Top Gear (2002–…): Season 13, Episode 2 - Episode #13.2 - full transcript

Tonight, we throw a chair over a hedge

A quite interesting man drives a reasonable price car

And, for the first time ever the Bugatti Veyron races the McLaren F1.

Thank you, everybody, thank you!

Hello, Hello and Welcome!

Noisy

Now, every year 50.000 17-year old past a driving test and have to by a car, ok?

Because the seventeen the car they want: a sporty cool and preferee turbocharged.

Trouble is, their parents want them- to have something that is slow, cheap and safe.

And the insurance companies would rather they didn't have anything at all.

So, to sort all this out, the producers gave us each a typical budget of ?2,500,



told us to pretend we were 17-year-olds

and then go out there and buy cars that would please us as 17-year-olds,

our parents and the man from the Pru.

This is genuine, genuine consumer advice. Well, mostly.

Sort of. At first.

There are any number of cars on offer these days

for that kind of budget -

even this 1997 BMW 7 Series.

Great car, ABS, air bag, so it's safe in a crash.

Parents will love it for this reason. And kids'll love it cos, well, it's cool.

'Back at the Top Gear office, and pretending to be 17...'

Student, living at home.

'..I set about sorting the Bimmer's insurance.'

How much?!



7,000 what? Pounds?!

I've been very sensible here. Look at this. I've found a Suzuki Liana,

which is small, sturdy, safe... Yeah.

?1,300... Yeah. Gives me ?1,200 to spend. What, on insurance? Yep.

That won't be enough. ?1,200, I guarantee it won't be enough.

'And he was right.'

HE LAUGHS

How do you feel now?

Go on.

?3,377, Asda will do it for ?3,400.

HSBC, ?4,600.

OneQuoteDirect, OK... ?8,007! don't think they want the business.

'We ploughed through the options for hours.'

Student, full-time, studying, er, er, religion.

James May. No, Adam Smith, sorry.

?2,500 is 15 times more than the car is worth.

No, but what you're saying is I'm going to write it off completely 15 times a year.

Premiums for 17-year-old girls are half what they are for 17-year-old boys. Seriously

Premiums for 17-year-old girls are half what they are for 17-year-old boys. Seriously

Half the money. Well, there's a Top Gear top tip right there.

If you're a 17-year-old boy and you need car insurance, slice your penis off.

I would have done. I did.

THEY LAUGH

I nearly did, I should say.

That explains... a great many things.

'The phoning went on, until eventually we had a list of cars that could be bought and insured

'for less than ?2,500.'

It is like looking through the menu- at a Scottish restaurant.

Not much in it and nothing you I mean, look at that

Rover Metro, Citroen AX.

Can you imagine a 17-year-old in a Suzuki Wagon R+? Thanks(!) 1L.

Very good, thank you, bye-bye.

'It soon dawned on us that the only- realistic way of getting covered when you're 17

'is by going on your parents' insurance.

'So, we got back on the phones pretending to be Dad.'

No, we're only going to let him drive to the shops really very, very rarely.

No, no accidents in the last five years.

'Finally, we were in business.'

'So, having bought our cars, we were told to meet in a school playground

'and I was the first to arrive.'

As you would imagine, I've done this properly.

It...

It's a Golf and that's really all there is to say about it.

It cost my mum ?695

and it cost her ?1,509 to insure it- with me on as a named driver

for very occasional use, such as today, when I've just come to see my mates.

CAR HORN TOOTS

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

JAMES LAUGHS

Is it an S Coupe?

It is a Hyundai S Coupe.

1.5L and, I think you'll agree... Well,

there's only one word for it - coupe. Ssscrap.

It's a coupe! It's magnificent. 85bhp,

bucket seats, electric windows.

How much was yours? Sorry, how much did your mum pay?

My mum paid ?700 for this.

'And then...

'a geography teacher arrived.'

God above, I thought that was one of the teachers!

I'm sorry, I'm 17... "Happy birthday, son!" "Nooo!"

The perfect car for any 17-year-old. Why?! Why? Y-yes!

My turbo. Low pressure, I think. It is a low pressure turbo.

What have you got? I've got a Golf.- Has it got a turbo? No.

They did do a turbo... What is that?! A Hyundai S Coupe

and they did do a turbo.

Not on this one. not on this one. So, you turn up at the school, here's my turbo.

There's another very important issue that we must address.

The most precious thing in your life, your child, speaking as a parent,

is sitting in that seat. Yes? Yeah. Yes.

Look at the amount of metal between him and the tree he will inevitably hit.

'So, there we are. We had the cars.- We had the insurance.

'All we needed was a challenge.'

Thank you.

"You must now imagine that you are 17..."

Yes. "..and modify your cars accordingly

"in order to do what any 17-year-old boy wants to do -

"attract girls."

Ha! You've had it!

Well, look at your beige Volvo! Get on with it. What?

"Your budget is whatever you have left from your original ?2,500.

So, how much have you got? ?300.

You? ?500. You?

Nought.

'Two days later, our wheels were ready and I'd gone for the thing girls love most -

'a body kit.'

It's not from exactly the same model,

but it's close enough. And I've customised it to fit perfectly.

With my budget of ?0, I'd fitted a girl-enticing water bed in the back.

Well, when I say water bed, what I mean is... Well, it's a lilo.

But to enliven it a bit, I've teamed it with a leopard-skin throw

and shag-pile carpet, which is more a sort of a bath mat.

And then, to finish it all off, some simple, hand-painted turbo motifs.

As you can see, I've done absolutely nothing

to the outside of my car and that's- because I've spent my whole ?300

on exactly what a 17-year-old wants -

a banging stereo for my tunes.

BAROQUE MUSIC PLAYS

'Sadly, our destination was 60 miles away...

'..30 more than James's bladder can ever manage.

'While he went for a wee, Richard and I decided to improve his car

'even more.'

I think you'll find track four is particularly to his liking.

So we take out his Bach and we pop in this... Yeah. Hang on.

What have we got?

That's glued. Volume's glued. Glued, glued, glued. The source button's glued.

JEREMY LAUGHS Oh, that's perfect!

We need to glue the whole damn thing, literally every button.

Yeah, because the moment he puts the ignition on,

it will be on full.

Right. Oh, perfect.

That is... This will brighten his day.

SILENCE

SILENCE

POUNDING MUSIC THUMPS

Ooh, yeah.

MUSIC CONTINUES TO THUD

I'm expecting the phone to ring any- minute, with James asking if I have- the stereo remote control

and the answer to that is yes.

MUSIC CONTINUES

'The producers had told us to report to an abandoned camp site

'at the bottom of a very slippery field.'

Whoa! That was well parked.

MUSIC CONTINUES TO POUND

Maybe we'll have converted him? THEY LAUGH

That's an unhappy spaniel right there, isn't it?

Any ideas? Thoughts?

Ah! This'll answer the question.

"The festival test.

"You've been at Glastonbury for the weekend,

"it's finished and now it's a straight race to see who can pack

"all their camping equipment and stuff into their car

"and get out of the car park."

How hard can it be?

Don't say that! Go!

That has to be medical. It must be.

Oh, bugger!

That's not mine. That was there. I don't know what that is.

So, that's a piece of cake. Ah!

Guys! Problem!

What? I shoved my anarchy flag through my water lilo.

Nobody's ever said that before. 'James struggled to get everything in his Golf,

'whereas I had no problems at all with my enormous Volvo.'

I'm outta here.

What is my mum going to say?

'Happily, I wasn't the only one who'd be in trouble.

'In his eagerness to get out of the field first,

'Hammond completely forgot about his new body kit.'

Yes! Yes!

Oh, no!

How am I going to tell my mum about that?!

'As Hammond and I floundered on the green ice,

'Ravey May-vy's Golf powered through to victory.'

MUSIC POUNDS

James has got the right idea. It's speed, weirdly.

'I was the next to break free...'

Ha-ha! I am out.

'..leaving just the geography teacher.'

Yes.

Argh!

I can't stop it!

Here we go!

Argh!

Speed!

No.

How is this possible?

MUSIC POUNDS

Oh, please!

Please don't do this to me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We will pick that up later on. Can I just point out that before we do move on,

if you do decide to put yourself on your parents' insurance, and you have a crash,

and the insurance company find out that it was really your car...

Which they will if it's got a body kit on.

Even half a body kit. Whatever!

The point is if the insurance company find out it WAS your car,

they won't pay out.

Then they can prosecute you and you might have to go to jail.

And then one day, you'll be in the showers and a big, strange man...

Hey, hey! OK. Anyway, the point is,- get yourself a beige Volvo,

cos no loss adjuster will imagine that's yours.

LAUGHTER

While filming that, it was amazing - it brought back that excitement of first learning to drive

when we were 17 and the driving test and passing it - well, not passing it in your case...

What do you do on a driving test if you don't pass it? You...

I failed, all right! I failed first time. Yes, I did.

Failure. Why did you fail?

A traffic light went red as I came up to it and the examiner said, "Proceed as you normally would,"

so I gave it a bootful. LAUGHTER

I failed.

Presumably, you passed first time? No. I failed. Really?!

You failed?! What, you got lost?

We were going along and all of a sudden, he hit the dashboard

and he said, "Look out, there's a small child in the road!"

and I said, "No, there isn't," and kept going.

Cos there wasn't. So you were just being pedantic?

No, I was being correct. He was anticipating an emergency stop, not an argument, you fool! Was he?

Yeah, that's it. Actually... What? While we're on the subject,

at the other end of the scale from our failure, you turned up with some scissors in your pocket,

ready to cut your L-plates off the car.

True. It's optimistic. I didn't see it as a driving test,

so much as a confirmation of my excellence.

LAUGHTER

That's really what it was. When he said, the man,

whatever he was - the instructor...- Examiner. ..examiner - when he said,

"Congratulations, Mr Clarkson, you've passed,"

what I heard was, "Congratulations,- Mr Clarkson, you are the best driver I've ever seen in my life."

You can imagine my surprise 36 hours later to find myself in a field,

surrounded by sheep that were no longer alive and bits of what used to be my mum's Audi.

"How did this happen?! I'm the best driver in the world and I've gone and stuffed it!"

Right, can we now do the news? Last week, we were talking about the Government's scrappage scheme,

which is important and we got distracted

by talking about playing croquet with tortoises. Dead tortoises.

We mustn't do that again, because the scrappage scheme genuinely is important.

To prop up the car industry, the Government is encouraging you to scrap old cars and buy new ones.

The trouble is that the cars people- are buying are Korean,

which means the Government is using our money

to help Kim Jong-il buy nuclear weapons.

That's the wrong bit of Korea. Don't be so pedantic!

It's hardly pedantic, Jeremy. One is a free market economy making- a harmless hatchback

the other is a totalitarian regime,- allegedly making weapons of mass destruction.

When a nuclear bomb drops on your house, don't come crying to me about your distinctions.

Why would the South Koreans nuke Hammersmith?

They use American guidance systems?

LAUGHTER

We're going off-topic again! Can we get back?! Yes. Get back to the scrappage scheme.

This is an important point. It is more ecological - and this is a fact,

the Green Party agree with us ONLY on this point -

it's more ecological to keep an old car going

than it is to scrap it, throw it away and build a new one. True fact.

If you've got an old car - we really are on-topic here -

if you've got an old car, it has to be serviced by someone.

That someone is going to be under an arch at the end of your road,

and not Kim Jong-il. LAUGHTER

Now, you know the Ariel Atom? Yes. You drove one last year. Yes. When you stepped out of it,

did you think, "Bit slow"? No, I didn't.

Everyone had said it's superbike fast and I thought, "Oh, come on, don't be ridic...argh!"

It's insanely fast. That one had a supercharged 4-cylinder Honda engine out of a Civic, yes? Yes.

They've now come up with this, which has a supercharged V8 engine.

They're saying it's got more than 500 horsepower

and the car weighs less than half a tonne.

So that is more than 1,000 horsepower per tonne.

That's just staggering. A Bugatti Veyron, to put that in perspective,- is 521bhp per tonne,

so it's nearly twice as powerful. It'll be too fast to see.

It'll be there, then not there. There'll be a thin film of what was- the clutch on the road.

It's ?100,000, but I don't believe cars can get better than that.

What if you're an antique dealer? That'll be limiting for... It's not.

That's what this is on the back for.

You strap wardrobes, chests of drawers on there and... They've thought about it. See?

You know Vauxhall? Yes. Canadian company now.

Vauxhall has done a supercharged version of the VXR8.

Here it is - it's called the Bathurst.

That makes the worst noise... What?! It makes the best noise!

The supercharger, that screech! It's brilliant. The mechanical whine... It's deafening!

It's like driving along - what's that opera singer called - Katherine...er...Jenkins!

It's like her having what DH Lawrence would've called a "crisis".

A what? A crisis.

Lady Chatterley, goes in the barn with the gardener, in the hay,

some things happen, then she has a "crisis". Oh!

A crisis...yes. That's what it sounds like, a constant Victorian crisis.

That's my point, it's a brilliant noise. The supercharger whine is a mechanical driving sound.

That does make other brilliant noises. No, the best noise

made by any car is my Mercedes - which is now only 19 days away from- its first service,

so the cooler will be mine in 19 days, right -

but that, between about 2,750 and 3,500 revs on three-quarter throttle,

that is the best noise in the world.

I thought... What?

..the best noise that had ever come- out of a car came out of the stereo- in my 17-year-old Golf

until you two touched it inappropriately.

LAUGHTER

Actually, while we're on the subject of this,

last week, James did talk about touching people inappropriately

and the Daily Star, in an editorial, says that we've upset the Scouts and the Catholic Church

and that we can add those two august organisations

to other people we've offended, including lorry drivers, Scots, Malaysians,

Germans, blind people, anti-hunt protesters and smokers.

I'm sorry, but this sort of gutter press claptrap gets so far up my nose.

How dare they? How dare they suggest that we would be rude to smokers?!!

LAUGHTER

That is the end of the news.

Now, at this point, Jeremy usually rushes off to drive a car very quickly around our track.

This week, it was my turn

and I thought, "Why just do it at the track?"

WIND HOWLS

HOOFBEATS

Arabia. Visitors here get all misty-eyed about camp fires

in the sands of time, and you can see why.

But the truth is, the place is shot- through with a love of speed...

'..which means it's the perfect place to go for a run in this -

'the brand-new Lamborghini Murcielago.'

Over there is downtown Abu Dhabi.

Between me and it is a four-mile, arrow-straight stretch of highway.

ENGINE REVS

And...it's closed.

How lucky is that?

TYRES SQUEAL

Oh, what a noise!

140.

150.

160.

170mph.

Whoa!

Whoa. You've just met the Lamborghini Murcielago LP670-4 SV,

or, to put it in plain English... the fastest Lamborghini ever made.

'It's also the last Murcielago that'll ever be made,

'because a brand-new replacement is coming next year.

'But rest assured that the old one won't be going quietly,

'because from every angle, this last hurrah looks absolutely evil.'

GROWLING

I mean, just look at that exhaust.

If a Toyota Prius came up behind and saw that, it would wet its pants.

'So, LP670-4 SV.'

The SV stands for Sport Veloce, something they've tagged their hardcore models since the Miura.

The "4" is the 4-wheel drive.

The LP stands for...something.

The 670 is the horsepower, which is 30 more than the last one

and also, quite a lot.

'And whilst they've added power, they've also been busy stripping away weight.'

It's 100kg lighter than the standard car.

It's got a lighter exhaust system, more of it's made of carbon fibre

and it does all add up, because the results are astonishing.

0-60, 3.2 seconds.

Top speed, 212mph.

'They've also taken away the radio,- but that's fine by me.'

Because that noise...

That glorious noise!

This V12 has basically been around since the Miura

and it too will die along with this car.

And it is just as if it's howling,

"You'll miss me when I'm gone!"

'And I'm not the only one who thinks this car has a human soul.'

All car-makers release official info with every new car

and, usually, this stuff is pretty dry.

Here's Mercedes talking about the exhaust on the SL Black.

They say, "The new design reduces exhaust gas backpressure.

"The acoustic side effect of this is to produce

"a distinctive 12-cylinder sound from the two trapezoidal tailpipes."

By contrast, here's Lamborghini's latest info. They say that this exhaust, in this car,

makes a sound that ranges from, "the heavy rumble of a stormy night,

"through the trumpeting of mighty elephants, to the roar of a raging lion."

You just get the sense that before this car dies, they actually wanted- to make it come to life.

They've certainly done that.

It isn't just a lighter, faster Murcielago - the weight loss

has transformed it into a completely different car.

The steering is just so sharp,

the brakes so effective.

Don't get me wrong, it's still a big, scary car,

but it's so light and nimble on its feet. Sand!

Yeah, this'd be a lot easier if the desert would stay still.

'The price for this outrageous curtain-call?

'?270,000.'

Actually, that's quite cheap.

It is!

'Because I think this thing can run- not just with mere supercars...

'..but with the more rarefied and expensive hypercars.'

There it is!

That's an SLR 722 - like an SLR, only more.

That is hypercar royalty, right there.

'So, since we still have the roads to ourselves,

'let's see if the 722 can keep its royal status

'in a race between the lights.'

I think it's got what it takes. Let's find out.

ENGINES REV

TYRES SQUEAL

This is it! Come on, little Lambo!

Ah-ha-ha!

Try that on, fella.

160.

170 through the centre of Abu Dhabi. Hello!

Ohhh!

He's ahead but only just!

Man, this is close!

It's close!

Red light!

Whoa! Braking up to the red light quite hard.

RICHARD LAUGHS

That is a truly ridiculous game.

It was unbelievably close.

I was there, alongside hypercar royalty. Compared to that,

this is a snotty little ragamuffin.

And that's a hundred grand more than this.

Quite a swan song.

'Yep, in its dying moments,

'the Murcielago has become one of the all-time supercar greats.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There's some evidence on these seats that you had a crisis.

But it's magnificent.

It's such a...

It's such a pantomime car and the best thing is,

underneath the exterior there is a serious actor trying to get out.

It can really do the job.

Thing is though, you've always said- that your favourite supercar is the Zonda F, OK?

So, which would you choose?

Oh, no that's cru...that's...uh.

Come on. That's like asking me to choose between my children.

Come on!

No, the only way to sort this out

is to see how fast this is round the track.

Speaking of which...

Last week a man came here claiming to be The Stig.

LAUGHTER

You may have seen it, OK?

Now, maybe he is, we don't know.

OK, maybe he is.

But what we do know is that he set a time of 1 minute 10 seconds in a Ferrari FXX round the track -

top of our leader board.

We subsequently discovered he was doing that on slick tyres.

Now, we have rules on this Power Board here, OK.

You can't use slicks, so this time is coming off.

What? BOOING

Oh, boo?! LAUGHTER

This is a dictatorship.

If you want to live in a democracy,- go to Iran.

LAUGHTER

I have to work with that, week in week out.

It's now time to find out how fast this is round our track

which means we must hand it over to our tame racing driver.

Now some say that last week

he was found in a locked room tied to a chair

with German piano wire...

LAUGHTER

..And that this week, MPs turned him down for the job of Speaker.

All we know is that's three things he has in common with Margaret Beckett.

And he's off!

Another similarity is, of course, very thin hair.

Right, coming up to the first corner and he's coming in very hot.

I had a go in this Lambo earlier,

found a surprising amount of understeer.

Stig seems to have it all under control at the moment though.

Oh, good, no music again this week,

because, as Richard said, the lightweight SV has no stereo

but why would you want one with that V12 concerto behind you?

Hammerhead. This is where understeer should rear its head.

Look, at that, Stig neutralising it with 661 horses of fury!

Brilliant driving!

And the third thing, obviously,

is a love of caravan holidays in the Dordogne.

OK, there he is through the Follow Through.

Stig says this car can be flighty

so that's probably why he's lifted off through the tyres.

That is incredible. OK, just two corners left.

You can see Stiggy's little, possibly German paws working hard there.

Spit of flame on the overrun,

this car really is Widow Twankey with a wing.

APPLAUSE

Great lap but where does it go?

Hammond, you have the time. I have the time.

OK. Here we go.

It did it in...

1.19 dead!

It has graduated up from supercar to hypercar.

It's as fast as an Enzo! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's moved up.

That's...

JEREMY CLEARS HIS THROAT Mind you...

Zonda F.

Yes, well, I guess we've got to let the board decide.

It doesn't lie, the F's faster.

So that's the one you'd choose still?

Yes! OK, now...

it is time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.

My guest tonight, he's just done everything really.

He's the voice of the Harry Potter audiotapes, Blackadder,

he's recently driven a taxi all the way around America.

Started out in life, his career, with a "Laurie" so, in fact,

the only thing we can be sure he hasn't done,

is murder a prostitute.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Fry!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for coming back, have a seat.

Hello, everybody. Hello.

Wow.

Where's the rest of you? Oh, gosh, well...

I've never seen anything like it. Oh, you are kind.

What you're really saying is

you've never seen anything like itbefore when I was so grotesquely fat.

You were a sizeable chap and now you are a rake.

Oh, thank you.

How much have you lost?

Nearly six stone.

Yeah, gasp. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

How?

I started by walking a lot just every morning.

LAUGHTER No, you're pulling that face,

but walking is made magnificent by audio books.

Just list all the books that you'venever read that you wanted to read.

For example, I've just had Tim Robbins in my ear

reading The Great Gatsby.

It is about the supreme experience you can have.

And you eat up the miles. Do you do your books in audio-book form?

I have no idea. You would know, you'd remember.

I've never read them out.

Right. I mean you are the mo...

I wonder if there is a single household in Britain

that doesn't go to sleep at night

without the sound of you wafting out of the children's bedrooms.

Is it just me or is it every child goes...?

I had a man shout at me,

"My children go to bed with you."

LAUGHTER

It staggers me, you've managed to lose all this weight

even though recently you spent how many months in America?

Oh, yes - about eight or nine months- all told.

You did a lot of driving, the whole- thing in your London taxi. Yeah.

Nobody loses weight in America.

You're right and that's what brought me to it.

I finished the American thing last year

and by about a month or twoafterwards I was at my full 21 stone.

It's life on the road, the freeways

and those truck stops and places just...

You visited Detroit in your...

I did. I actually went to the General Motors Headquarters

and was taken round in a brand-new Cadillac by the designer.

This was only about six months before

General Motors was basically bankrupt.

Yeah. And he said, "We're still the biggest automobile company in the world."

He said, "All my life has led up to this, I've designed my own Cadillac."

He grew up in a family who... His father worked in Ford.

And when he went to college to do automotive design

and he told his father he'd got a job,

his father said, "That's great, son." He said, "..At GM."

And his father didn't talk to him for two weeks.

If he'd tried that in Australia! Oh, yes!

In Australia they have pitched battles between fans of...

Can you imagine here someone with a Vectra beating a Mondeo owner to death

with a bat? LAUGHTER

They're like that over there.

Yeah.

I've got to move on to this.

Because you are a big fan of Twitter.

Yes.

I was reading it the other day

when you said you'd got from Norwich to London

in a time that was impossible if you hadn't driven in bus lanes.

Yes, all right. I didn't say that.

I didn't say it was impossible if I hadn't driven in bus lanes,

others said, "You must have used bus lanes."

It is illegal for me to drive in bus lanes.

Even though you drive a taxi?

I do drive a London taxi.

Do you think, "I'm not going to go in that bus lane"?

LAUGHTER

I...sometimes...

You read that thing, it says from seven till something.

"Oh, well, that must be now."

LAUGHTER My favourite as you drive down here,

you'll see it on your way home,

in Guildford it said there's a bus lane.

And it says, "Buses and good vehicles only".

It says "goods" but in my mind, I just think,

"This a Mercedes. It's a good car."

I can be at the track hours faster than everybody else.

It's like ones that say, "access only".

I want access through this!LAUGHTER

Going back to Twitter, I'm fascinated

you find the time to do that. Everything you do

you tell, half a million people are now following you.

Yes, it's become rather a large number.

When it started it was a few thousand and it's grown and grown

and now everybody knows about it.

I don't Twitter, obviously,

but the thing we do share is a love

of a specific type of mobile telephone.

Yes, we stroke it, we love it, it has applications that are astonishing.

OK, this application business -

I've only recently been introduced to it.

You told me about the one

where you can play it as a reco... Have you got that?

Yeah, oh yes, it's the...

Ocarina's the one where you actually blow on it.

And what's that other one?

This one might not be quite so upyour strata but it's called Grindr.

And this... AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS

Hello!

LAUGHTER

Over there.

Who here knows what Grindr is, hands up.

No-one's going to now. Who made that noise?

Somebody must be next to the man that went "Huh-uh-uh!"

It's...

What is Grindr?

It's basically a gay-cruising application.

LAUGHTER

When you load it...

Get this, when you load it,

up appear all kinds of faces and pictures

and what's so amusing is, you press them and it goes like,

"Hi, I'm Mike, hello..."

and it tells you how close they are.- It says he's 20 yards away.

No! Yeah! You can find the nearest,- cruising homosexual with that.

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

Is there one...? Come on!

Let's have a look.

Who here...? Come on, Stephen, there must be one in here.

I have to turn it on.

Talk amongst yourselves for a moment.

Anybody who's got Grindr turn it on.

Let's see if anybody's got it.

Just making sure mine isn't on. LAUGHTER

I've got to get one of these. Imagine in traffic jams?

LAUGHTER

Here we are. Here's some...

These are all homosexuals then? Yes.

LAUGHTER

You see... He's nine miles away, I'm afraid.

Where is he nine miles away?

We can drive there, I've got my Merc, we can get there in a jiffy!

There's no-one near enough. There's nobody in this room?!

Some of them show rude parts which you won't want to see.

Bloody hell! JEREMY LAUGHS

Now...

It's a car show, I knew there was something.

And of course you came down here to do a lap.

Did you do it in your taxi?

No, I drove in the reasonably-priced car.

Am I allowed to reveal the truth? It's rather embarrassing,

I drove in two reasonably-priced cars because the first one,

I won't say I totalled it but...LAUGHTER

I...I gave it a few bangs and it started dripping oil

and we obviously thought that was not safe to have.

Would anybody here like to see any of these bangs?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Let's play this tape and see how you did in the sort of run-up.

Let's have a look.

It's the second-to-last corner. Yes! Oh, that's a high speed.

Nice work(!) LAUGHTER

Here's the second attempt...

Held it...not held it.

Yes, G-force is there.

OK, there's a third attempt.

Oh, BLEEP! LAUGHTER

Well done, Stephen, brilliant! APPLAUSE

That's courage!

Every time, I said to myself, "Smoothly."

What happens when I'm behind the wheel?

"Argh!" It's just... And so I lost goodness knows how many seconds.

I am so angry with myself but I had a great time.

Who here would like to see Stephen's real lap?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Good, let's have a look.

That's a smoking start.

This is going to be smooth.

It might not be fast but let's make it smooth, Stephen, smooth.

That's very good. Let's have a look...that's a smooth line.

Perfect. That's the line The Stig teaches.

With his... That's fantastic!

Quite smooth, maybe too smooth.

LAUGHTER

A big dip there, that was heavy on the brakes.

Possibly could have been heavier still, actually,

because that's a bit of understeer.

My word! It's hot too and I can't even claim it's wet

except around my face! Ah!

Hammerhead, this is the one that sorts out the men from the Grindrs.

LAUGHTER

That is bang-on, Stephen.

Ah, you bitch. Oh, come on! LAUGHTER

Here we go.

That's quick, that's very good.

Ah!

You're having a crisis! LAUGHTER

Here we go into the... Did he get it right this time?

That is bang-on, cutting the corner nicely.

Coming up to Gambon and...

Yep, that just about kissed the apex and there we are, across the line!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Dear me!

That was smooth.

Oh, well, it was smooth.

So...

I'll give you the one. Oh, that's good.

That means that you've beaten Jimmy- Carr, you've beaten Brian Cox.

Who else do you think you beat?

It would be nice to beat Michael Gambon,

because that would put me between him and Jools.

If I beat 1.50 it would be something- but I doubt I did.

The problem is you were beautifully smooth

but smoothness needs to be teamed with speed.

Oh, no... And as a result,

you had a very smooth but quite steady 1 minute 51 dead.

Oh, no!APPLAUSE

Oh!

Well...

I could give you a "hot".

Give me a "hot". I wanted a "hot".

I could give you a hot, it was a hot day and, of course,

we on Top Gear are responsible for it.

Is that Alan Davies? Alan...

1.50.3, is that Alan D there? Alan Davies. I'll never hear the end of that.

Do you know what? I could be guaranteed that Alan doesn't watch Top Gear.

So, if you just go back and say, "I did 1.47..."

LAUGHTER He'll never know.

Ladies and gentleman, Stephen Fry!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Excellent.

Now...

Earlier on we bought, insured and customised three cars

that we feel are ideal for 17-year-olds and their parents and the insurance companies.

Yeah, I had a bit of a problem in the first challenge

when I sort-of ripped the body kit off the back on my Hyundai.

Yep. Jeremy broke the back window of his Volvo with an anarchy flag.

It's a bit of a long story. Yeah.

Anyway, coming up now is the most realistic challenge ever attempted on British television.

It's something we've all done.

We were told to turn up at our parents' house

and get up the drive at three o'clock in the morning...

three hours after we'd said we'd be in, without waking them up.

The winner would be the one who could do it the most quietly.

OWL HOOTS

'At three o'clock the next morning,

'the man with the decibelometer was in place.

'And I was first to go.'

Oh, God. Ugh!

'Despite the odd squeak from me, things were going well.'

Ugh!

WHISPERS: Yeah, this is a professional job.

What I'm doing is reversing the car in

so that it hides the back and my mother won't see what I've done.

Find out the noise.

50.4 decibels, that's like custard rustling, absolutely soundless.

'Then it was Jeremy's go with the big, heavy Volvo.'

SHOUTING: Oh, for God's sake!

Yeah, that would be him.

Come on. Come on!

Ugh! Oh, God!

'Mercifully the drive finally levelled out.'

Come on, you stupid lump of Swedish lead.

Oh, my God!

SMASHING GLASS

THEY LAUGH

I might get in trouble.

Don't make too much noise, you'll wake them up, mate.

Oh, my God!

It's the anarchy flag.

That's what did it! That's what did it.

Say it was stolen by anarchists

and they buried it in the summer house. Job done!

'Jeremy decided it would be quieter- to drive out of the wreckage.'

SMASHING GLASS

Oh, no, no, no!

Shhh!

There's no damage!

Well, I think that's maybe pushing it a bit.

This...

and there's quite a lot of damage there.

An awful lot.

'Hammond had possibly pipped me on this one.'

What was yours? 50.4.

50.4?

66.1!

My Mum and Dad, they didn't wake up.

It's a good job they're heroin addicts.

'Then it was my turn.'

I can do it on the engine cos the engine's quiet.

The interesting thing is what James

would have been out doing till late as a teenager.

How long does choir practice go on?

I can't actually see where the drive goes.

JEREMY CLEARS HIS THROAT What?

Is that the controller...?! RICHARD LAUGHS

Ready, steady and...

LOUD TECHNO MUSIC For God's sake! No!

You're so unfunny.

God above!

'James had lost this challenge...

'quite badly.' JEREMY AND RICHARD LAUGH

Shall we go in and go to bed?

Hold it! Hold it!

Right, wait.

Can you smell smoke on my fingers? THEY LAUGH

The following morning, we were told- to report to our test track for the- next challenge.

Oddly though, the man in the white coat was nowhere to be seen.

What was the actual colour of your car?

Red, it actually...

No, no! Amber gold.

Oh... Amber gold. Can you remember the exact colour of yours?

Sunrise yellow.

Lads!

This man's destroying your Volvo. Are you going to sort him out?

'The psychopath with the forklift then did the same to my Golf

'and Hammond's Hyundai.'

Ah!

Mind the body kit!

This does feel like a terrible...

Well, hopefully... This had better be good.

Ha-ha, "As you are 17, it is certain that at some point in the near future,

"you will roll your car.

"So, you must now mend it in such a way

"that your parents won't be able to spot the damage.

"This is to find out how easy they are to repair."

Right, well we'd better get these... Let's get them indoors... Yeah.

..and break out the hammers.

'Richard, however, decided he didn't need a hammer.'

And straightaway, I've improved it.

God, a horse of a...ah!

Ah! Argh!

You don't need hammers and shouting.

See this bit here, small scuff,

watch that disappear thanks to the magic of polish.

'With the roof done, I now have to sort the bonnet.'

Here's a tip. Should you ever roll,- your coupe, stylish,

and need to straighten a dent, here's what you do.

That's not...ugh!

'Jeremy, meanwhile, was cheating.'

One thing I've learned is that all firemen have at some point crashed their cars when they were teenagers.

So, I've borrowed a fireman. Did you ever crash a car?

I certainly did.

You were 17? RS Turbo, straight through a fence.

So you understand the plight of the 17-year-old who's stuffed his Mum's car.

Feeling the pain.

So, do you think you could use some fireman equipment to make that like new?

That's not what they're for.

There were no fires in Surrey -

it's too middle class.

Spray it the same colour as the car.

'After just two hours of hard work...'

It's very important to turn the cloth frequently.

'..we had made no difference whatsoever.'

KNOCKING That's plastic.

I had to do plastic too because

the fireman's lift has changed the shape of the windscreen hole.

'Then another challenge arrived.'

Let's have a look.

OK.

"You will now race against the clock to see which car is the fastest.

"You have to go down the main straight,

"round the Hammerhead, do a handbrake turn

"and come back the other way."

That doesn't sound very hard.

Oh, hang on, no, it says, "The track has been littered with obstacles

"and you'll have five seconds added to your time for every object you don't hit."

Don't hit? Well, that's what it says.

'It was right.

'The track was littered with all the flotsam

'that teenagers like to crash into.

'And then, at the finish line, there was a gap between two parked cars

'that everyone, except a 17-year-old, can see isn't wide enough.

'We also discovered that our handbrake turns

'would be judged by three teenage girls.'

That actually makes sense because as men,

we know that nothing turns a 17-year-old girl on more

than a good handbrake turn. God, yeah, fact.

It's like a peacock has its plumage, those birds in the jungle,

they attract a mate with dancing about. We have the handbrake.

That's what it's for.

I have no feathers... But I can do this!

Interestingly, girls will always say, "No, we're not interested."

Oh, they never show it!

They never have ever shown it.

They're suppressing it very well. Very effectively.

'Armed with this new information about women,

'James decided to get some practice...'

TYRES SCREECH

'..while we talked to the girls.'

I've got a motorbike.

That's nice. Yeah.

Have you seen him? He's rubbish.

I did one yesterday at Glastonbury and it was brilliant.

And...

Urgh!

That's him being rubbish.

I did a huge one.

He just can't do it, he can't do it

and he's got no penis cos it came off once.

'With James cleared off the track, I lined up for the off.'

Oh, that was a blinding start!

What do you reckon his approach is going to be?

Mmm... Fast. Violent.

Oh, gotta hit this.

Missed!

Oh, that's the bus shelter, the bus shelter's good.

This is like any 17-year-old coming home from work.

He's got to the flower stall.

My God! That's substantial. Yee-ha!

That was strangely satisfying.

Roadworks.

That's good. Wheelie bins.

Fantastic!

'Sadly the handbrake turn was a disaster.'

There's nothing I can do about the washer bottle,

that is a consequence of the accident.

Oh! That was still there!

Holy cow, through we go!

Yes!

'James was next.'

Yes, yes, do it!

LOUD TECHNO MUSIC Oh, for God's sake.

No!

He's missed the car.

Oh, neat!

'Down the back straight it was hard to see

'why he'd bothered with a helmet.'

MUSIC: "Morning" by Grieg

UPPER-CLASS ACCENT: Mum, I've been to the Post Office.

'But then as he approached the girls, all became clear.'

They're hot for James May right now!

I might as well have cut my penis off for all the good that did.

Good idea! Quick!

I know what you're thinking, I want to do it too.

There you go.

WHISTLING Perfect.

Yeah!

Oh!

That's not gone quite as well.

'So now it was all down to me.'

So they've both missed the car, the first obstacle. I won't.

Go!

Yeah, you see! Oh, yeah!

35 seconds before he moved more than a yard.

It's round the Hammerhead the normal way.

Oh, what a pillock.

You all right?

Dead.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway...uh...

Back to the studio.

That's my line!

APPLAUSE

Luckily, children, I got better.

You might not be so lucky.

Yes, it's like my penis. That grew back.

Yours might not.

Anyway...

Let's have a look how we all did.

No real surprises in the scoring until we get to the repair section

where I got 2, Hammond got 4,

James, you got -100.

LAUGHTER Is that a minus?!

It's a minus. Oh, come on!

What did you expect? You failed to address

the ruined bonnet, the crumpled roof,

door mirror missing, all these dents.

All you did was concentrate all your time on one scratch

and it's still here! Look! LAUGHTER

I ran out of time!

You proved what I've said all along, polish doesn't work.

It can't get rid of anything.

When do you ever see the NHS go, "Oh, that's a nasty head wound,

"We'll get some T-Cut on it." It doesn't get rid of anything!

You ended up with a really clean scratch.

Exactly!

Let's move on. We've got the lap of crashes.

Jeremy, you got 121.

I got 103.

Hammond, you got -174.

Oh, what? So conveniently I just happen to get minus the number of points I have?

Yes. Right. LAUGHTER

There's no other words, you're on nought.

OK, but now, now is the big one -

the handbrake turn.

Our teenage judges said they were prepared to award up to 5 points for a really good one.

5 points? That means I can't possibly win.

SQUEAKING No. What's your car doing?

Can I just say, it can't stop that happening.

LAUGHTER What happened was...

You see the thing is, this got clobbered here,

the headlight washer and it's blown- the fuse and that just is constant,

it's been going on since we filmed it in March.

Jeremy Clarkson, it is now between you and me. Yes, it is.

Like last week, like the train So your handbrake turn... Yes.

..what did it get?

The girls awarded me...

LAUGHTER

..nothing!

No poi... Why do you do that?

Why can't you admit that you are turned on by handbrake turns?

Just give in to it! Just go with it!

You know this as a man.

There's nothing else going for you.- No, come on!

That is what does it.

You think we're immature when we do them. Yeah.

But you don't! Secretly... We do!

You have a crisis.

LAUGHTER

I bet you when cars... I'm sorry.

Can somebody... Can you just...?

This is consumer advice as well. Shut up!

This is also consumer advice... The door handle's come off!

Can you go in there and make that noise please stop?

Can you open the door?

Just tu... Can you turn the key?

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, now that's...

Come on, you're turned on now!

LAUGHTER

Anyway, I got nought? Yes.

And that means you are now 3 points behind me.

So if you got 4,

the girls gave you 4...

They did, didn't they? They did. What did they give you?

Nothing.

Yes! I am victorious! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fairly beaten.

Hold on! No, no, no.

Think about it. Think what you're applauding,

because what we're saying then is

that the best, THE BEST car for a 17-year-old is a beige Volvo estate with a broken back window.

Yep, that's what my children are getting.

Anyway, that is the end, you'll be relieved to hear

of the consumer advice for this week.

No, no it's not because there is some more.

Earlier on in the show, before I was...killed,

I was in Abu Dhabi testing the new Lamborghini Murcielago

and, in fact, I'm still there because now it's time for the moment

petrolheads all over the world have been waiting for -

the first-ever showdown between the- two fastest road cars of all time.

This car, you're familiar with.

The Bugatti Veyron, the Concorde of the road.

The meeting point for the most amazing collection of numbers.

One million pounds,

one thousand horsepower

and a top speed of 252 miles an hour.

But spin the clock back 15 years and in the 1990s,

this was the ultimate road car -

the McLaren F1.

Like the Bugatti, the McLaren is an orgy of mind-bending numbers.

It was the fastest with a top speed- of 240 miles an hour.

It was the most expensive, costing half a million pounds in 1993

and like the Bugatti,

the McLaren was built utterly without compromise.

The engine bay was lined with gold

because gold is the best heat reflector.

An entirely new and unique gearbox had to be developed

because no existing gearbox could survive the torque

from the 6.1-litre BMW engine.

It was the first carbon-fibre-bodied car.

And although these cars have so much in common,

the McLaren and the Veyron are actually poles apart.

Whereas the Veyron is loaded with technology,

the McLaren gets...nothing.

No traction control, no ABS.

It's gizmo cupboard is completely bare.

The F1's creator wanted his machine to be

just the greatest, the purest driving machine

in the same way that Bugatti's creator wanted it to be the most amazing technical achievement.

And that shines through in the way they feel.

Changing gear, it's like sliding a bolt action forward on a rifle,

that well-oiled, mechanical, metallic feel.

And you sit slap-bang in the middle- for that racing-driver sensation.

Oh, dear lord!

HE LAUGHS

OK. What I shall do now is climb out of the McLaren F1

and get in to the Bugatti Veyron.

Not a bad day this one so far!

Right, to business.

Because for the first time ever,

these titans will now go head to head in a one-mile drag race.

I shall be in the Veyron.

And in the McLaren, a man who has no idea

that he's about to make history.

He is quite excited though, he saw his first camel today.

Actually, I'm quite glad it's him in that car

because today that McLaren is worth two million quid.

If we do come together though, he does know the drill -

run and meet at the border.

Nearly ready. On paper, the Bugatti's got over a thousand horsepower,

370 more than the McLaren but the McLaren weighs less.

So it's got more power to weight. Nought to sixty the Bugatti should...

I don't know, this is the real world.

We'll have to see what happens.

'Three

'two,

'one,

'go!'

Yes, this it!

Forward into history.

What? How is that happening?

How is that happening?

The old pretender is still there, it won't give up its crown!

We're now doing 240 kilometres an hour.

Come on, Bugatti!

I'm reeling him in.

1000 horsepower, there's no way past that.

I'm gonna take it, yes!

HE LAUGHS

300 kilometres an hour.

320 kilometres an hour!

Yes!

320 and I have clearly taken it!

The Bugatti takes the prize.

APPLAUSE

Honestly, what's in that? Hairs.

Hairs on the back of the neck.

Straight road.

And of course what we've proved there is that the Bugatti Veyron,

which we know to be the fastest car- in the world,

is faster than another kind of car.

LAUGHTER Yes!

Yeah, you don't get that kind of information everywhere!

And so, on that bombshell, it's time to end.

See're next week! Thanks for watching! Take care. Goodnight.