Top Gear (2002–…): Season 27, Episode 4 - Episode #27.4 - full transcript

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening
and welcome to Top Gear

where, tonight, we're talking about
unusual specimens,

not Ant and Wreck over there,
but rare cars.

Because if you want to get
your hands on a truly rare car,

you could spend millions
on a machine like this -

one of 14 right-hand drive
Ferrari 275 GTS.

It's just beautiful. Look at it.

It is nice but you could go
the cheaper route.

If you do a bit of digging,
for not much money,

you can find
some properly rare cars,



the last of their kinds.

Yeah, cars that were once common
but are now nearly extinct.

So, the producers told Fred
and me to go out

and pick the rarest,
cheapest cars we could find

and then meet up with them...

..in Borneo.

Borneo.

A vast jungle island

over three times the size
of Great Britain,

a unique ecosystem that's home

to some of the strangest,
rarest beasts on Earth...

BIRDS TRILL

..and about to be home to two more.

Come on.
PADDY GROANS



Come on.

Ah. Come on!

How are you? Good to see you.

From Bolton. Right...

Oh, cars.

I can't wait to see
what you brought.

Now, let me tell you,

I've been to some very mysterious
parts of the internet

finding this car.
I'm sure you have, Paddy.

This is a proper, rare one-off.
Right.

I give you...

..the Matra Bagheera S.

Feast your eyes on that, son.

Mid-engine, rear-wheel drive,
low centre of gravity -

proper sports car, Fred.

Push-button, nice.

Three seats.

Did somebody say McLaren F1?
No. Yes, I did.

There's only four in the UK.

This is the only right-hand drive
that Matra did theirselves.

And, just for extra points,

this is the original brochure
for this car.

And that car you're looking
at there, the original, is that.

Seriously? That is the same?
That is that, my friend.

Bagheera.

So, it's named after
a Disney character?

I'll forgive your ignorance.
How much?

Six grand, just under.

Six grand.
I'll give you it, it's obscure.

Well, that's the point, Fred.
That's the point.

Is it quick? Quick?!

Oh! 118 top end.

Look at how low this car is.
Look at the ground clearance.

Well, yeah, it's low
because it's a sports car, Fred.

But you're in Borneo.

Have you seen the terrain
you're going to be going on?

This is useless.
I've never been to Borneo before!

I'm not well-travelled like you.

Come here, let me show you this.
This is what you should have had.

This is the car that is going to
wipe the floor with you.

I present to you...

..the Austin Allegro estate.

Both British and exotic.

Well, listen,
I don't want to disappoint you,

but the words "British" and "exotic"
don't go together. Paddy...

It's an Allegro. Oh, no, no, no, no.

I mean, there's loads of them.
No, no, not this Allegro.

This is an estate.
This is rarer, Paddy. Rarer.

Just a couple knocking about.

And it's three and a half grand.

Half the price of that,
more or less.

Yeah, I know it's half the price
cos it's half the car.

Half the price, double the car.

There's no way
that's getting across Borneo.

This is mint. This is as fast as
the day it left the factory.

So, very slow, then.
Faster than yours. Fa...!

Well, we'd soon see.

Three...

..two, one...

..go.

Come on, Matra, let's go.

Oh, bloomin' heck.

I've got the cover on the back.

It's acting like a parachute
as well. That's not happening.

French engineering at its best!

Suppose he's got a bit of drag.
That's what he'll be saying.

"I've got a bit of drag with this
at the back of my car.

"The dust sheet's slowing me down."

Ugh. Look at Paddy. He'll be all
happy with himself.

Well done, Paddy,
you've won in a sports car.

Now, the mission we've been given
for our classics was a simple one -

head up the road out of town

and keep driving

until we could drive no more.

But, just because
the route was simple,

it didn't mean it would be easy.

God. I've literally only just
got off the airstrip

and we're struggling here.

If I was to draw a car I didn't
want to drive around Borneo,

I reckon I'd draw that.

But survive the journey

and we've been told our rare beasts
might just earn themselves a place

in one of the world's most legendary
car collections -

a place that, frankly,
my car was made for.

Matra Bagheera.

Wow.

I love the steering wheel.

I like the little flat bit
at the bottom,

very Lamborghini-esque.

In fact, at its launch,

it was known as
the little Lamborghini,

and I can see why.

Matra is almost forgotten nowadays,

but, 40 years ago,
it led the world in motorsport.

In 1969, Matra won
the F1 World Championships

with Jackie Stewart.

And it won Le Mans three times -

1972, 1973, and 1974.

Proper pedigree, this car.

Phew!

I'm having some of my cooling spray.

Oh.

Bit down here.

Oh, God, a pothole!

Ooh, flipping heck!

Paddy's rushing. This is
the tortoise and the hare, this.

You've brought a sports car
to Borneo.

Go on, you rush around
scratching the bottom,

I'm just going to take it
nice and easy in my Allegro.

Now, this is the HL line
which means it's the posh one.

You get the head rests.

You get a massive quartz clock.

So you can keep
your Bentley Mulsannes

and your Rolls-Royce Phantoms,

this is pure luxury.

After a couple of hours on the road,

our progress was good.

But, heading into the hills,

and still tiptoeing around potholes,

Borneo threw in a new,
unavoidable obstacle -

mud.

Come on, Bagheera.

Oh, God.

Oh, this is tricky.

Oh, my word.

We're going in.

Nice and slow, Pad.

I'm giving it some! How are you
going to get the nose up that hill?

Go on, Bagheera. Go on!

Yes! Yes!

Yes!
PADDY LAUGHS

Whoa!

Up we go!

That is unbelievable!

Woo!

What a car!

Go on.

Oh. Hang on.

I might have pushed the girl
too far.

Let's try this.

Oh, Paddy's stopped.

You right, Pads?

Wha...?

Slight technical.

FLY BUZZES

What the frigging hell's
that in my car?

Get out!

Oh, yes.

Can't believe I've just been
overtaken by an Allegro.

Fred, I might need
a bit of help here.

I might have to get out
and give it a little bit of a shunt.

I tell you what we need,
we need some rocks or something,

don't we, under the wheels?

I'll fish some out.

You sort them out,
I'll get some out of here.

You've got to be careful in here,
though, Paddy.

Any chance of something with
a bit of substantiality to it?

Well, do you want to have a look?
There's all sorts in here.

He brought that out.
What's that going to do?

In here, Paddy, in here
there's tarantulas, right?

Flying snakes.
They're not going to bother you.

Sumatran cobras that spray poison
in your eyes and blind you.

You'll be all right. Black leopards,
stalk you in silence -

one bite on the throat,
you're dead.

You're from Preston,
there's worse round there.

Back, back!

Get a brick under the other side
as well, Fred. Oh, you sit there,

you're all right,
I'll get the bricks.

Well, I'm the pilot, aren't I?
Bloomin' heck.

There's them who sit in the car
and reverse

and there's them who put rocks
under the tyres, son.

ENGINE REVS
Go on.

What about giving it a bit of a...

..at the front,
give it a push at the front.

How about you get out
for two minutes?

Lift it!

Oh, that's it, go on, Fred!

It's not even a tonne, this car,
it's lightweight.

Oh.

Stop!

What is it?

It's all right, you don't need it.

Oh, God. You're all right.

Oh, I can't believe that's happened.
It's all right.

40 years, not a scratch.

It had been a busy morning
for the cars,

so, reaching a nearby village,
we decided to stop for a break.

Don't be intimidated
by me getting my arms out.

I'm really not.

Like a dinner lady, look at them.

And, as luck would have it,

we turned up to a highlight
of the local sporting calendar -

buffalo race day.

This is quite a big thing,
isn't it, today?

Get some food here, eh?

Oh, they're off. Pick one, Paddy,
pick one. They're off. Go on.

Number one. Number four, me.

Number four. Yeah, the one
at the front. Come on, number four!

Go on, lad! Come on, number four!

Go on, number one! Go on, one!

He's got him. Oh, no!

Oh! Four.

That was four. Four by a nose.

Good job I've got these on. Oh!

Have you not got them?
No, I haven't.

You know, you just make them
into shorts.

Get a bit of air to your legs,
you see, Fred.

And, by the time the second race
was over,

Freddie had found
the on-site catering.

Ooh, exotic. Got a bit of fruit.
Durian fruit.

Chatting to the fella... Pfft!

You all right? Please stop
putting it under my nose.

It's very prickly.
Whoa! What you doing?

The texture's like... Do you know
when you get a cheese slice melted?

Yeah. That's the texture of it.

Phwoah, man, that smells.

Go on. What do you mean "go on"?

Hang on. You said you were hungry.
Wait a minute.

Yeah, I wanted a...

It's all right.

You're struggling. Tell you what...
You're struggling!

I tell you what...

PADDY LAUGHS
No, it's fine, Paddy. You went...

Oh.

It was just a surprise.
No, I'm all right. Come on! No.

Just tasted some.
Take them away. No...

Say no offence when you go over,
just say...tell them I'm a vegan.

Yep.

There you are.

Pass it down.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Got these sago grubs.
What the f...! What's that?

Sago grubs, they're a delicacy.

They're alive, man.
You said you wanted protein.

Oh, no, I can't... I mean,
look at them, they're quite cute.

If I have one, will you have one?
We're not eight.

But we're in it together, aren't we?
We are not eight.

Put your hand there and I'll
put my hand there and all that.

What are you doing?

You need to live a little, Paddy.
What are you doing? I can't...

I tell you what,
it's a funny feeling, that.

Oh, look at that. Go on.

Fuelled up
on his high protein...grub,

next, Flintoff fancied his chances
out on the track.

CHEERING

What the hell is he doing?

Over here. Come on.

Paddy, lad, I'm in the lead!

Go on! I'm winning.

Oh! Oh! Oh, no. Come on.

But, before Freddie Dettori could do
himself or a buffalo

a career-ending injury,

I thought it best
we get back on the move.

And, once again, picking our way
along the only road north,

the afternoon played out...

..well, pretty much
as the morning had.

Come on.

Right, wait there,
I'm going to give you a push.

Hang on, I might have that.

Try that. BLEEP, BLEEP.

Paddy, wait! I'll tell you when!

Oh, come on. Come on, Bagheera.

Oh-ho!

First gear's gone in! Yes!

That's the first time to...

What in the name of God is this?

Where did that come from? Oh!

Oh, my God, that's savage.

Flippin' heck!

I can't even get it into a gear.
Pump, pump, pump.

Bloody thing's cut out on me.

Oh, no.

I've no engine.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, God. Argh!

Oh, there's bloody flies
coming in at me. Oh!

Argh!

Oh!

HE PANTS

Either this has got heated seats...

..or I've just had an accident.

Look at this.
No pride in his car whatsoever.

Look at that. He doesn't care,
McGuinness, he doesn't care.

When did that come off?

Down that hill.
I stopped to pick it up.

HORN BEEPS
Oh, look at this.

We're holding up the road here.

It's all right, they'll see that
and they'll go, "Oh, bit of class.

"He's a Matra driver."

"Look at that knobhead
driving that French car."

Need a push up, boys.
Do you reckon you can push...?

You fancy helping us push this,
please?

Need a push, need a push.

Who's the lightest, smallest?
The small one.

This lad here. Get yourself in.

You steer, we'll push.

That's it.

Just before we go, it's the only
right-hand drive Bagheera, that,

made by Matra. Are we ready?

Right, lads, come on. That's it.

Push! Oh, we're on it,
we're on it!

Come on, lads, come on.
Let's go, come on!

Yes, lads, come on, push!

THEY LAUGH

Oh-whey-oh!

Oh-oh-oh!

And, just to be clear,

while Paddy was busy
deconstructing his Bagheera...

Oh!

Ooh!

Oh, no, there goes
my rear view mirror. That's gone.

..the Allegro 1.5 HL

hadn't missed a beat.

Here we go.

I've had 4x4s that can't do this.

BMW X5, I couldn't get it
off the drive when it snowed.

Me drive was only like that.

Look at this!

I tell you what,

the people at British Leyland,

they had a bad reputation
for going home early.

Not the bloke
who put this one together.

He stayed on a Friday.

He thought, "One day, my car
is going to be driven

"by a fat, ex-cricketer
with ginger hair through Borneo."

As the day wore on...

..eventually
the light began to fade.

Oh, God.

Poor visibility, head lamps
from the '70s, and it's raining.

Bloomin' heck.

Oh, no, what's happened
to my wipers?

I've lost a wiper.

But we'd been told to drive
until we could drive no more,

so, that's exactly what we did.

How are you feeling, big lad?

Oh, I'm ready for my pit, son.

Me and you both.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What is...?

What's going on?

Hello.

OK.

Paddy, I think these are Gurkhas.

Just be good.

Sir? Yes. This is for you.

Hoo! What did he say, Paddy?
What's he after?

Didn't say owt to me.

"Tomorrow, you will face
the ultimate test.

"With the help of the army's elite
shock force troop, the Gurkhas,

"you're going off-road,

"really off-road."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What was that? What's that?
Why's he doing that?

Don't worry about that.
It's horrible. It's horrible. OK.

Congratulations, Andrew, you are
definitely moving up in the world.

You've gone from pedalo to buffalo.

Firstly, it's Fred till
I tell you otherwise. OK, sorry.

And the other thing, buffaloes
are easier to stay on than a pedalo.

It does help being sober as well.
LAUGHTER

I'm not going to lie.

We'll get back to that film
and the Gurkhas a little later,

and, let me tell you,
those lads do not mess about.

Now, while these two were off
flouncing around in the jungle,

I was busy doing some real world
consumer journalism,

a very thorough review
of the new Rolls-Royce.

It's called the Cullinan.

It costs a quarter of
a million pounds.

And, though it might
look like an SUV,

according to Rolls, it isn't an SUV.

No, this is an all-terrain,
high-bodied car.

So, an SUV, then.

And to all those people saying,
"Should Rolls-Royce really build

"a massive SUV?"

I say, well, why not?

If anyone's entitled to build
a massive, off-road tank, it's them.

It's hardly like their normal cars
are small and dainty, is it?

Furthermore, 100 years ago,

Rolls' entire
best-car-in-the-world image

was based on a building
off-road vehicles because

there were no roads.

Just ask Lawrence of Arabia.

And the Cullinan
is a proper off-roader.

It's got four-wheel-drive,

it'll wade through
half a metre of water,

it'll realistically go
anywhere you'd expect

your £250,000 off-roader to go.

But, let's face it,

the Cullinan owner
isn't going to do any of that.

They're going
to drive around on-road,

from this very high
driving position,

wondering why everyone else
looks a bit poor.

And, out on the road,

the Cullinan is every bit as refined
and imperious as you'd expect

from the world's most expensive SUV.

Listen to that.
The silence is just glorious.

This is the most refined
SUV ever made.

You really don't even know
the engine's switched on.

I mean, driving on this road now,
there's no suspension noise,

no tyre noise.

And the ride,
it's just extraordinary.

It is so supple,

it's like the road ahead of you's
just been resurfaced

with marshmallows.

And, like every other
luxury SUV out there,

the Cullinan
doesn't just do comfort...

..it also does power.

And it really is
more than powerful enough.

It has a twin-turbo-charged
6.75 litre V12,

560hp.

I'm not sure anyone is going to be
brave enough

to really hustle one of these,
though.

It goes really, really quickly.

And it does a great job of hiding
all of its weight

until you get to a corner
like that...

TYRES SCREECH

..and you are very aware
of how heavy it is.

Let's be honest,
this isn't an SUV for driving hard,

it's an SUV for wafting along
in glorious, soothing silence.

And, for that, the Cullinan is
in a class of its own.

However, it does have
one, teeny-tiny problem.

It is, to use
a technical, automotive term,

utterly hideous to look at.

I mean, it's a little bit
new London taxi there,

it's a little bit Chinese knock-off,

it's ALL bad.

I mean, look at the grille.

All that money, that design team,

that's the best
they can come up with?

It just looks like they've taken
any old boxy SUV

and just slapped a grille on it
and a flying lady.

She must be gutted.

And I know looks are
a subjective thing,

but this is just wrong.

In fact, I'm going to get inside
cos it's safer on my eyes.

Argh!

It really is quite an achievement.

Rolls has somehow managed to build
a £250,000 car

that turns heads
for all the wrong reasons.

# Hallelujah... #

Sorry. Sorry.

# Hallelujah, hallelujah... #

It's not my car.

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah, hallelujah

# Hallelujah. #

But there's something much worse
going on here.

The Cullinan should feel like
the peak of British engineering

but, actually,
it just feels cynical.

It doesn't feel like it was created
through passion, or love,

or innovation, it just feels like
it was created to make money.

Raw greed.

Because, let's face it,

there are too many rich people
on this planet

for this tasteless car not to exist.

I'm an apologist for the motor car -

fast, big, inefficient,
I'll defend them cos I love cars,

I'm passionate about them.

But I cannot construct
a defence for this car.

I'm in the flag-bearer
for British engineering,

a Rolls-Royce,

and I'm ashamed to be in it.

So, if you want to experience

a world-class piece
of British engineering

that doesn't make
you loath yourself,

you don't want one of these.

Oh, no.

You want one of these.

Now, that is British engineering.
Watch this.

The Brompton folding bicycle.

What a machine.

Frankly, it's a blessed relief.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I mean, I'm not...

I'm not being...

I do have to point out
there's no Cullinan.

There are no flies on you, Fred.
Where is it?

Your powers of observation
are amazing.

Look, we asked Rolls-Royce
if we could borrow one,

they said no, so we had to rent one.

And they said no cos they were
worried - I don't know why -

they thought we were going to be
rude about it.

You were rude about it.

Oh, come on, I think we just
pointed out the obvious, didn't we?

Look, it deserves a kicking and
they're not the only ones, either.

Everyone's making
these big, large, executive SUVs.

You know, Aston Martin's at it,
Lamborghini's done it,

Bentley's done it, but there's
something about the Rolls

that makes it more hateful
than all the others.

It's just hideous to look at.
It's not that bad.

In comparison to the Bentley
and the Lambo,

I'd have it every day of the week.

Oh. It's Rolls-Royce, Paddy.

British at its best. Oh, no.

I'm sorry, are you having a laugh?
No.

You would drive around in that car?
Mate, what's wrong with it?

Tell you what, then, you open
the boot, you get a Brompton out,

there's nothing more pretentious
on the road than a Brompton.

"Look at me on my foldy-up bike."
No, I've got to...

LAUGHTER
Jeez, come on, Chris...

Shall we move on? Cos now it's time
for tonight's studio guest,

the fantastic Bob Mortimer.

Here's what happened when we met him
out on the track earlier today.

Behave, you two.
You can have some as well.

APPLAUSE

Hello, Bob. Hiya, Paddy.
Hiya, Freddie. Hiya, Chris.

How are you, boss?
Thanks for having us.

Welcome to the Top Gear
Width Restrictor challenge, OK?

Right. Very, very simple. Yeah.

You've got to take this car... Yeah.

..and you've got to drive through
there as fast as you can,

and you have to nominate someone
to compete against.

Might I suggest you choose

the person you think
might be the slowest.

Paddy. Oh!
FREDDIE LAUGHS

Ooh. Oh, he's not happy with that.

Here we go. Great car, this.
Come on.

Sport mode -
Bob won't think of that.

This is how competitive Paddy is,

he started way back
so he can get some speed up.

She's an old girl.

Come on. 70.

He suits the Jag.

I can imagine him in one of those
lurking around wine bars.

Yeah. Sort of Watford area.

100, we're at 100. We're at 100.
We're at 100.

Oh! He's through, Bob.

Ooh, that were tight!

TYRES SCREECH

Well, I was very impressed.

She'll go, the old girl.

That was impressive. Go on.

101!

Race you back. Beat that, Sir Bob.
I won't. Beat that.

Now, did you touch anything? Well,
little nick on the wing mirror.

Oh, hello. Oh, oh. No, no. Whoa.

It's intact, look.
Is the glass smashed? No.

There you go. Get off that.
So I think that does count.

101mph is your speed to beat, Bob.

Well, I won't be beating that.

Do you want me to try and do 100mph?
I want you to beat Paddy.

BOB LAUGHS
I really want you to beat Paddy.

Three, two, one, go.

Come on, Bob. Don't lift off.

They're barely moving.
I can't even pick... Oh, 36.

I am a sinner! 70! Come on, go, Bob!

Go! I'm nervous.

I don't normally... BLEEP!

No, Bob, no.

No!

Oh! You got through, Bob!

THEY LAUGH

Did you have the handbrake on,
Bob, or what?

In Bob's mind, we were supersonic.

It was... Bob, we didn't need
the speed camera.

Oh, I know,
but I've joyed myself so much.

Honest.
THEY LAUGH

It's not all about speed, is it?

That's the first time
I've been frightened in a long time.

First of all,
can I announce your speed?

What do you think you did?
Oh, I think I...

I really want it to be 60 but...
Yes! Oh, it is?

Oh! Oh, that's all right!
That's all right! Get in!

That's all right!
And one point of conjecture,

you went through at 60,
you didn't touch anything. No.

He may have done 101
but he whacked a wing mirror,

so I'm not sure that you haven't
scored a moral victory here.

He's chuffed with himself,
isn't he? Oh, all the time.

For no apparent reason.

Just shows that sometimes the
tortoise beats the hare, doesn't it?

Yeah. Sometimes the bull
beats the kestrel.

THEY LAUGH
Do you know what I mean?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please welcome comedy legend
Bob Mortimer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, Paddy. Hi, Chris. Hiya, Freddie.

Oh! Whoa!

Thanks for having us.

That was tight.
That was tight, yeah.

You went fast at first and then
you took your foot off the gas, why?

Yes, I got frightened.

Right, OK. YOU got frightened?

I was bricking it
in that passenger seat. Yes.

I kind of smelt that, yes.

LAUGHTER
Kind of. Apologies.

But let's start at the beginning.
Yeah. What was your first car?

My first car was a Lexus LS400.

Big. That's a very big,
not-normal, first car.

When did you pass your driving
test? Not till my late 30s.

You know, when, my wife was having
a baby, so you think,

you know, you might have to drive
to the hospital.

Drive to the hospital... It helps.

Yeah, with some towels
and some hot water

on the back-seat, so I thought
I'd have to learn, so, yeah.

So, what's this, then?
Cos we've got footage of you

driving in the mid-'90s.

Really? Yeah, let's have
a look at this.

Nicole!

Nicole!

HE MOUTHS

Papa. Nicole.

Nicole! Bob!

Yes!

Blimey!

Yeah.

Oh! What about that?!

What a lovely memory.

That was the most viewing figures

Vic and I have ever got, was for
that advert. How million?

There's 24 million people watched
that. Extraordinary, isn't it?

That advert was massive
back in the day. Yeah.

In fact, you're advert royalty.
I didn't know this.

This is amazing, everybody.

Bob used to be the voice of
Churchill the dog from the adverts.

I can't believe it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yes.
CHEERING

Yes! Yes!

LAUGHTER
Yes!

Yeah, we went into a voice booth
and they had this character,

a dog, and said, "Can you come up
with a voice for it?"

And I also, do you remember Deryck
Guyler? "Oh, what you doing?"

Yeah. I did it like that

and that became kind of what
I'm best known for,

although I'm not known
for it as it were.

How long did you do it for, those
adverts? I did it for a long time.

For, I'm thinking, like,
ten years or something.

Did they just keep getting you back
in or did you just use it, because

it's just the same, "Oh, yes,"
it's just that on every advert.

Every time I'd have to go in
and do an, "Oh, yes.

"Oh, yes! Oh, yes."

You know, with those instructions.

"Say this one like you're sad."

"Oh, yes."

THEY LAUGH

But, yeah, I'd have to, so they must
have thousands upon thousands of,

"Oh, yes," somewhere. Brilliant.
Shall we talk about your new show,

Gone Fishing with Paul Whitehouse.

Oh, thank you, yeah. Now, I'm not
massively into fishing.

I mean, I've done a little bit,
but I love the show.

Why do you think it's been
so successful? Do you know what?

I think it's a little bit of what
Last Of The Summer Wine used

to have. It's older fellas,
it's very gentle.

It comes across on camera that you
genuinely love it, though.

I absolutely adore it.

It's, like, not the fishing as such.

I adore at my age just being away.

It's like being 15 again
with your best mate. Yeah.

Messing around on a river bank.
Yeah.

Going to the boozer afterwards.
Yeah. Having a pie,

cos the wife's not there,
so she won't stop me eating pies.

Oh, have you been put on a stop
with pies, have you?

Yeah, cos of me heart stuff, I'm not
allowed to eat anything nice.

LAUGHTER

The second series is on later on
this summer as well.

Summer, yeah. I think we've got
a clip, actually. Let's have a look.

Bob. Oh, have a drink from that.
PAUL CHUCKLES

Isn't it glorious? That's fantastic.

It's a par four this, Paul, which
means it should take four minutes.

BOB LAUGHS

I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, Paul.

I shouldn't laugh.

And nor should you,
you should be ashamed.

BOB SNIGGERS

Whoa! Straight in the rough!

Well, I'm not using what you used.

What did you use?

Look at the size of this!

I bet he's played it before.

No-one's been...
PAUL LAUGHS

Come on, hapless Bob.

Whoa! WHOA! LOOK AT IT GO!
Where did it go?

Nobody knows. No!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Bob, Bob, you're golfing there,
obviously, you fish. Historically,

you're doing boring things
but making them look really fun.

Do you fancy having a crack
at cricket?
LAUGHTER

Anyway, it's time to see your lap.

Thank you. How did you find
the GT86?

Phwoar! Well, when I went round with
Stig, I found it terrifying,

but, actually, when I was at the
controls, not so much. Not really.

It's interesting, Stig.

You're trying to work out what or
who he is, you know? Yeah.

He's got very thin thighs,
have you noticed?

He's really thin. Made me think,
"Maybe he's part thrush?"

LAUGHTER

Anyway, who'd like to see Bob's
lap? Yes! Come on. All right.

Let's take a look.

Off the line. I'm not going to say
much here, cos Bob's ace.

IN GEORDIE ACCENT: Howie, Mickey,

let's go down the retail park
and do some doughnuts.

And then have some chicken and throw
the bones at Halfords.

Were you just in your own little
world at this point?

To be honest with you, yeah.

I mean, it doesn't look quick.
No, it's not quick, I'm sure.

It's doing these sorts of speeds...

..that mean that you miss
the price reductions

on the pasties and the pies.

Pasty gone! Pie gone!

Too fast, boy!

He's coming in to hammerhead now.

It doesn't look quick
but it's controlled.

He was a late entrant
to the competition.

Nobody knows who he is or where
he's come from but he's fast.

He's fast, all right.

You're speaking about yourself
in the third person,

that's the first sign of madness,
isn't it?

Don't brake, Bob. Don't...

Don't even think about it!
Go, go, go, go, go!

Don't brake!

Don't brake. Brake face!

Oh, he's BLEEP his pants,
but that's OK!

Oh, and home. Thank God.

I don't care how fast that was,
it's the best lap I've ever watched.

Oh, thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You can see the lap board, Bob.
Yeah. Where would you like to be?

Well, it was very sedate.

I would...I would be so chuffed
if I was above

Dara - Uh-duh! - O Briain.
LAUGHTER

So, you're setting your sights quite
high there, Bob.

I've got the result. Oh, dear.

And I can tell you, Bob Mortimer...

..you went round our track
in one minute...

..40... Ooh, hey-yup!

..eight...

..point four, so, Bob...
You're in! Hey!

..you're just under
Frankie Dettori.

You've got to be pleased.
I'm very pleased.

HE LAUGHS
Who'd have thought.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bob Mortimer!
Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, time to get back to Borneo
where, as you'll remember,

the producers had arranged
for the British Army's Gurkha

regiment to interrupt our journey.

That's because the point of this
film had always been to work

with the Gurkhas and have a massive
off-road adventure in the jungle,

but the jungle the Army sends the
Gurkhas to train in is in Brunei,

and the mystery car collector
we were on our way to see

was none other than the Sultan of
Brunei who,

it's fair to say,
wasn't expecting us.

Now, after we landed back in the UK,
having made this film,

the Sultan announced new laws
making homosexuality

and adultery punishable by death. As
you can imagine, we were horrified.

We'd obviously never have visited
Brunei

had that been the case beforehand.

And, though there's a temporary
halt on enforcing this law,

we thought long and hard about
showing this film.

But the Gurkhas were brilliant,
as were the men

and women of Brunei who helped make
this journey possible,

so part two is for them.

Morning in Brunei.

Overnight, our rare cars
had been taken off us

and dropped deep into the jungle.

Now, to prove them worthy
of the Sultan's collection once

and for all, we'd each been
assigned a three-man

squad of Gurkhas to help us
find them,

bring them out alive and deliver
them to his palace.

The heat's baking.

We're travelling down the river
to God knows where.

Safe to say...

..I'm out of me comfort zone.

I know for a fact, that in this
water, it's full of crocodiles.

I'm hanging on.

Is this it? Is this it?
I think we're here.

We're turning round,
we're going somewhere.

What's going on?

We're getting off. Hang on.
What's going on?

We're going.

What the hell's going on?
Don't know, mate.

Safely ashore, before we could begin
the hunt for our cars,

our new colleagues wanted to give us
the lay of the land.

Did you see this sign? Yeah.
Wild boar, that's a pretty big one.

Dangerous? Very dangerous.

If you see boar in the jungle,
avoid it.

What do we do? Hide behind a tree?

Yeah, run. Run? Yeah.

You can see there, that's from the
crocodile, from the river crocodile.

Crocodile? They're coming out
to here? Yeah.

Could there be a nest round here?
A nest? Crocodile nest.

They put their eggs in. Might be.
What else should we look for?

There's boars, crocodiles.

So be aware of very dry, dry trees.

There could be spiders
and scorpions. Right.

Basically, nothing is nice.

PADDY SIGHS

Even with the 2015 Australian I'm
A Celebrity champion for company,

I was well out me depth.

Oh! BLEEP!

Oh. Oh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.

You all right, Pad? Have to be
careful around here, hadn't you?

Oop. Oh, look at that.

Is that one of them

knives that can cut through anything
that you see on QVC?

Just told me be careful with them,
the spikes are poisonous.

Yeah, it's not something

I were going to go and
exactly try and touch.

How do you think your car's going
to do in here, Paddy? Mine? Yeah.

It's called the Bagheera, Fred.

The panther, it were made
for this kind of stuff.

Tell you what, Paddy,

I can't wait to show you
what I've done to my car.

What do you mean,
you've done to your car?

Oh! Argh! Careful with that.

Oh, God!

Oh! It's a bit brutal, ain't it?

Where have they put these cars?

THUNDER RUMBLES

What? Have you ever had
rain like that in your life? Oh!

THUNDER RUMBLES

It's actually chilly.
It is cold, ain't it? Chilly!

After two hours hard trek,
we finally came across a clearing.

Yes! The cars! Oh. The cars.

I can't tell you how pleased I am
to see that Allegro.

Look at her. Look at her. Hang on
a minute. What? What?

That! Oh, the modifications.

Yeah! Last night, I took it down
the shop with the lads.

What do you mean the lads?
The Gurkhas.

Did a few things to it to get it
through. We put bull bars on.

Spare wheel. These are a must,
off-road tyres.

Roof rack, spotlights, spare fuel,
spare tyres, you name it, Paddy,

this car has now got it.

This is just going to plough
through the jungle.

I get what you've done,
but, to be honest,

I think you've ruined it, pal.
He wants something untouched.

But he wants one-offs.
He wants one-offs.

This is now a one-off.
You've muddied it up too much,

he's not going to want that.
Never mind concentrating on my car,

how is that going to get
anywhere around here? Look at it.

And, with that, Fred decided to show
what the Allegro could do.

Come on. Come on, the Allegro.

TYRES SKID

Oh, it's not going to be easy, this.

Are them the off-road tyres?

Oh!

Yes!

ENGINES REVS, BANGING

Oh, the modifications
have paid off, Fred!

Eventually, though, with almost
no help from the Gurkhas...

Go, go.

..we started to make tracks.

Yes, go on!

We'll have to do some clearing,
lads. Yeah.

That's it. Over here. Ready?

Oh, I like this, teamwork.

I seen all that when we got up,
I thought, "We've had it," but no.

Not with these lads.
All hands on log. That's it!

We're on it. You have to move
your Bagheera.

Go move your Bagheera, Paddy.
Bagheera? It's yours in the way.

No, but I can't move it for yours.

How's that?

BANG
What are you doing?!

Sorry, Paddy. You've gone into me
pop-ups.

Why would you do that?!
It's a one-off!

I can't get any spares for it!

Clearing the tree,
we'd found our way

onto one of the long-abandoned
logging tracks

that intersects the jungle.

A track that, with a bit of luck,
might just lead to a road.

Come on. Yes.

Come on.

But luck wasn't on our side.

Oh, my word. Can't see the path.

Where are we going?

Oh! Oh, no, we're stopping again.
Yeah.

Not more. Every two minutes
there's something.

Not again. Just gets thicker.

Come on. Mate, we'll get through
that, just a bit of hacking.

If we've got through that, we can
get through this. Hang on a minute.

Are you saying we're driving
through that?

Yeah, we're going to do a bit of
clearing,

move all this stuff out
the way and let's get through.

What? I've got my off-road tyres
jacked up, I'm fine.

Yeah, I haven't. I'm two inches
off the ground.

What was you saying before?
"Oh, the Bagheera.

"Even the name's designed for the
jungle." Now you're backing out.

Arjun? Yeah. Is there not another
way? Can we not get off this road?

Is there another way out?
Paddy. Paddy. We're in the jungle,

you're meant to get
through the jungle.

Excuse me, I'm having a talk to me
captain. I'm going to get cracking.

Get your pickaxe out,
you'll love that.

Where are we? Where are we now?
So, here. We're here. I think...

There's the one option, the river.

Didn't have you down there
for a chicken, Pad. River?

FREDDIE CLUCKS
There's no road. There's no road.

If we can just get through a little
bit, we can get to that river.

That's not far. Paddy. What?
Have you had the Gurkhas' motto?

What's that? It's better to die
than be a coward.

Look...
CLUCKING

Chicken? We're still getting there,
it's not about being a chicken.

This is, this is... Oh, this is...
This is what you're dealing with.

What we've got here is a race,
sunshine.

Paddy. Ignore him. Paddy,

take your Bagheera...
Hang on a minute.

HORN BLARES

So, Team Bagheera had a new plan.

If we'd come in by river,
we could escape that way, too.

Captain Arjun had spotted an old
fishing settlement nearby.

On foot, it was just a short hack
through the jungle.

So, sending a scout on ahead
to look for anything that

could help us float,
we saddled up...

..and fired the Bagheera
back down the logging track.

We're off. We're off.

Lads, let's pick up the pace now,
we've got to beat Paddy.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Whoa! Wahey! Oh!

Yes! It's like a railway car. Yeah!
The Bagheera...

..in its natural habitat.

It's impressive!

Oh, gets a bit rocky here. Oh!

Oh! Oh! That's savage.

Oh!

What the hell?!

Oh! He'll still be hacking his way
through the jungle.

For now, though, I need my machete.

Words I'd never thought I say, that.
"I need my machete."

Come on, lads, we've got to beat
Paddy now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

It is doing the business now, boys!
I like this car! Yeah!

We are on it now!

Whoa!

Wow! Oh!

But it's sideways, though.
Look at this!

While Paddy McCrae
was on the charge,

I was doing whatever I could
to keep the Allegro moving.

Heave!

Come on, we can do it!

Argh! Heave! Push!

Yes! Yeah! Come on!

Right, stop it. Stop, stop, stop,
stop! Oh!

Feel like a Shire horse.

A couple of miles east, meanwhile,
Team Bagheera had reached the river.

Right.

That's not the raft, is it?
Oh, this is... We can make better.

We're going to have to make it a lot
better. There's no middle to it.

I hate to say it, lads, but we're in
a rush here.

Push! Keep going! Keep going!

Yeah!

Always bend at the knees, Arjun.

Bend at the knees not the back.

VOICEOVER: Down at the water, the
plan was simple - bulk up the raft,

build a slipway...

Have you got it? Try, Paddy? Yeah.

VOICEOVER: ..and don't sink
the Bagheera.

Right. I'm going to bring her down.

Here we go. This side. Yep.

A little bit still. Still. Still.

OK!

Doesn't help with the bloody rain.

OK. Little bit. Yeah.

Yeah? Yes. That's good.

OK. Come in, come in.

Good. We're on, boys!

Good. We're on! We're on.

He's left me.

Give him... Nothing.

Oh, my word.

It's not the easiest path...
but it's the most rewarding.

Look at this. We're moving,
we're moving! We're only moving!

This car just amazes me.

And it might just have found
a way out.

Oh-ho-ho-ho! Come on, we're back!

Come on, come on. Get in, lads.

Out on the raft, meanwhile,

Operation River Rapids
was under way.

Although, to be fair,
not quite as rapidly as we'd hoped.

So, to keep up morale,
I broke out the refreshments.

Time to get out the big guns.

I've got the Angel Delight.

Oh, thanks. Have a cup.

On the top, there. On the top.
That's it.

Yeah, that's open.

Oh!

Strawberry. It's the only flavour
to have.

Little bit of milk.

Give it a stir. That's it.

Here we go. We're rallying now.
We're rallying.

This is going pretty smooth. Smooth.
It's the car, it's the car.

I'm glad you noticed. Suspension.

Hydro gas. It's an absolute dream.

Oh, my word.

Oh!

Bloomin' heck!

It's a taste of home. Yeah.

Look at us. Four Gurkhas
eating Angel Delight.

Arjun, I've got to ask,
have you ever met Joanna Lumley?

With the Bagheera gradually
floating out of the running,

Team Allegro was out of the weather
and on the charge.

Oh, my word.

Is that... Is that...? It's not.
Tarmac!

Come on!
THEY CHEER

Whoa. Bit of land there, boys.
I think we can get in there.

Paddling. Keep paddling, yeah.
That's it, round we go.

Now, look at that
for a handbrake turn.

Push. Whoa! Jesus!

Yeah.

Time is of the essence.

Out the way, boys. I'm on, lads!

Come on, Bagheera! Yes! Yes,
Bagheera! Yeah!

We're on, boys!

This was it. The edge of the jungle.

We'd each found a road

and it would now be a race 40 miles
north-east to the Brunei capital,

Bandar Seri Begawan,
and the Sultan's palace.

But, while Flintoff had escaped onto
decent roads and was making

good time, the river had spat me
out closer to the finish.

The Bagheera was well
back in the fight.

Come on!

Next stop, the Sultan
of Brunei's palace!

I have got to win this!

Oh, it's singing. 69 horsepower.

And they're all charging right now.

It's got to beat Paddy.

No way we can be beaten by Paddy.

This is going to fly to the palace.

I've got this covered!

Oh!

It's horrendous.

Oh, that is deep. That is deep.

Urgh! Oh!

Not felt stress like it.

Oh, God.

When does this road get any better?!

Which way? Turn left, please. Where?
Left. Left.

Hey, is... It's the highway now.

Is this the motorway? Yeah.
Oh, here we come.

We're getting on the highway.
Now we're talking.

Look at us, this is the fastest
I've been in it so far. Yeah.

But there's no way that Paddy going
through the way he's gone

can be going this fast.
Come on, the Allegro!

Tarmac. Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Let's go!

Now we're talking.
Let's open the taps. Come on!

We are motoring!

This road is fantastic!

And my odds were about to
improve even more.

RATTLING

Can you hear that rattle from the
engine now, can't you? What's that?

It's starting to get hot.

Oh, there's a bit of smoke.

Smoke? Yeah. Are we getting smoke?

Oh, no. We're dying.

I'm losing power.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Smell that? Oh, yeah. Geez!
What is wrong, Freddie?

Just getting hot, mate.
Just overheating.

Just time, though, isn't it? Yeah.

And we've got no idea
where Paddy is.

What I'm looking for
is a really massive bridge.

The Gurkhas said, once you're at
that, you know you're in Bandar.

Got to get to the Bandar Bridge.

Do you know what? I reckon,
we've got the radiator here,

this is blocking it.
The number plate.

We flatten it, might get more
air in. Yeah. Do you reckon?

Push it down.

There's bits hanging off,
lost my rear view mirror,

lost me air vents.
GEARS GRIND

Oh, God, come on, gears.

Front bumper's fallen off.
I forgot about that.

Me Matra sign's fallen
off the back.

God, come on.

I haven't even seen any signs yet.

That's it, crack on, the Allegro.

The suspension
on the front left's gone.

The foot well down there, where my
feet are, is boiling hot.

But it's still moving.
It's still chugging on.

I just don't know
for how much longer.

If I'm not mistaken...

..THIS IS A BIG BRIDGE!

I'm in Bandar! In the Bagheera!

Surely be, we're getting closer now,
look.

We're off the motorway,
we're going through the city,

I can see the signs. Take a left,
yeah. Bandar Seri Begawan.

Bandar Seri Begawan.

We're getting closer.

Come on!

GEARS LURCH

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not now.
Not now, not here. Oh, God.

The lights have turned red.

GEARS SCREECH

HORNS HONK
Sorry! Coming over.

Oh! Is that it? Yes, thank you.

Oh, God, has it jumped out again?

HORNS HONK

Going to have to try a hard start
in second. Sorry!

Oh!

FREDDIE GROANS

Just find one, big, last push.
Please, please, please.

Where is it?

I mean, it's a palace,
how can I miss a palace?

How close? How close?

Somewhere around here.
What, we're close to the palace?

Come on!

Let's do it
for the Gurkhas, Bagheera.

Come on!

There's traffic around now.
Come on, move!

GEARS SCREECH
Whoa! That's not sounding good.

Do I change to fourth? Do I risk it?

Oh, I risked it! He's done it!

Come on. Come on, Palace.

Left. Left. Oh, you are kidding me.

You are absolutely kidding me.

HE LAUGHS

Aye, Paddy. Hey?

Yous no way you've gone through
the jungle. No way.

Ask the lads, ask the Gurkhas.

How's that got here before that?

Oh. Oh.

See, soon as you get here with that,
this happens.

Is he in? We've, erm...

I've bought it for the Sultan.

No, no, no, don't bring it here.

Shall I leave the keys with you?
No, no, no, no.

Shall I leave them in the ignition?
You can't park there.

I'll leave them in here.

Park over there. He's saying go.

Get in the car. Get in the car.

Unbelievable, boys. Thank you so
much. Thank you.

Had a good time with you. Thank you.
Boys.

It's been a pleasure.
Been a pleasure, lads.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done. Well done.

Impressive cars, them. Impressive.

I am absolutely staggered
they survived.

What we've learned is, if you want
to cross a jungle,

you don't need a 4x4, what you need
is a knackered, old car

and a highly trained team of
Gurkhas? They were good lads.

They were great lads, weren't they?
Good lads. Unbelievable.

Very good lads. But the cars, I
mean, the Bagheera,

how on Earth did it survive?
It was amazing!

Everything that we've thrown at
that car, it just carried on going.

And the Allegro, you know, the most
unreliable car in history,

you found the only reliable one
ever made.

I got to like it more and more
as the journey went on.

That was British Leyland
at its finest. Well, Chris,

now it's down to you to choose
which is the best of our rare cars.

It's like choosing between two
really ugly children.
LAUGHTER

Ooh! Erm... I can't... Look,

I have to give it... Yeah.

..to the Allegro.

What?! Yes! I didn't see that
coming! Get in! Get in, Paddy!

Oh! Yes! The Allegro!

It's all right, Paddy.
He had off-road tyres on it!

You did well. OK, look, you're
double denim and you're angry.

Shocked. You're angry.

But the fact is the Allegro's
an object of hate

and it succeeded
at something in its life.

I've got to say, I fell in love
with the Allegro myself.

Me too and the Bagheera
just kept going.

You never thought it would get
through that terrain,

how low it was at the start. Yep.
Both did well.

LAUGHTER

I presume you've left them
in the jungle, right? No,

we were never going to leave them
for the Sultan, were we? No.

Not a chance.

So, instead, we shipped our rare
car heroes back home

and we've given them a lick of paint
just to freshen them up.

Bring them in, lads. In they come.
In they come.

I love this car. I love this car.

Come on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWN SPEECH

Yeah!

I love this car.

Beautiful. That's all for tonight.

We'll see you next week.
Thanks for watching. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE