Top Gear (2002–…): Season 27, Episode 3 - Episode #27.3 - full transcript

Chris, Freddie and Paddy set out to turn an old hearse into the ultimate family car. On the track, Chris gets to grips with the lightweight Dallara Stradale, while Zara and Mike Tindall go head to head in the Reasonably Fast Car.


APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you,

thank you so much.

Hello and welcome to Top Gear.

And tonight it's the show
where Freddie nearly kills

all three of us.

Paddy, it was a little crash.

And, besides, it was your daft
idea in the first place.

Lurch does make a valid point here.
Lurch?!

He does, OK?
You've only got yourself to blame.

It wasn't a daft idea.
It was a genius idea.

I reckoned I could find the ultimate
second-hand family car on the cheap

and then I went out
and bought myself one.

Families of Great Britain,
you can thank me later.

Makes you feel alive
driving a car like this.

Fred will love it for the space and
Chris just for the drive quality.

Whatever it is, it better be good.

Oh. My. God.

HORN TOOTS
Hey!

What are you doing?
What's wrong with you?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?
The ultimate family car, my friends.

1,300 quid for a Daimler -
posh and cheap, a bit like you two.

"Family"? Yeah!

What, Addams Family?

1,300 quid for a Daimler, lads.

And your idea is that this
is family transport? Absolutely.

A hearse? Yeah.

So, you'd put your kids
in the back of that?

Look at the room.
It's not a case of room.

Of course it is. That's what all
family cars are about - space,

getting things in the back,
in and out easy,

comfortable to drive, beautiful.

Death! Yeah.
I've got something for you.

Oh, there she is. Have a look
under there, Christopher.

Hey! Now, look at his little face!

Is that a 3.2 or a 4 litre?

Four litre. Is it? Straight six.
The big donkey.

Look at him.
Look, he's changing already.

Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, can
I stop you? Don't humour him.

Look at you, he's getting into it.
I knew he'd like that.

Here, Fred.

Have a look at that.

Eh?

Yeah?

Shopping. Get yourself in here.

What are you, seven foot?

Look at that, easy. Look at that!
Where's he gone? Where's he gone?

He's in there. Look at the storage.

Why are you in there?
That's where dead people go!

Look at that. How's that for you?

Yeah, room for all the cricket
bags in for the kids.

Are you claustropho...? It doesn't
matter. Don't worry about it,

he's all right. In fact,
listen to that now.
BANGING

Oh, he's freaking out.
You're coming out.

He's freaking out.
He's freaking out.

Are you all right, son?
It stinks in here, by the way.

It stinks!

Yeah, let's get him out.

Here you are. Now, look at that.

Don't forget me, Chris, I can't...

I don't want to end up in the back
for real, do I? Eh?

Bloody hell!

Get in, I'll take you out for
a drive. I'll change your mind.

It just smells of death.

Forget that.

I'll get a magic tree from
a petrol station or something.

Prepare to be impressed.

It's wet down here, Paddy.
Why is it wet down there?

You don't want to know what that is.
Tears. Tears!

Here we go, boys.

Straight six engine,
silky smooth,

240bhp.

I can see some of the appeal
of the six-cylinder engine.

I like the Daimler name.

Also, I love the XJ40 dashboard.

I mean, that was space age.

This is the classic Jaguar
J-Gate from the mid '90s,

so, what you do, these
are your normal driving modes

and you go across
to the sport mode.

Now you can select gears manually.
Lovely.

But how many miles has she done?

140,000.

That's a lot.
It is a lot in a normal car.

Yeah.
But that's 140,000 death miles.

Death miles?
And that's meant to sell it?

That's meant to sell it to me?
Death miles?

The most gentlest, lovely,
respectful miles you can have.

This car's never been pushed.
Paddy, what are those down there?

They don't look normal.

Now, I'm so glad you've asked that.

You've gone to
the supermarket, right?

You've got your Viennettas
and your lollies in the back.

You get home to the kids,
they're excited - it's all melted.

This, in the back, pull them out...

..cooling system in the back,
air con.

Keeps everything cold.

Why is there a cooling...?

Oh, my...

Clearly, the hearse
was something special.

I wouldn't want to be
seen dead in this car.

And to find out just how special,
we've been told to head to the track

for a chance to show
what the ultimate family car

could really do.

Eurgh! There's a comb!

Yeah, that's mine.

That's why it's falling out.
That's why.

That's mine.

Have you seen the mung on that?
Look at that.

Oh, no, that isn't mine.
That isn't...

No! Get off! Oh, no!

Eyes on the road! No!

As I was saying, we'd been told
to head to the track for the chance

to show what the ultimate
family car can really do.

That is just a lot of vanilla.

Eyes right, boys. Eyes right.

All right?

"Time to test your hearse
against some actual family cars.

"These, according to What Car?
magazine, are the finest

"on the market today."

That's a joke in itself.

"You will now take them on
in the Last Space Race."

Oh, yes.

Recreating a battle played out
a thousand times a day

in every supermarket car park
across the land...

..this would be a drag race
to the last three parking spaces.

But first...

..me and Harris had to choose
our own family car

to take on the hearse.

Now, I've decided that I'm going
to go for the one that looks slow

but is, in fact, I think, the
quickest - the VW Touran.

Whoa! Choose your own.

I'm going to beat you
in the Kia Sportage.

As long as one of us
beats the hearse.

Not one of us - both of us, Chris.

Eh?

Lads, I don't want to put you off,
but in the car next to me

is Damon Hill.

Hey, Freddie, I think Damon's

won a Sports Personality
Of The Year as well.

It's not something I like to bang on
about, Paddy, to be honest.

To be fair, Damon's
won it twice, though.

So, effectively, you're not even
the most popular sportsman

in a family-car drag race.

Have a bit of that, Damon.
Have a bit of that.

Flick it into sport mode.

Never mind Damon Hill.
Put him out of your mind.

It's all about the hearse.
Beat the hearse.

Drop that flag, sunshine.

Come on...

Ooh, straight off the line!

Fastest off the line.

It's nothing, this car.
It's nothing.

It's a good start for Damon.
He's off.

It's a good start, but I've got him.
I've got him.

Oh, my God, look at the hearse.

Come on, Daimler!

I'm at the back.
No, come on, move!

Look at the hearse!
Look at the hearse!

Look at the hearse!

Undertaker doing
a bit of overtaking.

Oh, not Paddy McGuinness.
Not in the hearse.

Right, three spaces.

I'm definitely second or third.

I'm going for that left spot.
Got to go for that left spot.

You little swine! Yes.

Oh, my God, it's not stopping.
Oh, my God, it's not stopping!

Ooh.

PADDY LAUGHS

I have just beat Damon Hill

in a drag race in a hearse.

Don't, don't, don't.

Oh, Little and Large,
glad you could make it.

Basically what's happened while you
were pootling down there

is we've just had a race. It's not
whether you win, it's how you win.

How much is your motor?

What would you say? New.

Oh, 27,500, 33,000 as tested.

£1,300.

Yes. It's just beat you.

It's a Daimler.

It's edging its way up to being
the ultimate family car, boys.

It's not! Why is a family car the
car that is fastest in a drag race?

Well... It's like building
a library in Bolton, it's pointless.

I get it, lads. I get it.

You were nowhere near
and you're a little bit bitter,

you're a little bit angry.

Ey up.

You all right?

Oh, God, here we go.

"Because any good family car must
carry a lot of stuff in its life,

"next up is a boot space
challenge..." Oh, no!

"..where you will pack your cars
with as many kilos of family stuff

"as you can."
Look at the size of it!

"Whoever has the most
is the winner."

If there's one car that was built
for moving things, it was this!

Have you written these challenges?
Have you written these challenges?

It's just becoming more and more...
Can we be clear about one thing?

It's not necessarily
how big your car is,

it's how you pack. When you go away
on a family holiday,

there's a strategy to packing
and I think you're a bit gung ho

and a bit overconfident.

I think some clever packaging
in these very practical cars could

still win this. Yes, I actually
think he's onto something there.

Now, do you want to swap your car?
You can swap your car. I don't mind.

You can take Hill's Berlingo
for all I care.

Damon!

So, the challenge was simple.

Before us lay everything you'd ever
expect a good family car to carry.

Our job was to cram as much
of it in as we could...

HOOTER BLOWS

..in just ten minutes.

And I had, let's be honest,
nothing to worry about.

Look at the space!

Because while strategic Harris
was taking things seriously...

Neat and tidy is the way forward.

..unfortunately, he'd parked too
close to a man who wasn't.

Are you going for it, Harris?

No, you can't... These look heavy.

You...!

Yeah, that will do.

Just back up to the old ladies.

Go away!

Chris, Chris, Chris...

There's your keys.

Ladies, I'm a bit of a gentleman,
so I'd never ask anybody

how old they are,
but who's heaviest?

No, you can't ask that.

Oh! I'm just giving these ladies...
Paddy, you can't...

Giving these ladies a hug.

Yeah, come on, come with me, madam.

There you go.

That's it.

Here you go, Pat.

Make yourself at home.
Have a potato, have a swede.

Over there,
that's Sir Freddie Flintoff.

No, I need weight.

As you can see...

No.

..he's not very well-adjusted.

Let him get out the way.

He's not safe.

Right, I'm not sure
I can do much more.

With just a minute left
on the clock, and all three cars

almost full, it looked like my
strategy might just be paying off.

Until, all of a sudden...

Paddy, Paddy. ..it wasn't.

Let's empty it.

No, no!

Go on, Paddy! Go on, Paddy!

Go on, Paddy!

Let's put this in the car.

Hey, I've got something.

It was funny this morning,
wasn't it, with my head?

Put him in, bit of ballast.

BLEEP!

Don't worry if you hear
anybody in the back, madam.

It's just Chris Harris.

HOOTER BLOWS

Where did they find you?

You're an animal. You're an animal.

Everything all right, boys?

All right, Pad?

LAUGHTER

Perfect shape for his head.
Just perfect. Like, bang.

Full teapot here. Full teapot!

I'm not bothered.

You are feral.
If you were a cat, they'd spay you.

You should not be allowed to
reproduce. You're all kinds of

wrong. You've picked me up,
rag-dolled me round,

you've thrown me into a coffin hole
and locked me there and,

answer me this, how did you manage
to cut my head with a melon?

Never mind that, you find it funny
when I get a heavy wooden latch

on my head. I attack you with
a soft fruit and, look at him,

he's whingeing, isn't he?

Using Chris as a juicer aside,
it still...

.it is a perfect shape, isn't it?

You can really get
a good squeeze on that.

It's still 2-0 to the hearse.

Right, won the
Last Space Race challenge,

won the loading-up challenge.

I've told you, UFC -
Ultimate Family Car.

Well, we'll see just how
ultimate later in the show.

Oh, he's off again.
But, first, a question.

Bugatti Veyron,
the gorgeous Alfa 8C,

and a Haas Formula 1 car.

Can anyone tell me which car
company connects all of these?

No, but I think I know a man who is.

I'm going to tell you.
Draw up the comfy chair, Patrick.

I will.

Allow me to introduce Dallara...

..the greatest car company
you've never heard of.

For half a century,
in a small corner of Italy,

its engineers have helped
to create some of the world's

greatest automotive hits.

But now...

..Dallara has decided
to take centre stage.

This is the Stradale.

That's Italian for road.

Yes, this is a road car.

But, really, you want
to get it on a track.

Wow. Whoo!

What a little thing.

0-60 takes just over three seconds.

Flat out, it will do 174mph.

But, in the Stradale,
it's how eager it is to get there

that really gets your blood pumping.

Put your foot down and it just
picks up straight away.

A little racing car
with a number plate.

God, the brakes are handy, too.

And that's because
the Stradale is light.

Really light.

Dallara has built the Stradale
almost entirely of carbon fibre.

The skeleton and bodywork are carbon
fibre, most of the interior,

even the cup-holder.

All in, this car tips the scales
at a race-car-rivalling 900 kilos,

and the motorsport know-how
doesn't end there.

You know what separates
proper race cars from just

the regular fast stuff?

It's not power.

It's downforce.

This car is all about the downforce.

Flat out, the Stradale makes
a mighty 800 kilos of the stuff.

Those massive scoops
behind the wheels,

that enormous rear wing,
they're manipulating the airflow

over the car to literally stick it
to the surface of the track.

And that means it can do this.

That's proper grip!

You can literally feel the weight
of the air pushing the car down.

It's like a paper dart.

This thing is so sharp.

Dallara says this will produce
lateral forces of 2G.

It's race car G-force.

It's the kind of G-force that
makes you feel like your brain's

about to leak out of your ears.

Oh, yes!

Woohoo.

Impressive stuff, but the Stradale
does have a couple of problems.

Firstly...

..they don't seem to have
quite finished the doors.

Give me a second.

Right, if I'm being honest,

it's not the most elegant supercar

to look at.

And, whilst the interior's very well
made, there's...not much of it.

Put it this way -
if you want sat nav and music,

you'd better make sure that your
passenger can read a map and sing.

Plus, this Stradale
will set you back £200,000,

which is...a lot.

Especially for a car that isn't
fitted with a V12 or a V10

or a V8 or even a V6.

No, it's powered by a four-cylinder
engine from a Ford.

But...

..in a machine where
every gram counts,

..a four-cylinder Ford engine...

..is exactly what this car needs.

That little 2.3 litre turbo-four,

that provides maximum power

for minimum weight.

400 horsepower is plenty to get on
with when you've got 900kg.

This is the antidote
to all those big, pudgy,

fat, overweight hyper-cars.

Dallara's doing it right.

This is a supercar
for the chassis enthusiast.

I know that sounds a bit niche,
a bit like having a thing

for elbows, but if you care
more about how a car drives

than how it sounds,
if you care more about steering feel

than Instagram likes,

then this could well be
the supercar for you.

Whoo!

Look at that!

My name is Chris Harris
and I am a chassis enthusiast.

That is a fantastic little car.

Delicate, fast.

Now, I know, Chris, you're a massive
chassis enthusiast

and I'm sure this
car is amazing to drive,

but it's 200 grand.

It's got a Ford engine. Yeah.

It's got a name no-one's heard of
and as much power as a hot hatch.

I'm with Fred on this one. If you're
spending 200 grand on a car,

you want people to stop and stare.

You don't want them to stop
and Google what the hell it is.

This is a car for someone that wants
to be connected to the driving

experience, not
a peacock from Cheshire.

It's a great car. It's gorgeous.

But how quick is it
around the track? Very.

The Stig took it out earlier today
and you can see the lap online,

but how fast do you think it is?

How far up this board are we going,
Chris? It's going beyond my reach.

I think it's up here.
Well, that's not that far, is it?

Right up there. I walked
straight into that, didn't I?

I've got the results,
and I can tell you the Dallara

Stradale... Stradale?

..Stradale went round our
track in one minute...

Yeah, get it out.

..12... Ooh!

..point eight! Whoa!

The second-fastest round the track.
Wow!

Does that surprise you?

Yeah, I didn't think
it would be that quick. Amazing.

Unbelievable. Well done, little car.

That is very quick, very quick.

Right, time to meet our
celebrity guests who tonight

are sporting royalty -
Zara and Mike Tindall.

Here's what happened when they
arrived at our track earlier today.

Look who's here. Look who's here.

Hi, guys. Hello, how are you.
I'm good. Good to see you.

What we have here is the width
restrictor challenge, OK, guys?

So, we've got two sturdy width
restrictors here and they're about

seven feet apart, which gives
you about an inch either side

of the wing mirrors to get through.

The winner is the one that goes
through there quickest as according

to that speed gun.

You each have to choose
a partner in crime,

or ballast or whichever
way you look at it.

I'm going to choose
the...racing driver.

Yes! Him? That's a mistake.

I've chosen to go with who I think
is probably the most reckless.

Bit awkward, Paddy.
Right, OK, let's go.

Get a crash helmet.

OK, here's the strategy.

You can't lift. You have to just go
flat out the whole way there.

Why are you fixing
the rear view mirror? I don't know.

Are you ready, Chris?

Yeah, we're ready.
Just bury your foot.

There she goes. Oh, it's a bit slow.

This is a real Jaguar, an XJ V8.

Listen to that V8 purring.
Here they come. They're coming.

Come to me a little bit.
Come to me a little bit.

Right, here we go. Here we go!

And suddenly it's coming
at us quite quickly.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Keep going, keep going!

Oh, no!
And she nearly got the camera!

It's not broken. No.

Wow. Oh, dear. Look at her.
Smug, that, isn't it?

Whoa! Hey!

Yes! Can we just check
the wing mirror, please?

Oh, it's still on.

There is nothing wrong
with that wing mirror.

It still on, it's all right, Chris.

Zara, that was fast. That was fast.
How fast was it?

I stopped looking after 90.
She was buried the whole way.

Didn't lift at all. Really?
Didn't lift. Chris is excited.

98.

That's fast. That's pretty fast,
that's pretty fast.

I tell you something as well,
I think you're in with a chance

because look at the size
of these two. I know.

There's an instant half
a tonne added on to the car.

Right, in you get, boys.
Best of luck to you.

We're going.

What's the tactic, then?
Just don't lift off? Yeah.

I hope he smashes it.
Here they come.

Here we go. Now coming up to 80.
Don't lift off. 90.

Oh, my God. That's fast.

Go, go, go, go, go!
Go on, Mike!

Oh!

LAUGHTER

That is definitely...

That is definitely discounted.

Yes! It's a reasonable shunt, that.

Well, do you want the good
news or the bad news?

There is no bad news, Paddy.
It's all good.

I'll give you the good news first.
It was fast?

107.

Very, very, very fast.

Bad news - doesn't count.

You're disqualified because
you broke the wing mirror.

Anyhow, you've won that. Yes.

It's all about the lap now.
It's all about the lap.

Ladies and gentlemen,
fresh from causing carnage

on the track, Zara and Mike Tindall.

Hello. Was it fun? Was it fun?

Sit yourselves down.

Wowzers.

Mike, you took a chunk out of the
bollard there, my friend.

Well, we were generally
having a chat about what would

happen if we just smashed
straight through it, me and Fred,

and I think it was still in my head
about whether I could turn

into it just before.

Cos I know you've got
a bit of a history.

I mean, you crashed a car
at the age of five.

You were supposed to crash
them, they were dodgems.

Oh, you were in a dodgem. Is that
when you first broke your nose?

Without your seat belt on. How many
times have you broke your nose?

Eight. Eight times?

I assume they broke it when they
straightened it as well, so nine.

It did end up looking like that
bollard that you hit before.

It was very similar.
Pretty much, it was.

The old nose, I could have probably
nestled it in and got a nice

shape to it.
Pulled the shape back out.

Any other sporting injuries
from your career?

I have, yeah, a few.

Best sounding one is when I landed
on the back of Lee Byrne's heel

and broke two of my ribs, punctured
my lung and lacerated my liver.

Ooh! You lacerated your liver?

Yeah. I was in intensive care
for five days.

Have you ever picked up any injuries
like that in cricket, Fred?

Like cutting yourself
on a cucumber sandwich or...

I've over-eaten a few times.

But, Zara, you drive stuff bigger
now. You've got an HGV licence.

I do. I can drive my truck.

Cos we all drive our horses
around, we drive them

to competitions, so we need a big
vehicle to obviously get them

to the competitions
and all their kit and all our kit,

so, yeah, I love it.

HE IMPERSONATES HORN

Yeah! I've got one question
about transporting horses.

It's a big animal,
they need to hydrate,

but if they have a big wee when
you're on the road,

where does the wee go? They stop at
the services. What do you think?

Are you competitive
in the car, you two? No.

Who wants to be driving?

If we go out together,
I'll generally drive, won't I?

Oh, here we go!

Yeah. Just cos she likes a drink.

Oh, my God...

Generally, I would drive,
but, yeah, it's not...

Normally because I'm putting
food in the back seat,

trying to keep a child quiet.
Babies.

Who's got the bragging rights
over the stereo?

What do you listen to?

He loves a musical.
Oh, no! Get in!

What's your favourite, Mike?

Sit back, lads. We've got this.
What's your favourite?

See, Rock Of Ages, I do enjoy.

Obviously, A Star Is Born
is big at the moment.

I'd love to see you two at
a West End musical, sat there.

# This is the greatest show! #

Anyway, the lap.

Mike, you've won a Rugby World Cup.

Zara, you're an eventing
world champion.

But this is the big one.
This is the Top Gear track.

Well, it's 1-0 so far
cos you obviously won

the width restrictor challenge.
I'm happy I got on the board.

Zara, who do the family want to win?

Me. Oh, of course they do.

Hello!

And to add a little bit
of spice to the lap,

we decided that you are going to go
in the cars together.

We're going to have a look at Zara's
lap first, but, before we do,

we're just going to have a look at
one of your practice laps.

Would you care to talk us through
what happened here, Zara, please?

No lifting! No lifting!

Oh!

That was your no lifting.

Well, that's a performance lap.

I do like the fact that immediately
it was his fault

for telling you not to lift.

I love the fact that you were just
having a nice conversation

as the car was spinning.

Yeah, utterly fearless.

Anyway, who would like
to see Zara's timed lap?

Yes, come on.

Let's have a look.

Off the line.

Good, solid start, that, I think.
Good, solid start.

Yes! A little bit slower because
you've got basically

about four bags of
potatoes next to you.

Exactly! Thank you.

Slowing you down.

The line's good and
the car looks quick. Does it?

It does. Yes!

Gear change is right.

You've run a bit wide there, a bit
too wide. Bring it back in.

Let's go! Change! Come on!

I've seen you drive
faster to Waitrose.

Braking... That's always a good
sign, when you trigger those hazard

warning lights, that means
you're at the maximum braking.

And also seeing the circuit, cos
it's so flat, knowing where

the corners are is quite tricky
as well. You can't see them.

SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE

Now the Follow-Through.

This is good.
And it's a damp surface.

This is where I clench my buttocks.

That's a thought!

Whoo!

Oh, lovely, though. Smooth.
I think this is quick, my love.

Second to last. I don't think you
can go much quicker through there.

That's a fantastic line.

Using all the circuit.
Oh, oh, oh...

Argh!

This is good, look.
A bit of a bump. Bang.

Yeah, gone.

Gone.

I think you're nervous. I am!

Are you nervous?

I just wanted to make
the Stig proud.

You wanted to make the Stig proud?
You will.

You can see the lap board. Where do
you think you're going to be, Zara?

Who are you eyeing up on there?
I hope I've beaten Frankie Dettori.

That would make my day.
For obvious reasons.

Zara, I can tell you,
you went round our track

in one minute... It makes me nervous
when you've looked down the board.

I'm looking at it...
You could have gone...

Instead of starting at the top,
he started at the bottom.

I'm good at poker as well.

One minute, 40...

..one...

..point six. Good effort.

I think that's OK.

Wow, that's good. Up there.

That's good, Zara. That's good.

On a damp.

Well above Dettori.

On a damp.

You were on a damp.
That's a great time.

Dettori who?

Shall we have a look at Mike's lap?
Yes, come on. Let's have a look.

Good luck. Thanks.

Right, off the line.
Come on, come on, come on!

Well, it's your own weight
slowing you down this time,

so we can't really blame
anyone for that, can we?

You've run wide there, bit too wide.
Windscreen wipers were put on

for effect - it wasn't really
raining, was it?

That's a good line.
Direction change into Chicago.

Oh, I'm in fourth, BLEEP!

He's triggered those lights again.
That's good.

I feel like you're harder
on the brakes than I was.

I love the way you've put
the windscreen wipers on

to make us think that you think
it's wet, but it's not.

It was raining! It was bone dry.

That's sunshine.
There's sunshine on the car.

I've got this, baby.
I've got this.

Oh, a bit of oversteer, showboating.

You lifted off. Lifted off!

I didn't lift off. You did.

I wanted to get a lap in.

Ah!

He likes to get the backend
moving around, doesn't he?

That's really good through there,
that's a very fast line.

Through Gambon.

Yeah, that looked quick.

Got there in the end.

But I wouldn't want to call it.

What are you thinking, Mike?
Do you think you've beat her?

That's too close to call,
too close to call. Do you think?

Yes. If you're saying that...

If I'm somewhere around
there, I'd be happy.

Zara is 1-0 up already.

They are both damp laps.
She's hammered me.

Damp? It was sunny.

He's got a D as well,
but, Mike Tindall,

I can tell you, you went
round the track in one minute...

..40...

..point five.

Oh, well done. Well done.

Oh!

Just above Jason Manford.

That's a good lap. Very good lap.

And that's damp as well.

So, let's just say,
if you're weather-adjusted,

you're getting up towards the Ross
Nobles of this world, I think.

I'm happy to give you that one.
Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Zara and Mike Tindall.

Now, Paddy, earlier on,
you were trying to convince us

that 1,300 quid gets you
a Daimler hearse

as the ultimate family car. Correct.
I'm going to tell you, though,

I think you might be
on to something. Thank you.

But Fred and I reckoned
it could be even more ultimate.

So, we took the hearse off to make
a few, minor upgrades and,

a few days later,
met up with Paddy in Tenby.

Go on, Tenby.

I cannot wait to show Paddy
what we've done to this car.

HORN TOOTS

PADDY CHUCKLES

Oh!

The boys, look what they've done!

HORN BEEPS

Let's show him...

I can't wait. ..this genius.

I knew it had potential,

but I didn't know
it had this much potential.

First of all, pop that bonnet.

OK, that is a 350 horsepower
Lexus V8

straight out of an LS400.

ENGINE REVS

This is now the best sounding
car in the car park.

Paddy, just feast your eyes
down here. Look at this.

A splitter. It's just a little
thing, it makes such a difference.

Little things count, don't they?

And the colour -
Volvo Polestar blue.

The great combination - Volvo,
safety, family safety,

Polestar, racing.

In a colour, blue.

I've got to tell you, lads,
I like it.

And so he should
because this was no longer a hearse.

This was the Overtaker.

And, to make it, we also blagged
all-terrain tyres,

a massive rear spoiler,

quad exhausts,

a ball pool for when
the kids are good

and, for when they're not,

a naughty step.

1,300 quid!

Look at all that for 1,300 quid.

Do you think we've taken your idea -

which we now agree was quite
clever - and we've run with it?

Absolutely.

Hello. You all right?

"Your ultimate family car will now
face the ultimate test -

"a family holiday in Wales."
Oh! Love it.

"Along the way, you will tackle
the best in the family car business.

"First, head down to the beach
for some bucket and spading."

Fingers crossed we do a bit
of crabbing as well.

Right, get in, lads.

I've got to say, I love
that starter button, boys.

Do you want to press it? May I?
Yeah, of course.

Go on.

You're good to go. Go on.

So began the Overtaker's
maiden voyage

and what might just be the first
family holiday ever where everyone

was actually looking forward
to the drive.

The Etch A Sketch!

Oh, yes, nature's iPad.

Yep, we'd even packed stuff
to keep the kids quiet

while the grown-ups talk.

I tell you what, I can just feel it
rumbling underneath my right foot.

I think most of the residents
of Tenby can as well!

Like an AMG.

But, in an AMG,
you don't get one of these.

Oh, boys!

It's like the school tuck shop.

Liquorice Allsorts,
Haribos, Sports Mixture...

Double Deckers.

The one thing I'm glad you've not
put in there is a Turkish Delight.

The devil's work.

That is basically
a chocolate-covered toilet block.

It is horrendous.

Now, this is very important.

I'm going to show you
our onboard Hoover.

Oh, thank God that's what that is!

When you pulled that out
from in between your legs,

I thought, "What is he
using that for?"

Soon, in some typically British
weather, we arrived at our first

family holiday stop-off - the beach.

Here we go, boys. This is the life.

Our first family holiday in Wales.

Look at it!

And lying in wait...

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

..was our first rival.

What the hell's that?

That is an AMG E63 S Estate.

Oh!

We can't see. Fred, follow him.

That cheeky... That was cheeky!

Our first challenge
would be a fastest-lap battle

against the Merc on a specially
designed course right on the sand.

Because, in the world
of family cars,

the E63 is the daddy of them all.

And, if that wasn't enough,
this one was manned

by a family
of rival holiday-makers.

OK, Stig, are you ready?

Take that as a yeah?

Think it's a yeah.

Three, two, one, go!

0-60 in 3.5 seconds.

He is using...
Look, he's going sideways.

You know what?
Over 100 grand, that car.

For an estate car.
Not sure I'm having that.

I'm not sure I'm having that.

That thing's got twice
the power this thing's got.

Look at him, he's coming in now.

1:09.28.

Where's he going?

What's he doing? He's gone.

Harris, 1:09.
That's the time you've got to beat.

Do not let us down.

He's got no chance. I know.

Three, two, one, go.

She's a bit sluggish off the line.

Slow and steady wins the race.

It's a thing of beauty. Look.
Where's he going?

He's getting it sideways
round that first one.

Yes, come on! The Overtaker!

I tell you what, to be fair,
he's done all right there.

There she goes.

Go on, Harris! Go on, Harris!

Go on, sunshine!

Now, this is where
it gets tricky now,

as he comes into the canoes.
Watch this.

Come on!

You can feel the victory.

Go on!

And over the line.

Lost a few balls.

That felt fast.

It wasn't bad, Harris.

1:14.69.

I think that's a great effort.

We got very close.

You were five seconds slower,
but if we equate that to pounds

and pence, the Overtaker's
cost us 1,300 quid.

That E63 is over £100,000,

so I'm putting this down
as a moral victory for us.

So, that's 1-0 to the Overtaker,

which meant we could get back
to enjoying our holiday.

You can buy 80 of these
for the price of the E63.

80? 80.

What do you reckon
you could get for it?

I reckon you could get four grand.

Four grand?

I'm really into what
we've achieved here, lads,

but if you think
you could get £4,000 for this car,

you've been smoking something.

Three and a half, then. Easy.

Although what we wouldn't be telling
any prospective buyers

is the new 4-litre V8 does make
the thing a bit thirstier.

Now, don't tell me you don't love
a bit of filler bingo.

Full gas on the pump, furthest away
from the next £10 loses.

So, you've just got one lift, that's
it. One lift. Yeah, one lift.

0-10, 10-20, 20-30.

The loser consumes...

Oh, God, no. You're sick.

I'm going to leave
that there as a warning. Ugh!

There's something wrong
with you, Harris.

Not the Turkish Delight!

Three, two, one, go.

Go on, Harris.
It's a fast one, this, Paddy.

This is fast. Isn't it fast?

Seven, eight...

Nine, ten!

11, 12, 13, 14...
Oh, he's miles away!

It's away. He's nowhere near.
Miles away, Paddy!

9.78.

Right, I'm on.

Here we go. 16...

I beg to differ on the stupidity.
18, 19...

Nowhere near!

76! I'm going to win! No, no!

He's having the Turkish!

I bottled it.
He's having the Turkish!

How can you get 70s?

2p behind.

That's got in my head.
I've never felt pressure like this.

You need to get within
22p of the next £10. Go!

No feathering, Paddy.

21, 22, 24, 25.

Stop!

49! You put me off!

You shouted stop and he went...
He stopped! He stopped!

49.

Oh...

Come on, let's see it.

Oh, the old chocolate-covered
toilet block.

Oh, I can smell it from here.

LAUGHTER

This is not what I signed up for.

I don't feel good, boys.

I don't feel good.

I do.

Back on the road, we'd been told
to head inland for our next test.

I've got the chess board, boys.

That is brilliant.

But, because Flintoff
is basically a giant toddler,

almost immediately, he needed a wee.

And that meant Harris'
next test was, well,

nothing to do with the car.

Yeah, it all came out all right.

Beautiful, beautiful.
Oh, God. Beautiful.

Do you mind if I just wipe my hands?

No! No!

Covered in piss!

Oh, no, he's not happy. He's gone.

He's not happy.

Get in the driving seat, Pad.

Once Harris had towelled off,
we got back on our way.

I mean... We're going to be quiet
for a few minutes. Oh.

I don't want to hear a word
out of either of you.

I'll go on the Etch A Sketch.

PADDY WHISTLES

Soon, we were closing in on our
next family car showdown.

And, worryingly,
this one looked hilly.

Oh, hello.

Hey, I've got one of them.
I've got a Discovery. You've what?

I've got a Discovery.
Are you blind?

What's wrong with a Discovery?

It's a terrible looking car.

It's the worst piece of car design
of the last five years.

It's the best off-road
family car there is.

How often do you go off-road in it?
I'm not disputing that,

I'm saying how can you say that's
ugly? It's a fantastic looking car.

That's a great looking car? It's
really not. It's a beautiful car.

Look at the back end. You've been
spoiled, Harris. You're wrong,

Paddy. He is right, he's right.
Who's this? Hello.

What...? What?
Are you sure you don't need that?

Dogger.

Wind the window up quick.

"No family holiday would be
complete without a night

"in the great outdoors.

"You will now race to your
campsite atop that hill."

Oh, yes, our rival holiday-makers
were back for an off-road showdown.

Our campsite was on the other side
of the valley,

across four, gruelling miles of
challenging terrain.

Up against the world's most capable
family off-roader and armed

with nothing more than a big
compass, the Overtaker

had its work cut out.

And, to make matters worse,

Flintoff was at the wheel.

Three, two, one...

Go, go, go! Straight on?

No, to the right. To the right!

This is not an off-road vehicle.

Go, go! Come on!

Typically, Stig was
taking the direct route.

And we had no hope of
following in the Overtaker.

Go easy. Go easy with the car.
It's a prototype!

Oh!

So, while the Discovery
was being fired straight

at the countryside...

..we would need to stick
to the tracks....

If you see a right, take it.

..keep up the pace...

Jesus BLEEP BLEEP!

..and stay out of trouble.

Stay off the edges.
Trust me and trust the car.

Normally, I'd say use your common
sense,

but you quite clearly
don't have any.

A couple of miles in,

the Stig's route was
getting stickier.

And the Discovery was slowing down.

To the right! To the right!

With Freddie still pushing hard,
this race was on.

We'll catch him, we'll catch him.

Don't get carried away
with your speed.

All right, Chris, I've got this. Up
to the right, here. To the right.

Paddy, are you all right?

Paddy, you all right?

Luckily, Paddy was all right.

But, more importantly,
the same couldn't be said

for the Overtaker.

I'm not a mechanic,
but in technical terms...

..that's BLEEP.

At the hands of two stupid,
incompetent, cack-handed idiots,

our ultimate family car
dream was dead.

1,300 quid...

..down the pan.

Or perhaps not.

Because, with the family
car score now 1-1,

there was still one test left.

And, overnight, those two stupid,
incompetent,

cack-handed idiots had been busy.

Look, we promised him we'd fix it.
We have.

And now he gets to drive it.
We can't do more than that, can we?

It's not how he imagined
it, though, is it? Look at it.

The rule is - you bend it,
you mend it. Ooh...

You all right, Pad?

It's not the prettiest, is it?

It's a miracle it's still working.

What exactly have you done to it?

Well, we've taken
all the windows out.

Yeah, I've seen that.
This still works, look.

That will come in handy.

Too soon. Too soon.

We've got it going - that's pretty
much it, Paddy, to be honest.

Well, go on, then, jump out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's happened to the doors?

This is the Dukes Of Hazzard model.
I'm Bo, he's Luke.

No, you come out the side, Freddie.

What family car do you have to get
in and out of the windscreen?

Don't walk on it, Fred!

I mean, there's a little part of me
is impressed that you've managed

to get the roof back on.
How little is that part?

Very little. You all right?

Hello.

"The most important aspect
of any family car is safety."

Are you listening?

"To test how safe your ultimate
family car really is,

"you will now compete
n Britain's crashiest motorsport -

"banger racing."

Hold that.

You're not driving this
and you're not driving this.

Leave it to me.

Out the way.

How do I get in again?

Can I help you?
Not sure how that's helping.

Go on, go on. Get your head in.

You've basically put me
in the position I were in

the last time I were in the car!
Jesus Christ!

So, with the Overtaker
somehow back from the dead,

it was now heading straight in
to the most unforgiving test

of them all.

And to help keep it out of the grave
it had just been dug up from,

I'd been given two stupid,
incompetent, cack-handed

idiots as outriders.

Harris, where do you want me?

I think I want you left rear gunner.
I'll go right.

Check.

But there was one
more added challenge -

heading up the competition
was the safest family car

of them all - an old Volvo estate.

And at the wheel of
this Swedish tank...

Hello, my patty-pattycake.

Oh, God, it's the German.
I thought they got rid of her.

Hi, Sabine. Good to see you.

I came all the way from
Germany to meet you.

Bang!

The rules of the derby were simple -
the winner would be the last man -

or woman - left standing.

And Harris and I would do whatever
was necessary to keep the Overtaker

on track, proving it truly belonged
among the family car elite.

They cannot scratch the Overtaker!

I'd take a bullet for you, Paddy.
We've got you, son.

Do not let them through.

No-one's coming through here.
You couldn't be in safer hands.

I feel like Kevin Costner
in The Bodyguard.

Keep it up! You're my wicket, Paddy.

A few laps in, and the outriders
were holding firm.

Paddy, I'm on your BLEEP.

But, as the heat of battle
intensified,

our defences began to weaken.

Oh, it's getting messy.

Watch him, Harris!
Take him out, sunshine!

I'm getting a right battering.

Where's my outriders?

Paddy! I'm coming for you!

Agh!

That must have been Sabine.

Freddie, face the right way,
for God's sake!

The carnage continued.

And, then, disaster struck.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

I think she's dead.

Harris, get back and help. Harris!

Knackered.

Harris is out.

Down to just one defender
and with him facing his own fight

for survival,
things were looking bleak.

Whoa, whoa,
Sabine's having a go at me.

SABINE LAUGHS

Oh, it's slippy. It is slippy.

Watch the paintwork, son!

And before long...

I've just skidded...

Blooming heck, I'm using the wall.

Where's Flintoff?

Come on, baby.

Oh, no!

Oh, who was that?

It was Paddy.
Can you not see I'm stopped?

Flintoff was out of the running
with only himself to blame,

and the Overtaker and I
were now on our own.

I can sense impending doom.

Paddy!

Sweetheart!

I'm coming for you.

I'm on me own!

And we're surviving.

Whoo!

Bye-bye!

SABINE LAUGHS

Yes, it's heating up.

Yes, she's been bashed about,
but she's still got a beauty to her.

This remarkable machine
had done us proud.

She'd given everything,
but, in the end,

the fight was to prove too much.

Yes!

Eat my dust!

It doesn't feel good.

Oh, God! Oh, no!

Oh!

Bye, Paddy.

Oh, Overtaker...

..we've had a good innings.

You were the ultimate
family car to me.

Oh, my God.

Number one!

Love that car.

Now, joking aside just for a second,
there was a moment then

when I flipped the car... Yes.

I was so concerned.
I was shouting to Paddy.

I couldn't hear anything in the
back. I thought I'd killed him.

So, I think, Chris, you should
apologise for being so reckless.

Thank you. What?
I was coaching you.

You was egging me on. You were
saying, "Go faster, go faster!"

You're capable of independent
thought, mate. No, I'm not.

Run at that camera. Run into it.
This one? No, don't.

You are a moron, aren't you?

Look, despite you two clowns' best
efforts to wreck this car,

you've got to admit, it came
through with flying colours.

It's the ultimate family car.
Come on, boys.

I think you've got to let it go.

I think it's time to bury
the hearse. Oh, no.

Mate, it's as dead as the people
who go in the back.

No, no, no, it's not!
No, it's not! Hey, hey.

Hang on, hang on. What's he doing?

Let's see if she'll start.

Here we go.
Oh, it's still damp in here.

Oh, God!

ENGINE STARTS

She's alive! She's alive!

That's all for tonight.
Thank you so much for watching.

See you next week.
I can't believe it! Ta-ra!

ANGELIC MUSIC