake's amazing.

Do you know I have, on occasion,
actually put his needs ahead of my own?

Like going to a soccer game
at 8:00 am on a Saturday?

Yes.

At 8:00 am, I can barely get out
of bed to go to the bathroom.

What you're saying
is having a child in your life

totally changes the way
you look at things.

Exactly.

Of course, you probably
know that already.

But I like that you know it.

- I had a really great time.
- Me, too.

- Can we do this again?
- I would love that.

Great.

What happened?
Did I do something wrong?

Please don't tell Alan's wife.

No, you didn't do anything wrong.

I really like you.

Okay. This is new for me.

It's just...

Charlie, I have a 10-year-old son.

I have two mortgages,
private school bills,

a full-time job, custody battles,
alimony battles,

child support battles,
car pools and drum lessons.

How can we possibly do this again?

You bought a 10-year-old a drum set?

Don't change the subject.
You know what I'm saying.

Do you really want to be
involved in this?

I hadn't really thought that far ahead.

Exactly.

All right. I guess I'll see you around.

Where are you going?

- Home.
- Why?

I said we couldn't do it again.
That doesn't mean we can't

do it tonight.

Boy, you really don't have a clue,
do you, Charlie?

No.

But it seems to be working for me.

Morning.

Regular or decaf?

- Regular.
- Thank God.

Aren't you even curious?

- You went to Gloria's last night.
- Yeah.

I can fill in the blanks.

We're getting killed.

We're here for fun, right?
Nobody wins or loses.

Come on. Somebody always loses.

Who are we kidding?

It's 8-1 out there, and
everybody here knows it.

And you know,
I'll tell you another thing.

We haven't won a game all season.

And I'll put that in the newsletter.

And as God as my witness,

there will be a newsletter!

Dad, you're kind of freaking
everybody out here.

Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.