Top Gear (2002–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

The grannies are back for a new challenge - handbrake parking in a Mini. Jeremy introduces us to the "Cool Wall". Tara Palmer-Tomkinson is the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.


In tonight's Top Gear,

evidence that the French have gone mad,

evidence that the Germans have gone mad,

and as an oasis of sanity, the grannies are back.

But first, look at our set!

We've got cushions, we've got flowers,
we've got chocolates,

I've got some breath freshener.

And that's because the star we have tonight

in our reasonably-priced car may look like a boy,

but he is, in fact, called Tara.

And that, I suppose, makes him a girl.

But this is still a car programme, so the cars.

The Honda NSX, not a spectacular success story.

It may well have been developed by Ayrton Senna,

but last year, they sold 8.

So they've given it a facelift,

well, a new set of headlamps anyway,

and produced this Type-R version,
which is lighter and stiffer.

And they're currently trying to decide

whether or not they should sell it in Britain.

So they rang us up and they said,

"Your Stig, if we ship one of these over from Japan,"

"could he take it out on your track
and do a lap in it?"

Said no, he prefers listening.

Oh, a lap? Oh wait, a lap!

Yes! Happy to oblige.

I doubt very much it'll break the record

set by the Westfield, 1 minute 23 seconds.

It may be light, but it's not that light.

And the engine may have clever valves,

but it's still only a 3.2L V6.

And, of course, look at that weather. That's atrocious.

That's very sideways, well he's nearly
off the track there.

The only way this car really stands a chance is that

its chassis is some kind of wonder thing.

Ooh, and look at that!

It's a nice piece of driving though, Stig.

The old NSX was very good most of the time,

but at the limit, it was as forgiving

as that guard who put Alec Guinness in a box.

That is fantastic, 1:33,

that makes it 2 seconds faster than a Ferrari 575,

and 3 seconds faster than the Aston Martin Vanquish.

That's fabulous.

And bear in mind, you know, the dry track there,

we think take 4 seconds off for a dry track,
that's a quick car.

I mean, that was a very wet track,

and The Stig really was trying.

Oh, my word! Ooh!

God, it was a bit close to those tyres.

That's nearly as bad as the
Aston Martin Vanquish crash!

One of these days, he's gonna kill himself,

and we're gonna need a new Stig.

Replacement Stig. Yeah.

Nevertheless, crash aside, it is a very very fast car.

There's the time to prove it.

So on the strength of that,

I think they should bring it into this country.

Sell it in Britain? Yeah.

Actually that's not what we're talking about tonight.

We don't care how fast cars go tonight,

we don't care what they look like.

What we care is whether they're cool or not.

I'll try to explain it.

Think of it like this, it's a bit like what not to wear.

And you are Trinny, and I am Susannah.

Takes some imagining, that, without..

Why are you laughing?
I'm exactly like Susanna Constantine.

People are always mistaking
me for her in the streets. Embarrassing.

The thing is, I don't think Trinny and Susannah
would much care for the NSX.

It's very very clever,

but it's like one of those expensive amplifiers
you buy for your hi-fi.

Clever, but a bit nerdy.

Now this, this is a much more a Trinny and Susannah car.

It's the new Renault Vel Satis,
a completely weird-looking thing.

No getting away from that,
especially round at the back.

But, beneath the, I have to say, quite cool exterior,

it's a 5-seater rival for the BMW 5-Series.

Prices start around 20,000 pounds
for the two-litre version.

It's a car for businessmen,

so I thought it would be a good idea to take it

to the Epicentre of the executive hotel

in the crease-free business life style trouser -

Swindon.

This is the M4 Corridor,

lots of businessmen here going about
their business in a business life fashion.

Look at him! Look at that.

Rushing off to a business meeting at Dyadyne Systems,

Marvellous.

Whatever the businessman wants from his car

while he's driving down the motorway

is gonna finded in the Vel Satis.

It's very quiet, it's very comfortable, very solid,

with all this wood everywhere,
it's like driving along in Arthur Negus.

There's power, too.

In the outside lane, it'll dance with the best of them.

This version, with a 3.5L V6, will do 147 mph.

And here we are, Turnoff 15, the Gateway to Swindon.

And oh dear, on normal roads,

the soft ride means everything starts to fall apart.

Few miles of these, and I'll be fast asleep.

Except I wouldn't be,

because every time it runs
over a pothole or a cat's eye,

or a groove in the road of some kind,

there's an almighty crash and a shudder.

And you wake up.

Very annoying.

It's capable of going fast in the same way that

Queen Victoria was capable of running.

It just doesn't seem to like it very much.

So, if you're late for a business meeting,

you better off using a pogo stick,

or going on your hands and knees.

The Vel Satis is like an avocado,
funny skin and mostly soft,

but with a surprising rock-hard stone in the middle.

As a car, then, it isn't very good.

But will the styling compensate for that here,

at the safari park for the men in suits -

A Swindon business park?

I haven't had chance to explore yet,

but I know exactly what's gonna be here,

because it'll be the same as every other business park.

There will be a lot of smoked glass,

all the trees will be 4 feet high,

because they're the same age as the buildings.

The plants, well, they exist only in business parks,

you won't find them in any textbook.

There'll be a puddle, masquerading as a lake,

there will be a sort of central structure in the middle,

a focal point to give a sense of community.

And.. What else?

Speed bumps.

Hundreds, hundreds and hundreds of speed bumps.

They'll be everywhere.

More smoked glass, more smoked glass, more.

Ooh, there's a speed bump.

Here's a plant that will stump Titchmarsh,

he'd have no idea what that was, none at all.

And there's a very small puddle,
which I bet they call the lake.

Now, all we need find now is the central structure.

Something to give me a sense of belonging here.

Oh, speed bump.

No, look! It's there! It's a windmill!

Speed bump.

A windmill!

Wow, I never would have thought..

..Thought it would be there.
That's nice. That's very nice.

This car is completely stumped by speed bumps.

It has a truly hopeless ride.

But that is not its biggest problem.

Oh, this is. This is what the businessman want.

Conformity, a water fountain,

a normal secretary called Janet, and a normal desk.

He likes to blend.

How many businessmen have you ever seen
in a lime green suit?

That means he wants a normal car

with a boot and a bonnet, and a roof in between,

not something that appears to have come
from the mind of Jerry Anderson.

It's all very well matching the
indentation in the fuel fillercap

to the indentations in the bumper,

and having credit card instead of a key.

And I'm sure people in trendy Bono glasses

will appreciate the zig-zagy rear end
and the unusual nose.

Renault, however, should know that

British businessmen don't like wacky and radical.

This is Renault's old store centre in Swindon,

amazing, isn't it?

Amazing, and empty.

Today, no one wants it.

You know what? Go on.

I'm not a businessman,
and I love the looks of this car.

So would you buy one?

N...no, 'cause it's a rubbish car.

But, actually, I know the best way to describe it.

You know Indian food, okay?

Not the stuff you get in Indian restaurants in England,

I'm talking about Indian food, okay?

It's not very good-quality meat,

so that's why it has that very powerful sauce on it.

And that's what this is.

Poor-quality meat, very powerful sauce on the top.

It's a sort of Renault Jalfrezi.

And the thing is, this isn't just

a one-off Ron Davis moment of madness, either.

It's across the range, because this is the new Megane.

And, from the front, yeah,
it looks pretty conventional.

It's pretty conventional under the bonnet,

you can have a 1.4, 1.6, or a 2-litre petrol engine,
or a 1.9L diesel.

Prices are conventional, too,

starting from 10,500 up to 15,500 pounds.

I have driven it, I'd love to be able to say

it was entirely conventional to drive,

but frankly, it struggles to get there.
It's a bit poor.

But it has just been voted
International Car of the Year,

and I can only imagine that it did that

because the judges forgot to look at the back.

They've gone completely berserk!

This is a Renault Double-Fault.

If you want berserk,
then you wanna look at this, though.

This is the Renault Avantime.

Now, this is meant to be a coupe,
look, it has no pillars.

But they've built it on the platform of an MPV.

I think it's absolutely fantastic. You're joking!

I adore this car. No.

I actually was talking to the Renault design boss,
the other day,

I'm actually thinking of buying one,

and he was like..."Buying one?"

"Um, right," he said, "if you are, do get in touch,"

"and we'll see if we can build one properly for you."

Seriously, he did.

Some of my sources said that actually early cars,
the pre-production models,

they had problems with the strength in here,

'cause obviously there's no B-pillar,

and the cars were actually kind of
flexing in the middle.

I just don't care.

You know, for 24,000 pounds,
if you want a 4-seater car,

bit of style, you just can't beat this.

The only thing I would say,

don't go for the red or the blue, okay?
That's too boring.

Go for the metallic, kind of mushy pea green,
with the silver roof.

You're weird.

Few weeks ago, we set out to prove that
older people can drive well.

So we got together a group of grannies,

and here a few of them now.

And we got them to do this.

Harder! Harder! That's good!

Keeping there! Keeping there!

And they were all so good,
we thought we'll try something a little bit trickier.

We're back today with Russ Swift and the grannies,

and today we're gonna teach them to
do handbrake parking.

If you don't know what handbrake parking is, watch this.

What do you reckon, girls? You can do it?

Yes. Let's do it. It's simple.

They clearly haven't got a clue
what they're about to try.

Russ, you're the king of parallel parking,

so you make it look very easy.

But actually, it's quite a lot to it.

So what are we gonna be teaching the grannies?

I'm gonna get the girls come from this direction

and turn in between this gap here,

pull on the handbrake,

and then slide the car sideways
in between the two cars.

So actually you'll turn the whole car around?

Gonna spin the car to 180 degrees.

And it's all on the handbrake? On the handbrake, yeah.

So, what's the hardest part, this?

There's not too.. You're gonna get the speed right.

If you go too fast, you'll end up
sliding backwards into the vehicle behind,

if you don't get enough speed,

you won't get enough rotation to get to 180 degrees.

And then, it's just the matter of
pulling your handbrake on

at the right time to end up in the space.

He's been quite fast. Just show off.

I can't wait to find out how you all got on,

but we're gonna come back later and find out, all right?

I've gotta do the news.

All right, see you later. Bye.

Let's do some news.

And, first stuff this week, Nissan, apparently,

are coming back to motorsport.

Back? Back, I don't know they've ever been..

Have Nissan ever been in motorsport?

What do you mean?

'Le Mance'? Where's that?

'Le Mans'.

Did they win?

You don't know.

Anyway, they're coming back, not to 'Le Mance',

they are, in fact, taking part
in the Dakar Rally using a pickup truck.

We've got a picture of it here.

But we aren't particularly interested in the car,

what we are interested in

are the people who will be driving it.

They're all completely gay-looking!

Look at their arms and this pose and everything!

Do they know what the Dakar Rally is like?
It's very rough out there!

And sandy and gritty! It ruins your skin, it's awful!

All those spare tyres on their
hand cream, facial scrub..

He's not gonna be looking like that
when he gets back, that's for sure.

Anyway, we wish you all the very best, duckies.

Right, talking about cars for girls, um,

MX-5, I quite like these, actually.

They've been around for a lot of time,

but they've just brought out a limited edition.

It's 16,995. How much is a normal one? 1.8?

15,500, so it's about 1,500 pounds more.

So basically 1,500 pounds, yeah? Yeah.

What do you get for your 1,500 quid?

Few bits and pieces, what you got?

You got special leather seats.
They are worth about 60 quid.

A Nardi 2-tone steering wheel. 65.

Leather handbrake lever. 67.50.

2-tone gear knob. 68.

And a trilogy-badged scuff plate. 68.20.

Oh, and some chrome air vents.

All right, let's make it a nice round, 70 pounds.

And you get a solid silver keyring

with 3 little chips of diamond, quarter carat diamond.

How much are they worth?

Well, probably about 70 quid scrap, aren't they?

So that's about couple hundred quid for the key fob?

Couple hundred quid, so 270 pounds,

and they are charging an extra..? 1,500.

Probably best to avoid that one, then.

Not good values.

Have you seen the film Fast and Furious?

Yes, it is the worst film ever made by human-beings.

What do you mean 'No'?

He turns out to the hat..
You like Fast and Furious in that hat?

Okay, my case rests.

Fast and Furious was made for people in hats like that.

It really was.
It was shocking. I tell you what it was,

it was basically a group of people in hats like that

driving around in ludicrous improbable
very fast American cars.

Well, they are making another! Hoorah!

But they've got a research, they've got it sorted.

They obviously looked around and thought,

"Hmm, well the cars we used in the last one"

"must not have been very good,
'cause the film was rubbish. "

"We'll sort this out, make it better."

They looked around.
Well, Bond's got an Aston Martin, hasn't he?

And there's a Jag in that film.

They must've worked their way down

a fairly lengthy list of manufacturers,

because they've ended up with this - 'Hyoondai' Elantra.

Oh my! Look at that!

See how the wheels don't fit!

No, that's the car they're using?
That's gonna rescue Fast and Furious?

That's gonna save it.

And you called it a..? What did you..?

'Hyoondai'.

I was in America couple of years ago,

filming at this place in Texas,

which is the biggest car dealership in the world.

The frontage is a mile long.

And I said to the guy who owned it,
"what do you sell here?"

"We sell a lot."

And he mispronounced every single one.

'Hoondai', 'Mitsubushi', 'Teeyotah',

'Nissangh', 'Jagwarr',

'BMW'.. Every single one of them was wrong.

And you called it a..?

I prefer 'Hoondai'. That's very good.

Anyway, there you go,

Fast and Furious 2, starring a.. 'Hoondai'.

I'll watch it. Great.

Renault Vel Satis. Oh, yes.

We saw it earlier on,

and we decided that it's a stylish car, didn't we, okay?

Well, it's now been voted Tow Car of the Year. Eh?

Oh, it gets better, this.

This is the best thing, all right?

You say, "No, I'm gonna buy a Renault,
'cause I like the style."

It's the only reason to buy that car,
'cause it's stylish.

And you go on whack a
double-axle buccaneer on the back of it!

Your street-cred is gone!
But the best thing I love about this is

why it's the best tow car,

and they compared it to a Range Rover V8,
a Mercedes-Benz ML500,

and, well, a Nissan Turano, that's another 4WD thing,

and they said that's better.

So I had a look to see why the
Tow Car of the Year jury has done it,

and they say it's because, and I'm quoting,

"It's got automatic headlamps, wipers,"

"and an F1-style integrated fuel fillercap."

Right, big news from BMW,

because they've launched a new 2-seater roadster
to replace the Z3.

They got in touch and said,
"would you like to drive it?"

And I said, "well, no, not if it's anything
like the Z3,"

"because, well, that was bit of girly, really." Look.

Well, they said, "what if we took it to Portugal,"

"put you up in a posh hotel,
and filled you full of expansive food?"

"Then, would you drive it?"

"Yeah, go on then."

The problem with the Z3 was that, well,

it looked as it'll have everything
you needed to make up a sports car,

that long bonnet and 2 seats right
over the rear wheels.

It's just that when you got in it,
it didn't quite deliver.

For a start, you'll perch on top,
sitting too high in it,

rather than slung low down in it.

And then, when you've got rough with it,

which you've got to, it's a sports car,

it came over all wobbly.

So BMW really are chasing their macho vote with the Z4.

It's bigger, bolder, and much more substantial.

An angry-looking collection of
angles, curves, and intersecting lines.

From some views, kind of resembles a rhino,
or is that just me.

Now, note something, it is the Z4, not the new Z3.

Well, they don't replace the BMW 3-Series

or the BMW 4-Series, do they?

Clearly BMW wanted to start all over again
with a completely new car.

So clearly, there were something wrong
with the old one.

One thing it did do very very well was sell.

But then, if we're on it,

you could stick a BMW badge on a dead cat,

and people would still buy it.

People are already buying the Z4 now
without ever seeing it.

30 grand, and they've never even tried it on.

You did get that, didn't you?

30 grand, at least 30 grand. That's a big price hike.

There are 2 engines available.

Both Straight-Sixes, a 2.5L or a 3L.

You can have a 5-speed or a 6-speed manual,

and the 6-speed manual 'box is
a proper mechanical process changing gear.

And it sounds great.

Something about the yell of a Straight-Six,

it's just blood.

The new image and, more importantly,
the price tag pitched the Z4

into an entirely different market.

Suddenly it's not enough to
have just a bit of fluffy fun,

it's gonna be on a list that includes

the Audi TT Roadster and the Porsche Boxster.

Yikes.

It just has plenty of grip.

Really. An awful lot of grip.

Almost too much.

I'm not even taxing the Traction Control.

That's just pure grip.

I'm gonna get scared before this thing stops gripping.

I'll keep trying.

I really like roadsters.

I even like the name, 'Roadster,'

it's got a kind of devil-may-care flamboyance to it.

And it says a lot about the car,

because you can't measure roadsters
on paper against one another,

you can't decide this is better than that
because the figures say so.

A roadster is about the whole experience,

it's about the look, the sound, the feel of it.

Do you know, I think they've cracked it.

It's not as quick as a Porsche Boxster, fact.

But, so? That doesn't rule it out in any way.

You'd expect this to be good.

This is a Z4. Not a Z3.

This is one louder.

Right, this is the Cool Board,

which is something I've just thought of, okay?

Perfectly simple, we've divided a range of cars
into 4 catagories.

Seriously Uncool, that would be
the Chrysler PT Cruiser

and the Volkswagen Beetle.

Uncool, various stuff,
lots of Vauxhalls and Fords and so on.

Cool, well, I mean the Range Rover obviously,
and the Citroen C3.

And then, Sub-Zero, that's absolutely freezing,

and we've got the Vanquish in that catagory.

This has got nothing at all to do with

what the car looks like or how it drives,

it's only to do with how cool it is.

And this Jeep Wrangler is a classic case in point, okay?

I've gotta be a bit careful here,

because it belongs to James over there,

who's one of our camera operators.

Now, I'm sorry, mate, it's hideous.

It's a horrible car to drive,

and you've made it worse by jacking it up.

And you can stop laughing
'cause you've got a Porsche Boxster.

Anyway, glad you're here.

This is a good game, 'cause it really works,

and some of them really aren't that obvious,
like that thing.

For instance, the Hyundai Coupe.

That's a really good car,
but it's a Hyundai, it's uncool.

And we've got.. Honda Civic Type-R,

fantastic car to drive, it's uncool, you can't deny it.

Audi A2, dreadful dreadful car!

It wobbles when you turn the windscreen wiper on!

Horrible, but somehow, quite cool.

Can I just pull up your boyish enthusiasm here,
though, Jeremy,

for this idea of what you've just thought up,

but it was really nice of you to consult nobody at all.

You just merely stick pictures on..

I'm right, that's the important thing. I'm all right.

I noticed, under Uncool, that's a Ferrari 360, Jeremy.

It's a big Fiat.
It's a Ferrari! It's cool! Back me up!

Is that not a cool car?!

Hands up if you think it's uncool.

Now hands up if you think it's cool.

Alright, thank you.

The Z3, okay? We all agree..

Uncool. Really uncool. No denying that.

But you say that the new Z4..

We have to put it down there, actually,

because all BMWs are uncool.

X5 in particular.

Particularly when they've got
drug dealer wheels like this one.

Really really uncool, man in pink shirt, who has one.

Range Rover on the other hand, fantastic car.

You've bought the wrong one. Sorry.

But you said, anyway, the Z4.. That's a cool car.

It's more muscular, it's got presence,

you can go anywhere in that. It's a cool car.

Right, fair enough, first BMW since about 1976

that makes it into the Cool catagory.

Now this is a case in point, Fiat Multipla.

That's a really good one, 'cause..

Well it's ugly, I know..

It's ugly, yes, but it's cool.

It's definitely.. It's cool!

It's cool, it's going in the Cool bit.

I'm with you on that one. I'm with you on that.

Lexus.. I'm not taking any trot on that,
I'm right, again.

Lexus IS200, okay?

Was a cool car, Alan Partridge has just got one!

Not cool anymore. Uncool.

Sorry Lexus.

How do you make it stick on that?
There we are, on there.

Now, this one..

So uncool, look, we are gonna have to stick in there.

It's found its home.

Audi TT.. Well, it was..

Precisely. That's why, excuse me,
the Volkswagen Beetle is down here.

Got launched, we then have to wait a year
for it to arrive.

If you're gonna make a car a fashion statement,
which they have,

Get it out now!

And the same thing with this.

It's started here, and it's moved along,

and we think that right now it's here.

And if you want one, you've got 20 minutes, okay?

Because in 20 minutes, it's going to be here.

Okay? And then finally, the Renault Avantime.

If you're gonna start going on about that,
you're not gonna.. Jeremy!

That is ridiculous!

Sub-Zero, beyond the many,

the Land Rover Defender, and even the Vanquish.

That's the coolest car money can buy.

Don't argue!

You're quite scary on that.

Right, look, 'cause there is a bit of debate
going on in here

that you've started with this thing,

what you've thought up and stuck all the pictures on.

So, if you've got your own opinion on this, let us know.

Do this via our website.

Now, we've had, I think it was 82,000 responses

when we did something similar-ish
with good-looking cars.

Some pretty hotly debated issues there.

Go on to our website, have a look around there,

and let us know what you think.

Agree with me, disagree with him, he's..

Ford Focus is in the wrong catagory,
it should be there.

Do it now, quickly, or you'll have his way.

We're back with our grannies!

And do you remember Sadie?

She was the star of that doughnut challenge!

Wow!

Keep going! Go go go go go go!

Good girl! Good girl!

Brilliant! That was really brilliant! Fantastic!

That was really good, Sadie!

But could she do a handbrake park?

Off you go now. Up to about 4,000 revs.

Look out, here it comes! It's Sadie! Come on, Sadie!

Handbrake!

Next up, it was Joy.

All right. Now things are gonna be fun.

She's going to run us down.

Put your hand on the handbrake, ready?

And don't do anything until I tell you.

He's very very patient. He's so patient.

Wow.

Oh, dear! Was this granny challenge too far?

Well, Ann was up next.

All right, good luck Ann.

Faster, faster!

Well done! Wow!

Do it better than him!

Can Gwyneth beat that?

Keep going, keep going, faster.

Turn.

Beautiful.

Oh, she's on the grass!

Well done!

And finally, Beryl had a go.

On you go, Beryl!

Keep going, keep going, turn.

Handbrake.

So you could do it! That's brilliant!

You could do doughnuts, and you can handbrake turn!

I tell you what, next time there's WI meeting,

when you enter that car park,

you won't smell of ginger biscuits and sponge cake,

it'll be burning rubber!

Anyway, thanks so much for our grannies,

massive sports, big round of applause!

Right, right, right. Listen.

Tonight's show is all about fashion,
it's all about cool.

So there was only one star we could put
in our Reasonably-Priced Car.

Just a moment.

That's better. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's meet up..

Almighty.

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson!

Hi, darling. How are you?

Oh, don't do that..

No, it's not, it's like having
an anaesthetic in your mouth.

Anyway, what do you think, cushions, flowers?

Oh, look, you got me some lovely flowers!

3.95. They are on the turn,
but they're just about okay.

So yeah, we've got those.

The lovely milk tray, 'cause the lady loves.

Have one. Oh, Jeremy, that's horrible!

Jason!! You've eaten the chocolates again!

That's terrible!

I'd eat the potpourri.
No, no, Jason would be after that.

Driving. Yes.

You and I have met before in a car.

This was on old Top Gear, and this was old Tara.

It was a long time ago, wasn't it?

Yeah, should we just remind ourselves

of what Tara's like behind the wheel of a car?

All right? Let's have a look at this.

Oh, no.

Don't look at the shops. Okay.

These are good shops and...

And I just want to show everyone that

these are the shoes I'm driving in.

Oh, I've had my hazards on the whole time.

No, you haven't, you just kicked them on

while demonstrating your shoes
when we're doing 300 mph.

I just want to show everyone, you know,

that I can do it in Slutter heels, too.

Lights are red! I wasn't gonna go through...

That's enough of that. Now..
That was a long time ago.

At one point, we hit, and
I have to look disapproving for this, okay?

There's a big thing going.

100 miles an hour on Sloane Street,
which is in London.

Do you crash a lot?

No, I don't, actually. No.

No, I don't.

'Cause there's a report in the newspapers the other day

which said that women are more prone
to crash into stationary objects.

And that men crash into high speed things.

No, I don't crash, but when I park,
I think that the bumpers of that..

So you go BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, in.

Move on from now. What would you look for in a car?

I mean, what was it the first
that attracted you to the free Honda NSX?

Not that it was free, of course.

No, I look for..

I like convertible cars actually,
I always have convertible cars,

I like, um.. I like fast cars.

Exactly. So what's your idea of perfect car?

Um, the Jaguar XK8, without a doubt,

is the most beautiful car I've ever driven.

Ferraris, are they cool or not?

No, they remind me of a bad day in the Southern France.

You see, I said, they are.

But, I've got to say, look,

if a guy has worked, you know, worked really hard,

and he gets like a big bonus,

and his dream was always to have a red Ferrari,

so why shouldn't he spend his Christmas bonus
and buy that car

and drive it with pride?

Christmas bonus?

Well, you know, you hear about these bonuses!

Well, I know what you mean,
in this city some people get big bonuses,

in Rotherham, nobody gets 100 grand bonuses.

No, but I'm just saying that
if somebody's, look, worked their ass off,

you know, they get the car and everything,

then why shouldn't they get whatever car they like?

Who an I to judge, but I've got to say,

I don't like a car which is just flashy and vulgar.

Have you got a boyfriend at the moment?

No. I'm going off..
I have this blind date last night.

Blind date? How did it go?

It's on Christmas Day.

Well, just spoil it for everyone.
Come on, what happened?

No, I'm not telling you,

but I'm going on my blind date on Friday.

You're going to New York,
now there's no point watching.

Can I make a suggestion?

You know you say you like the Jaguar XK8?

It's a nice car,
but what you actually want is a Mitsubishi Evo VII.

Am I right? Really?

A girl in one of.. You won't like it,

but a girl in one of those is about as bigger turn on

as anything I can imagine.

Well, hello, no, I want to ask the men's opinion.

Do you all agree, or is he lying?

If you saw Tara..
Where's the shop where they're sold?

The 'shop'..

And is it still open?

I tell you what, talk to me later,

and I'll find out where are Mitsubishi garages.

They are not expensive, you can have an Evo VII,

What is it so.. Why?

Why? What is it?

It's because it's a really serious
Rally car, very very very fast, okay?

Now, as far as I know, no girl

in the whole of human history has ever bought one.

Right, that's gonna be me. Get one.

What would you think, though,
if a man had that in his house?

It's a wine cooler, not a cooler,
I mean a wine storage thing,

head gasket from an Audi A6.

Now, do you think that's cool?

Yeah. Really?

Yeah I do, I think that's really cool.

'Cause I do, too, and I was worried that you think..

No, no, I think that is excellent. Have it.

What about this, then?

Magazine rack, which is a spring.

Yes, it's in that.. Ooh, my goodness, that is heavy.

You see?

And look at these, this is a coat hook.

You know what these are?

Valves.

Do you know what show you've come to?
You like that as well?

I like that. It's cool.

No, it's not jewelry.

But anyway, you can have it, here.

Take it all away. There you are.

These were little presents,

actually they will go down rather nice
my new loft department.

You've come here, obviously,
to drive our Reasonably-Priced Car.

Yes! Was that the Suzuki?

Yeah. What do you think of it?

Well, it's really nice, actually,
it's a good little runaround,

'cause, you know, maybe going a little bit quicker,
but it was very very good.

Well, this is how fast all of our guests
have been so far.

Jay Kay, 1:48, 2 seconds faster than me,
rather annoyingly.

Were they all in the Suzuki?

Yeah, they've all been round in the Suzuki.

Steve Coogan, he did it in the rain in 1:53,

Kemp, 1:54, that's Ross Kemp.

Jonathan Ross, 1:57,

Harry Enfield, 2 days.

Oh, my God. Very slow.

Now.. 2 days and 1 hour, that is. Now..

And it was quite wet today. It was wet.

And I had my coat in the front seat,
which weighs a lot.

Good excuse. Best excuse we've had so far.

Shall we see the lap, everyone? Yeah!

Here we go.

You look scared. I was.

Okay, Jeremy told me I have to talk my way through

exactly what I'm doing,

So this is how I, um, plan to get really quickly.

I pretend that I'm coming up to Harvey Nichols

and the shop is about to close,

and I have to get them,

otherwise I'm not gonna get those shoes
which I really want.

Gotta brake, oh, they're closing the doors.

Okay, sexy man on the street, wave to him. It's a left.

All very simple, it's just mind over matter.

Last thing you want to think about is the car.

Just have to think that you're
driving with no clothes on, singing a song..

What on earth are you talking about?

He said talk yourself through it!

Impressed with that. That's very..

Not bad, look, right in the mark.

I know, understeer.

Wow, nice, well held.

That was very well held! Not bad, is it?

Look, in the lines.

I know, and you're across the line! Yay!

Now, somebody told me that
you cut one of the corners there.

Did anyone else see that? No!

None of them did. I didn't either.

Who is the person you said?

One of the producers came and said,
"she cut one of the corners."

I had a really careful look, I don't think she did.

Now, you are the first girl to come on,

so it is important for the girls how you did.

I bet I beat Harry Enfield.

Harry Enfield? You beat Enfield.

Do you think you went faster than
Jonathan "floppy hair" Ross?

Yeah, I think I may have done that.

You did. Do you think you went faster than Ross Kemp?

Probably not.

You didn't go faster than Ross Kemp,
but you drew with him!

1 minute 54!

Look at that!

Ladies first, we'll put you in the top.

Only a second behind Steve Coogan!

My dad will be so proud.

Well, there we are,
we're very pleased to have you here.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson!

This week's Insider Trading. Now..

Suzuki Liana. Reasonably-Priced Car.

9,995. Tara liked it. She did.

Jonathan Ross said it was a 'beast'. He did.

Jay Kay described it as all right.
And he's a rock star.

He's a rock star, and at 9,995, it's a bargain.

But this week, I got an email
from a Suzuki main dealer,

they said, HAH, not 9,995, 8,995.

That's a very reasonably-priced car!

Well, I thought so as well.

And then, I got 2 more emails
from 2 more main dealers, 7,995.

That's an insanely reasonably-priced car!

It is. I think we would change the feature,

it's now A Star in A Reasonably-Priced
Heavily-Discounted Car. Absolutely.

Now, it's that time of the year again,
we're building up to Christmas,

and a little used-car buying tip for you all.

Some of the big PLCs,
some of the big used-car operations,

have to dispose a stop before the year end.

Basically it's to do with some of
their financial constraints,

they have to carry a certain amount
of stocking to the new year.

So they're gonna sell a load of cars?

They're gonna sell a load of cars.

That doesn't tend to affect the smaller dealers,

the family-run businesses and so forth,

it's the big ones, the PLCs.

So, knowing that,
if you're gonna go into any of those places

to buy used cars in the next,
probably 4-5 weeks, yeah?

Keep that in the back of your mind,
you're gonna get a storming deal.

So they may not be advertised,
but you know that it's just..

Absolutely. They're not gonna advertise that fact,

but now you know it, so go in and do that deal.

Okay, finance. Right.

Loads of people, me included,
use finance to buy a car.

Interest rate is pretty low at the moment,
good time to use it.

But when you come to part-exchange a car,

if you still got some finance outstanding on it,

you obviously have got to settle it.

Now, when you do a deal at a garage,

9 times out of 10,
they will take care of settling that for you.

In other words, they will send the cheque off
to the finance company,

take it out of the value of your car.

Why did they do that?

Well, really, there are piece in mind,

'cause until the finance is settled,

they can't trade the car,
they can't auction the car, okay?

So they're gonna get off the finance register.

And normally that's fine, but,
a friend of mine this week

got a letter from his finance company,

saying that he still owed 5,000 pounds finance,

and he part-exchanged the car back in August.

So the dealer hadn't paid it off?

Basically the dealer hadn't paid it off,

and he is still liable for that.

Now, worse than that, he then goes to phone the dealer.

"You've made a mistake," you know.

And they've gone bust.

We're not talking about small dealer,

we're talking about main Ford dealer has gone bust.

So your mate is, then, presumably liable for

the outstanding finance on the car
despite having sold it on.

So what can we do to avoid that happening?

One or two things. Either settle the finance yourself,

or secondly, if the dealer still insist
that they wanna do it,

see the cheque that they're gonna send off.

When you do the deal, go in and pick your car,

see the cheque they're gonna send.

And then, please, phone the finance company,

and make sure that it's done a few days later.

Then you're safe.

Okay, today we've been talking about cool cars,

so I thought I'll show you a used car
that's never gone out of fashion.

The Volkswagen Golf.

There are cars that are cheaper,
there are cars that are prettier,

and there are cars that can drive better.

But if we're talking about style,
if we're talking about the X-factor,

then we've got to talk about the Golf.

When it was launched in 1974,

the Golf defined what the small hatchback
was all about.

And in the '80s, the Mark II secured the car's status,

as a style icon, with the help of some brilliant TV ads.

And in the caring, sharing '90s,

the Mark III Golf once again
captured the mood of the times.

But selling itself is safe and green,

even though it was heavy and dull
compared to its predecessors.

A lot of people said with the Mark III,

"the Volkswagen should stop making the Golf.
It's gone too soft."

But they didn't.

Launched in 1998, the Mark IV has the same

dependable, reliable characters of the Mark III.

Although these later versions will never deliver

the excitement of the Mark I and Mark II,

if you're using your head rather than your heart,

they're definitely the best second-hand buy.

You can pick up a good mid-'90s Mark III
for about 4 grand,

or the later Mark IV, with reasonable mileage,
for about 6.5.

The reasons of these cars
hold their value so well is the styling.

I mean, it's very conservative.

You could buy a Mark III, which is quite a lot cheaper than the Mark IV,

nobody would look at you and go, "oh, cheap-skate."

But it still looks the part.

As a used-car, this is the ultimate
get-out-of-jail-free car.

If you park one of these on your drive,

your neighbours will never know
how well you're doing or not.

So, what about engines?

Well, you could go for 1.4,
but they're desperately slow.

Then you've got the 1.6 and the 2-litre.

I'm actually going for the 1.6,

it's only 15 brake horsepower less,
and it's a couple of insurance groups lower.

My recommendation is, if you want

a second-hand Golf for its real performance,

buy a diesel.

You can buy a second-hand Golf diesel

with 110, 130, or 150 brake horsepower,

but combine that with the torque
you get from the diesel,

and then embarrass any of the petrols.

So if you fancy buying a used Golf,
what else do you need to know?

Well, a couple of things,

Number 1, unless you've got to,
I would stay clear of buying the Automatic.

It's only a 4-speed gearbox in all
but the latest models.

With that, you're gonna damp performance and economy.

One thing that is worth hunting down,
there is air-conditioning.

It's not standard on most models,
but it's a really nice option to have.

Oh, and finally, colour. Colour is very important.

This should be the most desirable Golf
that money can buy.

It's a GT TDi, it's even got air-conditioning.

But look at the colour!

It's a horrible horrible green
with a horrible horrible interior!

Which means that this car is worth 500 pounds less

than a blue one, or a silver one, or a black one...

You see, the Golf has always had style,

but in this colour, it's out of fashion.

So Jason, you're always telling us
clever ways to save a few quid, yeah?

And we can save 500 quid by
buying it in the wrong colour.

So logically, you buy in the wrong colour
and save the money, don't you?

Yeah, you got to live with the car, though, haven't you?

I mean, there's just nothing worse than

driving something that you really are ashamed of.

You can get it right,
I mean some cars work in some colours, don't they?

Oh, yeah, I mean there's classic colours,

like Jaguar's, it's silvers, it's blue, it's green,
all that kind of stuff.

And what's that launch colour
you see on car sometimes?

Just like a yellow-y autumnal barley gold..

Oh, for heaven's sake!

They have enough for their autumnal colours.

I want to get back to my Cool Wall,
which I've just thought of again.

The reason is, it's because of the Mercedes SL.

Now, the '60s version,
photograph of which I have here,

that's very cool.

Kate Moss has one, we all agreed on that?

Definitely goes here, right? Sub-Zero.

But then, in the '70s and the '80s,

they had this version, okay?

What do we think?

Uncool. Bobby Ewing had one in Dallas,
that says it all.

It's going there.

Now, that was replaced by this one,
and this one, I'm afraid,

had the kiss of death.

Quentin Wilson bought one.

Where's it going?

Seriously Uncool. Over there.

But, now, there's a new Mercedes SL
for the 21st Century,

and we've got one over here.

Now, the question I have is, can you buy one?

I don't mean can you afford one,
67,000 pounds is what it costs.

I mean, can you buy one,

could you drive around in this
without people openly laughing at you?

Well, this is the 500, okay?

And I think the answer is, no.

But this has a big brother.

This is it, the AMG-tuned SL55,

the fastest automatic car in the world.

Its supercharged 5.5L V8 engine
churns out nearly 500 brake horsepower,

and that means a top speed,
if you take the restrictor off,

of more than 200 mph.

But I'm not going 200 mph,

in fact, I'm not even going 20 mph.

And there's a very good reason for that.

Most of the cars that we feature on Top Gear

are borrowed from huge faceless car manufacturers.

We simply keep them for a week,

and then give them back when the tyres are worn out.

But this one is different.

This one.. belongs to me.

I bought it. My money, and my tyres,
and I'm not gonna wear them out.

I sold a Ferrari 355 to buy this.

That was a fabulous car,

but it was as relaxing as being tickled.

The Mercedes can play that game, too,

but I don't like the Ferrari.

It's also good at Chess.

After a hard day at work,
..not that I've had a hard day at work,

but if I were to ever have a hard day at work,

I'll be able to waft home in this in absolute luxury.

It's got all the same toys that
we saw in the S-Class last week,

you know, the seats, air-condition,

and they massage you as you drive along,

I've got TV, CD, telephone,

I've got radar-guided cruise-control, voice activation.

I just go, CD3, Track 5.

The Ferrari could never do this,

not this silence, softness, quietness.

And here's something else the Ferrari could never do.

When the sky is blue, you just push a button,

and in 16 seconds, the roof is gone.

So now, the comfortable grand-tourer
has been converted

into a 2-seater sports car.

But don't think any of the practicality has been lost.

Even though that metal roof and the big glass window

has been folded into the boot,

there is still space in here for my suitcase,

my briefcase, and 16 changes of clothing.

This is such a well thought-out car.

You needn't even worry about
your Wilmslow weave coming off,

because if you push this button here,
the rollover bar pops up,

and in the middle of it, there's a wind deflecter.

Keep your Prestbury perm in place.

Your Haslemere highlights,

you're gonna have the most expensive
hairdo in the world,

and it'll be safe.

I, however, have a very cheap hairdo,

so we'll put it back down again.

In fact, I don't have a hairdo at all,
I just have hair.

Occasionally, though, you capture a glimpse of

those aluminium slashes on the bonnet,

which I like.. like a big cat's claws.

And you think, I'm wasting this car.

I've got to open the taps just.. just a little bit.

Now we're doing 7 mpg,

the traction control is on full alert,

and it sounds like a World War II fighter.

This is the kind of noise, deep, resonating noise,
that hurts dogs.

When I come home at night in this,

my Labradors stick their paws in their ears.

...and whimper.

They actually use one of these as a Pace Car,

a kind of Safety Car in Grand Prix races.

And if you're watching, even on TV,

you can hear it, a sort of baritone backdrop
to the shrieking soprano F1 motors.

In a straight line, it monsters the 355,

but then it does have 100 more brake horsepower.

It's not all sweetness and light, though.

It doesn't have the finesse of the Ferrari.

If you run over a pothole, the suspension crashes,

and through the corners,
there's no getting away from the fact that

you are driving a pretty heavy old hector.

So, how do we sum it up then?

The Ferrari is like a stiletto, sleek, accurate, deadly.

This one, on the other hand, is more like a hummer.

Big, a bit clumsy, but it'll still kill you.

Actually, not a hummer,
it's more like a Swiss Army Knife.

It's a top-down funster, a long-distance cruiser,

a muscle car, a Messerschmitt ME109, a pose-mobile,

and if your horse gets a stone in its shoe,
it can deal with that, too.

So Jeremy, you think, then, the AMG version,
that is a cool car?

I think the engine rescues it, yes.

But I am aware the rest of it is quite Northern.

And that's the trouble, you see,
I am a Northern person,

I like onyx coffee tables.

No, I do. I'm sorry, I do.

You know, I know I shouldn't
have a carpit in my bathroom,

I know that, but I've got one.

You have a drinks globe, don't you, Jeremy?

I haven't got a drinks globe,

but secretly in there, I want one. And that's it.

And on that bombshell, really, we have to end the show.

Um, actually, we don't, that's not strictly correct.

You see, this whole SL thing. Your car, in particular.

Do you not think it's ever so slightly camp?

Just, you know, all these things and bits and pieces.

Well, we did, so I had a bit of..

Michelle, can you bring this in?

We had a little bit of look on the Internet,

you know, your favourite place, Jeremy.

This is a website, now it's called OutUK,

and it's for the gay men.

It's kind of a lifestyle thing.

It's got everything you need for your gay lifestyle.

It's got, you know, what to watch on television.

If the SL is in here, it's for sale.

It does have car stuff in here,

they've had a look down, look, there you see,

the auto erotic, oh love it, there's a little Smart.

And then we found the Top 10 gayest cars.

And if you look at Number 4,

which is quite near the top, really,

that's the Mercedes SL55 AMG.

That's your car.

And do you know what's even more worrying is that

the car I've just singled out for particular praise,

the Jeep Wrangler, is at Number 2!

Is there anything you need to..?

It's not just the onyx coffee table,

it's not just the carpit in bathroom,

I'm coming out!

And the other point is, this is a fast car..

How many more points have you got that I don't know?

This is a fast car, isn't it?

This isn't. Mine is. The AMG.

We noticed The Stig didn't drive it.

No. there's no way I was gonna let The Stig..

Seriously, I was not gonna let The Stig drive it.

'cause it is your car. Exactly.

Yeah, but we let The Stig drive it
when we stole the key.

You're joking!

Oh, that was a useless start.

It was a very quick start! It was a good one!

It wasn't, he'll have broken the diff
and the clutch and everything, I will kill him.

That's in proper speed.

It's got 1 minute 23 to beat, and it's trying hard.

That's very very.. It's gone off the track!

And there we are, and it crosses the line in..

My car is what he crosses the line in.

Yes, but also, in 1 minute 33,
which is extremely quick,

in fact, because that's a wet time,

if you knock the 4 seconds off that,

that means it's as fast or faster
than the Lamborghini Murcielago,

so your car is very very fast.

Gay, but very very fast.

And you got it back in one piece. Happy?

No, I'm not happy.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not happy.

And that really is the end of your life.

And the show.

From here, from everyone, good night!

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