Top Gear (2002–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - Episode #7.4 - full transcript
Richard tests the new Pagani Zonda F. In the news segment, the boys mourn the death of rally driver Richard Burns. The boys were given 10,000 pounds each and were told to buy a supercar for...
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
CLARKSON: Tonight, which is faster? A Renault or a bicycle?
Ellen MacArthur sets sail on our track.
And how much supercar do you get for £10,000?
Hello. Now last week on the show, we had a Pagani Zonda.
And this week, we're kicking off with another one!
--HAMMOND: This is it. It's called the Zonda F.
Nearly the whole body from nose to tail has been restyled
following a visit to the wind tunnel.
On top of that, the interior is now even more insane.
The wheels are magnesium and the whole exhaust system
has been forged from titanium.
The price for the F is £440,000,
£100,000 more than the normal Zonda.
So, you'd hope the changes aren't just cosmetic.
And indeed, they aren't.
The power has gone up from 555 brake horsepower
That is two Porsche Caymans, in a car that weighs less than one Porsche Cayman.
Naught to 60, 3.6 seconds.
Top speed, 215 mph, maybe more.
But the F isn't merely about extra grunt.
God really is in the details.
The brakes are carbon ceramic.
Even the carbon fibre in the structure of the car that you can't see,
they've changed the weave to make it lighter and stronger.
It's such a bizarre mixture of power and precision.
If surgeons used chainsaws, this is what they'd have!
Put it all together and the experience is shattering.
The noise! Listen to that!
All of the hair on my body is standing up!
(LAUGHING) I had tried to think of clever things to say then, but I couldn't!
It's just... I'm gonna do that again!
That is unbelievable, that car!
It's brilliant. I love it!
And, like I said... Like I said,
it really is about that combination of just precision and power.
It's like pressing the button on a beautifully crafted watch and then
(BEEP) all the volcanoes in the world erupt! It's astonishing!
No, the thing is though, we've now got to find out how fast it goes round our track.
So that means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
-Some say that his tears are adhesive... -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
...and that if he caught fire, he'd burn for 1,000 days.
All we know is he's called The Stig.
CLARKSON: And he's off! I should say this car has a very real chance
of being the fastest car ever round our track.
That means beating the Maserati MC 12 that has 21 more horsepower.
First corner, no drama here. Gently stoking up that massive Mercedes V12.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Stig of course, not listening to the engine.
He's enjoying a spot of Purcell, there. Nice arrangement!
Chicago, carrying the pacing, metering out the power,
using all the track and on his way down to Hammerhead.
Looking a little frisky under braking. Careful!
Careful on the way in. Don't let the nose run wide. Go on, accelerate now!
Tail steps out a bit but he's on top of that in an instant!
(CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES)
Here comes the follow-through. Surely he'll have to lift off.
Yep, feathering the throttle then back on it through the tyres!
--(LAUGHING) Now just two corners left.
Can it beat the MC 12? Can it beat what is basically an Enzo in drag?
Coming up to Gambon. Lap record is in sight!
Tail kicking out, and across the line!
Right. It's got the Maserati MC12 to beat, 1.18.9.
-It's done it! 1.18.4! Quickest score ever... -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
...round the Top Gear test track.
-I knew it! -You liked it, though did you?
Oh, man. I knew it would do that.
That is such a car.
What an unbelievable car.
Yeah, if you go through the small ads in the back of car magazines
you'll find they're stuffed full of ads for supercars which cost less than what?
A two year old Mondeo.
Now this sounds incredibly tempting, but what are cars like this
going to be like to live with?
So to find out, we were each given £10,000
and told to go out and buy a supercar that's mid-engined and Italian.
Yes, and then we were told to take whatever we bought
to Bristol, where we would be set a series of challenges.
-(LAUGHING) -I think you can probably see where this is going.
Here's what happened.
--HAMMOND: I was the first to arrive.
I've just bought a Ferrari for 10 grand!
It's a 1979 308 GT4.
Look, it's yellow, it's got an engine in the middle, it's got everything.
Right. Wait for the others. See what they've got.
Jeremy was next to roll up.
-CLARKSON: Behold the Maserati Merak. -Yeah? It's a Maserati.
-Right! -Yup! Possibly the prettiest supercar ever made.
-CLARKSON: £7,000. -That's about three grand less than me.
CLARKSON: And you bought a...
HAMMOND: I've got a Ferrari.
No, you haven't. It is a Ferrari!
It just isn't a Ferrari.
CLARKSON: What Richard had bought was never originally called a Ferrari.
It was so slow and wet, it was actually called a Dino.
There's no point going, "I bought my shirt at George," it's from ASDA.
You've got a George car.
(LAUGHING) What's this?
-It's a spare wheel! -Hang on, they're a V6, aren't they?
Yeah, but it's brilliant.
The engine in this, the guy I bought it from
just spent £10,000 rebuilding that engine.
Sold the whole car for seven.
-Sensible plan. -Shows how much the rest of it's worth.
Watch the headlamps.
They work brilliantly. Ready?
-There you go. The headlights are on. -But they're...
No, you can see they're on, if you get down here.
-Look, there they are. Can you see them? -Yeah. (LAUGHING)
Oh, that's a shame.
There you have it. Now let go of it.
If I let go?
--CLARKSON: You may have noticed we're waffling a bit.
And that's because we're waiting for Captain Sense of Direction,
who we assumed had gotten lost.
(GROANING) You fancy some lunch?
CLARKSON: But we were wrong.
James has bought an AA truck!
He's bought a... (LAUGHING)
At least he's made it to the end of our last one of these before getting on one!
-Right... -James, we said a mid-engined Italian supercar,
not a truck.
Is that the best you two can come up with?
Yes, it is. What is your car?
That, gentlemen... Was...
A Lamborghini Urraco. Look at it!
Not a very good example!
CLARKSON: But, James, let's cut to the chase. -Okay.
It's on a lorry.
It's an electrical problem.
-(LAUGHING) -The Italians invented electricity, as we know.
CLARKSON: James decided the best form of defence was attack.
Let me see. I know about old cars, as you know. And I can look at this
and with my trained eye, I can tell you immediately that that is a pup.
You've got a trained eye, and you bought that?
HAMMOND: So, what had the production team got in store for us?
-Have a look... -CLARKSON: Don't do that to my car!
Your '70s supercar mission for today is to drive from Bristol
to Spearmint Rhino in Slough.
That's a lap-dancing club.
Is it? (CHUCKLING)
-Oh, you don't know. -No, that's what these cars are about! Okay, fair enough.
You may not use the M4 itself.
So we have to go along the M4 corridor on the wiggly road.
Your sense of direction! You mean Maidenhead.
Oh, yeah. (LAUGHING)
As long as he's got a sense of direction, he can get him there.
HAMMOND: As usual, points would be lost for unforeseen stoppages,
and naturally, there would be a series of challenges along the way.
See you there. Bye.
What I love about this particular Merak
is that it is the SS, one of the later ones, very rare.
They only made 652 of them.
Now, this is kind of heavy A-road traffic through town, stop-start stuff.
I'll expect it to overheat here, frankly, and nothing!
Water temperature, oil temperature, oil pressure, all perfect.
I wonder if James has got his alternator going yet.
CLARKSON: He had! Sort of.
Right, now the battery is discharging, the oil temperature is very high,
the oil pressure is very low, the engine temperature is off the end of the scale,
I'm running out of petrol, but the clock is correct.
Right, we're out of Bristol. No mechanical maladies to report.
There's smoke coming out of the back of that thing! That's smoke!
Eh? No, it's not a kit car. It's a Lamborghini!
I've noticed that my speedo is a bit, um, optimistic.
We were stuck behind a tractor earlier on that was doing 50,
according to this.
--HAMMOND: Never mind! Could be worse!
Yes, James had run out of electricity again.
CLARKSON: I just can't believe somebody's put a Ferrari badge on that when it isn't one.
But there you are, you know. If it makes you happy.
How can they say "not a Ferrari"?
It was named after Enzo Ferrari's tragically dead son,
and built to fit old man Ferrari himself!
What a marvellous day. Sun shining,
Maserati to drive, endless scope for laughing at Hammond
for buying the wrong car and James for buying one that doesn't work.
--MAY: Actually, I got my car working, and what a car!
'Course, in its day, the Urraco was one of the fastest and most exciting
four-seater cars you could buy.
142 miles an hour, naught to 60 in about six and a half seconds...
It was ever such a long time ago, though.
HAMMOND: Meanwhile, Jeremy and I were nearing our first challenge.
Castle Combe Racing Circuit. You have got to be kidding!
Racetrack? That's when we see the Maserati come good!
I'm feeling confident.
--CLARKSON: So why was Hammond nervous?
You see, my car has a bit of a secret.
In the back of it, there's a sub-frame, which on the 308, holds the engine in
and the wheels on. Keeps them attached to the body.
And, um, it's just made of rust.
--HAMMOND: Still, could be worse.
Yes, James had broken down again.
--CLARKSON: Castle Combe is 20 miles from Bristol
and most of us got there.
It's a fierce track this,
one of the fastest in Britain,
a real car-breaker.
Can we have the challenge? Find out what it is? He can pick up later on.
I know what this is gonna be.
Stig'll drive them round the track, points for the winner.
No, it isn't!
It's "Your supercars were built in the '70s. How super are they today?
"To find out, The Stig's going to set a lap time in
"a Vauxhall Astra diesel. You will then attempt to beat his time in your cars.
"You lose points for every second over The Stig's time,
"and gain points for every second under it."
CLARKSON: The Stig was really on it. But a diesel hatchback? Come on.
-They've got a Lamborghini, a Maserati, and a Ferrari... -(LAUGHING)
-I can see that... -Easily gonna be able to beat...
And across the line in, one minute thirty-five seconds.
Well actually, I'd say we stood a... Hello!
-May has joined us. -Now hang on, have you come by bus or are you in your car?
No, I'm in my car. Is it on a truck?
No, it's not. It's fine.
Did it break down on the way here?
-No, I just had to stop and fill it up with electricity. -(LAUGHING)
--CLARKSON: Given that James' car was actually running,
we decided to make hay and send it out first.
Three, two, one, go!
This is a piece of cake.
Oh, hang on.
CLARKSON: Oh, my God! MAY: I got so excited, I wet myself.
CLARKSON: Your car's done a wee.
Do you think, if we get this going again, you will actually be able to do one lap?
Yes, I do. And a...
And a good one at that.
It's a right-hander, I'm turning into the apex, snatching third...
1 minute, 18. He's not even in sight.
I'm... Oh, shit.
He's gonna make it!
And the V8 Lamborghini is,
Stig was 1.35. Yeah?
HAMMOND: Next, it was my Ferrari, so far the most reliable car of the day.
Oh! The mirror's just come off!
...Two, one, go!
HAMMOND: And with 255 horsepower, it was also the most powerful.
It's indicating 100 miles an hour.
This is probably about 50.
He's very competitive.
He is very competitive.
He's taking it very seriously.
CLARKSON: Hammond gave his all, but he was still slower than The Stig.
How long before Hammond blames a misfire?
1 minute, 43 seconds.
The problem is it rolls, so I thought I'll have to make up time on the straights.
Yeah but the engine sounded pretty healthy.
-And then it developed a misfire... -(LAUGHING)
I knew! I knew you'd say...
CLARKSON: Finally, it was the turn of the mighty Merak.
CLARKSON: It may only be a V6, but remember, this is the SS version
with 220 horsepower.
And that's all the rebuilt engine has to give.
Nicely balanced, though.
That car is...
Why won't you rev?
An appalling heap of junk.
Come on! Come on, car!
I've got it. Don't say it...
(LAUGHING) I've got no brakes.
The excuses are coming. Here we go. Oh, he's not stopped.
I've got no brakes!
--CLARKSON: I also had no coolant.
Do you know what would cure that? Spending £10,000 on an engine... Oh, somebody has!
It's a bit steamy, I've no brakes. Oil pressure has completely gone.
So, do you want to know or not?
Well, tell me what I did with no brakes.
(CLEARING THROAT) 1 minute...
54. That is brave.
--CLARKSON: To find out why our lap times were so woeful,
we were given another challenge.
This is a rolling road which you use to measure power.
Now what we're gonna do, is put the cars on it and find out how many of the horses
that were put into their engines when they were new,
have escaped over the years.
And, obviously, we lose points for every horsepower that's gone missing.
CLARKSON: Now, we weren't covering our ears because of the noise from Hammond's
fake Ferrari, but because James was boring us to death.
It measures the wheel horsepower and then by letting it run down, it converts the
mechanical drag into the extra horsepower in the fly wheel.
CLARKSON: Remember, the Dino had 255 horsepower when it left the factory 30 years ago.
So what's he got to hit? How much have you lost?
It said 194. That's not bad!
So 194 brake horsepower is what it's actually producing.
-Rampant Italian horses. -61 horsepower have escaped. That's how many a year?
Think of it another way. That's a VW Lupo has escaped from your engine!
CLARKSON: Now, will the Lambo run long enough for the machine to take a reading.
This machine goes up to 450 brake horsepower.
Oh, well, I hope we're okay.
I think we might be fine.
See? V8, 2.5 litres.
220 brake horsepower to beat.
It's lost 103.
(LAUGHING) So it's got 117 left!
Is there enough power to get it off?
--CLARKSON: Then it was the turn of the Maserati.
But first, I've discovered something worrying in the service history.
Note, please, item two, badge.
(LAUGHING) Badge SS
£38 for an SS badge!
I bought a car that's got a 38 quid badge on it.
--CLARKSON: There was some good news, though.
Because it turned out I only had an ordinary Merak,
it meant I only had to reach 190 horsepower, not 220.
Oh, yeah, here we go!
(LAUGHING) Come on, what is it?
(MUTTERING) 80. What?
They've all got away! There must be a big gate open on the back and all your
horses just got out! Your car is garbage. (LAUGHING)
Very good. Now,
we're going to be picking that up later on, but for now
it's time to update our Italian mid-engined supercars
-for less than a second-hand Mondeo challenge. -Chart!
And, first up, the lap. Well, I won that in my Ferrari.
Just minus 8 points there.
Can I just say, I did only have 80 horsepower?
Yes, exactly. So horsepower,
I won that as well with my Ferrari. Good.
Then we come to the unforeseen breakdowns, that was none for you Jeremy...
Ah, yes. None for me, but you knocked your rear view mirror off.
Oh rubbish, that doesn't count. I did that. Ah, it doesn't count.
Then there's James, what were you? You were...
-Three. -No, you weren't. You were four.
You arrived on a truck! Exactly.
It hadn't started then. Oh, don't be ridiculous.
It had started for us. You just turned up late.
HAMMOND: We had started. It's minus 20. So, there you go.
And now, the next one is the big one, okay?
Insurance. That's the main problem with cars of this type. Okay?
We had to go out and get a quote to see how low we could go.
And mine was, for the Maserati, £300.
A year? Yeah.
For a Maserati? Yeah.
-Don't be ridiculous. -No, you see, the reason is very simple.
Unlike you, I'm a respectable middle-aged man,
unlike you, I don't have any points on my licence.
It's kept in an alarmed, locked garage in one of the safest part of the country.
Yeah but hang on a minute, though, because you are, what,
a journalist and a broadcaster.
-Yup. -And I happen to know that those are two of the highest
rated insurance risks on the book.
Yup, you're exactly right, which is why I told them I was a doctor.
MAY: So you're lying?
Your doctorate isn't real! It just arrived in the post one day!
A university made me a doctor. I am a doctor. It's £300. How does it work?
£500 was the benchmark, you get a point for every £100 you are under it.
So, incredibly, you get two points there.
Two points for being a doctor.
Yeah. Go on, then, what was yours?
-Well, I said I'm an after-dinner speaker. -(LAUGHING)
You see? I've done two!
-Two hundred. -It is two, it's every week. Anyway, what was your quote?
Well, for a big corporate bank, £5,000. I suppose for a charity I'll do it for £3,500.
No, you blithering idiot. What was your insurance quote?
Oh! A grand. £1,000.
That includes, presumably, the £800 to cover your new expensive teeth?
I've not had my teeth whitened.
I just haven't. So I actually lose, that's minus five.
-Englebert's going down here with his new teeth. -HAMMOND: That's bad.
Now, I was honest, and I said, I'm a journalist and a broadcaster.
And I bet you told them you lived in London as well.
Yes, single. Car parked on the street. Live in an area of London that's usually on fire.
So, your quote was?
Actually, you know, we're laughing... I once had an Escort Cosworth,
okay, years and years and years ago,
and I got a quote for that of £22,000! Twenty-two grand!
-Hang on, the car wasn't worth that! -Oh, no, it was worth £19,000!
Anyway, where are we up to?
Right, now, I get to minus 28...
No, that's you, Jeremy. You're at minus 28.
-I'm on minus 20 in my Ferrari. -CLARKSON: 20, it's close.
And James, you lost another 45 there.
I'm on minus...
No, he's on minus 99!
Minus 99, James! Well, I was going for 100.
Well done, James. Quite frankly, you'd have done better
if you hadn't bought a car.
Now, we've got to move it on. We'll pick this up later as I said, but for now
we've got to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
For me, she is just the biggest star in the firmament.
She's a goddess. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Ellen MacArthur!
Hello. How are you?
Have a seat.
Oh, this is...
My life is complete.
Every single week, every week since this new type of Top Gear started,
every week I've said, have we got Ellen MacArthur on this week?
And every week, "No, we haven't." You're always on a boat.
-It's a problem. -Even this week, where have you been?
I just got back from Brazil. In a race over there from France.
Finished about a week ago.
You've got the world record now, the fastest person ever to sail round the world.
And obviously we've all seen those things on TV and we've all read the books.
Well, I've read them! Just... (GROANS)
The thing is, I want to talk about the southern oceans, okay?
How big are they?
Um, they're endless, I think the easy way to say it.
Because they go round and round the bottom of the earth so...
-The wind does? -The wind, the weather, the waves, everything.
In the northern hemisphere, where we are, there's land mass.
The storms are stopped by the land mass.
In the southern ocean, there's nothing to stop the storms,
they just roll round and round. So the waves get bigger and bigger and bigger.
It's incredible. So, how big?
How big? (INHALES) Hmm. Twice the height of the studio, I reckon.
Well, that's what, 30, 60 feet?
60 feet. Yeah, I'd say 60 feet.
And they're very, very long, so they're big, but it's like, uh,
it's like going down mountains but quite kind of rolling mountains
and suddenly you get a steep one, and they're the ones to watch out for.
-Because you'd just, nose-dive straight in. -Just go down.
Which, in the daytime, is not too bad
because obviously you can see where you're going,
but at night-time you can't see anything.
And the sea, of course, is constantly changing.
There's no sense of rhythm, is there?
There's no sense of, "I'm used to this now."
'Cause any minute now you could have a really huge wave.
Yeah, there are definitely freak waves and you do feel those.
Well, you hear them, the force when they hit the boat.
But also with a multi-hull it's harder.
B&Q,--the boat I took round --the world, has three hulls.
So it's like having, um... Like a car having six wheels.
You know, something could hit any one of those six wheels and it would be affected by it
it's just the same with a boat.
So, you can never really predict what the boat's gonna do.
Sometimes she's about to go and then suddenly the other hull gets hit.
And it's very, very violent, the motion.
And you don't even get any sleep do you, on these massive voyages?
Well, not really what I'd call a good eight hours!
Obviously not! No...
No, quite a long way from that.
Sleep is the single hardest thing you have to deal with out there.
Harder than the waves, harder than fixing things, harder than everything,
it's just the sleep. Because, it's, you know,
sleep deprivation is used as torture
and when you really can't sleep because your life's in danger if you do sleep,
you really suffer and you really tough it out.
Well, how long would you sleep for, then, in an average day?
-Uh, depends. -Down there, anyway, in the southern oceans?
There was a period, very long, during three days,
where I don't think I slept for more than 20 minutes.
-That was horrendous. -It is! It's... God, isn't it?
-It's just... And you're 24... (STAMMERS) -29 now.
Twenty-nine, then, it was. Most 29-year-olds are in bed until lunchtime!
-(YAWNING) Going clubbing, yeah. -(LAUGHING)
Have you ever got into a position when you thought, "I really want to give up,
-"this is just too much like hard work"? -No.
-You've never been in that position? -Not at sea.
At sea, you know why you're out there.
You have to do your absolute best until that finish line.
And you have to pace yourself.
You have to see, "How long do I have to keep this up for?"
And you know the one thing that's for sure
is when you finish, you'll be absolutely exhausted.
You bet! The lovely one I know you're always saying is about
-how people sustain you by sending emails, into the... -Hmm.
Shit. But they do don't they?
They really do, yeah.
My favourite one, I'm going to share it with you, was one of the emails we picked out
which is, "Dear Ellen..."
This was from a bloke in England.
"You're such a gutsy girl, that I felt I should be doing something with my life.
"So I went into the shed, fixed the lawnmower,
"and mowed the lawn for the first time in two years."
So you had a profound effect on him, whoever this was.
That's cool, yeah!
-'Cause I've tried sailing, obviously. -(LAUGHING)
Yeah, I have! You know those Hobie Cats you rent on the beach?
I had the most monumental crash in one of those. Honestly.
You're batting along at... How fast do they go, 20 knots?
Maybe, yeah. Tops.
Big, 29-foot thing.
I had a harness on, so I was leaning over, and one of the hulls dug into the sea.
-So you're catapulted off -It stops very quickly, doesn't it?
Absolutely stops dead.
But I carried on, 17 stone of me, in my harness, got a five-point thing,
17 stone stopped by my testicles.
Agh! You don't have that of course!
-Have you had any big crashes?
Bigger than that for example? Yes.
Where they just stop?
-I've done the same thing in a 60-foot trimaran. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Where you strapped on to it? Straight over the top.
Were you harnessed on? No.
We were inside. There's a little cabin, like a little capsule in the middle,
where you can basically get out of the weather.
There were five of us on the boat, and literally, the boat's steered by rudders
and one of them kicked up, 'cause it was a kick-up system for security,
and when we turned the boat to try to slow the boat down, a wave rolled underneath,
went straight under the middle rudder, so that came out of the water.
And so we just went straight over the top.
One corner of the boat, as you go over, 'cause you kind of go over diagonally,
would have been about 75 feet off the water.
-And you were inside? -I was inside, so the whole world goes upside down
and left becomes right and right becomes left...
And that hurts when it lands?
It goes dark as well.
-Underwater? -Suddenly it goes dark because you don't have the light
coming through any more. Because it's... Yeah.
So, you're underwater. That must have hurt like hell when you landed.
It's a big thud 'cause it's a huge framework to go over.
I'm just staggered at everything you ever do.
I'll tell you what it is. I once did this show ages ago about
about what it was that makes the human race advance,
and you're one of those people who, rather than sitting in the cave going,
"Oh, this is quite comfortable,"
you actually go, "I wonder what's in the next valley?"
Without people like you, the human race simply wouldn't have become what it is.
"I can't just sit at home. I can't do that."
I'm presuming that's what you'd think.
I'm not very good at sitting at home. I'm not very good at not doing anything.
I'm not very good at holidays. I don't switch off very easily. I need a project.
-You see, I'm brilliant at that! -(LAUGHING)
I am the world champion of watching television.
I'd still be sitting in a cave going, "It's all right, this."
Not for you, having said "No, I'm going to go and discover South America."
And that's why we should all be grateful to people like you
'cause we would still be eating deer and wearing fur.
So, anyway, I want to see how you did on your lap, obviously.
How was it out there?
The first comment has to be I think I could have done a bit better.
-You could have done better? -I was pleading for another lap!
At the end I said, "Please can I have another lap?"
They said, "No, no. That's it, Ellen." "Please can I have another lap?"
Well It was going dark, actually, to be brutally honest with you.
It's very difficult to film someone at night.
-We'd see the lights go by. -That'd be fine. I'd be perfectly happy with that.
Just to show you how competitive Ellen is, you did actually ask the producer,
"Have I got the same amount of petrol in my car that everybody else has?"
Yeah, I did. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm telling you, it's a Suzuki Liana, it's got 80 brake horse power,
it makes no difference how much petrol is in it, quite frankly.
-Anyway, shall we have a look at Ellen's lap? -AUDIENCE: Yeah!
Yeah. Here we go, let's have a look at this.
CLARKSON: You've not wasted too much of your life actually driving cars, have you?
No, I'm at sea for six months of every year, so...
CLARKSON: Now I looked back at your car history, and it was completely unspectacular,
so where did you learn to drive? That was quick.
--ELLEN: I didn't say much in the car, I'm afraid.
No, I can imagine you were... You haven't wept yet. That's another...
CLARKSON: Have you learnt all this just today from The Stig?
--ELLEN: He's pretty good, is The Stig. Yeah.
--CLARKSON: You've never done anything like this before?
Uh, three times on a go-kart track.
--CLARKSON: These lines we're looking at are bang on.
Look at that, ready? Ooh!
--CLARKSON: No, that is honestly, that is...
Ellen, this is impressive. I've got to be honest.
-(LAUGHING) ---Look at that! Tongue's come out!
Did you lift off there?
(LAUGHING) Ooh! (LAUGHS)
CLARKSON: No, no, you're fine! ELLEN: Looks worse from outside the car, actually.
--CLARKSON: I promise you, this is quick.
Here we go. Second to last corner, that's beautifully cut.
Smooth as silk, that one is. Gambon.
Ooh, this is a bit wide but quick, to be brutally honest,
and there we are across the line, everybody!
So where do you reckon, then?
Well, the question is, do I have to put it on there 'cause I'm small,
or do you have to put it on there 'cause you're tall?
Oh, trust me, I have to put it on there. After a lap like that,
you're not down with... We'd still be sitting here waiting for Wogan.
Oh, here he comes!
No, no, you're tall enough not to be able to reach it.
I've no idea. I really don't. All I know is I'd have liked another go, so...
This is a much bigger challenge than anything you've ever done before.
I appreciate that.
I was pretty nervous out there. This morning I was nervous, yeah.
Of course you were! There's 250 million people watching this!
There's nobody watching you out at sea.
You did it in...
Point seven! You've done it! First place!
That's quite emotional.
It is emotional, that.
Because, I mean, there's all these... And that is a stunning...
The other thing I must say, that's why we didn't let you do another lap.
"Can I do another one?" "Not a lot of point, love!"
You've just beaten it. You did a 1.47 on your first one.
1.47 exactly on the second. So exactly consistent lap times.
And anyone who knows anything about driving, that's the key.
And then popped in a 1.46.7.
Quicker than Jimmy Carr, fastest person ever.
Your life is now complete. Ladies and gentlemen, Ellen MacArthur!
God, I feel strangely inadequate.
Anyway, it's time for a rare dose of the real world,
because I've been driving the sort of car that people actually buy.
MAY: The Renault Clio. It's not as well built as a Polo,
not as good to drive as a Fiesta,
and nor is it as pretty as a Peugeot 206.
Yep. We love it!
The thing is, it has incredible charm and style.
It's the very essence of the chic European super mini.
The sort of car that just makes you happy.
Well, when I say it makes you happy, what I mean is it made you happy.
Because this Clio is no more.
Yes, there's a new one.
And even before I've gone ten meters, I'm inclined to say,
crikey! Vive la--difference!
First, the looks. All the mad lumps and bumps have gone.
It's restrained, mature and sophisticated
and if you go for wider tyres, you even get wider front wings to match.
That is haute couture for cars.
And it's the same with the interior. The old car was a mass of scratchy plastic
and you didn't really get very much, but now look at it!
It's grown up. It's got funky, interesting and rather smart details.
It's almost as if that ginger kid off Rock School--had had a makeover.
On top of that, you get a wide selection of petrol and diesel engines
and it's yours for between £9,000 and £15,000.
Or, on average, just £200 more than the old model.
And, finally, this car now has the largest interior in its class.
I think by now you've probably got the point.
The new Clio is altogether more refined and accomplished than its predecessor was.
It's the sort of car that the French hope will make up for their dismal showing
in the Top Gear satisfaction survey.
Doubtless one day you'll tell us if that's true or not.
But now to more pressing matters.
We're anxious to find out if the new Clio can still do what the old one did so well.
That is, put a smile on your face.
Which is why we're in Portugal.
For centuries, the Portuguese have struck fear into the hearts of sardines everywhere.
But now it's payback time.
Because we're going to cause a bit of mayhem on the streets of Lisbon.
This is Gee Atherton.
He's 20 years old and he's one of the world's top downhill bike racers.
His speciality is the urban race,
which involves blasting down narrow streets and alleyways at break-neck speed.
Something that requires great skill and agility.
So here's the challenge.
To see if the new Clio can do the urban hustle as well as the old one,
I'm going to take him on.
And here's how it's going to work.
Car and bicycle start up here at the Pasa del Sardino.
Then we make our way down through the winding streets and alleyways to the
finishing line, which is by the sea.
His route is four kilometres. Mine's less, at three,
but he can go places I can't, so that's fair.
And just to be on the safe side, I've also switched to the bigger 1.6 petrol engine.
So, all that's left is to psyche out Darth Vader.
-How many gears you got, on your bike then? -Nine.
Nine? My mountain bike's got 21.
-Nine's all I'm gonna need. -Yeah?
-What's the chances of you falling off? -Not much chance.
MAY: We're off!
Oi! Tricky hairpin.
Bollocks, I think I might have just clipped Lisbon.
I made the mistake of pretending I was a bike.
Agh! Agh! Sorry!
And now the kid was breathing down my neck.
When the roads opened out just a bit,
the Clio was very good. Very nippy!
Come on, come on, come on!
But what I didn't realise was just what a nutter the cyclist could be.
Sorry about that.
We were now both at sea level, with just a few hundred metres to go.
Come on! Come on!
He'd beaten me by ten seconds.
Well done, sir.
Permission to say, "Oh, cock!" on BBC 2.
CLARKSON: Very good.
Yup. I like it.
It is a good car. The only thing I've got to ask really is,
how much damage did you cause to it while losing to the boy on a bicycle?
Well, quite a lot, but the way I look at it is this,
it's only about the same as a week of driving in Paris.
-So it was a relevant task, then? -Yes.
Speaking of which, it's time to get back to tonight's challenge.
We've all bought supercars for less than £10,000
and we're doing a number of challenges with them,
as we go on one of our frankly epic voyages
from Bristol, here, to a lap-dancing bar in Slough about here.
When you look at it like that, it's not exactly the most arduous journey
ever undertaken, is it? No.
Nevertheless it's taken us half a day to get to about here.
And so far we've learnt that James's Lamborghini is rubbish,
Jeremy's Maserati is slow,
and my Ferrari...
Isn't a Ferrari.
-It is! -It is not a Ferrari. Teeth, be quiet.
-It's a... -Let's get back to the action.
CLARKSON: While you were away, the cars had their tanks drained
and were then given 25 litres to get them to the lap-dancing club in Slough,
96 miles away.
To get to Slough, with the fuel we've just put in,
we have to average 17 miles to the gallon.
-Apparently, yes. -Which, in a normal car...
No problem. Piece of cake.
These aren't entirely normal cars.
CLARKSON: To make matters worse, it had become obvious that the lap of Castle Combe
had hurt my engine badly.
Now, this is a half-French, half-Italian car. That's a worry.
See, when the French and the Italians come together to do cooking, that's great.
But when they come together to make a car, run.
Run for your life.
Now, I'm following Jeremy in his Maserati. I'm doing 48 miles an hour,
and I get the distinct impression that he's going flat out.
Look at that! Overtaken. (LAUGHING)
CLARKSON: For our next challenge, we had to go to a service centre in Chippenham.
No, don't do that! Yeah, yeah. That'll help.
Right. Challenge, I think.
It's just a bit tappety.
-Yeah, from both ends. -In the way that a dumper truck is.
I'm stuck! (GROANING)
You are now in a race. With no outside help, each of you must change the oil in
-your car, and all the spark plugs. -Oh, no.
Actually, come to think of it, you've got a V6, we've got V8s.
That's a good point. I've only got 6 spark plugs.
But I've never held a spanner in my life.
Well, he has. But on, like, old British motors...
All I have to do now,
is demonstrate to you two why I'm a doctor of engineering, twice.
HAMMOND: The good doctor then started work on his spark plugs
rather than changing his oil, which was actually quite dim.
Well, no. You'll need it to be hot for the oil to drain, 'cause it's thick.
Otherwise you get big lumpy bits, in your case, full of metal,
hanging around at the bottom of your engine.
--HAMMOND: Oddly, James began by doing housework.
The bonnet is eating my head.
HAMMOND: So the good doctor came up with an engineering solution.
Meanwhile, James had got going and got stuck.
I don't see how I'm going to do that.
--HAMMOND: While Jeremy had resorted to shouting.
Come on! Come on!
I sound like I'm in a porn film. (GROANING)
--HAMMOND: Their problem was inaccessible spark plugs.
Not something that was troubling me.
I'm actually dawdling! (LAUGHING)
I don't want to win by too much!
Oh, I can't get at this one. Oh, look, it's obscured by this lead.
You've got mechanics' butt cheek. Do you know that?
HAMMOND: After a brisk 50 minutes, Dr Clarkson had finished changing his plugs.
Yes! All six.
--HAMMOND: And set about making -- a mess of his oil change.
That went well.
--HAMMOND: Meanwhile, James was being pedantic.
And I was hampered by height issues.
The race to the finish was between me and the doctor.
That's it. Yeow!
First to start their engine.
-We've got the times? One hour 13 minutes point two for you. -Yeah.
13.25 for me. Half a second.
-I may have made a bit of a mess, though. -Meanwhile...
MAY: I'm quite happy doing this, if you'd like to sod off.
CLARKSON: As we left Chippenham, it became clear that the pit stop hadn't
really done my Maserati much good.
That's a great sound.
CLARKSON: Our next challenge was in the town of Marlborough,
and all I had to do was get there.
Look at all the dials here. My oil temperature, minus 20.
Fuel, depends on what sort of corner I'm going around.
Time, wrong. Battery, wrong.
Never mind. Could be worse.
This time, James had broken down outside a school
at lunch time.
Way to go, James.
(CROWD CHEERING) It's broken!
This is humiliating. (LAUGHING)
What has he done?
The best thing we can do to help James now is just go.
--CLARKSON: Eventually we made it into Marlborough,
where the locals could sense the tension of an upcoming three-way duel.
Supercars are notoriously hard to see out of.
They also have very heavy clutches and very heavy steering.
So which would be the easiest to park?
Right, we have to park our supercars in this space, against the clock.
And Hammond's first. Are you ready? Go!
This space is not big enough for this car.
Is he going to hit?
I'm about right!
-Hooray! -That's a point off! (LAUGHING)
Are you looking where you're going or using the Force?
Two points off!
That's it, I'm parked.
Parked, have you?
-That's perfect! -I'll call a cab and then he can get to the kerb.
MAY: Have a little walk down the kerb to your car.
One minute, 38.7.
--MAY: Next, it was the turn of the poorly Merak.
18 years I lived in London,
making this a piece of cake.
There you go. That's a touch!
That wasn't a touch.
Is it heavy, mate? Ooh!
Hope the engine lasts as long as this manoeuvre.
That is so neat.
One minute. One minute exactly.
CLARKSON: Then it was James' turn. And because his Lambo was very long and very hard to
see out of, we waited for him to fetch it and then helped him out a little bit.
You evil man! That's brilliant! That's genius.
About that much?
Ready, James? Three, two, one, go!
That's not a very good angle.
--CLARKSON: That kind of set the tone, really.
Touch! It doesn't fit!
Another touch. Two minutes 14, and he's having another crack at it.
He's kerbed the wheel! Another touch!
Oh, God! Kerbed!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
MAY: Did I do that? I'm really sorry.
Well, James, three minutes, 20 seconds.
And carnage brought to the town of Marlborough.
CLARKSON: So far, we've only covered 50 miles and things were going badly.
James had broken down more times than Sienna Miller,
and the tappety noise in my Maserati was getting louder.
How can it be so difficult to drive from Bristol to Slough?
MAY: Jeremy keeps banging on about the tappets,
but that is something much, much more serious.
That's the whole bowels of the engine disintegrating.
The one dial that was working this morning, oil pressure,
now says nought.
What genuinely scares me at the moment, is if the engine stops,
I lose all braking.
I don't mean if it gets worse, I mean, it goes completely.
CLARKSON: So would I make it to the finishing point at the lap-dancing bar?
60 miles to go.
I'm going for a gear change.
CLARKSON: But then...
I mean, I've lost brakes.
I've lost brakes.
Just a small technical point. Your engine didn't cut out.
-It disintegrated. -James, could you not, on my grief...
-It was like flying into a cloud in a small aeroplane. -With bits of engine...
MAY: Bits of engine striking the front of my car.
I think, gentlemen, I'm out.
HAMMOND: You're out. Yeah.
James, do you know what? Let's go, mate.
-Mine's still working. -MAY: Yeah, all right. I'll follow you, yeah?
Yeah. I'm running out of fuel
I can't carry extra weight. Sorry.
Jeremy has fallen spectacularly.
There's no way James's Lambo can make it.
It's mine! It's in the bag!
--HAMMOND: All I had to do was drive economically
because, of course, we weren't allowed to refuel.
Don't overtake, you fool!
That's brilliant. That's put my red light on.
HAMMOND: Nevertheless, 20 miles later, we were still going.
I'm in the centre of Reading, in a bright yellow Ferrari,
with no fuel in it, that could conk out at any minute.
Please don't go here, please don't go here, please don't go here.
Traffic's building up.
Bad for Hammond's fuel consumption, bad for my electrical supply.
--HAMMOND: Amazingly, I made it through Reading,
but then it really was time to clutch at straws.
I've discovered something. When I turn right,
the needle moves up off the stop. So if I keep turning right...
I've got more petrol.
Come on, Hammond, do the decent thing and run out of petrol.
Come on, little Ferrari.
Be frugal. Just sip.
--MAY: Hammond's miracle-powered car was beginning to worry me
but then, just ten miles from our destination...
What was that?
MAY: That's Hammond out!
Would you like me to keep a dancing girl warm for you?
No, I'd like you to give me a lift.
You know the rules, mate. Sorry.
Can't believe it.
MAY: And so, with--Top Gear presenters littering most of southern England,
the Lamborghini soldiered on.
The car that had started the day on the back of a tow-truck,
the car that had taken so much stick from Clarkson and Hammond,
was the only one left running.
All I need is enough electricity and enough petrol
to get to this Peppermint Rhinoceros place.
Yes, I was just seven miles from gentleman's club heaven.
It's smoking like hell.
Just keep going, car. I'll let you come in with me.
But then, just outside Slough.
--MAN 1: (ON RADIO) BBC Radio Berkshire.
--WOMAN: (ON RADIO) BBC Radio Berkshire.
MAN 2: (ON RADIO) And time for the latest on the roads now.
(HONKING) There's some news coming in
of some huge tailbacks on the A4, just to the east of...
--MAY: And guess what was causing it.
Yep, I was out as well.
So, in the end...
In the end, then, your car broke down as well.
Yes, it did, and that means, essentially, in case you missed it,
none of our £10,000 supercars could get us to a lap-dancing bar in Slough.
No, I must say, I was hoping to end the evening in a rather different sort of hedge,
but there we are.
I have to say, great respect. Your engine explosion was absolutely spectacular.
You're not joking. I actually collected the pieces off the road.
Look at this, okay? These are bits of the crank case
which blew a hole in the side of the engine.
And look. That, my big end ended up in a bucket.
-Oh! That's not what you want. -It just showered your car, didn't it?
I could hear it. (IMITATES BANGING)
You're looking a bit smug, but I don't think you ran out of petrol, did you?
No, what actually happened was a complete and catastrophic failure
-of all the engine electrics. All of them gone. -(LAUGHING)
-Yup. So, therefore this is... -This is useless. As useless as our cars, in fact.
Absolutely. But no matter. We did end up with a Top Gear--top tip, okay?
Yes, you can buy a supercar for less than £10,000
-but for the love of God, don't. -(LAUGHING)
And that's all we've really got time... Oh, no, wait a minute.
No. Next week, okay? Next week, we've got this.
That isn't so much a throttle that my right foot's on, it's a hyperspace button.
World's going backwards!
I've been in some quick stuff in my time but nothing...
Nothing like this.
That is the fastest car in the world
and it's in, what, it's the biggest-ever race we've ever done, across Europe.
You've got to watch it. See you then. Goodnight.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)