Top Gear (2002–…): Season 13, Episode 1 - Race To The North - Ferrari FXX Lap Time - The Stig Revealed - full transcript

The boys are having an epic race against each other from London to Edinburgh as they find out what Top Gear would look like 60 years ago. James takes the beautiful Jaguar XK120 sports car, ...

OpenSubtitles recommends using Nord VPN
from 3.49 USD/month ----> osdb.link/vpn

CLARKSON: Tonight, Richard
tries to start a motorbike,

James fills his car
with petrol,

and I get
a British Rail suntan.

We're back! We're back!

We are back. Thank you.

Thank you.
It's lovely to be here.

Your applause is very kind
but, I fear, a bit premature

because since we were
last here, the whole world
has gone wrong.

Uh, and in order to reflect
that doom and despondency,

we obviously had to make
some changes in this series.



So coming up now,
what we have is a taster
of what you can expect,

some of the down-to-earth
real-world stuff,
over the next seven weeks.

Get out of my way, Frenchists!

How is that happening?

-They're hot
for James May right now.

CLARKSON OVER LOUDSPEAKER:
What do we want?

MAY AND HAMMOND: Aston Martin!

Dear God!

Do you actually
do anything to your hair?

Well, I wash it.

They're turning my car
into a colander.

What a pillock.

Sand!

I mended something!



Yeah, we messed that up, yeah.

Yeah, okay, we got...
We got that a bit wrong,

'cause basically we drew up
a list of all the things

we're not supposed to do

and then we just did
that list of things.

Yeah, but why not? We don't
do doom and gloom,
we do fun and games.

Yes, that's exactly right.

So let's get on with this
letter which we have received.

It says, "Dear Top Gear,
what would your programme
have been like

"if you were making it
60 years ago?"

Simple. Exactly the same.

You join us
in 1949 for a race.

It's between the fastest
car in the world,
the Jaguar XK120,

the fastest bike in the world,
the Vincent Black Shadow,

and this.

This Peppercorn A1
Pacific Class steam locomotive

is not the fastest train
in the world.

But because it was completed
only three years ago, weirdly,

it is the most modern train
working in Britain today.

So, the race.

We would start
at King's Cross in London

and finish 400 miles away

at the bar of the
Balmoral Hotel in Edinburgh.

The train would go on LNER's
East Coast line,

while the car and the bike
would go up
the Great North Road,

because it's 1949
and motorways haven't
been invented yet.

So, all we had to do now
was decide who'd go in what.

Is this one
of your special hats?

-MAY: No.
-Do you wear just this hat
and nothing else sometimes?

-Just pick a piece of paper.

-Come on, Hammond,
you go first.
-Okay.

-MAY: That's the label.
-Oh, God.

-Arseholes.

-CLARKSON: That. And?
-Uh...

I've got...

I've got the bike!

There is a God.
There is a God!

That wouldn't really
have worked.

No, it wouldn't. Ready? May I?

Aw.

What do you mean, "Aw?"
I'm on the train.

I wanted to go on the train.

HAMMOND: I certainly didn't
want to go on the train,

because the Black Shadow
was my boyhood dream bike.

I mean, as any biker
will tell you,
this thing is an icon.

Just as all heavy-metal
can trace its roots
back to Led Zeppelin,

all modern superbikes
can trace their roots
back to this.

This is Genesis.

It really is that important.
It's going to be
an honour to ride it.

If I'm honest, I'm absolutely
chuffed to bits to be going
in the car.

Especially an XK120,

because this is the car
that made Jaguar.

When it was launched, it was
the fastest car in the world.

It did 126, don't you know?

And yet,
it was incredibly good value
because it was £1,200,

which in today's money,
is about 35 grand.

So you got a Bugatti Veyron

for the price of
a middling 5 Series.

It's magnificent.

CLARKSON: As the others
drooled, I was in for a shock.

-Hi, there, how are you?
Hello. Hi, there, how are you.
-Nice to see you.

So, is that where
I'm driving it?

Unfortunately, no.

You're the other side.
You've got the fire.

-What, I'm shovelling
the coal?

CLARKSON: I'd be shovelling
a lot of coal.

Eight tons of it.

But even so, at exactly 7:23
and a bit, the race began.

Go!

I've got to get changed!
I'll do that now.

Jesus!

Absolute piece of cake.

Obviously, Hammond has
to go and put his leather
romper suit on.

I've had to turn a key
and press a button
and I'm off.

What a great idea the car was.

What's the top speed of an A1?

-75.
-Is that all?

We're limited to 75.

So why don't we do 100?
They'll never know.

-Are there speed cameras?
-Yes.

HAMMOND: Finally,
I was in my leathers
and ready to go.

However, starting a Vincent
is quite tricky if you're
a bit, um, small.

-Listen to that.
It's a straight six.

Beautifully balanced.

This engine in one form
or another remained
in production

until the mid '80s,
that's how good it was.

All Vincent Black Shadows
came with a bloke

in a black leather jacket
to start it,

rather than just
press a button,
which is so ordinary.

There's no sense of occasion.

CLARKSON: At race speed,
the train needed
33 pounds of coal every mile.

Feeding it was a massive job.

Oh, no way! I'm rubbish,
I'm worse than rubbish!

The fact is,
that Jeremy Clarkson,
on this journey is a stoker.

And I should think
he'll be dead
by the end of the platform.

CLARKSON: It's so hot!

So noisy!

If you want to know
what it's like in here,

get under your stairs at home

during an earthquake
and spend eight hours

looking at your
central heating system.

Come on, coming through.
Black Shadow coming through...

At last, I was on the move.

When this thing was born...

-Oh... No!

Oh... Oh, God.

A temporary glitch.

CLARKSON: I, meanwhile,
was praying
for a breakdown.

But this was unlikely.

The A1s in the 1940s,

could do 250 miles a day,
every day.

They can do 150,000 miles

between services.

They were
phenomenally reliable.

That's just enough steam

to get us about
another five miles.

Oh, you !

Yeah, yeah, thank you!

At last, again,
I was on the move.

Okay, a few things
to get used to.

The gear lever
is on the other side
of the bike.

So at the moment,
every time I want to brake,
I'm changing gear instead

and if I want to change gear,
I'm braking.

It's not ideal.

The brakes are the originals
and surprisingly good.

The only trouble is
they're full of asbestos.

Already, viewers,
I'm at the beginning
of the A1.

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Everything's lovely
in Jagworld.

CLARKSON: The train, however,
was doing even better.

-Where are we?
-Just gone through
Potters Bar, so the M25.

We've been underway
13 minutes and already
we're at where the M25

would be if it had been built,
which it hasn't.

Though the train had opened up
a big lead,

it would need to stop
four times on the journey
for water.

That would take time.

MAY: Steam engines, they're...
They're beautiful things.

They're romantic,
the technology is fascinating,

but they were already

20, 30 years
out of date by 1949.

It's all doomed.

The car is the future.
People can see it already.

-We've got a problem.
-What?

We've got a problem!

-With what?
-We have a problem.

We've got a steam
leak somewhere,
we don't know where.

A leak?

MAY: If the car
had any problems,
they weren't from 1949.

They were from 2009.

Temporary 40 mph
speed limit enforced
by average speed cameras.

No, I'm working!

HAMMOND: Finally, on the A1,
the Vincent was unleashed
and hunting down the Jag.

I am now straddling
my boyhood hero.

No, no, wait.
That's not right. No.

Between my legs... No.

No, my point is,
think what this was like
50 years ago!

There was everybody else,
tooling around
in Austins and Fords

and God knows what other
dreary nonsense,

and you come haring along
on a 125 mph superbike.

This was so far
beyond anything else.

In fact, the Black Shadow
remained the fastest
production bike

in the world until 1973.

CLARKSON: To fix our
steam leak, we needed
to get to our water stop

in Grantham ahead of schedule.

We had to fly
and that wasn't
gonna be easy.

You're now climbing
to 25 miles.

What? Climbing?

Yeah, it's uphill
for the next 25 miles.

CLARKSON: Keeping this thing
at top speed
while going uphill

meant the shovelling
would be torture.

HAMMOND: Black Shadow
coming through.

Traffic jams. Bad for the Jag,
great for the bike.

Where are you, May?

My legs are like jelly!

Eight hours of shovelling
and plumbing.

And if the shovelling
didn't get me,

the back draft of soot
in the tunnels would.

Oh.

Seat's nice, smells nice,
view's nice, noise is nice.

Morning, moderners.

Meanwhile, far behind...

HAMMOND: This is what
the Black Shadow
was built to deal with.

Continual heavy drizzle.

Yeah, this... It's...
I'm fine. I'm fine.

I love the bike,
it's still my hero.

Steve McQueen had one,
you know.

CLARKSON: On the train,
my furious shovelling up
the hill had produced results.

Here's the deal.
We're due into
Grantham at 9:07.

It's actually 9:00
on the dot.

We've got to be
out of this station
by 9:20.

So we've got 17 minutes
to refill it with water.

4,000 gallons?

-We need 4,000 gallons.
-4,000 gallons.

-And fix that pipe.
-MAN: Yes.

CLARKSON: And, of course,
while we were stationary,

the others would
be catching up.

Come on. We're the
world's fastest car.

Peasant!

I still ride bikes
because it's a bit naughty.

And this,
the Vincent Black Shadow,

well, come on,
it's the naughtiest
of them all.

It is just
a comic book character.

Raif Montague-Smythe
had a deadly secret,

for he was the Black Shadow.

That's funny.

As the water flooded in,

I took some time to inspect
this incredible machine,

which has been made because

no one ever thought
to preserve one of
the original Peppercorns.

Then one day someone
found the original designs

in a skip in York.

Three million pounds
was raised
and this is the result.

It took them 19 years
to build it.

19 years.

And every single piece
had to be made by hand.

I mean, look at this beautiful

RSJ.

You know, if somebody rang me
up and said, "Can you make
a spring that goes in there?"

That's exactly the same
as the one that was fitted
in the 40s, by hand

and for next to nothing.

It's an exquisite thing.

And another six hours running.

I tell you what,
I'm gonna be fitter
when I get there.

I'm sure you will be.

Fitter than
I've ever been in my life.

Or you'll be dead.

Well, if I do, listen,
fling me on the fire.

Use me as fuel
to beat Hammond and May.

With the water loaded
and the leak fixed,
I rang James.

May, how you doing?

I'm about 30 miles
from Grantham.

30 miles south of Grantham?

James, you're not even
in the same century.

You are history, May.
You are history.

You're in the lead
but not for long, mate.

Trouble is,
I'd have to stop for fuel,
only I didn't know when.

Now, this is worrying.

The owner of this car
has told me

that when the petrol gauge
reads a quarter full,

it's actually empty
and it's gonna stop.

And I've suddenly
noticed that it's taken
a bit of a dive

and it's about that much
above quarter.

At the next service station,
I chickened out and pulled in.

That's already up to £13,
10 shillings and sixpence.

In 1949,
you'd have been able
to buy a house for that.

Inflation wasn't my
biggest problem, though.

I do believe
I'm now in the lead.

Because the Jag drinks fuel.

MAY: That was a disaster.

Come on, come on, come on.

HAMMOND: The game of leapfrog
between the car and the bike
was now on.

But could either of us
bring down the mighty Tornado?

CLARKSON:
250 miles to Edinburgh.

We just saw a sign. 250.

We've got this one in the bag.

Like I said.

Exactly the same.

1949, exactly the same.

-Same old, same old.
-Yeah.

And we shall
pick that up later on,

but now it is time
to do the news.

Yeah. Now, as we know,
to try and shore up
the car industry,

the Government recently
announced that if you scrap
your old Singer Gazelle,

you get £2,000
off the price of a new car.

Why is it just cars?

What are you suggesting?

"Dear, the Government,

"I've just found
some rancid bacon
in the back of my fridge.

"Can I have a big
pile of money to buy
a shiny new lobster?"

What about...
Would it work for dogs?

'Cause when your dog's
getting a bit old and
incontinent and you have to...

Well, Peter Mandelson's
going to come round
and put your dog to sleep?

He's not going
to put it to sleep,
he's going to kill it.

Technically, yeah,
that's what it... Yeah.

Are any vets here?

'Cause, you know...
You are a vet?

GIRL: No, a vet student.

A vet student?

Well, be careful because
I found out the other day,

vets have one
of the highest suicide
rates in the world.

And I know why. It's because,
when you have children
who love animals,

they always say,
"I want to be a vet
when I grow older."

-Okay?
-Yeah.

And then they discover
when they become a vet

all they do is drive around
the countryside all day long,

executing puppies.

That's all you'll do.

So, in fact,
according to that theory,

the only people who should
be allowed to be vets
are children who hate animals.

-Yes.

Do you like animals?
You're going to spend
your life just...

-HAMMOND: Yeah.

"Here, little girl.
Is this your puppy?"

There it is.

Have you chosen
your weapon yet?
What are you going to use?

I'd have two in holsters.
Yeah!

Or a croquet mallet
for somebody's
tortoise that's not well.

Sorry.
We're going to put her off.

You work hard
and become a vet.

-Just don't kill yourself.
-Go for the...

I thought vets had the highest
suicide rate in the world

because they're
the only people who're still
allowed to have pistols.

What's pistols
got to do with it?

-Well, 'cause it's easier.
-Than what?

Well, I've only got a shotgun
and it's quite long.

You know, you've got
to get your toe in it.

If you had a pistol,
you'd have shot
yourself by now?

Oh, years ago.

Vet!

I'm sorry but we have
gone off topic slightly.

Back to Top Gear.

-Can I talk about a car again?
-Yes, go, go, go.

News of a new Skoda.
Here it is.

-It's a version of the Fabia.
They've called it the Scout.
-CLARKSON: Wow.

So, presumably it comes with
a 10p piece, a bit of string
in the glove box

and pitches up
on your doorstep
once a year

to ask for a pound
to clean itself,
I imagine.

So, I suppose,
every summer it goes off

and, sort of, stays
in the countryside
somewhere

and is touched
inappropriately?

No, no, James. No, no, James.

That's the
Skoda Catholic Church.

Now, getting off topic
just for a moment.

I was driving down here
this morning and I couldn't
help noticing that my Mercedes

just said on the dashboard,
"Your service is due
in 26 days."

And I just thought,
how Germanic
and boring is that?

It's very precise.

I know and then
I was thinking, what's going
to happen on the 27th day

when, inevitably, I still
haven't had it serviced?

Cooler, three weeks.

-I think.

It's funny... It's funny
you should say this, actually,

because my little
Fiat's overdue for service.

And I was driving along
the other day
and all of a sudden

this little picture
of a spanner appeared
on the dashboard.

Well, that's what
it's calling you.
"You are a spanner."

-Oh, is that what it is?
-Yeah, yeah.

So, if I continue to ignore it
like I am doing, what...

It turns into a picture of
the end of a bell or what?

A map of Tasmania.

A big picture
of a male chicken.

Now, last of all...
Last of all, I just want to
mention this, okay?

Land Rover has launched
a mobile phone

which they say is as tough
as their vehicles, okay?

I've got a picture of it here.
There you go.

Now, what I want to know
is why is it all covered
in diarrhoea? Because...

HAMMOND: It is.
CLARKSON: Look at it.

That is unquestionably
excrement.

Maybe what they're trying
to say it's tough enough

to survive a trip through
your digestive system
and still be...

Oh, my God.

Look whose digestive system.

-Sir Ranulph Fiennes.
Can we get this on here?
-HAMMOND: Wow!

It's actually
Ranulph Fiennes' diarrhoea.

HAMMOND:
It's been through him.

What he's actually saying
as he holds it up there
is... "I was all bunged up

"until the phone came out,
and that was it,
it opened the floodgates."

Look at all this!

CLARKSON: You can see he's
just come back from Nepal.

He's in a lake of poo!

Oh, that explains
his pained expression.
Look at that.

-CLARKSON: Oh, dear.
-Do you think he passed
the Land Rover as well?

Oh, my giddy aunt, he did,
he ate his Land Rover.

Anyway, that is it.

Let's get the picture of
Ranulph Fiennes' excrement
off the screen

because I want to
move on, okay?

See, the thing is,
when you're eight,

everybody really
wants a supercar, okay?

But you can never
really afford one
until you are 58,

by which time your skeleton
is too old and too creaky
to get inside.

There has never been
a comfortable supercar.

Bit like a comfortable
guided missile.

Until now.

This is a new Lotus.

It's called the Evora.

And while that makes it sound
like a ladies dress shop
in Harrogate,

it presses all the right
supercar buttons.

The engine is in the middle.

It's low,

it's swoopy,

and it's as agile
as a water boatman
in a kettle.

Whoo-hoo!

What a car!

Even by supercar standards,
this is fantastic.

Properly, properly fantastic.

Right, I want to go
in that direction,

and now I want to go
in that direction.

Now I want to go there.

This is amazing.

Oh!

This is handling by telepathy.

I'm not steering now,
I'm simply using
the power of suggestion.

There we go.

Where this differs from
a normal supercar, though,

is what happens
when you crash.

Oh, no!

Oh!

This is not so bad.

This car is so comfortable,
that when you
crash off the road

and end up in a field
full of buttercups,

it doesn't really matter,
you barely notice.

If I were in a Ferrari now,
driving off-road,

my skeleton
would be disintegrating.

My torso, well, it would
just become a big bag of mush.

But in this, the suspension
is absorbing the knocks,
not me.

Where is the track?

It is genuinely extraordinary
that a car which is
soft enough to do this

is hard enough to do this.

It's unbelievably good.

It's the only car
I've ever driven, ever,
which is a killer attack dog

and an old sofa.

That makes it
perfect for the Saga-lout.

And there's more good news.

There are seats in the back
for your grandchildren.

Although they'll have to
adopt the lotus position
to get in there.

Here, we have a boot
which is big enough

for all your
cat food requirements,

even if your cat is a tiger
and I know what
you're thinking now.

You're thinking,
"Hang on a minute.

"If the seats are here
and the boot's here

"and the front is all full of
mechanical witchcraft,

"where have they
put the engine?"

Well, I'll tell you.

It's about here.

The average supercar has
a massive V1,000,000 engine

that takes up all the space.

But the ladies' dress shop
uses a small V6

from the car you used to have.

A Toyota Camry.

So it's not the most powerful
car in the world

and it's not, surprisingly,
the lightest.

Which means, of course,
it isn't the fastest either.

0 to 60 takes 5.1 seconds

and you'd need
an awfully long runway

to reach the top speed,
which apparently is 163.

Talk among yourselves.

That's 140
and it's time to brake.

They're good.
They're very good.

The thing is, though,
it's a good engine.

It sounds meaty
without being deafening.

It's torquey too,
and it's very economical.

You should get
30 miles to the gallon.

There are some drawbacks
though.

The interior may be
spacious and light,

but it appears to have been
put together by someone
who thinks a Porsche

is the bit that sticks out
from the front of your house.

Everything sounds and feels...

A bit tinny. And there's more.

All you can see
in the dials is a reflection
of whatever weather

happens to be prevailing
at the time.

The buttons appear
to be the result of some

primary school
painting competition

and the SatNav system
is so un-understandable,

I'd simply remove it
and use the space to store
my Werther's Originals.

As a result of this,

some say you're better off
spending your £50,000

on a Porsche Coxter instead.

Trust me on this one,
though, you aren't.

This is great!

Nothing like an Elise.
It's unbelievable.

Very, very good. But...

-What?
-50 grand.

-50,000?
-£50,000. It's a lot.

I admit, 50,000 is a lot,
okay,

for a car made by turnip
farmers out of melted
down toilet seats.

But if you compare that
to a Ferrari 430, and you can,

it's the bargain
of the century.

Yeah, but it's not
as fast as a 430, is it?

No, Ferrari 430 is here.
1.22.9, okay?

Now we put that
around earlier today
and it did a 1.25.7.

But look at that.
We'll ignore that...

-HAMMOND: Oh, that's awkward.
-The Exige was quicker.

But it's the same as a
five-litre Gallardo Spyder.

HAMMOND: Yeah, which is
a tremendous achievement.

But we're not
going to show you
that lap, because instead,

we've got something
much, much more expensive.

Yes, we have and here it is.

It's the Ferrari FXX.

It's a bit like an Enzo,
except it has 860 horsepower.

And even though
it costs £1 million,

none of the 30 people
who have bought one

have ever taken delivery.

No, seriously, okay,
you buy this car

and then Ferrari keep it
at the factory.

Yeah. I mean, they will
take it to a racetrack

so you can borrow your car
for the day,

but then they
take it away again.

Anyway, the point is, okay,
since it's here,

and since we believe
it could go very near to
the top of our leader board,

we thought that you
would prefer to see
this do a lap

in the hands
of our tame racing driver.

Some say that
he invented the curtain...

And that he recently submitted
£20,000 expenses claim

for some gravel...

For his moat.

All we know is,
he's called The Stig.

-CLARKSON: And he's off!

Lots of wheel-spin
off the line

but then this car
has a lot of power.

Almost as much, in fact,
as an F1 car.

First corner comes in fast,
as it needs to,

to keep the massive
wing-generated downforce.

Stig, working hard.

No music, thankfully, because
the FXX doesn't have a stereo.

Just look at the way
it glides round Chicago.

It's like Batman
on a track day.

Hammerhead, now.
How will it cope?

I'm guessing well.

Whoa! But look how
it reacted to that bump
on the way through.

I've never seen a car
do that before.

Is the Stig phased?
Hard to tell.

-But let's assume not.

Follow through and surely,
even with downforce,

the mighty power
of the 6.3 litre V12 means
he'll have to lift off.

I don't think he did!
I don't think he did!

So, just two corners left.

Here we go.

And look now,
look at the brake discs
glowing red hot.

This is like
a Formula One car,

but with a windscreen wiper.

Just Gambon left.

Here he comes.

Just flies through there,
and across the line.

So the Gumpert,

1.17.1.

Ready?

1.17.1 to beat.

The FXX did it...

-1.10.7!
-What?

HAMMOND: Blitzed it.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable!

-Staggering!
-Can we keep the doors closed?

Why's the door open?

Who's opening the door?

Who opened the door?

You can't...
You can't come in.
It's engaged.

CLARKSON: Is that The Stig?

HAMMOND:
Why would he come in here?

CLARKSON: The Stig has come
among us. I know what this is.

I know exactly what this is.

He was telling me
the other day he's been
fed up with newspapers,

and I suppose Internet geeks
as well, speculating

that he's a photocopier
salesman from Bolton

or that he lives
in a pebble-dashed house
in Bristol.

There's been a lot of that
going on as I'm sure you know.

So he said, "First programme
when we're back on air,

"I'm gonna come in
to the studio and I'm gonna
show everyone my head."

He said that?
You don't think he's...

You think he's actually...

-Who here wants to see that?
-Do you want to see that?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

CLARKSON:
They're not that bothered.

Who wants to see
The Stig's head?

So, ladies and gentlemen,

for the first time ever,
The Stig!

CLARKSON:
He's moving towards us.

And he's coming on the stage.

Here he comes!

Stand well back.

If you'd just like to take
a seat here, please.

-The Stig, everybody!

First of all,

massive congratulations
on that phenomenal
Ferrari lap.

We've never seen
anything like that.

I'm buying time here.

Because this obviously is a...

It's a big moment.
My heart's fluttering.

If you wanna do it,
on your head be it.

Remove your helmet.

He's changed his mind.
I knew he would.

Go on. Be brave.

Show the ladies
and gentlemen that
you're not a photocopier's...

AUDIENCE:
Off, off, off!

They wanna see.

It's coming.
Is it Susan Boyle?

Is it Susan Boyle?

-Oh, my God!

Stand up, stand up!

Look who it is!

The Daily Mail was wrong.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you've got a head,
and ears,

you've everything.

Now, have a seat,
'cause there's so much
I wanna ask.

Where do we start?

Honestly, where do we start?

First of all, did you really
once punch a horse
to the ground?

Well, I did think about it,

but I have a wife,
she loves horses.
And I ended up on the ground.

The Stig is married!

The Stig is married
to a horse lover.

We've established something.

Uh... Whatever can I ask?

Are you illegal
in 17 US states?

No, that's much,
much too exaggerated.

-It's only nine, if I...
-Nine.

He's illegal
in nine US states.

I just can't believe it.

Now, some people
have told us that you only
know two facts about ducks

and both of them are wrong.

Is that true?

Well, I mean, uh,
obviously they don't fly.

-But...
-Yay, they're right.

You don't know
anything about ducks.

I can't believe it.

And the other thing,
of course, I've got
to ask you.

Before you pulled
on the white suit,
before you were famous,

what's your real name?

Come on. Tell us.

What is it?

It's just too amazing
all this.

Well, you have to keep up,
uh...

You have to keep up
some secrets. I mean...

Come on, everyone, who is he?

-ALL: Michael Schumacher.
-He's Michael Schumacher!

And that's brilliant,
because...

We've got to ask something
about Formula One, I guess,
while you're here.

And the question I wanna
ask first of all is,

why is Lewis Hamilton
all of a sudden coming last?

He was winning
and now he isn't.

-Do you know the answer?
-Yeah, well, uh...

It is... It is very difficult,
occasionally, when the car
doesn't work out.

And it's very obvious.

Both of those silver cars
are not doing very well.

No, they don't work at all.

'Cause this brings me on
to an interesting point

about this year's
F1 world Championship.

Mainly, a big friend of yours,
obviously, Ross Brawn,

'cause when he was
at Benetton,

Benetton won.

Then he went to Ferrari,
Ferrari won.

And now he's got his own team
and Brawn are winning.

-Correct.
-So I don't want to be
impolite with this question,

-but was it the car?

Do you know what I mean?
It's just, when he was
running the team...

Oh, you're absolutely right.
You're absolutely right.
It is.

The secret in the end
of the day is what you do
with your guys together.

You're a team
and it's always teamwork.

And if you squeeze out
every little bit,

that's where you're sort of
proved better than the others.

Is it true you used to have
blood tests taken on yourself,

obviously not during the race,

that would be impossible
for a doctor to run alongside.

-But in the pit stops...
-Yeah, it's true, I mean...

We did before the race,
after the race,

in order to see
the development
through a weekend.

And then, adjust the food
and all of your supplements
that you may have to take.

Cut out the curries.

-I guess, cut out the curries.
-Hmm... Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

So when you look back,
what for you were
the, sort of, great races?

You know, I'm getting old.
To remember back,
all these races.

I remember the Hungary one,
when you had to do...

What was it?
25 effective qualifying laps.

That was a great
conversation with Ross.

Ross coming on the radio
saying, "Listen, we are
in this trouble now

"and we need, kind of,
20 laps in these kind
of lap times."

And that sounded like
qualifying. I said, "Okay,
let's go, let's try it."

Twenty qualifying laps,
one after the other?

I don't know,
the combination of Hungary
was a special combination.

Track, car,
everything just got together

and we were able
to do those times
and it worked out.

But we had many of those
great events together
in all these years.

Are you watching this year
or have you, sort of...

No, certainly, I'm watching.

I'm travelling
to some of the races.

I see them live.
And others on TV.

And are you finding it
a bit boring when one person
just endlessly wins?

When you were racing,
were there any guys out there
who you thought,

"This guy's
pretty damn quick"?

Absolutely. I mean,
I think my best time I had
with Hakkinen, quite honestly.

That was a period that
I really like looking back to,

because we had fighting up,
really to the limit,
to the maximum.

And great situations.

And basically have a beer
afterwards without problems.

Who was rubbish?

-Hmm?
-Who was rubbish?

You know, my English
isn't so good, so...

Who was garbage?

That's very good.

Have you got any regrets?

I mean, when you
look back, think,
"I wish I hadn't done that".

I mean, in life,
you always have regrets.

You always do certain things
that thinking afterwards

you could have
done differently.

And I'm sure you have
some examples for me.

-Yep. Three a minute.

No, it's just... I mean,
let's be honest,
you have a desire to win.

That's my nature, yeah.

I'm with you on that one.
I play my son at chess.

If it looks like
he's gonna beat me,

I wait for him
not to be looking
and nick his queen.

Which is the same
as running into Damon.

-You know, it's the sort of...

You know what I'm saying.
It's just...

It's that kind of, "I'm not
gonna let you beat me because
I'm just better than you."

Can I just ask finally before
we move off Formula One,
why did you stop?

'Cause, obviously, you
were still winning at the end.

What made you wake up
one day and say,

"You know,
I've had enough
of racing in F1?"

Well, you know,

curry was so attractive to me.

It's very nice. It is.

Um, can we just talk
about cars briefly, if I may?

What are you running now?

I have a nice 500 Fiat.

-Is it the Abarth?
-Yeah.

-That's a fantastic
little car, isn't it?
-It is.

And you, actually,
what do you drive
most of the time?

Family car, like a Croma.
Or...

-Fiat Croma?
-Yeah.

That's a fantastic
bombshell on which
to end this interview.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Michael Schumacher drives
a Fiat Croma.

So there you are, everybody,
The Stig!

The Stig, everybody!

Thank you very much. The Stig!

-I thought it was you. Always.
-I thought it was you.
I can't believe...

No, that was just
a weekend outfit.

Michael Schumacher.

Anyway...

Anyway, fantastic,
but tonight we are in 1949.

Yeah, well,
you're always in 1949.

Yeah, whatever. We're in 1949,
and we're having a race.

I am in a Jaguar XK 120,
which is the fastest car
in the world.

Richard Hammond is on
the Vincent Black Shadow,

which is the fastest
motorcycle in the world.

And Jeremy Clarkston
is on a steam train.

Yes. Now, the start line
was here in London

and the finish line would
be up here in Edinburgh.

And when we left the action,

Jeremy was in the lead,
just approaching Doncaster.

I was in second place

and as you would expect,
Captain Slow was bringing up
the rear.

Steady.

Hoping to take me from behind.

-Yeah, all right.

And then press home
his advantage and take Jeremy
in the tunnel.

-Stop saying things like that.
-You know what I mean.

Come on, come on, come on.

HAMMOND To try and stay
ahead of James,
who was being cautious

with his petrol gauge,
I was stretching my fuel stops
to the last possible moment.

Any minute now, this bike
is going to start stuttering

and I'm gonna have to pull...

There's a lever down here
to switch it
to the reserve tank

and then I have to
really panic about getting
some more petrol.

CLARKSON:
This is it! Doncaster,
my home town.

The home town
of the original A1.

The home town of the Mallard,

the fastest stream train
of them all,
the Flying Scotsman.

The greatest
steam train of all.

That's my
old girlfriend's house.

I might have had sex in...
Or is that it?

No, I think that's it there.

Here I am. Grim faced
at the wheel of my Jag.

Time for some overtaking.
Tally ho.

I had no choice
but to stop for fuel.

As a result,
James is going to overtake me.

There's nothing I can do.

MAY: And sure enough...

Oh, my word,
it's Richard Hammond.

CLARKSON:
Several miles ahead,
I too was stationary,

taking on more water.

CLARKSON:
Hammond, where are you?

I'm about 30 miles
south of Doncaster.

Oh, dear. We're in York.

-What?
-Where's James?

Um, he's just overtaken me
but his Jag is drinking fuel,

so with a bit of luck,
he'll have to stop for fuel
before I do.

-And I can overtake him again.
-Or he'll catch fire?

What's that noise?

It's me being told off
not to use a mobile phone
by the man.

Go and tell him it's 1949.

So we can't have
mobile phones?

CLARKSON:
Yes! That was wheel spin
on a 96 tonne train.

That is a steam train,
isn't it?

It's not got some
nuclear device on board
as well?

CLARKSON: No. What it had
on board was a fresh crew,

and that meant
a fresh set of muscles.

Holy cow. The whole train
is now really zig-zagging.

I got a tank slapper
in a train at 75 miles
an hour.

Three minutes early.
We're early.

-CLARKSON: Three minutes?
-Yeah.

You're doing a good job.

HAMMOND:
James was now in front of me,

but my bold fuel strategy
would keep me in the game.

Okay.

Settling into the cruise now.

Looking good and going well.

The bike running absolutely
like a metronome.

CLARKSON: Meanwhile,
on the train, I'd been told
I could cook lunch

in the world's
most fearsome AGA.

Who's on for a bacon sandwich?

It didn't go well.

Oh, no!

MAN: Right up the chimney!

-So bacon just flew out
of the top of our train?
-MAN: Yeah.

MAY: Shove over, you dozy cow.

CLARKSON:
In a bid to close the gap
on the Pacific Class Aga,

James had become
Captain Road Rage.

MAY:
Get in the left-hand lane!

I'm trying to beat the train,
you imbecile!

CLARKSON:
Yay! Look at that.
That's good!

CLARKSON: They told me
that coal-fired eggs
would be delicious.

They were lying.

Still, could be worse.

Quick summary of the turn
my life has taken.

I'm 20 miles south,
not north of Doncaster.

I'm by the side of the A1.

In the rain. The motorcycle
is slightly broken.

What I did was leave
the fuel tap on,
the reserve tap on,

so the bike pulled a lot
of slugs through from
the bottom of the fuel tank,

clogged up
the left-hand carburettor
and has now stopped.

That's the situation.

It is, however, a very
manly pursuit, motorcycling,
I'm enjoying it.

Testosterone surging
around my system.

Or it could be rain, actually.
It's getting in. It's rain.

Surging around my system.

HAMMOND:
James was overflowing
with Top Gear sympathy.

So, you're fine,
but the bike is in bits.

-A bit.
-What a rotten bit of luck.

If you don't mind taking
your head and boiling it,

that would be wonderful.

He's had it.
It's me and Jezza.

Its car versus train.

Keep going!

CLARKSON: But this crew,
with me shovelling,
were a match for anyone.

Hold tight.
It's a little rough through
Durham and the cathedral.

Just as we go
over this part here.

Durham Cathedral.
We're in Durham.

CLARKSON:
We're doing 75 mph
through the city centre.

Oh, yes.

Don't know if I'm gaining.
Keep calm and carry on.

Oh, we're motoring now.

Ho-ho!

Ahead lay our biggest stop.

Half an hour
in Newcastle to take on water
and more coal.

But despite this,
I was still confident.

We are so far ahead,
it's embarrassing.

However, there was
a surprise in store.

HAMMOND:
Now Black Shadow rides again!

We could just
throw in the towel.

That's not
the Black Shadow's way.

CLARKSON:
Then, as the train slowed
for Newcastle,

there was another surprise
in store.

Where are you now?
Where are you?

I'm about 20 miles
south of Newcastle.

-Twenty miles
south of Newcastle?
-Yeah.

You're gonna go in the...

-Only 20 miles?
-Yeah.

I'm gaining on you.

The car's only 20 miles
south of Newcastle.

Bingo, bingo, here we go.

CLARKSON:
Right, so we're stationary
for 34 minutes?

That's correct, yes.

CLARKSON:
He's gonna come past.

He's gonna be 10 miles
ahead of us went we set off?

We've some work to do then.

CLARKSON:
Still, could be worse.

HAMMOND:
This, I think,
is still that rain

that we had left behind
but I got caught up in again

because I was delayed having
to rebuild my carburettor.

As a result,
getting quite wet.

Very wet. So...

It's Saturday morning

and the continuing adventures
of the Black Shadow continue.

CLARKSON:
As I was loading the coal...

-CLARKSON: Sorry!

...The phone rang.

James, what's happening?

I'm terribly sorry, old chap,
but I've just gone past you.

-You're in the lead?
-I am.

Make... Make... Make millions
of coal go in there.

Enjoy your time
in the lead because
it will be short-lived.

MAY:
What an appalling optimist.

114 miles to Edinburgh.

Both the train
and the car had to do
another stop.

And from here on,
big chunks of the A1
were single carriageway,

so I wasn't popping
the cork just yet.

However, in this stunning part
of the world

and with the sun coming out,
I was falling in love
with the XK.

I'll be honest.
When I first fired
the old girl up,

I thought, "Well,
that's lovely,
it's only a matter of time

"before there's
an ignition issue,
a carburettor issue,

"a bearing issue", but no.

It's wonderful.

The engine was designed
in the evenings
during the war,

during the blackout, usually.

The body was shaped
by the boss of the company.

The whole thing was completed
in a matter of a few months.

And look at it. I love it.

And I will win.

CLARKSON:
Not if we had anything
to do with it.

Come on! 10 miles! 10 miles!

That's all
we've got to make up.

Dual-carriageway.

Oh, God, this engine's good.

CLARKSON: Come on!

Oh, yeah, we're working.

Oh, just give me a chance,
just a chance.

I'm in the fastest car
in the world.

I'm doing this to beat a car.
Why am I doing it?

CLARKSON:
Still, could be worse.

Oh.

Oh, the pain.

CLARKSON: South of Berwick,
it was still neck and neck.

But James had a problem.

MAY: Come on!

Nobody coming out
of this thing owns
that Fiesta.

This is what happens when
you make petrol stations
into supermarkets as well.

People spend hours in there
buying bloody bananas
and croissants

and other things
that you don't need.

Yes, yes,
in the car, in the car.

Don't worry about the handbag.

CLARKSON:
James's lengthy fuel stop
was just what we needed

to close the gap.

But then...

MAN 1:
Where's the
water gone?

MAN 2: What?
MAN 1: Where's the water gone?

There's no water
getting to the boiler?

We need to get water
in the boiler now.

It's not gonna blow up,
is it?

MAN 1: No. Not yet.

This is a worry now.

These are supposed
to be full of water.

As you can see,
there's just a tiny
little dribble.

MAN: There's water,
but nothing's coming out!

If we lose all the water,
the fire has to come out.

Otherwise
we've got a disaster.

I'm now about 65 miles away
from Edinburgh.

I can't get hold of Jeremy,
he's obviously on the move.

Too much noise for him
to hear the phone.

-MAN 1: Now try it.
-Don't just lever in water.

CLARKSON:
One of the water injectors
that feeds the boiler

had stopped working.

We've got to ease up now,
purely because
we're losing steam.

I need to shovel. Sorry.

-You want me shovelling?
-No, I need to shovel.

I'm sacked.

The speed is right down.
The water is right down.

He's shovelling madly.

And that means only
50 mph.

Should be 55, 60 mph,
until we can get it back.

Temperature, oil, everything.
No, it's fine, it's fine.

Everything's fine.

CLARKSON: After several
tense moments, relief.

-It's coming back.
-It just came back?

Cooled down and came back.

You know they say
steam engines have moods?

It was its time of the month
for about 10 minutes.

The sea,
we're going along the sea.

This was turning
into a great race.

For two of us.

Okay.

Time to get back on.
My hero. That's a good thing.

Um, just past
Scotch Corner now.

About 150, 160
miles yet to run.

I can't feel
my right hand at all.

But this...
You know, this is...

This is a marathon,
not a sprint.

CLARKSON:
As we left Berwick
for the final charge,

the question was,
had our injector problem
given James back the lead?

-Hello.
-Hey, Clarkson.

Are you north
or south of Berwick?

-North.
-North?

-Yes.
-You're joking.

Yeah, but not by much.

How far north
of Berwick are you?

-Less than 10 miles.
-How far?

Less than 10 miles.

17?

No, less than 10.

30?

Less than 10!

What a cock end, honestly.

MAN: Come on, Mr Clarkson,
get shovelling.

-What?
-Keep shovelling!

Sorry! Sorry!

Oh, God, the road
narrows down to one lane.

That's gonna slow me down.

MAN: Come on! Get more in it!

All right.

I really wanna win.

Oh, God above.

One of the farm lorries
is overtaking the other one

on the only
dual carriageway bit.

You selfish turd!

-What the hell was that?
-That's a wheel spin.

You've got wheel spin
at 70 mph?

-At 70 miles an hour!
-MAN: Yes!

Where the hell's Jezza?
I wish I knew.

CLARKSON: We are now
going alongside the A1.
It's just here.

Where is he? Where is he?

This is as close
as it's ever been.

If I see that green monster
appear on the right...

Twenty minutes,
not even 20.

"Edinburgh. 116 miles,"
that just said.

So it's still very much
a three-way race.

MAY: There can't be more
than about seven or eight
miles between us.

Oh, God.

CLARKSON: We've got a red.

No, it's not.
It's two yellows.
It's two yellows.

What's happening is,
we're following a stupid
commuter train into Edinburgh.

He's stopping
at every station.

And he's stopping at
every station,

which is causing us
to have to slow down.

Less than 10 miles to go.

We'll ram it.
Ram the stopper train.

He could have gone past.

I like to think
I'd have seen the smoke.
It might be too far off.

I just don't know.

-That's green, green.
-Go, go, go, go, go!

We need acceleration
out of this thing.

Those lights have
really put us behind now.

MAY:
It's a few miles, following
the city centre sign.

CLARKSON:
Speed, coal, fire, fire.

Steam, steam, speed.

Come on.

MAN:
We've seven minutes to go.

Red!

I'm gonna have
to seriously run.

How do I get
to the Balmoral Hotel?

Win or lose, we did our best.

Which way is it?

Coming through!

Unlike James May,
I will only run on television.

These shoes.

Where's the bar?

MAY: You have permission
to say, "Oh, cock."

You shouldn't...
You shouldn't laugh

at a man who's come...

A noble second.

Jeremy, speak to me.

Yeah. Mmm!

Mmm!

Never wanna see
another steam train.

-Well done, mate.

You did well, actually.
You did very well.

-Because that car has been...
-Pleasure.

-That was man contact.
-Mmm.

Have you heard from Hammond?

Oh, God!

The feeling's coming back.

God, that's worse.

Now I can feel them.
And it's just hurt.

I'm sorry, what that shows
is that even 60 years ago,

-cars were better than trains.
-Yeah.

Yeah. And on that...
It's not really
a bombshell, is it?

It's not a bombshell.
We can't end on that.

But, I know
what is a bombshell.

You're probably wondering
why Michael Schumacher
never did a lap

in the Suzuki Liana.

Well, don't worry, he did.

This should be something else.

And he's off! He's stalled!

Oh, my God.

-Michael Schumacher
has stalled the Liana.

But he's off now.

That's not good.

He's obviously
not used to a manual.

Oh, no, here we go,
first corner.

Okay, let's have a look at...
Oh, no, that's not
the right line.

No, that's badly wrong.
But he's made it round.

He's made it round.
Look at the way he holds
that rear end there

as heads now down
towards Chicago.

-Wide again.

He not gonna make it,
he's going off.

He's going off.
Oh, no! He got the camera.

He missed the cameraman,
though, that's okay.

It's okay.
He's smashed the windscreen!

Follow through.
Is he flat out?

-No, I don't think he is.

Coming up to the tyres.

He's going the wrong way!

You're going
the wrong way, man!

Here he is, final corner.

Michael Schumacher is lost,
everybody!

You know what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking... Wait, wait!

I don't think...

I don't think
Michael Schumacher
is The Stig.

-You think he made it up?
-Now that is a bombshell!

-That is a bombshell!
-We can end on that.

See you next week! Good night!