Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 16 - That Was Saliva, Alan - full transcript

Now Frankie has tricked the Harpers into taking her and her daughter Joanie in, she explains that Bob's parents want her declared mentally incompetent in order to get custody. Charlie wants...

Previously on Two and a Half Men.

That is a very sexy woman.

- So whose car is it?
- Psychiatrist.

Let's get out of here, Charlie.

You are not just going
to leave me here, are you?

Here we are. Chez Charlie.

- She's taking her clothes off.
- Is this a great country or what?

You guys are so cute.

Right back at you.

Good, Charlie.
Keep hitting on the deranged woman.

Hey, Charlie, you're a really cool guy.

But I'm not going to have sex with you.


Deep tissue massage, pancakes.

If you had a TV on your forehead and could
breathe through the ears you'd be perfect.

You just assume that if we are both
interested in the same woman

- you would come out on top?
- Of course I would.

What are you afraid of?

I'm afraid I'm going to hit you so hard
I'll be an only child.

- Are you sure?
- It's settled. You are staying with us.

Of course, we still don't know
a damn thing about her.

I'm Joanie.


We are going to go
to Charlie and Alan's house, hon.

It's a wonderful place where
those awful people will never find us.

So, Frankie,

why didn't you tell us you
had a daughter?

Okay, guys, here's the deal.

I didn't want you to know.

Okay. I feel better.

I'm sorry, it's a long story.

We got time. I'm not doing anything.
Alan, you doing anything?

No, I'm free.

I was staying with my grandma
and grandpa, who are really rich,

and they don't want my mom to have me,
so they said she's crazy.

That wasn't so long.

- Can we please talk about this later?
- Okay. What shall we talk about?

Are you guys gay?

Isn't she something?

Okay, here we are.

This is it, right? One kid, no pets?

As far as I know.

- Can I go look at the ocean?
- Sure, just stay on the deck.

Okay, who has the first question?

- Alan.
- Thank you.

- What the hell is going on?
- Good one.

Here it is. I married a really rich guy,
and his parents always hated me.

I don't know.
Maybe it was because when we met,

he was on the road
to becoming a U.S. Congressman

and I was just, you know, on the road.

Joanie, get off the railing.

Anyway, they were not happy
when we got married,

and they were even less happy
when we used part of his trust fund

to finance my recording career.

- You're a singer?
- Well, as it turns out, no. But...

Then two years ago, Brad died.

And ever since, his parents have been
trying to take Joanie away from me.

- So, the psychiatrist...
- Court ordered.

They're suing me for custody,
saying I'm an unfit parent.

- Unfit, how?
- You know...

I'm not a lawyer,

but taking a baseball bat
to the shrink's Beamer

might not have helped your case.

Yeah, they'll probably spin that one
in their favor.

But I was screwed anyway

because they were paying him
to make me look bad.

- That's horrible.
- So what are your plans now?

I don't know. I didn't think past
just getting her out of there.

You don't have to know.

You can stay here for a while
and figure it out. Right?

- Absolutely.
- Thank you.

That'd be great. I'll go tell Joanie.

Terrific. We're happy to have you.

Okay, we've got to get her out of here.

- Charlie, she needs us.
- She doesn't need us.

She needs a lawyer
and probably a new shrink.

Well, then we'll get her those.

At this point, I think I'd like
to stop using the word "we. "

You're going to bail on her?

Two days ago,
you couldn't wait to get her in bed.

That's because two days ago,
she was just a crazy stranger.

If I remember correctly,
you couldn't wait to get rid of her.

Yes, because she was a crazy stranger.

Now I've gotten to know her
and I want her to stay.

All right, Alan, but I'm warning you.
This girl's got a lot of baggage.

I don't know if you have enough
sky cabs to get her to the curb.


So, Joanie, what grade are you in?

- Second.
- Really?

- I have a little boy who's in fourth.
- So?

I don't know. I thought it'd be germane
to the conversation.

Wow. Doesn't matter how old they are,
you still strike out.

You know, Joanie,
you are just as pretty as your mom.


I bow to the master.

Hold on, let me finish.

All right,
I'm going to say this one more time

real slow so there's no confusion.

You can take your damn money

and stick it up
your "white bread, country club,

"Tournament of Roses, liposuctioned" ass.


- Really? I'm garbage.
- Is Alan here?

Really? Is that right?

Well, I got news for you, lady.
The term is white trash.

- Do you know her?
- Nope, that's a new one.

- Hi, Dad.
- Jake, Judith. What are you doing here?

Alan, I told you yesterday
I was going to visit my parents.

Dad's having another colonoscopy.

If I'm not there,
I'll have to watch the video.

Yeah, right. I'm sorry.
There's just been a lot of stuff going on.

I just met your brother's latest stuff.

- Why do you assume it's his stuff?
- What? Is it yours?

No, but it's not his, either.

- But it could be.
- Says who?

Says your ex-wife.

Okay, I really don't need to hear this.
Jake, honey, have a good time.

Charlie, behave yourself.

What about me?

I am completely capable
of having my own stuff.

- Hi, I'm Joanie.
- Hey. I'm going to go play in my room.

- Can I come with you?
- Whatever.

If he can just keep that attitude
for another 30 years, he's gold.

I'm not afraid of your lawyers
or your shrinks.

Fine, bring them on,
because you know what?

We're going to run away and hide.

Now they're really unhappy with me.

- Is there anything we can do?
- Thanks, you've already done so much.

- I just hate to put you out like this.
- It is not a problem.

We have plenty of space.
You and Joanie can stay in my room

and I'll bunk with Charlie.

You'll bunk with Charlie?

- Hold on there, Pecos Bill.
- No, it'll be fun.

It'll be like when we were kids.


But just remember, this time
Mom won't be around to hear you scream.

Why are those people here?

They're going through a tough time,
and we're helping them out.

That girl is really annoying.

- I think maybe she has a crush on you.
- Yeah, that's what's annoying.

- You don't really like girls yet?
- No, I like girls.

Just not into eight-year-olds.

Is Joanie okay?

Yeah. She fell asleep
as soon as her head hit the pillow.

- It was a long day for her.
- Yeah.

The good news is
I think my in-laws are going to back off.

The bad news is
that wasn't my shrink's car.

Yeah, well, we all make mistakes.

But at least you made this one
for the right reason.

You love your daughter.

I just wish I knew where to
go from here.

Because I know
I seem like I've got it all together,

- but this is a little...
- Scary?

Yeah. I understand.

When my marriage ended, I was terrified.

It's the unknown.

- Yeah.
- No, don't cry.

Everything will work out, you'll see.

- What's the matter?
- I don't know.

It's been so long
since anybody's touched me.

Come here.

- Alan?
- Yeah?

It's been so long
since anybody's touched me.

How much did you see?

Just enough to make sleep impossible.

Okay, that's great.
I am dying to talk about this.

All we did was kiss,
but, Charlie, what a kiss.

It was like our souls were merging.

- That was saliva, Alan.
- No, seriously.

I mean, Frankie is incredible.
Think about it.

First she loses her husband, then
she has to fight to keep her daughter,

and yet, still she has such incredible
spirit, such joie de vivre.

would you like to hear my take on this?

Is it positive and life affirming?

Good night, Alan.

Okay, no. Tell me what you think.

All right.

I've known you all your life,
and if there's one thing I've noticed,

you are a stone sucker
for the damsel in distress.

- I am not.
- Come on, Alan.

Every woman
you've ever been involved with

has been damaged and needy.

Wait, what about... Okay, go on.

You devote all your time and energy
into fixing them up

instead of doing the humane thing,

which is to have sex with them
and run away.

Exactly how is that the humane thing?

My way, they have a good time,
you have a good time, nobody suffers.

Your way, you get married,
you take over their lives,

they start to hate you,
and you end up moving in with me.

You know what, Charlie?
I think you're jealous.

- Of who?
- Of me.

For the first time in our lives,
a woman picked me

over you, and you can't deal with it.

I can deal with it.
I don't get it, but I can deal with it.

I feel sorry for you.
I feel sorry that your heart

has become so hard and small
that you've lost the capacity

to connect with another human being
on any level any more meaningful

than the inebriated exchange
of bodily fluids.

Boy, leave it to you
to take a beautiful thing

like drunken sex and make it
sound dirty.

I don't know why
I even bother talking to you.

- Alan?
- What?

I thought we had a pact
to never go to bed mad.

Leave me alone.

Come on. Don't you want to spoon?

I swear to God,
you are going to lose that hand.

- That's not my hand.
- Mom!

- Do you know where Jake is?
- No, honey, I'm sorry.

- We're playing hide-and-seek.
- I don't know where he's hiding.

No, I was hiding,
and he was supposed to find me.

It's been over an hour.

- If I see him, I'll let him know.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.


- Coffee?
- Thank you.

So, I thought maybe today, you, me,
and the kids might go do something fun.

- What about Charlie?
- He's had his fun.

I know. Why don't we go

to Will Rogers State Park
and have a picnic?

- That sounds nice.
- Great.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Oh, man.

I'm the extra guy.

Don't call yourself extra.

- Try superfluous.
- Alan.

- Fifth wheel, eleventh toe, third nipple.
- Alan!


- What's interesting?
- This is new for me.

Don't really like it.

- Charlie, you're a great guy.
- No, please, stop.

Do not call me a great guy.

That's what you call
the schmuck loser friend

who has to dance with the

hot chick's ugly cousin.

- What?
- Nothing. Just having a really good day.

- Hey, coming on the picnic, Uncle Charlie?
- No. Couldn't find a date.


Mom wants to know
if you want egg salad or tuna for lunch.

- Tuna.
- Me, too.

God, she's annoying.

At least you're not a third nipple.

Jake, why don't you go in the kitchen

and help Joanie pick out some snacks
for the picnic basket?

You sure you don't want to come with us?

- Do you really want me to come with you?
- No, I was just being polite.

Listen, Frankie,
we need to talk about you and Alan.

Come on, stud.

- You're not jealous, are you?
- No. Dumbfounded, maybe.

Mystified, astounded, flabbergasted,
but not jealous.

I just want to make sure that you
understand how vulnerable he is.

You don't think I'm vulnerable, too?

Maybe you haven't noticed, Charlie,

but I'm wrapped tighter
than an airport sandwich.

Okay, let me put it this way,
my brother is crazy about you.

Well, I'm crazy about him, too.

No, you don't understand.
Alan's a nester.

He's already imagining
the two of you walking through IKEA,

picking out flatware and throw pillows.

- Come on.
- He did it with me.

You really care about him, don't you?


You're a great guy, Charlie.

Great guy and a kiss on the cheek.

Why doesn't she just kick me
in the balls?

- Want to play tag?
- No.

- Hide-and-seek?
- No.

- Want to chase me?
- No.

- The kids are having a great time.
- This is a wonderful idea, Alan. Thank you.

Hey, what makes it wonderful
is the company.

Do you always say exactly the right

I don't know.

I suppose I try to be sensitive
to the moment

and weigh my words
so that they're emotional...

No, not always.

Listen, Frankie, I was thinking.

We get along so well,
and our kids get along,

and since neither one of us
really has our own place...


Absolutely not.

- But...
- No. My life is such a mess,

and I've got to straighten out
a bunch of things

before I can even think
about a relationship.

Yes, you've got a lot of baggage,
but it's nothing I can't get to the curb.

- What?
- It was something Charlie said.

I was hoping you'd know what it meant.

No. Alan,

I talked to my brother in Seattle today,

and he and his wife are going
to put me and Joanie up for a while.

- You're leaving?
- Tomorrow morning.

'Cause, you know, I can enroll her
in school there and get a job

and start putting my life
back together again.

Yeah, no. That makes sense. Sure.

- I'm sorry.
- No. You're doing the right thing.

- Look on the bright side, Alan.
- What bright side?

You're going to get laid tonight.

Oh, boy. I think I'm going to cry again.

Okay, hon, the cab's waiting.
Say goodbye to Jake.

- Bye, Jake.
- Bye.

Oh, man!

- Charlie, what can I say?
- I know. I'm a great guy.

Oh, man!

You know, I would've been happy
to drive you to the airport.

No, it's better to say goodbye here,
because LAX is hectic and crazy,

and the underwire in my bra
always sets off the metal detectors.

You know,
this doesn't have to be goodbye forever.

Once we get all settled,
you can come visit us.



Here, I'm running late.

- It's tough seeing her go, isn't it?
- Yeah. I'm really going to miss Joanie.