Top Gear (2002–…): Season 10, Episode 3 - Bugatti Veyron vs. Typhoon Jet Fighter - full transcript

CLARKSON: Tonight,
James drives a Rolls-Royce,

Richard drives
a Bugatti Veyron,

and I drive something that is
neither of those things!

Hello and good evening.

Good evening and
thank you very much.

Thank you so much.
Thanks. Now...

We start tonight
with a letter.

"Dear Top Gear,

"why, oh, why don't you
feature more cars

"aimed at ordinary people
like me.

"Yours sincerely,
Mr. R. Abramovich of Chelsea."



-Well, Mr. Abramovich,

our man of the people,
James May,

was only too happy to oblige.

MAY: Perhaps
this is what he's on about.

No, not the gin palace.

This.

The new Rolls-Royce
Phantom Drophead.

As I'm sure you know,

on Top Gear, if a car spends

too long sitting on the deck
of an aircraft carrier,

it eventually gets
launched off the ramp
thing down at the end.

And this definitely
isn't going to fly
because it weighs 2.6 tonnes.

So, let's be on our way.

This really isn't
the sort of car you
want to drop in the ocean.



Largely because
it costs £307,000.

That's £50,000 more
than
the Rolls-Royce Phantom saloon

which we tested
a few years ago,

and which, I have to say,
we liked rather a lot.

So, what are you
paying the extra for,
aside from the drop-top?

Well, you certainly get
a lot more metal-working

because, to keep
the Drophead's body rigid,

Rolls gave it to their
adoptive parents at BMW,

who added another
460 feet of welding.

And they did that
at their Centre for
Aluminium Competence.

I'm not making that up.
That is what it's called.

They're Germans.

Otherwise,
it has the same 6.75
litre engine as the Phantom,

the same top speed
and the same 0-60 time.

So, the mechanicals
are the same.

But the image,
very different.

The saloon is the sort of car
that you could hide in.

You can sit in the back
behind the tinted
glass and just pretend

to be selling Russian gas
or whatever on your laptop.

But with the Drophead,
it will be you
who's doing the driving.

You don't really want
to ride in
the back of this car,

unless, perhaps,

you're the Queen of England
or Elton John.

Which is the same thing,
really.

So, you'll be sitting up
front for all the world to see

in a car
that's hardly discreet,

and this is why I'm driving
it around town at night.

Because the producer
thought I'd be too
embarrassed in daylight.

But why would
I be embarrassed?

If this was truly vulgar,
maybe,

but it isn't.

It's exquisite.

This lot don't do
carbon fibre

but they will let you
have this teak
decking at the back,

like you might find
on a motor launch.

And they will also
let you have the bonnet

finished in
brushed stainless steel.

And other car manufacturers
are currently spending

millions and millions
of pounds on research

into hydrogen fuel cells
and hybrid drive

but Rolls-Royce
spends the same money

in its ashtray
design department.

Look at that!

Furthermore,
you won't be overwhelmed

by all the flashing lights
and gizmos and gadgets

that you'd find
in a BMW 7
Series or a Maybach.

I don't have
10 different settings
for the ride firmness,

I don't have
five different speeds

at which the interior
lights switch off
when I close the door.

It's more like a butler,
this car.

It just sort of takes care
of everything for you

and you don't even notice.

Like the Phantom saloon,
the Drophead
doesn't follow the herd.

It has its own ideas
about what
a luxury car should be.

You can't order a sports pack
or a flappy-paddle gearbox

but you can choose
from 44,000 shades of paint.

And you know that
teak decking?

When you take the car
for a service

a man in an apron
oils it for you,

like you might your
favourite cricket bat.

And when it rains,
yes, you call on
an old-fashioned soft-top,

instead of some trendy,
folding, metal origami.

But that soft-top
is lined with cashmere.

And yet, for all its teak

and stainless steel
and cashmere,

the Drophead just doesn't
come across as
brash or in-your-face.

I like to think that
you could leave it in
the rougher parts of town

and no one would hurt it.

Yo! Oh, I love you!

Let's not try it out,
though, eh?

This is without doubt
a proper Rolls-Royce.

Wonderful to drive,
beautifully made.

But there's something else.

Here's an amazing thing.

Rolls-Royce is the most
established mark in
the history of motoring.

It has the most pompous
radiator grille.

It has the most
ridiculous mascot.

And yet, this car's
very, very cool.

I think this might be
the coolest car in the world.

So, let's move on
to Ferrari.

Ah, now,
in the olden days,

they used to build
their racing cars
with a lot of passion.

And enthusiasm, and then,

on lap three,
as often as not
they would explode

in a passionate
and enthusiastic fireball.

But then, a few years ago,

they started building
their racing cars
with science and maths.

And since then, as we know,
they've been top of the tree.

So now, Ferrari is putting

science and maths

into its road cars as well...

CLARKSON: This is the 599.

It has a six-litre V12 with
variable valve timing on each
of its four cams

and magneto-rheological
shock absorbers.

It has lights
on the steering wheel

telling you
when to change gear

and then there's
the gearbox itself.

When I pull this paddle here,

the clutch disengages,

the cogs are swapped
and the clutch re-engages,

all in 100 milliseconds.

Ready...

Yeah, 100 milliseconds.

See that diffuser
at the back?

That's generating
165 kilograms of
down force, that is.

That's about, like, that much.

You can't even start
this car in a normal way.

To get it off the line,

you pull that paddle
to put it in... No!

-No. Wait. You turn
the traction control off.

Yeah, that's that done,

then you pull this paddle
to put it in first.

Then you press
the launch control button

and now the L's flashing

and then you put your
left foot on the brake,
build up the revs...

And then you
take your foot off the brake.

That was hugely impressive.

But I'll let you into
a little secret.

Launch control
is primarily designed
for fat, useless drivers

to impress their friends
with all the tyre
smoke and so on.

There's another
quicker way of getting
this car off the line.

Ferrari won't
thank me for this,
but what you do is

put it in race.

Okay, then you hold
this paddle down
for two seconds.

It says transmission failure,
but don't worry.

Left foot on the brake,
don't turn
the launch control on,

build up the revs.

That's phenomenal.
The onboard computer's
just got me from 0-60

in 3.5 seconds.

3.5 in a car that weighs
nearly two tons!

More amazing still,

in the time it takes
a two-litre Mondeo

to get from 0 to 60,

the 599 will
get you from 0

to 150!

And then there's the way
it goes round corners.

What I do in a normal
fast car coming round here

is brake, turn in,
you feel the grip, okay?

And then you
balance the throttle

to hold it on
the limit of grip,

and then you call
the tow truck to pull
you out of the field.

In this, however, things
are a little bit different.

I simply choose
what sort of
cornering I'd like to do

with this little switch.

So if I put it here...

I can make it do this.

Or if I put it here,
I can make it do this.

Hold onto your spleen,
everyone!

Or if you're feeling
brave and talented,

you can turn the system
off all together,

in which case,
you'll corner like this.

Oh, dear!

Big cloud of smoke!

And then it stalls.

To be honest, I don't
really like any of
this electronic stuff.

I'm not the sort of
person who spends his
evening on on Bebo or Myface,

but I will admit,

when it all comes together,
the effect is, um...

Profound.

In short, this does
for other cars

what the laptop did
for the typewriter.

And because
it's so high-tech,
it's easy to drive.

You might even imagine
you could use a 599

for trips to the shops.

But not so fast on that one.

In the past, this was the
natural stomping
ground of the Ferrari,

under a cover,
in a garage.

And with good reason.

The 512 was too difficult
and heavy to be used
as an everyday car.

The Enzo has problems too.

It was only available
with left-hand drive,

so, if you pulled up
at a slightly
oblique junction,

you couldn't see
what was coming.

The 599, though, looks
as though it gets
round these problems.

There's a parcel shelf
in the back for
your golf clubs.

Service intervals
are every 12,500 miles.

And because the engine's
in the front

it has a big boot.

Don't, however, be fooled,

because there are
one or two little issues.

I took one of these things
out on the roads near where
I live the other day

and it was so wide
I spent most of my
time in the ditch

or the hedge
trying to avoid people
coming the other way.

The headlights were like
candles in jam jars,

the automatic wipers
turned themselves on

every time it stopped raining.

The air-conditioning system
had a mind of its own,

it kept steaming up.

And the ambient lighting,

designed to bathe
the interior in a warm glow,

lit the whole thing up
like a battlefield.

You really couldn't buy
a 599 to use every day.

More worryingly, though,

I wouldn't buy one at all.

You see, if it's a car
you can only really
use on special occasions,

you want it to feel special.

And somehow it doesn't.

Technically, it's brilliant.

I respect it hugely.

In the same way
that I respect
the technology in my iPod,

but I don't love it.

And that's why
if I were gonna blow
£185,000 on a Ferrari,

I'd walk right past the 599

and get one of these.

It's a Ferrari 275 GTS.

Even by the standards
of the day,

1964, it was...

Rubbish!

The prop-shaft, for instance,

that links the engine
at the front to
the gearbox at the back,

was never aligned properly,
so it'd wear out

immediately.

And that was a
good thing, actually,
because it meant owners

didn't have a chance
to find out that the brakes

were actually
milk bottle tops.

They'd stop you...

Once.

And, you know what?

None of that matters.

Because, look at it...

It's 14 feet
of almost nothing

but passion
and flair and style.

So when you drive
it once a year, maybe,

it makes you feel special.

The 599

is just a bucket-load
of science and maths.

This...
This 275 is...

Is what matters.

It's heart and soul.

Look at this.

It is amazing!

As a technical exercise...

As a technical exercise
it's just astonishing.

The science and maths
is phenomenal in it,

-it really is.
-HAMMOND: It is fabulous.

And would you really rather
have that old 275?

Honest to God,
I really would.

Anyway,
we must now find
out how fast this car

goes round our track.

Of course, that means
handing it over to
our tame racing driver.

Some say

that he gets terrible
eczema on his helmet.

And that if he'd
been the video ref

in the World Cup rugby final

he would have seen that
of course it was a try,
you blind Australian halfwit!

All we know is,
he's called the Stig!

CLARKSON: And he's off!
Lots of smoke there,

mostly from
the tortured clutch

as Stig gives it the beans
in the secret launch mode!

First corner,
okay, turns in hard.

The tyres squeal,

more roll than you
might expect,
actually, as well, that's...

That is a lot!

WOMAN ON STEREO:
A sixth-sensory person

interacts with the world,

witnessing energy

in a detached mode...

Magneto-rheological
dampers and sport
traction control off,

stereo sadly on, though.

Tail just flicking out there,
coming into the Hammerhead
very hard on the brakes.

Almost beat the ABS there.

Look at his rear...
That's a big drift!

This may be a V12
Pentium Processor,
but God, it can dance!

WOMAN: Use that energy
to be more giving,

more supportive
and more effective.

Right, now the full fury
of that Enzo engine.

Here it goes.

Powers through
the follow-through,

through the tyres.

That is quick,
but is it supercar quick

or will the 599's softer
GT side slow it down?

Coming up to Gambon now.

Super tidy through there.

-And across the line!

Now.

Got to remember
that we're talking here
about a car that weighs

nearly two tons,
leather seats,

air conditioning, big boot

and it did it faster
than a Ford GT.

1 minute 21.2.

That is truly staggering.

But now we must move on,

because it's time
to put a star

in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight holds
an amazing record.

He has been seen in
the flesh by more people

than anyone else in
the history of humankind.

And that is because
he is a member of a band
called the Rolling Stones.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
Ronnie Wood! -

-Can't believe this.
-Hello, mate.

-Staggering!
-All right?

-I'm very well.
How are you? -Good.

I guess, um...

I guess you must be unnerved
by a crowd as big as this.

-I know.
-There's 500 people here.

-It's nice to be intimate.
-Yeah, it's...

It's not intimate,
this is huge!

Is this true?

'Cause we were working
it out the other day...

What do you get on
an average tour these
days? How many people come?

Oh, my God!
Um...many millions.

I reckon more people
than the Pope.

The Pope is nothing.

Can't see the Pope
singing Satisfaction,

let's be honest.

Now, I've got to get straight
to business here.

You look at the Stones,
you've all got good hair.

How can you have known that
when you all got together?

Well, none of us
wanted to be in Fleetwood Mac.

-Hair's an important thing...
-Must be the gypsy blood!

It is. I know you're
the first
member of your family

to be born on dry land,
is that right?

Yeah, me and
my two brothers,

all the rest of the family
right back down to the 1700s

that I've traced so far,
were all born on the water.

-All born,
what, on canals now, rather
than... -Yeah, on the canals.

I didn't realise
that gypsies...

I thought you were
all born in caravans,
not in narrow boats.

I've got a caravan
for the dry land bit.

You're kidding?
You still have got a caravan.

Yeah, got a few.

One in the front
and one in the back garden.

-Would you like us
to destroy them?

No, I can do that myself.

Honestly, we'd be even better
than you at destroying them.

Now, you've got a book out.

-Yeah. Da-dah!
-Which is called...

You've brought one with you.
It's called Ronnie.

The one thing,
having read it,

that fascinates me is,
how are you still alive?

Good question.

I mean,
how did you do it?

It's just every single thing
that's ever
happened in your life

would have killed
anybody else.

The drugs, the fights
even in the early days with,
you know, Jeff Beck.

Yeah, the escapes.
We escaped.

-What escapes?
-Oh,
my God, from motorway cafes.

-Really? What,
the Blue Boar days? -Yeah.

'Cause all the bands
used to meet there
after doing gigs,

at the Blue Boar,
on the M1.

Well, we would be
sitting there at
the shank of the evening

and outside you could see
the gangs gathering, you know,

and they're going,
"We'll have that lot,
in there."

-What, the mods
and rockers gangs? -Yeah!

And you'd go like...
And we didn't know
which one was gonna attack us.

But, we had to pretend
to be on both sides,

and also get out of there
and make our escape, so...

So, we had to jump
into the car through the
window, into the back.

The full Dukes of Hazzard
through the window?

Yeah, just the window was
luckily wound down because
they'd come at you with...

With baseball bats
and whatever other sticks

and nails and stuff
they could get their hands on.

And Jeff would get
behind
the driver's seat, and...

-This is Jeff Beck?
-One against the petrol pump,

another one against
the wall...

Boom, boom, get out!

So Jeff Beck's not only
an amazing guitarist,

but he's also
a getaway driver?

-He is. Oh yeah.

This is one of the things
I noticed in your friends...

Err, in your book,
is looking at your friends,

people like
John Belushi, Hendrix.

All those people...
They're not exactly
a Methodist Bible group.

Which brings us round
to our dearly
departed friend, Keith Moon.

-You know, God bless him.
-Oh, I know.

Driving up the steps,
straight through
the plate glass window

and saying, "Could I
have my room key, please?"

He actually did that?

-Yeah.
-You saw him do that?

Yeah, and he pitched a tent

in the lobby of
the Beverley
Wiltshire in Hollywood

because they wouldn't
let him in,

so he said,
"I'm staying anyway."

You see, that's proper...

There's none of that...
You wouldn't see Daniel
Bedingfield doing that.

But what's your record
for staying up?

Six days, six nights,
with a concert
after every one.

-We would play
Madison Square Garden,

Keith and I would say,

"Well, we might
as well make a night of it.

"Let's go down the studio
with Eric Clapton.

"Let's go down
to Electric Lady,"

so we'd do that every night.

We'd say,
"There's no point
in going to bed now.

"Come on, we'll be on
in a few more hours."

And so that went on
for the second day,
third day, fourth day,

and I said, "Keith,
I gotta get some rest."
And he's going,

"Nobody sleeps
while I'm awake!"

So, we did the extra
two days and,
before we knew it,

uh, we had
a nice two day kip.

I just think it's fantastic.

And then there was
also not just
the danger obviously

of touring and staying up.

Keith Richards obviously
was armed a lot of
the time as well.

Yeah, before the good old
days of the terrorists,

at the airports,
you used to be able to
carry a piece on with you.

Did Keith ever shoot anybody?
Or anything?

He'd shoot between
somebody's legs

that he was mad at
in his room once.

And it went through
the ceiling and disturbed

an old people's card game
in the room below.

Why do we all have
the jobs we have?
Why aren't we all in bands?

And didn't he shoot
somebody's guitar once?

Yeah, which turned out
to be his own guitar...

He thought it was Mick's,
and he was mad
with Mick that night

and he said,
"I'm gonna shoot that guitar."

So he got a pillow...

And I said to the roadie,

"Oh dear,
what am I gonna tell Mick?"

He said, "Don't worry,
he borrowed it
from Keith anyway."

Well, actually, I...
Reading the book
I was thinking,

"Okay, you lived through that,

"you lived through the fights,
you lived through the '60s,

"and the mods
and the rockers,

"you lived through
all the drugs, you
lived through all the drink,

"but when you taped over
your wedding video..."

What did you have to
bring that up for?

It was nearly
an early divorce!

Did you actually
kill him for that?

-WOMAN: No, I nearly did.
-You nearly did.

WOOD: It was only
the last bit of it.

You know in the
old days with videos,

you'd press stop and it
would go back about...

-Yeah.
-A foot, or something...

-Yeah, yeah.
-So...

We're getting
into Joe singing.

And then he kissed me
at the wedding reception.

And then suddenly,
"And it's Jimmy White
to take the next shot."

Okay, there's one thing that

we all have in our heads
really about the Stones

is that you have absolutely
no idea about how
the world works any more.

You just live this
incredible separate existence.

Is that the case
or are you in touch
with how the world goes?

Well, it is difficult
being on tour and...

You know, going to
the office with
a police escort

and private planes,
and all that.

It's very hard to adjust,

coming off tour.

But I just... It's just
I find it so very difficult
to imagine a Rolling Stone...

I can't imagine
Mick driving a car.

I can't imagine he'd know
what all the levers were for.

I can't see Charlie
driving either.

Has he got a driving license?

-No.
-Oh, he hasn't?
So he's got no car?

He owns a wonderful Lagonda

and he's got a collection
of rare old cars

and he likes to hear
the sound of
the engine but not rev it up,

he doesn't like
to rev it up or
go anywhere in it.

But he gets suits made
of the same design as the car,

you know,
sort of maroon and grey,

with stripes and something,
and...

He sits in it.

Nice and eccentric!

God, I love the idea
of being him. You're so... Oh!

I do have, in Ireland,
I have my old 6.3 Mercedes.

-An old one?
-Yeah, 1970, yeah.

Huge, really good looking?

-Beautiful, yeah.
-Yeah.

-With hydraulic seats
and boot-lid and everything?
-Yeah.

That's a lovely car.
What else have you got?

Um, I've got an old Chevrolet,
two-seater with dickie seats

and wooden spoke wheels
from the 1920s.

So, it really didn't
set you up in any way

for the Chevrolet
that we provided you
with today to do the lap.

-Is that what it was?
-Chevrolet Lacetti!

-Oh!
-How was it out
on the circuit?

It was fantastic, by the time
I did my last lap, I thought,

-"I could get into this!"
-Who'd like to see the lap?

AUDIENCE: Yes!
CLARKSON: Play the tape.
Here we go.

Come on,
come on, let's go!

Ronnie Wood
in our Chevrolet.

We gotta think lap times here.

The slowest one ever! Aah!

CLARKSON: Let's have a look.
Is that slow? No, it is not.

Better than Jools Holland.

That was nice.

Brake.

CLARKSON:
You need to for that corner.

That's looking good as well.

Come on!

-You old crate!

CLARKSON: You do need
to brake again there.

Liking the braking
while understeering,
nice and tidy.

Go on, Ronnie,
go on, go on!

Going into this
one nice and fast.

I'm loving this.

This one even faster.

-CLARKSON:
Bloody hell, that is quick!

I'll hit this nice too.

CLARKSON:
I really didn't think
you'd be able to do this.

I thought you'd just get lost
and not know your name.

It's the last corner again...

And there he is
across the line, everybody!

-I'm staggered!
-I didn't spin off!

I'm staggered!

-I am genuinely
amazed at that.
-I'm still shaking from it.

-But you liked it?
That's great.
-Yeah, adrenaline.

So, where do you
think you've come on
our lap times board?

Even if I came last,
I just enjoyed
the hell out of it.

Sweet man,
but you didn't come last.
Not even close.

You did it in one minute...

Forty...

9.4 seconds.

-You, mate, are right...

Quicker than Jools.

All right!

Where's Helen Mirren's
name on there?

-Helen Mirren is there,
1.52.8. -All right.

Yeah, well, that has
just been the best fun

-having you on, honestly.
-Oh, it was great.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ronnie Wood!

-Thank you.

WOOD: This was fantastic!
Thank you so much.

Now, over the years,

technology has done
a great deal to
help old people.

It's given them the
Stannah stairlift,

the electric tin opener
and
the rubberised under sheet.

But there's never been
anything to help old
people park, until now!

Because this Lexus LS600
can park itself.

Now, here's
basically how it works.

At the back of the car,
there are
sensors in the bumper

that know where
its extremes are.

There's a tiny
little camera here
that looks behind

and when Hammond presses
a little button on the screen

it will reverse
and steer itself,

into that spot.

HAMMOND: Yup, it's that easy.

I just engage reverse gear,
I can see the cameras here,

I press some buttons
and stuff, and then it parks!

So, here goes!
This is gonna go well.

Whoa, Hammond, Hammond.
I'm sorry...

Sorry to interrupt,
but this is
the instruction book

that I have here,
okay, for the sort
of command system.

All of that is for
the park assist.

Do you think you can do it
without reading it?

Well...

CLARKSON: All right,
then go on, see if I care.

-You press some...
-Go on then, go on then.

I don't do anything, do I?
I just take my foot
off the brake, yeah?

MAY: Don't touch
the steering wheel.

CLARKSON: Take your
foot off the brake
and then it goes.

-Look at the wheel!
-I'm not doing anything,

I'm not doing anything!
I'm not doing anything!
It's just the car!

I'm not!

Oh, bugger!

CLARKSON: No!
MAY: Stop!

Stop!

You've hit the cool wall!

Yeah, well,
it's new technology...

-Has anyone got any reading
glasses? -

I can't read this damn book.
Thanks,
I promise I'll pay you back.

Right.

-I've got a green light
and I've hit okay.
-MAY: That bit, there.

And, er, right.

If I put my foot on the brake,
it slows it down.

I'm not... Look.

MAY: Yes, yes!

No! No! No, no, no, no, no!

CLARKSON: Stop it!
Again you've...

Hit the cool wall again!

I think we set
the radar wrong.

-We've got to read the book!

"A equals B, is less than C...

"."

How can old people
understand this?

-HAMMOND: Jeremy?
-What?

-James?
-MAY: Yes.

Both of you,
is the green square important?

BOTH: Yes!

-What does it mean?
-It's where you go...

-Oh, I put that
in the cool wall!

-Ah, I've moved it.
-Do the green square...

It's in the right place now.

So that's where I go.
Here I go.

MAY: He's going. He's going
CLARKSON: He's going?

I've got it,
I'm not touching anything.

-Please, turn. Please, God,
turn! -CLARKSON:
Turn the other way!

No, I can't turn.
The car has to do it.

-It's doing it!
-The car has to do it.

CLARKSON: That's nearly in!
MAY: That's parked!

That is nearly there.

Ladies and Gentlemen,
give the car that nearly
did it, a round of applause!

And the really tremendous
thing about this is
this car is £83,000.

Now, the old age pension at
the moment is £87.30,

which means if you save
all your money,
do without food and warmth,

you will be able to buy one
of these in just 18 years.

Who says we don't do sensible
consumer advice on this show?

And there's more.
As the country
becomes more and more crowded,

and the environmentalists
become more and more noisy,

it makes more and more sense
than ever to have a small car.

There are lots to choose from.

I've got a selection here,
Volkswagen Polo, Suzuki Swift,
quite nice actually,

and the Citroen C1.

The trouble is none of
these cars are really small.

They are, in fact, massive.

CLARKSON: 40 years ago,
car makers could sell you
something much smaller,

the original Mini,
for example,
or the bubble car.

But even these aren't small.

Not really. Not compared...

To this.

The Peel P50.

That is 54 inches long
and 41 inches wide.

It is listed in the
Guinness Book of Records

as the smallest
production car ever.

And what I'm sure you're
expecting me to do now

is introduce Richard Hammond.

But what I'm
actually going to do,

is drive it to work.

All, um, 6'5" of me.

No, that's not gonna work.
I'll have to... Hang on.

Leg, Yes!
Leg first and then... Yes!

Built on the Isle of Man
in the early '60s,

the P50 was said to be almost
cheaper than walking.

It cost £198 and
did 100 miles to the gallon,

and it sounds perfect then
for the roads of today.

Of course, there are
one or two drawbacks.

I can't imagine, for instance,
that it's terribly safe,

not when your knees
are the crumple zones.

And nor is it very fast.

What I've got down here
by my right knee,

in the cabin, making
an awful lot of noise

and generating
quite a bit of heat

is the 49cc engine
from a moped.

Top speed rather depends
on how big you are

and, um, actually how much
you had for breakfast.

But realistically, even the
skinniest, shortest chap,
with the whitest of teeth,

will struggle to get past 35.

There's something else
I've just thought of as well.

I have to pay
congestion charge in
this, in this part of London,

but the camera crew
in the Lexus 4x4 don't
'cause it's a hybrid.

How fair's that?

It's not like I'm creating
any pollution at all.

The Peel then is not only a
handy way of getting to work,

but it's also pretty practical
when you get there.

Normally,
the BBC make you moor up in
an underground car park,

where the bays are
only big enough for
ethnic peace bicycles

and fair-trade G-Wizzes.

But because this is smaller
than an ethnic peace bicycle,

I don't have to worry
about parking at all.

The great thing about
a car this small is
that it's very light,

which means that when you get
to work, you just pick
it up and carry it inside.

CLARKSON: Morning!

In the Top Gear office,
the team were keen
to know more about the P50.

I give you, the future,
young men and women.

The Peel P50.
I think it's 4.5 horsepower.

You know those
Little Tykes cars
that all kids have got?

That's exactly
the same, one door.

I have never seen
the Top Gear team
so enthusiastic about any car.

"Lads, there's a Koenigsegg
down in the car park."
"Oh, right."

"I've got a new
Ferrari there."
"Not interested."

This...

Even John Humphrys
dropped by for a look.

Hammond... No. Well,
can't you just clean them?

Really, 4,000 to whiten them?
4,000 quid?

You've white...?

No, well, I'll stick
with the yellow ones.
Okay. Take care! Bye.

Who's got the car?

Fantastic!

Who's stolen the car?

God, the power
under this bonnet!
It's impressive!

Crikey!

Whoa!

Ah, Clarkson, you've met
your match here, mate.

Please don't just
steal our things. D'you mind?

HUMPHRYS: Thanks very much,
indeed. Jolly nice of you.

Soon, I was summoned
to an important BBC meeting.

Most of the people going
would be walking,
but I was running late,

and decided to use the car.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Doors closing.

Fourth floor.

Fiona Bruce is
standing here, the newsreader.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Ground floor.

-Sorry, Fiona, could you
give me a push? -A push out?

-Please, 'cause it's got
no reverse gear. So... -Um...

-Thank you!
-All right.
You be all right in there?

No, this is fine, thanks.

She has got
quite a nice bottom.

I said that out loud,
didn't I?

After a short drive,
I arrived at BBC
Television Centre.

Unfortunately though,
this is the most complicated
building in the world.

I mean, I've worked in the BBC
for 20 years and I still don't
know where I'm going!

Tomorrow's World,
was cancelled

not because the programme
wasn't interesting
any more or anything,

but simply because
Judith Hann was lost in here.

Remember John Noakes,
Peter Purves and Blue Peter?

They're in here
somewhere, lost.

Hello, can anyone help?

Thanks!

Which department's this?

I'm really lost now.

MPs have held talks
with government ministers

about how to handle
the number of
claims that have resulted

from last month's floods.

The total bill is estimated
at about £1.5 billion.
Mark Simpson is here...

Sorry! Sorry, everyone! Sorry!

Eventually though I made it
to the top-level BBC seminar.

WOMAN: I believe we've already
made significant in-roads,

into the implementation of
an open and inclusive policy,

for the ethnocentrically
homogenous
objectives of this department.

But I'd like to say
that climate change is
the biggest threat ever

to face the peoples
of this world.

And minimising our carbon
footprint through
the functional usage

is a key responsibility
of anyone who
uses a photocopier.

I hope that in this session
we can discuss and address...

CLARKSON: Sadly,
the meeting went
on for so long,

that there was no
time left in the
day for any programme making.

...policy for
the ethnocentrically...

So I headed home.

I really do think that today
I have seen the future.

And it comes from 1963.

This Peel P50 really
is absolutely brilliant.

If it had a reverse gear,

I would describe it as
the absolute, ultimate
really, of personal mobility.

You can't...

That's Dermot Murnaghan! Oi!

It is! Murnaghan! Murnaghan!

Oh! Thanks!

-Thanks for that! Sorry.

We really have a very
big problem at
the BBC with newsreaders.

I mean, just the other day,
we were in the canteen,

Paxman came through
on a Harley Davidson!

-It's just
they're out of control!

Is this the best car
we've ever had on Top Gear?

Yes! Honestly, I think
It's genuinely astonishing!

But I think I can now
go one better!

Because, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm able to reveal,

there is a sports
version of this car!

-No!

Who'd like to see it?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!
-Here we go!

-Look at that!
-MAY: Wow!

CLARKSON:
It's just staggering!

It's The Jetsons!

I just want one of those.
That would be my
perfect two-car garage.

Yeah. Now, a year ago,
Jeremy raced James
and me from Italy to London.

James and I,
in his ridiculous aeroplane,

Jeremy in a Bugatti Veyron.

And, annoyingly, he won.

Then we heard from a bunch
of aeroplane enthusiasts,
called the RAF.

They said, "Why don't you
come up to our place?

"And we've got a plane
that'll give your car
a run for its money."

And, well, seeing as I'm
the only one who hasn't yet
driven the Bugatti Veyron,

I took up the challenge.

Yes, the 1,000 horse power
legend is back.

And, if I'm honest,
I'm a bit nervous.

Not because of the car itself,

but because of the
burden that now
rests on my shoulders.

When Jeremy drove the Veyron,

all he had to beat
was an incompetent James
in a useless little aeroplane.

Then, when James went to
Germany and maxed it,

the car didn't even
break sweat.

But this time, the Veyron's
honour really is at stake

because never before
has it gone up
against something like this.

The most modern,
the most hi-tech strike
fighter on the planet.

The Eurofighter Typhoon.

And for once,
when it comes to figures,

the Bugatti really
is well and truly top-trumped.

Its twin engines develop
20,000 pounds of thrust each,

punching the Eurofighter
up to 65,000 feet,

and a top speed of over
1,500 miles an hour.

This machine is
the cutting edge of
what a plane can do.

It's actually designed to be
aero-dynamically unstable,

to make it as agile
as possible in a dog-fight.

So, it need 70 computers
to keep it in the air.

And if they fail, it would
simply fall out of the sky.

It's kind of a mix
of science fiction
and brute strength.

These wings, for example,
have to be able to
take the stresses and strains

of all those extreme
high-speed manoeuvres.

So, they might
look all slim and dainty,

but each one can take
the weight of 35
Volkswagen Golf's.

All in all, quite a
handy bit of kit,

as you'd expect,
at £67 million a pop.

Faced with the clear
and present danger
of the Eurofighter,

the Bugatti Veyron really is
the car world's best shot
at clinging to some honour.

And no one knows
what the outcome will be.

In fact,
Bugatti is so concerned,

they've sent over not one,
but two Veyrons.

Maybe they're gonna tie them
together or something.

The shoot-out
will take place here,

on the main runway
at RAF Coningsby,
in Lincolnshire.

And here's the challenge.

It's a horizontal vs. vertical
drag race, over two miles.

Here's the start-finish line
and the car and plane.

Yeah, it's difficult
to get hold of models
of a Veyron and a Eurofighter.

They both start from here.
The car will race down
the runway for a mile,

when it reaches
the mile marker,
turn as quickly as possible,

and then race back down
over the same mile, to cross
the start-finish line here.

Meanwhile, the plane will
set off and take off
as quickly as possible,

and cover a mile.

Vertically, obviously.

When it's done the mile,
it turns and swoops
back down the same mile,

to cross
the start-finish line.

Or to crash into
a £1 million supercar
that it didn't expect to see,

and YouTube has a field day.

Otherwise, last one
to finish is a vegetarian.

Simple as that.

Now, you might think
the plane is going to walk it.

But don't be so sure.

The car should have
the edge off the line.

It'll do nought to 100
in 5.7 seconds,
for God's sake.

And when it gets
to these yellow dots,

which mark the mile point
where it has to turn around,

the Veyron has
another advantage.

Down here, its awesome brakes
should come into play.

And then there's
the air brake as well,

which on its own,
generates
the same stopping power

as you'd get
in a normal hatchback.

A straight line
is a straight line.

So the car does
what it does there.

But up here,
I've got to brake
as late as possible,

and lose as little time
as possible making the turn,

before the return mile.

So I reckon,
it'll be won or
lost here at this end.

Traction control off,
gearbox to manual,
launch control,

left foot on brake,
give it the full
beans on the throttle.

This is it!

MAN OVER RADIO:
Stand by one,
give me 20 seconds.

As drag races go,
you will agree,

this is quite a good one.

We are away!

We're neck and neck!

I'm getting away!

I can't believe I'm
looking in... Whoa!

I can feel the
whoosh from the jet!

And there it goes!

So I'm fighting for
the Germans in
a battle against the RAF!

If you're watching thinking,
"This is cool,"

it is.

After just 18 seconds,
I was doing 188 miles an hour,

and getting ready
to brake for the mile turn.

That's as late as I dare!

This is where
it's won or lost!

I'm on the return mile now!

This is the best race
in history!

If I mess this one up,
I may as well
get a paper route.

I was doing 196 miles an hour,
but was it enough?

I must still be ahead,
I can't see the plane.

No!

No!

I suspect I may get
some abuse for this.

-CLARKSON: You failed!

You are a vegetarian
and you failed
and you're useless.

Yes.

Gotta admit though,
it is quite a car.

Oh, it is staggering,
but what a plane!

And here is the guy
who flew it,
Squadron Leader Jim Walls.

CLARKSON: Well done!

Must have been terrifying.

-Well, it was because...
-Not you, him!

He had to wake up that
morning,
"What am I doing today?"

"Well, Richard Hammond's
coming,
he's driving in a fast car

"in a straight line on
a runway in the North!"

-Yeah.

He's not gonna go, "Can
I do nuclear war instead?"

So, well done,
mate, fantastic!

Next week, we are in Africa
for a Top Gear special.

Now, the three of us are
trying to drive across
the spine of the continent

in three ordinary, used,
two-wheel-drive road cars.

It is worth watching,
trust me!

See you then! Good night!