Tuca & Bertie (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - A Very Speckle Episode - full transcript

Bah! Everyone knows crystals
and plant signs are baloney,

and the people who believe
in them are empty-headed fools.

Wow.

This hang is going great.

I've always been flattered
by my plant sign.

"Palm Frond."

Just like me, they're breezy
and go with the flow.

How about you, Speckle?

Do you want to get
your birth chart or tarot done?

Draca is doing ours

and it's really fun
and she's hanging out with us,



she's our actual friend.

Sorry, I'll be cool.

Like a palm frond.

Hmm. I'm with Tuca on this one.

I know who I am. I'm Speckle.

- S, for supportive, P, for...
- I'm Tuca.

T, for tell someone else
about it.

U, for you need to shut up.

C, for can it.

A, for ass.

- Oh, well.
- Fine. Do me.

But only because I like doing
the opposite of Speckle.

Okay, my date of birth,

the temperature
the day I was born,



my mom's favorite song
that year...

There you go.

This is so stupid.

It always says
my sign is a "Rose Thorn."

Not a Rose Thorn.

Ooh, Tuca.

You're a "Lily Pad"

Oh.

"Lily Pads are impatient,

with short attentions
spans and..."

Ugh, I can't read
the rest of this.

"Lily Pads are impulsive,
the life of the party,

but might feel intense
loneliness at times."

Hmm, yeah.
Beneath my clever quips,

I do contain depths deeper
than you ever could imagine.

See? This bullshit is fun!

♪ Tuca and Bertie and Tuca and
Bertie and Bertie and Tuca ♪

♪ And Tuca and Bertie,
Tuca and Bertie ♪

♪ Tu-Tu-Tuca ♪

- ♪ Tuca ♪
- ♪ And Bertie. ♪

Vocalizing...

♪ Deebee, deebee, wow ♪

♪ Mr. Good Guy, he's so good ♪

♪ Doing all the things
that a good guy should ♪

♪ Mr. Good Guy ♪

♪ Oh, my, what a good guy ♪

♪ Mr. Good Good Guy-uy-uy-uy ♪

♪ Mr. Good Guy ♪

♪ He's so sweet ♪

♪ Mr. Good Guy ♪

♪ Very neat ♪

♪ Mr. Good Guy, oh, my ♪

♪ What a good guy ♪

Don't talk to me till Speckle's
brought me my coffee.

That's so funny.

Yes, I know.

This design for your affordable
housing unit is luscious.

So editorial.
Magazine cover worthy. Oh!

Thank you. I'm so glad
the people displaced

by last year's flood don't
have to live in an ugly box.

We're finally making
something beautiful

that isn't just for
insecure rich dicks

who need to overcompensate
for their teeny tiny beaks.

My ideas are so nice.

We still need approval

from the Neighborhood
Council Board.

It's tough getting a sit-down,

but if anyone can catch up
to them, it's you, Speckle.

Great.

Oh.

Is this the neighborhood
council?

We're going around in circles
in the slowest way possible.

Of course we're
the neighborhood council.

Right. I heard
there was a problem

with my proposed affordable
housing unit?

Ah, what a beautiful design.

We noticed you've planned
to include a communal park,

open to the public?

We're not comfortable
with it being

so open and inviting to,
you know...

Poor people.

They take things.

Every night they go out
and take things.

Well, what if...

Don't tell these people
what you really think

or this whole plan
will fall apart.

Ding-dong.

Ugh.

Drink buggy!

Drink buggy!

We'll consider your plan
if you include fencing,

security, and make sure all
the doorbells are also cameras.

And add a mural celebrating
how nice we are.

Hmm, I guess the park
would still be open

for the tenants and they'd
still get affordable housing.

Cheers.

♪ ♪

Come on, buddy, sober up.

Got to draw a straight line

Great job convincing
the council, Speckle.

Who cares about
a little fencing?

We're making a real work of art.

Guaranteed magazine cover.

Yeah. Small compromise.
Totally worth it.

Hmm, it could be in
Birdchitecture Illustrated

or Building Boy Monthly.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Hey, cool sneakers.

Don't recognize them.

You work on this floor?

Sorry, I thought
this floor was empty.

Oh, yeah.

This is your secret
pooping space.

You're shit-shy.
Don't worry, I've heard it all.

No, I, um...

usually hold it in
around others at work,

as a, uh... sign of respect?

My man, this is
our space. Let it all out.

I... uh... Okay.

According to this astrology app,

Lily Pads thrive
in relationships.

I got to get
into a relationship, Bertie.

You just got out of
a big one with Figgy,

and that was right after Kara.

Exactly, I thrive
in monogamous pairings,

one after the other,
with no time to reflect.

Do you ever see
a lily pad reflecting?

No.

They're too busy
being hats for frogs.

Luckily, this dating app lists
everyone's plant sign.

You're taking this plant sign
stuff really seriously.

Like a total Lily Pad.

Get out of here,
Fern Fiddleheads.

Scram, Orchid Bulbs.

Here we go.
This one's a Pinecone.

Pinecones are the best matches
for Lily Pads.

Is that a stuffed animal?

It'll be stuffed when I'm
done with it.

I was too tired to cook dinner,
so I finished all the take-out.

Sorry.

It's okay. I'll just throw
something together.

When life gives you eggs
and strawberries, you make...

♪ Strawbeggy omelette ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba! ♪

Mmm.

Ugh...

Ugh, you won't believe
the day I had.

Jamie was being so annoying.

He kept asking me stuff and
it's like, "Hello? I'm busy?

"Winter wants these
new taco salad desserts

"ready by next week,

"and I can't get
the green frosting guacamole

"to not look like baby diarrhea,

so could you just back off
before I murder you, Jamie?"

Actually,
he's a really nice guy.

It's not his fault
he gets on my nerves.

So, Speckle, how was your day?

Oh, I met with the local
neighborhood council

to discuss approval on the...

Actually, can we stop
talking about work?

I had a really stressful day.

Of course.

Ugh!

Eh?

Wow!
Oh, Speckle, seriously,

do not talk to me till
you've brought me my coffee.

I'm consistently funny.

By the way, Speckle,
we're having trouble

getting the state subsidies
needed to build your project.

You know how those government
positions work, Speckle.

They're programmed to say no,
but I know

you can charm them, Speckle.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Hello?

Am I in the right place?

Oh!

It is I, Zargoz,

head of the State
Treasury Department.

Right. I heard there were issues
with funding my building?

Affirmative.
Due to budget cuts,

the state requires
a change in design.

Where are the windows?

Zargoz has no need for windows.
Zargoz sees all.

Okay. Uh... what if we keep
our original design?

Can we still get the city
to subsidize

a quarter of the costs?

Authorized. On one condition.

The bottom floor shall be
an overpriced retail box store

with millennial branding.

But that's an entire floor
of affordable units. But...

- Stop talking.
- Huh?

This deal is better
than nothing. Shut up.

But it's-it's fine.

Hurrah!

Hey...

if it isn't my friend,
Mr. Cool Shoes.

Shitting hard
or hardly shitting?

How's your day going, buddy?

Uh, good. Yes? Very good?

Hey, maybe it's 'cause
we're in a bathroom and all,

but my BS radar
is going off the charts.

Actually, work kind of
sucks right now.

But you don't want
to hear all this.

My man, I'm
here for you, 3:00 p.m.

every day, same schedule,
totally shit-synced.

Whatever you're holding in,
go ahead and release.

Okay, okay.

Speckle, can you get my tea?

I'm up to my beak
in this pico de gallo.

Of course.

My sweetie needs sweet tea.

Hey, everyone.
Meet my new fiancée.

Hello.

- Mazel tov.
- Fiancée?

Yep, we're engaged.
We could elope at any minute.

That's a threat.

If you remove my ribbon,
my head falls off.

Well, uh,
while you're both here,

maybe you can give me feedback
on this recipe for work?

Ba-boom!

Nope. I'm not eating
anything green or gravelly,

according to this guide.

It's not good for my plant sign.

Now I only eat orange foods.

I feel so much better already.

Maybe that's just because
you stopped eating gravel.

Here, just try the beans.

They're made from little boba
tapioca balls flavored with...

- Oh, wow.
- Okay.

Pitoo, pitoo,
pitoo, pitoo, pitoo.

Aw, Bertie, Bunny hates
your fool's beans.

Every day I learn a new thing

about my girlfriend
who I've known

- for a day.
- Pitoo, pitoo, pitoo. - Ow.

- She's, uh, certainly u-unique.
- Pitoo, pitoo, pitoo, pitoo...

We've been having so much sex.

What?

I've never throbbed so much.

We've licked each other
from head to hole.

I'm all chafed and raw.

Oh, yeah. Ooh, yeah, Bunny.

Ugh.

We're gonna go upstairs now.

For more sex.
Extremely chafe-y sex.

Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.

Damn, she hated my boba beans.

No way. They're delicious.

But speaking of new people
in our lives,

- I made a friend at work.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah, he seems really cool.

Helped me deal with some
stressful office stuff today

that was, like, totally...

You're thinking about the beans,
aren't you?

Oh, yeah, sorry. I have to
completely rework this recipe.

But I-I can listen
to your story first.

Go on, Bean. I-I mean, Speckle.

You were talking about,
I want to say... beans?

Nah. Let's focus on you.

How about I break out the worry
vacuum while you get to work?

Aw, thanks, Speckle.

Whoosh. Whoosh.

Okay, so...

According to this,
I'm going to need

my crystals
fully charged tomorrow.

But this guide says I shouldn't
use my crystals at all.

Aw, oh, my cramps.

I just want to know
what path to take.

I've been having such
a tough time lately

and-and-and...

Come here.

Ah!

I needed that.

By the way, I saw your email

about the need
for outside funding.

Yeah, I was thinking of reaching
out to some philanthropic org...

Oh, don't worry, Speckle.

I already went through
the trouble of setting up

a string of investor meetings.

Let's get some money!

Oh, great!

It won't just be a building.

It'll be your stamp
on Bird Town history.

Hmm. I'm trying to decide
between two different projects

aimed at the betterment
of bird-kind.

Either I fund your project

and increase affordable housing
in Bird Town...

or I build a submarine so I can
go really deep underwater.

Uh...

Maybe while I'm down there,

I'll discover
a new kind of fish so ugly,

I'll name it after my brother
to get back at him

for sleeping with my wife.

Yep. I just talked myself
into the ugly fish thing.

Goodbye.

No. No moss.

Ooh, someone's learning Spanish.

Just kidding. The moss is dead
and, more importantly, broke.

I now represent
a different moneyed individual.

Pleased to meet you. I'm...

- Bruce!
- Let's talk money.

I'm rich now,
so I can fund your, uh,

beautiful, shapely building.

Oh, but I have one stipulation.

Okay, go ahead and tell me
that you want to turn

my building into the world's
largest sex swing or something.

No, why would I want
something I already have?

I just want to add one rule:
Only hot people allowed.

What? That's absurd.

Wait, what's your criteria
for a hot person?

Well, now that I'm rich,
there's nothing hotter to me

than a high credit score.

Those dirty little numbers,

climbing, but don't take
too many peeks

or else you'll make 'em
filthy and low.

- I'm getting, I'm getting out.
- Wait.

What if most of our tenants
are these "hot people,"

but we still get just one floor

reserved for the people
displaced by the flood?

Does that work?

One floor of nuggos
with low credit scores?

Hmm. Kinky.

Deal.

Everyone's so happy now.

I love when money
forces people to agree.

Hmm?

I can't believe we're actually
accepting this offer.

It's just a start.

I'm sure you can talk Bruce
up to two floors

of affordable housing.

I don't think we should...

I need that magazine cover,
Speckle!

Not for me. For my mother.

She's dying. No, she's not.
That's a lie.

But that's how bad
I need this, Speckle.

Bad enough to lie
about my living mother.

If we stick to your ideals,
we get nothing.

It's like the saying goes,

"Don't talk to me
till I've had my compromise."

My God.

Everything falls

on me, even though
I'm already doing so much.

I wish someone would just
help me for a change.

But don't you have an
old lady to help take the burden

- off your back?
- Oh, yeah, I do. Totally.

But she has a lot of anxiety.

It's like I'm the captain
of a spaceship?

And I like steering the ship,
it's awesome.

But I'm also white-knuckling it,
trying to keep us

from getting stuck
in a black hole.

I love it, but sometimes

it would be nice
for someone else

to steer the ship for a change.

I know that feeling, my man.

Hey, want to get out of here?

Maybe hang out somewhere
that isn't a toilet?

Oh. Yeah.

What were you thinking?

Yeah!

Oh, I almost forgot.

I'm supposed to meet Bertie
at that bar tonight.

Oh, yeah.

You want me to drop you off?

I can just unstrap you
and you can tuck and roll.

- What?
- Just kidding, buddy.

I'll swoop.

- Hey, why don't you join us?
- Oh, you betcha, my man.

Heck yeah.
Let's keep this hang gliding.

Oh, my God!

Hey, Bertie.

Hope it's okay I invited Cliff.
He's my new friend from work.

Nice to meet you, Cliff.

Hey, look at me,
I'm a cliff-hanger.

Huh? Oh.
'Cause of my name.

How did you...?
That's really clever.

Speckle,

you didn't tell me
she was funny.

Speckle, I got to go
to the bathroom.

You got the check, right?

Oh, leaving my man
to pick up the tab.

I guess feminism has its limits.

Right, my boy?

Uh-huh.

We have a joint
checking account.

Oh, relax. I'm just joking.

Well, sounds like
you're a chauvinist.

Oh. Just joking.

Ugh, that's so unfair.

How could I hate women when
I'm attracted to them, huh?

I guess what Speckle said
about you is true.

You are a black hole.

- What?
- Uh...

All you do is take, take, take.
You're just like my mom!

No.

What was that?
Wh-Why didn't you back me up?

Wh-What did you want me to do?

Punch him in the face
like some kind of meat head?

Huh? Is that the kind of guy
you want me to be?

Head of meat-ed?

No, but it's okay for you
to push back a little.

Make someone uncomfortable.

Stand up for yourself.
And for me.

Why do I always have
to be the one

to step up for others, huh?

The only reason
I even talked to that guy

is because he actually
listened to me

while we did a poo together.

What?

I don't know.
I can't explain it.

Do you think I'm a black hole?

No, no. I mean,

I said those words
when-when describing you,

but that's not actually
what I think of you.

You know, I think you're
a... giant candy cane.

Yeah. Candy canes are sweet
and fresh and pretty.

Just like you.

And then you lick
all the stripes off

and you've got a sharp,
white, candy knife.

Um...

Damn, bro, that was rough,

but it's a good thing
you're dumping her ass.

I know a place where we can find
chicks who don't talk back:

The Mannequin Warehouse.

Mostly female staff
and they're very meek,

so they let you do whatever
to the mannequins.

Get the hell away from me.

Um... can you do my tarot

or align my chakras
or something?

The Good Guy, yeah.

That's, that's what I thought
I was, but instead I'm a coward.

Can you help me be
that guy again?

Nobody is one thing.

You're right. I can choose
to be something else.

I can be this guy.

The Assertive Man.

No, not what I meant.

I got it. No need to say
anything else.

Get out of my way, door.

I'm walking. I'm running.

No one understands me.

Maybe if I spoke more,

people would misinterpret
my words less.

Or would there then be more
to misinterpret?

Uh, anyway, how are you?

I'm sorry, can we stop talking

about work, actually?

I had a really stressful day.

It's odd.

Speckle was supposed to take us
on a tour of the site.

He is never late.

You all want a tour?

I'll give you a tour!

Sorry, I'm late.

I slept in the car
and then I climbed that beam.

Now, why even bother pretending
that something affordable

can actually be built for people
who need it most, huh?

Why not just jack up the price
on these puppies

by 500%?
Then we can put

an infinity pool in every unit

and have them drip-drip-dribble
into each other.

Then, add slides so all
the stupid rich assholes

who buy these things can slide
from loft to loft

and all fuck each other!

Slow down, this sounds amazing.

We love this new direction.

Zargoz concurs.

Nice work, Speckle,
you've done it again.

Oh, you like that?

Well, here's another
new development.

Zargoz demands to know,
why is he squatting?

Ooh, I'm into this.

He's not... Oh, wow.

He is, he is!

Tuca orange.

I know, the guide
is totally working.

I'm glowing with health.

I've never felt better.

Yes, can I have
an orange carrot smoothie

with extra carrot? Ooh.

And a... and a whole carrot
on the side?

Aah! Bunny's had enough
woo-woo bullshit.

So annoying. It's not very sexy.

- You think I'm annoying?
- Uh-huh.

Doo-doo-doo-doot, you're dumped. ♪

I knew it.

I was right.

Plant signs
are total bullshit.

Everyone, the takeaway here
is, I was right.

I, Tuca, am correct once again.

I'm not lost.
I know exactly who I am.

Give me those gravel chips.

Speckle, are you okay?

- Where have you been?
- Never better.

I just took a shit
in front of my boss.

- Like a cool guy.
- What?

And guess what.
This cool guy got fired!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

I'm blowing up
my whole life here.

Oh! I'm not Mr. Good Guy.

I'm sorry, Bertie.
I'll go pack up my things.

You can keep the humidifier.
I don't deserve humidity.

- Shut up. Come here.
- But I...

Put your head on my lap.

Hey, look what I found.

It's the worry vacuum.

Wait, I like the one
when it says "Whoosh."

- I like that one.
- Good.

Whoosh.

- Is that better?
- Mmm, yeah.

Whoosh.

Whoo-Whoosh.

Huh?

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.