To the Manor Born (1979–2007): Season 3, Episode 1 - The New Scout Hut - full transcript

...feceive awards today,
remember that as Girl Guides

you are united in comradeship
with other companies in this county,

and beyond those companies
with those of other counties,

and beyond those counties
with other countries

right through the empire.

And finally, girls, in all things,
remember, be prepared.

I'm sure we'd like to thank
our county commissioner

for those stirring words this morning,

and I'd like to ask her to present
the service and interest badges.

First, red eighi-point badge,
Wanda Griffiths.

(Applause)



No, Wanda. In the Guides
we do a lefi-hand shake.

And don't salute
with something in your hand.

No, Wanda. We do a right-hand salute.

Congratulations, Wanda.

(Badge clinks)

You can go back
to your place now, Wanda.

Only 32 more fo go.

Next, the blue eighi-point...

Where are we going for lunch?
We'll find somewhere.

Shouldn't you have booked?
We're having a picnic.

You can hardly book a field.
Oh.

I was hoping
we'd go to the Harbour Arms.

I can't afford the Harbour Arms.

Besides, we should set a good example.
Towhom?



To our fellow Girl Guides.

We're supposed to encourage
outdoor activities.

Come on, Marjory.

Whistle and smile at all times.
Thank you, Brabinger.

Have you ever tried doing that?
What?

Whistling and smiling at the same time.

MARJORY:
Who else is coming on this picnic?

AUDREY: Nobody. Why?

MARJORY: I thought
you might have asked Richard DeVere.

AUDREY: Can you see DeVere
lunching al fresco?

MARJORY: I don't see why not.
AUDREY: He's a townie.

AUDREY: He still doesn't know
the difference between a cow and a bull.

You know how important
that is on a picnic.

(Both laugh)

It just isn't good enough, Spalding.
You haven't given me a cost analysis.

There are development projections
and no market research figures.

But you know all about the bacon market,
Mr DeVere.

As a grocer, yes, but not as a farmer.

When I say I want to know all about
pig breeding, I want the full facts.

All you've told me here is that pigs are
dirty little pink things which go oink.

That's not all they are.
Ever been to a pig farm?

No, and judging by this report, you
haven't spent much time in one either.

Do it again.
If you say so, Mr DeVere.

I do, dammit. And it's not even
in the right colour folder.

Does it matter?
Of course. It's a feasibility study.

Should be in a blue folder.

Bedrich...
Mother, what are you doing in here?

Well, I live here.
Yes, I know.

But this is my business office. You're
not supposed fo disturb me in here.

But he said it was important.
Who did?

Young Mr Edwards. He wants fo see you.

Mr Edwards? He hasn't got
an appointment. What does he want?

He said it was something
about sponsorship.

Oh, that Mr Edwards.
Well, you'd better show him in.

Now, this'll be
about my latest promotion.

Al fresco salad cream,
for your déjeuner sur 'herbe.

For my what?
Picnic.

The French association
gives it a touch of the haute cuisine.

Oh, yes. Should go well
with your bacon sandwiches.

Come in, Mr Edwards.

Here he is, Bedrich.
Oh. Well, you're not young Mr Edwards.

Well, of course he is.
Now, say your piece.

It's our raft race, sir.
Boy Scouts.

Here, have a biscuit.
Mother, look, I'm trying to work.

Go ahead.

I was wondering
whether you'd sponsor us, sir.

Who's us?
The Grantleigh troop.

Against others in the county.
Some sort of competition, is it?

Yes, sir. We have to build a raft and
then see who can go the furthest on it.

They're trying to raise money
for a new Scout hut.

Well, what would you like me to do?

Sponsor our raft, sir. So much
for every mile of the river we complete.

What sort of figure
did you have in mind?

It's up to you, sir.
Oh, thank you.

Mrs Proctor, 8p. Mr Miller, 5p.
The rector, 2p.

Is this per mile?
Yes, sir.

It'll take you about 20 years
to get a new Scout hut at this rate.

Why do you suppose
he has come to see you?

Because he thinks I'm a soft touch.

You should be glad to help young people.

The best way I can help them is to teach
them to do things in a businesslike way.

You just have to write down the amount,
that's all, sir.

You want me to invest my money
without an investigation?

You see, Spalding? Here it is again.

Sign it, Bedrich.
Mother, please don't interrupt.

This is business.
Business.

Certainly. This young man wants me
to invest my money just like that,

with no cost analysis,
no development projections and no...

BOTH: market research figures.

He is only a child.

Exactly. Young enough for me
to make a businessman out of him.

If I ran Cavendish Foods
the way some people run this estate,

I'd be bankrupt in no time.

Now, then, young man,
how long's the course?

Don't know, sir.

Do you know the optimum speed
of your craft?

No, sir.
Why not?

We haven't built it yet, sir.

Well, what about the age
and fitness of your crew?

No, sir.
The cost of a new Scout hut?

You see, Spalding, not even a glimmer
of a feasibility study.

Now, listen to me, young Mr Edwards.

Now, you go away and do some research

and come back
with a genuine proposition.

In a blue folder.
Don't be ridiculous, Spalding.

And when you've convinced me, here
you are, you've got a viable scheme,

you can tell me
how much I should sponsor you for.

It's called price rigging.

Price fixing, Mother. Know
your own value and charge accordingly.

Have you got that?
Yes, sir.

Good. You do it my way and you'll find
you get a much better deal. Off you go.

Robert, have a biscuit.

Ah. Hold out your hat.

Oh, Mother!
You've had quite enough, Bedrich.

You'll spoil your lunch.
Come along, Robert.

Good boy.
It's ages since I've been on a picnic.

Just like old times.
Not quite, madam, I'm afraid.

Brabinger remembers the real picnics,
don't you, Brabinger?

Oh, yes, madam. The table,
the white linen cloth, the candlesticks,

and a full staff to serve Perigord pies
and truffles from a Fortnum's hamper.

And now sardine sandwiches
and an individual fruit pie.

Of course, madam, you are both too young
to remember the river parties.

But I've seen the photographs.

Girls in straw hats and parasols
and the men in blazers and boaters.

Did the sun really shine
all the time, Brabinger?

Yes, madam. It was frequently so hot,

I had to keep putting ice buckets
under your grandmother's chair

to watt cool air up her skirts.

Those were the days, madam.
Oh, well, back to our brave new world.

Come along, Marjory.

I don't think we should go in there.

Oh, that's just to keep
the trespassers out.

We used to have them
all over the estate.

Martin had one made that said,

"Don't cross this field
unless you can do it 9.8 seconds.

The bull can doit in 10."

Yes, he was full of little jokes
like that.

I must say, I rather miss
having a man about the place, Marjory.

You've got Brabinger.

You know perfectly well what I mean.

Go on, it's quite safe.

Righto.

Guide training.

Finishing school training.

Come on, then, Marjory.

MARJORY: Oh, it's lovely, isn't it?

That's it, Bertie.

Off you go. Good boy.

Under that tree, don't you think?

MARJORY: Oh, no.
We might get struck by lightning.

An alert Guide
has to think of every eventuality.

No, we'll make camp, um, here.

Oh, all right.

Now, did you bring a spade?

Why on earth should we need a spade?
It doesn't matter.

I've got this.

What are you going to do?
Cut out a square of turf.

What for?

So that our fire
won't leave a scorched patch.

Fire?
Our camp fire.

To heat the water for the tea.

But I've got a stove.

Audrey, it was your idea
to come on this Guide outing.

This is a picnic,
nothing to do with Guiding.

Now, I've got some dry grass
for kindling, dry matches...

Where did you get all that stuff?
I always keep them in my Guide bag.

I'm surprised you haven't been arrested
for suspected arson.

Insect repellent, crepe bandage, lint,
iodine. You see? Everything we need.

Now, I want a forked stick
to hang the dixie on.

Dixie?
Billycan to you.

You did bring one, didn't you?
Of course I didn't.

Honestly, Aud, however did you become
county commissioner?

Anyone would think
you'd never read the Guide Handbook.

Well, we must learn
to move with the times.

Fortunately, the 20th century
has given us the simple gas stove.

Ah.

Well, at least
you don't have fo heat sardines.

Don't they provide a key any more?

"In all things, girls, be prepared.”

Well, it was Brabinger's evening off.

What have you done
about Brabinger's lunch?

He said he'd make his own arrangements.

I expect he'll take the Rolls
to the pub.

I'm beginning to think
we should have done the same thing.

Don't be silly. We'll manage.

Oh, gosh.
What's the matter?

We've got company.
Nonsense. This is a private field.

(Bellows)

Quick, Marjory. He's gaining on us.

I thought you said it was safe!

It's DeVere's fault.
He's changing everything.

Oh. I do beg your pardon, madam.

I wasn't expecting you back
quite so soon.

Brabinger, where did you get all this?

Well, in your late
father-in-law's time, madam,

a gentleman came to stay at the manor.

His name was Baden-Powell.

And he gave me an excellent piece
of advice which I've always remembered.

Be prepared.

(Intercom buzzes)

Spalding?
Yes, Mr DeVere.

Would you come in here?

Spalding, I've been thinking.
Oh.

That boy and you,
you both need a lesson in presentation.

So I want you to find out
everything there is to know.

What they're made of, durability,
resistance to weather,

colour, size and availability.

Of pigs?

No, you fool, of Scout huts.

Oh, I see.
You're gonna buy them a Scout hut.

I don't think they're gonna get one
any other way.

Not a hope. Yes, I can see it all.

The Richard DeVere Memorial Scout Hut.

Memorial?

Can I be of assistance, madam?
It's all right, Brabinger.

I'm boiling an egg.

Is madam not satisfied
with my boiled eggs?

You boil an egg to perfection,
Brabinger,

because here you have
the proper equipment.

But suppose you were stuck in the desert
with nothing but a piece of cotton,

a safety pin and an egg.

Well, I was, madam, frequently.
You were?

In your late father-in-law's time when
I was batman fo him in the Desert Rats.

In that case, you know what to do.

Yes, madam. I would use the cotton
to sew a braces button

on my officer's trousers.

The safety pin would hold up
my own trousers.

And I would fry the egg on a stone.

No, Brabinger,
this is the proper way to do eggs.

If you say so, madam.

I've been rather neglecting my duties
as county commissioner,

so I'm giving myself a refresher course.

I didn't know till yesterday
there's a proper way to climb trees,

according to Miss Frobisher.

Do you intend to climb a tree, madam?

Oh, no, Brabinger.
It's a hypothetical tree.

It ought to be there in case one
is being chased by a hypothetical bull.

There's also a proper way
to climb a five-barred gate.

Well, how is that, madam?
Fast.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, it's Master Robert Edwards, madam.

Oh, yes. Come in, Robert.

Ah. No, I'm afraid
I haven't got a bob-a-job for you.

I have Brabinger for that.

It's our raft race, Mrs forbes.
Will you sponsor us?

Oh, yes, of course.

Now, what are you hoping
to get this year?

We need a new Scout hut.

I'm not surprised,
with the battering you give the old one.

It's not us. It's the Guides.

Now, now, Robert.

They've just as much right
to be there as you have.

I'd have thought the rector
could have run to more than that.

After all, he is the Scout leader.

So you haven't been to see
Mr DeVere yet?

Yes, I have.
But his name isn't on the list.

He wanted to know more about it.
You mean he wouldn't sponsor you?

Well, not yet.
Did you hear that, Brabinger?

You and me, poor as we are,
giving our all for a new Scout hut,

while he, a millionaire,
grudges a few pennies.

And after everything
the Scouts have done for him.

The number of times they've helped
his mother across the road.

In spite of her resistance.
I think it's disgraceful.

You leave this to me, Robert.

I'll make sure you get
a fat contribution from the manor.

Thank you, Brabinger.

(Intercom buzzes)
SPALDING: Yes, Mr DeVere?

I've just read your report
on the Scout huts. First class.

Only one criticism.
It should have been a red folder.

You said biue for feasibility.

Ah, but this is now work in progress,
isn't it?

And liaise with the Scout people,
will you?

Usual anonymous donor, of course.
Just make sure they know who it's from.

Very good, Mr DeVere.

(Door opens)

AUDREY: I've come to see Mr DeVere.
Is he in?

SPALDING: Are you in?
Of course. Send her in.

AUDREY: I'm not a parcel.

Well, what a lovely surprise.

Uh, chair?
-Soitis.

I'm amazed that someone
as apparently hard-up has chairs at all.

I'd expect orange boxes.

You can have an orange box
if you prefer.

After all, I am a grocer, you know.
And doing very well.

Though one would hardly think so.
Would you like a biscuit?

I wouldn't dream of depriving you.
What's all this leading up to, Audrey?

I'm told you've refused to sponsor
our crew in the raft race.

It's a small matter in itself,
but it just explains

your whole attitude
to your position here.

Another lecture?
If that's what you want to call it.

In that case, I'll be brief. I'm fed up
with the way you keep rushing over here

with some little quibble
about the way I'm running this estate.

I know you have no real quarrel,
so why do you keep finding fault?

I'l tell you why. Firstly,
because you want to prove to everybody

that you're still Dame High and Mighty
around here,

and secondly because you rather enjoy
coming over here to see me.

Nonsense.

You simply cannot accept the fact
that I'm boss.

It goes against 400 years
of chronic inbreeding.

I don't think
we have anything further to say.

I haven't finished yet.

Providing you leave your grumbles
at home, you're welcome here any time.

I know when I'm not wanted.

I didn't say you weren't wanted, Audrey.

Well, you said a lot of other things.

They needed saying. Now, what about
having lunch with me next Saturday?

Providing it's a nice day.
Why does it have to be a nice day?

Because I thought
we might go for a picnic.

Déjeuner sur I'herbe, you know,
after the painting by Monet.

Manet.
Are you sure?

Quite sure.
I won't argue. Just say you'll come.

Well, I'l have a look in my diary.
I'm not sure if I'm free.

Please. It'll do us both good
to get off the estate.

Where were you thinking of going?
A field beside a stream.

Something simple.
We used to have wonderful picnics.

The hampers from Fortnum's,
the table set out under the trees,

and afterwards punting on the river.

The girls in straw hats and parasols
and the men in blazers and boaters.

Those were the days.
Yes.

Of course, I don't remember the '30s.
Neither do I.

Brabinger told me about it.
Long before my time.

Well, are you coming, then?
Of course.

Mind you, it doesn't alter
a single world I said. Till Saturday.

Rector, do we have to have
this raft in here?

This is supposed to be a Guide hut.

Ah, but it's also a Scout hut,
Miss Frobisher.

On Tuesdays and Fridays
it's a Guide hut,

and I'm about to give a first-aid class.

Couldn't you do that outside?
Itis a lovely evening.

Rector, that's not the point.
Evening, Rector. Marjory.

What are you doing here?
I am the county commissioner, Marjory.

I thought I'd come along
and give my annual inspection.

You might have told me.

Well, as you're here, Commissioner,
perhaps you can do something about this.

What is it?
fs a raft.

What shoddy frapping.
Frapping?

It's a knot-tying term.
Oh, I know that. I'm surprised you do.

Yes, we're getting ready for the race
on Saturday.

Oh, yes, in aid of the new Scout hut.

Well, no, not any longer.

We've been presented with the most
generous gift, a completely new hut.

Ohl
For the Scouts.

Who on earth gave you that?

An anonymous donor.
Who?

We don't know.
Don't be silly, Rector.

It's impossible to keep anything
a secret in this parish.

Well, let's just say we do know,
but we don't.

I bet it's Richard DeVere. If's just
the sort of unselfish thing he'd do.

DeVere unselfish? He wouldn't even
give Sp to sponsor the crew.

Whois it, Rector?
Mr DeVere.

I don't believe it.

Well, I have it on the authority
of my Cub leader.

Well, if that is the case, it's only
because I shamed him into doing it.

I took him severely to task
for not sponsoring our crew.

When?
Yesterday.

Ah, but we've known about this
for nearly a week.

Well, who told you?
My new Cub leader.

You new Cub leader seems to be
remarkably well informed.

Yes. Well, ask him yourself. Here he is.

AUDREY: Oh, evening, Mr Spalding.
Evening.

Well, Rector, perhaps you
and your new Cub leader

would remove this contraption
so I can get on with my inspection.

Certainly, Mrs fforbes-Hamilton.
We always had envisaged a trial launch.

Well, come along, boys.
All hands to the raft.

You'll have to tip it up.

Now, girls, today
we're going to do multiple fractures.

Now, when you have a multiple fracture,
you need a stretcher,

and to make a stretcher,
you need two coats.

Deborah, Sara, did you manage to find
two suitable posts for me?

Well done.

Now, you thread the posts
through the sleeves of the coats.

That's right.

There you are. A nice, strong stretcher.

Now, we put the patient
onto the stretcher.

Careful. She's got a fractured skull.

Among other things.

This is supposed to be an inspection.
It's chaotic.

Well, if we'd had a little warning,
we could have had a rehearsal.

To save you further embarrassment,
I'd better take over.

I don't see why. This is
a perfectly normal first-aid class.

Isit?

I'l give them a talk
on outdoor cooking drill.

You don't know the first thing about it.

Settle them down.

Now, quiet, please, everybody.

Quiet.

Pay attention, please.
And, Sara, don't do that.

The commissioner
has very kindly suggested

that she should take the class.

Sara, I said don't do it.

Now, the commissioner's going to tell us
everything she knows about camp cooking,

so it shouldn't take a minute.

Commissioner.

Now, then.
I expect you've all been to camp.

But this sort of thing comes in useful
even on the average family picnic.

Always remember, be prepared.

Now, these are the things
you should have handy.

A, uh, jackknife for cutting turf.

We don't want the farmer complaining
about the mess made by our camp fire.

And it is a good idea if the jackknife
has a tin opener attachment.

A tin with dry matches.

A polythene bag
in which you keep your dry kindling.

Insect repellent, lint, iodine.

And a forked stick to hang the dixie on.

Isn't it rather small?
It looks like a catapult.

It could also be used as a catapult.

Now, if you happen
to find yourself in the desert,

you'll need a piece of cotton
and a safety pin for boiling an egg.

Mrs fforbes-Hamilton,
I really must protest.

Now, what's the matter, Rector?
Your Guides have sabotaged our raft.

Why should they want to do that?

They never miss an opportunity to upset
my Scouts. Just look what they've done.

It's come apart. I did warn you, Rector.

Warn me?
I told you that frapping was no good.

This is nothing to do with the frapping.
Somebody removed the main joists.

Well, it wasn't the Guides.
It's obviously a rival Scout group.

Yes, I doubt that, Mrs fforbes-Hamilton.
Those are our joists down there.

Oh, no, Rector. Those are just two poles
we found lying around

to make a stretcher, didn't we, Deborah?

Deborah?

I thought as much. Sabotage.

You're very quick to condemn, Rector.
I'm sure Deborah acted in all innocence.

Yes, I doubt that, Mrs fforbes-Hamilton.

I've had trouble with her
in my confirmation class.

Well, perhaps we'd all better
give a hand.

Now, come along, girls. You may have
a chance to practise your first aid.

Those are our joists!
Be careful of the stretcher.

I insist that those joists are returned
to us, Mrs fforbes-Hamilton.

Very well, Rector. Marjory, let
the rector have his joists, will you?

Not that I think your shipwreck
was anything to do with us.

That raft is a thoroughly botched job.

[Creaking]

Tell me, Rector,
where did you get your joists from?

RICHARD: This seems like
as good a place as any.

Yes. You're quite right, Richard. It is
wonderful fo get away from the estate.

And especially wonderful
to be alone with you.

Thank you.

Right, let's see if we can find
a nice spot to have lunch.

There was no need
for you to have brought anything.

I thought I should.
No, no.

I've got everything that we need.

Oh, dear. It's empty.

Just as well I brought mine.

Never mind.
I think that we can do better than that.

Come with me.

Oh, Richard!

May I escort you fo luncheon?

You may. Indeed you may.

Oh. Thank you.

How do I look?
Very debonair.

How about this?
Enchanting.

Richard, this is magical.

Well, to our déjeuner sur I'herbe.

Bon appétit, cher Richard.

Richard...

Hm?
I think you've been deceiving me.

What makes you say that?
You've donated a new Scout hut.

Oh, that.
Without saying a word to me about it.

Well, it was supposed to be anonymous.

Sorry.
No, I should be apologising to you.

Don't be silly.
Yes, I should and I do.

I'm sorry. I behaved rather badly.

Do you know something, Audrey?
Sometimes you're really very sweet.

Thank you. So are you.

That was a marvellous picnic.
I's not over yet.

A punt? How wonderful.

Yes, I thought we might go
up the river on it.

Do you know how to use a punt pole?

Yes, of course.

Now, Audrey, if you'd just like to
untie the mooring and jump in.

Mr DeVere,
can we have our props back now?

Later.
Mr Bailey wants them back now.

Props?
Go away.

What props?
Your hat and his blazer and boater.

Tell Mr Bailey he'll have to wait.
I'm paying for the advertising, not him.

What advertising?

It's a promotion for al fresco salad
cream, for your déjeuner sur 'herbe.

Advertising for a salad cream?

Audrey, I can explain.

No, no, no, no.
You wanted to go down the river.

Don't do that. I...

Off you go.
Oh. No... No...

I've never been in one of these before.

There.
(Cheering)

Uh, can you stop? No, stop.

If you come down here,
you're going to crash into me.

AUDREY: Richard, pole into the side.
I'm trying to pole into the side!

AUDREY: Very quickly.
RICHARD: Audrey, can't you do something?

Why can't you get it into the side?
There's going to be an accident.

Boys!

Boys, you're going to crash into me.

Stop.

Oh, Richard.