Top Gear (2002–…): Season 29, Episode 3 - Episode #29.3 - full transcript

APPLAUSE

CHEERING, CARS BEEP

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Hello. Welcome to Top Gear.

We're still outside with
our fantastic studio audience.

There's some absolute beauties
out there, Fred.

I know. Look at this down here.
An old Mercedes Pagoda.

Absolute mint condition.

But that's caught my eye over there,
Paddy. TVR Tuscan.

I tried to buy one when I was
younger but couldn't get it insured.



Something for everyone out there.

Especially... Look at him! Look
at the eyes on him. Look at him!

I can't get enough of it.
I can't get enough of it.

Look what we've got
out here, people.

We've got everything from a TR7...

We've got a G Series
911 Speedster

and one of 26 Jensens made
in the mid to late '90s.

I mean, it's rocking horse poo,
that stuff. Paddy?

I'm in heaven. Very close to heaven.
BBC One, to be precise.

And they're spoiling us as well!

Gary Lineker doesn't get
a big stage.

No, but he does earn some money,
though, doesn't he, Padd?

In fact, BBC One, if you're
watching, keep the stage.

We'll have Gary's wages.



Tonight we're talking about
the greatest cars of all.

Not supercars, not sports cars,
but hire cars.

Drive 'em like an idiot,
hand 'em back when you're done.

You know what they say -
"Don't be gentle, it's a rental."

So way back in February,
to celebrate the humble hire car,

we decided it was time the three
of us went on a mini break.

Cyprus.

The balmy Mediterranean island

that's home to white,
sandy beaches,

craggy peaks,

and officially the cheapest
hire cars in Europe.

The perfect place, then,
to celebrate the joy of rentals.

Ah. Eh? Cyprus!

Why have you got so much stuff?

What have you got in them bags?
We're on holiday.

They said a couple of days away.

Right, lads, here we go.

We're here for two days.

In here is the money
to rent your car.

Thank you.

30 euros.

Hang on, so you get 15 euros a day?!

Yeah. To hire a car? Well done,
Paddy. Thank you. Well done.

I reckon we go Budget, then,
there. Look, Budget.

You either go big-name corporate or
you go local. I'm going local, boys.

Always go local
cos you can haggle.

You can't haggle with Mr Avis.
He's a corporation. Haggle.

Leave this to me.
Leave this to me, boys.

Yassas. Hello.

Oh, hello. I like that.
Hello there. Welcome.

Right. Chaps, I've got 30 euros.
Have a look at me.

I want something stylish and
refined. For 30 euros? For 30 euros.

30 euros, right.

We'll start with that one.
About 86 euros.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

30 euros, I'll need something
for two days.

A little cabriolet would be nice,
wouldn't it? For 30? For 30 euros?

Well, what're you saying?
Let's haggle. Let's haggle. Come on!

What insurance do you want with
that? Do you want it full covered?

How much is that? It's an extra 20.
Forget the insurance.

Don't worry about that. We're very
careful, very good drivers.

Well, two of us are.

I've only gone and done it, boys.
Your turn next. Thank you!

With the haggling bar
set very high...

Hurry up! What's the excess on that?

1,500 euros. Aw, Jesus.

..Flintoff and Harris decided
they'd attack the desk together.

I want something big... ish. Yeah.
Quite rugged. 30 euros as well.

Like that pick-up.
How much is the pick-up?

Pick-up is about 90 euros
for two days. About 90.

What're you looking at? I just
want something small and nippy.

OK, so you're two days as well?

Yes, please. Small and nippy.

Lads, top tip... Give me your
licence and your credit card.

There you go. Oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Coutts. The Queen's bank?!

Oh-ho-ho! Oh, may I touch this card?

Put us all on the Coutts card.

GIGGLING

Lovely.

So three deals done,

Harris posher than ever,
and with keys in hand,

next we headed to the car park

to see what treasures they'd unlock.

- You don't look clever doing that.
- DISTANT CLICKING

Hang on, I can hear summat.

Oh, there she blows!

Not that thing. I've got myself
a beauty. Thank you.

Kindred spirits!

Paddy, are you on a retainer
from Henry Ford?

The old Focus CC.

I mean, that is the worst looking
car.

Fred, do you think this is the one

of the most awkward-looking cars
ever made?

It's horrible. Excuse me.
Do you know who styled this?

Pininfarina. Pininfarina,
thank you very much!

Who styled what, Chris? Everyone has
an off day. What, Chris?

Everyone has an off day. Who were
they associated with, Chris?

The odd Ferrari. Ferrari.

I tell you what -
I am living the dream here, boys!

It's always reassuring
when the black rubber bits

have got body-coloured paint on it.

Dear God. Is that all the damage?

LAUGHTER

Right, you better click yours.
I don't have a clicker.

That is old school. Look at that!
We have to find it. It's a Suzuki.

Suzuki! I like a Suzuki.
So it's one of two things.

It's either a very small city car...

Oh, ey'up.

..or that.

It is the Jimny.
You like a Jimny?

I love a new Jimny.
I've never driven the old one.

Oh, you're in for a treat.
It's 15 euros a day.

That's a bit of a worry.
This here's not quite down, is it?

Ah, don't worry about that.

I think if you applied that
level of detail to it, Fred,

you might be disappointed.

I'm happier with that than yours.

Please. No? This is not even allowed
on the same car park as mine.

Shut up. It's a Jimny. But we're
on holiday. I'm in a good mood.

I'm not going to go there. Come on,
Chris. What you got? Right, lads.

No clicker. Please, Paddy.
Paddy. Paddy, please.

Now, I've got...
I don't know what's coming here.

Please, please. What is the reg?
Please say ZK. Please.

Z. Z what? K? K? K. Oh-ho!

♪ Saturday night
I feel the air is getting hot. ♪

It's a Kia Picanto, isn't it?

♪ Like you baby. ♪

Right, lads. Come on, talk us
through it, Chris. A Picanto.

A hire car - small, nimble,
park it anywhere.

This is the one.

Come on. You're trying to take
the positives out of this.

You do not like this car.
Now, look here.

What happens when Brits arrive on
holiday? They get the convertible.

First day, they put the roof down
and they blister. I've got a roof.

First thing - always have
a roof on your hire car.

Oh, that's the first...

When you go to anywhere sunny,
I always request I must have a roof.

I do as well. Yeah.
I don't want to see the sun.

This will have air conditioning.

Please have air conditioning.
Please have air...

It's not got air conditioning,
has it?

Doesn't have air conditioning. No.

LAUGHTER

It's got a vinyl seat there as well.

Lovely touch. This is going to be...
Moist is the word.

Get yourself in there, son.

Right. Pininfarina, let's go.

MUSIC: One More Time
by Daft Punk

ENGINE REVS

ENGINE GOES QUIET

ENGINE SPUTTERS

Flintoff's stalled it already.

Not just once, Chris, but twice.

THEY LAUGH

♪ One more time. ♪

Ah, lovely stuff.

I tell you what, gentlemen.

You can keep your Rolls-Royces
and your Monte Carlos.

I'd sooner be driving my hire car
along the beachfront in Cyprus.

Look at this! Tell you what -
I like it down here, lads.

I am so happy. For 15 euros a day,
I've got myself a Suzuki Jimny.

The thing about the Jimny is don't
be fooled how cute they are.

These are proper machines.

Four-wheel-drive, brilliant
off-road. They're nippy around town.

All right, it's a bit dirty inside.
There's a bit of rust.

Roof's not the best.

But I'm happy.

How's the cars running, boys?

Mine is running sweet as a nut.

It's really, really tight.

118,000 km.

Could easily be 40,000.

That's a lie.

The Picanto has a few issues.
She's steering really nicely.

Suspension's good but the clutch
has got a horrible lump in it.

So it comes off the floor slowly

and then you've got that
sort of big, springy reaction.

You know what I mean.
You've all driven one like it.

This is not helped by the fact

that the throttle is effectively
an on-off switch.

Suddenly you get everything.

So this is not an easy car
to drive smoothly.

CAR RATTLES

Do you know, it's lovely.

Plenty of room, smooth ride.

I've got the biggest engine
out of the three.

1,600, this.

Aircon, cabriolet, hard top.

Nothing this car can't handle.

Straight off the bat, lads.
Car's running lovely.

It doesn't look lovely
from the rear, Paddy.

Like you, Chris.

It's quite the eyeful in
my windscreen, to be honest.

A little yellow Kia with a little
bald head popping up and down.

You look like a Poundland
transformer.

Truth be told, though, for the price
of a London gin and tonic,

none of us had much
to complain about.

Go on, boys!

We'd managed to bag
three absolute bargains.

And it got us thinking about
the lost art of the haggle.

Right, Flintoff, your whole life
is one haggle.

You won't even buy a packet of
Wine Gums without asking 20p off.

You're right, Chris.
What I do with things,

I have a price I'm prepared to pay,

and I'm prepared to walk
away from anything.

I mean, for someone
like yourself, Chris,

haggle's probably
a new thing to you.

Cos obviously you bank at Coutts,

you've never haggled
for anything in your life.

I haggle more than you two
put together.

Aw! You're dreaming, Chris.
You're absolutely dreaming.

Please don't start with the...

Put your hands up if you've been
asked to leave John Lewis

because your haggling technique
was too aggressive.

Hands up if you've ever said a more
middle-class statement in your life.

"Hey, have you ever been asked
to leave John Lewis?"

I mean, come on!

"Bloody hell, Paddy.

"They don't like haggling
in Selfridges neither."

Since actions speak
louder than words,

it was just as well we'd been told
to head to Cyprus' only racetrack

so we could start figuring out who'd
really haggled the best hire car.

Oh, look at this!

This is superb!

Yassas!

Electric windows,
still functioning. Thank you.

Lads, we've got a challenge here.
"Time for some hot laps.

"To see how your hire cars
handle summer temperatures,

"their interiors will now
be heated to 40 degrees.

"Windows up, fastest lap wins.

"Oh, and watch out for
the local traffic."

40 degrees.

I'm wearing the heaviest denim

you can actually buy in
the shops at the moment.

Two words - ball soup.

Yes, to see how we'd cope with
the classic holiday hire car hazards

of boiling interiors
and unpredictable traffic,

the producers would now
superheat our cars' cockpits

before sending us out to set
the fastest time possible,

all while avoiding the traffic

heading the wrong way
round the track.

Imagine how chuffed I was, then...

Bloody hell.

..that I was up first.

You warm in there?
It's absolutely roasting.

Can we crack on with this, please?
It's a bit close out here as well.

Right, Mr Harris will be timing you.

You're going to have traffic coming
the opposite way so do be careful.

You're in quite a high-sided
vehicle there.

You're going to set off
on the green flag.

I'm off... in the Jimny.

This is not the car for this job.

The thing with this Jimny,
it's high-sided.

He's high-sided naturally.

Oh, oh, don't clip the kerb.
Don't clip the kerb.

Just feel it all going over!

Stay up, stay up, stay up!
No, no, no!

So hot.

Here come the other cars.

Oh, bloody hell!

CARS BEEP

Oh, look at that. Oh, dear.

CARS BEEP

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, my word!

Mitsubishi just came from nowhere!

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Come on, come on, come on,
come on. Go, go, go!

CARS BEEP

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ooh.

TYRES SQUEAL

He's tried the handbrake. It's never
going to happen on this Jimny.

Oh! You glad to be out?

Horrible. It is warm in there,
I'll give him that.

Can't imagine that was fast at all.
Well, we don't know, do we?

But you did it in 3:15.

That's the time to beat. Looked
pretty good to me. Did it? Yeah!

I'm not going to beat that
in the Picanto, am I?

Oh, get lost. This is horrendous.
I can't even hold... Ow!

I basically can't breathe in here.
It's horrendous.

And anything that's metal,
I can't touch.

I do feel for you, because not only
is it 40 degrees in that car,

but you've got all that hair
on your back as well.

Can we get on with this?
I genuinely...

I won't last long in here like this.
It's horrendous.

Absolutely horrendous.

What's the time to beat, Fred?

I don't know. What is it?
3 minute 15?

Was it 3:15? The time?

Was it 3:15? Yeah. Think it was.

I don't care about his time!
Just let me go!

Pipe down. You're going
to make yourself hot.

Look at him. 3 minutes 15 seconds
to beat. You go on the green flag.

Best of luck.

CAR REVS

The flag'll be going
any minute, Chris.

Can't even hold the cocking
steering wheel!

Go! Oh! Look at that!
Little wheel spin.

Oh, the little wheel spin
on the Picanto!

This is horrible in here.

I can't change gear cos
it burns my flipping hand.

It's an angry lap, this,
by an angry man.

TYRES SQUEAL

Come on, the Picanto!

Oh! Oh, he's showing off now.

15 quid, that car! You don't
want to be doing that!

Whoa, got to be careful here.

Please stay on your side
of the road, minivan.

CARS BEEP

I'm not losing to Flintoff...

..in a bloody comedy off-roader.

What we on here? 2:30.
What is it, 3:15?

No!

TYRES SCREECH

THEY CHEER

Oh. I was anxious
watching that, Chris.

Do you want the good news
or bad news?

Can I have the bad news?

Bad news - fantastic handbrake
turn in the Picanto.

Cameras weren't on you,
but we enjoyed it. Yeah.

There wasn't a single camera?
No, but looked good.

That's the bad news.
Oh, so the good news?

Good news is you beat me.
You beat the Jimny.

By how much? Just over ten seconds.

3:04:56.

Over to you in the Penis-farina.

Wow. He's been thinking of that one
for three minutes, four seconds.

Thank you very much.

I'll make sure the cameras
are on me for my handbrake.

Are you going to do one? Was there
really no-one on that? No-one on it.

Nevertheless, the Picanto
was still the car to beat

as finally McGuinness lined up
in his very hot Focus.

Oh, no. Oh, here we go.

Time for the vest. Look at
the state of him. Right, Patrick.

You've got 3:04 to beat,
which is probably unlikely,

so you might want to aim for 3:15.

That's probably more your level.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ready when you are. Pathetic.

"Oh, you ought to aim for 3:15."

Right, Paddy.

He's off.

God, the car is so heavy!

The trouble is, with the Focus,

it looks lovely but it drives
like a bag of spanners.

That doesn't look too quick, that.

Aw, the understeer's ridiculous!

It's a curiously ungraceful thing,
isn't it? It's horrible.

CARS BEEP

Where's he going?! Out of the way!

Oh, no. Ooh!

CARS BEEP

Ah, the understeer!
Nearly went into the Mini.

It isn't nice when they're coming
and you're just drifting out.

Out the way!

Jesus!

What is that?!

Idiot!

It's going to be tight.
It's going to be tight.

Whoa!

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

So what's our strategy
if he does win?

Cos he'll do that,
"Aw, look at me! Aw! Aw!"

That'll do.

And stop.

You've stopped it? Yes.
Right, got it. Good lad.

Good lad, Fred.

TYRES SCREECH

Look at him.
He's so happy with himself!

CAR REVS

Oh, dear.

Oh, what's he done?
I'll leave it here.

Phew.

I feel like I know what a tomato
feels like in a greenhouse.

You want the good news
or the bad news?

I know what you're going to say.

The good news - they got
the handbrake turn.

No, no, no. Bad news -
wasn't quick enough.

The good news is you exceeded
all expectations.

Thank you.
We thought you'd be miles off.

The bad news is, you were three
tenths of a second slower than me.

Oh, my God, no!

Three tenths of a second.
So, if you hadn't...

If you'd gone one corner slightly
quicker, you'd have had me.

Who was in charge of the timer?
Paddy, Paddy, Paddy, I'll stop you.

I feel a little bit conflicted
as an ex-sportsman. Right.

I don't like to cheat. Right.

Chris made me add another second on.

Was there any need for that?

Was there any need for that?
I had to come clean, I'm sorry.

It's this whole North-South thing,
isn't it?

The whole northern thing.

Can I just say, that's what it's
all about in this game. Cricketers.

Sportsmanship.

Right, I'm just going to go
and give myself a quick wet wipe.

FREDDIE LAUGHS

I thought we had...
I thought we were down. I couldn't.

I thought we were down.
I was feeling bad. I was guilty.

It stopped him doing the big
celebration, though, didn't it?

He didn't do the big... We're onto
something there, aren't we? Yeah.

Actually, sorry. I think
he's a better man for it. Yeah.

I forgot something. Yeah, what?

SCREAMS: Yes!

I can't deal with it. Have it!

I should have lied. Have it!

HE BELLOWS

Give me them wet wipes out.

Chris?

I hope they've been in the fridge.

So, the mighty Focus
had taken the win,

and it was time to celebrate
with a bit of top-down motoring.

This is living.

Better yet, for our next test,

we'd been told to head to
a local reservoir.

I think I spy a gravel road ahead,
lads.

And reaching it meant it was
time for a bit of

hire car driving heaven.

Come on, then, Jimny,
a bit of off road.

Now this is what rental car-ing
is all about.

Exactly.

When you take it back, yeah,

they look round it with
a fine-tooth comb,

but they never look underneath it,
do they?

This is fun.

A bit of a hump.

Yes.

The Picanto's got 65 horsepower,

but suddenly, off-road, it feels
like it's got about 300.

Love it.

Unfortunately, though, it didn't
take long for the two... children

to get overexcited.

HE LAUGHS

LAUGHING: He's going.

This will be
bread-and-butter for the Jimny.

Oh! Whoa!

Oh, the Jimny's here.

I can see the Jimny.

Oh! Oh!

Come on, Paddy!

HE LAUGHS

It's a tough little
bugger, this.

He's got me. Need a bit of flat.

Here we go. Shunt!

BLEEP

Whoa!

Whoa!

HE LAUGHS

We're supposed to be
looking after these.

The front of your car's taken
a battering, mate.

A few hundred quid, I reckon, Pad.

It's all right for you, Mr Coutts.

The rest of us are in normal banks.

Fred, the bodywork were all right
until you cut me off.

Cut you off? You hit me.

Half of your car went missing
when you went through a big puddle.

And then you just decided to
drive into me.

In me defence, and I don't know
if this is an argument you can have

with the car hire people,
but if I say,

"Look, lads, it were a gravel road,"

they'll forgive me for that,
won't they?

Unlikely.

Still, before McGuinness could
rearrange any more of his

dreadful Italian styling, we
arrived at the reservoir.

I see a challenge there, lads.

Oh. Challenge!

Here we go, then.

Time for a drag race.

"To test the performance
of your hire cars,

"they will now drag you on water
skis across this lake."

How? Hang on a minute.
Have you ever water skied?

Once, for about ten minutes.
Whatever. Seriously.

Have you?

Of course he has. He was brought
up in the Caribbean.

Here we go. All that, "Wey!"

"Faster, Daddy, faster."

He's going to be good at this. He
might have found something. Oh, God.

Come on, then. Let's get down there.

There's nothing better than watching
a rookie water-skier swallow water.

Again, you're off with
your middle-class statements again.

Especially a gobby one with
stupid ears.

"Nothing better than a rookie
water-skier."

Who says that?
Try and talk your way out of this.

Right, in what has to be the worst
possible way to test performance,

our hire cars would now become
water ski tow ropes.

Yep, jacked up,
with a front wheel removed,

you simply hit the accelerator
to reel in the skier.

And since we'd be the ones
in the water, to make things fair,

local pro George will be
taking the wheel.

Oh, hang on a minute, I think I've
just spotted Gollum's stunt double.

Here he is. Oh, my word.

When they show this on the telly,
they'll have that music,

like when Daniel Craig comes
out of the sea.

No, no, what they'll play is the
theme tune to the Lord Of The Rings.

Yeah, I don't know where
I should be looking,

but where I am looking,
I shouldn't be.

This is George. Hello.

Hello, George, how are you?
I'm good.

Very experienced
in the old water-skiing.

I've done it once before. Oh, don't
start that. That's excellent.

Now, he's been saying how good
he is. Grew up doing it.

How different is it to being
towed by a boat?

A lot.

Ah.

Now, to give us a fighting chance,

we'd each be given three goes to
record a speed.

And since he's
so keen on his watersports,

first up was the Hobbit
and his Picanto

to show us all how it's done.

Are you ready, George?

Oh, he's off, he's off.

Oh, he's up, he's up. Oh, no!

THEY CHEER

HE GROANS

Fantastic, Chris!

Take two! He's up, he's up.
Go, go, go.

THEY CHEER

THEY LAUGH

He's doing it again.
Go on, Harris! Go on, Harris!

Two goes down
and no results on the board.

Come in, Chris,
this is embarrassing.

Right, we're going to get it.

The pressure was on for Harris's
final attempt.

Oh, ay oop. Oh.

Go on, Harris!

He's still going. Ay oop.

Oh. That's a good effort.

Here he is now.

Come on, George, come on!

BOTH: Oh!

Brilliant, Chris, brilliant.

Hey, you're a natural.

The speed was 15mph, one-five.

Oh, no need for that.
Absolute weapon.

With a score now to aim for,

McGuinness was next out
the changing room.

Oh, my word.

Safety first with them goggles,
eh, Pad?

Contact lenses, Fred.

Is that what it is? You can never be
too careful in this game.

I might borrow them for mine.
Oh, my...

What are those?

These? Yes.

I've seen you lot in Monte Carlo.
I know what you wear.

Hang on a minute, you what?

What?! Him, him. You what?

Him and his family.

Rubbish trash talk out of the way,
the Focus was lined up,

while Paddy headed out on the water.

15's the time to beat.

You know what's going to happen
here, don't you?

He's going to get up first time
and smash it.

Or then again...

..maybe not.

Oh! Hey-hey-hey!

PADDY LAUGHS

HE SPITS

Come on, Padd, keep going, son!

Come on. This time.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Going, Padd. Go on, lad!

Oh, he's doing it. He's on.
No, he's not.

CHRIS LAUGHS

Lads!

Yeah?

I think I'm going to go to plan B.

What was plan A?

I don't know.

I know one thing. What?

I've definitely got gastroenteritis.

THEY LAUGH

Here he goes, here he goes, here he
goes. Come on, come on, come on.

Go. Flat out!

It's going to rub his hair off,
this.

PADDY SPLUTTERS

Ha!

What's next, plan C?

You got all these big guns

and you've got
the arm strength of four-year-old.

I couldn't breathe, you dickhead!

FREDDIE LAUGHS

Thanks, Paddy. Thank you.

Do you want your speed?

It says here you got 3mph.

Three-zero?

Three.

So, with the Picanto
well in the lead,

all we had to do now was wait

for McGuinness to get out
of the water...

I used to be a lifeguard.

If any of you get in trouble
in the water, give me a shout, boys.

..and then wait

to see what the world's
most competitive man could do

with his Jimny.

He's just holding on for dear life.

He's up. I told you he'd do it.
I told you he do it.

Is he in? He's in. He's down.

We're on again. Come on, lurch!

Here he goes. He's up again.

Oh, he's in now. There he goes.

Oh, no. There he goes.

There he goes.

You all right? He keeps stopping.

Yeah, that's cos you've fallen in.
Tell him not to stop.

Give it the berries, George.
Just rip his arms off. Yes.

You've seen the size of him.

This is the big one now.

Come on, here we go.

Come on, see if we can get up.

Here we go, we're moving.

He's up, he's up.
Here he comes now. Here he comes.

Oh.

♪ How d'you like me now? ♪

He's going, he's going, he's going!

♪ How d'you like me now? ♪

Yes! Oh!

LAUGHTER

You've not timed him. I have.
What did I get?

12. Shut up!

I was flying down there.

Right, come on,
let's get you dried off.

Cos I was a lifeguard,

do you want me to show you
how we do the eggbeater leg kick?

I'll save you. Come on.
Hold on to them. The what?

Help.

Don't worry, I'm here.
I've had a freak skiing accident...

This is what we used to do...
..with a Suzuki Jimny.

..when I was
at Horwich Leisure Centre.

Stay still. Don't panic.

Don't panic.

OK.

He's a bit bigger than my normal...

- Ah! Ooh, I've hurt me foot on a ski.
- FREDDIE LAUGHS

Did you? You kicked it then.
Hang on.

We're going to get you
on the side, sir.

Give you mouth-to-mouth.

You worry about that
when you're there.

CHRIS LAUGHS

Grab his hand, Mr Harris.
No, I'm not touching him.

He'll drag me in.

He's going to drag me in.
I'm not getting dragged in.

Mr Harris. No.
This man's drowning! No.

Come on!

Get hold of him.

OK. If he drags me in...

Hurry up!

Get hold!

- No, no, I don't...
- SPLASH

I hate you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What can I say, boys?

Some of us are born
natural sportsmen.

Some of you aren't so lucky.

It's not even a sport, mate.

You were water-skiing 15mph.

I can do that on a pedalo.

LAUGHTER

He wasn't even water-skiing.
He was just dragged...

It was like landing a pilchard!

- FREDDIE LAUGHS - A pilchard.

Stop deflecting, you. You've already
crashed a Lamborghini.

This week you've crashed
another car.

You're a serial crasher.

You are a pilchard.

OK, we'll get back
to our big hire car adventure

a little later in the show,
but before that a question -

money's no object -
what's the ultimate family car?

Well, I reckoned I knew the answer.

As did I.

So the producers ordered these two
to report to the Top Gear test track

for an argument.

Right, the ultimate family car
can only be an estate.

Specifically, this estate.

The new Audi RS6 Avant.

92,000 angry-looking pounds worth

of big-booted four-wheel-drive
practicality...

..strapped to the back
of a 600 horsepower twin turbo V8...

..rocket.

0 to 60 a little over three seconds.

Top speed 190mph.

Wow.

Little boost gauge flickers
and then it just goes!

So it's stinking quick

but stinking quick Audi estate cars
are nothing new.

Now, what's new is this one is
actually quite good fun to drive.

There's something inherently naughty
about a car that's shaped like this

for carrying dogs
and family and clobber...

..that will do this.

What a weapon! What a weapon!

Ultimate family car!

You'd have to be an idiot
to consider anything else.

The ultimate family car, you say?

For me, it's got to be this.

The Lamborghini Urus.

Yes, folks,
Lamborghini have done an SUV...

..and it's the absolute business!

You see, boxy estates are
the old answer to the family car.

These days, everyone wants an SUV,

and the Urus might just be
the most exciting SUV ever made.

It costs 160 grand.

It's packing 641 horsepower.

And as the Italians say,

it goes like cacca off a pala.

Oh, it's fast!

How the hell...

..have they got a car of this size
and weight to perform like it does?

I mean, the engineering
on this thing is unbelievable.

It's Hogwarts level, it's magic!

Look at it, it's an SUV
and it's driving like a supercar!

And there's loads of room in it

for your expensive family

and your expensive dog.

I mean, come on.

If you're talking the ultimate
money-is-no-object family car,

this is the answer.

But since Harris would have you
spend your hard-earned elsewhere...

Wow.

That is just horrendous.

..we thought it best to talk it out
like grown-ups.

Predictable. Boring.

Before we get onto the cars,

what the hell are them on your feet?

Those are style.

You literally look like
that bloke in accounts

who thinks he's a bit wacky by
putting on pink socks.

That's what you are today.

You're an accountant

with pink socks

in your estate car.

OK, look, first of all,
Urus, what's an Urus?

It sounds like an orifice, mate.
It sounds like an exit hole.

Listen... It is a terrible name.
I can't argue with that. OK.

That's the one thing
I can't argue with.

Also, SUVs, in general, are wrong.

They're bigger than they need to be,

heavier than they need to be...
Whoa, hang on a minute.

You sit too high,
high centre of gravity... Listen.

No... The physics are all wrong.

I see a person going in a showroom
buying an estate

as someone in a grey suit
with grey socks,

grey face, grey hair.

Is there anything that thing can do
that this can't?

Plenty. What?

You can say it's a Lamborghini.
Great.

OK, look, we need to settle this
once and for all

and we're going to deploy science.

Now, as these are family cars,

their primary function in life is,
of course, the school run.

The average school run
in the UK is 1.6 miles,

so with a few cones laid out to
create a 1.6 mile handling course,

it was time to see which of our cars
was fastest door-to-door.

Quick question. Mm-hm.

If home's there... Yeah.

..and school's there... Yeah.

..why are we driving
all the way round there?

Is it not just easier
to walk across?

That's why the icecaps are melting,
people like you.

Unnecessary journeys.

Look at that, straight across.

If I show you how it's done,

do I have to not listen to you
any more?

Great. Right. Off you pop.
Here we go.

OK. Three, two, one, go!

Off the line,
it just goes like a lunatic.

Ooh, that kicked off nicely
from there

with the agility
of that four-wheel steering.

It's fast coming up to the chicane.

Let's have a look.

That's quick through there.

So agile and fast.

ENGINE GROWLS

Oh, listen to that.

Cor, these big, fast estate cars
are so capable.

Come on, Audi.

Oh, it's gone well out of there.

Coming up to a minute now.

This would be a lively school run.

I think the children would now be
chundering quite hard.

Ooh.

Ooh!

Come on!

And over the line!

No way McGuinness is beating that.

What do you reckon? I've no idea.

Have a guess. One minute, 20.

Are you psychic? What is it?

One minute, 20! Yes!

Good lad!

1:20.28 to be precise.
That's the time to beat. Well done.

Right, you get in your horrendous
truck and try and beat that.

I've just been nice to you. I know.
Just try giving a bit back.

OK. I like your... gilet.

I tried.

Ready?

Three, two, one, go!

Now we're going!

Come on, let's do it for the SUVs.

However many times you see it,

something that big and heavy going
that fast is shocking.

Past all the other parent
in their estates.

Get out the way!

It's just a terrible looking
vehicle, isn't it?

And I hate to say it,
they're driven by terrible people.

Argh!

Ha-ha! He's on the grass! Come on!

Oh, this is not quick enough.

15, 16. 17.

I think Harris has got me
in the Audi.

I'm safe. The honour
of the estate car has been saved.

Oh, he's going to love this.

Not good. What do you think?

1:29?

No, much quicker. Really? 1:24.6.
That's surprised me.

For a man of your skills
in a Lamborghini, that's damn good.

Thank you, I'll take that as praise.
Two differences. Yeah.

Lower centre of gravity,
proper car, truck, and...

..if you'd had these on,

you'd have gone a second quicker.

I'll take the second slower, thanks.

Anyhow, the fact of the matter is
you designed that course

and we need a test that reflects

what these cars are
actually used for.

What, your car? Yes.

Driving slowly around town
looking like a wally?

See you in a minute.

Let's face it,

the biggest test of any family car
is going away on your holidays...

..which means there's one thing
that matters above everything else.

Caravans?

That's right, son. You need to
get out in the real world.

This is what people are using
family cars for now.

When's a Lamborghini Urus
ever going to tow a caravan

apart from now?

Anyhow, very simple, this one -

straight drag race to the bottom,

first over the line wins.

What's your 0 to 60?

3.6 seconds. Same here.

What's your peak torque output?

It's got a Lamborghini badge
on the front.

Is that the answer
you're looking for?

Three, two, one, go!

ENGINES REV

Oh!

I'm just ahead!

It's got the legs,
it's got the legs!

Bye-bye!

PADDY LAUGHS

Oh, McGuinness has done me.

Oh, what a machine!

100mph.

I mean, it's just ludicrous.

I can't even see him.

Easy meat. 120mph towing a caravan.

Wow. So quick.

Enjoy your caravan holiday, folks.

Too much torque in that bad boy.

Oh, what is he going to be
saying now?

So what you've proved is that
a car that will never ever tow

is good in a towing drag race.

A win's a win.

OK, I'll concede that you won
that one, so it's 1-1,

but there's no doubt

which one makes the driver look like
a complete arse though.

Says the man
in Keith Lemon's trainers.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fantastic.

So you spent the entire day
messing about on our track

and still failed to reach
a conclusion? Yes. That is correct.

Well, it's lucky I'm here to help.

We're going to settle this
family car debate once and for all

with some Stig laps. Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Oh, yes, earlier today,
we handed both of these cars over

to our tame racing driver to see
which was fastest around our track.

Do you want to see what happened?
Yes, I do. Let's have a look.

ENGINE REVS

Oh, it's a split screen, isn't it?

There we go, RS6 versus
the Lamborghini Urus. Head-to-head.

Built ultimately
by the same company,

very similar engine,

but the Lamborghini, crucially,
has 50 horsepower more

and the estate car is
only 100kg less.

This will be close.

Immediately, look how little roll
there is in the Lamborghini

but the RS6 is a bit softer sprung -
it's really rolling.

Hopefully looking for grip

so that it can annihilate
and humiliate

that horrible yellow thing.

Going into Chicago.

Braking performance pretty good.
Both look stable.

Again, the Audi looks
a bit more sluggish.

It's rolling more, isn't it?

They've both come out of here
like stabbed rats, though.

They're fast, so fast,
for big, heavy cars.

Braking into hammerhead.

What does it look like? Looks good.

Again, the Urus's initial turn
looks better.

The Audi has four-wheel steering,

it's got all the tech book,
that Audi,

even more than the Lamborghini,

but I'm not seeing much difference.

Stig using all the road
and a little bit more as well.

Now, this is the quick section.

This is where he demonstrates

the size of his or her
or whatever it is berries.

Oh, they both look really quick,
the tyre wall juddering

with the wash there
and the wake of the air.

Second to last, the most difficult
corner on our circuit.

Oh, he's looking neat and tidy
through both.

You can't split them, can you?

I hate to say it, at this moment
in time, it's too close to call.

Over the line.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right.

Proper grudge match, this. Yeah.
Proper grudge match.

I've got the times. Go on.

Put your neck on the block, Chris.
Which one's going to be faster?

I really hope it's the Audi,

but the Lamborghini looked
worryingly flat and fast,

and also that's got more power.

Oh, we're starting.

We're starting with the excuses.
Shut up, McGuinness. Shut up.

First up, the Audi RS6 Avant.

Where do you think
we're looking at, Chris?

It's big, heavy,
and it's not on the best tyres,

so it's in this range.

I reckon we're looking at
Alfa Giulia, Tesla Model 3 region.

Yeah? Yeah, go on.

Well, I can tell you
the Audi RS6 Avant went round

in one minute...

..21.9,

which puts it just behind...
Oh, he's struggling again.

..the Jaguar F-Type R. Ooh.

OK, so that's not as quick
as I thought it was going to be.

This is not helpful.
That is quite low down, Christopher.

Anything that adds credence to
McGuinness's argument is a problem.

So next one.
And now the big one. Yeah.

The Lamborghini Urus. Come on, Fred!

It is you in car form.
It's totally tasteless.

Look how excited Paddy is. It is!
Paddy...

They could have called it
the Lamborghini McGuinness.

Are you ready, Pad? Yeah. Yes.

The Lamborghini Urus went round

in one minute...

..21.. Oh!

..point...

- ..7! Paddy, lad, Look at that! Yes!
- APPLAUSE

Oh, it's faster than the Audi! Yes!

Oh, my word. Yes!

PADDY LAUGHS

The end of civilisation
as we know it. Oh!

Yes! No!

- Thank you!
- FREDDIE LAUGHS

Oh, God.

Now it's time to get back to
our big Cypress adventure,

where we're discovering just how
much adventure 30 euros could buy.

Day two of our 30 euro road trip

and we'd been told that there
was more in store for our rentals

up in the Cypriot mountains...

..which, to be honest,

didn't really have the kind of sunny
holiday hire car vibe we'd come for.

Lads, what's that white stuff
over there on the right-hand side?

Snow.

But we're in Cyprus.

Whoa, look at that.

Like we're in the Swiss Alps.

I'm dressed for Ayia Napa here.

Yes, not only does Cyprus have snow,

it's got a ski resort,

which was exactly
where we'd been told to head

for our final challenge.

Oh, good work, Jimny. Lovely stuff.

This is Cyprus!

Are we in the same country, lads?

I've just driven past the Ski-Doo.

Do they have those in Ayia Napa?

I've not seen a beach or a glass
of ouzo since I've been here.

Nothing. It's bonkers.

What? There's a...
There's a bloke skiing here!

Oh. Thank you.

The card's cold.

Just going to
wind the window back up.

Hire cars aren't just for summer,
they're for winter too.

To test your car's
cold weather performance,

you will now race
around the Mount Olympus ski resort.

What?

We've already had enough damage
on these cars.

I'm telling you now,
this is a recipe for disaster.

We can't afford any more damage.
We'll never get home.

Luckily for us, though,
the producers have thought of this

and laid on a selection
of hastily cobbled together

protective measures.

McGuinness had gone for

the lightweight
zero functionality choice

of li-los.

Flintoff had inexplicably gone for

the heavier, more potentially
damaging boat buoys.

While I had chosen the all-round
total-coverage solution

of bubble wrap.

Is that going to do anything?

Bubble wrap seems the right balance
between protection and weight to me.

Yeah, but what you've done,

you've not even gone for
the premium bubble wrap.

You've gone for that stuff that
they whack in your parcels

coming to your house.

If you go to the till
at a supermarket,

you buy yourself a couple of cups,
that's what they wrap your cups in.

Should have got the big bubbles,
shouldn't he?

And let me get this right,

Fred's going down the slopes
with a car surrounded by buoys.

FREDDIE LAUGHS

Right, the title of best winter
rental would now be decided

with a two lap race down
the main piste slalom run.

And with a snowcat waiting
at the bottom

to drag us back up to the top,

whoever reaches that first,
will be the front of the queue

for the final run down
to the finish line.

And what all that really meant was
it was time to get the elbows out.

I'm going to set off
a little bit slower in this

because those two will be
off like lunatics.

They'll start
smashing into each other.

It will be a total disaster
and I will just...

..slalom past 'em.

Boom. Ski Sunday.

Here we go.

Three, two, one, go.

We're off.

CARS THUD

Oh, Flintoff.

I've got Harris all over me.
I'm just all over the shop. Come on.

PADDY LAUGHS

Flintoff's going well.

The Jimny's killing it.

PADDY LAUGHS

Oh!

Oi.

PADDY LAUGHS

He rammed me!

I've done it, I'm front!

He's going the wrong way.
They're cheating.

You can't be having that.

♪ Da-da-da, da-da-daa
Da-da-da-da-da-da-daaa

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. ♪

Hey!

Oh! First place! Wonderful.

CARS THUDS

AIR HISSES FROM LI-LO
PADDY LAUGHS

HONKS HORN

Get back, Harris,
you cheating BLEEP.

Hook me up, boys, hook me up.
No way.

No way, I was first! I was first!

You cheated! You didn't go through
the gate. He rammed me!

I were first!
You didn't go through the gate.

Paddy, next time go through
the gate, or at least try.

HE SIGHS

The level of... skulduggery.

Chris has just jumped the queue.
Paddy didn't go round the bollards.

Technically when they look
at the replay of this,

I should be in first place.

ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYS

Well, since we've got
a bit of time to kill

while we wait for the lift,
let's have a look, shall we?

Here you can clearly see
the mighty Pininfarina

easing its way through the field.

Then, Harris completely
loses control

and Flintoff goes
the long way round -

none of which was my fault.

He hit me hard.

Now he's moaning.

"Blah, blah, blah, blah,
I was there first."

He didn't even attempt to go through
any of the gates!

He's done this kind of thing before,
racing on snow and all that.

He came in last - accept it!

You didn't go through the gate!
I were first!

While the other two were
still whingeing on, though,

we had reached the top of the slope

and me and the Jimny...
I'm going... were ready to pounce.

Where are the boys?
I'm not losing to Flintoff.

HE GROANS

This is horrendous.

Oh, it's an exhibition
from the Jimny.

Better still... Come on!

..McGuinness was struggling...
Bollocks!

..to even get off the lift.

Come on, the Picanto!

Here comes Harris. Here he comes.

The Suzuki Jimny for the first win
of the trip.

He's coming through the line!

Oh!

CHRIS GROANS

Unbelievable.

Oh, second.

There we go, Harris.
I'm going to get him back.

- Oh!
- FREDDIE LAUGHS

That serves you right, son.
Payback, Harris.

So that was
first and second place sorted,

which just left one question.

Where's McGuinness, then?
I think he's stuck.

Once I do get this chain off,

what I'm going to do is just
enjoy the focus

and enjoy the slopes to myself.

I don't have to be going down
with two absolute tools.

Shall we see where he is? Yeah.

And we're off.

Here we go. This is pleasant now.

Cue the Ski Sunday music.

SKI SUNDAY MUSIC

Here he is.

PADDY LAUGHS

Woohoo!

Lovely!

Better without them two.

Doesn't sound good, does it?

It's just gone from the top -
urr, urr, urr - making noises.

Hey-hey!

Come on.

Oh, look at that.

Here he is.

You came third.

I've got to say,
that were a lot of fun, lads.

Loved that. Wonderful.

The slope to myself...

What do they call it, off piste?
Can you explain why you came third?

Sorry? Can you explain
why you came third?

Are you still talking
about the race? Yes. Yes.

I've forgot about that now cos...

When you win, you ceaselessly
go on about it for hours...

No, I did, I did win.
..and then when you lose,

it's just about having fun, is it?
No, no, I won,

and then you went in front of me...

You won?
..and then he went in front of me.

Stop your bickering for a second.
I don't know what you're on about.

Stop cos I think in this scenario,
there's actually no winners.

These cars have got to go back
to the airport and pay excess.

Look at yours. Look at it.

Flintoff was, of course,
absolutely right.

Because let's face it,
we could probably have agreed

his 4x4 off-roader was
the best rental for winter

without crashing all three of them
down a ski slope.

And as we made our way back
to the airport

to drop off
what was now left of them,

rental return anxiety
had fully taken hold.

I feel terrible.

It's like when I was younger
and you have a party at your house.

You know, your parents are away,
you have your mates over

and someone always breaks something

and you have to explain it after
and you feel so guilty -

that's how I feel now.

If I'm honest with you,

I've never handed a car back
in this condition before,

and I'm in a much better situation
than those two.

They don't look good
in the rear-view mirror.

They look like they've just done
the Dakar Rally.

The brakes have gone,
the front-end's hanging off,

I've lost a panel from the side,
the backend's dented.

This car has taken
an absolute battering.

Looks good that side.

Other side's knackered.

I don't know what I'm going to say
to the bloke.

I mean, I don't think he's ever had
blokes returning cars saying,

"Ooh, sorry, I was doing
some slalom skiing in it."

I think in this case, Paddy,

the truth might not be
the best policy.

Well, it was time to find out
because all too soon...

AWKWARDLY: Hello. Ha-ha-ha.

..we limped up to the airport.

Oh, here we go.

Is he there? Not seen him.

Oh, here he comes. Oh, geez.

I can't even hide that, can I?

What did you do?

Erm...

Can I just point out a couple
of positives?

Wasn't me, that. Yeah?

You just come round here.

We've retrofitted a roll bar
on there.

Does the roof still work? Oh, hey...

Does the roof still work?

Let me just...

That...

He's picked on one of the things
that DOES work.

I don't know if you know much
about the Ford Focus CC,

it does take a while to come up,

that's nothing to do
with the damage.

It's just the design of the thing.

Smooth as silk.

Look at that.

It's impressive that, Padd.

That's...
He's made it look a bit better

cos it wasn't a good-looking car
from the front, was it?

No, no, that's the wrong... Sh.

Your one's just this?

Go on. Mate, the back as well,
if I'm being honest.

Bit round here.

And the yellow one?

I think you caught that
with your leg

cos that was fine when I came in.
He's winding him up.

Chris, will you stop it?

Can I just say,

your eyes are piercing
in this light.

Beautiful. Beautiful. Lovely eyes.

Yeah.

Lovely eyes.

Um...

We all declined the full insurance
as well, yes?

Well, I tried to take it,

but Paddy declined it on my behalf.
Excuse... I did.

He said, "Do you want insurance?"
I said, "Yeah." You go, "No, no."

I didn't think we were water-skiing.

I didn't think we'd be skiing.

I didn't think we'd be
doing anything.

Oh. That was him, that. Oh, whoa.
That was you.

That was you. That's out of order.

That's not how you treat a vehicle,
is it?

Anyhow, one of us has left
a Coutts card,

put it on that.

That's you, Harris -
that's your card, isn't it?

All of them, yeah. Cheers, Chris.
Thanks, mate. Sorry.

I'll sort it out with you after,
send you the invoice.

Oi! I'm not...
I'm not paying for that.

What? What?
I'm not... You've wrecked my car.

He won't even notice it
out of a Coutts account.

I didn't cause any damage
to that car...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ooh.

HORNS HONK

It wasn't our finest moment,
was it, boys?

They're beeping over there.
I feel quite bad.

I hate damaging cars, but at least
mine wasn't as bad as yours.

It was an absolute mess -
big repair job there, Patrick.

Well, you say that.

Not as expensive
as what you thought, erm...

..cos they scrapped it.

LAUGHTER

But on the plus side,
it's now a lovely coffee table.

So the moral is -
do be gentle, it's a rental.

Correct, Fred.

And that's all for tonight.

We'll see you next week
when we take a Bentley, a McLaren,

and an Aston Martin on a road trip
to beautiful Wales.

Thanks for watching, goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE