Top Gear (2002–…): Season 13, Episode 7 - Producing Volkswagen Scirocco Adverts - full transcript

JEREMY CLARKSON:
Tonight, Richard
has a crisis...

Some sheep on our track...

And James and I go
to the lavatory.

Good evening! Hello!
Hello, everybody.
Thank you very much!

Thank you very much!
Thank you!

Thank you!

Yes, and welcome to
the final show in the series.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Sad.

Now, as I'm sure you know,

we don't often do
consumer advice on this show.
But tonight, we are.



Because you see, if you were
in the market for
a large, fast, spacious,

executive saloon car,
you'd imagine that you'd
be spoilt for choice.

Me, too.

However, Richard Hammond,
who is quite mad,

has decided that every single
one of them has a fatal flaw.

HAMMOND: It really doesn't
matter which one you pick.

Take this for example,
the Audi S4.

Yes, it's fast,
and it's well built,
and it's safe.

But it has one big problem.

It's built entirely
for businessmen.

And real businessmen are not
The Apprentice, Dragons' Den
and Richard Branson,

all helicopters
and hostile takeovers.

They're actually quite dull.

And work in Swindon.



RICHARD HAMMOND:
Their cars aren't cars.

They're uniforms,
silver or black paint,

maybe a splash of wood
on the dash,
and that's your lot.

It doesn't matter
where you go...
Audi, Mercedes, BMW,

they're all so obsessed
with what each other is doing

that they all end up
making exactly the same car.

So, if you don't want
a businessman's sports saloon,

what do you do?

Especially if, like me,
you're a bit of a...

Yes, what we need right now
is something to come
and save the day.

This looks promising.

If you were watching
earlier in the series,

you'll have seen Jeremy
going on about a car

that sounds like it's having
a Lady Chatterley crisis.

And this is it.

The Vauxhall VXR8
Bathurst Edition.

The interesting bit there
is the Bathurst bit.

Because this car
is Australian,

and the Bathurst is
Australia's most famous race.

Basically, it's a place where
Holden and Ford fans go
to have a massive fist fight.

And then in the interval,
when the paramedics go in,

sometimes a car race
breaks out.

And this car, with
its supercharged 6.2 litre V8,
is one hell of a fist fight.

I just love the sound
of a supercharger!

That whine, you can hear
it now, that shriek.

It's an outback choir,
you've got the tenor
of the supercharger,

and then the base of the V8.

And it gets better,
this button here,

it says "Bi-modal" on it.

And if I press that,
it adjusts valves and things

in the exhaust system,
and makes it louder.

What this car does
is go to 11.

I fear that anyone
who likes the Bathurst

is probably quite
a bad businessman.

The world of Power-Point's
will not take you seriously.

But hey, the consolation is
when your business
does eventually go bust,

there's no way in hell
will the bailiff
ever catch you!

0-60 takes just 4.6 seconds.

Top speed,
a limited 155 miles an hour.

Of course,
the Germans will do that too.

But they won't dish out
as much fun when you do this.

Apparently,
the suspension is adjustable.

Presumably from oversteer,
to, "Oh, dear,
we've just crashed!"

Just astonishing!

I'm sorry, if this car
doesn't move you,
that is your problem

not the car's.
It's just a fact.

It costs £45,000,
and for that you get
almost limitless vulgarity.

No spoiler is too big.
No vent is too gaping.

No supercharger too red.

In short the perfect
fast saloon for anyone
who's not a businessman.

I'm thinking, actors,
vicars, professors,

um...

Children.

But, what if you're
a builder or a farmer?

Or anyone who has to move
around loads of stuff?

They really are in
a petrol-head wasteland,
because often as not,

they have to drive about
in something
as slow and dull as this.

I'm sure it's practical,
but 0-60 comes up in...

Well, I've been
on the go for some time
and it hasn't happened yet.

And that's just not fair.

Ideally, what you need
is a combination of that,

and that.

If only such a thing existed.

And for the second time today,

unfortunately, it's Australia
that comes to the rescue.

This is called the Maloo,
which in Aborigine,
means thunder.

Now, strictly speaking,
because it's Australian,

this isn't a pick-up,
it's a Ute.

And you can now buy it
in this country for £37,000,

which sounds like quite a lot.

But you haven't seen yet
how it can enrich your life.

Say you're at the lights
next to the IT boy in
his supercharged Audi.

In a normal pick-up,
when the lights went green,

he'd leave you in a cloud
of business dust.

Not in this one.

HAMMOND: Reining him in!

I'm sorry, fella!

This is the fastest Ute
in the world!

0-60, five seconds.
Top speed, limited to 155.

That means you can
worry people in 911s.

And it's all down to a huge
419 horsepower, 6.2 litre V8.

But that's enough Maths.
Time for a quick
Ute history lesson.

It started in the 1930s,
when a farmer's wife
wrote to Ford of Australia,

complaining that there
was no car that could take her
to church on a Sunday,

and the pigs to market
on a Monday.

The answer was, the Ute,
and the Australians

have worshipped them
ever since.

You might think that
because it's basically
a piece of farm machinery

with a big engine,
drag racing is all it can do.

Not so.

The Maloo loves corners.

In fact, it gets
a bit carried away.

Yep, there's no weight
over the back end,
so it is a bit lively!

And adding weight
to the back doesn't
work that well either.

Oh, no!

My hay-based solution
system needs refining,
but the fact is,

the next time you wake up
and realise that
you're not a businessman,

but you like a fast car,

remember, the Aussies
are here to help.

What are we working with?

I had a good point,
it's a good point.
It's a good point.

Is that your idea of
consumer advice?

Yes.

-You really are a steak
and kidney lock opener.
-Oh, yes.

But we must now find how fast
these cars go round our track.

And that of course means
handing them over
to our tame racing driver.

Some say that he cut
that man's hair.

And that if he compensated
a soldier for getting wounded,

he wouldn't try to
take it all back again.

All we know is,
he's called the Stig!

CLARKSON: And they're off.

Extraordinary whining from
the Bathurst,

just distant thunder
from the Maloo,

as they go down
to the first corner.

Straightaway,
the front heavy Ute
is getting frisky.

Bathurst responding,
with a slide!

Oh, my God, how many
bagpipes are we hearing there?
Two? Seven?

One, with a hole in it?

Okay, he's round Chicago
and now we're at Hammerhead.

Maloo does not look like
the easiest thing
in the world to drive.

And the Bathurst
is just a supercharged
portable drift machine!

Look at it!

Fantastic.

That is literally,
the most painful drone
I've heard

since James tried to explain
fuel-injection to me.

Two corners left.

Bathurst's really getting
its tail out.
And now, if we look,

the Maloo is as well!
Sideways cars from
an upside-down country!

Okay. You first, Hammond.

Okay.

Your pick-up truck.

My pick-up truck did it
in one minute 27.1.

It's as fast as
an Aston Martin DB9!

CLARKSON: That's unbelievable!

What a car!

-Hang on, the Bathurst...
-HAMMOND: Yeah?

The Bathurst did it
in one minute 26.3.

So it's about the same
as a BMW M5.

And that really does
make it the perfect car

for anyone whose business
is selling pegs and heather.

And now, the news,
and the big news this week
is a new Ferrari.

Here it is. It's the F430
Scuderia convertible.

Mmm, and if you are one of
the 499 people who have
ordered one of those,

all we have to say to you is,

"You big daft cock."

-Big mistake.
-Error.

It's a massive mistake,
because while you
were doing that,

Ferrari were working on this.

This is the replacement.

Well, yes, exactly.
That's the 458 Italia.

And I have to say,
from the front,
it looks absolutely exquisite,

but from the back,
it looks even exquisiter.

How do you feel now?
How do you feel now?

It's just beautiful.
And what's more,
this is fantastic to drive.

How can you possibly
know that?
Nobody's driven it yet.

Because... A-ha!

History teaches us this!

Because every single time
the Ferrari Formula One team
is doing well,

their road cars are rubbish.

And every time
their Formula One car
is doing very badly,

their road cars are brilliant.

And this year,
do you see what I'm saying?

They can't win anything,
even an egg-and-spoon race.

He's absolutely right.
The problem is,

if you've only got 100 people
working for you

and 50 of them are completely
bogged down designing

you know, a windscreen wiper
for a road car,

you haven't got enough people
left to win the Formula One
World Championship.

And do you know why?
Formula One cars
are designed by men

and men cannot
do two things at once.

No, that's a good point.
We can't.

CLARKSON: Am I right?
Yes, exactly.

We'll admit that,
we cannot multi-task.

"Don't ask me now,
I'm putting this pen away.

"Now you can talk. Hold on.

"Okay, talk now.
I breathed in.

"Hold, I'm breathing out."

We can't do two...

Just breathing in
and breathing out...

Is enough for us
to be occupied.

Absolutely.

Now, you may have heard
a few days ago
that Michael Schumacher

is standing in
for the injured
Felipe Massa, okay?

Interesting timing.
This is the last
programme in our series.

No more cars to test till
November on the track.

Suddenly, he's available.

We're not saying anything,
it's just those are the facts.

Those are simply the facts.

-Actually, I do want to
talk about Felipe Massa.
-Yeah.

Obviously, he was injured
in the Hungarian Grand Prix

when a spring hit him
in the face
at 140 miles an hour.

I'm just staggered
he wasn't killed!

Yes, because he weighs
about the same as what,
a bag of sugar?

The thing is, he was wearing
one of those new regulation
carbon-fibre crash helmets

and they are
unbelievably strong.

Because the injuries he's got,
as far as I can work out,

are very similar
to the ones you got.

Yes, possibly, yes.
Frontal lobe damage,

so that's kinda
where you live,

so that's personality,
emotional control,

spatial awareness,
all of that.

Hopefully getting better.

So, does that mean that if he
gets better,

and, God,
we're all praying he does,

that he's going to become
an irritating little arse?

CLARKSON: I mean,
it's a thought.

It could. You never know
with brain damage.

Or he could come back to work
and discover the people
he works with are,

well, they've become quite
incredibly irritating.

And quite fat.

It can happen.

Anyway, look, Felipe,
I know you're not watching

because you're in Italy
or wherever,
but we are thinking of you.

Everybody here wishes you
a speedy recovery.

HAMMOND: Good luck.

Now, you know we used to say
in the olden days

that all bad drivers
drove Volvos,

particularly bikers, okay?
Now this was a good thing,

because you knew
where the bad drivers were.

You saw a Volvo,
you knew it was a bad driver.
All was well.

Then Volvo started
making good cars,
the T5 and so on,

the bad drivers dispersed.
We didn't know
what they were in.

So what are
the bad drivers in?

I think quite a few
ended up in Micras.

-Nissan Micras?
-Yeah.

You might be right, yeah.

I think quite a few
ended up in Kia Sedonas.

I think Korean cars
in general.

Certainly, if I see
a Korean car
coming towards me,

I'd pull over, get out,

hide behind a tree
until it's gone.

You just don't want
to take any chances.

The thing is this,

if you buy a rubbish car,
what you are saying is,
"I have no interest in cars."

If you have no interest
in cars, you have
no interest in driving.

And if you have no interest
in something,

it means you're no good at it,

which means you must have
your driving licence
taken away.

It's a perfectly valid theory
because if you had
absolutely no interest

whatsoever in how
the human body worked,

you wouldn't get a job
as a surgeon, would you?

No.

If you haven't got
the interest, you can't do it.

You shouldn't be
allowed to do it.

Exactly. I mean,
it would be like asking him
to cook Sunday lunch.

Could you cook a Sunday lunch?

-Yeah, you boil
the meat or whatever...
-You see?

I'm not interested in food,
so I'm not interested
in cooking.

There you are. You see?

You wouldn't ask him,
because he's not interested,
to cook you any food.

You wouldn't ask me
to do the washing up,

you wouldn't ask
James to direct a porn film.

Well, you say that.
I think I'd actually
direct quite a good porn film.

If you directed a porn film,
it would be you arriving

at the house of the woman
in the stockings and negligee.

"I've come to fix
your boiler."

And then you'd just fix it.

-Might do.
-No, no...

What's wrong with that?

Now, that is the end
of the news.

So we are going to
move on with this.

Ever since 1963,

when Volkswagen invented
the concept of modern
television advertising,

they have been
king of the hill. Okay?

And they still are,
thanks to ads like this.

NARRATOR: This is the man
who put a million on black,

and it came up red.

This is the man
who married a sex kitten,

just as she turned into a cat.

This is the man
who moved into gold,

just as the clever money
moved out.

This is the man who drives

a Volkswagen.

Everyone must have something
in life he can rely on.

Now that's all very well,
but you see, every week
we make films

in which the clouds
go backwards,
a super car spins around,

metaphors get tortured,
and they last for what,
five minutes, six minutes?

Yes, quite.
So how hard can it be

for us to make a car advert
which is over in 30 seconds?

Well, the producers
decided that James and I
should find out.

CLARKSON: Feeling like
candidates for The Apprentice,

the two of us got dressed
up as ad men,

and went to the glittering
West London offices

of Goodyear, Stickleback
and Bunsen burner.

There, the ad execs showed us
the car we'd be advertising,

a diesel version
of the new Scirocco.

What would be
your suggestions,

to do a commercial
for a Volkswagen?

At the heart of all good
Volkswagen advertising,

there is always
a product truth.

It's not sort of flimflam,
it's always based on a truth

that comes directly
from the product.

But you never did one
that said, "The new Beetles,

"celebrating over half
a century of Europe's
greatest mass murderer."

No, 'cause you pick on a truth
that matters, you idiot.

-What?
-You pick on a truth
that matters.

'Cause I think
what you're saying is,

if you take Peugeot...
"The drive of your life."

That line has nothing to do
with any Peugeot product,
all of which are dreadful.

It's just an ad man sat down,
and went,

"The drive of your life"
is a good line.

That's that point there about
you've got to look for it,

you've got to try
the product out,

you've got to drive it,
you've got to experience it,

and find out what
the real truths
of the product are.

We ought to go
to drive the car.

CLARKSON: At first,
things were looking good.

The clever thing about this
is it doesn't really cost

all that much more
than a Golf.

So, it costs the same
as the Golf,

but you stand out
because you've got a Scirocco,
which is better-looking.

Quality is exceptional.

-Just the fit and finish of
everything in here is superb.
-Yes.

It's practical for a coupe.

I don't know of any coupe
currently made

that's got more space
in the back then this has.

Right, let's try
some sporty driving

and see if it's sporty.
I'm gonna put it into sport.

CLARKSON: And here,
on twisting, country lanes,

there weren't
any problems either.

-Brakes?
-The brakes
are good, actually.

CLARKSON: The brakes are good,
steering's good.

So what you're saying is
as a sporty car,
it's pretty good?

Yes.

But, we then got
to the elephant in the corner.

Right, come on.
Is it fast?
Put your foot down.

BOTH: Not.

So, that's a good five seconds
of absolutely nothing
in fourth gear.

-But if I change
to third, okay?
-Right.

Then I run out of puff,
so I've got to go back
to fourth again.

It's the same as all diesels,
you have just a morsel,
and then it's gone.

-So, performance?
No.
-No.

CLARKSON: The bottom line
is this,

this particular Scirocco
is a good car, ruined.

We both agree, do we not?
The car is a stupid idea.

For a car that looks like this
should have a petrol engine.

JAMES MAY: Let's make that
absolutely clear.

Our personal view is that
you should not buy this car.

However, we are now charged
with selling it.

So, what? What?

CLARKSON: Back in
Apprentice land,
we outlined the problem.

As far as I can make out,
the Volkswagen Scirocco
is a pretty car,

and what they've done is
they've put the engine
from a canal boat in it.

And we have to somehow
make that seem like
a good thing.

The idea of building
that sort of car

and then putting
that sort of engine in
deserves the strap line,

"What the bloody hell
were you thinking of?"

-Which isn't really going
to work as an advert.
-It's not, no.

MAN: You're starting
from a negative,

where you should
actually start
from a positive.

You're saying,
"You've ruined a Scirocco."

Whereas, you should
really be saying,
"You've improved diesel."

-Oh...
-So that you've taken diesel
and made it more exciting,

rather than taken
the Scirocco
and made it less exciting.

MAY: Edward de Bono here
has hit it on the head.

We've made diesel
more interesting.

Not VW Scirocco
less interesting.

-You see, that's why...
-I'll tell you what.

You see, that's why
he's sitting there.

And we're sitting here
in rubbish clothes.

CLARKSON: James and I
then tried
some blue-sky thinking.

Imagine, if it just said,
"Volkswagen Scirocco,"

across the screen, "Diesel."

And then a polar bear
just stood there
and just went, "Boom!"

No. I'm going wrong.

What if we do a campaign
based around the idea of great
ecclesiastical figures,

from Thomas a Becket down,

would have driven
had they had the chance,
the Scirocco diesel?

'Cause it would be shit.

Okay, what about the car just
approaching in the distance,

so you've got
the advertising stuff
with the road,

that famous road that
they use in Spain,

where it winds round
and the hills.
You've got swelling music...

-No, that's a cliche.
-I would just
stop right there.

Are you listening
to this, James?

CLARKSON: An advert
has to say almost nothing.

It's just got to go... Wow!

Hasn't it? And bang!
With a huge explosion.

Well, point five on how to do
a Volkswagen ad

is, "Speak to the reader,
don't shout, he can hear you.

"Especially
if you talk sense."

You don't blow his head off.

It's important that
the advertising
has intelligence.

It can't just be explosions.

MAY: Feeling like ad men,
we went to the lavatory.

And then we went to the track,
where I let Jeremy make

our first intelligent
advertisement.

CLARKSON:
The new VW Scirocco Diesel.

It's explosive!

-What do you think of that?
-It's rubbish.

Why is it rubbish?

It's not funny,
and it's not true.

We've been to see those clever
blokes in the agency,

they've told us what
VW advertising is like,

how can you hint
at 55 miles per gallon,
with an explosion?

Well, what have you got?

MAY: The new
VW Scirocco Diesel
produces 138 horsepower,

and 236lb/ft of torque.

So, it's faster
than you might think.

And, there's room in the back
for your mother-in-law.

Unfortunately.

The Scirocco TDI,
your mother-in-law
will love it.

That's the worst advert
I've ever seen.

Your criticisms?

Way, way too much information.

And mother-in-law
jokes, James, I mean...

I'm identifying my market.

They're old people,
old people made
mother-in-law jokes,

that'll make them feel useful.

Why didn't you get someone
blacked-up going,
The Camptown Races?

'Cause they used to watch
The Black And White
Minstrel Show?

James, it's not an idea.

You can't tell
mother-in-law jokes.

I fear you and I,
we're going down two
very separate roads here.

CLARKSON: James decided
to do more blue-sky thinking,

while I rushed off
to make an ad
that had no explosions in it.

Here we go.

MAN 1: Yeah, I was
in a terrible accident.

Well, I ran out of petrol,
I was on the hard shoulder

waiting for the breakdown van,

and I was hit by this
massive truck.

Yeah, that happens a lot.

But it won't happen to me.

I've got the new
Scirocco Diesel.

It does 55 mpg!

NARRATOR:
The new Scirocco TDI,

for people who
value their arms.

So, the VW Scirocco driver
is deeply unpleasant?

He's not deeply unpleasant,
it's funny!

Children love that.
Old people love
a bit of blood.

-Old people won't like that.
-It reminds them of the Blitz.

Think of the customer.
You're saying,

"Buy this car if you're smug
and you revel in
other people's misfortune."

-You can't put
that on a car ad!
-He's not revelling!

He's offering him advice!

He's saying,
"Get a Scirocco Diesel..."

-It's a bit late,
his arm's come off!
-He'll have the other arm!

MAY: Okay, close-up on
Jeremy's tongue, please.

CLARKSON:
We pressed on with
some more ideas.

She loves me not.

Action!

CLARKSON: Right, I bet you
any money this stays intact.

-Did it?
-No.

Left, left, left!

Right, right, right.

Right, right, right.
Left! Left!

James then decided
we needed a jingle.

MAY:
# Diesel Scirocco

# Gets you down to Morocco

# On one fill-up of diesel

# At 55 mpg-diesel... #

CLARKSON: Then I decided
we didn't need a jingle.

Yes! They're here!
Imagine now, James.

Explosion! Boom! Boom!
Boom! Boom!

Massive fire
coming from the gunship.

Left, left, left!
Right, right!
Left, left, left!

Oh, for God's sake!

-MAN: Action.
-The New Scirocco Diesel.

Truly biblical economy.

This isn't working, is it?
I'm sorry.

CLARKSON: Finally,
after much trial
and error,

we had an ad
that we could show
to the Alan Sugars.

CLARKSON: Check this out.

NARRATOR:
This is the new Scirocco TDI.

It's pretty fast.

But a Mazda RX8
will kick its backside.

And an Alfa Brera
will vomit in its face.

They'll have to stop
for fuel though.

And you won't.

Get ahead.

Get a new Scirocco TDI.

Stunned is the word I'm...
They're stunned.

The first thing
I'd say is that,

how fast is that
Scirocco going?

Do you ever see car adverts
with cars going fast in them?

So, you aren't allowed
to show in a car advert,
a car going fast?

-No.
-No?

No.

Also I suspect
with some enhanced sound.

No, we never... No. There's...
No, that was the real sound.

-There's screeching
tyres in there...
-Yeah.

-Massively accelerating
engine...
-Mmm-hmm.

It's not just the driving,
it's the sound that you
put in there as well.

CLARKSON:
Happily, we had an idea
which would save the day.

We will go off this afternoon,
and I can mend that advert.

Hello again, James.

I believe we have a cure.

-You remember
the one yesterday?
-Yep.

How could we forget it?

NARRATOR: This is
the new Scirocco TDI.

It's pretty fast.

Get ahead.

Get a new Scirocco TDI.

You see, we've addressed
the speed issue.

No, you haven't.

Well, it quite clearly
says he is doing 29.

The rest of the footage
of the car is
exactly the same,

so there's no difference
in the promotion
of speed whatsoever.

When we talked to you
about Volkswagen,
truth and honesty

were two of the things
we talked about,

and that feels
dishonest to me.

Well, it's still going,
it was probably going 59.

And how fast were
the other cars going?

-They were going 59
as well.
-So, twice as fast...

CLARKSON: The rest of
the ads didn't go down
that well either.

MAY: # Common rail injection,
you know
that's the new direction... #

NARRATOR: The new
Scirocco TDI, for people
who value their arms.

Don't you think
that is tip-top?

-No.
-Right.

CLARKSON: Desperate,
I decided to show them

our remake of
one of their classics.

NARRATOR: This is the man who
put a million on black,

and it came up red.

This is the man
who married a sex kitten,

just as she turned into a cat.

This is the man
who moved into gold,

just as the clever money
moved out.

If only he'd waited for
the new Scirocco TDI
to go on sale.

The Scirocco TDI.

Life's not so bad.

Simple, tight...

-You are showing in your
ad there a suicide.
-Yes.

You should be able to imagine

that the regulatory body
does not allow
depictions of suicide.

I mean, it's pretty positive.

You either get shot
through the head
or you have a VW.

CLARKSON: Nick and Margaret
invited us to get out
of their office

and go back
to the drawing board.

Jesus Christ!

CLARKSON: Do you know
why an ad man won't look out
of the window in the morning?

No.

Because then
he'd have nothing
to do in the afternoon.

MAY: But then, while Jeremy
was being ridiculous,
I had an idea.

If we couldn't use speed,
why not set the ad
in a location

where speed is impossible?

A funeral!

Job one,
get ourselves
a black Scirocco.

I couldn't help noticing,
it's the petrol one.

We'll just dub some
canal boat noises on.
No one will notice.

All right. I'm gonna talk
to the mourners.

Yes, just get them in the car.

This is a tragedy,
it's a loved one.

It will all be resolved in
the VW Scirocco Diesel.

Who's driving that...
Who's driving the Scirocco?

-MAN: Jeremy.
-Well, he's got
the wrong idea altogether.

CLARKSON: My driving
made James quite cross.

Please, just let me do
the funeral thing...

Let's do the funeral
seriously, then at the end,

we've got the message
about the VW.

-It's not complicated.
-The funeral can be
done seriously,

but there's nothing to stop
a war plane coming
in the middle?

Yes, there is.

There's me
because I'm directing.

CLARKSON: Soon
he was even more cross.

So, you're driving the hearse?

I'm driving the limousine.

Clarkson!

None of that is going in.

We're not doing a comedy
carry on funeral,

we are doing a real funeral.

CLARKSON: James and I
couldn't even agree on
how to direct the actors.

-Okay, madam, this is where
we'd like you to cry.
-Right.

In a dignified,

adult, genuine grief,
rather than...

Take a good sniff
of this onion, ready?

There we go.
There we go, now cry!
Cry! Cry!

To get James out of my hair,
I sent him to look for a crow.

-A crow?
-A crow.

Have you ever seen
a funeral scene in your life
without a crow in it?

There'll be one
in a tree, or in a field.

That left me free to
direct the graveyard scene.

So, if you're mourning,
look sad.

You're just
professionally sad.

You should be in a bikini,
I think, to balance it out.

So, good, okay.

No, wait, hang on,
it's a funeral.

Yeah, it should be
a black bikini.

Okay. Roll cameras...

Back!

With the graveyard done,
all we had left
was the closing shot.

The shot has got be
quite long everybody,

because there's quite a bit
of information to get in there
with the car at the end.

-No, the back should...
No! No!
-Yes! Yes!

Get the wheels straight.

-CLARKSON: James!
-Yes?

Do you want mourners
in this shot?

No.

It's untidy.

Action.

And pull out...

-CLARKSON: James!
-What?

I've fallen out
of the basket thing!

-Anyway...
-CLARKSON: Finally, though,

our masterpiece was ready.

NARRATOR: With its advanced,
two-litre, common rail
diesel engine...

The new Scirocco TDI.

It's quiet enough
for any occasion.

So...

Bang!

Now, that didn't
go down very well,
and it was all his fault.

-Why did the car
blow up at the end?

Because you wouldn't
let me cut one of
the mourners' arms off.

Why was that woman
in a bikini?

Because I am a genius,
and you're a fool,

and that is why, after that
advert was rejected,

as well as all the others,
we decided to split up.

Yeah, we decided we'd make
one more ad each,

but this time,
instead of taking them
to Nick and Margaret to judge,

because they obviously
loathed everything we did,

we thought
we'd bring them here,

and let you decide
which one is better.

Okay? And the winner,

the winner gets this
pair of exquisitely slim
advertiser's spectacles.

Yeah!

Here's mine.

Hear that, James?
The sound of silence.

-Nobody... Oh!

No! Why are you applauding?

MAY: It's cerebral.

That would work on BBC Four,
where there's no commercials!

And now ladies and gentlemen,

behold to bask
in the turbulence
of my magnificence.

-This is my ad.

FEMALE REPORTER:
A state of emergency has been
declared in Poland today

as the mass exodus
continues...

MALE REPORTER: Sources
in Warsaw report mass panic
as those left in the city

make increasingly frantic
efforts to escape.

FEMALE REPORTER: In effect
thousands of people have
jammed roads and crammed...

MALE REPORTER:
Military leaders say that
they have abandoned all...

The army says it's now
powerless to prevent
the ongoing mass exodus.

When in doubt, use the war.

Now, the time has come
to have a vote.

All of those who think that
James's plant advertisement
has won, raise your hands.

Six or seven quite bright
people in the audience.

And all those who think
my Berlin one has won?

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen,
thank you!

Now...

A special moment is upon us,
because...

Well, you might have thought
it had gone away,

but oh, no,
because we are going to
do the Cool Wall!

-Yeah!

It's here!

Take them off!

I can't see a damn thing.

What have we got first?

Well, we're gonna
start off with this,
it is the Ford Focus RS.

Now, this is a brilliant car,
there's no denying it.

-What do you think of it?
-MAN: I like it.

-You like it.
-It's green.

-Is it relevant, is it cool?
-Cool.

-You're cool?
-Don't like the colour.

-At all.

-Is the car...
-No.

-No?
-No

No, and that's odd,
because he looks
like he's got an ASBO.

That is the thing
about this car.
It is undeniably brilliant.

-It looks very, very good.
-Oh, yeah, absolutely.

But it's for the bloke
who's always
the first to start

the singing on the aeroplane.

You know, the fellow whose
holiday sombrero is too big
to get in the overhead locker,

-and that's what he drives.
-You're wrong.

-No, I'm not.
-Nobody who's got one has
been on an aeroplane,

because they always get stuck
in airport security with
their ASBO ankle bracelet.

Yes, that's...
It's a great car,

but sadly, it's got to be,
it's got to be.

It's got to be uncool.

The Lamborghini Murcielago SV.
What are we thinking?

I'm sorry, there's a man
in here. Coming in!

-What was that?
-Seriously uncool.

Seriously uncool.

Come with me.

-I want the ladies
and gentlemen to see this.

The Amish here.

-You think this is...
-Seriously uncool.

Uncool. Why do you think
it's uncool?

Because it's a mad sports car.

-And what's the matter
with mad sports cars?
-Seriously uncool.

How long do we keep this going
before he pulls out a dagger
and stabs me?

No, I think this man
is representing...
Because he's...

He's right,
ladies and gentlemen!
He's right.

Because every time
I see a man,
and it is invariably a man...

Go back to the audience,
please.

Every time I see a man
getting out of one
of these things,

and it is invariably a man,
I always think,

that man is wearing a thong.

Is this just something
you like to think about?
I'm confused.

Nobody with boxer shorts
has ever bought a Lamborghini.

-What?
- I bought
a Lamborghini.

-But not a Murcielago.
-Oh, my God! You in a thong!

Ah! Ah! No!

It is, I'm afraid,
not seriously uncool,
but it is uncool.

Now...

This is a BMW Z4.

-We like this car.
-Very much.

Not the old model,
not for wife swappers,

nobody's ever slept
with somebody called Muriel

who's married to Frank,
who has one of these.

But we'd like to put it in
the cool section of the board.

Actually, it's resisting.
Ready?

-It's the weirdest thing.
-It's the weirdest thing
in the world.

It won't go
in the cool section,

and there's a very good reason
for that.

Yeah. The good reason is,
James May has said

he's thinking of getting rid
of his Porsche Boxster
and getting one of these.

And, well, that means,
that's all that can happen!

That's all it'll do!

We can't put it anywhere else!
It won't go!

Now, this is
the Nissan 370-Z, okay?

Now, this, as far as
I can work out,

is for the sort of chap
who likes a stag night.

Me and the lads,
you know the sort of bloke.

He's the sort
that sends you those e-mails

that take you
ten minutes to open,
and they're not funny.

No, hang on.
No, no, no.

I know what you're getting at,
and that's exactly why
I think this is cool

because you're talking about
the kind of bloke
who doesn't complain

because you've given him
the wrong species of olive
on his salad.

The man who has this
has never eaten an olive
in his life.

He just has pork itchings.
He's a lager lout.

No it's not, he drinks lager,
what's wrong with that,
that is a great car.

-Because he drinks Stella.
-It's just lager.

-It's not just lager!
-You'd be at the bar,
bickering,

saying, "Have you
got anything Italian?
I want the right one."

I know that
this is an old gag
but that's going up there.

Now, what are you
gonna do about that?

Thank you, that old favourite.

I'm hearing a strange
mooing noise.

But you've again,
I'm afraid,

you're mistaking this
for a democracy,

and it isn't one,
it's a dictatorship.

Oh, dear, Hammond's
gone off in a huff.

Good! Anyway, now, look,
I want to talk about
the Range Rover.

If you asked me,
and you're a small boy,

what is the best car
in the world?

I will say,
it's a Bugatti Veyron,
but the truth is...

-What are you doing?

Oh, yes!

Oh, yeah!

Whoa! That'll do.
And uh...

I'll tell you what.
Can you...

-Can you reach it there,
shorty?
-Funny!

-What about up here?
-I can still reach that.

Look at him,
he can't reach it,
poor little fella!

Oh! Tell you what,
from up here, it is going.

I reckon about there,
there you go!

HAMMOND: What? No!

What I've just done,
ladies and gentlemen,
is hit the kill switch!

Come on then, come down!

-It doesn't work!
-It's broken!

-Hammond, you see the Zonda.
-Oh!

-Your favourite car
in the world?
-Yes...

-No!

No! That's not right!

See if we put it down here.
Yes.

Oh, look. And that. And that.

Look, I can have so much fun!

No, that's just...

Can I come down now?

No.

Because it's time
to put a star
in our reasonably-priced car.

Now, what can I say
about my guest tonight?

As the star of Rain Man,
Top Gun, Days Of Thunder,

Tom Cruise has almost
certainly been interviewed
by him.

Ladies and gentlemen,
American chat show legend,
Jay Leno!

Thank you,
thank you very much!
Thank you! I'll have a seat.

Have a seat!

This is amazing.

You've been hosting
your own show in America

now for what, 17 years,
five nights a week?

Seventeen years, right.

I never thought
the day would come
when you'd actually be here!

Well, this is
my favourite show.
We get it on BBC America.

-Uh-huh.
-I enjoy watching it.

And as soon as I got
some free time,

you were gracious enough
to invite me,

-and that's why I'm here.
-Oh no, we had to...

-How can we... The world's
biggest petrol head...
-Well...

Apart from Geri Halliwell,
obviously.

We've ever had here,
I should imagine.

-Now, listen, I'll get on
to your show, if I may.
-Yeah.

-You recently had
Obama Barack on.
-Right, right.

Which makes you...
No, it's the other way round,
isn't it?

Yeah,
but I'm somewhat dyslexic,
so that's all right with me.

It's just...

If people are gonna
choose their names
from Scrabble tiles, I...

Anyway, so, is it easy
to get an American President
on the show,

or is it a bit complicated?

You know, it's interesting,
the difference,

because I had him on
as a candidate twice before.

And each time he would come
with his jacket
like on his finger,

with two guys.

As President, oh, my God.

Armies,
literally armies come in.

They do a sweep of your staff,
and they go like this,

-"Are you Jeremy Clarkson?"
-Hmm.

"Don't come in tomorrow."

Why?

"I said don't come in
tomorrow!"

What,
just a background check thing?

If you had a joint
in your sock in 1972,
you don't...

And that's what they do.
"You don't come in,
you don't..."

We were never told why.

You're just told not
to come in that day.

How weird. And does he
phone work when he's arriving,

or is that all
shut down as well?

All cell phones within
60 miles are monitored.

-So, be careful...
-So, everybody within
60 miles of Barack...

For key words,
if there are
certain key words,

they will track you down
and beat you senseless.

We're never more than 60 miles
from the Queen here, are we?

We're 60 miles from the Queen.

That's got to be comforting,
hasn't it?

But I have to say,
I really will say this
in terms of America.

I used to think
when I went there

it was a bit like
going to a prison,
just with more food.

Right.

When you came home,
you felt like you were
coming back to a free country.

Now, I find
it's the other way round.

-You have these
speed cameras here...
-That's nothing!

Now... Like see in LA,
people would say,

"Why don't you just
shoot them out?"

Exactly.

-In LA...
-I have a gun.

In LA a day doesn't go by,
you don't see a styrofoam cup

stuck over the lens
of a speed camera.

It's not just
speed cameras here,

there's just cameras
to monitor everything you do.

Everything you've done
since you got here.
Everything!

I'm talking about
at the urinals,

I'm talking about in bed,
sometimes.

-Really?
-Oh, yeah, Mr Brown
has been recording that.

All right.
I hope he has enough tape!

Yeah.

-Now, normally at this stage,
when we've got people here...
-Mmm-hmm...

I get to the point
of the interview
where I say...

"Talk about your cars."

-Okay.
-And they go,
"I've got a Honda Accord,

"and my wife's got
a Toyota Prius, okay?"

I just need you to understand
how big a petrol head
we have here. Okay?

So this is just his cars.
Ready?

Deep breath.

Dodge Viper,
Packard Caribbean,
Chevrolet Corvette,

E-Type Jaguar,
Bugatti-Type 37,
Lamborghini Espada,

Chevrolet Corvette ZR-1,
Lamborghini Countach,

Brough Superior,
Bentley Turbo-R,

Shelby Mustang 350-GT,
Citroen XM,

Fiat Millecento,
Corvette Z-06,
Bugatti Type-57,

AC Cobra 427,
Lamborghini Miura-S...

Dodge Challenger,

Lagonda V-12,
Bentley Speed Six,

Ford Model T,
another Lamborghini Miura,

Dodge Challenger RT,
that's page one.
There's page two.

D'you wanna see page three?
There's page three.

How the hell do you decide
what to go to work
in the morning?

Who wouldn't do that
if they could?

Thank you, thank you.

I must confess, I would.

But see, I only have one wife.
I have one woman...

I have one woman
and 150 cars.

Thank you!
See now, there you are.
Thank you.

See, women know this...

Wouldn't you prefer your man
coming home reeking

of transmission fluid
rather than cheap perfume?

Um, so do you
spend a lot of time

going to car shows
and stuff like that?

Well, that's really all I do,
I work in my garage,
I like working on cars.

You'll like this story.

I had my McLaren F1 out,
I took it to a car show.

I see these two
LA gang members.

-Hmm.
-Scary guys,

tattoo, you know
the thing on the neck
with the cross,

the tear on the...
You know, the whole bit.

And they're looking
at my car, and I'm like,
"Oh, boy!"

And one of them says,
"Gordon Murray
designed this, right?"

And I went, "Yeah!"

Then the other guy asked about
David Stephen, and I realised,
"Now, I'm prejudging people."

I assumed because they
look different from me,

that they're criminals
or gangsters.

I felt so bad about this.

I said to these guys,
"You ever been
in one of these?"

"No. No"

-I said,
"Do you wanna go for a ride?"
-They said, "Yeah!"

And I realised,
"Maybe this is
a mistake, okay?"

And as big as
they were outside,
they were enormous in the car.

The guys' head, and when
that tattoo is right here,
you know?

You know
with the misspelled die,
and everything.

All right, so,
we're driving along,
"This is good."

Guy goes,
"Go up here in the hills,
there's no traffic."

"Oh, all right, so..."

It's not good at this point.

So there's a place
called Kanan Road,
which goes above Malibu.

There's some tunnels,
that go through the mountain.

I said, "Tell you what,
I'll nail it through
the mountains,

"you guys have got to
hear the F1 McLaren."

I fly through the tunnel, 125.

As I come out of the tunnel,
police car right here.

That minute I go,
"Oh, goddamn."

Pulled over. And now
I've got two gang guys...

They're gonna run a check
on these guys,

it'll be drug dealers,
my McLaren will be towed,

they'll put a hook on it
and drag it to impound,

I'll be arrested
for going 100.

Cop pulls over.

And the
highway patrolman goes,
"What are you doing?

"You know how fast
you're going?"
The two guys go,

"We're police officers,
it's all right."

-No way!

They were undercover,
they were undercover!

Exactly!
It's like, ah!

It was like
the greatest day of my life.

That's just complete win-win.

We don't get that
at the Goodwood
Festival Of Speed.

Undercover gang members...

Um, American drivers...
I love talking
about this because...

I was talking to
Stephen Fry about this

just when he came on
a couple of weeks ago.

One of the things we notice,
being English is,

if here you want to
change lanes, you indicate,

nine times out of ten,
the guy's gonna drop back
and let you pull in.

That never happens in America.
Why can't people see that
you need to pull off?

Because we're working
on the computer,
we are drinking a soda,

we are doing any number
of things way more
important than driving.

You know, I do a thing,

when I was doing
the Tonight Show,
called Headlines,

we'd show advertisements
for different products
and things.

And one was a laptop that fit
on your steering wheel,
it clamped in,

-so you could do this...
-No way.

And this was legal!
They were selling this!

It had a cup holder here,
so you could work the internet

while you were
driving your car.

And learning so much!

Now, obviously,
you came here
to do a lap,

in a car with a steering wheel
on the correct side.

The steering wheel
is on the wrong side.

The air-conditioner was on,
the spring was broken
in the shifter.

Yet, in that
British tradition,
I soldiered on.

How did it go?

Okay, I mean, as long as
I don't get beat by
Helen Mirren, I'm okay.

-Helen Mirren, where is she?
-Where is she?

-There she is, 1.528.
-Okay, that's...

Yeah, I think,
I did better than that.

Shall we find out
how Jay got on?

ALL: Yes!

Here's your lap,
in a Lacetti.

There we go, we're off,
plenty of smoke on the start.

You know, race car
driving's like sex,

all men think
they're good at it.

CLARKSON: So, you've got
a smooth style there.

We could learn a lot from...
Oh, very smooth.

Much like the sex.

If it doesn't go well,
blame it on the car.

CLARKSON: Dressed up
as Marlboro Man.

Oh, I can't say that, can I?

Dressed up cowboy man.
That's smooth again.

That's a little better,
at least I didn't miss
a gear that time.

CLARKSON: Here it is.
This is the Hammerhead,

this is where you can
make or break your lap.

-You must be pleased
with that.
-JAY LENO: Seems all right.

CLARKSON: Looking good.
Looking very good coming out,
maybe a little bit fast.

The Stig is quite
a good instructor,
considering he doesn't talk.

CLARKSON: Let's have
a look at this. This is
flat out through there.

-Not bad.
-CLARKSON: Yeah.

Oh, that's quick!

-That was very quick.
-Brake, down to third.

CLARKSON: Come on,
this is the hard... Yes!

That's what I call a corner!

Now, it's Gambon.

That's Michael Gambon,
around there, maybe
too much understeer.

But there we are,
across the line!

-Let's find out
how you got on.
-All right.

You did it, in one minute...

Yes?

-Forty...
-Yes?

Eight point eight.

You're way faster
than Helen Mirren!

-Oh, all right.
-You are...

JAY: All right, all right!

In the middle of the pack.

Between Doctor Who
and Will Young.

Actually, I did that
once in LA. Yeah.

This is a good place.

Are you the fastest American?

I'll take fastest American.

I'm just looking.
No, what?

-Mark Wahlberg.
-Oh, Mark Wahlberg.

-You're the second
fastest American!
-Second fastest. Wow!

There we go, Jay Leno,
everybody!

-Jeremy, thank you,
thank you, everybody!
-Thank you so much!

Still here, obviously.

Now, at this point,
I should be down there,
by that car.

But I'm not, obviously,
so please bear with me.

Because what that car is,
is the Aston Martin Vantage,

that's the smallest car
they make.

But they just fitted it
with their 510 horsepower,
six-litre, V12.

And Jeremy decided to
take it out to see
what it's like.

Well, it's an
Aston Martin Vantage,
with a V12 engine.

So, what do you think
it's gonna be like?

It is fantastic.

It's wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful.

What it makes me feel though,

is sad.

I just can't help
thinking that,

thanks to all
sorts of things,

the environment, the economy,
problems in the Middle East,

the relentless war on speed,

cars like this
will soon be consigned
to the history books.

I just have this horrible,
dreadful feeling that what
I'm driving here

is an ending.

Good night.