Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018): Season 11, Episode 6 - Episode #11.6 - full transcript
Oh, fuck.
What time is it?
Cameraman:
9:30.
Oh, for fuck's sakes!
All right, I'll
be out in a minute.
So what's up, Bubbles?
Do you want to
tell me what's wrong?
Well, it's just...
you know, I've got
some things going on
and you're always
such a good listener.
I thought maybe
we could talk.
Yeah, well, thank you.
You know you
can talk to me
any time about anything.
(Cat meowing)
Well, it's just that...
I think I might be coming
a little bit attached
to Coolnow.
I don't know exactly
how to deal with it.
(Laugh)
What's wrong with that?
Well, I just...
you know, I...
feel like I'm kind
of cheating on
my kitties, you know.
They're... always been
my main thing and...
Hey, you know what?
You're right,
You probably should
cool it with Coolnow.
Oh, fuck!
I knew it.
Yeah. Like,
look at this guy.
He's really neglected.
He's so jealous.
Look.
Oh my God,
I knew it!
He hates Coolnow,
I think...
Bubbles...
Sorry , Coolnow.
I'm just kidding!
Of course it's okay
to love Coolnow.
It doesn't mean you love
your kitties any less.
You think so?
Yeah, it's totally fine.
You guys can all live
in the shed together
like a big happy family.
Hey, what do you
think of that?
(Footsteps approaching)
(Giggling)
Who's a good Papa's dog?
Bubs, why the fuck
didn't you wake me up?
We're late! Let's go!
Well, Ricky's still here.
I didn't think there
was a big fucking rush.
Ricky's still here?!
Ricky, what the
fuck are you doing?
You were supposed to
be down at the rink
a half hour ago
letting in the kids.
The plants need food, man!
Ricky, why do you
got frozen hot dogs
on your unit?
I can't move, boys.
Fucking something
going on with my nuts.
They're fucking
killing me.
You jacked off too
soon, didn't you?
Didn't ya?
Oh, he cranked it.
You know he cranked it.
How long did you
fucking wait, Ricky?
Almost two days.
Two days!
Two fucking days!
Sam said two weeks!
What are you thinking?
I couldn't fucking
take it. I was horny.
It was fucking up my brain!
Now look at me.
Fucking all black
and swollen up
like a couple of
canned antelopes!
Oh, my Jesus!
'cause they're infected, Ricky!
Look at them!
Is that bad?
Is it bad for your
balls to be infected?
Yeah.
We've got to get him
to the hospital. Let's go...
No, no, no.
First we gotta get
down to the rink
before the parents
start freaking out.
It's all good,
Julian. Dad's down
there dealing with it.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
Lahey?
Yeah, my dad.
Oh, Lord baby Jesus.
You're calling
him Dad now?
That's what you call
someone that makes you
with their cock, Julian!
(Theme music)
He's been living in
your trailer for one week
and you totally trust him?
What the fuck is
wrong with you?
Holy fuck, man!
It's not a big deal!
He went down and turned
the lights on and let
the kids in. It's fine!
It's not fine!
Think about it!
You think about it.
My dad warned me
Randy was fucking
moving in to bust us
with the plants.
That's why I moved them.
Why the fuck
would he do that?
Would you please
just use your brain
this one time, Ricky?
What's going to
get us more time
if we get busted?
Some clones, or a
rink full of plants, huh?
I'm telling you,
man, you're wrong.
Dad's on our side.
Would you stop
calling him that?
Rick... just think
about all the shit he's
done to us in our past,
all the times
he tried to fucking...
fuck us over and all the
effort he put into it, man.
Just think about that!
This could be his
biggest fuck-over ever
and it's gonna be
because of you.
Oh, fucking slutty
mother of horny Mary!
I never really thought
about it like that.
Oh, for fuck's sakes!
Fuck me!
What if you are right?
If he really
that fucking smart?
He could be.
He's not drinking.
We've got to find
out the truth, boys.
Bubs, have you got
anything there?
I don't know, Julian.
It's all medical fucking
jargon, chromosomes-this
and fucking
haemoglobin-that.
I don't have the
bandwidth for this.
Well, we've got to find
somebody with the brand-width.
Like, who the fuck
can we get to do this?
The same guy that's
gonna fix your nuts.
At Sam's clinic.
Seriously? You couldn't
wait two fucking days?
You truly are
a fucking idiot.
Why don't you
fuck off, okay?
I've been dealing with some
pretty heavy shit lately.
I had to fucking jack it.
Oh, yeah.
I heard about that.
Of all the fucking
people in the world,
he's potentially
your father.
(Laugh)
Maybe we should let
him die. He'd probably
be better off.
Can you help us
prove Lahey's not
his dad or what?
Look, that would
take DNA, and it's
beyond my capabilities.
But, if we were to get
Lahey's blood type,
his blood type and
his mother's blood type,
I might be able
to help you out.
Yeah, well good luck
with that one, guys.
Wait, now. So if
we can get everybody's
blood type,
you'll be able
to tell whether
he's lying or not?
Maybe.
But what do you got?
What do you mean,
what do I got?
Well, the Jeep is
fucking driving great,
but that was for not
cutting off his cock.
This is a whole
new fucking deal.
Listen, you
big-lipped fuck!
You're gonna tell us
and you're gonna
fix up his fucking bag
or I'm going to knock
those big, stupid teeth
down your goddamn throat
and I'm going to burn
your fucking place
down to the ground!
You got it?
Okay, okay! I'll do it,
if... you burn
this place down.
What?
Look, the business
isn't doing
what I fucking thought
it was going to do.
Obviously I know
fuck-all about Botox.
I've got people coming
after me trying to sue me.
But I do have two
insurance policies.
So, if you burn this
fucking place down,
I'll make a killing.
Deal?
(Whispering)
Julian, don't do it.
Come on. Deal?
Fuck, you're greasy.
Yes!
Deal.
Right.
So just like that?
Let's fucking add arson
to the fucking litany
of charges facing us.
There's nothing
wrong with my arse.
It's my...
my nut-bag.
No, arson, Ricky!
(Sighs)
Whoever alphabetized this
should be taken out
and kicked in the nuts.
Shh.
Just keep looking.
Well, they're not
in any fucking order.
There are just Q's and J's
and fucking everything!
Oh, just wait!
Here's Lahey!
I've got Jim Lahey
right there.
Oh, for fuck's sakes!
There's no Flower
over here, man.
Well, it's not going
to be under Flower.
Think about it.
What?
It's Ray Flower.
No, it's Ray Lafleur.
He changed it to Flower.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
The truckers were
always teasing him,
calling him fucking
Frenchie and frog lips
and poutine face,
and he was like,
“Fuck you guys, my
name's Ray Flower now”"
Lafleur.
It's right here, Bubs,
right in front of
your fucking face!
Well, it's not
in any order!
Look, it's in between
a Z and a fucking R!
Here's Tammy's.
It's not my fucking fault.
Oh, this is the jackpot,
though, Julian.
There's Ray's blood
right there: type A.
Raymond Lafleur.
Tammy's the same thing.
So what's that mean?
I don't now what it means
but it's fucking
critical information.
Look at this:
Sexual Health Report.
Look how many times
he had chlamydia!
(Chuckling)
Holy fuck!
Call Guinness Records!
(Wheezing laughter)
Just gotta get Lahey's,
and we'll be all set.
Yeah, do you think
he's just going
to give it to us?
All we can do
now is ask him.
We're not going
to fucking ask
him for it, man!
He's going to know
we're up to something.
But how the fuck are
we going to get it?
I know how
to do this, okay.
It'll be easy.
Let's go. Come on!
Okay, that should
just about do it.
Now don't be jacking it
or fucking anybody for
the next two weeks
or you're going
to wind up right
back in here again.
You got it, dummy?
Yeah, trust me,
I'm never fucking
going through
this again.
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah...?
How do you keep
your bag so soft?
I mean, do you use any
special creams or oils?
What?
Not in a g-gay way.
I mean, I've been working
on mine for a long time
and it's like
a calloused
old alligator
and a porcupine
fucked and had a baby.
Listen, I'm not going
to fucking sit here
and have a conversation
with you about how to keep
your fucking bag soft.
Are we done here?
Almost.
So this IV should take
about 45 minutes to go
through your system.
Best thing for you to do
is to get back on
the gurney, lay back
and relax, okay?
Come on. Get back
on the gurney.
Yeah, good idea, actually.
Shut my stupid fucking
brain down for a bit.
Here, let me help you.
Here you go.
Just keep your fucking
hands off me. Thanks.
Okay.
Oh, fuck.
(Phone rings)
You gonna fucking
answer for me today,
you asshole?
Oh, right on.
Hello.
Hey, Dad.
What? What the fuck are
you talking about? When?
Oh, God damn it.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I'll be right there!
Not a good idea, Ricky.
Not a good idea!
What are the
kids up to?
The kids? Well, they went home.
It's pitch black in there.
Ricky: Did you
call the power company?
Power company said,
first thing in the morning.
That's the best they can do.
First thing in the morning,
oh my... motherfuckers,
(Muttering)
that's not going to work.
The plants are going
to fucking die.
First thing in the
morning, seriously?
Seriously.
Those fucking assholes!
Yeah, they are
a bunch of assholes...
That's not going to work!
We need to get to them
right the fuck now!
Listen, Rick...
We've got to get the
fucking power back on!
You're going to have
to calm down, son.
For fuck's sakes...
Don't worry about a thing, Rick.
Everything's going to be okay.
Fucking assholes.
Fuck me!
I'll call you back, Son.
What the fuck is
going on, Randy?
(Slurring)
No big deal, it's just a
couple drinkie-poos,
Mr Lahey.
You're drunk!
Yeah, I'm frigging drunk!
Listen, Randy.
You've got to get
the hell out of here
before the cops come.
Frig the cops!
Let them come.
I guess you'll just have
to cover for me, bud.
Randy, you crashed
a motor vehicle under
the influence.
It's going to be pretty
fucking hard for me to
cover you for this one!
Oh, really?
Well, what about all
the times I covered for
you when you were drunk
and crashing cars
and pissing yourself
and shooting people?
Randy, just keep it down.
You're begging for people
to call the police.
(Shouting)
Oh, am I being too loud?
I'm sorry for frigging
being too loud, everybody!
And guess what?
I'm frigging resigning
as assistant trailer
park supervisor!
Frig it!
(Sobbing)
I can't take it, Mr. Lahey.
I can't take it.
Randy, it's going
to be okay, bud.
Look, just calm down.
I can't take it.
I'm here for you.
Come on.
Let's get in the car
and we'll take
you home, okay?
I don't know,
Mr. Lahey.
Come on, Randy.
I love you, bud.
Come on, get in the car.
You do?
You still love me?
You're darn right
I do, Randy.
It's going to be okay.
Come on, bud.
(Clicking)
Fuck off!
Oh, fuck!
Holy fuck!
Gorilla Fingers?
Oh, hi, Ricky.
Hey, man.
Listen, I go
by Grant now.
Mr. Gorilla Fingers is
a thing of the past, okay?
And listen. I don't have
any spare change either.
I gave it all to the
guy inside for a tip.
I'm not bumming change
here, cock face.
So you're working for
the power company now, huh?
Let's just say it was
time for a... uhh...
a little change
of scenery.
Yeah, I bet.
Being a prison guard's
the worst job ever, man.
People think you're
a fucking asshole
right off the bat.
I would have
quit long ago.
Well, I didn't
actually quit,
you see...
they were accusing
me of doing things
down there, and...
I decided to get lost
before they made a mountain
out of a molehill, you know?
Yeah, I get it.
Look, man, I could
really use your help.
I've got a serious
fucking power problem.
Can you come and have
a look at it for me?
Ah... Listen,
just put in a work order
like everyone else, okay?
Look man, I don't
have time for this.
Between me and you,
I'm growing a bit of dope
and I've got a serious
fucking problem...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no.
If there's dope
involved here,
man, I'm out.
I'm not... going to
risk my job over something
like this. No way.
Come on, man.
That's not very good
customer service.
Forget about it, man.
Well, you know what?
I was trying to be
a nice guy here.
Now look what you
made me fucking do!
Hey!
Get the fuck in the
van and get over
the other side.
Get in there!
...fucking shit!
What's the matter
with you?
Pansy.
(Indistinct shout)
Fuck's sakes...
Fuck off!
Fuck me slowly,
would you relax!
Jesus Christ!
(Engine ignition)
Julian:
Hey, guys.
Hey, Julian.
Boom! That's what
I'm talking about.
All right, bring it in,
bring it in.
All right, I need you guys
to round up some bottles.
I got a little mission
for you, okay?
We don't do
that shit anymore.
Throwing bottles at
people is kids' stuff.
Oh, come on!
I'll give you guys a
big bag of chips each.
(Giggling)
Chips? Nobody wants
chips anymore.
All right, what
do you want, then?
Liquor.
(Whimper)
Okay, I can respect that.
I'll give you a pint.
What? No fucking way!
You're not giving
liquor to the kids!
Bubs, it's a pint
between six of them, man.
It's not going to
fuck them up. Relax.
Think about what
you just said.
Repeat that back
to yourself.
We'll do it for a pint.
Julian:
Okay.
And some cigarettes.
No fucking way, Ronnie.
You're not getting cigarettes!
Who's the target?
Lahey. I want you
to aim for the head
but not the face, okay?
Make sure you don't
stop until you see
blood. Got it?
All right, pound it.
Oh, my fuck.
Unbelievable.
(Engine whirring)
That ought to do it.
Fucking awesome,
Gorilla... Grant.
You're a fucking
life-saver, man.
I thought I was gonna
lose all my babies.
No hard feelings?
Well, I don't know
about that, Rick.
My boss has got this
thing GPS'd, okay?
I'm not going to get
fired over this stuff.
I'm going to have to
tell him some fuckwad
with a gun held me up!
What the fuck are
you talking about?
Listen, man.
You seem like a nice guy.
But you make a lot of bad
decisions all the time.
I'm not going to get
fired over this.
Hold the fuck on here!
We can work this out.
What if I was to set
you up with... what about
a bunch of lobsters?
Have a big lobster
party back at your
fucking office?
Yeah, that sounds
pretty good, actually.
My boss is a real pig
when it comes to that
fancy rich food.
There we go.
That's the spirit.
Let me make
a call, all right?
You fuck with me today,
you're getting smashed!
Just fucking letting
you know, dickhead!
Yeah, what about
the garlic butter
and the salad?
Can you throw in
that stuff too?
What the fuck
do you think?
Hey, Julian.
How's it going, man?
Well, not great.
Remember Gorilla Fingers,
the guard at jail?
Yeah, well, he works for
the power company now.
I kidnapped him at gunpoint
and he says he's going
to fucking tell on me.
How soon could you
get me, like, 20,
30 pounds of lobster?
Tonight? You can have
them by the morning.
Is that cool?
That sounds awesome.
That's fucking
perfect, Julian.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, whatever, Ricky.
God damn it!
Looks like I'm poaching
lobsters tonight,
thanks to fuckhead.
Why, what did he do now?
He kidnapped a power
employee at gunpoint.
What?
Yup.
Oh my fuck.
(Screeching, thud)
Randy:
Camel balls!
Sorry, Mr. Lahey.
Lahey: Oh, Randy...
I'll be right
back. I gotta pee.
Julian, I've got
a fucking bad
feeling about this.
Bubs...
There's got to
be another option.
Listen to me.
Lahey's been fucking us
over our entire lives.
He even tried to kill us,
for Christ's sakes!
This is not going
to be that bad.
Don't worry about it.
Child:
Let's get him!
(Glass shattering)
Lahey:
(Groaning)
Child:
Keep hitting him.
Bubbles: Oh, my fuck!
Jesus Christ, Julian!
They're going to kill him!
Children:
Good one! Come on,
one more! Keep going!
It's too much!
It's too much!
Call it off right now!
No, no, hang on,
I told them not to stop
until there was blood.
Child:
I think I hit him in the head.
Lahey: (Growling)
No, fuck this!
I'm going in.
No, no, no!
Just wait a bit longer.
Wait...
Child:
Keep going!
Oh, my fuck.
They're going to kill him!
Okay, here.
Get some blood
on these, put it in
the bag. Hurry up.
What? I'm not doing that!
You fucking do it!
Bubs, I can't fucking
do that! Think about it.
If I go in and fucking
try to save him,
he's gonna be totally
suspicious about that.
Hurry up, they're going
to fucking kill him!
Hurry up!
You're an asshole!
Children: That's enough, you
guys. He's bleeding. Let's
get the fuck out of here!
...get back here!
You stop right there!
Jesus Murphy!
Those little bastards!
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Here, get up.
(Grunting)
I'm okay, Bubbles.
I'm okay.
I was just out... uhh...
collecting bugs with
that and I was...
starting to get a cold and
just about to blow my nose.
Here, you're bleeding.
Luckily I've got some
nice fresh tissue there.
(Groans)
Oh, Bubbles...
Get back here right now!
Who hired you,
you little frigging punk?
Who hired you?
Okay. Yes, sir.
Here, you take
one for yourself.
Keep some pressure on that.
But I think I left
the iron on in my shed.
I gotta get back.
I'll throw that away.
Okay?
Okay, Bubbles.
You take care of yourself.
That was fucking terrible.
That was terrible.
Who hired you to do
this, right now? Tell me!
(Groaning)
Okay. Julian promised
us a pint of rum. Ow!
He said not to stop
until there was blood.
Julian!
How'd you make out, man?
Julian, that was
fucking horrible!
That was fucked!
That can never
happen again!
That was fucked.
I didn't think it
would be anywhere near
that fucking crazy.
Did you get the blood?
Yes, I got his blood!
Okay, all we can do now
is go and see Sam and
see what he has to say.
Oh, that's all we can do?
Maybe we could actually
just get rid of that
and forget that we tried
to just kill Mr. Lahey.
Bubs, if we don't
use the blood
to figure out if
he's Ricky's father,
then he just went
through that attack for
no reason whatsoever.
Is that what you
want, man? Huh?
Do you want that to
be all for nothing?
No!
All right.
Let's go see that
big-lipped, cro-magnon-
looking motherfucker
and see what he has to say.
(Engine ignition)
Some people think I'm
fucking nuts but there's
been a lot of studying done
saying if you talk
to your plants, they
get growed bigger.
(Metallic crash)
Oh, fucking whale whores!
Who the fuck left
that right there?
(Sighs)
Okay.
All right, my sweet little
ladies, you ready?
Sunshine's back!
(Click)
Ah, for fuck's sakes!
Jesus fucking Christ!
(Shaky voice)
Why do you keep
fucking with me?
I'm not a bad guy.
Cameraman:
Don't you want to pull
the main switch there?
What?
The main switch.
Ohh. Ricky fucked up.
Okay girls, here we go!
(Loud click)
Yeah!
Tan my fucking
bear's ass and tits!
I am so, so fucking sorry
for what happened earlier.
Please forgive me and let's
just move past this, okay?
You're beautiful,
each and every one of you.
I love you guys.
To make up for that
bullshit earlier,
I'm giving you an extra
shot of nutrients
for supper tonight.
(Spritzing)
How's that sound?
Hear that?
They are fucking pumped!
Corey: Four!
Sarah:
Four words.
One.
First word.
Hug, hug.
Touch-down!
Seizure!
"Saturday Night Fever"?
Four! Forty-one!
(Laughing)
Fourth word.
(Frustrated groan)
A... angry!
Arrgh!
Leapfrog! Leapfrog!
Thriller.
Jesus Christ...
Horny toad!
It was fucking
"Dances with the Wolves",
you cow-brained
tit-dummies! Fuck!
Okay, I got one.
Ricky:
Hey!
You stupid, heartless,
fucking asshole!
My dad told me
what you did.
Yeah?
What the fuck are
you doing kidnapping
people, huh?
And thank you, I'm really
looking forward to
poaching lobsters tonight
because of you,
for fuck's sakes!
Yeah?
Well, I'm really
fucking happy you
almost killed my dad!
Look, Ricky, that was
completely fucked.
We're sorry.
Is he okay?
Don't tell me you
were part of this.
I guess you can go
fuck yourself too then!
Ricky,
I didn't want to be!
I didn't really have
a fucking choice.
There's always a choice.
That's why the
fucking guy choiced
to invent the word!
Look, man.
I'm really sorry, okay?
I had to get his blood,
that's the only thing
I could come up with.
That's the only thing
you could come up with?
Smashing my dad,
the great-grandfather
of fucking Motel,
in the head with bottles?
Why didn't you just
ask him for his
blood type, dummy?
I didn't think it was
going to be that crazy.
I said I was sorry, man.
Okay, can we be cool?
Because we've got a lot
of shit to do.
"Can we be cool?"
No, we can't
fucking be cool.
Right now my brain's in
override trying to sort out
all these think-ages.
And it's really
fucking pissed off
at both of you.
So guess what?
One for you,
and two for you!
Fuck yourselves!
Nice.
This is great, Julian.
Really fucking nice.
Way to go. You can
have one from me too.
Yeah? Well, one
right back at you.
Yeah? Well, two
right back at you.
Two back at you.
Three back at you,
counting my wiener.
Always got to bring up
your wiener, don't you? Huh?
Yeah, because
you always...
ask me about it.
Ah, fuck off!
Ask me how it is,
and if it's still
smooth and...
Fuck...
(Dogs barking)
(Clicking, thud)
(Lighter clicking)
(Whispering)
Come on, light...
(Click)
(Glass shattering,
flames roaring)
All right. Let's go.
Bubbles:
Guess this isn't so bad.
You guys seem to be getting
along pretty good...
together. This is great.
I can love you guys
equally as much
and there's nothing
wrong with that.
(Giggling)
(Knocking on door)
Julian:
Bubs.
Go away. I'm busy.
I'll just be
a minute, man.
I've still got to go out
and do some fucking
poaching, for fuck's sakes.
Yeah, I was just
listening to the
news there, Julian.
Heard Sam had a bit
of a fucking fire.
Yeah, he did.
Yeah, I wonder
how that started.
Look man,
this is important.
Yeah? Well, guess what?
Me losing my other best
friend 'cause of you,
that's important to me.
Like, what are we
going to do now?
Everything's fucked.
Well, things just
got even more fucked.
How?
I got the results
from Sam.
We were right.
Lahey's definitely
not Ricky's father.
It's impossible with
their blood types.
Oh, my sweet fuck!
Yeah, it's bad, man.
But guess what else?
What?
(Sigh)
Ray's not Ricky's
father either.
(Whispering)
Oh, my God.
Ray's not Ricky's
father...
(Theme music)
(Seabirds squawking)
Fish:
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck!...
Fuck off! Jesus Christ!
(Whisper)
Fuck.
(Light clicks off)
Fuck off.
What time is it?
Cameraman:
9:30.
Oh, for fuck's sakes!
All right, I'll
be out in a minute.
So what's up, Bubbles?
Do you want to
tell me what's wrong?
Well, it's just...
you know, I've got
some things going on
and you're always
such a good listener.
I thought maybe
we could talk.
Yeah, well, thank you.
You know you
can talk to me
any time about anything.
(Cat meowing)
Well, it's just that...
I think I might be coming
a little bit attached
to Coolnow.
I don't know exactly
how to deal with it.
(Laugh)
What's wrong with that?
Well, I just...
you know, I...
feel like I'm kind
of cheating on
my kitties, you know.
They're... always been
my main thing and...
Hey, you know what?
You're right,
You probably should
cool it with Coolnow.
Oh, fuck!
I knew it.
Yeah. Like,
look at this guy.
He's really neglected.
He's so jealous.
Look.
Oh my God,
I knew it!
He hates Coolnow,
I think...
Bubbles...
Sorry , Coolnow.
I'm just kidding!
Of course it's okay
to love Coolnow.
It doesn't mean you love
your kitties any less.
You think so?
Yeah, it's totally fine.
You guys can all live
in the shed together
like a big happy family.
Hey, what do you
think of that?
(Footsteps approaching)
(Giggling)
Who's a good Papa's dog?
Bubs, why the fuck
didn't you wake me up?
We're late! Let's go!
Well, Ricky's still here.
I didn't think there
was a big fucking rush.
Ricky's still here?!
Ricky, what the
fuck are you doing?
You were supposed to
be down at the rink
a half hour ago
letting in the kids.
The plants need food, man!
Ricky, why do you
got frozen hot dogs
on your unit?
I can't move, boys.
Fucking something
going on with my nuts.
They're fucking
killing me.
You jacked off too
soon, didn't you?
Didn't ya?
Oh, he cranked it.
You know he cranked it.
How long did you
fucking wait, Ricky?
Almost two days.
Two days!
Two fucking days!
Sam said two weeks!
What are you thinking?
I couldn't fucking
take it. I was horny.
It was fucking up my brain!
Now look at me.
Fucking all black
and swollen up
like a couple of
canned antelopes!
Oh, my Jesus!
'cause they're infected, Ricky!
Look at them!
Is that bad?
Is it bad for your
balls to be infected?
Yeah.
We've got to get him
to the hospital. Let's go...
No, no, no.
First we gotta get
down to the rink
before the parents
start freaking out.
It's all good,
Julian. Dad's down
there dealing with it.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
Lahey?
Yeah, my dad.
Oh, Lord baby Jesus.
You're calling
him Dad now?
That's what you call
someone that makes you
with their cock, Julian!
(Theme music)
He's been living in
your trailer for one week
and you totally trust him?
What the fuck is
wrong with you?
Holy fuck, man!
It's not a big deal!
He went down and turned
the lights on and let
the kids in. It's fine!
It's not fine!
Think about it!
You think about it.
My dad warned me
Randy was fucking
moving in to bust us
with the plants.
That's why I moved them.
Why the fuck
would he do that?
Would you please
just use your brain
this one time, Ricky?
What's going to
get us more time
if we get busted?
Some clones, or a
rink full of plants, huh?
I'm telling you,
man, you're wrong.
Dad's on our side.
Would you stop
calling him that?
Rick... just think
about all the shit he's
done to us in our past,
all the times
he tried to fucking...
fuck us over and all the
effort he put into it, man.
Just think about that!
This could be his
biggest fuck-over ever
and it's gonna be
because of you.
Oh, fucking slutty
mother of horny Mary!
I never really thought
about it like that.
Oh, for fuck's sakes!
Fuck me!
What if you are right?
If he really
that fucking smart?
He could be.
He's not drinking.
We've got to find
out the truth, boys.
Bubs, have you got
anything there?
I don't know, Julian.
It's all medical fucking
jargon, chromosomes-this
and fucking
haemoglobin-that.
I don't have the
bandwidth for this.
Well, we've got to find
somebody with the brand-width.
Like, who the fuck
can we get to do this?
The same guy that's
gonna fix your nuts.
At Sam's clinic.
Seriously? You couldn't
wait two fucking days?
You truly are
a fucking idiot.
Why don't you
fuck off, okay?
I've been dealing with some
pretty heavy shit lately.
I had to fucking jack it.
Oh, yeah.
I heard about that.
Of all the fucking
people in the world,
he's potentially
your father.
(Laugh)
Maybe we should let
him die. He'd probably
be better off.
Can you help us
prove Lahey's not
his dad or what?
Look, that would
take DNA, and it's
beyond my capabilities.
But, if we were to get
Lahey's blood type,
his blood type and
his mother's blood type,
I might be able
to help you out.
Yeah, well good luck
with that one, guys.
Wait, now. So if
we can get everybody's
blood type,
you'll be able
to tell whether
he's lying or not?
Maybe.
But what do you got?
What do you mean,
what do I got?
Well, the Jeep is
fucking driving great,
but that was for not
cutting off his cock.
This is a whole
new fucking deal.
Listen, you
big-lipped fuck!
You're gonna tell us
and you're gonna
fix up his fucking bag
or I'm going to knock
those big, stupid teeth
down your goddamn throat
and I'm going to burn
your fucking place
down to the ground!
You got it?
Okay, okay! I'll do it,
if... you burn
this place down.
What?
Look, the business
isn't doing
what I fucking thought
it was going to do.
Obviously I know
fuck-all about Botox.
I've got people coming
after me trying to sue me.
But I do have two
insurance policies.
So, if you burn this
fucking place down,
I'll make a killing.
Deal?
(Whispering)
Julian, don't do it.
Come on. Deal?
Fuck, you're greasy.
Yes!
Deal.
Right.
So just like that?
Let's fucking add arson
to the fucking litany
of charges facing us.
There's nothing
wrong with my arse.
It's my...
my nut-bag.
No, arson, Ricky!
(Sighs)
Whoever alphabetized this
should be taken out
and kicked in the nuts.
Shh.
Just keep looking.
Well, they're not
in any fucking order.
There are just Q's and J's
and fucking everything!
Oh, just wait!
Here's Lahey!
I've got Jim Lahey
right there.
Oh, for fuck's sakes!
There's no Flower
over here, man.
Well, it's not going
to be under Flower.
Think about it.
What?
It's Ray Flower.
No, it's Ray Lafleur.
He changed it to Flower.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
The truckers were
always teasing him,
calling him fucking
Frenchie and frog lips
and poutine face,
and he was like,
“Fuck you guys, my
name's Ray Flower now”"
Lafleur.
It's right here, Bubs,
right in front of
your fucking face!
Well, it's not
in any order!
Look, it's in between
a Z and a fucking R!
Here's Tammy's.
It's not my fucking fault.
Oh, this is the jackpot,
though, Julian.
There's Ray's blood
right there: type A.
Raymond Lafleur.
Tammy's the same thing.
So what's that mean?
I don't now what it means
but it's fucking
critical information.
Look at this:
Sexual Health Report.
Look how many times
he had chlamydia!
(Chuckling)
Holy fuck!
Call Guinness Records!
(Wheezing laughter)
Just gotta get Lahey's,
and we'll be all set.
Yeah, do you think
he's just going
to give it to us?
All we can do
now is ask him.
We're not going
to fucking ask
him for it, man!
He's going to know
we're up to something.
But how the fuck are
we going to get it?
I know how
to do this, okay.
It'll be easy.
Let's go. Come on!
Okay, that should
just about do it.
Now don't be jacking it
or fucking anybody for
the next two weeks
or you're going
to wind up right
back in here again.
You got it, dummy?
Yeah, trust me,
I'm never fucking
going through
this again.
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah...?
How do you keep
your bag so soft?
I mean, do you use any
special creams or oils?
What?
Not in a g-gay way.
I mean, I've been working
on mine for a long time
and it's like
a calloused
old alligator
and a porcupine
fucked and had a baby.
Listen, I'm not going
to fucking sit here
and have a conversation
with you about how to keep
your fucking bag soft.
Are we done here?
Almost.
So this IV should take
about 45 minutes to go
through your system.
Best thing for you to do
is to get back on
the gurney, lay back
and relax, okay?
Come on. Get back
on the gurney.
Yeah, good idea, actually.
Shut my stupid fucking
brain down for a bit.
Here, let me help you.
Here you go.
Just keep your fucking
hands off me. Thanks.
Okay.
Oh, fuck.
(Phone rings)
You gonna fucking
answer for me today,
you asshole?
Oh, right on.
Hello.
Hey, Dad.
What? What the fuck are
you talking about? When?
Oh, God damn it.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I'll be right there!
Not a good idea, Ricky.
Not a good idea!
What are the
kids up to?
The kids? Well, they went home.
It's pitch black in there.
Ricky: Did you
call the power company?
Power company said,
first thing in the morning.
That's the best they can do.
First thing in the morning,
oh my... motherfuckers,
(Muttering)
that's not going to work.
The plants are going
to fucking die.
First thing in the
morning, seriously?
Seriously.
Those fucking assholes!
Yeah, they are
a bunch of assholes...
That's not going to work!
We need to get to them
right the fuck now!
Listen, Rick...
We've got to get the
fucking power back on!
You're going to have
to calm down, son.
For fuck's sakes...
Don't worry about a thing, Rick.
Everything's going to be okay.
Fucking assholes.
Fuck me!
I'll call you back, Son.
What the fuck is
going on, Randy?
(Slurring)
No big deal, it's just a
couple drinkie-poos,
Mr Lahey.
You're drunk!
Yeah, I'm frigging drunk!
Listen, Randy.
You've got to get
the hell out of here
before the cops come.
Frig the cops!
Let them come.
I guess you'll just have
to cover for me, bud.
Randy, you crashed
a motor vehicle under
the influence.
It's going to be pretty
fucking hard for me to
cover you for this one!
Oh, really?
Well, what about all
the times I covered for
you when you were drunk
and crashing cars
and pissing yourself
and shooting people?
Randy, just keep it down.
You're begging for people
to call the police.
(Shouting)
Oh, am I being too loud?
I'm sorry for frigging
being too loud, everybody!
And guess what?
I'm frigging resigning
as assistant trailer
park supervisor!
Frig it!
(Sobbing)
I can't take it, Mr. Lahey.
I can't take it.
Randy, it's going
to be okay, bud.
Look, just calm down.
I can't take it.
I'm here for you.
Come on.
Let's get in the car
and we'll take
you home, okay?
I don't know,
Mr. Lahey.
Come on, Randy.
I love you, bud.
Come on, get in the car.
You do?
You still love me?
You're darn right
I do, Randy.
It's going to be okay.
Come on, bud.
(Clicking)
Fuck off!
Oh, fuck!
Holy fuck!
Gorilla Fingers?
Oh, hi, Ricky.
Hey, man.
Listen, I go
by Grant now.
Mr. Gorilla Fingers is
a thing of the past, okay?
And listen. I don't have
any spare change either.
I gave it all to the
guy inside for a tip.
I'm not bumming change
here, cock face.
So you're working for
the power company now, huh?
Let's just say it was
time for a... uhh...
a little change
of scenery.
Yeah, I bet.
Being a prison guard's
the worst job ever, man.
People think you're
a fucking asshole
right off the bat.
I would have
quit long ago.
Well, I didn't
actually quit,
you see...
they were accusing
me of doing things
down there, and...
I decided to get lost
before they made a mountain
out of a molehill, you know?
Yeah, I get it.
Look, man, I could
really use your help.
I've got a serious
fucking power problem.
Can you come and have
a look at it for me?
Ah... Listen,
just put in a work order
like everyone else, okay?
Look man, I don't
have time for this.
Between me and you,
I'm growing a bit of dope
and I've got a serious
fucking problem...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no.
If there's dope
involved here,
man, I'm out.
I'm not... going to
risk my job over something
like this. No way.
Come on, man.
That's not very good
customer service.
Forget about it, man.
Well, you know what?
I was trying to be
a nice guy here.
Now look what you
made me fucking do!
Hey!
Get the fuck in the
van and get over
the other side.
Get in there!
...fucking shit!
What's the matter
with you?
Pansy.
(Indistinct shout)
Fuck's sakes...
Fuck off!
Fuck me slowly,
would you relax!
Jesus Christ!
(Engine ignition)
Julian:
Hey, guys.
Hey, Julian.
Boom! That's what
I'm talking about.
All right, bring it in,
bring it in.
All right, I need you guys
to round up some bottles.
I got a little mission
for you, okay?
We don't do
that shit anymore.
Throwing bottles at
people is kids' stuff.
Oh, come on!
I'll give you guys a
big bag of chips each.
(Giggling)
Chips? Nobody wants
chips anymore.
All right, what
do you want, then?
Liquor.
(Whimper)
Okay, I can respect that.
I'll give you a pint.
What? No fucking way!
You're not giving
liquor to the kids!
Bubs, it's a pint
between six of them, man.
It's not going to
fuck them up. Relax.
Think about what
you just said.
Repeat that back
to yourself.
We'll do it for a pint.
Julian:
Okay.
And some cigarettes.
No fucking way, Ronnie.
You're not getting cigarettes!
Who's the target?
Lahey. I want you
to aim for the head
but not the face, okay?
Make sure you don't
stop until you see
blood. Got it?
All right, pound it.
Oh, my fuck.
Unbelievable.
(Engine whirring)
That ought to do it.
Fucking awesome,
Gorilla... Grant.
You're a fucking
life-saver, man.
I thought I was gonna
lose all my babies.
No hard feelings?
Well, I don't know
about that, Rick.
My boss has got this
thing GPS'd, okay?
I'm not going to get
fired over this stuff.
I'm going to have to
tell him some fuckwad
with a gun held me up!
What the fuck are
you talking about?
Listen, man.
You seem like a nice guy.
But you make a lot of bad
decisions all the time.
I'm not going to get
fired over this.
Hold the fuck on here!
We can work this out.
What if I was to set
you up with... what about
a bunch of lobsters?
Have a big lobster
party back at your
fucking office?
Yeah, that sounds
pretty good, actually.
My boss is a real pig
when it comes to that
fancy rich food.
There we go.
That's the spirit.
Let me make
a call, all right?
You fuck with me today,
you're getting smashed!
Just fucking letting
you know, dickhead!
Yeah, what about
the garlic butter
and the salad?
Can you throw in
that stuff too?
What the fuck
do you think?
Hey, Julian.
How's it going, man?
Well, not great.
Remember Gorilla Fingers,
the guard at jail?
Yeah, well, he works for
the power company now.
I kidnapped him at gunpoint
and he says he's going
to fucking tell on me.
How soon could you
get me, like, 20,
30 pounds of lobster?
Tonight? You can have
them by the morning.
Is that cool?
That sounds awesome.
That's fucking
perfect, Julian.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, whatever, Ricky.
God damn it!
Looks like I'm poaching
lobsters tonight,
thanks to fuckhead.
Why, what did he do now?
He kidnapped a power
employee at gunpoint.
What?
Yup.
Oh my fuck.
(Screeching, thud)
Randy:
Camel balls!
Sorry, Mr. Lahey.
Lahey: Oh, Randy...
I'll be right
back. I gotta pee.
Julian, I've got
a fucking bad
feeling about this.
Bubs...
There's got to
be another option.
Listen to me.
Lahey's been fucking us
over our entire lives.
He even tried to kill us,
for Christ's sakes!
This is not going
to be that bad.
Don't worry about it.
Child:
Let's get him!
(Glass shattering)
Lahey:
(Groaning)
Child:
Keep hitting him.
Bubbles: Oh, my fuck!
Jesus Christ, Julian!
They're going to kill him!
Children:
Good one! Come on,
one more! Keep going!
It's too much!
It's too much!
Call it off right now!
No, no, hang on,
I told them not to stop
until there was blood.
Child:
I think I hit him in the head.
Lahey: (Growling)
No, fuck this!
I'm going in.
No, no, no!
Just wait a bit longer.
Wait...
Child:
Keep going!
Oh, my fuck.
They're going to kill him!
Okay, here.
Get some blood
on these, put it in
the bag. Hurry up.
What? I'm not doing that!
You fucking do it!
Bubs, I can't fucking
do that! Think about it.
If I go in and fucking
try to save him,
he's gonna be totally
suspicious about that.
Hurry up, they're going
to fucking kill him!
Hurry up!
You're an asshole!
Children: That's enough, you
guys. He's bleeding. Let's
get the fuck out of here!
...get back here!
You stop right there!
Jesus Murphy!
Those little bastards!
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Here, get up.
(Grunting)
I'm okay, Bubbles.
I'm okay.
I was just out... uhh...
collecting bugs with
that and I was...
starting to get a cold and
just about to blow my nose.
Here, you're bleeding.
Luckily I've got some
nice fresh tissue there.
(Groans)
Oh, Bubbles...
Get back here right now!
Who hired you,
you little frigging punk?
Who hired you?
Okay. Yes, sir.
Here, you take
one for yourself.
Keep some pressure on that.
But I think I left
the iron on in my shed.
I gotta get back.
I'll throw that away.
Okay?
Okay, Bubbles.
You take care of yourself.
That was fucking terrible.
That was terrible.
Who hired you to do
this, right now? Tell me!
(Groaning)
Okay. Julian promised
us a pint of rum. Ow!
He said not to stop
until there was blood.
Julian!
How'd you make out, man?
Julian, that was
fucking horrible!
That was fucked!
That can never
happen again!
That was fucked.
I didn't think it
would be anywhere near
that fucking crazy.
Did you get the blood?
Yes, I got his blood!
Okay, all we can do now
is go and see Sam and
see what he has to say.
Oh, that's all we can do?
Maybe we could actually
just get rid of that
and forget that we tried
to just kill Mr. Lahey.
Bubs, if we don't
use the blood
to figure out if
he's Ricky's father,
then he just went
through that attack for
no reason whatsoever.
Is that what you
want, man? Huh?
Do you want that to
be all for nothing?
No!
All right.
Let's go see that
big-lipped, cro-magnon-
looking motherfucker
and see what he has to say.
(Engine ignition)
Some people think I'm
fucking nuts but there's
been a lot of studying done
saying if you talk
to your plants, they
get growed bigger.
(Metallic crash)
Oh, fucking whale whores!
Who the fuck left
that right there?
(Sighs)
Okay.
All right, my sweet little
ladies, you ready?
Sunshine's back!
(Click)
Ah, for fuck's sakes!
Jesus fucking Christ!
(Shaky voice)
Why do you keep
fucking with me?
I'm not a bad guy.
Cameraman:
Don't you want to pull
the main switch there?
What?
The main switch.
Ohh. Ricky fucked up.
Okay girls, here we go!
(Loud click)
Yeah!
Tan my fucking
bear's ass and tits!
I am so, so fucking sorry
for what happened earlier.
Please forgive me and let's
just move past this, okay?
You're beautiful,
each and every one of you.
I love you guys.
To make up for that
bullshit earlier,
I'm giving you an extra
shot of nutrients
for supper tonight.
(Spritzing)
How's that sound?
Hear that?
They are fucking pumped!
Corey: Four!
Sarah:
Four words.
One.
First word.
Hug, hug.
Touch-down!
Seizure!
"Saturday Night Fever"?
Four! Forty-one!
(Laughing)
Fourth word.
(Frustrated groan)
A... angry!
Arrgh!
Leapfrog! Leapfrog!
Thriller.
Jesus Christ...
Horny toad!
It was fucking
"Dances with the Wolves",
you cow-brained
tit-dummies! Fuck!
Okay, I got one.
Ricky:
Hey!
You stupid, heartless,
fucking asshole!
My dad told me
what you did.
Yeah?
What the fuck are
you doing kidnapping
people, huh?
And thank you, I'm really
looking forward to
poaching lobsters tonight
because of you,
for fuck's sakes!
Yeah?
Well, I'm really
fucking happy you
almost killed my dad!
Look, Ricky, that was
completely fucked.
We're sorry.
Is he okay?
Don't tell me you
were part of this.
I guess you can go
fuck yourself too then!
Ricky,
I didn't want to be!
I didn't really have
a fucking choice.
There's always a choice.
That's why the
fucking guy choiced
to invent the word!
Look, man.
I'm really sorry, okay?
I had to get his blood,
that's the only thing
I could come up with.
That's the only thing
you could come up with?
Smashing my dad,
the great-grandfather
of fucking Motel,
in the head with bottles?
Why didn't you just
ask him for his
blood type, dummy?
I didn't think it was
going to be that crazy.
I said I was sorry, man.
Okay, can we be cool?
Because we've got a lot
of shit to do.
"Can we be cool?"
No, we can't
fucking be cool.
Right now my brain's in
override trying to sort out
all these think-ages.
And it's really
fucking pissed off
at both of you.
So guess what?
One for you,
and two for you!
Fuck yourselves!
Nice.
This is great, Julian.
Really fucking nice.
Way to go. You can
have one from me too.
Yeah? Well, one
right back at you.
Yeah? Well, two
right back at you.
Two back at you.
Three back at you,
counting my wiener.
Always got to bring up
your wiener, don't you? Huh?
Yeah, because
you always...
ask me about it.
Ah, fuck off!
Ask me how it is,
and if it's still
smooth and...
Fuck...
(Dogs barking)
(Clicking, thud)
(Lighter clicking)
(Whispering)
Come on, light...
(Click)
(Glass shattering,
flames roaring)
All right. Let's go.
Bubbles:
Guess this isn't so bad.
You guys seem to be getting
along pretty good...
together. This is great.
I can love you guys
equally as much
and there's nothing
wrong with that.
(Giggling)
(Knocking on door)
Julian:
Bubs.
Go away. I'm busy.
I'll just be
a minute, man.
I've still got to go out
and do some fucking
poaching, for fuck's sakes.
Yeah, I was just
listening to the
news there, Julian.
Heard Sam had a bit
of a fucking fire.
Yeah, he did.
Yeah, I wonder
how that started.
Look man,
this is important.
Yeah? Well, guess what?
Me losing my other best
friend 'cause of you,
that's important to me.
Like, what are we
going to do now?
Everything's fucked.
Well, things just
got even more fucked.
How?
I got the results
from Sam.
We were right.
Lahey's definitely
not Ricky's father.
It's impossible with
their blood types.
Oh, my sweet fuck!
Yeah, it's bad, man.
But guess what else?
What?
(Sigh)
Ray's not Ricky's
father either.
(Whispering)
Oh, my God.
Ray's not Ricky's
father...
(Theme music)
(Seabirds squawking)
Fish:
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck!...
Fuck off! Jesus Christ!
(Whisper)
Fuck.
(Light clicks off)
Fuck off.