Top Gear (2002–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Britain's Fastest Faith Race - full transcript

Top Gear Series 01, Episode 07
English Subtitles by /u/Stigmacher

In tonight's Top Gear,

a rock star in our
reasonably-priced car,

I learn how to drive
a Lotus Elise properly,

and it's religious racing
as we find the fastest faith.

So it's a riot of fun and games,

but the theme of the show
tonight is the environment.

Yeah, I know, but you see, the thing is,

what we're gonna try and do is

balance our love of the
car with a need to be green.

And that's why we, earlier this week,



put a camera over the M4 Bus Lane

to try and work out what it's for.

I mean, obviously the
Government must've done research,

they must have worked out
there was a need for it,

obviously.

Or they wouldn't put all
the cars in those two lanes

that would be the work
of a madman to do that,

unless there were a lot of buses.

Well, there we are.

We're gonna play this
throughout the show,

and if any one of you
sees a bus coming along,

do shout out, okay?

Feel free, okay? Good.

Yeah. Okay.



Well, while we're waiting... Bus.

What? Bus.

Where? There is something.

There is something coming, and it's a..

It's a bit small.

That's not a bus, that's an ambulance.

False alarm!

Panic down, but be ready, okay?

While we're waiting to spot a bus,

this is the new Saab 93,

it is a competitor for the
Audi A4 and the BMW 3-Series.

But because it's a Saab,
because it's Swedish,

it's that bit more cuddly, more friendly

than those more aggressive
German competitors.

And that makes it the
perfect car to look at

in tonight's caring, sharing Top Gear.

But don't worry,

there's gonna be no nonsense with
spinning wheels or any of that,

because I'm gonna drive this
in an eco-friendly manner.

This 2L T Model may have 175 horsepower,

and do 0-60 in 8.5 seconds,

but don't worry, because
I'm going to travel to work

following the Government's
official guidelines

on commuting in an eco-friendly manner.

We should, and I quote,
steady out a speed.

They suggest 50mph is
being the most economical,

and in fact, it probably is.

Righty-ho then, 50mph it is.

And it's not bad at 50mph.

It's quite a firm ride, but sportily,

so it's not unpleasant.

That's not very economical,
it's going quickly.

Now all right, the Saab
does share a lot of its

bits and pieces with
the Vauxhall Vectra,

but they have put their own engines in

and their own suspension setup.

It's not the sharpest
feeling piece of kit,

but you do get a
solid, premium car feel,

and that's what it's about,
that's what it's gotta be.

It was gonna compete with
Audi, BMW, and Mercedes,

which is what they wanted to do.

The 2L T has a 2L engine and a turbo,

and it's a light-pressure turbo.

A very very light-pressure,
so light it's hardly there.

Over about 3,500 revs, it goes...

And that's it.

I don't want light-pressure turbos,

I want great big stonking
huge heavy-handed turbos

that throw you through the seat.

But then, to do so would
be very uneconomical,

and against our guidelines.

Now obviously, it's
capable of far far more,

we could do speed in excess of...

Ooh, well, it can certainly do 60.

But that'll be crazy.

But if you are gonna let rip
and explore speeds beyond 60,

make sure you do it
before you get to that

great Government invention
- the bus lane.

Here we go. Bus lane.

Apparently there are as many as
2 buses an hour come along here,

so that's worth cordoning off 50% of

the available road space permanently.

Great thinking.

It's funny, at a time
when BMW have introduced

their iDrive, the system
on the big 7-Series,

where you get one big
knob to control everything.

It's not the driver,

it's a big knob, literally,
on the centre console.

In here we've got an
old-fashion approach,

where we've got a button, a switch,

a knob, or a dial for everything.

I've counted 98 separate
controls in this car. 98!

And all those buttons give you control

over an impressive array of toys.

Air-conditioning, car computer,
cruise control, and CD player.

All fitted as standard.

But our guidelines have
something to say on that matter.

They tell us that, unfortunately,

all onboard electrical devices,
particularly air-conditioning,

shouldn't be used unless
absolutely necessary.

Because they waste precious fuel.

So, uh, unfortunately, handy
that all of that stuff is,

I'm gonna make sure we don't use it.

Stay friendly, 'cause that's
what the Government tell us.

That should do it.

A shame, really.

I'd love the air-con.

It's getting a bit muggy in here.

In fact, it's pretty
good value for money.

At 21,500 pounds, it's over 2,000 pounds

cheaper than the
nearest Mercedes or BMW.

And you can sit and dream about

how to spend all that money you've saved

whilst you're stuck at the lights.

And...stationary.

Now, I follow the guidelines,
I switch my engine off.

Which is great. Lovely.

There's a rumour here in London
that the Mayor, Ken Livingston,

is actually rigging the traffic lights

to cause maximum disruption so the

people are more accepting
of this congestion charge,

and that when he brings them in,

it can change the lights
so everything moves.

Cheers, Ken!

Oh, lights are changing.. Uh.. uh..

Started, pointed forwards..

Changed. That's it.

That was my 8-second launch window.

Of course, it is only a
rumour, and his people deny it.

They say that the traffic
lights have been changed

to avoid too much congestion in
areas during times of road works.

Well, that's everywhere!

All the time, isn't it? Surely!

They also deny that it's
causing traffic chaos.

What's this then?

They say that drivers will
find alternative routes.

Where?! In the sky?

2 minutes' red, 8 seconds' green. Nice.

And we can just sit here
at the traffic lights,

as our life ebbs slowly away.

Well done.

No whales were harmed in
the making of that item,

we've made that absolutely plain.

But, you forgot to tell
us what the car was like.

Yeah, I did miss that bit out.

Bus. What?

Bus. Good lord.

No, that's a coach.

A bus is a big smelly thing full of
old ladies going to the post office.

That's taking businessmen
from Heathrow into London.

Doesn't count.

Yeah, the car. It's just a bit bland.

All Saabs use to be quirky
with wrap-around windscreens

and big slabs of dash and all of that.

But this is just.. It's just a car.

It's nothing.. Got a
clever engine, though.

It's got a very clever
engine, for instance,

if you're driving through
really heavily-polluted cities,

L.A., Denver, places
like that. Birmingham.

Yeah, Birmingham as well.

The stuff that comes out of the exhaust

is actually less toxic than
the air going in at the front.

Really?

Yeah, it's because
the catalytic converter

on the light-pressure turbo like this

is so clever and so efficient that,

all the muck coming out of all
the cars around you in the traffic,

it'll take out some of the
bits and pieces from that.

So basically, if you turn this
car's engine off at the lights,

you're harming the environment?

Yeah. It's very neglectful
of you to do that, in fact,

which is weird, but straightly true.

These Government guidelines
don't work, do they?

They don't work anyway,
I mean I was lucky

not to be punched in
the face by a van driver

waiting to get away of
those lights, anyway.

You missed, you missed your window.

Well, yeah, you got 8 seconds
of green, 2 minutes of red.

You're like a sniper waiting
for 2 days to take a shot.

You missed it. Yeah.

Okay, well look, let's
forget about how to drive,

let's concentrate on what to drive.

We'll be doing that
later in the programme,

but for now, the News.

This week, news from
Daihatsu of the new Copen,

which obviously stands
for Coupe that Opens.

Um, and this is the car of the future.

Couple weeks ago we talked
about the Smart Roadster.

Yeah. Yeah, this as well,

little 660cc turbocharged engine,

folding roof, a bit like the SLK.

The only problem that
I might see with it is

they look like they're gonna be
about 14 grand if they import it.

14? 14.

And the Smart was.. 12.
Well, starting from 12.

So it is 2 grand too much.

It's not decided yet whether
they're gonna import it.

I wouldn't bother.

It's every ugly and too expensive.

That's gonna kill it.
Sorted that one out.

Last week there was a bit of issue

about Jeremy's Mercedes SL55 AMG.

Which you stole. Yeah, we kinda did.

Which you stole. And do
you know what's really funny

is we've had I don't know
how many emails, hundreds,

from people saying that the car that was

driven around the track
by The Stig wasn't mine.

The thing.. No, really, the thing was,

when I drove it in the road test,

I changed my plate, I put 'SL55 AMG' on,

so no one knows what my number plate is.

Did you bother changing the plate?

No, not really.

You did steal my car.
Yeah, pretty much.

So if we can just clear that up.

But there's more news here.

That's left you down-hearted,
this won't cheer you up at all,

because now, there's a better one.

Brabus, German tuning house.
You've heard of them, probably.

They brought out the K8,

basically it's gonna be
about 75 brake horsepower

even more than before,

it's tricked up with great wheels,

and, I mean, that,
that is a big mean car.

Is that gay? Oh, no.

Who thinks that's gay?

That's still gay?! Sorry, Jeremy.

How much that's gonna
cost then? How much?

It doesn't make any difference,
how much it's gonna cost.

It's gay.

I want to talk about safety.

I think a lot of people think that

all cars are about the same.

They all have to past
the same kind of test.

But actually, they're not.

There's an organisation
now, called Euro NCAP, okay?

And they test loads
of cars and grade them.

They're independent, on our behalf.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Stars.

And so far, the only
cars that got 5 Stars

are the Renault Laguna and
the Mercedes C-Class, okay?

But they've just tested 18 more cars,

and 4 of them have got 5 Stars.

And they are, this is
important, you should know this.

Mercedes E-Class,
the Renault Vel Satis,

which we looked out last week,

the Renault Megane, 5
Stars for a Renault Megane,

and the Saab 93 which
you've been driving.

That's true. So not only is
it good for the environment,

it cleans the air if you
go through a mucky city..

It's not just the air, that thing,

that will suck rabies backs in.

Clean them up, nice and fluffy,

shoot them out at the back
end, no rabies on them.

The thing is, with those cars,
if you look to those cars,

you wouldn't obviously
think, would you? A Vel Satis?

Well, a Megane, you wouldn't
look at a Renault Megane

and think, is that safer
than the Mercedes S-Class?

They also test for pedestrian safety,

you know, if you
actually run into someone.

And all of them do either
badly, or very badly,

or in the case of the Suzuki
Grand Vitara, appallingly.

It got no Stars.

So basically, all right,
if you find yourself

in the middle of a dual-carriageway,

there are 2 cars coming toward you,

you know you're gonna be run over,

if one of them is a Suzuki Grand Vitara,

go for the other one.

Just being serious, if I
may, for a moment, because..

I never use to worry about
safety at all until I had kids,

and NCAP actually do test that
they put child seat at the back

and test 18-month-old
babies and 3-year-olds

to see how they survive and

how well they're looked
after if you have an accident.

And most of the cars they've
tested have done very well,

but one they picked
out as being very good

is the Subaru Legacy Outback.

I mean, if you look at that,

it's not an obvious choice, is it?

If you're thinking,
"I've got children now,

I need to put them somewhere safe,"

you'd go a Volvo, a
Mercedes, or a big 4x4.

But that is actually singled out,

its child seat has been very very good

in both side impacts and frontal ones.

So there we are.

Right.

Has anybody seen about transport
minister Alistair Darling,

bless him, has been saying
what we need is a Hole Tsar.

A what?

Because of all the holes on the road,

because of all the disorganisations,

I think it was in London, on the Strand,

about 160 poles in
the road in 12 months.

They don't organise it, and as a
result, traffic congestion chaos.

Well, it's funny that
comes in the same week that

we've heard that the
average car journey,

the average journey by
car is now 16% slower,

it's taking people 16% longer to

make the same journeys in their cars.

Than it was 4 years ago?

Yeah, and I know it's a bit surprising.

No, no, it isn't, I mean
the school run I have to do,

not in London, it's
from outside Oxford into

the centre of Oxford, most
car-friendly city in Britain,

well, second most car-friendly,

that's 18 miles, an hour and a half.

The point be, and the
interesting point be,

how much do you think the
traffic has increased by?

The volume of traffic to achieve that?

So journeys, 16% longer..

How many more cars do you
think there are on the roads?

Come on, guess.

2. 2% more? Or 2 cars?

You fool! That wouldn't do it!

You're wrong. Shall
we say how many more?

I'm gonna tell ya. None.
It's exactly the same.

And yet journey time
is that much slower,

and that's because of all the stuff..

That's why! That car would've
been doing 70 in that lane,

now he's having to do 40 because of..

Ooh, there's something coming.

It's a taxi, and another taxi, and
another taxi coming in from Heathrow.

This is the problem.

And now, have you seen the latest scam

they've got with bus stops?

You know it's used to be a
lay-by the bus pull into, okay?

So that the old ladies
could get on. Yeah.

Well now, they're building
bus stops out into the road.

Why? This is the latest idea,

because the bus drivers were saying that

no one was letting them out.

So now we have to wait while she did it,

"Oh, I've got me towel
in the shopping trolley.."

Anyway, before I.. What?

Do I travel a lot..?
What are you thinking?

I went on a bus once,
I was 8. It was hideous.

Top Gear Series 01, Episode 07
English Subtitles by /u/Stigmacher

There's been a lot of talk
just recently in America

about what Jesus would have driven.

We're not interested in that, actually.

Not even slightly.

What we're interested in is finding

the fastest religion around our track.

So, would you look at
what we've got here.

You, sir, are from
the..? Catholic Church.

Catholic Church, and you're..?
Father Simon Thompson.

Right, now, what do
you drive? A Seat Leon.

A turbocharged Seat
Leon. Cupra turbo, yeah.

And you've had it chipped.

Well, I've got the touch up paint. Yeah.

No, you've had it chipped from
180 to 206 brake horsepower.

One fast priest, I would say.

Now, you sir, I'm
guessing, Rabbi? Correct.

Rabbi...? Pinnie Dunat.

Great name. Pinnie Dunat.

And what do you drive?

I drive a Vectra, I'm sorry.

You did know what we were
planning on doing here?

I did.

Um, any crashes?

A few.

Talk us through them.

I've turned over a Honda,

I've crashed a 2CV,

I backed out of my drive
into somebody's car.

That's just 3 that I
can think of off hand,

but I've crashed a few more times.

And what we've learned is that
you've never had a good car,

actually, from that little lot.

Now, standing alongside you is, uh,

Ngakpa Lama Regsingh
Takelung Rolpuhyee Dijoge..

I'd no idea you're so fluent in
Tibetan, that's quite amazing.

What's your email address with that?

Can I call you Regzin? Oh, please, yes.

Fine. Now you're .. Buddist? Good, yes.

Good. And you drive a
.. ? Renault Scenic.

Renault Scenic. You've any accidents?

I .. I may be the only
person who's ridden off a car

in a motorway service area.

Really? How did you manage that?

Well, I got a bit disoriented.

I only stopped for a pee,

and I walked through
the door with the picture

of the man wearing a skirt.

That's true. And leaving in a hurry,

I was still kind of revolving
this incident in my mind,

And I met with one of those, you know,

rogue lampposts that
you do occasionally.

In the thing. Well,
how annoying is that.

So now we move on to .. the
Reverend Anthony Felton White.

Representing the ..? Church of England.

Church of England.

Now actually, you are a bit of
a dark horse here, aren't you?

Uhm, not exactly. I wouldn't say so.

But you actually race cars.

Only some 3 or 4 times a year, yes.

It's still racing. What
is it called? Your racing?

Revelation Racing.

"Glorifying God through
competition in motorsport."

Absolutely, absolutely.

Well, good on you. Thank you.

Now I know that it's already
someone from the Church of England,

But we couldn't resist it
when at the last minute,

We were contacted by a ..? Bishop.

A bishop. I mean, we had to say yes.

When bish rings, you go, "well,
we've gotta have you onboard."

So you are Right Reverend
Wallace Benn from .. ?

From.. I live in Eastbourne,

But I'm the Bishop of
Lewes, which is East Sussex.

Bishop of Lewes, okay.

Now, member of the Institute
of Advanced Motorists.

Yep. This isn't gonna help.

Shuffling your arms around
won't help here, okay?

Has to be all that, okay?

Now, the thing is, they've all
already been around the track

along with a guy from the Hare Krishna,

But sadly, he can't be here today.

And nor, as you've probably noticed,
have we got a Muslim in that,

It's 'cause it's Ramadan.

But when Ramadan is over,
do please get in touch,

We'd love to put you in the
same sort of car, same track,

See how you get on.

Anyway, we'll be seeing how you
guys get on a little bit later.

And you know, I really
can't wait for that.

But let's get back to
the environment for a bit,

and talk about diesel.

Now we don't blame anybody
for buying a diesel-engine car.

Okay, so the fuel might cost
about the same as petrol,

But you'll get much better economy.

And the engines themselves
have come on a very long way.

For instance, the TDCi diesel
engine in this Ford Focus.

Great. It's a really good useable
everyday car, and it's a diesel.

Need something bigger? BMW 5-Series.

The 3-litre diesel engine
in there, I kid you not,

At 90 mile-an-hour, you'd
never know it was a diesel.

Need something even bigger?

Completely clueless
about contraceptional,

Want a people carrier?

The new Citroen C8. It's great.

It's got a really cool and
funky interior, it's very clever,

It's very big and spacious and comf...

You comfy in there like that? Yeah.

Ah, good. But the most
interesting thing about this is...

Top Gear hasn't been renowned for
its love of diesels over the years,

And yet, the version of this, the
C8, that we'd advise you to go for,

Is the diesel-engine one.

So 3 very different cars
with very different purposes,

But all diesels and all very good.

So what's next for diesel?

This is the Peugeot RC.

Possibly the world's first
proper diesel sports car.

And since there's only one in existance,

Peugeot were a little nervous
about the Stig having a play.

So they sent down their
own man, Richard Burns.

The RC has all the
sports car credentials.

Carbonfibre body, mid-mounted engine,

A 6-speed sequential gearbox,
and 0-60 time of 6 seconds.

And yet, Peugeot still claim that
it'll do 57 miles to the gallon.

So, could you? Would you?

Would you take the leap and
have a diesel sports car?

Would I buy a diesel car?
No. And I can explain why.

Volkswagen Golf, okay?

Petrol engine, European
chic, goes in to my Cool Wall

Which we introduced last
week, in the cool section.

Volkswagen Golf Diesel.

Identical car except for
the engine, where does it go?

Uncool, because it marks
you out as a cheapskate.

Here we go, the Saab
we looked at earlier.

Now, Saabs. I know they've
got all conventional,

I know it runs on a
Vauxhall Vectra platform,

And yet, somehow telling people
you've got a Saab, quite cool.

So it goes there and ...

Oh, I'm sorry, I don't
think I've explained this,

This isn't a debate!

I tell you where things
go, I am the judge here.

Unless, of course, it's
got a diesel engine,

Which Saab are now doing,
in which case, it goes there.

Happy now?

I have to say, actually, this Cool
Wall has caused an absolute furore.

We have had 20,000
emails about it. 20,000.

All day long, all the
people here have been going,

"Ooh, why did you put that there for?"

And I've got a microphone here,
so we can hit people with it.

You, what do you want moving?

The MX5 and the MG TF

You want to switch an
MX5 with a ..? MG TF.

Anyone else got any thoughts?

What was yours earlier?

The Aston Martin. I would
put down into the Uncool,

On the basis of build quality,
and it's not value for money.

It's too much forward.

You are such an idiot!

This is the coolest car ...

I perhaps haven't explained
how the Cool thing works.

It's got nothing to
do with build quality,

Absolutely nothing to do with it.

Or looks, or anything,
or how they are to drive.

All that matters is are they cool,

And the way you can
judge it is this, okay?

You've got to take Kristin
Scott Thomas out for dinner.

Cool girl, yes? We all ag..
Never heard of her, have you?

Anyway, she's the
coolest actress there is.

You turn up in something
like that, Ferrari 360,

She's going to think you're a berk.

You turn up in that, she's
going to leave her husband!

That's how Cool works.

Who was complaining about the Ford Ka?

You were? Why were you
complaining about the Ford Ka?

It's just good. There's nothing
you can sigh by, apart from look.

It's a good car.

You've turned up with 86 earrings,

and you're telling us that's
a brilliant car. My case rests.

Ooh, he's looking angry.

I like earrings, you know?

I drive an SL, okay?
I'm gay, as it turns out.

Uhm, anyway, where was
I? Completely forgot.

Oh, diesels. The point is,
um, that if you have a diesel,

It marks you out as being mean,
and that's why they are in Uncool.

The end.

Feel better for that bit?
Yeah, a bit of a moment.

You really have to ... Don't
upset the bloke in the earrings.

Carry on. I'll just go that way.

So we were saying diesels, uncool,
are down this end of the board.

Alright, next thing
could be electric cars.

Now, billions and billions
of pounds are spent in America

by organisations including the
Government on developing eletric cars.

And this, the Ford Th!nk, hmm,
is the best they can come up with.

And frankly, you're better
off doing the Guardian thing

and jogging to work.
Let me show you why.

Now here's the Th!nk with
the Stig at the wheel.

Listen to the throbbing silence
of the electric motor. Glorious.

For comparison, we've lined it up
against something equally sprightly,

Jason.

And they're off!

Now the Th!nk can do 0-30 in 7 seconds.

But you can have problems,

Particularly if you use the
electrical stuff, things like...

The Stereo.

Now Jason by now is way behind,
but look what's happening!

It's running out of steam!

Oh my word, it's stopped!

And the giant galapagos tortoise
has passed and crossed the line!

Would you drive an
electric car then, Jeremy?

No, I don't want to drive
around in an appliance,

It's as simple as that.

And I'll tell you something
else about electric cars, okay?

You have to charge
them up at night, okay?

How many people park
outside their houses?

You have to park 3 stree.. You do?

Well, well done you, there's one
man who park outside his house.

But for the rest of us,
you park 3 streets away.

And even if you can
park outside your house,

This is gonna be flex.

You'll be walking down the pavement
like this, over all the flexes.

They are stupid.

Maybe not the best, but
there might be a solution.

And as is often the
case, it's compromised.

And it's a hybric car.
It's the Toyota Prius.

The clever thing is, and
the reason it's compromised,

It's got 2 engines.

There's a 1.3-litre petrol
and an electric motor.

And the way it works is it runs on
the electric motor at slow speeds,

And then when it needs more power

or the motor runs out of charge,

The engine, the petrol engine, fires up,

And that puts the charge
into the electric one.

So, you don't have to
plug it in. Brilliant.

And not just brilliant.

I've got a list here, of this ..
people who are driving this car.

Not a made-up list, this is for real.

Cameron Diaz has one of these cars.

Leonardo DiCaprio.

Donny Osmond, we'll skip over that.

Alicia Silverstone, Jane
Fonda, Jeff Goldblum,

Billie Joel, move over that one.

Ted Danson, Dennis Weaver,

David Duchovny, John Kelley...

The list goes on and on forever.

And yet, despite that, despite
the incredible patronage,

I don't know, where do we put it?

Uncool? I'm thinking not Uncool,

I'm thinking not even Seriously Uncool,

I'm thinking further down here,

I'm thinking way out of
the lit part of the base,

And in the deep dark recesses of Hell.

'Cause you know what, Jeremy,

Despite what the government say,

Despite what the environmentalists say,

It's not diesels and
electric-powered cars that

are gonna excite the
drivers of the future.

I went to a couple of schools

to see which cars the kids
of today want to drive.

I wanna go in a classroom
they weren't drawing a Prius.

So to find out if kids still love
supercars like they've always done,

I lined up some break time treats.

A Ferrari 360, a Pagani Zonda,

A Nissan Skyline R34 GT-R,

And finally, a TVR Tuscan.

Cool, look, there's Ferrari.

Look at this one first,
the red one, okay?

Ferrari, right.

Who did I say drives one of these?

Michael Schumacher, David Beckham...

And they are made in
what country? Italy. Okay.

Should we do some spellings?

So should we look at the cars instead?

Can we guess how much money
one of these would cost?

750? Right, little bit more
than that, good guess though.

This would cost about the
same amount as a house.

This costs 110,000 pounds,

Which is like loads and
loads of pocket money.

Right, anybody know
what kind of car this is?

GTR, yeah. It's a Nissan
Skyline, it's a GTR.

Now these aren't made in Italy.

These are made in .. ? Anybody know?

"Cowcrah"? "Cowcrah",
not heard of that place.

I heard someone say
the name of this one.

What was this one called?

TVR. And do you know
where these are made?

Cyprus? They made them here!

This car is made in a
place called Blackpool.

You wanna hear it? Yeah.

All right, then.

Ready?

Wow!

This car will do 220 miles an hour.

This is actually called, it's a
funny name, it's called a Zonda.

How many houses do
you think you can buy?

3? Quite right, 3 houses.

This car costs 300,000 pounds.

3, 2, 1 ...

There's 1 car I'd like to
show you before you decide.

Yeah, if you look behind you...

Here it is, the old stager.

The undefeated champion of
the bedroom wall posters.

The Lamborghini Countach.

This car rocks!

Put your hand up if you
think that the red Ferrari...

When the kids have covered every
inch of the paintwork in fingerprints,

It was time for the vote.

Hands up for the TVR.
Who loves TVR most?

Fifth place was the
Nissan, with 5 points.

Fourth place was the
TVR, with 11 points.

Third place, the Ferrari.

Second place was the
Zonda with 16 points.

Zonda was second!

The winner is the
Lamborghini with 41 points.

Well done, yeah!

Excellent.

So Jason, did any of those children
go on about the environment at all?

Ah, no. You see, the thing is,

When we arrived, and we put
those cars in the playground.

We're used to it; they
came out of the classrooms,

and their eyes were like saucers.

When we started it up,
I mean it was just...

They just went to
another place. Fantastic.

And the strange thing
was it was the Countach,

It was the oldest, the dirtiest car
in the lot that fired them up the most.

Which could be bad news for
the future, but not necessarily,

Because there is a way that any
petrol cars, the Countach, anything,

can be converted to be more
environmentally friendly.

We're gonna demonstrate with this.

It's a Bristol, clunking
great V8 engine car.

But it has been converted
to run on LPG, that's gas,

Which is good news for the environment.

It's cleaner, burning, and
it's actually cheaper, too.

And it doesn't cost a
fortune to do it either.

No, you can convert pretty much any
petrol engine for about 1,500 pounds.

And the thing is, the
gas is so much cheaper.

When you've done about 20,000 miles,

You'll have recouped the money you
actually spent on the conversion.

Great, so we all win. Us, the
environment, everybody's happy.

But there is a problem.

The gas is only so cheap because

the Government has frozen the
tax on it to keep it cheap.

And they've promised
to do that until 2004.

So what happens then?

When they suddenly say, "let's
bung some tax on it after all."

They did it with diesel,
didn't they? Yeah.

What if they do that again?

We're all stuffed with
converted our cars to run on LPG,

We've got to pay for it.

So whether or not to convert
your car to run on gas

depends on one thing
- do you trust the Government?

Top Gear Series 01, Episode 07
English Subtitles by /u/Stigmacher

Funniest thing for me
about the government is

they've recently decided to judge
how many company car tax you pay

on how much carbon dioxide
comes out at the back.

What a stupid thing!
It's not a killer gas!?

Look, we've got this chart here, okay?

And this shows where
carbon dioxide comes from.

95.5 percent comes from nature!

Do they go around taxing farmers
for their flocks of cows!?

Do they tax Mount Etna
every time it blows?

I mean, it's ridiculous!

Only this orange sliver,
here, comes from man.

And of that, 34% from power stations.

People charging up their electric cars.

And then you've got
14% from domestic use.

Potterton's Boilers!

Tax them out of business!
Look what they're doing!

Because only 13% of that little
tiny bit there comes from cars.

Ridiculous!

But we have the rules, and
it's our job on Top Gear

to show you a way... 'round them.

And that's where this comes in, okay?

Lotus Elise. Now this does
40 miles to the gallon. 40.

It's in the same tax bracket
as a Ford Fiesta. It is.

So it obeys the letter
of the law perfectly.

But the spirit?

No. Not even slightly.

This, of course, is the
new Elise which you can have

with a normal 1.8-litre engine
that's easy to tune and tinker with.

But this version, the 111S,
has a sealed-for-life 1.8

with all sorts of complicated
trickery like variable valve timing.

It offers up 156 brake
horsepower, 0-60 in 5 seconds,

and a top speed of 132.

So how come then, it's so ecomical
and so kind to the environment?

How does it do that, Hmm? How?

The key is weight.

This car weighs less than the driver,

so it doesn't need much
fuel to move it around.

Put it like this, you don't need
a rocket motor to move a Souffle.

Lotus never fitted the old
Elise with the electric windows,

not because they were too expensive,

but because the motors were too heavy.

And they never fitted carpet either.

And yet this one, this
one has the full Wilton,

and air-conditioning, and
a CD player, and leather.

So does this mean, then, that
Lotus ... has sold out a bit?

No.

See these new wheels that they fitted?

Delicate, aren't they?
Delicate and light.

Specifically, 6 kilograms lighter
than they used to be on the old car.

So even with all the new luxuries,

the whole car in total
only weighs 760 kilograms.

That's about the same
as a Mercedes headrest.

And with the extra power in the boot,

It should be even more fun to drive.

Great.

The old Elise was described by many
as the best handling car in the world,

and initially, this
doesn't disappoint either.

Aw, the steering is still
just as good as ever.

It's so delicate and so much feel,

you could run over an insect and know,

just from the messages
coming through the wheel,

how many legs it had,

was it a beetle or was it a spider.

Hang on... Spider.

So what about the handling?

Oh, understeer. Ay, understeer!

I know the old Elise was very twitchy,

and some people were scared by that,

so they fitted narrower tyres on
this one to reduce front end grip.

But I don't think they reduced it,

they completely removed it.

Here we are, coming up
to the Hammerhead now.

Okay, turn in, no power.

Ya ever seen understeer like this!?

Oh, dear.

Slide! Slide!!

And if you do go mad and
kick the rear end out,

you end up facing the way you came...

in a cloud of smoke.

So, on the evidence of
what we've seen so far,

not a particularly good car.

But this, this is Gavin
Kershaw, he is from Lotus,

and he says there's
nothing wrong with the car.

The problem was my driving.

So he offered to take
me out on our track

and show me how it should be done.

So you are the chief
chassis man at Lotus?

I'm the Principle
Chassis Engineer, yeah.

And you live in Norfolk? Yep.

So you got a girlfriend?
I've got a girlfriend.

How many wheels has she got?

Goodness!

Well, I was gonna say
how many legs has she got.

Same sire, no?

I couldn't make it do
that! How are you doing it?

Why doesn't it just understeer!?

You have to be very gentle
with it and just defy Physics.

So we're coming down
this corner, braking.

Off the brakes, flickers flicking.

Then lift.

Oh, God.

I failed flat-out through here.

Why have you made it more
understeer-y than the old Elise?

Because we're selling three types of
cars to get the taste of broad drivers.

We made the chassis so if
you don't know how to drive,

you can just get away with it.

I could vomit on you now, actually.

I'm really considering vomiting on you.

I can go off people!

I'm really quite impressed
and actually quite depressed

how I couldn't do that and how you can.

Well, we're going around
that Hammerhead Corner again.

Oversteer in... Oversteer, and so...

Into the tyres... Doesn't need
be so close to the tyres, man!

Can we go home now?

It's not big, and it's not
clever to drive like that, is it?

Are you impressed, girls,
with driving like that?

You are, alright. Well, move to
Norfolk then, they all do that!

The thing is though, I don't
live in Norfolk, I have a life.

So how do I kill the understeer
if I were to buy a car like that?

We can supply optional
bigger front tyres

so even you won't get understeer.

Really, you can buy... You'll sell
me big tyres that will solve it? Yep.

Brilliant. So all we need do now is see

how fast Stig goes around our track.

Unlease the Stig!

And he's off!

Of course, for the Stig, oversteer and
understeer are not really the issue.

To get the best time, he
needs to keep it nice and tidy.

And here we are, into the
first corner. Look at that!

Even in the wet, it's smooth as silk.

Look at him, really enjoying
the Elise stereo here.

So, here he is at the Hammerhead.

This corner was designed by Lotus,

so the Elise should be good
through here, and it is!

None of the slithering about we
had from the Honda NSX last week.

You know, this car is on
for a seriously fast time.

I mean, really fast.

And look at the Stig, he's hardly
having to work at that wheel.

It's all so easy.

If you know what you're doing,
this is such a well-balance car.

So for the fifth week on the trot,
the Stig had to go 'round in the rain,

but the time he set was astonishing.

1 minute 35 seconds.

That's the same as a Ferrari 575,
and it only has a 1.8-litre engine.

However, let's not get carried away.

It is not the most environmentally
friendly car that money can buy.

Because that is.

Jason, Richard, do the honours.

This is a Peugeot 607.

And the reason why
it's so green is simple.

It's awful. It's dreadful.

If you bought one of these, I
guarantee you'd never drive it anywhere.

Top Gear Series 01, Episode 07
English Subtitles by /u/Stigmacher

Right, now it's time to put a
star in our reasonably-price car.

He has been on Top
of the Pops 105 times,

but now he's on Top of the Gear.

Ladies and Gentlemen, from
Status Quo, Rick Parfitt!

Have a seat.

Now, you're not the ideal guest
to have on an environmental week,

I have to be honest.
No, not really. No.

We went through some of your
singles and hits over the years

in our office last night,

we didn't find a single
environmental lyric in any of them.

No, none at all. No.

It's just about love, and
stuff like that, and kitting.

All that sort of dopey stuff, you know.

Yeah, well, and it sells.
It certainly does, yeah.

Um, new album? Yep.

"Heavy Traffic?" Yeah.

Inspired by this, perhaps?
Aptly named, isn't it? Yeah.

No, it really wasn't
inspired by anything, really.

But I mean, this is
unbelievable, isn't it?

I mean, when it first went in,
I remember thinking, you know,

'cause it's a bottleneck anyway,
isn't it? Going into Heathrow.

To put that in there, to take a lane
away from us, I think it's disgraceful.

Of course, this is the M4.

You've had some bad times
on the M4, haven't you?

Me? Yeah.

Oof, yeah. I've had a bit of a shunt
on the M3, actually it was. Yeah.

It was the M3? Yeah.

And it kinda changed my whole
view about driving, you know.

I kind of became sensible after that.

And I kinda stick to the speed limit
and stuff now, a bit boring, you know.

In fact, we have a cup
of tea after a concert,

we have a cup of tea and
go to bed, you know. It's...

Real rock 'n' roll.

I feel these days, you know,
a license is a precious thing.

It certainly is to me, and I know
it is to a lot of other people.

And, you know, I really don't
wanna lose it ... any more.

I've lost it about 3 times, yeah.

And in great circumstances, you know.

Really? Were they? Well the
last one certainly was, yeah.

I was sort of doing an estimated
120 miles an hour down the M3.

I don't know what speed I was
going, 'cause I was actually asleep!

Is that when you
stuffed it? Yeah, yeah.

I was very lucky, I think had it been
in anything lesser than a Porsche,

I think I probably wouldn't
have been sitting here now.

But I was very lucky.

It kinda spun. It was like
4 o'clock in the morning,

and so, fortunately
nobody else was around,

and nobody else was involved.

But I ended up in a field, and just
sat there merrily sleeping, you know!

I didn't wake up at all!

So what was it that first
turns you on to Porsches?

Well, I had a Mini, a
Cooper S, in the early days,

which was one of my
all-time favourite cars.

It still is, you know,
with the twin tanks.

I'm really rather brought down,
actually, with the new one,

with the new Cooper S, that
it hasn't got the twin tanks.

Yeah, I know, like the Jags
should have the twin tanks.

Well, I agree, a common
tank. Yeah, it would be great.

However, I was sitting
in the lights on the A3,

when the A3 used to have lights, and
it's a complete straight piece of road.

And the Cooper S, I'd had it
kind of bored out, and shave,

and the Recaro racing seat,
the Straight Through, you know,

it was a real tool.

So this thing pulls up
beside me this night,

and I'm really, you know, looking
forward to this burnaway from the light.

And this thing just went away from
me, and I had no idea what it was.

Now, later found out, caught
it up at the next set of lights,

and it was a Porsche. I
thought, "gotta have one."

And luckily enough, I've been in a
position where I could afford a Porsche.

And so, I got one, and I had
10, 11 of them since then.

11 Porsches? Yeah.

You still own them now? No, I'm not.

'Cause since I had the accident,

my mum, bless her,
she's passed away now,

but she said, "for Christ's
sake, don't buy another Porsche!"

And I haven't. I've
never had another one.

I've never driven another one, 7, 8
years now since I've driven a Porsche.

Didn't she ever say, "why don't you
give up the booze and the drugs?"

Can't believe that was causing
the accident more than the car?

Just a thought.

She was a sensible woman, my mum.

Anyway, of course, the reason you're
here is this. Oh, right, yeah.

This is our Suzuki lap times. Yeah.

You've been out there, you
had a go. How did it go?

Well, I mean, it was great
fun, actually, you know.

Would you like to see how you did?

Yeah, I would.

Okay, everyone, here
we go. Play the tape.

Rick Parfitt in a reasonably-price
car for the first time in 30 years.

And you're off. It's a dry track!

It started out dry.

It started out dry, how is this
coming up to the ... Lights on.

Smooth. Oh, what was that!?

What was it? What was that
noise I just heard from our...

You broke our... Ooh.

Probably broke wind.

What are those gloves
you've got on there?

They've got Jason King
holes in the knuckles!

And they're from Harrod's.

Here we go, across the
line after this corner...

Ooh, quite spritely.

It felt so much faster than that
when you're in the car, I mean...

That was quite fast!

Oh, it felt so fast. I've got the time.

Now, these are the
times we've had so far.

Dry track, so really, we
can sort of say these are...

Right, Tara, 1:54.

This, Ross Kemp, 1:54.

Jonathan Ross, pathetic, frankly.

You... Made me quite
nervous about this.

Ready? Rick P., 'cause
we're not gonna get it on,

One minute...

Aw, at least I'm in the 1.

Fifty-two seconds, everybody!

Ooh, lovely!

Lovely.

That's good stuff, isn't it? It is!

He's not gonna be happy.
Yeah, no, that's great.

He's not gonna be happy, isn't
Coogan. I'm very pleased.

But, the thing is, everybody,

it wasn't an entirely incident-free
time you had out there, was it?

Not entirely, no.

Who'd like to see what happened? Yes.

Okay, can we play that?

Let's watch Rick coming through
the second-to-last corner and...

Oh, no, you lost the...

You'd ... Oh, no, there's more...

Back on.

Across the line sideways,
beautifully done.

I did actually see one of the camera
crews out on the far side of the track,

and I think it was on
the fastest lap I did,

and as I'm approaching, you could
literally see him sort of going like that.

Extraordinary thing is,

is that nearly every celebrity
has been off on that corner,

and the crews have now learned.

The director goes, "could
you cover that corner?" "No!"

"Who's coming this week?"
"Rick Parfitt." "NO!"

Definitely not.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rick Parfitt!

This week's Insider Trading News.

Now, couple of weeks ago,

we promised that you would be getting
some cracking deals on new cars.

Now, you remember, we talked
about the Suzuki Liana,

not 9,995, a dealer emailed
emailed us, said it was 7,995.

The fight is on. This week I
was emailed by another dealer.

Fiat Stilo, the 1.6 Active, 5-door
car. That car normally is 11,700 quid.

Have a guess what they're
offering that car at?

I've no idea, uh, 10,500?

7,995. That's an insanely
reasonably priced car.

That's 4 grand off.
That's a big save there.

Now, quick question. You know this.

What's the cheapest new car you can buy?

Well, Jason, it's the
Perodua Kelisa, at 4,999.

No, wrong. Oh.

This week, I was offered a
brand new Ford Ka for 4,995.

That's fantastically cheap. Yep.

So, that's like 4 quid cheaper ...?

Yeah, but that car, new,
normally is 6,600 quid,

and when they brought the car out
in - when was it, 3,4 years ago -

it's 8 grand, it didn't
have power steering.

That car now is 4,995. Why?

Well basically, we said it before,
the dealers have got targets to hit.

And the way it works with Ford is that

they give a rich percentage of bonus.

They give you a percentage on all
the cars you've sold. All right.

Now, if a dealer has got
a target of 1,000 cars,

they could stand to lose
tens of thousands of pounds

if they don't get that target.

If they don't sell all of their cars?

If they don't sell all their cars, they're
gonna miss.. could be 100,000 pounds.

So the last few...?
Yeah, sell them out at lot.

They're actually selling
their cars at a lot.

The minute they hit those targets,
fine, they won't care any more.

They'll put them back up.
4,995, that's seriously cheap.

But I've got a even
bigger discount this week.

The Suzuki Trooper, big car.

They're bringing some
new ones out next year,

and they've also got a few
of the old ones in stock.

Now, those cars need to be registered
before the end of this year,

because they don't hit the
emissions target for next year.

So they, what, literally couldn't
register them in this country?

Exactly, they'd have to send them
back. Send them back to the factory.

Hmm. Bargain around the corner.

Now, 3.5-litre V6, citation,
proper car, 7 seats, metallic...

And I'll tell you what,
I'm selling them to you now.

That car normally is
27,000 pounds. Yes?

18,995. Good grief, that's enormous!

Brand new out of the box.

And that's because the dealers
are stuck ...? Same thing.

There aren't that many of them around,

but if you go into a dealer and
find one, the current models,

register it before the end of the year,

you will get a storming deal on that.

Right, well, earlier on, Jeremy
introduced us to our various men of faith.

And this is it.

Now it's time to find out just
which is the fastest faith.

It had been raining, but
now the sun had come out,

which you'd kinda expected
to with this lot around.

And the track was dry,
and that was a good thing,

because this was the
car they'd be driving.

The car.

Well, it was based on a Subaru STI,
but there's a little bit more to it.

It's been modified.

It's got a performance engine,
suspension, exhaust, the whole lot, really.

Over 300 brake horsepower,
0-60 in 4.5 seconds.

It's brutal. This is a proper
rally car. They're gonna enjoy this.

But only after they'd received guidance

from the Prince of
Guidance himself, the Stig.

First to go, for the Hare
Krishnas, was Mark Lee.

3, 2, 1, go!

And he gave it everything. Oh yes!

What a lad! Now that's
surprisingly aggressive.

He's a little bit nervous, 'cause
it's a powerful car. It is.

But, well hopefully... In the back of
his mind, he'll be kinda calm himself.

Right, well, let's give him
that support. Absolutely.

I can't believe you came
in to cruise us, it's great!

He's going well, this is
some pretty committed driving.

I just wanted to make this corner.

Yeah, I did it. It was ... Oooh!

Oh, my word! He's gone!

Oh, my word!

Next up, Rabbi Pinnie
Dunat, the 2CV crasher.

3, 2, 1, go!

Due to the Rabbi's lack of experience,

the Stig had offered to act
as co-driver on his timed lap.

Let's give Pinnie some denomination of
support maybe, because he really is...

Yep. Come on, then. Come on, Pinnie!

But the collective good will of
all the religions wasn't enough

to keep him on the racing
line of righteousness.

So, could Regzin, the
Vajrayana Buddhist, do better?

I should make it clear that

I have never done anything
like this in my life ever.

His L has instructed him to
drive at the speed of light,

and he was taking them quite literally.

Even the Zen Master Stig was impressed.

But would he be impressed
with the Bishop of Lewes?

Much better!

Next up, the hot favourite.

The Reverend Anthony Felton
White from Revelation Racing.

3, 2, 1, go!

And he didn't disappoint.

2nd gear, apex this one early,
get it in, get it in, get it in.

Pushing hard.

Who's got the nerve?
Who's got the nerve?

Hold on brakes, hold
on brakes. Take it in.

Take the bend early,
take the bend early.

Look at that go! That's it!

Oh, yes!

That was scarily good.

A truly biblical lap from
the Church of England,

but the Roman Catholic
Church was equally determined.

Go!

That looked committed,
he means business.

No!

Now I have the results here.

But before we get to that, this
is the car they were driving, okay?

We told the people we borrowed it from,

"they were just a few vicars,
couldn't possibly come to any harm."

Look at this! Look at this down here!

And look what happened underneath!

Smashed off and broken.

So, which one of you lot is responsible?

Come on, own up!

The Bishop! The Bishop is responsible!

Who would like to see
how he did it? Yes!

Play the tape!

Well, there we are. How do you feel?

Unrepentant.

Very good.

Right, time for the result.

Richard, will you care
to join me? Oh, yes.

In last place, and
sadly not here, at work,

Mark Lee from Hare "Crash"na, as
it's now known, 1 minute 56 seconds.

In fifth place, Rabbi Pinnie Dunat -

You did crash, I mean, how surprised can you be
- with 1 minute 55.

In fourth place, from the Buddhists,

it's Regzin, forgive me
for being abbreviated,

well done, 1 minute 45 seconds.

And then in third place, despite
RUINING the car that we borrowed,

Bishop Wallace Benn, Church
of England, of course,

1 minute 42. It's getting very close.

So, last two, it's a
straight two-cornered fight

between the Roman Catholic
Church and the Church of England.

And it's the 16th
Century all over again!

The Catholics come in second!

Father Simon Thompson with 1 minute 40,

which means the winner,
the fastest faith,

is the Church of England, and
the Reverend Anthony Felton White!

And Jason!

Thank you very much,
thank you. Look at that!

Ahh, delightful.

And that is pretty much
the end of the show.

Just looking at the bus lane...

Nope, still nothing going on.

Now, I think next week we won't bother

doing anything to do
with the environment.

In fact, I think we might kick a couple
of barn owls to death just for fun.

In fact, we're gonna
be doing driver's cars.

400 horsepower is the
minimum level for entry.

We're also going to be turning
our Suzuki Liana into an Argo

and a Lada into a Lotus.

See you then, good night!

Top Gear Series 01, Episode 07
English Subtitles by /u/Stigmacher