To the Manor Born (1979–2007): Season 2, Episode 6 - Vive Le Sport - full transcript

Well, I'm sure we've all learnt a lot

from Sir Peter's very interesting talk
on wildlife in the hedgerows.

It only remains for me to thank him

on behalf of the Grantleigh branch
of the nature conservancy association

and for us to express our gratitude
in the usual manner.

Well done, Sir Peter.

That was jolly good, wasn't it?
He gave exactly the same talk last year.

Well, the hedgerows are endangered, you
know.

We're jolly lucky to have someone
as important as Sir Peter.

Well, he's preaching to the converted,
and not too many of them.

Was this meeting properly advertised?



Of course, the parish magazine, the local paper
and the telegraph pole outside my house.

I expect your poster's been torn down.
Who by?

Nobody ever goes past my house.

What about DeVere? Was he told?

Er...not specifically.
I sort of hoped he'd get to know.

The one person who should be here
and you hoped he'd read your telegraph pole?

You'll stay for a cup of tea, Sir Peter?
Thank you.

Sorry we couldn't muster a better attendance.

Not at all.

We're only a very small branch
of the conservancy association.

Yes.

Thank you so much, Sir Peter.
It was just what we needed to pep us all up.

Well, i's people like you
who are the backbone of the organisation.

We may be small
but we like to think we're very active.



Is that tea or coffee, Mrs Beecham?
Not that that machine knows the difference.

Oh, coffee, Mrs forbes.
Coffee for our honoured guest.

Well, I'l take that, thank you.

Yes, a very good talk.

Though I think he was wrong
fo talk about a clutch of ducks.

Oh, you mean,
like you talk about a flock of sheep?

Yes, yes. I can't think what it is for ducks.

Well, maybe Ned will know.

Ned?
Oh, yes, Reverend.

Sorry I wasn't in church last Sunday, but...
No, no, no.

You know we have a brood of chickens
or a flock of sheep. What is it of ducks?

Casserole, I believe.

Ah, tea.
No, coffee.

I hope that's all right, Sir Peter.
Thank you.

I was just saying
that we in central office can't do much

without our watchdogs
keeping a sharp eye open in the rural areas.

That means people like you.

Sleep with out boots on, what?

Well, I wouldn't go quite that far.

But it is a fact that it is here in the countryside

where the abuse of the environment
is happening.

I can assure you, there have been
no abuses of the environment here.

Oh, no, no, of course not, no.

You've always run this estate impeccably.
Thank you, Sir Peter.

And I'm sure you always will.
I'm afraid not.

The estate has changed hands.

Changed hands?
I was forced fo sell.

My husband died, you see.

Oh, I'm most awfully sorry. I had no idea.
I must have missed the announcement.

You mustn't blame yourself.
It was impossible to let people know.

The Times was on strike.

Ah, yes, that accounts for it.
Who runs the estate now?

Mr Richard DeVere. He's awfully nice.

DeVere? Richard DeVere? Not...

Cavendish Foods? Yes.
Oh, dear.

Quite. The city farmer, I'm afraid.

Oh, you've got to watch them like hawks.
They're only interested in money.

It's a great pity Mr DeVere didn't hear your talk.
He would have found it most uplifting.

Tell me, Sir Peter, how's your wife?

I didn't realise you'd met her.

Well, I once stood next to her at Ascot.

But not for long because our dresses clashed.

I'm afraid she died last year.

Oh, I'm most dreadfully sorry.

Not at all. We couldn't let people know, either.

The Times has a great deal to answer for.

Sandwiches, anybody?
Oh, yes, please. I'm famished.

They look damn good. What are they?
Pheasant p&té, homemade.

Sir Peter?
No, thank you.

I'm a vegetarian.

No, the real problem is,

the whale, the white rhino and the seal
get all the publicity

while you have to soldier on in defence
of the beleaguered badger and so forth,

with no help from those
who hold the purse strings.

We don't get many white rhino on the estate.

Sandwich anyone?
It's all right. Cheese and cucumber.

What did you think it was, white rhino?

Well, according fo the computer, Miller,
there's a much simpler way of doing it.

Well, we've always farmed it this way, sir.

Not very profitable, though, is it?

That's true, sir.

Look, you've got barley here, wheat there,
kale in this patch here, then back to barley,

and a bit more wheat over there.

It may look very picturesque
on an English Tourist Board poster,

but does it make any sense?

It's been done like that
for a good few hundred years, sir.

Oh, good, then it's time we had a change.

Would it be possible to grow barley
in a 50 acre field?

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, you're the farm foreman.
Tell me why we don't do that.

We don't have a 50 acre field.
Precisely.

Look at the Little Hollows area.
You've got 20 small fields down there,

all enclosed by fences and hedges.

Ah, well, the reason for that...
Don't interrupt, there's a good chap.

If we rip out the fences
and grub up the hedges,

we could cultivate all that extra acreage,

never mind cutting down on turning circles
for tractors and harvesters.

And best of all,
we could grow one crop in one place.

What do you think?
I agree to that in theory.

Good, then let's get onto it in practice.
We're only getting half the yield we could.

Mr DeVere, if I could just explain.

Just let me have an estimate of the cost,
that's all.

Very good, sir.

City farmers!

Hello, Mr Miller.
Morning, Mrs fforbes.

Are you giving Mr DeVere
the benefit of your advice?

I don't think Mr DeVere needs any advice,
Mrs fforbes. Good morning.

Good morning, Richard.
Morning. I trust you have an appointment.

Yes, and if this takes too long,
I shall be late for it.

I hope you haven't been upsetting Mr Miller.
Not really, he's just a bit set in his ways.

Anything he doesn't know about the estate
isn't worth knowing.

I didn't expect to find you in the farm office.

This is just the place to look for a busy farmer.

A farmer, yes.

No, I'm not going to let you
put me down, Audrey.

From now on you can look for me in here.
I'll get this place back on its feet.

I'm delighted to hear it.

Why weren't you
at the nature conservancy meeting last night?

Oh, no time.
You must make time for that sort of thing.

You're the biggest landowner round here.

Sir Peter Allenshaw's talk
was almost entirely for your benefit.

Do you know, I'm surrounded by people
telling me how I should run this place

and all I get are cock-eyed, out-of-date ideas
which don't make good business sense.

Grantleigh is a way of life, not a business.
It should be.

Only an idiot could fail to make a profit
out of an estate this size.

We never did.

Look, I'm going to show you
how a farm should be run.

Now, in three days' time, it will be New Year.

IfI haven't made a profit by this time next year,

I'll pack up and go back to London.

Oh, dear, we shall all miss you dreadfully.

Do you know,
there are only 200 tigers left in East Bengal?

Lady Forsett-Strickland died last year,
92 and active to the last.

Dowager Lady Mortlake's gone as well.

I would have thought
Lady Dungeness would have left more than that.

We're losing 250 million acres
of forest every year.

Sir Basil Masterton died
while watching a test match at Lord's.

I wonder what took him off?

Dutch elm disease.

Marjory, I do wish you wouldn't read out loud.

I thought you'd be interested.

Why should I be interested
in Dutch elm disease?

Gracious, even the tree diseases in this country
have to be imported now.

Lord Glapthorne went suddenly in August.

What are you reading?

The Times obituaries.
I sent for the supplements.

There are a lot to get through.
Why are you writing them down?

I am determined not to be caught out again
like I was with Sir Peter.

Sir Peter!

Your interest should be
with nature conservancy, not the court circular.

Well, if somebody's died
and you haven't read about it,

it can be embarrassing when you meet them
at a party the following week.

I should think it could be.

Oh, you know what I mean.

Well, that's me up to date,
except for today's paper.

Fancy a walk to the post office?
Hasn't Ned collected the paper?

Richard dragooned him
into working on the estate today.

Never mind, the exercise will do us good.

Come on, Bertie.

Walk.
Come on.

I think you're taking
this Lady Allenshaw business too far.

I'm just doing my homework, that's all.

Yesterday at the meeting
you were all over Sir Peter Allenshaw.

I was trying to make up for committing
the most appalling social gaffe.

I bet it was because he was Sir Peter.

It wasn't anything to do
with his talk on hedgerows.

You couldn't get it out of your mind
that he was Sir Peter.

Don't keep saying Sir Peter like that.
You sound like an American.

You're not interested in nature conservancy.

I don't know how
you can say such a thing, Marjory.

There isn't a hedgerow or thicket
on this estate that I don't know and love.

Look over there. See that free?
Yes.

Well, every bird and every squirrel
that's ever visited that tree

I happen to know personally.

Even as a child, I used to love that tree.

We used to climb it. We had a swing on it.

That's how you get to know about nature.
You grow up with it.

You don't just learn it out of books.

So don't tell me I don't care about nature,

because if anything on any part of this estate
is so much as touched,

I'd be the first person to leap to its protection.

Marjory?

Marjory?

What on earth are you looking like that for?

Your tree.

Yes, I still regard it as my tree, even now.

Oh, my Lord!

Ned, what are you doing?

150 years old, give or take.

Shame, eh?

What do you mean by cutting this down?

Orders of Mr DeVere, ma'am.

We're clearing this bit of land here
and the hedgerows up there.

The hedgerows, Ned?

Yes, ma'am. This one here
and all the ones up the top of the hill,

to make one big field.

Whatever for?
Barley, ma'am.

And this is Mr DeVere's doing?

Yes, and I'll be glad to see the back of ‘em.

If you'd had to drive a tractor in all this lot,
always going round corners...

Ned, you're paid to go round corners.

Marjory, we must mobilise.
Yes, we certainly must.

I've heard all about city farmers
turning England into the Prairies

but I never thought it would happen here.

If he's going to dig up hedges,
he's going fo have to dig me up with them.

And you, Marjory.
Oh, yes, absolutely.

You go and tell the Brigadier

and we'll have an emergency meeting
of the conservancy association in the Lodge

to organise a demonstration.

Ring up the local paper
and tell them to send a photographer.

And where are you going?
I'm going to read the riot act to DeVere.

Mrs fforbes, can I do anything to help?

Well, for a start, you can put that back up again.

Bertie.

Do you think we can get all those hedges out
in time for the spring sowing, Miller?

It won't be easy, Mr DeVere.
Just don't make difficulties.

Get the machinery in and get on with it.

Well, if that's what the computer says,
I can't argue with it.

I should like a word. In fact, several words.

I'm glad you've dropped by.
Mother's away for New Year.

Would you be my hostess
at the estate party on New Year's Eve?

Certainly not.

And I have not dropped by.
I am here on purpose.

I want to know what you're up to.

Just working here with Miller, that's all.
Yes.

Planning and plotting
to tear the estate apart at the hedgerows.

Oh, that.
-Yes, that.

I did say it wouldn't be easy.

All right, Miller, you can carry on.

Very good, sir.
Carry on what?

Where's he going?
Just getting in the heavy machinery.

You know, the JCB earth movers.
All right, Miller.

The hedge grubbers and the chainsaws.
Yes, all right, Miller.

So it's true. I might have known.

Have you no respect for the countryside?

Of course I have.

And for my bank balance,
which is why I've had this installed.

What is it, an electric typewriter?

No, it's a computer. It can do the office work
of an entire government department.

Oh, I see, it makes the tea, does it?

It can do in three minutes
what it's taken your family centuries to achieve.

Can it indeed?

I suppose it goes off and fights crusades
and you can programme it to rule India.

I mean on the estate. Why don't you trust me?
I told you about my New Year's resolution.

You did not tell me you were going
to turn Grantleigh into Oklahoma.

I'm just turning 20 impractical little fields
into one practical big one.

Exactly, nothing to be seen
but miles and miles of waving corn.

Barley actually.

Not a tree in sight, not a bird in flight.
That's rather good.

I warn you, Richard,
you are stirring up a hornet's nest.

Bound to, grubbing up all those hedgerows.

I want you to know
that your abuse of our environment

will be resisted by every means at our disposal.

That is all I have fo say.
Are you listening to me or to that thing?

This at the moment. It's reached a critical point.

Well, let me know when it decides to tear down
the Lodge to make way for a cabbage patch.

Ssh

Richard, if that's so attractive to you,

why don't you ask it to play hostess
at the New Year's Eve party?

Come on, Bertie.

Oh, damn.

I've lost again.

Now, this is the area we have fo protect,
all these fields round Little Hollows.

The only way in for vehicles is down Long Lane

or by the Marbury Road at the north.

Right, so we post pickets here, here and here.

And I'll have my command post here.

That's the Mortlake Arms.

Isit?

Soitis.

Now, we'll need as many placards as possible.

Oh, I'll organise that. Slogans like,
"Hands off our halcyon hedgerows!"

Yes, well, something like that.
Keep them short and pithy.

"Down with DeVere!"

Oh, isn't that geting a little personal?

Yes, it is. Well done, Marj.

And what about the troops?
Where are they coming from?

Well, I'll organise a coach

fo collect as many members of
the conservancy association as we can muster.

Have them report to me at the pub...
the command post.

Now, how are we off for intelligence?

I beg your pardon?

Information about the enemy, that sort of thing.

Ah, well, fortunately we have a mole.

A mole?

A spy in the enemy camp.

Dirty business, spying.

This is war, Brigadier.

Well, who is it?
Mr Miller.

The farm foreman?

Good Lord. Always seemed such a decent chap.

He is a decent chap. He's on our side.

Now, according to him,
the JCB moves in on New Year's Eve.

JCB?

It's an earth mover.

Sounds more like something
out of the New Year's honours list.

The honours list?
Yes, you know, like...

Oh, nothing, really.

Do you know something?
Know something?

About the honours list.
No, no.

Well, just a whisper.

Oh, tell us, Brigadier.
No, no.

I shouldn't have mentioned it.

But you know something we don't.
Good Lord, no.

You do, don't you?

Well, only that I gather
it's worth keeping an eye on this year.

Something that might interest us?
Or somebody?

Oh, somebody, certainly.

Now, who do we know
who could be in the running?

I bet it's Richard.

Is it DeVere?
No, no, no. I promised not to let on.

Itis DeVere, isn't it?

Sorry, Audrey, not another word.
Shouldn't have said anything at all.

Yes, well, I think you've said enough
for us to guess, Brigadier.

For the Lord's sake, keep it to yourselves.

I don't want any trouble.
I wonder what they'll give him.

Who?
Richard. A knighthood at least, I should think.

They've probably given him a royal warrant.

By appointment
to Her Majesty The Queen, grocer.

I wonder if they'll give him a life peer.
Lord DeVere. Gosh!

Pull yourself together.
I thought you'd be interested.

The only thing that interests me at the moment

is preventing DeVere
from destroying our countryside.

Quite right, Audrey.
Let's get back to the battle plan.

Well, I suggest
we all meet on the morning of the 31st

and, by means of peaceful picketing,

prevent DeVere's earth movers
from moving anything, especially us.

(Doorbell)

Oh, see who that is, Marjory.
Ned's still in the pub.

Now, I think that's just about it.
Except for you, Rector.

You've been very quiet.
What are you going to do at the demonstration?

Er..well...

Er...it's very difficult for me.

What's difficult about it?

Well, in my position
I can't go around offending people.

You do it all the time.

I can't take sides.

You mean you can't take our side.

Well, sobeiit.

If you rate keeping on the right side
of Mr DeVere more highly

than protecting our endangered species...

Talking of endangered species.

Yes? Who is it?

It's Brabinger.

How wonderful.
Welcome home, Brabinger. How are you?

Oh, quite well now, madam, thank you.
Looking forward to getting back to work.

Oh, there's no hurry to get back to work.

I expect you'd like a cup of tea.
Thank you, madam.

And while you're in the kitchen, make one for us.

Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor.

I don't think I know any sailors.

Silk, satin, cotton, rags.

Oh, dear.

Coach, carriage, wheelbarrow, donkey cart.

Are you ready for coffee, madam?
Yes.

I can't tell you how glad I am
to have you back, Brabinger.

Ned was all very well
but he would sing obscene songs in the bath.

How are the stones today?

Very uninspiring tonight.
I'm sorry to hear that, madam.

Perhaps another helping.
That would be cheating.

They don't work if you cheat.
I'm sorry.

I forgot how eagerly
you follow these omens, madam.

I follow them eagerly for the very good reason
that they always come true.

The morning we lost the manor
there were 13 segments in my grapefruit.

The day we moved out,
there were seven cherries in my fruit salad.

You know what that means, don't you?
Yes, beggar man.

Exactly. All true, you see.

Well, some day your prince will come, madam,
I'm sure.

That reminds me. There's going to be something
of interest in the New Year's honours list

for someone we both know.

Well, that's splendid news, milady.

Brabinger, you called me "milady”. Why?

It was a slip of the tongue.

Just for a moment I imagined you
to be Lady fforbes-Hamilton.

I'd have to be Lady something else.
I couldn't be Lady fforbes-Hamilton.

Of course not, madam.
At any rate, I wasn't thinking about me.

It's somebody other.

Mr DeVere, madam?
Perhaps.

Sir Richard DeVere.

Possibly.

Sir Richard and Lady DeVere.

Lady DeVere?

Well, there is a vacancy.

Shall I serve coffee, madam?
Yes, in the drawing room. Thank you.

Lady something?

This year, next year, sometime, never.

This year.

Lady DeVere? This year?

There are only two days left of this year.

Oh, well.

Richard. Audrey.

fforbes-Hamilton.

Two things.

First, I'd like to apologise
for my behaviour yesterday.

No, no, they are your hedgerows, Richard.

Although I disapprove strongly of your actions,
it was wrong of me to come and tell you so.

Not at all.

The second thing is that,
by way of making amends,

I'd be delighted to accept your invitation
to play hostess at the New Year's Eve party.

That's settled, then.
I think we should meet to discuss arrangements.

No, no, I'm doing absolutely nothing
for the rest of the year.

Tomorrow for coffee?

Splendid. I look forward to it.

Good night, Richard.

J We shall, we shall not be moved

J We shall, we shall not be moved

J We shall, we shall not be moved

J We shall, we shall not be moved

How's it going, Marjory?

No sign of anything, not an earth mover in sight.

It's all quiet in the other sections, too.

Do you think
Audrey could have the wrong date?

Could have.

Got it from this mole chap, didn't she?
Might be a double agent for all we know.

Where is Audrey?

I don't know.
Oh.

Well, haven't you seen her?
Not yet. She'll probably turn up.

You don't think she's deserted us, do you?

Audrey get cold feet? Good Lord, no.

Well, I'd better get back to the command post.

You know what to do if the enemy attacks.
Oh, yes.

Look.

What are those?
Mud pies for throwing.

Steady. We don't want to provoke an incident.

Oh, no, it's all right.
We throw them at the vehicles, not the drivers.

They're beautifully squidgy.

Good shooting, then.

Yes, the blue ones on the left, Mrs Beecham,
and then the green on the right.

Very good, Mrs forbes.

No, the other way round.
Green on the left, blue on the right.

Oh, hello, Richard. How lovely fo see you.

What's the matter?

I've just been attacked.

You look a bit shaky. What happened?

Well, there's a whole lot of people
down in the Little Hollows area.

As I drove past, they pelted my car with mud.

That is absolutely disgraceful.

Yes, I thought so, too.
It was meant to be a peaceful demonstration.

Do you know about it?

It's just Marjory
and her nature conservancy cronies.

I decided to have nothing to do with it.

To do with what?

Well, picketing Little Hollows
to stop you tearing up the hedgerows.

A little further to the left, I think, Mrs Beecham.

Good Lord, I'd forgotten all about that.

They are your hedgerows.
You're entitled to do as you like.

I'm not going to do anything.
You're not?

Oh, no, I've scrapped that idea.

I took some expert advice, thanks to you.
Me?

You said anything Miller didn't know
wasn't worth knowing.

Perfectly true.

So I stopped talking and listened for a change.
He told me that was a north-facing slope.

IfI'd have grubbed up the hedges,

I'd have exposed the area to storm damage.
Could have lost the entire crop.

Well, I don't want to say, "I told you so",

but we haven't been farming here for 400 years
without picking up a wrinkle or two.

Well, I'm really very grateful to you
for organising all of this for me.

I simply couldn't have coped on my own.

Of course not. You're a busy farmer.

I'm only too delighted to do everything I can.

Well, I really appreciate it, Audrey.

Look, why don't you go back to the manor,

have a nice hot bath,
and I'll come over for a drink later.

Oh.

And if I were you, I'd go back
via Mellow End Mill and avoid the pickets.

Ah, thank you.
Off you go. I won't be long.

See you later.
Right. Bye.

Oh, no, those look awful, Mrs Beecham.
Have them all together in a great big bunch.

Yes, Mrs fforbes.

I don't think
the JCBs will be coming now, Brigadier.

No, it's getting late.

Any sign of Audrey?

She hasn't been near us all day.

These staff wallahs are all the same.

Ought to be up the sharp end with the troops.

Evening, sir. Evening, Miss Frobisher.

Have you seen Mrs forbes anywhere?
Yes, ma'am.

Where?

I saw her just now in the parish rooms.

But that's where they're holding the party.

That's right. Mrs fforbes is getting it all ready.

Just like old times, isn't it, ma'am?

You know what that means, don't you?

She's double-crossed us.

Damn bad show.

Should have smelt a rat
when she told us about that mole.

Something fishy going on.

She's not going to get away with it. Come on.

I think we'll have the jelly and cream
down this end, don't you?

That's fine.

And we'll keep your mince pies in reserve, Millie.

Something solid before they drive home.

So this is where you've been skulking.
Desertion, that's what it is.

Court-martial offence.
Look at all that mud on the floor.

What? Oh, sorry.

I've just swept that.
Well, Mrs Beecham has just swept that.

Well, never mind the mud.
Where have you been?

Attending to my duties.

Your duties were picketing the hedgerows.

We've been hanging about out there
ever since first light.

Frightened them off, by George.

No sign of the enemy all day.

I know.
You know?

The whole operation's been cancelled.
You mean, the hedges are safe?

Totally.
And the wildlife?

It will remain completely undisturbed.

Mr DeVere has abandoned
his plans for Little Hollows, thanks to me.

How the blazes did you manage that?

Just something I said, Brigadier.

It made him realise
that if he grubbed up all the hedgerows,

he would expose his crops to storm damage.

So we won!
Yes, Marjory.

Diplomacy is so much more civilised
than slinging mud at people's cars.

Do you think he knows who did it?

I don't think so, but if he sees that banner,
he might have suspicions.

Oh, gosh, I'd better get rid of it.

I hope you're coming
to see the New Year in with us.

Well, actually, we refused, didn't we?

Fraternising with the enemy, you see.

Well, the war's over now, Brigadier,
and I'm the hostess, so I'm inviting you.

Oh, Aud, thanks awfully.

See you later.

J For auld lang syne

J We'll take a cup of kindness yet

J For the sake of auld lang syne

(Cheering)

Happy New Year, Mrs fforbes-Hamilton.
Lovely party.

And to you, Rector.
Sorry about the conga trampling your bicycle.

Well, Audrey,
you really organised a lovely party.

Thank you, Richard.

Well, it's January 1st.

Yes, itis.

Haven't you got something to tell me?

What's that?

Don't keep me in suspense any longer.
It will be published in a few hours.

What will?
The New Year's honours list.

Oh, yes.

And somebody here is rumoured tobe in it.

Well, yes, I do know something about it.

Tellme.
Oh, no, it's not for me to say.

Aud, guess what,
Brigadier Leamington's just told me.

Told you what?

He's getting an OBE
for his services to nature conservation.

Shouldn't have said anything yet.
Bad form really.

Congratulations, Brigadier. Well done.
Thank you.

Congratulations, Brigadier.
Thank you.

Is that all? Nobody else?

Were you expecting anybody else?

No, no, no, of course not.

Champagne, madam?

The stones were wrong, Brabinger.
They said this year. Now it's next year.

No, madam, now is this year.

Are you sure?
Quite positive, madam.

Sir?
Oh, thank you, Brabinger. Thank you.

Well, Audrey, let's drink to this year.

And to us?