Top Gear (2002–…): Season 23, Episode 4 - Episode #23.4 - full transcript

CHRIS EVANS: Tonight,
Chris Harris serves up
smoked Aston.

-I can... I can smell chicken.
-(TOM KERRIDGE LAUGHING)

CHRIS: Tom Kerridge and I
smoke ourselves.

KERRIDGE: We are having
a car-beque!

CHRIS: And Matt
goes al fresco.

I'm gonna freeze my cubes off
if it gets any colder.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Hello. Welcome to Top Gear.

Oh, yes! Now,
very busy show this evening.
So let's get right on with it.

This is officially
the maddest car

any of us have ever
clapped eyes on.



So insane, in fact,
that you cannot actually
drive this anywhere

in the UK, at all.

Yup, that's right.
So to cut it loose,

Chris Harris had to take it
all the way to Abu Dhabi.

-Over there... There.
-Yeah.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-There?

CHRIS HARRIS: This is the
Aston Martin Vulcan,

named in honour of Britain's
legendary Cold War bomber,

which is quite a bold name
to give a car.

The Vulcan, after all,
was one of our finest

engineering feats
of the 20th century.

Calling your car Vulcan
is like naming your child
Ace or Elvis.

It's got a lot to live up to.

(ENGINE REVS)



The Vulcan is the fastest,
most powerful,

most extreme Aston Martin
ever built.

HARRIS: 0-60,
less than three seconds.

Top speed, more than
200 miles per hour

and that's with a huge wing
on the back slowing it down.

Brake horsepower?

Well, that depends what you do
with your knob.

This knob here cranks
the power from 550 horsepower

to 820 horsepower.

Now Aston Martin has asked me
to leave it in position one,

while I get to grips
with the Vulcan,

because she can be
a bit lively.

Whoops!

Phenomenal!

It's like having
your internal organs

put into one of those
old-fashioned mangles.

Because the Vulcan
looks like it's time travelled
from the future,

you might think all this speed
comes from some cutting-edge
hybrid wizardry.

But it doesn't.

In fact,
to tell you the truth,

the Vulcan is a bit of a
knuckle-dragging caveman.

Unlike, say, Ferrari,

Aston Martin doesn't have
an F1 team

from which to borrow tech.

But it does have a proper
British "can-do" attitude.

So the Vulcan hails
very much from the

"make the most of
what you've got"
school of engineering.

And its engine started life
in an old Ford Mondeo.

Well, actually,
two old Mondeos.

Back in the '90s,
Aston got a couple of V6s

from the first generation
Mondeo

and kind of gaffer-taped
them together
to make a V12.

Okay, as time's gone on,
they've upgraded it

to the point that
they've redesigned it

and it's now got double
the power output.

But the fact is,
the most powerful Aston Martin
ever made

is powered by the leftovers
of a couple of family saloons.

But does that matter?

Well, not really.

Humans share 60%
of their DNA with chickens

but you don't see
many roosters on
University Challenge, do you?

And when your Mondeo engines
sound like this...

(ENGINE REVS LOUDLY)

...who cares?

-Just listen!
-(ENGINE REVVING)

Yes!

It is like the fastest
racing car I've driven
in a straight line.

It's like a big GT car,
a big Le Mans car.

Just fantastic!

And because Aston
hasn't bothered with
heavy hybrid stuff,

the Vulcan's light and agile,

which means it's very good
at doing this.

Well, this is fast here!

115 miles
an hour through a left.

Same again through a right
on the exit.

Lean on the wing and then just
smash the throttle open.

I'll never tire of that.

Just hanging in your belts.
So physical.

I have to admit that

I'm kind of at the limits
of the speed I can carry

and talk at the same time.

I have to concentrate.

So instead of telling you
how quick this thing goes,

since we've got the
Yas Marina Formula 1
circuit to play on,

let's have a little
demonstration instead.

One lap of the track,

me and the Vulcan
against this.

The V12 Vantage S,
573 horsepower,

capable of 205 miles per hour.

The fastest road-going Aston
you can buy.

And in it is Darren Turner.

He is also seriously equipped.

Darren is a two-time
class winner at Le Mans.

Not what you'd call
slow, then.

Oh, and just to make
things interesting,

Darren gets
a 20-second head start.

Probably ought to
warm the tyres up.

I think they are warm enough,
aren't they?

So, with Darren now
a good half mile
up the road,

let me show you what
the Vulcan's really made of.

At 200 miles per hour,

this car creates its own
body weight in downforce.

So, in theory, you could
drive it upside down.

However, in practice...

My face is bending.

Such a positive thing
to drive.

And 'cause you've got
downforce, you can fling it
at these fast turns.

And once you've
got through the twisty stuff,

more than 800 horses are ready
to close the gap some more.

The power advantage
is enormous!

Oh, I can see him.
I can see him.

He's got well over
500 horsepower in that thing.

But we are catching him
like he's standing still.

I get to catch
a Le Mans winner.

Look at the way we just come
climbing past it.

Oh, yes!

Bye!

The Vulcan is really is
the very best of Aston Martin,

the very best of British.

It's bruising, it's brilliant.

MAN: (OVER RADIO)
Chris, pit now.

HARRIS: It doesn't challenge
the limits of technology,

but who cares?

It does make you feel
utterly alive.

MAN: (OVER RADIO)
Chris, do you copy?

HARRIS: This is a car
you just want to drive

and drive and drive.

MAN: (OVER RADIO) Chris?
Oh, come on, Chris.

(ENGINE REVS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING)

CHRIS: Brilliant!

-CHRIS: Wow!
-Yeah, yeah.

Chris Harris!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

CHRIS: Now, Chris,

I honestly think that
was the best track film

I've ever seen on Top Gear.

And I think we all agree,
don't we,
ladies and gentlemen?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

And please tell us that
your life flashed before you

as often as it
looked like it did.

Look, it was the most
exciting, visceral,

-sweaty driving experience
of my life. It was amazing.
-(CHRIS LAUGHING)

I love it, I love the speed,
I love the name,

I love the fact that it's loud
enough to wake the dead.

But what's the catch?

Uh, the catch is the price.

-It's £1.8 million.
-Ooh!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

Whoa! That's like twice
the price of a McLaren P1.

You are correct.

And you can't drive it
anywhere in Britain?

No, you're right.
It's not road legal

and it's so loud,
it busts the noise limits

for every single circuit
in the UK.

Which means we can't
put it around our track.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

But we thought
we would anyway.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

It's time to turn it
over to our
tame racing driver.

Some say he thinks
Brexit is a laxative.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And that for tax purposes,
he's classified as a biscuit.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

All we know is he's called...

ALL: The Stig.

CHRIS: Can Stig tame
the ultimate Aston Martin
thus far?

Damp conditions today
just to keep him on his toes,

if indeed he has toes.

Stig with the Vulcan's
power knob cranked
to the max, of course.

More than 800 horsepower,
a V12 insanity.
Look at that go!

There's the Stig.
Stealthy focus,
focus stealthy.

Through Chicago!

There's heat in those
huge tyres by now.

Into Hammerhead.

You can see the heat pumping
from those side exit exhausts.

Super stable again.

That wing doing its job.

Oh! Little twitch on the exit.

And the Follow-Through...

(LAUGHS) Look at that!

It's almost taken off.

Hard on the carbon brakes.
So hard.

Just 24 Vulcans will ever
be built out of carbon fibre
and pure insanity.

Last corner
and across the line!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING)

Now, the Aston Martin
Vulcan here

can't go on the board,
it can't go on the board.

-(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
-Because it's not a road car

and those are the rules,
which is a shame,

and which is why
we've accessorised

our famous Power Lap Board
with this...

The Power Flap.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-CHRIS: I know! I know!

Crazy!

Now, this Power Flap

is for naughty cars
and naughty laps only.

And the first ever car
on the Naughty Lap Board

is indeed the Vulcan
with a time of...

And it was damp, remember?
But it's still brilliant.

1:15.2.

-There you go.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Which is very naughty.

Shh. Don't tell anyone.

So, trains,

now bear with me,
£3,660, that's the price
of a one-way ticket

from London to Venice on the
Venice Simplon-Orient-Express.

They say it's the most
luxurious way to cross Europe.

We say... Well,
tell them, Sabine.

Anything trains can do,
cars can do better.

-That's right. That's right.
-(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

So to prove we can have
a better time driving than
inter-railing, stick with me,

the producers gave Sabine,
Chris and myself
the price of the ticket

to buy a luxury car for
a luxury road trip to Venice.

Tarmac versus train.
A challenge was born.

-Love a challenge!
-Okay.

Yeah, of course, we needed
a guinea pig on the train,

but who would
selflessly volunteer
for two days

of butler service
and five-star cuisine?

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Me.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

EDDIE JORDAN:
London Victoria Station,

starting point for my
luxury rail journey.

For a leisurely trip
across Europe,

frankly, this is the only way
to travel.

Morning, Mr Jordan.

-May I take your luggage?
-That's very kind of you.
Thank you.

-Welcome aboard. If you'd
like to follow me now.
-Thank you.

(CONDUCTOR BLOWING WHISTLE)

EDDIE: Bellini's in hand,

bye-bye, Victoria Station.

Hello, Venice.
Let the journey begin.

Yes!

I will spend the next two days
travelling across France,

Switzerland,
and Italy to Venice,

cossetted in
timeless elegance.

CHRIS: Not so fast, Jordan.

One of the luxuries of driving
is no timetables.

So, by the time
Eddie had boarded
his train in London,

we were already
across the Channel.

And if it's the timeless
elegance that really counts...

I bagged a beauty.

So here we are
on the open road in France,

in the gorgeous
2002 Jag XJ Exec.

This car cost £2,100,
and everything works.

There was the heated
electric seats.

Climate control.
All that leather.

Not to mention a 3.2 litre V8.

For the money,
you really can't buy better.

What a dream machine!

Honestly, I have got love
for this car already.

So subtle, so stable.

I could drive this forever.

SABINE: Well, I like my cars
understated yet imposing.

And that means I like
my Audi A8.

I paid £2,750 for this car.

But it's high-end
German quality.

As you English say,
"You get what you pay for."

And I have just as much
leather stuff as the Jag,

but I also have
four-wheel drive,

satellite navigation

and a slightly more economical
2.8 litre V6.

But the real reason
why I bought this one,

I love the wheels.

The 20-inch rims,
they are amazing.

Real bad boys' wheels.

CHRIS: Sabine and I were more
than happy with our choices.

Now what about Matt?

MATT: So you are probably
wondering why I chose
a bike for this trip.

Well, that's simple...

This is not just any bike,
this is the Gold Wing,

the ultimate touring machine.

Yes, just £2,500 bought me

this 1989
vintage grand tourer.

Not only would it out-drag
the other two

with its 1.5 litre,
flat 6 engine,

it also has air suspension,
so it's easy on the ass.

And that's straight
out of the brochure.

It really is nice.
Very comfortable.

Very smooth motor.
Very quiet, very nice, like...

Just hums along.

And these plains...
I don't know what the hell
they are growing here,

but it smells like (BLEEP).

(MOBILE RINGING)

CHRIS: Hello, Eddie.
EDDIE: (OVER PHONE) Yeah,
Chris, how is it going, boy?

-It's going fine. How is
it going with you, Eddie?
-EDDIE: (OVER PHONE) Chris,

I can't tell you.
This is absolutely amazing.

But I've got
something for you.

-I've just received
a challenge.
-Come on.

EDDIE: Head to Paris,

where you will each collect
a Michelin star chef

who will join you for the next
leg of your trip.

You will drive them
to a glitzy chateau in Leon.

En route, each chef
will prepare a dish,

which on arrival
you will present
to one of the world's

toughest restaurant critics.

Okay, all right. Erm...

I'll pass that
on to my two friends.

Immediately, there was an
obvious problem for one of us.

I have to cook a meal
on the bike?

Well, at least another
human being
to keep you warm, Matt.

(LAUGHING)

MATT: Okay, now, I'm always
up for a good challenge but...

How do you... I mean,
am I supposed to...
How are we...

Is it even possible to...
Wha... I...

What?

Well, we just have to find
the chefs.

CHRIS: And then,
right in the middle of town...

Chefs. I can see chefs.

We got chefs.

Proper chefs at that.

None other than Tom Kerridge,

Tom Kitchin and Ollie Dabbous.

All world renowned,

Michelin starred maestros
at the top of their game.

This was becoming
serious-ish.

Hey, Tommy!

Nice motor. Brought
the ironing board.

What's this... Why, mate...
How are you?

-Thank you. You all right?
-What a laugh!

-I'm looking for a chef.
-KITCHIN: I'm here, I'm here.

Whoo-hoo!

-How are you? Oh.
-Ah! Great to see you.

-How are you? Good, yeah.
-Hey, Matt, you're good?

-Okay, this, uh...
-This thing got a trunk?

It's quite a bit of gear...

We'll figure something out,
how much stuff you got?

-MATT: Wow! Okay.
-A bit. A bit of stuff.

What is all this?

CHRIS: So with a bit
of careful packing

and huge relief

that at least
I wasn't Matt LeBlanc,

the inaugural episode

of Top Great
British Master Menu Chef Gear
got underway.

-KITCHIN: All right!
-Whoo-hoo!

(LAUGHING)

CHRIS: With the advantage
of four wheels

and, well, not being outside,

the two Toms
got straight to work.

Now, you gotta go careful,
I got a knife, right, so...

Yeah, tell me when you want
me to be especially careful.

Well, just at this point
it might be quite good

'cause I am spatchcocking
the chicken,

so I'm gonna be
cutting his back bone out.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

CHRIS: Meanwhile,
over in the Audi,

Sabine was receiving
a few pointers.

So what we're gonna do is,
we're gonna put the pulp

-into the pillow case.
-(SABINE EXCLAIMING)

My grandma would die.
You'll never get
the colour out.

CHRIS: Sabine, however,
had a few pointers of her own.

Right. Now we've got to
trim this fish up.

So, my grandma would say
there was a lot of fish

still on the bones.

Would she now?

-Has your grandmother...
-SABINE: What a waste!

Has she filleted many fish
in the back of an Audi?

-(LAUGHING)
-Eh?

CHRIS: Sabine laughing,
Tom not so much,
but he carried on.

Mmm!

-All right.
-Oh!

My grandma would put
some lemon on top as well.

Your grandma needs
a slap in the chops.

CHRIS: Over on the Gold Wing,
Matt had already realised

that to even start
cooking, first
they'd have to stop.

Hey! Nice.

-Okay, I'm freezing.
-(LAUGHING)

CHRIS: And Ollie
had brought a friend.

-MATT: Hey! Hold on,
that's a different movie.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)

-MATT: What are you gonna
to do with that?
-Um...

I didn't really
think it through, but, uh,

we're gonna take the jowl off,
just this bit of meat here,

and we're gonna slow-cook it
between now and later on.

So hopefully,
maybe on top of the exhaust

if you wrap it in tin foil.

-MATT: Okay.
-Or, uh...

Or maybe by the front engine.

Oh, oh...

CHRIS:
This was a breakthrough.

And soon, with Tom and Sabine

having put Granny Schmitz
to one side...

KITCHIN: I was made
for this Audi.
SABINE: Made for this!

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

CHRIS: We all came
to the same conclusion.

So, approximately how long
do you think we need
to leave it in there?

-How long before
we get to Lyon?
-Five hours.

-Five hours is perfect.
Perfect.
-(LAUGHING)

CHRIS: On the move again,
we were proving
beyond question,

that our luxury vehicles
were easily a match
for Eddie's train.

And as we
clocked up the miles...

(LAUGHS) I can...
I can smell chicken.

-Can you smell chicken?
-I can smell chicken.

(KERRIDGE LAUGHING)

We are having a car-beque.

CHRIS: But as cold day became
really freezing cold night,

Ollie still faced some issues
with Matt's al fresco kitchen.

How's it going?

I got one out of three so far.

-I don't really like
asparagus that much anyway.
-(LAUGHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

MATT: To make matters worse,
over on the Smug Express...

WAITER: Your beef, sir.
EDDIE: Oh, grazie mille,
thank you.

WAITER: You're welcome, sir.

This looks delicious.

MATT: I hate
that Eddie Jordan.

Back on the Polar Express,
we were falling behind

and as we made
yet another stop

so that Ollie could actually
get something done,

I finally addressed
the elephant in the room.

MATT: Let me
ask you a question.
OLLIE: Shoot.

Do you think all this would
have been easier in a car?

OLLIE: (LAUGHS) Absolutely.

Easier but probably less fun.

Also, I think
if you are doing a challenge,
you want it to be a challenge.

I'd rather do that
than have it too easy.

-I don't believe you.
-(OLLIE LAUGHING)

It's quiet warm, too.

CHRIS: In the Jag,
we were discovering

our car-beque might not be
the flawless invention
we'd hoped.

KERRIDGE: The butter
has not even melted.

CHRIS: But it's trying
to melt.

-Mate,
the chicken's still alive.
-(CHRIS LAUGHING)

This is never gonna get cooked
in time.

Let's stick it in a hot,
hot, hot place.

-That's underneath the car.
-Yeah.

KERRIDGE: Okay, you ready?

CHRIS: Yep.

It's gonna be a tight squeeze.

-CHRIS: Ow! (BLEEP)
-(LAUGHING)

CHRIS: Still...

At least we weren't
stuck on the train.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

* Darling...

* My, my...

CHRIS: And with that
feeling of utter relief

driving us towards
the finish line,

Sabine was the first
to reach the chateau.

I'm so hungry.

Check on the fish.

-Let's check on the fish.
-Yeah.

CHRIS: Mmm, annoyingly,
the Audi car-beque
looked like it had worked.

-Hot, hot, hot, hot.
-Hot, hot.

CHRIS: But we were hot
on their tail in the Jag.

Wake up the judge.

-Kerridge is here.
-Judge, wake up. We are here.

CHRIS: Meanwhile, Matt was...

Okay, ready? Push!

...a bit further back.

(ENGINE REVS)

(OLLIE LAUGHS)

-Made it.
-All right, this is it.

Do you know who
they've got judging this?

Uh, I don't know.
I wouldn't worry about it.

Probably The Stig
in a chef's outfit.

CHRIS: Unfortunately,
Matt was wrong.

Yes, judging the dishes
in the inaugural episode

of Top Great Master British
Chef Menu Gear,

would be respected
restaurant guru Oliver Peyton.

Oh, Matt!

-OLIVER: Oh.
-I'm sorry.

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Sorry we're late.
-OLIVER: Well,
welcome, everyone.

Okay, shall we start?

WOMAN: Sabine and Tom
have prepared
sea bass en papillote,

served with asparagus
and truffle.

The lemon's
a bit punchy on the...

That's 'cause you took
the lemon slice.

You shouldn't have
put it on there if you didn't
want me to have it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

WOMAN: Chris and Tom are
serving exhaust smoked
spatchcock chicken

seasoned with rosemary, lemon
and black pepper.

That used to taste of chicken.

And it now tastes of...

Engine.

And that's the flavour
we were going for.

(ALL LAUGHING)

WOMAN: Finally, Matt
and Ollie have prepared
a roasted pork jowl

with juniper and caraway.

I'm surprised.
The jowl is good.

-I'll take that as
a compliment of sorts.
-(ALL LAUGHING)

No, it's a...
It's a compliment.
It's a compliment.

Okay, time to get serious.

The winner is...

-Tom Kitchin.
-(BOTH CHEERING)

(LAUGHING)

KERRIDGE: Well done, girl.

Well done, chief.

WOMAN: Bad luck, boys.
Still, could be worse.

* Mamma mia,
there I go again *

(VOCALISES)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Okay.

Coming up, part two
of the train film.

But Eddie, really?

Spoons? I mean, you don't get
a lot of spoons these days.

Matt, you can't believe it.

They loved me.

Well, of course they did.
What's not to love, huh?

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
the king of cutlery,

the Clapton of the kitchen,
Eddie Jordan.

(APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

Okay. Now it's time
to welcome tonight's
stars in a rally cross car.

How about Brian Cox
and Bear Grylls.

(CHEERING)

(WHISTLING)

Guys, double handshake. Right!

How are you, gentlemen?

Very, very good.

On this fine day.

Perfect conditions for
quick laps around
the rally cross course.

No excuses,
thank you very much!

I was hoping it'd be raining.

-What?
-I wanted an excuse.

I was hoping
it'd be a wet lap.

All right, so, first of all,

Brian, you tell us what
Bear's up to.

Well, Bear Grylls is here
to talk about his new novel,

Burning Angels,
which is out now.

And as we don't have
any video footage

because it is a book...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Here's Bear feeding
Barack Obama some salmon.

Why not?

BEAR: Okay, so you try
a little bit of this.

OBAMA: (STAMMERS)
Yes, let's try that.

Mmm. That's tasty.

BEAR: Well, that's proper
Alaskan salmon for you.

OBAMA: Bear is
a mediocre cook.

But the fact that we ate
something recognisable

was encouraging.

-CHRIS: Ah.
-(APPLAUSE)

Encouraging.

Here's my question
to you about that.

How'd you get the leader
of the free world

to come on your TV show?

Well, the White House
contacted us

and they said, "He's
a big fan of Running Wild.

"Would, um... Would you
take him on an adventure
to Alaska?"

But I thought it was, like...

I thought it was
a friend of mine's spoof.

You know, I thought,
"Oh, this isn't real."

But, er, you know,
it was definitely
a daunting thing to do.

And I remember ringing
my mum beforehand and saying,

"I'm so nervous
about doing this."

And she goes, "Just remember,
whoever they are,

"they put their trousers on
one leg at a time."

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-And, er...

CHRIS: Yeah!
BEAR: Which is true.

-Bear...
-BEAR: Anyway...

Your book, Bear, Bear Grylls,
Burning Angels, here we go.

The second outing
for Will Jaeger now.

Will Jaeger is a
"fictional character", okay?

Not based on
anyone we know at all.

-(LAUGHS)
-Does he not drive
the same car as Bear Grylls?

He does, he drives
a Land Rover.

Their thing is that
there are similarities.

Does he not use the same
knives as Bear Grylls?

-He does.
-All right.

Has he not been in a parachute
accident like Bear Grylls?

-He was.
-(CHRIS LAUGHS)

But this is kind
of where it ends.

Yeah, he's a much cooler,
much smarter, much better...

-Better looking version...
-You can't be any cooler
and smarter than you.

He is.

Although, he's got,
definitely, a dark side to him

and he gets taken on a pretty,
sort of, ugly journey.

I mean, somebody said,
"Oh, can I get my young scouts
to read this?"

And we do do these kids
fiction books as well.

And I said, "No,
this is an adult book."

And they went, "Adult?"

And I went,
"No, no. Not like...

-"Not an adult book."
-(ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah, I haven't drifted into,
you know...

-Bear's in the Bushes?
-So... Yeah. Exactly.

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-So, this is a grown up book.

It does go quite dark.

Can you tell us, please,
if you don't mind, Mr G,

what Mr C is up to.

I'd be delighted.

The very brilliant
Professor Brian Cox

has been filming a new BBC One
show called Forces of Nature.

It's out in July.

And here we have
an exclusive clip

of Brian taking off in
a Eurofighter Typhoon.

-Lucky you!
-Yeah. Yeah.

-Chasing the sunset.
-Come on!

(MUFFLED GROAN)

PILOT: (ON RADIO)
Radar turning six-nine

with you on the right turn,

heading in six-five-four...

BRIAN: (ON RADIO) I have
to say, that's the way to
depart an airfield, isn't it?

-CHRIS: All right!
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

How cool is that?

Now, Brian...

Me and G Forces,
we don't really get on.

So that was, uh, some G Forces
you were pulling there.

Tell us about
your pre-flight briefing.

(STAMMERING) They tell you,
um, things like,

"Well, we're gonna fly
Mach 1.4 towards Ireland,

"which is what
we're gonna do."

We were chasing the sun.

So the idea was
to show how fast
the earth is rotating.

And now we're travelling
at 600 miles an hour,

to get around
the axis of the Earth.
And yet we don't feel it.

So, it's an interesting
question in physics.

So the idea was
to outrun the sun.

So we... We gunned
this thing at Mach 1.4,
20,000 feet towards Ireland.

The sun came back up again,
'cause we outran the Earth.

And then, so I said to them,

"What happens if we just,
for television, we don't quite
get the sun up.

"Can we carry on
over Ireland?"

And, you know, you break
the windows and everything.
International incident.

And so I said,
"What will happen?"

And he said, "Well, they'll...
They'll see it coming on
their early warning radar.

"They'll (BLEEP) themselves,
and they'll launch
their Cessna."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Right, shall we get onto cars?

-I think we probably should.
-Okay, here we go.

Your car-off. So first car,
please, Bear Grylls.

My first car was a bright
green Fiat Panda convertible.

Like this one?

Oh, God!

Yes. I've got an older sister.

So I inherited it off her.

But it was cheap
and knackered when she had it.

By the time it got to me,
it was on its last legs.

Because it was convertible as
well, once you went over 30,

the roof would like,
(WHOOSHES) go back.

So then I had a climbing rope
tied around it,

and tie around my leg,
you know.

But yeah, it was...
I have fond memories.

So you're up against
the Fiat Panda, Brian Cox.

Tell us about
your first car, please?

It was a Ford Fiesta Mark 1.

Okay, Ford Fiesta Mark 1,
Brian Cox!

-CHRIS: Tell us about
that photo, please.
-(ALL LAUGHING)

That's what I used to look
like in the '80s.

Ah, it was a great car.

But, you...
Didn't you
over-mod your car?

Yeah, because
it was a 1.1 Fiesta.

So I think it was
about 50bhp or something.

And I had this thing called...
I think it was called
the K&N super, filter charger.

So you take the air
filter off the carburettor
and stick this thing on.

And you get it up to about,
I don't know what it was,
80-90bhp or something.

Uh, but I couldn't afford to
put bigger wheels on it,

or the suspension
or the brakes or anything.

So I ended up wrapped
around the lamp post.

Well, you know... (LAUGHING)

Oh, it just...
It couldn't handle the
slight extra power...

Well, you say...
Hang on a minute, Bear.
He says, okay?

He says, "It ended up wrapped
around a lamppost."

Weren't you racing
a Mini at the time?

No! No, no, because that would
be a naughty thing to do.

CHRIS: You were! You were.

He was... He was racing
a Mini at the time.

He crashed into a lamp post.

And then, he came up
with the greatest excuse
of all time.

Brian?

Motion is relative.

And so it is perfectly
possible to define myself

as being in what's called an
inertial frame of reference,

as long as l wasn't
accelerating in the car.

And therefore the lamp post
was moving towards me,

and that's, uh,
that's what happened.

So you're right, relativity
could have stepped in.

So, uh, car against car,
first car against first car.

Brian's Ford Fiesta
against Bear's Fiat Panda.

Okay, uh, which do
you think, first of all,

let's hear it for
Bear's Fiat Panda!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Let's hear it for
Brian's orbiting
Ford Fiesta 1.1!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

(LAUGHING)

First blood to you.

First blood to you, okay!

Best car ever,
Bear Grylls, here we go.

Well, I've got... I've got
an Ex-SAS Gulf War I
desert vehicle.

Whoo! Like this, you mean?

-That one?
-BEAR: That one.

It's perfect for
the school run.

(ALL LAUGHING)

To pick the boys up
at school.

That is obviously
a machine gun on the top.

I mean, if someone
puts a parking ticket on,

can you just swing
around like that?

CHRIS: But you have to
have it decommissioned,

that's part of the deal,
isn't it?

They're really boring
about things like that.

-They did make us
decommission it.
-Yeah.

But it's actually not
that hard to re-commission.

What are we gonna up
against with that?

Tough one to call this. Brian?

Best car ever, please.

Best car for me...

I've got... I've now...

The best car I've ever had
is my one I've got
at the moment,

which is a Jaguar XF.

-Jaguar XF, okay!
-BRIAN: I love it.

There you go.

Are you sure? That's the best
one you can come up with?

Well, I've never
had great cars.

I had the Fiesta,
I had an Escort that blew up

-on the motorway.
-CHRIS: Yeah.

-Uh, I had a Rover 213 SE.
-CHRIS: Yep.

That I drove into the side
of a transit van.

That wasn't my fault.

That was...
He went through...
He went through a stop sign,

and I ended up
sat inside the transit van,

in my written off
Rover 213 SE.

I was like, "It can't get
any worse than this."

But this a very safe car.

That's probably why
you've chosen it, I mean,

it does look like
it's ready to crash.

It looks like it's frowning.

It's like, "Oh, Brian's
gonna crash me now,
any minute now. Oh, God!"

Looks so tense, doesn't it?

I'm very careful these days.

Okay, so!

Uh, best car ever.

We have Brian's Jaguar XF,

against Bear's, what would
you like to call it, again?

-Desert military vehicle.
-CHRIS: Does it have a name?

Well, let's call it DMV.

-Okay.
-BRIAN: There's no
competition here.

There's no...
There's zero competition.

Well, it's all right,
you're one-nil up.
It's okay, it's okay.

Let's hear it for
Brian's Jag XF.

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-Nah.

CHRIS: Let's hear for
Bear's school run DMV!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

Even I think...

-CHRIS: It's one all!
-That's what...

It's perfect. It's poetry.

That is...
It's a beautiful car,
that car.

It's down to
the laps, everybody.
Here we go.

So we'll go, first of all,
shall we look at
Bear's lap first?

Okay, here we go.

(ENGINE REVVING)

CHRIS: Bear Grylls,
conqueror of Earth's
most hostile climates.

But can he conquer
our fearsome new track?

Oh, I love it. Gentle drive
in the countryside.

CHRIS: I'm sure you did.

But this is a competition.
Focus, Grylls. First corner.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

And off road we go.

Okay, come on, BG.
Hold it together.
Into the water.

CHRIS: The natural
habitat of a bear.

Tricky corner coming up.

Did he keep it under control?
Yes, he did.

Secret there to slow down
and not brake. Hammerhead.

And he's got a slide on!

Very good.

Back into the wild,
his natural habitat
for our second dirt section.

And the hairpin.

Bit of handbrake, yes or no?

No! (LAUGHING)

Well, that's okay.

Big jump! Whoo! (VOCALISES)

CHRIS: How much air
will Bear get?

Good air from Bear.

Might've lost it
a little bit back there.

But we're still
gonna win this.

CHRIS: Fighting talk
from Grylls.

Okay, just got to nail
these last two corners.

CHRIS: Easier said than done.

Wide line in to
second to last.

Final corner.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

A bonus extra bit of off-road.

And over the line!

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-CHRIS: Not bad.

What do you think?

Well, it wasn't...
It wasn't pretty.

But it was very fun. (LAUGHS)

-It was exciting, though.
-Thank you.

All right. Would you like to
see Professor Brian?

ALL: Yeah!

Brian? Looking at that lap,
does it worry you at all?

Yes, it looked smooth
and professional, that did.

-So I'm very worried now.
-Can I just say, the thing

is when you watch it...
It looks quite sedate,
Cut to us inside,

it's like, it's chaos
in there. It's like, whoa!

Yeah, 'cause the jump,
it feels like you're in
the air for a long time.

-And then when you see it...
-It looks like,
you just went plonk!

No, it's very impressive.
Okay, here we go!

-Brian Cox, on the line.
-(ENGINE REVVING)

Brian Cox, a space man,
in our rally cross Mini.

That's flat out all the way.

CHRIS: It looked like
good conditions out there.

Now they were warm and dry,

and no excuses for
a slow time, to be honest.

None whatsoever.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(LAUGHING)

Too fast.

CHRIS: Through the water!

Yes!

Nothing like a cold splash
on a hot day.

Toughest corner coming up.

(LAUGHING) This is gonna
be (BLEEP) up.

CHRIS: Very nicely dealt with.

Okay, Hammerhead looking good.

That looks tight. Looks slow,
so therefore it's tight.

Off road again.

Dust, huge clouds
like a Mexican rally stage.

And taking it wide, slow in.

Tight round, quick out.
Not bad.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

CHRIS: Ooh! You were there
for like a millisecond.

This is one
of the scariest things
I've ever done, actually.

CHRIS: Past the tyre wall.
Now that is really quick.

That is very, very quick.

He's a musician,
he's beautiful,
he's in motion.

His poetry personified.

Picture day,
round the last corner,

much tighter than Bear
and across the line!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Liked the look of that.
What did you think?

Those were... Yeah.

That, though, definitely
the least spectacular
of my efforts.

What would you prefer?
Drama to show your kids,

or a quicker time,
for your ego?

Yeah, all right. Quick time.

Okay, all right.
So here we go.

Let's go first of all,
Bear Grylls.

Great lap, good-looking lap.

Got to beat Gordon, come on.

CHRIS: Okay, so you want to
beat Gordon Ramsay, do you?

-Okay, well, Bear...
-It's ambitious, ambitious.

You completed our lap
in 1:50.4.

You've beaten Gordon,
my friend.

1:54.4, there you go.

-Third position.
-BEAR: Good.

Okay.

BRIAN: That's fast.

Right! Can I just say, Brian?

Forget everybody that's
either side of Bear, okay?

Because you two are so close,

it's only really
about you two.

-CHRIS: Okay?
-Really?

-Yes, honestly.
-Wow. Wow, nice.

Yeah, you're either gonna
be third or fourth.

But that doesn't matter, okay?
'Cause you're so close.

You are the two closest celebs
on the same show, all right?

It's just about this. Okay?

-Professor Brian Cox?
-Ah.

CHRIS: Less dramatic,
but was it quicker?

What if it was less dramatic
and less quick?

That'd be terrible.

-CHRIS: You can't go home.
-No, I can't... (CHUCKLES)

All right, Brian,
you did it in...

One...

Fifty...

Three point nine!
Congratulations!

And he's joint second.

Let's put it there actually.

Let's put him there
with Damian.

Okay, well done!

-Congratulations.
-Thank you.

-Well done.
-Thank you.

Bear Grylls and Brian Cox!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Now, there's been a lot of
talk about this next car.

Too much talk,
I don't think so.

Because this car might
just be on the cusp of
changing everything.

Not with a bang.
Not with a roar.

Not with a billowing
cloud of smoke.

But with stealth,
sophistication and silence.

Welcome to the future.

This is the Tesla Model X.

Yes, it's an electric car.

But the Model X
is an electric car

that might just do to
petrol and diesel

what the Ford Model T
did to the horse.

Not so long ago, most electric
cars were little more than

spruced up golf buggies
and about as refined.

But here I am in a spacious,
luxurious, six-seat SUV

that's aced every single
crash test it's ever been in.

Out there, in New York,

it might all be
kicking off big style.

But in here, I'm cocooned
in this bubble of serenity.

I don't have to worry
about changing gears,
cause there aren't any.

There's no engine noise,
cause there's no engine.

What's there instead isn't
all that ground-breaking.

A big Lithium-ion battery pack
sends power to

an electric motor
on each axle.

The usual drill.

The challenge has always been
about making this system work

on a practical level.

Getting you
where you need to go,
when you need to go,

without worrying
how far you need to go.

Tesla reckon this thing
can do 250 miles,

and it can be recharged in
as little as 30 minutes,

from one of
Tesla's Superchargers.

Which are free to use,
if you can find one.

Extra range means
extra weight, though.

This mid-size SUV weighs
more than a Range Rover.

But that extra bulk sits
below the floor,

which gives the Model X
a very low centre of gravity.

As a result,
it doesn't roll around.

I mean, it's no sports car.

But in the bends,
it stays surprisingly flat.

There's really not
an awful lot of feedback
from the steering wheel.

But because it has
no engine, and it's silent...

(TYRES SCREECHING)

You can hear the tyres
as they approach
the limits of grip.

And you're driving
with your ears.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(LAUGHING) It's a very strange
sensation, but I like it.

Electric motors give you all
of their torque from zero rpm.

Standstill.

You get all of the power
available instantly.

(WHOOPING)

(LAUGHING) It's not
acceleration as we know it.

But damn, it's addictive.
(LAUGHING)

And that's not
the only game changer.

The Model X has been equipped
with rear falcon wing doors.

Not only do they look cool,
they're practical, too.

Perfect, if you find yourself
blocked in at a car park.

How cool is that?

But I need to be in the front
to drive the... (SIGHS)

(GRUNTS)

Then, there's the bio-weapon
defence mode,

which provides medical grade
air filtration.

Hey, doc, how you getting on
back there?

DOCTOR: Just finishing up.

RORY: Everything clean?

DOCTOR: Nice and sterile.

RORY: And the futuristic
options list continues,

with autopilot.

Not only will it accelerate,
brake and steer for you,

but flick the indicator,

and it will even change
lane for you.

My God! That is very weird.

I'm totally freaked out
right now. (CHUCKLING)

Tesla reckon
their autopilot system is
actually twice as safe

as the average human driver.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

So, this is an EV that has
the range for the open road,

will keep you alive during
a chemical weapons attack,

and will drive itself.

Is this the car, then,
that will cure us

of our petrol obsession?

Don't need you,
don't need you.

I don't need you,
I don't need you.

I don't need you.

It's all very novel,
but to really succeed,

electric cars will
have to convince

die-hard petrol heads.

And they like stuff like this.

(ENGINE REVVING)

The Dodge Challenger Hellcat.

It doesn't have
a clever air freshener.

It has 6.2 litre
supercharged V8.

Perfect for a drag race.

So guys, what's going to win?

The most powerful production
muscle car in the world?

Or the family van?

ALL: Hellcat!

707 horsepower, bro.
You ain't gonna get it.

All right, we'll see.
We'll see.

-Get them groceries.
-(ALL LAUGHING)

What they don't know is,

I've got a little thing
called Ludicrous mode.

And in Ludicrous mode,

the Model X recalibrates
itself for maximum power.

And result is quite dramatic.

-Three!
-(REVVING)

-Two!
-(CHEERING)

One.

Go!

RORY: Oh, yeah!

Nought to 60
in 3.2 seconds.

(HELLCAT REVVING)

Electros for the win!
(LAUGHING)

I've destroyed him.

I've destroyed him.

MAN 1: Oh, he's got it!
MAN 2: No way! He got it!

What does that make me?
Am I still a petrol head?

What were you saying?
Hellcat who?

-Hellcat who?
-(LAUGHING)

I've nearly done 200 miles

driving all around
New York State.

I've done a drag race
which I won
and I've still got...

Let's see.
21 miles of range left to go.

That's unreal.

Could the Model X be it, then?

The actual car of the future.

Well, the oil's running out,
so something has to give.

But the Model X
doesn't quite have
all the answers.

Of course,
there are no emissions
from the Model X itself,

but it's only as green
as the energy you put into it.

If your power company's
making its juice by burning
rain forests and puppies,

then you can't exactly claim
the moral high ground.

And when it comes to the UK,

this family car is likely
to cost about £90,000.

So the Model X
won't be mobilising
the masses

quite like the Model T did.

But it is the start
of something.

Everything changes right now.

The Model X pushes
the reset button.

Forget cylinders
and super unleaded,

'cause the future
is cells and super capacitors.

There's no point
trying to fight it,
'cause you can't stop it.

The future is here.

And it's electric.

(ALL CHEERING)

Rory, talk to me.

I mean, this is
the congregation
of petrolheads.

-This...
-(CROWD AGREEING)

Yeah, this is the holy temple
of hydrocarbons.

Are you telling us
that the future is electric?

I knew that wouldn't
go down well,

but yeah, you got to face up
to it, man.

Electric is part of
the future.

Well, yeah, but the future
for me is like,

the Aston Martin DB11,

the Bugatti Chiron,
the new Ford GT.

I like all of those cars,
but they still use

old technology,
they compromise.

Electric power gives you
no compromises.

You don't have to choose
between performance

or practicality
or eco-friendliness.

You have all three things
in one package.

Yeah, yeah.
Okay, well,
just out of curiosity,

next week,
you're driving the new
Jaguar F Type SVR, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The one with that big,
massive V8 gasoline
engine, right?

Mmm-hmm. Sure am.

-How was it?
-Awesome. I want one.

-You do?
-You need to drive it, man.
It's incredible.

-You loved it?
-Yeah.

-Loved it?
-Loved it. (LAUGHS)

Ladies and gentlemen,
the slightly hypocritical
Rory Reid.

All right, now...

Back to our train film,

two cars and a motorcycle
on the road

versus Eddie Jordan
on the rails

and sometimes off the rails.

We set off early,
eager to cover the best miles
of the drive to Venice.

Mountains.

Nice road.

This way, the bike is nice.
I can enjoy the view
a little better.

I have no roof.

Good view but a cold ass.
(LAUGHS)

I'm gonna freeze my cubes off
if it gets any colder.

(LAUGHING)

MATT: Yes, as we swept
across the Alps,
spirits were high.

Ooh, beautiful.

Oh, this is so pretty.
Look at this.

Yeah, you don't get this
on the train. No way.

Beat this experience, Jordan.
Come on, this is gorgeous.

EDDIE: Well,
speaking of gorgeous,

there's only one thing
better than the trip
through the Alps,

and that's a trip
through the Alps
eating lobster.

CHRIS: Whatever, Jordan.

Look at this. Clear blue sky,
the mountain air in the Alps,

on the way to Venice.

What's not to like?

Well,
there's always something.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Hello, Eddie?

EDDIE: Chris, I've got
another challenge for you.

-Okay.
-It says...

"Today, you must travel
500 miles to Venice."

We're already doing that.

Good. "Your rendezvous point
is the prestigious

"Gritti Palace in the heart
of Venice.

"If you arrive after Eddie..."
That's me...

"The train has won."

Oh, that seems fair. How come?

Don't be late. Bye-bye.

CHRIS: With luxury
taking a backseat,

this was now a straight race
between road and rail.

Luckily, our early start meant
we'd already reached Italy

and were well on
our way to Venice.

But with Eddie looking steady,
if not slightly in the lead,

we had to get a move on.

Not to mention work out
how to actually reach
the finish line.

Can you drive
to the hotel, or...

What're we...
How're supposed to get there?

We don't have a boat.

That clearly remains
to be seen. Um...

Thankfully, though, Matt,
you and I have some
of our budget left.

-The German,
on the other hand...
-(CHUCKLES)

She may be swimming.

MATT: Yes, the race for
luxury grand tourer
bragging rights was on.

Even Eddie had
found another gear.

I need a word with the driver.

MATT: Although, clearly...

Venice... (SPEAKS ITALIAN)

...he had no idea
how trains work.

-(SPEAKS ITALIAN)
-Okay! Okay!

The race is on now, boys.
And girl.

Push, baby, push!

Chris, get out of my way.
I want to win the race.

CHRIS: As expected though,
the cost of Sabine's Audi soon
began to take its toll.

They want my money again.
(SOBS)

20...

My calculation says
that I have enough money

to fill it up to get to Venice

and maybe I have some
money left for the toll
as well. (LAUGHS)

It's really tricky.

CHRIS: And she wasn't
the only one with problems.

The Gold Wing's small tank
meant Matt was wasting
valuable time on fuel stops.

MATT: You know, the quicker
the pace, obviously,
the more fuel I use.

Probably have to stop for fuel
at least two more times.

It's going to be tight.

CHRIS: Matt may have been
falling behind,

but I was being distracted
by the world's most
irritating man.

You better make sure
you're there on time.

(MIMICKING EDDIE) Well,
you better get there.

-EDDIE: (ON RADIO)
Chris! Chris!
-You better get there.

CHRIS: Enough,
it was time to floor it.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Whoa! I just saw the first
sign to Venice.

While I started to reel
Sabine back in...

Go out of my way!
Mrs Schmitz is on the road.

(MIMICS HORNS)

...Matt's pace was getting
more and more economical.

I love these tunnels.

I hate this tunnel.

CHRIS: With night falling,
we closed in on Venice.

And with Eddie's train
stuck at Saga speed,

by the time he arrived, we'd
be breathing down his neck.

Well, when I say we,
I mean two of us.

My gosh! It's far to Venice.

But I think I'm in the lead.

We'll see.

CHRIS: Good luck with that.

Venezia. 10 kilometres, yes!
Come on!

I made it!

CHRIS: With Sabine's
cash flow now critical...

I have three pence left.

...as we hit Venice, this was
just the advantage I needed.

I've got loads of money left
from my initial budget,

so I can afford the quickest
water taxi transfer

to The Gritti Palace,
wherever that is.

So, I've got a chance.
I have got a chance.

EDDIE: No, he doesn't.

Hello, Venice.

Ah, taxi.

Here we are.

With no money
left for a water taxi,

I would have to find my way
to the finish on foot.

This is it.
This is the car park.

-Gritti Palace?
-Yeah.

Thank you. Grazie.

Water, check.

Water everywhere!

Excuse me?
Are you a water taxi?

Oh, we go this way.

Cutting it close.

Very, very close.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

CHRIS: Back in
the actual race,

I'd found a speedboat.

Honda. But we got to go!

However, immediately,
there was a problem.

Oh, yeah!

Venice, it seems,
has a water speed limit.

Well, here we are,
hurtling towards
The Gritti Palace

at seven kilometres an hour.

To make matters worse,

Sabine was covering the ground
like some sort of Terminator.

SABINE: Excuse me. Sorry.

Come on. Come on.
We need to get there.

Well, I haven't see Chris or
Sabine for about four hours,

so, I think I'm still
ahead of them.

Must be this way!

Come on! Yeah! (LAUGHS)

Go on, Gianluca.

This is the hotel.
I can see it.

Whoa! Sorry, sorry, sorry.

CHRIS: Gritti Palace,
we're here.

(GRUNTS)

-SABINE: Oh, nein.
-Sabine!

(GRUNTS AND LAUGHS)

Sabine, brilliant.

-(GROANS)
-Sabine, you are...

-I'm first?
-You're first here
from the other two.

Not Matt? Not here? Nobody?

Just you and me.
And I've just beaten you.

-(EXHALES SHARPLY)
-Oh, no.

EDDIE: Grab a seat.
SABINE: Oh!

EDDIE: Oh, my God!
SABINE: Oh, my goodness!

(ALL LAUGHING)

-EDDIE: She beat you.
-Hi.

We're here since couple of...
Okay, minutes.

Well done! Are you dead?

-You're not dead, are you?
-No, I had a great time.

You've never
looked more relaxed.

-I've had a couple
of days from heaven, man.
-Look at you.

Okay!

Home stretch.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

What a blast.

And well done to Eddie.
Victory for the train.

Completely undermining
the reason for Top Gear

but, you know, what the heck.

Excuse me!

For once, I was only
doing what I was told to.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Hey, oh! Hey. Okay. Okay.
Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.

Just one more thing,
now you had a great time?

-Absolutely.
-We had a great time.

-You won.
-Yes, of course.

We lost, however,
we got to keep these.

-Sabine?
-Yeah!

My Audi A8, un-destructible.

Yeah, I am never going to sell
my gorgeous Jag.
Never going to sell it.

Yeah, my Gold Wing, loved it.

For sale. Anybody want to buy?

(ALL LAUGHING)

So, Eddie, what
were you left with?

(LAUGHS) I got the spoons.

-(ALL EXCLAIMING)
-No! No!

Right, next week,

the Zenos and the BMW M2.

The Jaguar F Type
and the new Rolls Royce Dawn.

-Good night, everyone.
-Good night!