Top Gear (2002–…): Season 22, Episode 3 - Episode #22.3 - full transcript

The boys attempt to improve emergency response times by creating their own ambulances. Daniel Ricciardo is a star in a reasonably priced car.


(THEME SONG PLAYING)

CLARKSON: Tonight,
Richard tests a van...

I drive an old
brown Porsche...

And James uses a telephone.

Hello, everybody!
Hello and welcome!

Thank you so much.
Thank you, everybody,
thank you. Now.

Now.

Ambulance response times
have been in the news
just recently.

It seems that many
ambulances aren't getting
to critically ill patients

as fast as they should be
and nobody seems to know why.

Except us.

You see,
the National Health Service
believes that this

is a fast response vehicle.

But it isn't even
on nodding terms
with the concept of fast.

It started out in life
as a van with
a diesel engine,

and then they added
more weight.

And that gave us an idea.

(SIREN WAILING)

CLARKSON: Here's
a traditional ambulance.

It's big and it's bulky

and it's stuck
in rush-hour traffic.

Plus, it's being driven
by a chap

who knows
how to drain a lung,

but he doesn't know
how to trail-break

or execute
a racing gear change.

Our ambulance, however,
is very different.

Yes, it's The Stig

in an emergency version
of Top Gear's P45,

the smallest road-legal car
ever made.

That means it can fit through
the tiniest gaps.

And make its own lane
in the jams.

And when it gets to the scene
of an emergency,

it can drive
right up to the building

and then go inside.

All of this saves time
and saving time saves lives.

Of course, you're
probably wondering

how on earth the patient can
now be transported to hospital

in an ambulance
as small as this.

Well, that is where our genius
really comes into play.

Because, well, here comes
The Stig now with a patient

who has been literally
bored into a coma

by one of the meetings
they have in here.

Yes, now, as you can see,
he simply has to clip

the stretcher onto
the back of the P45

-and he's ready to go.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

CLARKSON: Sometimes I think
our genius is tangible.

It's like it has a mass.

Yeah, it's like
another presence.

-It's still there
when we've gone.
-CLARKSON: Yeah.

I mean, we've sold many things
over the years

but I think that is our
finest hour. It really is.

HAMMOND: I think it's
up there with the best
work we've ever done.

CLARKSON: That is a work of...
HAMMOND: Ooh, jeez!

HAMMOND: Oh.
CLARKSON: Oh.

I think we need
to call for an ambulance.

-HAMMOND: That's a good idea.
-Okay, I'll do it.

Do you know
what the number is?

Nine...

HAMMOND: Oh, hello.
MAN: Excuse me.

Oh. Er, gentlemen...

"You idiots..." Oh.

-Well, they've got
a point this time.
-Yeah.

"You've killed a man."

HAMMOND: Well, I'm sorry.
He wasn't going to
make it anyway.

No, I don't think he was.

-He looked very peaky.
-He did.

"It's all very well building
a faster ambulance

"but it's no good
if you have to tow
the patient to hospital.

"Now go back
to the drawing board

"and for once do it properly."

-Right.
-Mmm-hmm. Okay.

So we've got to build
something that's faster
than a normal ambulance.

MAY: Yeah, but it's gotta have
room for the patient.

-Inside it.
-Inside it, yes.

-That's where
we went wrong, there.
-Yeah. Yeah.

HAMMOND: Naturally,
we couldn't agree

on what vehicle we should use
as a start point.

So, each of us
went our own way.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Here is what I have chosen.

Yeah, it is a van,
but it is a Chevy G20.

Under there, 5.7-litre,
small-block Chevy V8.

What I've got
is a V8 ambulance,
but there's more.

That thing, £150,000,
this, about £5,000.

I'm saving the NHS
a lot of money

that they can spend
better on bandages

and those paper bottles
that you wee in.

At this point,
the orangutan arrived.

Hello.

No, what...

-(TYRES SCREECHING)
-Well...

CLARKSON: Porsche 944 Turbo.

Yes, I know.

It's not very
ambulance-y, is it?

What's wrong with it?

This was actually designed
as an ambulance by Porsche.

-Was it?
-It was.

Well, in what way
is it an ambulance?
Make that work for me.

Right, okay, fine.

-Full James May spec. Brown.
-Yes.

-Brown interior, brown carpet,
brown dashboard.
-Oh, I love that.

So that if there's a trouser
accident with the patient,

you don't see it.

And the whole point is,
we were told to get
a fast ambulance, were we not?

It's a 944 Turbo.

Top speed, 152 miles an hour.

And this is yours?

-Oh, yeah!
-Top speed?

It's so big that they
won't even tell it.

-They didn't know
what the top speed is.
-Is it? Is it?

-They can't if there
is no top speed.
-Is it? Is it?

Yeah, look at that.

-Oh.
-Yeah, I know.
It's brilliant, innit?

HAMMOND: Electric seats.

Why is every single car
you ever buy for
one of these challenges

filled with ruched Dralon?

I don't know. It's just
something that happens.
I don't know.

No, I'm sorry, Hammond.
Mine is better than yours.

Look at the size of this boot.

CLARKSON: To demonstrate
its enormity, I made
Hammond climb into it.

-Oh, brilliant!
-Tell me I've done this wrong.

-Yeah.
-Tell me I've done this wrong.

-Erm, one thing?
-What?

It is quite incredibly
hot in here.

-Is it?
-I'm in a greenhouse.

I'm quite quickly
beginning to cook.

CLARKSON: As Hammond
simmered to death...

Oh, look.

...an undertaker arrived.

-Erm...
-Oh, sorry.

-MAY: Gentlemen.
-Oh, God. (WHEEZING)

Behold the
Ford Scorpio Cardinal.

So what's really interesting
about this car

is what's going on under here.

This has a 2.9-litre,
quad-cam, 24-valve, V6

developed by Cosworth
and giving 207 horsepower.

-And it has traction control.
-Yes, all...

And it has a sport button.

-All very interesting, James.
Very good indeed.
-Mmm-hmm.

But there's a bit of
an elephant in the room.

Yes, I knew you were
going to say that.

It's not Ford's
finest styling, I know,

but that hardly matters
if you've just fallen
off a ladder, does it?

That's not the elephant
we're talking about.

The elephant's
a little further back.

-It's a hearse!
-It is a hearse, James.

HAMMOND: It's what you put
dead people in.

Well, look at it this way.

If you lose the patient,
which does happen,

you've still got a job.

But, look at the plus sides.
It's very fast.
It's very smooth.

-Is it?
-Yes. It is.
It's very refined.

It's the right shape for
patients already.

This is the type of car that
has actually been misused
for years.

Tell you what it would make,
brilliant camper van.
Look at it.

Yeah. Yeah.
Good ice cream van as well.

Or a burger van.
Anything like that.
Anything van-like.

Yes, but not an ambulance.

CLARKSON: My protests were
then halted by the arrival
of a challenge.

-Ah.
-Go on, then.

"You will now do a drag race
with your ambulances

"against the NHS equivalent."

Must be that.

"Many points will be awarded
to the winner."

-Well...
-Well, I'm the winner.

Well, no, you're
parked next to a...

That's a Chevy engine...
That's a Corvette engine
in there, basically,

as I have said.

-Shall just do it and see?
-CLARKSON: Yes.

-HAMMOND: Let's get on.
-That's the, sort of, point.

MAY: Moments later, we took
our places on the start line.

Sport, traction control off.

Remain dignified, drive,
I'm ready.

Prepare to be surprised.

When this car was new,
it produced 217 horsepower

but today, I'm not so sure,
because when I opened
the turbo yesterday,

I found this in it.

Bits of what could be gravel
or broken ceramic,
I don't know.

I just know it has no place
in a piece of hi-tech
equipment.

That's almost gone.
I'll just leave it open.

(ENGINES REVVING)

Weirdest ambulance race
in history is about to begin.

Three, two, one...

(SIREN WAILING)

Oh! I'm going to win!
I'm getting ahead.
My mirror's dropping out.

Eat my dust, Chevrolet.

Oh, my God. No!

The hearse is mighty!

Look at it go! 100!

-But it seems, yes...
-Oh, no!

...the Porsche is mightier
than the hearse.

And across the line
at 120 miles an hour.

The A-Team had one of these.

Hammond, my commiserations
on you unfortunate loss.

Thank you.

HAMMOND: The fact is, though,

that all our vehicles
were faster that
the National Health Service.

And having proved that,

we were told to go off
and make them a bit
more ambulance-y.

Thank you very much.

CLARKSON:
Thank you very much.

Now, we're going
to pick that up...

We'll pick that up later on,
but just before we move on

and do the news,
can I just say,

if you're standing in a field
with a severed arm,

you don't want the NHS
to arrive in a diesel van,

you don't want someone
coming in a hearse...

It's a Cosworth hearse.

I don't care
if it's a Bugatti hearse.

It's still a hearse.

And what it says
to the patient is,
"You're not gonna make it."

-It does, James, it does.
-Yeah.

But the point I'm trying
to make is this, okay.

Not only are you
bothered about
what car they come in,

but also the driver.

You don't want to be rescued
by Josh out of Casualty,

you want Lewis Hamilton.

-Now that is
a good point, actually.
-CLARKSON: Yeah, it is.

It is because
if you think about it,

racing drivers
are like actors.

At any given moment,
97% of them are out of work.

So why doesn't the NHS
take them on?

They could be doing
something useful.

And what's Nigel Mansell
doing these days?
'Cause he'd be...

-(LAUGHTER)
-No, he would be a brilliant
ambulance driver, wouldn't he.

-CLARKSON: He would?
-With his comforting
Brummie accent

and his reassuring moustache.

-(LAUGHTER)
-In the front
of the ambulance.

I'd love to know he was there.

Anyway, we must now
do the news, and...
Oh, yes.

We've had a number
of complaints
about last week's show.

People said it was cruel
to blow up a cow.

Erm, but I want to make it
absolutely plain, right now,

no cow was hurt
in the making of that film.

-Its death was instantaneous.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

-Wouldn't have felt it...
-Immediate.
It wouldn't have known.

-Right. Next?
-Yes, I have news,
very exciting news.

It is a new Ferrari.

There is a picture of it here.

-That...
-CLARKSON: Holy moly.

HAMMOND: Wow.
MAY: Yes, indeed.

That is the 488 GTB.

It has a 3.9-litre
turbocharged V8,
661 horsepower,

nought to 60 in three seconds.

And, correct me if I'm wrong,
this is the replacement,
isn't it, for the 458.

Yes, it is.

I'm just thinking,
if you had a 458,

you'd be feeling
suicidal now, wouldn't you.

Yeah, you would, yeah.

-That's prettier...
-Yep.

Faster...

It's turbocharged so it does
25 miles to the gallon,

-50% more downforce
than the 458...
-HAMMOND: Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

-James.
-Yes, Richard.

-Haven't you got a 458?
-CLARKSON: Oh.

-Completely forgot.
-Yes, I have.

It's... It's worthless now.

Really, truly worthless
now that they've done that.

You might want to just
give it away to a member of
the audience here. I mean...

AUDIENCE: (IN UNISON) James.

HAMMOND: What?
It's worthless.

I think we should maybe
put it... But let's open it
to all the viewers.

-HAMMOND: Yeah.
-If you'd like
James's Ferrari,

write to us at
James May,

I'll Take That Ferrari
Off Your Hands If I Must,

BBC, London, wherever we are.

You know, people are actually
going to write in now.

HAMMOND: Yes, definitely.

And we're actually going
to give it away.

Yeah, we are.

We're committed now,
we said it on air.

That is a thing of
extraordinary beauty,

but I have to say this,
McLaren quick to respond.

They also have
announced a new car.

Can't remember
what it's called.
It doesn't matter.

They sent us a picture of it.
Here it is.

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-CLARKSON:
I'm not actually joking.

They genuinely
sent that out, going,
"We've got a new car."

-Not...
-It's not actually
a car, is it.

CLARKSON: Not really, no.
HAMMOND: It's not finished.

I think I prefer the Ferrari.

Now. I want to talk
about immigration.

Erm, and...

As I said that, the entire
BBC management team
sat bolt upright, didn't they.

Sat up and went, "Oh, no,
where's he going with this."

Well, relax, ladies.

Don't choke on your tofu.

All I want to say is,
if you are an immigrant,

you've just
arrived in Britain,
welcome.

Make yourselves at home,
I hope you're very
happy here.

Yeah, absolutely,
we mean this.

Thank you for coming here.
Thank you for working hard.

Thank you for paying taxes.
Thank you for cleaning my car.

And we're off the air.

That's the end of that.
It's been great.

No. The man who runs
the car valeting place
near me

has recently arrived
from Albania

and he's brilliant.

And no one else is
gonna do it. He's superb.
That's what I meant.

-Thank you very much.
-Fair enough. Fair enough,
well done, James.

What I wanted to say is...

I've noticed this driving
around in Britain, okay.

I've noticed a lot of
the new boys, people who've
just arrived in Britain,

don't seem to understand
how you use
the motorways here.

That the right-hand lane,
the outside lane,

is for overtaking.

And then when you've
completed your overtaking,

you then move back into
the two inside lanes again.

I mean, I'm just
passing that on as
a piece of information.

-No, because that's how
it works here. Exactly.
-Exactly.

-Think of that right-hand lane
as the lavatory.
-Yeah.

You go in,
do what you gotta do...

-Mm-hmm.
-And then you come out again.

You don't stay in there
all day.

Unless you're James May,
then I don't know what
you're doing in there.

But actually, seriously,
you can't blame people for not
necessarily knowing that.

I mean, if you move to a
completely different country,
there's a lot of stuff

that you don't know
that you have to know.

Well, exactly.
We travel an awful lot,
as I'm sure you know.

In India, for example,

if you're behind a lorry
and it indicates right,

that means,
"I have seen you
in my mirrors.

"Do please feel free
to overtake."

Or it means,
"I'm turning right."

HAMMOND: Yeah, it does.

And if only there'd been
a motoring show

that would've told us
when we got there
that that's what it means.

-It's a valuable service.
-MAY: Yeah, exactly.

Because in Burma,
for example, if you turn
your headlights off,

that means it's night-time.

There's lots and lots of
different nuances

-when you're driving
on the road.
-Cultural differences.

There's another one
in Britain, for people
who just got here.

If you're stopped
by the police
for any reason,

erm, it's traditional
in Britain

to cup the officer's face
and kiss him lightly.

-(LAUGHTER)
-Yeah. Yeah.

And quite often you'll find

he'll give you a traditional
little friendly punch
in the face.

And maybe a jovial
little tase along with it.

-It's just...
-I think what we're
trying to say is,

get out of the outside lane!

Ooh, now, there's a new
special edition of the
Range Rover Evoque.

It's called the NW8.

-NW8?
-Yes.

They named it after
a London postcode?

Yep. Next up probably
will be the E17.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Car that runs over
its own driver.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

CLARKSON:
What's the matter now?

I don't get that.

East 17.

-MAY: East 17.
-I know it's a postcode.
I don't...

Why would a postcode
run over... How could a...

East 17 is a band.
Brian Harvey?

-Is he a driver?
-No, Hammond.
Look, this is...

Hammond... Basically
the only band he knows
is The Wurzels.

That's the problem.

Now, I want to talk
about stopping distances.

We touched on this
when we were
in Australia last week.

You see, the government says

we have to be limited
to 70 miles an hour
on the motorway

because the stopping distance
from 70 is 315 feet.

Which, they say,
that's an acceptable
stopping distance

so therefore you can't go
any faster than 70.

Yeah, exactly. But we know
that it isn't 315 feet

because we demonstrated this
in Australia.

Well, from 60, yes,
but we're missing the point.

So what we were wondering is,

how fast do you
actually have to be going

before you need
315 feet to stop?

So we actually decided,
this morning, in fact,
to do an experiment.

We've got footage of it here.
It's The Stig driving along

in a diesel-powered
Vauxhall Insignia

and he's building up speed
to brake point now.

Full braking, and that's
The Stig doing it,
and there we are.

315 feet exactly.

Anyone wanna guess
how fast he was going when
he pressed the brake pedal?

-(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
-CLARKSON:
100 miles an hour...

130 in a Vauxhall
Insignia diesel?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

No, try to be realistic.

110. Actually, he was doing
112 miles an hour.

So if the government says
that the speed limit
is determined

by stopping distance,

then we should be allowed
to drive at 112 miles an hour.

HAMMOND: That's pure logic.
CLARKSON: You can't
argue with it.

It's logic.

Right, okay, now it's time
to get back to our
ambulance film.

So far we've established
that my car, his van
and his hearse

are faster than
the NHS equivalent.

And now we pick up the action

after we've converted them
into actual ambulances.

CLARKSON: We reconvened
once more at our track

and James was
the first to arrive.

Hello, viewers,
and as you would expect,

I have done it properly.

This is no longer a hearse,

it is the future of club-class
recovery transport.

I've based it all
on business jet travel.

It goes fast
and it makes you feel better.

Choice of pillows, television
to show your journey,

a lovely view to the top,

a lovely view out of
the windows.

What could be wrong with it?
It is the perfect ambulance.

I don't know why nobody's
thought of it before to be
brutally honest.

CLARKSON ON PA:
James May!

Prepare to be blown away
by the turbulence

of my magnificence.

Behold, look what I have done!

I'm prepared to bask
in the fetid belch
of his incompetence,

but anyway, let's see.
Hello.

(CLEARS THROAT)

The challenge, as you know,

was to build
a fast ambulance.

-I've added 300 horsepower...
-Have you?

...with the paintjob.

-Right.
-You'll notice,

-hydraulic handbrake.
-Hydraulic handbrake?

CLARKSON:
Hydraulic handbrake.

You often hear ambulance
drivers saying,

"Oh, if only I had
a hydraulic handbrake."

You've never heard
them say that because
they've never thought of it.

What... Okay.

-CLARKSON: Telephone number.
-Yes, telephone number.

That works everywhere,
doesn't it?

-Yes.
-That's good. I can see
the performance...

-...that's...
-Yes!

-That?
-This?

-This? This is genius.
-Yeah. Yeah.

No other words for it.

CLARKSON: But before I could
explain, Hammond arrived.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Oh, my God!

Oh, yeah!

It...

-Ambulance.
-It doesn't say...

No, what it says is,
"Lo Cost Nuclear
Waste Disposal"

not ambulance.

No. What is says is,
"Get out of the way!"

Because you would.
You see that,

you're not going to just
sit there dithering,
"Oh, I might, I might not",

you're going to run.

-What's this?
-Well, if you're stuck
in traffic, for instance,

and you saw this and green gas
started coming out,

you wouldn't be stuck
in traffic any more.

MAY: So, you're scaring people
out of the way of your
high-performance ambulance?

-Yes.
-Ah! But it isn't
high-performance.

That's what
I'm about to say.

Is it any faster?

Yes. I have addressed
the issue of speed.

I've done so very cleverly.

What I've fitted...

Look over there, nitrous.

Because, it has two purposes,

it's what they use as
laughing gas in hospitals,
isn't it?

-Yes.
-So if the patient needs to be
made to feel a bit better,

I switch that to patient.

If I want to go a bit faster,
I switch that to engine

and it diverts the nitrous
into the engine

another several 100bhps.

Of course, nitrous is the same
thing those drag racers use
to go faster

-and that they use...
-Yeah. Yeah.

CLARKSON: James then
demonstrated the motorised
loading bay he'd fitted

to his hearse-bulance.

(WHIRRING)

Oh, the speed!
The speed!

I'm bleed... It's my femoral
artery. I'm bleeding out.

-I'm bleeding to death.
-It's slowing now.

-It's not bleeding as quickly.
-(MIMICS BLOOD SPURTING)

HAMMOND: It's barely
dribbling out now.

-(HAMMOND LAUGHS)
-It's a good job you've got
a Cosworth engine, James,

because you've got
a lot of time to make up.

Can we have a look inside?

Of course you can
have a look inside.

-Oh, look, he's got...
-(THUDDING)

(SNIFFLES)

-It won't take the weight
of a tiny, tiny man?
-You've broken it.

CLARKSON: I then demonstrated
my much faster

patient-loading solution.

(HUMMING)

HAMMOND: Oh, I say.

Wheels deploy there.
Wheels deploy there.

Annoyingly, that's actually
quite clever.

This is a split folding...
It's like a Range Rover
Porsche.

Don't sit on it!
You've already broken
one tailgate today.

CLARKSON: And my brilliant
engineering didn't stop there.

I'm driving down
a narrow street,

parked cars are on either
side, I can't get through.

-Clear!
-HAMMOND: What?

(WHIRRING)

-What... (LAUGHS)
-It's a ram-bulance!

-Oh, I see. I thought
it was a snow plough.
-Oh, my God.

-This is...
-Sheet steel.

-10-mil.
-Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

-Heavy?
-Very.

Mmm.

That's why it folds back.

-Oh, what? 'Cause it's lighter
when it's folded.
-No. No. No. No. The...

-Do you know nothing about
weight distribution?
-50-50 weight distribution.

-(LAUGHS)
-Yeah, but it is still weight.

CLARKSON: As we discussed
my handiwork,

a challenge arrived.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"The Stig will now drive each
of your cars around the track,

"which, to make it more real
has been fitted with
three speed humps.

"You will be in the back
with a patient

"and in the course of one lap

"you will put his
intestines back in,

"insert a drip
and fit a catheter.

"Points will be
awarded for speed

"and how much of
the medical work

"you complete successfully."

CLARKSON: What?

MAY: Is a catheter a thing
that goes up your old chap?

-Yes!
-MAY: Up it?

-BOTH: Yes!
-Not on it?

-No!
-(LAUGHS)

CLARKSON: Hammond elected
to go first

and once his patient
had been loaded,

a rather bemused Stig
took his place at the wheel.

-Oh, he's not in
a good way at all.
-He?

-It's a girl.
-Oh, yeah.

Oh, no. Or is it though?

CLARKSON: It's a girl from
where I am. Just have
a look under there.

Or is that just a bit of...

(SCREAMS) There's a thing.

CLARKSON: It's a lady boy.

Anyway, it's a
medical emergency.

Get out of the way.
I've got to get on with this.

In three, two, one, go!

Whoa, oh! (MUMBLES)

Erm, the wheels were
a mistake.

I'm really sorry, mate.
Let's try and put your guts
back in the way they...

(GROANS)

Airway, that's a priority.
That goes in here.

(BLABBERING)
He's being sick on me!
I'm covered in...

Stop vomiting, you idiot.

Ugh!

This is the willy bit.
You probably can't
see this on television.

This has to go in the end.

Ahhh! No, I'm covered in wee!

-Ugh!
-(EQUIPMENT SHATTERING)

Speed hump!

(GROANING)

That would have been deeply
uncomfortable for Hammond.

MAY: I would have
thought so, yeah.

How do I get
the blood out of the bag?

I'm tempted to
move back.

Do you know, I agree.
Because it is Das Stig.

(GROANS) Stig!

CLARKSON: There he is.
Across the line.

The 2:17 lap
had taken its toll on both
the Chevy's brakes

and Dr Hammond.

Holy moly!
Look at the state of him.

-What's that?
-Being an ambulance man
is a tough job.

What is that?

-That's... It's wee.
-Is it yours?

No.

CLARKSON: Next, it was
the turn of Dr Slow's
hearse-bulance.

Three, two, one, go!

(WHIRRING)

Should I start
the stopwatch now?

Well, this is part of the...

Well, it's taking time.

-Is his seat fastened down?
-Yeah.

What he's done is
take a length of one of
those stair lifts...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I think you may have overdone
it slightly on the closing of
the tailgate, Stig.

HAMMOND: Fasten it.
CLARKSON: You get in and
we'll fasten you in.

Your lap time is going
to be shocking, frankly.

-You haven't started
the stopwatch?
-Yeah!

-Of course we have.
-Well, I haven't set off yet.

-You did set off!
-It's your call, isn't it?

MAY: Hurry up! Go!

-He's gone!
-He's gone, then!

5:30 to get to there.
Not brilliant.

-Not brilliant.
-Can you hear me,
man, woman? No?

Right!
Breathing, possibly not.

Putting...

MAY: The hearse-bulance
coped brilliantly with
the corners.

That's his guts back in.

But less well on
the speed bumps.

(CREAKING)

Ow!

MAY: Keep going!

He's going to make it.

HAMMOND: Here he comes!

Hammond, run for your life!

I'm going to die!
Killed by ambulance.

Across the line.

HAMMOND: James wasn't best
pleased with his lap time.

12 minutes...

-Oh, get lost.
-...and 28 seconds.

-It was.
-It's the slowest lap
in Top Gear's history.

HAMMOND: Finally, it was
the turn of the Porsche.

And immediately
there was a problem.

Ugh!

HAMMOND: Good.
MAY: He's kicked the patient.

-Erm...
-(ALL LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: Shut up.

HAMMOND: Eventually, though,
the ape was in position.

Begin!

Is he focusing on
getting the drip in

or is he focusing on...

* Trust in me

* Trust in me!

-(SHOUTING)
-(TYRES SCREECHING)

CLARKSON: Holy mother of God!

Oh.

Ow! That hurts so much.

Damn. You maniac.

Ow! You stupid man!

Oh, God! What happens
if I go over a speed bump?

I don't like this!

Oh!

Here he comes.

I'm in a scene from Carrie.

I want Josh back
from Casualty.

Oh, God!

And across the line.

Oh. Oh, dear.

CLARKSON: And then
to complete my humiliation...

2:24.

Rubbish.

What I was slower than the...

-(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
-He was...

-2:12 or something,
weren't you?
-Yep.

-Did he slow down at all
for the speed humps?
-Nope.

That's why we got air.

Might. That's my drawback.

Will you...

I mean this is a Porsche.
You can't hit the speed...

It hasn't got
the clearance.

-Speed humps.
-He ripped his bumper off.

600,000 people a year

are killed in the back
of ambulances by speed humps.

What you're doing is
making that up.

Yes, but it's making
a point as well.

Making it up to make a point.

If it's one or more,
it's an issue.

-Go over it too fast,
patient dies.
-Agreed. Yeah.

Slow down to make it
comfortable, the patient dies.

'Cause they don't reach
the hospital in time.

Until this government
gets rid of every single
speed hump,

we're all going to die.

For our next test,
we had to see
which of our cars

had the fastest
patient-offloading system.

As I approach
the A & E department,

I open the boot
using electricity.

I then apply the handbrake,
hydraulic,

the car swings round,

centrifugal force causes
the patient to leave the car,
the ambulance,

on his stretcher,

the wheels deploy and
he rolls into the hospital.

I am then pointing
in the right direction

to go back out
and get another patient.

Somewhere there is a world
in which that will work.

CLARKSON ON PA:
Ambulance one coming in hot.

Delivery system engaged.

Behold my genius.

Not an enormous success.

MAY: No, I could see
where the thinking was going,

but the legs didn't deploy
and the patient's dead.

CLARKSON:
Goal line technology,
that is in.

MAY: I'm going
to give it a no.

On the basis that
he isn't in the hospital.

-He is!
-MAY: He's not.

-CLARKSON: He is.
-Even his foot's not in.
He's not in...

-The stretcher.
-Nobody's gonna
look at that and say,

"Oh, that poor man
is in hospital."

They're gonna say,
"That poor man's been dumped
outside a hospital."

HAMMOND: It was then my turn.

Swing it around.

What is he doing?

Similar sort of system,
only I'm using a cannon.

And, er, ready? Good. Fire!

Pretty quick.
I think you'll agree.

What?

CLARKSON:
What the hell was that?

Not entirely certain

you've delivered the patient
to the hospital.

-Oh, I have.
-Or...

That the patient is still...

What's the word
I'm looking for?

-Alive.
-MAY: Yeah, that's the one.

HAMMOND: Oh. Oh, dear.

That was an air cannon.

Oh, and the door
didn't open properly.

MAY: Given how low
the bar had been set...

HAMMOND: I think
it was a good idea.

MAY: ...I was confident
that I'd win this.

CLARKSON:
James, what exactly
are we looking at?

-This is a robot lawn mower.
-CLARKSON: Is it?

I've laid out
pieces of string.

It knows where those are
so it mows only inside
this big rectangle.

So, then I thought,
you know the really big
farm lawn mowers?

-You mean combines.
-Yeah, whatever.

Those work off satnav.

The satnav knows where it is.

And that's the technology
I've used.

HAMMOND:
We watched eagerly
as James lined up

to demonstrate his invention.

-(DOOR WHIRRING)
-CLARKSON: Oh, God.

MAY: Right.

Now all I do is,
using my special
programmer,

I have the coordinates
of the operating theatre

-of this hospital
already entered.
-(SATNAV BEEPING)

-(CLARKSON LAUGHING)
-Now, watch.

MAY: Stand clear.

What, so you uploaded
the schematics

to your PDA of the hospital
like Jack Bauer?

(SATNAV BEEPING)

-What does that mean?
-Arrived at the
operating theatre.

-Does it?
-Yes.

In some ways,
I'm very impressed
with what he's done.

Yeah.

But in one colossal way,

I'm not sure that
it's worked at all.

I know what that way is.

And I think you're right,
it is a disadvantage

of the system. It's a problem.

James, would you like to know
what the massive... What?

If you insist
there's something
wrong with it.

HAMMOND: Yeah.
Maybe your patient
changed his mind.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
-CLARKSON: Thank you,
thank you.

Thank you so much, everybody!
Now, we'll pick that up...

We'll pick that up later on.

Er, but now it is time
to put a star in our
reasonably-priced car.

My guest tonight
is a Formula One driver
who is always smiling.

But he says that behind
the cuddly exterior

is actually a bit
of a honey badger,

a ferocious animal
that fights its opponents
by going for their...

Crotch areas.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Er...

So, ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands

over your genitals
for Daniel Ricciardo!

Hey!

-RICCIARDO: G'day.
-How are you?

I'm all right.

CLARKSON: Yes.

People love it when
an F1 driver comes.

Ahh.

It was weird. We were in
Australia last week,
in the Northern Territories,

saw no Australians at all,

and now there's one here.

Yeah, I know. It's...

But in the end you're
all over here, actually,
if we're honest, aren't you.

Well...
Not by choice.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I can feel the warmth
you're generating there.

No. Erm, what I wanted to do,

is obviously,
when you started
at Red Bull last year,

did you think,
and I know a lot
of people did,

that you'd be
the cheerful Aussie
playing second fiddle

to the four-times
world champion,
Sebastian Vettel?

-No.
-You didn't.

So you actually thought
from the get-go,
"I'm going to have him."

I believed
I'd have him, but I...
Yeah.

Until I got on track
and had everything
like-for-like,

I wasn't obviously sure
how it would go,

but coming into it
I didn't expect to be,

you know, the guy
following him every weekend.

You know,
obviously came in with
some self-belief and then

I think that sort of showed
and then confidence grew
after that, so.

There were 19 races last year
and you beat him in how many?

-I don't know. Er...
-I do.

How many was it?
(LAUGHS)

-Fourteen of them.
-14.

-Don't pretend
you did not know that.
-(LAUGHING)

No, I...
I didn't really, actually.

I knew it was more,
like I knew I had
more than him.

Yeah, no,
you outqualified him in?

You going to pretend
you don't know that as well?

Er, wait, this one's, er...

12-7?

-11-8.
-11-8.

But you really,
you're not keeping that
in your head?

I would be.
I'd ring him up
every morning and go,

-(CHUCKLING) "11-8."
-(RICCIARDO LAUGHING)

He changed his number.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I think one of the reasons
we were all surprised,
I think,

when you first started and
were immediately brilliant
in the Red Bull,

is that you just don't look
particularly ruthless.

I mean,
you're always smiling.

Your photographs, we'd been...
I looked through to see
if I could find you,

one of you not smiling. Ever.

Have a look at this,
okay, because...

-This is winning in Canada.
That's a huge beam, yes?
-Yeah.

And this is after
you'd been disqualified
in Australia.

And then we have another
photograph of you having

some kind of blood test
with a horrible injection.

-Ah, yeah.
-Here we are.

CLARKSON: Still!

You know,
it looks like a smile,
but that's pain right there.

Is it? So you smile
when you're in agony.

Maybe if we see the lap later,
there might be some, er...

Some different emotions.
'Cause it was
an open-faced helmet

in the little Suzuki.
So maybe you'll see...

Well, we'll see if we
can capture a moment
when you're not smiling.

But that is later on.

-Now, obviously testing
is happening now, in fact.
-Yeah.

-As we speak.
-Yep.

In fact,
how come you're not there?

Top Gear's way more important.

-Really?
Ooh, we're all in a...
-Yeah.

-I hate testing.
I can't stand it.
-Really?

Ah, no, I wouldn't say
I hate it, but...

Now there you see it.
The old machine's come
off the rails now.

And how's it going? I suppose
we've got some Formula One
fans here, inevitably,

and they'll want to know
how's it going.

Are you going to be
as fast as the Mercs?

It's still very early.
I mean, we are
still finding out our way

but we've still got
eight more days in Barcelona
after this, so...

Come Melbourne
we'll be right.

Has anybody else...
'Cause I think
it's only fair,

there's a lot
of Formula One fans.
Anyone got any questions

they'd like to ask Danny
while he's here and we're
talking about Formula One?

MAN 1: What's the back
of Lewis's car look like?

Can you see that?

(LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Anyone else got
another question?

MAN 2: Who's better,
you or Webber?

(LAUGHS) Er...

I don't know.

Actually, let's...
We'll find out.

I believe he's 1.43.1, so...

CLARKSON: He is on the board.
Because this is
the only time ever

when Formula One drivers
get to actually drive
the same machine.

Same equipment.
Different day,
one could argue.

-The pressure is on,
if I'm honest today...
-I know.

-Because in particular...
-My heart rate's going up.

Yeah, well, I mean, so's mine,
because I actually said
early last year,

I actually sent a tweet out
saying I thought you were

the best driver
on the F1 grid.

Knuckles. Thanks.

It's my way
of saying thank you.

Oh, it says thank you.
I thought you'd hit me.

And it's not... I mean,
people who know what they're
talking about as well said it.

Alonso said...
What did he call you?

He said you were
unbelievable.

Yeah, so we have had
this sort of...

How good is Daniel?
And this is
your opportunity to come

and actually show everybody,
in the same car
they've all driven.

And the weather today was...

It was good.
Like, that's the thing,
I don't have excuses.

-No, it was cold
and bright and...
-Dry.

About as perfect
as it can be
for a car.

So who would like to see
what is, let's be honest,
an extremely important lap?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

-Play the tape.
Let's have a look.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

C'mon.
Let's do this.

Obviously you're back
in the old car,
the Suzuki Liana.

Nice to see it back.

Race face on.
(GROWLS)

CLARKSON: That is.
It's like a honey badger.

I'm guessing,
are you gonna go...

No, really, you're not
on the wide line

taken by most other
Formula One drivers.

RICCIARDO: Taking it tight.
Taking it tight.

CLARKSON: You are.
RICCIARDO: Just
saving distance.

CLARKSON: Not there
you're not.

Chicks would go
crazy for this.

CLARKSON: Okay, this is it.

Good understeer.

CLARKSON: A little bit
but managed nicely.

RICCIARDO: Hit it tight.

Whoo!
Let's go, let's go.

CLARKSON: All sorts of
hand gestures.
RICCIARDO: Good racing.

CLARKSON: Hammerhead.
RICCIARDO: Keeping it
in the lines...

CLARKSON: Yeah,
now getting it all lined up
for a smooth, quick...

Why am I telling you
what you're doing?

That would...
You know what you're doing.

Come on. (GROWLS)

CLARKSON:
Are you suggesting
this isn't fast enough?

Look at it.
Using the red
and whites there...

This line's good.
This is...

This is racing.

CLARKSON: Oh,
that's keeping it comfy.
RICCIARDO: Yeah.

CLARKSON: Keeping it comfy...
Oh, look at that
lift-off oversteer.

RICCIARDO: Yeah!

CLARKSON: That's something
our other guests should use.
Lift-off oversteering there.

RICCIARDO: Oh, that was...
CLARKSON: And then
just fling it in.

And there we are,
across the line!

-Oh.
-(CLARKSON CHUCKLING)

-I'm actually nervous.
-Go on, then. Where do you
think you've come?

These are effectively
the dry times.

Jenson, 1.44, 1.44, 1.44,

1.40...
And so we're up to...

Lewis then came along
on his second attempt

-and did...
-(EXHALING NERVOUSLY)

Let's be honest,
a fairly unbeatable
1.42.9.

'Cause that's...
What, is he quicker...
Mark's second,

-so he's .2 second off.
-The anticipation's
killing me.

And then we're right down
to Seb at 1.44.

Should I just go lower, or...

I don't know. The gap...

I don't know. The gap...
The gap between
Webber and Vettel

The gap between
Webber and Vettel

scares me,
like that's a big gap,
so I'm wondering...

That's .9 of a second.

...did they have good
track conditions,
did I have that...

A load of space to get
you and your smile in there.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Just do it slowly.

Lewis went 1.42.9...

Do it slow, like
one number by one number.

Okay? I don't wanna...
If I've lost,
I wanna lose slowly.

Start with a 1, at least.

-1.
-C'mon.

50...

No, no, come on.

-No, I'm just teasing you.
-(RICCIARDO LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: Oh, boy.

I'm letting you down gently,
is what I'm doing. 1...

(GROANS) Do it slow.
Do it slow.

-40...
-(RICCIARDO GROANS)

Please say 2.

C'mon.

-2.
-Yes!

Ah... My hair's
standing on end,

'cause it's another 2.

I mean, seriously,
a 1.42.2.

Fabulous.
Absolutely stunning.

How'd you do that?
How did you do that?

-CLARKSON: Unbelievable.
-(RICCIARDO LAUGHS)

That's the fastest
anybody's ever gone round
our track.

(SIGHS) I feel way better.

In any of our
reasonably-priced cars.

It'll be fun next year
when you get back
on the circuit

with that time.

That is genuinely remarkable.
I'm staggered.

Because I'm, Lewis...
Lewis has hung himself.

Oh, and by the way...

-By the way, matey boy,
you wanna...
-Yeah.

(ALL LAUGHING)

In the same car,
it turns out,

that the Aussie
has just beaten the Brit.

It's the Ashes all over again.

This is how I felt
after Canada.
I didn't know what to say.

So we've actually
made a man happier
than winning a Grand Prix.

Ladies and gentlemen.

He's done it!
Daniel Ricciardo!

CLARKSON: Just,
I'm really, that's...
I would applaud.

You know that wasn't
a fluke, don't you.

No, he did three laps,
exactly the same time.

-Really.
-Three times.

-That's why he's...
-Yeah. Yeah.

Now, tonight
we have made
three ambulances

and to be honest,
there have been
a few niggles

-and minor teething troubles.
-Yeah.

For example, not one of them
has yet delivered a patient
to hospital alive.

No. Nevertheless,
the producer said we had to
go off and build

a Thunderbirds- style
International Rescue facility

where we would be
on hand, with our ambulances,

24 hours a day,
ready to respond
at a moment's notice.

MAY: This is it.

And inside the command module,
we were waiting
for our first emergency.

-(DEVICE BUZZES)
-CLARKSON: Have you
heard about this

Jewish volunteer
ambulance service
called Hatzolah?

-No.
-(CLARKSON CLEARS THROAT)

No, honestly,
I'm not joking.
It's unbelievable.

The NHS response time in
Britain for a life-threatening
situation is eight minutes.

They get there in New York,
in New York, which is busy,
in four minutes.

-That's from the call?
-That's from the call.

Four minutes later,
they're there.

There's 1,000 of them
in New York, okay?

And they're normal people.

They are builders,
they're teachers,
they're whatever.

They are trained.

And they keep with them,
in their cars at all times,

defibrillators, medicine,
all the things you need.

It's a brilliant idea.

And we should be aiming for
these, these response times.

It takes me
two minutes to shut the...

-Shut the back door.
-He has a point.

-(SIREN BLARING)
-CLARKSON: Oh.

Gentlemen, incoming message.

What a remarkable printer.

"A meteorite has landed
on the town of Theale.

"There are many causalities.

"Points will be awarded for
whichever one of you gets
one of those casualties

"to the hospital
in the quickest time."

This is it.

International rescue
has been summoned.

Thunderbirds are go!

(THUNDERBIRDS THEME PLAYING)

(ENGINE STARTING)

Power sliding in an ambulance.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Coming through.

Yeah!

Take down
Cosworth's power.

CLARKSON: Naturally,
we soon encountered
heavy traffic,

but we were ready for that.

Engaging siren.

* Alive and kicking
Stay until your love is... *

CLARKSON: Come on, go!

Can you not see
I'm an ambulance?

Yes, it's reassuring
for the patient,

but it doesn't really
say "siren"
to other road users.

Get out of the way,
normal ambulance!

Come on!

HAMMOND: My siren,
like my ambulance,

was designed to
scare people out of the way.

(SIREN BLARING)

HAMMOND:
Annoyingly though,
it didn't really work.

(WOMAN SCREAMING,
OBJECTS CLATTERING
ON PA)

(AIR RAID SIREN BLARING)

He's not scared, at all.

CLARKSON: If Hammond's
siren wasn't working,

James' didn't have a prayer.

MAY ON PA:
I know it's slightly annoying,

but could you be
an awfully good sport

and move out of
the way of the ambulance?

Thank you.

CLARKSON:
When we arrived
in Theale, we split up

to look for the
meteorite crash site.

Oh, God. The place is a mess.

Look at the dam...
Oh, no, this isn't
the site, is it?

This is just Theale.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

We've got everything
we need.

Blood, oxygen, Nurofen.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Hydraulic handbrake,
very important in
a ram-bulance.

Perhaps all the
ambulance service

will be watching this
with their mouths agog!

Four minutes call out time.

Hatzolah are the
people to beat.

We are temporarily lost.

Has anybody seen a meteorite?

I mean, it's... It can't be...

I can't see anything that's
been damaged by a meteorite.

This is getting irritating!

(TYRES SCREECHING)

MAY: Forty minutes later,
two of us arrived.

CLARKSON ON PA:
Relax, people, I'm here.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

Yeah, we've got
a lot of causalities here.

Where is the site? Come on.

Oh, hello.
Brakes are getting spongy.

Still hot.

-Jeremy?
-What?

MAY: This is
absolutely amazing.

It is. None of the girls
are wearing underwear.

Oh, here comes Hammond.

MAY: About time.

CLARKSON: Do you
just have the fire brigade
following you around

-as a matter of course?
-Oh, yeah. It does do that.

Yes. I didn't think
it was gonna be a
real meteorite strike.

-I mean, that's actually...
-MAY: No, it is.

MAY: Go on then.

"Each of the casualties
is fitted with a timer

"showing how long they have
before they die.

"This lets you know
how long you have

"before they must
reach the hospital.

-"However...
-(FIRE EXTINGUISHER BLOWING)

"However, each time
they are jolted or bashed

"the timer will jump forwards
10 seconds."

How long is on the timers?

I don't know.

I presume depending
on how wounded they are.

Oh, so it'll be different.

So, we've got to
choose one with

-the longest amount of time.
-Yeah, exactly.

-Right.
-CLARKSON: The race starts

in three, two, one, now!

Right. I'm just gonna get in.

Thirty seconds.
It's a waste of time.

Two minutes. Mate, I'm sorry.

Shit.

He's got 10 minutes.
I'm having him.

Eight minutes, 55.

That's it. You. It's you.

You're in good shape, my man.
I can look after you.

(HAMMOND GRUNTS)

There you go, sir.

CLARKSON: With the
patients carefully loaded...

Get in.

...Richard and I
were on our way.

PA:
* Alive and kicking

I have collected
a cone or two there.

Sorry.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

We've never lost a patient
from Theale on my watch.

Sure as hell not gonna
lose one now.

The roads to the
state of the art hospital
on the other side of town

were littered with
abandoned cars.

But Hammond and I
had decided to get there
as fast as possible.

Even if it meant incurring
a few 10-second penalties.

-(DEVICE BEEPING)
-HAMMOND:
Don't you worry, sir.

You just hang on tight.

CLARKSON: Here we go.

Rams deployed.

-(DEVICE BEEPING)
-Well, the thing is, mate,

if you get a 10-second penalty
for every single, little bump.

You might as well
have big knocks.

Unsurprisingly, James
had decided to adopt
a policy of no knocks at all.

Hello, and welcome aboard
the ecnalubma.

Your recovery
is our first priority.

We realise that you had
a choice of ambulances,

and this is,
indeed, the best one.

-This patient is
really annoying me now!
-(DEVICE BEEPING)

-(DEVICE BEEPS)
-Oh, no. He's broken free!

Whoa! Oh! Dukes of Hazzard.
There it is.

-(DEVICE BEEPS)
-Oh, I'm sorry.

That's probably 10 seconds
off your life.

Meanwhile, in the next street

James had encountered
a Peugeot driver.

Sorry to disturb you,
gentleman in the
silver Peugeot,

but this is an ambulance

and this is an emergency.

It really is a matter
of great importance.

Make way for the ambulance.
Thank you.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Move, man!

-Oopsy daisy.
-(DEVICE BEEPS)

-(ENGINE REVVING)
-(TYRES SCREECHING)

No. Oh, God.

MAY ON PA:
I've been reasonably
polite about this so far,

I would like you to
get out of the fucking way.

CLARKSON: Thanks to
our exuberant driving,

my patient and Hammond's
had lost a lot of life.

So we decided to
go even faster.

(DEVICE BEEPS)

We're on our way
to hospital.

PA:
* Alive and kicking

Ramming!

* Stay until your love is
Alive and kicking *

I think my man is suffering.

Reassuring tunes, coming up.

* Come on, baby

* Don't fear the Reaper

* Baby, take my hand

* Don't fear the Reaper

* We'll be able to fly

MAY: Following my encounter
with the infernal Peugeot,

I had also thrown
caution to the wind.

-(DEVICE BEEPS)
-Hang on, fellow,

we're making up the lost time.

(DEVICE BEEPS)

Shortcut.

What's this?

-(DEVICE BEEPS)
-Cock.

-(DEVICE BEEPS)
-Cocking Nora.

Might have lost
a few seconds in that.

HAMMOND: Oh, no.

I've got a Porsche ambulance
behind me.

Hammond, get out of my way!

I'm coming through
in a Porsche Turbo!

Brakes are definitely failing.

This is the trouble with the
privatised ambulance service

that we have created here.

It's a race, really.

MAY: Beautifully controlled.

Patient rested.

Hammond, move, move, move!

Right. Nitrous.

-(NITROUS ENGAGES)
-Whoa!

-(GRUNTING)
-(DEVICE BEEPING)

He's gone, he's gone.
And he's gone badly wrong.

CLARKSON:
Hammond has stuffed it.

Nearly there.

Sorry about the noise.
You'll be fine.

HAMMOND: Sorry.

We're going to get
a lot done in 10 seconds.

CLARKSON: We're getting
near the hospital now.

Stay with me. Stay with me!

Oh, yes!

First at the hospital.

That is a victory.

Damn it! May is already there.

But my patient is still alive.

Okay. Ready. Boot opening.

Patient delivery
system, engaged.

Here we go.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

-I give you one alive patient,
delivered to a hospital.
-(MAY CLEARS THROAT)

CLARKSON: Where is yours?

-Oh, he's, erm...
He got better.
-Did he?

-Yeah.
-Did he?

I did say, did I not,
at the beginning
of this item,

the process of recovery begins
in the club class ambulance

and, in fact, it worked.

-James, where is he?
-In the pub, I imagine.

-He can't be in the pub,
he was wounded!
-Why not?

He was dying
and got 10 minutes to live.

-Right, down here.
This looks good.
-(DEVICE BEEPS)

CLARKSON:
Oh, wait a minute.
Here he comes.

And now, coup de grace.

Patient to hospital.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

CLARKSON: Hammond,
you blithering idiot!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)

Thank you.

Well, there we are.

Despite Hammond's
catastrophic failure
at the end there,

I think there were a number
of very important points
made in that film.

But now we must work out

which of our ambulances
was the best.

Absolutely, and over here
we have the scoreboard.

And we start
with the drag race.

-Now, Jeremy, you won that.
-I did.

So you get 10 points.

Uh, I came second,
I get 5.

Richard Hammond,
you were last,

and for that,
you get nought.

Yep, okay, fair enough.
Then we move on to lap times.

Now, remember,
you get a point

for every second
your ambulance got
round the track

-driven by The Stig
in under three minutes.
-Yes.

HAMMOND: I get 43 points.
CLARKSON: Yep.

HAMMOND: There we go.

-Jeremy, you did it in...
-2.24.

So you get, uh, it's 36.

CLARKSON: 36 points.
HAMMOND: Yeah.

And now, James, um...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

HAMMOND: Yours works out,
I'm afraid,

at minus 568 there.

-Rubbish!
-No, I'm afraid your
tailgate coming down,

that let you down badly.

All right, never mind.
Let's move on,
medical procedures.

Now, uh, I performed
two of those,

you get 7 points for each one,
so I got 14 points.

Richard Hammond,
you actually performed three,

so you get 21 points.

Uh, no, hang on a minute.
I did four,

because I did the intestines,
the catheter, the drip

and I did the airway.

Yeah, but you weren't
asked to do the airway.

-Yes, but I did it.
-You could've done
a breast enlargement,

it wouldn't have made any
difference to your points.

You were asked to do three
things, you did them,

now stop moaning.
What did I get?

Yeah, well, this is
the interesting thing,

because you, I'm afraid,
got nought.

Oh, that's 'cause
I was rather transfixed

by my patient's...thing.

* Trust in me...

No, I was.

I went round one corner,
it nearly went in my mouth.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-Yes.

That would've been bad.

Let's move on to value.

-Uh, Richard Hammond, yours
was the most expensive.
-It was.

-Can you believe it?
-I know. Well...

-Difficult, but, uh,
you get nought.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

Uh, Jeremy Clarkson, yours
was very slightly cheaper,

-so you get 5.
-CLARKSON: Yeah.

Mine was very much cheaper,
at just £1,800,

I get 10.

CLARKSON: 10 points there.

-OK, moving on.
Now, sirens.
-Yeah.

Mine, uh, was rubbish,
really, I'll confess.

-It was.
-Yeah, it was.
So I get nought there.

CLARKSON: It was childish
and rubbish.

Jeremy, yours didn't
work either, did it?

Oh, it didn't.
Wasn't childish,
it just didn't work.

HAMMOND:
It was rubbish.

James, you get
minus 461 for that one.

How do you work that out?

Well, because not only
was your siren inaudible,

but it doesn't actually
say "ambulance"

on the front
of your ambulance.

-Yes, it does!
-It doesn't.

It doesn't, because,
look, you've written
the word backwards,

but you've got the letters
the right way around still.

Yes, I know, but the
shop where I went

didn't have back-to-front
ambulance lettering.

Yes, yes, and
as a result of that,

you are now on
exactly minus 1,000.

-Yes, you are.
-That's absolutely remarkable.

That's incredible.
Incredible maths,
but there we are.

It doesn't matter,
I'm gonna claw
something back here.

The race to the hospital.

Yeah, you are.
Because you came first.

-Mmm-hmm.
-For that, you get 10 points.

-Jeremy, you came second,
so it's 5 points for you.
-Yes.

And I came stone-dead last,

so I get no points
on that particular one.

Oh, now look, here we are.

James is back to...

Yeah, minus 990.

HAMMOND: Yeah, I know.
He's catching up.

Right, delivery systems.

Now, mine it didn't
really work, did it?

No, well, your door
didn't work one time,

and you fired a man through
a window the second time,

so that's definitely no.

Yeah, that did happen.

James, you didn't actually
have a patient to deliver.

No, you didn't.

HAMMOND: So I'm afraid
you get minus 10 for that.

Oh, no. All gone wrong.

Yeah, Jeremy, yours did work.

It did, so you get 5 points.
Right.

So hang on a minute.
Hang on, hang on, hang on...

This is close.

Not with you, obviously,
James, but Hammond and I,

I'm only now...

I'm only three points
behind you.

-Yeah, you are.
-And we arrive at this bit.

OK, this is the condition of
the patient when he arrived...

Well, I say "he",
the "she", whatever it was.

-...arrived at the hospital.
-Yeah.

So, ahem, here we go.
James May...

-Yes.
-Your patient condition was...

Missing.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

-Yes. Presumed dead.
-Yeah.

-Yeah, dead.
-So you score...

-Uh, nought.
-Right, nought.

-The condition of
Hammond's patient?
-Dead.

-Right, so he scores...
-Nought.

Ahem, and the condition
of my patient?

Your patient, Jeremy,
was alive.

-And so I score...
-One.

What do you mean, one?

It's nought for dead,
one for alive.

I was the only one
of the three of us

who got a patient
to a hospital alive,

and that matters!

Yes, and that's why
you got that point.

So you're saying that because
I only get one point, I'm...

That means
I now lose to you,

even though your van
was slow, expensive,

its brakes caught fire
every time you tried
to slow down,

and it killed everybody
who got into the back of it.

Yep.

And the only reason you won
is because you happened to be

good at putting a tube
in a ladyboy's sausage.

Yep.

Which means that you,
Richard Hammond,

have single-handedly ruined
the National Health Service.

Yep.

And on that bombshell,
it's time to end.

Thank you so much
for watching.

See you again next week.
Good night.

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