Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 6, Episode 9 - Closing Time - full transcript

♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger now

♪ Just think I'll wait a while

♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!

♪ And a pack of flakies! ♪

Bill. Bill.

Bill.

Ooh, oh.

Oxfam have sent me another new pen!

Ohhh, you guys.



I can't believe Gaz hurt my finger.

Jonny, your fight with Gaz
didn't leave a mark on you.

You're just wearing that bandage
so you can play Ku Klux Fingermouse.

Gaz did hurt me when we fought.

I have bruising, swelling, chafing, nostalgia

and melancholy.

Melancholy?

Well, I miss the cheeky scamp, don't I?

I miss our little chats, our boyish pranks,
the way he smells.

Pardon?

It's the heady aroma of pine cones and grease,
like a deep fried squirrel.

Well, then, make it up to him.

But I'm always the one who has to say sorry,
even when something's patently his fault.

All he has to do is penetrate me
with his deep soulful stare and I'm a goner.



Yeah, you sound like you might want him
to penetrate you with something else, Jonny.

What are you implying?

Well, it's just something
I've noticed recently with you.

You have a touch of the Ainsleys.

How dare you?

I've never been so insulted in all my life,
you devil!

There's nothing wrong with
having a feminine side.

Good.

It's just when it's not so much a feminine side
as a big cock-munching side.

Oh!

Oh!

I cannot believe
my own wife thinks I lean in that direction.

Did I not, only this morning,
ask you during sexual intercourse

to stick your female finger up my...

Oh, my God.

I don't think you're gay, obviously.
I just think you could try being a bit less...

You're right.

From now on, it's gotta be butchness
and masculinity all the way.

I may even join the British Navy.

Oh, good.

Pleased to meet you.
I like breasts and vaginas, they're smashing.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, a bit turned-on, are we?

No. This is a letter from the brewery.

It says The Archer's gonna be closed on the 16th.

That's today. I'll be out of a job.

Look, I don't need this.
I'm at a very important stage of my career.

Signing on is very important.

I can't be Dion's mum, there's no way, Dad.

Oh, my God. Is that your dad?
I've never met your dad. Give it here.

- Let me say...
- Get off! Get off!

Yeah, that's my boyfriend.

Well, you're not even bothered about me,
so why are you asking about who I'm with?

Well, you could've said that countless times
over the past 24 years.

You didn't even come to Mum's funeral,
why should I help you out now?

Donna, let me sort this out.

Thank you.

Well, hello. How are you?

- Yeah.
- Give me the phone.

Get... Get off!

Eh? Oh, she can be a little madam, can't she?

Anyway, what can we do for you?

Yeah, of course. That'll be a pleasure.

Yeah, okay. Can I... Can I call you Dad?

Okay. Yeah, Mr Henshaw it is. All right then.

See you.

What did you do?

What? I just said we'd look after
your baby brother for a few days.

You should take care of family, Donna.

He's not a baby, he's 16. He's a nightmare.

Yes, I think I'll know a little bit more
about being a 16-year-old boy than you.

Just better dig out me Dungeons and Dragons
and get some Panda pop.

You'd be better off with porn and lager.

Yes, I would, actually. Thanks for offering.

Ooh!

Think, Kelly, think.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

What are we thinking about?

The brewery are gonna close this place down.
We have to save the pub.

- I've got it.
- What?

Nude female wrestling every weeknight.

How is that supposed to save The Archer?

Who said anything about saving the Archer?
I just fancy you.

Oh, God. How could they close this place?

So many memories.

There's a little piece of all of us in this place.

I lost a toenail in the pool room.

Oh, why don't we take someone hostage, yeah?

Demand that they keep the pub open.

Arthur likes being tied up.

Yes. Yes, we need a hostage, brilliant.

Ciao.

God, I've had such a morning.

Throwing up, tender breasts, weird cravings...

I think I'm coming down with something.

Baby-ticulitis?

Kiddy-berculosis?

Stupid-pregnant-nubfelia?

Don't blind me with medical jargon.

What are you staring at?
All the cool kids are eating coal these days.

Louise, I think you might be pregnant.

But I've not slept with anyone.

Not since my alcoholism.

Who was it?

Oh, Arthur.

You've not been a naughty boy, have you?

No, it wasn't that skanky, old meth head.

All I can remember is,
he had a particular way of touching my bosom.

Oh, right. Was it like this?

(IMITATING HONKING)

- No.
- No? Like this?

(TWITTERING MUSICALLY)

No!

Well, how about like this?

Right, Kelly! You're my hostage!

You are not leaving my grasp
until my demands are met.

Nice one. I'll get me shackles.

(GAZ IMITATING MOTORBIKE)

Yay!

(RINGING BELL)

Look what I got for your brother.

Eh?

Gaz, he's 16. He's evil, he set fire to my gran.

Wheelie!

He's gonna love this bike, ain't he, eh?

Yes, not as much as you seem to.

Look, Gaz, I have to tell you, there's a reason
why I have little to do with my family.

Yeah, because you don't wanna admit
the amount of affection you have for them.

And you hide the pain of not connecting with them

by a hostile veneer
that only years of therapy could break.

No, because they're all bastards.

(THUDDING)

- Oh, that'll be him.
- It's him?

Yeah.

Yo, what's up, blood?

Dion, welcome, give us a hug, eh?

Yeah, suck my fat hairy cock.

Any minute now they'll phone,
bowing to my demands.

(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

Now, are those shackles too tight?

- Are they hurting you?
- Mmm.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't. Put it back in. It was cutting the oxygen off.

Thus make me orgasms longer and more fulfilling.

You're having an orgasm?

No, of course not.

Now I am.

Kelly, nothing seems to be happening.

Well, try threatening me, like they do in the films.

Oh, right.

Kelly, I'll blinking well have your guts for garters,
so I will!

You big silly.

That's not threatening. Do this.

If The Archer doesn't stay open,

I'm gonna smoke this bitch and turn the gun
on every goddamn last one of you!

Don't shout at me

in American.

Look, what did the brewery say?

Well, I've not heard anything.
They're playing swingball.

Hard. It's hardball, Janet.

No, I find it quite easy, it's on a string.

Well, what happened when you phoned them?

Were they frightened? Terrorised?

Quivering like a threatened virgin?

Oh, God, there's another orgasm.

When I phoned them?

Well...

They, er...

Just gonna make a quick call.

♪ I feel pretty

♪ Oh, so pretty

♪ I feel pretty and witty and gay ♪

Why do I have a compulsion
to polish this pepper mill everyday?

Jonny, I need your help.

Okay, Louise, but, well,
you have to do something for me first.

Anything, anything for you.

- Really?
- No, you tit!

Don't you people get me?

Look, just show me a bit of leg
or a bit of breast or just...

Just get your minge out, see what happens.

- Why?
- To see if I'm attracted to you.

Jonny, all men find me attractive.
That's how I got in this mess to begin with.

What mess?

I'm pregnant.

With one of those.

(WHOOPING)

I mean, whose is it?

Mine, of course!

I just don't know who the father is.

The spawn was conceived during my alcoholism.

All I can remember is that he had a particular way
of manipulating my mammaries.

I was thinking it might be you.
So, you know, grab away.

Well, that would prove I wasn't gay,
but Janet would tear off my Jonnyhood.

I won't tell anyone.

Look, I can't Louise. Janet would kill me.

No, definitely not you,
and good God, man, cut your nails.

It's like being groped by an eagle.

And I don't feel anything sexual at all,
except a big pair of breasts.

Thanks a lot. Well, if you don't find me attractive,
you must be what I always thought you were.

Yes, I am.

I'm turning into a gay.

No, I was going to say a dickhead, but...

Gay's better. We can go shopping.

Come on.

Hey, what do we do with him?
Does he need changing and that?

Look, it's just no use trying. I hate family.

And we hate you, fo' shizzle my nizzle.

You do know you're not black?

Well, I'm black on the inside, beeyatch.

This was a stupid idea, Gaz.

He's just a little boy that needs guidance,
come on.

Yeah, do you mind not spitting on me floor?

Yeah, of course, no problem.

Okay.

I'm not entering into these childish games
with you, I'm 27.

- Yeah, you are.
- Yes, I know I am.

- So? I know you are.
- Yeah, I know I am.

- So? I know you are.
- Yeah, I know I am.

- So? I know you are.
- Yeah, I know I am.

- So? I know you are.
- Yeah, I know I am.

- So? I know you are.
- Yeah, I know I am.

For God's sakes!

This is stupid. Just don't bother with him.
I never have done.

What's this?

Ah, now, you might be interested in that.
Read it. See.

"The World's Best Mechanic".

Oh, my God. Should say, "World's Biggest Cock".

Yeah, actually, it should, yeah.
But I'm not one to boast, eh?

You want me to tell you
what I think of your trophy?

Well, am I being a bit optimistic
in thinking you're impressed?

I'll show you.

Oi!

Oh, you little...

Don't touch me! I'll call the pigs.

I'm not scared of the pigs.

Just don't call the sheep, all right?

What are you gonna do? Hit me?

- No.
- No?

Because you're a shitehouse,
you're a gaylord and 'cause you got no balls.

Oi! Oi!

He's got balls!

They just don't work.

You're even worse than him, Donna!

Oi, hold on, that's your sister.

She's a frigging traitor. She took her money
and run, and we ain't seen her since.

I hate her.

She's a stupid, nasty little...

Oi, you little bastard!
No wonder no one wants you!

I can't believe the brewery paid no attention
to you being my hostage.

Why can't you be more like Shergar.

I am.

I've worn a saddle
and been ridden by a tiny little man.

Look, come on, we have to think of
something completely foolproof to save the pub.

Think, Kelly, think.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. Oh.

- Yes?
- Nothing, just another orgasm.

Janet, cure me with your mighty bosom.

- What?
- I'm on the turn.

I'm becoming a gay.

Watch this.

♪ Young man

♪ There's no need to feel down
I said... ♪

See?

Jonny, you are not gay.
And don't you think that's a little bit homophobic?

Don't you insult my people.

Jonny, I don't think you're gay.

How can you be sure?

I'll be back in two minutes with proof and a dildo
with a camera on, just in case I'm wrong.

Oh, Jonny, can you think of a way of stopping
the brewery closing the pub?

Well, Janet,

my people like to use a little thing we call

blackmail.

Right, and what do other people call it?

Blackmail.

Look, focus. We need to get some dirt
on the head of the brewery.

Oh, I've only met him once over a cup of tea.

He was really nice, actually. Said he liked my top.

A cross-dresser.

What else?

Well, he had quite a big nose.

All the better to hoover up his cocaine.

Fine, I'll make the call.

Oh, disguise your voice so he doesn't recognise it.

Ooh. Okay.

(MOCK SCOTTISH ACCENT) Well, hello.

- How's that?
- Brilliant.

Oh, and tell him, we know he doesn't do any work

and he sits around all day
watching porn on the internet.

But, Jonny, he's the head of a brewery.
I hardly think he has time to look at porn.

Janet, he's a man. Believe me, he makes time.

(SHUSHING)

It's ringing.

(MOCK SCOTTISH ACCENT) Well, hello,

I'm a blackmailer and I'm blackmailing you.

Now, stop looking at that internet porn
and listen up.

Yes, yes, actually, we can see you, Jimmy.

All right, Jonny.

Here's your test.

- What? Arthur?
- No one can resist a bit of Arthur.

Right, kiss him.

If you feel anything,
Arthur's erection not included, you're gay.

If not, you're straight.

He's not really my type.

Kiss him. It's the only way you'll know.

(SIGHING)

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

Oh.

That was quite nice. He smells of urine.

You call that a kiss?

Well, I'm a bit shy. It's me first gay experience.

Just do it!

I can't, I can't...

I'll call you back.

Donna, I...

Oh, God, it's you.

Don't "Oh, God, it's you" me.

Not after you hurled a big blob of chav
up my classiness.

What are you talking about?

You are the father of my baby.

You're pregnant? Well, it's not mine.

It must be yours.

I've never shagged you.

Oh, so you're saying it's the immaculate
conception, that I'm carrying the son of God?

It's not an immaculate conception.

So, you admit it's yours.

No.

Well, there's only one way we can find out
if it was you who got fruity on my booty.

You're going to have to touch my bosom.

All right.

The only thing I can remember about my lover
was the particular way he touched my bosom.

Come on, what are we waiting for?

I can't, I can't do it to Donna. I just can't.

- She's like family to me.
- No, not you.

I've got it. We'll have a siege.

A siege?

Yes. A bunch of us will stay in the pub
and we won't leave till we get what we want.

Janet, that's a lock-in.

No.

Because I'll say, "This is a siege."

Oh, my good God.

What?

You!

You look like someone from that London.

I'm embracing my sexuality, Janet.

As a gay man,
I'd ask you not to judge my lifestyle choices.

For the last time, Jonny, you are not gay.

You're just slightly effeminate.

But I must be. I can't stop thinking about Gaz.

About how much I hurt him when we fought.

Well, that's just guilt, you don't fancy him.

But I really miss him, and I really wanna see him,
and talk to him, and have a drink with him and...

- Kiss his willy?
- Ew, no!

Because you're not gay!

But...

Jonny, look, have you ever had
any sort of attraction towards a man?

Well, that's what I'm saying,
I'm attracted to Gaz, I mean...

You know, I wanna have a pint and a chat with
him. Those are all the symptoms of being gay.

Plus, you know, he is a good looking bloke.

Yes, but that's just friendship, Jonny.
You love him because he's your friend.

And anyone can see he's good looking.

Actually, he's much better naked.

- Oh.
- Sorry.

So...

What do I do?

Well, you go home,
you get out of those ridiculous clothes

and then you go
and make it up to your friend, Gaz.

Oh, and get him down here for a pint.

In fact, round up as many people as you can.

We're going to go under siege
like that film on the ship...

Titanic.

Oh, Donna, how's Dion?

I had to spend an hour cuddling him.

Cuddling! Ew!

He's frightened, Gaz, he wouldn't stop crying.

He was frightened of me?

God, I feel dreadful.

Well, I left him in the park to kick some pigeons.

Can't believe you upset my brother.
You know, he's family, Gaz.

Family, do you know what that means?

Yeah, I do, I didn't think you did.

Well, I don't.

I hate family. Family are bastards.

Yeah. Then why did you go running after him then,
when you thought he was hurt?

I don't know.

Well, we talked a bit.

About Mum.

All the funny little things she used to do.

Like putting two lumps of speed in her tea
instead of sugar.

Or forgetting our names,
or the fact that we existed.

Or needed food.

Yeah?

And how she used to say,
"You don't need family. Family are bastards."

Ah, shit.

Yep, you are very like her.

Oh, God, I've been such a dick.

I do wanna be part of a family, just not that one.

You can be a part of mine if you like.

No, yours is pretty crappy, too.

No, no, I mean...

You know, you can be a part of ours,
you know, me and you.

What, like a new family?

After everything I put you through?

Turning down your proposals and your... sperm.

Yeah, after all that.

Okay.

Gary Wilkinson...

Yeah?

I'm really sorry I never realised how important
you were to me before,

but now, now I do.

So, will you marry me?

God, I don't know what to say.

You know, it's such a big decision, I mean,
I'm not sure at this stage of my career

if I'm ready for that kind of obligation, you know.

- What?
- Ha, ha, ha, see!

Now you know what it feels like.
Not very nice, is it?

'Ave it, Henshaw!

Come here.

- Of course I'll marry you, you prick.
- Oh!

You know what, Gaz, we're gonna be so happy
with just you, and me

and Dion.

You what?

Excuse me, young man.

Look, I'm 45, all right? I've got ID.

Okay.

Mr Bhattacharya.

Sorry to inconvenience you.

Get lost, bird.

That is not the kind of language I expect
from a... man of the cloth.

Kelly, leave him be.

This is a siege.

- Ciao!
- Louise, brilliant.

This is a siege.

Oh, I love a good siege.

Oh, really?

No, you tit. Don't you people get me?

Oh!

All right, slutty.

Oh, my God, it's you, the father.

Father Bhattacharya.

Oh, yeah.

Once they've had a bit of Dion,
they're hooked for life.

I need a word with you about responsibility.

Suck my fat hairy cock.

All right. Come on, guys,
we need a volunteer to be shackled to the pump.

I'm already on it.

Oh, God.

Look, Janet,
I know we've not been getting along recently...

Look, I don't care. Just stay for the siege.

You love me?

Yep.

And I miss you.

I want you back, Gaz.

That's the gayest thing I've ever heard.

No, no, right. Janet explained it all to me.

There's nothing more beautiful than
the love between a man and another man.

No. There's nothing more beautiful than the love
between a man, a man,

a man, another man and a very dirty woman.

Gaz, I'm just asking you to be my friend.

Course I'll be your friend. Come here,
you big closet homosexual. I love you, too.

And I'm not gay!

Hello, there, sir!

You look like the type of man
who'd like to be tied to a pump.

- Yes, I am.
- Well, then come here and be shackled.

No, we've come to close the pub.
Orders from the brewery.

Well, you may try and close this pub,

but this is a siege.

Yeah, we're staying here
until we die of alcohol poisoning.

Yeah, until they show Brokeback Mountain
on terrestrial telly.

See? My customers are loyal
and we are not leaving!

Well, it says here that during the safety inspection
we found asbestos, carcinogens

and a rare form of bacteria
that can make your eyes turn inside out.

No. No!

Guys...

(YOU RAISE ME UP BY WESTLIFE PLAYING)

Is it dusty?

Daddy!

Let me look at you.

You asked for this.

- Oops.
- Oh!

Oh, shit.

Ta da!

(YELPING)

Once you're out, you're out!

What the bloody hell is going on in my family?

Mmm. Cheeky.

Moi?

So I thought the right thing to do
was to put me stamp on her with me sperm.

Yo.

To recovery!

(SCREAMING)

Fight, fight, fight!