Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 8, Episode 4 - Out on a Limb - full transcript

When a critic comes to Jack's restaurant and stays only for a moment. Jack feeling that the guy was going to pan the restaurant, on advice from Larry writes a mad letter expressing his disgust. After he mails it, the critic calls him telling him thanks for a good time. So Jack goes to the man's office to try and get the letter before he sees it.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Okay. Let me see
if I have this right.

One bottle of white wine,

and for the lady,
one coq au vin,

and for the finest
in French cuisine,

the gentleman gets
a boeuf en croûte.

With lots of ketchup.

Harry, I told you this
was a very chic restaurant.

Chic? I thought
you said "cheap."

Dan! I need one coq au
vin and one boeuf en croûte.

Good evening,
sir. Table for one?

Yes, please.

Thank you. Right this...

Wait a minute!

You're Patrick Townsend,

the famous restaurant critic.

I know.

Oh, my, my, my, my.

This is a tremendously
fine pleasure

to have you in my bistro.

Sir, right this way at this
table, if you don't mind.

Thank you. Here you go.

And here's a menu
for you to look at.

Take your time. No rush.


Dan! That is Patrick Townsend.


The food critic from
LA Lifestyle magazine.

He can make or break
this place with one word,

so let's make a good
impression, all right?


Did you feel that tremor?

The seismograph
must be going haywire.

You okay?

Hot stuff.

Thank you.

I'd let that cool.
It's very hot.

And if you want anything else,

I'll be at your beck and call.

Yeah, we'd like some... Not now.

Well, now, what
would you recommend?

Uh, well, that's very easy, sir.

I'd recommend Tripper's
luscious boeuf en croûte.

It's prepared... Bring it.

Yes, sir. Right away.

Dan, I need one boeuf en croûte.

I just gave you the last one.

We're all out. You mean...

Are you nuts! Do
you know who that...

No. Easy. Take care. Keep calm.

I can handle this.
No problem. I'm fine.

We're under construction.

Uh... ahem...

Sir, I just... I have a thought

that you might like
something a little better than...

No, no, no, forget it.
You sold me on the beef.

Yes, but I thought
you might be a little...


Arguing with a customer.

No. No, no, no, no.


I'm sorry.

Never arguing at Jack's Bistro.

The customer always
gets what he wants.

You haven't touched
the boeuf en croûte.

Uh, it's still too hot.

Oh, good. Hey!

Here you are, sir.
Fastest service in town.


Why'd you give him my croûte?

He likes it hot.

Where's our wine?
Shh! He's eating.

Thank you.

Mr. Townsend, you
barely touched your dinner.

Oh, I, uh, I've had enough.

Good night. But, sir, I...

Hey! Slick!

He hated it. I'm ruined.

Listen, pal.

I want my croûte. I want it now.


That guy already
ate off of this.

Are you kidding?
He barely touched it.

Two, three bites tops.

Okay, that does it.
Come on, Melissa.

What do we owe you?

Oh, forget it. The meal's on me.

You got that right, buster.



Bye, Janet.

Have a lovely time at
the flower convention.

Huh? Huh?

I won't be here in the morning.

Oh, right, I forgot. You're
working the night shift.

Yeah, I'll be fighting off
those weirdos all night.

Oh, the patients
getting violent?

I'm talking about the doctors.

Have fun. Okay.

And you look out
for the weirdos.

Too late.


What a strange girl.

Here are the keys
to the car, Janet.

Oh, Larry, thank you.
I really appreciate it.

It sure beats taking
a bus to San Diego.

Hey, hey, hey, no sacrifice is
too great for a close friend like you.

Thanks, Lar.

Let me see, that's
10 cents a mile, right?

What? Okay, okay.

Just change the oil, all right?


Hi, Jack.

Have a good day, pal?

Just great, Larry.
My life is over.

Oh, my. Jack, what happened?

Oh, Janet, this big-shot
food critic came into my bistro,

took two bites and walked out.

Must have had your chicken.

It's no joke, Larry.
He hated the food.

He's gonna give the
restaurant a terrible review,

and I'm gonna
be out of business.

But that's not fair.

He didn't even
give you a chance.

You know what I
really feel bad about?

I just stood there
and didn't say a word.

I was speechless.

Hey. Hey, wait a
second. I got an idea.


Why don't you
write him a letter?

A letter?

Yeah. Stick it
to him in writing.

Get it off your chest.
You'll feel better.

That's a good idea.

Janet, take a letter.

No, Jack, come on.

You'll just antagonize the man.

What have I got to lose?

He's already gonna
give me a bad review.

But, Jack... Janet, type.

Okay, fine, Jack.

But I want you to know

I am totally against this.

Yeah, okay. I am gonna
give him both barrels.

Don't hold back, buddy.

I'm not. Okay.

My dear Mr. Townsend...

Hold it. Hold it.

Why don't you just go out and buy
him some flowers and be done with it?

Well, how would you do it?

Allow me.


The master is at work.

Please observe.

You do it, Jack,
with a little finesse.


Dear sleaze bucket.

Sleaze bucket?

Would you type?

It is slime like you that
make this world stink.

Only vermin would take
advantage of their position

to rob innocent people
of their incomes. Period.

Here's hoping that
all the scummy things

you've done to
others... comma...

Will come back to
you 10 times over.

Your friend, Jack
Tripper. Today's date.

Thanks a lot, Larry.

I'll put it in the mail
tomorrow morning.

How did you come up
with all the stuff so fast?

Oh, it was easy.

I got the same letter down
at the used-car lot today.


I'll see. Just a minute, please.

Oh, Jack! Phone!

Aren't you up
yet? It's after 11:00.

It is? Did Janet leave already?

Hours ago, honey. Here, phone.

Oh, thanks. Hello.

Mr. Townsend?

Yes, yes, I'm just calling

to tell you how much I
enjoyed your food last night.

I really loved it.

You loved it?

But you only took
a couple of bites.

Well, for really good
food, that's all I need.

I would have gorged myself,

but I had three other
restaurants to cover.

Anyway, I think you're
going to be very happy

with the review.

That's wonderful!
Thank you, sir!

Uh, yes, yes, great!

Thanks again. Bye!

Woo! He loved it!

♪ Boom chocka-locka,
boom chocka-locka ♪

The letter!

Jack! What are you doing?

I left a letter
right here, Terri.

Oh, that one. I mailed it.

Y-You mailed it? Oh,
no. What's wrong?

Terri, listen very carefully.

I need to get that
letter back right now.

It's a matter of life and death.

For whom? For youm.


I just left it downstairs.

I don't think that the
postman's come yet, Jack.

You can live. Thank you.

Oh, boy, am I glad to see you!


Yes. You see, I mailed
a letter today by mistake.

Oh. I thought you
were glad to see me.


Well, I remember
what it used to be like

in the old days.

It was always, "Hi,
Sam. Nice weather, Sam.

How are you today, Sam?"

Now it's always, "Hey,
you, I need, I want."

I know. You're right.

We do take our postmen
for granted, don't we?

But I must say you
do a wonderful job.

Well, thank you.

What's your name again?

Sam. Sam! Hi, I'm Jack.

Hi, Jack.

Sam, how are you?

Sam, can I ask you something?

Oh, anything, Jack.

Well, you see, I mailed
that letter by mistake.

Oh, this one? Yeah.

Say, you've got
nice handwriting.

Oh, thank you.
Can I have it back?

No. What?

Well, this is government
property now.

What? Sam... Wait a minute, Sam.

You can't just
walk away like that.

I thought we were friends.

Oh, that's right. Thank you.

So long, Jack.
Nice talking to you.

I hope a dog bites him.

It's all over, Terri.

When Townsend gets
that letter, I'm ruined.

Oh, Jack, how could you
do such a stupid thing?

I listened to Larry.

That's two stupid things.

Jack, you want to see me?

Yes. Come here.

Larry, Townsend called.

He's gonna give
me a good review.

Hey-hey! What did I tell you?

A nasty letter will do
the trick every time.

No, he didn't
get the letter yet.

He loved my food.

He... What?

But when he does
get it, I'm dead.


How do you get
yourself into these things?


All right, all right.
Don't panic, all right?

You just go down
to Townsend's office

tomorrow morning
when the mail comes,

and get the letter
before he reads it.

You mean break
into his office? Yes.

That's against the law, Larry.

Only if you're caught, Jack.

Forget it.

Okay, okay, forget it.
When they close you down,

you can always
look for another job.

I hear they're
looking for a cook

down at the Burger Nook.

They give you a paper
hat and everything.

Okay, okay, what
have I got to lose?

All right. Tomorrow morning,

we'll go down to
Townsend's office

and we'll get the letter.


That's against the law, pal.

Larry! Larry!

Ah, that Larry! Some friend!

Don't worry, Terri.
We don't need him.


What do you mean "we"?

Terri, I need you
to distract people

while I get the letter.

I can't do that.

Sure you can. Just be
your gorgeous, sexy self.

I can do that.

Thank you.

LA Lifestyle magazine.
Mr. Townsend's office.


Well, I'll have to
check the master file

and call you back later.

Would you get in here, Terri?

Well, I can't help
it, Jack. I'm scared.

Why? There's nobody here yet.

Look at that. The mail is
right on the desk, okay?

It's gonna be a piece of cake.

There is nothing to be
nervous about, all right?

All right.

May I help you? Aah!

He's just a little
bit high strung.

Well, I would never
have guessed.


Uh, Miss, uh, Fitsimmons, right?

We're here to see Mr. Townsend.

Mr. Townsend won't
be in for a while,

but you can wait if you want to.

She took the mail.

What are we gonna do now?

Come here, Terri.

I got an idea. What
floor are we on?

Third floor, why?

Look, you just keep old
snoopy there distracted.

If you think I'm gonna waste
my gorgeous, sexy self on...

Do whatever it takes.

Jack, I... I'm
counting on you, Ter.

You look like you've
been a secretary

for a long, long time.

I beg your pardon.

I didn't mean that long.

I mean, you type youthfully,

and I... I just
meant that, er...

Are you having a nice day?

I was.

I know exactly what you mean.

You know sometimes,

when I'm working
down at the hospital...

Oh, my God!



Oh. Your brooch.

Well, what about it?

It's gorgeous.

This piece of junk?

Well, in a certain light,
it is rather attractive.

If you like junk.

Excuse me.




Good morning, Mr. Townsend.

Mr. Townsend.

Oh, I'm so glad

you're finally here,
Mr. Townsend!

Who are you?

Oh, I'm one of
your biggest fans.

Really? Well, that's
very nice for you.

Look, I really have
a very busy day.

Could you just excuse
me for one moment?

Oh! Do you really have
to go into your office

right now?

I'm afraid so!

Miss, uh, Fitsimmons,
where's today's mail?

Where it always
is, on your desk.

No, it isn't.

Then what is that?


Oh, right. Well, next time,

be sure to put it
where I can see it.

Yes. I'm going out to lunch.

Right. Well, come back soon,

because we have a
very long day ahead of us.

Are you still here?

Oh, yes, I was just
gonna wait for my friend.

Good luck.

Thank you. I'll need it.


Janet! What are you doing here?

Larry told me what
you two were up to.

Where's Jack?

Well, I'm not really sure,

but I think that he's in
Mr. Townsend's office,

only Townsend doesn't know it.

Oh, no. Oh, Terri. Ooh.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to stop Jack

from making a fool of himself.

Come in.

Yes, may I help you?

Yes, I... I, uh...

I'm Mitzi.

Uh, Mitzi Henderson.

Miss. Miss? Hmm?

I'm over here.

Right. So you
are. There you are.

Well, anyway, uh, I was thinking

of opening up a
restaurant in the L.A. area,

and so, uh, I thought I'd
just come on down here

and, uh, well, you know, uh, uh,

get some tips from
the best in the business.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm
very busy at the moment.


Okay, okay, okay.

I could spare one moment.

What can I do for you?


um... what...

well, uh... now that
you've asked me...


well... ahem.

Do you know what
I'd like for you to do?


I don't do that anymore.

I would like you to look...

No, no!

At the map and pick a location.

Look at the map? Right.


At the map. Yeah. Well, uh...

have you ever thought of a spot

right here in Beverly Hills?


Well, why not?

Why not? Why not? Uh...

that, ahem, that's bec...

Because I prefer the coast.

The... The coast? Why?

Because the coast is clear!

Why is everybody shouting at me?

Uh, I'm sorry.

I... I... I kind of
lost my head there.

It won't happen again.

Terri. Yeah.

I got it. Where is it?

It's gone.

What did you...

On the other hand...
Now, there is a...

Miss, Miss, there's a
very nice spot over here.

Forget it. Forget it?

I don't really
want a restaurant.

You don't really
want a restaurant.

No, no, I think I'll just, uh,

open up a dress shop instead.

A dress shop.
Marvelous. Wonderful idea.

May I show you the door?

Allow me, please.
This way, quickly.

Right this way.

Hold it!

Jack Tripper, what
are you doing here?

Well, I was just crawling
through the neighborhood,

and I thought maybe, uh...

I, uh, believe this is mine.

Yes, sir, but, uh,
but I wrote that letter,

and I just want you to know...

That we've taken enough
of your time for today,

so, uh, well, bye.
Come on, Jack.

No. No, Mitzi, no.

I-I'm here to tell you
the whole truth, right?

I didn't mean a word
that's in the letter.


"Dear Mr. Townsend,

"I really enjoyed serving
you the other night.

"I am a great fan of yours,

"and humbly
respect your opinion.

"I hope you will come
back to Jack's Bistro again

"when you have more time
to savor a really good meal.

Respectfully, Jack Tripper."

So... I left out sleaze bucket.

And, uh, you don't
mean a word of this?

Well... ha ha ha!
Knowing Jack as I do,

I'm sure that he meant, uh,

that... Well, he
felt guilty about it

because he wouldn't
want you to think

that he was trying to
influence your review.

Oh, that is so
commendable of you.

Oh, you see?

Now, that shows you
are a man of character.

Well, that's what I thought.

Yeah, it's...

Come on, Jack. Let's go.

I'll walk you out.

I have to cash this
check across the street.

I got it!

She took my check!

Do you...

Do you know that girl?

Uh, I-I've never seen that
woman before in my life.

Me neither.

And as soon as we get home,

we'll send her right
back with your check.

Come along, Mildred.

I'll get it. Okay.

Don't answer that,
Janet. Come on.

Oh, Jack.

Come on. That's no
way to treat a friend.

It's just that...
Ah, okay, okay.

But I got to find some
way to get rid of him.

Hi, Jack. Am I late?

No, Sam, as usual,
you're right on time.


Sam, listen...

I know what you're gonna ask,

and I got 'em right here.

Oh, you're gonna love my family.

Move over, will you?

Now, this is the Grand Canyon,

oh, and this is my youngest

going to tinkle at
the side of the road.

And there's the station
wagon in the driveway,

and there's the sedan

before it got hit by
the garbage truck.

And this is the
Odasta cemetery plot...

Closed-Captioned by J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

Three's Company was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.