Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (2001–2011): Season 1, Episode 1 - Fags, Shags and Kebabs - full transcript

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean
I can't handle anything stronger, now

#Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please!

# And a pack of flakeys #

Gaz, why haven't you got a girlfriend?

'Cause I like my freedom.
I'm a man of mystery. See all, say nothing.

Hey, yeah,
that's just like me nan, y'know?

Since her lobotomy, y'know?

Sees all, says nothing.



Eats a bit of shepherd's pie. Says nothing.

No, no. I go with the flow. Keep it casual.

Single dude with his mind on his...

Food?

If you had a girlfriend,
what would she be like?

Well, blonde. Definitely blonde.

- Never dated a brunette.
- How come?

I had Sue Lawley nightmares as a child.

- OK, so she's blonde. What else?
- Nice smile, y'know? Well-stocked fridge.

Takes me to the pictures
on me birthday. Has a Ford Mondeo.

And lets me stay out as late as I want.

You've just described your mother.

Eurgh.

Oh, no! I'm picturing me mum naked now.



Eurgh! Eurgh! Get out! Eurgh!!

- Oh, no, no, no, no! I am as well.
- (BOTH) Eurgh! Eurgh!

Ay up, we look like
we're auditioning for "Rain Man".

- Maybe I should get a girlfriend.
- Nah, nah.

Stay single, so that you can get me
out the house while Janet delouses the sofa.

Yeah, I'll stick to pornography. At least
it won't embarrass me down the pub.

- Donna?
- No.

Why?

- Janet.
- No.

Why?

- I'm a student. I can't afford cigarettes.
- Get a job, Louise.

- Finance your own lung cancer.
- I've never had a job.

- Like the Queen.
- Yeah, but with better hair.

There's a job going here.
You'd make a great barmaid, being Australian.

- I'm English, Donna.
- Yeah, sorry.

- Your capacity for alcohol confuses me.
- You're right, though.

I'd make a great barmaid,
even without experience.

"More wine, gentlemen?"
"Oh, capital idea."

"Cinzano, ladies?"
"Oh, you're spoiling us. Here's 20 quid."

Louise, it's the Mayhew. People are happy if
their beer doesn't taste too much like beef.

I'm going to apply.
I'll be the best barmaid ever.

And I'll buy us all a lovely box of fags.

I'd better be off, actually.
Jonny'll be home soon.

- I wish I had a boyfriend.
- You could easy get a boyfriend.

What about that Colin you went out with?

The drain guy? "I like you, Donna.
You're like a rat. It's all in the face."

- There are no men left.
- There's one on every street corner.

No, that's whores, Janet.

I know. Come home with me.
Jonny brings his mate Gaz back on Thursday.

- Is he nice?
- Conversation's not his strong point.

He's very masculine.
Commitment might be a problem.

- But Jonny said he was hung like a donkey.
- Sounds fine, then.

I've got an interview tomorrow.
"Pernod and black, ladies?"

No!

How did you get to keep Jonny?

I got into his head. It's amazing what a bit
of male psychological manipulation can do.

And getting my baps out didn't hurt, either.

- Hiya.
- You all right?

- Hello.
- Hello, baby.

Oh, Gaz, you haven't met Donna, have you?

- No.
- Yeah, you picked us up from football once.

Oh, right, yeah.
Didn't recognise you without the B.O.

So, you... still into your football, then?

I don't play as much since the injury.

- It was only a bruise.
- The doctor said I had a strained bollock.

That's the actual medical term, as well.

- Donna loves football, don't you?
- Oh, Man United. Howay the toon army!

- That's Newcastle.
- Well, you didn't let me finish.

- Howay the toon army... stinks.
- Well, I don't like Newcastle, either.

No. There's no Miss Selfridge's there.

Ignore him. He hasn't a clue about football.

God, I'm starving.
We should have picked up that curry.

Oh, Donna likes a curry, don't you?

Vindaloo, yeah. With... pickled
whole chillies on the side.

Christ! I wouldn't like
to see your bathroom the next morning.

- Not at all. Arse of steel, me.
- Yeah.

She could pass a cruise liner, our Donna.

- I've got to say I'm impressed.
- Really?

Yes, it's always impressive to men
when a girl's skill lies in crapping.

- Er... And she can drink, too.
- Oh, aye. Five pints, still standing.

- Five pints in't that much.
- Did I say five? I meant five... teen pints.

What a great bloke!

You're not gay, are you, love?

- No.
- Celibate, then?

- No.
- That's something you don't want to do.

Once you've dried up,
it never comes back.

I've got no intention of "drying up".

You know your Auntie Betty, the nun?
Creaks when she walks now.

Remember your cousin Jade's christening?
Betty, late, running into the church?

Sounded like a seal sanctuary.

Well, I'm not gay or celibate or... creaky.

What is it, then? Do you just repel men?

- I've got a date, actually.
- Don't wound me with desperate lies.

A mother knows.

- I'm not lying.
- So what's his name?

It's... Gaz.

Gaz? My God.

Sebastian or Toby too much to ask for?

- Well, they're Labrador names.
- Beggars can't be choosers.

Janet, it's me. Yeah, right. I need a man.

Well, what about Gaz?

Ah, well,
that's me first question answered.

- What?
- "Do you smoke?"

Oh, this? I've not got a habit or anything.

You've already smoked one down to the filter.

It's not mine.
I was finishing it for a friend.

But there's no one else here.

So either you have smoked that
entire cigarette in 30 seconds flat

or picked an old butt
out of the ashtray and...

I see.

Listen, can we start again, please?

Right. OK, fine.
First question. Do you smoke?

- No.
- OK.

- You ever worked in a bar before?
- Not exactly, but I used to play netball.

- Excuse me?
- Teamwork... See?

- OK, we've got lots of candidates to see...
- (SQUEALS)

That means you hate me, and I'm so nice.

Listen,
I really need this job. I'm a student.

We need someone
with experience who can be part of a team.

Ah-ha-ha!

- Lovely.
- Please. I can't afford to eat.

Here. This should
keep you going for an hour or so.

(MOANS)

'Ere y'are.

Gaz and Donna got on well.

I am not setting them up, all right?
Gaz does not want a girlfriend.

Cheers.

Well, if you don't do this for me,
Jonny, then... I will cry.

- Well, go on, then.
- Well, OK.

All right.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh...

(WAILS)

Jonny, look what you've done! Look...

(WAILS)

No, no, no, no!

No crying in the kitchen.
You'll upset my cosmic balance.

Well, until you ask Gaz out,
I'm not having sex with you.

I can hold out longer than any man I know.

Yeah, I know.

Look, I don't want Gaz to go out with Donna.

It'll be Scrabble evenings
and fondue parties,

and you'll follow us around making biscuits.

You love biscuits. Anyway, we could
all go to the circus together. It'd be fun.

No, it won't.
We'll turn into coupley couples.

It happened to Mum and Dad
and Mr and Mrs Pritchard.

First came the rambling weekends,
then the museum visits,

then they met other couples and started this
weird car key swapping thing on Friday night.

- That was a joke, wasn't it?
- What's so funny about that?

Nothing.

Jonny's definitely gonna ask Gaz, then?

Definitely. If he doesn't,
I'll tell Gaz what his favourite film is.

- What is it?
- "Titanic".

I don't know if it's simply Kate Winslet's
tits, but he's seen it 17 times.

17 times? That's more times
than I've seen naked men, that.

- How many have you seen?
- 16 and a half.

- Half?
- He only had one bollock.

Nice. Anyway,
with my expert blackmailing skills

and Jonny's
amazing power of persuasion,

the date is as good as secured.

- Gaz?
- Yeah?

- Do you wanna go out with Donna?
- No.

- Pint, then?
- Well, yeah.

- Two pints of lager.
- And a packet of crisps, please.

- Excuse me. Did Louise get the job?
- No.

- Why not?
- Well, she had a great set

and fantastic ball skills,
but she was also a complete dickhead.

She wants to be noted for her talents,
rather than her huge CV.

- (CAMP VOICE) How impressive (!)
- She puts out for a bag of peanuts.

So what does this Gaz do? Is he a doctor?

You girls with your modern ways
only get to meet doctors.

- Well, I don't know any doctors.
- You saw Dr Brent for your knicker trouble.

Mum, firstly I was 13.
Secondly, the problem was thrush.

The only knicker problem was
the nylon variety that you insisted I wear.

Well, you don't want a chill down there.

And don't say "thrush", say "little bird".

Although mine was more like
the greater burning yeast pigeon.

You'll never get a man with
a mouth like a hairy-arsed navvy.

I've told you, I've got a date.

- Look, you can't be angry. He said no.
- Why are you against seeing them happy?

I'm not. Gaz is very happily jerking
his gherkin in his flat as we speak.

You can be too close to a person, Jonny.

- "Hollyoaks" is on.
- Oh, OK.

More peanuts?

- What star sign are you?
- Aries, the ram, of course.

Says here you are ruthless,
ambitious and sporty.

- Sounds about right.
- Your best feature is your perfect bosom.

- Belter.
- It's all right. Nice.

I said you were too close.

- You're not allowed here! It's a boys' pub!
- Yeah, no girls allowed.

- I've come to persuade Gaz.
- No.

- Pint, then?
- Yeah.

Oh, come on, Gaz. Donna's great
for you. She's strong and feminine.

- Like a good deodorant?
- I was gonna say Susan Sarandon.

Susan Sarandon.
Ginger pubes. End of story.

- Well, she can cook.
- So can Gary Rhodes.

- I'm not attracted to Gary Rhodes.
- Neither am I,

but if he could clean
as well, I'd slip him one.

- Please. I'll do whatever you want.
- If Jonny doesn't mind.

- No, go for it.
- Not that!

- Then, you have nothing I want.
- I have a signed photo of Adam Woodyatt.

No. Although very generous.

Oh, come on, Gaz. I've promised her now.
She puts out for a bag of peanuts.

- Does she?
- No! No!

Jonny, what's your favourite film again?

"Goodfellas".

Oh, really? I thought that it was...

D'you know,
I think you should. It's only one night.

All right. But if she offers me a Woodbine
or scratches her balls, I'm out of there.

You won't regret it.
She wasn't herself the other night.

- She was just trying to impress you.
- No girls allowed.

All right! I'm going.

So, she really fancies me.

Donna fancies me loads.

I'm sorry, mate. I just...

- What is that look on your face?
- I'm smug, Jonny.

I'm really smug.

- What are you wearing?
- It's my dress for my date.

My God! I thought
it were one of my house coats.

I thought you'd say something like that.

- I've also had my hair done.
- Yes, it looks rather...

Like a cat's been sick on it?

No, I think it looks rather nice, actually.

- Oh, thank you.
- Mind, I'd have asked them to hide my ears.

You take after Uncle Charlie for that.

- Well, just wish me luck.
- Remember, use the Morgan family charm.

- Our second name's Henshaw.
- Yeah, but Marie Morgan, she were lovely.

There you go.

Two pints of Guinness.
I told you I'd make a great barmaid.

- It's like drinking a cloud.
- Thank you.

Now, I'm really nosey,
so I'm going to listen to what you're saying.

Look, Louise,
can you get me a Cinzano, please?

Yes. My first Cinzano. Ice and lemon?

- You can put arse in it. Just go.
- Anything else? We have amusing straws.

- Go!
- Yes, Louise, just go.

We are the couples. No singles allowed.

What is wrong with you, Jonny?
You look like you've started your period.

I'm having a great time.
It's good, this double-dating.

Yeah, great. A round is twice as expensive,
we have to talk about emotions,

and we can't stare at women's tits.

- Fantastic (!)
- Jonny, you are ruining this.

- That's the plan.
- We don't have to talk about emotions.

Yeah, we can talk about football.

That's right. You're a big United fan, Donna.

I'm a City fan myself, so...

Well, they're nice.

How long have you
been supporting United, Donna?

- Jonny!
- Well, since I was seven.

Oh, right. So that would be what? 1985.

Yeah, who was the star player
back then? I can't remember.

That would be Jonny...

Vandergaz...

Jonny Vandergaz?

Oh, can we talk about something else now?

OK. Donna, your last boyfriend
dumped you, didn't he?

But who am I to argue with men in shorts?

- Yeah.
- And what did you do after that?

I got on with my life an' that.

Yes, you got on with your life...

after shagging his best mate
and killing his budgie.

Jonny, stop it.

Wasn't me who killed the budgie,
Jonny. It was the Domestos.

- Why you acting so weird?
- Stop it or I'm going home.

And Donna, what about the time
when you drank so much vermouth,

your wee-wee turned black?

- I'd love to explore that in more depth.
- That is it, I'm going!

- Er, films.
- Yep. Everybody likes films.

- Who's your favourite, Pacino or De Niro?
- Neither. He hates brunettes.

So, Donna, who's your favourite,
Solskjaer or Owen?

- I'd have to say Michael Owen.
- Why?

Well, Michael Owen has a lovely, lovely smile.

Ha!

- We should do this again.
- Oh! I get it!

Yeah. You're getting to know each other.

You're going to set up home
in suburbia and have tiny babies.

You are set for a life of Ikea,
weird parent-style sex and Boggle. OK?

I can't watch this any more. I'm leaving.
It's over between you and me. Over.

You can take this cheap piece
of tin I bought off you.

You heed my words - any relationship arising
out of a blind date is doomed. Doomed!

I don't feel too doomed.

Me, neither.

All right, whose undies
would you prefer to eat -

David Hasselhoff's or Peter Stringfellow's?

Well, Peter Stringfellow wears a G-string,
so I could floss my teeth afterwards,

and it would also make an
interestingly flavoured alternative to gum.

Where would you rather be -
at the cup final or with me?

Cup final.

- You'd prefer to be at the cup final?
- Yeah, course.

Whenever I meet a nice man,
football gets in the way.

You sound like Graham Le Saux.

Oh, don't go. Well,
it depends what the seats were like.

- I beg your pardon?
- Come on. Your mate said.

It'll only take 20 seconds.
Look, I'm fat, desperate and inexperienced.

Ugh! I quit! I can't believe someone like me

would work in this dump
in the first place, you... shyster!

I'm worth a bag of peanuts, love!

All right, mate. Fancy a mouthful of salty nuts?

- All right?
- Hiya. Where's Gaz?

Well, hopefully lying in a pool of vomit
somewhere being buggered by Mr T.

What did he do? I mean,
Face or Hannibal, maybe, but Mr T?

Just once in my short, sexually unsatisfying life,

- I thought I'd met someone to really...
- Give you one?

No, I just wanted what you've got.

Someone who gives you toast
the morning after instead of crabs.

Then you realise it's not meant to be.

Now, you and Janet, you were meant to be.
You've got something really special there,

and to bounce back after all those setbacks,
and to just love each other.

Not for me, eh?

I'll just have to resign myself
to married bouncers with perms.

Endlessly waiting for the cold
fingers of death to grip my heart

and end the loneliness of my life.

- Usual, love.
- Oh, cheers, Haman.

Well, look. Whatever Gaz said,
I'm sure he didn't mean it.

He said he'd rather go
to the cup final than be with me.

Oh, well, maybe he did mean it,

but Donna, you should never
ask a man that question again.

It's the cup final.

You could tell he liked you, y'know?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Don't ruin something that could be special.
Look, I'll give you his number.

There you go.

- You know what, Jonny?
- What?

Janet's really lucky. Thanks.

(DOORBELL)

Thank God for Jonny, eh?

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, that's all right.

- Relationships, eh?
- Monogamy should be made obsolete.

I like that concept.

If you wanted to sleep
with someone, you could just say it.

That's an excellent brain
you've got there, you know?

And nobody would use the C word.

Hold on. We've got to have
a name for Leeds United fans.

Commitment.

Donna...

I think I'm not falling in love with you.

- Do you want some wine? It's Blue Nun.
- No. Coffee, though.

(MUSIC PLAYING: "TRUE" BY SPANDAU BALLET)

What's this?

Er, that... that... that...

Um, th-that would be porn, yeah.

Jonny was right,
there are no good men out there.

You're against pornography? You were
about to sleep with someone you'd just met.

No, I'm fine with porn,

but not enough porn to keep the entire Army
from missing their girlfriends.

It's not mine.
I'm looking after it for a friend.

Who's your friend? Hugh Hefner?

It's just pictures. It's art.

Art? Half a sheep in formaldehyde is art!
You're a dirty little scumbag!

You're not fit to lick my boots!
You're a creepy!

Oh, my God!
You're getting turned on by this, aren't you?

No, mistress.

I was so wrong about you.

All right. You were wrong about me twice.

I'm off, you slug...

with your porn and your hair
and your tight jeans and your...

- Porn?
- And your porn. I'm off!

- Fine!
- Fine!

- Fine!
- Well, I'm going!

- Good!
- Unless you want to shag me first!

- Yes, I do!
- Well, come on, then!

Uh! Uh!

Jonny, I think I've mutated.

You're all right. That's just
minced-up cow's guts. It'll come off.

That's all right, then. Why didn't
you follow me out of the pub before?

Most boyfriends would have done.
I could have been raped or pillaged,

whatever pillaging is.

I think it's where
they stick something in your ear.

You ruined two people's chances of happiness.
Just 'cause you and Gaz want to be a couple.

Why don't you move in with Gaz?
I bet he can't lick his own nipples.

- It was really bitter and twisted.
- Can I get a word in?

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello? Yeah, Donna. Hiya.

I know. Bloody Jonny. I've had a word...

What? Did he? What? Jonny did?

Did you? You dirty, dirty girl.

Two hours? No way!

God, I bet his face was sore.

I don't need to say anything.
I'm the hero... and I want my reward.

You know what to do.

(SONG: "MY HEART WILL GO ON"
FROM "TITANIC")

He really has left me.

He's not been back all night, Louise.

I should have taken
his bastardry more seriously.

- Oh, there, there.
- Now he's probably shacked up

with some blonde aerobics instructor
who actually cleans the oven.