Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001): Season 4, Episode 22 - The Internet Episode - full transcript
Ashley is moving out, and Sharon and Johnny are moving into her flat. Ashley may be pregnant as she is showing some signs but is in denial about it. However, the test shows that she is. Johnny is hurt fighting a fire and he is rescued by Pete. In the hospital Sharon takes a pregnancy test but it comes back negative. Berg thinks Irene may be pregnant because the condoms he used were found to be defective. He devises an elaborate way to find out without her knowing. She turns out not to be pregnant.
I REALIZE THAT I HAVEN'T
BEEN LISTENING TO YOU.
WELL... LET ME FINISH.
I KEPT THINKING THAT
IF I LEFT YOU ALONE,
IT'D BE LIKE GIVING UP ON US.
THE ONLY CHANCE WE HAVE
IS IF I DO, IN FACT,
LEAVE YOU ALONE
DON'T CHANGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE
BECAUSE OF A 3-DAY RELATIONSHIP.
WHAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK?
THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ME AND YOU...
I'M WILLING TO BET ON A HUNCH.
WELL, I CAN'T TOO THAT.
W-WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?
ASHLEY'S MOVING DAY,
ALSO KNOWN AS THE
GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
NOT SO ROUGH!
THAT'S AN ARMOIRE,
OR DIDN'T THEY HAVE
NICE FURNITURE IN PRISON?
I KNOW. I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING.
BUT EVEN IF YOU COULD
GET HER INTO THE ARMOIRE,
YOU'D NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT.
HEY, YOU REMEMBER THAT CHAMPAGNE
THAT ASHLEY GOT US
WHEN SHE MOVED IN?
YEAH, WE CAN FINALLY OPEN IT.
YEAH, YOU KNOW
WHAT? GOOD RIDDANCE.
IF SHE'S GONNA RUN AWAY
FROM HER FEELINGS FOR ME,
THEN SO BE IT.
Ashley: YOU'RE A MOVER.
WHY DON'T YOU
START WITH YOUR ASS?
I THINK I'M GONNA MAKE
THE MOVER SOME MIMOSAS.
THE RECALL OF SOME
NOVELTY CONDOMS.
THE MANUFACTURERS OF THE
GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CONDOM
"THE LIGHT SABER"
HAVE ISSUED AN ALERT.
THE LIGHT SABER HAS BEEN
PROVEN TO BE ONLY 50% EFFECTIVE.
APPARENTLY, THE
DYES THAT THEY USED
TO MAKE THE CONDOM GLOW
ALSO MAKE THEM POROUS.
LIGHT SABER?
HEY, IRENE, I HAVE
A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
TURN OFF THE LIGHT.
OKAY.
OH, HELP ME, OBI-WAN KENOBI!
YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!
I HOPE IRENE IS ON THE
GLOW-IN-THE-DARK PILL.
HEY, I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVE
BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD,
SO I BROUGHT YOU SOME LEMONADE
AND YOU SOME DEODORANT.
HEY, ASH?
ANYTHING I CAN DO
TO HELP YOU MOVE?
OH, JOHNNY, THAT IS SO SWEET.
YEAH, THE SOONER YOU'RE
OUT, THE SOONER WE'RE IN.
OF COURSE, WE'RE
GONNA HAVE TO PAINT.
BOY, HOW SOME PEOPLE LIVE.
WHY ARE YOU GUYS MOVING
BACK IN HERE ANYWAY?
ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU
LOADED UP THE TRUCK
AND MOVED TO BEVERLY?
TELL HER, HONEY.
T-THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL.
JUST A COUPLE DAYS LATE.
WHAT?!
I KNOCKED HER UP.
ANYWAY, NOTHING HAS
BEEN CONFIRMED YET.
ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU'RE LATE?
BECAUSE YOU AND I ARE...
YOU KNOW...
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMERS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE
EUPHEMISMS IN FRONT OF HIM.
HE'S COMFORTABLE WITH
TALKING ABOUT "THE VISIT."
WOW, YOU'RE PREGNANT, TOO.
NO, I AM DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT
BECAUSE I'M ABOUT
TO START A RESIDENCY
3,000 MILES AWAY AT STANFORD,
AND IF I WERE PREGNANT, THAT
WOULD COMPLICATE THINGS.
THEREFORE, I'M NOT.
THAT'LL BE A GOOD STORY TO
TELL YOUR ILLEGITIMATE BABY.
BESIDES, I'M ON THE PILL,
EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT
ENTIRELY COMMITTED TO IT.
W-WELL, HAVE YOU TALKED
TO PETE ABOUT THIS?
NO, I'M NOT GOING
TO TALK TO PETE
BECAUSE I'M NOT PREGNANT.
IF YOU WERE, IT'D BE GREAT.
YOUR KID COULD
LOOK DOWN ON OUR KID,
AND OUR KID COULD WALK
YOUR KID TO THERAPY.
ASH, I DON'T KNOW IF I'M
READY FOR BEING PREGNANT.
YOU KNOW, I JUST STARTED A
JOB THAT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE.
ON THE OTHER HAND, I
WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORK.
WELL, ALL THIS TALK
IS KIND OF POINTLESS
UNTIL YOU KNOW FOR SURE.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. THANK YOU.
UHH! OOH!
WHAT IS IT?
THE BABY... I THINK
I JUST FELT IT KICK.
PETE, I NEED A FAVOR.
COULD YOU ASK IRENE
FOR A CUP OF URINE?
WHY?
ARE WE OUT?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I NEED A SAMPLE TO FIND
OUT IF SHE'S PREGNANT.
WHAT?!
OH, MY GOD, BERG, THIS
IS BAD. THIS IS REALLY BAD.
IT DOESN'T GET WORSE THAN THIS.
HO-HO-HO! I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT THE ONE GOING
TO GET THE PEE-PEE.
HURRY UP.
OKAY, UM, "A"... EEW, NO WAY!
"B"... USE YOUR OWN CUP!
FINE, THEN YOU FORCED
ME TO GO TO PLAN "B."
AVOID THE BATHROOM!
I'M RIGGING THE TOILET.
YOU CAN DO IT, SHARON.
HAVING A CAREER
AND BEING A MOTHER
ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.
YOU JUST WON'T EXCEL AT EITHER.
YEAH, WELL, I HEARD PREGNANCY
MAKES YOUR FEET
GROW HALF A SIZE.
LOOK AT THESE BOATS!
GOD... MY BODY WILL
NEVER BE THE SAME.
AND THEIR BODIES WILL
NEVER BE THE SAME.
BUT THEIR BOOBS GET BIGGER.
YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE TO
GET IN LINE BEHIND THE BABY.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S
WORK. I GOTTA GO.
BEFORE YOU DRIVE YOURSELF
NUTS, GO OVER THERE,
TELL HER THE
TRUTH, AND FIND OUT.
SHE'LL THINK IT'S SOME
DESPERATE STUNT TO GET HER BACK!
I'M NOT GOTTA START
SOME BIG DRAMA WITH IRENE
UNTIL I'M IS SURE THERE
SOME BIG DRAMA WITH IRENE.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO IF SHE IS PREGNANT?
PETE, I LOVE HER, OKAY?
AND IF SHE IS AND SHE WANTS ME,
I'M GONNA DO THE RIGHT THING.
OF COURSE, IF SHE ISN'T,
I'LL HIGH-FIVE
EVERYONE IN BOSTON!
LISTEN, EITHER WAY IT TURNS OUT,
GOOD LUCK, OKAY?
THANKS, MAN.
YOU GOT IT.
MAN, AM I GLAD I'M NOT YOU!
THIS IS SO WEIRD.
I MEAN, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES
OF BOTH OF US BEING PREGNANT?
WELL, NOT VERY LIKELY.
THAT'S ANOTHER REASON
I'M SURE IT'S ONLY YOU.
WILL YOU TAKE A TEST WITH ME?
OKAY, FINE, BUT I GOTTA
STOP AND GET A BIGGER BRA.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON WITH THESE BABIES.
COME ON, IRENE!
OPEN UP! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!
FINE, HAVE IT YOUR WAY!
AND... LEFT HAND!
HEY, ROGER.
WOW. SOME WHERE THERE'S
A NAKED G.I. JOE DOLL.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M
IN THE ARMY RESERVES.
WHAT DO THEY USE YOU FOR...
TO DELIVER MAGAZINES
TO THE FRONT?
BERG, YOU PROMISED ME
YOU WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE.
IRENE, JUST LET
ME BREAK HIS NECK.
IT'LL TAKE TWO SECONDS.
THAT'S OKAY. I CAN HANDLE THIS.
NOW, YOU JUST GO PLAY WAR.
HEY, BERG... SLEEP TIGHT,
BUT SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN.
CCKK!
I SLEEP IN PETE'S ROOM!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
DID YOU CATCH THE NEWS TODAY?
WELL, I CAUGHT THE
EX-BOYFRIEND REPORT...
PARTLY IRRITATING TODAY
WITH A GOOD CHANCE OF ANNOYING
FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.
JUST WAIT A SECOND. YOU
DON'T HAVE CABLE, RIGHT?
I DID UNTIL I FOUND OUT
I WAS GETTING IT FREE.
THEN I HAD IT DISCONNECTED.
WELL, I THOUGHT YOU
MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW
THAT THE HISTORY
CHANNEL IS AIRING A SPECIAL
ON THE SINKING OF THE TITANIC.
I LOVE THE TITANIC.
YOU KNOW, I DIED ON
THAT SHIP IN A PAST LIFE.
I WAS A BARONESS FROM AUSTRIA
WHO WAS WRESTLED FROM MY
RIGHTFUL SEAT ON THE LIFEBOAT
BY A HABERDASHER NAMED PETERSON.
I REMEMBER YOU SAYING THAT ONCE,
AND SOMEHOW, IT
JUST STUCK WITH ME.
ANYWAY, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
LIKE TO WATCH IT AT MY PLACE.
HEY, MAYBE YOU'LL SEE
SOME OF YOUR OLD FRIENDS.
THIS IS JUST A PLOY TO GET
ME TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU.
NO, I WON'T EVEN BE THERE.
I WON'T EVEN BE THERE.
SIT DOWN, ENJOY THE
SHOW, HAVE A SNACK,
RELIEVE YOURSELF,
AND YOU'RE OUT.
WE GOT HER UNDER
CONTROL, FELLAS!
IS EVERYBODY OUT?
TWO UNACCOUNTED FOR, SIR.
OKAY, WE'VE GOT MEN
INSIDE THIS BUILDING.
I'LL GO.
IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.
YOU'RE DUE TO RETIRE NEXT WEEK.
I KNOW. I HATE MY WIFE.
THAT BUILDING'S NOT GONNA
HOLD, AND I LOST DONNELLY.
JOHNNY'S INSIDE?
I'M GOING BACK IN.
OKAY, DUNVILLE.
GODSPEED.
THANKS.
NOW THAT'S A HERO.
YOU DON'T SEE COURAGE
LIKE THAT EVERY DAY.
I-I HAD... I HAD A
PEBBLE IN MY BOOT.
JOHNNY!
JOHNNY!
JOHNNY!
OH, HEY, A QUARTER.
OW! OW! OW!
IT'S HOT! OW!
OW!
JOHNNY!
PETE? I'M IN HERE!
JOHNNY, ARE YOU HURT?
A LITTLE.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS
LEFT WITHOUT ME.
WE CAN'T.
YOU HAVE THE KEYS TO THE TRUCK.
LISTEN, I'M GONNA GET YOU
OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE!
YEAH? GOOD.
CAN'T DIE ON THE DAY I FOUND
OUT SHARON'S PREGNANT.
WHAT?! OH, GOD!
I'M SORRY. CONGRATULATIONS.
WELL, IT'S NOT FOR SURE YET,
BUT I GOT A POWERFUL SEED.
SEEMS TO BE A LOT OF THAT
GOING AROUND IN THE BUILDING.
SO, ASHLEY TOLD YOU SHE
FORGOT TO TAKE HER PILL?
OW!!
WHAT?!
SHE'S NOT PREGNANT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE SHE SAID SHE
DOESN'T WANT TO BE.
OOH! A NICKEL!
JOHNNY, I WOULDN'T... AAAH!
OH, MAN, IT BURNS!
YEAH... I'LL USE THIS.
PETE HASN'T MADE JELL-O IN AGES.
COMING!
OOH! AHH!
HEY, HAS THE TITANIC
THING STARTED?
NO, BUT THERE'S TWO PITCHERS
OF ICED TEA IN THE FRIDGE,
AND THE BATHROOM'S
RIGHT OVER THERE.
I KNOW WHERE YOUR BATHROOM IS.
AND IF YOU DON'T WANT
THE TEA, THERE'S COFFEE,
LEMONADE, JUICE,
LOTS OF, UH, JUICE.
AND THE BATHROOM?
RIGHT OVER THERE.
YOU ALREADY SAID THAT.
AND I SET OUT A
BOWL OF WARM WATER
IN CASE YOU WANT TO
SOAK YOUR CUTICLES.
IT'S ABOUT TO START.
YOU SAID YOU'D LEAVE.
RIGHT. BEFORE I DO,
LET ME TURN ON MY
SERENITY FOUNTAIN.
ISN'T THAT NICE?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY PUT
THE PREGNANCY-TEST KITS
RIGHT NEXT TO THE TAMPONS.
IT'S LIKE THEIR
CRUEL LITTLE JOKE.
SO... WHICH WAY ARE YOU LEANING?
YOU WANT THE ONE WITH
THE BABY ON THE BOX
OR THE DANCING LADY WITH A LIFE?
I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETHING IN BETWEEN.
GIMME THE SUNSET.
OH, GOSH, THE SUNSET'S $50.
OH, WELL, HERE'S ONE THAT'S $5,
AND IT'S... 30% ACCURATE.
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
GIMME THE $50 ONE.
THAT OUGHT TO WIPE THE
GRIN OFF JOHNNY'S FACE.
HEY, UM, ASH?
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANT TO TAKE A TEST?
I'M TELLING YOU,
I'M NOT PREGNANT.
I'M JUST STARVING.
THAT'S THE THIRD
CANDY BAR YOU'VE HAD.
WELL, IT HELPS GET THE TASTE
OF PICKLES OUT OF MY MOUTH.
OH, HI! OH, WHAT
A CUTE LITTLE GIRL!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
OH... ISABELLA.
OH, LOOK HOW SHE
CLINGS TO HER MOMMY.
SHE DOES THAT ALL DAY.
ALL DAY... MY GOD. HOW
DO YOU PRY HER OFF?
WELL, I THINK SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU. ONCE YOU HAVE KIDS,
YOU CAN'T IMAGINE
YOUR LIFE WITHOUT THEM.
I'M HAVING A BABY!
CONGRATULATIONS!
I HOPE SHE LOOKS
JUST LIKE ISABELLA!
WHAT IF IT'S A BOY?
IT'S A GIRL.
HELLO?
WHAT?
WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
THAT WAS THE PARAMEDICS.
PETE AND JOHNNY
GOT CAUGHT IN A FIRE.
THEY'RE AT THE
HOSPITAL. LET'S GO.
OKAY, YOU GO GET THE CAR,
AND I'M GONNA GET SOME PRETZELS.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HO!
WHERE YOU GOING?!
I DRANK TWO QUARTS OF TEA.
I REALLY NEED TO
USE MY BATHROOM.
USE THE BATHROOM
IN MY APARTMENT!
SOME NUMBNUT PUT
A BOWL IN THE TOILET.
OH, MY GOD, WHAT DID I
PUT IN THE DISHWASHER?
BERG, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE USED
THOSE GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CONDOMS?
YEAH?
IT TURNS OUT A MAGIC SHOP
ISN'T THE BEST PLACE
TO BUY CONTRACEPTION.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, THEY'RE SORT OF DEFECTIVE.
WHAT?! HOW DEFECTIVE?!
THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED
THEM "WHIFFLE CONDOM."
WHAT TOOK YOU SO
LONG TO TELL ME?!
WELL, I HOPING I
WOULDN'T HAVE TO.
I DIDN'T WANT TO UPSET YOU. I
KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WORRY.
SO THAT'S WHY YOU WERE
TRYING TO TAKE MY TINKLE?
YEAH.
THAT'S THE SWEETEST THING
ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.
LISTEN, IRENE, IF
YOU ARE PREGNANT,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING.
I WANT TO MARRY YOU.
BERG... YOU ARE THE
MANI THOUGHT YOU WERE,
AND MAYBE I COULD LEARN
TO START TRUSTING YOU AGAIN.
AND THIS WOULD BE
SUCH A SPECIAL MOMENT
IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM SO BAD!
IRENE! WAIT!
WHAT?
SAVE ME A LITTLE.
OH, PETE! I'M SO GLAD
YOU'RE NOT HURT!
NOT HURT?!
I'VE GOT "IN GOD WE TRUST"
BURNED INTO MY HAND!
I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
I WAS FINE.
DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!
I WILL NOT RAISE A
CHILD ON MY OWN!
SHAR, ARE YOU?
NO, NO, NO, I HAVEN'T
TAKEN THE TEST,
BUT I'M STARTING
TO HOPE THAT I AM.
ASHLEY?
IS THERE SOMETHING
THAT YOU NEED TO TELL ME?
OH... YEAH.
SHARON MIGHT BE PREGNANT.
NO, NO... SOMETHING ABOUT YOU?
AM I GONNA BE THE
FATHER OF SATAN'S SPAWN?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T TAKE THE
TEST YET, EITHER.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, LOOK,
I JUST WANT TO LET YOU
KNOW THAT IF YOU ARE,
THEN I'M GONNA
DO THE RIGHT THING.
YOU'LL MARRY ME?
NO! I'LL GET AN ATTORNEY
AND FIGHT FOR CUSTODY.
I JUST WANT TO BE THERE
FOR YOU AND THE BABY.
PETE, WE'VE BEEN OVER
THIS. I AM GOING TO CALIFORNIA.
BEING PREGNANT
DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
YEAH, I WANNA HEAR YOU SAY
THAT WHEN THE BABY'S CROWNING.
THERE IS NO POINT IN
ARGUING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.
YOU GO IN THERE
AND TAKE YOUR TEST.
I'LL GO TO THE CHAPEL
AND PRAY I'M STERILE.
HI. HEY.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW I
BROKE UP WITH ROGER.
REALLY? YEAH.
I COULDN'T DATE HIM
KNOWING MY HEART TRULY
BELONGED TO SOMEONE ELSE.
OH... I ALSO TOOK
A PREGNANCY TEST.
I MIGHT HAVE LED WITH THAT ONE.
BERG, I KNOW I'VE PUT
YOU THROUGH A LOT,
BUT IN DOING SO,
I'VE SEEN WHAT AN EXCELLENT
PARTNER YOU'D MAKE,
AND I CONSIDER
MYSELF A VERY LUCKY...
YEAH! LUCKY!
GET TO THE POINT.
THAT BEING SAID...
NO, I'M NOT WITH CHILD.
OH, GOD. OH, MY GOD.
THANK GOD!
THANK GOD!!
YOU'RE HAPPY TOO, RIGHT?
OH, MY GOD, YES! THANK YOU!
NOW, HOW DO YOU CELEBRATE
NOT BEING PREGNANT?
NO! NO!
WHAT? COME ON!
I JUST GOT SOME "SILENCE
OF THE LAMBSKINS."
WELL?
OH. WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS?
IT MEANS WE'LL JUST HAVE
TO TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
ASHLEY?
YES.
YES, YOUR NAME IS ASHLEY?
YES.
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
WELL, Y-YOU'RE
GONNA STAY, RIGHT?
I THOUGHT ABOUT
THIS. I CAN'T STAY.
YOU GET BACK IN THERE
AND THINK SOME MORE!
PETE, MY PLANE
LEAVES IN AN HOUR.
I WILL CALL YOU FROM CALIFORNIA.
I CAN'T LET HER LEAVE!
PETE, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I CAN'T LET THE
DINGO TAKE MY BABY.
Pete: AND AS A SPECIAL TREAT,
HERE ARE THE ENDINGS
YOU DIDN'T PICK.
WELL?
OH...
ASHLEY?
OH, THANK GOD!
THANK GOD YOU'RE BARREN.
I SAY WE GET DRUNK.
I GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.
ASHLEY, HOLD UP. HOLD ON. GOSH.
OH, WE'RE GONNA MISS
YOU. AREN'T WE, JOHNNY?
HUH?
OH, YEAH. YES.
I ALSO TOOK A PREGNANCY TEST.
I MIGHT HAVE LED WITH THAT ONE.
BERG, I KNOW I'VE PUT
YOU THROUGH A LOT,
BUT IN DOING SO,
I'VE SEEN WHAT AN EXCELLENT
PARTNER YOU'D MAKE,
AND I CONSIDER
MYSELF A VERY LUCKY...
YEAH! LUCKY!
GET TO THE POINT.
THAT BEING SAID...
YES, I AM WITH CHILD.
WOW.
I KNOW.
OKAY, UM... COME HERE.
LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I'M GONNA BE THERE FOR YOU.
OKAY? YOU DON'T HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT A THING.
I WILL BE A GREAT DADDY.
THAT'S ALL FINE AND DANDY,
BUT IT MIGHT BE ROGER'S!
ASHLEY?
OH, THANK GOD!
THANK GOD YOU'RE BARREN.
SHARON?
YES, DADDY?
DADDY... I'M A DADDY.
I'M GONNA HAVE A SON!
IT'S A GIRL.
CONGRATULATIONS, GUYS.
BEEN LISTENING TO YOU.
WELL... LET ME FINISH.
I KEPT THINKING THAT
IF I LEFT YOU ALONE,
IT'D BE LIKE GIVING UP ON US.
THE ONLY CHANCE WE HAVE
IS IF I DO, IN FACT,
LEAVE YOU ALONE
DON'T CHANGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE
BECAUSE OF A 3-DAY RELATIONSHIP.
WHAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK?
THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ME AND YOU...
I'M WILLING TO BET ON A HUNCH.
WELL, I CAN'T TOO THAT.
W-WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?
ASHLEY'S MOVING DAY,
ALSO KNOWN AS THE
GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
NOT SO ROUGH!
THAT'S AN ARMOIRE,
OR DIDN'T THEY HAVE
NICE FURNITURE IN PRISON?
I KNOW. I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING.
BUT EVEN IF YOU COULD
GET HER INTO THE ARMOIRE,
YOU'D NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT.
HEY, YOU REMEMBER THAT CHAMPAGNE
THAT ASHLEY GOT US
WHEN SHE MOVED IN?
YEAH, WE CAN FINALLY OPEN IT.
YEAH, YOU KNOW
WHAT? GOOD RIDDANCE.
IF SHE'S GONNA RUN AWAY
FROM HER FEELINGS FOR ME,
THEN SO BE IT.
Ashley: YOU'RE A MOVER.
WHY DON'T YOU
START WITH YOUR ASS?
I THINK I'M GONNA MAKE
THE MOVER SOME MIMOSAS.
THE RECALL OF SOME
NOVELTY CONDOMS.
THE MANUFACTURERS OF THE
GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CONDOM
"THE LIGHT SABER"
HAVE ISSUED AN ALERT.
THE LIGHT SABER HAS BEEN
PROVEN TO BE ONLY 50% EFFECTIVE.
APPARENTLY, THE
DYES THAT THEY USED
TO MAKE THE CONDOM GLOW
ALSO MAKE THEM POROUS.
LIGHT SABER?
HEY, IRENE, I HAVE
A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
TURN OFF THE LIGHT.
OKAY.
OH, HELP ME, OBI-WAN KENOBI!
YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!
I HOPE IRENE IS ON THE
GLOW-IN-THE-DARK PILL.
HEY, I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVE
BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD,
SO I BROUGHT YOU SOME LEMONADE
AND YOU SOME DEODORANT.
HEY, ASH?
ANYTHING I CAN DO
TO HELP YOU MOVE?
OH, JOHNNY, THAT IS SO SWEET.
YEAH, THE SOONER YOU'RE
OUT, THE SOONER WE'RE IN.
OF COURSE, WE'RE
GONNA HAVE TO PAINT.
BOY, HOW SOME PEOPLE LIVE.
WHY ARE YOU GUYS MOVING
BACK IN HERE ANYWAY?
ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU
LOADED UP THE TRUCK
AND MOVED TO BEVERLY?
TELL HER, HONEY.
T-THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL.
JUST A COUPLE DAYS LATE.
WHAT?!
I KNOCKED HER UP.
ANYWAY, NOTHING HAS
BEEN CONFIRMED YET.
ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU'RE LATE?
BECAUSE YOU AND I ARE...
YOU KNOW...
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMERS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE
EUPHEMISMS IN FRONT OF HIM.
HE'S COMFORTABLE WITH
TALKING ABOUT "THE VISIT."
WOW, YOU'RE PREGNANT, TOO.
NO, I AM DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT
BECAUSE I'M ABOUT
TO START A RESIDENCY
3,000 MILES AWAY AT STANFORD,
AND IF I WERE PREGNANT, THAT
WOULD COMPLICATE THINGS.
THEREFORE, I'M NOT.
THAT'LL BE A GOOD STORY TO
TELL YOUR ILLEGITIMATE BABY.
BESIDES, I'M ON THE PILL,
EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT
ENTIRELY COMMITTED TO IT.
W-WELL, HAVE YOU TALKED
TO PETE ABOUT THIS?
NO, I'M NOT GOING
TO TALK TO PETE
BECAUSE I'M NOT PREGNANT.
IF YOU WERE, IT'D BE GREAT.
YOUR KID COULD
LOOK DOWN ON OUR KID,
AND OUR KID COULD WALK
YOUR KID TO THERAPY.
ASH, I DON'T KNOW IF I'M
READY FOR BEING PREGNANT.
YOU KNOW, I JUST STARTED A
JOB THAT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE.
ON THE OTHER HAND, I
WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORK.
WELL, ALL THIS TALK
IS KIND OF POINTLESS
UNTIL YOU KNOW FOR SURE.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. THANK YOU.
UHH! OOH!
WHAT IS IT?
THE BABY... I THINK
I JUST FELT IT KICK.
PETE, I NEED A FAVOR.
COULD YOU ASK IRENE
FOR A CUP OF URINE?
WHY?
ARE WE OUT?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I NEED A SAMPLE TO FIND
OUT IF SHE'S PREGNANT.
WHAT?!
OH, MY GOD, BERG, THIS
IS BAD. THIS IS REALLY BAD.
IT DOESN'T GET WORSE THAN THIS.
HO-HO-HO! I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT THE ONE GOING
TO GET THE PEE-PEE.
HURRY UP.
OKAY, UM, "A"... EEW, NO WAY!
"B"... USE YOUR OWN CUP!
FINE, THEN YOU FORCED
ME TO GO TO PLAN "B."
AVOID THE BATHROOM!
I'M RIGGING THE TOILET.
YOU CAN DO IT, SHARON.
HAVING A CAREER
AND BEING A MOTHER
ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.
YOU JUST WON'T EXCEL AT EITHER.
YEAH, WELL, I HEARD PREGNANCY
MAKES YOUR FEET
GROW HALF A SIZE.
LOOK AT THESE BOATS!
GOD... MY BODY WILL
NEVER BE THE SAME.
AND THEIR BODIES WILL
NEVER BE THE SAME.
BUT THEIR BOOBS GET BIGGER.
YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE TO
GET IN LINE BEHIND THE BABY.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S
WORK. I GOTTA GO.
BEFORE YOU DRIVE YOURSELF
NUTS, GO OVER THERE,
TELL HER THE
TRUTH, AND FIND OUT.
SHE'LL THINK IT'S SOME
DESPERATE STUNT TO GET HER BACK!
I'M NOT GOTTA START
SOME BIG DRAMA WITH IRENE
UNTIL I'M IS SURE THERE
SOME BIG DRAMA WITH IRENE.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO IF SHE IS PREGNANT?
PETE, I LOVE HER, OKAY?
AND IF SHE IS AND SHE WANTS ME,
I'M GONNA DO THE RIGHT THING.
OF COURSE, IF SHE ISN'T,
I'LL HIGH-FIVE
EVERYONE IN BOSTON!
LISTEN, EITHER WAY IT TURNS OUT,
GOOD LUCK, OKAY?
THANKS, MAN.
YOU GOT IT.
MAN, AM I GLAD I'M NOT YOU!
THIS IS SO WEIRD.
I MEAN, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES
OF BOTH OF US BEING PREGNANT?
WELL, NOT VERY LIKELY.
THAT'S ANOTHER REASON
I'M SURE IT'S ONLY YOU.
WILL YOU TAKE A TEST WITH ME?
OKAY, FINE, BUT I GOTTA
STOP AND GET A BIGGER BRA.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON WITH THESE BABIES.
COME ON, IRENE!
OPEN UP! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!
FINE, HAVE IT YOUR WAY!
AND... LEFT HAND!
HEY, ROGER.
WOW. SOME WHERE THERE'S
A NAKED G.I. JOE DOLL.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M
IN THE ARMY RESERVES.
WHAT DO THEY USE YOU FOR...
TO DELIVER MAGAZINES
TO THE FRONT?
BERG, YOU PROMISED ME
YOU WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE.
IRENE, JUST LET
ME BREAK HIS NECK.
IT'LL TAKE TWO SECONDS.
THAT'S OKAY. I CAN HANDLE THIS.
NOW, YOU JUST GO PLAY WAR.
HEY, BERG... SLEEP TIGHT,
BUT SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN.
CCKK!
I SLEEP IN PETE'S ROOM!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
DID YOU CATCH THE NEWS TODAY?
WELL, I CAUGHT THE
EX-BOYFRIEND REPORT...
PARTLY IRRITATING TODAY
WITH A GOOD CHANCE OF ANNOYING
FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.
JUST WAIT A SECOND. YOU
DON'T HAVE CABLE, RIGHT?
I DID UNTIL I FOUND OUT
I WAS GETTING IT FREE.
THEN I HAD IT DISCONNECTED.
WELL, I THOUGHT YOU
MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW
THAT THE HISTORY
CHANNEL IS AIRING A SPECIAL
ON THE SINKING OF THE TITANIC.
I LOVE THE TITANIC.
YOU KNOW, I DIED ON
THAT SHIP IN A PAST LIFE.
I WAS A BARONESS FROM AUSTRIA
WHO WAS WRESTLED FROM MY
RIGHTFUL SEAT ON THE LIFEBOAT
BY A HABERDASHER NAMED PETERSON.
I REMEMBER YOU SAYING THAT ONCE,
AND SOMEHOW, IT
JUST STUCK WITH ME.
ANYWAY, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
LIKE TO WATCH IT AT MY PLACE.
HEY, MAYBE YOU'LL SEE
SOME OF YOUR OLD FRIENDS.
THIS IS JUST A PLOY TO GET
ME TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU.
NO, I WON'T EVEN BE THERE.
I WON'T EVEN BE THERE.
SIT DOWN, ENJOY THE
SHOW, HAVE A SNACK,
RELIEVE YOURSELF,
AND YOU'RE OUT.
WE GOT HER UNDER
CONTROL, FELLAS!
IS EVERYBODY OUT?
TWO UNACCOUNTED FOR, SIR.
OKAY, WE'VE GOT MEN
INSIDE THIS BUILDING.
I'LL GO.
IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.
YOU'RE DUE TO RETIRE NEXT WEEK.
I KNOW. I HATE MY WIFE.
THAT BUILDING'S NOT GONNA
HOLD, AND I LOST DONNELLY.
JOHNNY'S INSIDE?
I'M GOING BACK IN.
OKAY, DUNVILLE.
GODSPEED.
THANKS.
NOW THAT'S A HERO.
YOU DON'T SEE COURAGE
LIKE THAT EVERY DAY.
I-I HAD... I HAD A
PEBBLE IN MY BOOT.
JOHNNY!
JOHNNY!
JOHNNY!
OH, HEY, A QUARTER.
OW! OW! OW!
IT'S HOT! OW!
OW!
JOHNNY!
PETE? I'M IN HERE!
JOHNNY, ARE YOU HURT?
A LITTLE.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS
LEFT WITHOUT ME.
WE CAN'T.
YOU HAVE THE KEYS TO THE TRUCK.
LISTEN, I'M GONNA GET YOU
OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE!
YEAH? GOOD.
CAN'T DIE ON THE DAY I FOUND
OUT SHARON'S PREGNANT.
WHAT?! OH, GOD!
I'M SORRY. CONGRATULATIONS.
WELL, IT'S NOT FOR SURE YET,
BUT I GOT A POWERFUL SEED.
SEEMS TO BE A LOT OF THAT
GOING AROUND IN THE BUILDING.
SO, ASHLEY TOLD YOU SHE
FORGOT TO TAKE HER PILL?
OW!!
WHAT?!
SHE'S NOT PREGNANT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE SHE SAID SHE
DOESN'T WANT TO BE.
OOH! A NICKEL!
JOHNNY, I WOULDN'T... AAAH!
OH, MAN, IT BURNS!
YEAH... I'LL USE THIS.
PETE HASN'T MADE JELL-O IN AGES.
COMING!
OOH! AHH!
HEY, HAS THE TITANIC
THING STARTED?
NO, BUT THERE'S TWO PITCHERS
OF ICED TEA IN THE FRIDGE,
AND THE BATHROOM'S
RIGHT OVER THERE.
I KNOW WHERE YOUR BATHROOM IS.
AND IF YOU DON'T WANT
THE TEA, THERE'S COFFEE,
LEMONADE, JUICE,
LOTS OF, UH, JUICE.
AND THE BATHROOM?
RIGHT OVER THERE.
YOU ALREADY SAID THAT.
AND I SET OUT A
BOWL OF WARM WATER
IN CASE YOU WANT TO
SOAK YOUR CUTICLES.
IT'S ABOUT TO START.
YOU SAID YOU'D LEAVE.
RIGHT. BEFORE I DO,
LET ME TURN ON MY
SERENITY FOUNTAIN.
ISN'T THAT NICE?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY PUT
THE PREGNANCY-TEST KITS
RIGHT NEXT TO THE TAMPONS.
IT'S LIKE THEIR
CRUEL LITTLE JOKE.
SO... WHICH WAY ARE YOU LEANING?
YOU WANT THE ONE WITH
THE BABY ON THE BOX
OR THE DANCING LADY WITH A LIFE?
I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETHING IN BETWEEN.
GIMME THE SUNSET.
OH, GOSH, THE SUNSET'S $50.
OH, WELL, HERE'S ONE THAT'S $5,
AND IT'S... 30% ACCURATE.
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
GIMME THE $50 ONE.
THAT OUGHT TO WIPE THE
GRIN OFF JOHNNY'S FACE.
HEY, UM, ASH?
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANT TO TAKE A TEST?
I'M TELLING YOU,
I'M NOT PREGNANT.
I'M JUST STARVING.
THAT'S THE THIRD
CANDY BAR YOU'VE HAD.
WELL, IT HELPS GET THE TASTE
OF PICKLES OUT OF MY MOUTH.
OH, HI! OH, WHAT
A CUTE LITTLE GIRL!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
OH... ISABELLA.
OH, LOOK HOW SHE
CLINGS TO HER MOMMY.
SHE DOES THAT ALL DAY.
ALL DAY... MY GOD. HOW
DO YOU PRY HER OFF?
WELL, I THINK SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU. ONCE YOU HAVE KIDS,
YOU CAN'T IMAGINE
YOUR LIFE WITHOUT THEM.
I'M HAVING A BABY!
CONGRATULATIONS!
I HOPE SHE LOOKS
JUST LIKE ISABELLA!
WHAT IF IT'S A BOY?
IT'S A GIRL.
HELLO?
WHAT?
WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
THAT WAS THE PARAMEDICS.
PETE AND JOHNNY
GOT CAUGHT IN A FIRE.
THEY'RE AT THE
HOSPITAL. LET'S GO.
OKAY, YOU GO GET THE CAR,
AND I'M GONNA GET SOME PRETZELS.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HO!
WHERE YOU GOING?!
I DRANK TWO QUARTS OF TEA.
I REALLY NEED TO
USE MY BATHROOM.
USE THE BATHROOM
IN MY APARTMENT!
SOME NUMBNUT PUT
A BOWL IN THE TOILET.
OH, MY GOD, WHAT DID I
PUT IN THE DISHWASHER?
BERG, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE USED
THOSE GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CONDOMS?
YEAH?
IT TURNS OUT A MAGIC SHOP
ISN'T THE BEST PLACE
TO BUY CONTRACEPTION.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, THEY'RE SORT OF DEFECTIVE.
WHAT?! HOW DEFECTIVE?!
THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED
THEM "WHIFFLE CONDOM."
WHAT TOOK YOU SO
LONG TO TELL ME?!
WELL, I HOPING I
WOULDN'T HAVE TO.
I DIDN'T WANT TO UPSET YOU. I
KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WORRY.
SO THAT'S WHY YOU WERE
TRYING TO TAKE MY TINKLE?
YEAH.
THAT'S THE SWEETEST THING
ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.
LISTEN, IRENE, IF
YOU ARE PREGNANT,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING.
I WANT TO MARRY YOU.
BERG... YOU ARE THE
MANI THOUGHT YOU WERE,
AND MAYBE I COULD LEARN
TO START TRUSTING YOU AGAIN.
AND THIS WOULD BE
SUCH A SPECIAL MOMENT
IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM SO BAD!
IRENE! WAIT!
WHAT?
SAVE ME A LITTLE.
OH, PETE! I'M SO GLAD
YOU'RE NOT HURT!
NOT HURT?!
I'VE GOT "IN GOD WE TRUST"
BURNED INTO MY HAND!
I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
I WAS FINE.
DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!
I WILL NOT RAISE A
CHILD ON MY OWN!
SHAR, ARE YOU?
NO, NO, NO, I HAVEN'T
TAKEN THE TEST,
BUT I'M STARTING
TO HOPE THAT I AM.
ASHLEY?
IS THERE SOMETHING
THAT YOU NEED TO TELL ME?
OH... YEAH.
SHARON MIGHT BE PREGNANT.
NO, NO... SOMETHING ABOUT YOU?
AM I GONNA BE THE
FATHER OF SATAN'S SPAWN?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T TAKE THE
TEST YET, EITHER.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, LOOK,
I JUST WANT TO LET YOU
KNOW THAT IF YOU ARE,
THEN I'M GONNA
DO THE RIGHT THING.
YOU'LL MARRY ME?
NO! I'LL GET AN ATTORNEY
AND FIGHT FOR CUSTODY.
I JUST WANT TO BE THERE
FOR YOU AND THE BABY.
PETE, WE'VE BEEN OVER
THIS. I AM GOING TO CALIFORNIA.
BEING PREGNANT
DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
YEAH, I WANNA HEAR YOU SAY
THAT WHEN THE BABY'S CROWNING.
THERE IS NO POINT IN
ARGUING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.
YOU GO IN THERE
AND TAKE YOUR TEST.
I'LL GO TO THE CHAPEL
AND PRAY I'M STERILE.
HI. HEY.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW I
BROKE UP WITH ROGER.
REALLY? YEAH.
I COULDN'T DATE HIM
KNOWING MY HEART TRULY
BELONGED TO SOMEONE ELSE.
OH... I ALSO TOOK
A PREGNANCY TEST.
I MIGHT HAVE LED WITH THAT ONE.
BERG, I KNOW I'VE PUT
YOU THROUGH A LOT,
BUT IN DOING SO,
I'VE SEEN WHAT AN EXCELLENT
PARTNER YOU'D MAKE,
AND I CONSIDER
MYSELF A VERY LUCKY...
YEAH! LUCKY!
GET TO THE POINT.
THAT BEING SAID...
NO, I'M NOT WITH CHILD.
OH, GOD. OH, MY GOD.
THANK GOD!
THANK GOD!!
YOU'RE HAPPY TOO, RIGHT?
OH, MY GOD, YES! THANK YOU!
NOW, HOW DO YOU CELEBRATE
NOT BEING PREGNANT?
NO! NO!
WHAT? COME ON!
I JUST GOT SOME "SILENCE
OF THE LAMBSKINS."
WELL?
OH. WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS?
IT MEANS WE'LL JUST HAVE
TO TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
ASHLEY?
YES.
YES, YOUR NAME IS ASHLEY?
YES.
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
WELL, Y-YOU'RE
GONNA STAY, RIGHT?
I THOUGHT ABOUT
THIS. I CAN'T STAY.
YOU GET BACK IN THERE
AND THINK SOME MORE!
PETE, MY PLANE
LEAVES IN AN HOUR.
I WILL CALL YOU FROM CALIFORNIA.
I CAN'T LET HER LEAVE!
PETE, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I CAN'T LET THE
DINGO TAKE MY BABY.
Pete: AND AS A SPECIAL TREAT,
HERE ARE THE ENDINGS
YOU DIDN'T PICK.
WELL?
OH...
ASHLEY?
OH, THANK GOD!
THANK GOD YOU'RE BARREN.
I SAY WE GET DRUNK.
I GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.
ASHLEY, HOLD UP. HOLD ON. GOSH.
OH, WE'RE GONNA MISS
YOU. AREN'T WE, JOHNNY?
HUH?
OH, YEAH. YES.
I ALSO TOOK A PREGNANCY TEST.
I MIGHT HAVE LED WITH THAT ONE.
BERG, I KNOW I'VE PUT
YOU THROUGH A LOT,
BUT IN DOING SO,
I'VE SEEN WHAT AN EXCELLENT
PARTNER YOU'D MAKE,
AND I CONSIDER
MYSELF A VERY LUCKY...
YEAH! LUCKY!
GET TO THE POINT.
THAT BEING SAID...
YES, I AM WITH CHILD.
WOW.
I KNOW.
OKAY, UM... COME HERE.
LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I'M GONNA BE THERE FOR YOU.
OKAY? YOU DON'T HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT A THING.
I WILL BE A GREAT DADDY.
THAT'S ALL FINE AND DANDY,
BUT IT MIGHT BE ROGER'S!
ASHLEY?
OH, THANK GOD!
THANK GOD YOU'RE BARREN.
SHARON?
YES, DADDY?
DADDY... I'M A DADDY.
I'M GONNA HAVE A SON!
IT'S A GIRL.
CONGRATULATIONS, GUYS.