Top Gear (2002–…): Season 32, Episode 5 - Episode #32.5 - full transcript

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FREDDIE: Whoo!

Hello, and welcome to Top Gear,

where we've got some very sad news,

because it's the last show
of the series.

AUDIENCE: Aw!
Ohh!

But also, we've got some good news,

because we're going out
with a big birthday bash. Yes!

AUDIENCE: Yay!

Yes, as the BBC is very keen
to keep reminding us,

this is the centenary year -



100 years of informing,
educating and entertaining.

Well, some more than others.

But here's a question -
what would Top Gear have looked like

back in those early days
of the Beeb?

Well, we've had a trawl through
the archives to find out.

PROJECTOR WHIRS

POSH ACCENT: Hello and welcome
to The Top Gear,

a programme dedicated
to the mechanical road carriage.

Today, one will be running
one's monocle over this fine filly,

the Invicta.

Tally-ho!

This is the Invicta Type A,

and while it's priced
at a princely £1,500,

that does afford you the very latest
in modern conveniences...



...including a seat,
a steering wheel and brakes!

NORMAL VOICE: Ah, this is the life!

And I can probably lose
the Jeeves and Wooster accent now.

So most of you have probably
never heard of the Invicta,

but, back in the '20s and '30s,
this car was on the same par

as something like
a Rolls-Royce or a Bentley -

real premium badge stuff.

And even now,
it's worth £200,000, this car,

and maybe a little bit more.

Now, you may wonder why
I'm dashing around the countryside.

Well, I've got a plan.

Sadly, it involves those two clowns.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, my word. Look at this lad!

Gentlemen!

Firstly...

..did you not get the memo?

What's the memo, Pad?
"Come as Jacob Rees-Mogg"?

Have you seen Downton Abbey?
Not many puffer coats.

No, I'd be downstairs and all,
wouldn't you? Absolutely.

Dressed like that, though,
you might be round the table.

I've got to say, lads, I quite like
it. I think you look very dashing.

Well, I've got to tell you,
these buttons are working very hard.

Very hard!
Why are you wearing white socks?

Yeah... Oh, you're not? You're not!

Oh, no!

Now, obviously, we're here.

Lovely surroundings.

It's 100 years of the BBC,

and I've got something
very special lined up for us.

Jump in, my good men. We're going
to do a bit of trialling.

Yes, we'd be having a crack

at one of the oldest motorsports
in Britain.

I'm glad the weather's nice.

ENGINE REVS
Whoa! Hey-hey!

Trialling was originally devised

as a way for carmakers
to prove the ability

and reliability
of their latest models.

And today, in sleepy, sunny corners
of the Great British countryside,

you can still find devoted bands
of merry motorists

battling their vintage cars
to the top of steep, muddy hills.

This is a competition where
it's not about how fast you go,

it's about how far you get.

And with five stages to attack
before the day was out,

our first job was to get...

..to the start.

I must admit, I'd have liked
a seat belt in the back.

So, go on, Pad, talk us through it,
changing gear - what do you do?

Well, going up, it's...

You've got to put your foot
on the clutch,

give it a nanosecond in neutral,
then change into your gear,

but then coming back down -
that's where it gets really tricky.

You've got to do double clutch
and rev it and all that,

but I don't know how
it's going to go on at the trials

because it's driving all right
on the roads,

but I just can't see it
going up a steep gradient.

It doesn't feel like it should
be doing that, does it? No.

I'm still not sure
what these trials are.

Just as well, then,
that we were about to find out...

Morning! Morning!

..because Lord McGuinness
had managed to coax the Invicta

to our first hill...

..where, as the other challengers

were already making look
alarmingly easy,

the aim was to get past
as many markers as possible

on the way to the top.

Each hill has 25 points available

to those that can coax and rev
and bounce their way to reach them.

And with the teams with the
most points by the end of the day

taking home the silverware,
as we lined up for our first go...

WHISTLE BLOWS
Whoa. We're off.

..it didn't feel like
we'd be troubling the podium.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Get out there, get out there.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Shut up. Shut up.

Go, go! Go, go!

Whoa, whoa! No... No more...

I've seen it.
No more, no more revs.

I've seen it, I've seen it.
No more revs!

Gone past 15, lads.
We don't have to go fast.

Watch the tree, Chris.

We're good, we're good. Yeah?

A bit of right hand down now.
That's good.

Mind that tree!

That's good. We're good.
Great work, Pad.

Right, get bumping.

Yes! Go, Pad.

Ohh! Bounce, Fred.

I'm bouncing.

It's going beautifully.
Round there. No more revs.

Well done. Well done. Well done.

THEY CHEER

Stop! Stop! Frickin' stop.

BRAKES SQUEAL

ALL: Whoa!

Lovely bit of driving.
Who parked that there?

Jeepers creepers. That was close.
Got past it, though, didn't I?

Hey-hey!

Fair play to Paddy.
On our first-ever trials run,

we'd just bagged ourselves
a full 25 points.

That was great work, McGuinness.
What was it like driving?

Oh, tricky. It works, though,
the bouncing, doesn't it?

Does it? I didn't know if...
Yeah, you feel it.

Time to take the victorious Invicta

back down to the road
and onto the next hill.

We might be in this, you know.

When have we ever started this well
at anything?

LAUGHING: Never! Never.

And now that the pre-match nerves
had settled,

we could start to see
what this trials game

is actually all about.

You all right, boys?

Hello! All right?

I like the format. So you basically
just wobble about on some lanes...

Lovely. ..you get to
show off your new suit,

then we go up through
some forest-y bits.

Thank you. Thanks very much.
Hello, there. Hello.

And everyone's very friendly.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes, arriving at a nearby farm
for the start of the next climb,

it was quickly becoming clear

that trials is as much a highlight
of the social calendar

as it is a motorsport.

No robotic racing drivers
and poker-faced pit crews here,

just lots of jolly people
having a jolly old time.

This is a lovely thing to do.

See this thing? Yeah.
Two-stroke, single chain.

Where's it from?

Is it?

That's it?!
PADDY LAUGHS

Will it go anywhere?

What is it?

It's a Trojan, yeah.

WHISTLE BLOWS
There you go. Good luck.

Good luck!

Look at this boy here. WG Grace.

Ooh, no messing.

Ooh, he's not messed about.
He's on it there.

Did you see the concentration
on his face?

He's had the back end out
and all sorts then.

Better than F1. Oh, wonderful.

Can't get this close
to bloody Verstappen, can you? No.

I could touch his beard.

It's like Fast & Furious
meets Brideshead Revisited. Yes.

Meets Shameless.

THEY LAUGH

For all the fun and games, though,

it turned out our second hill
wouldn't be a stroll in the orchard,

because we'd be facing
our first re-start...

Here we go.
Let's see what happens here.

..coming to a complete stop

before setting off to tackle
the steepest part of the course.

I bet it's tough to get up there.

Oh, Fred, look. Fred, take notice.

Oh, easy. No messing.

Wow. No messing.

Now, you get one go at this,

and any rolling backwards
puts you straight out of the climb.

So, once Fred had distilled
what we'd seen of the pros

into a cunning strategy...

Put your foot down, I'll bounce.
PADDY LAUGHS

..heading for the start line
in the Invicta,

McGuinness had decided it was time
that Flintoff and I joined him

in dressing like them, too.

Oh, now we're talking!

Idiot!
FREDDIE LAUGHS

Ooh, I tell you what, boys,
now we look like a team!

WHISTLE BLOWS

But while we now had all the gear...

Gas, gad, gas, gas. Go, Pad.

..as we made our way up
to the dreaded re-start,

it soon became clear we still had...

No, no, you're going the wrong way.

You're going the wrong way,
you helmet.

..no idea.

Don't worry about it, lads.

Right, bounce...

..for your lives, lads!

Bounce it, lads!

Go on!

No! No chance.

Embarrassing, that.
I think there's a bit of valve

coming out the engine
exhaust pipe there, Pad. Ah, well.

Think we got ahead of ourselves
on the last one, didn't we? We have.

But that looked nothing, did it?
You didn't respect the course.

But you didn't bounce, Fred,
at the first...

Bounced till I done my knees in!
No, you did it after!

Why is it our fault?
Why is it our fault? We're a team.

You'll have to change
the suspension,

I was bouncing that much.
We're a team, lads, we're a team.

We were a team -

a team in need of a new driver.

Got it all to do in the next round.

We might have to readjust
our assessment of Paddy's driving

after that one.
Feel free, lads. Feel free.

And so, with just 11 points
from the last hill,

heading for the next one,

it was our resident racing driver's
time to shine.

ENGINE ROARS
Oh, am I in gear?

Oh, no, he's not even in...

HORN BEEPS
We're being beeped out, Chris.

We're being beeped out, son!

You've got Chitty Chitty
Bang Bang honking you!

Ohh!

BOTH: Ohh! Wey-ey!

It's like a roller-coaster.

THEY CHEER

So, we're two hills down,

25 on the first,

11 on the second.

We need a big one here.
We need...

We need some high numbers
on this next one, Chris.

Get us back in the game, pal.

We've got the pro in now, though,
haven't we? Be right as rain now.

GEARS CRUNCH
Oh, oh, oh. Oh, whoa!

How are you finding the old Invicta,
Christopher?

Absolutely joyous.

Are you? I've got a bit to learn.

I thought Paddy was driving very
well... Changed his tune, hasn't he?

No. But I think the old girl
wasn't suited to wet grass.

Yeah. Definitely.

I think if we can get more roads
like the first one,

it'll go up 'em,
it'll go up 'em, definitely.

In the right hands.

FREDDIE CHUCKLES

We'd soon see, because we'd
reached the foot of hill three.

Go on, Chrissy. Hello!

Easy, Chris. Whoa!

Lovely. Keep it going.
Nice and steady as she goes.

And as Baron Harris set to work,

the Invicta was looking
much more at home.

Whoa! Whoa!

Hey, we're back in the race here.

THEY GASP AND GROAN

I tell you what, she does well
on the dry, doesn't she?

Oh, all the excuses!

Ohh! Whoa!

Oh, my God.

I don't like that tree stump,
though, Pad.

Oh, oh, no, no, no, no.

LOUD THUD
Bloomin' heck.

Come on, let's get to 25.

Let's finish this one.

I'm on it, I'm on it, I'm on it.

23. 23, Chris. Two more.

I can live with this.

THEY CHEER

Yes, madam.

FREDDIE LAUGHS

A maximum-points run from Harris
had put us back on track

and earned him another stint
behind the wheel.

Chrissy, back in the game.
25 more points.

Yes!

Back in there.
I tell you what... Back in there.

..I'm loving these old cars.

And swaggering up
to the penultimate hill

with confidence riding high,

it was time to show what
a pro trials team really looks like.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Come on, Chris, we need
a big 'un here. Go on, Chris.

Oh, he's at it here. Ohh!

Whoa, he's going quick.
Is this a time trial?

Your door's opened, Chris.
Shut the door, Pad.

Shut the door!

Ohh.

Yes, Harris had found
his full pouty concentration face,

and the Invicta was starting
to look invincible.

THEY CHEER

This is going to fly up to 25,
this, Chris.

Or at least it did...

Ooh, ooh, this is steep!

..until we ran into our old friend,
the re-start.

Go on, Chris.
Come on, you got it.

ENGINE REVS

Come on, Pad, jump.

Get up! Get up!

Yes! We've done it!
We've done it, Pad!

Come on, lads.
We've done it, Chris.

Go on!

Go on, Chris!

I can't flipping bounce any more.

Go, Chris. Oh, dear.

The standing start
had bested us again.

And with a paltry seven points
for our efforts,

heading off to
the last run of the day,

it only seemed fair
to hand Viscount Flintoff

his first go behind the wheel.

GEARS CLUNK AND GRIND
Oh. Oh! Oh, he's missed a gear.

CHRIS LAUGHS

GEAR CRUNCHES
Oh, no! Oh, no!

No...

I'm panicking. I'm on a B road.

THEY LAUGH

Go on, you can get third now.

No, I don't want to.
What's your strategy for the hill?

Stay in first.

And after a Flintoff
double-declutching masterclass...

GEARS CRUNCH

What are you doing?! No, no!

Double-clutch it. I am!

..we eventually ground our way

up to the final stage of
our trials roller-coaster...

..in no way prepared
to reach the finish.

Here we go, son.
Right, no messing about.

Man and machine in perfect harmony!

Go on, son.

WHISTLE BLOWS

ENGINE REVS

Here we go, lads.

Be very careful.
Do you want to do some bouncing?

Whoa, whoa. Easy, easy, Fred.

Gas, gas, gas! Easy.

That's it. We're up, we're up.

Keep going. Right-hander, Fred!
Right-hander!

Ooh, ooh, I don't like this.

THEY ALL SHOUT

Bounce, bounce! No more revs!

Ohh!

Yes, that was amazing!
Yes, come on, 19.

Come on, Fred. Keep going, Fred.

Bounce, bounce, bounce!

Bounce.

Bounce!

I'm bouncing.
I can't bounce any more.

Keep going, keep going!
We're up to 25, Fred!

THEY ALL SHOUT

What a result!
What's all the fuss about?

Keep going!
What's all the fuss about?

PADDY CHEERS

Thank you. Ohh...

Why have I not done it all day?
Ohh! That was fantastic.

Oh, you abs... I tell you what,
you better get running!

When this car stops,
I'm going to knock you out.

A top-marks finish for Flintoff...

Ow!

..and our first taste of trials
had finished on a high.

Had we won?

Course we hadn't.

Worth another go, though?

You betcha.

PROJECTOR WHIRS AND STOPS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We like old cars, don't we?

I've got to say,
all things considered,

I think that went pretty well.

It was a nice day out
in the country. Yeah.

And I love that,
all over the UK, every weekend,

people are doing daft things in
cars. I don't just mean trialling.

Banger racing,
sidecars, hill-climbing.

It makes me proud to be British.
It certainly does.

Proper eccentric motorsport.

And if you're part of -

and I mean this
with the greatest of respect -

an even weirder race series
than that one,

let us know,
and we'll be right there.

And now we must move on,

because every now and again
we get a polite email saying,

"Forget about all those supercars.

"How about reviewing a car that
normal people might actually buy?"

We do get a lot of those,
and they're not always polite.

But they've got a point.

Well, it's about time
we tackled some affordable stuff,

so we sent Chris off
to do a proper, sensible,

real-world car review, in
the world's most sensible country,

Norway.

CHRIS: Yes, with snow on the ground
for six months of the year,

and a reputation for handing out

the strictest driving fines
in Europe,

Norway is a country
that demands a sensible,

no-nonsense approach to motoring.

And that makes it the ideal spot

to bring you a sensible,
no-nonsense compact crossover.

This is the new Ford Puma.

It starts at around 23 grand
and, right now,

it's one of the most popular cars
on sale in the UK.

And straight away,
it's easy to see why.

For starters, it looks quite good.

It's a bit froggy up front,
with the eyes

but, other than that, I like it.

And inside here,
you don't feel deprived.

I've got all the functions
of a very expensive car.

I've even got
a heated steering wheel,

which, given we're in Norway,
is a lovely thing.

And because it's a Ford,
it goes down the road beautifully.

I can't complain.

Not least because,
for an extra £6,000,

you can have your Puma
with a slightly bigger bite.

This is the ST model
with the 200-horsepower,

1.5-litre turbo-charged
petrol engine.

0 to 60 - six-and-a-half seconds.

137mph flat out.

And, best of all,
in these fuel-troubled times,

it'll do over 40 miles
to the gallon.

The Puma ST isn't just fast
and frugal, though.

You'll also be pleased to hear

that it has everyday usability
built in, too.

There's more boot space here
than you get in a Ford Focus -

456 litres.

You wanted real-world reviews,
I'm giving you a real-world review.

And down here is something
Ford calls the MegaBox.

It's a waterproof hose-out tub
for anything

that you might need to store
in a waterproof hose-out tub.

It's even got a drainage plug

just in case anything
you put in there suffers any...

..seepage.

So there you go -
it really is the complete package.

Well done, Ford, for making
the Puma affordable to run,

and if you get the ST version,
pretty decent to drive, too.

But if you're thinking the ST
still doesn't quite have the zip

you're looking for
from your next compact crossover,

there is also a slightly faster one.
ENGINE ROAR ECHOES

Yes, it's a rally car!

The Ford Puma Rally1.

Wah-hoo!

I've never driven anything like it.

It is a monster!

ENGINE ROARS

This Puma has been built to compete

in the World Rally Championship's
new era of hybrid racing.

And that means that M-Sport,

the legendary British rally
engineers that built it...

..have boosted its four-cylinder
turbo petrol engine...

..with a battery-powered
electric motor.

All working together,

this Puma produces
over 500 horsepower.

Whoa-ho!

The performance is outrageous.

This thing will do 0 to 60

in about three seconds
on pretty much any surface.

I can't begin to describe
the way it stops, as well.

I've got regenerative braking,

so the harder I brake,
the more I charge the hybrid system.

It makes for a wild ride,
it really does.

There she goes.

Now let's feel the hybrid.
Push the pedal down.

Oh, my Lord!

How does it do that on ice?!

Part of the reason, of course,
is that, unlike the Puma ST,

the Rally1 comes equipped
with four-wheel drive.

Plus, there's a super-strong
steel space frame

clad in lightweight body panels

that makes the Rally1
a full 100kg lighter.

However, the extra performance

that all this and that modern
hybrid power brings

does come at a price.

It costs about
three-quarters of a million quid,

which I know is quite steep,
but right now,

I can't think of anything
I'd rather spend

the same amount of money on
more than this.

Whoa-ho!

ENGINE ROARS

You'll notice
I'm using a gear lever.

I've not seen that in about 25 years
in World Rallying.

The regulations want a more
mechanical, analogue car this year -

they've certainly got one.

Woohoo!

It's a fascinating car to drive

because, in some respects,
it's exactly what I expected.

In others, it requires
a lot more management,

and I've got so much respect
for the drivers now.

They really aren't just
arcade game machines.

They require concentration
and more skill than I've got.

ENGINE ROARS

Oh, yes. Listen to that.

Or, in fact, don't...

ENGINE ROAR STOPS

..because another advantage
of the Rally1

over its more affordable cousin

is that on the regular commute
between your rally stages,

you can drive
in clean, green silence.

Nothing to see here.

Just driving along
in my electric World Rally car.

It's a genuine hybrid.

Ooh! I wonder if M-Sport
kept the MegaBox.

We can maybe stop for provisions.

The Rally1 can do
12 miles in EV mode,

so long as you drive it gently.

Hello.

ENGINE ROARS

But it has to be said,

if you ever do find yourself
behind the wheel of one,

driving it gently is
the last thing you'll want to do.

Oh, my Lord, it's fast. It's fast.

HE LAUGHS

To be honest with you, and you
might have already guessed this,

this thing's got about
as much to do with a Puma

as I have a fighter jet...

..but on these roads,
in these conditions? Unbeatable.

Fastest car on the planet.

Sensational!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is a monster.

It's a monster. It really is.

So let me get this right,
you went off to review

a sensible car
that people could afford. Yeah.

And you ended up driving
a £750,000 rally car?

Yeah, apologies. But in my defence,

there was some take-home
consumer advice there. Wasn't there?

If you want a small crossover,
day-to-day stuff,

perfect - Puma ST.

If you want to enter
the World Rally Championship,

take the rally car.

Helpful as ever, Chris.
There you go.

And now we move on to a question.

What's the best letter in motoring?

Do you know, you two?
The one on the old boot lid.

Ooh, this is
my kind of question, this is.

I'd say R -
could be race or rally.

If you see R, you know it's
going to be something special.

I'm going T. Turbo. Touring.

You like tourers. Love a tourer.

All right, strong guesses.
Both wrong.

Because the best letter
in motoring is this one...

M, as in BMW's legendary...

..M Division,

the German engineering geniuses
who've been churning out

some of the world's finest fast cars
for five decades.

This year, 2022,

marks 50 years of the M Division.

So, to celebrate,

I thought I'd invite along
some VIP guests.

And what a guest list this is.
Oh, yes!

Over the years, the M Division
has given us some proper legends.

But just think,
none of these would be here today

if Ford hadn't been
so annoyingly good.

You see, back in the late '60s
and early '70s,

Ford was dominating
world motor sport.

Its GT40 was a four-time
Le Mans winner,

and in the European
Touring Car Championship,

its gorgeous Capri
was busy trashing rivals...

..like BMW.

Hellbent on getting
their own back,

in 1972, BMW poached Ford's
motor sport boss, Jochen Neerpasch.

His brief was to build
world-beating cars

for the racetrack and road.

His department would become
the M Division.

And here's what
they cooked up first.

This is the precursor to all
those wonderful M cars to come.

This, my friends,
is a three-litre CSL,

also known as the Batmobile.

# Nobody gonna take my car

# Gonna race it to the ground... #

Lightweight, tuned-up,
with proper working downforce,

it was nothing short
of a race car for the road,

that wasn't technically road legal.

The idea was,
you took it on a track,

you whizzed round all day,
humming the theme to Batman,

and then,
before you got back on the road,

you whipped off the rear wing,
put it in the boot and off you went.

Obviously, it was the '70s

and, obviously, no-one did that.

Happier times!

The Batmobile was an instant icon.

And what better way
for the M Division to follow it

than with a supercar.

The M1 arrived in 1978,

proof to the world
that it wasn't just Italy

who could do the whole slinky,
mid-engine performance thing.

But, pretty as it was -
and reliable to boot -

the M1 was really
a bit of a sideshow...

..because the car that would
come to truly define the M badge

would arrive a few years later,

in 1986.

The birth of a legend.

MUSIC: Blue Monday
by New Order

The original BMW M3.

It might be nearly 40 years old,
but this is peak M car right here.

Pure,

raw,

joyous...

TYRES SCREECH

..M!

Just like the old Batmobile,

the M3 was shot through
with motorsport DNA.

Suspension, brakes, gearbox -

all of it came
from the racing world.

It might have had
just 200 horsepower,

but trust me,
that was all it needed.

It's light, it's sparkly.

It feels alive, this thing!

TYRES SCREECH

It's like a Border collie
itching to get out for a walk.

"Get down, Shep, get down!"

MUSIC: Relax
by Frankie Goes to Hollywood

In fact, the only downside
to the original M3

was that it did attract
a certain crowd.

SHOUTS: Hello? What's that?
No, I'm in an M3!

# Relax, don't do it... #

Yes, the '80s saw
the arrival of the yuppie.

Those wannabe Wolves of Wall Street

all needed something
cutting-edge and continental

to match their monster Motorolas
and flash Rolexes.

The M Division's finest
was the perfect choice.

Which meant the M3 did gain
a little bit of a bad reputation.

You know all those typical
BMW driver stereotypes?

Well, this is the car
that started it all.

# Relax, don't do it... #

LAUGHING: But I can forgive all that

because this thing
is absolute perfection.

Oh...

And now that the M Division
had found their formula,

they set about refining it.

Understated on the outside,
race-bred underneath,

the next couple of decades
brought bigger engines,

more power, more speed.

And it all reached
a bit of a head...

..with this.

The 2004 BMW M5.

You see, in the early noughties,

BMW's F1 car was powered
by a big, revvy V10 engine.

So the good people
at the M Division thought,

"Hey, why can't we put one of those
in a family saloon?"

Well, it turned out...

..they could.

And it sounds like...

INTENSE ENGINE REVS

..the end of days.

Ha-ha! This is fast!

Whoa!

500 brake horsepower.

It'll still spin past 8,000 RPM.

If you take the limiter
off this thing...

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

..they reckon it'll go up to 200mph.

It's absolutely bananas!

This was the M Division
declaring to the world

that, when it comes
to supercar-quick saloons,

nobody else comes close.

These are what the M Division
are all about.

And, yes, over the years,
they've dabbled with quick SUVs

and other odds and ends,
but these?

These are the heartland.

In fact, you can trace a line
right from the original M3,

through all of these,
all the way up to this...

..the new M3.

A car that's channelling 50 years
of M Division know-how.

HE CHUCKLES

Get round there!

Man alive!

It's packing 500 horsepower

from a twin-turbo
six-cylinder engine.

And that's just the start.

It's got an eight-speed
automatic gearbox.

A clever four-wheel-drive option.

You can configure
the steering, dampers...

You can even do the brake pedal!

It is big, and it is clever.

Oh, and did I mention?

Very, very fast.

ENGINE REVS

Yes! You little German beauty!

But on the subject of beauty...

..it's hard to ignore

that massive-nostrilled
elephant in the room.

There's no getting
around it, is there?

Who signed that off?

I know they say beauty's
in the eye of the beholder,

but come on!

Whoever designed that

needs to have a long, hard look
at theirself in the mirror.

And talking downsides,
for a car wearing that badge,

there is a bigger one.

It's overcomplicated.

Yes, it's fast
and it's fun to drive,

but you feel disconnected from it.

The computer takes over
and does everything.

So if you look at it on paper,
it's the ultimate machine.

But is it the ultimate
driving machine?

I'm not so sure.

The trouble is, over the years,

all cars have become bigger,
heavier and more complicated.

And that's where
M cars have gone, too.

But then, every now and again,

they go and build a car
that lets you know

they haven't completely forgotten
where they came from.

The 1M.

A purified, pocket-sized,
back-to-basics coupe

that turned up back in 2011

as a true spiritual successor
to the original M3.

It is good to be back.

I used to own one of these.

And, yes, I absolutely loved it.

Let's see if it's as good
as I remember.

MUSIC: Block Rockin' Beats
by The Chemical Brothers

ENGINE REVS

Oh-ho! Here we go.

This is what it's all about.

TYRES SCREECH

No fancy dampers,
no multi-mode brake pedal.

Just a dinky car...

Whoa!

..with a punchy engine,
rear-wheel drive,

and someone clinging onto
the steering wheel for dear life.

Yes! Come on!

What made the 1M so special
was that,

with just 335 horsepower,
it was never about raw performance.

Its M-car genius
was all in the feel.

Woohoo!

Oh, man, I love
the little short gear changes.

I love the steering wheel.
I love everything about this car.

You're totally connected to it.

Do you know what?

When they get it right,
they get it right.

This thing is absolute driving joy.

Why did I get rid of it?!

Well, I know why -

me wife told me to.

Happy birthday, M Division.

And here's to
50 more glorious years.

TYRES SCREECH
Get out there!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Double teapot.

I'm not happy either.
Not happy.

McGuinness, how could you
go and do that without me?

BMW M cars is my specialist subject.
I can talk about them for hours.

That's exactly
why we didn't send you.

LAUGHTER

Looking down the line, they're not
getting any prettier, are they?

Well, I mean, what's going on
with these grilles, Christopher?

I don't know. The car looks
better if I stand here. Yeah.

Why, though?
What was the reasoning behind it?

Well, they apparently designed it
after Fred Flintoff -

two massive teeth
down the front end. Oh! Oh!

Why? Oh... Why? I've got feelings.

And now, we must move on
to talk about the future.

Cos we all know the petrol era
is coming to an end,

which, for your
traditional petrolhead,

might sound like bad news.

But don't worry, because we're here
to tell you that the future of fuel

is starting to look
very interesting.

Let's begin...

..with battery power.

Because for a long time now,
if you wanted to go green,

batteries have been pretty much
your only option.

But, let's be honest,
it's only just lately

that they've really
started turning heads.

Take the sensational
Back To The Future styling

of Hyundai's IONIQ 5.

The Mustang Mach-E -

a family crossover that packs
nearly 500 horsepower.

Or how about a car
that looks to be heading

where no EV has gone before?

The CUPRA Born.

Strange name, interesting car.

This could be the first-ever
all-electric hot hatch.

Wahey!

Now, it's based
on VW's not-very-hot ID.3.

But over in the Spanish sunshine,

CUPRA, the new sporty wing of SEAT,
has been busy heating things up.

Compared to the ID.3, this is lower,
the suspension's sharper,

and this particular one
is around 200 horsepower.

All very hot-hatchy. Whoa-ho!

What's a bit less hot-hatchy,
though,

is that old eco problem of
lugging around a big, heavy battery.

The weight's all low down,

which means it's pretty flat
into the corners,

but it's just missing
a little bit of zip,

a little bit of zing.

Nah.

It's more of a lukewarm hatch.

Tepid. Cool to the touch.

Cool-to-the-touch hatch.

So, no, at just over 30 grand,

the Born isn't going to
tempt you away from your Golf GTI.

But it does show
that more affordable EVs

are just starting to have some fun.

The Born is injecting
a little bit of Latin flair

into the beige world
of electric hatchbacks.

Which is all well and good.

But up at the top of the range,

EVs have been putting on a very
convincing show for a while now.

Mostly thanks to this.

TYRES SCREECH

The Porsche Taycan.

The unbelievably quick,
incredibly capable four-door saloon

that has been embarrassing
petrol performance cars

since it launched
a couple of years ago.

And now, to keep the great
battery charge advancing...

..the Germans have sent in
some backup.

The Audi e-tron GT.

This might just be
the first electric car

you could buy on looks alone.

It's an absolute knockout!

And it's beautiful inside too.

They've not gone
Tesla minimalist here.

It feels like a posh Audi -
an even posher Audi than normal!

Underneath the fantastic
fit and finish,

the GT actually shares
the same chassis, gearbox,

and a lot of the same technology
as the Taycan.

And do you know what?

It might actually be better
to drive than the Porsche.

It's a bit more comfortable.

The whole chassis feels
just a bit more intuitive.

This is an Audi
that's better to drive

than the equivalent Porsche.

I mean, the world's
been turned upside down.

There are no rules any more.

What there is instead...

..is power.

Now, this version
has over 500 horsepower,

and this isn't even
the fastest one.

But this is still absurdly quick,
it really is.

You don't need a car
faster than this.

And here's the best bit.

Crusty old journalists like me
have complained for years

that Audis don't oversteer.
Watch this.

TYRES SCREECH

Straight away, massive, massive
rear-wheel-drive skids.

HE LAUGHS

So new electric cars -
no longer boring.

And it doesn't stop there.

Because whether
it's a charged-up Cobra,

a battery-powered Beetle,

or a Defender
that's swapped diesel for DC,

there are now loads
of companies out there

giving timeless classics
a new lease of life

by swapping their fumey old engines
for batteries and motors.

Although, it must be said,

for your traditional petrolhead,
this is...

..a tricky area.

Hey, now, this is a bit of you
at the end, innit?

What do you reckon about
having an electric motor in one?

I just don't know. I'm so confused.
Mm. I love my 911,

and I love it because of the sound
of the flat-six. Absolutely.

I mean, this is what I lie awake
at night thinking about.

So, I...
HE SIGHS

I were going to say,
we're going to drive one apiece.

I think I know which one
you're going to go for.

I've got to have a go in it. Yeah.
Do you know what I'm going to do?

The old e-Defender.
I'm going to give it a whirl.

Why's it got exhaust pipes?
Has yours got exhaust pipes?

What?

Sacrilegious as it may seem, though,
what cannot be denied

is the performance
this kind of transplant yields,

as we shall now demonstrate
with a drag race.

Electric classics versus their old
fossil-fuelled equivalents.

MAN ON RADIO: Three, two, one, go!

Whooooa! Oh, my God!

I've just been done by a Defender.

I'm in a Defender! Wow!

Wow, look at him go!

But now I'm going.

CAMERA CLICKS

There's the Porsche. Yes!

And now we're going away.

Over the line at 120. That's quick.

Wha-hey-hey!

Whoa! Oh!

Oh, my...

That Defender off the line,
good Lord!

Oh, here's the other little Porsche.

Here he is.

Too late now. Already got it.

OK, electric...

..demolishes petrol
in a straight line.

I have just literally left
a Porsche for dead

in a Land Rover Defender.

What a time to be alive!

I want one of these.

Can you imagine
just someone pulling up

at the side of you at the lights
thinking, "Oh, I'll burn this off"?

And you're like, "Will ya?"

And the best part is...

Whaaaaaaaaa!

..when it comes
to the future of fuel,

batteries aren't even
the most exciting tech going.

Time for our next fuel
of the future,

with Professor Harris.

Hydrogen.

The most abundant element
in our universe.

And if you can get it on its own,

it's something
you can power your car with.

Now, the science behind it
is pretty straightforward.

In one end comes some hydrogen,

and it mixes with oxygen
from the atmosphere.

There they go - mix, mix.

And through a complicated
exchange of protons

and electrons and other things,
you get - this is the clever bit -

electricity.

That and that equals that.
Isn't it brilliant?

And the only by-product,

the thing that comes
out of your exhaust,

is this - good old H2O.

Water.

Now, if you've extracted your
hydrogen using green electricity,

the whole process
is carbon-neutral.

And the even cleverer thing is...

..hydrogen packs a punch.

Now, in rocket A,
we have two grams of petrol.

And in rocket B,
we have two grams of hydrogen.

And we're going to find out
which produces the biggest bang.

Serious science, this.

So, first up - petrol.

Lovely, explode-y petrol.

BEEP

OK.

And now - hydrogen.

BEEP

That's a clear win for hydrogen.

The only problem is...

..while a few companies

are developing this exciting,
elegant technology,

up to now,
the most exciting, elegant car

that anyone's found to put it in...

..is this.

The Toyota Mirai. Yes.

It essentially just drives
like an electric car.

Well, that's what a hydrogen car is.

It's just storing its energy
in different ways.

A normal electric car conventionally
has a battery. This stores hydrogen,

and then uses a fuel cell
to convert it.

You have a tank out the back,

and you can fill this thing up
like you would a petrol car.

It's a liquid. So, fill it up,
away you go.

A couple of minutes,
400 miles of range.

Try that in an electric car.
Now, I must say,

that is quite a good thing
compared to electric cars.

That's what drives me mad
with electric cars.

Exactly. Is the amount of time
you've got to put...

So where do you fill up
an hydrogen car?

There are fuel stations
all over the country.

How many? 12.

12? 12.

Last year... Yeah?

..there were 15 people born
in this country... Yeah?

..given the name Lucifer.

LAUGHING: No, there weren't!

So you've got more chance
of running into a baby Lucifer

than you have of finding
a hydrogen fuel station.

Well, it's got its downsides, OK?

But these are the upsides,
all right?

First of all, we're not carting
around a great big battery,

which is really, really heavy.

Second of all, you read
all these stories about

digging up nasty metals
from the ground

and all the stuff
that goes on with that.

Cobalt. There's none of that, OK?

And thirdly, you can use
the existing petrol network.

So, if you go to BP,

where there's LPG,
there could by hydrogen.

Come on, get on board, Pad.

I am on board, believe it or not.
And this goes quite well. Come on.

Yeah, the science stacks up,
no denying that.

So why have they put it all
in something so vanilla?

We need a hydrogen supercar.

I agree. Er, can we now do
something more exciting?

Cos I am getting quite sleepy here.
Yes.

Indeed we could.

Because what if
there was a way to go green

without giving up
on the combustion engine?

MOTOR REVS

A way to go green
without giving up all that noise.

MOTOR REVS

That drama.

That soul.

MOTOR REVS

Introducing synthetic fuel.

TYRES SCREECH

Look at the go on that Lamborghini!

Man alive!

Whoa-ho-ho!

What a machine.

These synthetic fuels,

they're pretty big news
at the moment.

The fuel that's in this car

was the brainchild of genius
Formula 1 engineer Paddy Lowe.

So I am literally Paddy-powered,
but in the right way.

What very clever engineers
like Mr Lowe have managed to do

is create a petrol made not from oil

but from carbon dioxide
captured from the air

and hydrogen extracted from water.

The result is a fuel
that, when burned,

emits only the CO2
that was extracted

to make it in the first place.

So, as long as you're using green
electricity to power production,

it is completely carbon-neutral.

And the really good thing
about this is,

it'll work in any petrol car,
no matter how old or how new.

You can even mix it
with your regular fuel.

It's absolute genius!

And it might just save
some of these old dinosaurs

from extinction.

Ah!

They say the Aventador
will be the last Lamborghini

without electrical assistance.

The last free-breathing, pure V12.

And just listen to that noise!

759 horsepower.

ENGINE REVS

This new GT3
just ticks all the boxes.

Flat-six, normally aspirated,
revs at 9,000 RPM.

ENGINE REVS

Whoo!

Before you go thinking
this is the answer

to all our petrolhead prayers,
though...

Ah!

..we should point out
a couple of drawbacks.

The main issue being you can't just
pop into your local petrol station

to fill up with synthetic fuel.

This stuff is experimental.
It's extremely rare.

Which means it's expensive.

And if you want a number -

at the moment,
about ten quid a litre.

But, while we wait to see
whether synthetic fuels

will one day become affordable
enough for the masses,

what we do at least now know...

..is that with the sun setting
on fossil fuels...

..the new dawn is starting
to look very bright indeed.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, just stupidly fast.

Huh?

I thought it was going to do
a wheelie. They're crazy.

Oh, man. That was
very informative, boys.

But what I want to talk about
is these electric classics,

cos if I was going to get
an electric car,

apart from that Rivian,
that's how I'd do it.

All the fun, all the looks,
none of the maintenance.

And I've got to say,

the first five seconds
of being in this car,

that acceleration,

compared to everything
I've driven on Top Gear,

that's the most fun I've had, ever.
Anything?

Aston Martin Victors,
Ferrari Romas, DB5s...

This, for that first five seconds,
was bonkers.

You know how he squeaks?
That was peak squeak.

That was. Oh, it was.
Right up there.

It was amazing.
It was full squeaking.

And also, synthetic fuel,
hey, hey? I'm all over this.

He's been on the internet again.
Here we go. Oh, no.

It's all the fun of a petrol engine,
completely green.

That's the magic bullet right there.
It could be, but it just depends

if they can make it
cheap enough, doesn't it?

If they can, then we might be
having a lot more fun

in silly petrol-engine cars
for some time to come.

Fingers crossed.

And on that unusually
optimistic note,

we must end the show,
and the series. What?!

AUDIENCE AND HOSTS GROAN

It was like being in panto, that.

We'll be back later in the year.

Thank you so much for watching.
Goodnight.

CHEERING