Top Gear (2002–…): Season 22, Episode 6 - Hammond Is Dropped Into British Columbia, Canada To Test A Watch With A Built-In Emergency Beacon - full transcript

Tonight, James experiences the sheer
grunt of a Chevrolet Silverado.

I go airborne in a Ford Velociraptor.

And Richard Hammond
carries some wood.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello, and good evening.

Hello. Now...

Thank you very much. A while
back I heard that Lexus

was working on a car called the RCF.

It would be a two-door coupe
with a five-litre V8 engine

and it would take on the smaller
AMG Mercs and M-powered BMWs.



And I was very excited.

I couldn't wait to give it
a spanking round our track.

And now I have.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

I expected it to be
sharp... but violent.

Raw, but civilised.

Powerful, but controlled.

I expected a bank of Tokyo hi tech...

.. with the exhaust
bark of a mad dog.

But actually it turned
out to be fat and useless.

REALLY fat.

With two people on board,
it weighs nearly two tonnes.

So look what happens when you put
it in a drag race with a BMW M4.

ENGINES REVVING



Three... two... one...

go!

The BMW just walks away.

I have 40 more horsepower than
he does and I'm being humiliated!

The enormous weight means it's
no good in the corners, either.

I have got many, many
different settings in here

and I've got G-SHIFT control,
whatever that is.

And VDIM.

I've got STANDARD, ECO, SPORT S,

SPORT S+, something called SLALOM.

Doesn't matter which one you select,

you just get yards and yards

of wearisome understeer

and then a lot of
electronic interference.

There is, however, another
setting in the RCF

which makes it even worse.

If you put it in SPORT+ and
then push this button here...

Look! I'm now in EXPERT mode.

It says it there.

I have told the car
that I am an expert.

I don't need the electronic
stuff, I can manage.

Oh, God!

Lurchy. That's the word I'm
looking for there. Lurchy.

It's really struggling
to deal with the weight.

Come on!

Why are you doing that?!

I'm an expert, look. Look how
I'm going round this corner.

That's an expert use of the
- Oh, I'm on the grass.

The simple truth of the matter
is you can put John Prescott

in a pair of running shoes...

but it won't make him an athlete.

I really don't like this car.

I don't like the way it looks,
I don't like the way it goes,

I don't like the way it feels.

But what really annoys me,

what really gets my goat

is that I know Lexus
can do so much better.

A few years ago, they
gave us the LFA.

A car which, I'll admit, has
many faults and irritations.

The seat belt, for example, is
incredibly difficult to do up. Um...

There are no cup holders, it's
impossible to plug your telephone

or whatever into the stereo system,

and the fuel tank is the size
of a disposable lighter,

which means you have to fill
up every five minutes,

and then you have to get out,

and then it takes you a week
to do your seat belt up again.

I still haven't done it!

It's like giving myself
a prostate exam.

But these little things
pale into insignificance

when you unleash its
astonishing V10 engine.

ENGINE REVVING

It produces 552 horsepower.

That means 0 to 60 in 3.7 seconds.

It also means a top speed of 202,

and even more amazingly, it
revs from idle to the red line

in an almost unbelievable
0.6 of a second.

But the best thing is the noise.

ENGINE ROARS

It sounds baleful, it sounds
like a wild animal that's...

sad about something.

"Oh, nooooooooo!

"I've got my paw stuck!

"Ow!

"Ow!

"Ow!"

This is what I was looking
for in the new Lexus,

a sense that the engine is actually
alive, that it's a sentient being.

And there was more I
was looking for, too.

The LFA does not have
an EXPERT facility,

or a G-SHIFT thing, or VDIM.

It corners well because
it's well engineered.

And it's light - very light.

TYRES SCREECH

And I love the way that it
feels so violent and raw.

This car is simply out of this world.

And look at the
difference in styling.

See how one looks like that stupid
food that's drizzled in jus

and served on a bed of stupid beans

to idiots in over-priced restaurants.

And the other is as simple as
a freshly picked blackberry.

I know that this costs five or
six times more than the new RCF,

and I know it's full of carbon fibre
and all sorts of clever engineering

that you can't reasonably
expect to find

further down the fiscal food chain,

but surely they could have captured
the spirit of this car, the essence,

its soul, and transplanted
that into the RCF.

Surely they could.

Or maybe they couldn't.

Maybe the LFA is so good,

not even the people who made
it know how to make it again.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

~ Um, you said you were going
to give it a spanking.
~ Yeah.

But you gave it a kicking.

Well, it's rubbish. It is absolutely
rubbish. In fact, it's so bad

I'm not even going to bother
getting the Stig to take it

round the track, it would just
be a complete waste of time.

Oh, now, we ought to bring you up to
speed with the latest in car news.

Okie-doke.

A new Skoda coming out,
it's called the Superb.

There it is, mainly for mini cabbers.

But what you really need
to know is underneath,

if you peel away the body,
it's basically a Golf, OK?

There's another new Skoda, the Octavia
vRS, that's a Golf as well.

New Audi, RS3 Sportback, here it is.

That's a Golf.

~ New Skoda Fabia.
~ Ah, is that a Golf?
~ No, that's a Polo.

~ Is it? Oh, it's confusing.
~ It's not confusing.
~ It is.

No, it's not, it's
really, really simple.

All cars are basically a
Golf underneath, or a Polo,

or a Fiat 500,

except for this, this
is the Citroen DS5,

that's basically a
Peugeot, underneath.

And the Fiat 500X, that.

~ Well, is that not a Fiat 500?
~ No, that's an Alfa Romeo.
~ Is it?

Anyway, that's cleared up this
week's motoring news for you.

Moving on, do you remember
that six-wheeled

Mercedes G Wagon that I drove?
The six-wheel drive thing.

~ Yes, in the desert, yes, yes.
~ Yeah, a massive thing.

Well, Mercedes have now
announced that they're making

a four-wheel version of it.

~ Oh, there it is.
~ There, look at that.

So they've made a four-wheeled
version of the six-wheeled version

~ of the four-wheel car they already had.
~ I think it looks great.

Massive wheels made possible by
portal axles so it's raised up,

it's got about 422 brake
horsepower, I think it is,

from its V8 twin turbo.

It is quite costly.

£200,000 for that.

I know, I know, but if you look closely
it's got side pipes! Oh, yes!

And all of a sudden, ladies
and gentlemen, Richard Hammond

has become uncomfortable
in his trousers.

Well, I love... I do love side pipes.

I can tell that from the
shape of your front pipe!

Oh, is it showing? Sorry.

Oh, now, there's a sort of
motor racing, it's called GT3,

~ anyone seen it?
~ AUDIENCE: Yeah.

There's a picture of a grid here.
Look at it, it's just amazing -

Astons, McLarens, Porches, BMWs,
Nissan GT-Rs, fabulous series.

Yeah, very exciting because
you can recognise the cars.

But now Bentley has announced that
they're going to build a car

that's inspired by that race series.

It's called the GT3-R, here it is.

And it's a sort of stripped-down,
pumped-up, road-going,

two-seater version of the race
car. 580 horsepower, from its V8.

I like the look of that.

And, well, you'll like the sound,
because it's got a titanium exhaust

that they say gives
it a baritone roar.

So it's got Tom Jones underneath it.

~ Basically, they've strapped Tom Jones...
~ Poor Tom, "Whoa!"

~ That's how it sounds.
~ Aston Martin have got a very similar

sort of thing, called
a Vantage V12 GT3.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

~ Exactly, whoa, that is a V12, obviously.
~ Does look quite cool.

600 horsepower, so 20
more than the Bentley

and it's half a tonne lighter.

That is properly blowing
my frock up, that thing.

It really is. Philosophy news...

Everybody - no, don't groan, because
I know it sounds dreary but...

~ driverless cars are coming, as we know.
~ Yeah.

And somebody pointed out this week,

and I think it's rather a good point,

that they will have to make, from
time to time, ethical decisions.

What, like, should we
cancel Third World debt?

No, James, not that. You're
driving along, OK?

And you're heading towards an accident.
You're not driving, you're

sitting there. You're heading
towards an accident, it's going

to be fatal. The only solution
is to swerve onto the pavement,

but there are two pedestrians there.

What does the car do?

Wow, is this the Moral
Maze or something?

No, it's a genuine thing.

Cos basically you will have bought
a car that must be programmed,

in certain circumstances,
to kill you. It will go,

"Well, there's two there, there's
only one person in me,

"I'm going to kill him." And you'll
just have to sit there, as the lorry

~ comes and there's nothing you can do.
~ Well, maybe driverless cars

will have to come with,
like, an override button.

Just a big button with "ME" on
it. So, in a crash - save me!

~ Just hit that.
~ Or maybe it could have a sliding scale.

So you can say, look, if there's
a load of children on the pavement

obviously don't run them
down, but cyclists...

We are in dark territory
here, aren't we?

Well, the interesting thing
is, all of us are programmed,

because we're humans, cos
we're animals, basically,

to look after ourselves.
Self-preservation always kicks in

~ and you will swerve away from danger.
~ Not necessarily.

Oh, well, now you say that, but
recently scientists conducted

an absolutely awful, genuinely
awful experiment,

but with a very interesting result.

They got a load of monkeys with their
babies and put them in a box.

And then they heated the floor
up - this actually happened -

I, you know, I'm just reporting.

They heated the floor up till
it became really unbearable

and all of the monkeys picked
up their babies and held them.

But when the floor got hotter and
hotter until it was absolutely

unbearable, every one of them put
the babies down and stood on them.

GASPING AND GIGGLING

I'm... I'm surprised...

I'm surprised you didn't save this
for the Christmas show, mate.

LAUGHTER

What a lovely story,
what a nice tale(!)

I love a story!

I'm just saying, these driverless
cars, everybody goes,

"Aren't they clever? They
can stop at red lights."

They are going to have to
face all sorts of things,

like who do I kill now?

We are programmed to look after
ourselves and these driverless cars

are going to be programmed
to do the maths and say,

"A lot of people over there,
I'm going to kill you."

And whether to stand
on a baby monkey.

LAUGHTER

Now, Brooklands, world's first
purpose-built racetrack,

~ do you remember it?
~ Well, no. He will.

Oh, yeah, he will, obviously.

We've got some footage of
it here to remind everyone.

This was just outside
London, and look at it,

everybody walked fast and were
in black and white in those days.

And you went unbelievable - look
at this, 120mph on the banking.

And then there's James May,
look, in his pedal car.

And then it was just fantastic.

But the war started, they built an
aeroplane factory on the circuit

and that was the end of that.

Ever since, there's been a group
of enthusiasts who want Brooklands

to reopen, and last week, actually,
they were given a grant

by the lottery people
of £4.6 million.

And I just think that's going to be
brilliant. Get that back - Astons,

Bentleys belting around
at the weekend,

Fotherington Sorbet wheel-to-wheel
with the Duke of Wyndham.

It's a very good idea for an
appealing Sunday afternoon,

watching the toffs kill themselves.

You just pop down the A3
on a Sunday afternoon,

"Let's go and watch the Earl
of Bradford's head come off."

~ How much did you say they'd been given?
~ £4.6 million.

Well, that's not enough, is it? The
shopping centre next to our office

~ cost one and a half billion.
~ Yes, exactly, it isn't very much,

you're quite right,
well spotted, Hammond.

In fact, all they can afford
to do with that is rebuild

the start/finish straight.

Hang on, just the start/finish
straight of a race circuit

~ is not much use in itself.
~ No.

Unless they spend all 4.6
million on lottery tickets.

It's lottery money, they can take the
grant, spend it on lottery tickets

~ and win a lot more.
~ Good thinking from Richard Hammond there,

he's saved motor racing
for the nation.

Now, I know this is a car show,
but please bear with us,

because I want to talk about this.

It's one of those watches
that's worn by people

who play golf and do business.

And they're always banging on about
these pins that you can see here.

Yeah, they say that if they pull
those pins out, the watch will send

their precise position
to a team of professionals

who will come and rescue them.

So, if they're out climbing a mountain
or rowing across an ocean...

Which they aren't, cos they're
playing golf and doing business.

But if they were doing those things,
and something went wrong,

~ then thanks to their watch, they'd be OK.
~ Ah, but would they?

To find out, the producers decided
that one of us should be dumped

somewhere with minimal kit,
with virtually no food,

somewhere very, very remote
to see if the system works.

Well...

.. that's it.

I am now marooned here,

wherever the hell here is.

Bloody hell.

My only hope now is my watch.

So... it's time.

Undo this.

There.

And then pull that bit out...

And that's it done.

Pulling those pins activates a
distress signal that's picked up

by a LEOSAR - Low Earth
Polar Orbit Satellite -

which then forwards
my exact coordinates

to a central command centre.

The team here then scramble
the nearest highly-trained

search and rescue unit, who arrive
at my location within hours.

Sadly, however, today the scramble
command has not been sent

to a highly-trained search
and rescue unit.

HAMMOND PANTS

.. running on petrol.

It's a brilliant idea, and I'm
not sure the Ferrari does that.

I think it does, but I think they're
just being honest about it cos

they're recognising that it's a
means of improving the efficiency.

~ Is that your bag ringing?
~ BEEPING

Oh, I think this is the signal
from our esteemed colleague

~ Richard Hammond.
~ Is it? Where is he?

Wait a minute. He would appear
to be in... Africa, is it?

Let's have a look.

No, I think you'll find that is...

Canada.

Specifically the Rockies.

Crikey! Um... actually,
that is quite serious.

We really do need to get on
this, James, so, excuse me...

could we see the pudding menu?

Right...

.. that bit suspends off this bit.

That watch transmits for 24 hours.

And then that's it.

Right, so this is the
mountain, there's my tent.

Mountain, trees, hills.
This is all we are.

There's a cameraman,
a sound recordist

and a bloke from the office
and he's just a media luvvie.

I know you think there's
a five-star hotel

just down there, but there's not.

Nothing else. There's no
survival experts here.

Fact of the matter is I'm
completely stuck until

Yogi the boar and Boo-Boo get here.

Knowing we were his only hope,

we had some important
decisions to make.

Raunchy apple fritters sounds quite
interesting. Or pancake with cheese.

James, James, James.

You know in the colonies, Australia,
South Africa, America,

~ Canada and so on, everybody
loves pick-up trucks, yes?
~ Yes.

Well, why don't we get a pick-up
truck to go and rescue Hammond in?

Because pick-up trucks generally
only have two seats

and there would be three of
us when we've rescued him.

Why don't we get two pick-up
trucks, one for you, one for me?

It would A, increase our
chances of finding him,

~ and B, there'd be a seat to get him back in.
~ But...

In Thunderbirds, inevitably
1 and 2 kind of went first,

~ didn't they, always.
~ Yeah.

Alan and... No, not Alan - who
drove Thunderbird 1? Scott.

~ Virgil.
~ No, Virgil was 2.

~ Was he 2?
~ Scott was 1,

Virgil was 2, Alan was 3,

~ Gordon was 4.
~ Gordon!

In Canada, the temperature
was a bitter minus 10,

so I urgently needed some warmth.

What would have been wrong
with giving me a lighter?

Can't get my fire lit.

Cold beans.

They're a bit frozen in the middle.

'Having finished our lunch...'

I'm not sure about the red, you know.

'.. we went to book some
flights to Vancouver.'

~ OK, you've actually just missed
the last flight out today.
~ Have we?

~ Yeah.
~ Oh, what a rotten bit of luck.
Shall we go and get another drink?

There's a Delta One that leaves
at ten o'clock tomorrow morning.

Don't like Delta's seat upholstery.

Would you go from Manchester?

Manchester, no, you know, this
is the BBC, it think it would be

idiotic to go to Manchester, I
mean, that would be just stupid.

There's Lufthansa.

Stewardesses wear trousers.

~ There's one from Gatwick
which goes via Calgary if...
~ Gatwick?

~ He doesn't like Gatwick.
~ I hate Gatwick.

WOLF HOWLS

Out there somewhere...

.. there are...

bears.

As many as 180,000 black bears.

I can't remember what it
was, about 15,000 grizzlies.

ICE RATTLES

Freezing.

In the morning I was cold and
exhausted from lack of sleep,

but most of all, I was anxious.

Any minute now.

Any minute.

I mean, they've had 24 hours.

I mean... 24 hours.

You can get anywhere in the
world in 24 hours, surely.

Where the hell are they?

~ I can't remember...
~ James.

~ It's stopped beeping.
~ Well, yeah, it would.

~ Why would it?
~ Cos the watch thing only
transmits the distress signal

for 24 hours, then
the battery runs out.

~ Seriously?
~ Well, yeah, it's only...

Well, did you make a
note of where he was?

Well, no, I didn't.
You've got the thing.

Well, I... I remember he
was on something called...

I think it was Wolf Mountain,
and you go up Bear Pass.

Sounds grizzly.

~ HE LAUGHS
~ That was a good joke.

No, actually, do you know the
biggest problem is not bears

and wolves...

cougars. Loads of cougars.

~ Well, that's all right, then.
~ No, not that sort of cougar.

Actually, a "Grrrr!"
That sort of cougar.

~ Oh, you mean like a big cat thing?
~ HE SNARLS

As I couldn't move from the spot
where the watch had transmitted

the distress signal,

I was hard at work trying to make
my life here more comfortable.

I want somewhere to sit.

I can't sit on the snow
so I'm building a shelter.

HE STRIKES FLINT

Spark, you bastard.

There we go, we have fire.

'And with my supplies dwindling,
I also needed to think about food.'

"Animals for food.

"Guinea pigs.

"All animals can be a
source of nourishment.

"A few, including worms and insects,
can be collected with little skill."

I'm bored, I'm cold, I'm unhappy,
I'm hungry, I'm scared.

Ahh! Ahh!

And I don't want to be wearing a hat!

Just for a minute. Oh.

'To alleviate the boredom,
and stave off the cold,

'I tried to make some
SAS-style pine needle tea.'

Ah!

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Where are they, just where?!

'Unfortunately, we were a little
bit delayed at Vancouver Airport...'

Yes, of course.

'But eventually we made
it to the car park,

'where our pick-up truck rescue
vehicles were waiting.'

~ James.
~ Yeah.

That's not a light - that's
a collapsed sun, isn't it?

Yeah, never mind that, look.

Mine is actually... comes
up to my nipples.

I didn't realise it was... And do
you know what the other thing is?

If I actually find Richard Hammond,
I'm not going to see him, am I?

I'll just run straight over him.

Have you noticed something
else about mine?

This entire vehicle is
a transportation device

for its own spare wheel, look.

~ That's all the back's for!
~ That's really stupid.

~ It's preposter...
~ Look at the size of it.
~ Look at it!

Anyway, listen, we've got
everything we need here.

I've got a big warm coat,
I've got a massive car,

a rough idea of where
Richard Hammond is.

Yeah, so let's go...

into Vancouver, get a hotel,
good night's rest,

get rid of this jet lag.

It's not funny. I don't know what...

They've got to get here tomorrow.

Morning. Early.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Um...

Hold on.

Hold on a minute.

Can I just make something clear?

That's the first time I've seen
this film and, um, I'm sorry,

you two went into Vancouver.

~ Well, yes.
~ To get rid of your jet lag.
~ Yes.

No, tiredness kills, Hammond.

~ Haven't you seen those
signs on the motorway?
~ Exactly.

What annoys me as well here is
that you chose to do it in big

~ American pick-up trucks.
~ Well, that's a good idea,

because we hardly ever do big American
pick-up trucks on Top Gear.

I know, I'm always
campaigning to do them.

I know, and in part two of the film,

we do them extensively on many
different types of terrain.

Yes! Without me! LAUGHTER

Oh, this is unbelievable! I've
never heard such ingratitude.

5,400 miles we travelled
to come and rescue you.

~ In slow motion.
~ Yeah, but we thought you liked tenting!

I do, in the Lake District
where there's a bit of drizzle

and you can go out for some cake,

not on top of a mountain at minus
ten, surrounded by bears!

Well, we'll find out later on
if Richard Hammond manages to be

grateful about any of this but, er,

now it's time to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.

Now, funnily enough,

my guest tonight spent quite
a lot of time in Canada as well.

Is she an ungrateful,
angry little man?

No, no, she isn't, actually. She
is the star of both The X-Files

and The Fall - ladies and gentlemen,
it is Gillian Anderson!

CHEERING

~ I'll kiss you.
~ I hope so.

CLARKSON LAUGHS

Excellent. Thank you
so much for coming!

So you can remember my
name throughout the show?

No, it goes on there.
Eventually it goes on there.

But I did have to look
whether it was a J or a G.

Now, one of the things that
amazes me is you today joined

a very small band of people
who have been on this show.

~ Including...
~ By doing the worst time ever...

~ We'll get to that later.
~ OK!

How did you know? No, no, no!

~ Benedict Cumberbatch, Simon
Cowell, Michael Gambon and you.
~ What?

All... Everyone's offered a car
and driver to come down here

~ but you said no, no, I'll drive myself.
~ Yeah.

~ And you did drive yourself.
~ I did drive myself.
~ Very rare.

Have you got a problem with drivers
or you just like driving...?

~ I just like being in control, I think.
~ Really?

Ultimately, no, I do like
dri... I drive everywhere,

~ I drive everywhere.
~ You grew up in England, didn't you?

A lot of people have been
very surprised to hear you

~ talking with an English accent.
~ Yeah.

~ But you actually did grow
up, grew up... Was it London?
~ London.

~ You grew up in...
~ Crouch End and Haringey.

~ But then you learned to drive in America.
~ At 16.

At 16. And it was a Volkswagen
family that you'd come from?

Well, when we were living
in London we had a Beetle,

an old original body Beetle, the
skinny ones with the pointy tops.

And then when we moved
to Grand Rapids, Michigan,

we got what's called a Rabbit
which I think a Golf...

A Volkswagen Golf is a Rabbit.

~ An actual rabbit.
~ Yeah, yeah, but I think
they're the same thing.

No, a rabbit's... not a car.

That's what I, that's what I,
that's what I... It does exist.

Yes, it does. So anyway,
so you learn to drive at 16.

~ Yes.
~ In the States. And it went well?

Yeah, yes, no, no, it went very well

and then you were kind of
on probation for a period

of time when you get your driver's
licence, where you can drive

but you have to have somebody who
has a driving licence in the car.

~ OK.
~ And, um, and I didn't on
the first time I went out

and got into two car accidents
on the same day.

I was literally, I swear to God,

going to my very first acting
class, and I got rear-ended,

and I thought it was my fault.

And so I said, "I'm so
sorry, just go, go away."

And I didn't get any information,

and then had to pretend later
that I got hit in a parking lot.

They must have thought all their
Christmases had come at once,

somebody apologised for being
stationary when they ran into them.

So what was the second one?

I was trying to parallel
park and swung out and

side-swiped a woman in
a large, uh, old Cadillac

and she, she was very large
and her son was very large

and they had a very
large baseball bat!

And they were determined that
they were going to get money,

so they followed me home.

~ With a baseball bat.
~ With a baseball bat.

And I walked up to the front
door, my mum answered

and there were these two people, um,
wanting money, standing behind me.

And she had the sense of
mind to look in her wallet

and pretend that she only had 20,
and so she gave it to them and...

~ And they were happy?
~ And sent them on their way, yeah.

So, anyway, you grew up in
the UK, ended up in America,

ended up acting, obviously, so
presumably you end up in Los Angeles

~ at some point.
~ Yes.
~ What car did you have once
The X-Files had taken off?

Well, while I was, I don't know
why, but when we were shooting

in Vancouver, I had a Boxster,
um, and then while we were in LA,

I did a commercial and they paid me
in a car and I got to choose a car.

So I chose an old body 911.

~ 911?
~ Yeah.
~ I'd have gone for a Veyron.

Well, I'm sure that the budget,
uh, restricted me to a degree.

~ Oh, I see, it wasn't like ANY car.
~ It wasn't ANY car, but, yeah.

~ So you're a fan of the 911 Porsches?
~ Yes, very much, yeah.

What is it that you like about 911s?

Um, I liked about
that particular car,

I liked how much you could
feel the road in it.

It felt, you know,
it's a very basic car.

I always think they're popular
in America cos 911's what you dial

~ if you crash.
~ Yeah.

AMERICAN ACCENT: So what do I...
Oh, I know, there's a number.

~ Cos it's the same thing.
~ That's not bad. That's not a bad accent.

I'm better in the south...
but that's about it.

So have you got lots of speeding
tickets or are you...?

~ I've had a few.
~ You have?

The nicest, um, the nicest
thing that ever happened

was in Canada on Christmas
Eve in Vancouver.

I was properly speeding and a
policeman pulled up beside me,

drove in front of me and
slowed me down and then

he put his hand out the window
and gave me the thumbs up.

And that was it. What's
properly speeding?

~ Probably about 110.
~ Miles an hour?

Yeah. How many tickets have you
got? Do you get a lot of tickets?

~ I've just got my first in 35 years.
~ No!
~ Yeah.

LAUGHTER

You know when you've got
an innocent face like mine,

you don't like to cause offence,
which I don't, then you get...

~ I smell bull
~ BLEEP.
~ It was...

LAUGHTER

The other one you had in Los Angeles,

~ didn't you have a Land Rover?
~ I had a Defe... Yes, I did.

I, um, I fell in love with the
idea of having an old-fashioned

Defender, a red one with a cream top
and it was as much the look of it

~ as anything else and they're a
~ BLEEP
~ pain in the arse to drive.

LAUGHTER They are.

The wheels are this big and they
turn, you have to turn the whole...

~ And there's no shoulder room at all.
~ No, I bought it for about 12,000,

I put about 35,000 into it,

and I sold it on a celebrity
auction for 12,000.

Cos it's only recently they've
started making cars...

BRUMMIE ACCENT: "Oh, right,

"you want them to last and work?
We never thought of that!"

~ They are quite reliable now.
~ You and your accents, very impressive.

~ Well, you know...
~ Was that Australian?

LAUGHTER

Anyway, it's time now to
talk about your lap. Cos...

~ My 2,765 laps.
~ Well, it was a bit like that.

You have set a record.
Most amount of laps done.

Cos most people come down and
do seven or eight. You...

~ What? Really?
~ Yeah. You did 22.
~ Oh!

~ I'm going to be brutally honest with you.
~ No. I... No, what?

Well, your first five were
all over two minutes.

~ Right.
~ Which is, um...

~ Yeah, off the...
~ Well, crap.

It sucked at the beginning.

It was wet and I couldn't even
I couldn't see the lines

and I got three hours of sleep
last night, that doesn't help.

~ Um...
~ Right, wet, couldn't see the lines.
~ Three hours' sleep, yeah.

~ Body working OK? Oh, stick shift on...
~ Oh, no, frozen shoulder.

~ OK, so that's good one, two, three...
~ But that... They're not,

yeah, excuses!

~ So.
~ Yeah, yeah.

Would you like to see your lap?

~ Yes.
~ Would everyone else like to?

~ AUDIENCE: Yes!
~ Here we go, let's have a look.

TYRES SCREECH

Whoa, that's a lot of power
on the... on the start there.

That's a dirty look.

Keeping it tight, very
tight through there.

Tyres being tortured.

~ Here we go.
~ This is good, this is really good.

SHE LAUGHS

And yeah, it is wet through there.

Well, moist.

~ My foot's on the floor.
~ Is it?

Right, now the Hammerhead.

Are we going to be too
brutal through here?

We are a bit, little
bit too much gas.

But held it all together nicely.

Keeping it in the middle
of the road on the way out

and, oh, that was a gear change.

I thought I turned
on climate control.

Don't get distracted with
the Follow Through looming.

Yes, nicely, that's very nicely done.

And, oh, very quiet and smooth.

Here we go, only two corners to go.

Oh, that was a sudden gear change
there and only Gambon left.

Very nice through there
and across the line.

CHEERING

So, ha-ha!

Bearing in mind, as
we've established,

that your first five laps
of your 22 were about here.

~ Yeah.
~ Two minutes. Where do you
think you came in the end?

I think I'm probably
still below Jack.

~ What, slower than 1.54.5?
~ I don't know what that means.

~ One minute...
~ I know what that means.

~ It's a unit of time.
~ I know.

Well... one.

~ Yeah.
~ So you improved.

Yes!

40.

Oh! Oh!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

~ Eight.
~ No!

Point five.

~ Oh
~ BLEEP!

And it was mildly moist.
Which is actually...

Oh, wow, yes! I beat Charles Dance!

You beat Charles Dance,
you beat Joss Stone,

you beat Kiefer Sutherland.

~ That's a reboot!
~ That is quite something.

~ Wow.
~ Yeah, that's one of the fastest
wet times we've ever had.

~ Or mildly moist. I think it is.
~ It was more than mildly moist.

I'll be the judge of what's
moist and what's not.

LAUGHTER

~ And that was mildly moist.
~ OK.

I know what, you are easily not only
the fastest wet lap, but also...

~ most improved.
~ Oh.

So ladies and gentlemen,
Gillian Anderson!

~ CHEERING
~ Brilliant, that's good.

Now, tonight Jeremy and I are using
two huge American pick-up trucks

to rescue Richard Hammond,
who's been abandoned

on a freezing cold mountain
top in the Canadian Rockies.

We pick up the action after
we'd had a good night's rest

in a downtown Vancouver hotel.

We set off before dawn, not knowing
exactly where Hammond was.

But we did know he was
at least 400 miles away.

So, we had plenty of time
to get to know our vehicles.

I am driving a Ford
F-150 pick-up truck,

which is, by miles, the
bestselling vehicle in America.

Ford sells one of these
things every 35 seconds.

And that's only in America,
remember - 35 seconds.

If you were to park every
F-150 that's ever been made

since 1948, side by side -
not end to end, side by side -

the line would stretch
round the equator...

twice!

The reason it sells so well
is simple - it's cheap.

You can have an F-150 with
an automatic gearbox,

cruise control, air conditioning

and a 350 horsepower V8 motor,

for the equivalent of £20,000.

Now that's what we pay in Europe
for a Vauxhall Astra diesel.

By comparison, my pick-up
truck is a sales disaster.

What I'm driving here,
viewers, the Silverado,

the Chevrolet Silverado, is the
second bestselling pick-up truck.

They only manage to shift
one of these every minute.

I'm amazed Chevrolet
are still in business.

Meanwhile, very far away, my third
day on the mountain was beginning.

I didn't sleep last night.
I was cold all night.

I'm going to have to
get more firewood.

The thought of that,
swinging that axe again.

It's probably a good diet, this.

You'll see it on This
Morning at some point.

AS LORRAINE KELLY:
Well, what you need

is to be abandoned
by two good friends.

Well, when I say good friends,
I mean bastards.

Look, that's what I call a breakfast,

~ thank you very, very much.
~ Ah, that's perfect.

After our winter-warming breakfast,
we were back on the road

and delving once more
into our pick-up trucks.

I'm going to be honest with you
- this is no ordinary F-150.

This is the
top-of-the-range Raptor model,

which has been beefed up,
supercharged and intercooled

and then renamed Velociraptor,

by a company called Hennessey,
makers of the Venom,

one of the fastest road cars
the world has ever seen.

So the 6.2-litre V8 that
I have under the bonnet

produces - ahem - 623 horsepower.

That's 212 more than standard.

And that makes it quick
- alarmingly quick.

ENGINE ROARS

Listen to that!

It's like a jet.

While Jeremy was in a
supercharged rocket ship,

I was riding a wave
of low-down grunt.

I have at my disposal a 6.6-litre
turbo-charged V8 diesel engine.

It develops 765 pound-feet of torque.

That's more than one of those
Supersport Bentley Continentals.

I also have the Z71 off-road pack,

which means I get a lot of
under-body strengthening,

beefed-up dampers and
it has as standard

a sophisticated four-wheel
drive system.

I think for International Rescue,
this is like Thunderbird 2.

It's the one that does all the
really serious, proper work.

With 52 hours gone and
International Rescue

nowhere in sight, I was resorting
to extreme measures to find food.

This is the snare. It just
tightens, like that.

I lay this on the rabbit
trail, which is here.

Foot, caught, rabbit - dinner.

There.

Apparently the way you bait it...

is with pee.

VELCRO RIPPING

UNZIPPING

Another layer.

Two...

UNZIPPING

Four...

UNZIPPING

What if a bear comes now?

Meanwhile, James and I, keen
to be ready for any emergency,

had decided to buy VITAL
rescue equipment.

Why? What's... What's
that bit there for?

It's a can opener, bottle opener.

~ What a...
~ You need a bottle.
~ It's a bottle opener.

It opens beer! Yes, we want them!

Is that...? That's worth
having, isn't it?

~ What is it?
~ Scrapy, scrapy, brushy, brushy.

You don't need a brush.

Well, OK, saw the brush off.
I can't buy just one end, can I?

There you go, see,
there's just one end.

~ But you might as well have a brush as well.
~ No, you don't need a brush.

WOLF HOWLS

I haven't made these...

exactly like the ones in the book

cos I once saw Ray
Mears make snowshoes

and they were more
like this. WIND HOWLS

Aaagh!

Cold!

REALLY COLD!

That's it. That's where I peed.

No rabbit.

It's all rubbish! Nothing works!

~ Where the
~ BLEEP
~ are they?

MUSIC ON RADIO: More
Than A Feeling by Boston

♪ More than a feeling

~ ♪ More than a feeling
~ When I hear that old song... ♪

I have my seat heater
on, it's very nice.

I really am starting to DEEPLY
like my Velociraptor.

This reminds me, and you're going
to think I'm mad but it's true,

it reminds me of a 1992
supercharged Aston Martin -

they're very similar.

I used to LOVE that car.

This looks like rather
an attractive small town,

I wouldn't mind stopping for
something like a cappuccino.

By mid-afternoon, there was still
no sign of Yogi and Boo-Boo.

So I prepared myself for
a third night in the open.

And if you want to write to the BBC

and say this is some
rare type of tree

and has to be preserved, you
can stick it up your arse!

I'm sick of the sight of this place.

~ I'm a television presenter
from Birmingham, not Bear
~ BLEEP
~ Grylls!

Despite our best efforts, James and
I were still more than 150 miles

from our friend and colleague.

Night was falling, the
roads were getting worse

and there was another issue.

Sit-rep - James May does
not like driving in the snow

and has now REDUCED his speed...

to about three.

To annoy HIM, as much
as he was annoying ME,

I decided to ignite my collapsed sun.

Right.

YELLS: CLARKSON!

CHUCKLES QUIETLY

I've never, ever encountered a light
like that on the front of a car.

Seriously, very funny, but could
you turn the big light off?

Only when you speed up.

~ YELLS: Turn the
~ BLEEP
~ light off!

It was a long, horrible
drive but mercifully,

when we were just ten
miles from Hammond,

we found a lodge where
we could spend the night.

And the next morning,
I came up with a plan.

Hammond is ten miles away

and 4,000ft above us. So...

we have a race.

And if you get there first,
you DON'T have to rescue him.

~ Come on, that's an incentive.
~ No, you're right, it is, isn't it?

So if you don't get there first,
you have to drive, what,

15 hours back to Vancouver

with Richard Hammond
in your pick-up truck.

Can you imagine driving
15 hours back to Vancouver

with him either dead or bad-tempered?

~ Where the
~ BLEEP
~ are you?!

I peed in a bottle in my tent
last night and it felt dirty!

Enough!

With a good breakfast
under our belts,

James and I were planning our routes.

So Hammond is around there, that's
where the signal came from -

from his watch. So if I go
up what I think is Wolf Pass,

the corpse of Richard Hammond
will be around here somewhere.

It's slightly longer, but it's
only a little bit longer,

but I'm avoiding that massive rise
there. I'm going to go that way.

~ Are you ready, May?
~ I've never been more ready.

Three, two, one... BEGIN!

ENGINES ROAR

This is an interesting
race, it really is,

because although our
pick-up trucks...

appear to be the same,

but actually they're
not the same at all.

His is all about strength and torque

and this is all about
speed and power.

And then there's our driving
styles. James' is very...

slow and methodical
and full of maths.

Mine's more sort of...

ENGINE ROARS AND WHINES

.. put your foot down
and hope for the best.

LAID-BACK MUSIC

Traction control is on.

Thumbs outside the wheel -
that's the other off-road tip.

Absolutely gorgeous scenery.

Hammond will have been having
a lovely time looking at this.

It's like being in a spa.

BLEEP!

HE GRUNTS

YOU... are going on there!

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

In the Ford, I'd decided to
use one of God's highways.

Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha!

Rivers, as we know, are level,
unless they're waterfalls.

Just hope we don't
encounter one of those.

There's my camera. Yeah,

I can now see...

what I'm doing.

Two miles completed.

No serious problems.

THUD!

Jeez!

CLUNKING

Yes, good work.

I love my pick-up truck!
I really love it.

Both of us were now
off the beaten track

and full of steely determination.

Come on, Jeremy, you
need to get there first.

Thunderbird 1 is power-sliding.

Ooh, yes!

This is called "wrestling
with the controls".

Whoa!

Ohh!

♪ Silverado

♪ Why don't you come
to your senses? ♪

Temperatures and pressures
all in the green.

This is shouting and power
versus thought and torque.

Come on!

I've got some rooster tails now.

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Good news, Hammond, the Velociraptor
works well in these conditions.

Where is he? Where is he?

MIMICS JEREMY AND JAMES "Hello."
"Hello. I'm James."

"Oh, I'm Jeremy. Shall
we be friends, James?"

"Yes, let's be best friends
for ever and ever."

"Right, James, I must tell
you all about myself.

"Actually, that's my favourite hobby,
telling people how WONDERFUL I am."

"Oh, really, Jeremy? That's funny

"because I AM brilliant
at everything."

"Are you?" "Yes, I am, but
I'm very modest." "Are you?"

"Yes, that's why I drive
a yellow Ferrari." "Do you?"

"I drive everything better
than everybody else.

"Let's have another friend

"but let's leave him to die
on a mountain top, shall we?"

"That'd be funny. Then we
could look really cool..."

Knowing that Hammond
would be on high ground,

I was now climbing...

hard.

ENGINE WHINES AND ROARS

God, I love this thing!
Really, properly do.

All day yesterday, this was
an Aston Martin V8 Vantage.

Now it's a Group B Audi Quattro.

On my route, I too was climbing.

Do your stuff, Z71 pack.

You can actually feel
the wheels going,

"Is it this one? Is it that one?

"I'll put a bit of power there.
I'll put a bit to that one."

But as we climbed past 4,000 feet,

the going started
to get REALLY tough.

Keep going, keep going,
keep going, keep going.

Thunderbird 2 is still go.

Keep those revs up, keep
the wheels spinning.

Come on, Jeremy, you
need to get there first.

I do NOT want to drive
back to Vancouver

with my Velociraptor

being SOILED by Hammond's
cheesy, decomposing bottom.

"Oh, my head's come off." "Has it?"

"Well, a man threw a knife at
me but I caught it in my teeth.

"Literally, my head came
off." "Oh, but I'm OK."

Oh, are you(?)

In the cock! Ha!

Right in the nads!

Look at that! Jahhh!

♪ Driving along

♪ Singing this song... ♪

Come on.

♪.. Something in a
winter wonderland. ♪

~ CLUNKING
~ BLEEP!

Situation update, viewers. Bit
too close to the edge there. Um...

I've got to be careful how I move
otherwise I'll fall into the valley.

Still, could be worse.

Whoa! Oh, no!

BLEEP! BLEEP!

Whoa!

Faced with the prospect of having to
rescue the world's angriest man...

~ Where are you, you pair of
~ BLEEP
~ middle-aged
~ BLEEP!

..James and I had BOTH decided
to rip out our own fingernails.

Ow!

Ow!

This made progress MUCH easier.

That feels good. Temperatures and
pressures still in the green.

With snow chains fitted, you're
supposed to be gentle,

but luckily my colleague doesn't
know what that means.

RATTLING

Dig and claw, dig and claw.

Come on! Digging.

Damn and blast!

ENGINE WHINES

Come on!

COME ON!

No, you want to do this, you DON'T
want Richard Hammond in you.

~ HISSING
~ Oh, no!

The news was grim.

BLEEP!

You are genuinely a bit of
a desperado here, Silverado.

Loving that.

And loving that as well.

I'm still coming, Richard Hammond.

And you know what? So was I.

We are under way. Three
wheels on my wagon

and I AM still rolling along.

Come on, machine.

Where the hell is James
May? Where is May?

Bit of beans there.

Slightly less beans
there for the climb.

ENGINE ROARS

That's an engine. It's not
a plane, it's a car. It's...

That's got to be them!

YELLS: Where the bloody
hell have they been?!

Come on. Do it.

Claw.

Stop panicking, just...

ease it off.

Really struggling.

Really struggling here.

Come on!

It's Hammond! Hammond is THERE!

How can it have taken that long?!

May, bad news. You're going to have
to take Hammond BACK to Vancouver.

That's a powerful vehicle,
that is a go-anywhere car.

~ So where the
~ BLEEP
~ have you been?

And he's in an appalling
temper, absolutely shocking.

Where are you going? Well, now what?!

Oh, that's your rescue, is it?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

COMMENTS DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

Hold on.

THAT was shocking!

I have seen Thunderbirds
and I never saw Alan

flying along, listening to Boston,
eating a bar of chocolate.

~ No, you say that...
~ Neither did I see

Virgil suggesting they
stop for a cappuccino,

they were both focused
on the job in hand.

Yes. But in that film, we did prove
that your watch system works

and both James and I

completely fell in love with
our pick-up trucks, didn't we?

Yeah, no, this is a very good point.

Because, let's be
honest, for 12 years

we've looked down our noses at
big, American pick-up trucks.

But having spent quite
a few days in them,

we ended up completely besotted.

It's the value that staggers me.

Because American pick-up trucks are
exempt from the gas guzzler tax,

they are SPECTACULARLY cheap.

Yeah. I'm surprised actually

there aren't more people
importing them over here.

Yeah, well, I think the problem
is a car, vehicle I should say,

this size wouldn't really
work in Britain.

And there's another problem.
Excuse me, Hammond.

I think if you put
something in the back,

every time you pull up
at a set of red lights

someone is going to nick it.

Yeah, you're dead right.
You're dead right.

But even so, I maintain my
Silverado, it was brilliant.

Well, it was, James,
but let's be honest,

it didn't actually reach the
top of the mountain, did it?

No, I wasn't going to mention that.

Actually, just before the end
it did break a driveshaft.

Yeah, I did wonder if you
were going to mention that,

because it wasn't IN the film

In the end, neither Thunderbird
Fat nor Thunderbird Slow

~ actually rescued me.
~ That is true.

No, an actual rescue person
had to come and save me.

And can I just talk about the four
days - FOUR DAYS - of misery

I endured whilst you two
dawdled from breakfast

to breakfast in your heated trucks.

No, I'm sorry, there isn't time.

And on that bombshell
we really must end.

Thank you so much for
watching. Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Jessica (Top Gear Theme)