Top Gear (2002–…): Season 10, Episode 2 - Amphibious Car Challenge II - full transcript

Completed and Synced by: Z102@Finalgear

Tonight,

James May faces trial by water,

Richard Hammond faces trial by fire

and I drive a Ferrari

on the Moon.

Hello!

Hello, good evening.

Thanks very much.

Now,

ever since Honda dropped the NSX



a couple of years ago,

the Porsche 911 was the only supercar

if you can call it a supercar...

Which you can.

..was the only supercar

that you could use every day.

And it still is.

Well, you see,

No, it isn't.

Because now

there's a new kid on the block.

No, there isn't.

Audis are mainly built

for German cement salesmen.



Not this one, though.

This

is the R8.

It's made from a blend of carbon fibre,

magnesium

and aluminium.

It has two seats.

The engine's in the middle.

And it's about as high off the ground

as a badger's badger.

By any measure,

it's a full-on supercar, but,

so far as I can tell,

it doesn't have any of the usual

supercar drawbacks.

You can see out of it,

for a kick-off.

And it's not powered by some V17

quad turbo that does half a mile to the gallon

and runs on diced lions.

It's actually got

the same for 4.2-litre V8

that Audi put in the RS4 saloon.

And would you listen to it!

I am now doing

100 miles an hour

and it sounds like I'm in church.

Only I've got more headroom.

And how've they done that?

How can there be so much space

in a car that's so low? How?

I can only presume - and this is a revolting thought, I know -

that my buttocks

are actually kissing the cat's eyes.

Not only is it spacious,

but it's comfortable as well.

And at ?77,000,

it costs about half as much as its stepsister,

the Lamborghini Gallardo.

It all sounds brilliant.

But there are one or two issues

that are worth mentioning.

Most of the things on it:

the leather upholstery,

the satellite navigation,

stainless-steel pedals,

the Bang&Olufsen stereo,...

in fact, nearly everything

is an optional extra.

And I don't think it's a particularly

good-looking car. It's not

balanced properly

somehow.

And those LED

fairy lamps at the front

really don't work at all.

They make it look like a council house at Christmas.

The thing is, though,

you won't care about the headlamps

when you open the taps a little bit.

0-60

takes 4.6 seconds.

The top speed is as near as makes no difference,

190.

It's not the speed, though,

that impresses you most of all.

It's the way

this thing feels

through the corners.

Driving most supercars

is like trying to manhandle a cow

up a back staircase.

This is like smearing honey

into Keira Knightley.

It may have four-wheel drive, but

it never sends more

than a third of the power

to the front wheels.

You don't really ever

get any understeer.

Grip, grip, grip, grip...

And if it does let go,

it's just so manageable.

I'm, um...

I'm completely sold.

As far as I'm concerned,

this car is almost without fault.

It is absolutely

stunning.

Rubbish!

I'll show you stunning.

This is the best 911:

the Carrera 2S.

It costs about the same as the Audi

and will now run four rings round it.

Ah, Richard Hammond appears to have joined us in his

Volkswagen Beetle.

You wanna play?

Right.

Sport suspension on,

traction control off.

Here goes!

The thing is with that Audi

you're just not as involved in the drive.

It's like he's back at base

pushing plastic pieces around on a war-planning table.

And in this,

I'm in the front line,

getting stuck in.

He's probably rabbiting on in there about

how he feels an organic part of the machine.

But the simple fact of the matter is,

he's behind me.

Obviously, through the corners, I have the

four-wheel drive grip,

and then on the straights, his miserable flat six is

no match for this V8 tower of power.

Hold on.

I think his engine's broken. I can't hear it.

It's almost silent.

What's the point of having a supercar that doesn't shout about it all?

My driving letting us down there.

Mind you, Hammond's driving's also

letting him down.

Fearing that this would end up in a crash and a fireball,

we pulled over

for an argument.

Now, come on!

No, and it's not just about the result.

It's about the sensation along the way.

The problem with this, mate, is they put the engine

in the back,

OK? Wrong place.

No.

Horse and cart:

I know: let's put the horse at the back.

So, in your case, they put the horse

in the middle,

in the cart.

Yes, but it's balanced.

No, that is one of the defining characteristics of that car.

What?

Well, for one thing, it defines the shape,

which is incredibly aerodynamic.

For another, the packaging means, with the engine behind the rear wheels,

you've got room for another set of seats.

So you can use it.

Why do you want seats in the back?

I took the kids to school in that this morning

and drove straight here.

Well, I didn't,

so who's the daddy now?

I said, "Kids,

you gonna have to go with your mother because I've got no seats."

"Why's it got silly grey bits?"

Having resolved nothing,

we decided to settle it intelligently:

with a half-mile drag race.

Well, I've got about 70 brake horsepower less,

but it's lighter.

His four-wheel drive will bog down off the line.

I really want to win this cos

I really, really like this car.

I mean, a lot.

I've got the engine on the rear wheels, so I've got the advantage

in traction. I'm confident...

...ish.

I am ahead,

clearly.

He's definitely got better traction off the line.

Can't see him.

Where is he?

120, here we go.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Come on, come on, come on!

Who won?

I've no idea.

Now...

Now...

I don't know.

Neither do I, but we're going to find out.

Can we see

a slow-motion replay

of that finish, please?

Here we go.

Oh, yes! Clearly!

No! No!

No!

Oh, no, no, you lost.

That is an "L" for loser.

But very soon,

there's gonna be a V10 version of this.

Not the Lambo V10,

Audi's own. Then...

a-ha.

I wouldn't hold your breath.

Why?

Did you hear what happened to the prototype?

In fact...

We have a photograph of it here. If you look up...

That's on fire.

There it is: it's clearly on fire...

Just steam...

- Really?
- Yes.

- Would you like to see what happened once they'd put the "steam" out?
- Yeah...

There's the car after they put the steam out.

Oh, that's steamed, isn't it?

- It's steamed!
- Yes,

well steamed.

Can we just...

get on?

No, I tell you what, I'm going to settle this once and for all.

I'm gonna put it to the audience.

I'm gonna hold a general election

right here, right now. I am.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

This is a very popular car.

There's a ?30,000 premium on these, at the moment...

You go ahead if you want.

Actually, no, I've suddenly decided that a general election

right now is a stupid idea

because I might lose.

Why don't you just stay where you are

and nick all my ideas?

- That's a good idea.
- Yeah?

In fact, it was my idea to do just that.

- So it's a great car, fantastic...
- Brilliant car.

I've said that from the start.

We must now find out

how fast this

goes round our track,

and that means handing it over

to our tame racing driver.

Some say

that he's banned from the town of Chichester

and that in a

recent late-night deal,

he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno

from the Duke of Edinburgh.

All we know is,

he's called the Stig.

And he's off.

Track looking a bit damp today,

I hope that won't hurt the time as he powers down to the first corner.

Lights twinkling like a Woolworth's sale there...

Very smooth, very flat.

Lovely!

Remember, that you are always in control.

No feelings of tension,

irritability...

Stig seems to have got himself some self-help CDs as he

flicks it beautifully through Chicago

The chassis....

...really is sublime.

Let's see how it copes with Hammerhead now...

Slow in,

then...

back on the power.

No real drama there at all!

In these conditions, it's just...

excellent.

Be aware only of yourself

and have no concern

or the thoughts or expectations of your partner.

Look at that, straight through the follow-through,

no problem there...

Same engine as the magnificent RS4.

This is so much more nimble.

Dances through the tyre wall.

Ok, two corners left.

Staying level and focused...

There isn't a single moment's drama in it.

A bit of mud at the apex,

and there he is, across the line.

Now...

Now, earlier today,

Earlier today, the Stig, OK,...

he took the Porsche round, OK?

so we could get a time for that.

We've got some footage of it coming up, I think...

to the second to last corner here, yep.

There he is...

What you make of this, Richard?

Very good, very good.

Very strong stuff, as I'd expect.

No! Well, it's my idea to say, as I've always said,

the engine is in the wrong place in a Porsche and...

and that was...

It was never my idea that you'd stolen that.

- Nonono!
- It wasn't!

Well, he went round again, and he did it

in 1 minute

.2 seconds, OK?

Then he went out in the Audi.

1 minute

Twenty-four

.4 seconds.

I predicted that from the start,

obviously.

Will you now admit that that is a better car?

- Yes, I do...
- Yess!!!

Yeah, I know...

And now the news.

And i'm afraid we begin with an apology.

We are unable to bring you Jeremy's roadtest

of a Ferrari

on the Moon.

Yeah, unfortunately we have had

a call from the Director General of the BBC,

who said he had one or two issues with it.

I think that was the bit at the end when the Queen

stormed off the moon.

No, actually, the Queen

walked onto the moon.

No she didn't, she stormed off it.

It wasn't faked in any way,

we don't fake things.

Now,

you know McLaren

are working on a new supercar.

Well given whats happened in

Formula 1 this year

we've been able to speculate on what that will look like.

Here it is.

Yes, yes.

That's the 430 Scuderia.

It is yes.

And that's a kind of a new version

of the 430, and its a bit lighter

than the standard car, a bit faster.

It's got the flappy paddle gearbox on it, but it changes gear

even faster.

Which is all great, but it costs

?28,000 more than a standard 430.

I know, and it brings us back to those lightweight supercars

that we were reviewing last week, because

what really annoys me

is that you buy a Ferrari 430, and you think

this is as good as Ferrari can make a car

and then a couple of minutes later they come along and go "no actually this is".

But it's going to cost an extra ?28,000.

But if you give us another ?28,000

you'll have a car thats as good as we can actually make it.

Exactly right.

I think its a bit like that Sainsbury's Taste The Difference cheese.

That's like cheese?

- Hold on a minute...
- No...

No it isn't.

That's not cheese.

This is an analogy.

You go into Sainsbury's and you see cheese,

and it costs a certain amount of money,

but then next to it is Taste The Difference cheese

and its a little bit more expensive,

but it tastes really nice.

Lead a bachelor life.

No, but what I want to know is

why don't they just make all the cheese like that.

Or do they just make that cheese

then make some thats a bit worse,

price it lower, and say,

"Here's some rubbish cheese for poor people."

Hang on, I'm confused, so why...

Why are you on this program?

I'm right aren't I?

Why would you deliberately make the cheese

less good than you could make it?

Its a bloody Ferrari not cheese!!

This is exactly my point.

They've deliberately made the F430 less good

than they know it can be,

so they then bring out a more expensive one, and put

Taste The Difference on it and sell it in Sainsbury's!

Well they don't actually do that.

Now you've confused yourself you poor old goat!

Is it...? Sorry...

Right I'm moving it on.

James has plainly gone quite mad.

Were getting back to cars,

because that's where we're supposed to be.

There's a new

Mini estate car coming along,

they are calling it the Clubman,

it's got 5 doors,

but they're not where you might expect.

We've got a picture here, look:

We've got 2 at the back,

when you close those they make a line down in the centre of the car so you can't see out the rear view mirror.

Then you get 2 on this side,

and 1 on the other.

And you can tell it's German.

How?

Because,

if you pull up in Germany with that,

to let your children out of the back, the only back door,

they're on the curb.

But they don't switch it round

for right hand drive,

so if you pull up in Britain,

open the back door to let the children out, they're in the middle of the road.

so what were really saying is that British children

are less inmportant than German children.

That is the advertising slogan for that car.

- Is it?
- No.

I think thats a bit like Tesco's own brand beans.

There you go.

Yes May, you sit there in your armchair, love, they'll be round in a bit.

Love?

Shall we get on?

Fifth Gear news.

You know last week we revealed they'd burned our furniture?

well it turns out that this week

one of their presentors caught fire.

Jason Potato.

Plato.

Well actually baked potato now.

He was belting down the runway

at Bruntingthorpe, his car caught fire,

he was quite badly injured actually, he had to go to hospital,

he burnt his hand and his face, and we would

like to wish him a speedy recovery.

I'd just like to say "Thank you God."

Well, it's a Sunday show, he likes Top Gear more.

Yeah, God's on our side.

He sent His Son along this week, look:

Jesus has come.

has come amongst us!

The son of God does not go to Fifth Gear.

He doesn't.

That's never been said before.

Oh, now,

we've got a new car from America

launched this week, its called the

SSC Ultimate Aero.

There it is, 1,183 horsepower,

0-60 2.8 seconds,

and this week it set the fastest ever

speed

for a road legal car.

256 miles an hour,

can you believe it?

They say

the body is solely carbon fibre and weighs 131 pounds.

If you don't count the doors,

the bonnet and the boot.

I weigh 131 pounds,

if you don't count my arms and legs and head.

It also says it has a completely flat belly,

the only thing in America that has.

Yes, look hang on, we mustn't mock he Americans

too much because credit where its due,

they've done it, it is the fastest production car in the world, that's an achievement.

I bet this is rubbish.

Why?

I bet it is because the man who did the speed run in it

was 71 years old.

- Yeah, but that just proves how easy it is to drive. Any man can...
- No.

No, no, it shows they didn't have all that much faith in it.

Becase think about it what did the advert say?

Wanted:

elderly widower,

to drive a car were not very sure about.

Must have not much else to live for.

That won't be as good as a Bugatti.

I'm telling you now. It won't be as good.

Now I've got a thing here

from a company that makes brake discs

and brake pads and things.

They are urging us to all check our brakes and make sure thay are working properly because...

According to some statistics from the Department of Transport,

one in three accidents

happens

because a vehicle fails to stop in time.

I thought it was actually all accidents.

Lewis Hamilton.

What?

He had an accident because he didn't stop in time.

Did you see it last weekend?

Did you see it?

No.

Why weren't you watching?

Well...

don't have a go neither was he by the sound of it, he crashed it.

He's appalled, his tyres had gone and then it got much worse for him.

We found this on the internet, actually...

Stopped for petrol on the way home.

Oh, poor lad.

Bad day all round.

Shall we get on?

'cause we've got the most important

piece of news ever.

I know you probably imagine we go to wild parties

all week, we don't.

This week we went on the Internet,

and we found

this Porsche design website.

Now it's full of all the stuff you'd expect:

briefcases with Porsche written on them, wallets,...

... pens that you can buy for ?3 anywhere else

'cause they got Porsche written on them they're 3.5 million pounds each...

And it's all full of that complete rubbish,

and then we went into 'smoking tools',

and we discovered,

for the Porsche enthusiast...

And boy have you got to be an enthusiast.

Porsche designed pipe.

These are real, genuine,

they cost quite a lot of money,

but they come in 4 different colours and different styles...

I've spun off in my Porsche, look at that.

Mine won't start properly.

Of course it will, its a...

it's a Porsche, persevere.

Noo! What are you doing! Other way round you...

Its a 911 Porsche. Hot bit goes at the back.

You don't look right with that, but have you noticed,

over my shoulder.

Look at him I've never seen him...

With the chair, the pipe.

We're building up the perfect picture for you mate...

I think...

- next week...
- I'll tell you something.

You see he's pointing.

I haven't actually got anything to tell you

but I just wanted to point at you with my pipe,

like a pipesmoker... And i'll tell you something else.

Agh, God...

That's not gone well.

Jeremy.

Hold on.

Jeremy.

"Oo miue..."

Can I just get quite clear,

what you just did,

as a grown man,

was light a pipe,

and put the wrong end of it in your mouth.

What are you like on bonfire night?

You bloody idiot.

That isn't the end of the news, but we are ending it there.

It's time now to move on, so...

A couple of years ago,

the 3 of us were asked to make

amphibious cars.

And if we're honest,

it didn't go all that well.

James' Herald

was pretty good on the water but then

there were some problems on land.

Oh, cock!

Richard's dampervan was rubbish

on the land and then even more rubbish in the water.

It's going...

My Toybota on the other hand,

was brilliant everywhere,

right up to the moment when it...

rolled over.

Now that is pretty much par for the course

on Top Gear, were always setting ourselves

ambitious targets, asking,

"how hard can it be to...

... make a convertible people carrier,

or turn a Fiat Panda into a stretch limo.

And everything always ends up

either broken in half or on fire

or sunk.

And then we give up

and move on.

But with amphibious cars

the producers said no,

we had to try again.

They said,

"no more fooling about,

we had to concentrate",

we were told to refine

our original ideas and then meet

in a car park near Sidcup,

which is just outside London

on the M24.

- 5.
- M5, sorry.

25.

Jeremy was the first to arrive.

There we are. Now,

obviously,

my...

my original plan of simply bolting a very large

outboard engine to the back of a pick-up truck worked very well.

Until it rolled over.

So, to prevent that happening again, what I've done is

I've welded up the doors much more thoroughly this time -

that should

stop water getting into the cockpit

and sloshing from side to side.

In the back, I've fitted these

big drums, which, when I go in the water, I simply

lower them like this,

so they're like a sort of...

stabilisers on a

child's bicycle.

That should give me more...

[out of camera] Stability!

Yes, that.

Next, Hammond arrived.

Now, you see, Hammond...

Yes?

What you've done there, mate,

is you've parked a van

on top of a boat.

No, it's brilliant. Let me tell you,

it is a refinement of the theory.

Check it out,

flying bridge, completely equipped.

- It's not a flying bridge.
- More or less.

And this is where the girls go.

- Up here...
- No, Richard...

in bikinis.

I'm already seen a problem. Would you like to step down?

Yes.

Stand at the wheel.

Yes?

Look ahead.

Yeah, that is an issue.

I need a box, really. I need...

... a sailing box.

As before, Richard had stuck with the cabin cruiser principle.

And, as before, to make it move in the water,

he'd simply fixed a propeller

to the Volkswagen's rear-mounted engine.

So, as you're driving down the road,

this propeller is turning?

A bit.

Have you rung

the highways department and told them you're driving...

a car with, effectively, a blender on the back?

And there was another issue.

- This is your hull.
- Yes, it is.

These are holes in it.

Fibreglass. Yes, that's for the wheels to stick out.

I've seen

Titanic.

Got a hole in it. Sank.

Well, I've sealed them around the arch

with a bit of foam.

Oh, I see. So if Titanic had been filled with foam,

- Fine.
- it would've been here today?

But they didn't know that...

That technology - you can't knock them for that.

Fibreglass hull, predominantly.

Barely tips the scales at over five tons.

And the cooling?

Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, there's that...

Jeremy then showed off

HIS handiwork.

You've set fire to it by the looks of it.

There was a small fire.

What happened?

- The welding.
- Oh, yeah...

And then,

while waiting for James...

Oh, again, ambitious.

You're thinking of what to occupy yourself with whilst on the water.

Whilst YOU sink

again.

No, not this time.

- It will.
- It won't.

- It will.
- It won't.

- It will.
- It just won't.

Some time, much later,

James arrived

in a flurry of deja-vu.

It's the same vehicle.

The same car.

Well, not exactly.

Exactly the same car.

It is the same car, and the reason for that is, my car,

if you remember, worked.

It didn't.

- It did.
- Every time you got to a low bridge, your mast was...

Now, I have a collapsible mast.

And

I have a spinnaker

and I also have

a keel-cum-centre-board.

How did you get that underneath here?

You drop it down through the slot, like you do on a dinghy.

That's a whopper!

Have you seen this?

That's where the water will be.

The water will just simply... What's the word we're looking for?

Come through there.

- You'll sink before you put your bit of wood in.
- No, it won't.

Because I have calculated it,

- using Archimedes:
- What's a spinnaker?

When a body is wholly or partially immersed in a fluid, it experiences an up-thrust

equal in magnitude to the mass of the fluid displaced.

This won't work.

We'd soon find out.

Thank you so much. Here's our challenge.

Come on, then.

Is it bad?

Yes.

No, really bad.

Go on.

You will now drive to...

Dover.

No.

Not...

And then you will cross the Channel

to France.

That's just...

What's it? 22 miles?

He's not making it up.

Mine won't do that.

If I'd known it was the sea, I'd have fitted a bigger anchor.

This is not really a sea-going anchor.

And a longer chain.

Yeah, I'm not going to need that.

That will sink at around 30 feet.

I'm not sure. I reckon my new revised hull...

- We're all going to be killed.
- No!

No, we're not, because mine is essentially a dinghy,

and dinghies sail across the Channel every day.

I'm 47 years old.

I'm going to be run down by a Korean...

grain carrier,

minced...

Yeah, but what a day!

Before we could set off,

James had to take down his new collapsable mast.

Oh, timber!

Oh, my God! That's the lamp!

France, here we come.

What's it actually caught on?

The security camera.

So, would you admit that your design is already flawed?

No.

Finally, we were on the road

and it soon became clear that all the additions had taken the edge

off my "Nissunks" performance.

COME OOON!!!

Mind you,

Why was I hurrying?

I'm just gonna...

ring a solicitor,

do my last will and testament,

leave everything to the lifeboat people.

I can't believe they're asking us to go across the Channel in these.

I'm following Jeremy's pick-up and it looks like

a man with a pick-up who's stolen an outboard motor and a couple of oil drums

on the way to a fishing trip.

James, as usual, had fallen behind.

But otherwise, all was well in his world.

This is fantastic.

I absolutely cannot wait

to try out my Triumph Herald in its newly re-rigged form

and sail across the Channel.

Why shouldn't it work?

I had just one crumb of comfort.

This time, mine was working on the road,

but then the crumb went away.

Unfortunately, solving the not-floating problem with foam

means you get another one, which is choking.

Then

Jeremy arrived.

Hammond is being killed

and mine is...

Well, it's hard to know, is that smoke or...?

And we jolly sailor boys were up above...

- Well done.
- Oh, dear!

Yeah,

what you've done

is fill your engine bay with foam.

Hold on a minute.

And then, what it's done is...

catch fire.

How's your engine?

Ruined.

Every single

thing we do...

James! Where is he?

He isn't even here.

I don't know.

Hoping that the hot exhaust

would burn away all the foam

without it becoming a big ruinous fire,

we pressed on.

Oh, God! Look at the...

They are worse than they were last time on the road

and we've got a much bigger challenge on the water.

Mind you, after five miles,

Hammond was beyond caring.

It is like

the West Indian dope-smoking team

practising in the car.

Hello.

Eventually, the excess foam did burn off and soon

we arrived in Dover.

People are looking.

Yeah!

You know, one day, they're going to want one.

We would be launching

from the slipway once used

by the giant cross-Channel hovercrafts.

Spread before it

was Dover harbour

and beyond the safety of its walls,

22 miles of English Channel,

the busiest shipping lane

in the world.

The fishing rods!

Amazingly,

the only things that did actually break

on the Nissunk's journey to Dover

were all its brakes.

I'm telling you, James,

I cannot stop it.

I can't stop it.

By the time James had fixed his rudder,

we were running late.

And the tide was coming in.

It's ten to eight.

Yeah.

It's 22 miles.

IF mine works, that's...

25 minutes.

How fast do you think it goes?

40 knots.

Get off!

Have you seen the size of the engine on the back of it?

Your top speed?

Very slow.

Four?

Yeah.

And there's a three-knot tide.

It's a mile an hour.

Yeah.

And you?

20 knots?

No, James.

Look, the point is,

I'm the only one with even a vague hope of getting there before nightfall.

Why don't we just go when the tide's going out?

Then it'll help us.

That's a good idea.

That's tomorrow.

No, slack water.

Or slack water, yeah.

Slack water is tomorrow

at about one o'clock.

We shall go then!

Yes!

We'll go to the pub now.

Sound idea, yeah.

We'll go to the pub now, and then tomorrow, one o'clock,

that will be us at slack water.

'Cause the water is slack.

What's slack water?

Honestly,

crossing the Channel

has got to be

just about the stupidest idea ever.

It's one of those ideas where you had that sense,

"I'm going to end up today

with hyperthermia, attached to a stomach pump."

Awful, awful...

We were all so paranoid about sinking, that's why we

put all that foam everywhere to make them float better.

We wrapped it round the manifold,

round the exhaust,

round the engine,...

round anywhere really hot, basically

which is why there was all that smoke pouring out.

Anyway, it's now time to put a star

in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight was once suspended

from Channel 4 for using

the F-word

on live television

before the watershed.

I mean, for BLEEP's sake!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Jools Holland!

Oh, this is something!

Oh, lovely to see you.

It's like Richard Hammond,

so small and dinky.

Have a seat.

Thank you very much. I shall.

Now, you're the size of Richard Hammond...

Yes.

But looking into your past life...

Old British motorbikes,

you play the piano,...

You view foreign food with suspicion,

You say people shouldn't go abroad on their holiday,

should spend it in the shed...

Separated at birth, I think,

I think, from James May!

What a lovely fellow he is...

What a talented and...

great mind that man has...

It's... it's very hard, though, for me to reconcile these views

with how I first remember seeing you...

On The Tube, which was of course complete anarchy.

Well, that was on early, happy days,

I think in many ways that was the first

color television was put

into the hands

of the lunatics.

Now things have changed...

But... but...

It was the first time it sort of happened...

and...

We made it up as we went along,

and it was live and...

It was Friday, it was 5:30,

the pubs were open...

And you got to do all your interviews in a minute.

Well, that was the other thing,

They... because it was...

Youth television, I suppose,

beginning of youth television,

they thought everybody's attention span was like...

... that long, so you

only had a minute to do everything.

We had Miles Davis,

one of the greatest jazz legends of all time come up.

And he was...

He'd been promoting his drawings.

so...

He sat down, they said you've got a minute to interview him.

I thought, he's one of the biggest names in jazz...

ever. So, surely

You know,

He surely's worth more than a minute.

They said, all right, 1 minute and 20.

So go out and do it.

So I sat and I said to him,

"Well, Mr. Davis", he's just got these great...

sunglasses and...

"Sit down,

"Would you connect your

art

to your music?"

He said,

"Would I connect my art

to my music?"

"Yeeeah...

That's a good...

question."

And I'm thinking, "Please"... and I don't interrupt,

He said, "would I connect

my art to the music?"

And then the woman behind me,

very much like the one we have here,

probably they're doing it now, actually.

so, to make a short story,

They go like this and then she's going...

And then it's down to no time at all, and then it's like this, he said,

Yeaah...

30 years ago you were with Squeeze,

which was part of the punk era.

Do you miss the sort of... gobbing?

I mean... if this were 1978,

you'd just be spitting on us,

it'd be just a hailstorm of gobs...

Honestly, it was a compliment at the time.

It was?

And then...

Feel free to gob on us, then...

That was back in the day...

but then our manager said, "Well what you've got to do to congraciate yourselves with anybody who's doing that

He said, "Look there's some tins of beer at the side of the stage,

hand the tins of beer out."

So we did that

and once they'd had the beer they chucked the tins back.

You even met Joey Ramone.

Does anyone here know who Joey Ramone is?

Yes, that's one person and that's enough 'cause this is the BBC.

We don't go for ratings,

we're going for the one man over there.

What was it like?

We were playing in this club called Ceeby Jeebies,

which was a fantastic punk club and after we finished,

they said,

Ramone said, 'Do you want to come down to this club?'

Very nice place called K-Zee's.

We went there,

and I really have never been anywhere like it

before or since.

In every room there was an orgy

or some drug taking,

or some sort of obsurd scene, it was like this film,

like one of those strange films, like Caligula or something.

I'd never seen anything like it.

Anyway, I was standing, talking to

one of the Ramones.

I looked down and was very surprised to see that there was...

one of the womenfolk of New York

performing an act upon his person.

And do you know he rather lost interest in what I was saying.

Unfortunately, we must now stop...

... no, we cant, because, I'll tell you something...

you've got this new album out, yeah?

Well it's sort of the best of the collaborations

we've done, I've done lots of collaborations...

it's the best bands...

We've got a clip of it...

Just to show how many people

this guy actually plays with.

Sorry about the telly, but here we go.

Play the tape.

Everybody!

That's everybody!

My only regret

is that you're not there

playing the drums.

Trust me,

there would have been people wrapping their keyboards

if I had been trying to keep time.

Now, cars...

Motors, now you're talking.

The thing that fascinates me most about your cars is...

I heard that you choose a car on how it smells.

Oh, very important.

For instance, I've got an Austin Westminster

bought entirely because of its smell.

1965, as used by the police.

I don't know how they ever caught anybody in it, but...

And as you

wind down the window just this much,

and then...

Law and order, 1965.

Beautiful!

That's what it smells of?

Exactly, yeah.

So, what other cars have you got?

I have an old Aston Martin, they're quite fun.

You've got an E-type, too...

An E-Type, I've always loved...

I always liked Jags.

I thought Jags were so...

were so kind of wonderful to drive.

The V12 Jag engine is,

to this day, the smoothest engine

that there has ever been.

I've done the

thrupenny bit test on all of them.

You get the thrupenny bit,

you place it

on top of the engine.

This thrupenny is not rhyming slang... we're talking about...

That's right!

Oh, it matters little.

What an amazing thing to do!

Whatever comes to hand.

Yeah, what a test.

It'll stand there

and you can rev it up, and it doesn't bat an eyelid.

You're a member of a great many classic car clubs,

as I understand.

Let's see now. Well, the E-type Club, of course. The Jag, you know,

You know, Philip Porter.

The Rolls-Royce enthusiasts.

The Bentley Drivers' Club. Very good

for spare parts.

And you can get a Bentley Drivers' Club dressing-gown,

which you can only...

You can get a Porsche pipe!

Only recognisable by another Bentley Drivers' Club person

if you're in dressing gowns together.

That's a real worry, now you said that!

I must introduce you. You must come out with us one evening.

Come along to one of our Noggins and Natters,

and cheese niblet evenings we have.

Anyway, listen. Your lap.

Your first attempt, not that good.

Who'd like to see

his very first attempt to the lap? Yes?

Let's have a look at this., here we go...

Coming out to the first corner,

a lot of speed being carried in that I would say.

Yes.

I just thought...

I just like the way you kept going

'cos actually I don't think the brake lights went on.

There didn't seem any...

Can we can play that again? Here we go...

No, look!

This is fine!

Let's get out of here, exactly.

I'm very much built for comfort, not for speed.

I have to say that any man who drives with that kind of

enthusiasm and bravery,

will possibly get a good lap out there.

- Well, I don't know, I was rather nervous...
- Good.

Shall we have a look at the lap?

Aye, aye. Here we go, play the tape.

It's a good aggressive start.

I wanna see the first corner.

Did you learn your lesson?

It's still pretty quick.

Oh no, braking in there, that was quite brave...

Just said that before the watershed.

I'd forgotten that I was being mic-ed up in there.

Did you like the car?

It was fanta... What a car!

- Isn't it?
- Yeah.

Wait...

there's a gear there somewhere.

Somewhere exactly.

Ha! We saw you looking.

And into the Hammerhead.

The Hammerhead, yes.

That's very good.

That's excellent.

That's a...

That's a properly good line through there.

Well...

Now coming up to the Follow-through.

Flat through there? Were you flat out?

That was quite frightening, that part...

It is quite frightening.

And that's why it's called the "Followthrough"...

And through the tyres.

Yes, it's looking good.

That's the second-to-last corner, most people get it wrong.

You've held it on nicely.

Coming up to the last corner...

And there we are,

across the line!

Now, where do you think

you came on the

Board of Shame?

The Board of Shame where I've always dreamed of being.

Yeah, well...

- Well...
- Look here...

This is the keyboard man.

I think I've...

I think my birthday's around the same time as him,

so I'll put myself in next,

in Keyboard Corner there.

Keyboard Corner?

No, you're way faster than that!

Delighted to say

you did it

in 1

.09

Ladies and gentlemen, that is a quick time.

It is...

There!

Not... Surely...

Surely not faster than Steve Coogan.

Faster than Steve Coogan,

that's a very good time.

Anyway, it's been just great fun having you.

It's been lovely here, I've enjoyed it...

Squeeze, and The Tube and music,

and cars as well.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jools Holland!

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much, that's great.

OK,

now back to tonight's big challenge.

The three of us have built amphibious cars.

We've driven them down to Dover

with only one or two small fires

to contend with on the way.

When we left the action

we were preparing to sail them across The Channel

to France.

The last time we tried amphibious cars,

we were flummoxed by a small reservoir in Staffordshire.

This time we faced not just 22 miles of open sea,

but the busiest shipping lane in the world.

Nevertheless,

we were due to set sail

at something called slack water.

It was lovely morning

and the sea inside the harbour

was calm and inviting.

Outside the harbour though...

Despite the roughness,

Captain Cocksure was supremely confident

in his engineering, and eager to get going.

Hammond and I, however,

weren't.

Have you ever considered

the meaning of life?

No, but I...

I think we should.

And now's the time.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

This is ready...

I've checked it for water tightness,

and got all the sheets,

which is the correct nautical term for these pieces of string,

in the right position.

It's all absolutely...

shipshape and ready to go.

How many grains of sugar are there?

That's exactly what I would...

You know, because...

We say blythly, "I'll have one sugar."

How many are there?

One...

Yeah.

Two.

- ... 118...
- ... two...

... 119...

... three...

Have you started again?

Yeah, I lost count.

I want to get it right.

We have to go.

That thing's gonna leave, then the harbour's empty. I want to go.

Finally,

they arrived back.

You're two and three quarter hours late!

A lot of stuff to do.

Slack water is in...

Now.

In the sea.

Listen, before we set off,

I've just got...

two more things to do.

The night before,

while a bit drunk

I'd stuck hydrofoil bin lids

to the side of my pick-up

and I needed to make sure the glue had set.

But James wouldn't wait.

Right, I'm going.

He's going!

- He's off.
- He's going.

He's doing it!

It's a car...

It's still a car.

It's a...

boat?

Sail, jib sail.

You're coming back now,

it's a car again.

Centreboard.

- He's got no rudder...
- It's that way!

- He's got no rudder in the water.
- Oh, yeah...

And Dame Ellen May

had another problem.

My centreboard's stuck.

He's got further that way

than he has that way.

I'm enjoying this.

I was so preoccupied

with my centreboard,

I wasn't looking where I was going.

Oh, my...! He's gonna hit the pier!

Yes, he's hit the pier...

Here comes the rescue boat.

He's been rescued after what...?

a minute and a half?

It's so unfair!

The rescue boat nudged me back to open water,

where I discovered my Archimedes calculations

were a bit out.

I would say that car's sinking as well.

Mayday!

He's going down, I think we should get in there.

This can only go well.

Here we go.

Oh, yeah!

Once again,

the pick-up truck is working.

Yes!

It works!

I am floating!

Amazingly,

all three of us were floating.

Well, when I say three...

It's going down!

Richard offered to pick James up,

but he had a problem.

You can't stop.

No, I can't stop the engine.

See you then!

Oh, bloody hell!

Do you want to come on this boat?

Up to a point, yes.

Will you admit it's a brilliant piece of design?

No.

Bugger off.

Goodbye!

Richard and I

returned to land

because...

we wanted to be there,

to offer James

reassurance and sympathy.

You designed

a rubbish car and you know

nothing about sailing.

Amazingly, however,

James insisted that his Herald

and the snapped mast

could be fixed.

and so, with help from me

and Jeremy...

two hours later,

he was back in business.

Here we go.

Let's go!

This is absolutely brilliant.

I'm actually using my weight

to counter

the roll of the craft.

Is that your top speed?

I'm flat out.

Even so,

I was a lot faster than James.

So Jeremy and I left him behind

and pretty soon

we were at the mouth of the harbour,

facing the open sea.

That's choppy out there.

I can't do that.

Not in a van!

Mate, it's horrible!

Maybe if we snuck up on it...

Yeah.

Sneak up on the sea!

That's brilliant.

Meanwhile,

back with Captain Pugwash...

Sod it!

Right now, sail.

We were leaving the harbour.

You can't see what's coming, I can!

I can just see sky, sea,

sky, sea...!!!

My God,

this is big now.

Quite scared.

Quite scared.

Quite...really scared.

Why the bloody hell won't it turn round?

BLEEP thing.

Whoa, it's coming through the sunroof...

I'm gonna try and turn.

Bloody hell!

These are quite big.

Don't like that.

Don't turn on a wave!

Wait...

or something.

I don't know, I got scared.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no...

In seas like this,

and with my puny power,

I bravely decided

to head back to the harbour.

And then Jeremy

bravely followed suit.

Mayday!

Is it not working well, James?

Have you ever heard of the milk of human kindness?

Well, prepare to suckle on it.

Thank you.

Sorry, mate.

As Jeremy rescued James,

I realised that the big seas

had damaged my precious craft.

My steering's broken.

I just go in faster circles.

I was stuck...

in the entrance to the harbour.

Oh my God, there is the Seacat.

He can move.

But he continued on course

and now James was a sitting duck as well.

No time to lose.

What do you want me to do?

Just nudge the front gently back to port.

I can't get in!

Come on, onto the helm!

I can't do gently.

That's not round, that's backwards,

you pillock.

I don't wanna go that way now!

Go left!

And then...

Oh, not another one.

Never in maritime history has a ship had to dodge

so much flotsam and jetsam

while coming into Dover.

Sorry...

It was him. Sorry.

Sorry.

And this made us be in trouble.

Morning, officer.

Yeah, fine thank you,

everything is under control.

We were ordered back to land,

but getting there

wasn't easy.

Mate, my engine is letting go.

It's dying.

There's no doubt about it.

The Herald was towed back...

again.

Gently!

And I pulled Richard in.

That's humiliating.

So we set out for France...

... twice...

Yeah.

And...

We made Dover.

James's boat was now

beyond repair.

But, luckily, Jeremy was on hand

to comfort him.

You failed!

Thank you!

Third attempt, here we go...

Today the wind had dropped

and the sea was much calmer.

We're going to France

this time, we are going.

I was now powered by an outboard

I'd bought from Jeremy for a million pounds,

and James was my cabin boy.

If you'd go below, please, would you?

- cabin boy, and a cup of tea.
- Right, sir.

Oi, Prescott!

I'll have a bacon sandwich.

Richard's million-pound outboard wasn't exactly gutsy,

so, in the spirit of the sea

and in keeping of the maritime code,

I gunned it

and left them behind.

Oh, she's riding the waves

like a twig.

Meanwhile, back on the cabin cruiser...

Bloody hell!

Mate?

What?

There's quite a lot of water, it's up to...

Oh, not again.

As you can see this morning the sea is

a mill pond.

We hope to capitalise on that and make good progress

before the waves build up,

which they inevitably will.

This is the third time I've been in this...

- ... ruddy sea.
- Yeah.

Technically, it wasn't my fault.

I'm disappointed,

I thought we were gonna make it.

Sorry, mate, the cup sank.

With typical good grace,

Jeremy came back to pick us up

and then announced

we'd have to go back to Dover.

This seemed like a waste of time,

but as we lined up for our fourth attempt

his reasoning became clear.

A couple of years ago Richard Branson set a record

for crossing The Channel in an amphibious car.

One hour,

40 minutes,

six seconds.

And...?

No way!

It's an average speed

of 10.8 knots.

I say we go for it,

we give it a shot?

In Calais for lunch.

Beardy, you're going down.

Guys, can I ask one question?

What?

Where's France?

We follow the ferry,

but not the one going to Holland.

Soon the three men in a boat

were an incredible two miles from England.

And since we were going for a record,

we had to work out our speed.

This is our speedometer:

We've tied knots in a rope,

you throw it in

and you see how many pass through your fingers

in a given time.

'It's a very accurate system.'

Captain,

about 110 knots.

110, now,

what's that in miles an hour?

125.

Because we were blasting along at a steady 125mph,

we had a visit from the coastguard.

This is the UK coastguard aircraft,

please state your intentions.

Our intentions are to go across The Channel

faster than beardy Branson.

In that case,

I wish you good luck and bon voyage.

I want to do that for a job!

That's brilliant and then all you do is

jump out and wrestle Albanians.

Amazingly,

our vessel ploughed on without mishap

and then...

Land ahoy!

Look!

France!

We can see France

from our pick-up truck.

Mind you, Jeremy,

do you wanna be depressed?

What?

Look at England.

Boldly going further than any pick-up had gone before

we were soon in the shipping lanes.

Bloody hell!

what do we do now?

I can't remember whose right of way it is.

That's on a constant bearing as well,

which means we're gonna hit it.

Oh, God, no!

Do you reckon I'll maybe go behind it?

Yeah, I'd go behind it.

Yeah, yeah, I think behind it is best.

Having missed all the big, scary boats

we turned our attention back

to Branson's record.

Ready, ready...

one hour

40 minutes coming up...

now.

We've failed!!

We lost.

Now it was just a question

of seeing if we could make it.

But with eight miles to go,

it started to get choppy.

We're going down, boys.

Nooo!

It's pouring in!

Oh my God, look in there now.

I don't like that!

We're in big trouble!

I Don't like that, don't like this!

Things were even worse

at the back.

We're taking on a hell of a lot of water.

So we sent James to the front

to act as ballast.

I'm getting a bit bored with sinking,

frankly.

Mercifully,

as we got into the lee or...

something or other,

the waters calmed

and we could taste success.

The town of Sangatte

was about to get

three more immigrants.

Never mind that we'd aimed for Calais and missed.

France is France.

Come on!

Come on!

We're 20 yards from France.

To succeed, we had to get up

the boat ramp,

but that meant going through the breakers.

No!

Nooo!!

Where's that come from?

I really thought

we were gonna tip over.

We're on the rocks.

We're going up the beach now.

Skilfully,

James got a rope round the front bumper

and then, a gap in the waves,

I went for it.

Nooo!

That's good.

The pick-up

had landed.

Merci bien!

Finally...

Finally,

we got something right!

Can you believe it.

We got something right.

Hang on a minute, though.

Because we've made this chart of

Channel-crossing solutions

and ours doesn't come out that well

- No,
- ...to be honest.

it really doesn't, let's look at the cost:

first of all,

the tunnel costs ?120.

On the ferry...

?40.

Our amphibious vehicles...

just under ?19,000.

This is a good point, well made.

It gets worse.

Let's look at the time taken:

On the tunnel, 35 minutes.

On the ferry,

90 minutes.

For the amphibious vehicles...

that's just about...

4 ? days.

Yes, but the beauty

of the amphibious vehicle here

is that you can reuse it.

So in just...

What?

120 crossings

it would pay for itself.

But the thing is, Jeremy,

at 4 ? days per crossing,

to do 120 crossings,

you'd have to do

nothing other than go backwards and forwards across The Channel

for a year and a half

before it's paid for itself.

Another good point.

And, as we've proved,

you've got a two-in-three chance

of sinking anyway.

So what we're saying

actually is that...

we've once again been ambitious,

but rubbish.

That's what we're saying. Yeah.

And on that bombshell,

it's time to end the show.

We'll see you next we... no, we won't

see you next week, actually,

'cos some drunk men are here

to play billiards,

But we'll see you the week after that

Thanks for watching,

Good night!