Top Gear (2002–…): Season 29, Episode 2 - Episode #29.2 - full transcript

Hello, welcome to Top Gear.

Yes, we're still out on the runway
with our Covid-compliant,

socially distanced
classic driving show.

I've got to tell you, there's
a white Transit van at the back

there with the windows steamed up -
he's started early!

But as long as he's in the same
bubble, why not? Go for it.

Have a bit of fun.

Knock yourself out.

Talking of steamed up,
Chris Harris, look at this,

no wonder you're excited,
this is a car spotter's paradise.

This is my happy place.
Look at the tackle on offer here.



XTS Convertible. Fantastic.

Look at this here -

a Rosso Dino 308.

BMW Z1... Chris, Chris,
we don't have time for this.

The 550's got a burgundy interior!

Quiet, because we've got
a packed show, folks.

Later on we're going to be
taking on a massive wall of death.

What were we even thinking?

Never mind that, cos also tonight,
there's a massive crash.

The best news is - it's not me!

Get in! Get it!

We'll move on, because we need to
talk about cars that do 200mph.

Isn't that right, Christopher?
That's right, Patrick.

See, it wasn't so long ago
that 200mph in a road car seemed



unreachable,
beyond the limits of physics.

But then 30 years ago, a bunch
of supercars rocked up that

not only smashed passed 200,
but looked awesome doing it.

So to celebrate the coolest
supercar era of them all,

the producers told us to
pick our favourite 200mph pioneer

and head to the glorious north.

If you're talking 200mph
pioneers, frankly,

there's only one choice.

The original, the greatest,

I give you the Ferrari F40.

Oh, I haven't driven one of these
for a while.

Introduced in 1987,

the F40 was the final car to be
overseen by the big man himself...

..Enzo Ferrari...

..who was, above all else,
a man of ambition.

You see, the race to 200mph
for a road-legal car in the '80s

was a bit like
the space race in the '60s -

massive budgets, genius engineers,

all to be the first
to make that claim.

And the F40 was the first
road car to get there.

This is the Apollo 11 of supercars.

This is the giant leap for car-kind.

But the real genius behind the F40

is that in building his rocket ship,

Enzo kept things...

..beautifully simple.

Ferrari could have
gone down a technology route,

but instead it just made a
very light, tubular steel chassis,

added some Kevlar bodywork

and then added a
huge amount of power -

478hp, from a
twin turbo-charged V8.

It's just a massive go-kart.

It's light, it's immediate,

there's no power assistance
to anything.

The pedals take a massive push,

the steering takes a heave,

the gear shift, well, you have
to nudge it from your shoulder.

It's just brutal, but sublime!

This isn't just
the greatest 200mph car,

this is the greatest road car ever.

For me, there's no debate.

No debate. It's the greatest.

It's a good effort, but wrong.

If you want THE classic
200mph supercar,

everyone knows you've
got to buy British,

or at least borrow British.

I give you the Jaguar XJ220.

Oh, my word!

It doesn't get much better
than this.

The mightiest road-going Jag
ever made

first landed as a concept in 1988.

And it was spectacular.

I remember seeing this car
for the first time as a kid,

I'd have been, like,
11, 12 years of age.

It just looked like something
I'd never seen before.

And now here I am driving one.

The first thing you need to
know about the 220,

though, is that to a lot of people
it's considered a bit of a failure.

That's because Jaguar,
they promised a V12,

they promised scissor doors,
they promised four-wheel drive.

But when they came to make it,
they discovered that all that was,

well, a bit complicated,

and a bit expensive.

So it ended up two-wheel drive,
normal doors,

and the engine from a V6 Metro.

But disappointing
though that may sound,

the XJ220 still had
a top speed of 217 mph.

Compared to the F40,
it was in another league.

I think that is genius. I think that
is the best of British ingenuity.

"We'll make do with what we've got.
Stick it in there."

It still goes 217 mph -
that is not a failure.

And besides, just have a look at it.

Just look at it!

Don't be fooled by
that face, though...

..underneath it's a wild animal.

Oh!

The strangest thing about
this car is you're driving it,

and nothing's happening. Nothing.

And then all at once,
the turbos kick in.

It's like a Tarantino movie -
everything just happens!

Oh, my word! I'm tense. I'm tense.

What is the...?

Good morning, Chris.

What are you in, Fred? XJ220?

Congratulations,
that is you in car form -

big, British,
not as fast as claimed.

Chris, it did 217mph, this car.

You can't have a go at it.

And they called it the XJ220,
and it only did 217?

They called the Ferrari
the 812 Superfast,

it doesn't go 812mph.

But it's superfast.

Buongiorno!

Dearie me, Fred. Dearie me.

How's about that, boys?

Where's your sense of patriotism?

Ignore those two squares.

I like my 200mph supercars
a bit more unhinged.

Man, this car!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Lamborghini Diablo.

I mean, supercars are supposed to be
a little bit mad, aren't they?

They're supposed to be bonkers.

And the Diablo
is definitely bonkers.

I mean, look at it,
the seat belts go the wrong way,

the dash looks like
it's off a lorry.

The stalks are from a Morris Marina.

It's bonkers, but what it does have
is that great big, stonking, lovely

V12 right behind you

that will get you to
70mph in first gear.

First gear.

Listen to her!

Come on!

Work your way up the gearbox,

and the 485hp Diablo
would top out at 202mph.

Ohh!

It scares me, this car as well.
I like that.

There's no power steering,
no traction control, nothing.

Nothing that's in a modern car
that makes you feel comfortable.

It's just pure driving ability.
I love it.

Oh!

Now, we'd been told to head to
a nearby airfield for the chance

to put our cars through their paces.

However, first, that did
of course mean...

..reaching it.

Woohoo!

Oh-ho!

Hoo-hoo!

Whoa!

So, while McGuinness had made
an unscheduled stop,

we arrived at the airfield
where all we could do was wait.

Do you know, on an F40 the paint
is so thin

that you can see the Kevlar
weave through it? It's amazing.

Yeah? All the way through here

you can just see the weave
of the Kevlar.

In fact, one of the ways to spot...

Oh, my God.

Paddy...

You all right? Neck all right?
Head all right?

Gutted.

Talk us through what you did.
What did you hit?

It must have been a little bit
of oil on the road or something...

Yeah, yeah, cos I've been driving
up and down that road all day
and that oil really got me.

You hadn't been on that spot
in the torrential rain, had you?

Did you hit that oil as well?

Yeah, I must admit, I just
backed off a bit in that
torrential rain. Yeah.

It was just on a little bit
of a bend, that was it.

No more than 40.

But it really surprised me
how quickly it just goes from...

.."Isn't this lovely?" to...

It is amazing how quickly
you can run out of talent.

Tsch.

Ambition's a great thing, Chris.

But you've got to temper it.

Anyhoo, what can you do?

I'm having a butty.

The Diablo had shown
just what a handful

a 30-year-old supercar can be.

And it had paid the price doing it.

However, two of our cars
still had work to do.

Because the airfield we'd come to

was Elvington.

Boasting one of the
longest runways in the UK,

it was time to see what our
old pioneers still had in the tank.

It was time... for a good
old-fashioned drag race.

The race is as follows.

A rolling start, we want to be
kind on these old driveshafts.

So 40mph through the green flags,

the moment you go through the
green flag, you give it the beans

and you stop at the chequered flag.

Can you just confirm you've
heard that instruction?

We've had problems
here with you before.

I can't stop!

Ha-ha-ha!

I'm running out of runway!

I'm not going to lie, Chris, I'm a
bit apprehensive. I'll give it a go.

I mean, you should be quicker.
That is a faster car, Fred.

Hello, boys!

Oh, my word.

What are you doing?

I thought you'd gone home.

You can't keep me out the race, pal.

Green flags are coming, boys!

Here we go, here we go.
I'm nervous, I'm nervous.

Go!

Oh, my word, look at that Ferrari!

They are gone!

Whoo!

130.

140.

There seems to be two dots
in the distance.

What a weapon!

Wow. She's still got it.

She has still got it.

Wow.

Whoo!

What did I do then? 170? 175?

That is speed like I've never
experienced. That was different.

That was so different.

Oh...

..yes!

It's nice to get out.
That's the main thing.

Fred? Chris.

They are a proper handful,
aren't they?

This is moving all over the place.

I got over just 150,

but this car has got
so much more, Chris.

So much more.

I would love to get to 200.

Yeah, I think you're
on your own there, Fred.

If you want to go and seek 200,

I'll happily be an observer.

Yes, deciding fate hadn't been
tempted enough for one day,

Flintoff now wanted to
take a shot at the big one.

All right, how are we going,
Fred? Are you OK?

I'm just turning round
right at the end of the runway.

I'm trying to give myself
so much room.

And make no mistake,

hitting 200mph in a Jag
that's 30 years old

would be a big ask.

Best of luck, Andrew. Thank you
very much. I'll see you in a minute.

I hope.

He's off.

Come on.

He's building. He's building.

He's doing a tonne already!

I'm going. I am travelling.

Oh, he's missed a gear change there,
he won't do 200 now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.

The foot is down.
I don't know how fast I'm going.

I'm not even looking.

160. 170.

I'm trying to keep my hands loose.

But it's becoming
increasingly difficult!

190.

Ohh!

Please stop.

Please stop! Please stop!

Oh, my word.

Oh-ho-ho!

Right, how quick do
you reckon you went?

I think it's the fastest
I've ever been in a car.

I had a glance down at one point,
I was 180, and I was going faster.

I think you did 195, I don't think
it was 200, though. 195?

I think it was 195.
That was a warm up!

That was a warm up.

I think you get straight back in,
get out there.

I've just got to let it
cool down, Pad.

Oh, I tell you what... We've never
seen him like this, ever.

Do you know what,
I'll tell you how that felt, right?

You know when you go out
to bat at cricket? No.

No, I don't. And I'm nervous,
I'm going out, and the closer

I get to the wicket, everything's
coming alive, and I love it.

That was like that times ten.

The faster I was going...

..oh, I was going, I was,

"Come on, come on, come on!"
You feel every mile per hour
in that one.

I tell you, if I trusted you,
I'd give you a go, but I can't.

It's like... Oh, that burns.
Do you know what? That burns!

This is the first time
he's not crashed anything

and look at him,
he's like all the time.

Whoa, whoa, he's still got another
run to go. Oh, yeah, that's true.

I reckon, I think if I go again...
Have a run round.

..I'm going to slingshot it,
cos there's a bit of a run on.

Yeah, I think you'll do it. I reckon
I can get on the runway at 70. Yeah.

So just 5mph short of the big 200,

Flintoff lined up for one more go.

This time,
with an even bigger run up.

I'm still thinking about
this cricket thing he said.

About going out to bat?
Did you feel that? No.

The last time you had a bat you did
an off-licence over. Here we go.

Coming round. Coming round.

Here we go, 70.
As soon as I get straight I'm off.

Am I good to go, Chris?

In your own time.

Godspeed.

Come on.

Good Lord.
Look what it just did 70 to 90 in.

Into fourth. Come on.
Four, four, four.

That was a better gear change,
that was a better gear change.

Yeah, yeah, here we go.

Just got my foot right on the floor.

Go on. He's doing 140, he's not
even in sight and he's doing 140.

I'm a little bit all over the place.
I'm feeling everything.

170. He's going quick.

The car's making noises.

As I'm going fast, I can't push my
foot through any further.

I'm giving it beans.

190.

Going up! Going up!

195...

That was close.

That was so close.
It must have been.

Did I, did I do it? How do you do
a social distancing high five?

Don't wind me up. Did I do it? Yes!

We did it! Yes!

Give me that one. Give me that one.

Oh, I never scored a double
hundred as a batsman!

Can I have it in this though?

What was it like? It's like nothing
else I've ever driven or done.

Do you know what got you over
the 200? Brake late. You brake late.

I did, yeah. You took the mickey.
You ignored the brake boards.

So we've got the health

and safety man over there about to
have a chat with you. No, no, no.
I'll chat to that lad.

Because see, the other thing
I had in my favour...

I know what's at the end.

It's fine. Well done, mate.

I can't believe how happy I am.

What a machine.

200mph in an old Jag.

You, my friend, have got some Scotch
eggs on you. It was surreal.

It was the week
they eased lockdown a bit,

so I went from sitting on me couch
in me undies to driving this 200mph.

It was the best thing I think I've
ever done in a car. Amazing.

But let's be honest,
it's not about me, is it? I...

I feel there was something
missing here.

What? Well... That beautiful
Lamborghini that you crashed.

On a straight. Firstly, I didn't
crash it. What did you do?

What's the definition of a crash,
then? There's an hierarchy.

You can have a bump and a prang
and a crash and a shunt.

Mine was in between a crash
and a shunt. It were a crunt.

You, that's the first time you've
not crashed a car.

Yeah, but I've never crashed
a Lamborghini. And fair play to you.

If you're going to go, go big,
Paddy lad. Go big!

Honestly, I was genuinely gutted.
I am really sorry.

I'm sorry about the car,
I'm sorry to the owner,

he's over there,
I'm sorry to the insurance

company for telling them
that you were driving, Fred.

I'm just sorry, so please,
can we now move on from this?

No, I think we should
carry on talking about you crashing

a Lamborghini and your little face
when you went, "Oh, I crashed it!"

"Oh, it's got some power, this. Oh!"

When you put your foot down.
Shut it.

What are we talking about next?
You're not going to believe this.

Crashed cars is the next subject.
Great. Great.

Because we reckoned we might have
found a way to buy a fast,

interesting car for the price
of a slow, boring car.

Insurance write-offs.

Cars that had been in a bit of a
scrape and the insurers have decided

they won't pay for the repair.

But if you're happy with
a doer upper,

there are some absolute
steals out there.

So we convinced the producers to
give us each six grand

and we went out to bag
ourselves a bargain.

To show off our high-performance
write-offs,

we've been told to meet
up at the Top Gear track.

And let's just say,
for less than six grand,

I'd picked up an absolute belter.

This is my insurance write-off,
the Porsche Cayman S.

This car, this age, this mileage,

you're looking
at around about £10,000.

I got it for five and a half grand.

And this is the trouble with
insurance companies now,

they're quick to write things off.
They can't be bothered with the
paperwork.

But have a look round here.

Little bump on the front,
bit of teacup, buff it out,

it'll be good to go.

Now, technically this car's
a write-off,

so I can't drive
it on the public roads,

but in the right hands with
a bit of TLC, get an MOT on her,

you've got yourself
a Porsche at a bargain price.

Oh!

Who's this?

Now, if you prefer something
Italian...

Maserati?

Quattroporte. Very nice!

The next bargain out
the blocks was Flintoff's.

Turning up backwards,
for some reason.

Now, firstly, I've got to stop you,
because this is a minter.

You have not got this for less than
six grand. These, new, 80 grand.

Yeah.

A good 'un. Yeah. 15 second-hand.

This, my friend,
£5,750 for a Maserati Quattroporte.

It is mint. Beautiful!

There is a little
bit of damage at the front, but...

Little bit at the front. Let's have
a look. Won't really notice it, Pad.

Oh! It's a scratch. Yeah.

Nothing that can't be buffed out.
New bumper, a new bonnet.

A few hundred quid, max.

Got yourself an absolute bargain.

You see, mine's had a bit of a shunt
at the back there, but, again...

You can live with that. You can live
with it. You can, it's a Porsche.

It's a Porsche. Five and a half
grand. For a Cayman S. Cayman S!

Oh! Here he comes.

Morning, boys.

Now, you know I love a Ford,
but I've got to say, this particular

challenge, I think a Porsche and a
Maserati is a much better choice.

Gen one Focus RS is
one of the most special low-volume

sports cars ever made. Should be
15 grand. Yeah? Five grand.

And I've saved a classic from the
scrapheap. But... It looks mint.

There's a couple of scratches on it.
What's wrong with it? There.

Is that it? The front wing. A little
bit of suspension. And that wheel.

That's it. That's it?! Yes.

Let's have a look at yours,
boys. Yeah, look at that!

Look at this, special, Cayman S.

Little bit
of a nick on the front there.

Oh, God.

A little bit of a nick? It's a
graze. A rash, they call it. A rash.

Gravel rash. Gravel rash.
You've had a go at this end as well?

Well, technically not me.
I bought it in this condition.

So, how are you going to repair
that? The parts are so expensive.

It's just unrepairable, that.

Let's have a look at this one.
This looks mint. What's this, Fred?

Quattroporte? Quattroporte!

They are beautiful cars.
One of the best-looking saloons

ever made. Where's the damage?
It looks pretty good to me.
You have to look hard to find it.

Oh!

Yeah, but... A few hundred quid,
get a bumper, new grille.

How many Quattroportes did
they sell in the UK, Fred?

Are you expecting an answer? I think
you can count them on two hands.

What's with the negativity? I'm not
being negative, I'm being pragmatic.

Yeah, you are. No... Mr Nasty
Negative. You've gone out there...

We've got a Maserati
and a Porsche for under ten grand!

Fill your glass up.

You've bought an absolutely
shambolic Cayman,

and you've bought a car that you
intend to fit with used parts,

of which there might be one other
that you can strip from in the UK.

I've got to be honest, I think...
Hello. Thank you.

"Time to test how confident you are
in your so-called bargain fast cars.

"Using the whole runway,
please find out how fast they'll go.

"If you go off the tarmac,
you're out." Oh.

That Porsche is going to win
hands down on this tarmac.

I don't understand what you're
saying. Did you say hands down?

Hold that. Sorry.
In the cars, here we go.

Yes, to test how mechanically
sound our so-called write-offs were,

we've been given the entire
length of the runway

and a fancy GPS speedo to find out
which would go fastest.

Or, to put it another way, see what
order the other two would lose.

Three...

two...

one...

Go!

The Maserati's away!

Oh! Look at the Maserati go!

But the Cayman's coming back!

Here we go!

Oh, here comes the Porsche.

Already up to 120.

Can't even see Harris,
he's that far back.

Come on, the Ford!

We are living the dream now!

This is fast, and oh!

Going to crash!

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

McGuinness is off!
McGuinness is off!

All right, Pad?

I think I've overshot.

So, 141.6.

Fast.

135.8. But died.

What did you get, about 62?

125 and I didn't do
the decimal point,

cos there was no point,
cos I was below you.

Wow. But I still won, because
I didn't go on the grass. I mean...

What?

What are you on about?
The challenge was top speed. No.

It was and it wasn't, wasn't it?
Did you not remember the words?

Well, I read them. You had to stay
on the runway.

This is not part of the
runway, therefore I won.

Do you know what? What? You're
right. I know. And I read it. Oh!

Thank you.

More than two thirds of UK cars
have been damaged in car parks.

To see how your write-offs handle
this dangerous environment,

time for a round of
Parking Space Musical Chairs.

Yes, to test our car's
low-speed agility...

..we'd now play a four-wheeled
version of one of the all-time

great children's party games.

Parking Space Musical Chairs
takes one busy car park,

one space fewer than
the number of cars playing

and a big air horn to start
and stop play.

As you'd expect, if you dash for
a space and don't find one,

you're out of the game.

I'm not sure about this, boys.

I know this Focus RS has been
written off,

but I get the feeling there
might be some contact

and I don't want contact
in this Focus RS.

Worryingly, though,
to ramp up the competition,

it wouldn't just be us racing for
the spaces - we'd be up against

a trio of Toyota Priuses, officially
Britain's most crashed car.

Oh! There they are. Ho-ho!
It's the Prius army.

All of them driven by Britain's
most reckless drivers -

Stig's teenage cousins.

Chris, I've just
thought of something.

If you get in the car with me, I can
use the parent and child spot.

See a gap, see a parking spot,
get in it, that's it.

We're off. Come on!

Oh, he's banging me already,
the Stig.

Oh! I don't know what to do,
whether to go slow... Hey!

Get out the way, Paddy.

What's the strategy?
What's the strategy here?

Chris!

Take your time, take your time.

Oh, I've got to get round quick now!

Take my time again,
take my time again.

Where's the klaxon? Where's
the klaxon? I'm getting tense!

I'm in!

Oh, I'm in! I'm in!

Get in here. Get in.
I'm in. Yes! It's a better spot.

Are we all in, gents?
Never in doubt.

So, first round over
and a Prius eliminated...

..one space would now be filled
ready for round two.

Five cars, four spaces.

Don't know about you,
but I'm nervous, I'm anxious.

Paddy, do you need someone to
explain that math to you?

Here we go again.

Hey!

You little BLEEP.

Get out my way.
Where are you going?

You can go ahead, mate.
Try and block me all you want.

Oh, Flintoff's here in that
bloody Maserati. McGuinness.

Get out. What is he doing?!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Ha-ha, McGuinness!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Go on, go on, go on.
Same spot. Get in!

Is there one there? Oh, BLEEP.

Oh, no! I'm out!

To be honest, I'm glad. I'm glad.

I can keep the damage to a minimum.

Me and Harris were pretty pleased
too. McGuinness was out...

Next up was round three...

Come on, come on.

..and let's just say
we sailed through that...

Oh!

..without a hitch.

Bloody Prius!

What a dick.

Heading into round four...
Where's Flintoff?

..there was now just one
Prius left standing between us

and a showdown.

Oh, he's going
to put me in the bollards here.

Flintoff's off again.
Flintoff's off again.

Oh, there's...
Harris has lucked out again here.

We're in. Ha-ha!

Where's the spot? Where is it?

Oh, I'm in! I'm bloody in.

Oh, Stig's out. Stig's out.
There you are, Stig.

BBC One.

This was it, then.

Car Park Musical Chairs - The Final.

And then there was two...

..and one space.

You and me, Fred, it's you and me.

I'm willing to take this quite far,

but if it gets to a critical
situation, I'm bailing.

Here we go!

Where is he?

Ah, he's creeping. He's creeping.

Come on, Chris, where are you?

Come on, Chris.

Oh, no, it's a disaster!

Oh, dear, that's not good.

See, Harris won't nudge Flintoff,

and he knows Flintoff will
completely wipe him out.

Now come and get me, Flintoff.

Flintoff! No! Oh!

Sorry! It's not really worked out,
that. Oh, he's round.

He's coming round, Fred,
and he's angry.

It's on, boys! Come on, get round!

No! Oh, Flintoff's gone too wide!
Harris is in!

No!

They're round again.

Oh, he's off! He's off!

Oh!

Where is it?

Ooft!

Where's Harris? Where's Harris?

That was yours, Chris.

If you'd have gone back round,
it was yours.

I was just trying to breathe.

Oh, right, yeah,
that's always a good thing.

It's kind of a win.

If the cars...

I just don't know
what to say to you.

If these cars...

Fred, look at that.
Yeah. Chris, I'm sorry.

It brings out the best
in me, competition,

but it can bring out
the worst. Yeah.

If these cars weren't
write-offs before, they are now.

But they weren't dead yet,

because to see if our write-offs
really were worth saving

from the scrapheap, the producers
told us to use whatever we had left

from our six-grand budget to get
them fixed up and back on the road.

So, a few months, a global pandemic

and one bottle of hair bleach later,

we were back in business.

Or at least two of us were.

This is the life.

Out on the open road

in my Porsche, living the dream.

I mean, this thing has cost me six
grand all in - an absolute bargain.

Paddy, what exactly have you done?

Now, yes, I've had to beg, borrow
and steal with the spares

because obviously I didn't have

the budget, but I quite like
the different colours.

It's a patchwork quilt of a car and
who doesn't like a patchwork quilt?

Why have you
gone for pink at the rear?

It's better than brown!

That car looks
good as new you're driving.

Mate, it is a honey and, of course,
being a Ford, parts

prices are cheap as chips,
which was necessary

because Flintoff dented every single
panel apart from the roof.

So, I've got an absolutely
mint-looking Ford Focus RS -

one of my favourite cars ever -
for £6,000.

For once, we are
onto something with these things.

We are definitely onto something.

Write-offs are actually right-on.

But, in the spirit of fairness,
to fix up my battered Ford,

Flintoff had also given up
the rest of his six-grand budget.

So, the question now was -

what had become of his Maserati?

Oh, my God.

Morning, boys!

May I introduce you to
the Mad MAXERATI? Very nice!

I couldn't afford any new stuff,

so I thought, rather than have the
new bits, get rid of the old ones.

I've taken everything out
that's unnecessary

and created an absolute monster.
Look at it.

Fred, I don't often say this,

but you have absolutely
knocked it out of the park.

It looks fantastic. I love it.

I've got to say as well, Chris,

seeing your car back to its former
glory has made me just as happy.

I apologise profusely. I really do.

And the other thing about it, Pad,
now it's lighter it's faster.

See you later, son!

Ho-ho-ho! Yes!

Now, having proven once
and for all the sheer

genius of the high-performance
write-off, the sensible thing to do

would have been to take them
for a nice, long, scenic drive.

Lovely stuff.

What we were actually told to do,

though, was head to North London's
Alexandra Palace for a test.

Hay, lads,
this is the old Ally Pally.

Please, please tell me, Paddy,
you're taking us to the darts.

I love it.

But whatever it was the producers
had in store,

it definitely wasn't darts.

Oh, oh, what is going on in here?

What the hell is that?

I don't know, but it looks like
it could probably hurt.

Challenge. There's a challenge
over there.

Right...

Let's see what they've got for us.

You've brought your insurance
write-offs back from the dead.

Now it's time for them
to face the ultimate test.

You must all hit 50mph around
the Top Gear Wall Of Death.

So, that's what it is.

Yes, the Wall Of Death.

The legendary daredevil act
that, for over a century, has seen

motorcycle riders pin themselves
to a vertical wall,

relying on nothing but skill,

bravery and physics
to keep them there.

The walls themselves are normally
just a few metres wide,

but scaled up to cope with our cars

this one was an absolute monster.

Oh! Not on your nelly.

Not on your nelly.

What?!

160 tonnes of wood
and steel built 100 feet wide

and as tall as a house.

And, just like any wall of death,
at the top, still completely

and utterly vertical.

This is brilliantly stupid. The
headlines are going to be brilliant.

This is just brilliant.
I tell you what, Pad, this is...

They've gone all out for BBC One,
haven't they? Yeah.

They've gone, "How can we get the
ratings? We'll kill them all." Yeah.

To at least try and stop this
from being the last thing

we'd ever do, the producers had been
good enough to enlist some help.

Guiding us up the wall would be
the world's leading wall of death

rider, Ken Fox.

Right...

you're going to start off round
the bottom at what

we call the banking track
and learning how the vehicle steers.

I know you're used to
driving those vehicles

but they steer different there -

the steering changes a little
bit and becomes a bit more lively.

Then we go a little bit higher
and it will feel like you're

doing a million miles an hour
and it will be 20mph

and then we just gradually keep
building up and building up

until you're up there and you don't
know how it happened -

you're just up there.

OK. So, Ken, what can possibly go
wrong here? What are we looking at?

Well, the last crash I had
I was airlifted to hospital.

I ripped my ear off, they had to
glue my ear back on,

did some ribs in my chest,

bashed my brains about.

You know when it's in your blood,
it's what you do and... Right, OK.

..you just do it. No, Ken, no, Ken.

No, Ken. No, Ken. Both my sons...

You don't have any blood.
It's all on the thing.

It's what we do. We enjoy doing it.

When you've accomplished this, you
will feel taller. Yeah?

I feel better with Ken.

You know, I know he's told us a few
bad things there... He's calm,

isn't he? He's very calming. I think
we need to do something, Ken.

Let's get something inside. Let's do
it. Let's get on with it.

Our training will begin in this.

The can-am Maverick XRS.

With almost 200 horsepower

and weighing in at just 750 kilos,
it's fair to say

getting up the wall in this would
be much easier than in our cars.

All right, my mate? Yeah.

What it was, though, was the perfect
vehicle for Ken to give

us our first taste of the vertical.

Here he goes.

What the BLEEP?

Oh! Whoa!

Oh, go on, Paddy, lad!

You all right, Paddy?

Jesus Christ! Is it good?

To keep our cars on the wall...

Hells bells! This is so good.

..we'd be pulling almost 4G.

Fred will be going now, "Faster!"

Every part of our write-offs would
have to withstand

four times its normal load.

Wow. I'm getting dizzy again.
You can't watch it round, can you?

Getting dizzy again.

And, at the risk of blacking out
the longer we ran, we'd have to

fight to stay in control.

I tell you something,

if I'd have heard that noise first,
I wouldn't have wanted to get in.

It's a bit unsettling, isn't it?

I've not said a word there.

I had to hold my breath and pump
a bit cos I started to go.

Did you? Yeah. All good, Chris?

That's interesting. What?

How are we going to do that?
No idea.

How are you going to drive
a Porsche Cayman round there?

Not a clue.

We'd had our first taste of the wall

and the forces we'd have to
endure to stay vertical.

Next, we'd do it again.

This time in the driver's seat.

You good? Good.

And as McGuinness got stuck into his
training session... That's weird!

That's good. That's good, mate.
That's excellent.

..it turned out that driving around
in circles...

And faster, please.

..is not as straightforward
as it looks.

Faster! Come on.

Keep going. Keep going!

Oh! Hold it there, hold it there,
just hold it there.

Now he's got the wobble on.
Hold it there.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Higher.

Higher.

Yes, stay there, stay there,
stay there.

OK, come in.

Come in, come in.

Come in, come in.

Come in, come in.

Well, it wasn't pretty but he's done
it. He got up. Well done, Paddy.

Well done, Pad.

I won't lie to you, I nearly blacked
out, but it's all right.

With McGuinness just about getting
it, next it was my turn.

Perfect, perfect, perfect.
Very good.

And getting up and running,
I soon discovered that the real

challenge of the wall is keeping
your speed and line as smooth

as possible as you step
up to the next level.

Stay there, stay there, stay there.

That's it, that's it.

Stay there. Brilliant, well done.

He's on it. He's on it. He's up.

He's on it. Come in, mate. Come in.

Get in there!

Absolutely spot-on,
young man. Get in!

Fair play to Harris,
he'd shown how it's done.

But it turns out there is another
technique for tackling the wall.

I like to call it The Flintoff.

Where you place your right
foot on the accelerator...

He's going very fast.

..and smash it into the floor.

How fast is he going?

That's it. Stay there. Stay there.

I'm on the wall!

OK, come in, come in, come in now.

How fast was he going?
He put his foot down then.

How fast was he going? Jesus, Ken.

Did I get up?

Just. Just. We couldn't
spin our heads round quick enough.

Come on, then, Ken,
how have we done, the three of us?

All three of you,
you've done good in the toy.

Now we go
and get the real motors in.

So, who's going to
go in the cars first?

Go on, then, I'll give the Porsche
a whirl. All right, Paddy. Yeah.

Go and get the motor ready.

This was it, then.

Time to put our six grand
back-from-the-dead write-offs

into the biggest
test they'd ever face.

We'd each get one
shot at the wall in our cars

and to succeed, we'd have to keep
all four wheels on the vertical

whilst clocking at least 50mph.

Suffice to say, the pressure was on.

I have never felt as nervous and
as scared about anything in my life.

This is... This is real.

OK, Paddy, my friend,
let's get going.

Here we go, he's off. Come on, Pad.

OK, this is the weirdest thing ever,
this. Come on, Pad. Come on, Paddy.

Faster.

Oh, God. Higher.
I'm really sweating.

He's going up the wall.

Faster, faster.

Higher.

This does not feel good.

Wow! He's going faster.

Faster.

Faster.

He's up.

Higher.

Just up, just.

Look at the speed.
Look at the speed.

Yes!

You're doing 55.

Bumper's off. He's done it.

Well done, Paddy!

55.

Totally happy with that.

Oh, my word. He's broken
the suspension. Well done, Paddy!

Paddy, get out and have a look
at your left rear wheel. Paddy!

Look at that wheel.

Dear me!

Yes! Did he really do that?

Oh! Who's up next, boys?

Chris Harris, come on down.

Come on, Chris!

McGuinness had done it.
The Cayman had just held on.

And now it was over to Harris.

Here we go, driving a Focus
up a wall.

OK, Chris, off you go.

I suddenly feel quite nervous.

Straight up. Straight away.
Whoa, that is mad.

OK, I feel stable.
And it feels bigger.

I haven't got as much
margin between the boards. Faster.

Faster.

Higher.

Oh! Oh!

He's on! He's up!
Come on, Chris! Go on, Harris!

The front's going to come off.

Go on. Oh, nearly there!
Come on, come on!

Something's come off.

Go on, Chris! Yes!

Has the tyre gone? That's sketchy.
What's happened?

What's the noise for?
Something's come off.

There's a bit of car...

Nice and steady and stop, mate.
Well done, 54.85.

That will do me perfectly.

Well done, Chris! Yes, Harris!

I know, we saw that come off. What's
that? I don't know! Don't know!

Fantastic, pal.

Now, I will never, ever,
ever do the Wall Of Death again.

Oh, you say that, you say that.

Right, Flintoff, come on.

Go on, Fred. Finish the job.

Two down,

one to go,

but the wall had already badly
damaged the two smaller, lighter

cars and Flintoff's Maserati was

the biggest and heaviest of the lot.

I think he has the worst
vehicle for this by a mile.

I'm worried about what it's
going to do on the top

banking at sustained speed.

I mean, I've got everything crossed
nothing goes wrong with it

but it's just not a good look.

Ready, Freddie? Good, mate. Right,
OK, off you go, my man. Here we go.

We're off. Go on, Fred!

This is it.
The final run of the day.

I tell you what, it's a completely
different experience.

Already looks heavy.

It looks outrageous from here.

He's going for it.

Mate.

Faster.

I can feel the weight of the car.

It just wants to come down the wall.

It's completely
different to the buggy.

Higher.

Faster.
That's what we're asking for.

Higher.

Higher.

Higher.

Oh, my God.

Feel the wind!

Oh!

56.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come in, come in.

Come in now.

Something's happened.
Something's happened.

Something's happened. I'm on
fire. What's happened? Just stop.

Just stop at that. What's happened?
Just stop, just stop. What is it?

Don't know.

Oh! That was unbelievable.

Did I get up?

Fred, when the smoke came out,

me and him were up here and we were
like, "Get off that wall."

That was properly dramatic.

Did I get up? Did I get up, though?

I'm sure he was on the wall.

I can't. No.

I've watched the footage back
and yeah,

I got 50 but I didn't have all four
wheels on the vertical. No.

I'm the last of a dying breed -

I'm an honest sportsman,
so I've got to hold my hands up.

That is very, very honest.
I give you that. I give you that.

I could make excuses -

I had the heaviest car by far,
my suspension went

so I couldn't steer, you two had
damaged the wall before we started -

but that's just not how
I operate. I don't do that.

I don't make excuses.

No, and Pad, fair play to you, mate,
fastest speed on the wall.

That takes some skill.
It really does.

I don't like to talk about it,
Chris. No, of course you don't.

It's a collective effort, lads.
There's no "I" in "team"

but there is an "all" in "wall".

Oh, yes! Have some of that!

Hadrian, Berlin, hole-in-the,
eat your heart out,

there's a new wall in town.

McGuinness's Wall Of Death,
everybody!

No, don't encourage him.

It doesn't make up for the fact that
you crashed a classic Lamborghini.

Oh, are you still
going on about that?

Well, it just goes to
show about life's ups and downs.

You know, I can drive
an old Jag 200mph

but I couldn't get up the wall.

Paddy, you were the fastest
on the wall but you destroyed

an iconic supercar. Chris, you don't
do anything of note really, do you?

But that's important too.
The world needs mediocrity.

You're a plodder. Wait there.

You crashed a Lamborghini,

you couldn't get it up. OK?

And that's all for tonight.
We should definitely leave it there.

Join us next week

when we head off on a rental car
road trip around Cyprus.

See you then! Goodnight!