Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 2, Episode 1 - On the Blob - full transcript
Donna discovers that she is not pregnant after all,which comes as a disappointment to Gaz,who had hoped fatherhood would make him more responsible. However Janet persuades him that he can still be responsible without a child. He decides to show Donna his romantic side by inviting her to the 'best drinking establishment in town',which turns out to be a can of lager in his garage. Louise's psychic predictions fall flat once more after she has encouraged Jonny to become a mime.
♪ Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
(WHISPERS) Janet? Janet?
Janet?
(RUSTLING)
Janet!
Why is that tree attacking our house?
Janet! Janet!
(GLASS SMASHES)
That's Donna.
- You think we should approach her?
- Well...
(BOTH YELL IN SURPRISE)
Gaz!
Gaz!
What's the matter? Why've you been crying?
Why was Gaz running down the road naked?
- Why didn't I get a proper look?
- God, Janet. It's awful.
You better come in.
(JONNY) Gaz! Gaz!
Gaz, will you stop?
Gaz, what's wrong?
What's the matter with you?
Gaz! Will you cover yourself up?
You'll get frostbite in your nipples.
They'll drop off
and you'll look like Action Man.
- What's wrong?
- You know how Janet isn't pregnant?
Yeah. I'm happy, but I don't
run around in me undercrackers.
- I just found out the opposite.
- Janet IS pregnant?
- No, Donna is.
- Well, that's not the opposite.
- Did you not hear what I said?
- I know, Donna's pregnant, but...
Oh, bugger.
There you go. A cup of tea'll sort you out.
- Janet, I'm in serious trouble.
- Why? You been caught shoplifting?
That was years ago, and it was only a prawn.
What, then? You're not pregnant, are you?
Bingo.
Oh, bugger.
She's definitely pregnant?
I think so. She's definitely hinting at it.
Well... maybe she's faking it
to get you to marry her.
Oh, right. And when it's due,
she just takes a dump on the delivery table.
"Sorry. It appears Mr Kipling's the father."
She could hide her periods from you.
Where's she gonna hide
her periods? In the fridge?
That's one black pudding
you don't want to come across.
She could just wear really big pants -
gigantapants.
- I should start marketing them.
- What are you talking about?!
Well, I'm just thinking,
if Janet really was pregnant, I'd have to...
Stop sponging off society like a skanky whore?
I was gonna say "get a job", but that covers it.
You haven't got any qualifications.
I have a degree in fun
and a masters in hellraising.
- Friggin' fool.
- Your girlfriend's up the duff. Nerr!
- What is a duff?
- I'm not sure.
I think it's a cross between a puff and a duck.
Like a gay mallard.
"Up the gay mallard"
doesn't have the same ring.
- You have to talk to Gaz.
- Have you tried?
It's just grunting and farting,
then he falls asleep.
Just sounds like sex to me.
That's just it. We never got round to talking.
- What do you use? Semaphore?
- No.
I go to his flat, and we do it.
I have a cheese barm,
he cleans up the cream, and I go home.
- So all you do is have sex?
- Yeah.
- He does all the cleaning?
- Yeah.
- You don't have to watch football.
- He insists I don't.
You lucky wanker!
Rock me, Amadeus!
(BOTH YELL)
Get off me, man! Am I that irresistible?
Free me from this web of beauty!
- You were cuddling me!
- Your hair smells like macadamia nuts.
- It's very inviting.
- Gaz!
You're very cuddly. Like a bear. You are.
All right, a big heterosexual bear
with teeth and claws... and a moustache.
Gaz! Let's forget this ever happened.
We aren't confused. We've both got girlfriends.
It was a sleepy accident.
- Right, OK... sweetie.
- Get off!
I say we've both got girlfriends.
Yours has run away, 'cause you're a big baby.
- Well, you haven't got a job.
- I'm gonna get one.
- Where?
- I need something physical yet creative.
Challenging yet... bootilicious.
You're gonna strip, aren't you?
You won't get a job. You love "Kilroy"
and "Watercolour Challenge" too much.
Well, you won't phone Donna 'cause you
like being a cowardy custard too much.
- You think I should phone her?
- When I thought Janet was pregnant,
I ignored it, and it went away.
- That's a good rule for most problems.
- It sounds good to me.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- It's Donna!
Hide me, Jonny! Hide me, man!
- Get in there.
- Don't be stupid, man!
I can't have this baby.
It's gonna ruin my life forever.
Think of the benefits of having a baby.
I have.
Love and satisfaction and pride, even.
No, the benefits. Child benefit,
family credit, housing benefit...
- It's just waiting for you.
- That's just wrong.
Everybody does it.
We've given plenty to our country.
Do you know what the tax is on fags and beer?
- I'll have to talk to me mum.
- There's a council house in it.
You can get an inside bog with twins.
Different fathers and the sky's the limit.
Very nice. See you later.
Gaz! I know you're in there.
Your pheromones are interfering with me.
(YELPS)
- All right, Louise?
- Hello, Jonny.
Hand, please.
(GASPS) The poverty!
What do you want, Louise?
I came to see Donna. Is she here?
- No, she's not.
- Oh, you'll do, then.
I had this weird dream last night
that Donna had a baby and...
What?
You're psychic! Oh, my God. This is amazing!
Man, that's well scary.
Wait. Wait. The baby was cute, wasn't it?
It had the head of a walrus.
So it's not mine. Donna's doing it
with marine life behind my back.
This has happened before.
I always knew my gift would return.
Ever since I was 13
and I dreamed I saw cornflakes and milk,
and there was
an overpowering smell of ammonia.
- So?
- Well, the next morning I awoke,
drifted down for breakfast,
and on the table was cornflakes...
and guess what else?
- Kriss Akabusi?
- No. Milk!
- What about the smell of ammonia?
- Oh, my great aunt was visiting.
She's always pissing herself. Such a character!
- Well, you've really done it this time.
- I know I've failed you.
No, I mean you've really done it.
I thought you were a virgin! Well done!
Mum!
I bet he's into S & M.
I could lend you my rubber catsuit.
You'd just have to disinfect it first.
Did you not hear what I said? I'm pregnant.
Did you not hear what I said.
It's rubber. It'll stretch.
This is deadly serious.
I need you to be there for me.
- What do you think of my hair?
- Mum.
All right. It is lovely, though, in't it?
Right... Do you know your due date?
- I've not seen the doctor yet.
- You need it for when your waters break.
- Really?
- That Wimpy's still got a slippery floor.
Urgh, Mum!
Bit of advice. Never trust the salad bar.
They may have a sneeze-guard,
but it's no match for embryotic fluid.
Ooh-ooh!
(BOTH) Ooh-ooh!
Whoo! Bllblblblbl!
Whoo! Bllblblblbl!
- (GASPS)
- Ooh, 'ere y'are!
- Hiya.
- Hiya. Shh!
What you all doing?
Gaz, why aren't you with Donna?
I had to come here. Quick.
Louise, do it again. This is amazing.
- Oh, God, is she gonna dance?
- Just watch.
Last night I dreamed that Donna was pregnant.
- Oh, my God! How'd you know that?
- I'm psychic. I often suspected I was,
ever since an old gypsy woman
said that I was gifted.
That was my nan. She didn't say
you were gifted. She said you were a git.
She is psychic!
Predict next week's lottery numbers.
- I bet she can.
- That's one thing us psychics cannot do.
- Why's that, then?
- Because it's 14 million-to-one odds!
I'll prove it.
Louise, tell me what I'm thinking.
- You dirty Gerty!
- See?
All right. What am I thinking?
That you should stop being such a scruffy tramp
and get yourself a job, you big scav.
- See?
- Spirits work in strange ways.
You're getting a job? Thank God.
- I'm thinking about it...
- Shut up! What did Donna say last night?
- About what?
- About go-karts.
The spirits are telling me
he's asking about the baby, Janet.
And are these spirits
called "Ner" and "Obviously", Louise?
Did she say anything about me?
- Well, you're definitely the father.
- She's sure?
She could have sat on something by accident.
No, she didn't mention
sitting on an ejaculating man recently.
- Did she say what she'll do?
- You don't know?!
- She's the woman!
- You're the man!
Janet, that's pronounced "you da man".
Gaz, she's had to go
to her mum for support on this one.
Can you remember the last time
you communicated with Donna?
Yeah, I can remember the exact conversation.
Well, I said, "Yes."
She said, "Yes. Yes."
Then I said, "Oh, baby, yes."
Then she said, "Yes."
Then I rebuttaled with, "Yes."
Then she said, "Yes. Yes! Yes!"
I said, "Can you pass the tissues?"
She said, "Yes."
Not the deepest of relationships.
- Have you ever taken her on a date?
- She's never taken me on one.
Oh, the equality card. Well played, Gaz.
- Jonny, do the ironing.
- Damn you, equality card.
Jonny, wait! I have a message
for you from the other side.
- Oh, yeah?
- It's about your job.
I see you dressed in a black suit,
and there is a crowd around you.
People are giving you money,
and your face is solemn and ashen.
- What, like a bank manager?
- No, no. Hold on.
I know what Louise is saying. Yeah.
The spirits have spoken, and I must follow.
You big tosser!
- Go and see Donna. She's with her mum.
- Why?!
You need to know the mother
of your child a bit better...
you big tosser!
There was a time
you could smoke near pregnant women.
- Well, it's frowned upon now.
- My mother smoked. Never harmed her.
You've got six toes on each foot.
- How long does this thing take?
- Two minutes. One line for no, two for yeah.
- I can tell you're pregnant. You can see it.
- What, the glow already?
No, your ankles.
I've never seen anything so puffy.
You need draining.
- Mother!
- Like grapefruits on a knitting needle.
It must be ready. Have a look.
I've had nothing to do with your urine
for 20 years! I'm not starting now!
- I can't tell.
- Oh, let's see.
No, I can't either. That could be a water line.
- Yeah.
- Or you could be a bit pregnant.
- Just the inciest bit.
- I'm gonna have to go to the doctor's.
No... No...
No. When did you last have sex?
- I'm not telling you.
- I'll work it out for meself, then.
You waxed your bikini line
two Wednesdays past...
- How'd you know that?
- I've no special interest,
but your Imac strips
stick to the waste paper bin.
- Mum...
- It's like spiders revolting against wicker.
- So?
- So... if you waxed,
you planned to have sex the following night.
- Hmm.
- You could be onto something there.
- How's your bikini line now?
- Right. Let me think.
When did I last see my own clout?
Well, this morning,
I was thinking, "What pants?"
- What Pants? That a fetish mag?
- Shh!
And I remember thinking, "They've got
to be nice, because I'm going out...
"but they've also
got to be big and black because..."
- Yes?
- Because I'm due on my period today.
So you're not pregnant, then?
You bloody idiot! Give us a fag!
Jonny?
Pub now!
Oh, you look a twat!
Jonny, sit down! This is worse
than when you called yourself Daddy Cool.
I haven't a clue what you're doing,
so I'm gonna kill you.
- I'm a mime artist!
- A what?!
- Do you remember what Louise said?
- That you'd wear black and... Oh, my God!
Got it in one, matey.
Jonny, everybody's laughin'. It looks bad on me.
They won't be laughin'
when I'm performing for children.
Wearing an outfit that tight,
you shouldn't be allowed near children.
- I don't know how Donna is.
- See? You understood.
- I'm getting good. I could go on telly.
- Yeah, you could advertise men's leotards.
- There's a huge demand for them!
- Well, you should be with Donna.
Dutch courage. I'll go after this Guinness.
Ooh, ooh! Guinness.
Do I look like a pint of Guinness?
No, you still look like a twat.
I'm just trying to take responsibility.
After the pregnancy scare,
I realised I need to get more stable.
You know,
get meself a job an' that. Get serious.
Look at the state of you, though!
You need a proper job.
I'm being responsible.
If Donna keeps this baby,
I'm gonna have to dress like you.
A mime artist? We could perform together.
I'm talking about taking responsibility,
not wearing something
so tight it kills me sperm.
- Cheers.
- Shut it.
- Cheers for comin' over.
- Thanks for inviting me.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- So...
- So...
- You gonna ask me or what, Gaz?
- Er, yeah. Um...
OK. Um...
Are? Are you?
Are you? Are you?
Am? I mean, am I? Am I gonna be a...
...a cake?
- Gaz.
- Sorry. I'm just a bit nervous.
- I don't know you that well.
- Well enough to sleep with me.
I know a tub of Utterly Butterly
well enough to sleep with.
Just relax, then ask me. Ready?
- OK, hang on.
- Right. Go on.
Aaaa...
- Aaaa...
- Are you having a stroke?
- Are y?
- Either ask me or I inflict pain.
Not the nice, spanky kind of pain,
the inserting things into you kind of pain.
All right. All right. Um... OK. Um...
- What you gonna do with the baby?
- What do you think I should do?
I respect your decision.
Whatever you want is fine by me.
I'm a responsible adult who doesn't mime.
Good for you.
- What if I wanted to keep it?
- That'd be good and, um...
and decisive, and it'd be good.
- If I wanted to get rid of it?
- Well, I'd support you
and wouldn't judge you for murdering my son.
That's nice.
- And your intentions would be?
- Honourable.
- Honourable?
- I'd have to adjust a bit, but I...
I could probably marry you.
- Are you askin' me?
- Well, that's what they do in "Heartbeat".
- Gaz.
- All right. Not marriage, then,
but I could take responsibility for you.
You could move in here.
I'd work double shifts to make it work,
and you'd stay at home
with the baby and bake.
- Bake?
- Yeah... No, that's "Heartbeat" again.
Gary...
I could be a proper father figure,
like the one I never had.
- I could be Patrick Duffy.
- Oh!
I got my dates mixed up.
I'm not pregnant. At all.
Jonny, will you please take that stupid suit off?
I'm sure the spirits didn't mean
for you to bulge so unpleasantly.
Blblblblb!
Shut up! If you're a psychic,
tell me something about me I never told you.
- You had a turbulent childhood.
- My God, you are psychic.
- You are also at a crossroads in your life.
- I am.
And your boyfriend eats cat food.
No. No, that one's not true... is it?
- Jonny?
- Ooh! I'm scaring myself now!
Why would you have cat food?
You don't have a cat.
- You're the psychic.
- Because there was a two-for-one offer?
- No.
- You bought a tin without a label.
- Just drop it, OK?
- It's because...
I like the taste, OK?
It's the meaty chunks in jelly. I can't resist!
Between collecting toenail clippings
and cat food consumption,
you're the most disgusting couple I've met.
Where's Gaz and Donna?
Look into the crystal ashtray.
OK. I can see them.
They're in Gaz's flat. They're laughing.
They're so happy,
and they're eating fried chicken.
So happy about their new baby. Over the moon.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
(SOBS)
Gaz! He was like this this morning.
He's insatiable for Jonny.
- Is he still crying?
- What happened?
Well... I started my period.
For the first time? Are you 12 or something?
Donna, that is brilliant! Well done!
No, it's not. I really wanted to be a dad.
I wanted to be a responsible adult... manly man.
I started looking forward to it.
The birth and... the afterbirth.
My gifts have been removed from me.
Stolen. This is so upsetting.
Cheer up. The spirits might not have said it,
but you made Jonny look like a wanker.
I just wanted a bit of stability in me booze,
babes and... bassoon lifestyle.
I want responsibility.
I want to be like Patrick Duffy.
You can get that from a loving relationship.
Yeah?
- Will you marry me?
- Will I buggery!
- Will you marry me?
- I'm promised to my father's cousin.
- Arranged marriage.
- You're Church of England.
Shh! It's my only way
of getting rid of thick blokes.
Gaz, you don't need to get married to grow up.
Get to know your girlfriend
before you marry someone else.
Like Prince Charles.
- You think that'd work?
- It's worth a try.
OK.
Um... I've never asked you this,
and it'll sound a bit weird,
'cause we've been shagging for a month,
but, um... would you like to go
for a drink with me some time?
- God, that sounded old.
- I'd love to, Gaz.
Yeah? Well, I'll meet you
at the garage at eight o'clock on Tuesday,
and I'll escort you to the finest
drinking establishment there is.
- Wear that pearl necklace I gave you.
- Oh, Gaz!
What?! It's a special gift
from the bottom of me sack.
Ah! Like Father Christmas!
- Hello.
- All right, love?
So, where you taking me tonight, then?
Somewhere grown-up and sophisticated.
- You what?
- Well, we're having a grown-up relationship.
That means wine bars and stuff.
No. I've just got to talk
to you as well as give you one.
Probably save time doing both at once. Pringle?
One thousand pounds.
One thousand pounds!
A thousand pounds! Oh, my God!
He's buying me an engagement ring.
Do you think
we'll get married and have some sex?
I'm not sure about the first.
We hardly know each other.
But the second one's
a dead cert, is it? Come on, my son!
♪ I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it
♪ And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now
♪ Just think I'll wait a while
♪ I'll have a pint of lager, please!
♪ And a pack of flakeys ♪
(WHISPERS) Janet? Janet?
Janet?
(RUSTLING)
Janet!
Why is that tree attacking our house?
Janet! Janet!
(GLASS SMASHES)
That's Donna.
- You think we should approach her?
- Well...
(BOTH YELL IN SURPRISE)
Gaz!
Gaz!
What's the matter? Why've you been crying?
Why was Gaz running down the road naked?
- Why didn't I get a proper look?
- God, Janet. It's awful.
You better come in.
(JONNY) Gaz! Gaz!
Gaz, will you stop?
Gaz, what's wrong?
What's the matter with you?
Gaz! Will you cover yourself up?
You'll get frostbite in your nipples.
They'll drop off
and you'll look like Action Man.
- What's wrong?
- You know how Janet isn't pregnant?
Yeah. I'm happy, but I don't
run around in me undercrackers.
- I just found out the opposite.
- Janet IS pregnant?
- No, Donna is.
- Well, that's not the opposite.
- Did you not hear what I said?
- I know, Donna's pregnant, but...
Oh, bugger.
There you go. A cup of tea'll sort you out.
- Janet, I'm in serious trouble.
- Why? You been caught shoplifting?
That was years ago, and it was only a prawn.
What, then? You're not pregnant, are you?
Bingo.
Oh, bugger.
She's definitely pregnant?
I think so. She's definitely hinting at it.
Well... maybe she's faking it
to get you to marry her.
Oh, right. And when it's due,
she just takes a dump on the delivery table.
"Sorry. It appears Mr Kipling's the father."
She could hide her periods from you.
Where's she gonna hide
her periods? In the fridge?
That's one black pudding
you don't want to come across.
She could just wear really big pants -
gigantapants.
- I should start marketing them.
- What are you talking about?!
Well, I'm just thinking,
if Janet really was pregnant, I'd have to...
Stop sponging off society like a skanky whore?
I was gonna say "get a job", but that covers it.
You haven't got any qualifications.
I have a degree in fun
and a masters in hellraising.
- Friggin' fool.
- Your girlfriend's up the duff. Nerr!
- What is a duff?
- I'm not sure.
I think it's a cross between a puff and a duck.
Like a gay mallard.
"Up the gay mallard"
doesn't have the same ring.
- You have to talk to Gaz.
- Have you tried?
It's just grunting and farting,
then he falls asleep.
Just sounds like sex to me.
That's just it. We never got round to talking.
- What do you use? Semaphore?
- No.
I go to his flat, and we do it.
I have a cheese barm,
he cleans up the cream, and I go home.
- So all you do is have sex?
- Yeah.
- He does all the cleaning?
- Yeah.
- You don't have to watch football.
- He insists I don't.
You lucky wanker!
Rock me, Amadeus!
(BOTH YELL)
Get off me, man! Am I that irresistible?
Free me from this web of beauty!
- You were cuddling me!
- Your hair smells like macadamia nuts.
- It's very inviting.
- Gaz!
You're very cuddly. Like a bear. You are.
All right, a big heterosexual bear
with teeth and claws... and a moustache.
Gaz! Let's forget this ever happened.
We aren't confused. We've both got girlfriends.
It was a sleepy accident.
- Right, OK... sweetie.
- Get off!
I say we've both got girlfriends.
Yours has run away, 'cause you're a big baby.
- Well, you haven't got a job.
- I'm gonna get one.
- Where?
- I need something physical yet creative.
Challenging yet... bootilicious.
You're gonna strip, aren't you?
You won't get a job. You love "Kilroy"
and "Watercolour Challenge" too much.
Well, you won't phone Donna 'cause you
like being a cowardy custard too much.
- You think I should phone her?
- When I thought Janet was pregnant,
I ignored it, and it went away.
- That's a good rule for most problems.
- It sounds good to me.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- It's Donna!
Hide me, Jonny! Hide me, man!
- Get in there.
- Don't be stupid, man!
I can't have this baby.
It's gonna ruin my life forever.
Think of the benefits of having a baby.
I have.
Love and satisfaction and pride, even.
No, the benefits. Child benefit,
family credit, housing benefit...
- It's just waiting for you.
- That's just wrong.
Everybody does it.
We've given plenty to our country.
Do you know what the tax is on fags and beer?
- I'll have to talk to me mum.
- There's a council house in it.
You can get an inside bog with twins.
Different fathers and the sky's the limit.
Very nice. See you later.
Gaz! I know you're in there.
Your pheromones are interfering with me.
(YELPS)
- All right, Louise?
- Hello, Jonny.
Hand, please.
(GASPS) The poverty!
What do you want, Louise?
I came to see Donna. Is she here?
- No, she's not.
- Oh, you'll do, then.
I had this weird dream last night
that Donna had a baby and...
What?
You're psychic! Oh, my God. This is amazing!
Man, that's well scary.
Wait. Wait. The baby was cute, wasn't it?
It had the head of a walrus.
So it's not mine. Donna's doing it
with marine life behind my back.
This has happened before.
I always knew my gift would return.
Ever since I was 13
and I dreamed I saw cornflakes and milk,
and there was
an overpowering smell of ammonia.
- So?
- Well, the next morning I awoke,
drifted down for breakfast,
and on the table was cornflakes...
and guess what else?
- Kriss Akabusi?
- No. Milk!
- What about the smell of ammonia?
- Oh, my great aunt was visiting.
She's always pissing herself. Such a character!
- Well, you've really done it this time.
- I know I've failed you.
No, I mean you've really done it.
I thought you were a virgin! Well done!
Mum!
I bet he's into S & M.
I could lend you my rubber catsuit.
You'd just have to disinfect it first.
Did you not hear what I said? I'm pregnant.
Did you not hear what I said.
It's rubber. It'll stretch.
This is deadly serious.
I need you to be there for me.
- What do you think of my hair?
- Mum.
All right. It is lovely, though, in't it?
Right... Do you know your due date?
- I've not seen the doctor yet.
- You need it for when your waters break.
- Really?
- That Wimpy's still got a slippery floor.
Urgh, Mum!
Bit of advice. Never trust the salad bar.
They may have a sneeze-guard,
but it's no match for embryotic fluid.
Ooh-ooh!
(BOTH) Ooh-ooh!
Whoo! Bllblblblbl!
Whoo! Bllblblblbl!
- (GASPS)
- Ooh, 'ere y'are!
- Hiya.
- Hiya. Shh!
What you all doing?
Gaz, why aren't you with Donna?
I had to come here. Quick.
Louise, do it again. This is amazing.
- Oh, God, is she gonna dance?
- Just watch.
Last night I dreamed that Donna was pregnant.
- Oh, my God! How'd you know that?
- I'm psychic. I often suspected I was,
ever since an old gypsy woman
said that I was gifted.
That was my nan. She didn't say
you were gifted. She said you were a git.
She is psychic!
Predict next week's lottery numbers.
- I bet she can.
- That's one thing us psychics cannot do.
- Why's that, then?
- Because it's 14 million-to-one odds!
I'll prove it.
Louise, tell me what I'm thinking.
- You dirty Gerty!
- See?
All right. What am I thinking?
That you should stop being such a scruffy tramp
and get yourself a job, you big scav.
- See?
- Spirits work in strange ways.
You're getting a job? Thank God.
- I'm thinking about it...
- Shut up! What did Donna say last night?
- About what?
- About go-karts.
The spirits are telling me
he's asking about the baby, Janet.
And are these spirits
called "Ner" and "Obviously", Louise?
Did she say anything about me?
- Well, you're definitely the father.
- She's sure?
She could have sat on something by accident.
No, she didn't mention
sitting on an ejaculating man recently.
- Did she say what she'll do?
- You don't know?!
- She's the woman!
- You're the man!
Janet, that's pronounced "you da man".
Gaz, she's had to go
to her mum for support on this one.
Can you remember the last time
you communicated with Donna?
Yeah, I can remember the exact conversation.
Well, I said, "Yes."
She said, "Yes. Yes."
Then I said, "Oh, baby, yes."
Then she said, "Yes."
Then I rebuttaled with, "Yes."
Then she said, "Yes. Yes! Yes!"
I said, "Can you pass the tissues?"
She said, "Yes."
Not the deepest of relationships.
- Have you ever taken her on a date?
- She's never taken me on one.
Oh, the equality card. Well played, Gaz.
- Jonny, do the ironing.
- Damn you, equality card.
Jonny, wait! I have a message
for you from the other side.
- Oh, yeah?
- It's about your job.
I see you dressed in a black suit,
and there is a crowd around you.
People are giving you money,
and your face is solemn and ashen.
- What, like a bank manager?
- No, no. Hold on.
I know what Louise is saying. Yeah.
The spirits have spoken, and I must follow.
You big tosser!
- Go and see Donna. She's with her mum.
- Why?!
You need to know the mother
of your child a bit better...
you big tosser!
There was a time
you could smoke near pregnant women.
- Well, it's frowned upon now.
- My mother smoked. Never harmed her.
You've got six toes on each foot.
- How long does this thing take?
- Two minutes. One line for no, two for yeah.
- I can tell you're pregnant. You can see it.
- What, the glow already?
No, your ankles.
I've never seen anything so puffy.
You need draining.
- Mother!
- Like grapefruits on a knitting needle.
It must be ready. Have a look.
I've had nothing to do with your urine
for 20 years! I'm not starting now!
- I can't tell.
- Oh, let's see.
No, I can't either. That could be a water line.
- Yeah.
- Or you could be a bit pregnant.
- Just the inciest bit.
- I'm gonna have to go to the doctor's.
No... No...
No. When did you last have sex?
- I'm not telling you.
- I'll work it out for meself, then.
You waxed your bikini line
two Wednesdays past...
- How'd you know that?
- I've no special interest,
but your Imac strips
stick to the waste paper bin.
- Mum...
- It's like spiders revolting against wicker.
- So?
- So... if you waxed,
you planned to have sex the following night.
- Hmm.
- You could be onto something there.
- How's your bikini line now?
- Right. Let me think.
When did I last see my own clout?
Well, this morning,
I was thinking, "What pants?"
- What Pants? That a fetish mag?
- Shh!
And I remember thinking, "They've got
to be nice, because I'm going out...
"but they've also
got to be big and black because..."
- Yes?
- Because I'm due on my period today.
So you're not pregnant, then?
You bloody idiot! Give us a fag!
Jonny?
Pub now!
Oh, you look a twat!
Jonny, sit down! This is worse
than when you called yourself Daddy Cool.
I haven't a clue what you're doing,
so I'm gonna kill you.
- I'm a mime artist!
- A what?!
- Do you remember what Louise said?
- That you'd wear black and... Oh, my God!
Got it in one, matey.
Jonny, everybody's laughin'. It looks bad on me.
They won't be laughin'
when I'm performing for children.
Wearing an outfit that tight,
you shouldn't be allowed near children.
- I don't know how Donna is.
- See? You understood.
- I'm getting good. I could go on telly.
- Yeah, you could advertise men's leotards.
- There's a huge demand for them!
- Well, you should be with Donna.
Dutch courage. I'll go after this Guinness.
Ooh, ooh! Guinness.
Do I look like a pint of Guinness?
No, you still look like a twat.
I'm just trying to take responsibility.
After the pregnancy scare,
I realised I need to get more stable.
You know,
get meself a job an' that. Get serious.
Look at the state of you, though!
You need a proper job.
I'm being responsible.
If Donna keeps this baby,
I'm gonna have to dress like you.
A mime artist? We could perform together.
I'm talking about taking responsibility,
not wearing something
so tight it kills me sperm.
- Cheers.
- Shut it.
- Cheers for comin' over.
- Thanks for inviting me.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- So...
- So...
- You gonna ask me or what, Gaz?
- Er, yeah. Um...
OK. Um...
Are? Are you?
Are you? Are you?
Am? I mean, am I? Am I gonna be a...
...a cake?
- Gaz.
- Sorry. I'm just a bit nervous.
- I don't know you that well.
- Well enough to sleep with me.
I know a tub of Utterly Butterly
well enough to sleep with.
Just relax, then ask me. Ready?
- OK, hang on.
- Right. Go on.
Aaaa...
- Aaaa...
- Are you having a stroke?
- Are y?
- Either ask me or I inflict pain.
Not the nice, spanky kind of pain,
the inserting things into you kind of pain.
All right. All right. Um... OK. Um...
- What you gonna do with the baby?
- What do you think I should do?
I respect your decision.
Whatever you want is fine by me.
I'm a responsible adult who doesn't mime.
Good for you.
- What if I wanted to keep it?
- That'd be good and, um...
and decisive, and it'd be good.
- If I wanted to get rid of it?
- Well, I'd support you
and wouldn't judge you for murdering my son.
That's nice.
- And your intentions would be?
- Honourable.
- Honourable?
- I'd have to adjust a bit, but I...
I could probably marry you.
- Are you askin' me?
- Well, that's what they do in "Heartbeat".
- Gaz.
- All right. Not marriage, then,
but I could take responsibility for you.
You could move in here.
I'd work double shifts to make it work,
and you'd stay at home
with the baby and bake.
- Bake?
- Yeah... No, that's "Heartbeat" again.
Gary...
I could be a proper father figure,
like the one I never had.
- I could be Patrick Duffy.
- Oh!
I got my dates mixed up.
I'm not pregnant. At all.
Jonny, will you please take that stupid suit off?
I'm sure the spirits didn't mean
for you to bulge so unpleasantly.
Blblblblb!
Shut up! If you're a psychic,
tell me something about me I never told you.
- You had a turbulent childhood.
- My God, you are psychic.
- You are also at a crossroads in your life.
- I am.
And your boyfriend eats cat food.
No. No, that one's not true... is it?
- Jonny?
- Ooh! I'm scaring myself now!
Why would you have cat food?
You don't have a cat.
- You're the psychic.
- Because there was a two-for-one offer?
- No.
- You bought a tin without a label.
- Just drop it, OK?
- It's because...
I like the taste, OK?
It's the meaty chunks in jelly. I can't resist!
Between collecting toenail clippings
and cat food consumption,
you're the most disgusting couple I've met.
Where's Gaz and Donna?
Look into the crystal ashtray.
OK. I can see them.
They're in Gaz's flat. They're laughing.
They're so happy,
and they're eating fried chicken.
So happy about their new baby. Over the moon.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
(SOBS)
Gaz! He was like this this morning.
He's insatiable for Jonny.
- Is he still crying?
- What happened?
Well... I started my period.
For the first time? Are you 12 or something?
Donna, that is brilliant! Well done!
No, it's not. I really wanted to be a dad.
I wanted to be a responsible adult... manly man.
I started looking forward to it.
The birth and... the afterbirth.
My gifts have been removed from me.
Stolen. This is so upsetting.
Cheer up. The spirits might not have said it,
but you made Jonny look like a wanker.
I just wanted a bit of stability in me booze,
babes and... bassoon lifestyle.
I want responsibility.
I want to be like Patrick Duffy.
You can get that from a loving relationship.
Yeah?
- Will you marry me?
- Will I buggery!
- Will you marry me?
- I'm promised to my father's cousin.
- Arranged marriage.
- You're Church of England.
Shh! It's my only way
of getting rid of thick blokes.
Gaz, you don't need to get married to grow up.
Get to know your girlfriend
before you marry someone else.
Like Prince Charles.
- You think that'd work?
- It's worth a try.
OK.
Um... I've never asked you this,
and it'll sound a bit weird,
'cause we've been shagging for a month,
but, um... would you like to go
for a drink with me some time?
- God, that sounded old.
- I'd love to, Gaz.
Yeah? Well, I'll meet you
at the garage at eight o'clock on Tuesday,
and I'll escort you to the finest
drinking establishment there is.
- Wear that pearl necklace I gave you.
- Oh, Gaz!
What?! It's a special gift
from the bottom of me sack.
Ah! Like Father Christmas!
- Hello.
- All right, love?
So, where you taking me tonight, then?
Somewhere grown-up and sophisticated.
- You what?
- Well, we're having a grown-up relationship.
That means wine bars and stuff.
No. I've just got to talk
to you as well as give you one.
Probably save time doing both at once. Pringle?
One thousand pounds.
One thousand pounds!
A thousand pounds! Oh, my God!
He's buying me an engagement ring.
Do you think
we'll get married and have some sex?
I'm not sure about the first.
We hardly know each other.
But the second one's
a dead cert, is it? Come on, my son!