Top Gear (2002–…): Season 13, Episode 6 - Episode #13.6 - full transcript

Jeremy road tests the new BMW Z4 and the Nissan 370Z GT. To find out whether classic cars are more fun than modern cars, the boys were each given 3000 pounds and were told to buy classic cars that are made before 1982. Then, they were told to take their classic cars to Mallorca where they take part in a time trial rally.

CLARKSON: Tonight I wear
some goggles,

Richard falls down
a small slope,

and James says hello to a man.

MAN: All right, mate?

Hello!

Hello, good evening.
Thank you, everybody.

Thank you, thank you.

Now, as we know the real world
where we all live
is full of dreary cars,

like the Renault Scenic
and the Toyota

whatever this is.

Which is why, in the fantasy
world that is Top Gear,



we prefer to feature things
that are a bit more exciting,

a bit more dinosaurish.

Our track.

It's the natural home of
the quad cam
84-litre carnivore.

From the massive Murcielago

to the agile Ariel Raptor,

we have them all.

We even have a keeper
capable of taming them.

The Top Gear test track?

It's Jurassic Park!

This week, though,
there are no T. rexes.
There are no raptors.

There are none of those...

Pssp! Spitty things.

This week, Top Gear has
gone all Springwatch.



This is the new BMW Z4.

It's not mid-engined.

It isn't a fire-breathing
monster that runs on brimstone
and baby owls.

It's just a common
or garden sports car.

I didn't like the old Z4.

I thought it was too ugly and
mostly driven by people

who spent their evenings
wife-swapping.

I don't know why
I thought that.

It's just whenever I saw
someone with a Z4,
I thought, "Those car keys,

"I bet they spend less
time in the ignition

"than they do in a pot round
at Muriel's house."

Given the choice, I'd have
bought a Mercedes SLK instead.

In fact, I did.

This, however, is the new Z4.

And while it may not be much
of a looker with the new
aluminium roof up,

it is fantastic with it down.

It is sort of Uma Thurman-ish.

Perfect, but you can't
really explain why.

It's the same story
with the interior.

It's very different to any
other car and that's good.
And so's this.

That long, priapic bonnet
houses a 3-litre engine

which is boosted
by two turbo chargers.

Actually, it doesn't feel
like a pair of turbos.

It feels like
a pair of testes.

Big, meaty ones!

Obviously, it's not a raptor,
but since I'm now doing

140 miles an hour,

it's not a cow either.

The best thing about
this car, though,
is how it feels to drive.

The old Z4 was too hard.

Getting in to it after
a hard day at work
was like getting home

and flopping down on a sofa
made out of Chuck Norris.

This one, though,

they've done what
Lotus did with the Evora
and Jaguar with the XF.

They've softened it down.

It's nice!

Don't think, however,
it's become a hopeless
wallowing herbivore.

That intrinsic BMW-ness
is still there.

It's got that wonderful
sense that when you
turn into a corner,

that the whole car is pivoting
around your hips.

Who'd have thought
I'd come right down the
food chain this week?

I'm in Kate Humble's hedge

and I'm loving it!

Today, I'd buy a Z4 over
a Mercedes SLK in a heartbeat.

In fact, I'd rather have one
of these than almost any of
the Top Gear dinosaurs.

It is that good!

Before we move on though,
there is another new car

in the Springwatch section
of Top Gear's wildlife park.

Look! Look! There it is.

That is a brown Datsun.

I realise, of course,
that you might think

that here in the whole world
of pterodactyls and peacocks,
it's a bit of a hen.

But you should see
what it can do.

I'm hanging its tail out.

I'm revelling

in the short wheelbase,
the taut rear-drive chassis.

Mmm-mmm!

Now I'm on the straight
and I'm unleashing
326 horsepower.

Eat my exhaust fumes,
dinosaur!

This is the new
Nissan 370Z GT.

A shortened, lightened,
more powerful
version of the old 350.

Prices start at £27,000
and that makes it very cheap.

Especially when you look at
all the equipment it has.

I've even got
something called a
SynchroRev Match system.

So I'm in fourth gear,
yes, wanna change
down to second...

You hear that? It revs
the engine, so the road speed
is matched to the revs.

Makes the change smoother.

That's very simple
and very clever.
I like that.

As a heart starter,
this thing eats the BMW
for breakfast.

It's got 26 more horsepowers
for a kickoff.

It's a lot more exciting
as well, somehow.

Ha, ha, ha!

And even this GT version,
with leather seats and
the rev-o-matic gearbox,

is five-and-a-bit
thousand pounds cheaper.

This is a racing hen!

There is just one problem
with it however.

It's very nasty.

It's fine here on the track
but on the road,
it's so hard and harsh.

It's also very noisy.

And it's not
a nice noise, either.

I would rather listen to
my own firing squad.

The worst thing
about this car though,
is that if you had one,

you'd never get invited
to a wife-swapping party.

People would think
you were a bit oddy.

But this, I love it.
It's got...

Honestly,
if somebody said to me,

"You have to have
to one of these
for the rest of your life",

-I would be delighted.
It's brilliant car.
-No, it's great. I love it.

However, we must now find
out how fast this, and indeed
the hen, go round our track

which, of course,
means handing them over
to our tame racing driver.

Some say that on Thursdays he
becomes incredibly bulbous

and that recently pigs
in Mexico have started
to die of something called

Stig flu.

All we know
is he's highly contagious.

CLARKSON: And they're off!
Now I have to say, these cars
are not really comparable.

The Nissan is loud
and aggressive,
the BMW more day-to-day.

But they both look
tidy through
the first corner there.

Yep, no problems at all.

Oh, dear,
it sounds like two sets
of bagpipe music there.

Hard to tell really
with bagpipes. Anyway...

We're round Chicago nicely.
Coming up to Hammerhead.

Looks the BMW
might be having a bit of
under-steer there. Yes, it is!

But at least he's okay
with the gear change

'cause the Stig's
in the automatic, which BMW
say is actually faster.

He's going to Scotland
there. Follow Through.

My word! Now the BMW's
gone over-steer!

I've never seen
that there before.

The Nissan has no problem
at all. Two corners left.

BMW kicking
out its tail again!

Nissan rather boring
in comparison.

But... Oh, yes, now look
at it. It's showboating.
And there they go.

And across the line!
There we go.

Ha, ha!

Mmm? Now... Here we have
the Nissan. Look...

The Nissan did it in
1:27.5 and the BMW

1:28.2.

So that goes

there.

So what we're saying here,
really, is, er, buy
the BMW because it's

slower, less exciting,
more expensive
and less well-equipped.

And now the news.
And the big news this week:

the government wants to put up
signs on the motorway

telling drivers to pull over
at the next junction,

get out and swap their car
for public transport.

Which is kind of puzzling.
'Cause why would you...

When you're
in the car already

why would you stop
and then get on a train?
I don't know.

It's like going to the
cinema and putting a sign
on the screen saying,

-"Have you thought
about reading a book?"
-Yes!

-It's too late.
You've made up your mind.
-I'm in the cinema!

What are the signs
going to say?

"Don't need to be
on time or anywhere near where
you actually want to go?

-"The railway station
is next left."
-Precisely!

"Something missing from
your daily commute?"

Yes, a foul smell
from a stranger
sitting next to me.

How are they going
to tempt us to do that?

I tell you what.
You know the government
announced earlier this week

that 60,000 people are going
to be laid waste by swine flu.

So what they ought to be
telling us

is under no circumstances
use public transport.

-That's the point.
-Yes, you're right.

The funny thing is, okay?

Swine flu is getting
a bad press.

-Well...
-Have you noticed?

No, it is.

They're saying it's bad
for the economy because
no one will buy anything

and there'll be a lot
of absenteeism.

But look at it this way,
parking spaces for the rest
of us will be easier to find.

-That's a good point.

Now...

There's a new Range Rover.
We had it in the studio
last week, okay?

It's got a new bumper,
a new engine.
But that's not important.

What is important, okay,
is it's got

cameras in each of its
head lamps, looking forward,

one on the back
looking backwards

and two on either side
looking down.

Yes, these are so
when you're off-roading
you can see like tree stumps

and bears that might
be in your way.

That's right.
Now they feed the picture
to the screen,

okay, your SAT NAV screen,
but it doesn't turn off

when you're going along
on the road.

And you've got all different
cameras on there.

Yes, it's honestly...
You are sitting in there.

You've got five different
feeds coming in but you can
choose which one you want.

It's like being
a sports director
at Wimbledon.

-HAMMOND: Wow!
-Choosing which one you want,

yes, you think coming up to
crest of the hill, that one,
yeah, nice, then reverse

and you go to the backwards
one, put your foot down,
you got the exhaust noise.

-It's fantastic.
-Nice!

-Isn't it a bit distractive?
-Oh, God, it's unbelievable.

You're not allowed to talk on
a mobile phone these days

but nowadays you can direct
Ben Hur while you're
going along.

It's just...
I haven't even got
to the best bit because...

Got into London the other day,
going up Holland Park, a very
pretty girl in the car behind.

Yeah, very pretty.

Switched to rear camera...

And then I found you can
zoom in on parts of the girl
in the car behind.

-So it's got lech-o-matic?
-It's perv-vision.

And the traffic lights
goes like red, green,
red, green, I'm...

It was just fantastic!

And last week, a piano was
accidentally dropped

on a Morris Marina
as we were filming.

Last time this happened,
the Morris Marina Owners Club,

which is like the provisional
wing of the Morris men,

-were absolutely furious.
-They went berserk.

They were. There's been a lot
of internet activity
on the Morris chat room.

"I'm going to send an email
to the BBC and I don't care
if they don't read it!"

Now that's what they
said last time, okay?

This time, getting worse.

They said they're gonna
get physical.
I'm quoting now.

One of them says,
and I'm not making this up,

"If I see Jeremy Clarkson
in the street,

"I will poo into my hand
and throw it at him."

What, they'll poo into
their own hand?

What a stupid way
of getting someone.

It's like an assassin lining
up on the target and shooting
them through his own head!

It's revolting.

Now the thing is, okay,
last week when
we were making the film

you probably saw
out in France,

there was some doubt as to who
actually owned the car
that you ended up driving.

Was it the wife of the
President of the
Morris Marina Owners Club

or was it the wife of the
President of France who,
of course, is Carla Bruni?

Well, that was cleared up this
week because Carla Bruni

went to Nelson Mandela's
birthday party in New York,

where she sang a song
which clears everything up.

-Now we know.
-You're history.

Now, we are constantly
being told, mostly by people
who wear slacks,

-that classic cars are more
fun than modern ones.
-MAN: Yes!

You see,
there's a yes over there.
The thing is, though,

we weren't sure.
So the producers
gave each of us £3,000

and told us to go
to a classic car
auction in King's Lynn

which is famous for
being nowhere near
anywhere else in the world.

Yeah, and they said
we could buy absolutely
anything we wanted

as long as it was built
before 1982

and then, when we had cars,
there would be, not

the usual series of small
challenges but one big one.

MAY: After a 2,000 mile drive,
we arrived

at the wrong place.

And then the right one

-where, inside the shed...
-MAN: All right, mate?

...there were many cars
to choose from.

"The Teesside Yesteryear
Motor Club."

How much do I not want to go
out for dinner with anyone
who's a member of that?

Yeah, a '68 Daimler.

It's V8 but a tiny capacity
so a busy little engine

and too expensive
unless it goes cheap.

You never know.

MAY: As the start time neared,
we took our seats.

This is the first time
I've ever been
to a car auction.

It's fantastically exciting.
We could leave with anything.

At auctions in the past,
normally I'm the one at the
back, drunk out of my mind,

bidding for
signed rugby balls.

Those are charity auctions,
aren't they?

Ladies and gentlemen,
we will now
get the first car in.

-Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go.
-MAY: What is that?

-A London taxi.
-A Lanchester LJ 200.

-"1953. No documents.
Condition, three."
-No documents.

Where are you gonna start
with this one? 500? Quickly!

500? 500, thank you, sir.

-500, I'm bid.
-What are you doing?

-Let's get on with it.
-CLARKSON: It's the first one.

-I'm doing what I usually do
in nightclubs in Yorkshire.
-700, I'm bid.

I'm going ugly early.
Go in, get the first
one you can.

-1,000 bid.
-It's a car. I'm after it.

-At £1,000.
-Give it to me.

-Thank you, sir.
-That's mine.

-You bought it!
Look at the back of it.
-You madman!

-What do you mean
"go ugly early"?
-Because you go in...

I've been doing it
in nightclubs.

When I was in Ripon,
as a kid, we'd walk
into the nightclub,

and the first girl
that's breathing in and out,
walk up to her and go,

"Hi, love, how are you doing?"
You've pulled. That's it.
Job done.

Your mates, thinking, "Oh,
in a minute Ursula Andress
is going to turn up,

and she didn't, we're stuck."

MAY: The next lot was
a tasty Ford Cortina.

Hang on. Hang on.

On my right, 220. 220.
40. 240.
60. 260. 80. 280. 280.

300. At 320. 320...

-I bid!
-You did.

-You're still in it.
-420. 440...

I'm not sure
I want a convertible.
I want a convertible.

Oh, have it!
If you chicken out now,
you're not gonna get it.

Go on! Come on!

530. Quickly! 540.

No, I'm hanging on.
I'm hanging on.

MAY: Several terrible cars
came and went.

What the hell's this?

MAY: It's an Austin Seven.
CLARKSON: I'm not interested.

MAY: Then, finally,
a convertible arrived.

-Hang on.
-2,000 bid.

MAY: And Top Gear's auction
new boy went mad.

2,400. 2,500.

2,600. 2,900.

At 2,900.

3,000 bid.

-At 3,000. At 3,000.
-Ooh!

-3,100. 3,200.
-MAY: You're making a mistake.

-What are you bidding on?
-3,400. 3,500.

-Yes!
-3,600.

222.

-Have you thought...
-Holy...
I've just bought that!

How much have I paid for it?

-BOTH: £3,600.
-So I've gone over 600 of my
own money in that!

-Yes, sir.
-Oh, my God, what have I done?

HAMMOND: Well, at least
he'd done something

unlike James, who, as car
after car went by...

-Bid.
-No.

...still refused to buy.

You will see.
My patience will be rewarded.

-Spitfire Sports...
-Come on, James,
you want a Spitfire.

-No, I don't.
-James, it's in budget.
You like the colour.

Bid! Bid!

CLARKSON: James was being
so stubborn, I decided
to bid on his behalf.

1,450. 1,500.

-Did you just bid on that,
you halfwit?
-Yes.

-With that.
-With your number.

James, I'm warning you,
if you don't buy something
in a minute...

This is mine. It's a Bristol,

but it's got the wrong engine
so it's not worth much.
Watch this.

Someone start me. 5,000.
Get me away. 5,000 bid.
At 5,200. 5,400, 5,600...

-That's you stuffed,
then, isn't it?
-We're out.

6,200, 6,400...

I wanted that.

-7,000...
-So, Captain Cautious,
what are you gonna do now?

-You're starting now to look
like you're in trouble.
-You are.

There's plenty
more stuff coming through.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we're now coming up
to the last lot.

-What?
-The very last lot.

-Whoa.
-Oh, jeez...

Oh, mate!

HAMMOND: It'll look good.

-It's nice!
-I don't want that.

Seriously, what do we do,
'cause I don't want a Citroen.
I don't want it.

-550, 600, 700...
-You've got to bid, mate.

You've got no choice.

-You've got no...
-900 quid?

-Bid.
-1,050, 1,110...
1,150, 1,200...

-Oh, God. Yes.
-You've got
to buy it, mate.

1,400. 1,450!

-It's a lovely colour.
-1,500!

At 1,500... The name, sir?

Worth every penny!

MAY: It was time to inspect
what we'd bought.

Look at it in here.

MAY: It's like driving around
in a radiogram.

Listen to that! Oh.

This has not got an MOT,
has it?

I'll book it in
and get a ticky on it.

The first thing they're going
to say is you're running on...

-An odd number. Three.
-That's good.

We'll get the fourth one going
and it'll be fine.

I'm very confident.
This is a classic.

HAMMOND: And it was
a damn sight bigger
than Jeremy's classic.

This is going to be a
remarkable thing, watching you
fold yourself into a Midget.

-It isn't a Midget.
It's an Austin-Healy.
-It is!

-It's a hairy-chested
man's car.
-No, that's the big Healey.

This is a little tiny Healey
built in the same factory
as the MG Midget.

The only difference
between this and a Midget
is an MG badge.

-Oh...
-MAY: Here let me help you.

There, you see?

Let's do this scientifically.
There's the top
of the windscreen.

CLARKSON: Still, at least
my car wasn't medieval.

In 1977, you couldn't drink
the water in France

and they hadn't heard
of an ignition key.

MAY: How about that?

HAMMOND: What a dismal racket.

CLARKSON: It was time
to receive our challenge.

"You have been entered in
a classic time trial rally

"on the sunshine
Island of Mallorca."

Ah! Mallorca means...

Bad food, prawn shells
in everything...

Driving on the other side
of the road.

Oh, they do. They drive
on the wrong side of the road.

My steering wheel's on
the wrong side of the car.

Okay. "So you have two weeks
to prepare your cars

-"and ship them there."
-For a classic time...

I know what they are.
My wife does these.

They're those ones where you
have to get from A to B
on difficult roads

and you have to average
a certain speed, which is
within the speed limit

but you have to average it.
We are talking some properly
anal stuff here.

How do you make a car
ready for a rally?

I don't know.

CLARKSON: To find out,
we took our cars for a spin.

So, faults. Let's just go
through the faults.

That window won't wind up,
no big deal,

and the hood here
doesn't fit properly.
Other than those tiny things,

it's ready to rally, this one.

Power. 32 horsepower,
to be precise.

HAMMOND: While waiting
for a booking
at the MOT centre,

I discovered
something amazing.

Hold on a second.

My granddad
worked at Mulliner's,
the coach builders.

And in the 1950s,
when he was there,

they were making Hillman
Humber Standard and
Lanchester. This car's 1953

so my granddad built this car!

This actual car,
he was working at Mulliner's
and this is what he did.

He was a coach builder.
He built this car!

MAY: While Richard was having
his Who Do You Think
You Are? moment,

I was not very far away,
still not going very fast.

Naught to 60?
I'll give you a few seconds
to have an educated guess.

No. 31.7 seconds.

HAMMOND: Meanwhile, I was
getting acquainted with
Granddad's craftsmanship.

-Oh, God. Third isn't working.

Oh, hell.

I can't get anything
past second.

No. Granddad didn't
do the gearbox.
That's a Daimler gearbox.

Sorry!

This armrest is adjustable.

I'll adjust it up a bit... Oh.

My granddad
didn't build that bit.
That was somebody else.

Day off, maybe.

Eventually, I made
it to the MOT centre.

Meanwhile, in the Healey...

God, it's even got
quick steering.

Everybody knows a horror story
about someone who bought
a car at an auction.

But what you have here
is a fairy story.

Quite by accident,
I've bought a genuinely
brilliant little car.

Unlike Richard, whose MOT
inspection was now finished.

You've got a hydraulic pipe
that goes to the floating
master cylinder

and that's actually
leaking fluid quite badly.

-Yeah.
-In fact, it's a wonder
you got here with it.

-Okay.
-Okay.

The nearside front trunnion
top and bottom is badly worn,

the other side is following
quite closely behind it.

The brakes unfortunately
on the back are
about 83% out of balance.

You've got a brake hose which
goes to the mouse hole
which is floating,

which is pouring fluid out of
it. The shackles on the back
of the spring hangers,

I'm afraid they're in very bad
condition as well.

Most of the shackle pins
and bits and pieces are very
badly worn indeed

-and there are pins missing.
No headlights on it...
-Oh, God.

Come on, then, Hammond!
Come on. Tell us...

How bad was it?

That's what came back.

-I've had worse than that.
Oh, blimey.

That's the actual list.

That is the list of
everything that was wrong
with Granddad's...

That's enormous.

Well, anyway we'll pick
that up later on, but now

it is time to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.

Yes, it is.

But the extraordinary thing is
I bet almost none of you
have ever heard of him.

He is the lead singer
with AC/DC.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Brian Johnson!

Can't believe you're here!

What a star! You've come!

Fantastic!

-Have yourself a seat, Brian.
-Thank you.

I am properly fascinated
by how you've achieved it,

'cause everybody knows Jagger,
Daltrey, David Van Day.

Everybody knows
the lead singers
with these big bands.

But Brian Johnson?
How have you managed
to stay anonymous?

I think the band... It's just
the way we do things.
We stay under the radar.

You never see you on anything.
You're never at a
glittering gala do,

you're never at
Elton John's White Tie and...
No, you wouldn't be.

'Cause when I said, "Oh,
Brian Johnson's coming
on the show" to friends,

they went, "The cricket bloke?
He's dead."

That's Brian Johnston.

We enjoy keeping quiet.

We can live a normal
life, you know.

Is this right?
Black Hawk Down,
obviously we've seen the film,

but it was used
as well, wasn't it?
AC/DC.

Mike, the helicopter pilot,
that went down.

He'd been shot and
he'd been beaten and
they put him in a cell,

and he thought he
was finished. They kept coming
and beating him.

His pals knew that AC/DC were
his favourite band,

so they hooked a big speaker
on the skid of a helicopter

and they played Back In Black
and Hells Bells

and they flew over the city
and he dragged himself up

and took his shirt off and
waved it out the window

so they knew where he was and
they went down and got him.

-That's fantastic.
-And we remained...
He's a good friend.

You know, we talk
to each other at least...

You know, it's good
when stuff like that happens.

-That is a fantastic story.
-Yeah, it is.

We could rap about AC/DC
for some considerable time,

but you're here because
you are a massive,
massive car fan.

-Is that not...
-Since I was a kid.

My father knew there was
something wrong with us

when I'd be walking
down the street going,
"Javelin, Dad."

It drove him nuts so he went
to the scrap yard and he got
a steering wheel

and he stuck a stick
through it

and put it through
me bed head and put
some pillows on it

and said, "There you go.
Go on."

-And I sat there...
-What, so that's a car?

That was me car.
It was brilliant.

Although there was wallpaper
there, I couldn't see it.

I just saw the rest
of the world and I just
drove for hours.

So presumably, as soon as...
Obviously, we're talking
here about good, honest,

salt of the earth,
working-class
Geordie upbringing.

The original cars that you
finally got once you were old
enough, they were all what?

Cheerful, colourful, breaking
down a lot stuff?

Me first one,
which was fabulous, it was a
Ford Popular sit up and beg,

which had a beige exterior
and a salmon pink interior.

But it was mine,
it was freedom.
It was brilliant.

-You presumably go through the
Mini phase at that point.
-Mini phase was very important

because then you didn't
have to hide

the Ford Popular round
the corner when you
went to parties.

That's true.
The Mini was cool.
Was it a Cooper?

No, I tried to make it
look like a Cooper.

I put them little spready
things on the back wheels and
I put go-faster stripes on.

But it had sliding windows

and they were very handy
with the girls in the back.

-You could get their...

I know what you mean!

Sorry. I'm sorry.

-And obviously then
AC/DC came along.
-Yes.

-So what did you get? Heavy
metal band, heavy metal cars?
-I did.

I love me classics.
I bought an old
Triumph Roadster, 1948.

Now I drive a 1928 Bentley
Le Mans, 4.5 litre.

Bloody hell, really?
So when you say "drive",
do you use it every day?

I go for the paper in it,
you know.

It's just the way I...

-That's got the throttle
pedal. In the middle.
-That's a bugger.

Sometimes, you know,
when you're going
round a corner,

I'll just break...
"Oh, bugger!"

It can tighten
your bottom a bit.

It makes your arse go
like a rabbit's nose.

Do you have a favourite road?
Is that something you still...

'Cause I also get fed up
with people saying,

"I don't know what the point
of a nice car is,

"there's nowhere
nice to drive."

Yes, yes.
There's a lovely drive between
Newcastle and Carlisle.

There is a place is called
Haydon Bridge.

If you turn left there
and go up to Alston

and down the other side
into the Lake District,

it's probably one
of the most beautiful drives.

Do you know
the Buttertubs Pass,
North Yorkshire?

Every time I've got to
the other end of it,

I've always had to get out
and pee on the brakes.

I've got a story to beat that!

We were playing
at this big airport in Moscow,
Russia when the coup happened.

And Yeltsin was
on top of the tank

and he promised all the kids,
he said, "Thanks for helping,"
'cause they helped.

He said, "What do you want?"
They said, "We want
rock 'n' roll, AC/DC."

So we went over and there was
about a million people there.
It was the biggest...

-Really a million?
-Yeah.

There was 30,000 armed guards
to look after them.

It was getting darker and
I was just bursting for a pee

and I went outside
and there was this little
plinth, this concrete plinth

and I was standing
there going, ah, and these
two guards went...

They were really upset
and the translator came and
I'd just pissed on Sputnik.

But it was just
this black ball.
I didn't realise what it was.

Oh, bless.
So what's your day-to-day
wheels now?

Er, a Phantom.

-Oh.
-A Rolls-Royce Phantom.

Me favourite car in
the whole wide world.

12 funnels
of fun there, Jezza!

-It is the most fantabulous
piece of engineering.
-Ever.

When I turned 60, I thought,
"I'm gonna get meself
something special."

-Are you over 60?
-I'm 62 in October.

Hoo-hoo! I thought...
I'm impressed.

-I am very... Rock 'n' roll
has suited you.
-Oh, get out of here.

Yeah, aye, but...

Anyway, obviously,
we could sit here
and talk cars

and I'd be happy to do that
literally all day long,

but of course you came down to
do your lap. Now how was it?

The best time I've had
since I started the tour.

I've been sitting
in the back of a car

since last September
getting driven everywhere.

So, I just had a great time.

Who here would like
to see Brian's lap?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Okay.

Let's play the tape.
Let's have a look
how you got on.

CLARKSON: Okay...

# Is you is or is
you ain't my baby... #

CLARKSON: Let's see if this
love of cars translates into
an ability to drive well.

That's... Yeah.

Stabbing that one in nicely...
Ooh, I say.

-That was good.
-Nice and easy,
like gravy.

Wouldn't have thought
gravy was easy,

but there we are,
that's tidy as well.
No real problems there.

-Keep it cool, yeah, son.
-Go on, son!

CLARKSON: You're being smooth
and violent at the same time

which is quite an achievement.
That's back.

Look... That's perfect.
That is bang on.

# Oh, you must
remember this... #

CLARKSON: Concentrate.
No need to ask if you
were flat out through there.

I'm guessing...

I'm guessing this'll
be quick. It is!

And now we're coming up
to the second to last corner.
That's beautifully done.

Gambon, is that going
to catch you out?

No! Here we are,
across the line.

What you're saying...

Because it looks like
it was when Ellen MacArthur
came here, not dramatic,

but you just looked quick.
So... Where do you think?

I wouldn't bother looking
down here. I think
we've got reasonably...

Anywhere in the second middle!

-Sort of what? This...
-Yeah, just about there.

-With the Well Spoken Man and
Hugh Grant and so on.
-That would be nice.

Well, I got the time there.
So what we looking at?

Jay Kay is up at the top,
1:45.8.

Kevin McCloud,
Simon Cowell, 1:45.9.

So Brian Johnson, the man
nobody had ever heard of...

-You did it in, well,
one...
-Yeah.

...forty...

I've forgotten.

You're killing us!

-Five...
ALL: Oooh!

...point nine.

-You are the
second fastest man!

Brian Johnson, everybody!

The take off!

Exactly the same
as Kevin McCloud of
Grand Designs, Simon Cowell,

-Brian Johnson, a 1:45.9.
-Brilliant!

Jay Kay will have just
babbered himself!

I have so enjoyed having
you here today.

I'm just amazed how many gifts
God bestowed you with.

Great singing voice,
nice chap, anonymity, and now
can drive a car like an angel.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Brian Johnson!

What a man! What a man!

What a man!
Thank you very much.

Now earlier on, we bought
three classic cars
from an auction.

A 1953 Lanchester,

-a 1977 Citroen Ami 8, and
a 1969 MG Midget.
-CLARKSON: It's a Healey!

-BOTH: It's a Midget.
-It's just a Midget.

Anyway, we then discovered,
after we'd bought the cars,

that we had just two weeks
and hardly any money
to get them ready

for something called a
Regularity Time Trial Rally,
which was in Mallorca.

Sadly, Hammond had spent
all his budget,
and lots more besides,

getting the Lanchester his
granddad had built to work.

But for once, Jeremy had
done a good job,

and as usual, so had I.

However, before we could
get going, we were given
new instructions.

"On a classic rally, you need
a co-driver to operate the
timing gear and read the maps,

"But don't worry,
the producers have provided
one for each of you."

-They've provided...
-I'm not worried.

My betting is these
co-drivers, whatever we've got
in our mind now,

-I'm not certain...
-That's not what
they'll have provided.

CLARKSON: We weren't wrong.

James had been given
Madison Welch,
a glamour model.

-Hello.
-CLARKSON: Who has no interest
at all in classic rallying.

Have you honestly not done it?
I thought you did it as
a hobby?

-No, I've never done it!
-Seriously?

Serious.

For me, things just
keep getting better.

Because this is my co-driver.
His name is Joan Verger.

He is the
President of the Balearic
Motorsport Federation,

and an ex-Seat works driver.

Presumably you know
the roads up in the north
like the back of your hand.

The mountain...
The mountain roads.

You speak...

Don't tell me he doesn't
speak English.

No entiendo. No comprendo.

CLARKSON: Richard meanwhile
had been given a keen amateur
mechanic called Brian Wheeler.

Okay.

Brian!

It does that. It's fine.
You have to imagine
this in a rallying situation,

so the idea is
we get points deducted
for being early or late

-at the checkpoints
we have to get to.
-But I can't see.

Granddad didn't think of
that when he built it.

CLARKSON: The co-drivers
didn't fill us
with much confidence,

and then we saw the cars
we'd be up against.

There were Lancia Stratoses,
Mustangs, Corvettes
and endless Porsches.

-Ten 911s, 11, 12...
-I've never seen so many 911s.

-Thirteen 911s.
-So we've got...

This Mustang is in
our category.

Oh, my God, how am I gonna
compete against that!

CLARKSON: And then we got
even more bad news.

-It's absolutely fantastic.
You've had a great day?

-Yeah.
-Well, when did it start?

Last night was
the first stage, and this
morning at 8:30,

we were out there. So, yeah.

-Five. Okay...
-Five stages, yeah.
Five stages.

-Okay. Thank you for that.
-What were they saying?

I don't know how
this has happened.
I imagine it's James' fault,

but we were told or we thought
the rally started
tomorrow morning.

It turns out
it actually started
two days ago.

So, even before we'd started,
we knew we had
no chance of winning.

At the very least,
we are competing
against each other.

Why don't we just make it
a private race?

Whatever it is, it requires
precision and patience,
so you won't win.

I bet you £25 that I beat you.

-Three-way bet.
-HAMMOND: All right.
All right.

CLARKSON: And so,
the next morning,
two days late,

with the wrong co-drivers
and the wrong cars...

Does anybody here
know how to zero the trip
on an Austin Healey Sprite?

...we set off.

Go!

We've got no gear.

Not got a lot to talk about.

We had to arrive
at various checkpoints
at specified times,

and then complete a number of
special stages on closed roads
at a precise average speed.

This wouldn't be easy
in the Healey.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

My speedometer is saying
I'm doing 60 miles an hour

when I'm doing about 30...
No, 20.

How are we going to be able
to do average speeds
when this is saying

60 miles an hour?

MAY: When we stop
at the next bit

I'll write down some simple
speed and distance,
little formulae for you

so you can work out
average speeds as well.

There's only two that
you really need to know.

How fast we've been going,
how fast we need to go,

or how long
we've taken so far.

That's where you can use
the two stopwatches,

so you can say
for 10 minutes
we've been doing...

Mountains!

HAMMOND: Does this car smell
healthy to you?

-Actually, there is
a slightly, um, oily smell.
-Yeah.

Right. So the roundabout
is actually at 127,

so you need to
add another one kilometre...

Hello?

Hello!

MAY: Still. Could be worse.

HAMMOND: Granddad didn't
do the cooling system

so it can be a bit...

It's all falling out.

Oh, God!

So how long should we wait?

I think we're gonna wait
about half an hour,
for it to cool down.

So we'll then have to go
faster to make the...

We will have to go
a lot faster, and um,

break a few rules, I think.

Brian, it can't go
much faster.

MAY: Jeremy, meanwhile,
was getting into the spirit
of amateur rallying.

Loser! Loser!

CLARKSON: We then arrived
at the first
closed-road stage,

which we would
have to complete

at a specified average speed.

-The speed...
-Zero. Si...

The speed.

This, at what speed?

Cuanto...

Cuanto...

-Which one's too tight?
-That one.

Are you sure?

It's very difficult
to do this without
accidentally getting hold

of the work
of the divine potter.

-Perfecto...
-No, no, what?

-Fifty?
-No, no, no. Bien.

50... No? Um...

CLARKSON: I decided
to just do it flat out.

We're going!

Heel and toe.
Down into second...
Clip the apex!

This made Joan very angry.

No, rapido, no!
Mas despacio.

No, perfecto!

What's that mean?

Plus lentement? Rapido?
Tranquilo?

-Tranquilo, tranquilo.
-Rapido.

CLARKSON: Meanwhile,
in the Open University...

When we get to this next one,
stop that stopwatch

and start that one
at exactly the same time.

Then you got
a record on that one
to write down

and that one is then
timing it to the next one.

In fact, don't.
That'll confuse us 'cause
we have to take it away.

Just leave that one running.

But jot down
what the time actually said.

Yeah?

Yeah.

HAMMOND: We still
weren't at the first stage,

and Brian was
less than impressed with
Granddad's Lanchester.

-Ouch!

-Suspension's good then
on this.
-Yeah, it is.

-I hardly felt it
on this side.
-Yeah.

It's good, yes? Finish?

What time? Show me the time.

Time! Time, Manuel!

Can't see, can't...
I've no idea.

I've just done something
and I don't know what it was.

As it turned out,
what I'd done is
go way too fast,

which meant Joan
had to do yet more sums.

Maths.

Can't talk to him.
He's doing

literally sitting
a maths exam.

But I bet the conversation
in the bar at night is fun.

"I did more maths
than you today."

"No, you didn't,

"I did more maths than you."

In fact, the only person
enjoying this less than me

was James' co-driver.

Divide 60 by 55.

Why do you keep saying that?

It's a 60 thing,
like the Assyrians had.

There's not 100 seconds
in a minute, there are 60,

-and that is a decimal...
-What are you on about?

It's 0.85.
So times 0.85 by 60.

Do you just like saying
different numbers?

-MAY: What do I do
at this roundabout?
-Huh?

-What do I do
at this roundabout?
-What roundabout?

HAMMOND: Brian and I
had finally arrived
at the first stage.

However...

Bloody hell!

CLARKSON: Okay. It's 40.

That's 40 miles an hour.

So I'm driving about
half the speed my car can go

in order to win.

£25 is riding on this, Joan,

£25, which is about
25 Euros,

thanks to Mr Brown.

To be honest, though,
right now,
my money was pretty safe.

There would only be
other cars here

if they were lost in exactly
the same way as us.

Left or right?

That way.

Do you know that
or are you just guessing?

There is a left somewhere.
Is it only...

There's hundreds
of lefts in it.

I prefer you do, too.

Don't do...
Please, don't do that.

Now! Go, go, go, go!

HAMMOND: Finally,
we were doing our first stage.

However...

-Where do I go now, Brian?
I'm terrified.
-Forward! Forward!

HAMMOND: Can you see
out of the car

exactly where
we're going or not?

-Well, I can see sort of
the hills and the sky.
-Right.

I'll tell you what's happening
in front of us.

-Well, it's straight ahead.
-I can't get this gear.

It's a very big
steering wheel, isn't it?

Granddad liked to make sure
you had, you know,
good, proper-sized wheels.

It makes you look smaller.

Well, now, um... Okay.

Oh, God, look at the steam
coming out the bonnet.

Oh, my word!

CLARKSON: Realising
he'd got off to a bad start,

James was now trying
to charm Maddie

with some
romantic conversation.

It's not actually an overdrive

but you need to
treat it as one.

It's actually
a ratio of 1 to 1.

It simply locks
the input shaft
to the output shaft.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

WELCH: Do you actually
do anything to your hair?

Well, I wash it occasionally.

- You should
wear a hair band.
-No.

Oh, why couldn't we get
one of them?

That's a nice car.

I bet that don't overheat.

HAMMOND: Just after lunch,
we made it to the lunch stop,

where Jeremy explained
that Brian and I

had amassed the biggest
number of penalty points
in rallying history.

So, I've got 3,600 points,
the lowest points worth.

You've got 41,897.

And you've got 44,000.

-It's quite close
between you two.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

HAMMOND: To punish Jeremy
for his smugness,

we decided to modify his car.

So that is now
the heater jammed on?

-Yes, the only way he can
turn it off is to stop...
-And open the bonnet.

Lose vital seconds,
or hours in his case

because he won't be able to
work out how to do that.

HAMMOND: But as we headed off
to the afternoon stages,

strangely,
it was in the Citroen

where things were getting hot.

MAY: I think it's in there.
WELCH: I can feel it.

-Yeah, it's like
a little tube.
-There.

-Yeah.
-Ooh! That's little!

Right. Now, pout.

You can't have cracked lips.

HAMMOND: I changed
from first to third

in my pre-selection gearbox,

which means technically,
I short-shifted.

When I say short,
I don't mean that...
I'm not being rude.

You keep saying short,
don't you?

No, I meant I short-shifted.

I wasn't being clever.

CLARKSON: In the Healey,
my lunchtime smugness was
starting to look premature.

Hello? Ooh, God.

-We have no clutch.

-No!
-No!

CLARKSON: This meant
I'd have to choose
one gear for the stage,

and then stick with it.

Here we go.

-Perfect, perfect, perfect.
-Yes.

CLARKSON: It's all going wrong
for us this afternoon!

Also, I have to say,
I think the heater is on.

Do you know
how to turn the heater off?

But Joan wasn't going to let
anything mess up his maths.

VERGER: Hurry, hurry, hurry.
CLARKSON: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Va!

We've got one gear,
I can do nothing!

Vamos, vamos. Va, va, va!

I can't reach
50 kilometres an hour on this.

This is impossible.

-Bueno, bueno.
Fast, fast, fast!
-Yes, yes, yes.

Your handbag's in the way.
God!

WELCH:
They're laughing at the car.

They're not.
They're cheering us on.

Okay, if you say so.

Why don't they speak English?

'Cause they're Spanish.

HAMMOND: Following
the shambles of the morning,

Brian was now in a right mood.

-Anything to let me
know about?
-No.

What about this massive
tight left-hand bend here?

I haven't got
a map of the route.

What?

I haven't got
a map of the route.

Come on,
you should talk to me
earnestly.

There should be a constant
stream of instructions
issuing from you.

Left turn coming up.

In a hairpin.

You're just telling me things
you can see out the window

now you've got a cushion!

Ah, gone.

-Vaya a la derecha.
-We're losing the brakes.

I'm losing the brakes.

VERGER: Perfecto. Vaya, vaya.

CLARKSON: Because the Healey
was in such a bad way,

I managed to cross the line

in a slow enough
time for once.

-We've finished.
-Yay! Yay!

Is that good?

-Is that good?
-Ooh! Good.

And the Love Boat
finished on time as well.

-7:46.
-Yep.

Spot on.

CLARKSON: Meanwhile,
back in PC world...

I didn't mean Jeremy's car was
rubbish because it's a midget.

I just meant
that's what it is.

It's an MG Midget...

It... I'm sorry.

Brian, it's making
a bad noise.

And a bad smell.

WHEELER: Bollocks.

Oh, this is...
I think I may have to
stop for a moment.

CLARKSON: This meant
Richard would miss the final
checkpoint of the day.

James and I had
no problems though

because all we had to do was
stick to a motorway.

It was therefore impossible
to get lost.

Which way?

-Straight on.
-Are you sure?

No.

Yeah, let's go there.
It looks pretty.

You don't go there
because it's pretty.

Well, there should be signs
and there isn't.

Can you not work out...
Please, can you take
your hat off? Please.

Sorry, it's really lovely
but I can't see
the cars coming.

-Thanks.
-Now I've got flat hair.

That's not important.

No, I want it in the front.

CLARKSON: Mind you,
it wasn't exactly
plain sailing for me either.

Come on, please, traffic.
Please, please.

How can they have a rush hour
in Mallorca?

Nobody does anything.

Get up, throw a donkey
off a tower block,

sit in a plastic chair
by the side of the road,

go to bed.

Where does the rush hour
come from in that?

Oh, God.

CLARKSON: Day one, then,
of our first classic rally
hadn't been a total success.

However, day two
sounded promising

because we were at a track.

No more maths,
no more stopwatches,

just hour after hour of
pedal to the metal action.

Or so I thought.

"Each group does two rounds of
four rounds each.

"The first round of each round

"serving as a reference time

"for the following
three rounds..."

CLARKSON: It turned out
we'd set a time
on our first lap

and then we'd win
if we matched that time
on the next three.

MAN: Is that clear?
CLARKSON: No,
I've got a question.

If you break down
on your first lap,

do you have to then break down
on the subsequent three laps?

HAMMOND: I decided
to break down
before we started.

Oh, God!
Have you seen the oil
raining off my chassis?

-WHEELER: Oh!
-It's just raining oil!

Come on, she'll do it.
She's got to do it.
She's a good old girl.

That's fallen off.
That's all...

Yeah, I meant that.

Have you done the other side?

WELCH:
You're going to sparkle.

-If you or I had done that,
he would kill us.
-Yes, he would.

CLARKSON: We then
hit the track to set
our benchmark lap times.

And I decided,
because the Healey
was stuck in third,

to keep things steady.

Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.

Set a nice, smooth lap time.

Looking good.

CLARKSON: James, obviously
trying to impress Maddie,

was being
rather more vigorous.

Whoa!

We're following
a cross-Channel ferry!

MAY: Your teddy bear
on the spare wheel
is not entirely helpful.

HAMMOND: In the Lanchester,
it was business as usual.

Was it a sort of boiling
hissing sound?

No, it was a clunking sound.

Hang on, you've got...
Oh, the temperature's
right up as well.

You've got to ease up,
you've got to ease up.

Yeah, but we've got
to get the time.

Let's just get
around this lap.

HAMMOND: Despite
everything though,

even an official
telling me to slow down,

we were all starting to
enjoy ourselves.

I've seen more cars
that I've wanted to own today.

And you can come here
and you can talk to people,

and you can use
words like 16 valve
and you're not embarrassed.

Yeah, they don't
walk off and leave.

-You can be who you are,
talk about cars...
-I know.

Drive like a lunatic
on a track.

-It's quite nice to be
a car person again.
-It is.

HAMMOND: Back on the track,

the Lanchester seemed to be
behaving as normal.

-Temperature's gone right up.
-Yeah.

I was therefore confident

I'd matched
my original lap time.

Right now, we did that
29 seconds faster.

-Did we? Oh, God.
-Yeah.

That's a disaster
if we're that far adrift.

CLARKSON: In the Love Boat,
James unaware that Maddie had
decorated his helmet even more

was having
the time of his life.

I think we're coming up to
your first stopwatch point.

Two minutes, 36.

-Right, reset then.
-Reset.

MAY: 1:34, 2:36.

1, 3, 4, 2, 3, 6.

MAY: There you go.

MAY: Sadly, our efforts
were a bit pointless

because all Jeremy had to do
to win overall victory

was run calm and steady.

And he knew that.

He who shall be slowest
shall be first.

MAY: But then...

Mmm...

I've got a big Mustang
up my trumpet.

I don't like being overtaken.

It's a sign of weakness.
Let's have him.

Oh! Power!

What's Jeremy doing?

CLARKSON: Out of my way!

Oh, yes!

No! No! No!

CLARKSON: My little car
may have been
a bit broken

but I wasn't going to
let it get beaten.

Ah, ha!
You weren't ready for that!

Joan even forgot the maths.

No, this is very bad!

Oh, yes!

Yes, what do you
think of that?

Loser!

CLARKSON: But then
the penny dropped.

What I've done, I think,
is accidentally got involved
in a race with a Mustang,

and ruined my time.

Back at the pits,
there was even more bad news.

-So James May was perfect?
He was perfect?
-He was perfect. Yes.

Damn it.
I don't want to hear that.

James, you might be in
with a shout at beating me.

Have you got your lap times?

They were pretty consistent.

But we're only doing it
to the nearest second.

He was only doing it
to the nearest second!

-Hammond.
-What?

-He may have a flower
on his helmet...
-What?

But he's still
James May, so...

Have you put a flower on it
as well?

That's what I was laughing at.
There's a flower on your hat.

-Have a look at your hat.
-Oh, bloody hell.

CLARKSON:
We now had to wait to see

if James had pipped me
at the post.

But either way,
it didn't really matter

because our three
King's Lynn crocks

had made it
to the finishing line.

And on the way,
they'd wormed their way
into our hearts.

In short,
on this glorious island,

all of us, in our own way,

had fallen
a little bit in love.

CLARKSON:
This is the bet, £25.

HAMMOND: Yeah.

-£25.
-So, who do I give it to?

Who do I give it to?

You give it, Richard Hammond,
to James May.

-What?
-He is the winner.

Thank you.

Anyway, I have to say,
all of us have fallen in love
with the cars we had out there

to such an extent
that for the first time ever,

after a film, all three of us
have actually bought them
from the BBC.

Well, I had to buy
the Lanchester,

Granddad built it,
it's part of the family.

Now, I do have a bit
of a disappointment
for you on that,

Hammond, because
you see I discovered,

before the rally began
if I'm honest...

How can I put this?
This particular Lanchester
was built

-by Barkers, not Mulliners.
-What?

Which means that
what you've done

is bought at great expense

a car built by
somebody's granddad.

-Oh, God!

And on that bombshell,
ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to end,

see you next week.
Thank you for watching.
Good night.

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