Too Hot to Handle (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - C**kblocked by a Cone - full transcript

If the last year of lockdown
has taught us anything,

it's that deeper connections
are more important than ever, right?

Wrong.

It just means the world's players
and the play-ettes are hornier than ever.

I'm telling you, harder!

One, two. In, out.

I just wanna have sex.

That's why we've got ten new
super-hot super-spreaders,

who are putting casual hookups
before real relationships.

I love men. I just cannot resist.

And they have no idea
that a talking air freshener...



Hello. I'm Lana. Your virtual guide.

...is going to hit them
with a brutal sex ban.

No kissing.

Wait. Wait, what?

No heavy petting.

I can't believe
this is happening.

And no sex.

Sorry, what?

And when all rumpy pumpy
is ruled out,

the 100 grand prize fund's in big trouble.

How do you say "we're fucked" in French?

Let's go have sex.

This breach of the rules

has resulted in a deduction of $21,000.



- Oh my God!
- $3,000, $7,000, $12,000.

What? This is crazy.
We're gonna end up broke.

The question is,
will Lana's rules and lessons

lead to deeper,
more meaningful relationships?

If this is what love feels like,
I don't ever wanna lose it.

That really brought a lot of emotion
that I didn't even know I had.

I feel like I haven't felt that...

Oh my God!

Or will temptation be...

Wow.

...too...

Really bad penis.

- ...hot...
- Okay.

Get me in the bedroom, and not for sleep.

- ...to...
- Do you wanna shower with me?

I am so horny right now.

...handle?

Sorry, big guy. It's not my fault.

I didn't know
what we were getting into, did I?

Okay, so we've got a new season
and a new super glam retreat

in Turks and Caicos.

But I know what you're thinking.

How'd we manage to convince ten newbies
to lock up their genitals

and give Lana the key?

Well, the producers ain't dumb.

Our guests think they're here to run wild
on a totally made-up show

called Parties in Paradise.

We even got a hunky, fake host. Jeff.

For 12 hours, our hyped-up horndogs
will have no idea that Lana's hidden away,

waiting to set them
on a path to self-enlightenment.

Correct.

I will secretly gather data
on their behavior

before I reveal myself
and initiate the sex ban.

Okay, well, if we're only hours
from impact, let's not waste our time.

Get those hotties in here stat.

♪ Kiss me like summer ♪

And since it's Season 2,
why not double down on that hotness?

Damn, girls!

♪ Never be another like you ♪

♪ Yeah, 'cause you kiss me like summer
And I'm falling for you ♪

♪ Summer afternoon ♪

Oh my God!

I think they like it.

- Oh my Lord.
- Oh my God!

Oh my God! Can you believe this?

Oh my God!

We're in paradise!

♪ This is undone ♪

No one owns me. I own me.
'Cause I'm a firecracker.

My name is Melinda. I'm from Brooklyn,
New York, and I'm a model.

My forehead is shiny.

I need a guy to adore me.
I need compliments.

I need a guy to tell me how pretty I look.
Was that too shallow? I hope not.

I do have limits in the bedroom.

Do not pull my hair.
Don't touch my wigs.

But I love a good ass smack. Oh! Smack it!

Whoo!

I always got options. Always.

I'm the predator. I am on the hunt.

- You have your nipple pierced. I do too.
- Yes!

- My tongue too.
- Let me see.

- I see. That's dope.
- And all my ears. I did them.

- You did that? Yourself?
- Yeah.

Okay, you're risky.

I love that.

I hate rules, and I do not follow them.

♪ Set me free
Be my little rock and roll girlfriend ♪

I'm a little bit of a maneater.

Just a little, little bit.

♪ Whoa-ho, set me free ♪

Usually what I look for in a guy
is just like a one-night hangout.

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

Commitment kind of scares me.
I've committed probably twice.

I was with my ex-boyfriend at a bar,
and I left him

and was with a guy in front of him

that I used to see before him,
in front of his face.

I'm crazy. I'm here to have fun.

I'm not here to be in a relationship or to
find someone to fall in love with.

Hundred percent.

What kind of guys
are you expecting to walk in?

- Hmm. I hope tall.
- Ooh!

I could go for chocolate,
vanilla, caramel.

Same. Same. Oh!

I'm like, "I want this.
Ooh, I wanna taste that. I wanna..."

Ooh, yeah. I'm already getting excited
just thinking about it.

I also like bald guys.
Is that weird?

You lost me right there, girl.
You lost me.

Sorry, girl,
we are fresh out of baldies.

But here's one scoop of vanilla
coming right up.

Ooh-whee!

I got a feeling this hunk
is no stranger to being covered in cream.

♪ I'm a, I'm a bad man ♪

- Oh my gosh, hello.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- Yes, welcome. Hi.

- Do you mind if I sandwich in between you?
- Yeah, come.

- Nathan.
- Melinda.

- Melinda.
- Carly.

- Carly. Guess where I'm from.
- Ireland?

- England. Like from where?
- Yes, but I live in Texas.

My ex is from England.

- He is? So you're into English guys, huh?
- Yeah.

- Sometimes.
- Let me just scoot a little closer.

- What do you do?
- Have you ever seen Magic Mike?

- Yeah.
- That's what I do.

- You're a stripper?
- Yes.

- I think that's fucking hot.
- That's hot.

- I'm drooling.
- Can you do a striptease now?

- I'll sit for you.
- Oh God, yes.

I can't give out all my moves
in the first five minutes.

I don't think I'll be needing this.

There's two fantasies
that girls have in America.

It's an English guy and a cowboy,
so I thought, "Let's combine the two."

I did have my heart broken,
so I feel like I deserve casual sex

wherever I want, whenever I want.

Being a British guy living in America,
you don't really need to have any game.

All you need to say is, "Good morning,"
or, "Harry Potter." It's done.

♪ I'm your cowboy
Take me to your rodeo ♪

Being a stripper,
you're just a very sexual person.

Women just expect me
to know exactly what I'm doing.

I leave them very satisfied.

Am I undeniably sexy?

Uh...

Yes.

You both have me beat on the ass front.

Let's do it. Come on.

- Let's bring it in. Come on.
- Wow. Bring it in.

It looks like Magic Mike
has found his two glamorous ass-istants.

- Dear God.
- You gotta cup that.

- I'm getting it.
- Get that muscle.

Get that muscle.

Something's moving in his pants.

You can see it already?

Cheers to a fantastic night
between the three of us tonight.

- Cheers.
- I'm touching. I'm touching.

Whoa! Hold your horses, cowboy,

'cause here comes another butt
for you to inspect,

along with its smoking hot owner.

♪ Hey! Let's party like it's Friday ♪

♪ 'Cause everyday's a weekend
Let's light it up like Broadway ♪

- Welcome.
- Damn!

Hi.

- Hi.
- How are you?

- They really thought this through.
- Emily. Lovely to meet you.

Yeah, seriously, producers,
what is the opposite of a sausage party?

Jesus. How nice is this?

- It's gorgeous!
- Honestly.

- Are you into girls or guys?
- I'm into everything.

- Everything. I lucked out here.
- I'm hot already.

Yeah, like why the hell not?
I'm greedy. What can I say?

God, it's so hot. Am I sweating?

Thank you. I'll just suck it out.
I'm pretty good at that.

♪ Call me love ♪

My name's Emily,
and my passion in life is boys.

My friends would describe me
as mysterious, quiet, laid-back.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm like a set of open legs.
What you see is what you get.

♪ Call me love ♪

I don't go out ever looking for guys.

It's like God just drops them.

I'd love to tell you that I'm ready
for commitment, I want to settle down,

but I'd be lying.

Honestly, I should come
with a warning sign.

Fan me, baby.

- So what do you do for work?
- I'm a model.

Yeah.

Same!

- I mean, of course you are.
- Nice eyes.

You have a fantastic...

- Ass.
- Mm-mm. Not gonna say it.

Ooh! Carly's onto you, cowboy.

But if Nathan does wanna tap that ass,
he'd better hurry.

Because there's 11 hours and counting
till Lana hits them with a total sex ban,

and they have no idea.

I'm loving this. This is fantastic.

Uh, sorry, cowboy.

♪ Suck me now ♪

'Cause here come
a couple of sexy stallions

to level the playing field.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Suck me ♪

♪ Suck me now ♪

Yes, yes.

Oh my God.

Look at this view, bro. This is crazy.

Pink shorts is looking good!

Look at all these beautiful people.

Oh my God.

Hi!

Close your mouth, Melinda,
before you drool again.

- How you doing, bro?
- Nathan.

- I'll bring some over to you.
- Yeah.

Way to play it cool, Emily.

- What do you do?
- I'm a professional football player.

Bring on the questions.

♪ The way I feel about you
Can't get enough ♪

My sex drive is 100% through the roof.
100 out of 10.

I am the alpha male. If you think
you're better than me, come compete.

I'm tall, dark, handsome, muscular, smart.

Plus, you know, being a professional
football player does help.

I'm gonna bring all the energy.
I'm bringing all the noise.

If you're not entertained by my presence,
I'm letting you down as a person.

♪ You turn me up ♪

You know, let the games begin.

- Where are you from?
- Seattle, Washington.

- I play football in Canada.
- I don't talk to football players.

Uh...

Hold on, listen.

Football players, athletes,
are the most faithful dudes.

- You know what I'm saying? Honest...
- They're not! Oh my God!

- You speaking from experience or what?
- Experience. Are you kidding me?

Looks like you got some work to do
before you reach her end zone, big guy.

- How tall are you?
- Six foot. 6'1" if we're like...

- Are you?
- If we're at a push.

- I was gonna say like 5'11".
- I mean, no, it's not... it's not 5'11".

- We don't have to say 5'11".
- No.

People look at my face, look at my body

and they think I am a player,
but I'm a nerd.

A sexy nerd. Not many people know it.

So I'd prefer
if you just didn't tell anyone.

I can't wait
to get out to Parties in Paradise

with all the sexy girls.

Doing a Gollum impression in the bedroom,
I dunno if that would go down well.

I've had a little role play before.
A girl was quite into Lord of the Rings.

She put an elf costume on.
It was nice having sex with an elf.

I haven't got a thing for elves.

They just happen
to all be very sexy.

I wasn't confident. I had a glow up.

So I just started dressing differently,

training a lot more,
my hair became a lot better.

I'm a high-end product right now.
This.

- How old are you?
- I'm 24.

- How old are you?
- I'm 26.

- Twenty-six? You look younger.
- Mmm.

Cam, are you picturing her
in an elf costume right now?

I seem to go for younger guys.

- Do you? What a coincidence.
- I'm a cougar.

A cougar, are you?

Have we got an extra?

Oh my...

- Holy shit!
- Whoo!

Wow, she is stunning.
Welcome to the party!

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Kiss with all the attitude ♪

Hi!

Whoo!

Hey, beautiful.

You look fantastic.

You're fucking hot.
What do you do for work?

- Um, I'm a lawyer. Yeah.
- Oh!

A lawyer looking that good
should definitely be illegal.

- I'm sure you're a model as well.
- Oh, no.

- You're not?
- No, I like burgers too much to model.

Burgers, eh?
Well, Nathan likes buns.

I feel like I should be really, like, wise
and say that my best asset is my brain,

but it's definitely my tits.

They get me free drinks. My brain
doesn't get me free drinks, so...

♪ I don't care ♪

♪ I don't care what the haters say ♪

After finishing law school,
I bought myself some new boobs.

I'm the real life Legally Blonde,
but I'm also legally horny.

Sex is really important to me.
I can't have that quiet, awkward sex.

I have one time,

but I literally was like,
"Pass me my eyelashes, I'm out of here,"

and just left, like, midway through.

People say that I'm like Tinkerbell,

and that I need a lot of attention
or I'll die.

Tits look good.

I'm terrible.

Like, I expect a guy
to be obsessed with me,

but I'm allowed
to do what I want.

We were just talking
about each other's types.

- What's your type?
- What's your type?

I call it the three Bs.

So I like a brunette. Sorry, babes.

Um, banter and then balls.
You gotta have good dick game.

- Just putting that out here.
- I like that!

If I'm not in the sun, I'm not as blond.

- Okay.
- So if we sit inside for, you know...

So I can keep you locked in the bedroom
and you might go brunette?

- Absolutely.
- I'm sure there's handcuffs somewhere.

Whoa! Kinky law school Barbie
is in the dreamhouse.

Let's hope the next hunk's called Ken.

♪ Oh ♪

You let me down, producers.

♪ Got me like a heart attack ♪

- Ooh! Hi!
- What's going on?

You look just like me. Holy shit.

"You look just like me?" Wow.

- Nice to meet you.
- You too, bro.

- Where you from?
- Staten Island, New York.

I'm a personal trainer, I'm an influencer
on TikTok, and that's basically my life.

- Yeah.
- Love it!

- Yeah.
- Yes.

- What do you do on TikTok?
- Thirst trap, dance.

Show us some then.

Let's go. Let's go.

Come on.

- Am I laying down?
- Yeah, lay down.

- Okay.
- Let's see it.

- Awesome!
- Whoo!

That's what I call
a very hungry caterpillar.

That's PornHub. Not TikTok.

Being confident helps draw the girls in.

They wonder, "Why is he so confident?
He must have something great."

♪ Comin' up for the crowd
I'm comin' for the crowd ♪

I post a lot of different kinds of videos
on TikTok.

I think people just love seeing a dude
with abs hop on a pole and spin, I guess.

Once you get the following that I've got,
100, 200 girls DMing you a day,

it's like, "There's so many."
You don't know what to do.

If I happen to make a connection
with one girl here and another girl there,

I feel too bad to cut them both off.

Ma, look at me.
I'm doing my first interview.

How should I treat these women?

You are so amazing
with treating women.

- Just be you. Love you. Have fun.
- Love you. Bye-bye.

I promise you, it's coming.

There you go.

- There you go.
- Ah!

Did that get in the eyes? Oh no.

- Oh no!
- I'll save him. I'll save you.

Come get me, baby.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah.

You watching this, Pete's mom?
You got competition.

Now, now, boys,
no falling out over the pretty ladies.

There's enough to go around.

- That booty, yeah.
- Ooh, we got a sexy mamacita coming up.

♪ Ooh, ah-ah ♪

♪ Ooh, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Oh, oh, ah-ah ♪

♪ Ooh, ah-ah-ah... ♪

Hello.

Hola!

Welcome to the party.

- Hi, I'm Kayla.
- What do you do?

Um, I'm a part-time model.
I bartend too.

- My girl, a bartend.
- What's your type?

Yeah, what's your type?

I'm not too picky.
They just have to have an edge.

As long as they're breathing, it's fine.

I feel like everyone has
like a little bit of a bad side to them.

If you say that you don't,
you're lying.

I grew up in a really, really strict,
Filipino, religious household.

My mom was a total cockblock. Sorry, Mom.

When I moved out,
I kind of went a little bit boy crazy.

♪ Tonight we're gonna make you jump ♪

I think about sex
all day, every day.

It's definitely hard to go without it.
That's for sure. Yeah.

I do get hit on quite a lot
when I'm working.

They're tipping me good.
That's all that matters.

It's all part of the game.

The more guys who are chasing me,
the more interesting it gets, for sure.

At some point, there'll be a strip-off
between me and you.

- You'd better bring it.
- Yeah!

I'm ready for that.

It's time to add
to our naughty nine.

Get ready for a perfect ten.

Damn.

He's got a body slo-mo was invented for.

Sorry, guys.

I'm gonna need to see that again.

Well, get an Eiffel of that.

- We got one extra.
- Oh.

It's kind of... Whoa!

Hi, everybody.

Hi!

- Yo!
- Hello.

- Nice to meet you. I'm Emily.
- Marvin.

- Your babies.
- What's your name?

- Marvin.
- Marvin.

- Yeah.
- Where are you from?

Paris, France.

I'm gonna prove to you
that everything sounds sexy in French.

I have to clean my pants
before going to paradise.

Girls cannot resist,
like, the tall man, handsome,

and I have a French accent,
so girls like it.

I cannot go to a club
and come home by myself.

It's not possible, no.

I'm a dancer. I can do a lot of dance.

You know,
a little bit of dougie and stuff.

If you dance like this, they like you.

It's gonna be a a sexy summer, man.

Who do you fancy here?

- I mean, they all look good.
- Yeah. All of them.

Honestly.

Yo, I feel like a kid in a candy shop
right now.

I got all these delicious flavors
around me. Man, I'm ready to dive in.

- You know how hard this is?
- What's hard?

Just looking elsewhere.
You're the only one I've had my eyes on.

- You just go in to kiss me? Already?
- No! Oh my God.

Nathan was pretty, like...

He was jumping on it right away,
which I do like.

He's hot.
I came here to party, so I'm ready.

Hopefully, it's just one big gang bang.
That'd be quite nice.

Whoa.
I can definitely see why these horndogs

wouldn't have willingly signed up
for a sex-free summer.

Instead, they applied
to be on a no-holds-barred dating show

called Parties in Paradise.

Speaking of which,
can we get our fake host Jeff in here

to really sell this thing?

Hello, party people!

Welcome to Parties in Paradise.
You guys excited?

Yes, sir!

You've been brought here
because you're sexy,

you're single,
and you know how to have a good time.

Yeah.

So you guys are gonna get to go wild
at tonight's party.

I'll see you soon.

What's the point of all this?
Well, Lana's victims, I mean guests,

have no clue that, for the next
nine hours, she's hidden away,

gathering data
to see how badly behaved they really are.

In fact, let's check in
with Too Hot's top dog.

Initial data suggests

the Parties in Paradise ruse
has been a success.

I'll continue to observe
and analyze my guests' behavior.

Tonight, I will introduce myself

and the rules that they must adhere to
throughout their stay here.

You got just under nine hours
until this party in paradise goes south,

and not in a good way.

Thankfully for them,
they're not wasting any time,

as they're diving straight into the
obligatory "who wants to bang who" chat.

Who's your number one? You first.

- Carly. Absolutely Carly.
- Emily.

I don't want to put all my eggs
in one basket, but number one...

- Emily, Emily.
- Emily, Emily.

- He's very, like...
- Emily.

Number one, yeah, Emily.

She's very cute.

- I would, yeah.
- Who's your queen?

Uh, Melinda.

Uh, Emily is cool also.

Emily in Paris
does have a nice ring to it.

He's gonna kick me!

He's telling you right now
he's coming for you.

I've backed this situation.
I've got it, 100%.

So if you hyenas want to come eat
a bit of the lion's meat, have it.

At the moment, I've been getting
a lot of glances from Emily,

and she's been receiving them from me.

She is 100% the most attractive girl
in here,

but if things don't work, then I'll just
go for the second best-looking in here.

Second best-looking girl, whoever
you are, this might be your lucky day.

I want a British boy.

You can have Cam. He's British.

I'm not very used to competition,

but Cam is just this little bundle
of cuteness and sexiness put into one.

Marvin's a little chocolate drop.
He's a... He's a hottie.

- Like, he's got the height, the teeth.
- I was too busy looking at his...

- Dick?
- Body.

- You're like... I was like, "What?"
- Oh, Marvin.

Oh my gosh. I feel like
he's a fan favorite for all of the girls.

His French accent is, like, to die for.

I'm with you, girls.

I've already been brushing up
on my high school French.

Cue the music.

Hello, Marvin.

Did you wash your pants?

What do you guys think of Carly?

Carly's... She's cute.

I like Carly.

Oh, so it's gonna be a competition
between both.

- We're complete opposites, so...
- I know!

Who's gonna get it?

Are you two comfortable
stepping on each other's toes?

- Have you seen the size of his feet?
- Size 15 feet.

Look, have you seen
the size of my hands and feet?

Holy Bozo the Clown.

They're big.

The Carly situation is gonna come down
to whoever addresses it first.

I think, at this point,
Chase is my biggest threat to Carly.

I can be the nice guy and concede to Chase

and say, "You know what?
You do your thing,"

but that's not the kind of guy I am.

- Chase is like the bomb.
- Yeah.

Chase is very nice.

- Have you seen his feet, though?
- Those feet don't lie, baby.

Like, do you even make shoes that big?
Yeah.

Psst. They're not really talking
about his shoes.

Chase has a personality
that I gravitate towards.

He would be a guy that I go for.
I was being sassy to him.

- A little bit, but...
- So you heard?

The guy
that caught my eye the most is Chase.

Like, his calves are the size
of my fricking thigh, which is sexy,

because he could just throw me around.

Can't promise that Chase
will be getting you airborne, Carly,

but, for now, why not bounce
on the retreat's comfy beds?

Race to the fricking bedroom!

And dibs.

- I'm getting this one!
- Dibs!

Ay!

Whoo!

I'm gonna have a lot of fun in this villa.
It's amazing.

I can't wait to party.
Like, basically, we have amazing girls.

I like it all, like...

...it's gonna be hot this summer.

Temperature-wise, yes.
Sex-wise, nuh-uh.

That's a nice bed.

- I like this bed.
- Do you like this one?

It's a good bed, this one, isn't it?

- Happy with this bed.
- We're sharing a bed, then?

- We'll share a bed.
- Okay.

Emily's doing some bits.
Like, she's ticking some boxes.

We're all gonna
have to get very comfortable

with each other's bedroom activities,

because we are literally
bed, bed, bed, bed.

We are so close. If anything's going on,
we're gonna hear it.

We're gonna see it.
Probably gonna smell it as well.

So we're very close.

TMI, dude.

Do any girls wake up horny?

Morning dew.

- I hump in my sleep.
- You what?

- You hump in your sleep?
- Wanna share a bed with us?

No, I've done it a couple of times,
and I woke up like, "What the fuck?"

I have too!

- I wake up like, "Oh, shit, did I just..."
- Yeah!

Yo, I thought it was just me!

There's a lot of sexual tension
in the villa.

I feel like everyone just needs to, like,
have a little naked shower together

and just, like, scrub each others' backs.

Mm-hmm.

Getting clean
never sounded so dirty.

Hey, I didn't know
we had a seesaw this year!

Ah, no, they're pumping iron.

Oh, my shorts are stuck.
Hang on. I'm going short shorts. Whoo!

Me and Cam, we just get along so well.
I just want to rip his little shorts off.

Little shorts.
Hopefully they're not little for a reason.

All right, gents and ladies.

I'm gonna teach him
how to do a little stripper move.

Seems after all that heavy lifting,
our cowboy stripper's feeling frisky.

I knew there were gonna be
gorgeous women here,

but I did not expect to have
my ideal woman just stood right there,

so time to work my magic on Carly.

All right,
so her hands come onto your chest.

One sign of competition

and the stripper card gets played
straightaway.

Now roll your body.
All right, now bring her hands down.

So keep rolling.

Okay, so you're gonna
drop onto your hands. All right, and then...

- Oh!
- All right?

- I went too far forward.
- I mean, that is so good, right.

I don't have any dollars
or I'd throw them at you.

Oh, hell no.
He did not just do that.

Man, I gotta bring my A-game, B-game,
every game plan I got to this one.

Although there's no need
for your D-game, big boy.

Can you talk to me?

It's now or never, Chase. Let's go!

All right,
the best defense is a good offense

and your competition has hit the showers.

Let's go!

Nathan is, like, really flirty with me,
but I don't know.

Seen this firepit?

I like to flirt.
I'm just gonna flirt and have fun.

And, um, 1000%, my options are still open.

What am I thinking of right now?

- Apples?
- That's a pretty good guess.

- Damn, you are smart.
- What was it?

- It was definitely apples.
- No, it was tits.

Five seconds of small talk
and then straight into the sexy stuff.

♪ I want to know
What are the rules of the game ♪

It's going to be so weird
to bang in front of people.

Not saying we're going to.

I'm just saying.

Just because you get going
and you're like, you know, loud.

- Is that how you do it? Like a jackrabbit?
- Mm-hmm.

- Damn.
- I just want you to throw me around.

Reading between the lines, I think
she might want to get thrown around.

She's looking me dead in my eyes.
Let's seal the deal.

Let's see if I got, like,
a spark out of this.

- You have nice lips. They're big.
- You have nice lips too.

You can take 'em on a test drive.
You know what I'm saying.

I think we may be about to get
a lesson in seduction, guys.

♪ It's the game of love ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

Oh my God!

And that will be a fumble
to remember.

Let's see an action replay.

Ouch.

That really fucking hurt my head.

So I was just on the bed,
and then... I forget his name.

I hope that bump hasn't caused
some permanent damage.

What's his name? What's his name?

Um, medic?

Noah?

Noah? Who's Noah? He sounds hot.

Okay, come back.

Nah, you only get one shot.

But I'll give you two.

I'll give you two.

Touchdown!

And the crowd goes wild.

Carly is my number one. If I had
to put money on it, I'd bet on myself.

I think Carly 100%
is gonna be in my bed tonight.

Not to burst your bubble, but she
may be hung up on a dude called Noah.

- I'm liking Marvin a little bit more.
- Marvin's cute.

Like he needs to rub that sunscreen
into these cheeks.

Emily. I don't know if that's just
her vibe, 'cause I know girls like that,

where they're kind of flirty
with everybody.

- Yeah.
- But...

- Don't know. I might have to make Cam cry.
- Do it.

I'm not going all in on one girl
right now. You know, it's day one.

Emily's beautiful. So she might chat
with me and realize that she likes Pete,

so I might go for Emily.
We'll see what happens.

If it doesn't go as planned,
you can always call your mom again.

Get this all off.

I don't want to put all my eggs
in one basket,

but my thing is,
when I have attention on someone,

I don't really think about anyone else,
I just focus on that person.

It's mad there's no land over there.

- Yeah, it's pretty mad. Yeah.
- It's just sea, innit?

First time at the beach, Cam?

- What do you reckon's on the other side?
- I think it's, like, America.

- Are you good at geography?
- I'm not that academic.

- No.
- No. Are you?

- I got a degree.
- In what? Pulling birds?

Ha, funny. No. I have a degree
in criminology, thank you very much.

- Really?
- Yeah. 2:1.

Not just a pretty face.
Full of surprises, me.

Bet you didn't see that one coming,
did you?

Well, a minute ago,
you were confused about the horizon.

It looks like Melinda's
not wasting any time either

in making a little French connection.

Ooh, la, la.

I absolutely love this.

This is crazy. Look at the view, right?

This guy is hot. He's fit. He's tall.

Every girl knows
that Marvin is like the full package.

I'm like, "Yeah, this guy is gonna,
like, swoop me off my feet."

And if he doesn't,
those six-inch heels sure will.

- Ah!
- Whoa!

So how do you feel about the other girls
in the villa?

- Come on, spill the tea. Spill the tea!
- Ah!

Answer very carefully, Marvin.

I will tell you. There is you,
Emily, and Carly, your friend.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

You're the three nicest girls
I've seen so far.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

I felt, when you came in, I was like,
"I'm gonna click with this guy."

- The eye contact was like, "I see you."
- I saw you.

You are high in my ranking.

Are you serious?

- Maybe the number one. I don't know.
- Maybe?

Maybe.

That makes me very happy.

Really? It's hard to tell
through all those squeals of delight.

You have, like, the perfect smile.

- Perfect chocolate skin.
- I got to.

- I workout.
- You're the full package.

- So you gonna let loose tonight?
- Yes, of course.

I'm excited
to see the other side of you.

- Yeah. You will see.
- I'm really excited to see it.

Oh man, I think there's gonna be
something really fun here.

Something really fun, yeah.

I got Marvin all to myself right now,

and I need to make sure
I dig my claws into him

before any of these other girls think they
have a chance of taking him from me.

Mm-mm. Not on my watch.

Do you reckon you'll get a snog out of me?

- At some point?
- At some point, yeah.

- You reckon?
- Yeah.

You've backed yourself that much?

I back myself.
It depends if you're a good kisser.

- Do you think you're a good kisser?
- Only one way to find out.

♪ Hey, ah, ooh-whoa ♪

♪ Hey, it's irresistible ♪

I knew they were horny,
but, damn, do these guys move fast.

Look at these two.

♪ Every time you got me close
It's irresistible ♪

- Whoa!
- Give them a round of applause.

Good job, guys!

Good job, bro!

That's the one time when getting
a little clap is a good thing.

Yeah. You can have more kisses later
if you want.

- I'd like that.
- You can have them whenever.

Okay.

Yeah,
whenever you fancy losing a few grand.

♪ You take me higher ♪

Who knew that geography chat
and head injuries got people so horny?

Well, Lana's definitely gonna
dampen some sexy spirits

in less than two hours.

And to keep up
the Parties in Paradise ruse,

the producers are throwing these
randy creatures an animal-themed party

- to see how wild they really are.
- Let's do it!

And check out those outfits.

Well, I guess our costume budget
won't spend itself.

I love this!

Bunny! Oh my God. It's cute.

I think bunny suits my personality,
because I like to have sex a lot.

Some bunny action would be nice.
I wouldn't turn it down.

As long as you don't ask anybody
to hop on tonight.

I could dress as the lion
and you could be my lioness.

No!

Do I go with the rhino?

Bruv, that's sick.

It's official. I'm more horny
than any other guy here.

Whoa, watch where you're waving
that thing, buddy.

- Let's go!
- Yeah!

- How d'you guys think tonight's gonna go?
- It's gonna go wild, dog.

- Go wild?
- None of us looks bad. We all look sexy.

Says the dude
dressed like Aquaman's butler.

Hey, gents.

♪ Skin to skin ♪

Sheesh, this looks like
a Victoria's Secret show,

but where the secret is that nobody's
allowed to rub their junk together.

Wow, wow, wow.

Damn, there's some hot chicks in here!

Girls, they're hot, and the sexual tension
is, like, building up.

So, yeah, it's great. Having a good time.

♪ Let your wild side take control ♪

The girls look stunning.
The guys look sexy, hot, steamy, foxy.

Tonight, I'm gonna get my prey.

Marvin, you better look out,
'cause mama is on the hunt.

♪ 'Cause, baby, we're just animals ♪

What I wanna see everybody do is
give your best mating call,

and if another animal is attracted,

they're gonna come up
with bites, grabs, kisses.

- Whatever you wanna do.
- Biting and grabbing.

Sounds more fun than charades.

Let's go, dog! Let's go!

Hey, pucker up.

- Pucker up.
- Ooh.

Oh my God!

That was wild.

He's a swifty little one,
little Pete, isn't he?

I don't know.
At least he got a bit of action.

Hey.

Oh, here's my dolphin!

- Yeah! Yeah!
- Oh, shit!

Sorry, little fox.
Go back into your hole.

All I want to do
is rip that outfit off him.

- Here we go!
- Hoo! Hoo!

Marvin looks so hot.

And if I know one thing
that's gonna make a guy jealous,

that's kiss another man.

Melinda is kissing Peter. What the hell?

Oh!

Ooh, la, la. I like it.

You like it, huh?

Mmm, she's nice.

All right!

Nathan, on your marks...

You got this!

...get set...

Oh no!
I guess leopards are quicker than rhinos.

It's a tough viewing, and I would
absolutely like to be in his position,

but it's early doors, it's day one.

I'm sure I'll get my own opportunity.

Hon, you blew it.
You even had matching horns.

- I'm gonna go up there.
- The only one that matters.

Wow.

Wow, this bird knows
how to ruffle some feathers.

I'm just kissing everyone.
Having fun. Partying.

I'm coming straight in with the horn.

Oh, shit!

Wow, cowboy,
even your horn is into asses.

Come on, you sexy beast!

With this night on the brink
of becoming a niche erotic subculture,

let's bring in the guy
these guests still believe

is here to kick-start
their dream summer of sex.

It's our fake host, Jeff!

Too bad he's actually here
to drop a Lana-shaped bombshell.

I love the outfits.
You guys look wild. Very nice.

- You getting to know each other better?
- Yeah!

Well, before this night gets too wild,
there's one more surprise for you guys.

No!

The horniest people on Earth

are about to go from celebration
to celibacy in 69 seconds.

Hit it, Jeff.

Are you guys ready?

Go! Go!

We've got an internationally renowned
VIP guest with us tonight.

- What?
- Ooh! Who?

And this could change everything.

Oh my God.

- Let's go.
- Oh boy.

So please put your hands together

and prepare
that Parties in Paradise welcome in...

- Five!
- Who is she? She's gonna be a bad bitch.

- Four!
- Who's it gonna be? Beyoncé?

Three!

Yo, we got Drake on this show?

Two!

Ariana Grande? Harry Styles?

One!

No one's walking down the stairs.
What's going on here?

Here we go. Lana's big entrance.
Will she parachute in from a chopper?

What's going on?

Rock up in a speedboat?

Or seductively emerge from the sea
like James Bond?

I'm having heart palpitations.

She's inside that bar?

Producers, can you please stop boozing
during your brainstorms?

What?

- Yo, we're on Too Hot to Handle?
- What?

That's right, Chase.
And you're not meeting Drake either.

Shut up!

That bitch!

No!

Are you kidding me?

No, it's not Too Hot to Handle.
This can't be.

Yes, actually it can. And it is.

Hello.

- Yeah, hi.
- Hi.

I'm Lana, your personal digital assistant.

- Oh no!
- Welcome to the retreat.

I hate her already.

You may be in paradise,
but the party is over.

What the actual F?

The purpose of this retreat

is to help you gain deeper
and more emotional connections.

- That's not what we signed up for.
- I signed up for dick.

Call yourself a lawyer.
You should have looked at the fine print.

Just flop this one down
for a sec.

I mean, that's kind of where we're at
right now.

For the last 12 hours,

I have been watching you
and learning about your behavior.

You have been selected
as you are all having meaningless flings

over genuine relationships.

That's a... That's a lie.

I cannot believe what is happening.

As part of your social development,
I have allocated a prize of $100,000.

I'm gonna give you $100,000 to go away.

Good one, Chase.

- Not gonna get cockblocked by a cone.
- Right?

However,
I will deduct money from the prize fund

if there are breaches to the rules.

I'm worried about me.

It's gonna be the longest drought
that I've ever had in my adult life.

For those of you
who need reminding,

there is to be no kissing...

Fuck.

- ...no heavy petting...
- What?

No morning boners.

...no sex...

I can't believe this is happening.

...and no self-gratification.

- What?
- Oh my God!

Are you for real? Come on.

Imagine how sore it's gonna be
after three weeks.

- I've never gone that long.
- This is a joke.

The lava lamp's gonna watch us?

She has properly stitched me
to the zipper.

Welcome
to your long, hard, sexless summer.

I feel robbed.

No sex. No kiss. No nothing.

I had big plans and...

it's all fucked.

Yo, we're screwed. Screwed.

There needs to be some bed swaps.
I don't trust either of you.

- No!
- Nah, nah, nah.

- Nah, I ain't swapping beds.
- We want the money.

100K at stake, so I'm just
keeping my eyes on everyone.

Like who's gonna be the first one
to break the rules? It's so stressful.

- Let's see how we go for the first night.
- There's no way.

No way you animals
are escaping this sexless zoo.

Sorry, big guy. It's not my fault.

I didn't know what we were getting into,
did I?

See you on the other side, my chum.
My liege.

My precious.

♪ Whoo, turn it up! ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Turn it up! ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Whoo, turn it up! ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Turn it up! ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Don't, don't mess with me ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't mess with me
Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Don't, don't mess with me ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't mess with me
Oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Don't, don't mess with me ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't mess with me
Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Don't, don't mess with me ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't mess with me
Oh-oh, oh, oh ♪