Top Gear (2002–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Grannies Doing Doughnuts - full transcript

CLARKSON: In tonight's show,
grannies doing doughnuts.

Is the new Mini any good?

An ultimate force
in a reasonably-priced car.

And the bed spring with
a bike engine takes on
the Zonda around our track.

CLARKSON: Hello. Now,
we're talking tonight
predominantly about style.

The problem is that everyone
in the normal world thinks that

petrol heads like us
really are a bit geeky,

bit nerdy,

that we spend all day
in the loft, downloading stuff
off the internet.

So, with that in mind,

-I've ditched the jeans tonight,



and gone for a cargo-style pant,

-which I've teamed
with a blazer.
-Nice.

And you've teamed a tablecloth
with a shirt.

Stitched in neatly.

-And you're wearing a tent.
-Tucked in.

-As usual.

Um, and it's not just
our attire as well,

we've rearranged the audience
tonight.

We've got the good-looking ones
here.

This guy, look at him.

-Very, very fine.
-This is a male model really.

-You're staying there.
-You stay there.

You get us a good image.
We've put the really...

-ugly ones...at the back.
-At the back.



Anyone with a spot.
See this guy here.

-Do you see this guy?
-Yeah.

I can't make my mind up whether
he is Robin Askwith

-out of the window cleaner
films.
-Yeah.

-Or Keith Emerson from Emerson,
Lake and Palmer.
-Kind of a hybrid.

So, If the floor manager,
the guy with the microphone
comes up to you

and says, "Can you move,"
it's 'cos you're ugly.

-Don't be hurt. You're ugly.
-Don't be hurt.

We've also got
some car designers in.

Umm, they're over there.

-Look at them, all shiny.
-Yeah.

You're never gonna make it.

To be a car designer,
you have to wear black
and look like a Chechen rebel.

They look like
an Oasis tribute band.

Of course, we're not being
helped this week,

the Motor Show,
didn't you see?

they ran a commercial
to go to the Motor Show
which we've got here.

And they basically used
a semi-naked girl.

And there were all sorts of
semi-naked girls at the...

-NEC.
-At the NEC in Birmingham.

The woman who complained,

she is the new
Labour minister of

something or other,
Patricia Hewitt.

-She's quite fit, actually.
-She is.

Maybe it's a power thing.
I don't know.

She's got something.

But really using sex
to sell cars,
it is very "last week"

and it's uncool.

In fact, I can't think
of anything more uncool
than that.

-Strangely enough Jeremy, I can.
-Really?

The news this week,
Transport 2000,

you've probably heard of them,
campaigning group.

-Mm.
-Great name.

-Two years ago,
it would've been great.
-Yeah.

Did they not see that
coming in '99?

"We could have a problem
with our name, guys."

Anyway, they're taking
the Government to court

because they want the government
to stop painting speed cameras
fluorescent yellow.

They want them
to be grey and hidden
so they catch more motorists.

-I think that's really...
-I'll tell you what,
I've got the thing here.

Transport 2000, just so you know
who they are.

They say, on their own...
I think
this is their own website.

"Transport 2000's vision
is of a country

"where traffic no longer
dominates our lives,

"where many journeys
can be made on foot or cycle
or using public transport.

"Where you don't need a car
to enjoy
the countryside or city life."

What's the word I can use
at this time of night?

I've gotta go to Newcastle.
Do I walk?

Places are a long way apart.
That's why we have cars.

Anyway, let's get on.

Now, whenever I pull over
for petrol these days,

someone I can guarantee
will walk over and say,

"Have you driven
the new Mini yet?"

Everybody has the same question.

Excuse me.
Do you mind if
I can just perch here?

Thanks very much.
"What is it like?"

Not me, though. My question is,
"What on earth
is an Aquadrome?"

I guess, we've all driven up
the M1,

and we've all seen
that brown sign that says

Billing Aquadrome.
Turn-off 16?

Is it 16?
Yeah, 16.

To Billing Aquadrome.
What is that?

So I thought we could kill
two birds with one stone.

Take the new Mini up there,
find out what it's like

and find out
what an Aquadrome is.

CLARKSON: There are three
different types of Mini.

There's the supercharged
Cooper S,

the normal Cooper,

and bottom of the range,
this one - the Mini One.

£10,500 worth of simple,
end-of-the-pier,
no-nonsense fun.

A bit like Billing Aquadrome,
then.

Turns out
it's a caravan site.

Fun for all the family.

Star turns every night,
go-karts during the day

and peaceful swan
pedalo rides
in the evening.

You can stay here in a caravan.

£9 a night.
£9!

£11 if you want electricity.

And there's a choice
of three restaurants.

All you can eat: £6.95.

Come here, eat chips,

have a nice time.
Fantastic.

'60s living then,
to suit a '60s car.

I was a huge fan
of the old Mini

and I really thought that
BMW would mess this one up.

But they haven't,
they've actually
improved it.

The dash is brilliant.

I no longer have to drive
with my knees
wrapped around my ears.

And your spine doesn't shatter
every time you run over
a piece of grit.

It's a wonderful,
comfortable car.
Just brilliant.

Of course. Because it now
has some suspension,

it doesn't fly through
the corners like a go-kart.

But you can still have fun
with it.

I've driven cars
costing five times
more than this

which are five times less
of a hoot.

You would love this car

and you'd continue to love it
even when it was time
to sell.

Used Minis are actually
fetching more on the
second-hand market

than they cost
to buy new.

So, which model to buy?

Well, let me give you
a Top Gear top tip.

Buy the cheapest one.

It has exactly the same
single overhead camshaft,

1.6-litre engine
as the Cooper.

The only difference
is a little tiny chip
in the on-board computer.

So, you buy the cheap car,
you save £1,300,

and then you change the chip.

That will cost you £385.

I just saved you £1,000!

But should you take me
up on it?

Should you buy a Mini at all?

You see,
the wheel base on this car,

the distance between
the back wheels
and the front ones,

is exactly the same
as on a Land Rover Discovery.

So where's all the space gone?

There's tons in the front,
but in the back,

there's absolutely no legroom
at all.

And, while the new Mini
has a hatchback,

the old one didn't of course,
look at the size of its boot.

In the old Mini,
Blue Peter used to be able
to get 42 Boy Scouts in the back

but we can't even get,
look at this,
one BBC sound recordist.

In fact,
we can't even get his leg
and he's not a big lad.

Really.

That really is hopeless.

And you know,
if a Martian came to Earth,

and you explained what
you could normally get
into a car this size,

four doors,
space for the family

space for the dog,
he'd say, "What's a dog?"

Then when you'd explained
that, he'd say,

"Well, plainly,
this is hopeless.
That's much more like it!"

It's the Toyota Yaris Verso.

Same sort of money
as the Mini One.

Little bit smaller
on the outside,

but look at what you get
on the inside.

Three full seats at the back
and look at all that legroom.

And what's more,

these two outer seats
actually fold into the floor.

Let me show you how.

Fold that down...
No, that's not it.

Ah!

There's some floor there.

Now, it just goes in there.

Bugger.
Jesus.

That's not going to go in.
Like that.

Um... Oh, hold on,

I've found
another lever, catch thing.

That slides more in.

Oh dear, I don't think
this is supposed
to have happened.

I've no idea how it works.

I'll tell you what,
I'll do it on the other side.

That's the thing you trap
your fingers on.
Be careful with that.

Oh, the floor's still here.
There we go.

That should just slide in
really smoothly in there.

There we go!

It's in! Easy!

Completely flat floor.

Great.

So, as a practical proposition
then,

the Yaris Verso plainly

knocks the Mini
into a cocked hat.

This really is,
once you've read
the instruction book

obviously and got
the hang of it all,

a very, very practical car.

In here, you get a lot of toys.

You get air-conditioning
as standard,

you don't get that
with the Mini,

and look at that
3D digital dash!

That's Martian technology,
that is.

Aimed at the young
kid-about-town who drinks
lattes and eats wheat juice,

it crushes the Mini
like a beetle.

And yet, something about it
is not quite right.

Could it be the name?

Yaris Verso,

that sounds like it could be
a full-back at Arsenal.

Or is it the styling?

Yes, that's it.

It's perfect in every way,

except it looks like
an ugly snake

that's swallowed a wardrobe.

See, that's the thing
these days,

as a functional car,

this is much better than this.

But when Madonna needed
to buy a new car,

she bought a Mini.

and so did Zoe Ball,

and Kate Moss,
and Harry Enfield and Jo Whiley.

They all bought Minis.
Style sells.

That's why engineers
are made these days

to work in cellars
with no money
and little food.

The superstars of the car world
are the designers.

I've got one of them here.

A chap called Peter Horbury.

Now, Peter's the boss
of everything now,

Ford, Jaguar...
the lot really.

But you were best known
for turning Volvo

from making pea-green
half-bricks into...

-Well, what?
-Blue half-bricks, I suppose.

I really like
the way this car looks.

Well, I think
the function of Volvo
was very, very evident.

It was a safe, practical car.

But, I think there's nothing
wrong with adding style

to something
which is functional.

With this car, what we did
with the designers,
we asked them

design a car with the front
of a sports car,

and the back of
a Ford Transit.

Just weld the two together
and...

-And that's what you've got.
-Smooth it out in between.

In essence, yes, because if
you look at the front,

very curved,
very rounded, very sporty.

In fact, the pillars...
the screen pillars are angled
well in,

much more than the older Volvos,

-quite curvy.
-CLARKSON: Look.

And if you go down the car,
you'll see how
the side glass pivots out.

That means, that by the time
it gets to the luggage area,

where you need the box,
it's still there.

Together with that,
the vertical tailgate creates
the boxy Volvo.

But only where you need it.

It doesn't mess up
the rest of the design.

And you're always banging on
about how you need to have

national characteristics
in a car,

for it to really work.

So this has to look Swedish.

Which to me, sounds like
gobbledegook. 'Cos I can't...
What is Swedish?

Well, Swedish, both
the fact
it's a caring society,

therefore, everyone is looked
after in a Volvo.

It's a very...
they're very practical people,

therefore
we have the estate car.

But I think it's more than that,

you can also put the visual
character of a country
into a car.

Let me show you.

-He'll do a Rolf Harris
moment now.
-Draw now.

-Let's see if you can still
do this.
-Yeah.

Think back to the forties.

And a typical car
in Britain was,

from the front, very,
very curvaceous,

very round.
Lots of full, voluptuous shapes.

-Typical of a car
anywhere in that era.
-Yeah, yeah.

But in Sweden,
they were different.

Sort of very simple verticals,
horizontal

with a radius in between,

and then the same shapes
on the grille.

This is the Volvo 544.

-You don't recognise it.
-CLARKSON: No, I don't.

AS ROLF: Do you see what it is,
yet?
Oh, the Volvo 544.

-It's a totally different form.
-Yeah.

Especially, if you look at
other products of the time,
take for example, furniture.

Imagine an armchair,
good old British 1940s,
1950s armchair,

had the same sort of
form language as the car.

But over in Sweden, different.

Very simple, same flat shapes
and curves.

That's the way
wood bends, so that's how
they built chairs.

I'm spellbound by this.

-So like this,
we've got one here.
-Here's one here.

-You see the simple flat wood,
big radius...straight down.
-Swedish chair.

Same form language
again.

And that is how we designed
the shoulders on the Volvo.

Where many cars would grow
outwards and downwards
to a point here,

the Volvo comes straight out,
and there's a big radius,

-just like the chair.
-The chair.

I thought that was
to make it look solid.
I thought that you have these,

this bit sticking out,
so it actually looked like,
a big lump, sort of...

Well, it does, it is a visual
representation of the side
impact protection system.

'Cos the thing is though,
the national characteristics

you can, I suppose
still see it a bit,

-in Jaguars and so on.
-Yeah. Absolutely.

But then the Japanese,
they have never really
had any...

They do now. I think they do.

In fact, a Japanese car
is full of detail.

Because Japanese people
can single out a detail
and appreciate it.

Like a row of Japanese houses,
they are all different.

One is one size, one colour.
The next house
is totally different.

The third house
is something else.

We see it as a visual mess,
we Westerners.

But the Japanese
can look at each house
individually.

-Really?
-Yeah.

The page of a Japanese magazine
is visual mayhem to us.
But to them, it's quite simple.

You look at one detail
at a time.

Your favourite car,
I happen to know,
is this Porsche 928.

The 928. Yes.

Now. Why?
What was it?

I mean, I think
it's a lovely-looking car,
not the best ever.

But why do you think
this is so good?

I think it's very,
very significant.

I mean...
Don't forget, this is 1976,

when other cars
were folded-paper
type designs,

like the old Sirocco. Golf.

And this was very new.

All rounded, beautiful forms,
almost aircraft-like.

No bumpers, it had
the first integrated bumpers.

-CLARKSON: You could kick those,
couldn't you?
-Yeah.

It was a pure design.
There's not a blemish
on the surface.

It's just pure form,
and I think that was
very new then, and very unique.

-And it lasted, didn't it?
-Well, not many cars
would last the course of time.

20 years, this lasted.
Almost unchanged.

Now, the interesting thing is
about this car,

is that when it came out,
I believe...or shortly after
it came out, anyway,

-you were working at Ford.
-Yes.

And you thought you'd take
certain elements of this car

-and put them onto a car
you were designing at the time.
-Right.

So does anybody here
want to have a guess

what car Peter
thought he'd made
look like a 928?

-MAN: Capri?
-No. Not a Capri.
Let's just show everybody.

Ready?
This, you think,
looks like a 928.

-Ahem, yes.
-That is a Ford Sierra XR4.

I've never looked at one and,
"God, that guy's got a Porsche!
No, wait, it's a Ford Sierra."

-Which bit did you think,
when you were doing?
-Well,

the one detail in this one,
this particular XR4,

which was absolutely identical
to this,

was the side windows.

Because here was one of the most
exquisite forms we felt,

in the automotive world,
at the time.

This wonderful,
almost aircraft-like style
side window

in that very clean door,

followed by this unique,
wrapover second window.

-Yeah...
-Well, here it is.

The front door window,
plus the second window.

Because we just painted
that black

-to create one shape...
-Yes...

-..and then followed it with...
-If I stand back,
will that help?

-If you half close your eyes,
it helps even more.

If you fully close your eyes,
it helps even more.

Oh, yes, I've got it now.
That's a 928, definitely.

-For the moment, Peter,
thanks very much.
-You're welcome.

No disrespect to Peter,
but I am sorry
I can't agree.

Porsche 928 the best-looking car
in the world? No.
Not in my opinion.

Because if you ask me, this is.

It's the Citroen DS.
And it's gorgeous.

But more importantly
than that,
it was launched in 1955.

55. Let me put that
into perspective.

There you were in the '50s,
at your mangle
doing your laundry.

And then somebody comes along
and gives you
one of these!

It was mind-boggling!

Can you imagine
having the creativity

to sit down
at your drawing board
in 1955,

when most cars still looked
like sideboards,

and draw this as a car.

It's genius.

For me, and for
a lot of other people as well,

this is possibly
one of the most
beautiful cars ever.

It's so petite around the tail,

but it's got that slightly
angular look.

And then towards the front,
it widens out to the nose.

Those big, elegant eyes
look feline.

And then this
upright expanse of glass.

Half the car is so rakish,

then you sit upright
here looking out,
it's so stately.

It's astonishing.
On the first day
the world saw this,

12,000 people said,
"I like that.
I'm going to buy one."

They sold 12,000
on the first day ever.

Now, I should say we're not
being strictly honest here,

because this is
a 1972 Citroen DS.
But let's get one thing clear.

The car they introduced
in 1955,

apart from a few
really rather minor
cosmetic changes,

was built for 20 years,
until 1975.

So there must have been
something right with it.

By the '70s,
it got even cleverer.

Maybe even a bit too clever
for its own good.

The headlamps swivelled
with the steering wheel.

It wasn't just the looks
that were futuristic,

and boy, were they futuristic.

It was everything else
about the car.

For a start, those looks
are the result of aerodynamics,

which then was considered
still by many people to be
something akin to witchcraft.

And that's not all.
Here's the really clever bit.

Remember the '50s
was a time

when most of the world
was still using mangles.

And this had disc brakes.

It had a central
hydraulic system

that controlled the suspension,
the brakes, the steering,

and in cars with,
wait for it,

a semi-automatic transmission,

the gear changes, as well.

All in 1955!

I hate this
when I drive old cars.
I really want one.

Now, I want one.

I think I might be getting
the hang of this now.

But, I 've gotta be honest,
it's not the easiest thing
to drive at first.

The column shift
which is very slick,
it's just a bit different.

Once you have got
the hang of it,
it's great.

I'm in the wrong gear,
but it's great.

Hmm. I'm not convinced.
I quite like the car, quite,

but it's the people
who drive DSs.

That's the problem for me.

You just get the sense that
they would never come out
of a pub

and put a traffic cone
on their head and
reel down the street.

And that's the point.
That's why
you're missing the point.

I mean, you're the man,
remember,

who has consistently,
several years running, won
Britain's Worst-Dressed Man.

-Even in your cargo-pants suit,
-No, not now! '

-teamed with a...
-I've been on a makeover
programme now.

-It's a car that
you're just missing.
-Now, later in the programme,

I'll be showing you
what I think
is the best-looking car ever.

-I don't like it.
-You don't know
what it is!

I don't care,
I don't like it.

Couple of weeks ago
on this show,

we set out to prove that
not all old people
are dreadful drivers.

We invited grannies to come
on the show
and do some doughnuts for us.

We were inundated
with responses.

So we picked these five
lovely ladies
to have a go.

MAN: Welcome to the Top Gear
Granny Doughnut Challenge.

These are the grannies
as you know,
and the car they'll be driving

is a sporty rear-wheel drive
Honda S2000.

-Oh, it's gorgeous.
-You like it?

It's fantastic.
Yes, I do.

-Are you going in the back?
-No!

My son is going in the back!

HAMMOND:
But before the doughnuts,
it was cake time.

You put your layers,
you spread it over with lard,

and then put your layers
of mixed fruit and cinnamon
and sugar in.

If you go in the WI market, you
want to get your food there,
because that's all home-made.

-Can I get my bramble jelly
there?
-You can.

-You can.
-Should be able to.

MAN: The man
who'll be teaching them
is ace stunt driver Russ Swift.

The idea is you want to
approach it fairly slowly.

It's not a very fast manoeuvre
at all.

First gear, and then
you're going to turn
as if going in a circle,

and then you'll probably
dip the clutch, build the revs
up and spin the back wheels.

And what'll happen then...

HAMMOND: Obviously, chalk on
a blackboard is no substitute
for the smell of burning rubber

in the morning,
as Russ demonstrates.

Ooh!

His front wheels are almost...

-Easy-peasy.
-Do it again.
See if you can do it again.

-Did you bring
your incontinence pads?!
-No, I didn't.

All right. Now, we've seen
how you're meant
to do it, OK?

We'll find out how
they got on, later on.

I can't wait to see
those grannies trying that.
I just can't wait.

But we're going
to have to, because

every week
we have a celebrity guest.

And now it's time to meet him,

he is the star
of Ultimate Force and also
of something called EastEnders.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ross Kemp!

-How are you? All right?
-Very well. Have a seat.

-Could your granny do that?

My granny's 86.

She doesn't really
do doughnuts anymore.
She makes nice apple pies.

Have you ever tried one?

Yes, unsuccessfully,
I'm not that good
at doing things like that.

You do all your own
stunt driving, don't you?

I don't do all my stunt driving.
I do a lot of it.

Especially
when we're in EastEnders.

You know, the guys
I worked with can testify that
I'm not...

telling porkie pies now.

-I did most of it.
-Who are they?

Over there.
Wave, boys.

-Did he do his stunts?
-Rob!

"He did".
Thank you very much.
I'll see you later.

What do you drive?
Go on. Let me...

I can't guess, actually.

I drive a 996 Turbo.

-Oh, a 911?
-Yeah.

-It's quite a nice car.
-t's a very nice car.

Actually, it is.
I hate to say this

'cos I've always hated 911s.

-Why?
-The engine is in the wrong
place.

Where should it be then?
Where the driver is,
at the back? No...

-No...
-It's in the middle of the car.

911, it was in the back.
But now it sits
in the centre of the car,

which is where
the Formula One engine is.

It's a rear-engine car, still.

Even now,
it is a rear engine.
Am I right?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah.
-No.

They're all car bores here.

We had a thing last week
where I said,

"Would you, to any
of the people watching at home

like to nominate someone
who you think is a car bore?"

We thought we'd get
six or seven replies.

Do you know how many people
wrote in and said,
"I am living with a car bore"?

1,500.
All women!

Every single one of them.

One of them said,

"My boyfriend
reads a Haynes manual in bed
every night."

For a car he doesn't own!

I want to play this game.

We played it
with Jay Kay
who came on the show last week.

He was frighteningly good
at it.

You know, you start off
with a little something

and we'll see if
we can guess.
I have no clue.

Audience, you're more than
welcome to join in.

Let's bring the first one up.
See if we can guess
what it is.

That's a...

-What?
-MAN: An Audi TT.

Audi TT?
Let's have a look.
Pull it out a bit.

-It is, it's a TT.
-As you can tell.

You are pathetic!

Well, both of us
got blasted there.
Let's have the next one.

Oh, I know what that is
I reckon.

-Do you want to
hazard a guess?
-Not a clue.

One only car firm
still puts its hinges
on the outside.

I don't even know
which car firm that is.

Solihull, I reckon.

I am going to
have a stab at this one.
Land Rover.

-A Defender. Go out.
-You're right.

-Feeling confident.
-You're right.

Ooh, I've got one!

That's the first one
I've had in two weeks.

There it is.
Good one, that one. Let's have
a look at the next one.

ROSS: Calibra...?

CLARKSON: Calibra shape, but
the headlamps are too modern
for it.

Um.

-Anyone? Come on.
-C'mon.

-MAN: Alfa Romeo?
-Alfa Romeo what?

-MAN: Punto.
-It's a Punto.

How do you know?
You can't even see!

All these people
are doing courses
in designing cars, I believe.

If that's a Punto...
it could be a Seat actually.

No, it's not.
It's got to be a Punto.

-Do you have a girlfriend?

Do you talk to your girlfriend
about that sort of thing?

You walk down the street
like this going,
"That's a..."

"It's a Hillman Hunter."
Come on. Let's bring up
another one.

OK. Here we go.

That's a Boxster,
isn't it?

-Is it a Boxster?
-Or it could be a turbo.

-Let's have a look. Pull out.
Let's see if Ross...
-Turbo.

Is it a...

-It's your car!
-It is my car.

That's why I got that one!
Well done, Ross.

Your 911, you don't just potter
about in it, either.

I mean, do you
wanna... OK...

Just tell the nice
ladies and gentlemen what you
did for your holiday last year.

I got in the car,
which I wanted to enjoy
obviously,

'cos that's why you buy
things like that
if you save up for them.

And I drove round
the west coast
of France,

through Spain, up into Italy,
from Italy into Switzerland,

then into Germany,
then from Germany
back into France,

then back home.

That's a pathetic holiday.

How many times...
How long did it take?

Not long.
About five days?

Five days?

We hammered it.
It was about six days.

We didn't sleep,
we just drove.

-Even...
-It was two of us driving.

It's not a holiday then!

No, but it was for me.
I loved it,
I enjoyed every second of it.

There's things you can do
on the autobahns you obviously
can't do in this country

and that's what
the car was designed for.

-Going fast.
-How fast did you go?

200?

-Up to 200.
-Over 200?

Up to 200, yeah.
It goes up to 200.

And talking of speed,
of course you're not just here
to chat and play silly games.

Oh, no. Go...

He was brought here,
same as all our
celebrity guests,

to play
Star In A Reasonably-Priced Car.

-The idea is...
-It's a very good car.

Absolutely is.
We put our celebrity guest
earlier on,

into our Suzuki Liana,
£10,000
of throbbing muscle...

-It's a good car.
-We send you out,
round the track,

and we film it,
see how fast you can do it,

end of the series
we name
Britain's fastest celebrity.

We're going to be seeing
it later because
it's got to be edited.

But for now, ladies
and gentlemen.
Ross Kemp!

On this week's insider trading,
we've got some real bargains.

Ever fancied an Alfa Romeo?

-Yeah, I think most people
have at some point.
-166. Gorgeous-looking car.

-166, the big one.
It is a glamorous car.
-Great looking car.

The only problem
with the Alfa Romeo is,

it may depreciate,
and cost a lot
to keep on the road.

But you can get one now
direct from Alfa Romeo,
brand new, for £349 a month.

That's not that much,
how does this work?

Contract hire.
£1,000 deposit,

and then 35 months
at £350 a month.

You can drive that car
for three years,

and enjoy,
even have the servicing paid,
then hand it back.

These are these personal
contract plans?

It's actually contract hire.
You've got to be VAT registered.

But it's so cheap.
Unbelievable.

350 a month.
I mean, what would you pay
for other cars?

Well, did the checks,
phoned up
some leasing companies.

For £350 a month,
you could drive instead,
a Vectra.

-Nice.
-Diesel!

Oh. Glamorous.

Or a 406 - diesel!

This is the one that was
a close-run thing for me -

a fully loaded
Skoda Octavia!

Really?
I think I'll take the Alfa.

There are other cars,
like Mercedes 5-series?

-How would that be?
-Two litre, a 2.2-litre
on a 520 BMW.

You're looking at about
£100 a month more.

-It's a big difference.
-£452 I got on a Merc E class.

-Glamorous Italian car
on the cheap. Nice one.
-So cheap.

Only lasts a month.
So November's your month
to do it.

-Do it now.
-Another absolute bargain,
this time on a used car.

Daewoo.
They went into liquidation.

The administrators are now
trying to get rid of
all the stock,

all the staplers,
the computers, the whole lot.

And part of that deal is,
they've got to get rid
of the cars.

-All the company.
-All the company...

700 used Daewoos
are just
hitting the marketplace.

-What, right now?
-Right now.

They're actually going to
auction this week. So...

by next week,
they'll be on dealer forecourts.

So presumably, Daewoos
are cheap cars anyway,

-does this mean,
they're gonna be cheap-cheap?
-Absolutely.

A Lanos which would
have costed £10,500 new.

You can pick one of those
up, probably about 18 months old
for just over £4,000.

But if there's that many,
700 odd cars?

Is that enough
to affect a whole market?

Does that mean,
all Daewoos are now
gonna be cheap?

-Or even cheaper.
-Even cheaper.

Yeah, absolutely.
I mean there is
some nervousness, because

GM have taken over.
They'll build a new network.

And probably by this time
next year,

there will be 100 new dealers
out there so you'll get
your service and warranty.

But in the next few months,
if you want
a cheap car, it's not bad.

-£4,000.
-That is a cheap car.

Yeah. And, another one...

final one here,
really good.

Now, loads of people
run a second car.

They normally look
for something cheap to run,
a hatchback.

-Yeah.
-And there's loads of cars
out there.

You're gonna spend anything
from £9,000
to £15,000 on one.

Say, a Clio, a typical...?

Yeah, or a Fiesta
or a base Focus.

Something like that.
Cheap to run, easy to drive,
power steering, air conditioning

great. The only problem
is with any new car,
they're no exception,

it depreciates badly.
So in three years' time,

whatever you've bought
pretty much,

its lost about two-thirds
of its value.

Now here's an idea,
you can buy
a Ford Mondeo.

-Right.
-Which is a good car.

Yeah, a 99 LS,
something like that,
three years old,

35-40,000 miles,

you'd pick one of those
up for about £4,500.

So it's a much bigger car
and if it's only
a couple years old,

-it's still quite fresh.
-Absolutely. Absolutely.

Buy from a dealer,
get a warranty,

full service history,
you've got your air con,
power steering, air bags.

All the bits you want.

And the most
you can lose on that car

is going to be
a £1,000 a year
in depreciation.

Run it for four years,
throw it away.

That's even more money
saved, we can have
bigger cars for less money.

That's fantastic.

I mean, more real life advice
on how to save real money.

-You'll make us all millionaires
by the end of...
-Thanks very much.

Earlier on,
Richard argued that

the Citroen DS
is the best-looking car
in the world ever.

Well, this is
the Lamborghini Miura,

the world's first
mid-engine road car,
0-60 in 5.5 seconds.

In 1966.

Look at the slats there,
on the back window.

Look at the way it kicks up
slightly at the back.

I love those rear wheel arches,

the way they seem
to have pulled the metal
over the tyres to make it fit.

Some say this
is the best-looking car.

But it isn't.
Because this is.

CLARKSON: Aston Martin
launched the DB7.

Ooh.
That's a lovely noise.

But to be honest,
I could pull
this car apart.

The early models were
very badly made,

and it wasn't just
one thing, either.

Some of them caught fire,
some of them just stopped.

The one I had,
had been built
like Mr Potato Head.

It just sort of fell apart.

There's more too,
it's based
on the Jaguar XJS,

which means its underpinnings
are 25 years old now.

And in dog years,
that makes it 438.

Where's the climate control?

Where's the radar-guided
cruise control?

Where's the voice activation
for all the equipment
you do get?

Radio Two.
CD track three.

Nothing.

You get that sort of stuff
these days
on a Jag costing half the price.

But not in this.

See what I mean
about the noise?

But where's the
get-up-and-go?

Even with a six-litre V12,
it's no more powerful
than a parish council.

I might also ask,
where's the headroom?

The engine's computer
is underneath the driver's seat.

So it feels like
you're sitting on a highchair.

It's even worse
in the convertible.
'Cos the roof's about here.

I could go on all day,

listing things that are wrong
with this car.

But think about it,

if you had one,
and you were going out
in the evening,

you could say,
"Shall we take the Aston?"

And that sounds pretty good,
doesn't it?

Pretty good.

Shall we take the Aston?

Aston.

As you cruise round Mayfair,
past Purdy, and Tiffany
and Claridges,

you feel at home
in a car like this.

And it's not just the name

that sends a shiver
down the spine.

It's the looks.

And I don't think the DB7
is good-looking
for a car, either.

For me, the three
best-looking things
ever made by man are,

at number three,
the Humber Suspension Bridge,

at number two,
the SR71 spy plane,
and at number one, this,

the Aston Martin DB7.

When Michael Parkinson
has a cricketer
on his show,

and you get that...
My next guest
is a remarkable man,

the laws of physics
mean nothing to him,

and if I had ovaries,
I'd bear his children.

Well, that's how
I feel right now. Because

I'm joined by the man
who designed the DB7,
Ian Callum.

Now, Ian.
You know Ivan the Terrible?

You don't know him.
But Ivan the Terrible...

When his people had built
the Basilica in St Petersburg,

he had their eyes gouged out

-so that they'd never do
anything better.
-Mm-hm.

Did anyone at Aston Martin say,
"Ian, we've got
to have your eyes, mate?

"'Cos you'll never top this."

Certainly not if you go
to work for someone else.
Where are you now?

-I am at Jaguar.
-Yeah.

They wanted the Vanquish first.
So they looked after me
for a little while.

-That's another beauty.
That's an absolute beauty.
-It's not bad.

And do you know
the really scary thing,
everybody?

I've heard we'll never see
the like of this ever again,

because of legislation.

-Legislation.
-From Brussels?

Not necessarily.
It's also from the car industry
itself. It's self-policing.

-Is it?
-It's pedestrian legislation.

What kind of things
wouldn't be allowed if you did
the DB7 in a few years' time?

What is it that's going
to change?

Pedestrian legislation
dictates

you have to have a lot of air
between the bonnet
and the engine.

-So if you run someone over,
their head hits the bonnet...
-Can deform into the bonnet.

-How much air?
-About three inches.

-So you're gonna need
to get that bonnet...
-Absolutely.

-You can't smooth it over.
-We've got to lift it
above the engine.

However, technology
might help us there.

We may be able to deploy
the bonnet. That's a very
difficult thing...

-Deploy it?
-Actually deploy the bonnet.
Yes.

-What do you mean, deploy it?
-It actually lifts up.

-When you hit someone?
-Yes.

-Fantastic!
-It's very difficult.

I'm gonna run that person over.
Look at my bonnet!

You think,
that might be possible?

That may be possible,
but it's not
the immediate answer.

There's also
other legislation coming in,

mainly from the US,
for looking after
unbelted occupants.

That's people who drive a car
who do not wear seatbelts.
We must look after them.

According to the law.

-American law?
-Absolutely.

-If they don't...
-Many Americans...

-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:
I'm too fat.
-..don't wear seatbelts.

-Really?
-Really. Absolutely.

-And you have to protect them?
-And we have to protect them.

-So that they don't
hurt themselves.
-Absolutely.

How will this change the shape
of the front?

Well, what happens is
we calculate
the trajectory of the head,

and that sets up a package
which comes in through
the front of the car here.

This point here has to go up
and possibly forwards,

which means
the screen probably gets deeper.

-Because...
-You can't presume...

-You'll have to move that out.
-Yes.

So, that will come out.
That's Postman Pat's van!

If you've got it to here
and straight along...

That's probably exaggerating
but we do call it
the ice cream van, at work.

-I'll tell you
what I'd like to do now, OK?
-Yes.

Is... I love it

when I see these car designers,

they can draw cars beautifully
when you just give them
a pen and paper.

-Some of them can.
-Don't!

If you did the Escort Cosworth
and that, you can draw.

Let's get Peter in as well.
This is your easel here.

Ian, that's your easel
there.

We want to think of something
we want them to draw.
Any suggestions?

-MAN: Impreza.
-Something we want to see
in the future.

-MAN 2: E-Type.
-E-Type.

How about a modern day
E-Type?

Since you're at Jaguar,
this shouldn't be too difficult.

You're at Jaguar as well,
but higher up.

You can both get cracking, now.

I tell you what.

Another easel here.
I'll have a go as well.

How hard can it be
to be a car designer?

Peter, is this OK for you,
because having worked at Volvo,

they had Etch-A-Sketches.

That's true.
We don't use computers.

I'm gonna start with the wheels.
Anyone got a coin
I can draw around?

Are you gonna be doing it
with current
legislation in mind,

or are you going to be
doing what you'd like to do
without the Americans

being involved?

-IAN: What we'd like to do.
-Good idea.

How big should it be with wheels
that big?

Why are you laughing?

-It's not a Hummer!
It's an E-Type.

I've finished. Fantastic.
Let's have a look at yours.

-Where's the engine?
-In the front.

-It's a front engine?
-Yes.

-Ah, that's fantastic.
-It could be rear.

You've got no overhang at all.
DB7's got
quite a big one.

-None at all.
-That's very beautiful.

Let's have a look what
the former Volvo man's done.

-Early days, but...
-It's exactly the same!

-How did you do that?

That's exactly the same!
Look at that!

That's exactly the same.

Can we get the two
of them brought together?

I'd definitely put your name
on it.
He's nicked it.

-Look at that.
-OK.

They're exactly the same!

PETER: Well, that's why
we're both designing Jaguars.

Do you know what I think
looking at this?

I suspect, boys,
that there is
an E-Type Jag coming,

and that you both know
exactly what it looks like.

If you want to vote for what
you think is the best-looking
car ever,

you can do so
by going near an
internet,

or sending us a letter
in a post-box,

or you can telephone
using a cellular telephone.

Anyway. Thank you very much.
Ian Callum
and Peter Horbury.

Lovely to have you along.

Thank you.

Well,

-the tape has been edited.

Oh, put me out of my misery,
please.

-Shall we see the lap?
-Oh, go on, please.

Play the lap.

Oh! That's good.

I'm doing this
in the pouring rain.

-That was rubbish.

Floor, floor, floor,
floor, floor. Second.

Ooh! Rosco!

That was too steep.
It looks slower on television!

Second.
You broke too soon...

And you're in it, taps it.

Full power, full power.

Brake. Oh, you're too early!

Bring it in.
You've got to put
some power on.

You lost all your power, son.

Messed up the last bend.

-You messed up the last bend.
-There you go.

Now, the thing is,
as you pointed out at the start,
it was raining, OK.

-It was.
-Rain slows you down.

What we thought we'd do...
After you did that,

we sent the Stig,
the racing driver out.

Now he went round.
On a dry track, 1.46.

We sent him out in the wet
and he did a 1.50.

So in other words,
he was four seconds slower
because of the rain.

Would you like to know what
your wet time was?

Camera in nice and tight,
on Ross.

-We tell you...
-I...

-Why did I do this?
-Do you think it's slower than
Harry Enfield?

I hate you!
I hate you so much.

Clarkson, I am gonna get you
back at some point.

Remember,
we take four seconds off
for a dry time.

-Your time...Ross Kemp.
-This is the wet time.

Your wet time
Star-In-A-Reasonably-Priced-Car

was one minute,
54 seconds.

I think a round of applause
for that.

-Well, I'm surprised.
-Because actually...

I'll put you there.
I've got a "W" on it
for wet, OK?

-Actually, you and I,
we are the same.
-We like that.

-I like that.
-Well done. Ladies and
gentlemen, Ross Kemp.

Thanks, mate.

Right. Grannies going doughnuts.
It is time.

They've seen what
they've got to do.

All they've got to do now
is have a go.

And we get to see
what happens, so
they're all gonna have a go.

First up, Joy had a bash.

Joy is 73.
You don't mind me saying that.

From London. And is proud to say
she once won
an essay-writing competition.

So, congratulations to you
but this was
a bit more exciting.

Here's what happened.

-I can't reach the pedals.
-I'll put you forward.

Try the clutch.
Can you get full travel?

I never take my clutch off
like that ever.

-I'm always very careful
with my clutch.

-Good luck to Joy.
-She's quite nervous.

Yes!

-WOMAN: Get it going.

Dip the clutch now.
Build the revs.

Build the revs up.
Let the clutch out now.

That's it.
Keep it there.
Don't do anything.

Just keep...

Keep going! Keep going!
Good girl.

Keep going.

Go, go! Less throttle.
Not quite so much throttle.
That's it!

Well done.

Ah! We...
We didn't know what to say.

Joy, that was...
What a star!
That was fantastic!

That's not all, OK?
Now the next three have a go.

HAMMOND: OK. This is Gwyneth.

Take the clutch.
Build the revs up. Clutch out.

Power! More power.
That's good.
Keep it going.

Keep it going.
Keep going.

WOMEN: Yeeay!

-Whoa! In the rough!

HAMMOND: And now it's Beryl.

That's better.

Build the revs up!

Keep your foot on
the floor, that's good,
keep it going!

Keep going on the throttle!
That's good. Keep going.

Harder on the throttle!
Harder, that's good!
Keep it there!

Keep it there!
Hard on the throttle!

HAMMOND:
And back now to Gwyneth.

Keep going,
keep going, keep going,
keep going!

-That's good.
Let it out now, hard!
-HAMMOND: And finally, Ann.

Keep it going, just the same.

Keep it going, keep it going!

-You're going round and round!
Well done.

Can you hear the applause?
Keep going.

Don't stop,
you're doing the best one!

Don't stop.
Keep it going.

That's good. Keep going.

OK, stop now. Go straight ahead.

Oh, fantastic!

-How was that?
-Brilliant!

ANN: Thank you.

I can't tell you how exciting
that was to be there,
you were all stars.

But we've proven then that,
you know,

older people can drive properly.

But we want to know
how far can you
go with this,

I mean, you know, seventies.

-This is Sadie. Hello.
-Hello.

-How old are you, Sadie?
-I'm not telling you.

-She's 80.
-No! Richard!

She is 80. Watch this.

Imagine doing that
round Piccadilly Circus!

-Ooh, my word!

-Ooh, hello!

Hang on in there, Sadie!

Power, hard power,

go on, power it!
Harder!

More power, more power!

Keep it going!

Keep it going!
Go, go, go, go, go!

Good girl! Brilliant!
Absolutely brilliant, fantastic!

Keep it going!

Back off a bit on the throttle!

Keep it going, keep it going!

-What a star!
-Wha-wha-wha!

What got me is once
she'd started, she wouldn't stop
until her tyres were gone!

Yours was better than Russ,
the instructor!

-She did the best.
-Without Russ,
what would we have done?

-They liked Russ.
-Oh, yes!

I've got to say to all of you,
you are all
as we've established, stars,

old people can drive,
grannies can drive, fantastic!

I've never seen
anything like that!

It's amongst the most inspiring
sights I've ever seen.

When Sadie's little white head
disappears in smoke!

Another challenge,
we've have
the old ladies in,

if you're a man of the cloth,
we're not being...

-we can be multi-denominational
about this, if you'd like.
-Yeah.

Any religious denomination,
we can have mullahs,

-or rabbis...or priests...
-Yeah.

-I'm struggling to remember..!
-I don't know any more...

If you're one of
those type of people,

who goes to work

collar on back to front,
dress, whatever,

you think you can drive,
you think you can get around
our test track quickly

than someone
from another religion,
get in touch.

-No, that's a good idea.

I'd quite like to see,
Hector the rector
up against a mullah.

"He's been mullah-ed."

I want to say that.

So write to us at, er...

What address shall we have
this week?

"I am a man of God
and I want to drive fast,

Top Gear,
BBC Television,

Wood Lane, London.
I never know this properly.

London W12 7TS or F

Put both.

Or you can use
your ecclesiastical internet

or you can use
a quill and a carrier pigeon.

In the first programme
of the series,

we saw the magnificent Zonda
go round our test track
in the capable hands of Stig,

in an amazing 1:23.

We all thought we'd never
see anything
go quicker than that.

But we threw it out to the world
and said,

"If you've got a car that can
beat that, get in touch."

We had thousands of responses,
most of which frankly
we threw away.

But we heard from one, that,

listen, it caught my eye...

-CLARKSON: It caught my eye.
-..a small company called
Westfield.

This is their car,
it is the Westfield XTR.

This programme is about style -
I'm in my special trousers,
you've turned up with this.

It's form following function,
it looks good.

And another thing...
We said you can only take a car
on the track if it's road-legal.

Yes, and you can. Look.

HAMMOND:
So, that'll be it on the road,
then.

So you can take it on the road,
but it won't beat the Zonda
on the track.

-The Zonda has a 7.3-litre
engine and this has a...
-1.3-litre engine.

-1.3?
-But it's very light.

-Listen.
Have you driven one?
-Look, it's...

I'm 42 years old,
you don't get in orange
cars when you're 42!

Probably a good point.
Well, I have driven it.

Look.

The Westfield XTR.

It only has a 1300CC engine.
it doesn't have a leather,
chrome,

aluminium and carbon fibre
interior. It doesn't really
have an interior.

You don't get a pair
of the Pope's shoes with it
like you do with the Zonda.

You don't actually
get a windscreen,
in fact.

And you can build one yourself
in your garage
for under £20,000.

But this only weighs 410kg.

Now, a Mini
weighs almost three times
that much.

So just maybe we could have
a proper David and Goliath
thing going on here.

Now that engine,
yeah, it's only a 1300,
but it's a bike engine.

A Suzuki Hayabusa to be precise,
which means
it develops 170bhp.

And in a car this light,

that equates to a power
to weight ratio
of 460bhp per ton.

It's a lot.
It's a heck of a lot!

The mighty Zonda
only manages 440bhp per ton.

So, maybe a budget DIY job
could embarrass
a mega-money supercar.

The best thing about
having a bike engine
is it means revs and more revs!

And then more revs!
It's incredible!

Every control is absolutely
rigid!

The steering is like
reaching down and turning
the wheels with my hand!

Because it's a bike engine,
we also get a bike clutch,

designed to be used
with your fingers,
not your foot.

It means you've got to be
very, very precise
and careful with it.

Once again, that grip just...

Rrrr! This car is so much better
than I am! It's laughing at me.

Do you know,
I've just sorted
my Christmas present list.

"Dear Father Christmas,

"Don't come down the chimney.
I'll leave the garage door open.

"Drop it off."

See. What a machine!
It's a proper little
Jack Russell.

So, will it go round
our test track
faster than the mighty Zonda?

No.

Thanks for your faith.
Right, we'll see.

CLARKSON: That's the Stig,
there's the telemetry, look.

HAMMOND:
That is not a slow car, is it?

CLARKSON: Well, it's not as fast
as the Zonda.
I'll tell you, there's no way

a 1.3-litre car could
get down to the first corner
as fast as the Zonda.

No way.

Look how he goes through
that first corner,
that's an interesting line.

HAMMOND: Power to weight,
you see, guys.
Power to weight.

CLARKSON: Now, as you know,
you can see the 'G'

on the little graph
as he comes up
to the steady state corner,

Chicago Corner, we call this.

There's the map -
the little red dot
progressing around here.

HAMMOND:
Look at those numbers!

CLARKSON: The Zonda
was doing 184,000 at this stage.

-But look at this thing corner.
-This is the Hammerhead,

the most feared
corner on any track,
it'll unsettle nearly anything.

HAMMOND: But not that,
look, if you could...

-CLARKSON: Want to know
something terrifying?
-HAMMOND: Yes.

-That's two seconds faster
than the Zonda.
-Thank you!

If you could
see the Stig's face,

it'd be smiling, I reckon.
I mean, look at this!

-He's losing now.

CLARKSON: You're talking
rubbish, you're nowhere
tall enough to know.

I'll mention power to weight
again!

Here comes the time, 1.21, 1.22.

-1.22.
-CLARKSON: Shh...

Fantastic! How good was that?

A £20,000 car
you can build in your shed,

that's in your shed, guys!

Beat the Zonda.

So I'm going to put that
on here.

-XTR...
-What was it?

It was 1.22.6,
I'm going to round it up
to 1.23.

The Zonda did it in 1.23.
That goes on the top.

That is the quickest car,
the Westfield did it.

-On that bombshell, we...
-Ooh no!
Before you do that, Jeremy.

Important thing.
Remember with the designers,
Jeremy did his drawing for us?

Oh, I'd forgotten about it.

Bear in mind how many cars
this man's driven
over the centuries.

-Let's have a look at this.
-I am better at driving.

Let's have a look.
Show everyone... That...

I mean, it is good.
The only problem was
my wheels went wrong.

-HAMMOND: Pathetic.
-We'll send it to Hyundai.

-That's their next new model.
-They'd bite your arm off.

Um, there's no point
telling you what's in
next week's show

'cos we always change our mind
last minute,

but you can be assured,
there'll be some of this:

That's the Aston Martin Vanquish
versus the Ferrari 575

with the Fiorano handling pack
on it. Don't miss it.

Night!