To the Manor Born (1979–2007): Season 2, Episode 4 - Tramps and Poachers - full transcript

Thank you.
Here you are.

Ooh, this room has filled up a bit
since I was last here.

Yes, my china collection
seems fo be growing quite fast.

Mm, Coalport, Rockingham,

Sévres.

Oh.
Oh, that's Chinese.

Yes, I know.

Hurry up. I'm longing to have a look.

Did you go to Christie's
fo buy a bumper box of tissues?

Well, there it is.
What's the matter? Scared of dropping it?

Oh, it's lovely, Richard.



Do you know what that is?
Egyptian.

Yes, but can you date it?

Approximately I'd say about...

4,000 BC.

Yes, I'll accept that.
It was a real bargain, you know.

You could pay up to £40,000
for something like that these days.

Oh, that's what I did pay.

Worth every penny. Can I hold it?

Um, well, be careful.
Don't worry.

I'm used to handling valuable objects,

even though I may be a bit out of practice.

Yes, it's very fine.
I think it will look very nice over there.

Yes, just over here.

Let me open the doors.
Thank you.



Yes, you're right, of course.

I could spend hours in here.

This collection means a lot to me.
There was a time when I had nothing.

In the early days my mother's taste in china
wasn't exactly discerning.

Oh, Mrs Poo's always shown excellent taste.

I'm sure she'd never have
plaster ducks flying up the wall.

Good Lord, no. It was those wizened
Arab faces staring down at us.

You must spend a fortune on this collection.

Not really. It pays for itself.
It just takes one lucky find.

Then you sell and buy
and sell and buy and keep and it builds up.

Rather like a supermarket chain.

Something like that. It's easy.

Not to me. I haven't got the experience.

Well, you know a lot about antiques.

Only because I grew up with them.
They weren't antiques to us, you see.

I can remember when the family still used
the hand-painted Italian Majolica dinner service.

Imagine parting your spinach

and finding the Rape of the Sabine Women
going on underneath.

Most unnerving.

My Great-Uncle Peveril
was drinking from a Sévres cup

when he had a heart attack.
It was awful.

Did he die?
Worse. It ruined the set.

Nowadays this is all much too valuable to use.
You ought to be careful, Richard.

I don't give it to the rector
for his parish room bun fights.

No, I'm talking about security.

You've got thousands of pounds worth
of wonderful pieces in here.

Anyone could help themselves.
But we live in the country.

The criminal fraternity have cars these days.

You should get the place
looked at by the local police.

Yes, I suppose I should.

Oh, hello, Audrey.
Oh, hello, Mrs Poo.

I'm admiring Richard's latest acquisition.

Oh, what has he been wasting
his pocket money on now?

This.

-Ajug?
A vase, Mother.

It's chipped.

It's worth a lot of money, Mrs Poo.

Oh, I doubt it.

It's probably second-hand.

Ned?

Ned, can you give me a hand with this cabinet?

You called, madam.
What on earth are you doing there?

I was on the terrace.
Why?

Tying up the honeysuckle.
Them gales did a lot of damage in the garden.

That's not your job, Ned.
You're supposed to be inside now.

I can't get anyone else to do it, madam.

What about Mr...?
The little man from the village.

Oh, he doesn't do gardening any more.

There must be dozens
of other little men who do. Find one.

Oh, I'll try, madam.

Will you give me a hand with this, please?

We only moved it yesterday.

Well, now that my collection
is reduced to that Buddha,

we don't need this any more.

Right. Up you go.

Tell me when it's too heavy for you.
It's all right, madam.

Back. That's it.

Take care. That's right.

Back you go.
All right, madam.

You'll have to move the umbrella stand.
Right-ho.

Right. I'll take it. That's right.
Coo-ee.

Oh.

Really, Marjory. This is a very valuable piece.
Oh, I'm sorry.

You're not rearranging
the furniture again, are you?

I thought we did all that
the day before yesterday.

Well, it's not right yet
and it gives me something to do.

Come in.
Ned, get that up to the attic, will you?

Don't let me interrupt.
I just came to say goodbye.

Where are you going?
I'm producing the WI play this year.

So I thought I'd do a week's stagecraft course
at the Arts Centre.

But why are you saying goodbye?
I's a residential course.

For a whole week?
What will I do in the evenings without you?

Rearrange the furniture. That's what
we've been doing for the last few evenings.

Oh, well, off you go, then. Enjoy yourself.

Don't be like that, Aud.

I'll begin to think you'll miss me.
That's just it. I will miss you.

I look forward to you coming round
in the evenings.

You've never said that before.

Well, it's not the sort of thing you say, is it?

You're like part of the furniture here.

I wouldn't say I like you here
any more than I'd say I like that sofa there.

That's a chair. The sofa's there.

Well, it was yesterday.

Without you I shall be very lonely.

Nonsense. You'll have lots of friends calling in.

They haven't called in up to now.
Why should they suddenly start tomorrow?

Now you're getting morbid.

I'm just facing facts, Marjory.

People only bothered with me
because I was who I was.

Well, who are you now?

Nobody.

Don't be so ridiculous.
You're still Audrey fforbes-Hamilton.

You're still an important person locally.

And you're still very much in demand.

In that case,
why wasn't I asked fo produce the WI play?

Well, I don't think it was even mentioned.

That's exactly what I mean, you see.
I'm not even mentioned any more.

I must just learn to resign myself
to lonely widowhood.

You don't know what being lonely is.
You should get Mrs Poo on the subject.

Richard used fo leave her for weeks on end
in their Hampstead house.

There's plenty of people in Hampstead.

Mrs Poo didn't get on with them.
Foreigners, she said.

She was reduced to going through
the Yellow Pages and geting tradesmen in.

Whatever for?

To give her free estimates for double glazing,
kitchen units, build your own porch,

just to have someone to talk to.

Poor Mrs Poo.

If I'd known you'd feel like this,
I'd have scrubbed Anthony and Cleopatra.

Who?

That's the play we're doing on the course.

I must be off. I promised Mrs Poo
that I'd pop in to say goodbye.

Well, I'l see you out.

What on earth have you got in there?
Oh, some bits and bobs for the play.

Don't they supply everything?
We're supposed to use our imagination,

activate our subconscious.

Bye.
Bye.

Thanks.

You're not to worry about me.
No, I won't.

I shall be perfectly all right on my own.

Ned?

Yes, madam?
I thought I asked you take that up to the attic.

Oh, I can't manage it on my own, madam.

Well, get a little man from somewhere
to help you.

Oh, that's awful.

Well, it's very difficult to put a value on all of this.
Some of the pieces are priceless.

Well, I don't like the sound of it, sir.

IfI'd known I had Fort Knox on my patch,
I'd have done something about it long ago.

What would you have done?

Put up a big sign saying "Keep out".

I thought you were the crime prevention officer.

I am the crime prevention officer.

Didn't I see you on point duty last week?

I'm also head of traffic division, sir.

What you've got here is a security problem.
Yes, that's why I sent for you.

These pamphlets may be the answer.

I could always pile them up behind the door.

Well, you could, sir, yes.

Or you could sit here all day guarding it yourself.

Trouble is, I don't get into this room every day.

So it could be some time before you were aware
a burglary had been committed?

I suppose so.
The room ought to be checked every day.

Precisely.

These are cups and saucers, are they, sir?
Not just cups and saucers, officer.

Oh, no. I see you've got some plates
and the odd tureen.

Still, not much
to interest your average villain, sir.

No, only someone with expert knowledge.

A connoisseur, eh?
Yes.

Well, in here you'll find details
of alarm systems, electric fences...

No, I don't want to live in a prison camp.

Maybe you should have
a direct line to our head of CID.

Good idea. I'll talk to him.

You are talking to him, sir.

Don't worry, we'll have this place so secure
that not even you will be able to get in.

There's no point in having a collection
I can't look at.

But you hardly ever use this room, sir.

I don't think we're getting very far.

Nothing personal, but I ought
to talk to the senior officer at your station.

You are the senior officer at your station.

Ned, can you come here a minute?

You don't want
to move the furniture again, do you?

No, I was just seeing if my voice worked.

It's in very good order, madam.
Even I heard it.

Good.

I haven't spoken to a soul for the last three days.

Oh, did you get a little man in to do the garden?

Yes, madam, the day after tomorrow.

But he's going to charge us money.

Oh.

Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come fo it.
Thank you, Ned.

Oh, hello. Comfy Seal Double Glazing?

This is Mrs fforbes-Hamilton
of Grantleigh Manor Lodge.

I believe you do free estimates
for double glazing.

Oh, good. I wonder if you have a littie man
you could send round to measure me up.

The sooner the beter.
I'm here all the time.

Oh, thank you so much.

Oh, just one thing.
You're sure your estimates are free?

Oh, good. That's all I want to know. Thank you.

Modofit Kitchen Design.

Bertie, I'll get a little man in
to measure you up for a new kennel.

I wanted a security system installed
and now see what's happened.

My most valuable piece has gone.

When did you last see this vase, sir?
When I unpacked it. I've just bought it.

Just bought it? Must be an inside job, then.

How did you work that one out?
Hardly anyone could have known it was here.

Who else lives in the house apart from the staff?

Just me and my mother.

I think I'd better have a word with her, sir.
What's her full name?

Maria Jaroslava Viadimira Martinka Polouvicka.

I think we can rule her out, sir.

I hope so. I don't want her interrogated.

If you ask me, this is going to be easy.
What are you going to do?

Wait.
Yes, that sounds easy enough.

They always give themselves away.

All we have to do is watch out for someone
who is spending more than they should.

Now, I want the glass to fit the mullions.

I don't want you
knocking the mullions about fo fit the glass.

Now, who's carpet?

Good. Well, if you'd like
to start measuring in here.

You're kitchen, are you?
Modofit Kitchens, ma'am.

Good. You come with me.

Now, I'm thinking of having everything
in muted avocado.

I'd like a ceramic hob,

a double oven.

What's the matter?
We don't do muted avocado, ma'am.

Then what's that?

Bathrooms, ma'am.
Oh.

I was wondering what an Ali Baba
laundry basket was doing in the kitchen.

Then give me your colour chart.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll have Mandalay teak.

No, I won't, I'll have oak.

Yes, oak, with infill panels.

Good British oak, the monarch of the timbers.

May I recommend the German, ma'am?

Certainly not. I buy British.

Most people seem to prefer...
I'm not most people.

How do you persuade people to buy
a Brotschrank? I don't even know what it is.

Oh, that's a bread cupboard, ma'am.

We're in Europe now, aren't we?
You may be, but I intend to stay here.

Where would you like your bar counter?
We're planning a kitchen, not a pub.

I want a large work top over there

with a washing machine, a tumble drier,
a dishwasher and a fridge underneath.

With the cooker over there?
No, over here.

You can't be dashing back and forth
like a ping pong ball,

not a 70-year-old, anyway.

There's a man here
to measure the bedroom, madam.

Oh, good, good, bedrooms.

Bedrooms, yes, that's it.

Er, what do you think of Eau de Nil, Ned?

Oh, nice and quiet, madam.
Yes, we don't want anything flashy.

1 do like the couple in the picture.
They're dressing for dinner.

Come along, bedroom. Follow me.

Madam, the double-glazing man wants you.

He says we're not standard size.

What's more, we're gothic.
Just you leave him to me.

Now look, if your standard sizes
won't fit my gothic arches,

you'll have to get some gothic glass.

They managed perfectly well in the Middle
Ages.

And they frequently fitted
rather beautiful stained glass.

(Phone rings)

The Lodge.
Grantleigh Manor Lodge.

Oh, it's Miss Frobisher, madam.
Oh.

Hello, Marjory. Are you back already?

Just leaving.
Thought I'd ring in case you were lonely.

It's a bit late.
You've been gone a week.

Awfully sorry, Aud. I've been so wrapped up.

Wrapped up in what?

Well, Anthony and Cleopatra, of course.
Oh, yes. How were they?

Sensational.
Oh, congratulations.

You can tell me all about it when you get back.
I'm rather busy just now.

Have you got people in?
I suppose one could say that.

Yes, I'm having a little production of my own.

I'm afraid I must go.
Someone wants me urgently.

Oh, all right. Bye.

Yes?
I's about the cork tiling for your kitchen floor.

We're going to need 10 square metres.
That will cost you...

What's wrong with square yards?

Oh, Lord, ma'am.
Square yards went out years ago.

It's all square metres now.

Not in this house. They won't fit.
This house was built in feet and inches.

I was so sorry to hear of your sad loss.

Pardon?

Oh, of course, my vase. Thank you.

What a beautiful room this is.

Yes, isn't it? It's called the Tea Room.

I've never been in here.
Not even in the fforbes-Hamiltons' time?

No, I don't think they had very much china.

No, kept dropping it, apparently.

You seem fo have a very fine collection.

Of course, I'm no expert.

Nor am I, really.
I just enjoy looking at it when I have the time.

Would you know what that was?

A saucer?

Yes, but is it Dresden or a Staffordshire copy?

I've no idea.

Why don't you ask Mrs fforbes-Hamilton?

I believe she's very knowledgeable
about old china,

as, indeed, she is about most things.

I wonder if she'd help me
catalogue my collection.

I'm sure she'd be delighted.

Mind you, she is rather busy at the moment.

Oh? Doing what?

She's having the Lodge done up,
by the look of it.

Oh, is she?
Oh, yes.

All manner of vans parked outside
when I passed just now.

Kitchens, bathrooms, double glazing,
that sort of thing.

She must have come into some money.

Oh, I do hope so.

Sorry.

Well, what is it this time?

Blind ponies.

Very laudable.

Oh, thank you. Most generous.

So, Audrey's having the Lodge done up.
That'll set her back a bit.

Yes, I imagine it will.

And yet only last week she was telling me
she was as poor as a church mouse.

She says that to everyone.

I remarked that she was undoubtedly
laying up treasure for herself in heaven

and she said she'd rather have it now.

As we're neighbours,
I think I'll see if she'd like some help.

In that case, I'll say goodbye.

Oh, don't dash. Have some tea.

Oh, well.

Oh, sorry, there's only one cup.

Yes. Well, all right. I'll leave you.

Mrs Beecham will see you out.

(Phone rings)

Audrey? Richard.

Hello, Richard. What a lovely surprise.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

Of course not. There's nobody here at all.

The rector said you had people in
and were frantically busy.

Well, I don't know where he got that idea from.
I haven't spoken to a soul for at least three days.

Except Bertie and Ned, of course,
but you can hardly count them.

What can I do for you?

I've got to have my china collection catalogued
so I can have it properly valued.

I need your expertise.

Oh, that's very flattering of you, Richard.
I shall enjoy that enormously.

Oh, thank you. When could you start?
As soon as you like.

Are you sure you can get away?
I promise you, I'm as free as a bird.

I come straight over.

Meet me in the Tea Room.

Audrey?

No.

Couldn't be.
But where's she getting the money from?

Right, everybody.
Thank you very much. That will be all.

But you haven't made a decision yet, ma'am.

On the contrary,
I've decided that all your prices are far too high.

I'm going to get a little man
down from Harrods to do the lot.

But thank you very much all the same.

Now, I've got to go out
but Ned here will make you a cup of tea.

I do hope you'll be able to stay.

He likes to have someone to chat to.
He gets lonely.

Bye-bye, Ned.

You've almost finished this cabinet.

It really has been most enjoyable.

I couldn't have done it without you.
I'm grateful.

I'm just too delighted
to find all these things here.

When you moved in, I thought
you were going to fill the place with gonks,

Spanish dolls and ballerina cigarette lighters.

They're coming back, you know.

If I were you, I'd start collecting ballerina lighters.

No, thank you.
I think I'l stick to Rockingham, Coalport and...

Oh.

That's Limoges.

You know them all.
You should turn professional.

I couldn't possibly afford to start.

One lucky find, that's all it takes,
and then you're in business. Think of the money.

There are a few of us left
who don't do things just for the money.

If you had the money, think what you could do.

You could have
all sorts of things done up at the Lodge.

You could have new kitchen units,
double glazing, a new bathroom.

I'm quite content with the Lodge as it is.

It may be on the small side

but at least I can afford the heating bills,
which we never could in this place.

There are other things
that you could do with the money.

Of course there are.
That's why I just sold my last piece.

Oh, have you?
Yes.

And it hardly brought in enough
to pay for the gardener.

Richard, isn't there something missing?
I wondered when you'd notice.

The Egyptian vase.
Right in one.

Where is it?
Don't you know?

No.
It's been stolen.

How dreadful!
Who on earth would want to steal it?

I hoped that you might have some idea.
Why me?

Because...you used to live here.

Well, I don't see how that helps.

Whoever stole it knew,
firstly, what to look for,

secondly, where fo find it,
thirdly, what it was worth

and fourthly, how to get to it.

And fifthly?

Fifthly, where fo dispose of it.

If you follow that line of reasoning,

well, I could have done it.

The police say all I have to do is wait

until somebody starts to spend more money
than seems reasonable.

There you are, then.
I haven't been spending money.

I would if I had the money to spend.
Yes, you would.

You'd probably get a new bathroom,
double glazing, curtains, carpets,

roof insulation and 101 other things
you say you're not having done at the Lodge.

I see. You've been spying on me.

If you want to know
what I've been doing at the Lodge,

there's a perfectly rational explanation.

Well, perhaps not that rational,
not to a man, anyway.

Try me.

Well, the truth is,

while Marjory's been away, I've been a bit...

well, lonely.

I don't believe it.

That's what Marjory said.

But when the phone doesn't ring
and nobody calls, not even the postman,

one does tend to feel a bit left out of things.

So I started inviting people into the house.

The fact that they're tradesmen
is neither here nor there.

What do you do, play charades?

I suppose you could call it a sort of charade.

I got them in to give me free estimates.

I never had any intention of accepting them.

It was just a bit of fun.

If you breathe a word to a soul,
I shall never speak to you again.

I see. What was the piece that you sold?

Well, it was a rather ugly Buddha.

Richard, you didn't...

You did, didn't you?

You thought it was your Egyptian vase.

No, it never crossed my mind.

And that's why you got me over here,
fo accuse me.

I haven't accused you of anything.
Well, you've dropped some very broad hints.

It's... It's unforgiveable.

To think that I would stoop to that, it's a libel.

Slander.
So you admit it?

Well, I admit I was a bit puzzled
at your sudden apparent wealth.

Ah, there she is.

Hello, Aud.
Hello, Marjory. Nice to see you back.

Where did you find that?
Oh, we lent it to Marjory.

What the devil's Marjory doing with my vase?

Well, she asked me if we had any old jugs
she could use in a play.

Old jugs?
You've no idea how perfect it was.

Cleopatra put her asps in it.

It was simply super when she died.
Can you imagine the effect?

Everybody was dead and the only movement
on the stage was the vase rolling round.

Oh, my God. This is a priceless antique.

Oh, I don't think it can be priceless. It's chipped.

Oh, Mother!

Marjory, do you realise what you've done?

Richard went off his head with worry.

Why?
He thought somebody had stolen the vase.

Oh, Richard, I'm awfully sorry.

But we did ask you, didn't we, Mrs Poo?
Well, of course.

"Take what you like," he said.
"Liberty Hall," he said.

"Don't bother me
with silly things like that," he said.

Is that true?
Yes.

But I thought
they wanted something from the kitchens.

If I'd known what it was, I'd never have let
Cleopatra hurl it at the third eunuch.

Oh, my God!

Oh, it's all right. He always caught it.

Bedrich, you are behaving
like a child who's lost his toy.

Oh, sorry. I'm glad I've been of some help.
I mean, it's been no trouble.

Audrey, the police, insurance.
MARJORY: What's Audrey got to do with it?

I've been helping Richard
catalogue his china collection.

Oh, good, then you haven't been lonely.

Certainly not.

Oh, you need never be lonely.

If ever you are, you do what I used to do.

What was that?

Well, when Bedrich was away on business,

I used to get all the tradesmen round
to measure the place for free estimates.

I never had any intention
of getting anything done

but I had the company.

You never told me.

Of course not.
You would think I had gone quite gaga.

Yes, I would. Wouldn't you, Marjory?

Oh, yes, quite gaga.

Now, you'd never do anything like that?