Tigtone (2018–…): Season 0, Episode 0 - Tigtone - full transcript
Tigtone is tasked by the conjoined king and queen to rescue their old court wizard, who's been imprisoned and tortured by the villainous Lord Festus.
[ Medieval music plays ]
Man: [ Laughs ]
Ah? Yeah!
Yee!
Ha ha.
We declare this wizard
to be boring me.
Yes, Amo-Thedious was better.
[ Grumbles ]
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Council members screaming ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
Lord Festus!
I am the magical projection
of Lord Festus!
Lord Festus!
[ Gasps ]
[ Laughs ]
Who will save us
from this heathen's head?!
♪♪
Man #2: [ Thinking ]
Dear journal, you know me
as the heroic master
of questful combat,
friend to the very stakes
of the world.
I know me as Tigtone!
Tigtone,
you finish exterminating
those basement
slime captains yet?
I was just getting to that.
I was just getting to that!
Remember, Tigtone,
slime captains hate
magic marbles,
and you have some.
Yes!
[ Slime captains screaming,
squeaking ]
Now, give me another quest,
barteener,
or better yet, another quest!
Ha ha! Now that looks like
another quest!
Hup! Ho! Ho!
♪♪
[ Laughing evilly ]
Well, anyway... Aah!
Looky what I been doing.
Ow.
Queen: Amo-Thedious!
[ Grunts ]
Our beloved former wizard!
But we thought he quit
this kingdom years ago!
No, I just plain captured him
and been torturing him to death
this whole time.
But we had to hire
a lesser wizard to replace him.
Uh, what?!
This wizard's all tortured out,
so you can have
your magic man back
if you trade me for your
son, Prince Lavender,
to torture to death
instead. [ Gasps ]
Send the prince to the real me
or I will destroy
the Kingdom of Propecia.
You have three whole days
and no choice.
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
We must do as
the vulgar head commands.
But you have a new wizard now...
Me, Tanquebbit, the wizard.
[ Scoffs ]
A rebound wizard.
[ Laughter ]
I don't have time
to get tortured to death
because I'm going
to the Minotaur brothel later.
[ Laughs haughtily ]
He said we have no choice.
It will be a manful death,
my son.
[ Council members chanting
"Manful!" ]
Who here shall escort
Prince Lavender to his doom?
I.
Whoo!
[ Grunts ]
Queen: Tigtone!
The legendary adventurer
with impeccable timing.
That's right!
Tigtone!
[ Council gasps ]
My quest lines are open.
Will you deliver the prince
to his torture
and return our beloved
better wizard?
- I already am.
- [ Gasps ]
That settles it...
Tigtone will do that.
Mathis,
clean up these dead trolls
while we sing Tigtone's praises!
[ Council members chanting
"Singing!" ]
[ Grumbling ]
[ Chanting continues ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Heroic music plays ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Horse whinnies ]
Oh, no!
Well, we can't go on
with a dead horse.
Guess I'll just be... [ Grunts ]
I will complete this quest,
alive or dead horse.
[ Grunting ]
I want my MommyDaddy!
[ Sobbing loudly ]
With Prince Lavender off
being tortured to death
by Lord Festus,
the castle seems so empty.
Maybe we should have
another baby.
You read our minds.
Mmm.
[ Door opens ]
Ooh!
[ Slurred ]
I'm a good wizard!
[ Zap! ]
You don't need
Amo-Thedious back.
Gods damn it!
Mathis, throw Tanquebbit
out of Propecia forever!
[ Cries ]
Why does he get to be in here?
I serve the KingQueen
day and night, awake, asleep.
Yes, yes, yes, Mathis.
Hurry that up and get back
in you night chair!
[ Mathis grunts ]
Aah!
Ba-shing!
[ KingQueen moaning ]
[ Sobs quietly ]
Banished?!
Me, Tanquebbit,
the wizard of Propecia?!
I could stop Tigtone.
Lord Festus
will destroy Propecia.
They'll never get their precious
Amo-Thedious back!
Then, poof, I'll appear
and rebuild Propecia with magic!
They'll have no choice
but to love me
as their greatest wizard ever!
Shi-shish-shish-sha!
Oh!
[ Laughing ]
Ooh, that will slow
this pesky Tigtone down a peg.
Or two!
[ Laughs ]
This most broken of bridges
stands between me
and Lord Festus, as well.
Well, I guess we better turn
all the way around then.
[ Grunts ]
I can repair the bridge
over Sporanox River,
but I lost my tools
in the eternal forest of Onmel.
Find them!
[ Quietly ]
No one has ever
come out of that
eternal forest alive!
Soon, I...
Aaaaah!
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
[ Gothic choir sings ]
Thank you, Tigtone.
I am the bridgesmither!
Hyah!
[ Grumbles ]
Hyah, shi-shish-shish-sha!
Hammer, no!
[ Water splashes ]
[ Groans ]
I suddenly hunger with weakness.
I've eaten all the horse meat
off this bone cage,
and I'm still starving!
Starvation has plagued
our land ever since
the forest burned down.
The only food left in this zone
lies deep within
the Temple of Mylotarg.
Then our stomachs' destinies
shall be fruitfulfilled!
Watch my captive
until my return!
No.
[ Laughs ]
What luck!
With Tigtone side-questing,
I can lure the prince away
the only way I know how.
Aah!
[ Giggles coquettishly ]
Hello!
What else can that tongue
of yours unlock, I wonder?
Tigtone: Great Mummy Lord
of Mylotarg, I come for food!
Then solve the possible
puzzle of statues,
and you shall have access to my
smokehouse of meats and cheeses.
Arrange the statues, Tigto...
[ All munching loudly ]
The prince!
[ Slurps ]
Price Lavender:
Yes, yes, yes!
Licks of the Minotaur!
All I've ever wanted!
Oh, yes!
Oh!
Now, without the prince,
Lord Festus will destroy
Propecia.
What was that, tongue?
Nothing!
Nothing.
[ Weakly ] Ow.
Ow.
Ohh, where is that prince?!
Ha!
Time's up.
Prepare my army!
Induce the birthing trolls!
[ Trolls screeching ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Oh! Never before
have I failed a quest!
My inventory... useless!
Ah, these magic marbles,
this boomerang,
this oracle potion.
Aah!
[ Glass shatters ]
Am I not Tigtone?!
Woman: Tigtone.
[ Chuckles ]
I must be Tigtone.
I'm Twiddlor'ah,
Oracle of Mount Actified.
The prince in which you seek
lies merely on the other side
of this mountain.
'Tis a nightmarish climb
patrolled by at least
five demons!
Ho!
[ Grunts ]
What are you doing?!
Every ancient mountain has
a shortcut through the sewer.
[ Grunts ]
[ Gasps ]
♪♪
Oh, ha ha!
Ba-ba-ba-ba-loo!
[ Grunts ]
[ Roaring ]
[ Laughs ]
Tigtone has failed his quest.
Now who will save us now?!
[ Sobs ]
I'm crying!
[ Growling ]
Remember, Tigtone, you have
the power to control animals,
but you may only use this power
once every five years,
and it has been five years,
Tigtone!
Yes!
Five years!
Aah!
How did you find me?!
You're not the first prince
I've dragged
out of a Minotaur brothel!
[ Grunts ]
[ Groans ]
Tanquebbit?!
[ Retches ] Oh. Oh!
[ Sobbing loudly ]
[ Laughs ]
Ah!
Prince Lavender, you made it.
I completed my quest!
Return Amo-Thedious,
and call off your attack
on Propecia!
No way.
You're late.
What if I give you
this rebound wizard?
I do have two whipping arms.
Aaaaah!
[ Heroic music plays ]
Our beloved Amo-Thedious!
We will never replace you
with a cut-rate rebound wizard
ever again!
[ Gasps ]
I said no portals!
Aaaaaaah!
This is everything
I hoped for and twice more!
[ Laughing ]
Tigtone, thanks to you,
we were able to see
our beloved Amo-Thedious
once more
before his untimely stabbing!
[ Council shouting "Stabbing!" ]
To that end,
we have another quest for you!
Is the world at stake?!
Indeed, 'tis.
Give Amo-Thedious
a proper burial.
How is that the fate
of the world?
He meant the world to us.
Well, if I am to give him
a proper burial,
then I'll give
him the most proper burial
of all time!
[ Grunts ]
Dear journal,
another quest has fallen
beneath my conquorship.
[ Munching ]
Yet, infinite quests
still remain
throughout this land
and the surrounding universe.
[ Grunts ]
I am conviction,
adventurepreneur, this face!
For I have one of these things
in common,
and my name is...
...Tigtone!
[ Dramatic music plays,
thunder rumbles ]
[ Eerie music plays ]
[ Screeches ]
Chirp.
Man: [ Laughs ]
Ah? Yeah!
Yee!
Ha ha.
We declare this wizard
to be boring me.
Yes, Amo-Thedious was better.
[ Grumbles ]
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Council members screaming ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
Lord Festus!
I am the magical projection
of Lord Festus!
Lord Festus!
[ Gasps ]
[ Laughs ]
Who will save us
from this heathen's head?!
♪♪
Man #2: [ Thinking ]
Dear journal, you know me
as the heroic master
of questful combat,
friend to the very stakes
of the world.
I know me as Tigtone!
Tigtone,
you finish exterminating
those basement
slime captains yet?
I was just getting to that.
I was just getting to that!
Remember, Tigtone,
slime captains hate
magic marbles,
and you have some.
Yes!
[ Slime captains screaming,
squeaking ]
Now, give me another quest,
barteener,
or better yet, another quest!
Ha ha! Now that looks like
another quest!
Hup! Ho! Ho!
♪♪
[ Laughing evilly ]
Well, anyway... Aah!
Looky what I been doing.
Ow.
Queen: Amo-Thedious!
[ Grunts ]
Our beloved former wizard!
But we thought he quit
this kingdom years ago!
No, I just plain captured him
and been torturing him to death
this whole time.
But we had to hire
a lesser wizard to replace him.
Uh, what?!
This wizard's all tortured out,
so you can have
your magic man back
if you trade me for your
son, Prince Lavender,
to torture to death
instead. [ Gasps ]
Send the prince to the real me
or I will destroy
the Kingdom of Propecia.
You have three whole days
and no choice.
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ Laughs evilly ]
We must do as
the vulgar head commands.
But you have a new wizard now...
Me, Tanquebbit, the wizard.
[ Scoffs ]
A rebound wizard.
[ Laughter ]
I don't have time
to get tortured to death
because I'm going
to the Minotaur brothel later.
[ Laughs haughtily ]
He said we have no choice.
It will be a manful death,
my son.
[ Council members chanting
"Manful!" ]
Who here shall escort
Prince Lavender to his doom?
I.
Whoo!
[ Grunts ]
Queen: Tigtone!
The legendary adventurer
with impeccable timing.
That's right!
Tigtone!
[ Council gasps ]
My quest lines are open.
Will you deliver the prince
to his torture
and return our beloved
better wizard?
- I already am.
- [ Gasps ]
That settles it...
Tigtone will do that.
Mathis,
clean up these dead trolls
while we sing Tigtone's praises!
[ Council members chanting
"Singing!" ]
[ Grumbling ]
[ Chanting continues ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Heroic music plays ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Horse whinnies ]
Oh, no!
Well, we can't go on
with a dead horse.
Guess I'll just be... [ Grunts ]
I will complete this quest,
alive or dead horse.
[ Grunting ]
I want my MommyDaddy!
[ Sobbing loudly ]
With Prince Lavender off
being tortured to death
by Lord Festus,
the castle seems so empty.
Maybe we should have
another baby.
You read our minds.
Mmm.
[ Door opens ]
Ooh!
[ Slurred ]
I'm a good wizard!
[ Zap! ]
You don't need
Amo-Thedious back.
Gods damn it!
Mathis, throw Tanquebbit
out of Propecia forever!
[ Cries ]
Why does he get to be in here?
I serve the KingQueen
day and night, awake, asleep.
Yes, yes, yes, Mathis.
Hurry that up and get back
in you night chair!
[ Mathis grunts ]
Aah!
Ba-shing!
[ KingQueen moaning ]
[ Sobs quietly ]
Banished?!
Me, Tanquebbit,
the wizard of Propecia?!
I could stop Tigtone.
Lord Festus
will destroy Propecia.
They'll never get their precious
Amo-Thedious back!
Then, poof, I'll appear
and rebuild Propecia with magic!
They'll have no choice
but to love me
as their greatest wizard ever!
Shi-shish-shish-sha!
Oh!
[ Laughing ]
Ooh, that will slow
this pesky Tigtone down a peg.
Or two!
[ Laughs ]
This most broken of bridges
stands between me
and Lord Festus, as well.
Well, I guess we better turn
all the way around then.
[ Grunts ]
I can repair the bridge
over Sporanox River,
but I lost my tools
in the eternal forest of Onmel.
Find them!
[ Quietly ]
No one has ever
come out of that
eternal forest alive!
Soon, I...
Aaaaah!
[ Grunts ]
♪♪
[ Gothic choir sings ]
Thank you, Tigtone.
I am the bridgesmither!
Hyah!
[ Grumbles ]
Hyah, shi-shish-shish-sha!
Hammer, no!
[ Water splashes ]
[ Groans ]
I suddenly hunger with weakness.
I've eaten all the horse meat
off this bone cage,
and I'm still starving!
Starvation has plagued
our land ever since
the forest burned down.
The only food left in this zone
lies deep within
the Temple of Mylotarg.
Then our stomachs' destinies
shall be fruitfulfilled!
Watch my captive
until my return!
No.
[ Laughs ]
What luck!
With Tigtone side-questing,
I can lure the prince away
the only way I know how.
Aah!
[ Giggles coquettishly ]
Hello!
What else can that tongue
of yours unlock, I wonder?
Tigtone: Great Mummy Lord
of Mylotarg, I come for food!
Then solve the possible
puzzle of statues,
and you shall have access to my
smokehouse of meats and cheeses.
Arrange the statues, Tigto...
[ All munching loudly ]
The prince!
[ Slurps ]
Price Lavender:
Yes, yes, yes!
Licks of the Minotaur!
All I've ever wanted!
Oh, yes!
Oh!
Now, without the prince,
Lord Festus will destroy
Propecia.
What was that, tongue?
Nothing!
Nothing.
[ Weakly ] Ow.
Ow.
Ohh, where is that prince?!
Ha!
Time's up.
Prepare my army!
Induce the birthing trolls!
[ Trolls screeching ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Oh! Never before
have I failed a quest!
My inventory... useless!
Ah, these magic marbles,
this boomerang,
this oracle potion.
Aah!
[ Glass shatters ]
Am I not Tigtone?!
Woman: Tigtone.
[ Chuckles ]
I must be Tigtone.
I'm Twiddlor'ah,
Oracle of Mount Actified.
The prince in which you seek
lies merely on the other side
of this mountain.
'Tis a nightmarish climb
patrolled by at least
five demons!
Ho!
[ Grunts ]
What are you doing?!
Every ancient mountain has
a shortcut through the sewer.
[ Grunts ]
[ Gasps ]
♪♪
Oh, ha ha!
Ba-ba-ba-ba-loo!
[ Grunts ]
[ Roaring ]
[ Laughs ]
Tigtone has failed his quest.
Now who will save us now?!
[ Sobs ]
I'm crying!
[ Growling ]
Remember, Tigtone, you have
the power to control animals,
but you may only use this power
once every five years,
and it has been five years,
Tigtone!
Yes!
Five years!
Aah!
How did you find me?!
You're not the first prince
I've dragged
out of a Minotaur brothel!
[ Grunts ]
[ Groans ]
Tanquebbit?!
[ Retches ] Oh. Oh!
[ Sobbing loudly ]
[ Laughs ]
Ah!
Prince Lavender, you made it.
I completed my quest!
Return Amo-Thedious,
and call off your attack
on Propecia!
No way.
You're late.
What if I give you
this rebound wizard?
I do have two whipping arms.
Aaaaah!
[ Heroic music plays ]
Our beloved Amo-Thedious!
We will never replace you
with a cut-rate rebound wizard
ever again!
[ Gasps ]
I said no portals!
Aaaaaaah!
This is everything
I hoped for and twice more!
[ Laughing ]
Tigtone, thanks to you,
we were able to see
our beloved Amo-Thedious
once more
before his untimely stabbing!
[ Council shouting "Stabbing!" ]
To that end,
we have another quest for you!
Is the world at stake?!
Indeed, 'tis.
Give Amo-Thedious
a proper burial.
How is that the fate
of the world?
He meant the world to us.
Well, if I am to give him
a proper burial,
then I'll give
him the most proper burial
of all time!
[ Grunts ]
Dear journal,
another quest has fallen
beneath my conquorship.
[ Munching ]
Yet, infinite quests
still remain
throughout this land
and the surrounding universe.
[ Grunts ]
I am conviction,
adventurepreneur, this face!
For I have one of these things
in common,
and my name is...
...Tigtone!
[ Dramatic music plays,
thunder rumbles ]
[ Eerie music plays ]
[ Screeches ]
Chirp.