Top Gear (2002–…): Season 6, Episode 10 - Episode #6.10 - full transcript

JEREMY CLARKSON:   Tonight, James May   thinks he's a racing driver.

(LAUGHING)

Richard Hammond   thinks he's Jesus.

And I think I'm going to be killed.

Hello and welcome!

Now, we have very strict rules  about what is  and what is not allowed

on our track.

And this week,  um, we're ignoring them.

Here's the rule breaker.

It appears to be   a normal BMW 5 Series

until you start it up.



(ENGINE STARTS)

Yes, Lucifer has come   to our little world   of milk and petrol.

For the first time ever, we have a diesel on our track.

Why? Well, BMW say  that the diesel engine  in this car

is not just more economical  than the equivalent  petrol engines,

but more powerful as well.

They say it'll get you from naught to 60 in six seconds.

And that it's so fast   at the top end, they've   had to peg it back to 155.

That sounds like a bold claim.

So to see if it really is possible,

I had to come on to our 1.7-mile runway,

carrying as much speed   as I possibly could.

Let's find out.

Yes, that's so much, we've lost the camera.



That's got it.

Oh! At 50 mph, foot hard down.

It doesn't feel electric.

But it is relentless.

Ninety-five...

A hundred...

That Jag diesel I drove around the Nurburgring,

all of the power from that  came in one big lump.

And then, well,  you're out revs at 4000.

This revs right up to 5,000.

One hundred and twenty!

One hundred and twenty five! Come on, come on!

Come on! That's 140!

Come on! 145 miles an hour.

I'm running out of runway!

There is no doubt in my mind this is a 155-mph car.

(LAUGHS)

So how have they managed such a remarkable feat?

Obviously, I appreciate  that lots of you

aren't going to be  particularly interested.

So, on the left-hand side  of the screen now,

we have some fluffy kittens  for you to look at.

Okay, now,

anyone can make  a big 3-litre diesel engine  like that,

produce a lot of power,  you just give it a big turbo.

But if you do that,  you have a lot of turbo lag.

Put your foot down, nothing, and then it girds its loins and then you go.

What BMW have done is given it  a small turbo, no lag,

and then as the revs build,  a big turbo kicks in.

So it's got, like,  two turbo chargers  a little one, a big one.

Can you imagine going out  for dinner with the man  who thought of that?

Of course, a diesel engine   has to be made from steel,

which means it's going to be heavy.

So to stop the front   of the car from sagging,

BMW have had to toughen up the suspension.

The thing is though, this big heavy engine and altered suspension

haven't affected  the handling unduly.

Bit of a pudding, but what big saloon car isn't?

There's more good news too.

At less than £40,000,   this is 10% cheaper

than the equivalent   petrol model.

And obviously,   it's cheaper to run as well.

After half a day   and a hundred miles   on the track,

we found it had done 12 miles   to the gallon.

I know that sounds terrible,   but out here, doing this,   it's not bad at all.

And then there's the question   of noise.

At 70 mph, a petrol-powered  V8 5 Series BMW,

and I know  because I've tested this,  is producing 70 decibels.

So, using this health and safety-ometer here,

let's find out how noisy the diesel is.

Let's just build it up to 70.

I'm going to  have to shut up now  to get a reading.

Here we go.

(WHISPERS)  That's amazing.  That's only 66 decibels.

(WHISPERS)  This is actually  a little bit quieter.

The news just keeps getting   better and better.

The 535 V is cheaper to buy   than the petrol version,   cheaper to run,

quieter, as far as I can tell, and just as competent in the bends.

But now it's time to answer   the big one.

Round our track,   could this diesel keep up

with its petrol-powered brother?

And this is the full banana,   the 4.5-litre V8.

So, what do we think?

The petrol car has more bhp, it's a bit lighter

and it has the Stig  at the wheel.

The diesel will have  me at the wheel,

but it has 416 torques.

That's 80 more torques than this has.

It's actually 50 more  than you get  from a Ferrari 360.

Here we go.

My foot's welded   to the floor here

and you can see,   the petrol car has roared off   to an early lead.

Oh, both slithering  a bit here.

Come on, you big pudding!

He's just got   so much more power   coming out of that corner,

even though   I've got all the torque.

Oh! Nearly got him there, though.

He's gone a bit wide there.

If I can get through   on the inside...

Come on!

Whoa! Fish-tailing!  I don't need that.

This is good.

This is relentless and smooth  and amazing for a diesel,

but it just lacks  the crispness  and the electric response

that you get  from a petrol car.

And so, is the new diesel   really as fast as the V8?

Well, here's the finish line.

And here's the answer.

No.

Hang on. Did you really say 12 miles to the gallon?

-I did. Yes. Yes.  -In a diesel.

-Right. -The track is a thirsty place.

-Remember the Ford GT?  -Yes.

-Four miles to the gallon.  -That's true.

And a new record was set  the other day with  the Mitsubishi Evo 8 FQ400.

-Yeah.  -3.6 miles to the gallon.

-Ouch. -Anyway, forget the economy, not important.

What I want to know is how fast this will go round our track when it's dry,

and when it's got a Stig at the wheel.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Right. Away he goes,   tyres smoking

under the mighty force   of all those torques.

Down to the first corner.

How's it going to look through there?

Ooh. A bit of under steer   on the way in.

Doesn't sound too sporty,   but looking pretty neat   so far.

Ah, yes.   Stig particularly happy today

because he's been given the new album by Camel.

This car is so quiet,   he can hear every last   noodly synth styling.

He's into the Hammerhead.

Heavy diesel engine   could mean   serious under steer.

No, Stig's taken the tail out.

Look at  the inside tyres smoking!

This car could really do   with a limited-slip diff.

Here's the follow through.

Yeah. Lots of composure   through there.

Looking quite   unspectacular, actually.

Probably being   quite economical, though.

Two corners left.

Here we go. Last one.   That's very good.

Dragged round   by the anvil in the nose.

Slithering in to Gambon   and across the line.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

I have the time.

I have the time.

And... It is?

I have the time here  and it is,

1 minute 31.8.

Hey. That's very good!

That's the same  as a Nissan 350,  that thing you like.

-That Datsun  with a Renault engine.  -Yeah. It's a very nice car.

Same as a Mazda RX8.

A diesel is faster  than a Focus RS.

I am now officially going to shoot myself.

And so, to the news.

Now, if you go  into a dealership these days

to buy a new car,  you'll probably get  something free thrown in

like a sun roof  or some alloy wheels

or something like that,  but anyway it's all rubbish,

because Proton  who make the Gen-2,

have come up  with the best  special offer ever.

Well, you need a special offer  with a Gen-2.

It's brilliant.  It's free dual controls.

-Like they have at driving schools? -Yeah.

-Extra peddles and stuff.  -Yeah.

And it's great,  'cause if you go on  a long journey with a mate,

you can share the driving.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Think how much fun you could have  with dual controls!

Every speed camera...

(IMITATES REVVING) "Sorry, mate."

-And who do they prosecute?  -When the policeman comes.

CLARKSON: Who was driving?

Both of us.

That's just breathtaking.  How much is it?

Well, it's £8,795,  which is reasonably cheap.

The best thing about it is,  you can get one of those  with a £1 deposit.

-A quid? I want one!  -We should have one of those.

And you know  the car roster thing,

we all have to come down here,  share cars to come down here  when we do the show.

Put him in the driver seat and the Stig in the passenger seat.

I'd pay a lot of money  to see his face  when he got to work that day.

(SCREAMS)

"He made me go 60!"

(ALL LAUGHING)

The other week,  we decided that convertibles

are best when they're built from scratch as a convertible,

rather than just sawing  the roof off an ordinary car.

Well, this is  the new Astra convertible  from Vauxhall.

They say it's been  built from the ground up  as a convertible.

How do you design it from not the ground up?

If you start from the top,  you might start here  and then it would be too low.

You'd never get it here.

If you're designing a car,  here's a tip,  always start from the bottom.

That's a Top Gear--top tip.

And don't start too near the left-hand side of the paper,

or otherwise, you'll end up  with a really ugly back.

How much is it?

£17,000. Goes on sale in spring.

You can get  the two-litre turbo engine.

-That would be  the most powerful...  -CLARKSON: Oh, not the VXR!

No, it's one of the SR,  but it's still pretty barmy.

So, yes, if you like  wind in your hair  and frantic torque steer,

that's the way forwards  for you.

I think it looks  brilliant, actually.

Yeah, now look.

You know now we've got  speed cameras to catch  us speeding?

Yes.

You know all the hair-dryers  they used to use  in the olden days, yeah?

-RICHARD HAMMOND: What, the radar ones? -Yeah, the radar ones.

-Do you know what they're doing with them now? -Throwing them away.

No, it's not like  the law enforcement agaencies  are busy at the moment,

to be honest, but anyway,

they were out and about  the other day catching  people speeding on the river.

What?

Well, the speed limit  we were told  is 7.4 kilometres an hour.

-What's that, four and a half?  -Walking pace.

I could swim faster than that.

They're going to be prosecuting Poohsticks.

That stick is speeding.

It's this obsession  everybody's got now that speed kills.

It doesn't. Speed has never killed anyone.

Suddenly becoming stationary,  that's what gets you.

-That's the killer.  -That will do it.

Yeah.

Now, I don't know  if you're aware of this,  but I am officially

Top Gear's--map correspondent  --it seems to have turned out.

-Every week.  -Every week?

I don't know  how this happened.

But every week, I'm sent a map.

This week's map is this one.

And somebody has decided to send this,

because they claim that it is untearable.

-CLARKSON: Rubbish!  -No!

-I could tear it.  -I've seen that one coming.

So I've given you...  There you go.

It's untearable, apparently, can't be done.

HAMMOND: You see... Look. JAMES MAY: That's true.

It says, "No biting."

Yeah, well...  It's aimed at bikers,  so that's what...

(CHOMPS)

They are waterproof as well, which I think is quite a good idea.

That's actually excellent  on a bike, a waterproof map.

Precisely, 'cause if you've  ever tried to use a soggy one  on a bike,

I think that is actually  quite a good idea.

I know the one in my car gets mangled.

What are you doing?

CLARKSON:  I'm just seeing if...

Yeah, you can burn the map.

So you can't tear it,  but you can burn it.

That's my map!

I wanted to keep that!

I'm covered in molten plastic.

And it's stuck to the sole  of your...

What am I going to do  if I want to go...

-That's Birmingham!  -CLARKSON: It was.

Birmingham's gone.

You've completely ruined it. Right. What's next?

Hey, hey,  you know those old radiators

that you used to get  in schools and hospitals,  those old Victorian ones?

-Big cast-iron ones?  -Yeah the ones  that actually work.

You know what I'm talking about.

Audi has decided to put  one of those on the front  of its next car.

(HAMMOND EXCLAIMS)

HAMMOND: Look at that!

MAY: That is a radiator. HAMMOND: It is. It's enormous.

It is. Other things you can  get on it are a chimney,  mullioned windows,

horse brasses,  it's got a cellar.

HAMMOND:  That's not a tree behind it.  It's got a thatched roof.

I know what the engine  is as well, it's an Aga.

Have you got any proper facts on it for us, Jeremy?

-Uh, no. -Right.

All they're saying is this might be the next Audi all-road,

which was the stupidest car  ever, the last one.

I never got that.

Well, it was an Audi estate  that was little bit taller  and massively more expensive.

What was that all about?

Somebody tell somebody  in a boardroom at Audi  somewhere, "That is hideous."

--It is. Oh, now,   Top Gear--survey.

Yes. Very, very important.  This is the biggest survey  of its kind.

Last year, we had 54,000 people,

you or you people,  responding to it.

Yeah. It's critical  because you tell us

what the cars are like to own,  how often they go wrong  with the dealers,

and everything like that.

And then, we compile all the information and pass it on.

So it's very critical  that you get in touch  with us on this.

It is. And there are rules, though.

Your car has to be registered  between 2002 on an 02 plate,

and 2004 on a 53 plate, that's very important.

And it's very easy to do as well, you go onto the interweb site,

then you click buttons, easy.

Yes. Please do that. It was the biggest survey in the world last year.

It's worthwhile, join in.

The other week we, well, bored the pants off everybody, frankly.

We did a beautiful, but dull test of some cabriolets in Iceland.

-Did you see it?  -BOTH: Yeah.

It was dreary, wasn't it?  We got it into our heads

that if we talked  about the Nissan 350Z

and the Chrysler Crossfire  for long enough,  they'd become interesting.

-Which they didn't.  -No.

No. Not at all.

So we were so embarrassed,  in fact, that I was sent back  to Iceland

and told I couldn't  come home until I'd filmed  something better.

This is Iceland's idea of a jeep.

It's basically a load   of metal tubes   welded together,

couple of old-fashioned truck axles underneath,

a big Chevy V8 engine   at the front.

You see these headlights?

They're not real,  they're painted on.

Frankly, it's not going to  give Range Rover any worries  in the luxury department.

But then, a Range Rover can't do this.

The Icelandics love throwing   their nitrous-injected,

1,000-horsepower jeeps   up the landscape.

They're like one huge toddler group,

always looking for new   and ingenious ways of damaging themselves.

And their latest location  is this...

Water.

The very wet water  of Lake Kleifarvatn.

And they're not driving in it.

They're driving on it.

Yes. They reckon they can take this big block, V8-powered, solid-girder-framed,

1.5-tonne off-roader and drive it across this lake.

The theory is  that the huge treads

on these tyres will act  like the scoops  on a paddle steamer,

grabbing at the surface  and powering the jeep along.

Thing is though,  if a paddle steamer stops,

it's still a boat and it floats.

If this thing stops,  it's not a boat,

it's still a big, heavy car  and it will sink.

Our driver for this feat   of world-class craziness   is Gisli Gunnar Jonsson.

When it comes   to Icelandic 4x4 racing,   he is the Michael Schumacher,

only without the money, private jet, yacht, mansions or sponsorship deals.

But otherwise, peas in a pod.

Right, this is the plan.

Gisli's going to get up  as much speed as he  possibly can on the beach,

before he enters the water  about here.

And the finishing line  is over .5 km away over there,  on the other side of the bay.

This is going to demand   some serious commitment.

Gisli has to keep his foot flat to the floor for the whole run,

or he'll lose momentum,   and if that happens,   he'll also lose his jeep.

Brave man.

Now, nitrous-oxide  has to be injected  into that engine constantly

to boost the power from the 600 to the 800 that is needed.

If that fails at any point,  he sinks.

When I say he sinks, I mean we sink.

Right.

(ENGINE ROARING)

(GRAND OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah! That's pretty good!

That was unbelievable!

You can feel the moment  when it hits the water  and it just takes a pounding

and your helmet comes down.

It's different.

My only worry is,

it's not going to be enough, you see, now he's proved his theory.

He wants to turn it  into a race.

Right...

A race against this.

Now, you're looking  at this, thinking,  "Well, that's a jet ski."

Easy.

This is Iceland, remember?  They think  Bjork is normal here.

So, no. It's actually a snowmobile, a vehicle designed to go on, well, snow.

Once again, our jeep driver   has to maintain   maximum commitment

once he's on the lake.

But the same applies   to Jami Helderson,   our snowmobile rider.

The merest lift,   the tiniest hesitation,   the slightest loss of nerve,

and even perpetual sunlight won't dry them out in a hurry.

(BOTH REVVING)

(HORN BLOWS)

That was incredible!

But I can categorically  tell you if you find yourself  near an Icelandic lake

and you don't have any sort  of waterborne transport,

you're best off going  for a snowmobile.

They're mad!

I have to admit,  that was better  than our other Iceland film.

I thought so, too.

But what intrigues me is, how did they ever find out that that was possible?

Ah, well,  they developed the thing.

Basically, they were at one  of their off-road courses  with those jeeps,

and it had flooded.

But rather than abandon it, they thought, "We'll just drive through the water

"in the dips."

But they discovered they didn't go through,

they skipped over the top and then they thought,

"Well, if it works  on shallow water,

"it'll work on deep water, like that lake", and they discovered it.

How many jeeps  are in the bottom  of that lake?

Hundreds, mate.

In fact, we weren't driving  on the water, we were  skipping over sunken jeeps.

Anyway,  the greatest driving song  in the world of all time.

Over the past five weeks,  we've been showing you  little films

about our finalists here.

And, in fact, you only have  a few days left  in which to vote.

But in case you haven't made your mind up yet,

here's a little reminder.

♪ When she is lonely and the longing gets too much ♪

MAY: From the crazy Dutch,   we have   Golden Earring's--Radar Love,

the ultimate track   for love-struck insomniacs.

♪ We've got a thing   that's called radar love ♪

♪ Get your motor runnin' ♪

MAY: If you like your driving   American style,   no nonsense and no bends,

then it has to be   the Hell's Angels' favourite,

Steppenwolf's--Born To Be Wild.

♪ Yeah, it's a mad hurricane

♪ Alright, hold tight ♪

MAY: Next, the head-banger   of the pack,   Deep Purple's--Highway Star.

Beneath the dandruff storm,   this is the anthem   for the speed freaks.

♪ I'm a highway star ♪

♪ Like a bat out of hell

♪ I'll be gone   when the morning comes ♪

--MAY: But if good music   isn't your thing,

then there's always   Meat Loaf's--Bat Out of Hell.

You can vote for it,   but we'll come around   and cut off your electricity.

♪ I'll be gone   when the morning comes ♪

♪ Don't stop me now

♪ I'm having such a good time   I'm having a ball ♪

MAY: And finally,   please be upstanding   for his majesty, the Queen.

If you want driving pop   for a perfect summer's day,

look no further than   Freddy's--Don't Stop Me Now.

♪ ...a good time   I don't wanna stop at all ♪

So to vote for any  of these songs you telephone,  09011986363.

That call will cost you  10 pence.

Now, you have  only until lunchtime

on Tuesday, the 2nd,  to get your vote in.

Unless it's for Meatloaf,  in which case leave it  till Wednesday.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

And actually,  it is neck and neck

at the moment  between Golden Earring  and Queen

so your vote really will make a difference.

Now, we've got to put a star  in our reasonably-priced car.

She presents  something called   Big Brother,--apparently,

which, so far  as I can tell, involves,

escorting a load of cretinous louts out

of a televised prison  every week.

Let's find out. Ladies and gentlemen, Davina McCall!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

-How are you?  -Good. Thank you.

-Have a seat.  -Thank you.

(SIGHS)

-Oh, now.  -Stretch out.

Now, this Big Brother  malarkey, what is it?

It's a fantastic programme. Have you ever seen it?

-No. No. -Never?

Jeremy Clarkson.

You are so out of touch  with popular culture.

Listen, I think the producers would pay extremely good money

to have you  in Celebrity Big Brother.

I'd watch it, wouldn't you?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

What, I go in a house  for a week  and not do anything?

I'm up for that!

So long as you don't make me  dress up as a giant cock.

We can't promise you...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You've got to go  into Celebrity Big Brother,  you'd so be great!

Really? Because they're all  lesbians in there,  aren't they?

-Oh, yes.  -I love lesbians.

Not necessarily.

Now, if we just  move it slightly more  toward cars here.

You are a legendary  reporter on Grand Prix scene,  I understand.

I am a legendary reporter.

It's a little-known fact, um,  but when I was at MTV, we...

MTV sponsored a team  that was only around  for one season...

-Simtek.  -Possibly two. Yes.

And we were allowed  to go and cover the races.

But only a couple, because you know what Bernie Ecclestone's like.

And I had no idea  who any of the drivers were.

I was just under  strict instructions to try  and interview anybody

that was wearing  a racing outfit.

So I'd literally run up  to some bloke  in a racing costume,

go, "Hi! Davina from MTV,"

waiting for the camera man  to go, "Barrichello."

(MIMICING STUTTER)

"Mr Barrichello, I don't know  what your first name is."

I interviewed some  great people,

I interviewed Damon,  David Coulthard and Hakkinen,

Michael Schumacher?

Oh, well, Schumacher...

There was one time  when they'd done  all the qualifying

and he'd got pole.

And the world's press  were surrounding  Michael Schumacher.

So I literally was elbowing  the world's press  out of the way,

"Get out of the way, get out",  shoved my MTV microphone  in front of his mouth...

And there was the MTV cube, you could see it there.

And I said,  "Davina McCall, MTV."

And he goes, "Yeah?"

And I say, "What video  would you like to request?"

All the world's press  are looking at me, going...

"We want to know  about tyre-degradation!"

"For pity's sake!"

And do you know  what he asked for?

What? It won't be any good,  I bet you.

Heal The World  --by Michael Jackson.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I mean, really!

That said, you know,  I once got a lift  with Mika Hakkinen.

His glove box, I went fiddling through, Celine Dion!

That's the same, I interviewed  Rubens Barrichello  and I said,

" What do you want to hear?"

And he is the locksmith  of love.

He's like, "Mr Mr Romantic", "Mr Lover Lover".

-I'm sorry.  -But he requested  Mariah Carey.

Any of the drivers come on  to you in your Grand Prix  reporting days?

This is what was deeply,  deeply distressing.

That there I was  trying my best to prance up  and down the paddocks

in the shortest skirt  you've ever seen  and the tightest T-shirt,

and nobody, nobody...

CLARKSON: None of them?

Are you trying to tell me  you went to the Monaco  Grand Prix

and Gerhard Berger  never hit on you?

Well, he got me in a neck lock

and sought of dragged me down the paddock, but that was about it.

I found it mildly exciting  I have to say,  but it wasn't a date.

But Mark Blundell?

Ah, well, Mark Blundell,  it wasn't so much  that he asked me out,

but I did show him  my pierced nipple.

Did he just say "Have you got  pierced nipples? Can I see?"

He said, "I've heard  you've got a pierced nipple,  is it true?" I went "Yes."

-And then I put it away.  -So, I hear you've got  pierced nipples.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'm telling you, mate,  I've had two babies  you really don't want to see.

-Do you? -Mm, no, I do.

It's got to be relevant.

Actually, talking of babies...

They're not pierced any more,  anyway, becasue the milk  would go everywhere.

That would be  probably like a colander.

-It is a bit. -Poor children.

It would have been a bit like that, but...

Coming out everywhere!

Now, listen,  I just want to talk  about something else.

I gather you're trying  to buy a new car, presently.

Well, actually,  I have to tell you something,  I've got it.

But I'm almost ashamed  to say what it is.

Say it.

It is...

...a Range Rover.

What's the matter  with that, then?

Because it's very, very  un-environmentally friendly.

Oh, for crying out loud, woman!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

It's pouring with rain  because not enough people  have Range Rovers.

If more people  drive Range Rovers,

you get sunshine  and a decent summer  going down.

You're not one of these people  who's got guilt, are you?

I have to say, actually,  joking apart, I have guilt.

Ok, now, sit there, Davina,  I'm going to counsel you.

-You have children?  -I have children.

-You love them?  -I love them.

You want them to be as safe  as humanly possible

and they are when they're in a Range Rover.

You've done the sensible...

Yes. You could drive around  in some crummy paper bag  like a Toyota Prius

and everywhere people would be  going, "Well done, Davina!

"You're saving the planet.  Here, have one of my  South African Peace Crisps."

(ALL LAUGHING)

But your children may well  be killed in an accident.

You don't want that.

And that was actually  the winning argument  that won me over

and now, I have one.

You've got one, don't sell it.

In fact, buy a Hummer.

Now, your lap, how was it?

Oh, it was a piece of cake.

You know, with the Stig helping me out.

-(MOUTHING)  -Was he nice? Was he kind?

-I tell you what, he's just so kind. -Is he?

Yeah, he was really lovely and very, very patient,

because I did I few spins  and stuff.

Really?  We've actually, I'm afraid,  filmed those spins.

Who'd like to see them? Yes?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Let's have a look  at the practice laps.

Yeah. This is going to be   the second to last corner...

Yes!

(BLEEPS)

CLARKSON: Off you go there.

That's good.   Now, watch this one.   Last corner.

Gambon.

Lost it. Oh, neatly parked!

That's fantastic.

Shall we have a look  at how the actual lap went?

Are we ready for this? Play the tape.

(ENGINE REVVING)

CLARKSON: That is a soaking   wet track without a doubt.  DAVINA: Oh!

Come on! This is for the Stig.

-CLARKSON:   What's for the Stig?  -I can do it. Am I in five?

Yes.

CLARKSON: Now!

-(McCALL CHUCKLES)  -CLARKSON: Round we go.   looking very...

-Now, this is  the frightening bit.  -That's not bad.

This is where I've got to do my hard braking.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

CLARKSON: That's...  Oh, it's really just good.

McCALL: I know that's   ridiculous but that was   quite frightening.

CLARKSON: It is! 'Cause of the way it's pouring with rain.

I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe.

I'm safe. Brake!

-(AUDIENCE LAUGH)  -(TYRES SCREECHING)

CLARKSON: It is so difficult to make that car behave itself when it's raining,

'cause even though   it's only got, like,   100 horsepower...

This is the bit that I like.

CLARKSON:   This is the bit you like?  DAVINA: Yeah.

-Even in the rain? -Yeah.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

(McCALL LAUGHS)

CLARKSON: I'm impressed!

I'm very impressed!

McCALL: It looks quite fast   in the rain I would imagine   because of the spray.

--CLARKSON: It is. It is.   I know it. Just you are...

Hang on, why are you going so slowly there?

-You've stopped.  -It felt...

--McCALL: Well, I was doing that since I kept spinning.

--CLARKSON: It is   just dawdling now.

You could have done  a fast time and there you are  across the line.

I know.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

I mean, it was pouring  with rain, so don't bother  looking up there.

So, let's think  with the worst...

The wet ones start about here, okay?

-Sort of, 1.51. -Whoa, whoa, whoa. Trinny!

-Trinny was 1.54.1. -She's my mate.

And she insisted  on that being called,  "very wet."

Oh. Was she in the wet  as well?

Very, very, very.

-It says, "VW."  She insisted on that.

Well, I'd like to be somewhere near Trinny.

-We'll call that very wet,  which it was.  -(CLEARS THROAT)

-I'm afraid I've got  some bad news for you.  -Oh, no!

Your last two corners were too slow.

One...

...fifty-seven...

-Oh! -...point one!

-It's a disaster!  It's right down here.  -It is a disaster.

You're slower  than Jonathan Ross  who even got lost.

(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

He actually stopped  and didn't know  which way it went.

It was the last two corners, you were so quick. -But... But...

But it was...  But it was very wet.

Well, anyway,  it's been an absolute pleasure  having you here.

And I'm sorry that took so long for you to get around.

-Oh! I loved it. -So, I'm really sorry.

And then  I'm glad you liked it.  So, there we are.

-Ladies and gentlemen,  Davina McCall!  -Thank you.

Now, this is  the Bentley Continental GT.

This has been with us for a few years

and they've now decided to make a four-door version of it.

Now obviously, I had to go somewhere appropriate to test it

so, of course,  I went to Dubai.

This is it.

It's called the Flying Spur.

And there's a good reason   why I've brought it   to the Arab Emirates.

It just, sort of, feels right.

These days, everything  about Bentley is new.

It's got a new owner, VW.

And you can forget all that  "scruffy toffs in their tweed  jackets" nonsense

because today Bentleys  are bought with new money.

And that's why it seemed right to bring it here.

I mean, it wasn't so long ago  that this was  a desert wilderness,

but now look at it.

I've got shirts  older than this city.

But there's another  good reason  for coming here,

which is that  when you get bored  of these urban roads,

and you really want to stretch  your Bentley's legs,

all you have to do  is slip out of the back door.

That's better.

So, the Flying Spur, then.

It costs £115,000 and as I said earlier,

it's basically a four-door version of the Continental GT.

So that's not  a very good start, really,

because, when we tested that car a while back,

we weren't exactly  bowled over by it.

It didn't feel   as exciting or as special   as a Bentley should.

And that's probably   because, underneath,

the GT was actually just a big German saloon, the Volkswagen Phaeton.

And at first,   sitting in the Flying Spur,   you think,

"Oh, no! Here we go again."

For example, you still get,  here on the console,

the Phaeton computer which has rather too many buttons for my liking.

It makes it seem a bit nerdy.

And, as with the GT, you can press a button

and fiddle about  with the suspension settings,  which is just not British.

And, like the Continental, the Spur isn't exactly pretty.

The back looks like it's come   from a Toyota Avensis,

inside you're swamped   in switches

and the headlamps   appear to have had   their eyebrows singed off.

But when you've spent some time with it out here on the sun's anvil,

things start to look up.

For one thing, the Flying Spur is a lot more pleasant to drive.

Bentley have fiddled around  with the basic suspension  settings a bit.

As a result of this,  while the GT ride

just got on my nerves after a while,

the Spur is cosseting, relaxing.

It soothes your brow.

But then again,  you get it on a road  like this

with bends and what have you  and it really is rather nice.

It's not like a Rolls Royce.

It doesn't float   from crest to crest.

What it is, is it's taut,  yet supple.

It's like the belly of the dancer.

But the handling is not   the really impressive thing.

No, the really  impressive thing  is the power.

Under the bonnet   is a 6-litre W12 engine,

two V6s bolted together   to give 553 bhp.

Which means  this two-and-a-half tonne car  will go from naught to 60 mph

in under five seconds.

And that's Ferrari territory.

Meanwhile, here at the back  of your luxury  four-door saloon,

just behind this little grill  is something  called a diffuser.

Now, normally, these are found on racing cars

and they're there  to stop them taking off  at really high speed.

And there's a good reason for this.

It's the Flying Spur's  party piece,

a top speed of...

One hundred and ninety-five miles an hour.

And that makes it   the fastest four-door saloon   in the world.

So, there's another   good reason   for coming out here.

You see, the locals love speed.

And Mohammed Al Brunstrom   didn't mind closing off   a stretch of road

so that we could give   the old girl a bit of welly.

That's just  a nice Bentley surge.

A big, heavy car,  four-wheel drive  as well of course,

stable, no drama.

That's 100 mph already.

That's 120.

God! This thing  just keeps going!

140.

150.

(GUFFAWS) That's 160 mph.

This really   is hell for leather!

And there is 180.

I can't believe that.

Now, the Continental GT   can reach that sort of speed

but in that car,   it's sort of, no big deal.

It's somehow,   when you do it   in this stately,

grown-up four-door saloon,

it feels more thrilling   and outrageous.

And that's how it should be in a Bentley.

It's funny what a difference   a few changes can make.

Two doors and a GT badge,  this car just doesn't  quite stack up.

But double  the number of doors,

sort the ride out,  and you're there.

That awesome   straight-line speed   suddenly makes sense.

What you're left with  is an exquisitely made  luxury saloon

that in the blink of an eye  can turn into a monster.

And that makes the Flying Spur feel like a proper Bentley.

-Do you like it?  -No. No.

I think this is the most dreary piece of styling I've ever seen.

It has no presence.

No, I have to say rather  the thing is they made it  feel like a Bentley.

But it looks as though  it was designed by a Belgian.

-Well, it was designed  by a Belgian.  -Oh, yeah.

And the funny thing is,  is that for £45,000 less

you can have a VW Phaeton which has got the same basic engine,

the same four-wheel  drive system.

That is a really cool car.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago,  we had Damon Hill here.

And he set a time  round our track.

And I jokingly said,  "Look, if there is any  Formula One drivers watching,

"you want to come and give it a whirl, get in touch."

Well, we have been  literally inundated  with a phone call.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

And I'd like you to meet  the man who made it.

From BMW-Williams,  Mark Webber!

Oh, yes.

Not some old racing driver.

Current racing driver,  that's what we've got  down here.

-Thanks very much for coming.  -No problem.

Was it your idea  or did Frank order you  to come down?

-No, I thought  it was a good idea.  -You did?

Yeah. I was pretty impressed you got the car here today. It's good.

I don't think it's a real one.

I think,  it's one of those fake ones

that businessmen buy to put in their offices

when you're finished with it,  isn't it?

-I think you are right, yeah.  -Yeah, I don't think  it would mind.

-It's probably faster than your one this year. -Oi!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

It's not been  your best season.

Uh, it's been tough.

-Yeah?  -It's been tough.

Clearly the pace is fast  at the front and...

William's a winning team.  We wanna get back up there  as fast as we can.

At the factory,  they're burying themselves  to get back up there.

But at the moment  we're not there.

Do you ever get fed up  with the amount of business  involved in it?

Well, you know,  you've to turn up  looking like a business card.

-(LAUGHS)  -I'm mean,  you look a little like that.

-Have you got pajamas  worn, with RBS in them?  -Yeah.

-HP Invent and...  -Better than wearing  what you've got on, anyway.

-Yes, it is certainly.  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Did you hear that?

I've got the pink lining,  check that out!

Check that out!

Um, anyway, listen.  This lap,  how did it go out there?

Well, I hear Damon's lap was in the dry, is that right?

Oh, here we go!

-Here we go. -No, it was in the dry.

-Yeah. -So that is...

There's not much  dry time here, are there?

But I think it went fantastic.

You reckon it was okay?

I drove like a legend.

Really?

'Cause you are a bit  of a specialist  on the old one-lap business.

No, well. It's...  I really enjoyed it.

It was fantastic. The track is pretty tricky in places

and I thought the car was...

...not a handful.

(ALL LAUGH)

-It's 106 bhp.  -I know.

Lot of aquaplaning, all over the place in the straight lines.

-Well, shall we have a look? -ALL: Yes.

Shall we have a look  at this lap?  Here we go.

-First time I've seen it.  -(TYRES SCREECHING)

Plenty of wheel-spin  off the line, here we go.

CLARKSON: Now, were you   concentrating hard?   Let's have a look.

Same line that Damon took   through that corner.

The Stig's is different.

WEBBER: Oh, is it? CLARKSON: Yeah,   he doesn't do that.

WEBBER: Look at that.  CLARKSON: Oh, that.

Just that little bit more grip  than I thought.

CLARKSON:   Let's have a look through.   Why isn't it under-steering?

--WEBBER: Uh, it's called   throttle control.

--CLARKSON:   Well, it's always, actually.

Hey.

--CLARKSON: Okay,   into the Hammerhead.

This is what normally   gets everyone caught out.

-CLARKSON: Oh, you nearly hit   the cameraman!  -(WEBBER CHUCKLES)

--CLARKSON: That's a pretty wide line through there!

WEBBER: Yeah.

Waving to the camera  got the rev  a little bit there.

CLARKSON: You're not really   giving this your   full attention, are you?

--WEBBER: Well, we are.   This is brilliant, really.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

CLARKSON: Did you actually go on the road and vomit, though?

-CLARKSON: 'Cause that's   really slippery. Oh-ho!  -(WEBBER LAUGHS)

-(AUDIENCE GASPS)  -CLARKSON: That's impressive.

And that's it,   cutting that corner nicely,

you didn't go off   unlike all our normal guests.

And... Whoa! There you go! That would be the line!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

CLARKSON: Oh, boy!

So where do you think  you've come?

-WEBBER: Ah!  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Well, definitely below Damon.

-You reckon? -Yeah.

-You're right. -Yeah.

-Do you want to know  how much below?  -Uh, yeah.

One minute, forty-seven point one.

(WHOOPS)

Which... No, seriously...

God, he's slow, isn't he?

-CLARKSON: I was going...  -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

I was going to mock you.  We reckon that...

We've always reckoned  that the wet,

which I will admit  does slow you down a bit,  it's about four seconds.

-Hmm.  -So that would be a 1.43.

I don't think so.

I think with that car,  with that power,

uh, it's worth a bit  but not four seconds.

I'll probably... Hopefully,  I'll give Damon a nudge  from there, but after that...

You're arguing with me now.

-It's four seconds.  -Four seconds, okay.

-Four seconds. I'm giving you  a 1.43 on that basis, which...  -Okay.

No, I think that's  a pretty impressive time.

And the great thing is,  of course, you know  what tyres that's on?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

-Bridgestone. So think...  -That's a loaded question.

Think of the data you can now take back to your Michelin team.

Uh, I really think  you've been a great sport

and I'd like to present you, if I may,

with one of our  special t-shirts.

Look, you can wear that.

-Brilliant. -Okay?

In the paddock.

-I will. -Yeah.

The only thing is, though...

The only thing is...

The only thing  you've gotta bear in mind

is don't let Michael see you in it.

Michael will be jealous  of this.

Well, Michael  doesn't always wear red.

-You know what I'm saying?  -Yeah. Exactly.

-People want to know why  he's off form a bit this year.  -Exactly.

Spending a bit  too much time here.

-I'll say no more than that! -(ALL LAUGH)

-Anyway, Mark, it's fantastic  that you could come down.  -Pleasure.

And you're the first one  to have called us  and that's brilliant.

And thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Webber!

Now!

As I'm sure you know, you can't really have fun on the roads any more.

You know, there's too many speed cameras,

there's a civil servant in a van in every bush.

Uh, so, we've got a tip.

Don't buy a Ferrari,  buy a field.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

This field looks good.

We could have fun here.

(ENGINE ROARING)

MAY: Welcome, then,   to--Top Gear's round-up   of outdoor toys.

At the core of this scene, we have the quad bike.

A simple device   used by hill farmers   to round up their sheep.

They started out   about 30 years ago   in Australia

as three-wheeled machines,

but the accident rate   was absolutely appalling.

So bad, in fact,  that in the States  they were completely banned.

But then about 20 years ago,   someone at Suzuki   had a great idea.

He said, "What if we put   four wheels on it?"

And at that moment,  the quad bike,  as we know it, was born.

--HAMMOND:   Today the choice is endless.

Prices start at basic stuff  like this for four grand

and then go from there,  well, into space.

You can have two-wheel drive,  four-wheel drive

and that one has even got  the same four-wheel  drive system

as a Lamborghini Murcielago.

They even make giant ones, like this.

Of course,  quads are all very well,

but as Ozzy Osbourne  and Rik Mayall will testify,

even the fourth wheel  doesn't stop them

turning over  and breaking every bone  in your body.

So for scaredy cats, there's this...

The Argocat.

CLARKSON: At £12,000, it is pretty expensive.

And with a top speed   of 22 mph,

it's not exactly fast.

But, because you steer by braking the wheels on one side,

it can turn in its own length.

And because it has   eight-wheel drive,

it's pretty much unstoppable   when the going gets rough.

And not only will it   climb every mountain,

but also,   it'll ford every stream.

CLARKSON: It's not deep water.

Oh, but wait,  it's gone all smooth,

I suspect  it is deep water now.

And we're floating!

(ENGINE REVVING)

You don't actually  get a propeller,

or you can put an outboard  on the back,  up to 10 horsepower.

The drive is just coming  from the wheels turning.

It even steers...

...slightly.

MAY: I'd give  the rest of my year's salary

to see that sink.

If he'd driven it  and it'd just gone  to the bottom

and there were just bubbles.

MAY: I want him  to keep talking  as it goes down.

HAMMOND: Yeah. MAY: Like the captain of the Titanic.

(MIMICS GURGLING)  Buried in the water.

What did you say?

HAMMOND: We're just saying  we hope it sinks.  MAY: Yeah.

-It can't sink. It's made  of polyethylene.  -Really? Oh.

CLARKSON:   Of course, these workhorses   are all very well,

but it took   the young men of the world   about five seconds to think,

"Great, but what   if we fitted stuff like this

"with really big engines?"

(ENGINE REVVING)

The result is that today   we face a huge   choice of machinery

designed specifically to put   a smile on your face

and half a tonne of mud   up each nostril.

And the question   we have is simple.

Which one do we like the most?

-This has got a kick-start...  -(ENGINE STARTS)

...which is James' sort of thing.

-Am I in gear? Yes.  -You are.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(SCREAMS) See?

(SCREAMS)

-I'm in gear now.  -(ENGINE STARTS)

I have no idea  what gear I'm in

and it won't engage neutral.

(REVVING)

Well done,  Mr Molehusband, you're off.

Oh! God!

I hate this quad!

HAMMOND: This Honda  has a single-cylinder  450 cc engine

that makes  1,000 million horsepower.

And it's faster than light.

The power  is instantaneous. Watch.

(SCREAMS)

CLARKSON: This has  a top speed and I know  this 'cause I've done it,

of 1 million mph. A million!

What worries me most of all

is that Hammond's going to go,  "Hey, it's really brilliant,

"I can ride standing up  and everything."

And I can't,  'cause I'm too tall

and I'm too old and I'm too fat and I hate it.

I'll never, ever tell Jeremy,  but I'm terrified!  (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

HAMMOND: After a while, even Jeremy got the hang of his two-wheel drive,

-Yamaha 450 Racer.  ---(LAUGHS)

But we both agreed,   for around £6,000,

there are cheaper   ways of getting dirty

and dead.

Where's James gone?

Um, I think he was, um,  polishing his shoes.

I just can't see James  looking like this.

I can't see anything!

MAY: No, in fact, I was looking at something far more sensible.

It's the Qpod, built by   the Unique Motor Company.

Chairman, Noel Edmonds,   and he's very famous,

'cause he used   to present--Top Gear.

It's got a 340 cc... Whoa!

Uh, single-cylinder engine,

and a twist-and-go  automatic transmission,  just like a scooter.

Interestingly, the Devonshire  Constabulary use these

for what they call  "off-road pursuits,"

which is presumably pursuing yobbos on quad bikes.

You know why James is being even more sedate than usual, don't you?

-Tired? Scared? I don't know.  -He's had an operation.

Has he? Where?

(WHISPERS) On his arse.

(LAUGHS) Oh, that's...

-It's why  he hasn't been with us.  -It's got to hurt.

-On a saddle, yeah. -Yeah.

-Oh! -That would be... sore.

MAY: It's true.   I was much happier   in my Qpod Sport.

You get seatbelts, headrests   and two comfy chairs,

all for £5,000.

And, now, here's the thing  I like best.

It is completely road-legal.

Completely!  And it'll do 45 mph.

You need never, ever,  drive it off-road.

Oh, joy!

MAY: Of course, the ultimate off-road toys are the buggies.

This idea began   with the Honda Pilot.

Brilliant, but it didn't   have a differential.

And that meant   cornering was tricky.

This scared a lot   of Americans, and Honda,   being a big company,

frightened of lawsuits,   dropped it,

which opened the floodgates   for everyone else.

And now, if you don't mind,

I'll leave you   to my colleagues,   so they can explain.

Oh, my God!

(CACKLES)

At the bottom end  of the scale, we have this.

13 hp, called a Bocart.

Now, my wife actually bought me one of these,

and it was a bit like having  one Japanese fighting fish,

so now, we've got another.

And every child  that comes to our house  has to have a go.

And some of them  haven't been killed.

HAMMOND: At the other end of the scale, we have stuff like this.

This is the Drakart,  which will set you  back £12,500.

That's 600 cc  snowmobile engine,

no clutch to bother with,  left foot for the brake,

right foot for the throttle.

Does naught to 60 in under three seconds.

And it's good for 110 mph.

(REVVING)

CLARKSON: This Rage buggy costs about the same as Hamster's Drakart,

and looks similar too.

But this has 900 cc Honda Fireblade engine,

and it's a lot   more sophisticated.

Six-speed sequential box.

Goes from naught to 60 in under three seconds.

It's quicker  than a Ferrari Enzo.

I've got disc brakes  from Brembo.

It's like a little  Formula One car.

Limited-slip differential.

It's just got  everything you want.

(LAUGHS)

-How's yours? -I'm tingling!

-The speed is just one of those... -Yeah.

"Whoa! I going  to the fancy dress!"

-You know the quads? -Yeah.

-No. It's so comfortable!  -Yeah.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Mr May.

MAY: Like I said, yobbos.

Well, my voice is ruined,  my clothes are ruined...

-My, um... I'm ruined.  -The yobbos. Yes.

Yes, but look at the field.  That is ruined.

-CLARKSON: Yes, we did that  in just one day.  -Oops.

And there are eco-mentalists who will tell you

that that will take  about 25,000 years  to recover.

-Because of our damage. -Because of our damage.

So, to finish off,  I've brought along a toy

that causes no damage  whatsoever.

CLARKSON: Yup, a hovercraft.

You build them yourself   for around £6,000.

This one actually   belongs to a vicar.

And he's very kindly brought along two more,

so we can all have a play.

Now, listen, chaps, I have had

the pleasure of driving  one of these before.

And there are one  or two things  I just need to tell you.

-First of all, okay,  if you see an obstacle...  -Yeah.

Like, if we're going  over there, you see  one of these trees

coming towards you, it's too late.

-You're gonna hit it.  -Oh, right, okay.

You're not worried about that?

Well, if that's what happens...

-I don't know what will...  -You see,  you'll turn the handlebars,

-that won't make any difference. -Right.

Straight on, okay?

So you think, "All right,  I'll lift off the power,"

the air will come out  of the sack,

it'll dig in  and you'll be jettisoned

at 50 mph into the tree.

Oh, so, you hit the tree with or without the hovercraft.

Yes, if that's the choice.

--CLARKSON: They really are tricky.

But they ride   on a cushion of air

which one of us, at least, thought was brilliant.

And look, they didn't damage   the field in any way.

Ooh!

I've been killed.

I've definitely been killed.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Why?

1935.

Unfortunately,

sadly, he wasn't  actually, completely killed.

No, but we were nearly killed  in a rather unusual way,

because you know  that big mud bath

-that we were charging  around in?  -Yeah. Yeah.

We ate quite a lot of it,  you couldn't help it.

And we were told,  when we were going home,

that it wasn't mud  and it'd all come out of...

-Out of the back  of a deer, actually.  -(ALL LAUGH)

-Yes, yes.  -So, that's what  we ate a lot of.

What was favourite  from the day?

Well, I have to say,  the hovercraft was the most  bottom-friendly, I suppose,

but actually  I'd have the Qpod.

I mean, it's a bit expensive but it is a proper car.

You know, if I was going  for utilitarian,  it'd have to be one of these.

-Put a V8 in it, fantastic.  -Yeah.

But, enough  of the utilitarian stuff.

If we were to  go to one of those  off-road centres

that are springing up  all over the place,

where you can rent stuff out and do what we did...

-Yeah?  -What would you have?

And I'm telling you straightaway, it wouldn't be the racing quads,

because you might as well  just say, "I'd like to  rent some death, please!"

Yeah, the death.

"I want to be dead  within the hour."

"Certainly, sir,  have one of these."

I would say, from the day,  it would be the buggies.

The two buggies  we finished up with.  They're fantastic.

I agree.

I do agree with you on that.  The question is, which one?

'Cause your Drakart,  great fun,  lots of sideways action...

HAMMOND: Hooligan stuff.  CLARKSON:  But quite unsophisticated.

-It was like going sideways  in scaffolding.  -(CHUCKLING)

Now this one, the Rage.

-Lovely piece of engineering.  -HAMMOND:  It's beautifully built.

-And for that reason  I'd have the Rage.  -That's the one I'd have.

-Eh?  -You?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-Yeah.  -He must have healed.

-Well, on that "bumshell"  it's time to end the show.  -(CROWD LAUGH)

Thank you very much  for watching.

-See you next week.  Good night!  -(ALL CHEER)