Top Gear (2002–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - Episode #7.3 - full transcript

The boys are having a road trip to the famous Milau Viaduct bridge in France in supercars of their choice (Jeremy in his own Ford GT, Richard a Pagani Zonda and James in a Ferrari F430 Spyder). In the news segment, the boys announce their Emmy win for Best Non-scripted Entertainment category. Jeremy reviews the Ford Focus ST.

--CLARKSON: Tonight, the chavtastic new Ford Focus.

The transport minister is in   our reasonably-priced car.

And Richard Hammond and I   have a fight.

Hello,  and welcome to the show.

Tonight we're talking mostly  about supercars.

You see, a lot of people  say they're too big,  too wasteful,

you can't use the speed  in modern day traffic, blah, blah, blah...

So, to try and explain  the point of the supercar,

we thought we'd take one  to that huge new bridge  in southern France.

Trouble is,

we couldn't work out  which one to take.

Plainly, the Pagani Zonda is the obvious choice.

It's everything  a supercar should be,

pantomime, panache, power.

-Utter nonsense.  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

This is the best supercar,  the Ferrari F430.

There's no excess, there's no E numbers, there's no added sugar.

It is just exquisite.

I agree with everything James and Richard said.

My respect for the Ferrari  is boundless

and I adore the Zonda.

But, for me, the best supercar  is the Ford GT.

I like it so much, I actually  bought this one twice.

You bought it twice because it kept breaking down and you sent it back.



Problem is we couldn't agree  which one to take  to the bridge.

So, guess what we did?

--CLARKSON: Yep,   we took all three.

And we began on the sweeping   N roads of northern France.

This really is   supercar country.

Oh, the power is just immense!

I've got a 5.4 litre V8,

which has a super charger   to force the fuel   into the cylinders.

You can actually see the belt whirring away,

just here over my shoulder,

in the rear-view mirror.

Not that you're going   to be looking in your   rear-view mirror very much

because this thing churns out   550 brake horsepower.

And that's a lot.

No, it isn't.

You see,  the Zonda has a 7.3 litre  Mercedes V12 engine

that makes 555 brake  horsepower.

And this car is  a third of a ton lighter  than Jeremy's Ford.

So the critical figures are these.

Power to weight ratio.

Jeremy's Ford manages  350 brake horsepower per ton.

This 440 brake horsepower  per ton.

That is a huge difference.

--HAMMOND: Jeremy's GT, then,   is weak American coffee

whereas my Zonda   is the full double espresso.

CLARKSON: I bet you any money,

Hamster is sitting in  that silly orange Zonda now

banging on about power to weight ratios.

The fact of the matter is,

that car has the aerodynamic  properties of Elton John  in those spectacles.

So its top speed's only 210.

This does 212  and that's more.

MAY: Let's get a bit of  a sense of perspective here.

This car does 196mph

and that's not exactly slow.

Just a bit slower than them,  that's all.

--MAY: And anyway, this isn't   a mobile West End musical,

all huge and preposterous   and difficult to move about.

'The Ferrari   is light on its feet.

It's more like   a tight four-piece band.

And would you just listen to the noise it makes?

Here we go.


Oh, I could do that all day!

The Ferrari does sound good.

But not as good as this.  I mean, come on!


It's fantastic. (CHUCKLES)

(SOFTLY) This is the Ford's party piece.

I'm driving along now at  some miles an hour

and I don't really need to raise my voice to talk to you.

That means you can drive  the Ford long distances  without getting tired

and it also means that you can go through

sleepy little French villages  without ruining  everyone's day.

I love the Zonda because it's so crazy.

Going through town  in this thing...

Argh! Big lorry.

If the paint was  any thicker on this,  he would have hit me.

Where's James gone?

--HAMMOND: To give James   a chance to catch up,

Jeremy and I pulled over   for an argument.

-0-60, what's yours?  -3.8.

3.7, which is faster.

CLARKSON: Yeah, once.  But, I tell you what.

If we raced five times  you'd be in a cloud of smoke,  your clutch would've gone.

How much time have you  spent in petrol stations  on the way here?

Look, the fact  of the matter is, Richard,

I prefer to spend  my money on petrol  than on teeth whitening.

(LAUGHS) I have not had my teeth whitened.


I absolutely have not.

Look, ultimately,  your car is still,

and always will be  (GRUNTS) a Ford.

When did you last see  Captain Slow?

Getting off the ferry.

CLARKSON: Oh, no,  he's here, look.

He's here. He's here.

He's here, we can go.  Come on, we've got  to get to Paris.


We're off.

You're kidding!

CLARKSON: Our £600,000 convoy of exotic materials blasted south.

And on the motorway   the Ford and the Zonda   were in a class of their own.


Nothing else gives you  a kick in the back like it.


Every time I do this...


...there's a little baby blue  speck in my rear-view mirror

as James' Ferrari goes backwards.

CLARKSON: Mind you,   the Ferrari was   still quick enough

to cause James his own little problem.

--(HAMMOND ON PHONE)   Hey, Jeremy.

Have you seen James' hair   in that car?

Oh, bloody hell!

Never has anyone  looked more out of place.

"Oh, I'm in a supercar.  Oh, I'm in a supercar. Golly."

CLARKSON: But then   it was my turn   to take the ridicule.

--(HAMMOND ON PHONE)   Jeremy, how are you for fuel?

CLARKSON: Oh, fine-ish.

HAMMOND: Look, a petrol station,

the natural home territory  of the Ford GT.

And there it is,  at the watering hole,

drinking its fill  for the 47th time today.

This probably isn't entirely  typical of the sort of lunch

your average Zonda owner  sits down to.

-I bought him a present.  -What is it?

-(MUFFLED) Oh, yes! Perfect.  -It's a baseball cap, James.

Keep your hair in check.

Just have it at a jaunty angle  like a school cap.

CLARKSON: As the sun   began to go down   we approached Paris.

What a glorious evening!

The perfect end  to a really very perfect day.



Bloody French!

CLARKSON: The worst car in the world to try and drive through Paris

is a supercar.

It is like driving a post-box.

See I've got a truck here now  and I only know that  'cause I can hear it.

-(TOOTS) -Eek! Don't scratch it.

Yeah, shove in!

Argh! Ooh.

I hope we don't have to go  round the Arc De Triomphe.


God, that was close.


It's just the sound of horns.



Oh, God! Excuse...

-(CAR HONKING) -Sorry.

I know it's a supercar,

it doesn't have  vertical takeoff!


CLARKSON: Eventually   we made it onto   the Champs Elysees.

Where we were joined by a man   on a motorcycle.


But even he failed to out-pose the--rosbifs.

We caused such a stir,

that the police arrived   to control the crowd.

And make sure no-one set fire to us.

This, then, seemed like a good time

to sit down and decide   which one of our cars   looked the best.

The Argentinean playboy,

the Italian count,

or the sheet-metal worker   from Detroit.

Do you know what the problem  here is with your car?

It's not pretty enough.

I was watching you coming down  the Champs Elysees.

It just isn't pretty enough.

And the back of it  is a bit too tall  and a bit too fiddly.

I mean, it's not an ugly car.

It's a supercar,  it means you can do  any shape you like.

You can draw  anything you like.

HAMMOND: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

CLARKSON: Why not draw  something beautiful?

No, this is all rubbish.

What you're talking about is hot rods, comedy cars,  all that sort of stuff.

Mine is a supercar  because it's modern,  technology is modern,

the styling is  modern contemporary,

and it works in a modern  and contemporary way.

It's conservative.

It's not conservative.

-HAMMOND: It is.  -Your car is conservative.

It's got two white stripes  over the top!

-(LAUGHS)  -MAY: But it's 40 years old.

Okay, then. We've just driven through Paris.


Not the happiest motoring experience of my life.

-No.  -(CHUCKLES) Never.

CLARKSON: The pizza  delivery boys, the people  who can speak to you,

every one of them was with the Ford, "Ah, c'est magnifique!"

Every single one was making a beeline for the Ford.


The Zonda pulled up  and it was covered in people.

I had an attractive lady  go "Mwah!" at me

and that's all,  that's the end of it  as far as I am concerned.

-(CLEARS THROAT)  -That was you, James.  That was you.

I'm desperately trying  to stall you

because you've found  my Ferrari key  and it's not a nice item.

(HAMMOND LAUGHING)  Look at that!

I'll show you mine.



It's just an old Mondeo key!

When you draw into town in a supercar

you should make everyone's day.

Now, if that's just because they have a laugh,

supercars should have  a sense of humour.

They're bonkers,  that's the point.

CLARKSON: He's right.  It's true. It's true.

Upstart supercars are like that.

That's the problem Lamborghini always had.

They just came in late and they said,

"Look at me, I'm green  and my doors open like that."

I sort of get the way the Zonda looks. I do.

-I just couldn't drive it.  -(LAUGHS)

I couldn't either.

It's okay for him  cos he can just hunker down,

and just be down here  with his new expensive teeth.

I have not had my teeth done!

You've had  your teeth whitened.

-I've not!  -You've had them...

--CLARKSON: So we concluded that all our cars looked the best

and then we went to bed.

CLARKSON: He's had   his teeth whitened,   but he's down there.

Right, we'll pick that up  later on...

-But now it's time...  -Can I just point out  seriously,

I have not had  my teeth whitened.


Yes, he has.

-I haven't!  -CLARKSON: He has.

-He has, hasn't he?  -WOMAN: Yes. Yes.

He has.

-I just...  -CLARKSON:  I mean, look at them!

-Nobody's teeth just go white.  -I'm getting conscious now.

-I have not. -(ALL LAUGHING)

Let's just get on with the news, can we?

Because, I'm not joking, we have the most important piece of news

ever to reveal to the Top Gear--audience.


Top Gear,--this pokey --motoring show on BBC2,

this week won...

-I've got it here.  -(CHUCKLING)

In New York...

-An Emmy!  -HAMMOND: We did.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)  -We won an Emmy!

Here it is.


Check it out.

HAMMOND: Can I touch it?

CLARKSON: That is an Emmy.  HAMMOND: Yeah.

What this is for, okay,

--it's for the best   Non-Scripted Entertainment

show that wasn't  made in America.

-Yes, indeed!  -That's us.


Why didn't you  go to the ceremony  to pick that up?

Well, 'cause I was  writing the script  for this week's show.

-(CHUCKLES) Yeah. -Yeah.

Thing is though,  when The Office,

you remember that  Sitcom series thing?

When that won some  Golden Globes recently...

MAY: Yeah.

...the whole of the BBC  ground to a halt

whilst everyone  said congratulations.

They were showered  with like, gifts and gold  and diamonds...

They were.  The Director General  of the BBC

spent a week  rubbing warm pig fat  into Ricky Gervais.

HAMMOND: Yes, he did.

MAY: He did.  CLARKSON: He did.

So, how many chocolate covered  lap dancers do you think  have been sent to us?

How many do you reckon?

-Not a damn thing.  -Nothing.

And if you think  that's outrageous

then please write to us,  as of Monday to Top Gear,  Channel Four Television...


...124 Horseferry Road, London SW1.

Remember, last year,  we had a look at a car that

Mercedes was going  to base on a fish?

-Oh, yes.  -The bionic car.

Here's a picture of it. Look, that's the fish.

MAY: That's the fish, yes.

HAMMOND:  That's the base of the car...

The car looks like this.  The bionic car...

-(ALL LAUGHING)  -MAY: It's still the fish.

Well, yes, that's been  designed in a wind tunnel  to be like a fish.

In a wind tunnel?

You can't design something  to look like a fish  in a wind tunnel.

Yes, you can.  And they did.

And they built it  and they've run it.

It's been out on  an industrial estate in Surrey

where it's done  10 miles an hour.

What's the point of it?

Well, it's got a sheep  wee-wee system in it

that goes into the exhaust  and cleans up the emissions.

But what is  the point of a car...

If I'm gonna buy a car  that looks like that,

I want the salesman to say,

"The reason you're driving  a car that looks like this  is because it's..."

Does something.

It did a lap of  the industrial estate  in three minutes 32 seconds.

-Was it a big lap?  -0.6 miles.

HAMMOND: That's not very quick.

Would anybody here  buy that car?


But wait, no, no, no.

-Can I get back to you? -Yes.

You don't like the  Lamborghini Gallardo, do you?

I like it, I just think  it's a bit Audi-ish

because Audi own Lambo now and it's just a bit...

So, you'll say,  it's a bit dull.

-CLARKSON: A bit TT-ish.  -Bit dull. I've heard you  say that. Right.

Well, I defy you to tell me that

this Lamborghini Gallardo  is boring.

It's the Spider version.

And it is... I think  that looks absolutely...  Yeah, exactly.

Tell me that's a boring car.

I want to know everything about that.

Well, I can tell you  It's got 520 brake horsepower,

a 10 cylinder engine...

Ooh.'s 0-60 in 4.3 seconds,  top speed 195mph.

It's not exactly slow,  costs 12% more  than the hardtop, £131,000.

And think that' absolutely...

That is a stunning  looking car.

I mean, that is one  of the best looking cars  I've ever seen.

I really want one of those.

Right, the bionic  (BLEEP) fish car...


This better be good.  This better be good.

It's got a 1.8 litre,  extremely efficient  diesel engine with...

Everybody's got  a diesel engine.

No, because this one's got  sheep urine in it

and that means  that the emissions  are reduced by up to 80%

and yet strength  and crash safety of the  bionic shell is unaffected.

So it's no safer,  is what they're saying,  than a normal car.

It's a diesel car, you just... I'm sorry.

-And it looks like that.  -And it looks like that.

Take it away. I never want to see it again in my life. Ever.

And now we must  move it along, er,

because I want to talk to you  about some of the best looking  cars on sale today.

CLARKSON: Look at them,

so cool and clean   they could be fuelled   with frappuccino.

This is a grey and silver   Powerbook world of   discreet sculpture,

subtle Art Deco light fittings

and cascading   brushed aluminium.

Very nice. Really.

But Ford has now decided  that what we all need  is livening up a bit.

This is what   they've come up with

the Focus ST   and you know what?

It's the perfect car   for modern Britain.

I mean, come on,  we're not really a nation

of zinc kitchen surfaces and brushed aluminium.

We're more a nation of... Wetherspoons and heat--magazine

and Chlamydia.

So it's right that it has  a lotto-lab body kit.

It's right that it's as orange  as an air hostess.

Ford even say  that this interior

with its red turbo motif  was designed to look  like a training shoe.

And that's right, too.


Now, this gives us a problem  'cause normally  when we film Top Gear,

the camera man  uses filters like this...

Okay, there's a blue one.  There, okay?

And I've got another one here  which is a graduated grey.

Now filters like this, okay,

make cars like that  look cool, crisp and modern.

For the Ford, however, I think we're going to have to use this one.

We call it the,  um, the Westbrook.


--CLARKSON: Even in terms of practicality,

this car is thoroughly modern   and thoroughly British.

I mean, if it's stolen,

Plod won't need   an infra-red night vision   camera to find it again.

And look, that boot   is easily big enough   for a Coleen shopping trip.

CLARKSON: I do think they have  the name wrong, though.

They've called it  the Focus ST,

which in the language  of the ladies lavatory  stands for...

(WHISPERING) Sanitary towel.

What they should have done  was call it the ASBO!

Whatever.   It's time to get behind   the Stella Artois styling

and find out   what this cars like to drive.

Under the bonnet,  there's a 2.5 litre  turbocharged Volvo engine

and the torque it chucks out  is immense.

Any gear, any revs,  any prod on the throttle

and you get a deep bellow

and a very, very  satisfying surge.


It is a mother of violence.

The power's not bad either.

0-60 takes  six-and-half seconds

and flat out you'd be going at 150.

CLARKSON: At this point,   some of you   are going to think,

"Oh, dear, that means   it's not as fast as   the new Vauxhall Astra VXR."

That's true enough, but the Vauxhall has too much power.

It torque steers  like an absolute pig.

And it's £1,500  more expensive than this.

So if given a Vauxhall,  I'd love it, I really would,  and I'd defend it to the hilt.

But would I buy one  with money?


The ASBO is a much better car.

It's much more comfortable,   and it's manageable   when you wanna have fun.


There is immense grip  from the front end

and because it has the same control blade rear suspension

as you have in the old Focus,

you get loads of lovely  lift-off over steer as well.


And flick!


It's a brilliant handling car.

I mean,  it's absolutely brilliant.

Oh! You can take the car out of Essex...


It's a nice place  to sit, as well,

especially when you bear in  mind that I am actually inside  one of So Solid Crew's shoes.

The seats are especially fab.

Comfortable and supportive.

CLARKSON: It's not even   what you'd call   a binge drinker.

It'll be as cheap to run   as it is to buy.

This model's only £17,500.


Well, all I can say is  I have a Y reg Focus at home

and it has never  gone wrong once.

Most dependable car  I've ever owned.

This one is a bit more complicated.

It's got adjustable steering  to make it heavy  or light or normal.

To be honest, that's just something to go wrong.

But at least   he should be safe.

The ASBO has an NCAP   five star rating

and is good for   pedestrians, as well.

I mean, it's not like  we gonna step into  the road and say,

"I never saw it coming!"


So it really does seem to have  all the bases covered.

It's cheap, it's safe, it's comfortable, it's practical,

and it is truly amazing to drive.

And the best thing?

It's also available in blue.


Even though,  the track was soaking wet,

this thing has so much grip  it was kicking up a back wheel  in the corners.

-That is amazing.  -That is incredible, agreed.

But didn't Ford say  they were going to make  an RS version of the Focus

with like even more...

Oh, yeah, no, they did.

They said it was going to have  300 horse brake power,

it was going to be  four wheel drive,

Adidas stripes  down the side, yeah!

-So what happened to that?  -They couldn't be bothered.

What they're actually doing is that.

Oh, yes. This is the Iosis.

It's a Ford concept car  and I know it looks  a bit like a Coupe

but it is in fact, a four seat, four door family saloon.

And the important thing is that this, in essence, is the new Ford Mondeo.

Wow! So the Mondeo  is going to have  gull-wing doors?

Except it won't have  gull-wing doors.

And neoprene seats!

Actually they're not  doing the neoprene seats.

Is it going to have cameras  instead of wing mirrors?

Sadly, they're not  going to do cameras  instead of wing mirrors.

Will it be able to drive  on the ceiling

like the ST Focus did  in that film we just saw?

-No. -Right.

Forget all the gadgetry  stuff and all the flim-flam.

The important thing is this is the next Mondeo will look like.

I think it looks fantastic.

It does. It looks like  an Aston Martin.

Thing is though,  that's then and this is now

and it's time to put our team racing driver

in the Focus ST.

Some say that his politics  are terrifying,

and that he once punched a horse to the ground.


All we know is that  he's called The Stig.

--CLARKSON: It's very foggy   out there today,

but you'll notice The Stig doesn't have his rear fog lights on,

'cause, of course he's not a blithering idiot.

Oh, here he is with   his Baroque Classics.

Oh, heavens,   why is he not coming up?

---(TYRES SQUEALING)   -Is he coming up?

Hang on, another tyre   squeal round, what I think   is the first corner there.

Right, that's Chicago.   I recognise that.

He's coming through.

Stig, of course doesn't need   to see where he's going.

He's more machine than man.

He just sees in numbers.   Oh, no, wait, he doesn't!

There, he did need to see   where he was going.

Now he's down off   to the Hammer Head.

Will he remember to brake? Yes, he has.

-Well done, Stig.  ---(TYRES SQUEALING)

Quite greasy out there,   must be said in the fog.

Nice though.   Well done, Stiggy!

Now belting up to the follow through.

Where's he gone?   Now, let's listen.

It didn't sound like   he lifted there.   Hard to say for sure.

Coming up now,   through the tyre wall,   that looks quick.

He's a very brave Stig today.

Turning in to what I think   is the second-last corner.

And coming up to Gambon.

Bit of over steer going in there.

And across the line.

I've no idea  which line that was,

but I've got the time here, one minute 34.9.

Er, now you've got  to remember,

that's quite a long way down,  but the thing is,  that was a greasy track.

On a dry track, I am absolutely certain

this would be quicker than an Astra VXR and a Golf GTI.

It's a very good car.

Right, now we got to move on,

because we're having a bit of a break from the norm tonight.

Because we're going to put a member of Parliament

in our reasonably-priced car.

He is the Minister for Transport,

which means he is the minister  for speed cameras.


Oh, no, no.

This is the BBC.  We will treat him with  respect and impartiality.

So please welcome,  Beelzebub himself,  Dr Stephen Ladyman!


How are you?

-(SECTIONS OF AUDIENCE BOO)  -No, we won't have that!

At least no one  shoved the custard pie  in your face yet,

which is what really happens to me.

You are a brave soul, I have to say.

You are Top Gear--audience. How many speeding tickets have you got?

-Nine points, I'm afraid.  -Nine points.

How many points  has your wife got?


Well, you've not shovelled them onto her licence?

I haven't.


"Sorry, darling,  you've been caught  speeding again."

I suggested it, but...


Right. And you drive?

An Alfa Romeo 156.

You see? The man drives an Alfa and he drives it fast!

What did the Cabinet say  when you told them  you were coming here?

They don't actually know.  Alistair knows.

You see, they will know...

The rest of them will be behind their sofas now

with their hands  over their ears.

Okay, so let's start  with a simple one.

What's the stopping distance  from 70mph?



Can I phone a friend?

No. You're on your own.  Used all your lifelines.

Highway Code says it's 315 feet.

I'm sure the Highway code  is right.

It's wrong.

-An Aston Martin  will pull up in half that.  -Right.

So why can't Astons  go twice the speed limit?

-It's a thought.  -(CHUCKLES)

It's a thought.

Thinking distance  won't be any different there

when they're driven by  the same people.

Aston Martin drivers  are sharp!

They're on it,  they're mostly footballers,

and bang,  they're there, like that.

Footballer on last week seems to have wrecked one or two of them.

Yes, he's right.,  every single car we've got.

And I can sustain this  no longer.

Speed cameras.

We need to talk speed cameras.

Could you prove to me  they save lives?

Yes. Every study  that's ever been done  anywhere in the world

has shown that they work.

No, that's not proof. That's just you making a noise.

Prove... Prove to me that they have saved a life.

Well, the statistics  that we've gathered together

over the first three years  of the Safety Partnership

show that they're saving hundreds of lives in this country alone.

But you've looked at the figures presumably,

from say when the speed limit  was introduced,

the motorway ones, say around '65.

It fell every single year  until '92?


When speed cameras  were introduced,

then it levelled out.

But we've also done  three studies already

and we're just waiting for  the results of a fourth one

which compares  the accident rates

on the sites where  the cameras are now placed

before and after cameras.

So we know they're working.

If you have one accident,  It suddenly goes up to four

and you put  a speed camera there.

It goes back to one...

There has to be four  at every particular site  before you get a speed camera.

-Okay, let's take the M4  as a prime example.  -Yes.

-Do you know  what one of the four was?  -I don't.

Somebody jumped off  a bridge.


I'm not joking.  That was what one of them was.

The police said only one of them was down to speed,

and yet they put  speed cameras there.

As well as having four people  involved in injuries

which either killed them  or seriously injured them.

But also has to be  systematic evidence  of speeding at those sites.

So why do you  have chief constables  in Northumbria and Durham

saying that speed cameras  don't save lives?

Well, that's  not what they say.

They believe that they  can achieve in their areas

similar results by other means.

And one of the things  we've been saying to them

and part of the policy  is that they have  to have ruled out

every other opportunity to make that site safer

before they can put a camera there.

Okay, well, let's work  on this basis then

if you've got what,  28 million cars,  vehicles on the road now,

don't you accept  it is inevitable  that some of them

occasionally are going  to crash into each other?

Absolutely. There's no  question about that.

-And we're at 3,500 deaths a year now.  -Yeah.

And have been, give or take,  for what, ten years.

It's been coming down steadily  over the last few years.

It's around between 3,200  and 3,500.

It's about 3,200 at the moment.

Now, but it's been hovering around the same mark.

We can juggle around  with the odd ten...

It hasn't been hovering around the same mark...

Who does  your statistics for you?  That's just not true.

-So, I give you the figures?  -You can give me the figures.

'92, we got down to 3,800.

3,600, 3,600, 3,500,  3,500, 3,400, 3,400

-3,400, 3,400, 3,400,  3,500, 3,200.  -Yeah.

So I'm saying...

It's gone up once in 10 years  for one year.

It went up the year  before that, as well.

And the year before that.

But that whole period  that you read out,  it's on the way down.

-It isn't! -It is!

You just read out the figures!

All right,  I'll be more specific.


This is with speed cameras.

The next year is 3,423.

That's a jump of two...


In the following year,  it went down by 17,  then it went up by 40...

I'm sure you obey  the speed limit, anyway,

so what's your objection  to speed cameras?

My objection to speed cameras?

We paint them yellow, we put them where you can see them,

we put a big sign up  to tell you where  they come in

and we even print a list  of them on the internet.

if you're still  getting caught,  who's fault is that?




You're the one  with nine points.

-Well, I've been...  -I haven't got any.


It's just...

This is my thing  with speed cameras.

If you want somebody  to slow down,

say, it's a cliche, outside a school, okay?

You put it outside a school,

you paint it pink, give it big yellow flowers, big neon speed camera.

Nobody will speed past it.

You will therefore  physically stop speeding.

That's a good thing.  Isn't that what you want?

Yes, and that's what we do?

So, why have you just said no  to 500 more speed cameras.

Because, I think  one of the things  we got to do

is win back motorist's  confidence in them.

You're displaying,  you know, the sentiments  of many motorists out there.

Now, I think that  when we produce  the four-year report,

we can strike a deal  with the motorist

where we can demonstrate  that we're not after  your money,

we're just trying to make dangerous places safer.

And in return,  the motorist will respect  the speed limits better.

I don't think for a moment you're after our money.

Oh, well.

Oh, they're laughing.  Obviously, we looked into it.

The profit I think from  speeding fines last year

-was £21 millions  only in profit.  -Yes.

Simon Cowell pays  more than that  in income tax every year.


So you're getting more  from Simon Cowell

than you are  from speed cameras.

-They're not actually...  -They're not making money.

-No, you're right.  -You're not making any money.

All they're doing is (BLEEP) us off!

Well, that's why we've delayed  the programme this year,

whilst we gather  the evidence we need

to show you that  they really do work,

so that you won't  be (BLEEP) off in future.

Okay, can you do something about people who crash into  my front garden?

Uh, I'll talk to your local camera partnership.

-No, no, no, not a camera!  -I feel a camera coming!


-Anyway, your lap. -Yeah.

Your lap is critical.

Your practice kind of didn't go well.

It didn't.

Shall we have a look  at Steven's lap here?  Okay, let's. Here, we go.

This is one of  the practice laps.

Coming up now, we're coming up to the follow through.

80 miles an hour,  we saw on the speedo there  and you've lifted.


Oh, there he is!  The Road Safety Minister!

And he's gone backwards!  And he's crashed!


You've wounded our car!


Even Ian Wright  didn't wound it that much!

Poor little Suzuki.

So, what was  the lap like, then, fun?

It was great fun.  Stig's a fabulous teacher.  He really is good.

Okay, well,  I'll tell you what?  Here we go.

Let's have a look  at his lap, okay?

Starting now.


--CLARKSON: That's a good start. Was it wet out there or dry?

LADYMAN: Eh, it was dry.

CLARKSON: It was dry.   That's a determined   looking face.

I was going to make   a political thing there,   but I won't.

That's... You've gone left there.

That's very slippery.   That is very tidy   through the first corner.

-That's the Jodie Kidd  school of driving.  -(LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: Ooh, your teeth! You obviously weren't enamoured about that.



I tell you that, the gear box  is not good on that road.

No, it's... The reason about   that is that poor car

has only ever been on that   track since it was built.

That's all it's ever done.

Again, I've got to say,   that is perfect.

You listened to The Stig.

Will you make it this time?

Yes! It didn't even lift! And the teeth are back!


You're going to have to have a word when the follow-through's this quick...

That's looking good.   Speed's fun, isn't it?

It's fabulous, yeah.

There's nothing you   can run into.

Well, there's that jumbo apart from the other that will make the news!

And there we are coming   up to the last corner.   It's gamblin'.

And that's tidy, as well!

I've gotta say  that's not bad rap.

Crossed the line, everybody.


Now where do you think  you've come on our...

I think more Terry Wogan  than Simon Cowell  and Jimmy Carr.

You're much higher up than Wogan.

What? As high up as  Harry Enfield, you mean?

No, you're higher  than Enfield. You're right.

-Higher than halfway.  -Really?

You did it in one minute  48.8 seconds.


-(APPLAUSE)  -Ladies and Gentlemen,  he's way up here.

I mean, that's...

Where are you?  That's Rob Brydon,  Neil Morrissey...

-You're quicker than  Roger Daltrey.  -Yeah.

That is an astonishing thing.

-And you're the  Minister of Road Safety.  -I know.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)  -There is one thing.  You owe me 60 quid.


You do, I'm sorry.  You owe me 60 quid. Look.


Seriously, did you not?

Here you come. Here he comes, look. Here he comes.

He goes. Watch. Watch.

I want to see one of those  front facing cameras to prove  that was me in the car.

It was you in the car.  You just didn't see  the speed camera.

-Now you know how we feel!  -(ALL LAUGHING)

I will be sending the bill. But in the mean time...

Ladies and Gentlemen,  Stephen Ladyman.

Thank you very much.  That's very brave.

Hey, now...

Wait, because it is, for the  first time this series,  time for the Cool Wall!


Oh, yes. And we start with...  Well, I think quite  an easy one, actually.

It's the new Aston Martin, the AMV8, the baby Aston Martin.

Easiest one we've ever done,  is it not?

Yes, it is uncool.  It's a baby Aston Martin.

It is... It's an Aston...


Now think about... Hang on.

When was the last time  somebody dropped something

very heavy on  one of your feet?

Surprisingly, not that  long ago!

-No...  -Don't be ridiculous, man.

It is. Because if you  want the Aston Martin

you buy DB9, a full size one  not a baby one.

It's a freezing cold car.

By your own rules,  you big oaf!

Footballer's car. It's a foot...

No footballer will  buy this car.

No, they won't.  They're like jackdaws.  They only like shiny things.

Ooh, I'll have that ring  and I'll have that...

They will have the Vanquish,  they will not have this.

It's going in the special DB9  super cool fridge

-and that's the end of it.  -Absolute...


You will all regret that!

Listen, I'll do you  a deal, mate.

As soon as a  premiership footballer...

We even get a whiff  that one has bought  one of those things,

I'll bring it down the board.  But, until then, no way.

-So if a footballer buys it,  I can set fire to the picture?  -Yes!

-All right...  -Listen, footballers  of the world,

-do not buy a baby  Aston, okay?  -I'm saving up...

I'll buy you one!

Ooh, hey, now, Vauxhall Astra.

VXR. What are we thinking?

-Cool.  -(LAUGHING) Come on!

-Again...  -It is cool.

Any car that if you're at a party and somebody says, "What have you got?"

And an Astra and  then you have to explain,

"No, it's a VXR,  it's got 240 brake horsepower,  that's special..."

-That's uncool.  -Listen. Listen, listen.

You won't be at a party in one  of these because,

you'll have stalks steered  into the tree on the way.


You'll be killed.  And that's important.

To die on an anecdote  is important.

Dying at the age 78 with  a tube up your nose,

how are your children gonna die now on that?

"Daddy died in a fireball in  a Vauxhall and a tree,"  is spot on!

And I'll tell you another  thing, as well.

You say someone  you've got an Vauxhall Astra.

Okay. "Ooh...  He's an accountant.  I've got a VXR."

"I'm an accountant  for the SAS."

That is a cool car.  Promising.

Mercedes SLK55.

HAMMOND: Oh, dear.

-MAN: Uncool.  -Thank you! I'm with him.

Who said that? Who said that?

It's a fantastic car.

-But you own one,  so it's uncool.  -HAMMOND: Ah-ha. Yes!

And there,  you've hit upon the nail.

As it were, because... Your own rules.

-I say, if we buy a car  then it becomes uncool, okay.  -Obviously.

Gets worse with this. Jamie Oliver's got one.


That's the tum and the tongue  have both hit this car.

-Even if had been any good,  which it isn't, it's ruined.  -What?

-It's ruined. It's awful  -What? You know Sophia  in the office?

May have noticed her.

-She's not  entirely unattractive.  -She likes that.

-Tiffany Dell, he likes that.  -Okay, but...

-But that still cannot...  -Do you like it?

(SOFTLY) Say yes.

-It's quite sexy. -It's quite...

-It's not...  -It's more than sexy.

-It's very, very sexy.  -Listen, listen.  You have got that...

That point badly wrong.

What you're looking at is  a man in a car,  who's gonna say,

"Look, the little nose has  been designed to look like  a Formula One car!"

Talking of Formula One...  Have you... No, you never  watch Formula One.

When the safety car goes out  which is one of those,

you can hear it  over the sound  of the F1 engine.

Well, who are you  gonna impress with,

"Did you know you can hear  my car over the so...

"Sound of the  Formula One car."

It's pathetic! It's covered in stupid little scoops and spikes.

Aye, I'll tell you something  else. When you're going  along in this...

-Mmm-hmm.  -You know this winking  thing you've got

about people winking  if they recognise  something special,

and all the powers  hidden in it.

Everybody winks at you.  Men who know cars,  they look at that and go,

"That's a 55," and wink.

You said it yourself.  Men wink at you  when you drive that!

Oh, come on! Clearly.

I know grooming's important  when you're a homosexual...

I'm not gay!

And I haven't had  my teeth whitened.

You would get that man  winking thing in.

Now, you're just  getting personal

I'm not backing down  on this one.


We had it in programme  one of the series.  That is a seriously cool car.

It's a...

-(CLEARS THROAT) It's a...  It's a BMW...  -Ah-ha!

It's an M powered. M powered BMs are cool.

-Really?  -Yes.

Look at the size  of the wheels

and its stupid  parrot-fish face.  (VOCALISING)

If I see somebody  in one of those,  it is big respect cos I think,

"You have sacrificed your style, everything,

"got a BMW just so you  can have a 507 brake  horsepower car."

No. Okay.  Try this on for size.

The gearbox has 11 settings!

How is that gonna be honoured?

"Darling, let's go along  the south coast

"and to Monte Carlo  and have dinner.

"I'll just set up the gearbox  for driving in France."

-You won't be doing that!  You won't do that!  -Yes, you will.

You'll buy it, set it to 500  maximum horsepower,  set the gearbox

at its most ferocious setting,  tape it all down and drive it.

-I promise you...  -And then you spend the rest  of your life screaming

-while the girl next to you wets herself. -It is super cool.

You cannot have... You can't have a BMW...

CLARKSON:  Give it back! Give it back!

He's eating!

Give it back!

He's eaten the bloody thing!

He's eaten it!


Difference is I have to work  with those two.

Anyway, earlier you saw us  on our way to the  southwest of France,

to have a look at a lovely big bridge and in three supercars.

The Ford GT, the Pagani Zonda  and the Ferrari F430.

Look what he's done. He's eaten it.

Hamster's eaten the picture.  The hamster's eaten it.

-Hamsters eat cardboard.  -Yeah, they do.

Anyway this film is a kind  of road movie, with arguing.

And, we're picking up  the action now in an  underground car park in Paris.

-MAY: No backache.  -Where's your boot?

CLARKSON: As you can see,   we're not exactly   travelling heavy,

but even our tiny suitcases   were way too ambitious!

Is that it?

-They're saddlebags!  -HAMMOND: There's two of them!

I've worked out a system.  Okay, what I do is...


Now, that's elegant  and sophisticated. I like it.

-What about yours, then?  -There you are. See. Look!

Actually, that's not bad,  is it?

Not bad at all.  You just pop your bag  in there with that.

-Yes.  -And there, you're away.

Hang on. There's a problem here, because look...

This dips in here.  You couldn't put  anything in that.

That boot is there purely  to accommodate the boot lid.

CLARKSON: So I put my bag   in the Ferrari with James's   and we set off.

And straight into   a serious problem.

The exit to the car park   was different to the entrance

and, boy, was it tight!

This is just impossible.

Can't carry their  own briefcases,  can't get out the car park!


Richard, you are so close  to that...

Er... Let me out, please!


HAMMOND : I was in trouble.

My clutch was billowing smoke   and the handbrake   wouldn't work.

Don't get too close!  The handbrake doesn't hold it!

But worse was to come.


We're not going to get out there, are we?

Not only was the car   stuck in the doorway,   but I was stuck in the car,

unable to open the door.

This is slightly  embarrassing now.

A lot of people looking.

HAMMOND: Jeremy, meanwhile,   was finding it hard   to come and help.

That's dignified.

And James   couldn't be bothered.

At least we're not making  a spectacle.  That would be embarrassing.


What's the problem?


If you're thinking  about buying a supercar,  my suggestion is,

yes, just don't go  near a built-up area with it.

Paris! Supercars!  Glamour!



Getting his car out of here is academic, frankly,

because I don't think the  Ford, which is wider than that  is gonna fit through...

Fit through here.

CLARKSON: This was   reassuring news for   the people stuck behind us.

We've actually  dismantled the Zonda.

Taken this off  its front spoiler.

This is it!

The most exciting  piece of driving  I have ever done!

Everybody's watching,  but don't let that  put you off.

CLARKSON: No crowd here at all


Right, here I go.

CLARKSON: I think  we might be picking up  some more bits of Zonda.



Ooh! Sounded expensive.

CLARKSON: I can't watch this.

I like cars too much.

(LAUGHING) I'm out!

-Yes! He's through!  -(APPLAUDS)


CLARKSON: And then   it was the turn   of the wide boy.

HAMMOND: Oh, man, that is  unbelievably tight!


You all right on that side?

That is brushing...

Oh, yes.

We've sort of stopped Paris!


MAY: I'll be out of here  in less than 20 seconds.



CLARKSON: Come on.  HAMMOND: Inch it.

Yup. You're out.

That's it.

There's a jam. Yes.

All these people have been  kept waiting by us.

And they look cross.



Right, here we go.  500 miles, all of them fast.

CLARKSON: Back on the road,

we got into the routine of finding fault, with each other's cars.

That Zonda...

It's like a lion in orange dungarees...

Kind of fierce  but ridiculous,  all at the same time.

--HAMMOND: The problem   with the Ferrari is,

it is that little bit   more understated,

and that's no good in a supercar.

It's supposed to be loud   and over the top.

Go to a fancy dress party   you're supposed to come   as a carrot.

Or a big mouse!

Here comes Jeremy.  Listen to the evocative sound  of ironmongery.

Interestingly, I think  Zonda is the sort of car

for people who worry too much  about their teeth.

HAMMOND:  I have not had my teeth done!

Jeremy's been on the go for

five or 10 minutes now  without re-fuelling.

Must have been very light  on the throttle.

--HAMMOND: After the fill-up,   it started to rain,

which wasn't a problem at all, for most of us.

No, no!

I need a junction!



CLARKSON: As the miles racked up, one thing became clear.

The Ford was easily   the most civilised.

Round about now, Richard's buttocks are going to be ruined.

Numb bum.

And I'm so comfortable still.

MAY: Right,  by my calculations,

about 150 miles to go

and I think it's time we made things a bit more interesting.

CLARKSON: What,  you're suggesting  we turn off the motorway?

MAY: Not suggesting,   but we are turning off   the motorway.

Oh, crikey, Jeremy,  that sounds bad.


MAY: On the motorway,   the brute force of the Ford   and Zonda was hard to match.

Now it was time to see   who was the boss   on the back roads.

But, first, inevitably...

How can he need more?

Have you noticed  how his right bicep

is now slightly bigger  than his left one?


Have you also noticed  that when he fills his car up,  he stands like a teapot?


CLARKSON: James, I've run out of money!

-Have you?  -(HAMMOND LAUGHS)

What an  interesting predicament!

Please can I borrow  some money?

We're not  bailing you for that.

You want me to pay  for your petrol?


Right.  The nation is observing.

I haven't got any money!

I will fund your ridiculous petrol habit.


Right, this is where  the Ferrari claws it back.

See, what the other two  have there are great big,

coarse, heavy,  workman's boots.

What I have here  is a ballerina's point shoe.

Suddenly, the Zonda feels quite wide! Ooh!

I've got ceramic discs,

I've got something  called an E-diff,

which Michael Schumacher also has on his F1 car.

I've got a five-position  traction control centre.

To be honest,  I'd love to be driving  that Ferrari on this road

'cos it is a piece  of engineering brilliance,  that car.

I wouldn't like to be driving  Richard's car.


I wasn't worried.

You're supposed  to have traction control!


Here comes Captain Slow!

It's absolute magic,  this thing!

CLARKSON: Sometimes, James's sense of direction let him down a bit

but there was no doubt that in this terrain his car was brilliant,

a point I conceded   with typical good grace.

If you live in a gorge  in south west France

you're definitely better off  with his Ferrari.

You really are.

HAMMOND: Of course,  there are some elements  of the real world

that even a supercar  can't get you out of.

CLARKSON: I've never seen you  drive fast before.

MAY: The thing is,  driving fast is for  a particular time and place.

I can do it, I just only  do it occasionally,  because I'm a gentleman.

I don't expect you two  to understand this!

Are you really struggling  in the Zonda?

Well, the thing about it...

It's amazingly easy to drive  at ordinary speeds,

despite looking like it does,  but when you press on...

It's like you tag fight him,  you kick box him,  and it's quite nice.

And then you say,  "Go on then.  Give me your best shot."

And then he takes your head off!

But I bet this Ford  is probably the worst  handling car here...

I'll concede that.

No American who designed  that chassis

is even half aware  that a road like this exists.

Yeah, that would  make sense.

If you brought an American here, he would die of shock.

Can I just say also,  that if I'd had a look  down there

before we did this,

I'd have taken it out of sport  and been Captain Slow again.

-(LAUGHS) -I mean, look at that!

Have you been  in a race?

Only vey briefly. Didn't like it.

--CLARKSON: Then we moved on   to more important matters.

HAMMOND: I have not  had my teeth done!

--CLARKSON: And then it was time to get back on the road.

We were now near   journey's end

and the argument   that had fuelled us   for 700 miles still raged.

And you can see why.

The Zonda has the drama   and the power.

The Ferrari has the handling

and an astonishing   soundtrack.


And the Ford?   Well, it's the prettiest   and the fastest

and it has   the best fuel economy...

Oh, no, wait,   that's not right, is it?

Each car, then,   was still putting up a fight

and none of us would budge.

I need to be made to feel  like I'm 10 in a supercar.

If I don't feel like  I'm sitting in short trousers

with my mouth open,  going, "Wow."

Then it's failed.

MAY: The thing about Ferrari  is this...

You can see the breeding,

and you can feel it.

You can't rationalise  cars like these.

They're not something you buy with your head,

you buy them with your heart,  because you love them.

And who can explain love?

All I know is,  I love this big Ford

more than I love the others.

--CLARKSON: And it's okay   that we can't agree

because, if you remember, we didn't come all the way through France

to find the best supercar.

We came here for that.

--CLARKSON:   This is the Millau Bridge.

At 1,000 feet,   it's the tallest bridge   in the world.

It's so tall, you could put   Canary Wharf   underneath the roadway.

It's clever, too, because it rises and falls by as much as 10 feet,

depending on the temperature   and the season.

It is a magnificent   achievement.

So what does it have to do   with our big, heavy, thirsty   and expensive cars?

That is a supercar  in the same way  that that is a super bridge.

They could have built it  lower down with some RSJs  and some planks of wood,

but they didn't.

They built something amazing,  something astonishing,  something wonderful.

They went berserk.

This bridge, then,   like the cars   that brought us here

is an example of humans doing what humans do...

Pushing boundaries,   pushing ourselves.

Taking something   that can't be done

and then doing it.



CLARKSON: That was a good day.

That was a good day,  and that...

That explains supercars.

It's mankind making life  better for ourselves.

I mean, that's  the important thing.

Caveman did not  snuff out the fire  'cos it was too hot.

You're absolutely right.  People are always saying,

"Dolphins are really  intelligent."  But they're not, are they?

'Cos they can't even engineer  an E-diff.

I tell you what, before we end,

I've got a quote here  from President Chirac, okay?

This is what he said  when he opened that bridge.

"The French people  are rightly proud

"of the feats  accomplished here,

"feats which speak for France,  a modern France,

"an enterprising,  successful France,

"a France which invests in the future."

He forgot to mention  the fact the architect  was British!


And on that bombshell,  good night.  See you next week.