Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018): Season 12, Episode 4 - All The Shit I Need - full transcript

[clattering]

[grunt of effort]

[Barb] Bubbles!

Can I have a word, please?

Sure, Barb, what's going on?

What do you think
I have in my hands here?

Well, I would say that is a piece
of papier, as the French would say.

Very good. It is indeed
a piece of papier.

And what do you think
is on this piece of papier?

Well, by the way you're gritting
your old steak chewers there,

I'm guessing it's not good. Is it?



This is a quote
from a pest control company

to get rid of the rats
in the park, Bubbles.

Holy fuck! What are they doing,

dipping the cocksuckers
in liquid gold to get rid of them?

Bubbles, I'm sorry,
but you have got two choices.

You can either pay that or you can
shut down this operation. No, I...

-What?
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

But this is...
this is out of control!

As the French would say,
trop, c'est trop.

I don't know what that means!

Ugh. It means enough is enough!

Barb, this isn't really fair.

I mean, I told you, once the bottles
leave my property,

how is that my responsibility?



-Bubbles...
-No, I'm serious! I mean...

are you gonna tell the Burger Shack
they've got to start paying to clean up

all the cheeseburger wrappers and
semi-ingested fucking onion ring fragments

-that Randy blows all over the path?
-Bubbles!

That is not the same thing at all!

I believe that it is, Barb.
This is bullshit!

[Ricky] Hey, Bubs, what's going on?
What the fuck's happening?

-Why you getting upset?
-He's getting upset because of this.

This is the... contract
for the rat control in the park

and Bubbles needs to pay it
or shut down this operation.

-[whimpering]
-This is fucking insane!

Get rid of rats? I can get rid
of the little fuckers for half of this.

[laughing]

You think you can deal
with pest control for the park?

Fuck yeah. For a joke. The old man
was the master at dealing with rats.

Fucking knew every trick of the book.

Oh, okay, all right.
If you, uh, if you can prove to me

that you are capable of this,

I will give you the contract
for all of Sunnyvale

for half of half of this.

Fucking done. Are you kidding me?
I would've did it for half, Barb.

-Well, Ricky...
-Thank you, Barb.

-No problem.
-Thanks a lot.

Ricky, that...

[sigh]

-What?
-You just made a fucking terrible deal.

[theme music]

♪ And he said,
Hey, diddle, diddle ♪

♪ The fucking cat and the fiddle ♪

♪ The cow jumped over
the fucking moon ♪

Hey, Buddy, how's it going?

-Yeah, hey, Ricky... Ricky!
-What?

-What are you doing?
-Need to borrow the truck.

No, no, Ricky, Ricky, I can't loan you
the fucking truck. I've gotta use it.

What? Look, I only took the job from Barb
to help you out, man.

Well, Ricky, that's not really
fucking fair to say.

How are you gonna do that job
that cheap anyway?

I can easily do it for fucking half
of what they were talking about.

Ricky, you said you'd do it
for a quarter.

[laughing] A quarter?

I would never fucking do it for a quarter.
She said half of a half.

Come on, I'm doing this for you.

It's pretty fucked you're not gonna
lend me the truck.

[sighing]
Ricky... for fuck's sakes.

Just need it a couple hours,
pick up the shit I need for the job.

Come on, buddy.

[annoyed growl]

All right.

All right, but I need it back
this afternoon.

I've got deliveries to make.

-Hey, Bubs...
-No problem.

-I need to use your truck, man.
-What do I look like,

the fucking I'm-giving-out-free-trucks-
to-everybody guy?

What? Come on, this is important.

Yeah, well, what I do
is important too, Julian.

-Yeah?
-I couldn't loan it to you if I wanted to,

because apparently
I just loaned it to Ricky.

-That's right, buddy.
-How long you gonna be, man?

-I'll get it off you when you're done.
-No problem. I shouldn't be too long.

-Cool. Right on.
-[snapping fingers]

-Excuse me!
-What?

Do you see me standing here?
I'm in charge of my fucking truck.

I will decide who gets
to use it and when.

Well, not anymore.
Now I'm in charge,

'cause you loaned it to me, right?

-What?
-Isn't that the rule?

You loan something to somebody,
they're in charge until they give it back.

-Pretty sure...
-Yeah, no, that's...

-You're right, Ricky.
-I thought I was.

I forgot that was on the front page
of the fucking book of etiquette.

So you're in charge
of my truck, not me,

so give it to whoever
the fuck you want, Ricky.

-Perfect, man. Bubs...
-[Bubbles] No, no!

Holy fuck, somebody woke up
on the left side of the bed.

-Right on. Talk to you in a bit.
-See you in a bit.

I'm telling you, Randy,
it's a sure thing.

[slurring]
Look, just bet on him already!

Look, you're gonna have another $100
to bet with tomorrow.

And there'll be other sure things,
I'm sure. I'm hungry

and I'm gonna get something to eat
and see how much I have left over.

Oh, Randy...

-Hello.
-Hi.

Could I get a extra-large order
of onion rings...

-[cash register whirring]
-...a cheeseburger with two extra patties

and six slices of cheese...

two hot-dogs with cheese and bacon,

and a large popcorn with layered butter.

And can you do four layers on that?

-[cash register whirring]
-Extra-large rings;

cheeseburger, two ex-pats, six slices;
two dogs, add cheese, bacon;

large popcorn, four layers.
Is that everything?

Uh, could you, uh,
poutine-up the rings?

And give me two large beer
and two ice cream sandwiches.

You want anything, Mr. Lahey?

No, I'm good.

Okay, that's everything.

$49.25.

There's 50.
Keep the change.

Randy, come on, let's go place a bet
while they're cooking that shit up.

-No, Mr. Lahey.
-What?

You know what? It's not my fault
you lost all your money in 10 minutes.

I'm in charge of my own money
and I decide who I'm betting on and when.

Randy, look, I get $100 allowance, right?

-Yeah.
-Okay. You can keep my tomorrow's $100

if you give me $50 now.
I got a sure fucking thing, Randy.

You wanna bet your tomorrow money?

Yeah, of course. Look, Randy...
I'll tell you what.

If I lose, you get tomorrow's 100,
and if I win, I'll split half with you.

You can't lose, bud.

Let me have some food
and I'll think about it, Mr. Lahey.

Oh, Randy!
For fuck's sakes!

Hey, boys, what's up?

Hey, Mr. Finch.
What's up, man?

-Rascal, what's going on, man?
-What's up, man?

-T. Mr. Green.
-Hi, buddy.

I need you to steal some shit
for me down at the mall.

When you say steal some shit,
define "steal some shit."

Just got to take some furniture,
bring it back to my trailer.

-That's it, man. It's easy.
-No way.

Not after what happened
the other day.

Ricky almost shot at us for real, man.

And we didn't get paid
for that fucking thing.

Okay, well, now you will.

-What you got?
-I confiscated this down at the mall, man.

It's yours. Plus 100 bucks cash
as soon as the job's done.

Well man, we can... we can pick it up,
but we ain't stealing it.

-[Julian sighing]
-We ain't stealing it, man.

All right. Okay. I guess I could get
somebody else to steal it,

but you've gotta be there
at 2:00 sharp or I'm fucked.

-That's when the shift changes.
-2:00.

-Can do 2:00. I got you.
-You gonna be there for me?

-We got you, bro.
-All right.

-Thanks, boys.
-[mixed chatter]

[Tyrone] We all split it, yeah?

Great job, everybody.
We're getting there.

[girl] This is so gross.

What the fuck does this
have to do with hockey?

Actually this has everything to do
with hockey, okay?

This is about the...
the business side of things,

and managing your money,
that sort of shit.

Do you know how many professional
hockey players go bankrupt?

-Do you?
-No. Do you? I doubt it.

Actually I do, you little snot,
but I was asking you guys if you knew.

All right, I'm done shovelling this stuff
for $1 an hour.

Yeah, fuck this. This is bullshit.

Actually, it's not bullshit,
it's cow shit there, dickhead.

This is how it's gonna be, is it?
Let me tell you this.

We're not leaving here
till that is full.

If the farmer that owns this place
comes back and catches us doing this,

he's gonna shoot at us.
He already shot me twice.

Are you serious?
We could get shot?

-That's crazy!
-[Ricky] Yeah, it is crazy.

So let's get this done fast
so we can get the fuck out of here!

I'm scared.
I do not wanna get shot.

Okay, listen.
I didn't mean that.

No one's gonna get shot.
I was kind of joking.

If he does come back, we're fine.

-[gun clicking]
-I've got this.

Oh, my God.
Is that a real gun?

Yeah, but it's just to protect us.
Don't freak out.

[girl] Okay, let's pick up the pace, team.

-Great idea.
-Yeah, let's do this.

-Oh, for fuck's sakes.
-Quit your whining.

Get that little mini-shovel and get
as much dirt in there as you fucking can!

I don't know. This is a tough call.
I mean...

What's the story on this lamp?
This is really nice.

Yeah, well, it's my favourite.
I actually have one in my office.

-Oh, no way.
-If you'd like to see it in a more...

-intimate setting.
-Hmm... I...

This is tough though, 'cause I like
this one as well. Like...

this one's got a...
like, a thinner base.

-This is a bigger base.
-I actually would like to show you...

No, no, I... This is the one here
or this is the one.

I mean, I've gotta pick one of these.

They're both pretty
expensive though, right?

Well, you get what you pay for...

[chuckling] ...as they say.

I mean, you know, we could maybe
discuss the uh...

possibility of a discount arrangement,
if you're interested.

[Julian] Copy that.

[sighing]
Let me see. Since I'm a guy,

you know, I'm horrible at this stuff.

I don't know.
Big base? Little base?

Big base?
Little base?

I always go for a bigger base.

-Mm-hmm.
-Is the room quite small?

Sometimes a small base is... better...

Okay, you know what?
I can't decide.

This is isn't gonna happen today.
I'm sorry. I apologize.

I'm gonna go check your locks
and stuff out back.

Maybe we'll discuss this some other time.
All right? Thank you.

You know what?
You're hot.

Just had to say that,
get that out there.

All right. Talk to you.

If you need me, I've got a walkie
right here. Call me anytime.

Okay.

[Cory and Jacob arguing]

What the fuck...

What are you fucking boneheads doing?

-I don't know, man...
-How did you manage this?

You guys are fucking dumb,
you know that?

-You're fucking dumb!
-Oh, fuck...

-Jeez, turn around!
-[Jacob] Ahh!

Jesus Christ.

What the fuck is that still doing here?

Well, dude, with the tangling
and the screaming

and everything else going on...
And T's not even here, dude.

-[annoyed sigh]
-Just say that. So, nothing is my fault.

-Fuck!
-[Jacob] We could probably push it back

to the trailer for you, Julian.
It might take a while though.

Come on. Come on.
Answer the fucking phone.

[phone ringing]

[Julian] T, man, why the fuck do you guys
all have your cellphones turned off?

-[laughter]
-Come on, T!

I was counting on you guys.

Do you know how much bullshit
this is creating for me right now?

You better not be sitting around

smoking that weed
I gave you guys.

-That was for payment!
-[laughing harder]

You guys are getting
fucked up, aren't you?

Fuck's sakes, man.

I want my weed back!

-Thanks!
-[answering machine beeps]

-[buzz saw whirring]
-Keep going, keep going...

-Okay, good!
-[whirring stops]

Perfect, little buddy.

Holy fuck, it's hot out today.

Why do you use
so many bad words?

They're just words.
What makes them fucking bad?

-[Brendan] Good fucking point.
-How is that not stealing?

I thought the rule was
you can't steal from trailer parks.

You can't steal from this trailer park.
Other trailer parks are fair game.

At Crescent Heights,
they stole a bunch of our residents.

It's only fair we take a bit
of their trailer security.

That's not stealing,
that's called being fair.

No. That's still stealing.
Have you ever been tested

-for a learning disorder?
-[cellphone ringing]

Have you ever been tested
for being a dick? That's enough.

Hey, Julian.

I can't bring it there right now, man,
I'm still using it.

What kind of fucking emergency?

Oh, for fuck's sakes.
All right, I'll do it for 100 bucks,

but you're gonna owe me.
I'll be right there.

Goddammit.
What the fuck.

[Bubbles] Ricky!

Ricky, what in the flying fuck did you do?

-[Ricky] What'd you mean?
-Give me the keys!

I can't. I'm still using it.

Oh, my fuck!

Ricky, my poor little truck.
You ruined it!

-Ruined it? How? It's not ruined.
-It's full of poop!

Okay. Did I not say this morning
I need to borrow your truck

to pick up all this shit I need
for this job? Did I not say that?

Well, yes, technically, Ricky.
But I didn't know you meant literal shit!

Oh, my fuck! Look at my poor truck,
the poop's seeping right into the wood.

-It's ruined.
-It's just a bit of cow manure.

It washes off.
When you fall in a pile of shit,

you have a shower, clean it up.
I'll get the kids to clean it.

[Brendan] I'm not cleaning
that fucking thing.

[girl] Me neither.

Ricky, empty it out right now.
I'm taking it.

I can't, Julian hired me for a job
and I need to use it for that.

-It's my truck!
-I know, did you not also say this:

I'm in charge of the truck
until I give it back?

You said, "You're in charge
until you give it back." Right?

I said it, but I was being sarcastic.
Okay.

Since you take everything literally,
listen to my fucking words, Ricky.

I want the truck back
by the end of the day,

shit-free, smelling like
1,000 fucking roses.

Oh, yeah, like I can afford 1,000 roses.
Okay. Jesus Christ.

-[annoyed huff]
-What?

All right, kids,
stop what you're doing.

Pile in the back of the truck.
We've gotta go help Julian.

Step on the tarp
so you don't get shit on you.

Hang on tight.
We'll be going on the highway.

[child] Okay.

[indistinct chatter on loudspeaker]

Randy, could we please just go
to the pick-up window?

We already missed two races

from your goddamned
un-decisiveness.

I just can't decide
between Pineapple Cream,

Rainbow Unicorn
or Flipsy-Flopsy, Mr. Lahey.

Randy, all three of those horses
are losers.

It's Muscle Beach or Gladiator Stance,
I'm telling you!

Okay. Go ahead,
you can bet on those horses.

Lose your tomorrow money, Mr. Lahey.
I don't care.

All right, I will.

Excuse me. Hi.

I'd like to place a bet on
Gladiator Stance to place, pretty please.

Okay.

Thank you.

♪ Luck be a horsey tonight ♪

-♪ Luck be a pony tonight... ♪
-Hello.

-Hello.
-I just can't decide between these three.

They all sound so yummy.

Oh. Well, you can bet on all three
of them in a trifecta, if you want,

and they can finish in any order.

I didn't know that.
That sounds great. I'll do it.

Well, Randy, bidding
on th-three long shots...

to come first, second, or third,

that's the stupidest bet that anyone
can ever make in their life.

Use your goddamn head, bud!

Good. I like betting on the underdog,
Mr. Lahey.

Why do you think I've been with you?

Right.

Okay, careful, girls, don't get any
shit smears on the sofa.

Jesus Christ, Ricky, I told you
this stuff was gonna stink.

What the fuck you talking about?
It smells fine.

-It doesn't smell fine.
-Well, lookie, lookie, lookie!

I notice I still don't have a bathroom,
you moronic fucking cuckoo bird.

I told you, I'm waiting on supplies!
I'm fucking... it'll get done, I promise!

Well, that's very good,

because until that time,
I will be using your facilities.

Oh, and I've got
the worst diarrhea. Ugh!

You better use some spray
or light a match this time!

-It's fucking disgusting.
-[car approaching]

[Bubbles] Are you guys fucking joking?

Are you joking right now?

Unbelievable.

Now, let me guess.
There's still shit in the truck.

Yeah, still a big pile of shit.

Shit on my fucking brake pedal,
my gas pedal, and the steering wheel.

-What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
-It's fucking fine!

You got a good sniffer on you.
Give that a sniff.

-Tell me if it smells like shit to you.
-I don't need to give that a sniff.

I'll tell you right now, unequivocally,
that, yes, it does smell like shit.

And where'd you get the money
to buy all this, Julian? Let me guess.

I get an employee discount
down at the mall, Bubs.

You get an employee di...
At the whole fucking mall, do you?

-Yeah.
-An employee discount. Unbelievable.

Do you feel that in the air, boys?
Do you feel that?

You know what that is?
It's disappointment!

That's all I feel for you guys.

-[Ricky] Why?
-Every time.

Oh, fuck off, Ricky.

My fuck, Ricky, there's a huge shit
smear right on my fucking armrest!

-You kidding me?
-Just get a can of the breeze,

-it'll fucking make that as good as new.
-How's it gonna take the stain out?

It's what the breeze does. It fucking
goes in and blows it fucking...

way over there somewhere.
Hey, babe!

-Hey, sweetheart.
-[Brendan] Hi.

Hi!
How was hockey camp today?

We're not doing hockey stuff.

We're helping Julian
move stolen furniture.

Ricky's paying us $1 each.

That's right.

That's what you've been doing today?

No, we were shovelling shit
under trailers earlier,

-but we got paid for that too.
-That's right, buddy.

-Fuckin' serious?
-What the fuck?

-Huh? Really?
-Well, hold on a second!

I was teaching them some other stuff.

About building muscles
and money and...

-Yeah?
-...different stuff like that.

You are so full of shit, Ricky.

You're full of shit!

Get in the car, Brendan.
I'm not gonna tell you again.

-All right. Stop fucking raging.
-My God, mind your fucking mouth!

Does this mean you aren't
fucking staying tonight?

No, I guess not, Rick.

He's fucking not going anywhere.
I'm not done shovelling shit.

-I need all hands on deck.
-Well, his hands are going home.

Get in the car, Brendan!
Get in the car!

We are so fucking done, Ricky.
We are fucking done!

What? Are you fucking kidding me
right now? Go fuck yourself then.

If you're gonna break up
with me again

over a bit of stolen furniture
and a pile of shit that got shovelled,

then go fuck yourself!
This was never true love, was it?

And I'm looking for true fucking love!
So get the fuck out of here then!

Well, good luck to you,
you fucking dork!

For fuck's sakes.

God, I'm glad she's not my mother.

Jesus.

Alright, grab your shovels, kids, we're
gonna have to fucking pick up the pace.

You're gonna have to dig a little
deeper to make up for Brendan.

Good news: I'm gonna let you split
Brendan's dollar, all right?

[kids cheering]

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby.

[Mr. Lahey] Who's that?

Look! That's one of yours, Randy.

Look, that's one of...
That's one...!

-That's one...!
-Yes!

You! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

I don't believe it, Randy!
I don't fucking believe it!

You won, bud!
You won! You won!

What are you so excited for?
Your horse came dead last, Mr. Lahey.

Well, Randy,
I don't think you understand.

You picked the trifecta, bud!
We're rich!

Oh, that was my money and my bets.
There's no "we're" anything.

And you owe me 100 bucks
for tomorrow.

Okay, sorry, Randy.
You're right, absolutely right.

Congratulations, big guy.

You know, something
I've never been able to say to you

in all these years, Randy:

you're a winner.

You're my little wiener.

Thanks, Mr. Lahey.

I really like coming down here
and spending time with you.

And they feed me like a king.

If I win a little bit more money,
Mr. Lahey,

I'm hiring that Assistant Assistant
Trailer Park Supervisor.

Randy, what are you talking about?
You already won $2,500.

-$2,500?
-Yeah!

You hit an almost
impossible trifecta, bud.

I'm hiring the Assistant Assistant
then, Mr. Lahey!

Excellent.

My trifecta triple-decker
smoked meat Rand-wich.

Let's go collect your winnings.

-All right.
-Here, let's go.

Ta-da!
We're winners, folks!

Make sure you get in all the cracks too
or Bubbles will be whining.

You know what he's fucking like.
Nice job, everybody.

This is what an honest, hard day's work
feels like. Apparently.

You worked really hard, so guess what?

With Brendan's money,
you each get $5.

-What?
-That's ridiculous.

-We worked for eight hours!
-[boy] That's less than a dollar an hour.

It's pretty fucking good,
if you ask me, but anyway...

[Barb] Ricky?

Ricky, it's true? You are actually
putting cow manure under the trailers?

Have you lost your mind?
Mrs. Johnson is livid.

She's... she's threatening
to sue the park.

Does she want to sue the park, or the rats
to stop eating her fucking wires?

The old man used to do this.
There's nothing cheaper,

-nothing works better than cow shit.
-[Barb] Oh, gosh, I see.

So this was one of Ray's techniques?
Okay.

So, I'm sorry to tell you this, Ricky,

but, in fact, your father was probably
one of the stupidest people on the planet.

[Ricky] Oh, is that right?

[Barb] Yes. Yes. I'm sorry,
but that is right.

So what I want, Ricky, is I want a...

I want a solution to the problem,
a real solution, and I want it now!

[Ricky] No problem.
You want a solution right now?

How about go fuck yourself
and deal with that by yourself?

-Children!
-How's that for a fucking solution?

Children!

[sighing] Oh, my fuck.

Kids, I'm sorry that
Barb's being a crusty bitch!

Because she's being a crusty bitch
and now I have no work,

I'm gonna have to take that $5 back.
I'm sorry.

No way.

-What?
-Fuck that.

No fucking way, Ricky.

-I need the money.
-Run for it!

-Go!
-Fuck you!

You fucking prick!

-Fuck you, Ricky!
-[Ricky] You little fuckers!

-The fuck is wrong with kids these days?
-Fuck you, Ricky!

[from afar] Ahhh! Fuck you!

For fuck's sakes.

[Sarah] I'm so excited
to show this to you.

-Right on.
-Ready?

-Yes, I am.
-Come on.

Hey, Bubs, come check out
my new place, man.

Oh, come on, don't be like that, Bubs.

Sorry, Sarah, did you say something
in a deep, muscular voice?

Sort of in a tone you might hear
a gigantic dickhead say it in?

-For fuck's sakes.
-Look, he'll get over it, okay? Let's go.

-Come on.
-My eyes are closed.

Okay, wait. Shoes off, please.
Take your fucking shoes off.

What are you, animals? Jesus.

-Okay, ready?
-All right, I'm ready.

And...

ta-da!

Holy fuck!

Are you kidding me?

Jesus Christ, Sarah!

It's like an MTV Cribs episode here.
This looks just like P. Diddy's place.

-Thank you.
-Look at the sofa, it's perfect here.

-I got the shit smell out of it. Right?
-Oh, right on. Wow!

Um... can you use a coaster, please?

Coaster? Why?
I don't use coasters.

Well, you do now.

Julian, you wanted me to make
your place look nice,

and it looks fucking great, right?

-It looks beautiful.
-Well, if you want it to stay like this,

you're gonna have
to make some changes.

Wow.

Well, here goes nothing.

[knocking]

Oh. Can I help you?

Yeah. Look, I'm sorry I fucking told you
to go fuck yourself.

[laughing] Well, what's new?

I also sort of later on,
I screamed out

that you were a nasty, evil,
crusty whore bitch from hell.

Oh. Well, I didn't know about that.

Well, I did and I'm sorry. I was wondering
if you would let me keep the job.

Oh... Ricky.

No, it's done.

I can't deal with the tenants complaining
about the... about the smell all the time.

I mean, look, I called around.

I know that you do it cheaper
than anybody else around here will,

but I can't ask the residents of Sunnyvale
to deal with manure under their...

under their trailers.

Let me convince the residents.
I mean, shit is the best solution.

-[sighing]
-They just need to realize

that the smell's only going to last three,
four weeks tops. That's not that bad!

Oh, Ricky...

-All right, look...
-I don't know.

Please. I really, really need
this fucking job right now, okay?

I've got no money, Susan just fucking
dumped me, and I'm at the lowest I've been

in a long, long time.

Oh, well, I'm...

I'm sorry to hear about Susan.
I didn't...

And I mean, I...
I can... I can relate.

I-I'm not feeling
any too great myself these days.

Look...

why don't you come
inside for a drink?

If you can show me one or...

two or...

three good reasons

why I should let you keep your job,

then... um...

maybe I'll reconsider.

[sigh]

All right, let's get this going.

Where and how do you want me?

[theme music]

[seagulls squawking]

[fish] Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck!...

Fuck off! Jesus Christ!

[whispering] Fuck.

-[light clicks off]
-Fuck off.