Top Gear (2002–…): Season 14, Episode 1 - Episode #14.1 - full transcript

Tonight - James gets lost in a Lamborghini.

Richard drives over a bridge in a Ferrari.

And I wear a small hat in an Aston Martin.

Hello! Thank you!

Thank you very much, thank you.

We're back! We're back.

And while we were off air, the three of us had a bit of an argument

about what would be the best car to take on a Grand Tour of Europe.

I reckon, and I'm right,

it's the Aston Martin DBS Volante.

Richard says, no, it isn't,



it's the Ferrari California,

and James - who's a bit weird -

says it's the Lamborghini Gallardo, the new one with the 560-horsepower engine.

Well, it is.

No, it isn't!

What that is is a two-seater, mid-engine, 560-horsepower supercar.

What you want for a Grand Tour is engine at the front,

nice comfy suspension,four seats and a boot for all your luggage.

Exactly, like the Aston.

Well, yeah, it's the best apart from the fact that the Ferrari costs GBP140,000,

the Lambo GBP150,000 and the Aston is the best part of GBP170,000.

Yes.

And it's the slowest to 60mph.

Yes.



And it's got the smallest top speed.

Yes. But...That's a V8, that's a V10,

that's a V12. More is better.

No! It is.

Isn't.It is.

It isn't.

I'll hold my breath.

He is now holding his breath.

Anyway. The producers said that the only real way to sort this out

was to take these cars on an actual Grand Tour.

So we thought, "Yes! South of France,

or Italy,or the Black Forest."

But then they said no. They said that we had to take them...to Romania.

This is what springs to mind when we think about Romania.

Not that we do very often.

We imagine it's full of oxes and

people throwing stones at gypsies.

So you'd imagine that turning up in cars like this might look like showing off.

We did, too.

Coming here in a car that costs GBP168,000

is a bit like turning up in the Sudan in a suit

made entirely out of food.

'But then we arrived in the Black Sea town of Mamaia.

{\a6}{\fn??????}{\c&HFFDC35&\fs16}

'And it wasn't really what we were expecting.'

My God!

Jag. Porsche. Ferrari. Ferrari.

Audi R8 V10. Another Ferrari.

If Simon Cowell came here they'd put him on income support.

Look at it!

That's a 430. That's a 599.

OK. We're not as conspicuous as I first feared.

Have you ever seen the like, Hammond?

No, it's staggering!

'And then, just when we thought the car park couldn't get any better...'

Oh my God! That is, isn't it?

It is a Dacia Sandero.

That is it.

I think this is the 1.6.

I think it is the 1.6.

I forgot that this is where the Sandero is from.

I've been thinking about that car for two years.

'Sadly, before he could think about it any more,

'a challenge arrived.'

"You are here to seek out a road "built by a former dictator.

"Officially it's called the Transf... Transfi..."

That. Trans...

Transfgs...

"..Transfagarasan Highway.

Unofficially it's known as Ceausescu's Folly.

"People speak of it in hushed whispers.

"They say it's the best road in the world."

So we're here to look for it.

We've got to find it.

We decided to look in the mountains,which were 300 miles away.

And on the journey, each of us would hope to prove our car was best.

Yes, if you used facts and figures

when buying a car, you probably would end up with the Lamborghini or the Ferrari,

in the same way that if you used facts and figures to buy a house,

you'd end up in Dunfermline.

Because you get a lot more for your money.

This is a whole new type of car for Ferrari.

This is the first with the V8 engine in the front.

It's the first direct injection engine they've produced,

it's the first Ferrari with a metal folding roof.

This is the first time Ferrari have produced a car with a DSG gearbox

which means you get absolutely seamless gear changes.

This isn't a Ferrari for the track,

it's for long journeys exactly like this one.

'And now James had the chance to explain

"why he brought a mid-engine two-seater supercar on a Grand Tour.'

By driving around in a Lamborghini,you are actually doing the world a favour.

Because it's a thing of beauty,other people can look at it and they can enjoy it.

It's like owning one of Raphael's virgins

and running around the streets holding it above your head

rather than just putting it on the wall.

'So that we could talk to each other on our long journey,

'we decided to pull over and connect our phones into the cars' Bluetooth systems.

'In the Aston and the Lamborghini,this was very easy.'

Bluetooth, on.

Press enter to continue.

Bluetooth on the phone.

'However, in the Ferrari...'

'Every new phone must be prepared before it is used.'

Yes, preparing my phone.

'You may have...'

Yes, yes, yes.

'..so that you can press the phone's button and say "Call Mary"

to place a call to Mary.

'Pressing the VR button while the system is speaking...'

Please stop!

Synchronising...yes!

I'm there! I'm connected! I'm Bluetoothed!

Bluetooth switched on. Oh, joy.

'..Home, work, mobile or pager.'

Work! I'm at work!

'Name, please.'

Richard! How does that help?!

'Please repeat the name after the beep.'

'With our phones connected -eventually - we put our roofs up,

'which, without wishing to boast,you can do on the move in the Aston,

'and then we were ready for a motorway blast to Bucharest.'

Oh! There's the V12!

"1 2 5 0 8
'1, 2, 5, 0, 8...'

What?!

"...0 2 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 1
'..0, 2, 0, 0, 0,'0, 0, 0, 1, 1, 1...'

CLEAR!

'Then we did what we weren't supposed to do.'

In 3, 2, 1, go!

Oh, yeah, this is what we mustn't do.

It just has the legs, that Ferrari.

Just, just, just.

Yeah, this might be a GT car,but it's...

It's not a slouch.

Aston Martin has gone to simply enormous lengths

to make the DVS convertible as light as possible.

It has a carbon-fibre bonnet,

carbon-fibre wings,

carbon-fibre boot,

carbon-fibre door-pulls, even.

They've even made the carpet out of a specially lightweight weave.

And the results speak for themselves.

This is by far and away the heaviest car of the three.

Have you noticed something, Hammond?

What?

I don't see a black Lamborghini anywhere near us.

What, you mean the one that is on paper the fastest here?

'James was merrily tootling along,

'apparently under the illusion he was presenting his wine programme.'

Good place to stop for a bag of grapes.

There's three more people holding up grapes, there's a fourth...

a fifth, a sixth. I think we're well covered for grapes, there.

'Meanwhile, Hammond's Ferrari had decided all on its own 'to make a telephone call.'

'Selected. Calling...Vernon Kay.'

What?! Vernon...?

'Is this correct?'

Why are you calling Vernon Kay?

Why are you doing that?

'Hello?'

Vernon?

'Hi?'

Hello, mate,it's Richard Hammond.

'For miles, our convoy ruled the road. But then...'

Oh, my God! Look here!

What's that?! Wha..?

That's the Dacia Sandero.

I'm going to see if I can hold on to the back of it.

The 1.2 16-valve -that thing can shift!

Come on! Keep up with the Sandero!

'Hammond's Ferrari might have got it, but unfortunately...'

Why are you doing that now?

Why are you calling Vernon Kay again?

'Hi, Richard!'

Vernon! Er, it's Richard Hammond. Again.

Er...I'm really sorry.

'No, it's fine. I'm just in the studio, everyone's stopped work...'

Good. Good.

'While refuelling on the outskirts of Bucharest,

'James and Richard bought me a present.'

Great(!)

What now?

My life is complete, that's what.

Very big round here, apparently.

'And then James thought of a new game.'

Why don't we have a sat-nav challenge?

Because mine is a German one and will be superior.

It's Audi, isn't it? It is.

Good idea. We can start here.

Ready steady go, set your sat-nav for the People's Palace.

I know it exists. First to get to the People's Palace is the winner.

Are you ready?

Yes.

Steady? Yes.

Go!

Now, I should explain before we start, I have a Volvo system.

Unanimously, everybody agrees it's the worst sat-nav in the world.

Rise! Rise!

'Mercifully, in the California,

the sat-nav system was much better than the Bluetooth.'

Nearby point of interest, that's the first order of business.

'Whereas in the Lambo,

James was regretting his new game.'

Country.

I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q...
I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q...

It goes from Portugal to Sam...

How can it not have...?

The Italians don't acknowledge the existence of Romania.

1-1-7
. 1 1 7

1 1
1-1...

No, no, no. 1 to 42, that is all.

Right, I've got it.

No! No, no!

Er, People's Palace? People?

Not the best present I've ever had,if I'm honest,

but it's tactless to just ignore them.

'Please follow the road.'

Yes.I will gladly follow the road,

for...7.3kms.

Technology and I are now getting on absolutely fine.

'Calling Stephen Accountant.'

No, no, no, don't do that.

Go to the roundabout here. Yep.

And here...

Here in sub... No.

One of the most irritating things about the Volvo system that Aston use,

is that it tells you where you've been.

Which is only of any use if you think your wife's having an affair.

James was now on the move,

but obviously his map had been drawn by a distant relative.

When he said roundabout, did he mean roundabout?

Or did he mean crossroads?

Fortunately, the producers had given me a Romanian phrasebook.

Unfortunately,it was a bit confusing.

the sat-nav race was hotting up.

Hammond! Get him!

What's he doing here?

Come on!

I'm winning by 1.5 metres.

I found it first.

No, I found it with my eyes.

No, you didn't. I found it first.

This...

But when we saw the People's Palace,

we sort of stopped.

Today it's the Romanian Parliament building.

But it was once the private house of notorious dictator Nicolae Ceausescu.

If that's his idea of a house,

what's his idea of a road gonna be like?

You know that is the heaviest building in the world?

That's what you'd build, isn't it?

It is. A million cubic metres of marble in there.

Ceausescu was a mental, wasn't he? Complete mental.

And an unpleasant mental.

He had people go ahead of him and paint the leaves green, wherever he went.

As we waited,

James had become really lost.

That's it.

While we waited we were informed we might get a visit from a local dignitary.

The Secretary General of the Chamber of Deputies.

Jeremy, you are familiar with the local customs, aren't you?

What?

Penis out. When she stands to shake hands, you just plop it in.

And that's what you do.

That's how it works.

Hello, sir. Hello.

It was a Lam...Lam...Lamborghini.

Behold the People's Palace.

James, you lost that one. Quite badly.

While waiting for James the local dignitary had given us permission

to drive in the network of tunnels underneath the government building.

This, we feel, is not something that would be allowed in Britain.

Start the music!

Jeez, there's a corner there!

Dust. Dust!

Can't see a thing!

We then decided to bring a bit of science to the party.

That is a decibel-o-meter and I'm going to see how loud the Ferrari is. Ready?

Not too bad, 70...82.

89? 89

I saw an 89 average. -I saw 89. -89, yeah.

What a lot of dust, jeez.

It's quite dusty down there.

This is our best game yet.

All you need to play this game,

in case you're interested at home,

is a People's Palace, with a tunnel underneath it. Yeah.

Three supercars and a cheap app and you're there! You're there!

It turned out that all three cars were equally loud.

So, we abandoned the science

and went to the pub.

Where we were just in time to catch the local version of Top Gear.

SPEAKS IN ROMANIAN

I just wish that girl would get out the way,

so we could see the car more!

I bet that would sound good in the tunnels.

What a magnificent thing.

We'll pick that, er,

we'll pick that up later on.

But now it is time to do the news.

And we begin with a story from Australia, in fact.

Er, Australian authorities

are really going to get tough on boozed up fans

at the Bathurst Motor Race.

Well, I say motor race, it's actually a fight

between rival gangs of Ford supporters and GM supporters.

OK, now the way they've cracked this, is they say

each fan is going to be limited to just 24 cans of lager each per day.

Just 24?

24 a day, no more than that.

And Australians, don't think you can get round this by switching to wine,

because that's limited as well,

to four litres a day.

Do you know what they're doing,to get round it?

What, Australians? Yeah.

Australians are going there two weeks before the race

and burying beer.

We have an Australian guest on later,

I'm going to talk to him about this. I'm fascinated. Yes.

Now. We must move on. We must.

McLaren have a announced a new supercar, here it is.

It's called the MP4-12C.

Mmmm. That'll sound good with adenoids.

"Wanna come for a ride in my MP4 dash 12C?"

No, I don't, it sounds like a telephone.

However, um, interesting thing about this car particularly

is the previous McLaren supercars, the F1 and the Merc SLR,

were very, very expensive.

This - GBP170,000.

-Oh, cheap.-Oh, that's all right then.

As I said that I realised...

I know what you mean it's cheap-er.

Absolutely.

It's same...Half the price of the SLR.

This is the first time they've put their own engine into it,

3.8 litre 2 turbo V8, so there's a lot of exciting things about it.

I hope that works, McLaren have had a rotten week.

All their vehicles have been recalled,

cos they've been amputating peoples' limbs.

No that's not... no, yeah.

What?

It's not the vehicles, mate,

it's the prams, the pushchairs,

Maclaren buggies.

Oh! I thought Rowan Atkinson had had his arm cut off by his car. -No.

It's Maclaren prams?

Yes, the buggies, the pushchairs.

Oh, God!

Interesting thing about this story

is it's come about because of 12 cases in the States

of children having their fingers amputated.

So, as a result they've recalled all the pushchairs.

But the pushchairs are the same all over the world

and it's only in the States they're recalling them. Not here.

No, there's a very good reason for that though.

British parents are more...

What's the word I'm looking for?

Intelligent. Yes!

Cos how could you? Hey!

US ACCENT: I can't shut this buggy down,

there's these pink things in the way.

I've got the kid screaming his head off! Shut-up, Junior.

That's got it!

Stop yelling.

It's...there you go.

Now, do you want to combine your love of camping,

with your love of buying the wrong Porsche?

No, because I have good news, OK?

Because you can now buy, um, well,

it's a new type of Boxster, OK?

With a tent on the top of it.

Here it is.

Look at that roof!

It looks like a tramp's hat.

It's called the Boxster Spyder

and it's a super lightweight version.

It only weighs 1,250 kilos, top speed

166mph, 0-60 in 4.8 seconds.

And it's that fast because it's got a very clever gearbox.

It's called a... it's...

Well, it's...

Is it German?

It's a German name. And it's complicated.

Let me just spell this out -

it's a D-O-P-P-E-L

K-U-P-P-L

U-N-G

S-G-E-T...

R...

I-E...

B...

E.

That's what it is...I...

Can we? Get it on the screen.

Are there any Germans here?

That's a long word!

That is a...

Do you know what that means?You speak German.

I do.

What's the only German you can say?

Naturlich ist Hans nass, er steht unter dem Wasserfall

What's that mean?

Naturally Hans is wet he's standing under a waterfall.

OK.

I use it all the time.

That's kind of a one shot deal,isn't it?

Er, anyway, if you want the wrong car,

which has no door handles,

and no air conditioning and no radio

and has a tent on the top of it,

then there you are,

the Boxster double line. Spyder.

It's not got all those things to keep it light

cos it's still GBP44,000.

GBP44,000, you don't even get door handles.

We've been sent this.

It's an eco-friendly, portable,

disposable, cardboard lavatory,

for use by the side of the road.

The idea is you're driving along, you get caught a bit short,

can't find the nearest karzy,

you pop this out, erect it and do what you have to do.

Are you about to tell us you have been caught short? No.

Cos I don't think you should.

No, I was going to say,

we shall give this a fair test on Top Gear

by giving it to the world's most practical man, Clarkson.

What you want me to build it?

I do.

Oh, God, I hate this sort of thing.

Where's the instructions?

Have you ever noticed,

watching him do anything practical,

it's like watching an orangutan?

It is! Look at his face.

-Honestly, look at his face,-it goes all...It's very long.

He's happy, but confused.

They actually put a picture of Jeremy on the bag, look,

showing you how to assemble it.

These instructions, look!

They bear no relation, as always,

to the thing they're supplied with.

See, he's doing the ape thing.

And bear in mind,

you have to erect this...

while basically desperate for a number two, with...

I was going to say...

With lorries going by.

Could you erect this while you were touching cloth? You can?

See if you can get that erected.

I'm prepared to bet that question has never been asked on any other car show.

She's good.

How've you done that?

She's bloody done it, look.

That was it.

How did you do that?

Look she's made a lavatory.

You did what?

I'm female.

You're a...she's a female.

So, you just put that up at the side of the road and then...

There's no need to demonstrate!

How did you think that was going to go?

How did you think that was going to work?

You great dumb ape.

Do you know what, honestly?

I'd rather just crap myself.

I think I just did!

Can we move on?

I'm not the world's most unpractical man. -You are.

I am, actually. You're right.

Anyway, we've got to get on.

Yes, anyway, we've had a letter.

It's literally from some bankers

and it says,

"Dear Top Gear, this time last year

we didn't have any money,

"but the Government has given us some now.

"However, we don't want the public to know that we're loaded again,

"so we need really fast, expensive cars that are quite discreet.

"Can you help? Yours sincerely, some bankers."

Well, as it happens, yes, we can help.

And we begin with something from BMW.

This here is the BMW 760Li.

Or to give it it's other name -

the BMW Move Over Poor Person.

Because this is the biggest,most expensive

and most powerful car BMW makes.

It has a six litre V12,

which sounds like plenty.

But, obviously,someone at BMW thought, "No".

So, for a bit of extra "schnell,"

this car has got two turbo chargers.

The result is 544 BHP.

And the power station under the bonnet is connected to

a brand new eight speed gearbox.

Put all that together and even someone as laid back as me

can quite easily, look, get a bit of a lick on.

It'll batter most 911's in a sprint to 60,

and de-limited, it would hit 188 miles per hour.

But those numbers only tell half the story.

This is a bizarre kind of fast.

It's quiet and relaxed and smooth.

It's like swimming over a waterfall of double cream.

A luxurious waterfall, too.

The 760 has seats that massage you,

and an SAS spec night vision system.

And here's a clever thing.

Pulling up to this junction,

the view is quite obstructed,

I can't really see what's coming.

But if I press this button,

there are little cameras mounted on the wings

that give you eyes on the side of your head. It's like being a rabbit.

And the price?

A smudge under GBP100,000.

If you have that sort of money to spend on a car,

there's a good chance you'll want to pay someone to drive it for you.

So that's exactly what I've done,I've got myself a chauffeur.

He's in a bit of a bad mood to be honest,

because I've told him this is my test.

It's not about tyre smoke and going sideways.

Dignified driving is what I want.

This version of the seven series is only available

as a long wheel base model,

which means you get an extra five inches of leg room in the back.

Doesn't sound like much, but it makes a world of difference.

And I can watch the TV.

I've got something on here, it's interesting, it's about antiques...

What are you doing, man?

Bloody hell!

Oh, God, I see the problem.

The Mercedes S63 has turned up,

that's the other car I was going to test,

and that sort of puts Stigs on heat.

That S-class is actually the AMG tuned version.

Apparently it's a bit of a rocket ship,

I can see why Stig's got the red mist.

Luckily, Stig's a bit too stupid

to work out where all the driver aids are on this.

Oh no, he's found it.

Stig has put the dynamic driving control into sport plus,

that sharpens up throttle response and gear changes!

Bloody Nora.

God, he's switched the stability control off altogether...

That locks up the rear differential for extra....ow! Hooligan!

So, the Mercedes. The most powerful non-turbo V8 car in the world.

It costs the same as the BMW,

it comes only in business class,long wheel base form, like the BMW,

and like the BMW, it's dripping with technology.

Even the interior lighting has three different colour settings.

In fact, there's such a bewildering array of gizmos on both cars,

that it's almost impossible to choose between them.

We're going to make it easier with a game of Top Trumps.

Here's my opponent, the Stig.

It's like normal Top Trumps,

except all of Stiggy's cards are the BMW,

and all of mine are the Mercedes. Ready?

OK, TV screens.Mercedes has TV in the front.

BMW...I know the answer to this,

it's got two, isn't it?

Front and rear, so you win that pair.

Climate control.

Mercedes - two zone.

And the BMW, we know,

has four zone climate control,

so you win that pair.

It's not difficult.

Seat massage system. Mercedes -front and rear seat massage.

And the BMW, massage seat only in the front, so I win that pair.

Right, BHP...

OK, that's not working,

so let's go back to the traditional,philistine Top Gear method.

A drag race.

I went in the Mercedes with Stig at the wheel.

I think I'll have "Firm massage" for this.

The BMW quickly took the lead.

And stayed there till the end.

That made Stig so angry he went home.

So, the S-class. When you drive it,

you realise it's got much more of a split personality than the BMW.

On the one hand, it has lots of very civilising features,

it has active body control,

and it's so clever it can detect a cross-wind and compensate for it.

It even has a drowsiness sensor to prevent you from nodding off.

But put your foot down and suddenly it erupts with typical AMG volcanic storm and fury.

And here's something that really baffles me.

On the dashboard I have a race timer

that allows you to record your lap times. But why?

I mean, in a 911 GT3, yes.

But who's that for?

Sir Alan Sugar on a track day?

And that's the problem with the Mercedes,

it has a strangely confused personality.

And for that reason,

Mercedes S63 AMG...

..you're fired.

So, let's just get this straight.

Quite wrongly, you prefer the BMW.

No, I think they're both completely pointless.

Couldn't agree with you more.

They are absolutely pointless.

And now, I'm afraid,

we must dive even more deeply into the murky waters of their irrelevance

by handing them over to our tame racing driver.

Some say, that in the autumn,

all his arms go brown and fall off.

{\a6\fn??????\c&HFFDC35&\fs16}

And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence,

{\a6\fn??????\c&HFFDC35&\fs16}

he would at least get your name right.

All we know is, he's called the Stog

You mean the Stig.

That's what I said. I said it!

And they're off!

It is very wet out there,

tiny wiggle of the hips from the BMW as the turbos spool up.

Here's something not very interesting,

that 760 has BMW's first petrol V12 with two turbos.

That is much more interesting there,

he's going very sideways!

{\c&H26F4FF&}{\fs14}MUSIC: "Rabbit" By Chas and Dave

I should say the Stig is deeply saddened

{\a6\fn??????\c&HFFDC35&\fs16}

that Chas and Dave have split up.

This is his way of getting through the pain.

That BMW is very sideways there,

coming up to the hammerhead we're expecting understeer here

from these two-tonne barges.

And, yep, the seven series is ploughing wide, but more composed.

I suspect because the traction control can't be fully switched off.

Here we are, follow-through.

It really is wet out there.

Stig would be better off in an actual barge, I think.

Quick through the tyres,

look up "brave" in the dictionary it says "See The Stig".

Two corners left.

BMW's all over the shop.

That let the S-class ahead,

but they're evenly matched coming through Gambon!

Across the line!

Does it go here?

No, it doesn't.

Does it go here?

No, it doesn't.

Go on then.

Right, the Mercedes S63 did it there in 1.32.1.

The BMW did it in... 1.31.2

There we are. If you are a banker

and you like to get anywhere in a big hurry,

go for the BMW.

Consumer advice for you there.

Now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight, it seems,always wanted to be a racing driver,

but then he accidentally ended up being in films like

Star Trek, Finding Nemo,

Blackhawk Down, Troy,

and so on and so forth.

So, here to find out what on earth went wrong,

from somewhere called Australia,

ladies and gentlemen, Eric Bana!

Good to see you, how are you?

Very well, very well.

Have a seat.

A proper superstar is here!

What's in there?

There?

It's water, it's OK, it won't have anything dangerous in it. -Yeah.

This Bathurst Motor Race we were talking about,

have you heard about the beer thing?

They're limiting the amount of beer each fan can take to 24 cans a day.

That's a serious restriction.

That's practically tee-totalling, isn't it?

This rivalry between Ford and GM,

it's ingrained from birth,isn't it, in all Australians?

It's pretty deep seated.

They were the two main manufacturers, if you're my age,

when you were growing up. It was, you know,

the General Motors product which was Holden,

Commodores and Toranas and for me it was Falcons.

I said to the two guys,

the two Aussies who are here in the audience somewhere,

I said "Eric Bana's coming on,"they went "Ah, Ford bloke."

That was it. You're a Ford bloke

so you're no good. You're a Ford bloke,

they're Holden blokes.

Completely discounted me, huh?

Yeah, exactly.

It seems to me that Bathurst combines everything, really,

that you need in Australia.

Outside cooking, obviously.

Drinking and sport.

This sport thing, it's weird,

cos you're no good at it.

Oh, really?

Really? Cite a couple of examples.

The Ashes.

The most recent one,

the most recent one.

Rugby, the other day?

Didn't we beat you last week?

We weren't playing! It was Jonny

Wilkinson and some lawyers.

Do you know the best thing about having an Aussie here,

and I don't know if it's the same in Australia,

there are very few countrymen or countrywomen that we can tease.

Australia and England, it seems to me, are the last two countries

where if you can go there and go,

"Hide your wallet under the soap, he won't find it there."

If you said to the Americans you lost in Vietnam!

They just don't find that funny.

I mean, to be honest, we're happy, we ended up in the best country.

It's not a bad second prize as far as you're concerned. -It's dangerous.

It's quite dangerous, Australia. -Why?

How old are you?

41.

You must be the oldest Australian that hasn't been eaten by a shark

or bitten by a spider that killed him.

That's what happens when you have great beaches. Ha ha!

We've got great beaches. -Oh, you do!

I know. Awesome surf, too.

At least we have nice names.

Give me an example.

The thing I love about Australia

is the literal names.

"We've got this big, sandy desert in the middle, what shall we call it?

"The Great Sandy Desert."

"We've got this reef off the coast, it's like a barrier.

"The Great Barrier Reef."

This is, of course, as opposed to...

The White Cliffs of Dover,

Yeah.

-Green Park. -That's true, Green Park isn't very good.

Four Weddings And A Funeral.

That wasn't a very good...

What about Mad Max?

"It's about a bloke who's mad and he's called Max."

Perfect title.

I want to get on to the car thing,

cos let's be honest, this proper love that you have,

you are now a bona fide Australian racing driver.

I just have a bit of fun in the Australian GT series,

which is like your version of, it'd be FIA, GT3 racing,

so I'm in a Porsche cup car, 911.

But you're pretty good, it's not like you're some actor who's...

I don't know. I enjoy it

and I'd never stop doing it,

I'm just, you know, I'm obsessed.

Do you say "I'm not gonna do that film because I wanna do that race?"

Is this on in America?

America is the only country in the world this isn't shown.

Of course I've done that! Are you kidding me!

Good man!

Everywhere else in the world will hear that, but not America.

They'll never find out.

If I could just say, you've been in some massive films,

but the one that seems to me to be closest to your heart is the one

you've just brought out now,

which is Love The Beast.

Love The Beast.

Tell me about that,

because it's a very small film compared to, let's say, Troy.

It's a documentary I directed.

I, one day, was looking at my beast,

which is my Ford Falcon coupe.

I've had this car since I was 15.

And I thought this actually isn't a car,

it's some kind of a personal possession

that gets carted around through all kinds of different circumstances.

I started thinking more and more about that, and how cars,

objects in particular, cars,

I feel can transcend themselves to become something else.

I feel very deeply about it.

I couldn't agree more. -Right.

I really do believe that cars take on a personality.

Not all cars, but some do.

So this film is about your relationship with this car?

Yeah, and then I was competing in Targa Tasmania that year,

so I thought well, we'll just make the rally

a bit of an action backdrop to this story

about a guy having a car for his whole life.

Having a relationship with a car. -Yeah.

OK, we have a clip here

which I'd like to show everyone.

3..2..1..go!

Then a five left.

It's slippery apparently.

I feel like I'm breaking in a horse.

I feel like both horses are learning, me and the car.

Take the left, we need to stay on.

Six left, one-two right, 100.

Cut up here.

Jeez!

That hurt?

I think what hurt the most was

just knowing it was gonna happen,

you know, before it happened.

I could have told you that,

if you've got a muscle car, you go round a corner,

you're gonna hit a tree.

Now you end wondering whether to rebuild that car again.

True.

One of the things I was facing...

Whilst I was shooting the documentary,

I never planned on crashing the bloody car.honestly

You know, I'd killed it basically,

and then for a couple of months we thought it was...

It was dead and that we couldn't in fact repair it.

And I decided that if it required a reshell,

that I would not rebuild the car.

But does it? -It doesn't.

So you're gonna rebuild it again?

We're gonna rebuild it again.

You realise everything you earned from Star Trek

is going to be lost the next time you try to go round a

corner when you've rebuilt it. -Yeah.

Now, obviously, you didn't come thousands of miles

to just sit and talk about this.

You came to have a go out there in the reasonably priced car.

So, how was it?

It was slippery,

but it was a lot of fun.

It's been a while since I've driven such a reasonably priced car.

Who would like to see Eric's lap?

Yes!

Let's have a look!

That is slippery.

I'll never play Test cricket,

but I'll drive the Top Gear track!

First corner, now...

Oooh, you see, there's somebody who knows how to drive, look at that!

Feel the grip from the reasonably priced Lacetti now.

Get over!

Were you really putting your heart and soul into this?

Yes, you were! -I'm not even

going to pretend I don't care what my lap time is.

Get out of the way, birds!

Look, non-dangerous birds.

Not like those ones that burst on your windscreen,

showering you in worms which is what happens in Australia.

Ooh, bit of understeer there.

Lots of understeer there.

Time to put it away.

Ah, these slots!

Gearbox, sorry about that.

Hasn't mended.

Follow throyuth, I may need to ask you, flat through there?

Flat.

And flat through the tyres,

I'm guessing.

Yep, that looks pretty flat to me.

Second to last corner,

this is the tricky one.

I don't think I ever got this one right.

Let's have a look. You've got to cut it a bit, yes. Perfect.

Now, just Gambon.

Ooh, that's quite legal, most people cheat.

There we are, across the line!

Aha! Now, bearing in mind that that was a wet lap...

It was very slippery. I was waiting for it to dry out, but...

All right! Enough excuses!

It's a wet lap. You were being a racing driver there.

I was looking for the fastest ever wet lap,

which I think was Jamie Oliver on 147.7.

I'm in two minds, I'd like to beat him.

But my wife loves him.

Eric Bana, you did it in 1...

That is the fastest wet lap.....We've ever had.

The fastest.

You are 0.2 of a second faster than a chef.

But you are the fastest Australian.

Is there a wet track Ashes I can take back to Australia?

Tell you what, we'll burn the car and put it in a little thing,

Tell you what, we'll burn the car and put it in a little thing,

you can take it back and Australia can have some ashes. -All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, Eric Bana!

Now, tonight we're in Romania,

looking for the best road in the world.

We're driving an Aston Martin,a Ferrari and a Lamborghini

and so far we'd each decided that our car was the best.

James had got lost, and we'd ended up by mistake in Bucharest.

We left Bucharest the next morning and headed west,

still full of wonderment for this amazing country and our cars.

This car is actually filling me with a sort of primordial lust.

It actually tingles down in my bowels. It's sinful.

I cannot tell you how joyful it is to drive

a V12 sports car with a proper manual gearbox.

Manual gearbox, really in a GT car?

You want that? It's about making your life easier.

Fast, but easier and more comfortable.

If you're gonna go GTing,

Ferrari, surely

Then disaster.

Romania only has 143 miles of motorway

and by 11am we'd used every one of them.

Ah, James, policemen. Many, many traditions and rituals surrounding policemen.

Amongst them, if he has a gun, you must go and unbutton him,

just because that says I trust you with your weapon.

Go and unbutton one.

Righto.

No, just knock his hat off, James.

They think it's funny.

They often express their humour here with gunfire.

We then told James we were stopping to put our wind deflectors up.

But in fact, the real reason we stopped here

is so that I could give him a surprise present.

Oh, God! Is it an ox?

Is it a gypsy? A big one?

Nope.

It's over there.

What, some wood?

In front of the wood.

No!

Yep, seriously.

I have bought you, it's second hand,

but I have bought you a Dacia Sandero.

Really? Yes.

Oh, mate! That's my Dacia Sandero?

No piano's going to land on it, it's not a Morris Marina.

I'm quite touched.

That's fantastic!

Can I drive it?

You go and drive it while we're putting these on.

He's genuinely chuffed to bits!

For two years, I've been dreaming about this car,

and now I was actually driving it.

The Lamborghini is all very well,

that's like the ultimate expression of what a car can be,

but this is the essence of a car.

All the bits you need, nothing more. No flim-flam.

This is a bit of a faff, isn't it?

Ah! A cool, refreshing, communist water.

Jesus!

I could buy that for Hammond,that could be his present.

Listen to this!

Nice throaty little warble from the engine.

It's a happy car. Dacia Sandero.

That is an excellent present.

I don't know what he was thinking of there,

cos his presents are supposed to be irritating,

but that's not irritating. That's superb!

Could you see anything in your screen?

Nothing.

When the roof's down?

As soon as the roof's down, the slightest hint of sun, it's gone.

-You're back! -Ya.

How is it?

-And? -Good fun, basic, small, sporty.

But you haven't got the little side joke, have you?

What?

Well, you can't take it back hand luggage.

I'll drive it back.

All the way? Yeah.

It took 2 and a half days to get here...

No!

Stop!

Stop!

My car's parked there.

You're supposed to look.

Look! Mirrors!

My arse! You just backed straight into it, man!

Why did you leave it parked behind a lorry?

I didn't know there was anybody in it.

I was leaving it out of shot.

I've only had it about half an hour. Yeah.

I think he was saying in Hungarian, or whatever it is,

it's my fault for parking the car.

Well... Probably was.

It sort of is.

Jeez!

Oh, well.

You'd have used it for work and everything, wouldn't you?

Why don't you go away?

It would have made you happier.

There is an old tradition in this country

that on the third Wednesday of every month,

which is what today is,

people with a black T-shirt on

and a picture of a stupid Russian sparkplug shut up.

I liked the Dacia Sandero.

It was honest and simple.

It was refreshing.

It's broken.

As we travelled further west,

the high-tech modern Romania we knew ran out.

It's getting a bit more Borat round here.

{\a6\fn??????\c&HFFDC35&\fs16}

It's gypsy country here.

I am told they can be a bit violent

if they don't like the look of you.

And on top of that,

guess who was leading the convoy?

I'm gonna take a punt on going right now.

Do we know that this is the right way?

Oh, sorry, Hammond, I'm just following May.

You do know what you just said, don't you?

This road is becoming alarmingly lumpy.

I'm worried about my Reventon-style nose.

The nose is too low.

He's gonna have to admit he's brought the wrong car.

Soon, we were really lost.

They're building what can only be...

Yes, it's a public execution.

Where on the map does it say

"Turn right at the partially built gallows?"

That woman has an axe.

That big woman has an axe.She has an axe.

We drove deeper and deeper into Borat country.

But luckily, I brought something that would help me blend in.

I'm wearing this hat,

so gypsies think I am one.

And that's fine.

I'm just a lucky gypsy.

A pools-winning gypsy.

James said the next turning would take us back to the main road.

It didn't.

Holy moly.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, no, wait. If you look what's behind you...

The evidence is not stacking up!

Is this the horse and cart? That's a horse.

We wanted to hit James over the head with a hammer,

but the kids beat us to it.

Are you seeing this?

Did you shrink the man in the car behind?

Did you shrink that man, gypsies?

Getting through the village was bad enough,

getting out of it was even trickier.

Oh, my God, you're joking!

Please fall off! Please fall off! Please fall off!

OK, this is certainly a Grand Tour for these cars.

But with the village behind us and armed with some directions,

it was plain sailing back to the main road.

'He's at the end of the road with another car.'

Thankfully, the damage was light.

My hat!

Give me a washer bottle.

Yeah, it smells of detergent.

Is everybody all right in that car?

That's his second bit of bad luck.

Whose?

James's. That's his second car of the day.

James... Are there any cars you won't destroy?

How many cars have you destroyed today?

I didn't destroy it. I stopped, as you saw.

I saw you driving like an absolute maniac...

Shut up!

..Into this poor man's classic Dacia.

Anyway, James, as you know on Top Gear...

Yes, goodbye.

Thank you.

Our hunt for the fabled road was not going well.

And then it got worse.

It went dark, we couldn't find a hotel,

the petrol stations were closed,and because I was very low on fuel,

I found a quiet dead-end road

and suggested we sleep in the cars.

That put James and Richard in a bit of a mood.

Listen, I can cheer you two up.

Would you like some cannabis?

Yes, please. Right.

-Thanks. -Eh?

That's cannabis. No, specifically,

it says it's Swiss cannabis ice tea.

That's the best sort.

You can get this in petrol stations.

They sell cannabis in petrol stations here?

Would you like some plum liqueur in a bottle the shape of a violin?

Say yes.

Yes, it's just what the doctor ordered.

Oh, dear...God!

It gives you a fantastic natural feeling.

Plum liqueur and cannabis!

That's never been tried before.

Give us a go.

It's good.

So we sleep in our cars?

Yes.

I haven't got a back seat.

I told you,

you brought the wrong car.

When I chose it,

I should have thought "Better get one with a crap back seat!"

Just get in your car.

Well, that's the plum liqueur gone!

We set about our unplanned consumer test.

So, it is a four-seater, they sell it as a four-seater.

That must mean a human being can get in the back.

Sorry! Sorry, everyone.

What are you doing?

It's a design fault.

People are trying to sleep!

I'm gonna sleep in the front.

Bloody hell!

Oh, sorry, mate!

You sleep all right?

Yeah. Yeah, well.

Good.

Did you use the back?

No, I tried...

What's that?

It's a dam.

It's all right, it's quite safe.

I should imagine it was built by the Russians

or the North Koreans. So we'll be fine.

Had I known...

Sorry, mate.

..You'd parked us next to that,

I wouldn't have enjoyed such a deep sleep.

The quality of all Soviet buildings is fantastic.

I'm sure that'll be...

Why don't you shut up?

We set off once more in search of our road.

Oh, my God!

Suddenly, I'm awake.

And soon we reach the mountains where the road surface

became as pimply as a teenager's face.

Look at the road now! It's practically ploughed!

This was yet another problem for James in his supercar.

Please let it end!

The torture went on for hours,

but eventually, the mountains gave up their secret.

Look!

God!

Ha! Ha! That's the most amazing road I've ever seen.

Built in the Seventies,

this is the Transfagarasan Highway.

6,000 tonnes of dynamite were used to make it.

And 40 lives lost.

But from above,

it looks like every great corner

from every great racetrack in the world

has been knitted together to create one unbroken grey ribbon of automotive perfection.

This is what we came here for!

Oh, yes!

Our cars had done motorways

and city centres and gypsy villages,

they'd been slept in and written on,

but now they had a chance to let their hair down.

Oh, that's heavenly.

That traction control in a setting that allows a little bit of slip.

Look at that!

The grip! The balance!

Can't beat the work on this.

But here on this road,

the happiest bunny of us all, was James.

I brought the right car!

Lamborghini pay-back time!

Oh, yeah!

I have to say,

this is one of the two or three best cars in the world right now.

The strange thing is, those two are driving two of the others.

The road just got better and better.

We were wrong!

This is better than the Stelvio.

{\a6\fn??????\c&HFFDC35&\fs16}

This is the best road in the world.

And the Romanian helicopter cameraman wasn't bad either.

What a finale to our Grand Tour!

Just wanna say, Romania,

thank you for having us!

And can we stay?

For ever!

Anyway...

What we learned from our lengthy trip to Romania

was that the Aston Martin, as I predicted at the beginning, was the best.

Except it was the Lamborghini.

The Ferrari was the best.

Look, guys, the two people whose opinion I respect most of all

on all matters motoring -

the Stig and Tiffany Dell -

both say that the Aston Martin is the best car in the world right now.

Well, they're both wrong.

Aha! Let me draw your attention to this.

This is a report of our visit in one of the leading Romanian newspapers,

and look at the caption to this picture here.

It's in Romanian, but I'll translate,

"Jeremy Clarkson in the Aston Martin,

"is the best car in the world,

camera video."

It doesn't say that.

Yes, it does.

On that bombshell,it is time to end.

Thank you so much for watching.Good night!

9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00