Top Gear (2002–…): Season 6, Episode 11 - Hammond Runs With the Bulls - full transcript

CLARKSON: Tonight, James
tries his hand
at being Beethoven.

Richard wrestles
a rampaging bull.

And I develop a sudden urge
to marry my cousin.

Hello,
and welcome to the show!

Now, last week we had a diesel
on our track

and this week we've got
something even more
preposterous out there...

Richard Hammond.

HAMMOND: This is
the Vauxhall Monaro

and if it seems familiar,

that's because
we tested this car last year

on Pendine Sands in Wales.



We loved its big,
honest simplicity,

its V8 power
and it's amazing value
for money.

But, most of all,
we loved the ease
with which it could do

huge power slides.

In short,
it completely won our hearts.

But now there's a new one.

And, at first,
it seems nothing has changed.

Inside you still get
lashings of leather,

a CD player, air con,
electric seats

and all the usual luxuries.

But outside,
you'll notice a difference.

It's grown a pair of nostrils

and it's called VXR.

So, we've brought it
to the track because, frankly,



we think this Monaro,
should be kept
in a controlled environment.

You see, underneath
that Kenneth Williams bonnet

it's got more engine
and that means more power.

It's now six litres
instead of five point seven,

400 brake horse power.

Naught to 60?
Five point two seconds.

Top speed? 180 miles an hour.

And all for £37,000.

HAMMOND: That makes it
the fastest Vauxhall
since the mentalist

Lotus Carlton of the '90s.

But before we let off
the party poppers,

just hold on a minute.

You see, Vauxhall have fiddled
with the suspension

and moved the position
of the fuel tank,

which leaves us with
a question.

Does the Monaro still have
what made it a great car?

Does it still handle
like a dream?

In other words,

is this still the car
we fell in love with
at Pendine?

HAMMOND: Well, to find out,
we've drafted in some help

from our special friends
in Japan.

These are the D1 Drifters,

the worlds
greatest power sliders.

They're heavy smokers,

and they make
a car going round a corner
into an art form.

And whereas we can slide
a car for five seconds

and then run to Mummy,

these gentlemen
can do it all day long.

Naturally, the type of car
they use is very important

and it really is a case
of old dogs new tricks.

This Mazda RX-7

and this Nissan 200 SX

may be eligible for bus passes

but drifters love them
for their
rear wheel drive agility.

The engines do need
extra oomph though,

so they're chipped
and nitroused
up to 500 brake horse power.

So, with that kind of machine
as a company car,

-what will the drifters think
of my Vauxhall?

This is Yes.azama.

He's one of their top guys
at doing this.

And he's going to give me
some hints,

to make sure I get the best
out of the Monaro

and find out what
it can really do.

Unfortunately,
he doesn't really speak
any English.

No.

So, we'll do the best we can.
Right.

HAMMOND: With expert use
of his Marigolds,

he set about teaching me
the art of drifting.

Before. Before?
Before the corner?

Turn before the corner?
Turn before the corner.

HAMMOND: Right.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh!

HAMMOND: Oh, that didn't
work for me.
Let's try that again.

No. No. turn?

Less turn?

A little turn!

Too mu Hmm.aybe?

Accelerating. Right.

Here we go. We're in third.

Down to second.
Little turn, more power.

HAMMOND: But then it started
to come together.

MR KAZAMA: Oh! Oh!

Thank you for your advice.

You have turned me
into a hero.

More importantly...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

HAMMOND: It was a sure sign
that the VXR had lost none

of the original Monaro's
handling abilities.

Lets ha Okay. do it.

HAMMOND: And if that made me
look good,

you can guess what it did
in the hands of Mr Kazama.

HAMMOND: This is good. Right!

Oh! Still sideways,
side, still sideways.

Still sideways.

Oh!

Still sideways.

Considering that was
the first time he's ever been
in... In the car.

What do Okay.hink?

Good car.

Good car!

HAMMOND: Yeah!

It's making noises.

Things Oh!broken.

HAMMOND: I think we can safely
say that
even with me at the wheel,

the Monaro is still
a brilliant car for drifting.

With a guy like this,
it's truly great.

HAMMOND: Job done.
So, now we've got a choice.

You can watch me
have another go,

or we can let the Drifters
show off a bit more.

Um...

You were dwarfed!
He was this high!

I know! A very tall race,
the Japanese.

CLARKSON: Did you see that?

That Japanese bloke
was eight feet taller
than he was.

Tall people.

Like land of the giants.

A tall race, the Japanese,
as it turns out.

Anyway,
you know my back is broken?

No, cos you haven't mentioned
it ever on the television,
the radio,

or in the newspaper
every half hour.

I may have let it
slip out once. Anyway,

it was a Monaro that broke it.

Really? Yeah.

Who'd like to see what
I was doing the day
before my spine went ping?

Rather depends.

Let's have a look.

CLARKSON: Power slide,
power slide,
power slide, power slide.

Look at those
the longest one ever did!

And then my Yeah. shattered.

It happens, but,
you've got to admit,

this thing is just born
to go sideways.

Still...

Mmm! Still love it!

Oh I love it.sty!

Still it's now time
to find out,

what it's like
round our track,

when it is sort of
not going sideways.

Yeah. Now, that means
handing it over
to our team racing driver.

Some say
that he's terrified of ducks

and that there's an airport
in Russia named after him.

All we know is
he's called The Stig.

HAMMOND: Okay. Away he goes.
Loads of wheel spins there .

The car's traction control
is pretty simple
at best of times.

Today we've simply
turned it off.

so there could be
some serious sideways action,

as a result.

No sign of it
at the first corner though.

Pretty much under control
so far.

Oh, dear, Stig's listening
to Genesis there.

God, I wish Jeremy'd stop
lending him CD's.

Into Chicago,
still no hint of drift.

Plainly the Stig
is not Japanese,

even though I'm told
he does appears
on their banknotes.

Hard on the brakes
into Hammerhead now.

Quite a lot of roll there.

But the tail not stepping out
as you might expect.

This shows this car can be
properly quick
when you stop mucking about.

Oh, dear.
Up towards follow through now.

And let's see...

The Stig's feathering
the throttle slightly
on the way in

but... Whoa!

Really fast through the tyres.
Just two corners to go now.

It's still very neat.

Where's all the over stee r
and slidey stuff?

Ooh! It's there, into Gambon
and across the line.

Okay. Before...

Before I tell you,

-give him is due.
-CLARKSON: Stig?

Keeping that thing
on the straight and narrow.

That was some driving.

Trust me, to try
and stop it going sideways.

That was an achievement.
Nevertheless, the time is...

1:30.1.

So that's about there.

HAMMOND: The same as
the Impreza.
Hey, that's pretty good.

You've got to say, obviously,
there are faster ways
of getting from A to B

but there are very few ways
of having as much fun in
the process.

Nothing else
as sideways as that.

In fact, I have an idea.
Tell you what,
why not put it like that?

And now the news.
And the big news
this week is from Vauxhall,

where it's just been announced
that the Monaro
has been dropped.

They ar What?ng...

I've just been driving it,
mate.

I got the Japanese guys over
and they've dropped it?

Yeah, sorry.
I meant to tell it,
but you wasted your time.

So, that was all
a complete waste of time,
what he was doing?

That's not embarrassing then.

Have they got anything left
that we can buy?

Officially, they say,

they've got enough left
to last into
the middle of next year...

And 5.7's as well?

Including the original 5.7
which we loved.

And you know they recently
reduced the price of the 5.7
to below £30,000?

V8 muscle car
for under £30,000.

Yes. It really is.l.

Definite case of buy now,
while stocks last.

So you made a mistake there.

-You've just gone
and reviewed the wrong car.
-Thank you.

Anyway, listen,
there's a new Honda Civic
coming out very soon

and, um, I've got details
of it over here from Honda.

They say, "For the first time,

"Honda presents a Civic
that challenges the top end
of the compact class.

"A premium sports compact
for the growing sector
in the C segment."

-I don't know,
what you're saying!
-I don't what I'm saying.

Does anybody here
speak Marketing?

It's just some words!

I've got a picture
of the new car here. Okay?

-Hmm!
-Fabulous looking thing.
And from the back,

CLARKSON: Look at those
triangular exhaust pipes.
HAMMOND: I like that.

Now, it's been specifically
designed to look like this,
to frighten old people.

It has cos, you know,
Honda are pathological
about the fact that

only old people
buy their cars?

-Yes.
-The average age of
a Civic buyer is about 130.

At least yeah. Really are.

So, they've done that
so they can write,
"Don't buy this."

I'm so gonna buy
my mother one.

Just to annoy them?

Just to annoy, Honda.

Really unbelievable!

Anyway,
I've got some details of it.

It's £13,000 to 18,000,
same as a Focus.

Same sort of engines
you get in a Focus.

That'll be totally reliable
and it's built in Britain...

which is exactly the kind
of thing old people like.

There we are.

If you're elderly,
that's your next car.

-There it is.
-Have you not got
a map this week?

Oh, yes!
I am the map correspondent
for Top Gear.

Not a map, as such,
but I have been sent this.

It's the...

M4 sights!

M4 sights guide

to find out about everything
you can see from your vehicle
on the motorway.

Mind you, it does say...

Warning!
Do not use while travelling.

Now, the most important
new car of the year, okay?

Is the Aston Martin
V8 Vantage.

No question about that.
And here it is.

CLARKSON: I've driven it.

I've driven it.

What's it like?

Well, unfortunately,
there's an embargo on it.
Okay?

Which means I'm not allowed
to talk about it
until August the 30th.

But we're not on air.

I know, it's a real shame,

cos I really wanted
to talk about the noise.

Cos, honestly it is...

You put your foot down
and there's
this wail from the V8, okay?

Cos there is this

valve in the exhaust,
which I can't mention.

No, I can't tell you this.

When you put your foot down,
hard it flicks open

and you can hear that car
two miles away.

-That's how loud it is!
-I wish, you could have
told us that.

I know. I'm really sorry.

And the other thing
I can't tell you is the ride.
Okay?

Its firm but it's really well
controlled.

Oh, it's like the most...
A fabulous thing.

You see, I would have loved
to have heard that.

I would like to know that.

That's a shame.
You can't tell us how fast
it goes or anything?

No, 175, can't mention that.

You can't tell us that?

No, no sadly not.

I can't wait till the 30th,
when we find out.

I know...

Presumably, um, you're not
allowed to tell us
how much it costs either.

The Hmm.? No.

Actually, I really can't
tell you how much it costs,

cos remember when they said
they were going to do that...

They said it's going to be
the same money as a 911
and that's £60,000.

Then it was 65, 70, 75...
like an auction, God's sake.

Oh! Someone put their hand up!

When we came on air
it was £80,000.
It's probably about 87 now.

And there's
a three year waiting list
for that.

By the time... At the end
of it you'll be paying
half a million dollars.

Ooh, now! Bit of bike news!

There's been talks,
at a high level in government,

of capping the noise
from bike exhausts
at 74 decibels.

-Good.
-That's as bad as loud
as a hairdryer.

It goes even further than

that because what they're
saying is, if you are caught
with a bike louder than that,

the police will be able
to confiscate it.

I'd go further. I'd shoot you
in the middle of your face.

It's just cos you hate bikes.

Just c It isn't. bikes.

It's cos I live on a road
in the Cotswolds
and every weekend,

city boys come out
on their PQRS, TT's...

To ruin it!

A Japanese four-cylinder bike
being revved to about
11,500rpm sounds glorious.

Yes. Triumph three-cylinder
motorcycle engines.

-You don't get that noise
anywhere. Magnificent.
-Growling away.

You told me your bike,
whatever it is,

sounds like you belching.

You did!n't.

You did!

I said the sound
at low res from the exhaust

is like the sound a burp makes
when it's forming.

I don't want to hear
a forming burp
going past my house

on a Sunday afternoon
with someone dressed
like a Power Ranger!

-I don't want that!

I don't.

Don't clap him! He's wrong!

I'm so not wrong!

Actually I'm quite glad,
that you don't like it.

I am actually quite glad
about
this possible legislation,

because I think the bikes
should be slightly
outside the law.

That's what
we ride them to be,
little bit rebellious,

because I don't want you
to like my bike.
I want it to upset you.

Mr Rebel, Mr Easy Rider,
let me ask you
a simple question.

A few years from now...

You've gotI have.ughters.

Some spotty oik turns up
at your house
on a PQRSZ TT, okay?

"I've come to take
your Izzy out!"
What are you going to do?

Ha! Got him!

I'm gonna keep
a big bucket of sand
by the door,

and when I see him
at the door, I'm gonna go...

I'll stick my head in it,

then the problem's gone away.

You don't have to worry,
any more.

You're gonna let a man
on a bike
take your daughter out?

Oh, that's a difficult one.

How about if I turn up
in 10 year's time
to take your Izzy out?

Then on the other side
of the door
I'm gonna have a big bat.

Right.

Because, in 10 year's time,
his daughter's gonna be 14

and you're gonna be 75.

In 20 years, I meant.

That's one of the reasons
why he'd have
to club you with a bat,

probably with a nail in it.

Now, you know I had done
top of the pops the other day?

Oh! Do I know that?

It was the first
time he'd ever done live TV,

and I was there in
my living room
with my Sky Plus on

very record

to catch every humiliating
cock up!

And there weren't any. No, there was

Because
I'm Mr Loc...
Late local radio DJ...

Good job is not live.

Oh, I need to it live!

I'm much better live!
Anyways, the thing is, okay,

while I was doing it,
I noticed that one of the acts
in particular

was absolute rubbish, okay?

They were appalling.

And I was thinking,
when they were banging
the garden furniture together.

I would rather listen
to an exhaust pipe than this.

And that gave me an idea,
okay?

Can you use a car engine
as a musical instrument?

Could you, for instance,
re-record

the theme music for Top Gear
using nothing but engines?

Well, you couldn't,
obviously cos you have
no musical talent whatsoever.

I don't, but he does.

He has...
Old Captain Slow there
has a degree in music.

Actually,
it's absolutely true.

So I decided that I would
take up Jeremy's challenge.

MAY: This is the famous
Top Gear theme tune,

as played by me on
the Casio Song bank keyboard .

And it's my job to collect
all of these notes
onto a recording device

using only car engines
to make the sound.

Now, if you think
this is difficult,
you'd be dead right,

and here's the first problem.

When you run your finger
up the piano keyboard,

like little Richard...

You get a succession
of distinct notes.

MAY: That, I'm afraid,
is just a noise.

So what I've got to do
is listen out
for the exact note I want,

hold it...

And in this Honda S2000
that sounds like a D roughly.

It is, at 4,500rpm.

And then, record it.

So, this calls for
a very good ear

and absolutely
supreme driving skill.

Also, there are quite a lot
of notes
in the Top Gear theme tune,

so we're going to need
quite a lot of cars.

Oh, yes.
We've got thundering V8s,

operatic V6s,

a howling rotary engine,

a booming old vet

and even
a one cylinder dumper truck.

And it's probably
the only time it'll feature
in the same line up as this.

MAY: Yes!
This is the only road test,
I can think of

where a single cylinder
earth mover

is gonna be as much use

as a 420,000 pound
Italian super car.

MAY: The Enzo has a lot going
for it in
a game of Top Trumps.

It will do 220 miles per hour.

It has computers that wouldn't
embarrass a space ship.

And Michael Schumacher
helped to develop it.

But today, we're only
interested in this...

Its six litre V12.

Oh!

I think somewhere in this V12,

we will find the high D
we need for the tune.

Now, let's just have a go.
Hang on.

There it is! There it is!

Placido Domingo,
you're nothing!

MAY: So that's the first
of the notes in the bag.

Now we'll move
to the midrange and sticking
with the Italians,

the rare
and charismatic Alfa SZ.

With its love or hate looks,
the SZ was one of
the most extreme cars

to come out of Italy
in the 90's.

What I remember most, though,

is the thrilling sound
of its three litre engine.

Let's take this lovely V6
up to about 3,500 revs
and we get...

An F.

MAY: The day was a smorgasbord
of trial and error

as the weirdest
musical recording ever devised

slowly took shape.

This is going to work!

MAY: The rotary engine
of the Mazda RX8

delivered the goods
at 9,000 rpm.

C!

MAY: The new Suzuki Swift
looked good in the flesh.

Its four-cylinder engine
gave us a nice B.

And, as an added bonus...

That's an F!

MAY: Now, viewers under 79,
bear with us,

because, to find some
of the lower notes,

we had no choice
but to trundle down
memory lane.

The 1926 Bugatti 35 Type T

came first, second and third
in the Targa Flori.

And the noise from
its 2.3 litre straight 8

would've shaken the teeth
of the shepherds
in the Sicilian hills.

I don't want to come over
all Fred Dibnah,

but this is a sound
you just don't hear any more.

MAY: And, sure enough,
it coughed out a low G.

That just left
a B flat to get.

I'm thinking big.

I'm thinking, actually,
quite brash.

I'm thinking a sort of
Elvis Presley,
in his Las Vegas years.

MAY: The 1966
Corvette Stingray

may have been built
in Kentucky.

But the engine a big block V8

that's a different matter.

It may be a simple old nut,
but it was made in Detroit.

Motown...
They know a thing or two
about music.

Just listen to that.

An A...
straight out of the pipes.

MAY: With all the notes down
on tape,

my next job was to find
a recording studio,

and some boffins who could
shape the engine noises

into the Top Gear tune.

MAN: Yeah?

Nearest me is Don Beacon.

He's a composer.
And to his right is Guy Pratt,

who, amongst other things,
plays bass for Pink Floyd
whilst they're arguing.

MAY: The first thing
the chaps did was to match
all of the engine notes

to a computerised keyboard.

There it is.

Yeah, about there.

But then, they wanted
to fiddle with any notes
that weren't pitch perfect.

Just treat it like you would
treat the vocals of just about
every major pop star,

which is that you have
to go in and get it closer
to the real note.

-So what are you saying
pop stars can't sing?
-No!

No?

No. I'd never dream of it.

MAY: That's all very well.
But my engine notes

weren't the squawkings
of some Pop Idol rejects.

So I insisted they keep
the sound as pure as possible.

The be Yes.gone.

MAY: Eventually, the engines
won over the musicians.

That's very close.

Well, let's go with that.

These cars actually produce
better notes than a lot
of people in the charts today.

And by the end of the day,
we had something.

All I had to do now was
pay them their exorbitant fee.

-Couple of old remainder
Clarkson videos.
-Oh, fantastic!

I have been looking
for these everywhere.

I have peeled of
the reduced 99p stickers.

Um, and, eh,
a ticket to the show. Cheers.

We Just one?ic.

CLARKSON: Well done.
Well done.

Now, just, um...

Let me just clear
something up, if I may.

-You were
genuinely recording notes...
-Yes...

I mean, Bs, Ds and Es,
from engines?

Absolutely, there was
no trickery involved.

That was musical notes
played on cars.

-And you've got
the finished product there?
-I have.

Hamster you gotta come?

Come and listen.
This is the big moment.
I'm not missing this.

Okay. James.

Okay. Play.ady.

What was that?

That was...

What was that?
I have to admit...

I have to admit, okay?
I did actually
hear that yesterday.

And I think It's got worse
in the night!

What's that fart
in the middle?

That's a bit of Bugatti,
but it was running
a bit flat then.

You know those guys in the
recording studio were saying

you know you could
put it in a computer...

You put it in
a computer it goes...

If you'd done that,
we could've got it
in the charts...

He could've introduced it
on top of the pops!

-We could have
been millionaires.
-Exactly.

That would've made me
no better
than Simon Cowell.

-What? Being rich?
-He's got two Rolls-Royces,
man.

No that.

No, what Simon Cowell does
is he takes this fat
talentless shop assistant

and makes her sound
like Barbra Streisand.

But what you've done
is taken a car
and made it sound

like a fat talentless
shop assistant farting!

Exactly! It's awful!

You said make the tune
with exhaust notes.

That's what I did.
I'm a purist.

It was terrible!

I'm sorry. I would like
to apologise to Duane Allman,
who wrote that song.

I know you're dead, Duane,
but we're really sorry.
He did it, okay?

Now we've gotta move on,

cos it's time to put a star
in your reasonably priced car.

My guest this week,
I always thought,
was a Brummie.

And I'm delighted to find out
that, actually, he isn't!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Timothy Spall!

WeHello.

It's an honour!

Cheers. Have a seat!

Now, um, I'm not alone, am I?

I'm not alone in thinking
that you are a Brummie.

I'm sure everybody thought

because of auf Wiedersehen
pet, that you are
a Birmingham person.

Well, I suppose so.
People used to say, "What part
are you from?"

I'd say, I'm from
the south of Birmingham...
in Battersea,

which is quite,

quite a long way away.

It is.

Cos, of course, you are...
I mean, we all know you,
obviously.

We all know you as Barry
from Auf Weidersehen.

But I was looking at what
you've done over the years!

-Yeah, I've...
-Endless,
endless amount of films,

right up to Harry Potter.

With the ears and teeth.

I think I probably win
the prize of
the ugliest character in the,

I don't know.
Michael Gambon's in it.

He'sHe's gorgeous.man.

Well,
I wouldn't sleep with him.

-Wouldn't you?
-No, I've weighed it up
many times,

but I've decided no.

He told me you had.

God. He's always doing that!

Fibber.

And then, most recently,
there's been

a couple of films,
I don't know with Tom Cruise.

Yeah, me and...

Yeah, I've done...

I did The Last Samurai

and I did a film before that,

which nobody understood,
called Vanilla Sky.

No, I loved Vanilla Sky.

Did you?

Great film. Yeah.
I loved that.

You must get on okay,
if you did two films with him.

He's a Is he? guy.

He's a really nice guy. Yeah.

He's more into aeroplanes
than cars.

He's got
an American fighter plane

from the Second World War.

That's what
he gets his kicks from.

Well, it's easy for Tom Cruise
to have fighter planes.

-Most of us have to
make do with cars.
-Yeah. Yeah.

That's the way it works.
Now, um...

The one thing I'm always
baffled by when guys like you
come on the show

and Gambon and Patrick Stewart
for that matter,

and other actors
whom we've had.

All those other mincers.

All those other amazing actors
we've had over the years.

You always assumes thesps

aren't gonna be interested
in cars.

But you are, aren't you?

Yeah, well...
Do you assume they get

get into their carriages
in their velvet cloaks
and fedoras?

I can see them sitting
sort of,

whole Daniel Day
Lewis thing...

Bring the phaeton around.

Exactly!

But you're just another one
that does like your cars.

I love them. Yeah, I suppose,
I mean, cars are...

They are all
different characters

and they say
something to you.

It's not a technical thing
for you. Is it?

It's not like Gambon,
he really likes how they work

and sits and fiddles and

makes things work.

I don't know how they work.

When I had my first car,
which was a Vauxhall Viva,
my wife and I...

She said... She gave me a can
and said,

"Put that in the car."
It was a tin of anti-freeze.

She meant put it in the boot.

I took the cap off the engine
and poured it inside
the engine.

Poured it in and put
it back on.

So that blew
the Viva to pieces?

No, it survived!

It was another one
of my cars.
All the cars I hate

survive.
and all the cars I love die.
I don't know why.

So you're a proper man
who doesn't read instructions.

No, I can't. No, no.

It took me 11 hours to put up
Barbie's Horse Box.

No, I don't know. I'm scared.

I mean I don't know,
anything
about mechanical things.

I'm genuinely interested,
cos I've looked back

at the cars you've had
over the years,

and it seems to alternate
between really truly,
terrible cars...

-The Nissan Prairie
has popped into my head.
-Yes. Yes.

And then, almost immediately,

something really cool...

-Rover Coupe,
whatever, old Jags.
-Yeah.

What goes on?
Why do you do that?

Well, I think I have outbursts

of uncharacteristic
sensibleness.

And I'm in denial that
I have serious car fever.

Because if
I've got something boring,
I get like a fever,

I get like a disease,
a compulsion

to go out and buy something
that I really fancy, you know.

So, what have you had
that's good?

Never forget the Prairies
and Cavaliers and so on...

Well, I had a 1962 S type Jag,
which was very nice.

Spoke wheels and everything.

You replaced that with a...

I think with a...
with a, Volvo 240.

You see? It's like...

Ooh...
No, I don't like this.

Also, it's...

It's fiscally conditioned.

Sometimes, you have
a good year,
sometimes you have a bad

I know. That's true.

But aren't people surprised
when they see you
in really rubbish cars?

Yeah, I was sitting not far
from my house, outside a shop.

And a bloke stopped
in the corner
and said, "Oi, Tim!"

I said, "Yes?" And he said,

"You can do better than that,
can't you?"

And that was a what?
Nissan...

I think it was
a Nissan Poopy or something.

They all are. They all are.

Now, you and Jimmy Nail,
obviously from
Auf Weidersehen.

-Yeah.
-Didn't you talk about
a classic car dealership?

-At one point.
-We talked about it but we
weren't gonna sell them.

We were gonna have about ten,
sit in there

and admire them and then
take a different ride in one
home every night.

-That was bad business then
really good job...
-I think it would have been...

Yes. We wouldn't have
done much business.

I'd like to see someone
complain that Jimmy Nail left
the car and it went wrong.

He wouldn't have been
complaining for long.
No, he wasn't, uh...

He can get people
to clear off with a look.

And of course now
you're here.

Here I am. For my sins.

How did it go on the track?

Well, I don't know. I...

After I got past the sort of
brown factor of this...

-Did I see the Stig taking
you out in a Monaro earlier?
-Yes, that was very brown.

Did it go...
At any point, was it going?

Yes. It seemed to be going
sideways at 150mph.
I didn't know. How can you...

How can you be going
this fast not being
in the air? I don't know.

It's... I was thinking
that that car,

they should fit windscreen
wipers on the side windows.

Is it just always...

And on the seats!

-Oh! It's a great car.
-I know that.
It's a great car.

So then it was Liana
and you were okay?

Yes. As I say, I was very
determined. It's funny because
I didn't think I'd be...

I wanted to take it serious.
I was really determined
to get it right.

I felt a bit flash but then
I thought I've seen other
people in it,

they look like tossers so,
I thought

I'd probably look like king of
the wallyburger myself so...

Well, shall we have a look?
AUDIENCE: Yes.

-Let's have a look at the old
lap see what you look like.

JEREMY:
Here it is. Smoking start.

JEREMY: Slightly close to
your gear change there.
TIMOTHY: Oh yeah.

JEREMY: It's okay, though,
you didn't break it,
it's still working.

TIMOTHY: Making a funny noise
though, at one point.

JEREMY: No, that's
its normal noise.
TIMOTHY: Is it?

-JEREMY: That's the sound of
a 106-brake horsepower.

That's nice and tidy,
nothing wrong with that.

-Brake.
-Brake, yes, you do have to
for Chicago.

JEREMY: Clipped that
perfectly.

TIMOTHY:
I do look like a Wally.

-You don't, this is good.
Yeah.
-Is it?

Hammer head.

We learnt last week with
Mark Webber to go wide here

whi TIMOTHY: All right.done.

Come on! Come on.

JEREMY: Settling down...

TIMOTHY: It looks ill.

-TIMOTHY: That was nice.
-That was flat but good.

Quick through there, yeah.

Nice little drift,
missed the grass.

Last corner, it's too wide!

He's gone wrong, oh no! Oh no!

-And across the line!

JEREMY: Ah, well.

So there you go.

There's your predecessors.
Where do you reckon you are
in that lot?

I really don't know.

-Down near the bottom
somewhere.
-No, no, no.

You did better than that.
In fact I reckon, If you
hadn't had

that last corner problem
you'd have done very well.

You actually did it
in one minute 51.1 seconds.

And that is right the way...

That means you are as quick as
Ranulph Fiennes.

The explorer.

-I bet he's quicker across
the North Pole than me.
-Yeah.

I'm looking to see
if you're quicker than Gambon.

-Have you done the next
Harry Potter film together?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where did he come?
Oh! Ho ho ho ho!
Next time you see him,

-just four seconds, mate.
Four seconds.
-Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's
been a huge pleasure, having
you here. Timothy Spall!

Right. Now, over the course of
this series, we've been
engaged on a quest to find

the greatest driving song
of all time. And,

over two million of you
have been voting for this,
our final shortlist of five.

Tonight, we have the results,
which we'll announce
in reverse order.

Right, in fifth place is the
head-banger's favourite,
Deep Purple, Highway Star.

In fourth place, the biker's
anthem, Steppenwolf,
Born To Be Wild.

In third place,

-mercifully, some nonsense
from Meat Loaf.

-Which means?
-Which means, it's down
to the wire.

Between Golden Earring
and Radar Love, and Queen
and Don't Stop Me Now.

And the winner.
What did you say?

AUDIENCE: Queen.

The winner as voted by you,

the greatest driving song
of all time,

-is Queen!

JEREMY: It's Queen.

You were right.

Absolutely fabulous.
Now, of course, we did
have an award made.

-But then we ran into
a bit of a problem.
-We did, because you see

Brian May, the guitarist
says he doesn't like that song
so we couldn't give it to him.

Freddie Mercury's
sort of dead.

We couldn't remember
the other bloke's name
so couldn't go to him.

That just left the drummer
who in accordance with EU
rock star regulations,

was floating around
the Med on his yacht.

In a moment, we're going
to present Roger Taylor

with this
Greatest Driving Song trophy,

which we've purchased
for the princely sum of
699 pence.

The only slight problem is,

the local engraver is a bit
rubbish frankly,

and he's left the "don't"
out of "Don't Stop Me Now."

For crying out loud.

Rog Yeah?lor.

On behalf of Top Gear,
I'd like to present you
with this

Greatest Driving Song
In The World Ever award.

It's to you and the other
members of Queen for uh,
Stop Me Now.

I'm sorry it's such a
poor quality trophy.

No, no, no. Don't say that.
Actually do.

We'll treasure this forever
and it will go into our
enormous gong cupboard,

and thank you on behalf
of the band.

Thank you so much.
And thank you to your viewers.

I should explain those girls
on the boat were his daughters

-so don't get the wrong idea
there, please.

Now, I've got a question.
Okay?

What is the best-selling car
in the whole world?
Any thoughts?

You?

MAN: Honda Jazz.

Honda Jazz?

Honda Jazz.
What do you reckon?

Ford Mondeo.
Ford Mondeo's not even close,
not even close.

What? Toyota Corolla.

Toyota Corolla,

is the best-selling car over
a period of 50 years.

I'm talking about the best
selling car right now.
Any thoughts?

Golf?

Golf? Golf?

Actually, you what?

Chevrolet Matiz.

The Chevrolet Matiz?

No?

There aren't that many
lunatics in the world to be
able to sell enough of those.

It's actually a Daewoo Matiz,
Do try to concentrate.

It's a Chevrolet Matiz.

It's not a Chevrolet.

Just because they've tossed
the word Daewoo out

and written Chevrolet
on the back doesn't make it
What's your name?

-Gary.
-Gary I'm going to call you
Jeremy from now on.

Is that your name?

No, it isn't.

Actually, it is
a trick question there.

Because, the best-selling car
in the world,
isn't really a car.

Yep, it's this, the Ford F150.

As you can see,
it's not a car at all.

What it is,
is a business phenomenon.

There are more F-series Ford
pick-up trucks in the world
than there are Australians.

They sell nearly a
million of these every year.

That's 107 an hour.

It's not like the old
Volkswagen Beetle
or Toyota Corolla.

It's not sold all over
the world.

They sell 107
an hour only in north America.

That means somebody's buying
one now and now
and now and now,

24 hours a day,
seven days a week,
365 days a year.

And here's the thing,

we buy American fried chicken,
we buy their fizzy beverages,

we buy their TV shows
and their music. We even buy
into their wars.

But we don't buy
their pick-up trucks.

Why is that?

Well, it's not cheap. £33,000.

But for that, you do get
a right-hand drive conversion,

cruise control,
air conditioning,

keyless entry, a CD player
and something called

"preferred suede trim".

It's the pioneering
wild west spirit with
a pioneer stereo.

And then there's the engine.

This lightning model has
the same supercharged 5.4 V8
that you get in the Ford GT.

That means,
380 brake horsepower,

and that means
naught to 60 in 5.8 seconds.

This thing, this leviathan,
this American god

will outrun a Porsche Boxster!

Ho ho ho!
It sounds like a jet engine.

And it feels like
it's being fuelled by

George Thorogood
and every single one
of his Destroyers.

So I ask again,
why don't we buy it?

Well, most people who go for
walk in the American
countryside

are eaten by a bear.

So they need a car
with a gun rack.

Top of the morning!

But most people who go
for a walk in the English
countryside,

aren't eaten by a bear.

So they don't.

In America, everyone dreams
of being a frontiersman

out in the open
in a covered wagon.

Whereas we don't
really have that dream.

You see, right now,
I'm driving through
a tiny village,

very rural, miles from
any big city.

If this were America,
it'd be full of people doing

whatever it is they do.

Incest mostly.

But this is different.

You see, within a spit
of where I am now, you've got

Madonna, Guy Ritchie,
Hugh Grant, Liz Hurley,

Kate Moss, Kate Winslet,
Gwyneth Paltrow,
Anne Robinson,

Rory Kinnear and me.

We want the fields,

but we don't want to be too
far from a skinny latte with
a dash of extra espresso.

Only in America when you want
some logs for the fire,

you load your truck up
with chainsaws and head off
to the forest.

What we do is go to the shops.

JEREMY: Traditional breads.
Yeast-free wholewheats.

Unbleached white sourdough,
100% Rye Bread, not blended
with wheat, Soda Bread.

I really want ciabatta...

Carrot and parsley bread,

poppy seed bread...

Look at the choice of
things I have here.

Oh, that's handy.
We're lounging by the pool.

You could hang that
on your front door
for visitors.

Some foie gras, thanks.

-You've got no
flying fish wasabi. Yeah?
-Sold out.

Liz Hurley's been in, has she?

Okay, I've got my groceries,

I've got my scented logs,
actually

and I'm particularly pleased
with um,

these, you want to
guess what they are?

-You wanna guess
what they are?
-Um, they look like acorns.

£11 this bag costs, look,
11 quid.

Uh, candles? No idea then.

No.

Firelighters, so you don't
get the smell of paraffin
on your fingers.

Do they work?

No idea. No idea.

But the point is that I have
everything here that I need,

to exist
in the British countryside.

To be honest, it doesn't
really fill a pickup truck.

There are some other things
too like the truck
is rather thirsty,

and quite large for our roads.

And you can't take it off-road
and into our countryside
partly because

Mr Blair would rather
you didn't,

partly because it doesn't have
four-wheel drive,

and partly because
you might scratch the paint.

There are several small
reasons why we don't need
a pick-up truck like this.

Then there's the main one.
It's rubbish.

The worst car I ever drove
was a Russian Jeep
in Saigon in Vietnam,

and the critical world
in that sentence is "was."

This is actually made using
technology that would be
instantly familiar

to any 19th century
tunnelling contractor.

It has a ladder-chassis
for instance, which is made
from old shovels.

The brake discs meanwhile
are the size of
milk bottle tops.

Then there's the interior.

We'll start with
the simple stuff.
Look at this dashboard.

Nothing fits. Nothing matches.

There are huge gaps
everywhere.

And, because it's
classified as a truck,

it doesn't have to pass
the safety tests,
that a car has to pass.

I mean when you've got
380 brake horsepower,

it's nice to feel that
the steering wheel is actually
connected to the front wheel

but look! Look at that!

How can it be this bad?

* And did those feet in

This pick-up then does not
work in Britain because
we're just too sophisticated.

I'd like to think that
we've gone beyond
this barn door engineering.

That in our world of
espresso coffee

and zinc-top kitchen surfaces,

the pick-up truck is some...
Hang on a minute!

He's nicked my firelighters!
Oh!

Oh dear.

That is the biggest problem
with this car. It really is.

-That is its biggest problem.
-All your stuff's
gonna get nicked out the back.

The other one of course
is you know those...

Those late-night Channel 5
police-crash things?

Someone always in
a pickup truck,
they always roll it over.

And now I know why.
The driver has
no control!

Well, yeah. It's because
there's absolutely no weight
over the rear wheels,

and that's where
all the power is at.

Basically, it gives you
a pretty good idea of what
it'd be like in a barrel

-rolling down a hill.
-I know, I know.
And look at the roof!

-Oh, you can't.

There's one other issue
as well.

To understand that,
we have to go
to the Cool Wall!

Over we go!

Here it is.

Here it is, without
a question, or shadow
of doubt,

it goes there in "uncool"
and that's an end of it.

This is the Mercedes A-Class,
the new one, which is
a very good car.

No it's awful.

No it's not awful.
It's very good.
Don't argue with that.

Is it cool or not?

Not at all.

Not cool? Not cool?

No.

No? Why not?

It's a Mercedes.

No, you see,
that is a Mercedes, right?

That we're coming to
in a minute. That is cool.
That's a CLS. Is that cool?

Big Mercedes are cool.

-What?
-I'll roll some sense
into you!

The problem with this is.

And there is a problem.

There is a big problem.
Is that one day, you're be
at a party,

talking to someone
with an SL65.

They are going to go,
"I've got a Mercedes"
and you'll have to say...

-Yeah, I've got one too.
-"Good, I can use yours
as a chalk for mine!"

Very cool, sir...

Which brings us on to this.

This is a cool car.

Big Mercedes are cool.
Small ones aren't.

Ah, so now he's starting
to put a size thing.

I mean, I know bigger things
are cooler than smaller things
that is for sure.

We reall Yes.like this.

What we really like is
when it's black,

and its got the Brabus
big wheels on it.

-And I saw one the other day
with Danish numberplates...
-Eh?

It was really cool. Oh yeah.

Danish numberplates?

-Danish is cool.
-Danish plates are cool.
Why is that?

Nobody wants an opinion
on that so we can shove it
there without any argument.

Now, Porsche Boxster.
What do we think of that?

Very cool.

Very cool? How wrong you are!

What do you think?
Why is it cool?

-Because, I think I'd look
good in it. Yeah.
-You'd look good in it?

You'd look ridiculous in it,
I'm sorry to say.

No, the real problem with this
is simple.

It's an uncool car,
that's a given.

-This week, it became,
really seriously uncool.
-Yeah.

-James Mays just ordered one.
So it goes down here.
-Sorry.

Three cars, the ones we drove
in Iceland.

The cabriolets. These we
established are all ones
that have been converted

to make into cabriolets
from coupes.

-Audi TT. Okay, that's
for stockbrokers.
-It is.

Chrysler Crossfire that...

What did you say?

Sub-zero! Sub-zero...

What?

Do you know what?
I think he's right, actually.
The Chrysler's...

-Fiona Bruce would like.
-Oh! Get off.
Look at it.

It's got old bits sticking
all over it. It looks like
a pantomime dame of a car.

I'm allowed. Just because your
doctor said!

-It's cool. Now,
this on the other hand,
-This...

Where's your Audi TT gone?

That's there.

Because that is
for stockbrokers, right?
And your this one,

I can't. I can't...

Has anyone got one of these
Datsuns with a Renault engine?

WOMAN: I've got a TT.

Ooh!

Where's the TT driver?
Where are you?

It's fantastic.

-Why do you like it?
-It goes well, it's got good
road holding.

No, no. Is it cool though.

It is exceedingly cool.

-Sadly, you should've bought
a Crossfire.
-No.

No..

Yes, yes, yes. I've
got the microphone,
I've got the microphone now.

You feel free to chat away
to yourself. That is now
seriously uncool down there.

Do you know, I know we're
tight for time.

I can't go home tonight
and leave that there.
I won't be able to sleep.

It's not right.

You can't! I mean, you can't
surely. This is...

I'll give you that
if you'll give me this
as uncool.

-I love it, but I'll give you
it as uncool.
-Thank you very much!

So that's that. Trade-off.

-What've you got next? Nothing
-What are you looking
like that for?

What've you got next?

I've got the BMW...

I've got the BMW 3 series.

Looks like a Nissan!

Looks like a Nissan!

-It doesn't look
like a Nissan.

-It looks like 15 feet
of car.
-It is. It's just some car.

Some car? I'm sorry.
Do you know what?

First time ever...

Can't be bothered.

Can't be bothered

to put it on the board.

It's... It's just some car.

It is "mild cheddar".

It's a lump of car.

That's what it is.

It's the holiday season.
Thousands of people go
to Spain to relax.

Well, I went there,
for a different reason.

The Spanish love
a good festival.

And the most famous
of all, is the Bull Run
at Pamplona.

Every year, people come
from all over the world

to run through these streets,
while being chased
by angry bulls.

Unsurprisingly, it's not safe.

Last year, 16 runners
were gored by bulls' horns.

The year before,
someone actually died.

Only idiots take part.

So here I am. They dress you
in white, give you
a neckerchief, but it's okay,

I feel safe, because.
I've got a newspaper.

In truth, I won't be using
my newspaper to batter
rampaging boy-cows.

Inside, it's got a secret
camera so you can catch
the action from ground level.

At 8 o'clock sharp,
20 tonnes of very rare meat
is unleashed.

The bulls are on the road.
I need to start moving.
The panic is starting...

God, I can feel
the ground moving.

Oh, my God...
This is terrifying?

People are just tearing
to get away.

Christ, they're there.
Look! Look!

It's amazing!
People on the floor.

This may look pointless,
but there is reason behind it.

On the Bull Run,
your adrenaline
levels double...

Your heart rate triples.
The excitement
and danger release

a torrent of chemicals
that give you a massive,
primeval high.

Jesus!

That was close!

I think that's it.

It's the caveman running
from the sabre-toothed tiger.

And once human beings
get that fix,

they'll go looking for it
again.

If there's any machine
capable of doing the job,
it should be this.

The Lamborghini
Murcielago Roadster.

Now, there are several
good reasons for bringing
this car to test.

At the Pamplona Bull Run.

Firstly, there's
the excitement.

Then, obviously, there's
the Lamborghini badge,

which is a bull.

And then there's the name
of the car, Murcielago,
that's a Spanish word.

And it actually means "bat".

Obviously.

Now, just like running
from an angry hunk
of sirloin steak,

there's plenty about this car
to keep your pulse
in treble figures.

Firstly, there's the way
this thing looks at speed
on the road.

I mean, look at it.

You see, the roadster is 7cms
lower then the hard-top.

And that wasn't exactly
a Range Rover to start with.

So now, it looks
like a missile.

And then there's the price.

£190,000.

Obviously there's also
the speed.

By using engineering
witchcraft,

the Roadster comes out
at the same weight
as the hard-top.

So it's not slow.

Naught to 60 in 3.8 seconds.

A top speed of 205mph.

That'd be great in
some lightweight, track-day
Porsche thing.

But in this,

which is as wide as
a suspension bridge
and weighs nearly two tonnes.

It's unbelievable!

If that sort of speed
scares you,

there's one sure-fire way
of slowing things down.

There is an emergency roof
to be used

in case of sudden downpour.

The only problem with that is,
sudden downpours tend to be,
quite, well, sudden.

This goes in... Here.

It No.n't...

After five minutes,
all I'd succeeded in doing
was attracting a crowd.

So I recruited some help
in my textbook Spanish.

Have you ever put the roof,
on a Lamborghini or Roadster?

Right, this is the roof
itself.

Uh, yes! Can somebody...
Can you go on the other side?

There. I give that to you...

I think we need to go down
and up...

No, we can't do that.

May I help you?

-Yes Have you got
one of these?
-No.

That's not working at all
for me.

If you've got Naomi Campbell
in the passenger seat which is
entirely possible

it's pouring down with rain
and you're 20 minutes!

Okay, let's just call
that done.

580 it is. And,
as you can see,
it now has the roof on.

-There it is, 200 grand.
-MAN: I think the only problem
is the roof.

The roof, then, is a classic
Italian-supercar-afterthought.

It's rubbish.

Fortunately, the Murcielago
redeems itself with details
which are quite exquisite.

Look at those wheels.
They're a unique design
for the Roadster.

Even the carbon-fibre
lattice work across
the engine-bay

is a work of art.

As a whole,
this car is a thing of beauty.

But let's not forget
what the Lambo is about.

It's a bull run.

This...

Is just so exciting!

Every sense is tingling!

I haven't felt this alive
since this morning,
when I was chased by a bull.

But it's an unusual
kind of day.

The acceleration
is shattering.
It comes from no revs at all.

If I change from third
to fourth at speed,

the traction control
has to step in.

It still want to spin
all four wheels!

What's so great about
the Murcielago Roadster is
that it delivers

all these thrills, without
the spills.

By now, I should be
talking to you from up a tree.

Or via a seance.
Lamborghinis of old
were terrifying.

This car, with its four-wheel
drive and traction control,

feels like it's been
built in a lab,
rather than a shed.

The amount of grip is simply
mind-boggling.

Corners just rush up one
after another, and you tear
round them,

and then the next one's
on you.

And it just eats them up!

It just demands more and more
and more.

What I love about this car
is that it sounds and feels
and looks brutal and scary,

but in truth, it won't
eat you alive.

It's like being back on
the Bull Run.

Only they've got corks
on their horns.

Engineers today spend
a lot of time trying to
separate us

from the noise and mechanics
of what's actually going on.

Not so this time.
This still presses all
the right caveman buttons.

This is still a Lambo.

It's what you might call
a rare breed.

It was awesome.

Now, then...

That Lambo, or
the Pagani Zonda?

Oh, that's a question I hope I
never had to answer for real.

It would be the Lam,
the Lambog... The Pag...
The Lampagani...

Oh, come on, you
know it'd be the Zonda.

-Yeah, well... Yeah...
-It's twice the price
but it just would.

Actually, there's one bit of
that film I wanna see again.

It's you in the cow run.
Okay? In slow motion...

Here's Hammond.
See the big bloke coming up
behind him, grabs him,

and pulls him
into the path of a cow's horn!

I would quite like to meet him
again. To be honest.

We've got a close-up
of his face, which I'd like
to show to you now.

There he is. If you're
watching the show tonight,
do please get in touch,

because I'd like to give you
some money.

And on that bull sell,
it's time to end.

And that means, of course,
we can be played out on my
exhaust-notes theme tune.

No, it's horrible!

On the basis it's the
end of the series

and we won't be around
to answer the complaints,

I suppose we could do that.

I hope you've enjoyed
watching the series as much as
we've enjoyed making it.

See you in the autumn.
Thanks very much. Good night!