Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap - full transcript

As Charlie tries to write a new jingle, Berta quits. Alan tries to convince her to come back. Leaving Charlie to get Jake ready for a dinner. And Rose tries to get Charlie's help to prepare for a date.

Charlie? Honey, wake up.

- Good morning.
- You lied to me, Charlie.

You said it was
just going to be the two of us.

I didn't lie, Berta. Things change.

Goodbye, Charlie.

Don't leave me, Berta.

I love you.

- Can't we talk about this?
- Sorry. I do single men only.

I'm in, I'm out,
there are no complications.

But I am single.

Berta? I hate to bring this up again,
but you just...

You cannot put the peanut butter
in the refrigerator. It gets hard.

And, on a related subject,
the peanut-butter stains

on Jake's shirts
really require an enzyme presoak.

I hope you two will be
very happy together.

But who's going to take care of me?

Who's going to do the laundry,
the shopping,

- and the cleaning and all the other stuff?
- Ask the Scrubbing Bubble there.

Uncle Charlie, why is Berta leaving?

Why? It doesn't matter, Jake.

What matters is she's gone.

And we're all going to die.

She left before she made the coffee.

So? We'll make our own coffee.


So, now we just wait?

Yes. It takes a couple of minutes.

Alan, this goes beyond coffee.

Berta's been with me forever.
She does everything.

She's like a wife that leaves
before you wake up,

and doesn't mind if you sleep around.

Is that the coffee?

It's my peanut butter. I made it soft.

I've been figuring out a way to repay you
for letting me and Jake stay here.

- Why don't I take over the housework?
- Berta did the shopping, too.

- I can do that.
- She did my laundry.

In her way, yes.

But I can handle that, too. And look,

I even made your coffee.

Thank you.


Not as good as Berta's.

It's her coffee.
I just pressed the button.

Berta's tasted,
I don't know, Christmassy.

What does that mean, "Christmassy?"

It means "like Christmas. "

Now, you got to work with me, Charlie.

I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon,
powdered reindeer?

I don't know.
It's just that when you drank it,

it felt like Christmas morning,
and anything was possible.

Sweet'N Low? Half & Half? Mocha Mix?

Forget it. I'll just read my paper.

Where's my paper?

I don't know.
You might try looking by the front door.

No, it's usually right here,
on the table.

Okay, so before you got up, Berta started
the coffee and got you your paper?

I don't know the mechanics of it,
but, yeah.

I'll go get it.

He's not off to a very good start.

Want a glass of peanut butter?

- Alan?
- Yeah?

I can see you.

And I can see you, too.

No. I mean, Berta never cleaned
when I was in the room.

She was like invisible.

I'm sorry.
I'll try to be more transparent.

Appreciate it.

Oh, no.

I see you.

Give me a break.

Not you.
That girl that's been stalking me.


There you are.

What are you doing
sneaking up on me like that?

Rose, honey,

we spent one night together,
and it was very nice, but...

What is your favorite part?

Gee, I'd have to say, finding out you
live just two doors down.

Sometimes, it's all I can do not to chew
through that house in the middle.


But see, I'm not looking for
a relationship right now.

So, maybe you should find someone
who can give you the attention you want.

Need, deserve,


Are you saying we should see
other people?

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

You have so much love to give,
and somewhere out there is a guy who

can take it.

- Well, there is this one guy...
- He sounds perfect.

His name is Andy.
He works at Jamba Juice.

He always gives me a free wheatgrass
shooter and chuckles when I gag.

Then ask him out.

That seems kind of forward,
don't you think?

No, come on,
women ask guys out all the time.

What they don't do
is handcuff themselves

to the refrigerator,
when he says it's time to go home.

That's where you and I
went off the track, isn't it?

I'm the past. Andy's the future.

Bye-bye now. Good luck,



- What did you do to my piano?
- Nothing. I just dusted.

Yes, well, I'm sitting here trying
to write a jingle about a chocolate bar

and my piano smells like lemons.

Gee, I'm sorry, Charlie.
But they don't make chocolate Pledge.

Maybe I'm not making myself clear.

The rest of the house can smell like
any fruit you want.

But my piano needs to smell...

- Piano-y.
- There you go.

Fine. I'll get an unscented polish.

That's not going to help me now, is it?


You know what? You are a child.
You're a big, high-maintenance child.

I am not a child.

Where you going?

If I can't write my chocolate song,
I'm going to take a nap.

Charlie, you asleep?

I'm doing a load of whites.


- Charlie?
- What?

You kicked me in your sleep.

Who said I was asleep?

I can't do this anymore.
You are impossible.

Don't blame me. I tried to make it work.

Excuse me? Berta quit at 9:00.

It's now 2:30. When did you try?
Where was the trying?

You're the one who made Berta quit.

I didn't make her quit.

I simply raised the bar
of quality housework

and she insisted on limboing under it.

But since you obviously
can't live without her,

you big baby,
I will go apologize and get her back.

- Great.
- So, where does she live?

I don't know.

Okay. What's her last name?

Your entire life depends on this woman
and you know nothing about her.


She took a bus.

I stand corrected.

After she works here in the morning,
she cleans some rock star's house.

Okay, what rock star? Where?

Steven Tyler from Aerosmith.
4456 Malibu Canyon Road.

Thank you.

Now listen, Judith is coming by at 5:00 to
pick up Jake for dinner with her parents.

Now I should be back by then.

But you need to make sure
he's dressed and ready to go.

- No problem.
- No, it's a problem, Charlie.

I'm trying desperately
to reconcile with my wife,

so I don't want to tick her off.

So, you telling me, "It's no problem,"
does not reassure me.

Here. Take my sock.
I want to show you a trick.

I'll go get Berta.
You make sure Jake is ready.

- Hi.
- Hello.

There are security cameras out front,
so come up from the back,

and bring some dog treats,
in case the rottweilers are out.

Again, thank you.

I asked Andy out, and he said yes.

- Andy?
- That guy you told me to ask out.

I just don't know what to wear.

I love this one,
but it still smells like pepper spray.

Where are you going?

To roll around naked on your bed.

I'm just kidding.
I'm going to try on the dress, silly.


- Is that lady your girlfriend?
- No, she's just...

It's complicated.

- What the hell happened to you?
- You know what else is complicated?


You got grease all over you.

It's in your hair, man.

Yes. My bike chain broke.
Can you fix it?

Kid, I'm a piano player.
What do you think?

Look, your mom's going to be here soon
to take you to dinner.

I know.

- So, how about a shower?
- No, thank you.

That wasn't a question.

Sorry, pal, but you need a shower.

But my bike's still broken.
I think you made it worse.

What are you talking about?
Now you got a unicycle.

Get in the shower.

- I'm so worried he's not going to like me.
- He's going to love you, Rose.

Just go out, have a great time,
and don't come on too strong.

Me, too strong? What do you mean?

Okay, speaking from my own experience,

there's nothing wrong with asking a guy
for a blood test,

but trying to take the blood yourself
is a little strong.

- I see.
- Where you going now?

You got me thinking
this dress comes on too strong.

So, I'm going to put on something
a little less...

And a little more...

Jake, why aren't you in the shower?

Oh, yeah.

Hi, Berta.
It's me, the Scrubbing Bubble.

I came to apologize.

Okay. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Come on, can't we put aside
our petty differences

and find a way to work together
out of a mutual love for Charlie?

Yeah, that's why I do this. For love.

The thing is, I'm going through
a really tough time right now.

My marriage is collapsing,
my business is slow.

My little boy is being dragged
back and forth

from his mother's house to Malibu.

My alcoholic husband ran off
with my daughter's parole officer,

and I clean rich peoples'
toilets for a living.

Okay, let's not make this a competition.

Jake, you've been in there for a while.
How's it going?


What are you doing?

Washing my bike chain. It's real dirty.

Forget about the chain.

You got to take a shower
before your mother gets here.

We're going to need a new chain.

Hello, Charlie's house. May I help you?

Hi, Alan, it's Rose. I got in.
How'd you do?

Here he is.

- It's your brother.
- Thank you.

How's it going? Did you talk to Berta?

Yes, I'm here with her now.

- Is Jake ready?
- Yes.

We're just applying the
finishing touches.

- What about Berta?
- The same. Finishing touches.

She's really a delight.

Just make sure Jake is ready
when Judith gets there.

Relax. Everything's under control.
I got to go.

- So, you like this dress better?
- Hang on, Rose.

The kid's running around the deck
in his underwear.

Sure. But when I do it,
you just ignore me.

- Jake, what are you doing?
- Air drying.

You still have grease in your hair.
Didn't you wash it?

You didn't say to wash my hair.

- Wash your hair.
- Okay.

You didn't tell him to rinse.

Good, that's good. Thank you.

Jake, rinse!

All right, so you won't come back.

Will you at least tell me how you made
the damn coffee Christmassy?


Yeah, Charlie said
your coffee tastes Christmassy.

- Cinnamon.
- I said cinnamon.

Lower back? You do a lot of lifting?

Of course you do.
You're a maid, and I'm an ass.

- I'm a housekeeper.
- Of course.

- And you're an ass.
- Yes.

Why don't you sit down,
let me take a look at it?

- What?
- I'm a chiropractor.

Okay. But no funny business.

Not to worry.

Looks like you washed
your hair instead of mine.

I'm not in the mood, Jake.

These clothes look stupid.

You're 10. No one cares.

- You're choking me.
- Trust me.

You'll know when I'm choking you.

I think my socks are on the wrong feet.

Jake, dude, I'm right on the edge.

Don't push me.

I can't do this on someone else.

- Charlie?
- You look great, Rose.

I don't think I can go
through with this.

What? No. Sure you can.

- No, I'm going to call Andy and cancel.
- No, you're not. Now listen to me.

You're a wonderful woman. And this guy,
Andy, is going to love you.

Thanks, but you're saying that
just to get me out of your hair.

No, not just.

- Now go out and have a great time.
- But...

No goodbyes.
Just turn around and walk away.



Goodbye, Rose.

- What happened?
- I have to go to the bathroom.

Why did you take your clothes off?

Sometimes, I miss.

Okay. That's it. I give up.

You are a child, Jake.

Dress, don't dress. Wash, don't wash.

I don't care. You're on your own.


God, that feels so good.

Berta, I can't find my...

Berta, if you're going to do a guy
in the laundry room,

put a scarf on the doorknob
or something.

I'm a big fan.

Is Jake ready?

Where's Jake?

I don't know.

You don't know?
My wife just pulled in behind me.

- You said you'd have him ready.
- It can't be done.

What do you mean, it can't be done?

I'm not strong enough.

His will is greater than mine.

I'm just going to get drunk
and stay out of his way.

Please tell me he's ready.
My parents are driving me nuts.


Hi, Mom.

Don't you look handsome?

- Uncle Charlie took my tie.
- You don't need a tie.

Grow up, Charlie.


- I thought you said he beat you?
- He did.

Now he's just screwing with me.

What happened with Berta?

It wasn't easy, but I did it.

She won't do my laundry,
or get my groceries,

and I have to give her
a lower back adjustment twice a week.

And Steven Tyler thinks I'm doing her.

- But she is coming back?
- Yes, Charlie, she is coming back.

Right on.

Are you crying?

It's been a very emotional day.

Here you go, buddy. Drink your vodka.

You look great, Rose, I swear.

He stood me up.

What? After we spent all day
getting ready?

- I don't know what I did wrong.
- You didn't do anything wrong.

- Then why did he stand me up?
- Because he's an idiot.

He doesn't get
what a truly rare person you are.


I wish Randy could see what you see.

Forget about him. Come on,
I'm going to take you to dinner.

- Really?
- Yeah, sure, why not?

I thought you said his name was Andy.

What did I say?

- You said Randy.
- No, I didn't.

Andy's a real guy. I didn't make him up.

I love your little tie.