Top Gear (2002–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - Episode #7.4 - full transcript

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

CLARKSON:   Tonight, which is faster?   A Renault or a bicycle?

Ellen MacArthur sets sail   on our track.

And how much supercar do you get for £10,000?

Hello. Now last week on the show, we had a Pagani Zonda.

And this week, we're kicking  off with another one!

--HAMMOND: This is it. It's called the Zonda F.

Nearly the whole body from nose to tail has been restyled

following a visit   to the wind tunnel.

On top of that, the interior   is now even more insane.

The wheels are magnesium   and the whole exhaust system



has been forged from titanium.

The price for the F   is £440,000,

£100,000 more than   the normal Zonda.

So, you'd hope the changes   aren't just cosmetic.

And indeed, they aren't.

Dear God!

The power has gone up  from 555 brake horsepower

to 602.

That is two Porsche Caymans,  in a car that weighs less than  one Porsche Cayman.

Naught to 60, 3.6 seconds.

Top speed, 215 mph,  maybe more.

But the F isn't   merely about extra grunt.

God really is in the details.

The brakes are carbon ceramic.



Even the carbon fibre in the  structure of the car that  you can't see,

they've changed the  weave to make it  lighter and stronger.

It's such a bizarre mixture  of power and precision.

If surgeons used chainsaws,  this is what they'd have!

Put it all together and the   experience is shattering.

The noise! Listen to that!

All of the hair on my body  is standing up!

(LAUGHING) I had tried to  think of clever things to  say then, but I couldn't!

It's just... I'm gonna do that again!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

HAMMOND: Wow!

That is unbelievable,  that car!

It's brilliant. I love it!

And, like I said...  Like I said,

it really is about that combination of just precision and power.

It's like pressing the button  on a beautifully crafted watch  and then

(BEEP) all the volcanoes in the world erupt! It's astonishing!

No, the thing is though,  we've now got to find out how  fast it goes round our track.

So that means handing it over  to our tame racing driver.

-Some say that  his tears are adhesive...  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...and that if he caught fire,  he'd burn for 1,000 days.

All we know is  he's called The Stig.

CLARKSON: And he's off! I should say this car has a very real chance

of being the fastest car ever   round our track.

That means beating the Maserati MC 12 that has   21 more horsepower.

First corner, no drama here. Gently stoking up that massive Mercedes V12.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Stig of course, not listening   to the engine.

He's enjoying a spot   of Purcell, there.   Nice arrangement!

Chicago, carrying the pacing,   metering out the power,

using all the track and on his way down to Hammerhead.

Looking a little frisky under   braking. Careful!

Careful on the way in.   Don't let the nose run wide.   Go on, accelerate now!

Tail steps out a bit but he's on top of that in an instant!

(CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

Here comes the follow-through. Surely he'll have to lift off.

Yep, feathering the throttle   then back on it through   the tyres!

--(LAUGHING)   Now just two corners left.

Can it beat the MC 12?   Can it beat what is   basically an Enzo in drag?

Coming up to Gambon. Lap record is in sight!

Tail kicking out,   and across the line!

Right. It's got the  Maserati MC12 to beat, 1.18.9.

-It's done it! 1.18.4!  Quickest score ever...  -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

...round the Top Gear  test track.

-I knew it!  -You liked it, though did you?

Oh, man. I knew it would do that.

That is such a car.

What an unbelievable car.

Yeah, if you go through the small ads in the back of car magazines

you'll find they're stuffed  full of ads for supercars  which cost less than what?

A two year old Mondeo.

Now this sounds  incredibly tempting,  but what are cars like this

going to be like to live with?

So to find out, we were each  given £10,000

and told to go out and buy a supercar that's mid-engined and Italian.

Yes, and then we were told  to take whatever we bought

to Bristol,  where we would be  set a series of challenges.

-(LAUGHING)  -I think you can probably see  where this is going.

Here's what happened.

--HAMMOND:   I was the first to arrive.

I've just bought a Ferrari for 10 grand!

It's a 1979 308 GT4.

Look, it's yellow,  it's got an engine in the  middle, it's got everything.

Right. Wait for the others.  See what they've got.

Jeremy was next to roll up.

-CLARKSON: Behold the Maserati Merak. -Yeah? It's a Maserati.

Maserati Merak.

Merak.

-Right!  -Yup! Possibly the prettiest  supercar ever made.

HAMMOND: Potentially...

-CLARKSON: £7,000.   -That's about three   grand less than me.

CLARKSON: And you bought a...

HAMMOND: I've got a Ferrari.

No, you haven't. It is a Ferrari!

It just isn't a Ferrari.

CLARKSON: What Richard   had bought was never   originally called a Ferrari.

It was so slow and wet, it was actually called a Dino.

There's no point going,  "I bought my shirt at George,"  it's from ASDA.

You've got a George car.

(LAUGHING)  What's this?

-It's a spare wheel! -Hang on, they're a V6, aren't they?

Yeah, but it's brilliant.

The engine in this, the guy I bought it from

just spent £10,000 rebuilding that engine.

Sold the whole car for seven.

-Sensible plan. -Shows how much the rest of it's worth.

Watch the headlamps.

They work brilliantly.  Ready?

-There you go.  The headlights are on.  -But they're...

No, you can see they're on,  if you get down here.

-Look, there they are.  Can you see them?  -Yeah. (LAUGHING)

Oh, that's a shame.

There you have it.  Now let go of it.

If I let go?

(LAUGHING)

--CLARKSON: You may have   noticed we're waffling a bit.

And that's because we're   waiting for Captain Sense   of Direction,

who we assumed had gotten lost.

(GROANING)  You fancy some lunch?

CLARKSON: But we were wrong.

James has bought an AA truck!

(LAUGHING)

He's bought a... (LAUGHING)

At least he's made it to the  end of our last one of these  before getting on one!

-Right...  -James, we said a  mid-engined Italian supercar,

not a truck.

(LAUGHING)

Is that the best you two can come up with?

Yes, it is. What is your car?

That, gentlemen...  Was...

A Lamborghini Urraco.  Look at it!

Not a very good example!

It's superb!

CLARKSON: But, James, let's cut to the chase. -Okay.

It's on a lorry.

It's an electrical problem.

-(LAUGHING) -The Italians invented electricity, as we know.

CLARKSON:   James decided the best   form of defence was attack.

Let me see. I know about old cars, as you know. And I can look at this

and with my trained eye, I can  tell you immediately that  that is a pup.

You've got a trained eye,  and you bought that?

HAMMOND:   So, what had the production   team got in store for us?

-Have a look... -CLARKSON: Don't do that to my car!

Your '70s supercar  mission for today is  to drive from Bristol

to Spearmint Rhino in Slough.

That's a lap-dancing club.

Is it? (CHUCKLING)

-Oh, you don't know.  -No, that's what these cars  are about! Okay, fair enough.

You may not use the M4 itself.

So we have to go along the M4  corridor on the wiggly road.

Swindon, Reading...

Maidstone...

Your sense of direction! You mean Maidenhead.

Oh, yeah.  (LAUGHING)

As long as he's got  a sense of direction,  he can get him there.

HAMMOND: As usual, points would be lost for unforeseen stoppages,

and naturally,   there would be a series   of challenges along the way.

See you there.  Bye.

What I love about  this particular Merak

is that it is the SS,  one of the later ones,  very rare.

They only made 652   of them.

Now, this is kind of heavy  A-road traffic through town,  stop-start stuff.

I'll expect it to overheat here, frankly, and nothing!

Water temperature,  oil temperature,  oil pressure, all perfect.

I wonder if James has got  his alternator going yet.

CLARKSON: He had! Sort of.

Right, now the battery is  discharging, the oil  temperature is very high,

the oil pressure is very low,  the engine temperature is off  the end of the scale,

I'm running out of petrol,  but the clock is correct.

Right, we're out of Bristol.  No mechanical maladies  to report.

There's smoke coming out  of the back of that thing!  That's smoke!

Eh? No, it's not a kit car.  It's a Lamborghini!

Philistine.

I've noticed that my speedo  is a bit, um, optimistic.

We were stuck behind a tractor  earlier on that was doing 50,

according to this.

--HAMMOND:   Never mind! Could be worse!

Yes, James had run out   of electricity again.

CLARKSON: I just can't believe somebody's put a Ferrari badge on that when it isn't one.

But there you are, you know.   If it makes you happy.

How can they say "not a Ferrari"?

It was named after Enzo  Ferrari's tragically dead son,

and built to fit old man Ferrari himself!

What a marvellous day.  Sun shining,

Maserati to drive,  endless scope for  laughing at Hammond

for buying the wrong car and James for buying one  that doesn't work.

--MAY: Actually, I got my car   working, and what a car!

'Course, in its day,  the Urraco was one of the  fastest and most exciting

four-seater cars you could buy.

142 miles an hour,  naught to 60 in about  six and a half seconds...

It was ever such a  long time ago, though.

HAMMOND:   Meanwhile, Jeremy and I were   nearing our first challenge.

Castle Combe Racing Circuit.  You have got to be kidding!

Racetrack? That's when we  see the Maserati come good!

I'm feeling confident.

--CLARKSON: So why   was Hammond nervous?

You see,  my car has a bit of a secret.

In the back of it, there's a  sub-frame, which on the 308,  holds the engine in

and the wheels on.  Keeps them attached  to the body.

And, um, it's just made of rust.

--HAMMOND:   Still, could be worse.

Yes, James had   broken down again.

--CLARKSON: Castle Combe is 20 miles from Bristol

and most of us got there.

It's a fierce track this,

one of the fastest in Britain,

a real car-breaker.

Can we have the challenge?  Find out what it is?  He can pick up later on.

Yeah.

I know what this is gonna be.

Go on.

Stig'll drive them round the  track, points for the winner.

No, it isn't!

It's "Your supercars were  built in the '70s.  How super are they today?

"To find out, The Stig's going  to set a lap time in

"a Vauxhall Astra diesel.  You will then attempt to beat  his time in your cars.

"You lose points for every  second over The Stig's time,

"and gain points for every  second under it."

CLARKSON: The Stig was really on it. But a diesel hatchback? Come on.

-They've got a Lamborghini,  a Maserati, and a Ferrari...  -(LAUGHING)

-I can see that...  -Easily gonna  be able to beat...

And across the line in, one  minute thirty-five seconds.

Well actually,  I'd say we stood a... Hello!

May!  (LAUGHING)

-May has joined us.  -Now hang on, have you come  by bus or are you in your car?

No, I'm in my car.  Is it on a truck?

No, it's not. It's fine.

Did it break down  on the way here?

-No, I just had to stop and  fill it up with electricity.  -(LAUGHING)

--CLARKSON: Given that James'   car was actually running,

we decided to make   hay and send it out first.

Three, two, one, go!

This is a piece of cake.

Oh, hang on.

Smoke.

CLARKSON: Oh, my God!  MAY: I got so excited,  I wet myself.

CLARKSON: Your car's  done a wee.

Do you think, if we get this  going again, you will actually  be able to do one lap?

Yes, I do. And a...

And a good one at that.

(LAUGHING)

Go!

It's a right-hander,  I'm turning into the apex,  snatching third...

1 minute, 18. He's not even in sight.

I'm... Oh, shit.

Whoa, whoa!

He's gonna make it!

And the V8 Lamborghini is,

Stig was 1.35.  Yeah?

1.58.

Rubbish.

HAMMOND: Next, it was my Ferrari, so far the most reliable car of the day.

Oh!  The mirror's just come off!

Um...

...Two, one, go!

HAMMOND: And with 255 horsepower, it was also the most powerful.

It's indicating  100 miles an hour.

This is probably about 50.

He's very competitive.

He is very competitive.

He's taking it very seriously.

It rolls!

CLARKSON: Hammond gave   his all, but he was still   slower than The Stig.

How long before Hammond blames a misfire?

1 minute, 43 seconds.

Oh! (LAUGHING)

The problem is it rolls,  so I thought I'll have to  make up time on the straights.

Yeah but the engine sounded pretty healthy.

-And then it  developed a misfire...  -(LAUGHING)

I knew! I knew you'd say...

It did!

CLARKSON: Finally, it was the turn of the mighty Merak.

Go!

V6.

CLARKSON: It may only be a V6, but remember, this is the SS version

with 220 horsepower.

4,000 rpm!

And that's all the rebuilt  engine has to give.

Nicely balanced, though.

That car is...

Why won't you rev?

An appalling heap of junk.

(LAUGHING)

Come on! Come on, car!

I've got it. Don't say it...

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(LAUGHING)  I've got no brakes.

The excuses are coming. Here we go. Oh, he's not stopped.

(LAUGHING)

I've got no brakes!

--CLARKSON:   I also had no coolant.

Do you know what would cure  that? Spending £10,000 on an  engine... Oh, somebody has!

It's a bit steamy, I've no  brakes. Oil pressure has  completely gone.

So, do you want to know or not?

Well, tell me what I did with no brakes.

(CLEARING THROAT) 1 minute...

...54!

54. That is brave.

(LAUGHING)

--CLARKSON: To find out why our   lap times were so woeful,

we were given   another challenge.

This is a rolling road which  you use to measure power.

Now what we're gonna do,  is put the cars on it and find  out how many of the horses

that were put into their  engines when they were new,

have escaped over the years.

And, obviously, we lose points  for every horsepower that's  gone missing.

CLARKSON: Now, we weren't   covering our ears because of   the noise from Hammond's

fake Ferrari, but because   James was boring us to death.

It measures the wheel  horsepower and then by letting  it run down, it converts the

mechanical drag  into the extra horsepower  in the fly wheel.

Good.

CLARKSON: Remember, the Dino had 255 horsepower when it left the factory 30 years ago.

So what's he got to hit? How much have you lost?

It said 194. That's not bad!

So 194 brake horsepower is what it's actually producing.

61.

-Rampant Italian horses.  -61 horsepower have escaped.  That's how many a year?

Think of it another way.  That's a VW Lupo has escaped  from your engine!

CLARKSON: Now, will the Lambo run long enough for the machine to take a reading.

This machine goes up to 450 brake horsepower.

Oh, well, I hope we're okay.

I think we might be fine.

See? V8, 2.5 litres.

220 brake horsepower to beat.

It's lost 103.

(LAUGHING)  So it's got 117 left!

Is there enough  power to get it off?

--CLARKSON: Then it was   the turn of the Maserati.

But first, I've discovered   something worrying in   the service history.

Note, please, item two, badge.

(LAUGHING)  Badge SS

(LAUGHING) Oh!

£38 for an SS badge!

I bought a car that's got  a 38 quid badge on it.

--CLARKSON: There was some good news, though.

Because it turned out I   only had an ordinary Merak,

it meant I only had to reach   190 horsepower, not 220.

Oh, yeah, here we go!

(LAUGHING)  Come on, what is it?

(MUTTERING) 80. What?

80.

80! (LAUGHING)

They've all got away!  There must be a big gate  open on the back and all your

horses just got out!  Your car is garbage.  (LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Very good. Now,

we're going to be picking  that up later on, but for now

it's time to update our  Italian mid-engined supercars

-for less than a second-hand  Mondeo challenge.  -Chart!

And, first up, the lap. Well, I won that in my Ferrari.

Just minus 8 points there.

Can I just say, I did only  have 80 horsepower?

Yes, exactly. So horsepower,

I won that as well with my Ferrari. Good.

Then we come to the unforeseen  breakdowns, that was none  for you Jeremy...

Ah, yes. None for me,  but you knocked your  rear view mirror off.

Oh rubbish, that doesn't count. I did that. Ah, it doesn't count.

Then there's James,  what were you? You were...

-Three.  -No, you weren't.  You were four.

You arrived on a truck! Exactly.

It hadn't started then. Oh, don't be ridiculous.

It had started for us. You just turned up late.

HAMMOND: We had started. It's minus 20. So, there you go.

And now, the next one  is the big one, okay?

Insurance.  That's the main problem  with cars of this type. Okay?

We had to go out  and get a quote to see  how low we could go.

And mine was, for the Maserati, £300.

A year? Yeah.

For a Maserati? Yeah.

-Don't be ridiculous.  -No, you see,  the reason is very simple.

Unlike you, I'm a respectable  middle-aged man,

unlike you, I don't have  any points on my licence.

It's kept in an alarmed,  locked garage in one of the  safest part of the country.

Yeah but hang on a minute,  though, because you are, what,

a journalist  and a broadcaster.

-Yup.  -And I happen to know that  those are two of the highest

rated insurance  risks on the book.

Yup, you're exactly right,  which is why I told them  I was a doctor.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

MAY: So you're lying?

Your doctorate isn't real!  It just arrived  in the post one day!

A university made me a doctor.  I am a doctor. It's £300.  How does it work?

£500 was the benchmark,  you get a point for every £100  you are under it.

So, incredibly,  you get two points there.

Two points for being a doctor.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Yeah.  Go on, then, what was yours?

-Well, I said I'm an  after-dinner speaker.  -(LAUGHING)

You see? I've done two!

-Two hundred.  -It is two, it's every week.  Anyway, what was your quote?

Well, for a big corporate  bank, £5,000. I suppose for a  charity I'll do it for £3,500.

No, you blithering idiot.  What was your insurance quote?

Oh! A grand. £1,000.

That includes, presumably,  the £800 to cover your  new expensive teeth?

I've not had my teeth whitened.

I just haven't. So I actually  lose, that's minus five.

-Englebert's going down here  with his new teeth.  -HAMMOND: That's bad.

James, you?

Now, I was honest,  and I said, I'm a journalist  and a broadcaster.

And I bet you told them  you lived in London as well.

Yes, single. Car parked on the  street. Live in an area of  London that's usually on fire.

(LAUGHING)

So, your quote was?

£5,000!

(LAUGHING)

Actually, you know,  we're laughing...  I once had an Escort Cosworth,

okay, years and years  and years ago,

and I got a quote for that  of £22,000! Twenty-two grand!

-Hang on, the car wasn't  worth that!  -Oh, no, it was worth £19,000!

Anyway, where are we up to?

Right, now,  I get to minus 28...

No, that's you, Jeremy. You're at minus 28.

-I'm on minus  20 in my Ferrari.  -CLARKSON: 20, it's close.

And James,  you lost another 45 there.

I'm on minus...

No, he's on minus 99!

Minus 99, James!  Well, I was going for 100.

Well done, James.  Quite frankly,  you'd have done better

if you hadn't bought a car.

Now, we've got to move it on.  We'll pick this up later  as I said, but for now

we've got to put a star  in our reasonably priced car.

For me, she is just the  biggest star in the firmament.

She's a goddess.  Ladies and gentlemen, please  welcome, Ellen MacArthur!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Hello. How are you?

I'm good.

Have a seat.

Oh, this is...

My life is complete.

Every single week, every  week since this new type of  Top Gear started,

every week I've said, have we  got Ellen MacArthur  on this week?

And every week, "No, we haven't." You're always on a boat.

-It's a problem.  -Even this week,  where have you been?

I just got back from Brazil.  In a race over there  from France.

Finished about a week ago.

You've got the world  record now, the fastest person  ever to sail round the world.

And obviously we've all seen  those things on TV and we've  all read the books.

Well, I've read them!  Just... (GROANS)

The thing is, I want to talk  about the southern oceans,  okay?

How big are they?

Um, they're endless, I think  the easy way to say it.

Because they go round and  round the bottom of the earth  so...

-The wind does? -The wind, the weather, the waves, everything.

In the northern hemisphere,  where we are, there's  land mass.

The storms are stopped  by the land mass.

In the southern ocean, there's  nothing to stop the storms,

they just roll round and  round. So the waves get  bigger and bigger and bigger.

It's incredible. So, how big?

How big? (INHALES) Hmm. Twice the height of the studio, I reckon.

Well, that's what,  30, 60 feet?

60 feet.  Yeah, I'd say 60 feet.

And they're very, very long,  so they're big,  but it's like, uh,

it's like going down mountains  but quite kind of  rolling mountains

and suddenly you get a steep  one, and they're the ones  to watch out for.

-Because you'd just,  nose-dive straight in.  -Just go down.

Which, in the daytime,  is not too bad

because obviously you can see  where you're going,

but at night-time you can't see anything.

And the sea, of course, is constantly changing.

There's no sense  of rhythm, is there?

There's no sense of, "I'm used to this now."

'Cause any minute now  you could have  a really huge wave.

Yeah, there are definitely  freak waves and  you do feel those.

Well, you hear them,  the force when they  hit the boat.

But also with a multi-hull  it's harder.

B&Q,--the boat I took round  --the world, has three hulls.

So it's like having, um...  Like a car having six wheels.

You know, something could hit  any one of those six wheels  and it would be affected by it

it's just  the same with a boat.

So, you can never  really predict what  the boat's gonna do.

Sometimes she's about to go  and then suddenly  the other hull gets hit.

And it's very, very  violent, the motion.

And you don't even get  any sleep do you,  on these massive voyages?

Well, not really what I'd call  a good eight hours!

(LAUGHING)

Obviously not! No...

No, quite  a long way from that.

(STAMMERING)

Sleep is the single  hardest thing you  have to deal with out there.

Harder than the waves,  harder than fixing things,  harder than everything,

it's just the sleep. Because, it's, you know,

sleep deprivation  is used as torture

and when you really can't  sleep because your life's  in danger if you do sleep,

you really suffer  and you really tough it out.

Well, how long would you sleep for, then, in an average day?

-Uh, depends. -Down there, anyway, in the southern oceans?

There was a period, very long,  during three days,

where I don't think I slept  for more than 20 minutes.

-That was horrendous.  -It is! It's... God, isn't it?

-It's just... And you're 24...  (STAMMERS)  -29 now.

Twenty-nine, then, it was.  Most 29-year-olds  are in bed until lunchtime!

-(YAWNING)  Going clubbing, yeah.  -(LAUGHING)

Have you ever got into a  position when you thought,  "I really want to give up,

-"this is just too  much like hard work"?  -No.

-You've never been  in that position?  -Not at sea.

At sea,  you know why you're out there.

You have to do your absolute  best until that finish line.

And you have to pace yourself.

You have to see,  "How long do I have to  keep this up for?"

And you know  the one thing that's for sure

is when you finish,  you'll be absolutely  exhausted.

You bet! The lovely one I know you're always saying is about

-how people sustain you by  sending emails, into the...  -Hmm.

Shit. But they do don't they?

They really do, yeah.

My favourite one, I'm going to  share it with you, was one of  the emails we picked out

which is, "Dear Ellen..."

This was from a  bloke in England.

"You're such a gutsy girl,  that I felt I should be doing  something with my life.

"So I went into the shed,  fixed the lawnmower,

"and mowed the lawn for  the first time in two years."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So you had  a profound effect on him,  whoever this was.

That's cool, yeah!

-'Cause I've tried sailing,  obviously.  -(LAUGHING)

Yeah, I have! You know  those Hobie Cats  you rent on the beach?

I had the most monumental  crash in one of those.  Honestly.

You're batting along at...  How fast do they go,  20 knots?

Maybe, yeah. Tops.

Big, 29-foot thing.

I had a harness on, so I was  leaning over, and one of the  hulls dug into the sea.

-So you're catapulted off  -It stops very quickly,  doesn't it?

Absolutely stops dead.

But I carried on,  17 stone of me, in my harness,  got a five-point thing,

17 stone stopped by my testicles.

(LAUGHING)

Agh!  You don't have that of course!

-Have you had any big crashes?

Bigger than that for example?  Yes.

Where they just stop?

-I've done the same thing  in a 60-foot trimaran.  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Where you strapped on to it?  Straight over the top.

Were you harnessed on?  No.

We were inside. There's a  little cabin, like a little  capsule in the middle,

where you can basically get out of the weather.

There were five of us on the  boat, and literally, the  boat's steered by rudders

and one of them kicked up,  'cause it was a kick-up  system for security,

and when we turned the boat  to try to slow the boat down,  a wave rolled underneath,

went straight under  the middle rudder, so that  came out of the water.

And so we just went straight  over the top.

One corner of the boat,  as you go over, 'cause you  kind of go over diagonally,

would have been  about 75 feet off the water.

-And you were inside?  -I was inside, so the whole  world goes upside down

and left becomes right  and right becomes left...

And that hurts when it lands?

It goes dark as well.

-Underwater?  -Suddenly it goes dark because  you don't have the light

coming through any more. Because it's... Yeah.

So, you're underwater. That must have hurt like hell when you landed.

It's a big thud  'cause it's a huge  framework to go over.

I'm just staggered  at everything you ever do.

I'll tell you what it is.  I once did this show  ages ago about

about what it was that makes  the human race advance,

and you're one of those people  who, rather than sitting in  the cave going,

"Oh, this is  quite comfortable,"

you actually go,  "I wonder what's in  the next valley?"

Without people like you, the  human race simply wouldn't  have become what it is.

"I can't just sit at home.  I can't do that."

I'm presuming that's what you'd think.

I'm not very good at sitting  at home. I'm not very good  at not doing anything.

I'm not very good at holidays.  I don't switch off very  easily. I need a project.

-You see,  I'm brilliant at that!  -(LAUGHING)

I am the world champion of watching television.

I'd still be sitting in a cave  going, "It's all right, this."

Not for you, having said  "No, I'm going to go  and discover South America."

And that's why we should all  be grateful to people like you

'cause we would still be  eating deer and wearing fur.

So, anyway, I want to see  how you did on your lap,  obviously.

How was it out there?

Um...

The first comment has to be I think I could have done a bit better.

-You could have done better?  -I was pleading for  another lap!

At the end I said,  "Please can I have  another lap?"

They said, "No, no. That's it,  Ellen." "Please can I have  another lap?"

Well It was going dark, actually, to be brutally honest with you.

It's very difficult to  film someone at night.

-We'd see the lights go by.  -That'd be fine. I'd be  perfectly happy with that.

Just to show you how  competitive Ellen is, you did  actually ask the producer,

"Have I got the same amount of  petrol in my car that  everybody else has?"

Yeah, I did.  (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'm telling you, it's a Suzuki Liana, it's got  80 brake horse power,

it makes no difference how  much petrol is in it,  quite frankly.

-Anyway, shall we have  a look at Ellen's lap? -AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Yeah. Here we go,  let's have a look at this.

CLARKSON: You've not wasted too much of your life actually driving cars, have you?

No, I'm at sea for six  months of every year, so...

CLARKSON: Now I looked back   at your car history, and it   was completely unspectacular,

so where did you learn to  drive? That was quick.

--ELLEN: I didn't say much in   the car, I'm afraid.

No, I can imagine you were...  You haven't wept yet.  That's another...

CLARKSON: Have you   learnt all this just   today from The Stig?

--ELLEN: He's pretty good, is The Stig. Yeah.

--CLARKSON: You've never done   anything like this before?

Uh, three times  on a go-kart track.

--CLARKSON: These lines   we're looking at are bang on.

Look at that, ready?   Ooh!

--CLARKSON: No,   that is honestly, that is...

Ellen, this is impressive.   I've got to be honest.

-(LAUGHING)   ---Look at that!  Tongue's come out!

Did you lift off there?

(LAUGHING) Ooh! (LAUGHS)

CLARKSON: No, no, you're fine! ELLEN: Looks worse from outside the car, actually.

--CLARKSON: I promise you, this is quick.

Here we go. Second to last corner, that's beautifully cut.

Smooth as silk,   that one is. Gambon.

Ooh, this is a bit wide but  quick, to be brutally honest,

and there we are across the line, everybody!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

So...

So where do you reckon, then?

Well, the question is,  do I have to put it on there  'cause I'm small,

or do you have  to put it on there  'cause you're tall?

Oh, trust me,  I have to put it on there.  After a lap like that,

you're not down with... We'd still be sitting here waiting for Wogan.

(GROANING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, here he comes!

No, no, you're tall enough  not to be able to reach it.

I've no idea. I really don't.  All I know is I'd have liked  another go, so...

(LAUGHING)

This is a much bigger challenge than anything you've ever done before.

I appreciate that.

I was pretty nervous out there. This morning I was nervous, yeah.

Of course you were!  There's 250 million  people watching this!

There's nobody watching you out at sea.

You did it in...

One minute...

Forty-six...

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Point seven! You've done it!  First place!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Brilliant!

That's quite emotional.

It is emotional, that.

Because, I mean,  there's all these...  And that is a stunning...

The other thing I must say,  that's why we didn't let you  do another lap.

"Can I do another one?"  "Not a lot of point, love!"

You've just beaten it.  You did a 1.47 on your  first one.

1.47 exactly on the second.  So exactly consistent  lap times.

And anyone who knows anything  about driving, that's the key.

And then popped in a 1.46.7.

Quicker than Jimmy Carr, fastest person ever.

Your life is now complete.  Ladies and gentlemen,  Ellen MacArthur!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

God, I feel  strangely inadequate.

Anyway, it's time for a  rare dose of the real world,

because I've been driving  the sort of car that people  actually buy.

MAY: The Renault Clio.   It's not as well built   as a Polo,

not as good to   drive as a Fiesta,

and nor is it as pretty as a Peugeot 206.

Yep. We love it!

The thing is, it has   incredible charm and style.

It's the very essence of the   chic European super mini.

The sort of car   that just makes you happy.

Well, when I say it makes you  happy, what I mean is  it made you happy.

Because this Clio is no more.

Yes, there's a new one.

And even before I've  gone ten meters,  I'm inclined to say,

crikey! Vive la--difference!

First, the looks.   All the mad lumps and   bumps have gone.

It's restrained, mature and sophisticated

and if you go for wider tyres, you even get wider front wings to match.

That is haute couture   for cars.

And it's the same with the  interior. The old car was a  mass of scratchy plastic

and you didn't really get very  much, but now look at it!

It's grown up. It's got funky,  interesting and  rather smart details.

It's almost as if that ginger  kid off Rock School--had  had a makeover.

On top of that, you get a   wide selection of petrol   and diesel engines

and it's yours for between   £9,000 and £15,000.

Or, on average, just £200   more than the old model.

And, finally, this car now   has the largest interior   in its class.

I think by now you've probably  got the point.

The new Clio is altogether  more refined and accomplished  than its predecessor was.

It's the sort of car that the  French hope will make up for  their dismal showing

in the Top Gear  satisfaction survey.

Doubtless one day you'll tell us if that's true or not.

But now to more   pressing matters.

We're anxious to find out if the new Clio can still do what the old one did so well.

That is,  put a smile on your face.

Which is why   we're in Portugal.

For centuries, the Portuguese have struck fear into the hearts of sardines everywhere.

But now it's payback time.

Because we're going to cause  a bit of mayhem on the  streets of Lisbon.

This is Gee Atherton.

He's 20 years old and he's one of the world's top downhill bike racers.

His speciality is   the urban race,

which involves blasting down   narrow streets and alleyways   at break-neck speed.

Something that requires great skill and agility.

So here's the challenge.

To see if the new Clio can do  the urban hustle as well as  the old one,

I'm going to take him on.

And here's how   it's going to work.

Car and bicycle start up here  at the Pasa del Sardino.

Then we make our way down  through the winding streets  and alleyways to the

finishing line,  which is by the sea.

His route is four kilometres.   Mine's less, at three,

but he can go places I can't,   so that's fair.

And just to be on the safe   side, I've also switched to   the bigger 1.6 petrol engine.

So, all that's left   is to psyche out Darth Vader.

-How many gears you got, on your bike then? -Nine.

Nine?  My mountain bike's got 21.

-Nine's all I'm gonna need.  -Yeah?

-What's the chances of  you falling off?  -Not much chance.

We'll see.

(TIMER BEEPING)

MAY: We're off!

Oi! Tricky hairpin.

Bollocks, I think I might  have just clipped Lisbon.

Come on!

(MUTTERING)

(GROANING)

I made the mistake   of pretending I was a bike.

Agh! Agh!  Sorry!

And now the kid was breathing down my neck.

When the roads   opened out just a bit,

the Clio was very good. Very nippy!

Come on, come on, come on!

But what I didn't realise   was just what a nutter   the cyclist could be.

(DOG BARKING)

(SCREAMS)

That's terrifying.

Sorry about that.

We were now both at sea level, with just a few hundred metres to go.

Paved road!

Come on! Come on!

(BEEP)

He's there!

He'd beaten me by ten seconds.

Well done, sir.

Permission to say, "Oh, cock!"  on BBC 2.

(CHEERING)

CLARKSON: Very good.

Good car.

Yup. I like it.

It is a good car. The only thing I've got to ask really is,

how much damage did you  cause to it while losing to  the boy on a bicycle?

Well, quite a lot, but the  way I look at it is this,

it's only about the same  as a week of driving in Paris.

-So it was a relevant task,  then?  -Yes.

Speaking of which, it's time to get back to tonight's challenge.

We've all bought supercars  for less than £10,000

and we're doing a number of  challenges with them,

as we go on one of our frankly  epic voyages

from Bristol, here, to a  lap-dancing bar in Slough  about here.

When you look at it like that,  it's not exactly the most  arduous journey

ever undertaken, is it? No.

Nevertheless it's taken us  half a day to get to about  here.

And so far we've learnt that  James's Lamborghini  is rubbish,

Jeremy's Maserati is slow,

and my Ferrari...

Isn't a Ferrari.

-It is!  -It is not a Ferrari.  Teeth, be quiet.

-It's a... -Let's get back to the action.

CLARKSON:   While you were away, the cars   had their tanks drained

and were then given 25 litres to get them to the lap-dancing club in Slough,

96 miles away.

To get to Slough, with the  fuel we've just put in,

we have to average 17 miles to the gallon.

-Apparently, yes.  -Which, in a normal  car...

No problem.  Piece of cake.

These aren't  entirely normal cars.

CLARKSON: To make matters   worse, it had become obvious   that the lap of Castle Combe

had hurt my engine badly.

(ENGINE RATTLING)

Now, this is a half-French,  half-Italian car.  That's a worry.

See, when the French and the  Italians come together to do  cooking, that's great.

But when they come together  to make a car, run.

Run for your life.

Now, I'm following Jeremy  in his Maserati.  I'm doing 48 miles an hour,

and I get the distinct  impression that he's going  flat out.

Look at that! Overtaken. (LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: For our next   challenge, we had to go to a   service centre in Chippenham.

No, don't do that!  Yeah, yeah. That'll help.

Right. Challenge, I think.

It's just a bit tappety.

-Yeah, from both ends.  -In the way that a  dumper truck is.

Right...

I'm stuck! (GROANING)

You are now in a race.  With no outside help, each of  you must change the oil in

-your car, and all the spark plugs. -Oh, no.

Actually, come to think of it,  you've got a V6,  we've got V8s.

That's a good point.  I've only got 6 spark plugs.

But I've never held a spanner  in my life.

Well, he has. But on, like,  old British motors...

All I have to do now,

is demonstrate to you two why  I'm a doctor of engineering, twice.

HAMMOND:   The good doctor then started   work on his spark plugs

rather than changing his oil,   which was actually quite dim.

Well, no. You'll need it to be  hot for the oil to drain,  'cause it's thick.

Otherwise you get  big lumpy bits,  in your case, full of metal,

hanging around at the  bottom of your engine.

--HAMMOND: Oddly, James began   by doing housework.

The bonnet is eating my head.

HAMMOND:   So the good doctor came up   with an engineering solution.

Meanwhile, James had got going and got stuck.

I don't see how  I'm going to do that.

--HAMMOND: While Jeremy   had resorted to shouting.

Come on! Come on!

I sound like I'm in a porn film. (GROANING)

--HAMMOND: Their problem   was inaccessible spark plugs.

Not something   that was troubling me.

I'm actually dawdling!  (LAUGHING)

I don't want to win by too much!

Oh, I can't get at this one.  Oh, look, it's obscured  by this lead.

You've got mechanics' butt  cheek. Do you know that?

HAMMOND: After a brisk 50   minutes, Dr Clarkson had   finished changing his plugs.

Yes! All six.

--HAMMOND: And set about making  -- a mess of his oil change.

That went well.

--HAMMOND: Meanwhile,   James was being pedantic.

And I was hampered   by height issues.

The race to the finish was between me and the doctor.

Yes?

That's it.  Yeow!

(GRUNTING)

First to start their engine.

(ENGINE REVVING)

-We've got the times? One hour  13 minutes point two for you.  -Yeah.

13.25 for me. Half a second.

-I may have made a  bit of a mess, though.  -Meanwhile...

MAY: I'm quite happy  doing this,  if you'd like to sod off.

(LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: As we left   Chippenham, it became clear   that the pit stop hadn't

really done my Maserati much good.

(RATTLING NOISE)

That's a great sound.

CLARKSON:   Our next challenge was   in the town of Marlborough,

and all I had to   do was get there.

Look at all the dials here.   My oil temperature, minus 20.

Fuel, depends on what sort   of corner I'm going around.

Time, wrong. Battery, wrong.

Never mind. Could be worse.

This time, James had broken   down outside a school

at lunch time.

Way to go, James.

(CROWD CHEERING) It's broken!

This is humiliating.  (LAUGHING)

What has he done?

The best thing we can do to help James now is just go.

--CLARKSON: Eventually we   made it into Marlborough,

where the locals could sense   the tension of an upcoming   three-way duel.

Supercars are notoriously hard to see out of.

They also have very heavy   clutches and very heavy   steering.

So which would be the easiest   to park?

Right, we have to park our  supercars in this space,  against the clock.

And Hammond's first.  Are you ready? Go!

This space is not big  enough for this car.

Is he going to hit?

I'm about right!

-Hooray!  -That's a point off!  (LAUGHING)

Are you looking where you're  going or using the Force?

Yes!

Two points off!

That's it, I'm parked.

Parked, have you?

-That's perfect!  -I'll call a cab and then  he can get to the kerb.

MAY: Have a little walk down  the kerb to your car.

One minute, 38.7.

Go!

--MAY: Next, it was the   turn of the poorly Merak.

18 years I lived in London,

making this a piece of cake.

There you go. That's a touch!

That wasn't a touch.

Is it heavy, mate? Ooh!

(LAUGHING)

Hope the engine lasts  as long as this manoeuvre.

There. Finished.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

That is so neat.

One minute.  One minute exactly.

CLARKSON: Then it was James' turn. And because his Lambo was very long and very hard to

see out of, we waited for him   to fetch it and then helped   him out a little bit.

You evil man! That's  brilliant! That's genius.

About that much?

(LAUGHING)

Ready, James?  Three, two, one, go!

He's moving.

That's not a very good angle.

(CROWD GASPING)

Sorry.  (LAUGHING)

--CLARKSON: That kind of   set the tone, really.

Touch!  Kerb!

Touch!  It doesn't fit!

Another touch.  Two minutes 14, and he's  having another crack at it.

Another touch.

He's kerbed the wheel!  Another touch!

(LAUGHING)

Kerbed! Touch!

Oh, God! Kerbed!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MAY: Did I do that?  I'm really sorry.

Well, James,  three minutes, 20 seconds.

And carnage brought  to the town of Marlborough.

CLARKSON: So far, we've only   covered 50 miles and things   were going badly.

James had broken down more times than Sienna Miller,

and the tappety noise   in my Maserati was   getting louder.

How can it be so difficult  to drive from Bristol to  Slough?

MAY: Jeremy keeps banging on  about the tappets,

but that is something much, much more serious.

That's the whole bowels  of the engine disintegrating.

The one dial that was working  this morning, oil pressure,

now says nought.

What genuinely scares me at  the moment, is if the engine  stops,

I lose all braking.

I don't mean if it gets worse,  I mean, it goes completely.

CLARKSON: So would I make   it to the finishing point at   the lap-dancing bar?

60 miles to go.

I'm going for a gear change.

It's worked!

CLARKSON: But then...

(GRINDING NOISE)

I mean, I've lost brakes.

I've lost brakes.

(LAUGHING)

Just a small technical point.  Your engine didn't cut out.

-It disintegrated.  -James, could you not,  on my grief...

-It was like flying into a  cloud in a small aeroplane. -With bits of engine...

MAY: Bits of engine striking  the front of my car.

I think, gentlemen, I'm out.

HAMMOND: You're out. Yeah.

James, do you know what? Let's go, mate.

-Mine's still working.  -MAY: Yeah, all right.  I'll follow you, yeah?

Yeah. I'm running out of fuel

I can't carry extra weight.  Sorry.

(HONKING)

Jeremy has fallen  spectacularly.

There's no way James's Lambo  can make it.

It's mine! It's in the bag!

--HAMMOND: All I had to do was drive economically

because, of course, we   weren't allowed to refuel.

Don't overtake, you fool!

That's brilliant.  That's put my red light on.

HAMMOND: Nevertheless,   20 miles later,   we were still going.

I'm in the centre of Reading,  in a bright yellow Ferrari,

with no fuel in it, that could  conk out at any minute.

Right.

Please don't go here,  please don't go here,  please don't go here.

Traffic's building up.

Bad for Hammond's fuel consumption, bad for my  electrical supply.

--HAMMOND: Amazingly,   I made it through Reading,

but then it really was time   to clutch at straws.

I've discovered something.  When I turn right,

the needle moves  up off the stop.  So if I keep turning right...

I've got more petrol.

Come on, Hammond,  do the decent thing  and run out of petrol.

Come on, little Ferrari.

Be frugal. Just sip.

--MAY: Hammond's miracle-powered car was beginning to worry me

but then, just ten miles from our destination...

What was that?

MAY: That's Hammond out!

Would you like me to  keep a dancing girl  warm for you?

No, I'd like you  to give me a lift.

You know the rules, mate.  Sorry.

Can't believe it.

MAY: And so, with--Top Gear   presenters littering most of   southern England,

the Lamborghini soldiered on.

The car that had started the   day on the back of   a tow-truck,

the car that had taken so   much stick from Clarkson   and Hammond,

was the only one left running.

All I need is enough  electricity and enough petrol

to get to this Peppermint  Rhinoceros place.

Yes, I was just seven miles   from gentleman's club heaven.

It's smoking like hell.

Just keep going, car.  I'll let you come in with me.

But then,   just outside Slough.

--MAN 1: (ON RADIO)   BBC Radio Berkshire.

--WOMAN: (ON RADIO)   BBC Radio Berkshire.

MAN 2: (ON RADIO) And time for the latest on the roads now.

(HONKING)   There's some news coming in

of some huge   tailbacks on the A4,   just to the east of...

--MAY: And guess   what was causing it.

Yep, I was out as well.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

So...

So, in the end...

In the end, then,  your car broke down as well.

Yes, it did, and that  means, essentially,  in case you missed it,

none of our £10,000 supercars  could get us to a lap-dancing bar in Slough.

No, I must say, I was hoping  to end the evening in a rather  different sort of hedge,

but there we are.

I have to say, great respect.  Your engine explosion was  absolutely spectacular.

You're not joking. I actually  collected the pieces off  the road.

Look at this, okay?  These are bits of the  crank case

which blew a hole  in the side of the engine.

And look. That, my big end  ended up in a bucket.

-Oh! That's not what you want.  -It just showered your car,  didn't it?

I could hear it.  (IMITATES BANGING)

You're looking a bit smug,  but I don't think you ran  out of petrol, did you?

No, what actually happened  was a complete  and catastrophic failure

-of all the engine electrics.  All of them gone.  -(LAUGHING)

-Yup. So, therefore this is...  -This is useless. As useless  as our cars, in fact.

Absolutely. But no matter.  We did end up with  a Top Gear--top tip, okay?

Yes, you can buy a supercar  for less than £10,000

-but for the love  of God, don't.  -(LAUGHING)

And that's all we've really  got time...  Oh, no, wait a minute.

No. Next week, okay?  Next week, we've got this.

(LAUGHING)

That isn't so much a throttle  that my right foot's on,  it's a hyperspace button.

World's going backwards!

I've been in some quick stuff  in my time but nothing...

Nothing like this.

That is the fastest car in the world

and it's in, what, it's the  biggest-ever race we've  ever done, across Europe.

You've got to watch it. See you then. Goodnight.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)