Top Gear (2002–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - Episode #6.1 - full transcript

--CLARKSON: Tonight, Toyota's new small car.

Can it play football?

The new Range Rover Sport.

Can it outrun   a 120mm tank shell?

Brake hard.

CLARKSON: And James Nesbitt.

How will he get on   in a reasonably-priced car?

Hello and welcome to Top Gear.

Now, we've been told that in this new series

we've got to feature  more green cars.

So here's one.



(CROWD LAUGHING)

It's, um...

It's really the greenest car  we could find, really,

and hopefully, it will keep  the environmentals happy,

because coming up now  is what we've got in this  series for normal people.

Right.

(FIRING)

(LAUGHING)

I do that lap time in a van!

No, it's all over!

-(LAUGHING) -The next shot is going to be me overtaking him.

-CLARKSON: Here they come!  -It's going to explode!

-Flipping heck! -CLARKSON: Ooh, cheeky.

(TYRES SCREECHING)



What a sound!

I have got to beat those boys.

Driver, give it the berries.

Oh, this is easy!

(EXCLAIMS) Paint...

-Yes! Go! -Yeah!

You got it out!

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Oh, yes! A smorgasbord  of excitement there,

and we're going to start in a similar vein

with a four-door  Mercedes saloon car.

--CLARKSON: This is it.   The Mercedes CLS.

At the front, it certainly looks like a normal Mercedes.

Same grills, same headlamps.

But from there backwards,   it goes berserk.

The idea is that   you have a boring   four-door saloon

which looks like an elegant two-door coupe.

I have to say,  I think it's epic.

--CLARKSON: I love   some of the details, too,

the pillarless doors and the brake lights, which look like aliens.

Then inside, you have   a dirty great slab   of unpolished wood,

and seats   which massage you   as you drive along.

Course, you're probably thinking, that with such a smooth coupe shape,

the back seats would only   be suitable for Anne Boleyn.

Well, yes,  there are only two seats,

rather than  the more usual three,

but there is enough space  for people with heads.

I mean,  you'd be fine back here for  a short trip to the golf club.

And you would be going  to the golf club, actually,

because the satellite  navigation screen

only lists petrol stations  and golf courses.

Everything the modern  Mercedes driver needs.

--CLARKSON: Thing is, though,   if I had one of these cars,

I certainly wouldn't   waste my life playing golf.

You see, this may have a big, very heavy body,

and it may have  the foundations from  a humdrum saloon, but, um...

Watch this!

You can have   the CLS with   a V6 or a V8.

But what I've got here is  the AMG supercharged V8.

CLARKSON: That's 5.5 litres   and as near as makes   no difference 500bhp.

And that means   0-60 in 4.5 seconds.

There's so much torque, that when you put your foot down,

you can actually  hear it growling.

(GROWLING)  I'm so angry about  being an engine!

(GROWLING) I wanted to be an eagle or a lion!

Sadly, you don't get  Merc's new seven-speed  automatic gear box.

The engine would just... (LAUGHS)

Rip it apart.

But you do get  the same brake technology

that you find on  the SLR super car.

So, when you hit the pedal...

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

Ooh...

It actually hurts.

(CHUCKLES)  It really does, actually.

It feels like my face  is being pulled off.

Ow!

--CLARKSON: On top of this,   the CLS is set up to be

40% stiffer and sportier than the normal E-class.

So, let's disengage  the traction control

and engage the  Airmatic DC Sports 2  setting on the suspension,

and see what's what.

Whoa!

So controllable!

It's unbelievable!

Big slide.

Hard on those brakes,  turn in, feel the bag start to go...

Slips and locks, though.

That's amazing!

I was expecting it to be a big wallowy suet pudding of a thing.

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

This is a fabulous  handling thing.

The only trouble is,

that even with  the traction control  turned off,

the brakes  are still being used  to try and stop these slides.

And, well, you can see  the effect that has.

Look, it says here,  they've overheated.

It's telling me  to drive carefully.

Okay, I'll ease it  down to 140,

but frankly,  I'm having too much fun  to go any slower than that.

--CLARKSON: Prices for the CLS   start at £43,000.

This super-charged version   is £70,000, and that's a lot.

But then, it is a lot of car.

In fact, there's only   one thing that would stop me   from buying one.

It's a Mercedes.

There was a time when Mercedes

was a by-word   for absolute quality   and fastidious customer care,

but 10 years ago,   the top brass decided

their cars were   needlessly over-engineered.

In other words,   they decided to save money

by cutting corners.

CLARKSON: The result  is plain to see.

In 1994, Mercedes was first

in the JD power  customer satisfaction  survey in America.

In 2004, they were nine places  from the bottom.

--CLARKSON: They say that today   the quality is coming back.

They say they've   cut their profits from three   to one billion a year,

to make sure their cars are built properly.

But they say lots of things.

I mean, Mercedes say that  this engine is hand-built  at the AMG plant

by just a few dozen  of their most  highly-skilled engineers.

Look, they even  put a plaque on it,

saying that this particular  one was handcrafted

by Torsten someone or other.

Thing is, though, I happen  to know that AMG make 18,000  of these engines every year.

That's 100 a shift.

By hand?

CLARKSON: I really hope my worries about quality are unfounded,

because I love this car, this thug in a silk dressing gown.

And I just hope   it's as well made   as they say it is.

Anyway, enough of all that quality stuff. I want to go back a bit.

How many of those engines  does AMG make by hand  every year?

18,000, and that's not  including the ones they make  for Pagani with the Zonda.

-Over 18,000? By hand.  -Yeah.

I mean, Fritz must be  the hardest working bloke  in the whole of Europe!

He is.

(GERMAN ACCENT) "I can't  come home tonight. I must  make another 20,000 engines

-"with my hands!"  -(CROWD LAUGHING)

"Fingers are worn  to the bone!"

It's amazing!

It's no wonder he gets  the odd one wrong.

-Um, anyway.  -(CROWD CHUCKLING)

We must now find out  how fast this car  goes around the track,

which means we have to  hand it over to our  tame racing driver.

Some say he never  blinks and that he

roams around  the woods at night  foraging for wolves.

All we know is  he's called The Stig.

And away he goes!  Oh, lots of wheel spin  off the line there.

The Stig has  the traction control  very, very off.

Up to the first corner,  here he comes, sliding  a little bit on the way in.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

Loads of tyre squeal  but it's drowned out

by the sounds of that  big, angry super-charged V8.

(PROGRESSIVE ROCK PLAYING)

Or it would be if  The Stig weren't listening  to his new collection

of prog rock. Focus there. Very good.

Ah, he's neat into Chicago.  Big, big slide on the way out.

And he's on his way down to the Hammerhead.

Braking in this car  is so brutal,

it would be less painful to actually hit the tree  we're trying to miss.

Look how flat it is  round there, though.

Very heavy car,  but he's got it  at the Airmatic 2 setting.

Coming up into  the Follow-through.

-(TYRES SQUEAL)  -Oh, listen to that noise!

It's like Barry White  eating wasps!

Okay, over the first half,  the CLS was very, very quick.

Can he maintain it all the way to the line?

Into Gambon,  kicking up dust  and across the line!

Now this is  the first opportunity  we've ever had to see how fast

one of these AMG engine Mercs  will go around our track.

The only one we've had before  was the SL, which is  way down here for two reasons.

First, it was very wet,  and secondly, it was mine.

-I told The Stig  to back off a bit.  -(CROWD CHUCKLES)

Anyway, this has gone round  in one minute 26.9,

-which is way up here.  -(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

Four-door saloon,  only 0.1 second slower  than a Ferrari 575.

That is a phenomenal car.

And now the news.

And of course, the biggest news whilst we've been off air

is that Rover is over.

Yep, finished.  And it's your fault, Jeremy.  You did that.

So I gather, yes,  it's all my fault.  Very sorry about that.

Uh, but more practically,

there must now be  loads of Rovers lying around  that people could go and buy.

Oh, have a look at this. Aerial shots of Britain's Rovers.

HAMMOND: They're all Rovers.

-HAMMOND: There's thousands of them! -MAY: Thousands of them.

Fields of them!  So why can't we just  go and buy them?

Because there's some sort of  legal wrangle that says

they can't sell them yet because it's not clear who owns them all.

Who's owed money.  But they will  sell them eventually.

'Cause I was thinking  about this the other day.

That Rover 75, the diesel  has a BMW engine.

-So presumably, BM dealers  can service that one.  -Yes.

And the other one has  the K series engine  which has been

in Land Rovers  and what have you so they'll  be able to service that.

-Warranties? -Buy a warranty.

So you can do that?  So you're saying...

You've always liked it,  haven't you? The Rover 75.

I've always said it didn't  help them but that the  Rover 75 is a great car.

You should buy one.

They could put a  "pick your own"  sign on these fields.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That big juicy red one  is the one for me.

How much discount  do you reckon you'll get?

It could be 30-40, maybe more percent off.

Buy a Rover. We can say that,  now they've gone bust.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Uh, now, yes.  You may have  noticed this week

that some Greenpeace activists broke into the Land Rover factory,

chained themselves to  the production line,  claiming that Range Rovers...

I don't know what  they claim they do,  but they do something wrong.

So, we're kinda with  Greenpeace on this.

We think it's ridiculous  that town and city centres

are clogged up  with enormous gas  guzzling vehicles.

But they only have  one person on board.  So, we thought

that we'd stage a protest  of our own. And here it is.

This is Hammersmith bus depot  at rush hour,

and we've handcuffed ourselves  to a bus.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-Buses kill 48 badgers a week!  -Buses burn planets!

CFCs coming out of the back  of that bus are enough to fill

the Pacific Ocean  every three weeks!

You're making this stuff up!

That's what you do  to get in the papers.

You just make up  statistics that get printed  and you sound really good.

MAY: Right.

-What do we want?  -A Range Rover!

When do we want it?

As soon as we can  arrange easy finance!

(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

You see, the bus driver  was so angry, he had to ask  for an autograph.

CLARKSON: And then  they put a bus in front of us

so we couldn't be seen  by all the passengers,

but we just chained  ourselves to that one!

Cold, dead fingers will have  to be prised from this bus.

The only way  I'm leaving this bus  is without this arm.

-Yeah.  -Yup.

Once in a man's life... You just have to do the right thing.

(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Yeah, now you see  what happened here  is that the police...

Really nice policemen,  they really were,

and they said that they got  better things to do really,

than deal with three  middle class boys  chained to a bus,

and would we mind going away?

So this is what happened.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-We ran away.  -We ran away.

We're not as good at protesting, I think, as Greenpeace.

It was our first go at it.  We're new to it!

Yeah. Now,  you know Alistair Darling?

-Yes. -We've got a photograph of him here.

-HAMMOND: He still  looks like a badger.  -He does.

And he's our  transport minister.

He has appointed a minister  of road safety,  whose name is...

-Ladyman.  -It's not! No!

His name is Ladyman!

There's a picture of him.

Our Transport Department is now being run by Darling and Ladyman.

-Fantastic! -(ALL LAUGHING)

It's true!  Mind you, I've done  some checking on this guy.

Okay?  Guess what he drives.

-HAMMOND: A bus. -No.

-A tandem bicycle.  -No.

-A horse or a badger... -No, no.

He drives an Alfa Romeo. A 156.

Really?

And until recently,  he had nine points on his licence.

HAMMOND: He's one of us!

Yeah. Welcome onboard,  Mr Ladyman.

Pop down anytime you like.  Bring Mr Darling with you.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Yeah. I'm gonna move on.

What's the ugliest car  ever made?

MAN: Mazda MX-5.

-You stupid man!  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

How can you say a Mazda MX-5  is not good looking?

You're just not in touch  with your woman's side there.

Can I suggest  the Hyundai Matrix  as the ugliest car?

-No, you can't. -That's hideous.

The whole of the rulebook  of what is ugly

has been rewritten  by a company called  Ssangyong with this.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

What the hell  were they thinking?  Look at the tyres.

The wheels are only  nine inches big.

Look at this big gloopy front.  I might be sick.

The thing about this car is  it's gonna be sold in Britain

and they say it will cost  less than £19,000!

(ALL LAUGHING)

About 19,000 less.

Remove it from my sight.

Now...

Top Gear--needs your help,

because in this series, we're going to be trying to find

what is the best driving song  ever written.

Okay? Now, this is a song that  when it comes on the radio

you just can't help  putting your foot down a bit.

But this is a driving song.  It's not just  your favourite song.

'Cause sometimes  your favourite driving song  sounds rubbish out the car,

but in the car it just works!

I already know...

Please don't tell us any of  your favourite tracks at all!

Radar Love.

-(HUMMING) -Golden Earring.

I've been driving all night,  my hands are wet on the wheel.

-This...  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Uh... Right, anyone else?  Come on. What other songs?

-(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)  -Chemical Brothers?

I was about to get onto this.  Can we try to remember,

when we're voting for this,  that music has been happening  before the last two...

Can we ignore Jeremy? Chemical Brothers is perfectly acceptable.

You're just old  and you won't know it.

He'll vote for  Busted and McFly.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Maroon 5, maybe Girls Aloud.

-"Oh, that's a really ..."  -Oh, let me guess.

The price of things  these days.

And these new fangled CDs,  you can't get the needle  to stay on 'em.

Above his bed,  he's got a picture  of Steps.

You can see it's gonna be  a big debate, this,

and that's what we're really hoping for.

So, do please write to us  at...

(READING)

Or of course, you can go onto our website which is...

(READING)

Do please let us know  what your favourite  driving song ever is.

-And I'll try and keep him  away from it.  -(ALL LAUGHING)

Anyway, moving on, Hondas,  they're reliable.

Very, yes, they are.

They're practical.

They are.

And they are quite economical.  They have good  residual values.

-They're not very  funky, though.  -BOTH: No.

No, no, no.

I think I've found one  that is.

MAY: Amazingly, all these   funky details can be   found on a Honda.

It's called the Element.

It has a 2.4 litre   petrol engine

and it looks like the lovechild of a Range Rover and a Nike trainer.

Sadly, though,  there is a problem.

Honda don't sell this car  in the UK.

And they say that's because  they've already got

enough great cars for you to choose from.

MAY: You can buy one   if you live in America,   and for a modest £10,000.

In fact, this car   was designed there

and specifically   for 22-year-old American men

who have left college,   but don't have jobs.

You do wish they could  be a bit more  specific about this!

MAY: Anyway, I really can't understand why Honda won't sell it in this country.

Because not only does it look funkier than James Brown's trousers,

this car has a lot   going for it.

It does have the makings  of that really rare beast,

a family car with charisma.

And it's clever, too.

Now normally, doors are   just something to stop you

from falling out on roundabouts.

But these are   much more interesting.

And look at this.

Excellent rear leg room

and pretty good luggage space  as well.

Now normally  in this kind of car,

you get one or the other,  rarely both.

You just pull a little  tab down here

and they fold completely flat

and then you just  pull it up...

MAY: And when they finish fighting, the seats can either fold up against the walls,

or team up with each other to make beds.

It's rugged, too.

The seats are covered   with the sort of material   you'd find

on outdoor waterproof   action clothing,

and the whole floor is covered in hose-down rubber.

You know, I really can't find  the catch.

It's a family car,  it's an outdoor adventure car,

it's got funky combat  trouser looks.

I like these sort of  pointlessly pointy glasses  on the instruments.

I like these  heater controls, shaped  like a star-trooper's helmet.

It's got a cubbyhole  for my iPod.

MAY: What this car might be,   then, is something   quite momentous.

I really think we might have  the world's first cool Honda.

--MAY: But before   we can confirm this,

we have to put the Element   through a very tough test.

You see, there's a very good reason why Hondas

are generally not considered  very cool in this country.

And it's because research shows

that the average age  of the British Honda  driver is...

Old.

MAY: So we've brought   the Element to that epicentre   of British oldness.

Eastbourne.

More specifically,   to the Gildredge Park   Bowling Club,

founded in 1920

by Sir Francis Drake.

Naturally, you can guess what its members drive.

-I've got a Honda.  -MAY: You've got a Honda.

You've got a Honda.  Who else has got a Honda?

-There's a lot of Hondas here.  -(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

MAN: I love my Honda.

MAY: The question is, though,   what do they think   of the Element?

If they hate it,   it could be cool.

But if they like it,   we're back to square one.

It's a new design.  It's not available  in Britain yet.

It might be if you like it.

WOMAN: It's big, isn't it?

-What size engine?  -2.3 litre.

-2.4. -It's 2.4 litre.

I think it'll be heavy  on petrol.

I don't think  it'll be economical.

--MAY: Quite right, madam.   You see, I like this car.

So I'm kind of hoping   they don't.

The thing I'm interested in  is what you think  of the shape.

I mean, it's chunky  and it's sort of combat style.  Do you like that?

For people at our age, no.

I think it's more appropriate  for young mothers taking  their children to school.

I'm not struck on  the two-tone effect, myself.

-So you're saying  it's difficult to climb into?  -That's right.

I wonder what you get  to the gallon.

What do you think of the idea  of rubber carpet?

You'll have to fix it.  I nearly slipped through.

Yes, that's a bit like  putting a rug on  a polished oak floor

-in the hallway, isn't it?  -Yes.

But don't you think  it's a bit, sort of...

It's a bit sort of young person and funky

like trainers and electronic devices?

Cool, I suppose they'd say,  wouldn't they?

MAY: They retired   for a game of bowls   to consider their verdict

and then it was time for the moment of truth.

Would the Element be a car   for people who like hip-hop,

or for people   waiting for a hip op?

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.  You've all had plenty of time

to look at the new  Honda Element.

What I'd like to know is,

if this car were on sale in Britain, who would buy one?

I would.

Which of you wouldn't buy it?

Yes!

-(ALL LAUGH)  -It's a cool Honda!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Oh, yes.

You know, (CLEARS THROAT)  I have to say  it's a very funky car, this.

I really do like it because,  the thing is with most MPVs,

like Renault Scenic,  the mini ones,

what you're actually saying  when you buy one of those is,

"Look, I've had children,  I've served my  biological purpose in life,

"and now I'm going to  spend the rest of my life  turning slowly beige."

Yes, exactly. You're the  sort of bloke who gets up  in the morning and says,

"You know, I think my trousers  would be easier to put on  if they were elasticated."

Exactly.  But this changes everything.

Hondas say they weren't important to bring

'cause they already sell  enough exciting cars here.

Exactly.

Well, there's the NSX,  the S2000 and the Civic Type R, that's...

BOTH: Three.

I think we could  probably have a fourth  without too much trouble.

I agree with you, but you could personally import one of these,

'cause it is essentially a Japanese car,

so they make it  in right-hand drive.

It's got the engine out of the old person's Accord in it.

So your Honda dealer  would be able  to look after it.

The only slight problem is  it's 10 grand in the States  for your out-of-work blokes.

By the time you've got it  on the road in Britain,  more like 17.

I know that's a rip-off,  but it's still only the same  as a Renault Scenic.

-Exactly. -I'd have one of these, I really would.

Anyway, we've now  gotta move on

and put a star in our  reasonably priced car.

Our guest this week  is an actor, very, very fine  actor, no denying that.

He's won a BAFTA.

But recently in a newspaper  interview,

he said he was  a very, very fine driver.

Well, we'll be  the judge of that,  I think.

Ladies and gentlemen,  Jimmy Nesbitt.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Now, you've just turned 40.

Yeah, I turned 40 this year.

Um... It's a problem  when that happens, I find,

'cause it is that moment when you realise

all of your life's dreams  are not actually...

You can remember  your 40th easily.

-It was a while back.  -(CHUCKLES)

What's 50 like?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'm joking.  You've got  a full head of hair.

No! That's the problem.

You see, you've got the thing.  You don't like  going bald, do you?

I'm not for it necessarily.

But you look at them, you can see it going...

I look in the mirror  and think,  "Full head of hair."

(ALL LAUGHING)

-That's my problem.  -I noticed there was  no overhead camera.

People behind me go,  (MIMICS SNIGGERING)  "Look at baldy!

"I'm not bald.  Look! I've got all my hair!"

No, I like being 40.  My wife threw a great party.

On the day I had  a fantastic sort of surprise,

where my three best mates  from Ireland turned up

and we played golf.  Rock 'n' roll.

(ALL LAUGHING)

When I look back on my 40th,  I will look back on it fondly.

I'm telling you, you won't  because it's the moment  in your life

and I know,  I've had five years of  being in my 40s now,

what happens is,  you wake up every day

and a bit of your  body that worked  perfectly well the day before

has broken in the night.

It's very depressing. Also my memory's gone completely. I can't...

I'm sure I'm doting...  Do you have the  word "doting" over here?

-Jeremy Clarkson. How do you do? -(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm John Hannah.  I was in Four Weddings   And A Funeral.

You've had to... (CHUCKLES) I've just gotten that!

You've had to get in shape,  of course, 'cause   Murphy's Law--is back.

This Thursday, the 26th, yeah.

And you do have  to be quite fit for that.

We changed it a lot this year.

We tried to make it  a bit darker and more real.

We tried to create this  character who has this  exceptional force of will,

and a refusal to submit to fear.

It was an excuse  to get other people  to pay for me to get fit.

So I got this fantastic personal trainer called Mona MacIntyre,

who is fit indeed,

and she trained me three times  a week to try  and become all hard.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)  -Did you have to...

That's come out wrong.

(ALL LAUGHING)

She's one of my wife's  best friends and mine as well.

And her husband Chris  is a terrific guy.

Hard! Good.

You also learned  how to break down  and assemble a gun, I gather.

Well, I play an armourer.

There's a whole episode where  I have to recommission AK-47s.

Just the man!

I've got an AK-47.

How did you do it?

Yeah, and Ross Kemp  from Ultimate Force,--right,

he took the back off  the other day,

and he couldn't get it  back on again.

It's easy to strip them. It's very hard putting them back.

It's a breach block  and all that. And putting  them back together...

If a burglar comes now,  I'm sorry, I can't shoot him.

-Can you mend a car, then?  -No, I'm not great with cars.

They're quite complicated,  to be honest.

Yeah. I never knew  an awful lot about cars.

That is obvious...

-(CHUCKLES) Right.  -...from your car history.

What we do is,  all the guests we have  on the show, we have charts.

People who arrive the latest,

people who have the biggest  entourage...

We don't name names...  Jordan, Vinnie...

But we do have  a chart for who had  the worst car history

which Rob Brydon has always  been at the top of.

But you...

It's not great.

You started well with a Lada.

I passed my test in a Lada.

But I love Ladas 'cause  they were exactly the way  you'd draw cars as a kid.

-You draw a car like that.  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It takes a while to  pass your test in a Lada,

because it takes too long  to turn it in a corner.

A three-point-turn was  presumably even in...

Well, you didn't need to do it in one round.

You just went to  a bigger field and eventually  try and get around.

And then I had a Fiesta  that my mum and dad gave me,

which I drove from Stranraer  down to London.

The next day, Sonia,  my wife at that stage,  who had just passed her test,

within 10 minutes  drove it into a bus.

But then I bought  Helen Baxendale's  Saab 900i.

-That's an improvement.  -(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

It was great.  I loved it.

There's a chair at the back.  Someone's got a Saab.  Nice bloke.

He likes the idea  of Helen Baxendale  driving it, I think.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Which is indeed  why I bought it.

I bought it for £1,800.

And I drove it to Manchester for the first or second season of Cold Feet,

thought, "I'd better leave it  in for a service."

Took it to the Saab guys  in Castlefield. Two grand  I had to spend on it.

And the people  at the garage said,

"Well, she clearly knew  there was something  seriously wrong with it."

So Helen Baxendale  is Arthur Daley.

-Yeah, is a liar.  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Now tonight, of course,  we reunited you with your  dodgy past.

Yes.

Because you were put into  our reasonably priced car.

(LAUGHS) Right.

To be honest,  on your practice runs,  things didn't go that well.

-No, not great.  -Anybody want to see?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Okay, let's just have  a look at one of  the practices here...

Oh, (BLEEP) me. I forgot!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

That's the best piece  of car control  I've ever seen!

I've never seen anyone  get a car go beyond 90 degrees  on grass, going,

"I'm not giving in!  I'm not giving in!"

It's annoying that,  because that was going to  be my only fast lap.

I was flying and I just...  I was going down  the end, and I...

And Stig told me to,  'cause I was getting tense...

And he told me to  take my mind off  and talk to myself

so I was trying to do various  impressions and I'm the  world's worst impressionist.

And on that last strip  coming through the corner,

I was doing the world's  worst Mary Walker.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I only realised when I'd passed the 100 sign

at which I was  supposed to brake.

I was at the 50 sign,  and I thought,  "Oh, I've missed it!"

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Shall we have a look  at the lap proper?  -Oh, no.

-Shall we see how it went?  -AUDIENCE: Yes!

Play the tape.

Play the tape.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

CLARKSON: We'll buy a new  clutch for next week  when Jack Dee is here!

Brake hard.

-CLARKSON: This is a tricky corner. -I know. It's not easy.

CLARKSON: It rolls  all over the place.

I know. I just couldn't quite hold it.

And then I died there.  Look, I'm dying.

CLARKSON: No, it's all right.  It's steady...

You see,  slow in there  is important.

Otherwise,  you just slide wide  and you've had it.

(MIMICS FRANK SPENCER)  I'm coming up to  the chicane now!

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)  -I don't know what  I'm going to do here.

CLARKSON: Did it relax you?  Did that make you  feel better?

JAMES: That's ridiculous!

CLARKSON: Yeah,  that wasn't good.

(MIMICS FRANK SPENCER)  Leave it there.  I'll fix it in the morning!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: Anyone else?

Oh, my God!

There you go.  Second-to-last corner.

It's not easy, that.

CLARKSON: Made it  that time, all right.

CLARKSON: Through Gambon and away we go across the line!

Where would you like to...

I'd like to be faster  than the blind man.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

He's here.

And I would like to be faster  than Coogan.

Well, you're okay on Coogan,  because he's a mate, isn't he?

He came here...  Honestly, it was monsoonical  the day he came.

'Cause he's a good driver,  Steve. He really is.

But he just got stumped by the weather.

-You did better than that.  -All right, okay.

You did a lot  better than that, in fact.

You did it in one minute,  51.03.

You're quicker than  Christian Slater, man!

And he was quick!

He was quick!

-So for a man with  a rubbish history in cars...  -Yeah.

That was an exceptionally  good time, I have to say.

-It's not like you've had  20 years of practice.  -No.

Anyway, it's been an absolute  pleasure having you here.

Ladies and gentlemen,  Jimmy Nesbitt!

(ALL CHEERING)

Now, earlier on, James...  Not Nesbitt, the other bloke,

drove a car that the Japanese  won't be selling in Britain.

Now, here's one  that they will be.

HAMMOND: This is the new   Toyota Aygo,   and it's a tiny city car,

the smallest vehicle that   Toyota has ever sold   in Europe.

In truth, that's not very   interesting,

but then,  neither are Toyota cars.

And a million people  buy them because they  never break down.

But we think  the Aygo is interesting.

Firstly, it looks great, kind of young and cute.

Secondly, it's cheap.

It costs just £7,000.

Now you might think we're just  into solid gold Lamborghinis

and Ferraris with  jet engines,  and you'd be right,

but we do love  cheap cars.

Especially clever cheap cars.

Let me explain.

Some cars are designed and then built cheaply.

The Aygo was designed   to be cheap from the start.

It's in its genes.

Look at this!  In most hatchbacks,

the hatch is a piece  of metal and glass.

In this case,  it is just one sheet of glass,

which means they save money on  expensive metal pressings.

And it only needs  one gas strut to hold it up.

And there's even just  one piece of string  to hold up the parcel shelf.

It all adds up.

And look inside.

Just simple painted metal.

And no extra fripperies like dual controls

for the windows  on the driver's side.

In most cars, as well,  the seats are different  for passenger and driver.

In this car,  they're both exactly the same,

and that saves costs  at the factory.

They've also lopped   a cylinder off the engine,

leaving three,   which saves money and weight,

which means this tiny car   has a tiny thirst.

It's also put together  like Lego, so if you, say,  smack a bumper,

it removes  with just two bolts.

Now that brings  servicing cost down,

and that means  the insurance is cheaper.

It gets a rating of just group 1.

Although it's been built   in the cheapest possible way,

they've left in stuff   that you'd like.

Little things that make driving civilised.

So you get ABS and airbags

and you can have  SatNav and air conditioning  if you want.

But there's other stuff, little touches that let you know

they've really  thought about it.

Here, on the stereo,  there's a socket so you can  plug your iPod in.

So we like the cut of its jib.

But the Aygo is a city car,  so now we're going to find out  if it's nippy,

light on its feet,  good at changing direction,

darting in  and out of traffic,  that sort of thing.

And to do that,  we're going to have  a game of football.

Yes, welcome to   the world premiere of   Aygo five-a-side football.

It's a new --Top Gear sport.

Last year, we tried to  get Historic People Carrier  racing off the ground

and absolutely nobody  could care less.

This'll probably be the same.

The rules are simple.

It's playground five-a-side   with no goalie.

Obviously, the players   need quality drivers.

So as team captain, I'm going to pick them,

along with the other team captain Jose May-Rinho.

Go on, you pick first.

I quite like the sound  of this Russ Swift bloke.

He's been part of  a display team.

And he's appeared on Cilla's Moment of Truth.

So he must be good. Mr Swift.

Here's your free shirt, mate.

I'll have the boy, then.  I'll have Paul Smith,  the other half of that duo.

He was actually British  Autotest Champion in 2004.

There's you t-shirt,  thank you very much.

Matt Neal, four times  British Touring Car  Championship Champion.

I want a bit of  age and experience  on my team,

and you can't get  more of that than  with Tim Harvey.

Started racing professionally in 1821.

Dan Eaves, current BTCC Championship Champion.

Sir, you've won a shirt.

Ben Collins,  because he's done  Formula One testing,

he's raced in  ASCAR, NASCAR.  There you go, t-shirt.

Robert Huff, already  the Seat Cupra Championship

three-times winner!

Tom Chilton, youngest-ever  guy to win a race in  the BTCC Championship.

-What's that got  to do with football?  -Absolutely nothing.

MAY: With the players picked,   it was time for some   complex team tactics.

Move around  and put the ball  between those posts.

To win the game you've  got to score more goals  than the other team, okay?

HAMMOND: While the teams   limbered up, James and I   tossed for the kick-off.

Heads.

-Heads it is.  -Yeah!

Good luck, then, sir.

-May the best team win. -Mine.

HAMMOND: Kick-off, this is it.

Oh! That's not good!  I have to head off  number four there!

Acceleration's good!

The Aygo is also agile.

The steering on this car is  light, it's easy to manoeuvre

in a supermarket  carpark football situation.

--HAMMOND: More than that,   the Aygo allowed James to do

the first sporting   thing in his life!

Head it on through.

Yes! I've scored  a goal at football!

-I've scored a goal!  -(HONKING)

I won the kick-off,  so here it comes.

Yes, yes!  We're finally  getting a fair end!

Oops!

Oh, that's a big one!

Brakes are pretty good.

MAY: Then the Reds   made a break   for the Blue goal,

But Hammond used   the Aygo's low weight

to make   a brilliant interception.

Handbrake's good.

HAMMOND: Next,   May in Red one was going   for a second goal, when...

Oh, no!  I've collided  with my own man.

I screwed that up!

-(HOOTER BLOWING)  -MAY: Half-time.

I bet the clutch is pleased.

And the cars changed ends.

Here we go.  Second half, it's our  chance for an equaliser.

MAY: My kick-off.

I've dummied him  and we're off to the goal!

Oh, no. We've lost possession.

Oh, no!  They're steaming  straight for it!

(LAUGHING)

That was the  equaliser for Blue!

Our kick-off again,  and I'm passing  it to Russ Swift.

Oh, he's punted it  straight over their line!

He's taking it down the wing.

They've cleared it.  They're away!

HAMMOND: By now   we'd found out that the   Aygo has all the makings

of a great   little city car.

And that was good,   as with just a few minutes to   go and the score at one-all

the match got dirty.

(GROANS) Foul!

Door ball.  That's not allowed.

One of the things  I will say about this car...

It does withstand  quite severe knocks  very well.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Oh, no!  My own man's  reversed into me.

This is heart-stopping stuff.

HAMMOND: And then,   just before the   final whistle...

...with James   defending the goal.

I've stalled.

Oh.

-(HORN BLOWING)  -Yes!

I can't stand it.

(CARS HONKING)

Magnificent!

Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Wow!

What a...  Oh, mate,

what a great, great  piece of goalkeeping.

"I've stalled at the  last minute and it won't..."  That was brilliant.

I'm not over  the moon, Richard.

I am, oddly enough.

-Can we talk about the car?  -Yes.

I think this actually is a great, little car.

-It is.  -I really do.

But it isn't quite  as simple as that.

Because you see,  this is a very small Peugeot

and this over here is  an equally small Citroen.

Now don't be fooled  by the fact that they've all  got slightly different faces.

They are, in fact, the same car underneath.

They're built in  the same factory,

they're built by the same people,

and they'll all got  the same engine.

But it's not as  simple as that either.

Because the Toyota  and the Peugeot  both cost £7000.

The Citroen, same car,

costs £6,500,  500 quid cheaper.

So, from the three,  go for that one.

Okay, it's time to  do the Cool Wall,  and we have a problem.

Because, you see, since I  came up with this idea  a couple of years ago,

I've always used  Kristin Scott Thomas,  the actress, as a yardstick.

The idea being that  if you drove over to  Paris where she lives,

how would she react  to any given car that  you happened to be in?

The problem is that  while we were off air,

I actually met her.  Lovely girl,

but it turns out  she drives a Honda Civic.

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

And she  doesn't really like  the Aston Martin DB9

that we have in  a special supercool  section here.

She much prefers the  Bentley Continental in red.

Really? In red?  So we're gonna have  to change everything.

The Aston's got  to go down there,

we've got to put  that in the fridge.

It's a complete switch around.

No, no, no.

No, it isn't.  We are just going to  find a new yardstick.

You can't just say that a yard isn't a yard. That's the measure!

No, sorry. Kristin,  beautiful girl,

absolutely lovely,  but gone.

The new yardstick  is Fiona Bruce,  the newsreader.

Until she turns out  not to be a yard,  I presume. Then...

No, then we'll  get Sophie Raworth.

All right,  let's apply the  new yardstick to this.

This is an example of a car that actually isn't very good at all,

as we agreed on the last series of Top Gear.

-However...  -A Chrysler 300C  is what it's called.

It's a Chrysler 300C,  and it is cool.

Wrong. I'm going to  give you four words.

Rio, Rooney,  Wayne and Ferdinand.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

They have a Chrysler 300C.

Wayne Rooney's got  that car. It's dead.

But isn't Wayne Rooney  supposed to be cool?  He is cool!

His girlfriend, Colleen...  What's her name?

Colleen.

Her face is on  the cover of Vogue.

She's on the front  of Vogue--magazine.

-Yes, yes.  -That's pretty cool.

But people who look like her  are normally found on the  front of Blackpool,

in a kiosk,  selling chips.

Who thinks  that is a cool car?

-Oh, no, that's just... -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's not a cool car!

It is! It's a cool car.

It's a cool car.  I still maintain that's...

Gone. Again.

-One day! One day!  -You'll still lose.

Now, the Golf. Which is here.

We read recently that  the Pope has got one.

We think, as celebrity  endorsements go...

-That's a big one!  -I drive one.

He drives one. It's pretty big.

So we're thinking,  if you'd like to  move that up a bit.

That would be...

I kind of like it there.

There's another one here,  the Maserati Quattroporte,

which we've had here.  Now since we put it there,

Bonio out of U2 has bought one.

Bonio himself?

Bonio is a cool man.

And he's done his bit for third world debt by buying one of those.

'Cause he sent his  money to Italy, so...

Nice!

That actually might  even move now  into Supercool.

Anybody else  got any thoughts  on cars they see here

that ought to be moved?

MAN: The Evo.

You what, sorry?  Hang on, come over here.

The Mitsubishi Evo.

-The Mitsubishi Evo is what?  -Cool.

That's honestly...  I'm not joking.

You remember when  Neville Chamberlain  got off the plane?

-No. -Waved the piece of paper around.

That was the last time  someone was as wrong  as you've just been.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Peace in our time.

-I'm sorry?  -MAN: The Porsche.

Now which Porsche  have you got in mind?

The yellow one.

-The yellow one. -The yellow one.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Things you  shouldn't say here,  number one.

Where do you  want it moving to?

I think it's cool.  I'm sure...

He's a cool-looking guy, this bloke, actually.

But he's let himself down  when he opened his trap.

-Why, yes.  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'm aware  that we're actually still  before the watershed

but I'm gonna  show you something.

(STAMMERING)  Not the Alpha Romeo!

It's the Alpha Romeo Brera.  There it is.

-(EXCLAIMS)  -Oh! That's filth!

That is filth!  I have to say

that's the first time  that's ever happened  to me on television.

-Um...  -Every time I see this...

It's Nobby Stiles,  Geoff Hurst,  Bobby Charlton...

What a thing! In fact, I'm just going to take that with me.

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

Richard's gone  to the lavatory with the  picture of the Alfa Romeo.

My turn next!

Right, now we've got to move on.

Um, with this.  It's a mobile phone.

And it's also an internet  and it's an address book  and it's a camera.

And if it's  possible to do this,

then I wonder,  is it possible to turn

a Range Rover  into a sports car?

Obviously it's very difficult  when you've got  a bunch of hippies

chained to the production line.

But that hasn't stopped Land Rover from trying.

--CLARKSON: This is what   they've come up with,

the Range Rover Sport.

They say that making it was a challenge

and I'm not surprised because things which are tall are not sporty.

I know this.

Even so, this new car   goes from nought to 60   in seven seconds.

And it has   so much power

that the top speed   has had to be   pegged at 140

to stop the tyres bursting.

And what's more,   Land Rover say it's not   just fast in a straight line.

They say that   thanks to some fancy   new anti-roll bars

it can also   handle the bends.

They're right, it does!

The steering's sharp,  the brakes are massive,  it doesn't roll too much.

A bump and then a bend.

And it just takes  it all in its stride.

(GARBLING)

It's very, very good, this.

It's really very, very...

Very good.

I'd say it was   even more nimble than   a Porsche KN Turbo,

and more comfortable,   and more economical.

Probably do   12 miles to the gallon   if you're careful.

And then there's  the driving position.

In a normal off-road car,

you sit up high  and you have to reach down  to operate everything.

But in this  I'm still sitting high up,

but they've raised  the centre console

and the whole dashboard, so I feel cocooned.

Like I'm in the cockpit of a fighter bomber.

Now cruising at 35,000 feet!

Which we are. (CHUCKLES)

So, quite an   achievement, then,

turning a mud-plugging   Range Rover

into a growling   night-hawk mud-mover.

Except they haven't,   because this isn't   a Range Rover.

I know it looks   like a Range Rover

but the Sport   is five inches   shorter and lower.

The two cars   don't share a single   piece of bodywork.

And it's the same   story underneath.

The chassis is from the new Discovery,

the brakes are   from Brembo,

the supercharged   4.2 litre V8 engine   is from Jaguar

and so is the steering.

And it uses the same   sort of suspension components   as a Porsche 911.

Sounds great, but there are some drawbacks.

If that pulled up  outside your house,  you'd think,

"Oh, no! A drug dealer is here."

And then there are  some of the details.

The radiator grill,  for example.

Looks like the  sort of towel rail

that would be bought by the left-back for Cheshire United.

Then you've got  this black stuff round  the bottom of the window.

I know why they've done it,

to cover up the fact  the dashboard's been raised.

But it's ugly. And so are the side-skirts.

But the worst thing,  the worst thing of all  is the tailgate,

because on a proper  Range Rover it splits

like that.  On this one,

you can either  open the rear window,

for no reason  that I can think of,

or you can open  the whole tailgate.

Fine. But you're at a point-to-point, okay?

Without a flappy bit  down here,

where do you sit?

Of course,   the Sport is cheaper than   a proper Range Rover.

You can have one with a turbo diesel V6 for £34,000,

which is almost   cheaper than a horse.

But, I'm sorry, you can't have this car with a diesel engine.

It'd be like saying,  "I won't go to  Stringfellows tonight,

"I'll get my mum to  give me a lap dance.  She's a woman."

Yeah, but...

You have to have this   £59,000 Supercharge V8

because, taste   and tailgate aside,

it really does   seem to have   all the bases covered.

It's a high-riding,   fatboy hothatcher,

satellite guided stereo with 20-inch rim.

It's also  a 140 mile an hour  mobile phone.

It's a living room.  It's got a fridge

and I'm fairly sure  that somewhere in here

there's a tool  for getting the stones  out of horses' hooves.

It seems to   do everything.

But does it?

Because it now   has sports steering   and sports suspension

and a sporty   spoiler at the front,

does it mean it no longer works off-road?

Well, to find out   we've devised a little test.

This is a Challenger 2 tank.

It has a 12-cylinder   diesel engine

which produces 1,200 horsepower

and that's enough for a top speed of nearly 40 miles an hour.

Not bad for something   which weighs 62 tons.

The thing I'm most  interested in, though,  is the big gun,

which, as you can see,  is rifled for  greater accuracy.

Not like those  smooth-bore American ones

that just hit  something over there.

It fires a smorgasbord  of ammunition,

chief among which,  really, you've got  high explosive rounds

which hit the target,  blow it to pieces.

Or the depleted uranium rounds

which penetrate the  armour on the target

and give everyone inside two heads.

The natural habitat   for the Challenger 2   is Salisbury Plain,

94,000 acres of   scarred and rutted terrain

swarming with heavy armour.

You'd be mad   to bring a car here.

But you'd   have to be insane   to bring one here

for a fight with a Challenger 2 and its crew.

The idea is that I've gotta drive the Range Rover Sport from here...

-Okay?  -Yes.

..to those woods over there.

And you've got to see if you can get your gun

pointed at me  in such a way

that if you pushed  the fire button  I'd be history.

Who's the gunner?  Who's the one...

-You're the gunner.  -Yep.

I'll be keeping you  in my sight.

Trying.  You'll be trying.

I will be.

Sorry. How old are you?

Me? 26.

26! Thinks he  knows everything!

Just watch this. Watch this!

So here we are   on the start line.

Goliath

and David...

Beckham!

I have a cunning plan. They'll be expecting me to go forwards

because that's where  the destination is.

-Ready?  -Three, two, one.

Now! Now! Now!

-SOLDIER: Left!  -(CHUCKLES)

Left, left, left,  left, left, left.

God, that barrel turns quickly.

But not quickly enough!

And straight into the woods.

Hard reverse!  Hard reverse!

I've read enough war comics to know that tanks can't go in woods.

-Halt! -'Cause they can't move their barrel around.

I'm light,  I'm nimble, I'm agile.

On! Firing. Missed.

What I hadn't read though

was the war comic   featuring the challenger's   secret weapon.

Blast smoke!

What in the name  of all that's holy  is he doing?

He's making smoke.  I can't see!

I can't see anything.

Keep tracking.  Pick him up.

If I don't get going soon,

my big hot supercharger will be a red glow

on his thermal imaging camera.

I was stuck in the woods   being turned into a kipper

so I decided   to deploy the car's   tyre-bursting speed.

And away we go!

Advance!

Over rough ground,  the Challenger 2 is the  fastest tank in the world.

Now I'm doing  40 miles an hour.

The tank can go  that fast, though! Oh!

Oh, no, I seem to have  brought Puff Daddy's  car to the Somme.

This is where  I've had it.

You can't drive an off-road car,

not even one as good as this,

over this kind of surface fast.

And you can with a tank.

Speed wasn't working.   I couldn't break free from that gun.

(SOLDIER SPEAKING ON RADIO)

CLARKSON: I need some cover.

Now what  are you gonna do?

'Cause I can out-turn you, sunshine!

He's going round  in circles. (BLEEP)

You see,  what I've done brilliantly is  hidden behind these bushes.

So I'm fully protected from the high explosive round by the branches.

MAN: Get round the corner.

But then it dawned on me   that the branches might   not actually stop the shell.

Look at this.  Watch what I can do here.

Sneak behind him.  He doesn't know. Yes!

Stumped by my agility.

And I'm making smoke.  Oh, yes!

MAN: Fast as you can.

In seconds, though, he was back on my tail.

I've got to say,

I know it's not the  most important thing  at the moment,

but some of the ride comfort has been lost

by turning  the Range Rover  into a sport model.

There was no way I could survive in open ground.

MAN 1: I've got him.  I've got him.

MAN 2: Okay,  nail him. Nail him.

Firing.  Missed him.

Because that turret   can do a full rotation   in nine seconds.

So my last chance   was to try some   serious off-roading.

If I can get  down to the bottom  of this ridge here,

he won't be able  to come down. Oh!

Wait a minute. Neutral. I want that on.

Low-range.  Come on, hurry up!

He can't  follow me down here.

And when I'm at the bottom,  his gun won't go  low enough to get me.

He's just coming down!

Quick down!  Quick down!  Quick down!

If I speed back up again...

Don't let me  down now!

Do not let me  down now.

That's it!  Harness it.

Be good off-road.

Go round.  Go round. Power!

Be a good off-road car. You are! Oh, yes.

Have to say,  I really was expecting this  to be useless off-road

and it just isn't.

That bought me some more time.

But not much.

This really is just  the battle of range,  who runs out of fuel first.

And that's a bad plan  because I suspect  it's going to be me.

You can't  get away from it.

It is really a very, very good off-road car, this. It really is.

But if you're  planning on invading  another country,

use a tank.

Hit him now.

Ready!

Halt!

Fire it!

-Target.  -Target stopped.

One times  Clarkson destroyed.  Well done.

I know, I'm dead. Blown.

Blown to pieces.

And these are the gentlemen  who blew me to pieces.

Give them a big  round of applause.

Well done. Well done.

HAMMOND: My heroes!

Well done.  That was a great  day out, that. Really was.

Can I just say...  I've still...

I've got doubts about this car.

I mean,  it is brilliant,  there's no doubt...

Oh, it's a piece of engineering.

You have to  doff your cap to the  Land Rover engineers.

-It's epic.  -It is.

You're gonna know  where I'm going with this.

I think you're gonna agree

because at some point you'll be at the lights in your Sport,

and somebody's gonna pull up next to you in a proper big Range Rover

and you're gonna  look and think,  "Look how high they are!"

Well,  you always think...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But that has  a much better interior  than the Sport.

And it has the  fold-down tailgate.

And you can have that engine in this one.

Yeah, you can have the supercharged engine.

Then you've got the lot.

What I'd say in conclusion...

If you're hammering  down a road

this Sport is 6%  or 7% better than the  normal Range Rover.

-8%.  -8%.

Final offer,  8% better than the  normal Range Rover

but for everything else, that's best.

So that would be what  we'd say in summary.

Is that if you're gonna buy a Range Rover, make it a proper one.

Not that anyone  will listen to that.

They'll buy the Sport.  And I reckon...

Well, every footballer's  gonna have one for a start.

-Oh, yes.  -And by next year,

you could walk from  Chesire to Surrey

on like a carpet  of Range Rover Sports

without ever  touching the ground  all the way.

Absolutely.  And do you know what?

The Gulf stream would continue to flow.

And on that bombshell  it's time to say goodnight.

See you next week. Take care. Bye!