Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 15 - Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick - full transcript

Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Frankie--against Alan's advice.

There we go. Watch your step.

- I can't feel my face, Charlie.
- You just had two wisdom teeth pulled.

Watch the drool.

Look at that.

- That is a very sexy woman.
- I'm sorry, that arouses you?

- How you doing?
- Hey.

Charlie, walk away.

Relax. This could be interesting.

You got a nice swing.


Try stepping in to it.
You will get more power that way.

You mean like this?

Yeah. Dial one and the area code,
because that is long-distance.

Charlie, let's go,
this woman is clearly a lunatic.

Yeah, but look at the passion, the fire,

the ass.

Is this your car?

- Do I look crazy to you?
- Well, frankly...

- So whose car is it? Cheating boyfriend?
- No.


Charlie, psychiatrist.

- What more do you need to hear?
- Hang on.

- So, you are beating up your shrink's car?
- He said I have anger issues.

The quack.

- Then he hit on me.
- The horny quack.

- Hold this for me.
- Good, I'm on deck.

Man, this is going to take forever.

Either one of you guys got an ice pick?

Don't cars like this
usually have an alarm system?

Thanks a lot.

- Let's get out of here, Charlie.
- Hey!

You are not just going
to leave me here, are you?


- Alan.
- Charlie!

So, how come Mush Mouth gets shotgun?

Damn shrink. Anti-depressants,
tranquilizers, sleeping pills.

- You want any of these?
- No, thanks.

No, I'm good.

Are you sure,
because you seem a little edgy?

No, I'm a lot edgy.

Isn't throwing that stuff
on the road a little dangerous?

To who? Raccoons?
They can't get past the childproof cap.

I got to say,
I really appreciate this, guys.

- No problem.
- Big problem.

- Frankie.
- Charlie.

- Awan.
- Awan?

Not "Awan," Awan.

Is Awan a little slow?


But I make up for it by being
a little fast.

- I know your type.
- You do?


Don't care for it particularly.

So, where can we drop you?

That's the thing.
I really don't have anywhere to stay.

Why? Did you escape from some place?

Great. Pot shots from Spittle Boy.

And if you must know,
I'm having family problems.

Charlie, you wouldn't happen to know of
a place I could crash tonight, would you?


Here we are. Chez Charlie.

Great house!

Oh, wow. You are right on the beach.

I have got to go for a swim.

- She's taking her clothes off.
- Yeah.

Is this a great country or what?

- Hi, Dad. Hey, Uncle Charlie.
- Hey, guys.

Rose, what are you doing?

- We are playing Mummy on a Chair.
- I'm the mummy.

Judith, hi.

- Is Jake ready to go?
- Hang on. Jake, your mom's here.

Charlie, why don't you go out on the
deck and keep an eye out for

approaching squalls?

I'm on it.

It's squall season.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetheart.

- What is he doing?
- He's playing Mummy on a Chair.

Where is the chair?

I don't know the rules, Judith.

Hi, Rose. Thanks for babysitting.

- No problem. We had fun.
- Good.

- So who's the naked lady?
- Not really sure.

She was trashing a car with a baseball
bat when we left the dentist's office

and, you know,
one thing kind of led to another.

So you met cute, that's nice.

But you know, you may want to be
careful with a girl like that, Charlie.

One day it's baseball bats
and windshields,

the next day you wake up with
your testicles Superglued to your thigh.

- Point taken.
- I'm sorry about that, by the way.

Water under the bridge.

Hurry up, Jake. Your mother's waiting.

Remember, I'm bringing him back
tomorrow night so I can see my parents.

Why is there a woman's shoe
on your floor?

Apparently, Mummy on a Chair
is a very complex game.

- Bye, Dad.
- See you, pal.

Tell your brother he is a pig.

I will leave a note on the fridge.

- God, I needed that.
- Me, too.

It's like all my insanity and rage
have just been washed away.

That's good. Because, you know,
all your drugs are on the Coast Highway.

Where can I take a nice hot shower?

I said where, not with whom.

You guys are so cute.

Right back at you.

Good, Charlie.
Keep hitting on the deranged woman.

While you are at it,
why don't you try humping a bear trap?

Alan, open your eyes.
That is an intriguing and exciting woman.

A rare and magnificent jewel.

- She's hot and you are horny.
- I'm saying.

- I just love warm sake.
- Me, too.

Tora, tora, tora!

You know, Frankie,
there are many fine hotels in the area.

- I can't stay in a hotel.
- Why not?

That is a very good question.

So, where you from?


- I wouldn't know where to begin.
- Okay.

Here I am yakking about myself.
What about you guys?

Alan, what do you do?

Good question. Guess.

How about that?

- Alan, don't be childish.
- She started it.

He is a chiropractor.


That's terrific. I have so much respect
for what you guys do.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Thank you. See that, Charlie?

My brother thinks
I'm just a glorified masseuse.

I never said glorified.

Charlie, you are so wrong.

Chiropractors are like
angels of healing.

These hands have amazing powers
to bring relief and even pleasure.

Hey, these aren't exactly hooks.

- Do you get regular chiropractic work?
- Are you kidding? Once a week.

In fact, I'm in desperate need
of an adjustment right now.

- Let me get my table, I will fix you up.
- Awesome.

Do you want me with clothes or without?

Are they looking for me?

You didn't say anything, did you?

I got to go. I love you.
I will see you soon. Come in.


I was just going to go to bed and wanted
to see if you needed anything,

towels, sheets,


No, I'm great, thanks. Alan got me
totally jelled out with that adjustment.

Man, you are so lucky
to have him right here in this house.

Yeah, I'm living a dream.

So, listen, if you need to talk to somebody
about, you know, anything, I'm here.

I see that.

Okay, then.


I think you are a really cool guy.


But I'm not going to have sex with you.

- Ever?
- Good night, Charlie.

Good night.

Okay. Round one to the hot, crazy chick.

Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes.

If you had a TV on your forehead and could
breathe through the ears you'd be perfect.

So nobody makes you pancakes
where you live?

Not your husband,



mother, father, grandma, cellmate?

Round two.

- Morning, Frankie.
- Morning, Charlie.

- Morning.
- Yeah.

So, Frankie. Boy, that is a pretty name.

- How did you sleep?
- Great. Except,

I had this wild erotic dream.

And I woke up all drenched in sweat.

- Could you pass the syrup?
- Sure. Yeah.

Thanks, sweetie. You are a doll.

You know, I can't thank you guys enough
for letting me stay here last night.

I just wish there was some way
I could repay you.

For a start, you could tell us
something about yourself.

Anything, really.

I wouldn't mind
hearing more about that dream.

All right. I guess I can trust you guys.

Charlie, Alan.

I know this may sound totally crazy

but I work for a secret
government agency,

and my current mission is...

I'm sorry. You should see your faces.
You guys are so easy.

All right, I'm going to go take a bath.

Who wants to scrub my back? Too late!

Sometimes I just crack me up.

So, what have you got going for today?

Nothing. I was just going
to hang around the house.

Yeah. Me, too.

- No work? No errands?
- Not a thing.

- Maybe you could see a movie.
- I've seen a movie.

Come on, Alan.

- Why are you doing this?
- Doing what?

Why don't you admit
that you are interested in Frankie?

I'm not.

- You are not?
- Honest to God.


But hypothetically,
if I were interested in her,

would you care?

Of course I would.

You are my brother. I don't want
to see you get your feelings hurt.

You just assume that if we are both
interested in the same woman

you would come out on top?

- Aren't you going to say anything?
- What? There was no question there.

- God, you are such an arrogant jerk.
- See, your feelings are hurt.

My feelings are fine.

I think the real issue here is Frankie
likes me better and it's driving you crazy.


What's driving me crazy is that you
fought tooth and nail to keep the lunatic

out of this house,
but now that she is here, you want her.

I never said I wanted her.

But you think that if you did want her,

you could have her
even if I wanted her, too.

- Aren't you going to say something?
- There was no question there.

Okay. Fine.

Take your best shot.
Let me just give you a little heads up.

- I am way out in front.
- Yeah? How do you figure?

Frankie and I have already discussed
having sex.

What are you doing?

I just thought Frankie
might like some fresh towels.

I already gave her fresh towels.


Well, aren't you Toweley Towellerson
all of a sudden.

- You know, Alan, it's not my fault.
- What's not your fault?

That I've always been more successful
with women than you.

Have been, Charlie. Have been.
We are not teenagers anymore.

Your bad-boy act just might be
wearing just a little thin.

- Or you just might be a little jealous.
- Jealous?

Don't... me.

When the occasion calls for...
I have every right to...

What? I thought we were
doing funny noises.

That was an elephant.

- Yeah, elephant.
- It was good. Yeah. Really good.

I'm ready to go.
Can one of you guys give me a ride?

- Absolutely.
- Sure.

- Great. Who's driving?
- I will.

- I got the Jag.
- I got the Volvo.

- Mine's faster.
- Mine's safer.

- Alan, stop competing with me.
- Why don't you stop competing with me?

- Why should I stop? I'm winning.
- Like hell you are.

- Like hell I am. Ask Frankie.
- Why don't you ask Frankie?

- I don't need to ask her.
- What are you afraid of?

I'm afraid I'm going to hit you so hard
I'll be an only child.

Yeah? Bring it on.

Hey! Stop it!

What is wrong with you two?
You are family. You are brothers.

Do you understand how precious that is?

Do you have a clue the pain you feel
when a family rips itself apart

and there is no one to replace them?

I mean, that's it, you know,
you are all alone in the world and...

It's just so horrible.

- It's okay.
- Yeah, look, we are not fighting.

Yeah. We love each other. See?

Yeah, and it doesn't matter who drives,
you know. We will both come.

Good. Let's go.

- Nice house.
- Yeah.

All right, I've just got to pick up
a few things and then,

I was hoping you could take me
to the train station.

- The train station? Where are you going?
- I don't know. I will figure something out.

If it helps any, you are welcome to stay
with us for a couple more days.

- I couldn't impose.
- It's no imposition.

- Yeah. We like having you.
- Are you sure?

It's settled. You are staying with us.

Man, how much do I love you guys.

I'll be right back.

- What a nice girl.
- Yeah.

Of course, we still don't know
a damn thing about her.

True. Although that is one big-ass house
she lives in.

Or is robbing.

That would make us
the duped getaway drivers.

Moron accessories to grand theft.

That's a major felony.

Yeah. Hard time.

I can't do hard time, Charlie.
I have allergies.

That's going to be your biggest problem.

Watch your head, sweetheart.


I'm Joanie.

- Hi.
- Okay. We can go now.

Where are we going, Mommy?

We are going to go
to Charlie and Alan's house, hon.

It's a wonderful place where
those awful people will never find us.

You were right.

We should have taken the Volvo.

Stay tuned for scenes
from the next Two and a Half Men.

Next on Two and a Half Men.

Are you guys gay?

- Unfit, how?
- You know...

We got to get them out of here.

You can take your damn money

and stick it up
your "white bread, country club,

"Tournament of Roses, liposuctioned" ass.

I just met your brother's latest stuff.

- Why do you assume it's his stuff?
- What? Is it yours?

No, but it's not his, either.

Hold on there, Pecos Bill.

No, I like girls.
Just not into eight-year-olds.

The bad news is
that wasn't my shrink's car.

It's been so long
since anybody's touched me.

Come on. Don't you want to spoon?


I'm the extra guy.

I'm wrapped
tighter than an airport sandwich.

Here, I'm running late.

You're going to get laid tonight.

Why doesn't she just kick me
in the balls?