Top Gear (2002–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - Clarkson Gets a Facelift in an Ariel Atom - full transcript

JEREMY CLARKSON:
On today's show,

we splash about
in a supercharged
German army half-track.

The What Not To Wear girls
show us how not to drive.

And I go Bo' Selecta!
in an Ariel Atom.

Hello and welcome
to a time of year

that's supposed to be
full of good cheer.

Question is,
can James find any

in what's supposed to be
one of the most controversial
cars of the year?

JAMES MAY: BMW has given us
the 7, the 6,

the 5 and the 3,

and now, the 1 Series.



This is their smallest car.

A five-door hatch,
elbowing its way

into the world of the VW Golf
and the Vauxhall Astra.

And presumably,
this is the smallest car

that BMW is ever going to make

since they've
committed themselves

to the smallest number,
one.

Now, the world
is full of small hatchbacks.

They are all pretty similar
and they all
look pretty boring.

But the BMW
is something a bit different.

I mean, look at it.

It looks sort of
punched up at the front,
and kicked in from the back.

And the sides
look like a collapsed sofa.

But at least it's bold,
like someone's bothered.



I like it.

There are some
nice touches as well.

On the posh versions,
this key,
if that's what it is,

can be programmed,
so that as soon
as you stick it in

the seat, the mirrors
and even the air conditioning

are set to your
personal preferences,

and here's a really nice
little thing to

perk you up
on a winter's morning.

A very sporty starter button.

There's another
difference, too.

It's one you can't see,
but it's more important
than any other.

The Golf and the Astra

and all the other hatchbacks
are front-wheel drive.

But this BMW
is rear-wheel drive.

Because BMW thinks
front-wheel drive
is the work of Satan.

Because the power
is going to the back,

the front wheels
are free to just get on
with the business of steering.

And that means
the steering is almost perfect

and the car
handles brilliantly.

So far, so good then.

It looks different,
and to drive, it really
does feel a bit special.

But all of this
comes at a price.

And it's a ruddy huge one!

Take this version
I'm driving.

It's the 1.6 petrol,
it's the smallest engine
you can have.

And if you want it
in a version
with alloy wheels

and air-con,
and you do, obviously,

it will cost you £17,640.

That's £2,500 more
than the equivalent Golf.

And if you ask me,
the Golf
is already too expensive.

Now, the price would be okay
if the 1.6 petrol
was every car you'd ever need.

But it isn't,
because it's got
one big problem.

It's just too slow.

Naught to 60
takes over 10 seconds.

And if you really want
to enjoy a car like this,

you really need one
with a bit more grunt.

This, for example.

The 1.8 diesel version.

It does have more power
and it's quicker.

But predictably,
it also costs more.

With the air-con
and the alloys,

this model works out
at £19,300.

Which means,
in the real world,

the cheapest 1 Series
you can get away with

is almost £20,000.

The whole thing is getting
slightly depressing.

Now, for this sort of money,
I would expect perfection.

And the 1 Series,
I'm afraid, is not perfect.

The back seat, for example,
is a bit cramped.

The boot is not that big.

And some
of the interior materials,

as we have seen
on a couple of BMWs lately,

are very slightly
second rate.

Some of these plastics,
for example.

And then, there's the ride.

Now, this car comes
as standard
with run-flat tyres,

you don't get
a choice about that.

And they are very stiff,
and they make the ride
very fidgety.

It's a trait
that's infecting almost
all BMWs these days.

I ended up frustrated.

This is a good-looking car.

It has character
and I love driving it.

But while all that
might be great
on a Welsh mountain road,

in the real world of kids,
shopping and commuting,

I suspect the 1 Series
just isn't going to add up.

Now, let's have a look
at the key points
of the 1 Series

in a way that its junior
management clientele

will understand,
with a flip chart.

Okay, here we go.
We have prepared it all.

So we're gonna run it up
the flagpole, are we,
to see which way it blows?

Yes. That's right.
See what sticks.

Handling?
What do we think?

Well, I think it's got
a can-do attitude.
Very go ahead.

CLARKSON: Yes, bit slow,
but it handles okay.

Styling?

Very blue sky.
Yeah, I like it.

Blue sky.
That's a tick for you.

And I hate it.
I think it looks revolting.

Price?

Well, you see,
I just don't think
it's competitive

in a retail high-street
environment.

-No. Okay,
so that's a cross for you.
-Yup.

Do you know
how much you can spend
on one of these?

Thirty-two thousand quid,
if you spec it up.

Thirty-two thousand pounds
for basically a Golf.

So, that's a huge no.

Ride comfort?

Yeah, I think there are
serious optimisation issues

-with ride comforts.
-No.

No. Trim?

Yeah, it fails to meet targets
vis-a-vis interior plastics
qualities issues.

-No, no.
-In the community.

-Rear seat space?
-Well, it's about
managing expectations.

And frankly there's
a sort of expectations
shortfall in the BMW.

-Have you ever worked
in junior management?
-Yeah. Yeah.

You can tell. Anyway,
that's a no and a no.

The Focus has
got about eight yards more.

-Boot space? No.
-Is rubbish.

So, there we are.

Actually,
I tell you what.
I tell you what.

You spend what,
£17,000 on one of these.

What you're actually
buying is that, the badge.

Now, there is no news
this week,

instead we're gonna look ahead
to some of the cars we are
looking forward to next year.

So, I want to start
with something
that if you don't like

the BMW 1 Series
and let's face it,

we don't.

But you still want a small car
with a kind of
posh badge on it,

you might consider this.
It's the new Mercedes A-class.

It's coming next year.

Now, it looks a lot
better than the old one.

It's a lot more,
sort of grown up.

The old one was a bit
of a hotchpotch.

This is a much better car.
A bit more expensive.

But it will have
more kit on it
and a good choice of engines.

I think,
that's gonna be a good car.

While we are on the subject
of Mercedes...

Actually, while we are on
the subject of your voice,

how much Christmas cheer
have you had this year?

Shouting at the children.

Actually, no, I was laughing
at his Christmas jumper
actually that I lost my voice

completely.

Whoever bought that,
might be watching.

Yeah, exactly,
"All right, Mum,
I'll wear it on the telly."

While we are on
the subject of Mercedes,

um, we had the CLS
here a few months ago.

And we parked it
in the studio
and we thought that

that is definitely
a £100,000 car.

It's got something about it.
It's got presence.

Do you know
how much it is gonna be
when it comes out next year?

Fifty thousand.

Fifty thousand.
And you'll be able to get
the super charged V-8 one

for only 60,000, going up
against the M5 BMW,
apparently.

I think that
could be brilliant.

I think it could be
really good.

-Yeah.
-Really cool car that.

Yeah, now have
a look at this.

This is next year's
new Suzuki Swift.

And I have to say,
when I saw that I thought,

"That is a £10,000 car."

But actually, I was wrong.

It's about £9,785.

Now, you know the old Swift

that's gone out of production,
that was sort
of named for irony.

Yeah, it was the Suzuki Slug.

Yeah, exactly.

This one though, this is
going to have a very trick
1.5-litre petrol engine,

with 101

brake horsepower,
and it will be light.

Because these
little Suzukis always are.

I think that
will be brilliant.

Actually I think,
that could probably be

our next
Reasonably Priced Car.

I would like
to show you a car

that is officially too girlie
for the girliest of girls.

It's this.
The Nissan Micra Cabriolet.

CLARKSON:
Ugh! Enough!
Get it off the screen!

-Take it away.
-MAY: That's awful!

HAMMOND:
No, it's coming next year.

Look at this,
look at this face,
what do you think of it?

-It's hideous.
-HAMMOND: It is quite girlie.

It's going to cost
about £10,500

and, er, well, there it is.

I haven't got
much more to say.

Hands up, anyone,
who'd want to buy
a convertible Nissan Micra.

Oh, dear! That's not gonna
be a big one, is it?

I don't think it's gonna
be a massive hit.

No, hey! No.
The Bugatti Veyron.
Or how we pronounce it.

About six years ago,
Volkswagen bought Bugatti

and they said, "We're gonna
make a supercar that'll
have 1,000 horsepower."

A thousand.

Now, there were
a few problems with that.

Like, they hadn't
got an engine

that could do anything
like 1,000 horsepower.

So they built one
with 16 cylinders,

put a couple
of turbos on it.
Not enough.

So, they put
four turbos on it.

And then they got
1,000 horsepower,

but it kept melting
so they stopped it melting,

and then they found
that nobody in the world
makes tyres

capable of transferring
1,000 horsepower
on to the road.

Well, the thing is
you have to be realistic.

And Suzuki, for example
with the new Swift,

went for just
101 brake horsepower

from four cylinders
and it worked.

-Right.
-Nevertheless,

the thing is that
they ploughed on
with the Veyron, okay.

Had a couple of accidents

'cause they can't find
a test track big enough
anywhere in the world

to get it up to top speed.

But now,
the boss of Volkswagen says,

"It's virtually ready, there
is only two more things
they've got to work out.

"The steering
and the brakes."

They're quite
big issues, really.

As soon as he's got
those worked out,
he'll put it on sale.

Million-dollar car.

Million dollars it'll cost.

And we'll be...
Well, I won't be testing it.
He will.

I'm not driving a car
that has got 1,000 horsepower

and brakes
that have been fixed
at the last minute.

Yes, that's 1,000 horsepower,
that's magnificent.

And now I'm stopping.
I don't wanna do it.

Can I talk about something
more down to Earth?

I'd like to talk about
another car,
the Peugeot 1007.

Now, you can't call this
the one double-O seven.

CLARKSON: No.
HAMMOND:
'Cause that's James Bond.

Yeah. He'd shoot you.

No, seriously, you can't.

You know, a copywriter says,
"The one thousand and seven."

And it's a little family car,
obviously,
two interesting things.

One, you can inter-change
bits of the interior.

So, you can change
the colour of the panels.
If you want.

And obviously, the other,
it's got this sliding door.

Actually, I was talking
to someone in the
motor industry the other day

who said that
within five or 10 years

all small cars will have
those sliding doors.

Which is a worry,
'cause that means Fiat will.

Every time you accelerate,
they'll shoot back

and the doors come off.

What then, is gonna be your

favourite car, do you think,
in 2005?

What are you most
looking forward to?

I think probably
for me the
Range Rover Sport.

We're gonna have
a look at that.

It's basically,
the new Land Rover Discovery
underneath.

But they've put a sort of
sporty version of
the Range Rover body on it.

I think that looks great.
It's gonna have the
supercharged 4.2-litre

Jaguar V8,
so that will be a good car.

Heavy.

It will be on
the weighty side, yes.

For me, it has to be
the Aston Martin,
the new V8 Vantage.

Nice to see you, nodding away.
Now, that's the one
I'm looking forward to.

It's gonna be the same size,
as a 911,

same kinda price
as a Porsche 911.

Um, but you know what,

they've just taken this round
the Nurburgring

where, I rather nobly
got around
a couple of weeks ago

in 10 minutes.

But look at this.
It's just gone round
in less than eight minutes.

That is some going.

That is really quick.
And look at that front wheel,
it's off the ground.

That is one stiff chassis.

In fact, I think they may have
to sort of un-stiffen it a bit
before they put it on sale.

-That is gonna
be one hell of a car.
-I'm looking forward to that.

So, James,
what about you?

Well, I quite fancy
an Aston Martin next year,

the DB9 Volante.

Essentially
the convertible DB9.
It's a bit more expensive.

About £115,000.

450 horsepower.
But despite that,

I still feel myself
strangely drawn
to the Suzuki Swift.

Which has got 101 horsepower.

Well, let's move on.
And now for something
a bit unusual.

HAMMOND: The Mercedes G-Wagen.

If you strip away
all the trappings,

all you'll find
is a 25-year-old
military vehicle

that Mercedes have tarted up
to sell to civilians
for a lot of money.

Frankly,
it's not the sort of thing
we'd normally recommend,

but what happens
if you send it to
the AMG finishing school?

Now that
is a whole new kettle of fish.

You see, AMG are Mercedes'
special tuning division.

They're experts
at turning water into wine,

mutton into lamb,

and their telltale signs
are all over this car.

Look at the massive alloys.

The gangster-tinted windows.

Those fantastic
SLR-style side exhausts.

Already it's looking
a more enticing prospect.

And that's before you get to
the galactic brakes.

Which is a big clue
to the next good thing
about this car.

Because brakes like these,

they're here for a reason.

This 25-year-old German
squaddie carrier

has a five-and-a-half-litre,
super charged V8.

It's a close relation
to the very same engine
we get in the SLR supercar.

Now, that's
one hell of an odd pairing.

It's hilarious.

It's a bit like those stories
you hear of

a 21-year-old-lap dancer
marrying
an 86-year-old billionaire.

It doesn't sound natural,
but let's face it.

They are both gonna
have a great time.

Woo!

And it's exactly
the same here.

A slow-moving ponderous object
given a new lease of life

by massive bursts
of youthful energy.

It has got...
Wait for it,

476 horsepower.

That means this big, high 4x4

has got more power than
an Aston Martin Vanquish,

a Ferrari 360,

or Porsche 911 Turbo.

What a machine! Ha-ha!

Even though
it weighs 2.5 tonnes,

this G-Wagen will go
from naught to 60
in 5.6 seconds.

Porsche Boxsters
are cannon-fodder
for this car.

Now, you can't just stick
an engine like that in
a big old tin shed like this

without some serious
structural work.

So, the suspension
has been stiffened
and lowered

and the whole thing
is hand-built

by Austrian nutters.
Fantastic!

Small wonder then
that the G-Wagen

have the starring role
in the car chase of the year,

in the thriller,
The Bourne Supremacy.

But there are limits
to this car's ability.

Even though
it has a low-range gear box

and locking differentials,

all along the drive train,

it's no Bowler Wildcat.

And those low-slung
side exhausts
might look brilliant,

but they are useless
in seriously rough terrain.

And you might find
that a bit disappointing,

because it costs £76,000.

Seventy-six.

But don't despair,

because this car does have
a go-anywhere-ability.

You see, all I need to do
is clean it.

Just by doing this
and nothing else,

the G-Wagen becomes
a completely different car.

Because as night falls,

it becomes king
of the urban jungle.

What's so special
about the G55

is that it looks just right
everywhere it goes.

And I do mean everywhere.

There's no party,

from A-list schmooze
to illicit warehouse
all-nighter

that this car
isn't welcome at.

This is presence.

Brad Pitt's
bought one of these.

So has Jay Kay
and Britney Spears.

Not the kind of people
who get turned away
at the velvet rope.

This car is amazing.

Three hours ago,
I was hooning it around
a filthy quarry.

It took care
of business there

and now
it owns the city streets.

And have a look at this.
I've got to show you this.

Doorsills,
backlit in blue.

Now, unless I have been
sorely misinformed,

supermodels are powerless
to resist a man
with illuminated doorsills.

You know what this car is?

It's a Swiss army knife.

There's no situation
in which it isn't useful,
perfectly at home.

More than that,
the G55 is very, very cool.

In fact, I think
I've just found
the coolest car in the world.

May I?

You're going to.

Coolest car in the world?

Yep, it is.

So finally, it seems,
the breeze of insanity
has blown through his head.

Look, we're moving on now.

Um, going to meet our guests.

Couple of years ago,
they had me on their show

which is called
What Not To Wear,

and they made
a fool of me, frankly.

Well, now it's payback time.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Trinny and Susannah.

How are you?

How are you?
Have a seat.

Well, you were wrong.

About what, Jeremy?

Because I came
on your show

having been voted
the sixth worst dressed man
in Britain.

SUSANNAH: Mmm-hmm.

After going on your show,

I'm now apparently
the second worst
dressed man in Britain.

That's because
you've gone back
to your old ways.

Although today, I have to say
you have made
a particular effort.

I haven't.

-Yes, you have.
-He's got the shoes on.

These are the shoes
you bought me

which are responsible
for me moving up to only
behind Graham Norton.

Anyway, I want to
move it on if I may,
talk about your show.

-If we can.
-SUSANNAH: Mmm-hmm.

What Not To Wear,
I've got a suggestion
for you.

TRINNY: Mmm-hmm.

Your problem is
that most of the people
that come on

they're boilers,
to be honest.

Define a boiler.
Define a boiler.

You're the biggest boiler
we have ever had on our show.

And a menopausal
40 year-old woman

is a damn sight
better than you are.

Yes, I know!
But yours is all about women.

And you get these
menopausal women who
like to wear floral frocks.

Some of them.
-I don't wanna watch that.

Why don't you get
a lesbian lap dancer

who's going
for a job interview,

and you've got to help her
choose the right clothes?

Would you like
to come and help out
on that particular show?

-Yes, I would like
to help out...
-Okay.

...and then I'd watch it,
over and over.

You know, you can't
always have perfect people.

The world isn't
full of perfect people.

Like it's not full
of perfect cars.

Could I just say...
I'll make another suggestion?

You spend a lot of
time and effort
getting your clothes right,

and you both look great,
no denying that, okay.

But the problem is
is that girls often

then climb into
a rubbish car,

which lets
the whole look down.

It's like I think the way that
boys have attitudes to cars,

we have to clothes,
and vice versa.

What I'm talking about is

men buy cars to impress
other men or to impress women?

Um, kind of a mixture of both.
What do you reckon?

-Women.
-Women?

Really? Boys, do you
all think you drive a car
to impress the women?

Yeah,
you're married obviously.

But what about you?

-Have you changed
the car yet, then?
-Men?

You drive a car
to impress other men?

Yeah, there's a lot
of competition, I'm sure.

Competitiveness in cars.
It's like, you know,
we have that with other women.

Have you ever been impressed
with a man's car?

-No.
-Never, ever, have you?
You've never thought, "Hmm!"

It's never made me decide
to take it a step further
because of his car.

Really? What about you?

I've been impressed by cars.

Okay, full stop. But not...

It hasn't made me
think any differently
of the man who owns them.

So what about me?
When I get my new car...

We've got a picture
of it here, so you can see
what it looks like, okay.

I'm going to be in that,
except it'll be blue.

You... What?

I'm going to say
midlife crisis.

Can I just tell you,
that is the floral dress.

You know that says, so...
I'm sorry, but that's
an Essex boy's car.

-It's like white court shoes.

It's like wearing
white stilettos.

It's white for God's sake!
I can't even believe
it's white!

White's coming back.
White is back.

You know that.
White boots are back.

How big is your penis?
It must be tiny!

Oh, dear. I'm so...

You don't think
that's a wise choice then
for a man who's 44.

-Can we talk
about your cars, then?
-Hmm.

-Since you dished
the dirt on me.
-Mmm-hmm.

-When I met you, Susannah,
you had a Rover 75.
-Mmm-hmm.

-Holy cow.
-Yeah.

He says, "Oh, dear,"
and how it's...

You re-dressed me
but I did get you a new car
which was a...

A Renault Vel Satis.

-Wasn't it brilliant?
-It looks like a coffin.
It looks like a coffin.

Do you know what?
I love that car.

I love that car. I think
it is the classiest car. I do.

I am actually quite
a motorway driver.

I do a lot of driving.
It's so comfortable.
I fit all my kids in there.

-But you do have another car?
-Yes.

-Which is a...
-Vauxhall Corsa.

This is a woman
who preaches style
and then drives around...

-This car has lasted her,
can I just say, 20 years.
-It's a K reg car.

It's the best car.
In fact, it wipes the floor
of the Vel Satis.

-No, it doesn't.
-I love this car so much.

I zip around London
at 100 miles an hour.

It's got a huge engine in it.

-It hasn't got a huge engine.
-I can beat everybody.

-She feels it has, okay.
-It's got a 1.4 IV...

-Oh massive. Jesus!

Whoa! Rein it in there.

I have beaten more Porsches
then you can believe
at the light.

Only if the bloke's had
his legs amputated.

"Oh, now what am I going to
press the pedals with?"

What have you got then?

I now have an Audi Estate.
The smaller one, the A4.

-Are you a mad driver?
-Mmm...

No.

-Yes you are. Oh, yes you are.
-Not 100%.

-Oh, yes you are.
-No.

Let's go back
to your motoring history
then in terms of accidents.

-Because you used to
have a Ford Escort.
-Yes.

How many times
did you crash it
in a course of a year?

Thirteen.

-You did not.

And one of them was
six crashes in one go,
so you can't count it.

-What? You hit six cars
in one accident?
-Yeah.

Well done, actually.
That's quite...

-Things have changed.
-Nod of approval.

Yes I did. I did.
I was having a bit
of a blackout.

-Yeah.
-Well, that's okay.

So, of course, you came
down here to have a go
around the lap.

Oh, it was such good fun.

It's the best thing
I've done all year.

-Best thing,
you've done all year?
-I loved it so much.

I cannot tell you
how much I loved it.

-Really?
-I didn't sleep last night.

And what about you?

When I got in that car...
Ah! It's the biggest
adrenaline rush ever.

-Well, let's find out
how you did.

Who should we see first?

Actually, first of all,
where do you think
you'd like to come?

I think it would good,
if were, like, one
of the first women.

I don't mind about the boys.
We won't beat Jodie Kidd...

CLARKSON: It was pouring
with rain, wasn't it?

...because she is
a superb driver.

Who's your fastest, dry track?

Oh, Jordan, 1.52.
Carol Vorderman.

-Your special friend.
-She did very well,
didn't she?

-She did do well.
-She did.

CLARKSON:
She did it in the rain
and she did 1.51...

-Was that very moist?
-SUSANNAH: She did moist.

It was moist
as opposed to wet.

-Mildly moist.
How was it for you?
-Mildly moist.

-It was very wet.
-Pissing down, actually.

Anyway, I want to
see your laps, okay.
I want to see your laps.

Now, we're going to start
with yours.

Let's have a look, shall we,
at Susannah's lap.

CLARKSON: Oh, good start.

Bad change.

That is soaking wet,
actually.

SUSANNAH: Yeah, it is really.
I think, 10 seconds
off the time.

These poor cars.

I don't even know
where you are now.

It's so impossible.
Now, it's around Chicago.

It looks so slow.
Look like I'm going
about 10 miles an hour.

TRINNY: Lot of tongue there.
CLARKSON: This is
like Jodie Kidd did this.

No, she didn't do that.
That's, yeah, wild, frankly,
through there.

Come on!

CLARKSON: Did you lift off
going round this corner?
-Yes.

CLARKSON: You see,
that's about 14 miles an hour
through that, which is better.

SUSANNAH: Well, it's not.
I was doing 75 miles an hour.

CLARKSON: 75 at the end
of the main straight?
That's pretty good.

Did you have any crashes?

SUSANNAH: No, I did.
I did have a couple of spins.

Well, there we are,
across the line.

Now...

-Soaking wet time.
-Yes, soaking,
torrential, hurricane wet.

You did it, in a wet time,
we will take
four seconds off.

I mean... In your mind,
take four seconds off...

-I might need
some help with that.
-You did it in 1.55.7.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Which puts you...

-Which is 1.54.7.
-Yes, all right!

-No, is it?
-All right. Down here, okay.

-Now, we'll give you
a very wet lap there, okay?
-Okay.

No, another "ver".
Okay, "ver-were", "very wet".

-VW. All right,
you can have a very wet.
-Very wet, thank you.

-Right. Now, you two are very
competitive, aren't you?
-Yes.

-Very.
-All I care is that
one of us gets up there.

-Shall we find out?
-AUDIENCE: Yes.

Okay, let's have
a look at Trinny's lap.

Much more aggressive start.

CLARKSON: Are you all right?

-That's good.
That's very good, actually.
-SUSANNAH: She's so focused.

This is better than
any funfair!

CLARKSON: Oh, that is soaking.
Into the Hammerhead and...

Yes,
that's called under-steer.

-Come on! car,
go faster!

CLARKSON:
Probably be able to...

Yeah, that bleep
was to cover... Yeah.

-It does look faster than you,
Susannah.
-SUSANNAH: Yeah.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

CLARKSON:
Stop licking the lips.

And there we are,
second to last corner.

Only one more to go now.
Oh, that is...

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

CLARKSON: Where the hell
are you going?

What a fantastic end!

What the hell happened there?

I just wanted
to keep going, you know.

And despite the off,
I've got the time here, okay?

-And you did it in one...
-Yeah.

Bearing in mind, you did what?
1.55...

Where are you?
I've lost you already.
1.55.7.

You did it, Trinny, in 1.54.1.

You beat Susannah.

There. No,
I'll put you in there.

So the next time that
you see Stephen Fry
you'll be able to tell...

Ver-were. Ver-were.

Very wet, okay.
Very, very wet indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Trinny and Susannah!

Thanks, girls.

Now, Jeremy and I have been
having a bit of a debate
about hot hatchbacks.

There's no debate.
There's no argument about it.

It's perfectly
straightforward.

You see,
when I was growing up,

Ford were king
of the hot hatchback market.
They really were.

RS2000, XR2s, XR3s,
right the way through to
the Escort RS Cosworth, okay.

Well, now,
after a period away,
they're back with this.

It's the Fiesta ST150,
GT40 striped.

It's planted. It's there.
This is the daddy.

Precisely, that's my point.
It's past it and
it can't dance any more.

And if Jeremy wasn't so old,
he'd know that what we favour
now in a hot hatchback

are small, fast Citroens
like this C2 VTS.

-And the top speed
of that is?
-126 miles an hour.

-Which is walking pace,
frankly...
-Well.

Because this does
129 miles an hour.

Oh, three miles!
You see, this is the problem.

This is why we've decided to
settle this once and for all
with a race on our test track.

CLARKSON: The '80s are back,
legwarmers are back.

Duran Duran are back!

I hated the '80s in the '80s.
Things are better now.

That is a hot hatch
for fat people from the '80s.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes.

In Chicago,
that would be second gear.

See, he's not getting away
from me through these corners.

Hard on the brakes,
they're very good.

See, I'm tighter
to the lines here.

Let's try it through
Follow Through.

Always a test
of a good car, this.

Do you have to lift?

Oh!

Nope, you don't.

This car does feel live
and very grippy.

This is an iPod.
That is a cassette Walkman.

Yeah, but that is second.

And this is first.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the world's...

The world's worst winner.
He is the one man
you don't want to lose to.

Age and guile beat
youth and innocence.

And it's easy to see why,

-when you look
at the spec sheets.

I mean, frankly,
two litres in the Fiesta,
1.6 in that.

I've got 148 brake horsepower,
125.

Naught to 60, 7.9 seconds.
8.3.

You never stood a chance,
mate.

May I? You see, the thing is
that Ford is £1,600,

£1,600 more
than the little Citroen.

-A trifle.
-No, it's not.

-Just work harder.
-That's a big chunk of money.
No, you see...

And this shows just
how far out of touch you are.

Because if you were 18,
which you really are not,

but if you were,
you would know

that the fact that
that is insurance group 13

and that is insurance group 8,
is the killer.

So, if you are 18,
forget that, get that.

I want to talk
about middle age men.

Okay, you're 35, maybe 40,
you've got a bit of spare cash
in the bank

and you want to buy yourself
a big, powerful sports bike

because you weren't allowed
one when you were 17

because your mum and dad
said no.

Now, there are going to be
a few problems with that.

This is what
you'll have in mind.

The open road,
tearing through
the countryside.

The wind in your helmet.

You and the machine
in perfect harmony.

It is an appealing concept.

The reality however is
somewhat different.

Because let's be honest,
you're middle-aged.

So, you'll have a bit of a gut
and that'll look ridiculous
in your leather romper suit.

What's more,
you're almost certainly
going to crash.

So, someone who you
perhaps don't like very much
will end up with your eyes.

Don't worry, though,
because I think
I have a solution.

This is the Atom, from a small
Somerset company called Ariel.

And when I say small,
it only has seven employees.

What they've created, though,
is stunning.

I think this is one
of the most beautiful cars
in the world,

partly because it's so elegant

and partly because
it's such a wonderful piece
of engineering.

Using the chassis as a kind of
exoskeleton is just inspired.

Prices start at under £20,000,

and for that you get
indicators, lights, a tax disc

and that's about it.

Not only
don't you get a windscreen,
there isn't even any bodywork.

There really are
very few components.

And the lovely thing is that

as you drive along
you can see them
all doing their jobs.

Look, there's the steering
and there's the suspension.
It's brilliant!

Now at this point,
you're probably thinking
the Atom is a bit of a laugh,

a bit of a gadget,
a bit of a toy.
But you'd be wrong.

Very wrong.

You see, the engine is lifted
from a Honda Civic Type R.

And then for that
little extra something,
it's supercharged,

so it develops
300 brake horsepower.

And because the Atom
only weighs 500 kilogrammes,

it means you're getting
600 brake horsepower
per tonne.

And that's more than you get
from a Ferrari Enzo.

So stick that in
your sports exhaust...

Mr Kawasaki.

This car goes like nothing
you can possibly imagine.

If you can change gear
fast enough, it'll do
naught to 60 in 2.9 seconds.

The Atom is fast
on an entirely new level!

I have never,
ever driven anything
that accelerates so fast.

It's so quick, it can destroy
your entire face.

Oh, my God!

Whoa!

That is unbelievable speed!

I am an alien!

Either that
or I'm John Merrick.

In the corners
it stopped bending my face

and used massive G-forces
to tear it off.

The amazing thing is
that you never, ever...
You never miss an apex

because you can see
where the wheel hits the road,

and because there's no weight
to pull you out of line,

you hit every one
every single time!

If anything, this car is even
more impressive in the bends
than it is in a straight line.

Anyone who wants to know
how a car should behave

should drive one of these.

This is driving nirvana!

You can forget anything
you've ever driven.
Anything.

There is no car,
nothing on four wheels,

that is as fast as this.
Nothing.

But what about two wheels?

Is it possible
that the Atom could be
faster round our track

than a motorbike?

Well, to find out,
we've lined it up against
a Honda CBR 600 RR.

Off the line,
the bike is a tiny bit faster.

But under braking
for the first corner,
the Atom slid past

and then it really was a case
of goodbye, Mr Bond.

Through the bend,
the bike never stood a chance

and even down
the long back straight
up to 120 miles an hour

it couldn't keep up.

By the time
we crossed the line,

the gap had widened to
a massive four seconds.

Over the years,
I've flown F-15 fighters

and done power slides
in air boats

and strafed the desert
from helicopter gunships,

but for sheer excitement,
this thing is off the scale.

Even so,
there will still be those
who say that no car,

no matter how fast it is,
can ever be as exciting
as a big bike.

Oh, please!

I mean, I don't have to wear
a helmet in here

which means my epiglottis
is full of bees.

And there's so much wildlife
in my hair,

you could film an episode
of Badger Watch in there.

And what's more,

this is the engine air intake,
it's sucking air in here,

and I can feel it
as a pressure difference
in my ear.

It feels like my brains
are being sucked out.

-Aah!

Not as exciting as a bike!

Yeah, right!

You know...

I was so ready to disagree.

I've ridden bikes all my life
and I was going to say rubbish

but I think
you're probably right.

No it is. It is better
than a bike in so many ways.

-I mean, it's sitting here.
It's not falling over.
-No.

It's faster than a bike
as we've just seen,

and it's more practical
than a bike
because it has a boot.

Well, hang on, now
you're getting a bit giddy.

I think you've
overreached yourself.

-You were going well,
but it hasn't got a boot.
-It has.

-Check it out.

That is a boot big enough
for fish.

Really isn't a boot.
But seriously, you did
get a bit carried away there.

You said, "Oh, fastest thing
on four wheels." It's not.

I mean, there are
track day cars
that are quicker than that.

Yeah, but I don't see this
as a track day car.

I don't because I had this
on the road.

You can use it on the road
because the test

that we have
for our power board,

because only road cars
can go on.

This is whether they could
get over a speed bump,
whether you could use them.

-And this can.
-I know,
it is definitely a road car.

So it can go
on our power board,

which means we've got to
give it to The Stig.

And away he goes
like a rocket!

God, that is so quick!

Now he comes up
to the first bend,

no roll, look,
totally flat through there.

Hear the supercharger whining
there as he powers out.

Oh, no! No music
for him to listen to

because of course,
the Atom hasn't got a stereo.

Down to Chicago.

Look at that,
no under-steer, no over-steer.

No car has ever been
that neutral through there.

Now though, the real test,
the Hammerhead.

He's running very wide.
Very wide, actually.

This is very, very impressive
through the Follow Through.

Will he lift? No.
It doesn't sound like it.

That's how much confidence
a good chassis gives you.

Right down to
the penultimate bend.
Okay?

Ooh, locking the left
front wheel under braking.

Coming up to Gambon.
Power on there.

A little bit of a wiggle
and he's across the line!

-Where do you think he came?
-It looked fast. I don't know.

I mean, I would think,
certainly 1.26, 25...

MAY: I'm going to say up here.

CLARKSON: Up with Zonda.
What do you think?
HAMMOND: Maybe, I mean, look.

-Higher!
-Oh, come on, tell us,
this is agony!

It's going up, it's going up!
Ooh!

-No!

CLARKSON: It goes there!
HAMMOND: Whoa!

It's quicker
than a Carrera GT!

And that costs how much?

That costs £29,000
with the supercharger.

-And that's a £500,000 car.
-£500,000 car, 29,000 car.

The only thing
I would just say though is,

if you are thinking
of buying one,

and I suspect,
you probably are,

they do an optional
big brake pack.

-Go for that or you won't
be here in the spring.

Um, which is incidentally
when we're coming back

because that's it
for this series.

Thank you all
for sticking with us.

Goodnight and happy New Year!