Top Gear (2002–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - Episode #7.3 - full transcript
The boys are having a road trip to the famous Milau Viaduct bridge in France in supercars of their choice (Jeremy in his own Ford GT, Richard a Pagani Zonda and James in a Ferrari F430 Spyder). In the news segment, the boys announce their Emmy win for Best Non-scripted Entertainment category. Jeremy reviews the Ford Focus ST.
--CLARKSON: Tonight, the chavtastic new Ford Focus.
The transport minister is in our reasonably-priced car.
And Richard Hammond and I have a fight.
Hello, and welcome to the show.
Tonight we're talking mostly about supercars.
You see, a lot of people say they're too big, too wasteful,
you can't use the speed in modern day traffic, blah, blah, blah...
So, to try and explain the point of the supercar,
we thought we'd take one to that huge new bridge in southern France.
we couldn't work out which one to take.
Plainly, the Pagani Zonda is the obvious choice.
It's everything a supercar should be,
pantomime, panache, power.
-Utter nonsense. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
This is the best supercar, the Ferrari F430.
There's no excess, there's no E numbers, there's no added sugar.
It is just exquisite.
I agree with everything James and Richard said.
My respect for the Ferrari is boundless
and I adore the Zonda.
But, for me, the best supercar is the Ford GT.
I like it so much, I actually bought this one twice.
You bought it twice because it kept breaking down and you sent it back.
Problem is we couldn't agree which one to take to the bridge.
So, guess what we did?
--CLARKSON: Yep, we took all three.
And we began on the sweeping N roads of northern France.
This really is supercar country.
Oh, the power is just immense!
I've got a 5.4 litre V8,
which has a super charger to force the fuel into the cylinders.
You can actually see the belt whirring away,
just here over my shoulder,
in the rear-view mirror.
Not that you're going to be looking in your rear-view mirror very much
because this thing churns out 550 brake horsepower.
And that's a lot.
No, it isn't.
You see, the Zonda has a 7.3 litre Mercedes V12 engine
that makes 555 brake horsepower.
And this car is a third of a ton lighter than Jeremy's Ford.
So the critical figures are these.
Power to weight ratio.
Jeremy's Ford manages 350 brake horsepower per ton.
This 440 brake horsepower per ton.
That is a huge difference.
--HAMMOND: Jeremy's GT, then, is weak American coffee
whereas my Zonda is the full double espresso.
CLARKSON: I bet you any money,
Hamster is sitting in that silly orange Zonda now
banging on about power to weight ratios.
The fact of the matter is,
that car has the aerodynamic properties of Elton John in those spectacles.
So its top speed's only 210.
This does 212 and that's more.
MAY: Let's get a bit of a sense of perspective here.
This car does 196mph
and that's not exactly slow.
Just a bit slower than them, that's all.
--MAY: And anyway, this isn't a mobile West End musical,
all huge and preposterous and difficult to move about.
'The Ferrari is light on its feet.
It's more like a tight four-piece band.
And would you just listen to the noise it makes?
Here we go.
Oh, I could do that all day!
The Ferrari does sound good.
But not as good as this. I mean, come on!
It's fantastic. (CHUCKLES)
(SOFTLY) This is the Ford's party piece.
I'm driving along now at some miles an hour
and I don't really need to raise my voice to talk to you.
That means you can drive the Ford long distances without getting tired
and it also means that you can go through
sleepy little French villages without ruining everyone's day.
I love the Zonda because it's so crazy.
Going through town in this thing...
Argh! Big lorry.
If the paint was any thicker on this, he would have hit me.
Where's James gone?
--HAMMOND: To give James a chance to catch up,
Jeremy and I pulled over for an argument.
-0-60, what's yours? -3.8.
3.7, which is faster.
CLARKSON: Yeah, once. But, I tell you what.
If we raced five times you'd be in a cloud of smoke, your clutch would've gone.
How much time have you spent in petrol stations on the way here?
Look, the fact of the matter is, Richard,
I prefer to spend my money on petrol than on teeth whitening.
(LAUGHS) I have not had my teeth whitened.
I absolutely have not.
Look, ultimately, your car is still,
and always will be (GRUNTS) a Ford.
When did you last see Captain Slow?
Getting off the ferry.
CLARKSON: Oh, no, he's here, look.
He's here. He's here.
He's here, we can go. Come on, we've got to get to Paris.
CLARKSON: Our £600,000 convoy of exotic materials blasted south.
And on the motorway the Ford and the Zonda were in a class of their own.
Nothing else gives you a kick in the back like it.
Every time I do this...
...there's a little baby blue speck in my rear-view mirror
as James' Ferrari goes backwards.
CLARKSON: Mind you, the Ferrari was still quick enough
to cause James his own little problem.
--(HAMMOND ON PHONE) Hey, Jeremy.
Have you seen James' hair in that car?
Oh, bloody hell!
Never has anyone looked more out of place.
"Oh, I'm in a supercar. Oh, I'm in a supercar. Golly."
CLARKSON: But then it was my turn to take the ridicule.
--(HAMMOND ON PHONE) Jeremy, how are you for fuel?
CLARKSON: Oh, fine-ish.
HAMMOND: Look, a petrol station,
the natural home territory of the Ford GT.
And there it is, at the watering hole,
drinking its fill for the 47th time today.
This probably isn't entirely typical of the sort of lunch
your average Zonda owner sits down to.
-I bought him a present. -What is it?
-(MUFFLED) Oh, yes! Perfect. -It's a baseball cap, James.
Keep your hair in check.
Just have it at a jaunty angle like a school cap.
CLARKSON: As the sun began to go down we approached Paris.
What a glorious evening!
The perfect end to a really very perfect day.
-(CAR HONKING) -Argh!
CLARKSON: The worst car in the world to try and drive through Paris
is a supercar.
It is like driving a post-box.
See I've got a truck here now and I only know that 'cause I can hear it.
-(TOOTS) -Eek! Don't scratch it.
Yeah, shove in!
I hope we don't have to go round the Arc De Triomphe.
God, that was close.
-(CARS HONKING) -Ooh!
It's just the sound of horns.
Oh, God! Excuse...
-(CAR HONKING) -Sorry.
I know it's a supercar,
it doesn't have vertical takeoff!
CLARKSON: Eventually we made it onto the Champs Elysees.
Where we were joined by a man on a motorcycle.
(BIKE ENGINE ROARING)
But even he failed to out-pose the--rosbifs.
We caused such a stir,
that the police arrived to control the crowd.
And make sure no-one set fire to us.
This, then, seemed like a good time
to sit down and decide which one of our cars looked the best.
The Argentinean playboy,
the Italian count,
or the sheet-metal worker from Detroit.
Do you know what the problem here is with your car?
It's not pretty enough.
I was watching you coming down the Champs Elysees.
It just isn't pretty enough.
And the back of it is a bit too tall and a bit too fiddly.
I mean, it's not an ugly car.
It's a supercar, it means you can do any shape you like.
You can draw anything you like.
HAMMOND: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
CLARKSON: Why not draw something beautiful?
No, this is all rubbish.
What you're talking about is hot rods, comedy cars, all that sort of stuff.
Mine is a supercar because it's modern, technology is modern,
the styling is modern contemporary,
and it works in a modern and contemporary way.
It's not conservative.
-HAMMOND: It is. -Your car is conservative.
It's got two white stripes over the top!
-(LAUGHS) -MAY: But it's 40 years old.
Okay, then. We've just driven through Paris.
Not the happiest motoring experience of my life.
-No. -(CHUCKLES) Never.
CLARKSON: The pizza delivery boys, the people who can speak to you,
every one of them was with the Ford, "Ah, c'est magnifique!"
Every single one was making a beeline for the Ford.
The Zonda pulled up and it was covered in people.
I had an attractive lady go "Mwah!" at me
and that's all, that's the end of it as far as I am concerned.
-(CLEARS THROAT) -That was you, James. That was you.
I'm desperately trying to stall you
because you've found my Ferrari key and it's not a nice item.
(HAMMOND LAUGHING) Look at that!
I'll show you mine.
It's just an old Mondeo key!
When you draw into town in a supercar
you should make everyone's day.
Now, if that's just because they have a laugh,
supercars should have a sense of humour.
They're bonkers, that's the point.
CLARKSON: He's right. It's true. It's true.
Upstart supercars are like that.
That's the problem Lamborghini always had.
They just came in late and they said,
"Look at me, I'm green and my doors open like that."
I sort of get the way the Zonda looks. I do.
-I just couldn't drive it. -(LAUGHS)
I couldn't either.
It's okay for him cos he can just hunker down,
and just be down here with his new expensive teeth.
I have not had my teeth done!
You've had your teeth whitened.
-I've not! -You've had them...
--CLARKSON: So we concluded that all our cars looked the best
and then we went to bed.
CLARKSON: He's had his teeth whitened, but he's down there.
Right, we'll pick that up later on...
-But now it's time... -Can I just point out seriously,
I have not had my teeth whitened.
Yes, he has.
-I haven't! -CLARKSON: He has.
-He has, hasn't he? -WOMAN: Yes. Yes.
-I just... -CLARKSON: I mean, look at them!
-Nobody's teeth just go white. -I'm getting conscious now.
-I have not. -(ALL LAUGHING)
Let's just get on with the news, can we?
Because, I'm not joking, we have the most important piece of news
ever to reveal to the Top Gear--audience.
Top Gear,--this pokey --motoring show on BBC2,
this week won...
-I've got it here. -(CHUCKLING)
In New York...
-An Emmy! -HAMMOND: We did.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING) -We won an Emmy!
Here it is.
Check it out.
HAMMOND: Can I touch it?
CLARKSON: That is an Emmy. HAMMOND: Yeah.
What this is for, okay,
--it's for the best Non-Scripted Entertainment
show that wasn't made in America.
-Yes, indeed! -That's us.
Why didn't you go to the ceremony to pick that up?
Well, 'cause I was writing the script for this week's show.
-(CHUCKLES) Yeah. -Yeah.
Thing is though, when The Office,
you remember that Sitcom series thing?
When that won some Golden Globes recently...
...the whole of the BBC ground to a halt
whilst everyone said congratulations.
They were showered with like, gifts and gold and diamonds...
They were. The Director General of the BBC
spent a week rubbing warm pig fat into Ricky Gervais.
HAMMOND: Yes, he did.
MAY: He did. CLARKSON: He did.
So, how many chocolate covered lap dancers do you think have been sent to us?
How many do you reckon?
-Not a damn thing. -Nothing.
And if you think that's outrageous
then please write to us, as of Monday to Top Gear, Channel Four Television...
HAMMOND: Yes, yes. (CHUCKLES)
...124 Horseferry Road, London SW1.
Remember, last year, we had a look at a car that
Mercedes was going to base on a fish?
-Oh, yes. -The bionic car.
Here's a picture of it. Look, that's the fish.
MAY: That's the fish, yes.
HAMMOND: That's the base of the car...
The car looks like this. The bionic car...
-(ALL LAUGHING) -MAY: It's still the fish.
Well, yes, that's been designed in a wind tunnel to be like a fish.
In a wind tunnel?
You can't design something to look like a fish in a wind tunnel.
Yes, you can. And they did.
And they built it and they've run it.
It's been out on an industrial estate in Surrey
where it's done 10 miles an hour.
What's the point of it?
Well, it's got a sheep wee-wee system in it
that goes into the exhaust and cleans up the emissions.
But what is the point of a car...
If I'm gonna buy a car that looks like that,
I want the salesman to say,
"The reason you're driving a car that looks like this is because it's..."
It did a lap of the industrial estate in three minutes 32 seconds.
-Was it a big lap? -0.6 miles.
HAMMOND: That's not very quick.
Would anybody here buy that car?
But wait, no, no, no.
-Can I get back to you? -Yes.
You don't like the Lamborghini Gallardo, do you?
I like it, I just think it's a bit Audi-ish
because Audi own Lambo now and it's just a bit...
So, you'll say, it's a bit dull.
-CLARKSON: A bit TT-ish. -Bit dull. I've heard you say that. Right.
Well, I defy you to tell me that
this Lamborghini Gallardo is boring.
It's the Spider version.
And it is... I think that looks absolutely... Yeah, exactly.
Tell me that's a boring car.
I want to know everything about that.
Well, I can tell you It's got 520 brake horsepower,
a 10 cylinder engine...
...it's 0-60 in 4.3 seconds, top speed 195mph.
It's not exactly slow, costs 12% more than the hardtop, £131,000.
And think that' absolutely...
That is a stunning looking car.
I mean, that is one of the best looking cars I've ever seen.
I really want one of those.
Right, the bionic (BLEEP) fish car...
This better be good. This better be good.
It's got a 1.8 litre, extremely efficient diesel engine with...
Everybody's got a diesel engine.
No, because this one's got sheep urine in it
and that means that the emissions are reduced by up to 80%
and yet strength and crash safety of the bionic shell is unaffected.
So it's no safer, is what they're saying, than a normal car.
It's a diesel car, you just... I'm sorry.
-And it looks like that. -And it looks like that.
Take it away. I never want to see it again in my life. Ever.
And now we must move it along, er,
because I want to talk to you about some of the best looking cars on sale today.
CLARKSON: Look at them,
so cool and clean they could be fuelled with frappuccino.
This is a grey and silver Powerbook world of discreet sculpture,
subtle Art Deco light fittings
and cascading brushed aluminium.
Very nice. Really.
But Ford has now decided that what we all need is livening up a bit.
This is what they've come up with
the Focus ST and you know what?
It's the perfect car for modern Britain.
I mean, come on, we're not really a nation
of zinc kitchen surfaces and brushed aluminium.
We're more a nation of... Wetherspoons and heat--magazine
So it's right that it has a lotto-lab body kit.
It's right that it's as orange as an air hostess.
Ford even say that this interior
with its red turbo motif was designed to look like a training shoe.
And that's right, too.
Now, this gives us a problem 'cause normally when we film Top Gear,
the camera man uses filters like this...
Okay, there's a blue one. There, okay?
And I've got another one here which is a graduated grey.
Now filters like this, okay,
make cars like that look cool, crisp and modern.
For the Ford, however, I think we're going to have to use this one.
We call it the, um, the Westbrook.
(BELLY DANCER BANANZA --BY AKON PLAYING)
--CLARKSON: Even in terms of practicality,
this car is thoroughly modern and thoroughly British.
I mean, if it's stolen,
Plod won't need an infra-red night vision camera to find it again.
And look, that boot is easily big enough for a Coleen shopping trip.
CLARKSON: I do think they have the name wrong, though.
They've called it the Focus ST,
which in the language of the ladies lavatory stands for...
(WHISPERING) Sanitary towel.
What they should have done was call it the ASBO!
Whatever. It's time to get behind the Stella Artois styling
and find out what this cars like to drive.
Under the bonnet, there's a 2.5 litre turbocharged Volvo engine
and the torque it chucks out is immense.
Any gear, any revs, any prod on the throttle
and you get a deep bellow
and a very, very satisfying surge.
It is a mother of violence.
The power's not bad either.
0-60 takes six-and-half seconds
and flat out you'd be going at 150.
CLARKSON: At this point, some of you are going to think,
"Oh, dear, that means it's not as fast as the new Vauxhall Astra VXR."
That's true enough, but the Vauxhall has too much power.
It torque steers like an absolute pig.
And it's £1,500 more expensive than this.
So if given a Vauxhall, I'd love it, I really would, and I'd defend it to the hilt.
But would I buy one with money?
The ASBO is a much better car.
It's much more comfortable, and it's manageable when you wanna have fun.
There is immense grip from the front end
and because it has the same control blade rear suspension
as you have in the old Focus,
you get loads of lovely lift-off over steer as well.
It's a brilliant handling car.
I mean, it's absolutely brilliant.
Oh! You can take the car out of Essex...
It's a nice place to sit, as well,
especially when you bear in mind that I am actually inside one of So Solid Crew's shoes.
The seats are especially fab.
Comfortable and supportive.
CLARKSON: It's not even what you'd call a binge drinker.
It'll be as cheap to run as it is to buy.
This model's only £17,500.
Well, all I can say is I have a Y reg Focus at home
and it has never gone wrong once.
Most dependable car I've ever owned.
This one is a bit more complicated.
It's got adjustable steering to make it heavy or light or normal.
To be honest, that's just something to go wrong.
But at least he should be safe.
The ASBO has an NCAP five star rating
and is good for pedestrians, as well.
I mean, it's not like we gonna step into the road and say,
"I never saw it coming!"
So it really does seem to have all the bases covered.
It's cheap, it's safe, it's comfortable, it's practical,
and it is truly amazing to drive.
And the best thing?
It's also available in blue.
Even though, the track was soaking wet,
this thing has so much grip it was kicking up a back wheel in the corners.
-That is amazing. -That is incredible, agreed.
But didn't Ford say they were going to make an RS version of the Focus
with like even more...
Oh, yeah, no, they did.
They said it was going to have 300 horse brake power,
it was going to be four wheel drive,
Adidas stripes down the side, yeah!
-So what happened to that? -They couldn't be bothered.
What they're actually doing is that.
Oh, yes. This is the Iosis.
It's a Ford concept car and I know it looks a bit like a Coupe
but it is in fact, a four seat, four door family saloon.
And the important thing is that this, in essence, is the new Ford Mondeo.
Wow! So the Mondeo is going to have gull-wing doors?
Except it won't have gull-wing doors.
And neoprene seats!
Actually they're not doing the neoprene seats.
Is it going to have cameras instead of wing mirrors?
Sadly, they're not going to do cameras instead of wing mirrors.
Will it be able to drive on the ceiling
like the ST Focus did in that film we just saw?
Forget all the gadgetry stuff and all the flim-flam.
The important thing is this is the next Mondeo will look like.
I think it looks fantastic.
It does. It looks like an Aston Martin.
Thing is though, that's then and this is now
and it's time to put our team racing driver
in the Focus ST.
Some say that his politics are terrifying,
and that he once punched a horse to the ground.
All we know is that he's called The Stig.
--CLARKSON: It's very foggy out there today,
but you'll notice The Stig doesn't have his rear fog lights on,
'cause, of course he's not a blithering idiot.
Oh, here he is with his Baroque Classics.
Oh, heavens, why is he not coming up?
---(TYRES SQUEALING) -Is he coming up?
Hang on, another tyre squeal round, what I think is the first corner there.
Right, that's Chicago. I recognise that.
He's coming through.
Stig, of course doesn't need to see where he's going.
He's more machine than man.
He just sees in numbers. Oh, no, wait, he doesn't!
There, he did need to see where he was going.
Now he's down off to the Hammer Head.
Will he remember to brake? Yes, he has.
-Well done, Stig. ---(TYRES SQUEALING)
Quite greasy out there, must be said in the fog.
Nice though. Well done, Stiggy!
Now belting up to the follow through.
Where's he gone? Now, let's listen.
It didn't sound like he lifted there. Hard to say for sure.
Coming up now, through the tyre wall, that looks quick.
He's a very brave Stig today.
Turning in to what I think is the second-last corner.
And coming up to Gambon.
Bit of over steer going in there.
And across the line.
I've no idea which line that was,
but I've got the time here, one minute 34.9.
Er, now you've got to remember,
that's quite a long way down, but the thing is, that was a greasy track.
On a dry track, I am absolutely certain
this would be quicker than an Astra VXR and a Golf GTI.
It's a very good car.
Right, now we got to move on,
because we're having a bit of a break from the norm tonight.
Because we're going to put a member of Parliament
in our reasonably-priced car.
He is the Minister for Transport,
which means he is the minister for speed cameras.
Oh, no, no.
This is the BBC. We will treat him with respect and impartiality.
So please welcome, Beelzebub himself, Dr Stephen Ladyman!
How are you?
-(SECTIONS OF AUDIENCE BOO) -No, we won't have that!
At least no one shoved the custard pie in your face yet,
which is what really happens to me.
You are a brave soul, I have to say.
You are Top Gear--audience. How many speeding tickets have you got?
-Nine points, I'm afraid. -Nine points.
How many points has your wife got?
Well, you've not shovelled them onto her licence?
"Sorry, darling, you've been caught speeding again."
I suggested it, but...
Right. And you drive?
An Alfa Romeo 156.
You see? The man drives an Alfa and he drives it fast!
What did the Cabinet say when you told them you were coming here?
They don't actually know. Alistair knows.
You see, they will know...
The rest of them will be behind their sofas now
with their hands over their ears.
Okay, so let's start with a simple one.
What's the stopping distance from 70mph?
Can I phone a friend?
No. You're on your own. Used all your lifelines.
Highway Code says it's 315 feet.
I'm sure the Highway code is right.
-An Aston Martin will pull up in half that. -Right.
So why can't Astons go twice the speed limit?
-It's a thought. -(CHUCKLES)
It's a thought.
Thinking distance won't be any different there
when they're driven by the same people.
Aston Martin drivers are sharp!
They're on it, they're mostly footballers,
and bang, they're there, like that.
Footballer on last week seems to have wrecked one or two of them.
Yes, he's right., every single car we've got.
And I can sustain this no longer.
We need to talk speed cameras.
Could you prove to me they save lives?
Yes. Every study that's ever been done anywhere in the world
has shown that they work.
No, that's not proof. That's just you making a noise.
Prove... Prove to me that they have saved a life.
Well, the statistics that we've gathered together
over the first three years of the Safety Partnership
show that they're saving hundreds of lives in this country alone.
But you've looked at the figures presumably,
from say when the speed limit was introduced,
the motorway ones, say around '65.
It fell every single year until '92?
When speed cameras were introduced,
then it levelled out.
But we've also done three studies already
and we're just waiting for the results of a fourth one
which compares the accident rates
on the sites where the cameras are now placed
before and after cameras.
So we know they're working.
If you have one accident, It suddenly goes up to four
and you put a speed camera there.
It goes back to one...
There has to be four at every particular site before you get a speed camera.
-Okay, let's take the M4 as a prime example. -Yes.
-Do you know what one of the four was? -I don't.
Somebody jumped off a bridge.
I'm not joking. That was what one of them was.
The police said only one of them was down to speed,
and yet they put speed cameras there.
As well as having four people involved in injuries
which either killed them or seriously injured them.
But also has to be systematic evidence of speeding at those sites.
So why do you have chief constables in Northumbria and Durham
saying that speed cameras don't save lives?
Well, that's not what they say.
They believe that they can achieve in their areas
similar results by other means.
And one of the things we've been saying to them
and part of the policy is that they have to have ruled out
every other opportunity to make that site safer
before they can put a camera there.
Okay, well, let's work on this basis then
if you've got what, 28 million cars, vehicles on the road now,
don't you accept it is inevitable that some of them
occasionally are going to crash into each other?
Absolutely. There's no question about that.
-And we're at 3,500 deaths a year now. -Yeah.
And have been, give or take, for what, ten years.
It's been coming down steadily over the last few years.
It's around between 3,200 and 3,500.
It's about 3,200 at the moment.
Now, but it's been hovering around the same mark.
We can juggle around with the odd ten...
It hasn't been hovering around the same mark...
Who does your statistics for you? That's just not true.
-So, I give you the figures? -You can give me the figures.
'92, we got down to 3,800.
3,600, 3,600, 3,500, 3,500, 3,400, 3,400
-3,400, 3,400, 3,400, 3,500, 3,200. -Yeah.
So I'm saying...
It's gone up once in 10 years for one year.
It went up the year before that, as well.
And the year before that.
But that whole period that you read out, it's on the way down.
-It isn't! -It is!
You just read out the figures!
All right, I'll be more specific.
This is with speed cameras.
The next year is 3,423.
That's a jump of two...
In the following year, it went down by 17, then it went up by 40...
I'm sure you obey the speed limit, anyway,
so what's your objection to speed cameras?
My objection to speed cameras?
We paint them yellow, we put them where you can see them,
we put a big sign up to tell you where they come in
and we even print a list of them on the internet.
if you're still getting caught, who's fault is that?
-You're... -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
You're the one with nine points.
-Well, I've been... -I haven't got any.
This is my thing with speed cameras.
If you want somebody to slow down,
say, it's a cliche, outside a school, okay?
You put it outside a school,
you paint it pink, give it big yellow flowers, big neon speed camera.
Nobody will speed past it.
You will therefore physically stop speeding.
That's a good thing. Isn't that what you want?
Yes, and that's what we do?
So, why have you just said no to 500 more speed cameras.
Because, I think one of the things we got to do
is win back motorist's confidence in them.
You're displaying, you know, the sentiments of many motorists out there.
Now, I think that when we produce the four-year report,
we can strike a deal with the motorist
where we can demonstrate that we're not after your money,
we're just trying to make dangerous places safer.
And in return, the motorist will respect the speed limits better.
I don't think for a moment you're after our money.
Oh, they're laughing. Obviously, we looked into it.
The profit I think from speeding fines last year
-was £21 millions only in profit. -Yes.
Simon Cowell pays more than that in income tax every year.
So you're getting more from Simon Cowell
than you are from speed cameras.
-They're not actually... -They're not making money.
-No, you're right. -You're not making any money.
All they're doing is (BLEEP) us off!
Well, that's why we've delayed the programme this year,
whilst we gather the evidence we need
to show you that they really do work,
so that you won't be (BLEEP) off in future.
Okay, can you do something about people who crash into my front garden?
Uh, I'll talk to your local camera partnership.
-No, no, no, not a camera! -I feel a camera coming!
-Anyway, your lap. -Yeah.
Your lap is critical.
Your practice kind of didn't go well.
Shall we have a look at Steven's lap here? Okay, let's. Here, we go.
This is one of the practice laps.
Coming up now, we're coming up to the follow through.
80 miles an hour, we saw on the speedo there and you've lifted.
Oh, there he is! The Road Safety Minister!
And he's gone backwards! And he's crashed!
You've wounded our car!
Even Ian Wright didn't wound it that much!
Poor little Suzuki.
So, what was the lap like, then, fun?
It was great fun. Stig's a fabulous teacher. He really is good.
Okay, well, I'll tell you what? Here we go.
Let's have a look at his lap, okay?
--CLARKSON: That's a good start. Was it wet out there or dry?
LADYMAN: Eh, it was dry.
CLARKSON: It was dry. That's a determined looking face.
I was going to make a political thing there, but I won't.
That's... You've gone left there.
That's very slippery. That is very tidy through the first corner.
-That's the Jodie Kidd school of driving. -(LAUGHING)
CLARKSON: Ooh, your teeth! You obviously weren't enamoured about that.
I tell you that, the gear box is not good on that road.
No, it's... The reason about that is that poor car
has only ever been on that track since it was built.
That's all it's ever done.
Again, I've got to say, that is perfect.
You listened to The Stig.
Will you make it this time?
Yes! It didn't even lift! And the teeth are back!
You're going to have to have a word when the follow-through's this quick...
That's looking good. Speed's fun, isn't it?
It's fabulous, yeah.
There's nothing you can run into.
Well, there's that jumbo apart from the other that will make the news!
And there we are coming up to the last corner. It's gamblin'.
And that's tidy, as well!
I've gotta say that's not bad rap.
Crossed the line, everybody.
Now where do you think you've come on our...
I think more Terry Wogan than Simon Cowell and Jimmy Carr.
You're much higher up than Wogan.
What? As high up as Harry Enfield, you mean?
No, you're higher than Enfield. You're right.
-Higher than halfway. -Really?
You did it in one minute 48.8 seconds.
-(APPLAUSE) -Ladies and Gentlemen, he's way up here.
I mean, that's...
Where are you? That's Rob Brydon, Neil Morrissey...
-You're quicker than Roger Daltrey. -Yeah.
That is an astonishing thing.
-And you're the Minister of Road Safety. -I know.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -There is one thing. You owe me 60 quid.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -Mmm-hmm?
You do, I'm sorry. You owe me 60 quid. Look.
Seriously, did you not?
Here you come. Here he comes, look. Here he comes.
He goes. Watch. Watch.
I want to see one of those front facing cameras to prove that was me in the car.
It was you in the car. You just didn't see the speed camera.
-Now you know how we feel! -(ALL LAUGHING)
I will be sending the bill. But in the mean time...
Ladies and Gentlemen, Stephen Ladyman.
Thank you very much. That's very brave.
Wait, because it is, for the first time this series, time for the Cool Wall!
Oh, yes. And we start with... Well, I think quite an easy one, actually.
It's the new Aston Martin, the AMV8, the baby Aston Martin.
Easiest one we've ever done, is it not?
Yes, it is uncool. It's a baby Aston Martin.
It is... It's an Aston...
Now think about... Hang on.
When was the last time somebody dropped something
very heavy on one of your feet?
Surprisingly, not that long ago!
-No... -Don't be ridiculous, man.
It is. Because if you want the Aston Martin
you buy DB9, a full size one not a baby one.
It's a freezing cold car.
By your own rules, you big oaf!
Footballer's car. It's a foot...
No footballer will buy this car.
No, they won't. They're like jackdaws. They only like shiny things.
Ooh, I'll have that ring and I'll have that...
They will have the Vanquish, they will not have this.
It's going in the special DB9 super cool fridge
-and that's the end of it. -Absolute...
You will all regret that!
Listen, I'll do you a deal, mate.
As soon as a premiership footballer...
We even get a whiff that one has bought one of those things,
I'll bring it down the board. But, until then, no way.
-So if a footballer buys it, I can set fire to the picture? -Yes!
-All right... -Listen, footballers of the world,
-do not buy a baby Aston, okay? -I'm saving up...
I'll buy you one!
Ooh, hey, now, Vauxhall Astra.
VXR. What are we thinking?
-Cool. -(LAUGHING) Come on!
-Again... -It is cool.
Any car that if you're at a party and somebody says, "What have you got?"
And an Astra and then you have to explain,
"No, it's a VXR, it's got 240 brake horsepower, that's special..."
-That's uncool. -Listen. Listen, listen.
You won't be at a party in one of these because,
you'll have stalks steered into the tree on the way.
You'll be killed. And that's important.
To die on an anecdote is important.
Dying at the age 78 with a tube up your nose,
how are your children gonna die now on that?
"Daddy died in a fireball in a Vauxhall and a tree," is spot on!
And I'll tell you another thing, as well.
You say someone you've got an Vauxhall Astra.
Okay. "Ooh... He's an accountant. I've got a VXR."
"I'm an accountant for the SAS."
That is a cool car. Promising.
HAMMOND: Oh, dear.
-MAN: Uncool. -Thank you! I'm with him.
Who said that? Who said that?
It's a fantastic car.
-But you own one, so it's uncool. -HAMMOND: Ah-ha. Yes!
And there, you've hit upon the nail.
As it were, because... Your own rules.
-I say, if we buy a car then it becomes uncool, okay. -Obviously.
Gets worse with this. Jamie Oliver's got one.
That's the tum and the tongue have both hit this car.
-Even if had been any good, which it isn't, it's ruined. -What?
-It's ruined. It's awful -What? You know Sophia in the office?
May have noticed her.
-She's not entirely unattractive. -She likes that.
-Tiffany Dell, he likes that. -Okay, but...
-But that still cannot... -Do you like it?
(SOFTLY) Say yes.
-It's quite sexy. -It's quite...
-It's not... -It's more than sexy.
-It's very, very sexy. -Listen, listen. You have got that...
That point badly wrong.
What you're looking at is a man in a car, who's gonna say,
"Look, the little nose has been designed to look like a Formula One car!"
Talking of Formula One... Have you... No, you never watch Formula One.
When the safety car goes out which is one of those,
you can hear it over the sound of the F1 engine.
Well, who are you gonna impress with,
"Did you know you can hear my car over the so...
"Sound of the Formula One car."
It's pathetic! It's covered in stupid little scoops and spikes.
Aye, I'll tell you something else. When you're going along in this...
-Mmm-hmm. -You know this winking thing you've got
about people winking if they recognise something special,
and all the powers hidden in it.
Everybody winks at you. Men who know cars, they look at that and go,
"That's a 55," and wink.
You said it yourself. Men wink at you when you drive that!
Oh, come on! Clearly.
I know grooming's important when you're a homosexual...
I'm not gay!
And I haven't had my teeth whitened.
You would get that man winking thing in.
Now, you're just getting personal
I'm not backing down on this one.
We had it in programme one of the series. That is a seriously cool car.
-(CLEARS THROAT) It's a... It's a BMW... -Ah-ha!
It's an M powered. M powered BMs are cool.
Look at the size of the wheels
and its stupid parrot-fish face. (VOCALISING)
If I see somebody in one of those, it is big respect cos I think,
"You have sacrificed your style, everything,
"got a BMW just so you can have a 507 brake horsepower car."
No. Okay. Try this on for size.
The gearbox has 11 settings!
How is that gonna be honoured?
"Darling, let's go along the south coast
"and to Monte Carlo and have dinner.
"I'll just set up the gearbox for driving in France."
-You won't be doing that! You won't do that! -Yes, you will.
You'll buy it, set it to 500 maximum horsepower, set the gearbox
at its most ferocious setting, tape it all down and drive it.
-I promise you... -And then you spend the rest of your life screaming
-while the girl next to you wets herself. -It is super cool.
You cannot have... You can't have a BMW...
CLARKSON: Give it back! Give it back!
Give it back!
He's eaten the bloody thing!
He's eaten it!
Difference is I have to work with those two.
Anyway, earlier you saw us on our way to the southwest of France,
to have a look at a lovely big bridge and in three supercars.
The Ford GT, the Pagani Zonda and the Ferrari F430.
Look what he's done. He's eaten it.
Hamster's eaten the picture. The hamster's eaten it.
-Hamsters eat cardboard. -Yeah, they do.
Anyway this film is a kind of road movie, with arguing.
And, we're picking up the action now in an underground car park in Paris.
-MAY: No backache. -Where's your boot?
CLARKSON: As you can see, we're not exactly travelling heavy,
but even our tiny suitcases were way too ambitious!
Is that it?
-They're saddlebags! -HAMMOND: There's two of them!
I've worked out a system. Okay, what I do is...
Now, that's elegant and sophisticated. I like it.
-What about yours, then? -There you are. See. Look!
Actually, that's not bad, is it?
Not bad at all. You just pop your bag in there with that.
-Yes. -And there, you're away.
Hang on. There's a problem here, because look...
This dips in here. You couldn't put anything in that.
That boot is there purely to accommodate the boot lid.
CLARKSON: So I put my bag in the Ferrari with James's and we set off.
And straight into a serious problem.
The exit to the car park was different to the entrance
and, boy, was it tight!
This is just impossible.
Can't carry their own briefcases, can't get out the car park!
Richard, you are so close to that...
Er... Let me out, please!
HAMMOND : I was in trouble.
My clutch was billowing smoke and the handbrake wouldn't work.
Don't get too close! The handbrake doesn't hold it!
But worse was to come.
We're not going to get out there, are we?
Not only was the car stuck in the doorway, but I was stuck in the car,
unable to open the door.
This is slightly embarrassing now.
A lot of people looking.
HAMMOND: Jeremy, meanwhile, was finding it hard to come and help.
And James couldn't be bothered.
At least we're not making a spectacle. That would be embarrassing.
What's the problem?
If you're thinking about buying a supercar, my suggestion is,
yes, just don't go near a built-up area with it.
Paris! Supercars! Glamour!
Getting his car out of here is academic, frankly,
because I don't think the Ford, which is wider than that is gonna fit through...
Fit through here.
CLARKSON: This was reassuring news for the people stuck behind us.
We've actually dismantled the Zonda.
Taken this off its front spoiler.
This is it!
The most exciting piece of driving I have ever done!
Everybody's watching, but don't let that put you off.
CLARKSON: No crowd here at all
Right, here I go.
CLARKSON: I think we might be picking up some more bits of Zonda.
Ooh! Sounded expensive.
CLARKSON: I can't watch this.
I like cars too much.
(LAUGHING) I'm out!
-Yes! He's through! -(APPLAUDS)
CLARKSON: And then it was the turn of the wide boy.
HAMMOND: Oh, man, that is unbelievably tight!
You all right on that side?
That is brushing...
We've sort of stopped Paris!
MAY: I'll be out of here in less than 20 seconds.
CLARKSON: Come on. HAMMOND: Inch it.
Yup. You're out.
There's a jam. Yes.
All these people have been kept waiting by us.
And they look cross.
Right, here we go. 500 miles, all of them fast.
CLARKSON: Back on the road,
we got into the routine of finding fault, with each other's cars.
It's like a lion in orange dungarees...
Kind of fierce but ridiculous, all at the same time.
--HAMMOND: The problem with the Ferrari is,
it is that little bit more understated,
and that's no good in a supercar.
It's supposed to be loud and over the top.
Go to a fancy dress party you're supposed to come as a carrot.
Or a big mouse!
Here comes Jeremy. Listen to the evocative sound of ironmongery.
Interestingly, I think Zonda is the sort of car
for people who worry too much about their teeth.
HAMMOND: I have not had my teeth done!
Jeremy's been on the go for
five or 10 minutes now without re-fuelling.
Must have been very light on the throttle.
--HAMMOND: After the fill-up, it started to rain,
which wasn't a problem at all, for most of us.
I need a junction!
CLARKSON: As the miles racked up, one thing became clear.
The Ford was easily the most civilised.
Round about now, Richard's buttocks are going to be ruined.
And I'm so comfortable still.
MAY: Right, by my calculations,
about 150 miles to go
and I think it's time we made things a bit more interesting.
CLARKSON: What, you're suggesting we turn off the motorway?
MAY: Not suggesting, but we are turning off the motorway.
Oh, crikey, Jeremy, that sounds bad.
MAY: On the motorway, the brute force of the Ford and Zonda was hard to match.
Now it was time to see who was the boss on the back roads.
But, first, inevitably...
How can he need more?
Have you noticed how his right bicep
is now slightly bigger than his left one?
Have you also noticed that when he fills his car up, he stands like a teapot?
CLARKSON: James, I've run out of money!
-Have you? -(HAMMOND LAUGHS)
What an interesting predicament!
Please can I borrow some money?
We're not bailing you for that.
You want me to pay for your petrol?
Right. The nation is observing.
I haven't got any money!
I will fund your ridiculous petrol habit.
Right, this is where the Ferrari claws it back.
See, what the other two have there are great big,
coarse, heavy, workman's boots.
What I have here is a ballerina's point shoe.
Suddenly, the Zonda feels quite wide! Ooh!
I've got ceramic discs,
I've got something called an E-diff,
which Michael Schumacher also has on his F1 car.
I've got a five-position traction control centre.
To be honest, I'd love to be driving that Ferrari on this road
'cos it is a piece of engineering brilliance, that car.
I wouldn't like to be driving Richard's car.
I wasn't worried.
You're supposed to have traction control!
Here comes Captain Slow!
It's absolute magic, this thing!
CLARKSON: Sometimes, James's sense of direction let him down a bit
but there was no doubt that in this terrain his car was brilliant,
a point I conceded with typical good grace.
If you live in a gorge in south west France
you're definitely better off with his Ferrari.
You really are.
HAMMOND: Of course, there are some elements of the real world
that even a supercar can't get you out of.
CLARKSON: I've never seen you drive fast before.
MAY: The thing is, driving fast is for a particular time and place.
I can do it, I just only do it occasionally, because I'm a gentleman.
I don't expect you two to understand this!
Are you really struggling in the Zonda?
Well, the thing about it...
It's amazingly easy to drive at ordinary speeds,
despite looking like it does, but when you press on...
It's like you tag fight him, you kick box him, and it's quite nice.
And then you say, "Go on then. Give me your best shot."
And then he takes your head off!
But I bet this Ford is probably the worst handling car here...
I'll concede that.
No American who designed that chassis
is even half aware that a road like this exists.
Yeah, that would make sense.
If you brought an American here, he would die of shock.
Can I just say also, that if I'd had a look down there
before we did this,
I'd have taken it out of sport and been Captain Slow again.
-(LAUGHS) -I mean, look at that!
Have you been in a race?
Only vey briefly. Didn't like it.
--CLARKSON: Then we moved on to more important matters.
HAMMOND: I have not had my teeth done!
--CLARKSON: And then it was time to get back on the road.
We were now near journey's end
and the argument that had fuelled us for 700 miles still raged.
And you can see why.
The Zonda has the drama and the power.
The Ferrari has the handling
and an astonishing soundtrack.
And the Ford? Well, it's the prettiest and the fastest
and it has the best fuel economy...
Oh, no, wait, that's not right, is it?
Each car, then, was still putting up a fight
and none of us would budge.
I need to be made to feel like I'm 10 in a supercar.
If I don't feel like I'm sitting in short trousers
with my mouth open, going, "Wow."
Then it's failed.
MAY: The thing about Ferrari is this...
You can see the breeding,
and you can feel it.
You can't rationalise cars like these.
They're not something you buy with your head,
you buy them with your heart, because you love them.
And who can explain love?
All I know is, I love this big Ford
more than I love the others.
--CLARKSON: And it's okay that we can't agree
because, if you remember, we didn't come all the way through France
to find the best supercar.
We came here for that.
--CLARKSON: This is the Millau Bridge.
At 1,000 feet, it's the tallest bridge in the world.
It's so tall, you could put Canary Wharf underneath the roadway.
It's clever, too, because it rises and falls by as much as 10 feet,
depending on the temperature and the season.
It is a magnificent achievement.
So what does it have to do with our big, heavy, thirsty and expensive cars?
That is a supercar in the same way that that is a super bridge.
They could have built it lower down with some RSJs and some planks of wood,
but they didn't.
They built something amazing, something astonishing, something wonderful.
They went berserk.
This bridge, then, like the cars that brought us here
is an example of humans doing what humans do...
Pushing boundaries, pushing ourselves.
Taking something that can't be done
and then doing it.
CLARKSON: That was a good day.
That was a good day, and that...
That explains supercars.
It's mankind making life better for ourselves.
I mean, that's the important thing.
Caveman did not snuff out the fire 'cos it was too hot.
You're absolutely right. People are always saying,
"Dolphins are really intelligent." But they're not, are they?
'Cos they can't even engineer an E-diff.
I tell you what, before we end,
I've got a quote here from President Chirac, okay?
This is what he said when he opened that bridge.
"The French people are rightly proud
"of the feats accomplished here,
"feats which speak for France, a modern France,
"an enterprising, successful France,
"a France which invests in the future."
He forgot to mention the fact the architect was British!
And on that bombshell, good night. See you next week.