Top Gear (2002–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - Episode #6.1 - full transcript
Jeremy tests the Mercedes-Benz CLS55 AMG. James road tests the Honda Element. Richard and James have a game of car football using the Toyota Aygo. Jeremy test the Land Rover Range Rover Sport by trying to avoid getting shot by a Challenger II tank.
--CLARKSON: Tonight, Toyota's new small car.
Can it play football?
The new Range Rover Sport.
Can it outrun a 120mm tank shell?
CLARKSON: And James Nesbitt.
How will he get on in a reasonably-priced car?
Hello and welcome to Top Gear.
Now, we've been told that in this new series
we've got to feature more green cars.
So here's one.
It's really the greenest car we could find, really,
and hopefully, it will keep the environmentals happy,
because coming up now is what we've got in this series for normal people.
I do that lap time in a van!
No, it's all over!
-(LAUGHING) -The next shot is going to be me overtaking him.
-CLARKSON: Here they come! -It's going to explode!
-Flipping heck! -CLARKSON: Ooh, cheeky.
What a sound!
I have got to beat those boys.
Driver, give it the berries.
Oh, this is easy!
-Yes! Go! -Yeah!
You got it out!
Oh, yes! A smorgasbord of excitement there,
and we're going to start in a similar vein
with a four-door Mercedes saloon car.
--CLARKSON: This is it. The Mercedes CLS.
At the front, it certainly looks like a normal Mercedes.
Same grills, same headlamps.
But from there backwards, it goes berserk.
The idea is that you have a boring four-door saloon
which looks like an elegant two-door coupe.
I have to say, I think it's epic.
--CLARKSON: I love some of the details, too,
the pillarless doors and the brake lights, which look like aliens.
Then inside, you have a dirty great slab of unpolished wood,
and seats which massage you as you drive along.
Course, you're probably thinking, that with such a smooth coupe shape,
the back seats would only be suitable for Anne Boleyn.
Well, yes, there are only two seats,
rather than the more usual three,
but there is enough space for people with heads.
I mean, you'd be fine back here for a short trip to the golf club.
And you would be going to the golf club, actually,
because the satellite navigation screen
only lists petrol stations and golf courses.
Everything the modern Mercedes driver needs.
--CLARKSON: Thing is, though, if I had one of these cars,
I certainly wouldn't waste my life playing golf.
You see, this may have a big, very heavy body,
and it may have the foundations from a humdrum saloon, but, um...
You can have the CLS with a V6 or a V8.
But what I've got here is the AMG supercharged V8.
CLARKSON: That's 5.5 litres and as near as makes no difference 500bhp.
And that means 0-60 in 4.5 seconds.
There's so much torque, that when you put your foot down,
you can actually hear it growling.
(GROWLING) I'm so angry about being an engine!
(GROWLING) I wanted to be an eagle or a lion!
Sadly, you don't get Merc's new seven-speed automatic gear box.
The engine would just... (LAUGHS)
Rip it apart.
But you do get the same brake technology
that you find on the SLR super car.
So, when you hit the pedal...
It actually hurts.
(CHUCKLES) It really does, actually.
It feels like my face is being pulled off.
--CLARKSON: On top of this, the CLS is set up to be
40% stiffer and sportier than the normal E-class.
So, let's disengage the traction control
and engage the Airmatic DC Sports 2 setting on the suspension,
and see what's what.
Hard on those brakes, turn in, feel the bag start to go...
Slips and locks, though.
I was expecting it to be a big wallowy suet pudding of a thing.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
This is a fabulous handling thing.
The only trouble is,
that even with the traction control turned off,
the brakes are still being used to try and stop these slides.
And, well, you can see the effect that has.
Look, it says here, they've overheated.
It's telling me to drive carefully.
Okay, I'll ease it down to 140,
but frankly, I'm having too much fun to go any slower than that.
--CLARKSON: Prices for the CLS start at £43,000.
This super-charged version is £70,000, and that's a lot.
But then, it is a lot of car.
In fact, there's only one thing that would stop me from buying one.
It's a Mercedes.
There was a time when Mercedes
was a by-word for absolute quality and fastidious customer care,
but 10 years ago, the top brass decided
their cars were needlessly over-engineered.
In other words, they decided to save money
by cutting corners.
CLARKSON: The result is plain to see.
In 1994, Mercedes was first
in the JD power customer satisfaction survey in America.
In 2004, they were nine places from the bottom.
--CLARKSON: They say that today the quality is coming back.
They say they've cut their profits from three to one billion a year,
to make sure their cars are built properly.
But they say lots of things.
I mean, Mercedes say that this engine is hand-built at the AMG plant
by just a few dozen of their most highly-skilled engineers.
Look, they even put a plaque on it,
saying that this particular one was handcrafted
by Torsten someone or other.
Thing is, though, I happen to know that AMG make 18,000 of these engines every year.
That's 100 a shift.
CLARKSON: I really hope my worries about quality are unfounded,
because I love this car, this thug in a silk dressing gown.
And I just hope it's as well made as they say it is.
Anyway, enough of all that quality stuff. I want to go back a bit.
How many of those engines does AMG make by hand every year?
18,000, and that's not including the ones they make for Pagani with the Zonda.
-Over 18,000? By hand. -Yeah.
I mean, Fritz must be the hardest working bloke in the whole of Europe!
(GERMAN ACCENT) "I can't come home tonight. I must make another 20,000 engines
-"with my hands!" -(CROWD LAUGHING)
"Fingers are worn to the bone!"
It's no wonder he gets the odd one wrong.
-Um, anyway. -(CROWD CHUCKLING)
We must now find out how fast this car goes around the track,
which means we have to hand it over to our tame racing driver.
Some say he never blinks and that he
roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves.
All we know is he's called The Stig.
And away he goes! Oh, lots of wheel spin off the line there.
The Stig has the traction control very, very off.
Up to the first corner, here he comes, sliding a little bit on the way in.
Loads of tyre squeal but it's drowned out
by the sounds of that big, angry super-charged V8.
(PROGRESSIVE ROCK PLAYING)
Or it would be if The Stig weren't listening to his new collection
of prog rock. Focus there. Very good.
Ah, he's neat into Chicago. Big, big slide on the way out.
And he's on his way down to the Hammerhead.
Braking in this car is so brutal,
it would be less painful to actually hit the tree we're trying to miss.
Look how flat it is round there, though.
Very heavy car, but he's got it at the Airmatic 2 setting.
Coming up into the Follow-through.
-(TYRES SQUEAL) -Oh, listen to that noise!
It's like Barry White eating wasps!
Okay, over the first half, the CLS was very, very quick.
Can he maintain it all the way to the line?
Into Gambon, kicking up dust and across the line!
Now this is the first opportunity we've ever had to see how fast
one of these AMG engine Mercs will go around our track.
The only one we've had before was the SL, which is way down here for two reasons.
First, it was very wet, and secondly, it was mine.
-I told The Stig to back off a bit. -(CROWD CHUCKLES)
Anyway, this has gone round in one minute 26.9,
-which is way up here. -(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Four-door saloon, only 0.1 second slower than a Ferrari 575.
That is a phenomenal car.
And now the news.
And of course, the biggest news whilst we've been off air
is that Rover is over.
Yep, finished. And it's your fault, Jeremy. You did that.
So I gather, yes, it's all my fault. Very sorry about that.
Uh, but more practically,
there must now be loads of Rovers lying around that people could go and buy.
Oh, have a look at this. Aerial shots of Britain's Rovers.
HAMMOND: They're all Rovers.
-HAMMOND: There's thousands of them! -MAY: Thousands of them.
Fields of them! So why can't we just go and buy them?
Because there's some sort of legal wrangle that says
they can't sell them yet because it's not clear who owns them all.
Who's owed money. But they will sell them eventually.
'Cause I was thinking about this the other day.
That Rover 75, the diesel has a BMW engine.
-So presumably, BM dealers can service that one. -Yes.
And the other one has the K series engine which has been
in Land Rovers and what have you so they'll be able to service that.
-Warranties? -Buy a warranty.
So you can do that? So you're saying...
You've always liked it, haven't you? The Rover 75.
I've always said it didn't help them but that the Rover 75 is a great car.
You should buy one.
They could put a "pick your own" sign on these fields.
That big juicy red one is the one for me.
How much discount do you reckon you'll get?
It could be 30-40, maybe more percent off.
Buy a Rover. We can say that, now they've gone bust.
Uh, now, yes. You may have noticed this week
that some Greenpeace activists broke into the Land Rover factory,
chained themselves to the production line, claiming that Range Rovers...
I don't know what they claim they do, but they do something wrong.
So, we're kinda with Greenpeace on this.
We think it's ridiculous that town and city centres
are clogged up with enormous gas guzzling vehicles.
But they only have one person on board. So, we thought
that we'd stage a protest of our own. And here it is.
This is Hammersmith bus depot at rush hour,
and we've handcuffed ourselves to a bus.
-Buses kill 48 badgers a week! -Buses burn planets!
CFCs coming out of the back of that bus are enough to fill
the Pacific Ocean every three weeks!
You're making this stuff up!
That's what you do to get in the papers.
You just make up statistics that get printed and you sound really good.
-What do we want? -A Range Rover!
When do we want it?
As soon as we can arrange easy finance!
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
You see, the bus driver was so angry, he had to ask for an autograph.
CLARKSON: And then they put a bus in front of us
so we couldn't be seen by all the passengers,
but we just chained ourselves to that one!
Cold, dead fingers will have to be prised from this bus.
The only way I'm leaving this bus is without this arm.
Once in a man's life... You just have to do the right thing.
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Yeah, now you see what happened here is that the police...
Really nice policemen, they really were,
and they said that they got better things to do really,
than deal with three middle class boys chained to a bus,
and would we mind going away?
So this is what happened.
-We ran away. -We ran away.
We're not as good at protesting, I think, as Greenpeace.
It was our first go at it. We're new to it!
Yeah. Now, you know Alistair Darling?
-Yes. -We've got a photograph of him here.
-HAMMOND: He still looks like a badger. -He does.
And he's our transport minister.
He has appointed a minister of road safety, whose name is...
-Ladyman. -It's not! No!
His name is Ladyman!
There's a picture of him.
Our Transport Department is now being run by Darling and Ladyman.
-Fantastic! -(ALL LAUGHING)
It's true! Mind you, I've done some checking on this guy.
Okay? Guess what he drives.
-HAMMOND: A bus. -No.
-A tandem bicycle. -No.
-A horse or a badger... -No, no.
He drives an Alfa Romeo. A 156.
And until recently, he had nine points on his licence.
HAMMOND: He's one of us!
Yeah. Welcome onboard, Mr Ladyman.
Pop down anytime you like. Bring Mr Darling with you.
Yeah. I'm gonna move on.
What's the ugliest car ever made?
MAN: Mazda MX-5.
-You stupid man! -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
How can you say a Mazda MX-5 is not good looking?
You're just not in touch with your woman's side there.
Can I suggest the Hyundai Matrix as the ugliest car?
-No, you can't. -That's hideous.
The whole of the rulebook of what is ugly
has been rewritten by a company called Ssangyong with this.
What the hell were they thinking? Look at the tyres.
The wheels are only nine inches big.
Look at this big gloopy front. I might be sick.
The thing about this car is it's gonna be sold in Britain
and they say it will cost less than £19,000!
About 19,000 less.
Remove it from my sight.
Top Gear--needs your help,
because in this series, we're going to be trying to find
what is the best driving song ever written.
Okay? Now, this is a song that when it comes on the radio
you just can't help putting your foot down a bit.
But this is a driving song. It's not just your favourite song.
'Cause sometimes your favourite driving song sounds rubbish out the car,
but in the car it just works!
I already know...
Please don't tell us any of your favourite tracks at all!
-(HUMMING) -Golden Earring.
I've been driving all night, my hands are wet on the wheel.
-This... -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Uh... Right, anyone else? Come on. What other songs?
-(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) -Chemical Brothers?
I was about to get onto this. Can we try to remember,
when we're voting for this, that music has been happening before the last two...
Can we ignore Jeremy? Chemical Brothers is perfectly acceptable.
You're just old and you won't know it.
He'll vote for Busted and McFly.
Maroon 5, maybe Girls Aloud.
-"Oh, that's a really ..." -Oh, let me guess.
The price of things these days.
And these new fangled CDs, you can't get the needle to stay on 'em.
Above his bed, he's got a picture of Steps.
You can see it's gonna be a big debate, this,
and that's what we're really hoping for.
So, do please write to us at...
Or of course, you can go onto our website which is...
Do please let us know what your favourite driving song ever is.
-And I'll try and keep him away from it. -(ALL LAUGHING)
Anyway, moving on, Hondas, they're reliable.
Very, yes, they are.
And they are quite economical. They have good residual values.
-They're not very funky, though. -BOTH: No.
No, no, no.
I think I've found one that is.
MAY: Amazingly, all these funky details can be found on a Honda.
It's called the Element.
It has a 2.4 litre petrol engine
and it looks like the lovechild of a Range Rover and a Nike trainer.
Sadly, though, there is a problem.
Honda don't sell this car in the UK.
And they say that's because they've already got
enough great cars for you to choose from.
MAY: You can buy one if you live in America, and for a modest £10,000.
In fact, this car was designed there
and specifically for 22-year-old American men
who have left college, but don't have jobs.
You do wish they could be a bit more specific about this!
MAY: Anyway, I really can't understand why Honda won't sell it in this country.
Because not only does it look funkier than James Brown's trousers,
this car has a lot going for it.
It does have the makings of that really rare beast,
a family car with charisma.
And it's clever, too.
Now normally, doors are just something to stop you
from falling out on roundabouts.
But these are much more interesting.
And look at this.
Excellent rear leg room
and pretty good luggage space as well.
Now normally in this kind of car,
you get one or the other, rarely both.
You just pull a little tab down here
and they fold completely flat
and then you just pull it up...
MAY: And when they finish fighting, the seats can either fold up against the walls,
or team up with each other to make beds.
It's rugged, too.
The seats are covered with the sort of material you'd find
on outdoor waterproof action clothing,
and the whole floor is covered in hose-down rubber.
You know, I really can't find the catch.
It's a family car, it's an outdoor adventure car,
it's got funky combat trouser looks.
I like these sort of pointlessly pointy glasses on the instruments.
I like these heater controls, shaped like a star-trooper's helmet.
It's got a cubbyhole for my iPod.
MAY: What this car might be, then, is something quite momentous.
I really think we might have the world's first cool Honda.
--MAY: But before we can confirm this,
we have to put the Element through a very tough test.
You see, there's a very good reason why Hondas
are generally not considered very cool in this country.
And it's because research shows
that the average age of the British Honda driver is...
MAY: So we've brought the Element to that epicentre of British oldness.
More specifically, to the Gildredge Park Bowling Club,
founded in 1920
by Sir Francis Drake.
Naturally, you can guess what its members drive.
-I've got a Honda. -MAY: You've got a Honda.
You've got a Honda. Who else has got a Honda?
-There's a lot of Hondas here. -(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
MAN: I love my Honda.
MAY: The question is, though, what do they think of the Element?
If they hate it, it could be cool.
But if they like it, we're back to square one.
It's a new design. It's not available in Britain yet.
It might be if you like it.
WOMAN: It's big, isn't it?
-What size engine? -2.3 litre.
-2.4. -It's 2.4 litre.
I think it'll be heavy on petrol.
I don't think it'll be economical.
--MAY: Quite right, madam. You see, I like this car.
So I'm kind of hoping they don't.
The thing I'm interested in is what you think of the shape.
I mean, it's chunky and it's sort of combat style. Do you like that?
For people at our age, no.
I think it's more appropriate for young mothers taking their children to school.
I'm not struck on the two-tone effect, myself.
-So you're saying it's difficult to climb into? -That's right.
I wonder what you get to the gallon.
What do you think of the idea of rubber carpet?
You'll have to fix it. I nearly slipped through.
Yes, that's a bit like putting a rug on a polished oak floor
-in the hallway, isn't it? -Yes.
But don't you think it's a bit, sort of...
It's a bit sort of young person and funky
like trainers and electronic devices?
Cool, I suppose they'd say, wouldn't they?
MAY: They retired for a game of bowls to consider their verdict
and then it was time for the moment of truth.
Would the Element be a car for people who like hip-hop,
or for people waiting for a hip op?
Okay, ladies and gentlemen. You've all had plenty of time
to look at the new Honda Element.
What I'd like to know is,
if this car were on sale in Britain, who would buy one?
Which of you wouldn't buy it?
-(ALL LAUGH) -It's a cool Honda!
You know, (CLEARS THROAT) I have to say it's a very funky car, this.
I really do like it because, the thing is with most MPVs,
like Renault Scenic, the mini ones,
what you're actually saying when you buy one of those is,
"Look, I've had children, I've served my biological purpose in life,
"and now I'm going to spend the rest of my life turning slowly beige."
Yes, exactly. You're the sort of bloke who gets up in the morning and says,
"You know, I think my trousers would be easier to put on if they were elasticated."
Exactly. But this changes everything.
Hondas say they weren't important to bring
'cause they already sell enough exciting cars here.
Well, there's the NSX, the S2000 and the Civic Type R, that's...
I think we could probably have a fourth without too much trouble.
I agree with you, but you could personally import one of these,
'cause it is essentially a Japanese car,
so they make it in right-hand drive.
It's got the engine out of the old person's Accord in it.
So your Honda dealer would be able to look after it.
The only slight problem is it's 10 grand in the States for your out-of-work blokes.
By the time you've got it on the road in Britain, more like 17.
I know that's a rip-off, but it's still only the same as a Renault Scenic.
-Exactly. -I'd have one of these, I really would.
Anyway, we've now gotta move on
and put a star in our reasonably priced car.
Our guest this week is an actor, very, very fine actor, no denying that.
He's won a BAFTA.
But recently in a newspaper interview,
he said he was a very, very fine driver.
Well, we'll be the judge of that, I think.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Nesbitt.
Now, you've just turned 40.
Yeah, I turned 40 this year.
Um... It's a problem when that happens, I find,
'cause it is that moment when you realise
all of your life's dreams are not actually...
You can remember your 40th easily.
-It was a while back. -(CHUCKLES)
What's 50 like?
I'm joking. You've got a full head of hair.
No! That's the problem.
You see, you've got the thing. You don't like going bald, do you?
I'm not for it necessarily.
But you look at them, you can see it going...
I look in the mirror and think, "Full head of hair."
-That's my problem. -I noticed there was no overhead camera.
People behind me go, (MIMICS SNIGGERING) "Look at baldy!
"I'm not bald. Look! I've got all my hair!"
No, I like being 40. My wife threw a great party.
On the day I had a fantastic sort of surprise,
where my three best mates from Ireland turned up
and we played golf. Rock 'n' roll.
When I look back on my 40th, I will look back on it fondly.
I'm telling you, you won't because it's the moment in your life
and I know, I've had five years of being in my 40s now,
what happens is, you wake up every day
and a bit of your body that worked perfectly well the day before
has broken in the night.
It's very depressing. Also my memory's gone completely. I can't...
I'm sure I'm doting... Do you have the word "doting" over here?
-Jeremy Clarkson. How do you do? -(ALL LAUGHING)
I'm John Hannah. I was in Four Weddings And A Funeral.
You've had to... (CHUCKLES) I've just gotten that!
You've had to get in shape, of course, 'cause Murphy's Law--is back.
This Thursday, the 26th, yeah.
And you do have to be quite fit for that.
We changed it a lot this year.
We tried to make it a bit darker and more real.
We tried to create this character who has this exceptional force of will,
and a refusal to submit to fear.
It was an excuse to get other people to pay for me to get fit.
So I got this fantastic personal trainer called Mona MacIntyre,
who is fit indeed,
and she trained me three times a week to try and become all hard.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Did you have to...
That's come out wrong.
She's one of my wife's best friends and mine as well.
And her husband Chris is a terrific guy.
You also learned how to break down and assemble a gun, I gather.
Well, I play an armourer.
There's a whole episode where I have to recommission AK-47s.
Just the man!
I've got an AK-47.
How did you do it?
Yeah, and Ross Kemp from Ultimate Force,--right,
he took the back off the other day,
and he couldn't get it back on again.
It's easy to strip them. It's very hard putting them back.
It's a breach block and all that. And putting them back together...
If a burglar comes now, I'm sorry, I can't shoot him.
-Can you mend a car, then? -No, I'm not great with cars.
They're quite complicated, to be honest.
Yeah. I never knew an awful lot about cars.
That is obvious...
-(CHUCKLES) Right. -...from your car history.
What we do is, all the guests we have on the show, we have charts.
People who arrive the latest,
people who have the biggest entourage...
We don't name names... Jordan, Vinnie...
But we do have a chart for who had the worst car history
which Rob Brydon has always been at the top of.
It's not great.
You started well with a Lada.
I passed my test in a Lada.
But I love Ladas 'cause they were exactly the way you'd draw cars as a kid.
-You draw a car like that. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It takes a while to pass your test in a Lada,
because it takes too long to turn it in a corner.
A three-point-turn was presumably even in...
Well, you didn't need to do it in one round.
You just went to a bigger field and eventually try and get around.
And then I had a Fiesta that my mum and dad gave me,
which I drove from Stranraer down to London.
The next day, Sonia, my wife at that stage, who had just passed her test,
within 10 minutes drove it into a bus.
But then I bought Helen Baxendale's Saab 900i.
-That's an improvement. -(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
It was great. I loved it.
There's a chair at the back. Someone's got a Saab. Nice bloke.
He likes the idea of Helen Baxendale driving it, I think.
Which is indeed why I bought it.
I bought it for £1,800.
And I drove it to Manchester for the first or second season of Cold Feet,
thought, "I'd better leave it in for a service."
Took it to the Saab guys in Castlefield. Two grand I had to spend on it.
And the people at the garage said,
"Well, she clearly knew there was something seriously wrong with it."
So Helen Baxendale is Arthur Daley.
-Yeah, is a liar. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Now tonight, of course, we reunited you with your dodgy past.
Because you were put into our reasonably priced car.
To be honest, on your practice runs, things didn't go that well.
-No, not great. -Anybody want to see?
Okay, let's just have a look at one of the practices here...
Oh, (BLEEP) me. I forgot!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's the best piece of car control I've ever seen!
I've never seen anyone get a car go beyond 90 degrees on grass, going,
"I'm not giving in! I'm not giving in!"
It's annoying that, because that was going to be my only fast lap.
I was flying and I just... I was going down the end, and I...
And Stig told me to, 'cause I was getting tense...
And he told me to take my mind off and talk to myself
so I was trying to do various impressions and I'm the world's worst impressionist.
And on that last strip coming through the corner,
I was doing the world's worst Mary Walker.
I only realised when I'd passed the 100 sign
at which I was supposed to brake.
I was at the 50 sign, and I thought, "Oh, I've missed it!"
-Shall we have a look at the lap proper? -Oh, no.
-Shall we see how it went? -AUDIENCE: Yes!
Play the tape.
Play the tape.
CLARKSON: We'll buy a new clutch for next week when Jack Dee is here!
-CLARKSON: This is a tricky corner. -I know. It's not easy.
CLARKSON: It rolls all over the place.
I know. I just couldn't quite hold it.
And then I died there. Look, I'm dying.
CLARKSON: No, it's all right. It's steady...
You see, slow in there is important.
Otherwise, you just slide wide and you've had it.
(MIMICS FRANK SPENCER) I'm coming up to the chicane now!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -I don't know what I'm going to do here.
CLARKSON: Did it relax you? Did that make you feel better?
JAMES: That's ridiculous!
CLARKSON: Yeah, that wasn't good.
(MIMICS FRANK SPENCER) Leave it there. I'll fix it in the morning!
CLARKSON: Anyone else?
Oh, my God!
There you go. Second-to-last corner.
It's not easy, that.
CLARKSON: Made it that time, all right.
CLARKSON: Through Gambon and away we go across the line!
Where would you like to...
I'd like to be faster than the blind man.
And I would like to be faster than Coogan.
Well, you're okay on Coogan, because he's a mate, isn't he?
He came here... Honestly, it was monsoonical the day he came.
'Cause he's a good driver, Steve. He really is.
But he just got stumped by the weather.
-You did better than that. -All right, okay.
You did a lot better than that, in fact.
You did it in one minute, 51.03.
You're quicker than Christian Slater, man!
And he was quick!
He was quick!
-So for a man with a rubbish history in cars... -Yeah.
That was an exceptionally good time, I have to say.
-It's not like you've had 20 years of practice. -No.
Anyway, it's been an absolute pleasure having you here.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Nesbitt!
Now, earlier on, James... Not Nesbitt, the other bloke,
drove a car that the Japanese won't be selling in Britain.
Now, here's one that they will be.
HAMMOND: This is the new Toyota Aygo, and it's a tiny city car,
the smallest vehicle that Toyota has ever sold in Europe.
In truth, that's not very interesting,
but then, neither are Toyota cars.
And a million people buy them because they never break down.
But we think the Aygo is interesting.
Firstly, it looks great, kind of young and cute.
Secondly, it's cheap.
It costs just £7,000.
Now you might think we're just into solid gold Lamborghinis
and Ferraris with jet engines, and you'd be right,
but we do love cheap cars.
Especially clever cheap cars.
Let me explain.
Some cars are designed and then built cheaply.
The Aygo was designed to be cheap from the start.
It's in its genes.
Look at this! In most hatchbacks,
the hatch is a piece of metal and glass.
In this case, it is just one sheet of glass,
which means they save money on expensive metal pressings.
And it only needs one gas strut to hold it up.
And there's even just one piece of string to hold up the parcel shelf.
It all adds up.
And look inside.
Just simple painted metal.
And no extra fripperies like dual controls
for the windows on the driver's side.
In most cars, as well, the seats are different for passenger and driver.
In this car, they're both exactly the same,
and that saves costs at the factory.
They've also lopped a cylinder off the engine,
leaving three, which saves money and weight,
which means this tiny car has a tiny thirst.
It's also put together like Lego, so if you, say, smack a bumper,
it removes with just two bolts.
Now that brings servicing cost down,
and that means the insurance is cheaper.
It gets a rating of just group 1.
Although it's been built in the cheapest possible way,
they've left in stuff that you'd like.
Little things that make driving civilised.
So you get ABS and airbags
and you can have SatNav and air conditioning if you want.
But there's other stuff, little touches that let you know
they've really thought about it.
Here, on the stereo, there's a socket so you can plug your iPod in.
So we like the cut of its jib.
But the Aygo is a city car, so now we're going to find out if it's nippy,
light on its feet, good at changing direction,
darting in and out of traffic, that sort of thing.
And to do that, we're going to have a game of football.
Yes, welcome to the world premiere of Aygo five-a-side football.
It's a new --Top Gear sport.
Last year, we tried to get Historic People Carrier racing off the ground
and absolutely nobody could care less.
This'll probably be the same.
The rules are simple.
It's playground five-a-side with no goalie.
Obviously, the players need quality drivers.
So as team captain, I'm going to pick them,
along with the other team captain Jose May-Rinho.
Go on, you pick first.
I quite like the sound of this Russ Swift bloke.
He's been part of a display team.
And he's appeared on Cilla's Moment of Truth.
So he must be good. Mr Swift.
Here's your free shirt, mate.
I'll have the boy, then. I'll have Paul Smith, the other half of that duo.
He was actually British Autotest Champion in 2004.
There's you t-shirt, thank you very much.
Matt Neal, four times British Touring Car Championship Champion.
I want a bit of age and experience on my team,
and you can't get more of that than with Tim Harvey.
Started racing professionally in 1821.
Dan Eaves, current BTCC Championship Champion.
Sir, you've won a shirt.
Ben Collins, because he's done Formula One testing,
he's raced in ASCAR, NASCAR. There you go, t-shirt.
Robert Huff, already the Seat Cupra Championship
Tom Chilton, youngest-ever guy to win a race in the BTCC Championship.
-What's that got to do with football? -Absolutely nothing.
MAY: With the players picked, it was time for some complex team tactics.
Move around and put the ball between those posts.
To win the game you've got to score more goals than the other team, okay?
HAMMOND: While the teams limbered up, James and I tossed for the kick-off.
-Heads it is. -Yeah!
Good luck, then, sir.
-May the best team win. -Mine.
HAMMOND: Kick-off, this is it.
Oh! That's not good! I have to head off number four there!
The Aygo is also agile.
The steering on this car is light, it's easy to manoeuvre
in a supermarket carpark football situation.
--HAMMOND: More than that, the Aygo allowed James to do
the first sporting thing in his life!
Head it on through.
Yes! I've scored a goal at football!
-I've scored a goal! -(HONKING)
I won the kick-off, so here it comes.
Yes, yes! We're finally getting a fair end!
Oh, that's a big one!
Brakes are pretty good.
MAY: Then the Reds made a break for the Blue goal,
But Hammond used the Aygo's low weight
to make a brilliant interception.
HAMMOND: Next, May in Red one was going for a second goal, when...
Oh, no! I've collided with my own man.
I screwed that up!
-(HOOTER BLOWING) -MAY: Half-time.
I bet the clutch is pleased.
And the cars changed ends.
Here we go. Second half, it's our chance for an equaliser.
MAY: My kick-off.
I've dummied him and we're off to the goal!
Oh, no. We've lost possession.
Oh, no! They're steaming straight for it!
That was the equaliser for Blue!
Our kick-off again, and I'm passing it to Russ Swift.
Oh, he's punted it straight over their line!
He's taking it down the wing.
They've cleared it. They're away!
HAMMOND: By now we'd found out that the Aygo has all the makings
of a great little city car.
And that was good, as with just a few minutes to go and the score at one-all
the match got dirty.
Door ball. That's not allowed.
One of the things I will say about this car...
It does withstand quite severe knocks very well.
Oh, no! My own man's reversed into me.
This is heart-stopping stuff.
HAMMOND: And then, just before the final whistle...
...with James defending the goal.
-(HORN BLOWING) -Yes!
I can't stand it.
Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah!
What a... Oh, mate,
what a great, great piece of goalkeeping.
"I've stalled at the last minute and it won't..." That was brilliant.
I'm not over the moon, Richard.
I am, oddly enough.
-Can we talk about the car? -Yes.
I think this actually is a great, little car.
-It is. -I really do.
But it isn't quite as simple as that.
Because you see, this is a very small Peugeot
and this over here is an equally small Citroen.
Now don't be fooled by the fact that they've all got slightly different faces.
They are, in fact, the same car underneath.
They're built in the same factory,
they're built by the same people,
and they'll all got the same engine.
But it's not as simple as that either.
Because the Toyota and the Peugeot both cost £7000.
The Citroen, same car,
costs £6,500, 500 quid cheaper.
So, from the three, go for that one.
Okay, it's time to do the Cool Wall, and we have a problem.
Because, you see, since I came up with this idea a couple of years ago,
I've always used Kristin Scott Thomas, the actress, as a yardstick.
The idea being that if you drove over to Paris where she lives,
how would she react to any given car that you happened to be in?
The problem is that while we were off air,
I actually met her. Lovely girl,
but it turns out she drives a Honda Civic.
And she doesn't really like the Aston Martin DB9
that we have in a special supercool section here.
She much prefers the Bentley Continental in red.
Really? In red? So we're gonna have to change everything.
The Aston's got to go down there,
we've got to put that in the fridge.
It's a complete switch around.
No, no, no.
No, it isn't. We are just going to find a new yardstick.
You can't just say that a yard isn't a yard. That's the measure!
No, sorry. Kristin, beautiful girl,
absolutely lovely, but gone.
The new yardstick is Fiona Bruce, the newsreader.
Until she turns out not to be a yard, I presume. Then...
No, then we'll get Sophie Raworth.
All right, let's apply the new yardstick to this.
This is an example of a car that actually isn't very good at all,
as we agreed on the last series of Top Gear.
-However... -A Chrysler 300C is what it's called.
It's a Chrysler 300C, and it is cool.
Wrong. I'm going to give you four words.
Rio, Rooney, Wayne and Ferdinand.
They have a Chrysler 300C.
Wayne Rooney's got that car. It's dead.
But isn't Wayne Rooney supposed to be cool? He is cool!
His girlfriend, Colleen... What's her name?
Her face is on the cover of Vogue.
She's on the front of Vogue--magazine.
-Yes, yes. -That's pretty cool.
But people who look like her are normally found on the front of Blackpool,
in a kiosk, selling chips.
Who thinks that is a cool car?
-Oh, no, that's just... -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's not a cool car!
It is! It's a cool car.
It's a cool car. I still maintain that's...
-One day! One day! -You'll still lose.
Now, the Golf. Which is here.
We read recently that the Pope has got one.
We think, as celebrity endorsements go...
-That's a big one! -I drive one.
He drives one. It's pretty big.
So we're thinking, if you'd like to move that up a bit.
That would be...
I kind of like it there.
There's another one here, the Maserati Quattroporte,
which we've had here. Now since we put it there,
Bonio out of U2 has bought one.
Bonio is a cool man.
And he's done his bit for third world debt by buying one of those.
'Cause he sent his money to Italy, so...
That actually might even move now into Supercool.
Anybody else got any thoughts on cars they see here
that ought to be moved?
MAN: The Evo.
You what, sorry? Hang on, come over here.
The Mitsubishi Evo.
-The Mitsubishi Evo is what? -Cool.
That's honestly... I'm not joking.
You remember when Neville Chamberlain got off the plane?
-No. -Waved the piece of paper around.
That was the last time someone was as wrong as you've just been.
Peace in our time.
-I'm sorry? -MAN: The Porsche.
Now which Porsche have you got in mind?
The yellow one.
-The yellow one. -The yellow one.
Things you shouldn't say here, number one.
Where do you want it moving to?
I think it's cool. I'm sure...
He's a cool-looking guy, this bloke, actually.
But he's let himself down when he opened his trap.
-Why, yes. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm aware that we're actually still before the watershed
but I'm gonna show you something.
(STAMMERING) Not the Alpha Romeo!
It's the Alpha Romeo Brera. There it is.
-(EXCLAIMS) -Oh! That's filth!
That is filth! I have to say
that's the first time that's ever happened to me on television.
-Um... -Every time I see this...
It's Nobby Stiles, Geoff Hurst, Bobby Charlton...
What a thing! In fact, I'm just going to take that with me.
Richard's gone to the lavatory with the picture of the Alfa Romeo.
My turn next!
Right, now we've got to move on.
Um, with this. It's a mobile phone.
And it's also an internet and it's an address book and it's a camera.
And if it's possible to do this,
then I wonder, is it possible to turn
a Range Rover into a sports car?
Obviously it's very difficult when you've got a bunch of hippies
chained to the production line.
But that hasn't stopped Land Rover from trying.
--CLARKSON: This is what they've come up with,
the Range Rover Sport.
They say that making it was a challenge
and I'm not surprised because things which are tall are not sporty.
I know this.
Even so, this new car goes from nought to 60 in seven seconds.
And it has so much power
that the top speed has had to be pegged at 140
to stop the tyres bursting.
And what's more, Land Rover say it's not just fast in a straight line.
They say that thanks to some fancy new anti-roll bars
it can also handle the bends.
They're right, it does!
The steering's sharp, the brakes are massive, it doesn't roll too much.
A bump and then a bend.
And it just takes it all in its stride.
It's very, very good, this.
It's really very, very...
I'd say it was even more nimble than a Porsche KN Turbo,
and more comfortable, and more economical.
Probably do 12 miles to the gallon if you're careful.
And then there's the driving position.
In a normal off-road car,
you sit up high and you have to reach down to operate everything.
But in this I'm still sitting high up,
but they've raised the centre console
and the whole dashboard, so I feel cocooned.
Like I'm in the cockpit of a fighter bomber.
Now cruising at 35,000 feet!
Which we are. (CHUCKLES)
So, quite an achievement, then,
turning a mud-plugging Range Rover
into a growling night-hawk mud-mover.
Except they haven't, because this isn't a Range Rover.
I know it looks like a Range Rover
but the Sport is five inches shorter and lower.
The two cars don't share a single piece of bodywork.
And it's the same story underneath.
The chassis is from the new Discovery,
the brakes are from Brembo,
the supercharged 4.2 litre V8 engine is from Jaguar
and so is the steering.
And it uses the same sort of suspension components as a Porsche 911.
Sounds great, but there are some drawbacks.
If that pulled up outside your house, you'd think,
"Oh, no! A drug dealer is here."
And then there are some of the details.
The radiator grill, for example.
Looks like the sort of towel rail
that would be bought by the left-back for Cheshire United.
Then you've got this black stuff round the bottom of the window.
I know why they've done it,
to cover up the fact the dashboard's been raised.
But it's ugly. And so are the side-skirts.
But the worst thing, the worst thing of all is the tailgate,
because on a proper Range Rover it splits
like that. On this one,
you can either open the rear window,
for no reason that I can think of,
or you can open the whole tailgate.
Fine. But you're at a point-to-point, okay?
Without a flappy bit down here,
where do you sit?
Of course, the Sport is cheaper than a proper Range Rover.
You can have one with a turbo diesel V6 for £34,000,
which is almost cheaper than a horse.
But, I'm sorry, you can't have this car with a diesel engine.
It'd be like saying, "I won't go to Stringfellows tonight,
"I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance. She's a woman."
You have to have this £59,000 Supercharge V8
because, taste and tailgate aside,
it really does seem to have all the bases covered.
It's a high-riding, fatboy hothatcher,
satellite guided stereo with 20-inch rim.
It's also a 140 mile an hour mobile phone.
It's a living room. It's got a fridge
and I'm fairly sure that somewhere in here
there's a tool for getting the stones out of horses' hooves.
It seems to do everything.
But does it?
Because it now has sports steering and sports suspension
and a sporty spoiler at the front,
does it mean it no longer works off-road?
Well, to find out we've devised a little test.
This is a Challenger 2 tank.
It has a 12-cylinder diesel engine
which produces 1,200 horsepower
and that's enough for a top speed of nearly 40 miles an hour.
Not bad for something which weighs 62 tons.
The thing I'm most interested in, though, is the big gun,
which, as you can see, is rifled for greater accuracy.
Not like those smooth-bore American ones
that just hit something over there.
It fires a smorgasbord of ammunition,
chief among which, really, you've got high explosive rounds
which hit the target, blow it to pieces.
Or the depleted uranium rounds
which penetrate the armour on the target
and give everyone inside two heads.
The natural habitat for the Challenger 2 is Salisbury Plain,
94,000 acres of scarred and rutted terrain
swarming with heavy armour.
You'd be mad to bring a car here.
But you'd have to be insane to bring one here
for a fight with a Challenger 2 and its crew.
The idea is that I've gotta drive the Range Rover Sport from here...
..to those woods over there.
And you've got to see if you can get your gun
pointed at me in such a way
that if you pushed the fire button I'd be history.
Who's the gunner? Who's the one...
-You're the gunner. -Yep.
I'll be keeping you in my sight.
Trying. You'll be trying.
I will be.
Sorry. How old are you?
26! Thinks he knows everything!
Just watch this. Watch this!
So here we are on the start line.
I have a cunning plan. They'll be expecting me to go forwards
because that's where the destination is.
-Ready? -Three, two, one.
Now! Now! Now!
-SOLDIER: Left! -(CHUCKLES)
Left, left, left, left, left, left.
God, that barrel turns quickly.
But not quickly enough!
And straight into the woods.
Hard reverse! Hard reverse!
I've read enough war comics to know that tanks can't go in woods.
-Halt! -'Cause they can't move their barrel around.
I'm light, I'm nimble, I'm agile.
On! Firing. Missed.
What I hadn't read though
was the war comic featuring the challenger's secret weapon.
What in the name of all that's holy is he doing?
He's making smoke. I can't see!
I can't see anything.
Keep tracking. Pick him up.
If I don't get going soon,
my big hot supercharger will be a red glow
on his thermal imaging camera.
I was stuck in the woods being turned into a kipper
so I decided to deploy the car's tyre-bursting speed.
And away we go!
Over rough ground, the Challenger 2 is the fastest tank in the world.
Now I'm doing 40 miles an hour.
The tank can go that fast, though! Oh!
Oh, no, I seem to have brought Puff Daddy's car to the Somme.
This is where I've had it.
You can't drive an off-road car,
not even one as good as this,
over this kind of surface fast.
And you can with a tank.
Speed wasn't working. I couldn't break free from that gun.
(SOLDIER SPEAKING ON RADIO)
CLARKSON: I need some cover.
Now what are you gonna do?
'Cause I can out-turn you, sunshine!
He's going round in circles. (BLEEP)
You see, what I've done brilliantly is hidden behind these bushes.
So I'm fully protected from the high explosive round by the branches.
MAN: Get round the corner.
But then it dawned on me that the branches might not actually stop the shell.
Look at this. Watch what I can do here.
Sneak behind him. He doesn't know. Yes!
Stumped by my agility.
And I'm making smoke. Oh, yes!
MAN: Fast as you can.
In seconds, though, he was back on my tail.
I've got to say,
I know it's not the most important thing at the moment,
but some of the ride comfort has been lost
by turning the Range Rover into a sport model.
There was no way I could survive in open ground.
MAN 1: I've got him. I've got him.
MAN 2: Okay, nail him. Nail him.
Firing. Missed him.
Because that turret can do a full rotation in nine seconds.
So my last chance was to try some serious off-roading.
If I can get down to the bottom of this ridge here,
he won't be able to come down. Oh!
Wait a minute. Neutral. I want that on.
Low-range. Come on, hurry up!
He can't follow me down here.
And when I'm at the bottom, his gun won't go low enough to get me.
He's just coming down!
Quick down! Quick down! Quick down!
If I speed back up again...
Don't let me down now!
Do not let me down now.
That's it! Harness it.
Be good off-road.
Go round. Go round. Power!
Be a good off-road car. You are! Oh, yes.
Have to say, I really was expecting this to be useless off-road
and it just isn't.
That bought me some more time.
But not much.
This really is just the battle of range, who runs out of fuel first.
And that's a bad plan because I suspect it's going to be me.
You can't get away from it.
It is really a very, very good off-road car, this. It really is.
But if you're planning on invading another country,
use a tank.
Hit him now.
-Target. -Target stopped.
One times Clarkson destroyed. Well done.
I know, I'm dead. Blown.
Blown to pieces.
And these are the gentlemen who blew me to pieces.
Give them a big round of applause.
Well done. Well done.
HAMMOND: My heroes!
Well done. That was a great day out, that. Really was.
Can I just say... I've still...
I've got doubts about this car.
I mean, it is brilliant, there's no doubt...
Oh, it's a piece of engineering.
You have to doff your cap to the Land Rover engineers.
-It's epic. -It is.
You're gonna know where I'm going with this.
I think you're gonna agree
because at some point you'll be at the lights in your Sport,
and somebody's gonna pull up next to you in a proper big Range Rover
and you're gonna look and think, "Look how high they are!"
Well, you always think...
But that has a much better interior than the Sport.
And it has the fold-down tailgate.
And you can have that engine in this one.
Yeah, you can have the supercharged engine.
Then you've got the lot.
What I'd say in conclusion...
If you're hammering down a road
this Sport is 6% or 7% better than the normal Range Rover.
Final offer, 8% better than the normal Range Rover
but for everything else, that's best.
So that would be what we'd say in summary.
Is that if you're gonna buy a Range Rover, make it a proper one.
Not that anyone will listen to that.
They'll buy the Sport. And I reckon...
Well, every footballer's gonna have one for a start.
-Oh, yes. -And by next year,
you could walk from Chesire to Surrey
on like a carpet of Range Rover Sports
without ever touching the ground all the way.
Absolutely. And do you know what?
The Gulf stream would continue to flow.
And on that bombshell it's time to say goodnight.
See you next week. Take care. Bye!