To the Manor Born (1979–2007): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Spare Room - full transcript

Electricity...

Telephone.

(Water runs)

Oh, glory!

Good morning.

That's your opinion.
What's the matter?

It's Brabinger.
What's happened?

Not content with spraining his ankle
at Christmas, he's now gone and caught a cold.

Oh, poor you.
What am I going to do?

Well, I thought we were going shopping.

What are you looking for?
Brabinger's indigestion tablets.



He's gota cold.
They're not for him, Marjory. They're for me.

Are you suffering from your own cooking?

Not my cooking, no.
I dined at the Rector's last night.

Oh, what did you have?

Well, we started with a...

No, I don't want to talk about it.

I haven't had a meal of such
unrelieved awfulness since we left school.

I'd no idea the Church still went in
for burnt offerings.

(Door opens)

Are we driving?
No, we're walking.

These days it costs five pounds
to get the Rolls out of the garage.

Aren't you going to lock up?
No need. Ned?

Oh... Yes, Mrs Forbes?

We're going shopping.
Will you be here when I get back?



Oh, aye, lots of digging to do.
You got the blight real bad.

I know. It comes from Mr DeVere.

Just keep an eye on things, will you?
You can use the kitchen if you want a cup of tea.

Very good, Mrs Forbes.

Good morning, Mrs fforbes-Hamilton.
Morning, Rector.

Good morning.
I trust you're feeling well this morning.

As well as can be expected
in the circumstances, Rector.

Excuse me.

Morning, Miller.
Morning, sir.

I thought we might find you here.
This is Mr Spalding.

He's interested in the way we do things
at Grantleigh.

Morning, sir.
Morning, Mr...Miller, is it?

That's right, sir, yes.

He's our farm foreman.
Anything you want to know, just ask him.

Everyone been paid yet?
Everyone that's here, sir.

Who are those for?
Old Frank and Old Ned.

Well, I know Old Ned. I told Mrs fforbes-Hamilton
he could go and dig her garden over,

but I can't place Old Frank.

He only comes in Fridays.
What for?

To pick up his pay packet.

Casual labour, is he?
I suppose you might call it that, sir, yes.

Does he do any work?
Oh, yes. He rolls the oats.

Over here.

Morning, Frank.

Hello, Frank. How's the oats rolling going, then?

He won't hear you. He's in a world of his own
when he's concentrating.

Better be careful,
otherwise he'll be rolling in money.

Is that all he does?

Yes. He just comes in, rolls the oats,
and goes away again.

You mean we pay him just for that?

What do you need crushed oats for anyway?

Feed for Mrs fforbes-Hamilton's horses.

Oh, yes, of course.

Just a minute... She hasn't got any horses.

Nor she has.
Not for over a year.

I wonder what he's been doing with it, then.
He's supposed to put it in the stables.

It looks to me as though this man
shouldn't be on the payroll at all.

Don't tell him that, sir.
It'd break the old boy's heart.

We simply can't afford this kind of wastage.

Afraid we're stuck with him, sir.
What are those buildings over there?

Oh, those are Mrs fforbes-Hamilton's
old stables. When she had horses, like.

More waste.

Oh, hello, Mrs Beecham.

Why, Ned, what are you doing here?

Doing a bit of gardening for Mrs Forbes.

Is she here?
No. Gone shopping.

Tell her I dropped this in for her, will you?
What is it?

It's a cookbook. She asked me for
some easy recipes now she's on her own.

Right, I'll tell her.

What's cooking up at the Manor today?
Something good, I'll be bound.

Steak and kidney pudding
with Brussels sprouts. And then I've got...

Oh, don't tell me.
I shan't get anything like that down here.

Mrs Forbes can hardly boil an egg.

Better look in at the Manor on your way home.
I might be able to find you a bit of apple pie.

Oh, I'l do that, Mrs Beecham.

Nobody can cook apple pie round here
like you can.

Do you fancy a cup of tea?

I haven't got time to stand around drinking tea.

And don't forget that recipe book.

Ho ho that'll suit her all right.

Well, we've got about 1,000 acres all together.

How soon can we get enough produce
to put into the shops?

Not a hope this year.
I've got a list of things that need doing.

It's going fo cost you a fortune
just to make this estate pay its way.

It can't be as bad as that, surely?

If you don't mind my saying so, Mr DeVere,
you've bought a period piece.

They might still be in the Middle Ages.

Just look at that, for example.

You can't still be using those old Fordsons.

Good Lord, no!

This road marks Grantleigh's boundary.

That's our neighbour's old ironmongery.

Our land's on this side.

Yes, all right. I take your point.

I'l give you a free hand
to do what you think's necessary.

Here we are.

Can you manage, Marjory?
Yes.

You'd think in this day and age
they could make a supermarket trolley

so that all the wheels
go in the same direction.

How did this recipe book get here?

Oh, probably from Mrs Beecham. I asked her
if she knew of a cookbook that would suit me.

Suppers For Simpletons.

(Phone rings)

Yes? What do you want?

Mrs Forbes? Well, she's out, isn't she?

No, I'm not. Ned, if you have to answer my
telephone, you mustn't say "What do you want?"

You must say, "This is Mrs fforbes-Hamilton's
residence', or "Grantleigh Manor Lodge".

Sorry, Mrs Forbes.

And then you must say, I am sorry.
She is out. May I take a message?"

Yes, Mrs Forbes.

Hello. Mrs fforbes-Hamilton here.

It's for you.

Yeah, I know. They'll want me to go up
to the Manor to collect my wages.

Tell them I'll be right over.

He'll be right over.

Better go, Ned. Take this with you.

Please don't wear your Wellingtons
into the house again.

Very good, ma'am.

It's not funny, Marjory. I's bad enough
trying to cope without Brabinger.

Ned may be very useful in the garden, but it
doesn't help if he brings half of it info the house.

Just look at this mess.
(Phone rings)

Mrs fforbes-Hamilton's residence.
Grantleigh Manor Lodge.

It's for Ned again!

Ned! Telephone. It's for you again.

Don't forget to take your boots off.

Coffee is there.
Thank you, Mrs Beecham.

So, if we're to specialise, are we to be
a dairy farm, do potatoes, onions, cereals?

What should we run Grantleigh as?
Ataxloss.

I can't see the estate supplying Cavendish
with anything.

It needs total reorganisation.
You can have a free hand.

You'll back me?
Of course. You're to be the farm manager.

They all come running to you. I don't want you
dropping me in it just because you live here.

I didn't drop you in it when you had to do
that hatchet job on the onion people in Wiltshire.

You don't live in Wiltshire. Anyway, what this
estate needs is a massive injection of capital.

I'm aware of that, and first I'm going to spend
money on renovating all the tied cottages.

That's not where it's needed.
I think it is.

If we're to stop the drift to the town we have to
give them equivalent accommodation.

That means bathrooms, inside lavatories, and
proper insulation. Maybe even double glazing.

How many extra tons of potatoes
will that bring in?

We don't know yet, do we?

I'm going to start with Meadow End Mill.
That needs everything doing to it.

Oh, sorry, Mr DeVere.
They sent for me to get my wages.

That's all right, Ned. In that tray, I think.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Can I introduce Mr Spalding?
He's going to be our new farm manager.

Oh, aye?
This is Ned. Old Ned.

And what do they call you?

Spalding.

No, your first name.

Mister.

Pardon me.

Don't go, Ned.
You must have a lot to do, Mr Spalding.

Uh, right... Then I'll get on with it.

Sit down, Ned.

We've just been talking about your cottage.
Oh, aye?

I'm going to renovate it.
Put in a bathroom, that sort of thing.

Yeah, I know.
How could you know?

They told me in 1956.

I'm going to put the builders in next week.
Oh, thank you, sir.

How are you getting on up at the Lodge?
I'm getting on all right.

Don't know about Mrs Forbes, though.
She's in a bit of a state if you ask me.

Oh? Why?
Mr Brabinger being away.

She's used to having a man about the house.

You'll need somewhere to stay
while they're knocking your cottage about.

Yes, I suppose I shall.

Well, I'd best be getting back to the Lodge.

Hang on. I'll stroll over with you.

Oh, very good, sir.

Did I tell you
I'm going to renovate all the tied cottages?

No, you didn't. I'm delighted to hear it.

Starting with Ned's.
We were about to do that.

Yes, I've just been told in 1956.

How's he getting on, by the way?
In the garden? All right, I suppose.

Seems to enjoy working for you.

Well, of course.
He's worked for my family all his life.

Of course. Like Brabinger.
Yes.

She misses Brabinger terribly.
I'm sure you do.

What about Ned taking his place?

What?

Until Brabinger gets back. I've got to find him
somewhere to live during the renovations.

Ned couldn't possibly take Brabinger's place.

Well, just a temporary measure to help me out.

Look, I'll be paying Ned's wages still,
and you could take advantage of it.

That's a jolly good idea.

To have Ned living in?
He could do all the heavy work.

True. He could chop the logs,
and keep the fires going.

That's settled then?

It would seem so, yes.

He's in the hall. I'll tell him on my way out.

Oh, I think I'd prefer to do that.

I don't want him
to be under any misapprehension.

Right, I'll send him in.

Marjory, perhaps you wouldn't mind
showing Richard out.

Oh, no, not at all.

Goodbye, Richard.
Oh, uh, bye.

Ah, Ned...

Shut the door behind you, would you?
If you say so, Mrs Forbes.

Ned?

Yes?
I want you this side of it.

Oh... Righty-ho.

No, not righty-ho.

You should say, "Very good, madam."
Oh, yes, Mrs Forbes.

Madam.
Madam.

Now, I understand Mr DeVere is implementing

my late husband's plans
fo renovate your cottage.

So he told me, ma'am.

Well, while the work is being carried out,
I have agreed to offer you Brabinger's room.

Oh, very kind, I'm sure.

Now, in return for this
you will take over Brabinger's duties.

Oh, I've always fancied myself as a butler.

I'm not sure I share your fantasy.

However, let's get a few things straight.
While you are here you will wear indoor clothes.

In other words, your Sunday suit.

You will not wear Wellington boots
in the house.

Nor will you smoke anywhere
but in your bedroom.

Oh, don't you fret yourself, Mrs Forbes.
I'll soon pick it up.

I put the kettle on.
We needed some fresh coffee.

(Bell rings)

Oh, I'l go.
No, let Ned. It'll be good practice.

Righty-ho, Mrs Forbes.
Very good, madam.

Oh, yes. Very good, madam.

I have a feeling this could prove
a dreadful mistake.

Oh, I think you're jolly lucky to have someone to
help out. I wouldn't mind taking him on myself.

I may hold you to that.

(Knocking at door)
Come in.

(Knocking)
Come in!

How was that, Mrs Forbes?
Deafening.

Didn't you hear me say come in?

No, ma'am. I was knocking.

Ned, now that you're my butler, you don't
have to knock to come into the drawing room.

Who was at the door?
Me!

No, Ned. The fron door.

Oh, the Rector.

Well, show him in.
Very good, ma'am.

See what I mean?
I'l make some fresh coffee.

Hello, Rector.
Ah, Miss Frobisher.

-In'ere.
No, Ned...

You should say,
"Would you step this way, please, sir?"

Would you step this way, please, sir?
Hello, Rector. Do sit down.

Ned, perhaps you'd like to pop home now,
and get your things?

All of them?
Just what you need for a couple of weeks.

Very good, ma'am.

I don't know how my ferrets
are gonna like being here.

Brabinger's away for another couple of weeks,
so Ned has agreed to step into the breach.

What can I do for you?

Well, it was something
I forgot to mention last night.

Have you completed the flower arrangement
roster for the month after next?

It's never too soon to think about these things.

Let me have it, Miss Frobisher.

I should be doing that.
Next time.

Let him have it.
We may as well start as we mean fo go on.

Oh...

Well, there's one of the cottages
that we're renovating. Starting next week.

What about the expense?
A lot of things need doing.

You can't get good work out of people unless
you house them properly. It'll pay for itself.

Who lives here?
Old Ned.

Been on the estate all his life.
Getting on a bit now, of course.

You're laying out money on a man
who hasn't long to go?

I'm thinking of the future of the estate,
not just the man.

I wouldn't mind living here after it's been done.
It's a tied cottage. Goes with the job.

But I suppose you could have it
once it was vacant.

What does this chap... Ned, is it?
What is his job?

Difficult to say, really.
I thought so.

It doesn't do to keep these old-timers on.
They never pull their weight.

You'd better have a word with Miller.

Find out exactly what his duties are.

Ohl

According to this, the butler's duties include

brushing and ironing the billiard table.

Andin return...

I have to provide him
with a new livery every year.

Well, it's just as well I haven't got a billiard table.

Oh, listen to this, Marjory.

"It is advised that butler's pantries
have a view of

the front of the house
from their basement windows

so that visitors can be seen in advance,
and the front door opened magically

as their carriages draw up at the front steps."

You haven't got a basement window.
I've got a cat flap.

Mrs Forbes, Mrs Forbes!

Ned, what do you mean by
rushing in here half-naked?

We've been bamboozled!
Who has?

It's all a plot!
What plot?

Me working here!
Put your jacket on, and start at the beginning.

It's all a trick to get me out of my cottage.

They want to throw me out,
and let the new man go in.

What new man?

The new farm manager.
What new farm manager?

Mr DeVere's new farm manager.

I seen it with my own eyes! I heard them
talking about how I hadn't got long to go.

Oh, Ned, you're imagining things.
It's true, madam.

The minute I'm living here, you'll see, they'll be
throwing me out so the new man can move in.

Don't be silly. Mr DeVere wouldn't throw you
out of your cottage.

If he does he will have to answer to me.

(Bell rings)
Now, don't worry.

Tidy yourself up, and go and answer the door.

Have you heard anything
about a new farm manager?

Not a word.
It could be true.

Ned moves in here so DeVere
has vacant possession of Meadow End Mill.

But I'm left with a useless manservant
who's also a sitting tenant.

And by the law you'll never get him out.
Exactly.

Oh, Richard wouldn't play a dirty trick like that.

One would like to think not.

-In'ere.
No, Ned.

Oh. Are you out, ma'am?

No, Ned.

Try and remember what I fold you.

Oh, yes... Step this way, please, sir.

Hello, Audrey.
Back so soon?

Move along there.

Not inconvenient, I hope?
Oh, no.

I just dropped by fo introduce Mr Spalding.

Mrs fforbes-Hamilton.
How do you do?

How do you do?
And Miss Frobisher.

How do you do?
Do sit down, Mr Spalding.

May I offer you a drink?
Yes. Whisky, please.

And Mr Spalding?
Gin and tonic, please.

And [I'll have a small sherry, and so will Miss
Frobisher. Can you remember all that, Ned?

Oh, yes, ma'am. Never had no trouble
remembering a round of drinks.

What brings you to this part of the country,
Mr Spalding?

I'm the new farm manager.
Oh, how interesting.

Yes, Mr Spalding is our chief farming executive.

I've asked him down here
fo rationalise the whole estate.

Rationalise?

So, you're a farming expert from London.

Yes. I'll soon knock this estate into shape.

Is there anything wrong with
the shape in which it's in?

You're not serious?
I am. Deadly.

She is. Deadly.

This place is still in the Stone Age.
I've never seen such a mess in all my life.

It's obviously been mismanaged
for generations.

I think you ought to know Mrs fforbes-Hamilton
used fo run this estate herself.

I'm sorry. How long were you running it,
Mrs fforbes-Hamilton?

400 years.

What are you hoping this young man will do
for the estate?

Make it profitable. He's Agricultural Advisor
to the whole of Cavendish Foods.

Oh, so I suppose he knows an awful lot
about polythene bags,

and coloured wrappers.

About real farms, and one of these days
even Grantleigh could be a real farm.

Where do you propose to live while you're here?

I'l have to live on the estate, of course. I hope
one of the cottages will be vacant before long.

Really?
The staff certainly needs trimming.

The estate is thoroughly over-manned.

Drinks, everybody.
Thank you, Ned.

Sherry.

Whisky, sir.

Thank you, Ned.

Thank you, Ned.
Another sherry.

(Flatly) Gin.

Well, mud in your eye.

Found it. It was in Brabinger's wardrobe.

That won't fit Ned, will it?
Near enough for our purpose.

Do you think this is a good idea?

DeVere has to be taught a lesson.

He must learn he can't move down here and
throw my old family retainers out of their homes.

Oh, Ned's hardly a family retainer.

He is now. DeVere has seen to that.
He was only trying to do you a favour.

Nonsense. He did it deliberately in order to
find a house for that Spalding person.

Well, I intend to make sure Mr DeVere knows
exactly how useless Ned is as a butler.

I shall put him in these tails,
and invite DeVere to dinner.

And let Ned drop trays all over him?
Better than that, I'll get Ned to cook the dinner.

That'd be a disaster!

Totally uneatable, with any luck.

Now, who else do I owe? Oh, yes, the Rector.

Oh, you are naughty!

And you'll come of course, won't you?
Yes, please.

I'd like to invite Spalding,
but one has to draw the line somewhere.

Well, come along, everybody.
Sorry we're an odd number.

Marjory couldn't get a man.

Let's see... What have we got?

Three ladies, and one man.

Two men. What about me?

You're cloth. That doesn't count.

Richard, you better go over there. Rector there.

Mrs Poo there. And Marjory, the...

No.
No, that means we've got two ladies together.

Mrs Poo, perhaps you'd like to go over there?

Certainly, my dear.
And Rector over here.

Oh, no! No, we can't have that.
That means Richard's sitting next to his mother.

Marjory, you go next to Richard.

No, I'm not sure you can be trusted. Um...

Richard, you come over here,

and, Rector, you go there.

Marjory, I'm just going fo have to trust you.

There we are.

(Clears throat)

I think it's so important to have everyone
in the right place.

When James Callaghan
was in Downing Street,

he put the President of France
opposite a portrait of the Duke of Wellington.

No wonder they don't want our lamb.

Now, do start.

(Clears throat)
Did you do all the cooking?

No, Ned did. He's a treasure.

Ned?
Apparently he's an excellent cook.

Who told you that?
He did.

Beware of boastful cooks.

We have a saying in old Czechoslovakia.

The tongue that talks most tastes least.

Well, I am confident
the meal will be truly memorable.

I'm sure it will.
(Clears throat)

We haven't said Grace.

Lord, so we haven't!

Grace, everybody.

Marjory, put that back.

The Rector will say Grace, but not in Latin.

For what we are about to receive,
may the Lord make us truly thankful.

(Snorting)

Marjory?

Sorry. Got a bone in my throat.

Do watch out for bones, everybody.
You can't be too careful with avocados.

We'll have some wine, shall we?

You rang, madam?

Oh, yes. The wine, please, Ned.

Would your guests like
the Pouilly-Fuissé 1969?

Or the Feux St Jeanne 1970?

Or we have a Chateau Lafite,
but only one bottle.

Lafite sounds wonderful.
Oh, an excellent choice, sir.

Slips down the gullet
like the devil in velvet trousers.

So they say.
Mother...

Thank you, Ned.
I didn't realise you had knowledge of wine.

I picked up a certain amount
when my father was butler.

I never knew your father was a butler, Ned.

Yes, before Brabinger. Thank you, Ned.

Well, well, who'd have thought it.
You'll have to get him an outfit that fits.

This is really very nice.
Delicious.

You can hardly go wrong with an avocado.
You only have to halve it.

You can go very wrong with an avocado.

I've had an avocado that was like a lead bullet.
Quite recently too.

Well, there's nothing wrong with these.
Beautifully halved too.

Thank you, Richard. Actually, Mrs Poo,
I must confess I did cook the first course.

But Ned is totally responsible
for the rest of the meal.

(Low conversation)

Oh, thank you, Ned.

I'll serve the main course.

I can't tell you what joy it is to have Ned here,
Richard.

Pity you can't leave him permanently.
I don't think I could.

Just think how convenient it would be.

While he's out of his tied cottage
you could slip the new farm manager in,

and kill two birds with one stone.

I don't go around
putting people out of their houses.

You put me out of mine. Why not Ned?

I didn't exactly put you out.

Well, first the Manor,
then Brabinger's accident.

They say disasters come in threes.

In that case there's one more to come.
If it hasn't arrived already.

Well, I don't know about Ned's father,
but his mother must have been Mrs Beeton.

My dear, it's been a delightful evening.

Yes, a great success.

And the dinner was wonderful.

Contrary to expectations.
It was very nice indeed.

Well, I shall convey your compliments
fo the chef.

Good night, Mrs Poo.
Good night.

Good night.

Thank you.
It's a long time since I had such a good meal.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I didn't expect to.

It occurred to me that you might be
using us as guinea pigs for Ned's cooking.

What an extraordinary idea.

Good night, Audrey.
Good night, Richard.

Well, I'l go and clear up.

I'l go and see Ned.

I've come to congratulate you, Ned.

Oh, thank you, ma'am.

We had to show him that old Ned
can still turn his hand to anything.

Yes, indeed.

And on the strength of tonight,
your job is quite safe.

Here?
No, up at the Manor.

Mr DeVere says you can go back
to your cottage as soon as it's ready,

and until then
I'm very happy to keep you on here.

Oh, thank you, ma'am.
It really was a brilliant meal, Ned.

Oh, well, i's surprising what you can do
when you're up against it.

Ned? Have you still got the big meat dish?

That one I brought the lamb over in
from the Manor.

Ah, there it is.

If you want me to cook you all another meal
sometime, I will.

Good evening, Mrs Forbes.

Ned...